Ruben's Writings

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope this newsletter finds you all well. If you’re reading this as a way to distract from holiday visits, as a way to connect while missing out on some Turkey Day traditions, or simply because you’re a fellow football junkie, I’ve got some good stuff for you this week. This includes a pretty major life announcement by me, which you’ll find after you’ve read until the end. Thanks for being great league members, in spite of all of the goddamn trades.

To feasts and football!

(cue theme music)

Because we need to be reminded of the real meaning behind the Thanksgiving holiday, let’s do recaps a little bit differently today…

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-6) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-7)

108.60 – 67.36

Things Footballdamus has to be thankful for:

• Josh Allen has been balling out lately
• Jarvis Landry wanted revenge on the Dolphins
• Leonard Fournette woke up
• Todd Gurley and Aaron Donald statistically have to play better than that next week
• Jimmy did so poorly, Riez didn’t need a defense
• They’ll probably make the playoffs despite my previous bitching

Things Wild Hogs have to be thankful for:

• They’re still in a decent (albeit not ideal) postseason position
• The Packers have a cakewalk schedule (Vikings aside) remaining
• The Raiders cannot possibly play worse than that, right? (more on that later)
• Alcohol exists

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (9-3) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-7)

118.02 – 89.36

Things Orchids of Asia have to be thankful for:

• Deshaun Watson scored more than four points
• Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore keep getting me points despite the Panthers losing
• Not starting George Kittle didn’t come back to bite me in the ass
• I have two of the best defenses in football
• I swept my best friend in the regular season

Things Three Eyed Ravens have to be thankful for:

• Lamar Jackson is God
• Ewing made a great pickup in Jonathan Williams
• Statistically everyone else on the roster has to play better next week… right?
• They’ll still probably make the playoffs because they score a life
• Ewing’s real life team is a fantastic distraction from fantasy right now

DARTH RAIDER (7-5) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-7)

76.64 – 41.10

Things Darth Raider has to be thankful for

• I ate crow over my bitching about them rolling with the Jets defense
• Chriss’ lineup did so poorly it masked Arik’s own shitty effort
• They’re in the playoffs
• The lower seeds are inconsistent, so there’s a good chance they make the semi-finals

Things C’s Champion Team has to be thankful for

• They saw this coming and could prepare for the awfulness
• All of the Cardinals are coming back this week
• Chriss is in playoff contention despite not being able to adjust his lineup all season
• They’ll probably make it in because of lucky matchups this week

DIXIE NORMOUS (6-6) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-9)

82.62 – 53.58

Things Dixie Normous has to be thankful for:

• Despite being the lowest-scoring team, they’re in a playoff spot right now
• Jimmy G might actually be the second coming of Jesus
• Latavis Murray was a low key great pickup
• Their opponent was trash
• Nick beat me earlier this year, so I’m nervous about the rematch this week

Things Sleeping Giants have to be thankful for:

• The season is almost over
• They still have a (long) shot at not finishing in last place
• Dad’s real life team is the best in the NFC
• They’re getting their own segment this week

GOOD HOME COOKIN (9-3) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-8)

109.78 – 86.24

Things Good Home COOKin has to be thankful for:

• Their average days are better than most teams’ good days
• DeAndre Hopkins woke up
• Mark Ingram is fucking killing it right now
• They can seemingly always get points from anyone
• They can still get the No. 1 seed and top scoring title
• Kyle will still probably win the goddamn title again

Things Jop Suey!!! has to be thankful for:

• Somehow Taylor hasn’t been eliminated from playoff contention yet
• Drew Brees and Michael Thomas are still scoring machines
• The Bills defense was a fantastic choice
• Barring an act of God, they won’t finish in last place
• There are plenty of proven treatments for male pattern baldness

49ERS (10-2) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-9)

139.42 – 84.50

Things 49ers have to be thankful for:

• They’re the best team and have the deepest roster in the league
• Gee is the favorite to win both the BWW gift card and free beer
• Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin are insane when they play well(ish)
• They have the only two consistently productive Browns players in their lineup
• Given Gee’s real life team’s success, he’s having a pretty good year

Things the Krispy Kritters have to be thankful for:

• They weren’t complete garbage this week
• Allen Robinson actually showed up
• They still have Russell Wilson
• Unless a minor miracle happens, Richard likely won’t finish in last place
• There’s only one more week left
• They’re also getting their own segment this week

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (10-2)*
2. Good Home COOKin (9-3)*
3. Orchids of Asia (9-3)*
4. Darth Raider (7-5)*
5. Foodballdamus (6-6)
6. Dixie Normous (6-6)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (5-7)
8. Gruden Grinders (5-7)
9. C’s Champion Team (5-7)
10. Jop Suey!!! (4-8)
11. The Krispy Kritters (3-9)e
12. Sleeping Giants (3-9)e

* – clinched playoff spot

e – eliminated

With Arik’s win, we now have half the playoff field confirmed and our first seed likely set in stone. Considering he can’t catch me/Kyle and has too big of a points gap between him and Riez/Nick, we can pencil Arik in as the No. 4 seed. Also, Gee clinches the top spot (and the BWW gift card) with a win or outscoring me/Kyle. 

We also have our first eliminations of the season. Dad and Richard failed to pick up a must-needed win, meaning they officially can no longer qualify for the playoffs.

Taylor, incredibly, is still alive for the postseason, although only one scenario will see that happen. He’ll need to beat Ewing, have Jimmy and Chriss lose, and finish with more points than Chriss/Jimmy (Chriss won’t be a problem, but Taylor currently trails Jimmy by 12 points). Ewing meanwhile will clinch a playoff spot with a win, as will Riez and Nick. This will be a wild finish.

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (1429.66)
2. Good Home COOKin (1418.60)
3. Orchids of Asia (1379.80)
4. Darth Raider (1256.90)
5. Three Eyed Ravens (1223.62)
6. Gruden Grinders (1171.16)
7. Jop Suey!!! (1159.72)
8. The Krispy Kritters (1136.40)
9. Footballdamus (1116.94)  
10. Sleeping Giants (1074.00)
11. C’s Champion Team (1055.32)
12. Dixie Normous (1045.36)

It seems the points battle is also coming down to the wire. This appears to be a two-horse race, with just 11 points separating Gee and Kyle. In theory, I also have a shot, although it’ll require poor games by both Gee/Kyle and a tremendous effort from my guys to close the 50-point gap.

