It’s time, boys. No one plays for Weeks 1-13. It’s all about what goes down Weeks 14-16 that really matters. Over the next few weeks, the remaining eight teams will be reduced to one champion of 2019. We have favorites, dark horses, and underdogs aplenty. It’s the playoffs, so anything can happen.
The No. 1 seed going into the postseason also probably had this day circled for a whole different reasons. Today, in 1901, saw the birth of a man who would change Gee’s life, and billions of others, forever: Walt Disney. The creator and namesake of the largest, most impactful media company in the world would be 118 years old today. While the man himself may have received some (somewhat justified) criticism for his views, let’s celebrate the works that he created and have had a huge influence on many lives.
It’s time to get Disney in this bitch.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
GRUDEN GRINDERS (6-7) DEF. 49ERS (10-3)
117.32 – 78.52
Well, that’s how you make a statement heading into the playoffs! Gruden Grinders stunningly put the wood to the top-seeded 49ers and punched their ticket to the playoffs. Aaron Rodgers (28 points) and Davante Adams (18 points) slaughtered the Giants defense, while the Steelers defense (13 points) feasted on the disappointing Browns. Throw in a nice day from Jake Elliott (13 points) and the only two mildly productive Raiders (Josh Jacobs and Darren Waller) each finishing in double digits, and Jimmy made a hell of a statement. It didn’t hurt that Gee’s lineup largely disappointed. Put it this way: a mediocre Ezekiel Elliott (13 points) was Gee’s highest scorered. Guys like Nick Chubb, Alvin Kamara, Joe Schobert, and Hunter Henry ranged from okay to awful. Though Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin can be deadly when on their game, they definitely didn’t have their shit together in this case. While Gee’s stumble didn’t knock him from his perch (barely), he’d better hope this isn’t a sign of things to come in the playoffs.
JOP SUEY!!! (5-8) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-8)
118.36 – 104.62
Between the Raiders’ awful results and Jop Suey!!! coming oh so close to somehow making the playoffs, Taylor’s gotta be done for a while. Taylor need to win and score plenty, which he did. I predicted Drew Brees and Michael Thomas’ performance would be an indicator of Taylor’s success. But (shocker) I was wrong. While the two Saints were disappointments, the rest of Taylor’s lineup played well, with Alshon Jeffery (19 points), Miles Sanders (16 points) and Tyler Higbee (16 points) having particularly strong days. The problem: the final thing Taylor needed to get into the postseason was a slow day from Three Eyed Ravens. While Tyler’s guys couldn’t win the battle, they did win the war, putting up enough points to get the final playoff spot due to the points tie breaker. Ewing can thank James White (29 points) and the Titans defense (20 points) for finally providing some support for Lamar Jackson (22 points), because everyone else sucked. Ewing will have to hope for a more balanced supporting cast in the playoffs.
FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-6) DEF. C’S CHAMPION TEAM (5-8)
107.64 – 73.42
Don’t take this the wrong way, Chriss, but I really didn’t want you to make the playoffs. It wasn’t anything to do with you or anything. It’s just that it would’ve looked terrible for the league to have a team whose lineup was autodrafted and unchangeable get into the postseason. The sad thing is, C’s Champion Team could’ve gone a long way had the roster been able to be tweaked. Kyler Murray (14 points) was the surprise of the season, while the Rams defense (18 points) and Derrick Henry (20 points) became nice contributors. Unfortunately, the injury to Kerryon Johnson and the inconsistency of guys like Julio Jones and David Johnson were Chriss’ downfall, as they were this past weekend. This was all good news for Footballdamus, which solidly punched its postseason ticket thanks to Josh Allen (23 points) and his ass whooping of the Cowboys, as well as strong days from Todd Gurley (17 points) and the Saints defense (16 points). Now, the team I said didn’t deserve to make the playoffs is in the playoffs. Thanks for making me look dumb, Riez!
ORCHIDS OF ASIA (10-3) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (6-7)
104.36 – 71.80
In what may be an unfortunate preview of what’s to come (more on that later) Orchids of Asia had to deal with a (shocking) low-scoring effort from Christian McCaffrey. Turns out, I was alright. McCaffrey’s Panthers teammate, D.J. Moore (13 points) did well enough, and I also got a nice day from Julian Edelman (15 points). Of course, Deshaun Watson (27 points) as the star of the show, highlighting a top-heavy lineup that somehow found a way to win. This was probably due to the fact I was playing the lowest scoring team in the league. The only player to do objectively stellar was Devin Singletary (16 points). Pretty much every other spot in Nick’s lineup, including Jimmy G and Stefon Diggs, put forth a putrid effort. That being said, this was still one of only two matchups of the week between two teams that would make the playoffs. Somehow, the team that put up fewer points than anyone is getting a shot at the championship. Just how far Nick will go remains to be seen, but Nick will definitely need to channel his inner Jimmy G and score big.
