Ruben's Writings

It’s an exciting time to be a football fan. The NFL playoff races are starting to take shape, the CFB season is coming to an thrilling conclusion (I say LSU, Ohio State, Clemson, and Oregon in that order will be in the CFP), and the high school playoff championship games are either happening or about to happen. But if you know my intros by now, you know this week’s theme has nothing to do with what I just mentioned. You’d be correct, because what I’m most excited for this weekend is (obviously) the Grey Cup. 

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Sunday will see the Hamilton Tiger-Cats battle the Winnipeg Blue Bombers for the ultimate football glory (in Canada) in the 107th Grey Cup. I’m legitimately hyped for this game for many reasons. The first, obviously, is the overall weirdness of the Canadian Football League’s rules, which in many ways are quite different than those of the NFL. Here are a few:

There can be 12 men on the field for each side.

Okay, that’s not too weird.

The field is 110 yards long and 65 yards wide.

Again, not terribly weird, although there being two 50-yard lines and a “C” line is a bit jarring.

The end zones are 20 yards deep and the goal posts are at the front.

Now we’re starting to drift into the bizarro world. Why in the hell do the end zones need to be that big, and why are the goal posts in a position to interfere with the plays? That scenario literally happened during the final play of the Western Division Final.

Any player in the offensive backfield can be moving before the snap.

Well that’s not fair to the defense. It’s like what the Arena Football League does, but worse. It seems the CFL really caters to the offense.

The offense has three downs to cross the line to gain.

Wait what? There’s no 4th down? The fuck? So you have a wider and longer field, yet one fewer chance to move the ball? And I thought the NFL was pass happy.

The last team to touch a fumbled ball that goes out of bounds gets possession.

Man, fumbles in the CFL must result in some insane scrambles.

A player cannot call for a fair catch.

This one makes a lot more sense when you realize no one on the kicking team except for the K and anyone behind him when he kicked it can be within five yards of the ball until the receiving team touches it. Alright, we’re finally calming down a bit.

Teams can score a single point at a time.

And we’re back to goddamn ridiculousness. Perhaps the biggest difference between the CFL and NFL is that our neighbors to the north have what’s called a “single” or “rouge” in which a team can get one point at a time. This is different from an extra point (called a “convert” in the CFL). You can check out the rules behind rouges, but to sum it up teams get a point if the ball is downed in the end zone or bounces out of the back or sides of the end zone on a punt or missed FG. I have no idea why this is a thing, but it results in some weird scores. It’s only happened once (Montreal Alouettes against the Ottawa Rough Riders in 1966), but a 1-0 final score is in fact possible. Imagine paying for tickets to that game.

Any player can kick the ball at any time.

Okay what the fuck? In a throwback to the game’s rugby roots (and, you know, actual rugby), players can punt the ball away anywhere on the field, versus behind the line of scrimmage in the NFL. The kicking team automatically surrenders possession, unless there’s a fumble.

The penalty flags are orange and challenge flags are yellow.

Why is this the weirdest one to me?

This all means a sentence like “On a do-or-die 3rd down, the Alouettes’ missed FG nearly went for a rouge, but the Eskimos’ 12-man defense managed punt the ball from behind the goal post all the way to the 53-yard line” actually makes sense. But even knowing all of their own weird rules, ridiculous bullshit can still happen. Amazing.

But apart from the novelty of the weirdness of the CFL, there are plenty of reasons why this particular Grey Cup is going to be amazing. The storylines are incredible. Of the nine teams in the CFL, seven of them have won a Grey Cup this decade. The other two? Hamilton and Winnipeg, who also haven’t gotten a single title this millennium. The Tiger-Cats last won it all in 1999, but came close to breaking the drought in 2014 when they rebounded from a 1-6 start to finish 9-9 and make a run to the title game. Trailing 20-16 with less than a minute remaining, Brandon Banks scored an apparent Grey Cup-winning punt return TD, only for it to be called back due to an illegal blocking penalty. Talk about blue balls. As for the Blue Bombers, they have the second-longest gap between championships in CFL history, having last won the title in 1990. They’ve played in five Grey Cups since then (the last one being in 2011) and lost them all. With the two longest title droughts by far in the CFL going head-to-head, one long-suffering fan base will finally get to taste glory again. It’s like the 2016 World Series, except less extreme.

Then, you’ve got the drama that’s unfolded for both teams, by themselves and between each other. Both the Blue Bombers and Tiger-Cats lost their starting QBs due to injury earlier in the year, yet their backups have thrived. Of particular note is Winnipeg’s Zach Collaros, who did not start the season with the team. Collaros was a member of the Saskatchewan Roughriders when he suffered a huge concussion in a controversial hit to the head in the season opener. Thought to be damaged goods, he was traded to the Toronto Argonauts, who flipped him to Winnipeg at the trade deadline. It took Collaros until the regular season finale to see the field again, but he’s played well in guiding the Blue Bombers to the Grey Cup. By the way, the person who laid the huge hit on Collaros that sent this all into motion? Hamilton LB Simoni Lawrence. This will be the first time the two have faced off since the injury. Although things appear to be good between Collaros and Lawrence, this makes this matchup even more enticing.

While I won’t have poutine (it’s not that good anyway), I might scarf down some waffles (with maple syrup) and Molson Canadian as I stream the first half of the game before needing to sleep. Fuck my overnight schedule. Although… well… I’ll save that for next week.

