Ruben's Writings

Alright Ruben, this is your first newsletter as the reigning Epic League champion. Be humble and act like you’ve been here before. No one likes a sore winner. Plus, it’s not like anyone in the league has talked shit to you at all or made fun of you as commissioner or been an asshole for no goddamn reason or… 

… huh…

… now that I think about it…

GREETINGS, PEASANTS!

IT IS I, YOUR CHAMPION! 

IT’S BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE MY GLORIOUS ASCENDANCE TO THE THRONE. BUT NOW I’M BACK TO DOMINATE ONCE AGAIN! IT’S BEEN A LONG OFFSEASON AND…

… wait a minute, this isn’t September! What the fuck am I doing writing another newsletter so soon? Something earth-shattering must’ve happened.

Yeah, I think this qualifies as “earth-shattering.”

So… we’re in a global pandemic. The coronavirus (COVID-19) went from being some weird illness in to China to a deadly threat that’s brought society to a screeching halt. This is not hyperbole. Right now, we’re living through a chapter of a future history textbook. More masks are being worn now than on the 5th of November, everyone is required to be at least six feet apart, and people are literally fighting over toilet paper. It’s like a middle schooler who’s seen Pandemic once decided to rewrite a modern version of Mad Max, except instead of leather and spikes our post-apocalyptic outfits consist of our own pajamas.

Going beyond the shitposting for a second, a lot of people are afraid right now. I honestly can’t say they don’t have a good reason for feeling that way. The coronavirus threat is extremely serious, something some people still incredibly don’t believe. If for whatever reason you’re among this group, please kindly remove your head from your own ass. Right now, this situation is not as bad as it’s going to get. Not even close. Testing still isn’t universally available, so the numbers are likely to keep rising for a while. If we are able to look back years from now and say the spread wasn’t as bad as we thought, it’s because we’ve heeded the recommendations and stopped the virus in its tracks. Things may seem frightening now, but we will get through this with patience and intelligence. Follow the guidelines that every organization and government entity has been issuing. Please practice social distancing, only go into places with large groups if necessary (grocery stores, work, banks, etc.), wash your goddamn hands, disinfect surfaces while you can, and stay at home, especially if you have symptoms. Also, don’t be racist to Asian people. Racism is bad.

Anyway, in order to best mitigate this threat, life as we know it has to drastically change. Gone are things like eating at restaurants, going to the movies, or having a party. Groups above or near double digits are being cautioned against or outright banned. As a result, we’re pretty much left to our own devices, which has created a lot of anxiety or outright boredom. People need their escape from all of the bullshit life throws at them. But at a time when we’re seeing more bullshit than ever, those escapes are disappearing.

That’s why I’m here. Partially because I hope to provide some sort of distraction from any fear or unease you may be feeling, partially because we now more than ever need to be here for each other as friends, and partially because I am bored out of my fucking skull when I’m not at work (however I am incredibly busy at work, as you can imagine) and am doing this to cope. For as long as this pandemic lasts and until society basically gets back to normal, I will be writing newsletters to keep you degenerates entertained. 

This won’t be a weekly thing. God no. I’m planning for doing this once a month until either the pandemic stops, the NFL season starts, all of the above, or we’re all officially doomed. Plus, I can’t guarantee there will be enough for me to talk about if I do this once a week as usual, because there’s no new news except for the coronavirus. This is supposed to be a distraction from the coronavirus. 

I’m also doing this because our favorite distraction is gone.

(cue theme music)

SPORTS IS CANCELED

I will never forget what happened on March 11, 2020 for as long as I live. Everyone has a day when the outbreak became real to them. This was my day.

I was putting the finishing touches on my 7 p.m. show and about 20 minutes away from going into the booth when I heard Rudy Gobert had tested positive for coronavirus. My lead reporter, Eric Rucker, was going live from the Golden 1 Center to do a story on the Kings-Pelicans game, which we were operating under the assumption would be the last home game without fans for a while. I had to make an urgent phone call to him a few minutes later to change his story. I couldn’t believe the words I was saying when I told him that the NBA season had been suspended. I could never have imagined those words being said together and in that order, even when exactly that was happening on my show live on TV. The President had just declared a national emergency and banned travel from the U.S. to Europe (except if you’re Ewing and his sister, apparently), and I could not give a fuck. The NBA was gone, and I shuddered to think of what was going to go next.

Everyone found out the following day.

Ever since then, leagues and tournaments and events have been dropping like flies. Along with the NBA, the NHL, MLS, NASCAR, and PGA Tour have suspended their current seasons. MLB has delayed opening day (which was supposed to be today) and put the final nail in the coffin to my four-day trip to St. Louis next month (spoiler alert: I’m not going anymore). The outbreak is also threatening to fuck with the upcoming college football and NFL seasons. Some events have been canceled altogether, including March fucking Madness (more on that later). As if this couldn’t get worse for me, the NPSL (semi-pro soccer) announced this morning that their season has been canceled. I work part time for an NPSL club (Sacramento Gold FC), so this directly impacts my income. 

Sports as we know it doesn’t exist right now. It’s been true for two weeks yet is still incomprehensible. I still absentmindedly turn on ESPN hoping to catch highlights or analysis. Instead I find people like me, wondering what the fuck to do and when things will go back to normal. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic where we have to stay at home, and we can’t even watch sports. There is no sports. What the fuck?!?!?!?!

I can hear the popular response already: so what? Who gives a shit about sports? Just follow something else that’s not as dumb. Who needs sports, anyway?

Yeah… I can’t do that. I’d like to think I’m a complex individual with multifaceted interests in diverse endeavors. I’d also like a foursome with Katie Nolan, Scarlett Johansson, and Ashley Graham, but I want to be realistic. Sports has been much more than a simple part of my life for pretty much all of my life. I started kicking soccer balls at age five, played with purpose for 15 years, and met countless friends and colleagues along the way. Soccer has taken me across the state, nation, and world — I’ve watched matches in seven countries on three different continents. Being the only person on the staff of the Kennedy Clarion led me to being named Sports Editor. I then got to cover UFC 65 at Arco Arena, and my life was forever changed by that experience. My work as Sports Editor of Pacific’s newspaper, The Pacifican, led to me becoming Editor-in-Chief and traveling to Texas to watch the NCAA Tournament. While working as an intern for the Stockton Thunder, I met a reporter named Mark Demsky, who told me FOX40 is looking for summer interns. Some of my highest highs and worst injuries have come from playing sports. 

Hell, for the past three NFL seasons I’ve dedicated countless hours to writing an email newsletter about fantasy football to 11 people. I met two of those people, Ewing and Jimmy, the first day of 4th grade. I was the new kid at school and we bonded over a game of basketball at lunchtime. I met other people in this league through those pickup games of whatever we used to play when we were all home from college in the summer. We’d all go to Shari’s on Wednesdays afterwards and get a free slice of pie with our meals.

The point is, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through at least two (probably three) more months without sports. I might actually go insane. Putting all of this together has actually been therapeutic. But as I mentioned, I’d also like to use this platform to help you guys when you’re bored as shit with no sports on. There’s gotta be something else we can do, right?

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO IN QUARANTINE

Turns out, there’s a lot you can do! From the basic to the actually interesting and everything in between, here are the best things you can do to better yourself while stuck at home.

SIDE NOTE: I’m limiting this segment to a Top 10 from now on. In case you didn’t notice, each of these rankings last season had a different number, which while creative was a pain in the ass to come up with every week. So I’m just doing ten from now on. Deal with it.