GOOD HOME COOKIN (10-3) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-10)
87.24 – 81.20
Of all of the crazy results this week, this one gave us the most blue balls. With a handful of tackles, catches, and dropped balls going the other way, Good Home COOKin either turns over the apple cart or gets tipped over themselves. Kyle had a surprisingly poor day, with Dak Prescott (23 points) of all people being his only stellar spot in the lineup. But no one else, not even DeAndre Hopkins, Dalvin Cook, or Mark Ingram could really break through. In fact, Kyle did poorly enough to not take advantage of Gee’s slip up, finishing just handful of points short of taking over the top seed in the playoffs. However, Kyle didn’t do poorly enough to lose, which would’ve meant me leapfrogging him for the No. 2 seed. That was primarily due to the fact that Kyle was playing Richard and his band of misfits. The Krispy Kritters lived up to their billing, with only three players — Russell Wilson (17 points), Kenny Golladay (21 points), and Allen Robinson (14 points) — finishing in double digits. But at least they aren’t the worst team in the league.
DARTH RAIDER (8-5) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-10)
114.68 – 106.10
That honor now officially goes to Sleeping Giants, despite a spirited effort against Darth Raider. Pat Mahomes, Dad’s beloved first pick, had a good day with 19 points, while David Montgomery (14 points) and Darius Leonard (13 points) had good contributions as well. But Arik was still ahead going into Monday Night thanks to an overall solid effort from his lineup, highlighted by 17-point showings from Robert Woods and Will Lutz. But the fate of this matchup came down to the Seahawks running game. Chris Carson (16 points) recovered from an early injury to due well enough. But incredibly, Rashaad Penny (22 points) balled the hell out, keeping Dad in the game until the very end. Dad wound up one decently long score away from not finishing at the bottom of the standings. Unfortunately, the Dominguez family name now has that stain upon it. As for Arik, he remains in control of one of the two hottest teams in the entire league, heading into the playoffs on a six-game winning streak. He’ll need some good luck to pump that number up.
STANDINGS
FINAL GIFT CARD STANDINGS:
- 49ers (10-3)*
- Good Home COOKin (10-3)*
- Orchids of Asia (10-3)*
- Darth Raider (8-5)*
- Foodballdamus (7-6)*
- Gruden Grinders (6-7)*
- Dixie Normous (6-7)*
- Three Eyed Ravens (5-8)*
- Jop Suey!!! (5-8)e
- C’s Champion Team (5-8)e
- The Krispy Kritters (3-10)e
- Sleeping Giants (3-10)e
* – clinched playoff spot
e – eliminated
Well would you look at that, a three-way tie for 1st! Crazy how that turned out. Fortunately for Gee and Kyle, I am a benevolent soul who will bestow wings upon both of them. As for the other side of the coin, I’m ashamed to share the same genes as the person who finished in last place. Not even a spirited Monday Night rally could save Dad. What a disappointment.
FINAL FREE BEER STANDINGS:
- 49ers (1507.18)
- Good Home COOKin (1505.84)
- Orchids of Asia (1484.16)
- Darth Raider (1372.58)
- Three Eyed Ravens (1328.24)
- Gruden Grinders (1287.48)
- Jop Suey!!! (1277.58)
- Footballdamus (1224.58)
- The Krispy Kritters (1217.60)
- Sleeping Giants (1180.60)
- C’s Champion Team (1128.74)
- Dixie Normous (1117.16)
Gee, the guy who doesn’t drink, also gets the spoils of beer. If you’ve been following the group texts, we should never give Gee any sort of power. Idk what he’s gonna do with his prize of beer, but it can’t be good.
IN MEMORIAM
C’S CHAMPION TEAM (CHRISS)
C’s Champion Team’s problems began even before the draft started. Minutes before he was on the clock, Chriss told me he couldn’t get into the draft — he had somehow been logged out of his account. For whatever reason, even though (as the youngest member of the league) he should be the best with technology, Chriss was never able to come up with an answer or even give much of a shit to change it. So, Chriss ended up rolling with his autodrafted team, which included Kyler Murray. While Murray, along with guys like Derrick Henry and Kerryon Johnson, proved to be surprisingly productive, the problems of not being able to change his lineup soon became apparent for Chriss. Apart from bye weeks, Johnson and Julio Jones got hurt, Tyler Lockett and David Johnson were inconsistent, and Carson Wentz and Marvin Jones Jr. were left to rot on the bench all year. It’s kind of amazing Chriss ended up just one win out of a playoff spot, given he essentially let it ride all year. But in the end, it was a wasted season from the beginning. .
