Ruben's Writings

As the days go by, the more it becomes apparent just how different everything is and how these changes are going to be around for a while.

My original prediction for when everything would start going back to normal was the first half of June. I still think that’s when social distancing guidelines will largely subside and basic public activities will be allowed to resume. That’s if the virus doesn’t spread further thanks to the Karens and wannabe nazi idiots who’ve been protesting stay-at-home orders across the country. Or if NFL QBs had more space to work out in their fucking mansion. Every state is different than the rest. As California, New York, and Washington try to keep their numbers down, states like Georgia and Tennessee are starting to reopen their economies. But even when all states are back open, things won’t be back to normal for a long time, if we can even get back to normal.

Because it’s us, let’s take a look at sports as an example.

In the past month, we’ve gotten nowhere closer to finding out when sports will come back. The NBA, the first league to halt play, is thinking of a wide range of options. Things like playing in a centralized location and having every team make the playoffs in a massive bracket have been discussed, as has canceling the rest of the season altogether. I actually trust the NBA to make the most intelligent decision out of all the big leagues. Not only is Adam Silver the best commissioner in sports, but he knows not to fuck around with the fate of his players, especially after the heartbreaking death of Jacqueline Cruz, mother of Timberwolves center Karl-Anthony Towns, at the hands of COVID-19. The MLB, which hasn’t even begun its season, has floated out ideas that are more batshit crazy than the last. From playing every game in Arizona with teams living in quarantine to realigning the divisions to reduce travel, I can’t tell if Rob Manfred’s proposals are trying to save baseball or destroy it, which I guess is pretty much in line with his time as commissioner. 

(Speaking of, I fucking told you all the Red Sox weren’t nearly as bad as the Astros. Nothing happened in the 2018 postseason. The 2018 World Series, which again I saw Boston clinch in person, is completely valid. Eat your heart out, Nick.)

The only major competition to give a definitive (yet still experimental) return date is the PGA, which wants the current tour season to resume on June 14 with the Charles Schwab Challenge. If you think about it, golf seems like the easiest sport this side of cross country to be played while social distancing. The only person you’d need to get close to is your caddie. But even then, the schedule will be condensed and bizarre. The Open Championship has been outright canceled, while the Masters and U.S. Open have been pushed back to November and September, respectively. Technically, they’re not even part of the current tour season. The PGA Championship (to be played as of now in San Francisco) is set for August as the only major in the 2019-20 season. That’s fucking weird.

But at least those athletes will have leagues to come back to. Against my best wishes, it appears the XFL is dead… again. Earlier this month, the league suspended day-to-day operations, laid off its employees, filed for bankruptcy, and put itself up for sale. Of all the middling spring football leagues to come about, this was by far the most popular and on track to be the most successful. Yet it was stopped in its tracks by something completely out of its control. The new XFL didn’t even last longer than the AAF, which is incredibly fucked up. Somewhere, the Orlando Apollos and Houston Roughnecks are battling it out for the best spring football team of all time whose league didn’t even last a full season. Spring football is cursed.

However, it’s not the most cursed thing in sports, and no I’m not talking about the [insert Browns/Bills/Vikings/Bengals/Lions/Chargers/Falcons here]. I’m talking about the most cursed matchup in UFC history. Khabib Nurmagomedov (lightweight champion) and Tony Ferguson (former interim champion) had been scheduled to fight four different times over the past four years. But each time — due to (in order) a rib injury by Khabib, a lung issue by Ferguson, weight cut issues by Khabib, and a knee injury by Ferguson — it didn’t happen. The bout was scheduled for a fifth time at UFC 249 (which was supposed to take place last weekend) and both fighters were for once in good health. But then the pandemic happened and international borders were closed, leaving Khabib stuck in his home of Russia and unable to compete. UFC President Dana White tried to press on with a new opponent for Ferguson and plans to host fights at a mysterious location. But then people like Governor Gavin Newsom and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told him no, so White postponed all future UFC events indefinitely.

If/when sports does come back, it will look far from normal for a while. College football offseason preparations need to start soon and students aren’t even allowed on campus. When asked about the possibility of sports coming back in the summer or fall, America’s Doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, had some strict conditions. No fans in attendance. Players and coaches living in hotels. Weekly testing. That’s not exactly ideal, and that’s the best case scenario at this point. I’m going to be honest, I don’t believe major sporting events in the U.S. will take place with fans until 2021. That is… an insanely difficult pill to swallow. But quite frankly, it’s one I’m willing to live with. I am literally going crazy without live sports. I can’t take these fucking sports video game competitions and stupid ass HORSE contests through poor quality webcams. I need sports. If that means it has to come without cheers, so be it.

Of course, the NFL is not immune to the coronavirus. COVID-19 has claimed the life of NFL legend Tom Dempsey, the half-footed K whose 63-yard FG in 1970 stood as the longest in league history for 43 years. Sean Payton was already the first NFL figure to test positive, but two players — Brian Allen and Von Miller — have since been infected. The bigger name obviously is Miller, who not only contracted the virus despite barely leaving his house, but also has asthma. The coronavirus is especially dangerous to those with respiratory issues. With the reality of players becoming infected and the aforementioned fan concerns, the NFL certainly has a lot to consider about making changes to its upcoming season. Granted, that’s still several months away. But it’s still a little off-putting to see the NFL have a stubborn instance that all is well when clearly it isn’t. Still, it seems the NFL dodged a bullet, one that will no doubt piss off Dad, Gee, Taylor, Jimmy, and all other 49ers fans.

Think back to nearly three months ago, to Hard Rock Stadium in Miami. The San Francisco 49ers had just taken a 20-10 lead in Super Bowl LIV and were just a few minutes away from their sixth Lombardi Trophy. Then they pulled a Kyle Shanahan and let the fucking Kansas City Chiefs win the title. As disappointed as 49ers fans were, consider that health experts say a San Francisco victory might’ve led to a massive coronavirus outbreak in the Bay Area that makes the current situation look like amateur hour. How? Well, if the 49ers hadn’t massively choked away the game, their victory tour would’ve drawn hundreds of thousands of people. While the virus wasn’t nearly as widespread is it is now, California was one of the first states to see significant amounts of cases, with two already confirmed in Santa Clara County at that point. Who knows how many people unknowingly had it at the time and how fast the virus could’ve spread among the revelers? It could’ve been genuinely disastrous, with the virus spreading even faster in Northern California. Oh and Kansas City, by the way, didn’t see its first case until a month and a half after their parade. All things considered, it’s for the benefit of humanity that San Francisco lost yet another Super Bowl. I guess there’s a silver lining, right guys? I’m probably not allowed to visit Dad after this.

Anyway, enough about the past. The future of football is here, in the form of the NFL Draft. Much like everything else, the draft has been forced to change due to social distancing guidelines. The draft will take place online, with Roger Goodell announcing each pick from the basement of his New York home. If you want an idea of how weird this will be, check out what happened with the WNBA. 