10. EXERCISE

If you’re going to be stuck inside your home all day, it’s probably best not to just sit on your ass the whole time. I’m saying this as much for myself as I am for all of you. We can still go outside, so take a nice walk while maintaining social distance from anyone you see outside. If you want to remain indoors and watch TV, try doing a round of push-ups, sit-ups, or crunches during commercial breaks. Thanks to Ewing, I know there’s a “See 10 Do 10” push-up challenge on social media right now. My arms still hurt. Anyway, this is a perfect time to get in shape.  

9. JACK OFF

Let’s just rip this bandage off now. We’re all at home, bored, and by ourselves. This is going to happen way more often than it usually would. For those of you lucky enough to have a woman in your life, I imagine this section is going to be a whole lot more enjoyable for you. There are going to be a metric shit ton of babies born in December or early January as a result of these stay at home orders. It’s going to be the biggest baby boom since right after World War II. This of course means “okay boomer” is going to make a comeback in about 60 years. 

8. READ

Every year, I get Dad, Mom, and Gabby each a book for Christmas. This may seem lame, but these bits of literature are weapons in my fight for self-improvement through literacy and getting away from screens. Part of where I honed my writing ability is through reading various styles of literature, absorbing their best parts and learning their weaknesses. Also, people get burned out on reading in college and never go back to it. That’s a damn shame. Pick up a book and actually do something cultural. Plus, you might really learn something for once.  

7. LEARN TO COOK

Having never really had an ability to cook anything, I surprised myself by making a dish for our Super Bowl LIII party. My korean pulled pork tacos killed, so I made them again for my Super Bowl LIV work potluck. They killed again, so now I actually want to try and learn more than one recipe. I’ve been really getting into Binging with Babish on YouTube. He’s got some… creative stuff on there, but also some easy and basic dishes. Now that I finally have time to try out a recipe or two, I just have to fight off the angry mobs to get some milk and eggs.

6. DO SOME SPRING CLEANING

If you want to make yourself feel better about the world around you, one of the best and easiest things you can do is to better your place of comfort. That place is your room, where you immediately go to get some privacy, chill after work, and do item 9 on this list. If that place is messy, dirty, or too much for even you to handle, that comfort you’re seeking is not going to be there. You’re gonna be there for a while, so might as well make it look nice. Also, seeing as we’re in a pandemic, a little bit of cleaning probably wouldn’t be too bad anyway right now.

5. MARVEL AT THE SHAMEFUL STATE OF OUR SOCIETY

When the apocalypse came, I thought the valuable resource people fight over would be water or oil or something like that. But toilet paper? Come on, man. I always think I’d never be surprised by human stupidity or ignorance, then I read a story about how one of the chemicals in a drug being tested to treat coronavirus is a common ingredient in fish tank cleaner, so someone decided to drink a lot of fish tank cleaner. They died. If this were a much worse and deadlier situation, we would be completely fucked based on the reaction of the average person.

4. DEVELOP A HOBBY

Few people know this, but I have an interest in painting. Seriously! I’ve actually done multiple pieces for one member of this league. Both instances came after consuming alcohol, but still. I haven’t completed my latest creation, partially because I got distracted and partially because I accidentally poked a hole in the canvas. My point is, I never knew how much I’d be into painting until I decided to try it. Everyone has something like that, some interest they’ve had for years but never had the time to fully pursue. Guess what? You’ve got plenty of time now. 

3. PLAY VIDEO GAMES

Nintendo must secretly be sort of pleased that there’s a pandemic right now, because so many people are just staying home and playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons (my sister included). While this answer may seem like a cop out, what the hell else is there to do? Video games are about to see a massive spike in popularity because of the shelters in place and I’m all for it. I issued a Smash Bros. Ultimate challenge a couple of years ago and none of you pansies took me up on it. I’m throwing down the gauntlet again, so I can kick your asses at this as well.  

2. DIVE INTO HISTORY

While there may not be any new sports happening right now, there are plenty of sports that have already happened. Networks have been re-airing classic games or events, while some leagues have been uploading full classic games online. There are also a bunch of good sports-related documentaries out there. I got ESPN+ for Christmas, so I have access to the whole 30 for 30 lineup. But there are also plenty of free options available on sites like YouTube. There are still ways out there to scratch that sports itch. These are only a mere few of them.

1. STAY CONNECTED WITH EACH OTHER

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from all this coronavirus shit, it’s that no one is in this fight alone. Staying by yourself and keeping all of this fear and anxiety inside is not good for you. It’s important that we check up on each other. If that’s over just a simply phone call or text, or through one of the avenues listed above like video games, or through those webcam chats that literally everyone is doing right now, it doesn’t matter. What matters is staying connected. We needed to be doing a better job of this anyway, so let’s take care of this now. 

The good news: the past couple of weeks have provided us with an unexpected amount of non-coronavirus related sports news to discuss. Most of that is even about the NFL! So let’s dive into what’s been going, starting with the creation of something even more disgusting than COVID-19.

RAM ME IN THE EYES

What the fuck is this? What the actual shit were the people who spent a lot of money and effort creating this pathetic logo thinking of? You are the most popular NFL team in Los freaking Angeles, the biggest and most media-friendly city this side of New York City. You have a shit ton of cash and resources available to you. You are moving into your brand new $5B stadium and want a big fresh look to mark the occasion. All of that in place… and THAT is what you come up with? That’s it?

This looks like a web browser. It looks like the logo for a Los Angeles fitness center. It looks like the logo for a Division II school in Texas, which apparently it is! It looks like the A in “LA” has a long, grotesque toenail or decided to get a Donald Trump-esque haircut. It looks like the A is halfway through eating a croissant. What it doesn’t look like is a ram, defeating the entire purpose of this re-brand. But it does look like another NFL team: the Chargers, who also happen to be moving into that stadium and have released a new logo.

Why do LA teams want to add something weird to the “A” in their logo? Anyway, this is how you do a re-brand. Take one aspect that’s objectively good (the baby blue color) and amplify it, while cleaning up and efficiently updating everything else. It’s a simple yet effective job. The design team should feel proud of their work.

Fuck the Chargers.

Back to the Rams, whose new logo only looks more like their new roommate’s than theirs, but who didn’t do something the Chargers did. Remember a few years ago when this logo came out and everyone gave the Chargers shit for basically adding a lightning bolt to the Dodgers’ logo? You know what the Chargers did? They realized they fucked up and went back to the drawing board. It paid off big time. A while ago, what would become the new Rams logo got leaked and the internet had a field day roasting it. Everyone had a field day, with many saying there was no way the team would actually use it. How did the Rams look at all of that negative response and say “yep, we’re sticking with this”? What the fuck were they thinking?

The worst part of all this is that another logo is getting completely overshadowed. As part of their re-branding, the Rams also revealed their new secondary logo. This secondary logo looks as good as their primary logo looks bad. It’s a simple, clean, modern version of their classic logo and how it’s not being used as their main image is beyond me.

So to recap: it’s been just over a year since the Rams went to Super Bowl LIII. Since then, they’ve given Jared Goff a four-year deal with $110M (!!!) guaranteed, saw everyone and their mother get hurt, traded yet another 1st round puck for Jalen Ramsey, fallen back down to earth, released what was their franchise RB in current Atlanta Falcon Todd Gurley, pissed off Aaron Donald, and with their new logo made the dumbest decision out of anyone in the NFL this offseason. What must Rams fans be thinking?

CORRECTION: they made the second-dumbest move out of anyone in the NFL this offseason.