IN MEMORIAM

It took until Week 12, but we finally saw our first official eliminations of the season. There will be at least one new team to fall each week from now until the end of the year, so let us remember those teams we’ve lost along the way.

SLEEPING GIANTS (DAD)

Remember way back in Week 3 when Sleeping Giants beat Footballdamus by 57 points and was one of the hottest teams in the league? Ten weeks later, Dad seems locked into finishing in last place. Only once in that time has he won. What the hell happened? It’s easy to point the finger at Week 7, when Pat Mahomes went down with an injury and Dad barely lost to C’s Champion Team. But even superhuman talents like Mahomes or Lamar Jackson can’t win games alone (just ask Three Eyed Ravens). All year, Dad kept trying to Bill Belichick the waiver wire. But he was more like Matt Millen, with pickups like Marquise Goodwin, Jimmy Graham, and Frank Gore not having a long-lasting impact. At least they did better than Dad’s draftees, such as Josh Gordon, Kenny Stills, and Damien Williams. Dad probably could’ve had better guys available to pick when filling out his roster. But that’s what happens when you select Mahomes FOURTH OVERALL, ahead of guys like Nick Chubb, Michael Thomas, and DeAndre Hopkins. Sleep well, Dad.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (RICHARD)

The Krispy Kritters probably should’ve known their season would be an unlucky one when they lost to 49ers by less than a point in Week 1. Even after that disappointing start, Richard was still in okay standing going into Week 8, sitting at 3-4 and just a game back from the No. 3 spot. Then, the wheels fell off. Richard has lost five straight games, with the last three being utter ass whoopings. Kenny Golladay, Allen Robinson, Zach Ertz, Sony Michel, and the Jaguars defense are all capable of nice games, but rarely did they all play well in the same week. As a whole, their offenses sputtered, in part due to horrible play or injury by their QBs. Even Richard’s lone beacon of light, Russell Wilson, has struggled recently. Richard’s only good effort this month was aided by 39 points from Wilson, by far the most he’s put up since mid-October. Richard lost because Dixie Normous, the lowest scorer in the league, decided to drop 127 points that week. Simply put, too much went wrong this year. Maybe not trading Alvin Kamara would’ve helped.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 20 NFL THANKSGIVING DAY MOMENTS

Assuming I met my goal of getting this newsletter out by 9 a.m. and you’ve taken a little more than minutes to see text and read this far, today’s Thanksgiving Day NFL schedule should kick off in about 15 minutes. We’ve got an interesting slate of games, with an expected shitfest between the Bears and Lions, two teams fighting for playoff position in their respective conferences in the Bills and Cowboys, and a rematch of rivals with the Saints and Falcons. There’s good odds some memorable moments will come from one of these games.

Some of the most famous (and infamous) moments in NFL history have taken place on Turkey Day. From the old days to the modern era, we’re seen record-breaking performances, hilarious gaffes, controversies, incredible plays, unexpected breakouts, utter stupidity, and of course plenty of food. As we wait to see what else will be added to the list, let’s take a trip through memory lane and the best and worst of Thanksgiving football.

HONORABLE MENTION: WIN OR FOLD?

There’s an urban legend no one has been able to confirm involving a winner-take-all game in 1920. Either the Chicago Cardinals or the Decatur Staleys allegedly challenged the Chicago Tigers to a game in which the loser would be relegated from the league. While these claims are unsubstantiated, the Tigers did fold after 1920, the first team in NFL history to do so.

HONORABLE MENTION: JOHN MADDEN’S TURDUCKEN

Before calling a Rams-Saints game in 1997, John Madden discovered that turduckens exist. It was love at first sight. Turduckens soon became a staple of Madden’s Thanksgiving broadcasts, with him offering legs to the MVPs of the games, talking about them both on and off camera, and even carving one with his bare hands on live TD. John Madden is a legend.

Dibs on “John Madden’s Turduckens” as a future fantasy football team name.

20. THE ONLY WIN

The Dallas Texans spent one season in Texas before being moved to Baltimore and renamed the Colts. During 1952, the Texans went 1-11, saw at most 17,500 fans at home games at the 75,000-seat Cotton Bowl, and became a traveling team. They were so disastrous, the NFL didn’t want to go back to Dallas, which the AFL took advantage of by putting a franchise (also named the Texans) there. But the lone beacon of light came on Thanksgiving against the Chicago Bears in Akron, where one of the Texans’ last home games was moved. Bears coach George Halas was so convinced they’d win, he started his second string. But in front of a crowd of 3,000 (about ten times smaller than the crowd at the HS football game beforehand), the Texans jumped out to a 20-2. Halas put his starters back in and Chicago took a 23-20 lead. Undeterred, Frank Tripucka scored with 30 seconds left to give Dallas its only win. Halas was so pissed, he slapped the holiday food from his team’s hands on the plane ride home.

19. SPOILING THE CELEBRATION

When it comes to the NFL’s oldest rivalry, there’s not a lot that hasn’t already happened. But in 2015, the Packers and Bears did something they’d never done before: play on Thanksgiving. The holiday was going to be a dream for Green Bay, which had dominated Chicago over the past several years. With a win, the Packers would tie the all-time series record (which they hadn’t even led since 1932). That night also saw Brett Favre’s jersey retirement, so Green Bay had a lot to play for. But instead, the Bears decided to play spoilers at Lambeau Field. After an early TD by Eddie Lacy, Chicago’s defense settled in, only allowing two field goals the rest of the game. The Bears offense came to life in the 2nd quarter with a Jay Cutler TD pass to Zach Miller and a Jeremy Landford TD run. Robbie Gould added another field goal in the 4th quarter and Chicago held on for the 17-13 win. While a victory over the Packers is always nice, denying their rivals glory on their special night made the triumph even sweeter for the Bears.