Last week, the WNBA held its own draft in a format that’s gonna look pretty similar to football fans after today. Each top prospect and their families were livestreaming from their home and commissioner Cathy Engelbert announced each pick from her place, holding up a jersey each time. Players were interviewed by ESPN hosts via Zoom. It was pretty much the best they could do given the circumstances. Yet it just looked so fucking bizarre. Now imagine a draft three times larger and infinitely more popular being run by old, technology deficient white men. This is gonna be a clusterfuck.

The best part? The Raiders and 49ers are going to be picking during my show, which means I’ll be having live hits at a random time — likely around 7:30. That’s when we’re having a live interview with Mayor Darrell Steinberg. I’ve got to juggle all of that while being watched by my bosses during the first day of sweeps. My nerves will be, to put it mildly, shot tonight. I guess it’s time to finally down that mini bottle of Jack Daniels I got at work the other day.

(cue theme music)

MAKING A MOCKERY

I’ve got another confession to make: I’ve never done a mock draft before. Fantasy football mock drafts don’t count. I mean guessing which top college football prospects will be selected by NFL teams. However, given that we have literally nothing else to talk about besides the coronavirus and that I need a centerpiece for the newsletter that’s not the completely ridiculous thing later on which takes up more than a third of everything, I figured what the hell.

I would rather catch COVID-19 than do a full on, seven-round mock draft. But I will tackle the 1st round. I also don’t have any hypothetical trades in my mock draft. My reasoning is based on two things. 1: Given all of the uncertainty surrounding this draft and the technology all of these older GMs are going to have to use to navigate everything, I think everyone’s gonna play it safe. Maybe we’ll have a crazy trade in the days or weeks after, but I don’t think it’ll happen on draft day, even with the new “stop the clock” rule being put in place for this year. 2: I don’t want to do all of that work to think up trades.

But apparently ya’ll are going crazy with it. If you haven’t looked at the projections most of us have put in for Jimmy’s Le Quarantine Draft pool, there’s some wild shit. Kyle and Nick have three QBs going in the Top 5. Taylor has Tua Tagovailoa failing to New England at 23 (heaven help us if that happens). Every single Raiders fan had Las Vegas taking a WR (yes we need some good juju). Richard… must’ve been smoking rocks when he cooked up his mock draft. 27 TRADES?!?!? I honestly hope that happens, because this would be the most entertaining draft of all time. Of course, some people listed different positions than what they are for certain players to try to hedge their bets. But seeing as I prefer my mock draft to not be dyslexic, I played it straight up. Shoutout to Kyle for putting all of those charts and stats together nicely and in an impressively short time.

Anyway, without further ado, the first ever Ruben Dominguez Mock Draft. I can’t wait to see how differently things turn out today.

1. BENGALS: Joe Burrow (QB, LSU) — In the shocker of the draft, Cincinnati selects the QB who put together the greatest passing season in college football history and is the consensus pick to be drafted first. I don’t believe in being contrarian for contrarian’s sake. Let’s move on.

2. REDSKINS: Chase Young (DE, Ohio State) — The first selection of the Ron Rivera era in Washington is an easy one: the guy everyone believes is the best defensive player in the draft. Unlike the last time this team chose second, I don’t think this pick will end up being a bust. 

3. LIONS: Jeff Okudah (CB, Ohio State) — The best DB in the draft goes to a team which definitely needs all the defensive help they can get. Detroit’s offense (when healthy) wasn’t the problem last year. This pick will won’t fix everything, but it will certainly do a lot to help out.

4. GIANTS: Isaiah Simmons (LB, Clemson) — This guy is classified as a LB, but he can play everywhere from the defensive line to the secondary. New York can use that versatility to great advantage. They also just signed the perfect mentor for the LB position in Blake Martinez.

5. DOLPHINS: Tua Tagovailoa (QB, Alabama) — Despite all the hype and speculation over potential trades and Miami taking another QB instead, there’s just no way I can see them making a different pick. Too much has gone into the tank to fumble it away now, as funny as it would be.

6. CHARGERS: Justin Herbert (QB, Oregon) — Los Angeles would be stupid not to take a QB in this draft, so why not go for arguable the second-best one of the bunch? However, I don’t think he’ll be successful in the NFL, which is also why I want him to be taken with this exact pick.

7. PANTHERS: Derrick Brown (DT, Auburn) — After one hell of an offseason in Carolina, there are plenty of questions and holes to fill in the roster. The majority of those holes are on defense, so why not take the monster DT who could possibly end up being the next Julius Peppers? 

8. CARDINALS: Tristan Wirfs (OT, Iowa) — Arizona just robbed Houston blind for a shiny new WR, so they need to protect the QB throwing the ball to him. There are plenty of OL prospects available this year, so these selections could be easily swapped. I like this guy going first.

9. JAGUARS: CeeDee Lamb (WR, Oklahoma) — Why must I make myself shit my pants by having one of the two WRs I want my team to select taken just a few picks early? Jacksonville just went all in on Gardner Minshew, so they should probably get him some nice weapons.

10. BROWNS: Mekhi Benton (OT, Louisville) — I don’t care about the rumored fake drug test — or the love of cooking for that matter. Laremy Tunsil’s smoke shadow will play a big factor in this particular case. But if he ends up being a bust, it should naturally be Cleveland suffering.

11. JETS: Jedrick Wills (OT, Alabama) — I could easily see this pick being in the Top 10, and it might’ve been had I not been too lazy to change the pictures above, which I made a week ago. But I didn’t and New York needs a lineman, so 11th overall will have to do in this instance.

12. RAIDERS: Jerry Jeudy (WR, Alabama) — Please for the love of god let this happen. If I had to pick a WR for Las Vegas to take, I’d go for the incredible route runner over the more athletic and explosive player. We need a new WR 1, and this pick will do nicely. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

13. 49ERS: Henry Ruggs (WR, Alabama) — The third straight Crimson Tide player and second straight WR taken draws an interesting parallel with his former teammate now in Silver and Black. San Francisco could’ve used another deep threat for Jimmy G to overthrow in the Super Bowl.

14. BUCCANEERS: Andrew Thomas (OT, Georgia) — The last of my Top 15 OTs, I have no other reason for him to go exactly here other than feeling or possibly the affects of the Modelo I just finished off. I do know though that Tampa Bay should protect their new future HOF QB.

15. BRONCOS: Tee Higgins (WR, Clemson) — Denver needs a new WR, but the Top 3 options have just been taken off the board. There’s some debate over who’s the leader of the “next best group,” which probably won’t be the guy I picked. Whoever it is, I don’t hope they do well. 

16. FALCONS: K’Lavon Chaisson (LB, LSU) — Atlanta needs help on the defensive line and the secondary, so they have a lot of options here. But I’ll go with the edge, where this pick will end up lining up in the NFL. Anything to help them not blow another big lead in the clutch.

17. COWBOYS: Cesar Ruiz (C, Michigan) — I feel like Dallas would’ve gone defense (which they still might do) had Travis Frederick not retired. This is very much a pick made by need rather than talent, so let’s go with the overall best C in a comparatively weak class as a whole.

18. DOLPHINS: Xavier McKinney (SS, Alabama) — Florida’s back, and this time they’re here for defense. Miami has a big need at the top of their secondary, which can be filled by much worse players than one of the leaders of arguably college football’s best defense of the past year.