For now, are you ready for some (Canadian) football?!?

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (9-2) DEF. GOOD HOME COOKIN (8-3)

136.72 – 121.96

The battle for the No. 1 seed lived up to the hype, as the two highest scoring teams in the league put on a show that went on until the final whistle. In the end, its was 49ers who pulled out the comeback victory. Gee got off to a great start, thanks to Joe Schobert (25 points), who scored higher than Good Home COOKin’s Browns defense (16 points). Then the Sunday games began and things took off. Kyle thrust himself into the lead thanks to huge games from Dak Prescott (31 points) and Mark Ingram (20 points). While Gee also got nice efforts from Jameis Winston (18 points) and Ezekiel Elliott (17 points), the real key to keeping Kyle from pulling away was a solid effort from the whole roster. Only two guys in Gee’s lineup finished in the single digits, compared to six of Kyle’s. Down by just eight points going into Monday Night, Gee’s Chargers (Keenan Allen, Hunter Henry, Michael Badgley) did 23 points better than Kyle’s Charger (Melvin Gordon). If Gee can keep on scoring high, he’ll lock up the top seed even with a loss.

DARTH RAIDER (6-5) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-6)

88.24 – 87.02

Ladies and gentlemen, Darth Raider and Gruden Grinders present: A Tale of Two WRs (Per Team). In a battle for the No. 4 seed and a potential playoff preview, Arik and Jimmy had taken part in a low-scoring, but competitive battle. Led by Michael Gallup (14 points) and Courtland Sutton (13 points), Jimmy had managed just 87 points. That total would’ve been much higher had either D.J. Chark (22 points) or Calvin Ridley (20 points) not been left to rot on Jimmy’s bench. Arik was down big but had plenty of players ready to go Sunday Night onward. But, disaster struck not once, but twice. Robert Woods was a late scratch and Tyreek Hill left with a hamstring injury before catching a single pass. Needing a minor miracle to take home the victory, Arik got just enough from Travis Kelce (15 points) and Austin Ekeler (13 points), squeezing by Jimmy by just a single point. While Arik gets some breathing room with the win, Jimmy is push back into the plethora of 5-6 teams battling it out for a trip to the playoffs. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (5-6) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-8)

121.18 – 61.68

It may be hard to believe, but Three Eyed Raven’s DIDN’T waste an amazing performance from his real life and fantasy football QB. While Lamar Jackson (33 points) is typically the only person in Ewing’s lineup, he actually had support this time, courtesy of John Brown (25 points) and Marlon Mack (16 points). While there were certainly some gaping holes in scoring (looking at you, Juju Smith-Schuster and Mohamed Sanu), the aforementioned trio did plenty to cover them up. It also helped that Ewing was playing the last place team, which disappointed once again. Greater Fools got a comparatively down day from Pat Mahomes (16 points), who was by far the team’s highest scorer and one just two people to finish with double digits (and with more than five points). Christian Kirk, Dad’s star pickup the week before, was pretty much the only Cardinals offensive weapon not to do anything, as was Amari Cooper somehow passed over in Dak Prescott’s offensive explosion. As a result, Dad’s season is officially on the brink.

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-6) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-6)

100.76 – 52.40

C’s Champion Team’s chances at making the playoffs just took a huge hit, despite still being a couple spots into safety right now in the standings. Chriss’ set in stone lineup had quite a few cracks in it, thanks to Tyler Lockett, Derrick Henry, and Dane Cruikshank being on byes and David Johnson being invisible. Despite another great day from Kyler Murray (26 points), there were too many holes to fill, especially when only one person in the lineup finishes with double digits. Dixie Normous took full advantage, earning by fair their most lopsided victory this season and quite possibly ever. Jimmy G (31 points) and Stefon Diggs (18 points) nearly outscored Chriss’ entire lineup by themselves, while LeVeon Bell (15 points) finally showed up. All of this was not only able to overcome an overall mediocre performance by the rest of Nick’s lineup (including -3 points by the Texans defense), but also whatever attempt at offense Chriss’ guys put up. While Nick’s postseason hopes get some life, Chriss’ might about to be extinguished.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (8-3) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-7)

120.46 – 87.52

If you would’ve told me Deshaun Watson would only put up FOUR points for Orchids of Asia, I’d assume I got my ass handed to me. Somehow, I was the one handing out ass… why did I say that? Anyway, taking a page out of my father’s book, I picked up a Cardinals player (Jordan Hicks) off the waiver wire. Hicks (23 points) was the leading scorer of the entire matchup with Jop Suey!!!, so I guess I finally did something right. Throw on nice days from Christian McCaffrey (19 points), Mark Andrews (13 points), and the 49ers defense (14 points — thanks for that last TD at the end of the game), and I was able to overcome my QB’s extreme shortcomings. Taylor’s own short QB, Drew Brees (21 points), did well enough and Michael Thomas (17 points) and Joe Mixon (16 points) had good contributions, but the bottom half of the lineup completely fell apart. Once sitting in the Top 3 in the standings, Taylor has now lost six straight games and could see whatever slim playoff hopes he had officially slip away with a seventh straight defeat. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-6) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-8)