JOP SUEY!!! (TAYLOR)
I wonder which scenario Jop Suey!!! would prefer, losing damn near every game in mostly close calls or come within a handful of points from the playoffs in heartbreaking fashion? What if Taylor also started out as one of the best teams in the league? At 4-1, Taylor was tied for second place and an envy of other teams. But his week 5 win came days before a series of trades which ultimately doomed the season. Among the guys Taylor traded away: Aaron Rodgers, Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, and James White. Those productive players garnered a return consisting of Joe Mixon, Sammy Watkins, Tyrell Williams, Adrian Peterson, Tyler Boyd, and Devonta Freeman. It’s not exactly a ringing endorsement of your trade skills when Josh Allen is clearly your best snag, especially considering Rodgers was among the players given up. What happened afterwards? Taylor went on a seven-game losing streak, with a spirited win to end the season not enough to salvage a postseason appearance. It’s like the 2014 Oakland A’s all again for Taylor.
THE BELLES OF BALL
After more than four months, we’ve eliminated a third of the league. Over the weekend, four more teams will bite the dust in the quest for ultimate fantasy football glory. Of the final eight contenders, some proved to be capable throughout the year, some righted the ship after a rough start to finish solid seasons, and some got in just because they weren’t as shitty as those who failed to make the playoffs. But everyone left each has a 12.5% chance of winning it all.
So let’s run down the teams still standing and draw comparisons to what everyone thinks is the most appropriate group of Disney characters, especially given the fact that we’re battling for the crown of fantasy football.
1. 49ERS
No, I didn’t make 49ers Mulan because Gee is Asian. I did so because Mulan is objectively the best Disney princess. She’s an incredibly skilled fighter who has literally fought in a war, and is quite resourceful at that. Gee, despite his recent loss, commands objectively the best and deepest team in the league, as proven by who finished atop the points standings. Having shown the fierceness of a coursing river and the strength of a great typhoon, Gee’s lineup will make a man out of anyone and prove to be the toughest out of anyone gunning for the trophy.
2. GOOD HOME COOKIN
While not as consistent as the No. 1 seed, Good Home COOKin might be the most powerful team when they’re firing on all cylinders. When Kyle really winds up, he can deliver a blow that will shatter anyone in his path. Elsa is objectively the most powerful princess, seeing as she literally has superpowers strong enough to create a goddamn castle made of ice when she feels like it. But when Elsa’s spirit breaks, that ice can crack, as Kyle did a surprising amount of times to end the season. That being said, good fucking luck trying to put a dent in Kyle’s team.
3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA
It’s kind of odd how much Orchids of Asia and Rapunzel are similar. Throughout Tangled, we see this apparent damsel in distress manage to fight and think her way past tough situations, albeit often accidentally. When looking at my lineup, there are two guys two strike terror into opponents. But as a whole, my roster looks kind of “meh” on paper. Still, it’s proven to be greater than the sum of its parts, evidenced by the fact I somehow kept on winning as the season went on. Seeing as I fell ass backwards into the Epic Bowl last year, I’m surprised I still have any karma left over.
4. DARTH RAIDER
Darth Raider, like the red-headed Merida of Brave fame, is unique among the group. Where his princess counterpart has no love interest and is contained to one Pixar movie, Arik is the newest member of the group and the only one whose playoff spot was solidified relatively early. When Arik’s team is firing on all cylinders, he can fight with anyone, much like Merida has similar combat skills to Mulan, particularly with the bow and arrow. But, similar to how Merida’s mistakes led to her mom getting turned into a bear, when Arik’s team is off, it’s unbearable to watch.
5. FOOTBALLDAMUS
So what exactly is Footballdamus heading into the playoffs? Are Riez’s guys going to keep winning like they did to start and end the season, are will they play terrible like they did during their terrible mid-season stretch that almost doomed them? It’s like which is the real Tiana, the proud, hard-working waitress who only dreams of success, or the frog-kissed princess who gets to wear the crown? Riez just has to hope his lineup can become the prince of his dreams, or else he’ll end up spending the whole offseason getting used to being an amphibian..