19. RAIDERS: Jordan Love (QB, Utah State) — Welp. Look, I just don’t have faith in Derek Carr anymore. Marcus Mariota isn’t exactly being hailed as a savior, either. Let this guy ride the bench and be groomed as the future for Las Vegas when Carr inevitably shits the bed yet again.

20. JAGUARS: Javon Kinlaw (DT, South Carolina) — Jacksonville needs a lot of help on the defensive side of the ball, especially with the departure of Calais Campbell. A guy who’s been one of the SEC’s most consistent yet underrated defenders can fill in some of the gaps.

21. EAGLES: Justin Jefferson (WR, LSU) — The obvious best WR still available fills a huge need for Philadelphia. My hope is that the only thing he doesn’t catch is the injury bug that left literally everyone on the team hurt last season. How the hell did they make the playoffs?

22. VIKINGS: C.J. Henderson (CB, Florida) — Minnesota has two big needs in the draft. Seeing as the best option for one of those holes has just been taken one pick before, they’ll probably go with the other. However, the second-best CB in the draft isn’t a bad consolation prize. 

23. PATRIOTS: A.J. Epenesa (DE, Iowa) — Tom Brady has covered a lot of New England’s poor offensive drafting over the past couple of decades. But they’ve been pretty good with scouting defensive players. For the sake of the league, let’s hope this is one of their rare misses.

24. SAINTS: Patrick Queen (LB, LSU) — This seems like a draft match made in heaven. New Orleans needs a defensive stud, so it makes sense to take the stellar LB who just won a national championship for their state’s biggest school in a game played in their home stadium.

25. VIKINGS: Denzel Mims (WR, Baylor) — Oh hey, it’s Minnesota again. This time, they’re looking for a Stefon Diggs replacement. While that could come in a rumored trade for Odell Beckham Jr., they’d probably want to play it safe by taking a solid pass catcher in the draft.

26. DOLPHINS: Austin Jackson (OT, USC) — Damn, I forgot Miami had this much draft capital. This pick was acquired by sending Laremy Tunsil to Houston, so why not use it to take another lineman? Let’s hope this selection, unlike Tunsil’s draft stock, doesn’t go up in smoke.  

27. SEAHAWKS: Yetur Gross-Matos (DE, Penn State) — With Jadeveon Clowney somehow still a free agent, Seattle can’t afford to mess around on the defensive line. Not only are they getting a stud player, they’re getting this year’s Key & Peele Best Name Award winner.

28. RAVENS: Kenneth Murray (LB, Oklahoma) — How does Baltimore keep doing this shit? The minute they have a hole on defense, a stellar prospect falls in their lap. It’s the same case here. If only they were able to draft a way for Lamar Jackson to not choke in the playoffs.

29. TITANS: Kristian Fulton (CB, LSU) — Tennessee hasn’t picked a CB in two years, which makes sense considering the people on the secondary. However, a lot of them are still free agents, so they should probably not mess around and get some insurance in the draft.

30. PACKERS: Marlon Davidson (DE, Auburn) — In Green Bay’s latest quest to not totally waste Aaron Rodgers’ career, the defense is (as usual) the focus of concern. Fortunately, this is a deep defensive draft, particularly along the front seven. They get a solid selection here.

31. 49ERS: Trevon Diggs (CB, Alabama) — Having realized it’s best to not leave the other team’s best WR wide open on a crucial 3rd down in the Super Bowl, San Francisco beefs up its secondary. Let’s hope he’s as good at deflecting passes as his brother is at catching them.

32. CHIEFS: D’Andre Swift (RB, Georgia) — Holy shit a RB! The last pick of the 1st round is the first rusher taken in the draft. While it’s a sign of the times, it’s also Kansas City’s way to patch one of its few weaknesses on offense. Please let everything blow up in their faces. 

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Dear Jon Gruden and Mike Mayock,

Greetings. I hope this letter finds you both well.

As I’m sure you’re both aware, last season did not go well. What started out as a promising campaign despite the unexpected departure of a certain jackass WR ended up as a complete choke job, capped off by blowing a late lead in the Raiders’ last game in Oakland. What’s more, one of our biggest rivals won the Super Bowl, the second non-Raiders AFC West team to take a championship in the past five years. While Kansas City looks primed to contend again, Denver is on the upswing and Los Angeles is probably gonna sign Cam Newton. In other words, everyone else in the division is either really good or getting better. We need to step it up.

In addition, the Silver & Black now calls Las Vegas home. The Raiders need to hit a home run with the first ever draft pick going to Sin City. While there have been some nice picks in the should’ve been ROY in Josh Jacobs, the dearly departed Khalil Mack, and the pre-leg injury Derek Carr, the Raiders’ recent draft history has been… less than stellar. Need I remind you about Robert Gallery, JaWalrus Russell, Darius Heyward-Bey, Rolando McClain, D.J. Hayden, and another player who I will mention in the next section? We cannot add to this list.

The Raiders have multiple needs, but by far the biggest is WR. Tyrell Williams was meant to be the second option, so I can’t blame him for coming up short as a forced WR1. Still, we can’t go for that for a second year. We need a new top target. We need one of these two players: Jerry Jeudy and CeeDee Lamb. Both guys are surely going to kill it in the NFL and not make me regret putting my faith in them. I don’t care what has to be done to draft one of them. Maybe you don’t even have to do anything. It’s likely one or both of them will be available at No. 12. But if you need to trade up, do just that. Use Nelson Agholor as bait or something. Offer later round picks. Kill another GM. It doesn’t matter.

As a guy who used to draft well but selected some of those busts listed above used to say, just win, baby! And draft well, too.

Sincerely,

A Disgruntled Raiders Fan

A TALE OF TWO DRAFTS

The margins between draft success and draft failure can often be slimmer than they seem, with franchise-altering consequences for getting it wrong. Two perfect examples of this can be seen in two drafts that also began on April 23. This section very well could’ve fallen under “On This Day in NFL History” if not for two reasons. 1: I want to take a deeper dive into this particular topic. 2: I already expanded “On This Day” to the entirety of sports for the duration of the pandemic and I have a good idea for that this month. 

For the first of these drafts, we have to travel back to 1989. But before we get there, let’s make a quick stop in 2003 and talk about that year’s NBA Draft. The Clippers snagged Chris Kaman sixth overall, but they missed out on a mostly legendary Top 5. LeBron James (Cavaliers), Carmelo Anthony (Nuggets), Chris Bosh (Raptors), and Dwyane Wade (Heat) were taken with the first, third, fourth, and fifth selections, making it four future HOF players (Melo may be a selfish, ringless asshole but he’s gonna make the hall) taken in the Top 5. You may think such a fantastic first five has never happened before. But between the first couple sentences in this paragraph and the picture above, I think I’ve provided enough context to make you believe otherwise.