124.34 – 64.62

While one huge losing streak kept on going, another was snapped. Footballdamus finally got off the schneid in a big way, blowing the Krispy Kritters out of the water. In fact, by ending his four-game drought, Riez put Richard on one of his own and all but cooked his season. The main piece of this roast was… Josh Allen? Riez took my advice! Also holy shit, Josh Allen scored 33 points. Perhaps even more shocking: Todd Gurley (17 points) actually showed up. Throw in a pair of 13-point days from Deebo Samuel and DeVante Parker and nice efforts from Justin Tucker (12 points) and Aaron Donald (11 points), and Riez was in the driver’s seat. The highest scoring person in Richard’s lineup was Philip Rivers (16 points), who threw four INTs. In fact, apart from Rivers and Carlos Hyde (12 points), no one else gave Richard more than a single digit day. Despite his long winless stretch and overall unpredictable season, Riez is clinging onto that final playoff spot by the skin of his teeth. For Richard, the challenge is now to not finish last.

STANDINGSGIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (9-2)*
2. Good Home COOKin (8-3)*
3. Orchids of Asia (8-3)*
4. Darth Raider (6-5)
5. Three Eyed Ravens (5-6)
6. Gruden Grinders (5-6)
7. C’s Champion Team (5-6)
8. Footballdamus (5-6)
9. Dixie Normous (5-6)
10. Jop Suey!!! (4-7)
11. The Krispy Kritters (3-8)
12. Sleeping Giants (3-8)

* clinched playoff spot

With my win, I have joined Gee and Kyle as postseason participants. Feels good, man. Arik can complete half of the field with a win this week. With as even as the bottom of the standings are, Ewing, Chriss, Nick, and one of Jimmy/Riez can all put themselves on the cusp of the playoffs with a win this week.

On the other side, both Richard and Dad are now on the chopping block. Not only do they need to win to stay alive, they also have to hope at least two of the 5-6 teams lose. Taylor should also be getting nervous, as a loss and wins by four of the 5-6 teams would also eliminate him from playoff contention.

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Good Home COOKin (1308.32)
2. 49ers (1290.24)
3. Orchids of Asia (1261.78)
4. Darth Raider (1180.26)
5. Three Eyed Ravens (1135.46)
6. Gruden Grinders (1103.80)
7. Jop Suey!!! (1073.48)
8. The Krispy Kritters (1051.90)
9. Sleeping Giants (1020.42)
10. C’s Champion Team (1014.22)
11. Footballdamus (1008.34)
12. Dixie Normous (963.74)

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 5 DIRTIEST ON-FIELD MOMENTS IN NFL HISTORY

I woke up Thursday night to news of the Santa Clarita high school shooting and that one of our anchors was leaving the station after the following day’s show. Yet by far the most shocking thing I had a Twitter notification about was Myles Garrett ripping Mason Rudolph’s helmet off and hitting him in the head with it. After my initial half hour reaction of looking up video/reaction and screaming “holy shit” inside my head, I had two questions. 1. People are saying this is the dirtiest act in NFL history — is that true? 2. How the hell can I talk about this obviously important event (one week after it happened) in a unique way the upcoming newsletter? This is what you’d call killing two birds with one stone, or in Garrett’s language “hitting two QBs with one helmet.”

Keep in mind, these are plays which go beyond just a tough hit or a bad tackle — they have to be demonstrably outside of the basic decorum of football. For example, while Vontaze Burfict is a gigantic piece of shit who plays extremely dirty, pretty much all of his hits can be argued (not saying I’d make that argument) as simply him playing too hard and too rough. We’re also going beyond four basic Ndamukong Suh foot stomps or Richie Incognito buffoonery (more on him later). These plays are the worst of the worse.

HONORABLE MENTION: GETTING BLINDSIDED

Before this stuff was outlawed, any special teams play or turnover would lead to defensive players throwing blocks/hits on often unsuspecting opponents. Take Warren Sapp’s blindside shot on Chad Clifton that was so cheap Green Bay Packers coach Mike Sherman nearly fought Sapp afterwards. The hit led to new unnecessary roughness rules in 2005. Fuck Warren Sapp.

HONORABLE MENTION: NEARLY EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN THE 70’S AND 80’S

As people love to say, football was a different game back in the day. Player safety was, to put it mildly, not on the forefront of people’s minds. Guys like Dick Butkus, Deacon Jones, Jack Tatum, Joe Greene, and the ’85 Bears would be banned for life in this day and age. Incidents like Joe Jones’ sack on Terry Bradshaw were bad even then, but it only got a 15-yard penalty.

HONORABLE MENTION: LYLE ALZADO

Lyle Alzado might’ve been the craziest motherfucker ever to play in the NFL. I mean, he fought Muhammad Ali for heaven’s sake. When guys like Ted Hendricks and Matt Millen think you’re nuts, you’re nuts. With that insanity comes some… questionable behavior, like ripping off Chris Ward’s helmet during a scuffle, then throwing it right back at him in a fit of rage.

Now you might be thinking, “isn’t that nearly the exact same thing Myles Garrett did?” Yes my friends, it is. Here’s the thing about what Alzado did: at the time, there was no rule about using a helmet as a weapon. Technically, Alzado didn’t do anything illegal, which is why this isn’t on the main list. This incident did lead to the Lyle Alzado Rule, which Garrett broke last week.