18. TALKING TRASH AND EATING TURKEY

Levi’s Stadium may be home to the San Francisco 49ers, but it’s been owned by the Seattle Seahawks since 2014. That’s when Seattle did the Thanksgiving football version of pillaging their arch rivals. This was the first meeting of what once were the two best teams in the NFL since their controversial clash in the NFC title game the previous season. While the reigning Super Bowl champion Seahawks were continuing their dominance, the 49ers were riddled with injuries and fighting to stay in the playoff race. Seattle cleaned San Francisco’s clock, shutting them down en route to a 19-3 win. To add insult to injury, Russell Wilson and Richard Sherman took part in a holiday feast smack dab at midfield. The loss was the beginning of the end for that era of the 49ers — Jim Harbaugh was fired and San Francisco went to football purgatory until they were saved by Jimmy Gesus. The Seahawks would once again reach the Super Bowl, where an observation about Seattle’s Turkey Day offense proved to be quite astute.

17. 56 GOES 97

The strike-shortened 1982 season had fewer chances to produce memorable moments, yet it gave us arguably the single best play of Lawrence Taylor’s career. Taylor, then a second-year player who had been injured during the previous week’s game, was being kept on the New York Giants’ sideline despite being dressed for the Thanksgiving matchup against the Detroit Lions. Taylor kept pleading his case to his coaches, who eventually put him in during the 2nd quarter. The OG L.T. rewarded their generosity by having a heft appetizer of Lion before the traditional turkey, feasting on Detroit’s offense. But in the 4th quarter of a tie game, the Lions were just a few yards from the end zone. Just when it lseemed Detroit would take the lead, Taylor stepped in front of a Gary Danielson pass at the three-yard line, caught the ball, and returned it 97 yards to the house. That proved to be the difference in a 13-6 Giants win and helped Taylor make his case for a second straight DPOY award. Two NFL seasons, two DPOY awards. Goddamn.

16. BROTHERS GOTTA HUG

Usually, families of NFL team members have to come up with an unusual dinner plan if they’re on the Thanksgiving slate. Not the Harbaughs in 2011. Whether if be by sheer coincidence or some crafty schedule making, John Harbaugh’s Ravens hosted Jim Harbaugh’s 49ers in the first ever matchup of head coaching brothers. Taking a page from the books of typical family gatherings, this was an incredibly defensive affair. Baltimore got to Alex Smith early and often, tying a franchise record with nine sacks despite missing Ray Lewis. San Francisco, winners of eight straight games going in, kept the Ravens offense in check for most of the game. But Joe Flacco hit Dennis Pitta to break a 6-6 tie in the 4th quarter, with Baltimore pulling out a 16-6 win to give John the Har-Bowl victory. Both the Ravens and 49ers would come within a game of a rematch, losing in their respective conference title matchups. Har-Bowl II would have to wait until Super Bowl XLVII, with big brother once again winning in a “lights out” game.

15. A CHALLENGING DECISION

The NFL has had some moronic rules in its 100 years. In 2012, coaches could be penalized for challenging automatically reviewable plays. Jim Schwartz forgot about that during his Detroit Lions’ showdown with the Houston Texans. Justin Forsett was tackled, but got up and ran for an 81-yard TD. No whistle blew, so the play was ruled a TD. Because all scoring plays are reviewed, the referees would’ve looked at it and called Forsett down. But Schwartz had thrown his challenge flag, meaning the play could no longer be reviewed. For those wondering “wait, what the fuck?” you’re not alone. To add onto the misery, Detroit was issued a 15-yard penalty. To recap: clearly tackle not called, TD unable to be reversed because of a challenge, and got penalized. Because God hates the Lions, Detroit would go on to lose that game in OT for their ninth straight Thanksgiving loss. The NFL would pass the Jim Schwartz rule the following offseason, with challenges no longer costing teams reviews. Too late for Detroit.

14. SHOOTOUT IN THE SILVERDOME

No Turkey Day shootout has matched the show the Packers and Lions put on in 1986. Detroit jumped out to an early 1-0 lead before Green Bay went on a 23-3 run, capped by a TD catch by Walter Stanley. But then the Lions roared to life, scoring three straight TDs on Joe Ferguson passes to take a 37-23 lead. Green Bay cut the deficit with another Stanley TD catch, but found themselves down 40-30 in the 4th quarter. That’s when the Packers packered and the Lions lioned. Green Bay scored again to pull within three and forced a Detroit punt. Hoping to get into field goal range, the Packers instead got Stanley’s third TD of the game with an 83-yard return to the house. That would prove do be the game-winning score, as Green Bay took the 44-40 victory in the second-highest scoring Thanksgiving game of all time. Incredibly, this was also the second highest-scoring Turkey Day game between the Packers and Lions — Detroit defeated Green Bay 52-35 in 1951. Finally, the Lions have something nice on this list!

13. THE FIRST OVERTIME

And… good feelings gone. Before 1974, the NFL allowed games to finish tied at the end of the 4th quarter. But then they tried this newfangled “overtime” idea of an extra period to decide games. Thanksgiving games passed on this new dish for six years until 1980, when the Bears and Lions decided to have seconds. Up 17-3 going into the final frame, Detroit seemed like they were on their way to an easy win. But Chicago had other ideas, as the Bears surged back to tie the game at 17 with a Vince Evans scramble as time expired. The score set up not just the first OT in Turkey Day history, but the first OT game held at the Pontiac Superdome. Dave Williams would soon make it the shortest OT in either case, taking the Lions’ kickoff 95 yards to the end zone just 13 seconds into extra time. Walter Payton was so excited, he accidentally broke Dan Hampton’s nose while celebrating. The loss would prove to be costly for Detroit, which lost the NFC Central title (and a playoff spot) to the Minnesota Vikings via conference record.

12. THE PEYTON SIX

Peyton Manning was pretty good at throwing footballs during the 2000’s. During that same time, the Detroit Lions were pretty bad at playing football. Put the two together, and what happens is probably what’d you expect. There’s no twist to this one — Manning lit up the Lions secondary on Thanksgiving 2004. His first target: Brandon Stokley. The two connected for a pair of scores in the 1st quarter and one more just before the two-minute warning, thanks to some nice moves by Stokley. A Detroit fumble gave Manning another shot, so he decided to switch targets, hitting Marvin Harrison for his fourth TD of the half. Manning went back to Harrison twice in the 3rd quarter before being pulled for the final frame as the Indianapolis Colts finished off a 41-9 curb stomping of the Lions. Manning finished with one more TD (6) than incomplete pass (5) on the night, which sums his night up well. Later that season, Manning would break Dan Marino’s single season TD record with 49. But his six Turkey Day TDs only tied another record.