1989 was a crucial year for the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry Jones purchased the team and fired legendary head coach Tom Landry after a 3-13 1988 campaign, replacing him with Jimmy Johnson. The Cowboys’ terrible record did net them the No. 1 overall pick, which they used to take UCLA QB Troy Aikman. Interestingly, Dallas also used a 1st round supplemental draft pick on Steve Walsh, who was Johnson’s QB at Miami. Aikman beat out Walsh in training camp, but saw his team finish 1-15 that season. However, not all hope was lost. In addition to Aikman and Walsh, the Cowboys drafted FB Daryl Johnston, C Mark Stepnoski, and DE Tony Tolbert (all stalwarts of the 90’s dynasty) in 1989 (they also took 8-time Pro Bowl G Steve Wisniewski, though they traded him to the LA Raiders). They also traded RB Herschel Walker that season, using some of those picks to trade up and select RB Emmitt Smith in 1990. The rest his history, but the master plan began in 1989 with their first overall pick.

Aikman might’ve gone on to win three Super Bowls, but he wasn’t even the best player taken in the Top 3 of the 1989 draft. That honor goes to Oklahoma State’s Barry Sanders, who the Detroit Lions took with the third pick. Sanders, of course, needs no introduction as one of the greatest RBs of all time, who ended up being named Rookie of the Year in 1989. But unlike Dallas, Detroit’s other picks did end up working out. Sanders was named to the Pro Bowl in each season of his ten-year career. Every Lions draft pick from 1990-2000 (two years after Sanders retired) combined for just as many Pro Bowls. This is why Lions fans have drinking problems.

With the fourth overall pick in 1989, the Kansas City Chiefs chose Alabama LB Derrick Thomas, who put together one of the greatest defensive careers of all time. Thomas holds the single-game sack record with seven and is one of just 32 players to have totaled 100 or more career sacks. Sadly, his career and life were cut short at just 33 years old, after he suffered a pulmonary embolism in his legs, which had been paralyzed in a car crash just weeks before. Rounding out the top five was Florida State CB Deion Sanders, taken by the Atlanta Falcons. Sanders would go on to have a lengthy career as one of the top pass defenders in the league and win two Super Bowls. Even more impressive, he did it all without making a single tackle.

For those counting at home, that’s four HOF players taken in the Top 5 of the same draft. But what about the fifth player? Well if you recall from 2003’s NBA Draft, the Pistons passed on Anthony, Bosh, and Wade to select Darko Miličić second overall. Miličić is regarded as one of the biggest draft busts in NBA history, especially given the HOF-caliber players chosen around him. Well, the 1989 NFL Draft had a similar story. Coming out of Michigan State, Tony Mandarich was referred to as “the best offensive line prospect ever” by Sports Illustrated. Also holding the second overall pick, the Green Bay Packers took this sure-fire thing in Mandarich. Much like Miličić, Mandarich is considered one of the biggest draft busts in his sport’s history, being cut by Green Bay after just four seasons due to incredibly poor play and major attitude problems. He later admitted to using steroids in college — but not in the NFL — which could explain the huge decrease in performance. Unlike Miličić, who actually won a championship his rookie year, Mandarich never won squat.

There were some other notable draft happenings in 1989. There turned out to be five HOF players taken in the first round, with the Denver Broncos choosing SS Steve Atwater 20th overall out of Arkansas. Sanders was just a junior when he declared for the draft, setting a precedent for top players to leave college after their junior years. Also, Troy Aikman’s agent, Leigh Steinberg (who was the inspiration for the ultimate “sports film or chick flick?” movie Jerry Maguire), joined his client at the draft. Aikman was the only player invited, but the number of players attending the draft would steadily climb over the following years.

Players (one in particular) being in the green room at the draft is just one reason the 2005 NFL Draft was so memorable. The big story going into draft day was which of the two top QB prospects would be drafted No. 1 overall by the San Francisco 49ers. For the most of the time leading up to the draft, Cal’s Aaron Rodgers — a NorCal native and childhood 49ers fan — was seen as the favorite to be chosen first. But Utah’s Alex Smith began to gather momentum in the last weeks beforehand, with the odds being about 50/50 on draft day. 

To the surprise of many, including Rodgers, San Francisco went with Smith. The reasons for this have been debated ever since the pick was made. Then-49ers head coach Mike Nolan believed Smith was a more polished QB, ready to play in the NFL earlier than Rodgers. He also thought of Smith as more of a non-confrontational QB who wouldn’t clash with his strong personality, unlike Rodgers. Many analysts, including ESPN’s Ron Jaworski, had concerns about Rodgers’ throwing technique and ability to throw the ball deep. Either way, the decision was made. But every one thought it wouldn’t be too long before Rodgers was taken, especially with teams like the Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins, and Arizona Cardinals still to come.

Instead, Rodgers had to sit and wait as names kept flying off the board. Guys like Braylon Edwards, Ronnie Brown, Cedric Benson, Cadillac Williams, Pacman Jones, Antrel Rolle, and Carlos Rogers filled out the Top 10. Still, Rodgers was waiting. DeMarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, Thomas Davis, and Derrick Johnson helped complete the Top 15. But Rodgers wasn’t among them. The names kept coming, none of them being Rodgers. The whole time, cameras focused on him and his ever-increasing frustration, cementing one of the most memorable draft day storylines of all time.

Finally, the suffering ended. After being projected by many to be the first player selected, Rodgers was taken with the 24th overall pick by the Packers, who happened to already have a QB named Brett Favre. Rodgers rode the bench for a few seasons, learning from Favre and getting a chance to develop in some areas he was “lacking,” according to the experts. Smith was starting games as a rookie and had become the main guy by season’s end. But Smith was plagued by injuries and had to deal with a constantly changing coaching staff, starting his first five seasons with five different offensive coordinators. Whether these revolving spots were due to poor coaching or poor play by Smith is unclear, as is the ultimate question of if the ultimate successes of Rodgers and Smith would be different if the 49ers had picked Rodgers instead, especially since Rodgers used the slight by his favorite team and slide down the 1st round as fuel to prove everyone wrong.

But we can only know what actually happened, and laugh at San Francisco because of it. Smith was never more than a glorified game manager who only even came close to his potential under Jim Harbaugh’s coaching tenure. Even then, an injury gave Colin Kaepernick the chance to seize the starting job, with Smith being sent to Kansas City. After further disappointments, the Chiefs sent Smith to the Washington Redskins, where his career appears to have ended prematurely due to the Joe Thiesmann-esque injury he suffered in 2018. You don’t need me to tell you how Rodgers’ career turned out, but I’m gonna rub salt in the wound for Gee and Dad. After taking over the Packers’ starting job during Favre’s retirement saga, Rodgers has put together one of the greatest careers a QB has ever had, winning Super Bowl XLV and two MVP awards. He’s also looked at as one of the best pure throwers of all time, with critics praising his mechanics and, yes, his ability to throw the deep ball.

As a Raiders fan, I’m extra glad the 49ers took Smith over Rodgers. This way, no one remembers that Oakland selected Fabian Washington one pick before Rodgers in part because they were content with Kerry Collins at QB. I really fucking hate this team sometimes. Speaking of Washington, the Redskins traded up for the next pick after Green Bay and also chose a QB — Jason Campbell. If the Packers don’t pull the trigger, Rodgers likely ends up in the nation’s capital. Strange to think about, huh?