5. SWANN STRUCK DOWN

Along with the aforementioned Lyle Alzado shenanigans, there are plenty of instances from the 70’s/80’s Oakland Raiders that could qualify for this list. But we’ll stick with one of the few people on the Silver and Black’s historic secondary I haven’t mentioned: George Atkinson. There was a reason Atkinson was able to maintain his half of the partnership with the legendarily terrifying Jack Tatum. Atkinson’s main move was winding back and hitting opposing players in the head with his forearm. Like I said, different era. Anyway, the most infamous example was in 1976 against Lynn Swann of the Pittsburgh Steelers. During a play in which neither player was near the ball, Atkinson smashed his arm into Swann’s head, knocking him unconscious and giving him a concussion. It was the second time in the year in which Atkinson gave Swann a concussion with a forearm blow. Steelers coach Chuck Noll called Atkinson part of the “criminal element” of the NFL. Atkinson then sued Noll and the Steelers for $2M.

4. SWING AND A MISS

I don’t know which fact about this incident is more bizarre, that this happened in the preseason or that Richie Incognito was the VICTIM. Incognito and the perpetrator, Antonio Smith, had beef before this 2013 game. The previous season, Incognito had held onto Smith’s leg long after a play (Smith said he was trying to twist his ankle), so Smith kicked Incognito. When Incognito’s Miami Dolphins and Smith’s Houston Texans met up, the two got into it again. As the two kept battling after the play was over, Smith ripped Incognito’s helmet off and swung it back at him. Fortunately for Incognito, Smith, and the rest of the NFL, the swipe missed completely, but replays allowed the extend of the dirtiness to be seen. For a number of reasons, I think this play got swept under the rug a bit in terms of dirtiness. Smith only got suspended one game, Incognito kind of deserved it, and this happened during the preseason. But the biggest reason is simple: Smith missed. Imagine the outcry if Smith had connected right on Incognito’s head…

3. GARRETT GOES BALLISTIC

… oh yeah, that happened last week. This was the imperfect storm of bad publicity for the NFL. In the league’s 100th season, during an era of focus on player safety, a star player on one of the most prominent teams hits a QB with a history of concussion problems in the head with his own helmet. Beyond the whole “hitting someone with a helmet” aspect of this incident, what the actual hell was Myles Garrett thinking. You’re literally eight seconds from a big win over a hated rival. Let this little scuffle go and celebrate. As Baker Mayfield said, this melee left a victory feeling like a loss. Obviously, there’s no way right now to measure the historical impact of what Garrett did, but it’s safe to say we’ll be talking about what happened one week ago for years and years. By the way, the best part of the entire thing is after Mason Rudolph (who wasn’t exactly innocent in all of this) gets knocked down by Larry Ogunjobi. Rudolph looks up at Ogunjobi and yells “BITCH!” Also, these two teams play in two weeks. Can’t wait.

2. MARTIN DROPS MCMAHON

One of the most interesting questions in NFL history is how, with the greatest defense of all time, did the Chicago Bears not win more than one Super Bowl during the 80’s? Probably the most controversial non-title year was 1986, when the defending champion Bears were eliminated in the Divisional Round by the Washington Redskins. However, Chicago was without QB Jim McMahon thanks to the biggest cheap shot ever to take place on an NFL field. Several seconds (like 5-10) after McMahon threw an interception against the Green Bay Packers, Charles Martin grabbed him from behind and body slammed him to the ground. McMahon tore his rotator cuff and made him even more injury prone than ever. Martin’s hit was so bad, he received the first multi-game suspension for an on-field incident in modern NFL history. He got two games for a hit being too vicious and too dirty in the goddamn 80’s. Do you know how hard that is? If you mention Martin’s name around Bears fans, they will start to foam at the mouth.

1. HAYNESWORTH PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN

In addition to being arguably the worst free agent signing in NFL history (this is the kind of effort you’d expect from a $100M player), Albert Haynesworth also committed the dirtiest, worst, most unsportsmanlike foul in professional football. During a 2006 game between his Tennessee Titans and the Dallas Cowboys, Andre Gurode fell to the ground after a scoring play. While it’s unclear if actually took Gurode’s helmet off, replay clearly showed Haynesworth first attempt to stomp on Gurode’s uncovered head, then actually stomped on his face. The stomp narrowly missed his right eye, but it did result in him needing 30 stitches. Haynesworth was ejected from the game, but only after throwing his helmet in frustration to being penalized. Haynesworth was suspended for five games, breaking Charles Martin’s record for the most for an on-field incident. That mark stood until this past season, when Vontaze Burfict was suspended for 12 games (plus any playoff action). Even when Oakland isn’t trying, a Raider always gets in trouble.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

I see you dabbing, Hunter Renfrow.

Why oh why can the Raiders never have an easy win? Oakland either gets killed, loses a heart attack-inducing game, or wins a heart attack-inducing game. Even when facing the 0-9 Cincinnati Bengals, the Raiders have to play down to their competition and make things difficult. For as good as both of them played — especially helping put the game away late — Derek Carr and Josh Jacobs’ turnovers were big reasons the margin of victory wasn’t much bigger. 

Oakland did enough to win, thanks in large to part to the defense. The Silver and Black largely shut down the Bengals, with the exception of giving up Cincinnati’s first TD by a RB of the season and ruining one of my Andy Dalton rushing facts (fuck ya’ll for not texting anything). While I won’t heap praise on putting the clamps on a winless team on the road starting a rookie QB, it’s hard to look at what Maxx Crosby and company did and not be a little impressed. The Raiders had to lean on their defense to take care of business.

