Ruben's Writings

I’m always hesitant to say I like anime, because everyone instantly labels me as a weeb. Fuck that noise. In our current culture of extremes, it’s important to remember that you can take an interest in something without being 100% devoted to it, that you can like it without liking all of it. I can like Mexican food without eating Taco Bell five times a week, having a Lebron James-like love of Taco Tuesday, and thinking anyone who likes another kind of food is an inferior person. 

No 90’s kid can say they haven’t watched anime, because Pokemon took over the world that decade. Anyone who tuned into Toonami on Cartoon Network got introduced to the GOAT anime, Dragon Ball Z, as well as some low-key bangers like Zoids and Ronin Warriors. I’ve never really taken an interest in other megapopular anime shows like Naruto or One Piece, so that alone should disqualify me from weeb contention. I also don’t really like “slice of life” anime shows (I can’t even name an example off the top of my head), mainly sticking to some kind of superhero or science fiction/fantasy shit that appeals to my inner 9-year-old. More recently, I’ve become a big fan of the drama-packed Attack on Titan and the hilarious One Punch Man. I also got on the Dragon Ball Super train late, which ended up being alright because the Tournament of Power arc was the only good part of the whole series.

But there’s one anime above all else I’ve been following over the past few years. It’s got some fantastic writing behind it, is set in a huge and interesting universe, and is packed with colorful characters, with even some one-off cast members remaining fan favorites. It packs (spoiler alert) drama, humor, and action into its compelling story, with plenty of twists, turns and truly iconic moments. It’s garnered a huge following, and while some fans have been upset with the lengthy delay for the fourth season, it’s better for it to be up to its usual standards of excellence than for it to be rushed through production. But at long last, the wait is over.

Rick and Morty is back!

Haha — classic misdirection! 

Man, I love Rick and Morty. I’d put Season 1 in the all-time pantheon of comedy TV show seasons, up there with the best from Seinfeld, The Office, South Park, Always Sunny, etc. Season 2 started off strong but tapered off around the midway point. Season 3, with the best idea for a premiere I’ve ever seen, got back to it’s strong form, even though I though the finale was a bit disappointing. Season 4, which will be airing in two, five-episode halves, debuted over the weekend. If the first episode is anything to go on, this hilarious dark, science fiction comedy

will be producing some awesome moments, even if the titular characters do “ah-nee-may” shit.

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub, my glip glops!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (7-3) DEF. GOOD HOME COOKIN (8-2)

109.56 – 101.58

No Deshaun Watson. No Julian Edelman. No George Kittle. No T.Y. Hilton. How. The. Fuck. Did. I. WIN?!?!? It certainly had nothing to do with Brian Hoyer and his pathetic performance against the Dolphins (more on that later). No, it was Orchids of Asia’s workhorse — Christian McCaffrey (20 points) — along with two scoops of Old Bay. The Ravens defense dominated the Bengals en route to 24 points, while Mark Andrews shredded Cincinnati for 17 points. Meantime, although Kyle had gotten off to a strong start thanks to Melvin Gordon (19 points), his Sunday morning and afternoon guys laid dozens of eggs. No one did much of anything, with Cooper Kupp putting up a surprising zero. Then Good Home COOKin’s namesake — Dalvin Cook (24 points) — and Dak Prescott (26 points) went off and I thought I was doomed. But unlike last year (when it mattered), I hung on. Granted, while Kyle had more of his usual roster than me, neither of us were at full strength. I may not be taking too much stock in the victory, but goddamn it I’m savoring it.

49ERS (8-2) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-6)

94.12 – 71.20

Riez, you goddamn idiot! You could’ve saved your season by pulling off a spectacular upset of the second place team! Gee had another subpar day, with Jameis Wintson (20 points) being his only truly productive scorer. While none of the 49ers’ guys did particularly terrible — no one had fewer than five points — everyone else was kind of meh. Footballdamus didn’t exactly light the field on fire, either. Jarvis Landry (15 points) did unexpectedly well and Matt Gay (14 points) helped Riez reap some of Crab Legs’ scoring benefits. But the rest of the lineup also played mediocre, highlighted by Matt Brieda’s woeful performance Monday Night. But even with Brieda’s awful day, Riez still should’ve won. Those with a keen eye might’ve noticed a giant, Jacoby Brissett-sized hole in Riez’s lineup. How, after the injury and repeated reports he wasn’t gonna play, did you not take him out of the starting spot? To make things worse, his backup, Josh Allen, put up 25 points. Riez lost by 23. You know what? You don’t deserve to make the playoffs. 

DARTH RAIDER (5-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-7)

107.78 – 62.58

Arik must’ve had a fantastic weekend. After seeing his Oakland Raiders take down a division rival (more on that later), he got to watch the Kansas City Chiefs go down while reaping the benefits of Tyreek Hill (22 points). That ended up being more than double the margin of victory for Darth Raider over the Krispy Kritters. While there were a few duds in the lineup (looking at you, Saquon Barkley), Arik got a number of solid efforts from guys like Chris Carson (16 points), Travis Kelce (13 points), and Matt Ryan (15 points). After losing five in a row, Arik has now taken three straight and brought himself back to .500. Let’s see if he can become the (gasp) fourth team with a winning record in the league. As for Richard, things have gone from bad to worse. Russell Wilson (17 points) and Kenny Golladay (11 points) were the only roster spots to finish in double digits. In fact, Richard had just as many guys with more than nine points as guys with less than one point (including his beloved Cowboys defense). Richard’s season appears to be on the brink.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-5) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-6)