BILL O’BRIEN IS AN IDIOT

Twice now in recent memory an NFL trade has left me speechless. The first was the Khalil Mack trade, after which I was only speechless out of pure white hot rage. Then just a few days ago, I was left speechless out of sheer stupidity when I saw that the Texans traded DeAndre Hopkins to the Cardinals for David Johnson and a 2nd round pick (plus a swap of 4th round picks). 

Since then, I’ve tried in vain to find a possible thread of logic for Houston to agree to that deal. I can’t, I just can’t. The Vikings got a 1st in their haul for Stefon Diggs, who’s definitely not as good as Hopkins. Did the Texans just not want to pay Hopkins the money, even though Amari Cooper got $100M from the Cowboys? What the fuck was Bill O’Brien thinking?

I can’t even being to imagine how Texans fans feel. You watch your team blow a 24-0 lead in a playoff game in just ten minutes, thanks in part to idiotic coaching decisions. Then instead of firing that head coach, your team promotes him by adding general manager to his title. Then he trades arguably the best WR in football without even getting a 1st round pick. Then there are reports that he compared that WR to Aaron Hernandez during contract talks. Then your young superstar QB starts putting out Diggs-level cryptic tweets and liking shitposts about him getting traded to the Patriots.

I swear if Deshaun Watson is traded to New England 31 NFL fan bases will actually riot.

But if you think about it, there’s something else NFL fans should be much more upset about.

LET’S MAKE A (BAD) DEAL

The new collective bargaining agreement guarantees ten more seasons of football (unless the coronavirus gives the ultimate middle finger). That’s pretty much the only good part of the CBA.

To say the deal is lopsided towards the owners would be a little misleading. There were definitely some gains for the players: expanded rosters, eliminated suspensions for marijuana, an independent head of discipline, and a greater share of league revenue. But those things pale in comparison to what the owners got, which will have a far greater impact on the game.

Starting this season, seven teams from each conference make the playoffs. One thing that made the NFL’s regular season matter is that the postseason felt exclusive. More than half of all NBA teams make the playoffs each year (tell that to the Kings), while it’ll be exactly half when Seattle joins the NHL soon. The MLB is the most exclusive with just a third of teams, but they’re leaning towards fucking that up with the stupid ass 14-team, highest seed picks their opponent bullshit proposal Rob Manfred created to distract fans from his poor handling of the Astros cheating scandal and lack of punishment of those responsible. Now, the NFL is creeping closer to the halfway point, and for what? If the change was in place last year, the Steelers and Rams would’ve made the playoffs. Do you honestly think Duck Hodges and Jared Goff would’ve done anything in the postseason?

But things really get freaky in 2021, when the long-sought-after 17th game is finally added to the regular season schedule. While this always seemed like an inevitability, it’s not coming with everything I thought it would come with. There’s no extra bye week, only one fewer preseason game. There’s no extra benefits to the players’ medical benefits or fully guaranteed contracts or changes to the franchise tag system. The players are going to be putting their bodies on the line one extra time with no real gain.

The 17th game also proves that owners and league officials will fuck up a perfectly good thing if that means getting a little more TV and ad money. The current (until next year) scheduling system is perfect and efficient, with an annual rotation that keeps everything fresh. The 16 games per team are divided between three divisional opponents (twice), all four teams from one division in the same conference, teams that finished in the same spot in the other two divisions, and all four teams from one division in the other conference. Where is this 17th game going to come from? How are they going to determine the opponent for each team? Is it going to be literally at random? A third matchup with a divisional opponent? Matchups solely based on media hype or regional proximity? There are so many questions that need answering.

Ultimately, it feels like the owners got the players to approve the deal by appealing to the bottom of the talent pool with shiny, short-term gains. Those players just want to get paid, which I honestly can’t get mad at, even if they completely ignored the long term benefits and the lack of bigger fixes. But those issues are going to remain until the players finally get their shit together, create a solid front of resistance with proper ways to help those at the bottom of the food chain during a strike, and swing some leverage back from the owners. I guess we’ll see in ten years.

With the passing of the new CBA, a metric shit ton of moves went down. It feels like a whole offseason’s worth of moves just happened, and we still a month away from the draft. There were also some notable retirements, including Travis Frederick, Luke Kuechly, Marshall Yanda, Eric Weddle, Antonio Gates, and Vernon Davis. I’m not going to cover everything, just some of the bigger happenings, particularly with QBs. Let’s start with the guy everyone’s talking about: the former MVP leaving the only team he ever knew.

A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENED

With how last year ended and the coaching change, it seemed apparent the Cam Newton era in Carolina was coming to an end. With the signings of Teddy Bridgewater and XFL star PJ Walker (more on that league later), we were counting down the days. Now, our counting is over. Newton has officially been released from the Panthers, in a rather unceremonious move. While he is a diva with terrible fashion sense who types in hieroglyphics, Newton also happens to be the best player to ever put on a Panthers jersey. They could’ve given him a bit more of a respectful sendoff, especially with the injuries his tough style of play dealt him over the past two years. 

The timing is a little suspect as well. With those injuries in mind, teams are going to want him to perform physicals, which happen to be a little difficult to do because of the whole global pandemic thing and severe travel restrictions going on right now. There’s also the fact the Carolina released him after pretty much all of the big name QBs were signed or dealt, leaving him with few options. While I’m not certain how much Newton has left in the tank at this point, I’m willing to bet he’ll be pissed off enough to put in at least one more stellar season with his new team.

But enough about Newton. He wasn’t even the biggest QB on the move.

Big Dick Nick is a Bear! Who would’ve thought?

What the hell was Chicago thinking? I know they’re desperate to rid themselves of the Titty Kisser, but come on. Nick Foles is capable of having amazing games while with the Eagles, and all but guaranteed to underperform with all other teams, including Philadelphia. He also has a massive contract that, while being partially retained by the Jaguars, certainly isn’t worth taking on, especially while giving up a 4th round pick.

Could you imagine if the Bears waited like a week? They could’ve gotten Newton for nothing!

Foles certainly isn’t the only notable QB on the move. There’s an aging white signal caller who’s leaving his longtime team to take over the job from a young black QB.

Philip Rivers was considering retirement and fostering a dozen more children (which he may end up doing anyway). But then he decided to give the Colts a shot and see what happens. To me, this move is a little strange. I get that Indianapolis might think Jacoby Brissett is not the answer and better QB play would’ve gotten them to the postseason last year. But Brissett also had to deal with a lot of injuries to himself and the team. Plus, Rivers didn’t exactly light it up like he used to anymore. He sucked last year, getting dominated by the Raiders’ secondary of all teams. But I guess Rivers wants to go out on his own terms, so this will either be an amazing signing for the Colts or set the franchise back a few years. No in-between.

Now, Rivers might not be the old QB you want me to talk about. You’re thinking of the longtime Patriot who set team and league records, right? I got you.

What? Stephen Gostkowski is New England’s all-time leading scorer and the NFL record-holder for most consecutive extra points made. I technically wasn’t lying.

Alright fine, we’ll talk about Tom Brady.

Tom Brady is a Buccaneer. What strange times we live in. While there are some aspects of this decision I completely understand, there are others I simply don’t. The biggest revolves around the burning desire of professional athletes, particularly those whose competitiveness and work ethic drive them to be great. Brady certainly had this in spades, and it helped him go from being picked in the 6th round to winning six Super Bowls. But that drive can often lead athletes to sticking around past their primes, even damaging their legacies a bit.