Look where that business has them now — still a half-game back in the AFC west… because Philip Rivers can’t stop throwing INTs. Thanks, baby maker.

No that this result changes anything we need to do this week. Up next is another easily winnable game against the awful New York Jets. Even if the Jets weren’t as bad as the infection which plagued their QB, I’d still be concerned for reasons apart from my eternal Raiders pessimism. This game will be played early and on the East Coast, neither of which have historically been great indicators of success for the Raiders. New York has also shown flashes of not being a complete dumpster fire, such as when they somehow beat the Dallas Cowboys. That contest came in the Meadowlands, where Sunday’s game will be held. This game, while extremely winnable, could also be detrimental if we lose. The Buffalo Bills keep winning and who the hell knows how the Indianapolis Colts and Houston Texans will perform on a weekly basis at this point? You can only control what you can control.

Worry about the Kansas City Chiefs next week. Take care of business Sunday.

THE KAEPERNICK QUESTION(S)

Me earlier: yeah this Colin Kaepernick story is way too much of a powder keg to even touch. 

Me after being desensitized to this shit by spending the past two weeks covering all of the fucking impeachment hearings: TOUCH.

Let me make my opinion clear: Kaepernick has not been without a job for the past few years because of his play. Kaepernick has, statistically, been an above average QB even during his final (as of now) seasons in the NFL. At his peak, Kaepernick was a game changer who set the league on fire as a taller, less accurate Lamar Jackson. His slide just happened to coincide with the time the San Francisco 49ers becoming a dumpster fire due to moronic decisions made by Trent Baalke and Jed York. The team fucking sucked, but it was far from Kaepernick’s fault. Was it partially? Of course. But way too much of the burden fell on his shoulders. 

Kaepernick has been without a job for the past few years because of the fallout over his National Anthem protests. Kneeling during the anthem is a brave thing to do, but Kaepernick was strong in his conviction against racial injustice and police brutality. Because of the hypernationalism felt in certain parts of the country and the normalized militarization of sports, there was a huge outcry over Kaepernick’s perceived disrespect towards the American flag and military, despite him trying out an idea he had with former NFL player and Army veteran Nate Boyer as to not appear to be disrespecting the military. A bunch of arguing happened, President Trump (of course) couldn’t shut the fuck up about it, Jerry Jones flip flopped once it was convenient, there was a whole controversy with a Nike ad, and the kneeling even spread to other sports. 

While the fallout was happening, Kaepernick fell out the NFL. His belief, and the belief of many others, was that he was blackballed by the league owners because of his protests. I have a slight problem with this line of thinking. For as just as Kaepernick’s cause was, he knew the issue would be polarizing. His individual and team decline in performance (he was backing up Blaine “whoa there motherfucker” Gabbert at the time) had him already in a precarious position, and he knew the risks of doing something like this (though probably not the vastness of the shitshow it would cause). What would’ve helped from a PR standpoint was being as sympathetic a figure as he could. What didn’t help was wearing socks depicting police officers as pigs, praising Fidel Castro, and admitting to not voting in the 2016 Presidential Election. Kaepernick’s contract was also a problem, with him refusing to take a pay cut to be traded to the Denver Broncos. 

Altogether, while Kaepernick did a noble and brave action that drew attention to a real problem in society, he was also a declining, expensive, walking PR nightmare whose signing would’ve sparked protests in half of any team’s fan base. That’s not worth a backup QB. Yes, guys like Geno Smith, Nathan Peterman, Mike Glennon, Paxton Lynch, A.J. McCarron, and Mitch Trubisky have all gotten significant playing time (all are still in the league) despite being significantly worse QBs than Kaepernick, none of them have the baggage nor contracts (Glennon aside) that comes with signing the man with the huge afro. Suing the NFL probably didn’t help, either.

All of this, of course, is coming back into light thanks to Kaepernick’s out-of-nowhere workout this past weekend. Last week, out of the goddamn blue, the NFL announced it would hold a workout for Kaepernick that weekend and invite scouts from all 32 teams to attend. The workout would be closed to the media and include an interview, with videos of both being sent to each team. This apparent olive branch seemed more like a Trojan horse (or at the very least really goddamn weird) for a number of reasons. Why was this happening now, during the middle of the season and three years after this whole thing started in the first place? Aside from scouting combines, the NFL rarely sets up workouts for all of its teams. So why do one for Kaepernick? He’s a free agent, so any interested team could host him at their own leisure. Why was this workout being held on a Saturday, while teams are getting ready for games, and not a more typical day of the week like Tuesday? All of this was quite unusual.

So it wasn’t surprising to see everything go crazy on the day of the workout. Kaepernick changed plans about 30 minutes before the workout, opting instead for a nearby high school. He and his personal team were apparently concerned over the media not being invited and issues with a liability waiver the NFL asked him to sign. Only about seven teams attended the relocated workout, which apparently was decently impressive. The NFL condemned Kaepernick for fucking up their plans, Kaepernick said the NFL was doing shady shit, and we were back to square one.