105.62 – 79.42

Speaking of righting the ship, Jimmy appears to have gotten his shit together — again. It’s no surprise, considering Aaron Rodgers (27 points) and Aaron Jones (10 points) were their typical selves. Wait… you’re telling me I got my Aarons mixed up? Jones went off for 27 points while Rogers barely got double digits? What the fuck? Well… at least Josh Jacobs (16 points) doing work isn’t surprising at all. The Wild Hogs weren’t spectacular, but they were solid enough to get the back to .500. It came at the expense of Dixie Normous, who reverted back to their “inept at scoring” form. Golden Tate (19 points) was by far the most productive roster spot for Nick, with particular failure being put up by Jimmy G, Chris Herndon, and the Giants defense. One of those things is not like the others — Herndon got hurt. Nick’s playoff odds also took a bit of a beating. As the lowest scoring team in the league, Nick won’t have any tiebreakers go in his favor. For Nick, every win matters from here on out in a bid for an unlikely postseason berth.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-5) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-6)

115.36 – 94.02

I don’t know what is says about our league that a guy who literally has been unable to make a single roster change is at .500 and in sixth place ten weeks into the season, but it can’t be good. Chriss continues to let it ride (if only his luck was this good in Vegas), putting up the second-highest point total of the week despite having THREE goose eggs in his lineup. What even the fuck? C’s Champion Team was powered by the pick no one things is terrible anymore — Kyler Murray (27 points) — and the annual amazing day from Derrick Henry (31 points). The Rams defense (19 points) and Harrison Blocked-er — sorry, Butker (16 points) also did their part in blocking any chance Ewing had of winning. It continues to astound me how Three Eyed Ravens continues to waste spectacular efforts from Lamar Jackson (33 points). If they were like their namesake and could see the future, Ewing wouldn’t have drafted such a shitty supporting cast. Maybe he can see what I’m doing to learn how to win with Ravens on the roster. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-7) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-6)

140.84 – 101.18

So how does Taylor follow up a loss to a team that had five guys either injured or on a bye? By losing to the last place team, of course! To be fair, Jop Suey!!! didn’t exactly have a bad day, even with a poor effort from Drew Brees. Michael Thomas (15 points) outscored his own QB, while Joe Mixon (15 points), Ronald Jones (14 points), and Jordan Hicks (13 poinrs) had nice days of their own. But while his roster had a good enough day to win usually, in usual Taylor luck, his opponent happened to have an unusual day. Dad, of all people, dropped a season-high 140 points, a total not even approached since Week 1 (when everyone thought Sleeping Giants were good). Pat Mahomes (29 points), Darius Leonard (24 points), and Amari Cooper (20 points) would typically be the headliners, it was the waiver wire pickup of the year — Christian Kirk (31 points) — who stole the show. While Dad probably would’ve liked some of those points in weeks past, this win keeps his season alive — for now. Also, thanks for not choosing last week to go beast mode.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (8-2)*
2. 49ers (8-2)*
3. Orchids of Asia (7-3)
4. Darth Raider (5-5)
5. Gruden Grinders (5-5)
6. C’s Champion Team (5-5)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (4-6)
8. Jop Suey!!! (4-6)
9. Footballdamus (4-6)
10. Dixie Normous (4-6)
11. The Krispy Kritters (3-7)
12. Sleeping Giants (3-7)

* clinched playoff spot

Despite the loss, Kyle (along with Gee) clinched a spot in the postseason. I will join them with either a win this week or a loss by two of the 4-6 teams. Neither Dad nor Richard can be eliminated this week, but both can be put on the brink for next week.

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (1186.36)
2. 49ers (1153.52)
3. Orchids of Asia (1141.32)
4. Darth Raider (1092.02)
5. Gruden Grinders (1016.78)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (1014.28)
7. The Krispy Kritters (987.28)
8. Jop Suey!!! (985.96)
9. C’s Champion Team (961.82)
10. Sleeping Giants (958.74)
11. Footballdamus (880.50)
12. Dixie Normous (862.98)

UPSET CITIES, BABY!

What a goddamn good week of football! Seriously, damn near every game came down to the final minutes, making me really happy I streamed RedZone on Sunday. Scott Hanson was hype! Even the blowouts were entertaining, with the Ravens-Bengals game keeping the interest up with Baltimore’s defensive TDs and Lamar Jackson doing video game bullshit. 

(Side note: the MVP race is made up of three black QBs and a white RB. What a world…) 

One of those beatdowns was possibly the most unexpected outcome of any game so far this season. Anything can happen in rivalry games, but no one saw the 1-7 Atlanta Falcons curbstomp the 7-1 New Orleans Saints 26-9… in the Superdome… while holding the Saints without a TD… and sacking Drew Brees six times. What. The. Hell.

This was the Falcons everyone expected before the season. Because it’s the Falcons, they took until the playoffs were already out of reach to get their shit together. It may be too late to make a run this year, but if Atlanta can play at this level while not winning too much, they’ll have legit hope for next year while maybe adding a defensive prospect like the suspended Chase Young.

As for the Saints, still being 7-2 takes some of the sting out of this loss. While New Orleans will probably eviscerate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in a blind rage this weekend, there are some big games ahead — the Carolina Panthers, San Francisco 49ers, and a Falcons rematch are all on the schedule over the next month.

I think this is the price the state of Louisiana had to pay for LSU finally beating Alabama.