Let’s take a look at another GOAT: Michael Jordan. Another six-time champion, Jordan got to end his career in the perfect way — a championship-winning shot to clinch a second three-peat. He rode into the sunset on top of the world… only to come back for no goddamn reason to play a couple of years for the Wizards. This did nothing to help his legacy, only hurt it. Everyone pretty much regards Jordan’s years in Washington like the 9th season of Scrubs, by pretending they never happened. Brady has absolutely nothing left to prove. Why potentially damage your legacy by leaving the franchise and city where you are God just to keep playing even though you have SIX GODDAMN RINGS?!? Just retire and live the life of luxury with your supermodel wife.

The team of choice is also a little puzzling. While few teams are ready to compete for a title without a QB, the Buccaneers have more than a few holes, particularly on defense. Now-former starting QB Jameis Winston often kept the team in games last year by being a fucking gunslinger, albeit while also opening a bakery that mass produces turnovers. The story of Tampa Bay might’ve been better last year had Winston threw a few less INTs. Brady definitely won’t be giving the other team the ball as much. However, Brady was far from his usual potent self last year. While Tampa’s WR corps is loaded with guys like Chris Godwin and Mike Evans, Brady might not have the juice to power the offense like Winston did.

Ultimately, Tom Brady is still Tom Brady, and no one can count him out until his body is dead and buried in elimination. With Brady on the Buccaneers, we might finally see whether he can succeed with out Bill Belichick and vice versa. We’ll also get some exciting matchups, including two duels between Brady and Drew Brees. Brady and the Buccaneers will also travel to Las Vegas to face the Raiders in Jon Gruden’s first game against his old team. We’ll also be able to laugh at the Patriots as they (hopefully) finally struggle a little bit. Plus, if Tampa and Indianapolis ever play, the Brady-Rivers images will be our generations version of the Hakeem-Ewing and Jordan-Pippen pictures.

Fun fact: with Crab Legs going elsewhere, Eric Fisher is the only No. 1 pick from the 2010-15 drafts currently on a team. Newton, Winston, and Jadeveon Clowney are free agents, while Sam Bradford and Andrew Luck (still feels weird) are out of the league entirely.

STAT OF THE MONTH

Please sign Jameis, New England. Do it for the memes.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Yeah… this is weird.

I thought I had properly prepared myself for the Raiders’ move to the desert. But when Mark Davis and company officially unveiled the new “Las Vegas” part of the Raiders name, it felt wrong. I know the Raiders haven’t exactly stuck around in one place over their history. But for as long as I’ve been a fan, they’ve been in Oakland, a city which felt integral to the Silver and Black’s identity. The politics and economics surrounding the team’s move from the Bay Area have already been touched on in earlier newsletters and I don’t feel like doing that deep of a dive into everything else. It’s also a little bizarre to root for a team from Nevada. Yes, I am a rabid fan of a baseball team from Boston. Why do you ask? The move also rearranges the alphabetical order of the NFL teams. I’m so used to looking past the “N” teams to see mine and haven’t gotten used to looking at the “L” category first.

This all being said, I think a change of scenery could end up benefiting the Raiders. Las Vegas is a much, much more attractive destination than Oakland, both for fans and free agents. Knowing there’s more than one hole across the Raiders roster, Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden have a lot of work to do. Let’s see how they’ve done so far.

THE GOOD

CORY LITTLETON: Wow. I did not expect the best free agent LB (the position the Raiders most need to address) to sign with the Silver and Black. Littleton has been a rising star and had his best year yet last season. At a not-too-expensive deal, this was the best possible scenario for Las Vegas (man that’s gonna take some getting used to writing).

NICK KWIATKOSKI: What’s better than adding a solid LB? Two solid LBs! While not as prolific as Littleton, Kwiatkoski is nonetheless a sure tackler who proved himself more than capable of stopping offenses while filling in for the injured Danny Trevathan last season. He’s set to serve as the perfect second to Littleton in a suddenly revamped LB corps.

MALIEK COLLINS: An even younger defensive stud, Collins’ ceiling might be even higher than the two players above. Collins had 48 QB pressures last season, which would’ve led the Raiders, even with Maxx Crosby’s ten-sack season. Between Collins, Littleton, Kwiatkoski, Crosby, and Clelin Ferrell (please oh please get better), the defense might not suck.

CARL NASSIB: I don’t like this deal nearly as much as the three above. It’s too pricey for my taste, especially for an okay veteran. But honestly I’ll take anything to bolster the pass rush and Nassib won’t be asked to do too much apart from being a solid depth piece and providing some experience for the young guns. He’s also good in case Ferrell fucks up again. 

MARCUS MARIOTA: After watching teams deal with losses like Andrew Luck, Cam Newton, and Ben Roethlisberger, perhaps Mayock realized it’s more important than ever to have a quality backup QB. Mariota, who honestly might just need a change of scenery, gives the Raiders a much more comfortable option should anything happen to Derek Carr. THE MEH

NICK O’LEARY: While O’Leary certainly has promise — he had solid production with the Jaguars despite their… interesting QB situation last year — this is purely a depth signing. The Raiders have one of the best TEs in football in Darren Waller and a solid backup in Foster Moreau. O’Leary will likely be more used for run blocking than pass catching.

JASON WITTEN: Remember that whole franchise icons who look bizarre in other uniforms thing? That’s definitely going to be the case with Witten. It’s going to be fucking weird seeing .the Cowboys icon in Silver and Black, but thank god the Raiders aren’t relying on him to do anything. Witten just needs to be a good mentor to the three TEs listed above.

JEFF HEATH: Speaking of former Cowboys, Health is an overall solid if not spectacular addition to the secondary. He’s a nice insurance policy in a DB corps now run by Johnathan Abram, Erik Harris, and Lamarcus Joyner. Heath can also be a nice special teams player and, like Witten, provide much-needed veteran experience to this young team.

ERIC KUSH: You can never have too much OL depth, so I’m not going to back this kind of signing unless it’s apparent the player’s essentially a turnstile. I can’t say that about Kush simply because I don’t know that much about him. He’s a veteran, yes. But his career has essentially been the definition of “meh,” so honestly I’ve got nothing here. Deal with it.
THE BAD

ELI APPLE: Apple is certainly talented. That’s about everything positive I can say about him. The former Top-10 pick was sent packing by the Giants after being called a locker room cancer, and things definitely haven’t improved since them. Depending on who the Raiders draft, I could definitely see Apple being cut in training camp. He won’t be the only one.

NELSON AGHOLOR: All that needs to be said about Agholor is that he’s so bad at catching footballs, he got shit from a random guy at the scene of a house fire. Given the lack of other WR additions, it’s more apparent then ever that Vegas is gambling on getting one of the two big weapons — CeeDee Lamb and Jerry Jeudy — in the upcoming draft.

Well, at least the offseason hasn’t been all bad so far.

God fucking damn it.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

Oh… right. There’s never football in March, so there’s fuck all to talk about.

Well shit.

Alright, let’s just expand this to all of sports because there is jack shit going on right now. Since it’s March, let us honor the madness that’s been canceled this year.