11. GRIESE DID IT FIRST

Of the QBs to have thrown six TDs in a game, you might not picture Bob Griese, or even know he’s on that list. But indeed he is, thanks to a dominating performance for the Dolphins in 1977. Griese lit up the Cardinals for six TDs, three of them to Nat Moore and all of them before the start of the 4th quarter. Beyond Griese’s atypical display, this game was weird for several reasons. The 55-14 final count remains the highest-scoring output by one team and the biggest blowout in Thanksgiving NFL history. Yet Miami actually gained more yards on the ground (295) than in the air (208) that day. This game is also only one of two Turkey Day afternoon contests since the NFL-AFL merger to be held somewhere other than Dallas or Detroit (St. Louis also hosted the Buffalo Bills in 1975, losing 32-14). But perhaps the most unusual aspect of Griese’s effort was what he had on under his helmet. That season, Griese had started wearing straight up eyeglasses during games because he was basically blind in his right eye.

10. EFFICIENT MOSS

Going into their 1998 Thanksgiving matchup with the Vikings, the Dallas Cowboys knew they had to contain Minnesota’s incredible rookie WR, Randy Moss. If you would’ve told Dallas they would limit Moss to just three catches, they would’ve taken it in a heartbeat. The problem? Every single one of those catches were TDs of more than 50 yards. The first came less than two minutes into the game on a 51-yard flea flicker from Randall Cunningham and was sign of things to come. Later on in the 1st quarter, Moss beat the defense on a 56-yard catch. Moss would be held without a catch until the 3rd quarter, when he snapped a short pass near midfield. Moss broke a tackle and then turned on the jets, outrunning the defense with stunning speed for a 56-yard score. The terrific individual play completed an end result that was one of the more amazing stat lines in NFL history: three catches for 163 yards and three TDs. The Vikings would need every single one to put away the Cowboys in a 46-36 shootout.

9. GARRETT GOES OFF

Remember that time Jason Garrett outdueled Brett Favre? Considering the vast majority of the people in this league were at most two years old at the time, probably not. But it actually happened, I swear. With both Troy Aikman and backup QB Rodney Peete out with injuries, the Dallas Cowboys were forced to start Garrett against Favre and the mighty Green Bay Packers on Thanksgiving. Things didn’t start off too well, with Garrett throwing an INT on the first drive and Dallas trailing 17-6 at halftime. But then the Cowboys suddenly kicked into life. Garrett only completed 15 passes on the day, but they traveled for 311 yards and went for two TDs. Dallas used the deep ball to score 36 points in the second half and secure a surprising 42-31 victory. Garrett’s performance led to him sticking around to be part of the Cowboys’ Super Bowl XXVIII and XXX-winning teams and endeared him to Jerry Jones. This (and him being a Yes Man) is why Richard’s beloved Cowboys seem stuck with the clapping man for a while.

8. BOUNTY BOWL

The Cowboys and Eagles have always hated each other, with the rivalry growing even more intense with the arrival of Buddy Ryan in Philadelphia and the heated players’ strike-related games in 1987. But 1989 saw the hatred reach unprecedented heights. In the teams’ first meeting since Jerry Jones bought the Cowboys, Philadelphia walloped Dallas 27-0, laying the wood during play and (on a few occasions) after the whistle. But the Thanksgiving game was marred by allegations that Ryan put a $200 bounty on Cowboys K Luis Zendejas (who had been cut by the Eagles earlier that season) and a $500 bounty on QB Troy Aikman. Jimmy Johnson has some unkind words for Ryan, who denied the accusations and fired back some not nice remarks of his own. The fallout would result in two intense rematches: Bounty Bowl II (where Eagles fans pelted literally everyone with snowballs) and the Porkchop Bowl (after Ryan choked on a pork chop leading up to the game). Philadelphia won both games.

7. SENSATIONAL SANDERS

Welcome to the Detroit Lions revenge tour. After being on the losing end of so many memorable moments in this list, it’s time for the Lions to start winning. In 1997, it seemed at first that Detroit would get handed an unexpected loss by the Chicago Bears, who took a 20-10 lead in the 2nd quarter of their Thanksgiving matchup. But then, Barry Sanders went to work. Sanders drew Detroit within three points with a highlight reel 40-yard TD before halftime. He would add two more scores in the third quarter, weaving his way through the Bears defense for a total of 167 yards on the ground. Behind Sanders’ incredible effort, the Lions put up 45 unanswered points on Chicago en route to a 55-20 win. Sanders’ sensational performance helped him reach a historic mark: 2,000 yards rushing on the season. It was just the third time it had been done in NFL history (four players have done is since). A season later, Sanders was out of football. Fucking Lions. By the way, guess who was the first player to reach the 2K mark in a season.

6. THE JUICE BREAKS THE RECORD

The answer: O.J. Simpson, who also tied the single-game rushing record of 250 yards during his 2,000-yard season in 1973. In 1977, Simpson would grab that record and, well, run with it. In a Thanksgiving showdown with the Detroit Lions, Simpson could not be stopped, rushing for 273 yards and two TDs in an unbelievable performance. What made Simpson’s efforts all the more incredible was that he was literally the only good player on the Buffalo Bills, who only passed for 15 yards on the day. Detroit took a 20-0 lead and ended up winning 27-14. Everyone knew Simpson was Buffalo’s only threat, yet no one could halt him on his way to history. It was the perfect example of Simpson’s career and time on the Bills. While it took nearly 30 years to break the old record, Simpson’s new record lasted less than 365 days before Walter Payton ran for 275 yards the following season. That was also a perfect example of The Juice’s time in the NFL and in Buffalo. It seemed Simpson just couldn’t catch a single break in life…

5. LIONS STUN LOMBARDI

I write this without any sarcasm or hyperbole: this is the greatest win in Detroit Lions history. The 1962 squad is considered the best version of the Green Bay Packers during the Vince Lombardi era, with most of the key players in their primes and injury-free. The defense was particularly insane, giving up just 10.8 points per game. Those Packers might’ve also been the best rushing team in NFL history. Unsurprisingly, Green Bay won the NFL championship with a 13-1 record. The one loss? That would be the Lions, in one of the biggest upsets the NFL has ever seen, a game dubbed the Thanksgiving Day Massacre. Detroit’s defense was especially astonishing. The Lions shut down the Packers’ vaunted running game and sacked Bart Starr 11 (ELEVEN!) times. On offense, Milt Plum and Gail Cogdill helped Detroit take a 26-0 lead before Green Bay got two garbage time scores in the 4th quarter. The 26-14 loss reportedly made Lombardi the maddest he’s ever been after a game, which is saying something.