This game wasn’t the only upset of the week. The Kansas City Chiefs wasted another terrific performance from Pat Mahomes and the other speed demons in their offense, as the defense and special teams first blew the lead, then any chance of a comeback. The Ryan Tannehill-led Tennessee Titans were more than happy to reap the benefits.

I won’t spend too much time on this game because 1. the Chiefs lost on the road, 2. Kansas City only cares about the playoffs at this point, and 3. the Titans are fucking confusing so why even bother? But this game was insane and hilarious and the Chiefs lost, so it made me happy!

Both the Saints and Chiefs have been oddly tied together over the past year. They each were the No. 1 seeds last season, losing in their respective championship games to the No. 2 seeds thanks to debated calls in the 4th quarter. Both were seen as favorites to set up the Super Bowl matchup we nearly had last season. Each lost their star QB to injury early this season, welcoming them back only recently. Now, they’re on the wrong side of two of the biggest upsets this year.

But at least they’re not the Indianapolis Colts.

I… what… how the fuck? I don’t give a shit who’s at QB. Brian Hoyer has done a serviceable job for years and threw three goddamn TDs on the road against the same Pittsburgh Steelers defense that just put the clamps on the LA Rams. You’re telling me he then throws three INTs and is unable to find the endzone at home against the openly tanking Miami Dolphins? For fuck’s sake… this is embarrassing.

When picking my one-time Deshaun Watson replacement, I had a… let’s say “limited” amount of options available, highlighted by Baker Mayfield, Sam Darnold, and Daniel Jones. Given that Mayfield was facing arguably the best defense in the NFL and both Darnold and Jones play for dumpster fires, I decided to play the matchup and pick up Hoyer. While the Destroyer did nothing but destroy Colts’ fans hopes and dreams, Mayfield did well enough in a win over the Buffalo Bills and both Darnold and Jones went off in the beautiful shitfest that was their matchup. Why do I even try to predict this shit?

Both teams might end up losing in the long run. Miami’s carefully crafted tank has gone haywire, as they’re now battling the Jets, Giants, Falcons, and Washington Redskins for the No. 2 pick (Cincinnati has No. 1 in the bag). Although given the other teams’ QB situations, the Dolphins will probably and up with Tua Tagovailoa anyway (the Bengals are bungling for Joe Burrow). As for Indianapolis, this is an especially unneeded loss in terms of the AFC South and playoff races. While the Colts still have winnable games left, one fewer win could loom large come December.

Also, the Colts made the Oakland Raiders’ best win of the season look worse, so fuck them.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Ah… now that felt good.

While I didn’t expect to be writing a positive recap of the Raiders-Chargers game, I never fathomed I’d be singing the praises of the Oakland defense in the process. But let’s give credit where credit is due — the secondary was amazing. While the defense did allow some quick scores to LA, Erik Harris made Philip Rivers, a father to like 37 children, his son with a couple of INTs (including a pick six). Maxx Crosby continued his stellar play and Clelin Ferrell actually did something. I’d be more hype about Karl Joseph’s game-sealing INT had it not put him on IR. Add in another great effort from future OROY Josh Jacobs and a nice day from Derek Carr, and this was one of the most solid games from the Raiders all season against a division rival also battling for a playoff spot.

This result was especially important considering what else happened on Sunday and what lies ahead. The Indianapolis Colts’ divisional and wild card chances took a hit with their loss to the Miami Dolphins. If the Raiders are neck-and-neck with an AFC South team in the playoff hunt, I’d rather it be the one Oakland has a win against. The Pittsburgh Steelers also continued to win, so keeping up with them is crucial, especially given their tougher schedule. What’s more, Oakland is only a half game back of the Kansas City Chiefs (thank you, Tennessee Titans). With the Raiders’ next two games against two of the worst teams in football (the Cincinnati Bengals and New York Jets), Oakland could be 7-4 going into a Week 13 showdown in Kansas City tied (or possibly ahead of) the Chiefs for first place in the AFC West. Or, because it’s the Raiders, they could play down to their competition and be 5-6. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

Take care of business, boys!

AN ODE TO GARDNER MINSHEW

When the Jacksonville Jaguars take the field on Sunday, they will be led by Nick Foles, who’s making his return from a Week 1 collarbone injury. Big Dick Nick, the Super Bowl LII MVP-winning, 7-TD single game-passing, third led-wielding QB the Jaguars dropped all of the money on in the offseason, used to be among the top tiers of NFL signal calling memes. But Foles is returning to a different world, one where things have been elevated to a whole new level. It’s all because of Foles’ replacement, who’s become the Brawl Meta Knight of QB memes. 

Nothing about Gardnew Flint Minshew II makes sense, least of all the fact that he, like myself, is a member of the “Full Names With Numbers” club. There is no Gardner Flint Minshew I, although I guess it’s better than Beowulf, which is what Minshew’s grandfather wanted him to be named. While in high school, Minshew would eat jars of peanut butter in the stands of baseball games. He bounced around in college, going from being unhappy at Troy to a NJCAA champion at Northwest Mississippi Community College to splitting time at East Carolina. With a year of eligibility left going into 2018, he had an offer to transfer to Alabama. But instead, he chose Washington State, after head coach Mike Leach asked him, “Do you want to be a backup at Alabama or lead the nation in passing?”

