Ruben's Writings

Why must Christmas be on a Wednesday this year? It would’ve been perfect to end the season with a Christmas-themed newsletter, but now it’ll be stupid to do one after the holiday is over. So I’d have to do it this week, seeing as it’s become one of my annual recurring themes. However, there’s one thing more powerful than the holiday season in this household: Star Wars.

Not only is there a new Star Wars film coming out this week, but it happens to be arguably the most important one of the franchise. The Rise of Skywalker is the final film of the sequel trilogy, as well as the last major film in the “Skywalker saga.” That is essentially all of Star Wars as we know it. There may be movies made of events that happened in the past, but nothing new will be added after this film. There will be a future trilogy made by The Last Jedi director (don’t even get me started on that fucking movie Rian Johnson. However, it’ll feature an entirely different cast of characters and will likely be set in an entirely different era. Everything we’re familiar with in the biggest sci-fi/fantasy franchise ever is coming to a conclusion. I’ve been a huge Star Wars fan since I was the size of a Jawa (more on that later), and I’m excited about seeing how this epic multi-decade adventure wraps up.

At least I was… until I went to buy tickets to the movie last night (I know, I procrastinated). Turns out, Fandango lists the movie’s Rotten Tomatoes score even before it’s released. What I saw was, to put it lightly, not encouraging. I’d never expect a Star Wars movie to have The Godfather-like prestige and quality, but I’d at least want a fun, memorable film. A quick, spoiler-free Google search made my fear all the more real. Here’s a list of some of the headlines and first sentences of reviews I’ve come across…

“‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Is The Worst ‘Star Wars’ Movie Ever.” — Forbes

“The Rise of Skywalker Is the Worst-Reviewed Star Wars Movie Since The Phantom Menace.” — Slate Magazine

“The final movie in the Skywalker Saga is bad enough to make me wonder if I ever loved ‘Star Wars’ in the first place.” — Washington Post

That’s… yeah that’s pretty bad. It’s far from how I wanted this beloved franchise to go out. Granted, the beauty of film is in the eye of the beholder and I’ve disagreed with critics plenty in the past. Hell, I kind of hate Roger Ebert because he called my favorite movie of all time, Tommy Boy (admittedly not exactly Citizen Kane), one of the worst he’d ever seen. Fuck you, Tommy Boy is awesome. Anyway, I’ll reserve my final judgement until after the credits. Even if it’s as bad as the critics say, I have to see Star Wars through the very end. Just please, pretty please don’t let it suck.

Although it for sure won’t be anywhere near as awful as Cats.

(cue theme music)

SEMI-FINAL RECAP

1. 49ERS DEF. 4. DARTH RAIDER

159.42 – 149.96

Goddamn! 49ers and Darth Raider combined for more than 300 points in a shootout no one deserved to lose. Unfortunately for Arik, he fell just short, despite a strong start. Saquon Barkley (wow where has he been?) finally had a No. 1 overall pick game, dropping 26 points do go along with fellow bruising RB Chris Carson (25 points). The MVP of Arik’s resurgence, Ryan Tannehill, also had a 25-point day, while Tyreek Hill (19 points) and Travis Kelce (14 points) easily put him over 100 points early. Gee kept things close thanks to another stellar day from Jaimes Winston (37 points) and the Patriots defense (20 points). Then the afternoon started, and Gee made his move thanks to his own RB corps, Ezekiel Elliott (28 points) and Nick Chubb (20 points), and 12-point games from Bobby Wagner and Robbie Gould. Arik’s late guys couldn’t counter, with Robert Woods, Austin Ekeler, and the Steelers defense all coming up short of projections. Arik’s efforts would’ve been good enough to win any other week. But shit happens in the playoffs.

3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA DEF. 2. GOOD HOME COOKIN

145.82 – 98.38

Well… that was unexpected. It seemed Orchids of Asia was fucked after a stellar Thursday from Mark Ingram (22 points). With most of Good Home COOKin’s roster taking the field in the afternoon, I knew my guys gad to strike early. Christian McCaffrey (29 points) carried those hopes like he carries the Panthers, while Deshaun Watson (18 points) and D.J. Moore did well enough (thank you garbage time). I had gotten a decent lead, but knew Kyle had a murderer’s row of Dalvin Cook, Melvin Gordon, Cooper Kupp, and Dak Prescott remaining. Except… that onslaught never came. Prescott (17 points) was the only one to score more than ten points, with Cook and Gordon disappearing at the worst time for Kyle. Little did we know the real murderer was dressed in red. No, not George Kittle (13 points). Kenyan “Motherfucking” Drake (38 points) is a grown ass man who carried me into an unimaginable lead that was way too much for Kyle to overcome. This doesn’t nearly make up for last year, but damn does this win feel good. 