6. GRUDEN GRINDERS
When Gruden Grinders was last in the standings, Jimmy didn’t panic. He got clever. By making the aforementioned trade rapes on Taylor, Jimmy positioned his team to make a late season rally and make the playoffs. Belle, while not exactly as powerful as Mulan or Elsa, might just be the smartest princess of them all. She traded herself for her dad, which ended up in the Beast’s curse being lifted and her becoming royalty. Also, Belle is quite possibly the hottest of all the Disney princesses, much like Jimmy might have the most dangerous team in the postseason.
7. DIXIE NORMOUS
Honestly, besides sing nature songs and fawn over a random white boy so hard that she stops her dad from possibly putting an end to the invaders who would cause her people’s genocide, what exactly does Pocahontas do? Nothing. Yet somehow, she’s a beloved princess whose contributions to Disney are nothing more than a banger song about the colors of the wind. It’s like Dixie Normous scoring the fewest points out of anyone, yet somehow making the playoffs. Sure, Nick can only beat the guys in front of him. But he’s got a tough task to make any more progress.
8. THREE EYED RAVENS
If you think about it, Ariel might be the dumbest, saddest princess of the lot. Despite being pretty well off in her underwater kingdom, she trades all of it — including her immaculate voice — all for some guy she saw once. There’s no guarantee she even gets the guy. She just thinks he’s hot, so fuck everything else. As far as Three Eyed Raven’s lineup goes, all that matters is also just one hot guy. Sure, that one guy (much like Ariel’s) ended up saving the day a few times. But Ewing has to have more than just a one-man offense if he wants to go far in the postseason.
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
Well… shit.
It’s not just that we got the shit kicked out of us by an arch rival in a game which basically decided the AFC West. I fully expected Oakland to lose in Kansas City (although I expected the Raiders to at least put up a fight against the Chiefs). It’s the context for everything that happened.
The Raiders have to win out to have a realistic shot at the playoffs. While the next two games are in Oakland, the first one is against a suddenly red hot Tennessee Titans squad threatening for the postseason as well. Then, the Jacksonville Jaguars, going back (maybe) to being a more dangerous team (more on that later), come to town. The final two games are on the road against division rivals, so who the hell knows how this well go. All four of these games must be wins at this point. The Buffalo Bills are taking the first Wild Card spot. The Pittsburgh Steelers are currently in the second spot, with the Titans and Cleveland Browns still in the mix.
There is still a very realistic chance the Raiders make the playoffs. There’s no guarantee the Steelers or Titans can be consistent or the Browns can take advantage of a weak schedule. All of the remaining games for Oakland are winnable. There’s still hope. It’s just… I’d feel a lot more confident in the Raiders have anyone in Silver in Black felt like showing up in Kansas City… or even in New York the week before.
You know what else makes the loss to the Jets even worse?
EARNING THEIR STRIPES
Congrats to the Cincinnati Bengals on getting their first win of the season and avoiding joining the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 2008 Detroit Lions, and 2017 Cleveland Browns in the 0-fer club. I’m much happier for Andy Dalton for anyone else, both for the shit he’s gotten and the fact I didn’t know that he was tied for the franchise passing TD record when he got benched. That’s cold blooded, and I’m glad he actually got the mark. Also, that one Bengals fan can finally come down from the roof of his bar now.
With this happiness for the Bengals comes anger towards the New York Jets, who didn’t even get in the goddamn red zone in Cincinnati. How in the living fuck do you beat the living shit out of a team in playoff contention like the Oakland Raiders? Are the Jets that terrible on the road? We’ve seen already seen this kind of thing this season when the Jets beat the Dallas Cowboys then lose to the then-winless Miami Dolphins soon after. Coincidentally, both the Raiders and Cowboys are a disappointing 6-6. Unlike their Lone Star State counterparts, Oakland doesn’t play in a garbage division and instead has to have one of the best teams in football twice a year.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but fuck the Jets.
STAT OF THE WEEK
“Fuck the Philadelphia Eagles in particular.” — Ryan Fitzpatrick, probably.
Also, doing a stat from this game gives me an excuse to show arguably the coolest play I’ve ever seen, courtesy of the Miami Dolphins special teams squad. Naturally.
CHANGE IN CAROLINA
Can you believe Ron Rivera was on his ninth season in Carolina when he got fired? It doesn’t feel like that much time has passed, but we really have seen the full arc take place for the Panthers. Rivera took over the worst team in the NFL in 2011, gradually transforming them into a consistent playoff contender that even reached the Super Bowl, coming up short in a game that pisses me off to this day. But then seasons passed, players got hurt or got old, and the Panthers became mediocre. As a supporter of Rivera (Hispanics gotta stick together), I still think he’s a good coach and will get hired somewhere as either a coach or coordinator next year (MIKE MAYOCK PLEASE MAKE HIM THE RAIDERS’ DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR PLEASE!!!). But for all parties involved, it was time to move on. For better or worse, Rivera’s time was up. This may also be the case with the QB he drafted before his first season in Carolina.