Considering what followed, Minshew’s time in Pullman began in tragic circumstances. Tyler Hilinski, who was expected to be the Cougars’ starting QB, committed suicide. Forced to step under center of a team under a dark cloud, Minshew did what he could to bring the light back. He finished fifth in Heisman voting while leading the nation in yards per game, pass attempts, and completions and leading Washington State to a record-breaking 11-win season. In the last victory — a triumph over Iowa State in the Alamo Bowl — Minshew broke the Pac-12 single-season passing mark. He did all of this while becoming a cult hero with his mustache (which he kept growing after being the last man standing in a training camp facial hair contest), dressing up like every 70’s porn star stereotype (which would continue in the NFL), working out in the locker room while wearing nothing but a jockstrap (even when Steve Spurrier is present), and being the face (no pun intended) of a campus-wide mustache giveaway. Looking back, it’s no surprise this all happened. Minshew was under the tutelage of the greatest meme head coach in CFB history.

Minshew, like another AFC QB 19 years earlier, was taken in the 6th round of the NFL draft. Expected to serve as the backup behind the incoming Foles, Minshew was thrust into action after the aforementioned injury in the season opener. Although the Jaguars lost, Minshew kept them in the game by going 22/25 for 275 yards, two TDs, and an INT. The 88% completion percentage was the highest of any player making his debut in NFL history (minimum 15 attempts). With Foles out for a while, Minshew stepped up, starting the next eight games and playing well in nearly each of them. Minshew’s accuracy, mobility, and leadership have been particularly impressive, with him getting several rookie awards and being considered the favorite to finish second to Josh Jacobs in the OROY vote.

As he was put under the bright lights, Minshew kept being himself, which catapulted him from being an above average rookie QB to pop culture legend in a matter of weeks. Minshew Mania was born. This was especially true in Jacksonville, which for the first time had a truly good QB double as media darling. The Jaguars embraced Minshew Mania, creating a mustache/jorts-themed promotion. Between the Minshew’s solid on-field play, the cult following he had garnered, and the uncertainty surrounding Foles, Jacksonville had the makings of a QB controversy not seen since the days of Byron Leftwich and David Garrard.

For better or worse, the Jaguars’ most recent game ended the debate. In front of a Wembley Stadium crowd, Minshew had the worst game of his young career, becoming a turnover machine late in Jacksonville’s loss to the Houston Texans. Shortly after returning to the U.S., the Jaguars announced Foles would start in Week 11. With Minshew relegated to the bench, his future is uncertain. While his most recent performance was certainly not good, it was also typical of the growing pains of rookie QBs. Plus, the Texans are a playoff contender, so there’s no shame in losing to them. Foles has been great in years past and deserves to go back under center, but this is the first time he’s been given the reigns to a team in a long damn time. As good as Foles can be, putting Napoleon Dynamite in for Uncle Rico may end up costing the Jaguars. Jacksonville could also keep Minshew as a proven backup (like the Philadelphia Eagles did with Foles) or trade him altogether. It’s all so uncertain.

What’s crystal clear is that Minshew Mania, gone forever or temporarily halted, has been an amazing ride. I highly doubt this is the last we’ve seen of Minshew, whether it be in a Jaguars uniform or not. But as he takes a seat for the foreseeable future, let us thank him for all of the entertainment, memes, and good feelings he has created by simply being Gardner Minshew.

STAT OF THE WEEK

The Miami Dolphins are on a winning streak (nevermind that those wins have come over Sam Darnold and Brian Hoyer) and sit just three games out of a playoff spot. The Ryan Fitzpatrick Super Bowl hype train is at full steam.

You know who’s no longer on a winning streak? The San Francisco 49ers.

With San Francisco’s batshit crazy loss to the Seattle Seahawks, the NFL’s lone unbeaten team has fallen, meaning the champagne is popping across Miami. A nice “thank you” package from South Florida should be arriving in the Pacific Northwest any day now…