ON THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY:  

On March 26, 1979, one of the greatest rivalries in the history of sports began. Before they transformed pro basketball as members of the Boston Celtics and LA lakers, respectively, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson first met on the court in the 1979 NCAA Championship Game. Bird, a senior and the consensus national player of the year, led Indiana State to an undefeated season, narrowly beating Arkansas and DePaul to reach the title game. Michigan State, which featured the sophomore Johnson, had their share of stumbles throughout the season. But they got their shit together and won each of their previous tournament games by double digits, with Johnson in particular going off. These must-see players created a shit ton of hype for the showdown between the Sycamores and Spartans, both going for their first championship. It was a close contest early, with Michigan State focusing on stifling Bird but quickly racking up personal fouls. The Spartans’ shooting improved enough to take a 37-28 lead at halftime and a 50-34 early in the second half. Indiana State fought back, cutting Michigan State’s lead to 52-46 with about ten minutes left to play. But Johnson and Greg Kelser took over from there, as the Spartans took the crown with a 75-64 victory. Johnson led all scorers with 24 points and was named the tournament’s MOP. Kesler added 18 points, while Bird led the Sycamores with a double-double of 19 points and 13 rebounds. But Bird had and Indiana State had a poor shooting night overall, which contributed to their downfall. Outside of the action on the court, the game had a monumental impact on the sport as a whole. The 1979 national title game drew a 24.1 in terms of Nielsen ratings, the highest for a basketball game at any level in American history to this day. The interest in the sport and the two main players in particular were apparent. Johnson and Bird would next head to the NBA, where they faced off a few more times in some relatively minor contests.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1992 — Mike Tyson is sentenced to six years in prison. He would serve three.
• 1982 — A groundbreaking ceremony for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial is held in Washington, D.C.
• 1979 — President Jimmy Carter oversees Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat (no, not the dog) signing the Egypt-Israel Peace Treaty.
• 1973 — UCLA beats Memphis State to win the NCAA Tournament.
• 1972 — The lakers break the NBA wins record with their 69th victory of the season.
• 1971 — East Pakistan declares its independence from Pakistan to form Bangladesh, starting the Bangladesh Liberation War.
• 1952 — Kansas beats St. Johns to win the NCAA Tournament.
• 1949 — Kentucky beats Oklahoma A&M to win the NCAA Tournament.
• 1945 — The Battle of Iwo Jima ends.
• 1934 — The U.K. introduces its driving test.
• 1917 — The Seattle Metropolitans defeat the Montreal Canadiens to win the Stanley Cup Finals. 
• 1915 — The Vancouver Millionaires defeat the Ottawa Senators to win the Stanley Cup Finals.
• 1830 — The Book of Mormon is published.
• 1812 — A political cartoon in the Boston Gazette coins the term “gerrymander.”
• 1484 — The first English translation of Aesop’s Fables is published.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1990 — Choi Woo-shik, actor best known as Yong-guk in Train to Busan and Kim Ki-woo in Parasite.
• 1989 — Von Miller, Denver Broncos LB.
• 1985 — Jonathan Groff, actor/singer who you will know more about soon.
• 1985 — Keira Knightley, actress best known as Elizabeth Swann in the Pirates of the Caribbean film series.
• 1982 — Nate Kaeding, former NFL K who has the harshest Wikipedia bio I’ve ever seen. He apparently works as a kicking consultant with the Minnesota Vikings, which I guess explains a lot. 
• 1973 — Larry Page, co-founder of Google.
• 1972 — Leslie Mann, actress best known for roles in her husband, Judd Apatow’s films.
• 1968 — Kenny Chesney, country singer.
• 1962 — John Stockton, HOF point guard.
• 1960 — Marcus Allen, HOF RB and Raiders legend.
• 1950 — Martin Short, hilarious actor/comedian.
• 1948 — Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith.
• 1944 — Diana Ross, singer/actress considered one of the greatest performers of all time.
• 1943 — Bob Woodward, journalist for the Washington Post whose investigative work with Carl Bernstein led to the resignation of President Richard Nixon due to the Watergate scandal.
• 1940 — Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives.
• 1940 — James Caan, actor best known as Brian Piccolo in Brian’s Song and Sonny Corleone in The Godfather.
• 1934 — Alan Arkin, Academy Award-winning actor whose career spans eight decades.
• 1931 — Leonard Nimoy, Spock.
• 1930 — Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman to serve on the Supreme Court.
• 1911 — Tennessee Williams, legendary playwright whose works include The Glass Menagerie and A Streetcar Named Desire.
• 1881 — Guccio Gucci, founder of the fashion brand Gucci.
• 1874 — Robert Frost, GOAT poet who wrote my favorite poem of all time.

DEATHS:

• 1996 — David Packard, co-founder of Hewlett-Packard.
• 1995 — Eazy-E, rapper and leader of the hip hop group N.W.A.
• 1892 — Walt Whitman, iconic poet/journalist.
• 1827 — Ludwig van Beethoven, legendary composer/pianist.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Spinach Day! Spinach is often lumped in with shit like broccoli and green beans as vegetables kids find disgusting and are forced to eat. This is unfair, because spinach is by far the best tasting one of the bunch. Forget the coronavirus — the real media overhype is about how spinach tastes. I genuinely like spinach, which explains why my forearms are so massive. Or that could be because… well because of another reason. Either way, be like Popeye, kids

.THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

TREVOR NOAH’S ATTEMPT TO IMITATE ITALY’S BALCONY SINGERS IN NEW YORK GOES AWRY

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — “The Daily Show” host is sharing comedy bits online to help alleviate viewers’ anxiety about the coronavirus.

Trevor Noah, seemingly inspired by a video in which some Italians sang in unison over their balconies during the coronavirus lockdown in their country, tried to do the same in New York City.

But “The Daily Show” host received a rude response in the setup comedy bit released Tuesday on YouTube. “Shut the fuck up,” someone can be heard screaming to Noah off-camera as he sings the opening lines of “A Whole New World” from “Aladdin.”

READ MORE

But wait, there’s even more! 

MARCH SADNESS

Writing about the 1979 Magic-Bird game got me feeling nostalgic about the NCAA Tournament. Of the multitude of sporting events impacted by the coronavirus pandemic — MLB Opening Day, the Champions League, the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the Summer Olympics — I think I’m most sad about the fact that March Madness is canceled. Not even postponed, but straight up deleted for 2020. The tournament — especially the first few days — produce some of the most exciting sports moments of the year. The fact we won’t get to add more memories to the vault of college basketball is s shame, especially since this year’s big dance was set to be pretty damn good. There were a bunch of big upsets this season, so any high seed was on upset alert. Dayton of all teams would’ve been a 1-seed, while San Diego State, Florida State, and Seton Hall were having their best seasons in years. Hell, Rutgers was RANKED at one point. Now, all we’re left with is what could have been. So to try and fill the empty hole in our hearts, let’s look back at what was: the best moments from every NCAA Tournament of the past decade. 

2010: BUTLER COMES OH SO CLOSE

Before Brad Stevens and Gordon Hayward became the faces of the Boston Celtics, there were part of a Butler squad that came out of nowhere to come within inches of immortality. After only making the Sweet 16 three times in program history, the Bulldogs broke through in 2010, taking out the likes of Syracuse and Kansas State to become the first mid-major team to advance to the Final Four since UNLV in 1991. After topping Michigan State, Butler squared off against Duke in the championship game, which took place at Lucas Oil Stadium, just a few miles away from their home court in Indianapolis. In a back-and-forth contest, the Blue Devils led 61-59 with just a few seconds left and Brian Zoubek at the line. Zoubek intentionally missed his last free throw, with Hayward collecting the rebound. Hayward dribbled to about half court and fired up a prayer that came shockingly close to going in, bouncing off the backboard and hitting the rim. It would have been the greatest shot ever had it been made. Alas, it was not meant to be.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• 14-seed Ohio and 13-seed Murray State score upsets over Georgetown and Vanderbilt
• Ali Farokmanesh hits one of the ballsiest shots ever against Kansas