The funniest part of all this is that passing on Rodgers isn’t even the worst QB-related drafting mistake in recent memory for San Francisco. Just five years earlier, the 49ers were looking for the successor to Steve Young. They waited a little while before selecting Hofstra’s Giovanni Carmazzi in the 3rd round. Carmazzi never played a game for San Francisco. They also drafted Louisiana Tech’s Tim Rattay — who stuck around for a few years — in the 7th round. But they didn’t pick up a kid from Michigan who was also a NorCal native and childhood 49ers fan. That QB, named Tom Brady, was instead taken by the New England Patriots in the 6th round and now has more Super Bowl wins than the entire 49ers franchise. Maybe one of these days San Francisco will actually take one of those stud QB prospects who idolized them growing up. Speaking of Brady…

STAT OF THE MONTH

Fuck you, Tampa Bay. The newsletter was done two days early. I had everything ready to go, including a stat about how many players the Houston Texans had traded for and traded away in the wake of the Brandin Cooks deal. But no. You assholes just had to trade for Rob Gronkowski and force me to awkwardly fit this in. Bastards.

So year, both Tom Brady and his favorite target are on the Buccaneers. What a world we live in. I’m not sure exactly how well this Brady Bunch will work out the field. On paper, you look at those names and the stats above and think “holy shit, there’s no way the Buccaneers won’t reach the Super Bowl,” which will actually be in Tampa Bay this season. I’d be more inclined to agree if this were 2017, when Brady wasn’t coming off a statistically awful season, Gronk hadn’t retired and suffered as many concussions, and Mike Evans was still a true No. 1 WR. I’m reminded of these guys. I’d hope the Buccaneers would have more success than those Brooklyn Nets, but I don’t.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY:  

Baseball is quite often an incredibly stupid sport, but it’s also beautiful in ways no other sports can be. Where else can you see two legendary careers start putting up immense numbers on the same day nearly two decades apart? On April 23, 1939, Ted Williams hit his first career home run, a two-run shot that was the one of the few bright spots in a 12-8 loss to the Philadelphia Athletics. But Williams had much, much more to say in a Boston Red Sox uniform. Only Tony Gwynn can prevent me from saying Williams was indisputably the greatest pure hitter of all time. Williams is still the most recent player to bat above .400 for a season, finishing with a .406 average in 1941. He followed that up by winning the Triple Crown in 1942, a feat he repeated in 1947 to be one of only two players with multiple Triple Crowns. In addition, Teddy Ballgame won two MVP awards, was named an All-Star 19 times, and finished with an absurd .344 career batting average and .482 on-base percentage — the highest all time. Williams also followed that first dinger 81 years ago with 520 more, one of them a 502-foot rocket now marked by a red seat as the longest home run in Fenway Park history. His 521 career home runs are tied with Willie McCovey and Frank Thomas for 20th in MLB history. Read all those stats again and consider that Williams spent three years of his prime serving in the Navy and Marine Corps during World War II. Just focusing on home runs, he hit 36 the season before he began his service and 38 the season he returned. Let’s add three batches of 37 home runs (111 total) to his career tally. That gives him 632, putting him just above Ken Griffey, Jr. for sixth on the all time list. While there are some “what ifs” about the Splendid Splinter, there is no wondering — only marveling — at what Hammerin’ Hank did at the plate. 

On April 23, 1954, 15 years to the day after Williams crushed his first career home run, Hank Aaron also blasted his first ball into the stands, a solo shot off Vic Raschi (who also gave up Aaron’s first career hit) in a 7-5, 14-inning win for the then-Milwaukee Braves over the St. Louis Cardinals. That kicked off more than two decades of simply outstanding hitting. A 25-time All-Star, Aaron still holds the MLB records for career RBI (2,297), total bases (6,856), and extra-base hits (1,477). His 1957 campaign saw him win his only MVP award (a fucking travesty) and lead the Braves to a World Series title. But the Hammer is best known for, well, hammering the ball into the bleachers. Aaron wore the number 44 for most of his career, which he said was a more lucky number for him. He hit at least 44 home runs in SIX different seasons, at least 30 home runs in 15 different seasons (one of only two players to do so), and hit at least 24 home runs every year from 1955-73. While Williams dealt with war, Aaron had a different battle to fight throughout his career. The 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s were… not so kind to people of color. While Aaron dealt with plenty of racism, things kicked up a notch going into the 1974 season. Aaron sat at 713 career home runs, one behind Babe Ruth for most all time. He received constant death threats, being sent more mail (930,000 pieces) than any non-politician in 1973. But Aaron was undaunted and, in front of a Braves record 53,775 people in Atlanta, smacked No. 715 off Dodgers pitcher Al Downing to break the record. Aaron would add 40 more before calling it quits, with only a roided up Barry Bonds eclipsing Aaron’s 755 mark by only seven. There’s one more connection between these two icons. The player in the left field for LA that saw Aaron’s record blast fly above his head? Another well-known Red Sox name: Bill Buckner. Baseball, am I right?

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2019 — Shane Long scores the fastest goal in Premier League history, finding the back of the net just 7.69 seconds after kickoff.
• 2016 — Beyonce’s visual album Lemonade is released.
• 2010 — The 2nd and 3rd rounds of the NFL draft see notable names like Rob Gronkowski, Linval Joseph, Carlos Dunlap, Sean Lee, Golden Tate, Emmanuel Sanders, NaVorro Bowman, and Jimmy Graham selected.
• 2005 — The first ever YouTube video, “Me at the zoo“, is published.
• 1995 — HOF RB Terrell Davis is selected in the 6th round (196th overall pick) of the NFL Draft.
• 1990 — HOF TE Shannon Sharpe is selected in the 7th round (192nd overall pick) of the NFL Draft.
• 1985 — Coca-Cola changes its formula and releases New Coke, which is discontinued in less than three months after overwhelmingly negative response.
• 1968 — Student protesters at Columbia University take over administration buildings and shut down the university.
• 1967 — Soyuz 1 is launched. The following day, technical issues lead to the crash landing death of cosmonaut Colonel Vladimir Komarov, the first in-flight fatality in the history of spaceflight. 
• 1964 — Ken Johnson becomes first major league pitcher to lose a nine inning no-hitter, as the Houston Colt 45s fall to the Cincinnati Reds 1-0.
• 1962 — The New York Mets defeat the Pittsburgh Pirates 9-1 to win their first game ever, after starting 0-9.
• 1953 — The iconic Western film Shane is released. Didion bros, this is the movie we watched in Mr. Howe’s class that ends with the annoying kid screaming “SHANE!!!” over and over again.
• 1950 — The Detroit Red Wings defeat the New York Rangers to win the Stanley Cup Finals.
• 1950 — The Minneapolis lakers defeat the Syracuse Nationals to win the NBA championship.
• 1914 — The Chicago Federals defeat the Kansas City Packers 9-1 in the first ever baseball game played at Wrigley Field, then known as Weeghman Park.
• 1879 — Fire burns down the second main building of the University of Notre Dame, prompting the construction of the current main building, which has a golden dome. This is why the Fighting Irish have gold helmets and are called “golden domers.”
• 1635 — The first public school in the U.S., Boston Latin School, is founded.
• 1516 — The Bayerische Reinheitsgebot, the most famous law regulating the brewing of beer, is signed.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1990 — Dev Patel, actor best known as Jamal Malik in Slumdog Millionaire, Sonny Kapoor in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, and Neal Sampat in The Newsroom.
• 1977 — Kal Penn, actor and former Associate Director in the White House Office of Public Engagement best known as Kumar Patel in the Harold & Kumar film series and Lawrence Kutner in House.
• 1977 — John Oliver, political commentator/comedian and host of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.
• 1977 — John Cena, iconic wrestler who cannot be seen. Goddamn a lot of famous people were born on this particular day.
• 1961 — George Lopez, iconic Mexican-American actor/comedian.
• 1960 — Steve Clark, songwriter and lead guitarist for Def Leppard
• 1954 — Michael Moore, documentary filmmaker and activist best know for making Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11.
• 1947 — Glenn Cornick, bass player and founding member of Jethro Tull.
• 1943 — Gail Goodrich, HOF shooting guard.
• 1943 — Tony Esposito, HOF hockey goaltender.
• 1939 — Lee Majors, actor best known as Colonel Steve Austin in the TV show The Six Million Dollar Man.
• 1932 — Jim Fixx, runner/author who is credited with popularizing running and jogging and sparking the 1970’s fitness revolution.
• 1928 — Shirley Temple, iconic child actress and namesake of the popular drink.
• 1921 — Warren Spahn, HOF pitcher.
• 1813 — Stephen A. Douglas, politician/lawyer who was the “Douglas” in the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