Anyway, I’ve probably talked about the Dolphins enough this week.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 14, 1993, the coach of the only undefeated team in the Super Bowl era cemented his place as the greatest winner in NFL history. Don Shula, who at one point in college considered joining the Catholic priesthood, actually started his coaching career with the Baltimore Colts in 1963. At 33 years old, he was the youngest coach in league history at the time. Shula did well enough in the regular season, though his teams often choked in the playoffs — including losing Super Bowl III to the New York Jets. But in 1970, Shula jumped ship and joined the Miami Dolphins, who had to give up a 1st round pick to the Colts due to tampering charges. Including the one used to select Dan Marino, this was the best spent draft pick in Dolphins history. Shula would roam the Miami sidelines for the next 26 seasons, two of which (1972 and 1973) resulting in the only two Super Bowl championships in franchise history. That 1972 team also did something special, but I’m at a loss as to what it was. Flash forward 21 years later — Shula, who had battled the likes of Vince Lombardi, John Madden, Bud Grant, Joe Gibbs, and Bill Cowher in his career, was staring down another legend: George Halas. Papa Bear roamed the Chicago Bears sidelines for 40 years, his 324 career wins standing as a record for NFL head coaches since his retirement in 1967. But Halas’ hallowed mark was finally surpassed by Shula, who had plenty of work to do to get the W. With the Dolphins trailing 14-13 to the Philadelphia Eagles and Marino already injured, fill-in starter Scott Mitchell separated his left shoulder less than 90 seconds into the second half. Shula was forced to put in future Eagles head coach Doug Pederson, who had never thrown an NFL pass, and change up pretty much all of Miami’s playbook. While Pederson didn’t get the Dolphins into the endzone, he converted several crucial 3rd downs and got the team in position for two FGs. Miami’s defense held strong, recovering a Ken O’Brien fumble late in the game to secure the 325th victory in Shula’s career. After the final whistle, Dolphins players lofted Shula above their shoulders, parading their legendary head coach around the stadium. Shula would add 22 more victories before retiring with the all-time record of 347 wins in 1995. However, like the case has been for pretty much the past 20 years, the New England Patriots might take something nice from the Dolphins. Bill Belichick, whose Cleveland Browns faced Shula’s Dolphins a month before win 325 (he was win 322), sits third on the list at exactly 300 victories and is the biggest threat to Shula’s record. Andy Reid, sixth on the list with 213 wins, is also a dark horse candidate. Another potential record-breaker: Mike Tomlin. Though back at 25th with 138 wins, Tomlin is only 47 (20 years younger than Belichick) and the Pittsburgh Steelers don’t exactly have a short leash with coaches (just three in the past 50 years). For now, Shula, like he was 26 years ago, is above everyone else.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2008 — The first G20 economic summit opens in Washington, D.C. 
• 2001 — A magnitude 7.8 earthquake strikes China, resulting in the longest known surface rupture recorded on land (about 280 miles).
• 1995 — A five-day federal government shutdown begins due to a budget standoff.
• 1970 — Southern Airways Flight 932 crashes in the mountains near Huntington, WV, killing 75 people, including almost all of the Marshall football team..
• 1969 — NASA launches Apollo 12, the second crewed mission to the surface of the Moon.
• 1967 — Theodore Maiman is given a patent for his ruby laser systems, the world’s first laser.
• 1965 — The Battle of Ia Drang — the first major engagement between regular American and North Vietnamese forces — begins.
• 1960 — Ruby Bridges becomes the first black child to attend an all-white elementary school in Louisiana.
• 1953 — The first regular U.K. Singles Chart is published by the New Musical Express.
• 1922 — The British Broadcasting Company begins radio service in the U.K.
• 1889 — Journalist Nellie Bly begins a successful attempt to travel around the world in less than 80 days.
• 1886 — Friedrich Soennecken first develops the hole puncher.
• 1851 — The novel Moby-Dick is published in the U.S.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1991 — Taylor Hall, New Jersey Devils forward and Hart Trophy winner.
• 1966 — Curt Schilling, 2004 World Series champion with the Boston Red Sox and soaker of socks.
• 1964 — Patrick Warburton, actor best known as Joe Swanson on Family Guy, David Puddy on Seinfeld, and Kronk in The Emperor’s New Groove.
• 1959 — Paul McGann, actor best known as the Eighth Doctor on Doctor Who.
• 1955 — Jack Sikma, NBA champion and HOF center.
• 1954 — Condoleezza Rice, the first female African-American U.S. Secretary of State.
• 1948 — Charles, Prince of Wales.
• 1908 — Joseph McCarthy, U.S. Senator whose paranoia of Communists led to the term “McCarthyism.” 
• 1840 — Claude Monet, painter and one of the most acclaimed artist of all time.

DEATHS:

• 2014 — Glen Larson, director/writer and creator of Battlestar Galactica.
• 1915 — Booker T. Washington, educator, essayist, historian, and advisor to presidents of the U.S.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Pickle Day! Pickles date back some 3,000 years, with famous figures such as Cleopatra and Julius Caesar touting their benefits. Some 5.2M pounds of pickles are consumed each year in the U.S. I’d like to think I’m responsible for about a million of that.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

‘CONQUER ALL ODDS’: PARADISE HIGH FOOTBALL TEAM SECURES PLAYOFF BERTH

PARADISE, Calif. — And they’re in.

The Bobcats from Paradise High School will get their chance to pursue a state football championship after all.

Before a packed Northern Section meeting room Saturday morning, the Bobcats (10-0) were seeded fourth in the Division 3 bracket, the second-highest division of the state’s third-smallest section. They’ll host a first-round game Friday against Live Oak-Morgan Hill (8-2).

Paradise, whose 2018 season was cut short due to the Camp Fire, was thought to be in danger of not making this year’s playoffs based on a complicated points system. The team opted out of its league before the season because it didn’t know how many players it would have after the state’s most destructive and deadliest blaze wiped out the town on Nov. 8, 2018.

With an independent schedule and receiving no league points, Paradise sat in ninth place points-wise heading into the week, on the outside of an eight-team playoff bracket.

However, Sutter’s 33-6 win over Orland on Friday night helped the Bobcats secure the eighth spot — they were reseeded to fourth — after they outscored their opponents 469-73.

READ MORE

This story is awesome, something out of a movie. A promising football season is cut short due to the deadliest and most destructive wildfire in state history. A small town literally turned to ash, struggling to rebuild more than a year later. The football team proves to a symbol of the community rising from the ashes, going undefeated and making the playoffs thanks to a loss by another team on the final day of the regular season. 

Imagine playing for Live Oak. You’re just doing your job, but literally everybody is rooting against you just because of what your opponent’s gone through. If you lose like everyone wants, your hard work is for nothing. If you win, you’re a bunch of assholes. You’d ruin an amazing story, one that even the good ol’ folks with FOX40’s Final Quarter are going to cover for the final full show of the year.

Wait… final full show of the year?

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 9 SAC-JOAQUIN HIGH SCHOOL NAMES/MASCOTS

Tomorrow night is the second round of the CIF Sac-Joaquin Section high school football playoffs, and the final Final Quarter show on FOX40. I know the playoffs keep going, but there are too few teams left and the games are too far apart geographically to cover each one. We’ll still cover the games in Jim Crandell’s sports hit, but I will no longer have to work six days a week after tomorrow (at least until Final Quarter starts again next year). Thank fucking god.