4. HEADS OR TAILS?

As the years keep proving, the NFL can have a controversy about anything. In 1998, it was about a coin toss. The Pittsburgh Steelers made a FQ with seconds left in regulation to send their Thanksgiving clash with the Detroit Lions to OT, although they’d soon regret it. When the captains met at midfield, referee Phil Luckett asked Jerome Bettis to call the toss. As the coin was in the air, Bettis started to call heads, but changed it to tails (“hea-tails”). Luckett ruled that Bettis had called heads and, upon the coin landing tails up, awarded the toss to the Lions. A befuddled Bettis insisted he called tails, though Luckett justified his decision by saying the rules state refs have to go with the team’s first call, in this case “hea-.” It was a clusterfuck, made worse for Pittsburgh because Detroit got first possession in OT, then promptly scored the game-winning FG. After the season, the NFL changed the rules so players clearly make a call before the toss. By the way, this was the first of many controversies Luckett was involved in.

3. LONGLEY’S 15 MINUTES OF FAME

Many people call Clint Longley a one-hit wonder, and for good reason. He only did one good thing while in the NFL. It also happened to be one of the greatest Thanksgiving moments ever. Longley was the Dallas Cowboys’ rookie backup QB during their 1974 Turkey Day duel with the Washington Redskins. Trailing 16-3 in the 3rd quarter, the Cowboys lost their star (and target of a Redskins bounty) Roger Staubach due to injury. In came Longley, who incredibly began a remarkable rally. He threw a 35-yard TD strike to Billy Joe DuPree and led a 70-yard drive to give Dallas a 17-16 lead. Washington pulled back ahead 23-17 in the 4th quarter and, with the Cowboys at midfield with 28 seconds left, looked like surefire winners. But Longley unleashed a 50-yard bomb to Drew Pearson to complete the 24-23 comeback win. Longley would never have to buy a drink in Dallas again… until he sucker-punched Staubach two years later and got traded. See, Longley’s clearly not just a one-hit wonder; he’s a two-hit wonder!

2. THE BUTT FUMBLE

Words cannot properly describe this play’s magnificence. Everything about the Butt Fumble was perfect. 2012 was the first time the third and final game on the NFL’s Thanksgiving state was broadcast on prime time TV. It featured one of the league’s hottest rivalries in the Patriots and Jets. It resulted in something we had never seen before and probably won’t see again. You all know what happened — Mark Sanchez turned the wrong way on a handoff, ran to the line of scrimmage, tripped, collided with Brandon Moore’s ass, fumbled the ball for a New England TD, and spawned a million memes which continue to multiply to this day. It was also in the middle of a 52-second span in which New York gave up three TDs. The Jets actually had possession for 12 minutes of the 2nd quarter, yet were outscored 35-3. The Butt Fumble was the beginning of the end of the Sanchize era and a metaphor for the Jets as a whole. So why is this moment only No. 2 on the list (apart from me making a shitty joke)? What could possibly top this?

1. LEON LETT

Leon Lett was a fine DT who earned two Pro Bowl nods and won three Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. But he’s known for two particular plays, the first coming at the end of one of those title games when Don Beebe knocked the ball out Lett’s hands just before the end zone. The second came in 1993, during Dallas’ unexpectedly snowy Thanksgiving game against the Miami Dolphins. With 15 seconds left and the Cowboys up 14-13, the Dolphins’ FG attempt was blocked by Jimmie Jones. The ball came to rest nearby, with a dead ball and Dallas possession about to be whistled. However, Lett inexplicably went after the ball, slipping in the process and knocking the ball forward. Miami recovered the now technically muffed kick and got another chance, which they converted for a 16-14 win. Had Lett done nothing, the Cowboys would’ve win. In a twist of fate, the 9-2 Dolphins lost the rest of their games and didn’t make the playoffs, while the 7-4 Cowboys went on to win the Super Bowl. Lett’s embarrassment can slide.

Speaking of ungodly, utter fucking embarrassments…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

A timeline of my actions and feelings during the Raiders-Jets game, quarter by quarter:

1st Quarter.

2nd Quarter.

3rd Quarter.

4th Quarter.

I’m not going to bitch about the fucking horrendous roughing the passer penalty which led to a New York TD, or literally every Oakland WR dipping their gloves in butter before the game, or our defense apparently forgetting to gameplan for LeVeon Bell and making Sam Darnold look like Lamar Jackson. To quote Steve Kerr after the Golden State Warriors’ 48-point loss to the Dallas Mavericks last week, “Flush it down the toilet. Literally just move on. You don’t take anything from a game like this.”

Let’s just say I’m not thrilled about our chances heading into Kansas City for an AFC West supremacy battle with the Chiefs.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Vita Vea’s full name is: Tevita Tuli’aki’ono Tuipulotu Mosese Va’hae Fehoko Faletau Vea. That’s 52 letters (twice as many as there are in the alphabet) and three apostrophes. You’ll never guess where Vea is from. Yep, it’s Milpitas.

As for another notable Bay Area name…

Frank Gore is the fucking man. Somehow perennially underrated and eternally ageless, it seems Gore is finally getting recognized for his HOF-caliber career. Just ask his peers. Also, he’s an incredibly humble man and awesome teammate. 

I wonder where Gore ranks all-time among the NFL’s best RBs?

ALL-TIME IDIOTS

Because it’s their 100th season, the NFL is doing a whole bunch of century-themed things. They’ve scheduled certain games for prime time to highlight historic rivalries and Super Bowl rematches and created various “Top 100” lists on everything from plays to games to game changers to characters. Perhaps their biggest endeavor is creating the NFL All-Time Team (similar to what they did with their 75th Anniversary Team and the All-Decade Teams), a 100-man roster and 10-man coaching staff honoring the best to ever represent the NFL. 

To whittle down the massive list of players, the NFL put together a 26-man committee comprised of a who’s who of players, coaches, executives, and media members. Since early 2018, they’ve researched, put together reports, debated, and eventually agreed upon the final list. These are the absolute experts in the field of football with hundreds of years combined experience who’ve done their due diligence on a pretty much impossible task. However, morons will instantly see their results and say those experts are obviously wrong and should feel bad.