DEATHS:

• 2007 — Boris Yeltsin, the first president of Russia.
• 1998 — James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassin.
• 1983 — Buster Crabbe, Olympic gold medalist swimmer and actor who portrayed Tarzan, Flash Gordon, and Buck Rogers.
• 1616 — William Shakespeare. Come on, you know who this is.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Picnic Day! Celebrate with friends by enjoying a nice meal outsi– oh wait never mind.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

When I was a kid, Dad used to have a lot of posters hanging on his office walls. Navigating my memories like how I used to try to clamber through stacks of paper and random shit in that office without knocking anything over, I distinctly remember two posters hanging on the wall. One was a copy of “The Art of Giving” signed by Andy Warhol. The other was this.

Zoom in and check out some of the details. The “skulls” to the left and the flock of signs on the right and in the shits. The hair made out of crop fields being sprayed with harmful pesticides. The mountains of fists in the background. All portray elements of La Causa and the movement started by Cesar Chavez that continues to this day.

Today marks 27 years since Chavez passed away. I didn’t include him in the “Deaths” category above because, well, he’s Cesar fucking Chavez, one of the most iconic civil rights leaders of all time and a legend among the Hispanic/Latino community. He deserves his own section. Chavez spent decades fighting for the rights of laborers and poor communities, particularly farm workers. Along with Dolores Huerta, he founded what would become the United Farm Workers union. He influenced policy and sparked change through nonviolent methods like strikes and marches, along with fasts influenced by Mahatma Gandhi. His mark is felt all across California, with many places being named after him and an annual celebration of Cesar Chavez Day, which is marked on his birthday, March 31.

I bring up Chavez to not only remind you of this civil rights icon, but to bring up one part of the pandemic that’s often been overlooked. We rightfully applaud the grocery store and factory workers who make sure the nation is fed during this crisis. Again, I want to take nothing away from them and their brave work. What I want to ask is what about the produce, the fresh fruits and vegetables we count on to stay healthy? Who’s out there in the fields risking potential infection to pick those crops? The vast majority of those people are from poor, ethnic backgrounds, mainly Hispanic. These are the same kind of people Chavez and his cause worked to support. You rarely see them thanked for their bravery and hard work, whereas high-ranking lawmakers in this country (*cough* the White House *cough*) go out of their way to praise the CEOs and leaders of the businesses who sell the literal fruits of these people’s labor. It’s a reminder that Chavez’s cause still very much needs fighting for.

CROSS COUNTRY CANNONBALLS

With millions under stay-at-home orders and no restaurants/sporting events/movies to go out to experience, traffic has fallen dramatically. There are nearly half as many cars on the road in some areas and as much as 90% fewer in others. This has had a few impacts. There have been much fewer car accidents, something which is bad for news but good in literally every other aspect. However, the extra space has left people feeling the urge to put the pedal to the metal. With there being fewer cars out there, it’s easier for law enforcement to spot speeders, even with a smaller overall presence. Still, that isn’t stopping some of the most hardcore drivers. 

As pointed out to me by Kyle in a rare contribution to the newsletter by someone who’s not me (thank you very much, Kyle), there is an unsanctioned, illegal speed record from Manhattan to Redondo Beach called the Cannonball Run, which gained popularity through two 80’s films starring Burt Reynolds. It’s a 2,825-mile trip across the country that has to navigate pesky things like traffic, speed limits, and police. Because those things have somewhat become afterthoughts during the pandemic, an anonymous team took advantage and shaved 47 minutes off the record, making the journey from New York City to SoCal in 26 hours and 38 minutes. 

The fact that someone can drive across the country in just over a day is insane on its own. Then consider they didn’t stop for gas (or at all) because of the extra tanks pictured above and that they averaged a speed of 103 mph. This isn’t on a race track or closed off course, but rather on roads that people drive on every day. But the fact that there are fewer people on those roads right now has caused some debate among Cannonball runners. With these roads being clearer than usual for a while, some speculate this record could drop even further before the pandemic is older. However, others say the new record should have asterisk because it took advantage of conditions unlikely to be replicated in the future (and, you know, the whole racing during a global pandemic thing). On the other hand, some people say this will bring popularity to the record and keep a challenge that has only seen four new records since 1983 alive.

I was absolutely not aware of this until Kyle sent me a tweet about it. It’s fascinating! So yeah… GIVE ME MORE IDEAS FOR CONTENT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO LITERALLY EVERYTHING FOR THIS GODDAMN LEAGUE.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

WITHOUT NCAA TOURNAMENT, BROADCASTER CREATES ONE-MAN ‘ONE SHINING MOMENT’

EAST LANSING, Mich. — We’ve been without basketball for weeks now. It’s tough going, but thankfully, there are creative forces that are providing a sense of nostalgia.

Brandon Gaudin, who has voiced national sports broadcasts for Fox, the Big Ten Network and Westwood One, created an homage to the finale March Madness classic “One Shining Moment.”

Filmed while quarantined, Gaudin dons jerseys and suit jackets, showing the highs and lows of a tournament from the perspective of each element that makes the annual tournament must-see TV.

“Even though we didn’t get the tournament, we still need One Shining Moment. And here it is. All from right inside my apartment,” Gaudin tweeted.

READ MORE

Click here for a straight link to the video.

This is fucking amazing. This is some shit I’d want to create if I were not deemed an essential employee and had to stay at home all day. The dedication and small details are incredible. Brandon Gaudin also has a Twitter thread where he goes over all the things that went into production and the huge amount of stuff he had to buy to make it happen. Much respect, man.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NON-TIGER KING THINGS TO BINGE WATCH

The past month will be referred to as the time Netflix’s documentary show Tiger King took over the world. I work with veteran news people who’ve seen horrific crashes and literal bodies while on the job. Everyone in the newsroom could not stop talking about this goddamn show. Hell, even DAD has seen it. Every description of the show I’ve been told and every subsequent detail I’ve learned is somehow more bizarre than the last, and not in a good way. No, I have not seen Tiger King. But I feel safe in saying that if I did, it wouldn’t change my thoughts on the show, which can best be summed up by the picture below.