Having to cover these schools week in and week out, a few of them start to become familiar. There’s the Folsoms and Del Oros and Elk Groves we’re familiar with up here, as well as the “only really good team in the area” schools like Oakdale, St. Mary’s, and Central Catholic. While I’m used to the names, some of these are pretty unique. The mascots, however, are not. 

As someone whose high school and college mascots are the Cougars and Tigers, respectively, I’m familiar with non-creative mascots. Many schools will use your generic mascots you’ll see in movies or TV shows. Other schools straight up rip off college or pro mascots, which to be fair aren’t exactly special themselves. This is especially true in the college ranks. While there are certainly some unique mascots (i.e. Golden Gophers, Buckeyes, Crimson Tide, Longhorns, and Commodores), others go the easy way out. In the five major college conferences, there are four schools each with Wildcats (Kentucky, Arizona, Northwestern, Kansas State) and Tigers (LSU, Auburn, Missouri, Clemson) as their mascot. 

But high school is the worst by far. Using the four P5 Wildcats/Tigers as our floor, these are all of the schools in the Sac-Joaquin Section that have certain mascots:

8 – Falcons, Cougars

7 – Bulldogs, Wolves*

6 – Mustangs, Wildcats

5 – Knights, Tigers, Vikings, Eagles, Lions

4 – Bruins, Rams, Raiders

* Includes all variations of Wolves, such as Timberwolves and Wolfpack. It does not include Wolverines, which as it turns out is not the long-form version of “wolves.” As I learned while putting this newsletter together, wolves and wolverines are two different animals. 

Of the nearly 150 schools that compete in football in the Sac-Joaquin Section, more than half have one of these 14 mascots, and about a quarter are covered by just six of them. So let’s celebrate the schools which have a bit of character and give us something we don’t see outside of their halls. This means not only can they not have the same mascot as another school, but also any major D1 school or pro sports team. There is one notable exception to that rule, but we’ll get to that later. For now, let’s mention those who just missed the cut. 

HONORABLE MENTION: NOT UNIQUE ENOUGH

There are a few schools with names that, while copied from the upper levels, are far from your typical Wildcats/Tigers. The El Capitan Gauchos, Modesto Christian Crusaders, Lodi Flames, Mira Loma Matadors, Gustine Reds, and Davis Blue Devils fit that mold. As the bold title suggests, these schools have unique mascots, but quite simply not unique enough.

HONORABLE MENTION: ERROR 404 MASCOT NOT FOUND

There is a high school in the section with no mascot at all. Calaveras had been known as the Redskins for seven decades, but that changed with the passing of AB30 (which prohibits CA schools from using that name) in 2015. Rather than pick something else, school/district officials simply decided to go with the school name itself, and no mascot to accompany it. 

HONORABLE MENTION: HARDCORE TROUBADOURS

We’re limiting this to football schools, but the St. Francis Troubadours would’ve absolutely made this list had they taken the field. I mean, that would’ve been tough to do considering St. Francis is an all-girls school. Is it bad that I had no idea what the St. Francis mascot was until this past weekend when I looked it up? Which is worse, this or the wolverine thing?

9. HIGHLANDS SCOTS

There are schools which reference the old country by going the Connor MacLeod route and calling themselves the Highlanders. Then, there’s Highlands High School, which cuts out the middle man and straight up calls themselves the Scots. Despite being an okay school overall with a football team that consistently competes for the playoffs, there was little about Highlands (apart from their name) I could find online. The only thing I saw was that Sasha Grey is a former Scot. If you don’t know who that is, don’t look her up at work. Seriously, you’ll get fired.

8. FORESTHILL WILDFIRES

Yeah… I can’t imagine Foresthill High School is the most popular opponent in certain parts of California. When I tried looking up more info on these guys, I kept finding stuff about literal wildfires burning near the Foresthill area. I mean think about it, why would a school in a place with the word “forest” in its name think calling themselves the Wildfires is a good idea? That’s like naming a team the Washington Shutdowns, the Buffalo Frontiersmen, or the Notre Dame Potato Famine. Maybe that’s why the Wildfires’ record has turned to ash in recent years.

7. ELK GROVE THUNDERING HERD

Arguably the most storied school in our area south of Downtown Sacramento, Elk Grove High School boasts former students like mega agent Scott Boras, former Chicago Bears LB Lance Briggs, and artist Tyler, The Creator. Elk Grove also has a badass mascot. There aren’t many ways to make Bambi’s species sound intimidating, but Thundering Herd definitely gets the job done. Fun fact: I once had to wear Elk Grove’s mascot outfit for an hour. It sucked — the eye holes were way too low and the head was made of rough plaster and it hurt my nose.

6. PLACER HILLMEN

One of the oldest and most successful small schools in our area, Placer High School also has the perfect storm of a mascot. Look at that Davy Crockett-looking son of a gun hoisting the flag about the mountains! If that doesn’t scream “rural Northern California,” I don’t know what does. Placer has some interesting alumni — former Hillmen include Brad Johnson (Deputy Lofty Craig from Annie Oakley) and former U.S. Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell, who was also captain of the 1964 Olympic judo team. By the way, the female version of Hillmen is “Hillgals.”

5. JESUIT MARAUDERS

Lol jk fuck the jesbians.