Cam Newton has always been an… interesting player. Success and controversies in college were followed by success and controversies in the NFL. It’s weird to think Newton, only 30 years old, may already be past his prime. Injuries sure are a bitch, huh? I remember last season when Newton nearly dragged my team down with him towards the end, only for me to somehow stumble ass backwards into the Epic Bowl. While I don’t think Newton is done as a player by any means, there does come a point where franchises have to move on from their stars. Hell, the Indianapolis Colts moved on from Peyton Manning. Granted, they had a superstar QB who they didn’t know would retire early waiting in the draft. This isn’t the case with Carolina… or is it?
Here me out, because I’m about to propose something slightly radical. I was on the affirmative side of the “should the Panthers trade Newton?” debate until Kyle Allen started playing like utter ass. While a rookie, it’s clear he’s never going to be the answer. Carolina would be dumb to give Newton, a battered yet proven asset, up for mediocrity. So what if something not quite Andrew Luckish but still pretty good is waiting for them. What if the Panthers were the real winners of the “Tank for Tua” sweepstakes? Obviously, it looks like Joe Burrow is going to the Cincinnati Bengals at No. 1 in the draft. Several teams ahead of Carolina, like the New York Giants, Washington Redskins, Atlanta Falcons, Detroit Lions, Arizona Cardinals, Jacksonville Jaguars, and New York Jets, already have their QB of the future. Even teams like the Los Angeles Chargers and Denver Broncos, whose QB situations could be in flux, have too many holes to fill to waste on a 1st round QB. That, of course, leaves the Miami Dolphins, who honestly might get trapped by Ryan Fitzpatrick’s play or pass on Tua for concerns over his injury. That could let him fall right into Carolina’s lap, where he wouldn’t have to worry. The Panthers can afford to give Newton one more year to see where he stands, while letting
Tagovailoa heal up and be ready for year two. By that time, if Newton plays well, Carolina should get a good haul in return while building a team for their new franchise QB to lead into the future. It sounds (and probably is) crazy, but it just might work.
Also, I’m calling Rivera going to Dallas after the Cowboys fire Jason Garrett.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 5, 1937, Ray Buivid made NFL history and set a rookie mark which wouldn’t be matched for another 80 years. “Buzz” Buivid burst onto the scene as the star for Marquette, finishing third in Heisman Trophy voting in 1936 (this was the first time the award had the name, after Heisman’s passing that year) and being named a consensus All-American at HB, despite completing over 50% of his passes at QB as well. Behind Buivid’s excellence, the Golden Avalanche reached the only bowl game in program history, which also happened to be the first ever Cotton Bowl. Despite falling 16-6 to a TCU squad led by future HOF QB Sammy Baugh, Buivid was picked third overall (three picks ahead of Baugh) by the Chicago Bears in the 1937 NFL Draft. Playing primarily as a backup to Bernie Masterson, Buivid only played in six games during his first year. But he made the most of his time during the regular season finale against the rival Chicago Cardinals. After falling behind 14-0, Buivid went to work, throwing two TDs to bring the Bears within one at halftime. The 3rd quarter saw Buivid find the endzone four more times, three as a passer and another as a receiver. The last TD capped a 40-0 Bears run and led to a 42-28 win. In victory, Buivid became the first QB to throw for five TDs (with no INTs) in a single game in NFL history — and he was a rookie! No other rookie QB would have five TD passes and no INTs in a game until Jameis Winston (of all people) did so in 2015. So, why is this the first time you or I are hearing of Buivid? Well, it’s complicated. Buivid struggled mightily in the following week’s NFL Championship Game, muffing a punt late to seal the Bears’ 28-21 defeat to the Washington Redskins, led by Buivid’s old friend Baugh. Buivid attempted just 48 passes in the 1938 season, after which he retired at age 23 to serve as a lieutenant in the Navy in World War II. Many attribute the shortness of Buivid’s career to him being ahead of his time, his style of play being closer to modern QBs. In fact, had Buivid came around a few years later after the introduction of the “T” formation, he would’ve had a longer career and bigger impact. But at least he put up one record and hit a passing milestone before anyone else.
THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2017 — The IOC bans Russia from competing at the 2018 Winter Olympics for doping at the 2014 Games.