IN MEMORIAM

DARTH RAIDER (ARIK)

It’s tough to imagine a season of adversity after landing the No. 1 overall pick, but that’s exactly what Darth Raider had to keep defying all year. Given the worst draft grade by Yahoo!, Arik jumped out of the gates to be on top of the standings two weeks into the season. But then everything began to come crashing down. That top pick, Saquon Barkley, got hurt and Arik suffered five straight losses, which threatened to derail his season altogether. Just as all seemed doomed, Arik benched Matt Ryan and, like the Tennessee Titans, put his faith in Ryan Tannehill. That, plus a returning Barkley, catapulted Arik back up the ranks and put him in the top half of the playoff bracket. After ending the regular season with six straight wins and starting the postseason with a thumping of Footballdamus (the very team that streak began against), Arik was simply outgunned despite his best performance all year. Despite this horrific luck, Arik should be proud of an effort that proved his skill and ability to overcome all sorts of odds against him.  

GOOD HOME COOKIN (KYLE)

After reaching the ultimate prize last season (yep, I’m still mad), Good Home COOKin did damn near everything they could to keep the trophy this year. If another stellar draft wasn’t enough to prove Kyle still had it, a 5-0 start (highlighted by dropping 173 points on Three Eyed Ravens) pretty much did so. A random loss to C’s Champion Team brought him back down to Earth, though Kyle would later beat Sleeping Giants by over 100 points two weeks later. Still, there were some cracks in the armor. While Kyle kept putting up nice numbers, inconsistent play was rampant in his lineup, particularly at QB and WR. If his stable of RBs couldn’t get it done, Kyle was vulnerable. That’s exactly what doomed him in the end As great as Kyle’s year was, it also wasn’t good enough. Despite the killer numbers, Kyle fell just 1.3 points short of free beer and ended up going out with a whimper in the semi-finals. At least he has a nice consolation prize in the winnings of those bets he made with the dumbass Oakland Raiders fans in our league.

A FINAL SUSPENSION

“Flash” might’ve finally run out of chances.

For the upteenth time in his career, Josh Gordon was found to have violated the NFL’s policy on PEDs and substance abuse. While (as of this writing) it’s unclear just what substance this is this time, Gordon has been suspended indefinitely. Already on his third team in just over a calendar year, this latest suspension might just see the curtain close on one of the biggest wastes of talent the NFL has ever seen.

When Gordon hit the scene with the Cleveland Browns, he was an instant success. His 2013 season was the stuff of legends and made him a fantasy football god. But several substance abuse violations later, Gordon suddenly found himself facing a multi-year suspension from football. Unlike other players who’ve had these sorts of issues (Martavis Bryant), this appeared to be less of a “I do and smoke what I want because I’m a star” case and more of a serious addition problem. Gordon worked extensively during a lengthy rehabilitation period, and seemed to be free and clear upon his return. But his demons wouldn’t go away. He took a break from football last year to “focus on his mental health” and got reinstated before Week 1 of this year. He balled out for both the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks before injuries did him in, followed by this latest incident.

I’m not going to rip Gordon for this, despite the aforementioned waste of a potential HOF career. I don’t know the inner turmoil Gordon is dealing with, but everyone has their battles and personal demons. Unfortunately, it seems in this case that those proved to be too great for Gordon to handle. At this point, I seriously doubt any team will be willing to take a risk on Gordon again if and ever his suspension is lifted or over. I’m not angry or anything. Honestly, I’m just sad.

Now if you want me to talk about something that does make me angry….

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Really? REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?

After all of the years, memories, heroics, and special moments in Oakland, THAT is how the Raiders go out of the Bay? A ref fucking, self-sabotage effort where we blow a 4th quarter, double-digit lead to the four-win Jacksonville Jaguars? 

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Let’s get this out of the way: the Raiders got absolutely fucked over by the refs, who failed to plainly see Derek Carr going down in bounds while getting that last 1st down. How that wasn’t properly called is incomprehensible. One last time, Oakland got screwed by the officials. 

But there were still plenty of changes for the Raiders not to blow this one. To start, just get one more first down. Nope. Alright, then just hit a FG. Nope. Okay… well the Jaguars ran into Daniel Carlson, so just make the easier kick. Nope. Fine, just stop the listless Jacksonville offense one last time. Nope. Instead, let’s just fuck everything up.

Instead of channeling the moments of clutch comebacks and incredible play throughout Raiders history in the Coliseum, we got to see a one-game embodiment of the modern day Silver and Black — doing everything they can to embarrass the franchise. Maybe Las Vegas will bring about a change of fortune, but it’ll take a hell of a lot of work (and actual 2nd half adjustments).