2011: CARDIAC KEMBA

During an immortal 11-game run to end UConn’s 2011 season, Kemba Walker basically turned into God. It started in the Big East Tournament, when Walker scored a record 130 points to power UConn to five wins in five straight days. The most memorable moment came when Walker ended Gary McGhee’s life with a disgusting step back jumper at the buzzer to upset No. 3 Pitt. After helping the Huskies clinch the Big East title, Walker continued his astounding play in the NCAA Tournament, advancing to the Final Four by beating Kawhi Leonard’s San Diego State squad and an Arizona team that had just kicked the shit out of defending champ Duke. After topping Kentucky in a preview of the 2014 title game, UConn matched up against the 8-seed Butler, back for another Cinderella run. In what might be the ugliest championship game of all time, Walker and the Huskies did enough to win the title. I’m don’t want to link the highlights, it was that bad. Walker’s game-winner against Pitt was the best moment of the season, anyway.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• 11-seed VCU reaches the Final Four, losing to 8-seed Butler in a historic matchup
• 13-seed Morehead State scores a huge upset over 4-seed Louisville

2012: SWEET 15S

16 is seen as the sweetest number in the NCAA Tournament, but 15 looked pretty good in 2012. For the only time in tournament history, two 15-seeds pulled off upsets over 2-seeds. First up was Norfolk State, who was facing Big XII Tournament champ Missouri. The Tigers were a trendy pick to make the Final Four, but Kyle O’Quinn didn’t give a shit, putting up 26 points and 14 rebounds to help the Spartans knock off Missouri 86-84. Norfolk State’s stunning win should have put all of the big dogs on upset alert. Someone apparently forgot to tell Duke, who was matched up with Lehigh later that same day. To be fair, the Blue Devils took care of mostly everyone on the Mountain Hawks roster. But they forgot about CJ McCollum, who tore Duke a new one with 30 points and led Lehigh to a 75-70 win. It was just the second time in 16 years the Blue Devils had lost their opening round game. While neither 15-seed moved on from the second round, these two upsets more than made up for the lack of parity later on in the tournament. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• 13-seed Ohio defeats 4-seed Michigan and makes a stunning run to the Sweet 16
• Kentucky tops Louisville in an all-Bluegrass State Final Four matchup en route to the title

2013: DUNK CITY TAKES FLIGHT

The early part of the 2013 NCAA Tournament saw a shit ton of upsets. There was at least one win from a team seeded 9-15, including victories by three 12-seeds, 14-seed Harvard, and 13-seed La Salle (who made the Sweet 16). But the Explorers weren’t even the most memorable Cinderella to make it that far. That honor belonged to 15-seed Florida Gulf Coast, whose program was in just its second full year of NCAA eligibility and whose university was just 16 years old. But going up against a school and a team with much more history in the 2-seed Georgetown, the Eagles didn’t care. They quite literally took flight with a fun above-the rim offense that produced several highlight reel dunks and ended up topping the Hoyas 78-68. Florida Gulf Coast followed that up with a 81-71 win over 7-seed San Diego State, becoming the first ever 15-seed to reach the Sweet 16. Although their run would end against 3-seed Florida, the Eagles forever left their mark on the tournament with their enjoyable play and sweet, sweet jams.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Wichita State makes an unexpected run to the Final Four
• Trey Burke hits a clutch three from Steph Curry range against Kansas

2014: DOGS AND DUNKS

Speaking of dunks, look at this picture from the 2014 title game. Kentucky’s James Young is so far away from the basket and surrounded by UConn defenders. There’s no way Young even comes close to scoring on this play. No so fast, my friends. Young somehow stuffed this ball into the hoop for one of the most impressive in-game dunks I’ve ever seen. It left everyone speechless, except for the screaming of course. Unfortunately for the Wildcats, this was pretty much their only good moment from that game, as the Huskies led throughout en route to their second championship in four years. Led by Shabazz Napier (the last remnant from the 2011 championship team), the Huskies became the first ever 7-seed to win the NCAA Tournament, with the combined seeds (15) being the highest in title game history. The record was previously held by… 2011’s championship between UConn and Butler (11). At least Kentucky got to see Aaron Harrison rip the hearts out of Michigan and Wisconsin en route to the title game.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• 14-seed Mercer upsets Duke and Stephen F. Austin uses a four-point play to stun VCU
• Dayton beats Ohio State in the Battle of Ohio en route to the Elite Eight

2015: 38 AND OH NO

After unexpectedly reaching the title game the previous year, Kentucky was seen as the team to beat heading into the 2014-15 season. Unfortunately for everyone else, it seemed no one could beat them. With a roster stacked with players like Karl-Anthony Towns, Devin Booker, Willie Cauley-Stein, and Trey Lyles (four of the top 13 picks in the 2015 NBA Draft), the Wildcats stormed through their schedule, going undefeated in the regular season and winning the SEC tournament to amass a 34-0 record. Aiming to be the first undefeated champion since the 1975-76 Indiana Hoosiers, Kentucky rolled to the Final Four, where they faced a pissed off Wisconsin team. The Badgers were out for revenge, after falling to the Wildcats in the previous Final Four thanks to Aaron Harrison’s dagger (linked above). Despite trailing late, Sam Dekker, Nigel Hayes, and Frank Kaminsky led a rally that propelled Wisconsin to a 71-64 win, ending Kentucky’s bid for a perfect season at 38-1 and sending the Badgers to their first title game in 74 years.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• 14-seeds Georgia State and UAB upset 3-seeds Baylor and Iowa State, respectively
• Wichita State beats Kansas in a Sunflower State grudge match

2016: JENKINS AT THE BUZZER

The 2016 National Championship Game was one of the best college basketball games of all time and had, in my opinion, the greatest ending in college basketball history. Villanova and North Carolina went toe-to-toe throughout the contest, with the Wildcats taking a ten-point lead with less than five minutes remaining. But the Tar Heels rallied, cutting the lead to one with just over a minute to play. After a pair of free throws put Villanova up 74-71, North Carolina was down to its last chance. Marcus Paige hit an incredible, off-balance, double-clutch three to tie the game with less than five seconds left. Unfortunately for Paige, he was about to join the likes of Jermaine Kearse, Julio Jones, and Larry Fitzgerald in the “had an all-time play that got overshadowed” club. Ryan Arcidiacono found Kris Jenkins, who hit a buzzer-beating three to give Villanova its first championship since 1985. It was also the first buzzer-beater to win a national title since Lorenzo Charles’ dunk for NC State in 1983. It was a truly iconic moment. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Northern Iowa clutches it out against Texas and shits the bed against Texas A&M
• 15-seed Middle Tennessee and 14-seed Stephen F. Austin score huge upsets

2017: THE STREAK IS SNAPPED

The UConn women’s basketball program created one of the greatest dynasties in the history of sports. After seeing their 90-game win streak snapped and going a whole two years without a title, the Huskies got back on track, winning four straight championships from 2013-16 — two in undefeated seasons. Once again unbeaten, UConn entered the 2017 Final Four having lost just one game in the past 48 months and riding an unfathomable 111-win streak, by far the longest in college basketball history. Everyone expected two more wins and a fifth national title, but Mississippi State apparently didn’t get the memo. The Bulldogs kept pace with the Huskies throughout all four quarters and overtime. Tied at 64, Mississippi State ran the clock down on their last possession, before Morgan William hit a jumper at the buzzer to cancel win No. 112 and bring an end to the UConn dynasty. It seemed like it would take an incredible effort to finally take down UConn, and Mississippi State did just that to prove they were the top dog.  