- 1992 — Alabama defeats Florida in the first SEC Championship game, the first postseason title game for a NCAA Division I conference.
- 1955 — E. D. Nixon and Rosa Parks lead the Montgomery Bus Boycott.
- 1955 — The American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merge and form the AFL–CIO.
- 1933 — Prohibition is repealed with the passage of the 21st amendment.
- 1848 — President James Polk confirms that large amounts of gold had been discovered in California, increasing the hype of the Gold Rush.
- 1831 — Former President John Quincy Adams takes his seat in the House of Representatives.
- 1776 — Phi Beta Kappa, the first fraternity in U.S. history, is founded at the College of William and Mary.
- 1775 — Henry Knox begins his historic transport of artillery to Cambridge.
- 1492 — Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola (now Haiti and the Dominican Republic). Fuck Christopher Columbus.
BIRTHDAYS:
- 1986 — LeGarrette Blount, two-time Super Bowl champion RB best known for his fists around Boise State.
- 1985 — Frankie Muniz, actor best known as the titular character in Malcolm in the Middle.
- 1947 — Jim Plunkett, Heisman Trophy winner and two-time Super Bowl champion with the Oakland Raiders who is the best QB not in the HOF (which is fucking bullshit).
- 1934 — Joan Didion, iconic essayist whose sister, Genevieve, had a pretty cool middle school named after her.
- 1932 — Little Richard, legendary singer/musician.
- 1782 — Martin Van Buren, 8th President of the U.S.
DEATHS:
- 2013 — Nelson Mandela, anti-apartheid revolutionary/activist, philanthropist, and the first black President of South Africa.
- 2012 — Oscar Niemeyer, iconic architect and key figure in the development of modern architecture.
- 2012 — Dave Brubeck, iconic jazz musician.
- 2010 — “Dandy” Don Meredith, former Cowboys QB and member of the original Monday Night Football broadcast team.
- 1926 — Claude Monet, painter and one of the most acclaimed artist of all time.
- 1870 — Alexandre Dumas, iconic writer whose works include The Count of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers.
HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!
Happy International Ninja Day! This gives me an excuse to show one of my favorite YouTube videos of all time.
THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW
DEER WITH ANTLERS FULL OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS SPARKS HOLIDAY DECOR WARNING
MARIN COUNTY, Calif. — If you share your neighborhood with wildlife, you may want to put extra effort into securing your holiday decorations.
A deer in Northern California accidentally turned its antlers into a holiday display, prompting the Marin Humane animal-welfare group to warns homeowners to take care in how they hang their Christmas lights. The group posted the story to Facebook on Monday.
A resident spotted the buck in San Anselmo with a considerable number of Christmas string lights wrapped around its antlers.
“Catching deer is extremely difficult and catching a buck is even trickier,” Marin Humane explained, saying it would require a control pole to snag the buck, which would expose employees to danger.
The deer is still able to move about and graze. Marin Humane is monitoring the buck but expects it will soon shed its antlers (lights and all), a natural process that occurs in winter..
Talk about a deer in headlights, am I right?
Yeah, now that I’m not on the Morning Show anymore, I can’t put as many hilarious/bizarre stories in my show. I also only produced two shows this week, so pickings were slim.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 16 THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU WORK GRAVEYARD
Apart from the amount of kooky stories I can put in my show, many things have changed since my recent job switch. It’s been one week since I’ve left the graveyard shift and I’m pretty much back on a normal sleep schedule. As eager as I am to live a (somewhat) normal social life, I can’t help but look back at how things were and wonder how I survived at all. For those who haven’t worked the bizarro hours, let my paint a picture on just some parts of basic life that change.
16. GOOD MORNING
This is gonna sound dumb, but I keep catching myself saying “good morning” to people coming into work, even though it’s clearly not morning. Since I came in at 11 p.m., literally anyone who arrived after me would be doing so in the a.m., so “good morning” just became routine after a while. I could just look at a goddamn clock, but still. Now I just say “hey” or something like that.
15. COOKING
I would always end up eating out (be it the store or a restaurant) or taking leftovers I got from my parents, because cooking food wasn’t an option. Granted, I’m not exactly a good cook. But when exactly could I fit in time for making food? I’d either have to meal prep when I woke up at 9 p.m. or start making dinner when I got home from work at 8 a.m. There’s no good answer.
14. MEAL NAMES
Whenever I did eat, I always did something abnormal. Sometimes I’d eat whatever everyone else was eating. Other times I’d have a meatball marinara for dinner at 8:30 a.m. and a bowl of cereal for breakfast at 10 p.m. At some point, I stopped calling meals by their common name and just started referring to them as “meals.” At least I could justifiably gorge at midnight.