That being said, I’m looking for two other guys to make this year’s guaranteed Halloween costume contest winner.

I understand that everyone has different tastes and interests, but I just can’t get into the whole “true crime” thing. This is coming from someone who literally writes about death and destruction every day at work (especially since the outbreak began). The only item in that genre I’ve ever enjoyed watching was O.J.: Made in America, because it was sports-related and such a huge part of American culture. It was also something I didn’t know a whole lot about, so I was naturally curious to learn more. 

As you might predict, a lot of what I watch these days is a mixture of sports, comedy, and general idiocy, often some mixture of the three. There are some surprises in there, but generally I like to smile and laugh while I watch TV or go on YouTube. I also like to learn more about topics I’m interested in or discover something new and fascinating. So with much trepidation, I’ll give you a peek into my non-movie viewing habits with ten excellent, anti-Tiger King things you can binge watch while you’re stuck at home.

If you know me well, you might see a few shows missing from the list. This is because I’ve already mentioned them in greater detail in previous newsletters. Rick and Morty and My Hero Academia are just two examples, while I had an entire newsletter themed around Whose Line Is It Anyway?, which would’ve been a guaranteed Top 3 finisher on this list. 

There’s one series that pretty much everyone who’s watched TV over the past decade would have in their Top 3 binge watchable list. It’s a fantasy epic featuring dueling kingdoms, dragons, grand scale battles, death, and fantastic storytelling (at least the first six or so seasons, anyway). Everyone and their mother watched it… except for me. I was forced to watch like three episodes and wasn’t feeling any of them. But, this series does help me kick off this month’s Top 10 list.

10. GAME OF ZONES

Looking to combine fantasy and basketball in a different way than, you know, fantasy basketball, Bleacher Report dispatched brothers Adam and Craig Malamut to create a spoof of the show above. What they came up with was Game of Zones, a medieval-esque online animated series where society revolves around 30 “houses” which play basketball. Each episode (about six to eight minutes in length each) spoofs a real life team or player or moment over the past season. Each person is voiced over with a stereotypically thick British accent, which is funny in its own right. This series is stunningly creative and hilarious, with witty one-liners and plenty of small, clever details hidden in each scene. Much like the show it spoofs, Game of Zones is sadly coming to an end soon, with Part 1 of a four-part series finale debuting one week from today. Overall, this is a fun little series I think you guys would all enjoy and wouldn’t take too long to binge watch. You can watch every episode so far on Bleacher Report’s website.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: The Horse Who Does Horse Things

FAVORITE EPISODE: The Raid on Stables Castle

BEST PARODY: Lavar Ball as Daenerys Targaryen

9. DRAGON BALL Z ABRIDGED

Dragon Ball Z is one of the most iconic anime series of all time, but it also has plenty of stupid moments and dumb plot logic. The diehard fans at TeamFourStar used all of these moments to create a parody series that’s become a love letter to the original show. Dragon Ball Z Abridged is basically a retelling of the original anime, except with the characters dubbed over and new, hilarious dialogue. It admittedly was a bit rough in its first few episodes, which came out back in 2008. But it got incredibly better over the years, both in terms of effect quality and writing. Anyone who’s a fan of DBZ will heartily enjoy the abridged version, which covers the Saiyan, Frieza, and Android/Cell Sagas. Sadly, it will not include the Buu Saga, as TeamFourStar recently announced that they will not continue the series any further. While this will leave a large, DBZ Abridged-sized hole in my heart, that hole will at least be filled by the mountains of funny as hell content the past ten years have delivered to the numerous fans of the original anime series.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Vegeta

FAVORITE EPISODE: Episode 30

FAVORITE RUNNING GAG: The Krillin Owned Count

8. BINGING WITH BABISH

I already mentioned Binging with Babish last month, but I didn’t go into too great detail. Which is a shame, considering how awesome is is. Run by a guy whose name is Andrew Rea and not in fact Babish (that’s a reference to another show on this list), Binging With Babish started out as a Reddit project and became one of the most popular food-related channels on YouTube. Each episode features a dish from some form of media (movie, TV show, video game, etc.), which Rea attempts to faithfully recreate and in some cases improve. Think the Krabby Patty from SpongeBob SquarePants, cannoli from The Godfather, and Ratatouille from… Ratatouille. But what sets this series apart isn’t the food. Rea’s dulcet tones and clever one-liners make every narration memorable. I can’t imagine seriously considering making half of these dishes, yet I still watch a shit ton of his videos. Plus, Rea’s a good dude. He’s done a bunch of giveaways and charity work and has made a simpler series, Basics With Babish, for noobs like me.

FAVORITE EPISODE: The Swanson from Parks and Recreation

MOST INSANE RECIPE: The Every-Meat Burrito from Regular Show

THE RECIPE I ACTUALLY MADE MYSELF: Pasta Aglio e Olio from Chef

7. ATTACK ON TITAN

Gentlemen, meet the Game of Thrones of anime, except it actually gets better as it goes on. Set in a world where soldiers are trained to protect walled-off towns from titans (basically giants) who known nothing but consuming people, Attack on Titan is one of the most well-written and story-rich anime I’ve ever seen. In addition to my required humor, it’s got military strategy, political intrigue, incredible action, and plenty of violence. What sets it apart is that no one has plot armor — every character can die at any moment, regardless of relevance to the story. There’s this sense of tension and dread that makes every combat scene that much more intense. Even the theme songs are incredible (mine favorite is the one for the first half of the first season). Two seasons ago, I named my fantasy football team after the logo for the military unit that fights the titans. Full disclosure: if I had beaten Kyle in the Epic Bowl that year, you would’ve gotten an Attack on Titan-themed newsletter. All things considered, maybe the loss was for the best. 

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Sasha Braus

FAVORITE EPISODE: Hero

FAVORITE SCENE: When (spoiler) were revealed to be (spoiler)

6. 30 FOR 30

I also mentioned ESPN’s 30 for 30 series of documentary films last month, but we have new blood this time around. Sunday saw the premier of the first two episodes of The Last Dance, a ten-part series focusing on Michael Jordan’s final season with the Chicago Bulls. It was supposed to debut in June, but ESPN decided to push it up to April because of the sports shutdowns due to COVID-19. I’m so glad they did, because holy shit the first two parts were absolutely fantastic. Parts 3 and 4 will air this coming Sunday, so mark your calendars. If you don’t feel like waiting that long, there are so many other good 30 for 30 films out there. Luckily, I can watch the whole catalog on ESPN+, but there are other options. I remember watching The ’85 Bears on YouTube a while ago, but I can’t find the link now. ‘But you know what we can’t watch? Down in the Valley, the one about Sacramento’s successful attempt to keep the Kings. It got shelved due to the Kevin Johnson allegations, but that was years ago. Where the fuck is it now, ESPN?