Maybe the NFL should’ve been more lenient with the circumstances about the workout. Maybe Kaepernick should’ve just done what the NFL wanted in this apparent last chance scenario. Regardless of who was at fault and how good Kaepernick looked, one thing is clear: nothing has changed. Kaepernick has plenty of talent, but even more baggage — too much baggage for an NFL team to take a realistic chance at signing him as a fringe starter/backup.

You know what’s the most fucked up part of all of this? Police brutality and the oppression of minorities, the very causes Kaepernick championed, haven’t really changed. While no one thought a football player kneeling would change the basic fabric of American society, there are still unfortunate incidents of people of color dying at the hands of police officers (accidentally and maliciously). The most notable example for us — the death of Stephon Clark — happened a year and a half after Kaepernick first took a knee. Not only were the insane protests that followed notable in their own right, but jack shit happened to the officers who shot and killed Clark. The larger issue hasn’t stopped. 

But what has stopped? Kneeling during the anthem. While there was a wave of similar protests during the months and year(ish) after Kaepernick did his thing, they’ve largely stopped. Despite, again, the larger issue still being present, there are really no notable athletes kneeling down anymore. This could be due to the aforementioned threats from NFL owners and the White House, or from fear of public outcry. Hell, one of the main aspects of the new XFL Vince McMahon explicitly pointed out is that players will be required to stand for the anthem. The very action which got Kaepernick kicked out of the NFL is no longer being made.

Much like Kaepernick’s own playing situation, nothing has really changed. It’s a shame.

Alright, back to the funny football things.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Now, it’s time for our favorite segment, Laughing at the rest of the AFC West. This week’s subject: the Denver Broncos.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA — there are 20 “HA”s in there, by the way. It’s the same amount of points the Broncos were leading by when they pulled an Atlanta Falcons/Baylor Bears. How do you fuck up that badly against a team (and QB) known for being perennial chokers? Goddamn, I love schadenfreude. 

Denver’s gonna give us a devastating loss in Week 17, aren’t they?

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 21, 1925, Red Grange played his last game of college football. What does a CFB moment from the 1920’s have to do with NFL history? A lot, as it turns out. Back in the early days football, college competition was seen as better and more legitimate than the pros. College stars wouldn’t even go to the NFL because it was seen as “selling out.” As far as college stars go, Grange might’ve been the biggest of the “leatherhead” era or any other — ESPN named him the best CFB player of all time in 2008. A three-time consensus All-American RB, Grange led Illinois to an undefeated, national championship season in 1923. He became a household name in 1924 with a legendary performance against Michigan, returning the opening kickoff for a TD, rushing for four more scores, passing for a TD, and snagging two INTs. Grange’s efforts gave him the badass nickname “The Galloping Ghost.” But during the 1925 season, the real action was taking place behind the scenes. C.C. Pyle, a local theater owner and promoter, arranged an elaborate deal with Chicago Bears owner/head coach George Halas to pay Grange $3K and part of the gate receipts per game. The day after his college career ended, Grange announced his signing with the Bears, shocking the football world and bringing credibility to the pro game. Halas and the Bears hastily put together a “barnstorming tour” complete with NFL games and exhibitions. Grange made his pro debut on thanksgiving, drawing a crowd of 36,000 fans (the previous game saw just 7,000 attendees). That was the first of 19 games Chicago played in 67 days, including a ten-game span in just 18 days. Grange didn’t do too much on the field, but his presence was more than enough to draw a crowd. Then some weird, old timey shit happened. Grange and his agent tried to buy part of the Bears in 1926. When that was rejected, they formed their own league, which folded a year later. Grange’s team was absorbed into the NFL in 1927, but Grange suffered an injury that kept him out of 1928. Grange’s team folded, so he rejoined the Bears. Playing primarily on defense, Grange was still a huge draw until his retirement in 1934. Grange, the last person to play college and pro football in the same season, was a charter member of both the college and pro football HOF. In addition to his football playing abilities, Grange also had a big cultural impact. He was the first football player to appear on a box of Wheaties, made multiple movies, and served as the inspiration for the 2008 film Leatherheads, starring George Clooney, Renee Zellweger, and John Krasinski.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1992 — A major tornado strikes the Houston area, marking the beginning of the largest tornado outbreak ever to occur in the U.S.
• 1986 — National Security Council member Oliver North and his secretary start to shred documents allegedly implicating them in the Iran-Contra affair.
• 1961 — The “La Ronde,” the first revolving restaurant in the U.S., opens in Honolulu.
• 1922 — Rebecca Latimer Felton of Georgia becomes the first female U.S. Senator.
• 1918 — The Flag of Estonia, previously used by pro-independence activists, is formally adopted as the national flag.
• 1905 — Albert Einstein’s paper that leads to the mass–energy equivalence formula, E = mc², is published in the journal Annalen der Physik.
• 1902 — The Philadelphia Football Athletics defeat the Kanaweola Athletic Club 39–0 in the first ever professional American football night game.
• 1877 — Thomas Edison announces his invention of the phonograph.
• 1789 — North Carolina is admitted as the 12th U.S. state.
• 1783 — The first untethered hot air balloon flight takes place in Paris.
• 1676 — The Danish astronomer Ole Rømer presents the first quantitative measurements of the speed of light.
• 1620 — Plymouth Colony settlers sign the Mayflower Compact.
• 164 B.C. — Judas Maccabeus restores the Temple in Jerusalem, an event commemorated each year by Hanukkah.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1989 — Justin Tucker, Baltimore Raven and the most accurate K in NFL history.
• 1985 — Carly Rae Jepsen, singer who you should call, maybe.
• 1971 — Michael Strahan, HOF DE, NFL single-season sack record (22.5) holder, football TV analyst, and co-host of Good Morning America.
• 1969 — Ken Griffey Jr., HOF outfielder and 7th on the MLB all-time HR list (630).
• 1966 — Troy Aikman, HOF QB, three-time Super Bowl champion, and sportscaster.
• 1965 — Björk Guðmundsdóttir, singer/songwriter best known by the name, Björk.
• 1948 — George Zimmer, co-founder/former CEO of Men’s Warehouse and the subject of the “I Guarantee it” meme.
• 1945 — Goldie Hawn, Academy/Golden Globe Award-winning actress best known as Toni Simmons in Cactus Flower and Judy Benjamin in Private Benjamin. 
• 1944 — Harold Ramis, actor/comedian best known as Egon Spengler in the Ghostbusters franchise and Russell Ziskey in Stripes who also directed films such as Caddyshack, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Groundhog Day, and Analyze That.
• 1944 — Earl “The Pearl” “Black Jesus” Monroe, HOF guard.
• 1920 — Stan “The Man” Musial — HOF outfielder/first baseman.
• 1916 — Sid Luckman, HOF QB and one of the greatest NFL players of the pre-Super Bowl era.