13. DAY DRINKING
A loophole I frequently exploited was drinking beer whenever I pleased. If I wanted a beer in the morning, I could explain this was my nighttime, when you’d normally drink. On the other hand, if I drank during my day, it was at everyone else’s night, when no one would second guess me. Of course, try explaining that to the people who saw me buying whiskey at Nugget at 8:30 a.m.
12. STOCKING THE SHELVES
Whenever I’d go to the store after work, some of the items for sale aren’t even on the shelves yet. Because it’s so early in the day, workers are often stocking shelves full of that days fresh food, with some of the premade sandwiches, wraps, and other meals still being made as I was shopping. It was kind of surreal, like I was seeing some behind-the-scenes store stuff.
11. WAITING FOR OPENING
Of course, I’d have to wait for some stores to open. One time, I realized I needed to get some item (I forget which) from Target. I left work around 7:30 a.m. and took about ten minutes to get to the store on 65th Street. Right before I got to the door, I realized the store wasn’t opening for another 20 minutes. That’s right, I got off before Target opened. It was such bullshit.
10. PARTY DOWN
Then there were the times I’d have to leave before things really got going. Whenever anyone decided to be a dick and have a party during the week, I would have to do three things. 1. Wake up early at like 8 p.m. to attend. 2. Avoid drinking at the party because I had to go to work. 3. Leave before 11 p.m., which was when parties started to get good. It fucking sucked.
9. EARLY MORNING WEATHER
It obviously sucks to have to scrape your car windows before heading off to work. Now imagine dealing with an exceptionally shitty day at your job and wanting nothing more than to go home. Now imagine walking out and seeing ice on your windshield. You’ve now got to scrape and sit in your car, in the office parking lot, waiting for everything to warm up. Hint: it’s not fun.
8. WAKING UP TO RESULTS
I slept through a lot of shit that happened during the day. The thing I always hated to skip for sleep was sports. Take football for example. In order to get a proper sleep on Sundays, I’d have to go to bed at minimum at halftime of the afternoon games, forgoing the ending of a lot of Oakland Raiders games and the entire Sunday/Monday/Thursday Night schedule. Fuck that.
7. VACATION TIME
Being on vacation never stopped being fun. Getting to my destination became even more of a pain in the ass due to my work hours. I basically couldn’t travel by car without falling asleep, and any extra time spent in the airport meant fighting fatigue. I’m terrible at sleeping on planes, which made my struggle for shuteye all the more real, especially with any turbulence.
6. HOLIDAY HOURS
I already have enough travel giving all of my family fair enough time during the holidays. Now imagine needing spend half of the day sleeping. I’ve had to straight up not see one of my parents on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Even if I got the holiday off, I’d have to go back to my bizarre schedule the next day, so it really wouldn’t change much. Another holiday headache.
5. DAY OFF DILEMMA
Even when I’d just have weekend off, I’d always have to deal with a dilemma. Do I try to have one normal Saturday by sleeping during half of Friday, then sleeping during half of Sunday to get back on schedule? Do I not fuck with my sleep cycle and stay up through the night and into the morning… doing absolutely nothing? There was no right answer, only righteous struggle.
4. MR. GOLDEN SUN
Whenever I would spend a normal day in the sun, I’d hate to get used to… well… the sun. I honestly found myself more tired than I usually would be, just because I was sitting in the sunlight for much longer than usual. Imagine that feeling you get when stepping outside after being in the movie theater for a while. I guess it doesn’t help that I work in a windowless room.
3. BLACKOUT CURTAINS
There’s a reason I wasn’t used to the sun: it was my No. 1 enemy in my quest for sleep during the day. My No. 1 ally: blackout curtains. I’m one of those people who need as much darkness as possible to get good sleep, so thick blackout curtains were essential. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with mine, but I’m keeping them for now. You’ll never know when they’ll be handy.
2. LENGTHY SLEEP
Combine all of the above with the fact that the human body isn’t meant to be on such a sleep schedule, and I’d be lucky to get six hours of shuteye a night. Now that I can sleep normally, I’m still waking up after 5/6 hours and forcing myself to go to bed again. It’s like my sleep self has PTSD and, like Red from The Shawshank Redemption, has to ask permission for basic things.
1. ALONE TIME
Having to work the graveyard shift and deal with all of these challenges meant having to not see friends or family for a while, and even then only for an hour or two. Not being awake when most people have a social life meant a lot of alone time, more than even I was comfortable with. Now, I can actually say “yes” to invites to parties and games and chilling out. It’s fucking awesome.