5. BRET HARTE BULLFROGS

God I love teams with stupid ass names (even if they make sense). I mean look at that frog bursting through a wall. Students at Bret Harte High School actually paid an artist $1,200 to paint a mural of that on the gym wall. The Bret Harte Bullfrogs also get points for alliteration and not even trying to make the Bullfrog purple and yellow — they kept it green and just put freaking purple and yellow spandex on it. Former Bullfrogs include former UFC Bantamweight Champion T.J. Dillashaw, who’s best known for hating Urijah Faber and taking a lot of steroids.

4. STAGG DELTA KINGS

Stagg High School is named after one of the godfathers of CFB (who happens to be a Pacific great) and boasts alumni like perfect game thrower Dallas Braden. Stagg also has a cool name for our area, sharing it with the iconic boat parked in the Sacramento River that’s hosted literally every bar mitzvah I’ve ever attended. I also really like the logo on the left — it’s a cool way to incorporate everything involved with the Delta Kings name. The Delta Kings’ brown and yellow color scheme is aesthetically pleasing as well, like the San Diego Padres’ new uniforms.

3. YUBA CITY HONKERS

Speaking of brown and yellow, how about those Honkers? Yuba City High School, home of Washington head coach Chris Petersen and World Series champion catcher Max Stassi, wanted to be named after Canadian geese for some reason, yet didn’t want to be called the Geese. So, they went with what geese do best: honk. The Honkers must be trying to annoy everyone they play, which makes sense because it’s annoying to drive to out there. Yuba City doesn’t just have one of the weirdest mascots in the section, but in the entire country.

2. LINCOLN FIGHTING ZEBRAS

Lincoln High School: hold my (non-alcoholic) beer. What in God’s name possessed anyone to think Fighting Zebras is a great name for a high school, or anything that’s not a zoo animal fighting league? Whatever the reason, Lincoln has fully embraced the animal weirdness, as the campus operates one of the largest working school farms in all of California. The students also truly take the “fighting” part of the Fighting Zebras to heart — Lincoln’s most notable alumnus is UFC HOFer, notable butt chin, and notorious T.J. Dillashaw target of insults: Urijah Faber.

1. MILLENNIUM FALCONS

While I wish that was the Millennium High School logo, but it’s actually this. Whoever came up with the genius idea to have the mascot be the Falcons, I want to buy them a beer. I bet the Millennium players can run a 40-yard dash in less than 12 parsecs. While Falcons isn’t exactly an original mascot name, it becomes the greatest in the galaxy when combined with the school name. Yes, there is a football team called the Millennium Falcons. I’m planning on sending my kids there. Also yes, this entire list was a setup for Star Wars jokes. I regret nothing.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (8-2) VS. GOOD HOME COOKIN (8-2)

Strap yourselves in, boys and girls — we’re in for a good one! 49ers and Good Home COOKin are set to square off for the No. 1 seed in the playoffs. This matchup has the same kind of hype that surrounded last year’s epic Chiefs-Rams shootout. Wait… I beat both Kyle and Gee — does that make me the Patriots? Anyway, the stars of this titanic clash are not the QBs, although Jameis Winston (Gee) and Dak Prescott (Kyle) can certainly put up points. No, take a look at this murderer’s row of RBs going at it — Dalvin Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, Mark Ingram, Alvin Kamara, Melvin Gordon, Nick Chubb. Not only are these the top two teams in the league, but also the top two RB corps. Both Gee and Kyle are also getting some key pieces back. Kyle missed DeAndre Hopkins last week, while Gee is happy to see his Patriots defense return. Maybe the edge comes down to whichever Buccaneers WR, Chris Godwin (Gee) or Mike Evans (Kyle), does better? Regardless, this could be the game of the year, and perhaps even an Epic Bowl preview. 

GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-5) VS. DARTH RAIDER (5-5)

This one’s another potential playoff preview — but more likely a first round matchup rather than an Epic Bowl. If the postseason started today, Gruden Grinders and Darth Raider would in fact be facing off. These are also the only two Silver and Black-themed team names in the league, so it’s fitting Oakland players will play a big roll in who wins. Josh Jacobs, Darren Waller, and Daniel Carlson should all have huge games against the winless Bengals, which is good news for Jimmy. The bad news? The other team powering his success — the Green Bay Packers — are on a bye week, so no Aaron Rodgers or Aaron Jones. Kyle Allen, the Steelers defense, OBJ, and Tevin Coleman will need to step up. As for Arik, this Raiders fan will be relying on a pair of Kansas City Chiefs — Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce — as well as Charger Austin Ekeler for some big points. Traitor. If those guys can’t get it done, Arik’s fate will rely on Matt Ryan, Robert Woods, and Terry McLaurin to do well, especially with guys like Chris Carson and Ryan Tannehill on byes.

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-5) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-6)

I honestly can’t believe both of these teams are still in playoff contention. That being said, another loss by either C’s Champion Team or Dixie Normous could lead to them missing out on the postseason altogether. The key for any success in fantasy football is scoring a lot of points. But as the lowest scoring team in the league, Nick’s had a problem with that this season. Fortunately for him, Chriss’ unchangeable lineup has some Derrick Henry and Tyler Lockett-sized holes in it. Those two combined for 33 points last week (granted, Henry had 31 of those). While Kyler Murray’s unexpectedly stellar play has been key for Chriss, both he and David Johnson are facing a pissed off 49ers defense. Julio Jones and the Rams defense will have to step up. Nick also has to take advantage of Chriss’ misfortune with his own offense, including Stefon Diggs, LeVeon Bell, Devin Singletary, James Conner, and a pissed off Jimmy G. Nick’s Texans defense will also have to contend with Lamar Jackson, so… yikes. Good luck with that.