DEATHS:

• 2017 — David Cassidy, actor/singer best known as Keith Partridge on The Partridge Family.
• 1993 — Bill Bixby, actor/game show panelist best known as the Dr. Banner to Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk in The Incredible Hulk.
• 1958 — Mel Ott, HOF outfielder and incredible power hitter.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Stuffing Day! Do you ever think about how exactly certain foods became cultural staples, or were even thought of at all? For example, how did we think of putting bread bits and veggies inside of a turkey and cooking the whole thing? I know the two are now cooked separately and not even put together sometimes, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the name “stuffing.” It’s like eating bread with sides of peanut butter and jelly, instead of putting it all together as a sandwich. If stuffing was invented today, it would be like some high/drunk creation or Epic Meal Time shit. But because the indigenous people/pilgrims did it, it’s cool. Okay.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

BENGALS FAN LIVING ON ROOF OF RESTAURANT UNTIL TEAM WINS

MILAN, Ind. — Sports fans are known to do crazy things. Hopefully not injury-risking, set-yourself-on-fire-jumping-onto-a-flaming-table crazy, but a better kind of crazy.

Jeff Lanham is more in the latter category. We think.

Lanham and his wife Chrissy own Hog Rock Cafe in Milan, Ind., about 40 miles from Cincinnati. As you’d guess, they’re Bengals fans.

Via the Washington Post, after the Bengals lost their fourth game of the season, Chrissy Lanham was on Facebook trying to defend their team in the wake of the 27-3 drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Steelers when Jeff told her he was going to live on the roof of the sports bar if Cincinnati lost to the Arizona Cardinals in Week 5.

Jeff was joking, but Chrissy changed the game when she shared her husband’s pronouncement on live television before the Cardinals game; local station WKRC often does remote hits from Hog Rock’s popular tailgate party when Cincinnati is on the road.

As a man of his word, after the Bengals lost to the Cardinals, Jeff followed through..

READ MORE

I’m not sure which was worse, his decision to not move from inside a tent on top of a bar during winter in Cincinnati until the worst team in the NFL actually manages to beat someone, or his decision to become a Bengals fan.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (8-3) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-6)

We’re back to square one, everyone. A lot has chanced since Three Eyed Ravens’ demoralizing Week 1 loss to Orchids of Asia. Ewing finally figured out his QB situation, going with the guy who’s probably gonna be named MVP. This time, it’s the Rams defense (and me) which has to deal with Lamar Jackson. But Ewing has to deal with Marlon Mack’s broken hand, potentially into the postseason. Depending on whether John Brown faces the 1st half or 2nd half Broncos, he may be able to fill the void. I’d be more optimistic about Juju Smith-Schuster, but even against the Bengals, Mason Rudolph is a bad QB. Maybe the helmet to the head will bring forth a Henry Rowengartner-esque change in form. I sure as hell hope Deshaun Watson goes back to his old form and actually gives me points against a low key tough Colts defense. Christian McCaffrey may be Run-CMC, but the Saints defense man… it’s tricky. At least Ewing won’t be the only one in this matchup rooting for Baltimore — let’s go Mark Andrews and the Ravens defense! 

C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-6) VS. DARTH RAIDER (6-5)

Damn near everyone in these next few matchups will be rooting for me to beat Ewing, especially if they can’t get through the thick of it on their own. Darth Raider has done enough to separate themselves from the rest of the pack — for now. Matt Ryan has had a mild resurgence, which Arik is hoping continues against the weak Buccaneers defense. He’d also probably like a resurgence and some Chris Carson-esque production from Saquon Barkley, though both are playing tough defenses this week. Arik may need his WRs to actually show up this week, especially if the Jets defense can’t get it done against the… Raiders? You’re really starting New York against Oakland? Man, that’s just disrespectful. Fortunately for Arik, it won’t matter. C’s Champion Team may have most of their pieces — Julio Jones, Tyler Lockett, Derrick Henry — back, but the biggest one of all (Kyler Murray) is on a bye week. If that wasn’t enough, remember that Rams defense that has to deal with Lamar Jackson? Yep, it’s Chriss’ defense. Better luck next week, man.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-6) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-6)