But here and now, I’m fucking disgusted at my favorite football team. What the Raiders did on the field on Sunday was an utter disgrace. This might be the most ashamed to be a Raiders fan I’ve ever been in my life. No wonder the crowd got pissed and started tearing the stadium apart and throwing shit onto the grass.

Quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck about the rest of the season. My mind is already in Las Vegas, which is pretty damn sad. But you all know this. Over the past two weeks, you’ve heard my thoughts about the Raiders’ move and how their time in Oakland ended. Now, it’s your turn.

For next week’s season finale newsletter, I’m leaving this section to be filled by you guys. I’m specifically talking to the Raiders fans of the league. Give me a couple of paragraphs by… let’s say the end of Tuesday. Write out your thoughts about the season, the Oakland era coming to an end, and the current Raiders future as the team heads to Las Vegas. We need a place to vent, so why not in this place among fellow doomed members of Raider Nation.

This is going to go poorly, isn’t it?

STAT OF THE WEEK

Even Oakland had a winning record once this decade. How are you worse than the Raiders?

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS FOR FANS OF EACH NFL TEAM

As has been mentioned before in the newsletter and made apparent by things like the inside of every grocery store and the calendar, it’s almost Christmas! Hopefully, you all have either finished or come close to finishing your shopping list. If not, maybe I can help you out, at least if you’ve got a football fan in mind.

Have you ever seen an unusual item with an NFL team logo on it, like something that must be from a bootlegger because you can’t image the franchise actually sells it? Well turns out, there is some interesting official merchandise actually available for sale. I know this because I search every single NFL team’s online store in search of some unique gift you can surprise the fan on your list with, no matter who they support. I’ve singled out an item from each of the 32 teams that you can buy right now (I’ve included links). This can be something out of the ordinary, a normal item you wouldn’t think to associate with football, or a wild card pick.

Some notes an observations before we get started. About 3/4 of NFL teams use the same kind of online shop format, run by Fanatics. While I had hoped to find one thing in each team’s store to use as an example, it just wasn’t possible. There are some items like plush dolls, LEGO ripoffs, piggy banks, tikis, lava lamps, and a “Where’s Waldo?” cousin featuring a guy named Joe Journeyman who’s played for all 32 teams and is hiding in every stadium. I’ll include examples of this stuff that, while not unique to any individual team, you wouldn’t think of when you think of football. Other stuff I included just because I thought it was funny. I’m also avoiding clothing or jerseys for similar reasons. While a shirt or jersey may be particularly unique or funny or disgusting, it’s still a shirt or jersey. 

As far as the other quarter of the league, only the Oakland Raiders truly do their own thing. You might’ve seen that Raider Image store at Arden Fair Mall. Well, it’s the same thing, but online. It might not have the most extensive collection, but it does have the perfect Christmas gift for Jimmy. The other teams have a similar kind of thing called a “[insert team name] Pro Shop,” but each put their own spin on it. We’re talking about some iconic brands like the Dallas Cowboys and New England Patriots, but also some surprising teams like the Buffalo Bills, Tennessee Titans, and Carolina Panthers (who have an entire section of nothing but Christian McCaffrey jerseys). I might get one for myself. 

But the three kings of NFL online stores are, in ascending order: the Minnesota Vikings (a stunning amount of stuff, including a badass ale horn), the Pittsburgh Steelers (with a whole section devoted to Terrible Towels), and the Green Bay Packers. Holy fucking shit, I did not realize there were so many things you could a Packers logo on or color green and yellow. Green Bay makes Manchester United look like a team with poor branding skills by comparison. The Red Devils even have a tractor sponsor for shit’s take! Wait a minute… oh my god.

INTERCEPTION CANVAS PAINTING (BENGALS)

The Deacon Jones Foundation puts together well done paintings of NFL plays, which are on the radar of each team included in the art. It’s just funny to me that the you’re able to buy a badass portrait of the Bengals getting intercepted on Cincinnati’s online shop. As long as they make money off of it, who cares, I guess… 

MOSAIC CANVAS PAINTING (BROWNS)

So it’s a canvas painting… of a mosaic? Why not just get a mosaic and not look like a cheap ass? This may not be the most unique item, but the Browns shop didn’t have a lot of options.  

JOE FLACCO BOBBLEHEAD (RAVENS)

The first bobblehead to make the list turns Joe Flacco into pure nightmare fuel.

“IT’S NOT JUST FRIDAY” FLAG (STEELERS)

Pittsburgh has this weird campaign going around Fridays, which they’re trying to make “Steelers Fridays.” I couldn’t find the origin of this idea or why they’re doing it, but it doesn’t make sense. Why Fridays? Why not, you know, Sundays, not just a the day when the Steelers play most often but one of two days that start with the letter “S”?. Do they take it down every other day except for that one? “Oh shit, it’s Friday. Gotta put my Steelers flag up!” Fucking dumb.