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-7) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-6)

Now, if only the guy who has Lamar Jackson can actually win. Three Eyed Ravens has wasted some spectacular efforts from the real life Ravens’ QB this season, but they may not get another this week. Ewing’s favorite QB is facing stiff competition in the Texans defense, meaning he will likely need the rest of his lineup to step up. Given the fact that those guys — including the likes of Juju Smith-Schuster, John Brown, Marlon Mack, Gus Edwards, Greg Olsen, and the Chiefs defense — combined for only 60 points last week, that doesn’t bode well for Ewing’s chances. But one thing he does have going for him is that Sleeping Giants has been the worst team in the league for weeks. But Ewing still can’t count his chickens — Dad just put up a season-high 140 points last week. With Pat Mahomes, Amari Cooper, Frank Gore, Damien Williams, and Darius Leonard, another big week could be in store. With Dad in last place and Ewing battling three other teams for two playoff spots, the loser could very well be doomed to elimination.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (7-3) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (4-6)

While Orchids of Asia managed to pull out the win without four of its best players last week, I’m very, very, very happy to have Deshaun Watson and Julian Edelman back. I’d be more excited, but George Kittle might miss another week, T.Y. Hilton is still out, and Watson’s return has forced me to sideline the Ravens defense. Fortunately, the 49ers defense is a nice fallback. Add on the human hurricane that is Christian McCaffrey, and I’m looking good. Jop Suey!!!, meanwhile, is in free fall. Taylor has lost five straight games and is only clinging onto the final playoff spot because other teams have somehow failed harder. Drew Brees and Michael Thomas laid a huge egg last week, although they should do much better against the Buccaneers. With guys like Tyler Boyd, Joe Mixon, and Tyler Eifert, Taylor is gambling on the winless Bengals beating his Raiders in Oakland. Yeah… good luck with that. Everything seems all set for a big win for me, so I’m fully expecting both my guys and the Raiders to lose, because I can’t have anything nice. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-7) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-6)

Yeah, I was not about to just do My Hero Academia dirty like that and not bring it up again. For those who don’t know (likely literally everyone but me), the show takes place in a world where most of the population has superpowers and the streets are straight out of comic books, with heroism being the world’s biggest profession. The main character, Izuku Midoriya, is a young boy born without powers who still aspires to be a hero. A chance encounter with All Might, the greatest hero of all time, changes his fate forever and sends him on a path to enrollment in the most prestigious hero training academy. Without spoiling too much, what has unfolded over the course of just over three seasons (plus even more in the manga) is an incredible, complex tale that’s become one of the most popular in recent anime history. From the overarching themes to the little moments, damn near everything is high quality. I highly recommend everyone give it a chance, if only just to make it so I actually have someone to talk about the show with. 

ONE LAST THING

Hello, and welcome to Andy Dalton rushing facts! We have three offerings for you today, and it’s up to you to decide which of these facts is more embarrassing.

Let’s get it started…

1. Andy Dalton currently has three times as many rushing TDs as Leonard Fournette.

This one isn’t so much as startling from Dalton’s perspective as Fournette’s. The Jaguars RB is having one of the most bizarre seasons in history. In terms of rushing in general, Fournette is doing quite well. With 831 yards, he sits nearly tied for fifth in the NFL and second in the AFC in yards per game. However, he only has one rushing TD to show for his efforts, one fewer than Tampa Bay Buccaneers RB Dare Ogunbowale, who by comparison has -2 yards rushing this season. This might be a Minshew Mania effect, as Jacksonville’s rookie QB has been praised for his ability to scramble. Fournette’s TD is the only one his team has gotten on the ground, while Minshew is second to Fournette on the Jaguars in rushing. That goal line offense has to suck.

2. Andy Dalton has every rushing TD for the Cincinnati Bengals so far this season.

If you can’t do math and couldn’t guess how many rushing TDs Dalton has this season using context clues above, the answer is three. That trio accounts for the only scores Cincinnati has gotten on the ground in 2019. Dalton’s production has only come on 55 yards of rushing, compared to, for example, Mishew’s 235 yards. Joe Mixon, the Bengals’ leading rusher, has had a pedestrian 434 yards this season, almost 400 fewer than Fournette. But Jacksonville’s RB, like Dalton, has more scores than all of Cincinnati’s RBs (Mixon and Giovanni Bernard) as well as Dalton’s replacement, Ryan Finley, combined. This lack of production can be explained by the fact that the Bengals are fucking awful, which I guess gives this next fact some context.

3. Andy Dalton was used to emulate Lamar Jackson with the scout team.

No seriously, this happened. Ignoring the obvious physical differences between the two, is Andy Dalton honestly the closest thing to Lamar Jackson on the Bengals’ roster? I get that it’s damn near impossible to replicate what Jackson is doing this season, but is an aging, slow QB who just got demoted the best Cincinnati could do? Considering Jackson is among the frontrunners in the MVP race, maybe the guy you think is the closest thing you have to him should, I don’t know, not sit on the bench? Shockingly, the Bengals’ game plan didn’t exactly work, with Jackson carpet bombing Cincinnati via the air and ground. There’s a reason the Bengals haven’t won a game this season. Joe Burrow, welcome to your future home! Life in the Jungle is not a pleasant one.

Anyway, let me know which of these three facts you think is the most embarrassing. Text in your results and I’ll post an answer (if I even get a response) in the next newsletter.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epicness

Best Fantasy Football Commissioner, Dimension C-137