Anyway, let’s get into how they got it wrong.

We won’t know the full team until after Christmas, but positions are being revealed on a weekly basis (all hell will break loose when the ten QBs are chosen). The DL and LB corps will be known tomorrow, but if it’s anything like the RBs who’ve made the list, there will be some major debate, and deservedly so. 

The 12 RBs on the All-Time team are: Jim Brown (unanimous selection), Earl Campbell, Dutch Clark, Eric Dickerson, Lenny Moore, Marion Motley, Walter Payton (unanimous selection), Barry Sanders, Gale Sayers, O.J. Simpson, Emmitt Smith, and Steve Van Buren.

Before I dive into my major problem with the list, let’s talk about the unanimous selections. Brown and Payton are unquestionably among the greatest RBs of all time and deserve the unanimous honor. But how are they the only two? While everyone’s choice for greatest RB of all time is subjective, how can you honestly believe that BARRY FUCKING SANDERS is not among the 12 best RBs in history? That completely baffles me. Sanders is arguably the best to ever do it. For him to not be unanimously among the Top 12 is mind fucking bottling. Further more, how is the NFL’s all-time leading rusher not a unanimous selection? I personally believe Smith was partially carried by that great Dallas Cowboys offensive line, but if you’re putting together an All-Time team, how does the rushing king not a unanimous pick? It’s fucking ridiculous.

But the real controversy comes, naturally, from who didn’t make the list. If you look closely, you’ll notice there’s a notable generation not represented. No RBs who played their best years in the 21st century made the cut. In fact, the only RB on the All-Time team who even played in the 2000s was the past-his-prime Smith. I get that it’s somewhat too soon to have true historical context for the guys who recently retired (or are still playing), but come on. Three such guys were among the finalists for the All-Time team. It’s egregious that not one of them got in.

LaDainian Tomlinson: This is the most inexcusable snub to me. No AFC West opponent has ever put more fear into my heart as an Oakland Raiders fan than L.T. Tomlinson was not just a dominant runner, but an incredibly versatile football player. A Top 10 member of both the rushing and all-purpose yards lists and Top 3 member of both the rushing and non-passing TD lists, L.T. could simply do it all (he even threw for 7 TDs). Tomlinson also still holds the single-season records for rushing TDs (28) and TDs from scrimmage (31). But nah, not Top 12 worthy.

Marshall Faulk: Another RB in the Top 10 all-time in all-purpose yards, all-purpose TDs, and rushing TDs (he’s No. 12 in rushing yards), Faulk was one of the most fluid yet explosive runners you’ll ever see. Like Tomlinson, Faulk was a versatile weapon who could do everything through the air and on the ground. Arguably the most important piece of the Greatest Show on Turf, Faulk broke records and did things to defenses not seen since the days of Sanders and Payton. If you can believe it, this exclusion from the All-Time Team isn’t the biggest snub of Faulk’s career.

Adrian Peterson: I get that Peterson is still playing (and is past his prime), which might’ve had a hand in the voting. But what A.P. has done in his career is nothing short of dominant. Peterson is Top 5 all-time in rushing TDs and Top 6 in rushing yards (likely improving his position in both by the end of his career). He holds the single-game rushing record (296 yards) and came nine yards short of Dickerson’s single-season rushing record in 2012. Maybe the whole child assault thing rested on the minds of the voters. But then again, O.J. Simpson is on the All-Time Team.

I believe these three were snubbed for two reasons. It’s tough to compare players from drastically different eras, especially given advancements in technology, training, and the game itself. Pro football was also far from a profession back in the day. Let’s just say today’s multi-millionaire athletes don’t have to take a job as an ice block delivery man, like fellow All-Time Team finalist and last week’s #ThrowbackThursday subject, Red Grange, did. The selection committee didn’t want to sell the older eras short, which I understand. Members of the Top 12 like Van Buren (arguably the best RB ever before Brown), Motley (who broke the NFL’s color barrier), Moore (an absolutely fantastic runner), and Clark (an inaugural member of both the CFB and pro football HOF) deserve their recognition. But the panel went too far and cut off their nose to spite their face, helping out one generation while excluding another.

So why did the NFL shun the 21st century? You don’t need me to tell you the NFL has become quite concentrated on passing in recent years. It’s all about the QB today, compared to the more physical days of old where breathing on the passer wasn’t a 15-yard penalty. But to ignore essentially half of the offense in the most offensive-happy ere of football is outrageous. If anything, it should be players in the passing game who should have somewhat of an asterisk put by their stats (not that I’m saying it would be deserved) and the running game have their efforts highlighted. Unfortunately, it seems the panel did the exact opposite.

Now that I’ve written my piece, what would I change about the All-Time RB corps? 25% of it, to be specific. I have no problem with the selections of Payton, Brown, Sanders, Smith, Campbell, Sayers, Simpson, Dickerson, and Van Buren. I would swap Moore out in favor of Tomlinson in a heartbeat. I would also take out Clark and Motley, but who they’d be replaced with is a bit unclear. I’ve made my cases for Faulk and Peterson, but they have competition from another All-Time Team snub: Marcus Allen. Thankfully I limited my complaints to the 21st century RBs. If I would’ve written about Allen’s non-inclusion, the collective bitching would make this segment twice as long. Of the three RBs in contention, I’d give the two spots to Allen and — in a close decision — Peterson. Sorry, Marshall. You still don’t get in either way.