Every time Gruden Grinders and Footballdamus look like they have their shit together, they take a step back. Every time Riez and Jimmy seem like they’ve finally been done in, they right the ship. I have no fucking clue what to make of these teams, other than I have no fucking clue. But I’ll wager a guess that Jimmy’s gonna do much better than last week. Why? The Pack is back. Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Jones, and Davante Adams are done with their bye week. What’s more, Jimmy’s Raiders — Darren Waller, Josh Jacobs, Daniel Carlson — are up against the awful Jets. Going even further, the Steelers defense will likely lock down the winless Bengals. As for Riez’s guys, they’re not exactly in entirely favorable matchups. Josh Allen has been on fire, but it could be put out against the Broncos (the whole 1st/2nd half thing). Todd Gurley has to deal with the Ravens defense, while Leonard Fournette still has just one TD this year and the Titans defense is no slouch. At least if OBJ doesn’t light the Dolphins up, Jarvis Landry will… probably.

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-6) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-8)

Can the lowest scoring team in the league actually make the playoffs? If Dixie Normous can get another win, they will vault into a postseason spot with one week to go. Nick has positioned himself in contention thanks to the play of Jimmy G and Stefon Diggs, though the handsome man is on a bye week and Garoppolo is facing a tough Packers squad. This week, Nick’s production will come down to how LeVeon Bell can do against the Raiders and if the Texans defense can get put back together against he Colts, as well as how on-and-off guys like Golden Tate, James Conner, and Adam Vinatieri can perform. Nick is also facing the worst team in the league, which has a huge problem to solve this week. Two of the only bright spots on Sleeping Giants — Pat Mahomes and Kirk Cousins — are on byes this week. It doesn’t matter how well guys like Amari Cooper, Peyton Barber, Frank Gore, David Montgomery, or Darius Leonard perform. This is Dad’s best shot at winning (and not finishing last) he has left. He needs a QB.

49ERS (9-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-8)

As for the other contender in the battle to not finish last. the Krispy Kritters has the toughest two opponents they could get: the top two teams in the league. That starts with the new No. 1 seed 49ers, which .believe it or now might be more vulnerable than you’d think. Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin can put up points, but the Falcons defense has been on another level over the past two weeks. Both Curtis Samuel and Alvin Kamara are also facing not soft defenses, while Gee’s Patriots defense has a conflict of interest with Ezekiel Elliott. Nick Chubb could end up being the highest scorer on the roster against the woeful Dolphins. Richard, meanwhile, gets Russell Wilson back and has Kenny Golladay and Alvin Robinson in fantastic matchups. In addition, the Cowboys defense could take advantage of a surprisingly bad Patriots offense, while Luke Kuechly could cancel out Kamara. If things break right, there’s a legitimate chance Richard could actually pull the upset here. Oh who am I kidding, Gee will probably kick Richard’s ass. 

GOOD HOME COOKIN (8-3) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (4-7)

I know you all have been waiting with bated breath for my Grey Cup prediction, so here we go. The Hamilton Tiger-Cats have been on a tear this year, with Dane Evans and Brandon Banks powering their team to the best overall record in the CFL. The Tiger-Cats defense has also been spectacular, particularly with Ja’Gared Davis and Simoni Lawrence leading an impressive unit. That strength will be tested by a pissed off Zach Collaros and Andrew Harris (motivation is a huge factor in these kinds of games). As for defense, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have two of the most dominant players in the league in Willie Jefferson and Winston Rose. But while that defense has been key in Winnipeg’s two road wins these playoffs, its strength is in stopping the run. Hamilton has a deadly passing game, with Evans and Banks likely able to take advantage of a subpar secondary (Rose aside). The Tiger-Cats will be able to put up points, but I don’t think Collaros and Harris will be able to do enough to keep up. Hamilton takes it 39-23. 

ONE LAST THING

This week, we passed the anniversary of one of the must gruesome injuries of this and any era in sports. Monday marked one year since Alex Smith suffered a compound and spiral fracture to his tibia and fibula in his right leg while being sacked by Kareem Jackson and J.J. Watt. While the injury (which happened 33 years to the day after Joe Theismann’s own horrific injury) was awful enough in its own right (I’m not linking the video), what happened after that might’ve been even worse. Over the past year, Smith has underwent 17 different surgeries (holy shit) and battled a number of infections. On Monday, Smith’s wife posted a video to Instagram, highlighting the first year of recovery for her husband and his battle to get back to a normal life.

What the video also showed was just how incredible Smith’s recovery has been. Theismann’s injury ended his career. Smith is back to walking and running, and is preparing to practice dropbacks, moving around in the backfield, and throwing to live WRs. He actually has a shot at playing football again (albeit a slim one). But what might be even more impressive is what Smith has done since the injury. Even while on crutches, Smith has been a constant at the Redskins practice facility, serving as a mentor to Dwayne Haskins (and doing a better job than the Washington offensive line) and cheering up the other players. 

Alex Smith is a good bye. Props to him on an incredible recovery, and good luck in your future improvement and overall live.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

9th-Biggest CFL Fan Who Has Actually Been to Canada, Greater Sacramento Area