QUARTER-FINAL PREVIEW
1. 49ERS VS. 8. THREE EYED RAVENS
It’s the second straight playoffs to feature a Tyler Bowl, with this one actually meaning something (as opposed to last year’s 3rd place game). 49ers (unlike their real life counterpart) remained in the No. 1 seed despite a poor showing last week, while Three Eyed Ravens managed to snag the final spot despite only having Lamar Jackson do anything. Unfortunately for Ewing, Jackson might actually get slowed down by the tough Bills defense. Conversely, John Brown is facing the equally tough Ravens defense. To spring the upset, Ewing will need another amazing effort from James White, Alex Mattison taking advantage of a possibly injured Dalvin Cook, and the Titans defense not shitting the bed against the Raiders. As for Gee, even of the combo of Jameis Winston and Chris Godwin fails against the Colts, guys like Keenan Allen, Nick Chubb, Alvin Kamara, and Ezekiel Elliott will have plenty to say about the outcome. That is, unless they shit the bed again, which could open the door for Ewing to shock the league.
4. DARTH RAIDER VS. 5. FOOTBALLDAMUS
Given the struggles both Darth Raider and Footballdamus have faced this season, it’s kind of incredible that one of these teams will make the semi-finals. Unfortunately for Riez and Arik, some of their key players are in some tough matchups. Josh Allen, one of Riez’s big trade gets, gets to battle the Ravens defense, while Deebo Samuel and Todd Gurley take on the Saints and Seahawks, respectively. Meanwhile, Arik should get plenty of points from Ryan Tannehill against the Raiders defense. But Tyreek Hill, Robert Woods, Saquon Barkley, Travis Kelce, and Chris Carson could potentially get slowed down against defenses which (though they have some holes) can also shut down offenses big time. Fortunately, Austin Ekeler should pile up the scoring against a Jagaurs defense which has seen better days. Riez counters with one of only two relevant Jacksonville players in Leonard Fournette, as well as a red hot DeVante Parker and the Saints defense. I’m not sure if this will be high-scoring or low-scoring, but I think it’ll be close.
2. GOOD HOME COOKIN VS. 7. DIXIE NORMOUS
We have one of the Top 2 highest scoring teams in the league against the lowest scoring team all season. I wonder how this one will go. But don’t discount Dixie Normous and think Good Home COOKin has one foot in the semi-finals. Kyle’s strength has been in his running game, but Dalvin Cook is nursing an injury, Mark Ingram is up against the stingy Bills defense, and Melvin Gordon (as always) has an Austin Ekeler problem. Dak Prescott can go off for big points, but the Bears defense isn’t exactly terrible. Mike Evans has been inconsistent, as has the Eagles defense. Nick, meantime, has plenty of guys who can go off any given week. If the likes of Jimmy G, Stefon Diggs, LeVeon Bell, Golden State, Devin Singletary, and the Texans defense can play up to their potential, Nick might actually have the firepower to match Kyle. Granted, this would also mean Kyle’s lineup would, as a whole, have to struggle. But look at last week. Everyone in this league (Chriss aside) is human, and anyone can fall in any given week, as unlikely as it may be.
3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA VS. 6. GRUDEN GRINDERS
Man this is some bullshit. Orchids of Asia’s reward for finishing tied for the best record in the league and just a few dozen points shy of the top spot: taking on arguably the most dangerous team in the playoffs (Gruden Grinders) in the first round. Jimmy gets to receive points from Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Jones, Devante Adams, and the Packers defense’s destruction of the Redskins, as well as the only productive Raiders in Josh Jacobs and Darren Waller. Hell, Calvin Ridley and Jake Elliott will also probably go off. For as many sure things Jimmy can count on, I have questions about my lineup. How productive will Christian McCaffrey and D.J. Moore be in the post-Ron Rivera era? Can Deshaun Watson keep it going against a tough Broncos defense? Can the Ravens defense slow down the Bills? Will I regret going with a two-TE formation with George Kittle and Mark Andrews, both in tough battles? This matchup is the only one projected by Yahoo! to be a close contest, so you can guarantee I’ll shit my pants at some point this weekend.
ONE LAST THING
HE HAS RISEN… OFF THE BENCH! Minshew Mania is back for the rest of 2019! There are football gods, and they enjoy entertaining QBs with even better mustaches. Let’s get it…
… wait he’s probably gonna go off against the Oakland Raiders in a couple of weeks, isn’t he?
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Biggest Big Hero 6 Fan, Greater Rosemont Area
Ruben's Writings 
Leave a comment