FAVORITE FILM: Requiem for the Big East

FAVORITE FILM (BIASED): Four Days in October

FILM YOU GUYS WOULD BE INTERESTED IN: Once Brothers

5. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

Having only begun watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine a relatively short time ago, I’m pissed at myself for not tuning in much earlier. It depicts the hijinks in and around the fictional 99th Precinct of the New York Police Dept. This is an absolutely fantastic show from top to bottom. Everyone is amazing, from the lead character, the lackadaisical Det. Jake Peralta, to the incredible supporting cast led by the iconic emotional robot Capt. Raymond Holt and including the by-the-book Amy Santiago, the caring hulk in Lt. Terry Jeffords, the aloof Det. Rosa Diaz, the clumsy Det. Charles Boyle, and the “dynamic” duo of Det. Michael Hitchcock and Det. Norm Scully. In addition to the writing, what sets Brooklyn Nine-Nine apart from similar sitcoms is the more progressive way they handle modern issues. Having major characters who are LGBT but whose personalities are not defined by it, dealing with mental illness and addiction, and not having any stereotypical gender role issues in the plot whatsoever. It’s a huge, hilarious breath of fresh air.  

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Capt. Raymond Holt

FAVORITE QUOTE: Anything Capt. Holt says

FAVORITE SCENE: The Monty Hall Saga

4. 30 ROCK

While The Office and Parks and Recreation seem to have gotten most of the hype and fan love, there’s an argument to be made that 30 Rock was the overall best of the mid-2000s NBC sitcoms. Set in a fictional version of New York’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza (it’s real — I’ve been there), 30 Rock is based on Tina Fey’s experiences as a writer for Saturday Night Live and sees her character, Liz Lemon, play the straight (wo)man amid a cast of eccentrics. Although Liz is far from colorless herself, when she isn’t working on her night cheese. But the real jewels are the supporting cast, led by Liz’s boss and one of the best TV characters of all time, Jack Donaghy. Tracy Jordan and Jenna Maroney bring a whole bunch of chaos, while Kenneth Parcell brings innocent humor to the party. The writing is also fantastic and incredibly clever, and not just with the hilarious throwaway lines. I often find hidden jokes looking back at characters’ names and certain actions. Maybe as a writer I’m just a sucker for great writing. So be it.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Jack Donaghy

FAVORITE QUOTE: (see above)

FAVORITE RUNNING JOKE: Kenneth being (spoiler)

3. FUTURAMA

Hot take: while The Simpsons and Family Guy might’ve been better in their primes, Futurama as a whole is the best show of the three. In my opinion, it’s never had a bad season while having nearly as big of a cultural impact. You can even say Futurama was ahead of its time, which I guess makes sense considering it’s set a thousand years in the future. The show follows Philip J. Fry, a slacker from 2000 who’s cryogenically frozen and wakes up in the year 3000. As he navigates a strange world full of flying cars, aliens, and comically questionable ethics, he finds a job as a delivery boy for his great(x30) grand-nephew and makes friends with, among others, the hot cyclops Turanga Leela, the lovable misfit Dr. Zoidberg, and the iconic Bender, one of the best characters in fiction. Shoutout to the James Kirk-esque sexlexic Capt. Zapp Brannigan as well. This show is so goddamn stupid and so goddamn funny enough to make it memorable, you’d be surprise at how emotional it can be at times. Beware the episode with Seymour. 

FAVORITE CHARACTER: (TIE) Bender Bending Rodríguez & Dr. John Zoidberg

FAVORITE EPISODE: Amazon Women in the Mood

FAVORITE QUOTE: “If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”

2. THE WEST WING

Every time I have to write about the newest idiotic or dickish thing our president has done during this crisis or use a sound bite that seems to be from a second-grader rather than the commander-in-chief, I think about how much better life would be if Jed Bartlet were in the White House instead. Bartlet leads the executive branch in The West Wing, Aaron Sorkin’s phenomenal political drama of the late 90’s/early 00’s. Chronicling the Bartlet Administration, The West Wing is as much a show about politics and policy as it is the people who govern our nation. From the iconic Bartlet to his unforgettable staff of Leo McGarry, Josh Lyman, C.J. Cregg, Toby Ziegler, Charlie Young, Sam Seaborn, and later Will Bailey, the White House staff never fails to provide anything, be it drama, humor, emotion, or most importantly laws. This is Sorkin’s finest example of writing, pacing, editing, and production. This is simply one of the best and most influential shows ever put on television, even more so in this current time in our country.  

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Toby Ziegler

FAVORITE SCENE (FUNNY): When Pres. Jed Bartlet accidentally gets high on painkillers

FAVORITE SCENE (SERIOUS): The ending of Two Cathedrals

1. TOP GEAR/THE GRAND TOUR

I have never claimed to be nor ever will be a car guy. So why is a car show not only No. 1 on this list but also my favorite show of all time? Because it’s Top Gear. Yes, it’s incredibly creative and features not only beautiful machines but incredible cinematography. But what takes it from great to legendary is its three iconic hosts. Jeremy Clarkson, James May, and Richard Hammond are three of the best car journalists in the world, but they also have seamless, fantastic chemistry both on camera and in real life. Top Gear caught lightning in a bottle with this trio, who together essentially make the show seem like three friends having fun together. Imagine getting paid to shit talk each other while discussing nothing but sports. That’s what the trio get to do, but with cars. The end result is amazing. Clarkson’s buffoonery, May’s old man antics, and Hammond’s knack for crashing combine to create something unforgettable. It’s a simple formula with perfect results. No other show, not even Whose Line?, has made me laugh as hard. 

Now, you might look up Top Gear and notice that Clarkson, May, and Hammond are no longer with the show. That’s because in 2015, Clarkson became involved in a “fracas” with a producer. Clarkson was fired, with May and Hammond deciding to leave the BBC soon after. Top Gear still exists today with different hosts, and is admittedly still pretty good. But it’s nowhere near its peak with the trio, who have since started a new show, The Grand Tour, on Amazon Prime. While it’s different enough to be slightly jarring for longtime fans, The Grand Tour nonetheless is still packed with plenty of old school feel with the three hosts on board. It’s top quality and hilarious, with the banter and laughter that made their first show unforgettable. Between these two programs, there are way too many moments for me to make a top list — there’s enough material for me to make a Top 100 list on several different topics. Below, I’ve limited myself to just one example of each clever, comical, crazy thing that Clarkson, May, and Hammond do.

CHEAP CAR CHALLENGE: British Leyland Cars

CAR FEATURE/REVIEW: McLaren P1

CAR CREATION CHALLENGE: Amphibious Cars

UNIQUE CHALLENGE: Trying to Kill a Toyota Hilux

RACE: Car vs. Bicycle vs. Boat vs. Public Transport (London)

SPECIAL EPISODE: Vietnam

Alternatively to binge watching things, you can also kill time in quarantine by doing a deep dive to answer a pointless question so you can maybe entertain 11 people. What’s coming up next is the longest, most researched piece I have ever put together for a newsletter. That one section alone is nearly the length of the entire rest of the newsletter. Get ready for a wild ride.

But like any good TV show, there’s gotta be a cliffhanger.

PART 2 COMING TOMORROW