By the way, it’s a crime this next RB didn’t even get a nod as a finalist.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 28, 1929, Ernie Nevers was unstoppable. Then again, Nevers seemingly always was unstoppable. “Big Dog” was one of the greatest football players of the first half of the 20th century, but was an all-around tremendous athlete. In addition to football, he played basketball, baseball, and track and field while at Stanford and pitched for three seasons for the St. Louis Browns (the precursor to the Baltimore Orioles). On the football field, he was a triple threat known for his passing, running, and kicking skills. After his first NFL team, the Duluth Eskimos, folded, Nevers joined the Chicago Cardinals in 1929, putting up a November to remember. On Nov. 6, Nevers threw for a TD, ran for a TD, and kicked a FG in a 16-0 win over the Providence Steam Roller in the first night game in NFL history. On the 24th, Nevers scored all 19 of the Cardinals’ points (three TDs and an extra point) in a 19-0 victory over the Dayton Triangles. But it was four days later when he left his mark on NFL history, one that still remains. 90 years ago today, in a Thanksgiving Day all-Chicago duel against the Bears, Nevers set an NFL record for most points scored by a player in a single game. Nevers scored six rushing TDs and kicked four extra points, accounting for all 40 of the Cardinals’ points in their 40-6 win. It’s tough to imagine any team relying heavily on one player and that player delivering to the fullest extent. It’s like playoff LeBron James on the Cleveland Cavaliers, if he also coached the team (which Nevers did starting in 1930). Nevers, like last week’s #ThrowbackThursday star Red Grange, is one of the handful of players to be part of both the inaugural classes of the CFB HOF and Pro Football HOF. It’s a well-deserved honor worth all of the points in the world.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1990 — Margaret Thatcher resigns as leader of the Conservative Party and, therefore, British Prime Minister, a title she held longer than anyone else in the 20th century.
• 1967 — The first pulsar is discovered by two astronomers Jocelyn Bell Burnell and Antony Hewish.
• 1964 — NASA launches the Mariner 4 probe, which would perform the first successful flyby of Mars.
• 1958 — The first successful flight of SM-65 Atlas, the first operational intercontinental ballistic missile, takes place.
• 1943 — The famous Tehran Conference between the “Big Three” of President Franklin Roosevelt, Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Premier Joseph Stalin begins.
• 1925 — The Grand Ole Opry begins broadcasting in Nashville as the WSM Barn Dance.
• 1895 — Frank Duryea wins the first ever American automobile race, which takes place over the 54 miles from Chicago’s Jackson Park to Evanston, Illinois.
• 1814 — The Times becomes the first newspaper to be produced on a steam-powered printing press.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1987 — Karen Gillan, actress best known as Amy Pond in Doctor Who and Nebula in the Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers movies.
• 1962 — Jon Stewart, comedian/actor/TV host best known for hosting The Daily Show.
• 1961 — Alfonso Cuarón, Academy Award-winning Director best known for Gravity, Roma, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
• 1950 — Ed Harris, acclaimed actor best known as John Glenn in The Right Stuff, Flight Director Gene Kranz in Apollo 13, Christof in The Truman Show, Jackson Pollock in Pollock, old Richie Brown in The Hours, and Dave Moss in Glengarry Glen Ross.
• 1949 — Paul Shaffer, singer/composer who served as David Letterman’s band leader/sidekick for his entire 33-year late night TV run.

DEATHS:

• 2010 — Leslie Nielsen, legendary actor/comedian best known as Commander John Adams in Forbidden Planet, Dr. Rumack in Airplane!, Detective Frank Drebin in Police Squad! and The Naked Gun film series,
• 1945 — Dwight Davis, tennis player/Secretary of War (weirdest combo of job titles ever) who founded the Davis Cup international tennis tournament.
• 1939 — James Naismith, the inventor of basketball.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National French Toast Day! There are some funny alternative names for French toast, like 

eggy bread, Bombay toast, German toast, gypsy toast, poor knights (of Windsor), pain perdu, torrija, and Arme Riddere. But the weirdest variation has to come from Hong Kong. There, it’s essentially a PB&J sandwich dipped in beaten eggs and deep fried. It’s like a Monte Cristo without ham and cheese. I might have to try it on my upcoming trip to Hong Kong.

Just kidding, Dad. Don’t have a heart attack. I’m not actually going to Hong Kong… or am I?

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

FARMERS TEST VIRTUAL REALITY GOGGLES ON COWS

MOSCOW, Russia — If you walked onto the RusMoloko dairy farm near Moscow, in Russia, you may think you’ve arrived onto a bizarre futuristic film set, where cows run around fitted with VR headsets.

The VR goggles aren’t props for a film, however. They have been specifically made for these dairy cows, so as to improve their conditions and enable them to relax into producing more milk.

Many different industries around the world are turning more and more toward computerization to improve working conditions, so why not the farming industry too?

These headsets were carefully designed by combining years of experience in the dairy farming industry, as well as technology.

The pressing issue of milk production led to experts from the IT world, as well as industry leaders in milk production to work together to find a solution.

This solution was VR goggles.

READ MORE

I can’t even muster a joke for this one, because this shit just writes itself. Upset about this paragraph not being funnier? Don’t have a cow, man.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-6) VS. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-7)

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: the fact that a team whose roster is literally unchangeable is a hair away from the playoffs is fucking ridiculous. But there C’s Champion Team is. While a win won’t get Chriss in on its own, no other upsets will likely ensure it. For Footballdamus, it’s just that simple: win and they’re in. Riez might seem the favorite for Chriss’ lineup issues, but his own roster has been inconsistent. Josh Allen, perhaps Riez’s best player in recent weeks, faces a huge test in the Cowboys defense, while Jarvis Landry takes on a Steelers defense that’ll be looking for revenge after the Miles Garrett fiasco. Leonard Fournette and Todd Gurley haven’t exactly been locks for big points, but their opponents’ defenses are made of paper. As far as Gurley’s game is concerned, Kyler Murray and David Johnson might have something to say about the final score, as long as Chriss’ own Rams defense doesn’t get in the way. Chriss might need big games from Julio Jones, Tyler Lockett, and Derrick Henry to pull off the win. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (5-7) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (4-8)

Three Eyed Ravens can also clinch a playoff spot with a win, though their superstar may actually hit a roadblock this week. Lamar Jackson is facing the 49ers in a potential Super Bowl preview. While San Francisco’s defense has shown a weakness against mobile QBs, they did make Aaron Rodgers eat dirt last week. If Jackson doesn’t put up godly numbers, the rest of the lineup — John Brown, James White, Greg Olsen, Jordan Howard, etc. — will have to step up. That’s a frightening reality for Ewing, especially since his nice pickup, Jonathan Williams, is up against his own Titans defense. Ewing is also facing a desperate and somehow still alive Jop Suey!!!, who needs to win to have a shot at making the playoffs. Two games today will be key to Taylor’s chances. The Bills defense must to take a page out of the Patriots’ book and slow down the Cowboys, while Drew Brees and Michael Thomas must do much better against the Falcons than they did a few weeks ago. By the time Thanksgiving is over, Taylor will likely know where his season stands.

49ERS (10-2) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-7)

Beyond the usual shit talking between Gee and Jimmy, this matchup may see the biggest impact on the playoff picture. 49ers can clinch the No. 1 seed with a win, but a loss could leave the door open for Good Home COOKin and rearrange the favorites on either side of the bracket. Such a result means Gruden Grinders gets in the postseason, while a loss means another team could slide in at their expense. Fortunately for Jimmy, Aaron Rodgers, Davante Adams, and Aaron Jones should bounce back against the terrible Giants, which should make up for an expected lack of production from Josh Jacobs and Darren Waller against the Chiefs. But remember that pissed off Steelers defense? That’s in Jimmy’s lineup, and tasked with slowing down Gee’s Nick Chubb. The Jaguars defense can either be awful or amazing, as can Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin. That matchup could be the key to Gee’s success this week. That’s if Hunter Henry and Keenan Allen, as well as the Panthers defense, don’t trip up against bad competition.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (9-3) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (6-6)

While surprising, the lowest-scoring team making the playoffs would be typical fantasy football. Dixie Normous can do just that with a win, although doing so ironically would probably mean they won’t be the lowest-scoring team anymore (thank Chriss). Key to Nick’s chances is Jimmy G on the other side of that fascinating showdown with the Ravens, as is Devin Singletary and Dawson Knox’s efforts against the Cowboys. Stefon Diggs and LeVeon Bell also have to show up against vulnerable defenses. In addition, Nick’s Texans defense has to shut down the Patriots, which, while easier than ever this year, still isn’t easy. As far as the reverse of that matchup, I’m not too hopeful for Deshaun Watson’s chances against arguably the best defense in football. Fortunately for Orchids of Asia, Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore should shred the Redskins defense. George Kittle will likely be Jimmy G’s best target, but he is facing my Ravens defense. Honestly I have no idea who will in, but I don’t want to start the defense facing Lamar Jackson.

GOOD HOME COOKIN (9-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-9)

Whie Good Home COOKin could snag the No. 1 seed, the Krispy Kritters might be playing for something more valuable. As someone who’s had a terrible season and finished second to last in the standings, I can say it’s much better than being at the bottom. With a win or with a productive day, Richard can avoid that inglorious honor. It starts today, with Richard rooting for a Bears-Lions shootout that includes plenty of Kenny Golladay and Allen Robinson. A similar high-scoring game will need to break out between the Texans and Patriots, with Sony Michel and Carlos Hyde (not DeAndre Hopkins) being the beneficiaries. Russell Wilson will also need to play like he did in the first half of the season. Unfortunately for Richard, he’ll have to root against Dak Prescott, who Kyle hopes will be able to beat the tough Bills defense. Kyle’s Eagles defense should have a field day against the woeful Dolphins, but Mark Ingram may struggle against the 49ers defense. For Kyle, anything Mike Evans does against Richard’s Jaguars defense will be a bonus. 

DARTH RAIDER (7-5) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-9)

Tradition is key to a holiday like Thanksgiving. But many of the traditional Turkey Day side dishes are terrible! Literally no one eats green bean casserole, candied yams, or sweet potatoes outside of Thanksgiving, because they’re disgusting. I know my food tastes aren’t exactly in line with the average person (although I fuck with some stuffing and cranberry sauce), but there’s always stigma towards anything that’s not strictly by the book. It’s time to throw the book out. As long as turkey and/or ham is incorporated, who cares what you eat? There are way too many diverse cultures and cuisine across America to limit people from putting their own spin on food. Put some teriyaki sauce on some turkey, set up a plate of honeybaked ham tacos with a side of salsa, and put some traditional meat and cranberry sauce as options on a charcuterie board. I’m a holiday food radical. Let the next generation put a spin on tradition. As long as you’ve got friends and family with you, who cares what you eat?

ONE LAST THING

Here’s the announcement you’ve been waiting for: yesterday was my last day on the FOX40 Morning Show. I’m not leaving the station, though. I’ll be going back to the nightside shift, mainly to produce our brand new 7 p.m. newscast, which will debut on Wednesday. I’ll be doing that Monday-Thursday, while also producing the 10 p.m. show on Sundays. So not only am I not working a graveyard shift anymore, I’ve also got Fridays and Saturdays off. 

Don’t get me wrong — starting work at 11 p.m. and sleeping through the day for the past year and a half has fucking sucked. But the hours were honestly the only big bad thing about working for the Morning Show. The people are (for the most part) cool, especially the group of producers I’ve worked with. They’re good people and chill as hell, so if you can watch the show, do it for them. I’ve also had many memorable experiences on the show, from putting together fun segments like the holiday-themed stuff and our Women’s World Cup coverage to covering crazy stories like the Camp Fire and the impeachment hearings to getting on TV myself after the 2018 World Series and before the MLS announcement. I’ve also gotten to meet Colin Mochrie and talk to people like Dak Prescott, Jerry Jones, Jada Pinkett Smith, and a bunch of soccer people. I also like the style of morning news better. We can be playful and funny and no one gives a shit. It’s awesome!

The Morning Show was also my first position where I was producing every single day, which was huge in developing my skills and experience. In addition to the repetition of doing a show every day and chances to try out new things, the unpredictability of morning news put me in situations I never could’ve imagined. In just a year and a half, I’ve had the power go out while on air, saw every single reporter hit from my show disappear, cover a live press conference that stretched from the end of one hour to the beginning of another, lost interviews and live shots moments before going to them, and even been physically unable to broadcast my show for 12 minutes due to a bizarre technical issue. Take yesterday for example. We unexpectedly got a third reporter for the early shows, then found out only three hours in advance that I’d be producing a different hour, which included an unfinished segment I had no information for and knew nothing about. I got through it, and I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way in the booth. All thanks to the Morning Show.

While I’m grateful for the lessons learned, experiences gained, and friendships made while working dark and early, I’m fucking excited to go back to a normal sleep schedule and have a normal social life. Of course, that would require me to have a social life in the first place, and I’m not exactly normal to begin with.

The Morning Show also introduced me to bagels, which are delicious. Now that I think about it, this is probably the most important thing that happened.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Newest Member, Non-Graveyard Shift Workers of America