BLUE MASCOT MINIFIGURE (COLTS)

The Colts definitely don’t have the only NFL mascot toy made by a LEGO ripoff, but they for sure have the most terrifying one.

GARDNER MINSHEW FLAG (JAGUARS)

Guys I found Kyle’s Christmas present.

J.J. WATT PLUSH TOY (TEXANS)

This looks less like J.J. Watt and more like Mikey from Recess.

TURKEY HAT (TITANS)

This isn’t in Tennessee colors and doesn’t even have any Titans branding. It’s just straight up a turkey hat. For sure one of the most random items on this list.

3D MASCOT PAPER PUZZLE (BILLS)

The Bills have by far the worst online shop with the least amount of items for sale.

QB OF THE CENTURY ENVELOPE (DOLPHINS)

Two things are pathetic about this from the Dolphins’ perspective. 1: Miami has the only QB of the group to not win a Super Bowl. 2: they’re selling a goddamn unusable envelope.

GAME-USED SEAT CUFF LINKS (JETS)

“You know what I want on my wrists to go along with my fancy suit? Bits of Old Meadowlands Stadium seats where hundreds of Jets fans parked their asses!” — no one ever.

SPANDEX MASK (PATRIOTS)

At least 5% of Patriots fans have worn this mask at some point during sex.

SUPER BOWL XLVIII PROGRAM (BRONCOS)

On the surface, this seems like a genuine and thoughtful gift. But then you remember the Broncos got their shit kicked in during Super Bowl XLVIII, so this program will only bring back painful memories for fans. If you don’t like this one, there are plenty of other Super Bowls were Denver got its ass kicked to pick from.

USB CHARGER (CHARGERS)

It’s a charger sold by the Chargers, a Chargers charger if you will. Get it, guys?

GAME-USED UNIFORM WALLET (CHIEFS)

This looks like a cool idea, but think about it. There’s no way your money won’t get caught in and fucked up by the uniform, which is already a little torn up and dirty. It’s a bad move all around.

JON GRUDEN PHOTO (RAIDERS)

When teams offer photos of players/coaches, they’re usually action shots or images of them looking stoic or cheering on the sidelines during a game. But the Raiders? Nah, just use a random picture of Jon Gruden crouching during practice.

SIGNED DECATUR STALEYS MINI HELMET (BEARS)

During their first year of the APFA/NFL, the Chicago Bears were known as the Decatur Staleys. Among the things that weren’t a thing in 1920: a Staleys logo and modern helmets. But because the Bears want to make a little bit of money, they figured fuck it, just slap the “Decatur Staleys” name in a random font on an orange helmet. Fans will eat that shit up.

CALVIN JOHNSON ELF (LIONS)

It seems like it’d be tough to be good under the watchful eye of one of Santa’s spies while constantly being reminded of the second generational talent the Lions completely wasted.

SOUND BUTTON (PACKERS)

This button apparently offers a “variety of inspirational or funny sayings.” I have no idea what these are or what kind of voice they’re being said in. It all seems mysterious and stupid.

WHERE’S VIKTOR’S MUSTACHE? BOOK (VIKINGS)

Minnesota’s mascot, Viktor the Viking, wrote a children’s book about the day he had to search the North Star State for his missing mustache. If that’s not the best premise, I don’t know what is.

MASCOT PILLOW (BUCCANEERS)

A swashbuckling pirate wielding a sword is probably one of the worst things to cuddle up to.

PLUSH MASCOT TOY (FALCONS)

Freddie looks as depressed about Atlanta’s season as most Falcons fans.

TRAVEL CANDLE (PANTHERS)

Available in three different scents: citrus, cotton candy, and Carolina Pines.

UTILITY MULTI-TOOL (SAINTS)

Oh wow, the Saints are offering Taysom Hill for sale online!

LEIGHTON VANDER ESCH WOLFPACK BOBBLEHEAD (COWBOYS)

On top of having goddamn wolves as part of it, this bobblehead also features Leighton Vander Esch in a pose that, well, looks just like what the Cowboys have been doing all season.

INFLATABLE MASCOT (EAGLES)

This looks like a terrified penis.

MODIFIED LOGO FIDGET SPINNER (GIANTS)

This might not seem unusual on the face of it, but take a closer look. Compare the width of the logo parts of this to a normal fidget spinner. Those sharp edges are going to cut the shit out of some poor kid’s hands. This just looks like a lawsuit in the making.

REDSKINS RESISTANCE FLAG (REDSKINS)

There are some… unintended political and historical tones with the term “Redskins Resistance.”

PLUSH MUSTAHCE (49ERS)

This must’ve been more popular during the short-lived Jim Tomsula era.

RESIN T-REX (CARDINALS)

Birds (including Cardinals) did descend from birds, so I guess sort of makes sense.

BLAKE BORTLES PLAQUE (RAMS)

The Rams have as much Blake Bortles gear for sale as the Jaguars do.

RUSSELL WILSON BOBBLEHEADS (SEAHAWKS)

Teams often use different bobblehead makers, so it’s not surprising to see players look different in various bobbleheads. But no one appears as… diverse as Russell Wilson in his models. Just look at the difference between these three examples, and consider these are about half of the options on the Seahawks’ online shop.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 19, 2010, we witnessed another miracle at the Meadowlands. With less than eight minutes left in a crucial NFC East matchup, the New York Giants had a 31-10 lead over the Philadelphia Eagles and a win seemingly locked up. The Eagles needed a big play to get back in the game, and Brent Celek provided that by breaking a tackle en route to a 65-yard TD to make it 31-17. Philadelphia then caught New York off guard with a surprise onside kick, which they recovered despite only having ten players on the field. On the ensuing drive, Michael Vick used his legs to drive the Eagles into the end zone and cut the lead to 31-24 with 5:28 left to play. The Giants’ next drive forced the Eagles to use all three of their timeouts, but Philly would get the ball back with 3:01 remaining. A 33-yard scramble by Vick kept the Eagles alive and, with just 1:16 to play in the fame, Jeremy Maclin shook a tackle and scored to force a 31-31 tie. Instead of playing for OT, New York threw two incomplete passes before Eli Manning was sacked on 3rd down. After calling a timeout with 14 seconds before extra time, the Giants lined up to make the safe play and punt. Zak DeOssie’s snap was high and Matt Dodge, rather than kicking it out of bounds, booted a line drive right to Philly’s returner, DeSean Jackson, who actually muffed the punt before backing up to the Eagles’ 30-yard line. Jackson ran it right up the middle and past the Giants’ coverage, breaking free as time expired. Wanting to make sure the clock was reading zeroes, Jackson ran parallel to the end zone before breaking the plane and capping the 28-point 4th quarter and 38-31 win. This was the first time a game had been won by a punt return TD as time expired. The incredible comeback instantly brought back memories of Herm Edwards’ Miracle at the Meadowlands (also against the Giants) 32 years prior, and was dubbed the Miracle at the New Meadowlands. The result would end up being the tiebreaker that gave the Eagles the division title and forced the Giants out of the playoffs after a loss the following week to the Packers. But while New York lost the battle, they ended up winning the war. Green Bay would beat Philly in the playoffs en route to winning Super Bowl XLV. The following season would see the Giants (minus Dodge, who was cut at the end of 2010), earn their fourth Lombardi Trophy, taking out the 15-1 Packers in the process. At least Eagles fans can relish in the fact they can give Giants fans PTSD just by mentioning either Jackson or Dodge’s name.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2001 — The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is released nationwide.
• 1998 — President Bill Clinton is impeached by the House of Representatives.
• 1986 — Platoon is released nationwide.
• 1983 — The Jules Rimet Trophy, the original FIFA World Cup trophy, is stolen from the Brazilian Football Confederatiom headquarters, never to be seen again.
• 1980 — Raging Bull is released nationwide.
• 1974 — Nelson Rockefeller is sworn in as Vice President under the 25th Amendment.
• 1972 — The last manned lunar flight, Apollo 17, returns to Earth.
• 1948 — The Philadelphia Eagles defeat the Chicago Cardinals 7-0 in the first NFL Championship Game to be televised.
• 1924 — The last Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost is sold in London.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1980 — Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor’s muse and actor known for too many movies for me to list.
• 1974 — Jake Plummer, former Pro Bowl QB.
• 1969 — Richard Hammond, journalist and media personality best known as co-host of the GOAT nonfiction TV show, Top Gear, and its successor, The Grand Tour.
• 1967 — Criss Angel, magician/illusionist and host of Mindfreak.
• 1961 — Reggie White, HOF DE and rightful member of the NFL All-Time Team.
• 1957 — Kevin McHale, HOF power forward and Boston Celtics icon.
• 1942 — “Mean” Gene Okerlund, iconic wrestling announcer/TV host.
• 1926 — Bobby Layne, HOF QB who allegedly put a 50-year curse on the Detroit Lions.
• 1899 — Martin Luther King Sr., pastor, activist, and father of civil rights leader and icon Martin Luther King Jr.

DEATHS:

• 2008 — Dock Ellis, MLB pitcher who once threw a no-hitter while on LSD.
• 1993 — Michael Clarke, drummer of The Byrds.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Hard Candy Day! If it weren’t for the fact that it’s absolutely terrible for you, I would consume at least ten times more hard candy than I already do. 
Fuck it, give me all of the candy cane things.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MOSH PIT ERUPTS AT DENNY’S

ORANGE COUNTY, Calif. — A 17-year-old boy got stuck answering for damages to a Denny’s in Southern California last weekend after a punk rock concert and mosh pit damaged the restaurant, police said.

Of the group that rented the room Saturday evening, the teen was the only one left by the time officers responded around 8 p.m. to the 24-hour breakfast spot at 2530 South Bristol St. in Santa Ana, police spokesman Lt. Anthony Bertagna said Tuesday in an email to McClatchy News.

“There was damage done to one of the Denny’s tables,” Bertagna said, adding that “there were no arrests made.”

WACKO, the Southern California punk rock band that apparently played at the Denny’s, posted on Instagram to promote a fundraiser covering the cost of the damages. The band called the 17-year-old “the true hero” of the Denny’s grand slam show, but said he’s “the only one who is left to pay for all the damages done to this Denny’s after we did our thang in thurr.”

READ MORE

I never thought I’d write “mosh pit” and “Denny’s” in the same sentence. Gotta love rockers. 

THE RISE AND THE END

What’s your earliest memory of Star Wars? Mine is Blockbuster. I can’t remember if my Dad first had me watch the original trilogy (or as they were known back then: the only Star Wars movies) at home or if the VHS covers just happened to catch my five-year-old eye at the store. But every time we would go to Blockbuster, I would eventually walk past the images of Darth Vader (A New Hope), a stormtrooper (The Empire Strikes Back), and Yoda (Return of the Jedi) and demand my parents rent them AGAIN. I was kind of a pain in the ass as a kid (cue Dad saying to himself, “oh yeah, JUST a pain in the ass as a kid.”).

Eventually, they decided to just buy the damn movies as a Christmas gift. As a reward for being a brave boy and getting my chicken pox shot without crying, they let me open one present early. I don’t know if it was the Force or what, but I happened to pick the gold and black box that contained the VHS copies of all three movies. I was as happy as an Ewok that just bludgeoned a stormtrooper to death. Needless to say, those tapes got rewound frequently. I still have them.
Back then, with only three movies and little other media to work with, Star Wars fans went crazy over what little we had. From my green lightsaber to various toys, my room was packed with merch from a galaxy far, far away. But something I took an interest in stepped away from what was considered fact in Star Wars. The expanded universe featured the continued adventures of Han, Luke, Leia, Chewie, and company, introducing popular characters such as Mara Jade, Grand Admiral Thrawn, and the 

Yuuzhan Vong. 

My particular cup of tea was the collection of young reader novels known as the Jedi Prince series. Featuring tales from the time shortly after the fall of the Empire, these books enthralled me as a kid. None of what’s in this paragraph is considered canon in the Star Wars universe, but I didn’t care. I would eagerly await bedtime, when Dad would read to me while doing voices of characters we’d never hear speak, like Ken, Trioculus, Captain Dunwell, and the legendary Grand Moff Hissa.

Just when my fandom began to crest for the first time, we got the prequel trilogy. Not knowing just how terrible of a movie The Phantom Menace was, little Ruben was hyped as shit over the podracing scene. I was podracer Anakin Skywalker for Halloween that year. Star Wars Episode I: Racer became a favorite game of mine for the Nintendo 64 (along with Star Wars: Rogue Squadron). I got so many goddamn podracing LEGO sets. I remember not liking Attack of the Clones or Revenge of the Sith as much because of a lack of podracing, and not for how objectively bad they were. I did like Mace Windu’s purple lightsaber, though, and would later buy one of my own. I also liked that Dad’s real estate company got to host an exclusive early showing of the films to various clients. I, wielding my green lightsaber, would help guide visitors, amused and slightly frightened of little nerd me, into the theater.

After those films, we had a sizable no Star Wars gap. While I still definitely was a huge follower who now had the LEGO Star Wars video games (three of my favorite things in one!) to play and could also appreciate why the old movies were so good and the new ones were shit, my main fantasy attention was taken elsewhere. This is when the Harry Potter machine rose to power, and I fell into the world of wizards and witches. Good lord I was obsessed with Harry Potter. I mean I still am, but I was then, too. But even with that magic in my eyes, my heart never lost an ounce of admiration for my OG fantasy love. I even decked myself out in a full Darth Vader costume twice, red lightsaber included, and picked up a blue lightsaber along the way. For those counting at home, that’s now four lightsabers in total. . 

Then, just as I was getting out of college and the Harry Potter saga came to an end, something amazing happened. Disney bought Lucasfilm and announced they would be making an entirely new film trilogy! Gears that had gathered a little rust inside of me began to turn again, and that fandom which had first blossomed as a kid got a true second wind. No Harry Potter premiere, or that of any other movie, was as highly anticipated as the one for The Force Awakens. Even though I was older and could not be blinded against its flaws, I still gave it and the new era of Star Wars a hearty seal of approval. Although, as mentioned before, I had my problems with The Last Jedi, this new era has given us (hot take alert) the best piece of Star Wars media ever created in Rogue One and a solid if unspectacular film in Solo. 

There is something else about the sequel trilogy era that’s different than any other time in Star Wars history. It’s cool. Like, it’s popular. I wouldn’t call Star Wars “niche,” but let’s just say hip people weren’t wearing Darth Vader tees and shoe companies weren’t dishing out Jedi-themed kicks. Star Wars and all of its media are more popular than ever. Hell, it’s become custom to give people shit for never seeing or not knowing enough about Star Wars. If you would’ve told me that when I was a kid, I would’ve called you a fucking liar and then gotten in trouble for swearing. This piece of fandom I used to be embarrassed about and sometimes got me mocked by the cool kids at school is mainstream. Maybe Harry Potter had something to do with the gradual acceptance of fantasy culture into general society. But still, what a world.

I have no idea what will happen to the Star Wars franchise after The Rise of Skywalker comes out. I’ll probably play more video games, keep watching The Mandalorian and maybe add a fifth lightsaber to be collection. There might be more solo movies or TV shows about Star Wars in the future, but like the gaps after the first two trilogies, this upcoming period can only see an expansion of the story that’s been told. Nothing will be new, at least officially, with Star Wars as we know it ever again. The next trilogy of films will happen in a place and time in the universe that has nothing to do with anything already established. These beloved characters, planets, bits of technology, and memories from my childhood into close to my 30’s (holy shit I actually just typed that) will be just, well, memories. The book on Star Wars will be closed.

That’s why I’m seeing this movie with my dad, the one person above any other who helped cultivate my love for this iconic franchise, tonight. However this all ends and whatever’s to come in the future, we’ll face it together. For one more night, we shall rule the galaxy together as father and son. But in this case I’m Darth Vader, because I’ve got the mask.

And then maybe afterwards I’ll get a life.

EPIC BOWL IX PREVIEW

1. 49ERS VS. 3. ORCHIDS OF ASIA

Here we go. After several months of TDs, waiver wire watching, roster mistakes, shit talking, and anxious waiting, the fantasy football season comes down to one matchup — I could not be more terrified. Last year, I pulled off some unexpected results to reach the title game, only to fall just short against the highest-scoring team in the league. This year, it’s almost the exact same thing, although I scored quite a few more points in the first two rounds. The problem? My opponent has been on an ever greater scoring tear. The Yahoo! projections (as of this writing) have Orchids of Asia and 49ers separated by less than half a point. While obviously Yahoo!’s system has its flaws (a full review of their failures is coming next week), I do think this fight for the championship will indeed be a close one. Call me a pessimist, but I still see my original prediction of Gee capping off a stellar season by taking back the trophy coming true. Whether or not that premonition comes to pass could likely be determined by the very first game of this week’s schedule. 

Thursday Night Football is done for the year and all of Week 17 will be on a Sunday. But for this week only, three games are set for Saturday. As utter fucking fate would have it, the first contest will pit my QB (Deshaun Watson) against Gee’s (Jameis Winston). Whoever gets the better of that contest will take a crucial early lead. Interestingly, Gee has swapped out Chris Godwin in favor of A.J. Brown. I think Gee’s fucking with me, but we’ll see. The afternoon contest will also be important, with Gee’s Patriots defense getting to feast on the Bills’ putrid offense and me hoping Julian Edelman snaps out of his recent scoring famine. In the late game, Gee’s real life 49ers will look to rebound from a bad loss against the rival Rams. I’ll also be looking for George Kittle to continue his recent run of dominance during this whole pissed off bounce back game thing, while hoping for as few FGs from Robbie Gould as possible. While Saturday won’t decide this matchup by any means, it could very well doom someone should they slip up.

Sunday, however, is as always the big daddy, especially early on. That’s when Brown, along with real life Browns Nick Chubb and Joe Schobert, take field. As I’m sure Ewing would approve of, I’ll be pro-Baltimore, with the Ravens defense and Mark Andrews in my lineup. Gee will also be pro-anything positive Alvin Kamara does at this point. Meanwhile, perhaps the biggest factor of the entire matchup isn’t even someone on either roster: Will Grier. How the rookie QB does in his first start for the Panthers will go a long way towards the productivity of D.J. Moore and the White Jesus himself, Christian McCaffrey. The afternoon will be sickening for me, having to somehow hope the putrid Raiders defense can limit Keenan Allen and Hunter Henry in the slightest while Ezekiel Elliott doesn’t scarf down the Eagles. If he does, I’m not  sure my new lord and savior Kenyan Drake has another 38-point effort in him. Should Gee be ahead on Monday, it can’t be by a lot, because there’s only so much Mason Crosby and Blake Martinez can do.

This year’s sports season has not been kind to me. The Sacramento Kings fired their best head coach since Rick Adelman. Now, while their SoCal rivals have one of the best records in the NBA, they are blowing double-digit 2nd half leads at home to the New York Knicks. The Boston Red Sox had a hell of a title hangover and saw their arch rivals get possibly the best pitcher in baseball. The San Jose Sharks lost to the eventual Stanley Cup champs, lost their captain to free agency, and now can’t seem to stop losing. The Oakland Raiders (as I’ve mentioned above) need no explanation. Hell, I even saw my school (Pacific) get embarrassed in the NCAA Men’s Water Polo title game. Now, I face the possible fate of losing in my fantasy football league championship game for the second year in a row. Surely the sports gods cannot be that cruel. They have taken so much from me in 2019. Please, for the love of all decency in this world, just give me this. Also, we cannot unleash Gee’s championship-fueled hubris. It’d be too much to handle.

ONE LAST THING

I thought after the Deadspin bit, I’d be done writing about terrible losses for sports journalism and media. Sadly, I was wrong.

On Monday, SB Nation, which publishes its own sports media content as well as runs hundreds of blogs focused on specific teams throughout the sports landscape, announced a major change for all 25 blogs covering California teams. In short, the company is parting ways with their Golden State-based contractors thanks to incoming legislation (AB 5) which goes into effect on January 1. The law impacts how many independent contractors are classified as such and was largely meant to stop companies like Uber and Lyft from taking advantage of “gig economy” workers. However, it also has repercussions for freelance journalists, limiting contractors from producing more than 35 “written content submissions” per year. Anything more, and they’d have to be hired as straight up employee. Those on the chopping block even include people who live in California, even if they write/manage blogs for non-California teams.

Backlash has been swift, but not for the new law or for California lawmakers. Rather, SB Nation (and its parent company, Vox) have since received a heap of criticism on many fronts. The first was how they handled the announcement, which was to pretty much unexpectedly spring unemployment on hundreds of staffers right before Christmas. That’s not a good look for anyone. Second was part of the announcement aimed at those soon-to-be laid off writers. In an email, SB Nation Executive Director John Ness “offered” them the chance to continue writing for the sites, only for free. This sort of “payment in exposure” bullshit is a slap in the face to those who’ve put countless hours into their craft and coverage of their beloved teams. Why not just make them employees anyway? Oh wait, only five jobs related to California are listed on SB Nation’s website (as of this writing). Finally, all of this has led to a heaping amount of criticism of SB Nation’s business structure and how it essentially exploits these freelancers who write hundreds of pieces for meager prices and “exposure.” 

All told, I’m in the camp that this was an extremely shitty and avoidable thing to do by SB Nation and Vox. The sports news industry (and journalism as a whole) is not exactly in its heyday right now. As media continues to evolve and consumers find new ways and preferences to, well, consume what they want, a lot of wholesale changes are being made. We’ve seen similar huge staff layoffs and shifts at companies like ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and the Athletic. There are also a lot of freelancers out there in general, from writers for these sorts of sites/blogs to sports reporters bouncing from station to station to popular sports YouTubers to guys who spend countless hours putting together attempts at funny and clever fantasy football emails. This is a volatile industry with no signs of stability in the future, for better or worse.

So when a law like AB 5 happens, things like this can happen. As mentioned above, the law was intended to prevent employers from exploiting these freelancers and independent contractors for their cheap labor. But instead of giving those hard working people a stable job and pay, outlets like SB Nation simply just replace those “hundreds of contractors” with only a handful of real jobs. While it may be naive to think these companies would just start handing out full time jobs willy nilly, it doesn’t make it any less shitty.

But what might end up being the biggest loss in all of this is the community and fandom these kinds of blogs created. Rather than an occasional handout from the national media (when they’re not covering the size of the shit LeBron James took after his latest Taco Tuesday dinner before his son’s basketball game), these blogs were run by local, dedicated people passionate about their team who could provide the kind of depth and coverage no one else could provide. They’ve become sort of a haven for discussion and news for the hardcore fan. I’ve found myself visiting Sactown Royalty whenever the Sacramento Kings do something good or stupid (often the latter). Once the calendar hits 2020, these communities will begin ti disappear, perhaps forever.

That is a damn shame.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Third-Most Prolific Lightsaber Collector, FOX40 Market