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Chris Chiozza sends Florida to the Elite Eight
• Luke May answers Malik Monk’s game-tying three with a game-winner

2018: UMBC MAKES HISTORY

Welcome to “Why Ruben Hates Virginia” Part 1! The Cavaliers were the consensus top team going into the 2018 tournament, though their chances to win the title took a hit when De’Andre Hunter fractured his wrist just before the first round. Nevertheless, not only did I think Virginia would do well, I stubbornly picked them to win the whole thing. But they didn’t just not win the title, they didn’t even win a single game. The 16-seed UMBC Retrievers, who were making just their second tournament appearance in history, kept pace with the 1-seed Cavaliers through the first half. Then, the better team woke up in the second half and pulled away. However, the better team proved to be those pesky retrievers, who shockingly tore the best defense in college basketball a new one. Virginia, who gave up an average of 53.4 points per game, allowed 53 points in the second half as UMBC won 74-54, becoming the first 16-seed to upset a 1-seed in tournament history. It was an all-time classic moment, and it came at my expense.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Which dagger was better, Arike Ogunbowale’s or Jordan Poole’s?
• Loyola Chicago’s insane run to the Final Four

2019: VIRGINIA’S REDEMPTION

Welcome to “Why Ruben Hates Virginia” Part 2! How can you possibly redeem yourself after the ultimate humiliation of losing to a 16-seed? Win your first ever national championship the next year, of course! Virginia was on a mission last season, marching through the first three rounds before nearly falling to Purdue in the Elite Eight. But Mamadi Diakite forced OT at the buzzer and the Cavaliers rallied to win. Virginia would then beat Auburn and Texas Tech to complete the ultimate redemption arc. However, that Auburn game had other, personal stakes. A year after a Virginia loss doomed my bracket, I needed the Cavaliers to fall in the Final Four to win my work bracket pool and the $300 grand prize. The Tigers were in place to net me my money, but the refs called a last second foul on Samir Doughty for breathing on Kyle Guy during a three-point shot. Guy made all three free throws and the money was lost. First, Virginia fucks me over by losing. Then, they fuck me over by winning. Fuck Virginia… bastards.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Zion Williamson vs. Tacko Fall lives up to the hype
• Baylor wins the women’s title in dramatic fashion

THIS WAS (STILL IS?) THE XFL

When Vince McMahon announced he was reviving his infamous XFL, few people thought it would work. The original XFL lasted just one season way back in 2001, partially because the WWE-style gimmicks and advertising of a tougher league fell flat because the quality of play was abysmal. The current XFL also began amid the failure of the Alliance of American Football (AAF), which folded partially through its only season due to poor play (Orlando Apollos notwithstanding), lack of viewership, and terrible financial management. Given the new XFL would only have a ten-game schedule and feature franchises mostly located in cities with NFL teams, as well as the fact that no other football league (including the USFL and UFL) had ever held a candle to the NFL, it seemed the XFL was doomed to failure.

But then a funny thing happened — the XFL became good. Contrary to pretty much every other football league (including its former self), the XFL didn’t try to compete with the NFL. It immediately recognized that, at least in the near future, the NFL was indomitable. The XFL got former and current NFL players to do analysis, broadcasting, and sideline reporting. They openly showed the NFL history of its players and embraced that they would try to do well in the XFL so they could get back to the NFL. By not marketing themselves as a direct competitor to the NFL, the XFL managed to save itself from a big chunk of criticism.

This doesn’t mean the XFL was set to be a carbon copy of the NFL. Far from it, in fact. The XFL made some small, yet significant changes to the rule book. The most notable was kickoffs, which saw the blockers start just five yards apart, eliminating the big, potentially harmful hits that cause concussions and other injuries while still keeping the exciting possibility for TDs realistic. Touchbacks and penalties for punts/kickoffs that went out of bounds were also penalized more harshly. The play clock was cut to 25 seconds and changes were made to stop the clock during the final two minutes of each half. The extra point was eliminated altogether, with options to run a play worth one, two, or three points depending on where the ball was spotted. Overall, these changes encouraged fast, exciting game play. They also felt much less like gimmicks and more like innovations.

Perhaps the biggest innovation came from not the actual gameplay, but from something every football fan despises: the officiating. Particularly, the review process that has become notorious in the NFL. The XFL became incredibly more transparent by allowing referees and replay officials to be mic’d up, letting fans hear the logic behind their decisions instead of leaving the process as a mystery. This transparency was put to the test after the Houston-Seattle game, which was called over despite there clearly being time left on the clock. Whereas the NFL would either ignore it or put out some BS statement protecting the refs, the XFL straight up admitted they fucked up, apologized, and reassigned the official responsible. Fucking amazing.

The biggest crime by other failed leagues was poor play. For various reasons, leagues felt the need to rush their competition and try to capitalize on good press. This lef to teams not being prepared and more bad play/injuries. The XFL began play two whole years after it was announced, giving its teams plenty of time to know the playbook. The long time was also due to the fact that McMahon had a significant amount of cash backing up the league, allowing for more practice time and resources. While the quality of play was naturally not as good as in the NFL, the XFL’s games were far superior to those in the AAF.

All of this led to a shocking revelation: the XFL was fun. Between quality game play and rules that allowed for exciting action, the XFL drew in fans and supporters in unexpected droves. The XFL’s efforts weren’t going for nothing for another big reason: people could actually watch the games. The vast majority of AAF games weren’t on cable, with most on CBS Sports, TNT, and the NFL network. By contrast, the XFL could be seen on ESPN, ABC, and FOX. The viewership drove more media attention, which in turn made the league even more popular.

What also endeared the XFL to fans was that it embraced the weird. This was the one area where the league intended to serve as a contrast to the straight-laced NFL. With the sideline player interviews, the chances for an f-bomb were non-zero. The official XFL Twitter account also regularly joked with and chatted with fans, albeit with some “how do you do, fellow kids?” attitude. But nothing compared to the beer snakes, apparently native to Washington, D.C. Not only did the XFL allow this to go on, but it also put out stats about the beer snake afterwards. Commissioner Oliver Luck even contributed to the beer snake. All of this created good vibes that made it seem like the XFL would indeed prosper. I even bought tickets to see the Battlehawks-Vipers game on my doomed drip to St. Louis.

Unfortunately, that game and many others wouldn’t happen. COVID-19 doesn’t give a shit about good vibes, as the major sports leagues all halted their seasons due to the outbreak in the U.S. The XFL initially planned on playing without fans, but decided to also press pause after a member of the Dragons tested positive for coronavirus. With its overall short schedule, the league ultimately decided to cancel the rest of the season, while still paying players their full salary and allowing them to sign with NFL teams. Ironically, despite being a far superior product than the AAF, the new XFL didn’t even last as long. This was due to reasons completely out of its control, but life isn’t fair. It’s an unfortunate end to something that seemed like it was going to be special. Still, this is the end of the XFL…

… or is it? For any other middling league to get its legs taken our from underneath it in its first season, I’d say yes. But something about this version of the XFL makes me think differently. As I mentioned, the XFL has much more solid financial and media standing than those other leagues. They’ve committed to returning in 2021 and I genuinely believe they have a shot to do so. The biggest concern is whether all of this good will they’ve earned can carry over a whole year. It would’ve been tough enough had the XFL been able to play out the full season. Doing it now is a herculean task. But I have something I never thought I’d have two months ago: faith in the XFL. I hope to see it again next year, back and better than ever. Do it for the beer snakes.

ONE LAST THING

Just a few weeks before everything stopped in its tracks, I got a call from Dad. While I was expecting something like “how was work?” or “can you believe [insert sports thing]?” from him, he instead asked if I wanted to go see the musical Hamilton. I’m a history buff and have seen a few musicals in my lifetime, so I figured what the hell. While it was something I had wanted to see for a few years, I didn’t think it would happen for a while, given the expense and rarity of tickets. So I said yes, and Dad said okay. The following night, he called back and said he had a friend with access to tickets. That friend had two for the next day’s show. So just like that, those tickets were ours and we saw the best musical of our generation.

I think my review of Hamilton can be summed up with the “these mfs spittin” meme, both figuratively and literally. Our seats were four rows up from the stage — we couldn’t even see the stage floor while sitting down. Every single drop of spit the actors threw out was clearly visible. But those lyrics were fire, those actors phenomenal, and the writing fantastic. 10/10. Did I mention the music? It was incredible and incredibly catchy.  

Does that mean another Top 10 list? Yes it does

.TOP 10 SONGS FROM HAMILTON

This won’t be controversial at all. I feel like you could make arguments for every song being in the Top 10. But because these ten had the biggest impact on me and I am the one making this list, these are the lucky ones. 

10. ALEXANDER HAMILTON

The first song of the show sets the tone perfectly. While introducing us to the main character (and the song’s namesake) along with most of the major players, it also demonstrates the kind of unique music we’ll be listening to for the next few hours. Right away, we know this is going to be one hell of a unique history lesson about (as mentioned above) a man who played a major role in shaping our nation yet somehow flew under the radar until now. Interestingly, Alexander Hamilton himself has the fewest lines of everyone heard in the song called “Alexander Hamilton.” 

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a

Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a
Forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence
Impoverished, in squalor
Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?”  

9. ONE LAST TIME

George Washington was my second-favorite character of the entire cast. Throughout the show, he had the perfect amount of presence and authority, without showing any vanity or greed (unlike another George we’ll get to later). Washington was the perfect role model and leader, which is why him voluntarily relinquishing power was so important to our democracy. “One Last Time” demonstrates all of this while giving Washington one last chance to kick absolute ass and make his mark on the country. He does so with flying colors, exiting stage left with a bang.

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“One last time

The people will hear from me
One last time
And if we get this right
We’re gonna teach ’em how to say goodbye!”  

8. BURN

To my knowledge, I have thankfully never been cheated on in my life. But thanks to “Burn,” I’ve got a pretty good grasp how it feels. In the wake of the revelation of her husband’s infidelity, Eliza Hamilton pours out her grief and anger in powerful, haunting performance. She quite literally burns her happy memories of Alexander and hides her place in history, which happens to go against one of the main themes of the musical. Just one of two (pretty much) solo songs on this list, it’s also probably on every millennial woman’s “breakup” playlist now. 

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“I’m erasing myself from the narrative

Let future historians wonder how Eliza
Reacted when you broke her heart
You have torn it all apart
I am watching it
Burn!”  

7. NON-STOP

How do you write like you’re running out of time? I personally have plenty of practice doing that with the nature of my job, so I can relate to Alexander Hamilton, minus the whole trying to build the foundation for a new country thing. “Non-Stop” shows off Hamilton’s motive and personality perfectly, while also giving glimpses of the other characters’ perception of the whirlwind he makes for himself. Granted, the work was necessary. But it would also cost Hamilton a great deal, as we would find out later. There are also some nice callbacks to other songs in there.  

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“How do you write like tomorrow won’t arrive?

How do you write like you need it to survive?
How do you write every second you’re alive
Every second you’re alive, every second you’re alive?”  

6. SATISFIED

One of those songs is “Satisfied,” which immediately follows “Helpless” and its tale of Alexander’s courtship of Eliza. Quite literally rewinding time, we realize Eliza’s sister, Angelica, harbors deep feelings for Alexander. Once she realizes her sister also loves him, Angelica lets him go, even though her personality is much more in-sync with Alexander’s than Eliza. It completely undercuts all of the happy feelings the previous song created with a gut punch of regret and longing that will never be healed. Like her sister in “Burn,” Angelica is hauntingly good in this one.

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“So this is what it feels like to match wits

With someone at your level, what the hell is the catch?
It’s the feeling of freedom, of seeing the light
It’s Ben Franklin with a key and a kite
You see it, right?”  

5. YORKTOWN (THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN)

After being punished with a trip home, Alexander Hamilton is called back to the Continental Army and finally given command of his own troops. It’s a moment the audience has been waiting for, and it turns the tide of the Revolutionary War. Hamilton is hyped up, as are guys like Marquis de Lafayette and my boy Hercules Mulligan. This is also the song depicting the end of the war and the colonies’ victory, so naturally every red-blooded American listening feels a sense of pride. The song also sets up the theme for the rest of the show: we won. Now what?

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“See, that’s what happens when you up against the ruffians

We in the shit now, somebody gotta shovel it!
Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction
When you knock me down I get the fuck back up again!”  

4. WAIT FOR IT

Throughout the show, Aaron Burr serves as the anti-Alexander Hamilton, one showing patience and a knack for letting things fall into place before acting. In “Wait for It,” we finally get a glimpse into Burr’s reasoning and personality. We also realize that Burr secretly admires Hamilton and his boldness, yet still holds onto his principles. This is the first time we get to see Burr shine, and he does so with flying colors. The song also delivers what might be the best lines in the whole show — the first stanza I listed below. I also really hope I used the word “stanza” correctly.

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“Love doesn’t discriminate

Between the sinners and the saints
It takes, and it takes, and it takes
And we keep loving anyway!”  

3. YOU’LL BE BACK

I fucking love King George III. He’s my favorite character in the entire musical. What Hamilton did with the English monarch was absolutely perfect. His entire purpose is to be an over-the-top comedic troll to contrast the powerful, moving Americans fighting against him. “You’ll Be Back” is the first time we hear from King George, and it’s not the last. It’s also so damn catchy. I caught myself humming the “da da da dat da” part for like a week straight. Fun fact: King George’s Broadway actor, Jonathan Groff, also voiced Kristoff in Frozen. Small world, right?  

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“Oceans rise, empires fall

We have seen each other through it all
And when push comes to shove
I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love!”

2. THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS

This is where Aaron Burr finally cracks. “The Room Where It Happens” shows how Alexander Hamilton and his Virginian foes, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, made the deal that made Washington, D.C. the nation’s capital and gave Hamilton his sought-after financial plan. Having missed out on his chance to put his imprint on history, Burr’s trademark patience evaporates. For the rest of the show, Burr does whatever it takes to be a decision-maker, setting himself opposed to Hamilton and leading to their final confrontation at the very end.

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game

But you don’t get a win unless you play in the game
Oh, you get love for it. You get hate for it
You get nothing if you… Wait for it, wait for it, wait!”  

1. MY SHOT

“My Shot” is pure, unadulterated hype. This is Alexander Hamilton’s first chance to show off as he introduces himself to his fellow future revolutionary figures. He illustrates his philosophy of seizing the moment and not throwing away his shot at making history. That single line sets the tone for Hamilton’s character and his actions throughout the show. Without spoiling anything, the one time Hamilton actually does throw away his shot leads to his ultimate demise. Also, Hamilton does the finger point pose (the musical’s logo) at the very end, so bonus points there.

FAVORITE LYRICS: 

“Hey yo, I’m just like my country

I’m young, scrappy, and hungry
And I am not throwing away my shot!”  

Wicked was still better, though.

Anyway, see you fuckers on draft day… I hope.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Reigning Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness