Ruben's Writings

The interview with Mayor Steinberg went well! He talked about his communication with Gov. Gavin Newsom, whether or not we’ll be forced to wear masks in public, how local businesses are doing, how much of a piece of shit Sen. Mitch McConnell is, and how Sacramento is working to protect its homeless population. Everyone at work loved it. However, I couldn’t really enjoy the good feelings because of all the… well you know…
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FIRST ROUND REACTION

So… a lot of shit happened. My prediction for everyone deciding to play it safe lasted for about a third of the 1st round before all hell broke loose. At least I (and everyone else) did a hell of a lot better at predicting the draft than Richard. 

Let’s go through some of the top stories, which before the draft were all about the Top 3 QBs: Joe Burrow, Tua Tagovailoa, and Justin Herbert. But at the end of last night, all anyone could talk about was another signal caller.

I thought I was being bold by predicting Jordan Love to the Raiders (we’ll get to them later). But then Packers GM Brian Gutekunst said “hold my beer” and drafted the heir apparent to one of the greatest QBs ever to play the game. Green Bay, sitting at No. 30, traded UP to select Love, a move that is drawing instant parallels to the current Packers QB. 
Like Love, Aaron Rodgers was taken in the 1st round by a Green Bay team with a future HOF QB (Brett Favre) at the helm. Love was selected at No. 26, two spots behind where Rodgers was taken at No. 24. Rodgers (36) is almost the same age as Favre (35) was when Rodgers was taken. Favre, if you remember, was not exactly warm to mentoring his chosen successor and eventually left the Packers in one of the more bizarre retirement/return/dick pic sagas in sports history. It’s unclear how Rodgers will react to being literally in the same position his predecessor was, although I assume he’ll mentor Love well because he’s a gentleman. But on the inside, I know Rodgers is fuming, because of the subtle differences between the picks.

As you remember from reading my detailed write-up on the 2005 NFL Draft, Rodgers was battling Alex Smith for the top overall pick by the 49ers. It was only after San Francisco took Smith that Rodgers began to slide, as a player with No. 1 aspirations slid down 75% of the 1st round. Green Bay, which had lost at home in the Wild Card round the previous season, did nothing to get him — Rodgers fell in their laps. Rodgers probably would’ve been a starter much sooner had he landed on like 27 other teams, but became even better while holding the clipboard for Favre. Contrast that to this year, when Love was definitely not battling for the top overall selection. He was seen as a project QB, with some believing he could fall to the 2nd round. Love ended up being the fourth passer picked. But unlike with Rodgers, the Packers traded up to get him, ignoring other needs for a team that went 13-3 last year and made it to the NFC Championship Game.

If I’m a Packers fan, I’m fuckingpissed. Love may very well turn out to be a great QB thanks to the years he spent behind Rodgers. But even if that happens, it means Green Bay management successfully got 2024 right at the expense of 2020-23. Rodgers is on the tail end of his prime, yet still dragged an injured and incomplete squad to within one win of the Super Bowl. Maybe shoring up that Swiss cheese defense and adding some more receiving weapons would’ve been the better call to try to capitalize on what you have now, instead of favoring the two birds in the bush over the one in your hand. As long as you have Rodgers, who by the way has four more years left on his contract, you try to win at all costs, no matter what. 

This kind of piss poor thinking has plagued Packers management for years. Favre took over as the Packers’ starter in 1992. For the ensuing 28 years, Green Bay has started a HOF QB in pretty much every game. In that nearly three-decade span, the Packers have been to only three Super Bowls, winning two of them. How in the living fuck do you waste that kind of talent? In about two-thirds of that time, the Patriots have been to nine Super Bowls and won six of them. New England’s is the kind of production Green Bay should’ve gotten from its insane QB luck. In fact, only the sheer brilliance of their signal callers has covered up just how badly the Packers have been coached and managed. Case in point: Love is the first skill position player Green Bay has taken in the 1st round in 15 years. That player? Aaron Rodgers.

If Love doesn’t pan out, the Packers are F-U-C-K-E-D.

Everything had played out exactly as I’d hoped it would. When Las Vegas was on the clock, both CeeDee Lamb and Jerry Jeudy were available. I eagerly waited to see which of these stellar prospects the Raiders would chose, and leaned in as Roger Goodell announced that they’d selected… Henry Ruggs.

Okay.

There was a lot of chatter about Ruggs being a steal, a true talent being overshadowed by two bigger names. I definitely think Ruggs is talented and I’m happy to have him playing for my favorite team. Also, that robe is fresh as fuck. Still, I can’t help but get serious 2009 vibes for the Raiders picking the faster guy over the physical freak (Lamb) and the proven route runner (Jeudy). 11 years ago, the Raiders passed on the major name (Michael Crabtree) and guys like Percy Harvin and Jeremy Macklin and drafted Darrius Heyward-Bey 7th overall. While I think Ruggs is light years better of a player and pick than Heyward-Bey, I just can’t shake the feeling that this is an old age Al Davis-type pick. It doesn’t help that Jeudy went to the goddamn Broncos and will likely torch us for the next decade with Denver.

The funny thing is, I had been chatting with my 49ers fan co-worker about how Ruggs might end up being the best WR of the three when all is said and done. Then she laughed as I watched my team pass up the two pass catchers I’d been clamoring over for months to select the aforementioned Ruggs. Then I laughed when instead of picking either Lamb or Jeudy (as she wanted), San Francisco traded down one pick to draft another goddamn DT (Javon Kinlaw) before trading up to draft a local, maybe 6′ WR who missed the Senior Bowl due to surgery. 

Speaking of Al Davis picks, Damon Arnette was certainly one of them. Looking at his college career, there are some nice things to write about. He was consistent and dominant at Ohio State, earning second-team All-Big Ten honors while playing with a broken wrist all year. Overall, he seems like a fine prospect. The thing is, I had to research all of that last night, because my first reaction to Las Vegas selection him was “Who?”. Arnette was widely projected to go in the 2nd round, so it was shocking to see him go at No. 19. Now, the Raiders don’t have a 2nd round pick this year and Mike Mayock clearly saw talent in him. The thing is, it’s still quite a reach to take him at 19 when other prospects were even more highly-rated. But at least our recent history with Ohio State CBs is good. The last time we took a Buckeye DB in the 1st round was in 2017, when the Raiders picked… Gareon Conley. Oh god.

Well, at least the 2022 NFL Draft is coming to Las Vegas! Road trip, anyone?

As for the rest of the 1st round, Lamb sliding is probably the next biggest story. Landing on the Cowboys is a hell of an interesting happening. With Lamb, Amari Cooper, and Ezekiel Elliott, Dallas’ offense could be insane, assuming Dak Prescott doesn’t fuck it up. But the Cowboys defense might do that for them anyway. As for the big names going into the draft, the Bengals got their expected man in Burrow. Congrats to Cincinnati, and sorry, Joe. After all of the tanking and injuries and speculation, the Dolphins actually finally did it and got their man. Tagovailoa has a chance to thrive in Miami, learning from Ryan Fitzpatrick and healing as the team continues to build. Throw in a nice OT prospect in Austin Jackson and a solid CB in Noah Igbinoghene, and the Dolphins had a solid draft. Herbert went to the Chargers, so fuck him.

But the biggest story no one saw coming? Something only these current conditions could’ve provided. Because this was a remote draft, ESPN got 60 prospects to live stream from their homes, with most of them having meh-looking backgrounds and living rooms. However, no one told the coaches and GMs to be mediocre.

Look at that pro gamer setup Jon Gruden has, complete with what appears to be an elliptical machine in the background. But Gruden was only in the middle of the pack when it comes to war rooms. Forget exercise equipment, Mike Zimmer has goddamn animal trophies behind him. Bill Belichick, meanwhile, only needs a kitchen table. Kliff Kingsbury pulled off the ultimate flex with the James Bond villain mansion, while Jerry Jones had the James Bond Villain yacht. Bruce Arians looks like everyone’s dad (shoutout Dad) and Andy Reid looks like the guy from the “nerd on computer” meme. But the highlight of the night was Mike Vrabel and whatever the fuck was going on behind him. You’ve got a guy with incredibly dyed hair rocking the Vrabel Pro Bowl jersey, a guy rocking a Frozone costume, and someone who looks like they’re taking a shit in the far left. I want to be at the Vrabel’s draft party next year.

Still, the real stars of the night were the 32 players, who will be joined by hundreds more over the next two days as they being their professional careers. Some will flame out, others will have mild success, and others more will do a whole lot of winning. Then there might be a few guys who could eventually make it onto these lists…

ALL-TIME ALUMNI

You’ve seen debates over which NFL franchise’s all-time team is the best. You’ve seen debates over which college program’s all-time team is best. You’ve seen debates over which collegiate program has the best NFL alumni. But you’ve never seen all three put together.

This is a cross-country look at which college has the best all-time football team, if we’re judging solely based on NFL performance. Heisman Trophies, national championships, and bowl games don’t count, so one-year wonders who faded into obscurity get no points. Because we all like brackets (as seen above), I’ll be narrowing the programs down to the Top 12 (just like the former NFL playoff structure that the league fucked up because of greed), and pitting them against each over until we get our winner. I honestly think I’ve stumbled upon something relatively unique, so don’t ruin this for me with a Google search. 

Some caveats before we begin. Once again, while I’m looking at college programs, these decisions are being made by considering NFL statistics and achievements only, not college. Also, I’m only really considering players beginning around the time of color TV, or when the AFL came into existence. No disrespect to the older players, but the modern game and modern athletes have grown too much. In addition, only major schools are up for debate here. There are plenty of mid-major programs that have accomplished a lot in the college game. Think of Boise State, SMU, Fresno State, UNLV, Army, Navy, Houston, UCF, etc. But as far as alumni success in the NFL, there’s not a lot there. Aside from maybe two or three true stars, they’ve got nothing. I’m only even going to talk about two programs that aren’t in major conferences. As you’re going to see, the teams competing for the title are completely and utterly stacked.

But to get to those elite teams, we have to weed out the minnows. Counting every major conference plus those two other schools I mentioned, that’s 66 programs whose list of all-time alumni we have to thoroughly examine. This is gonna take a while. And by a while, I mean this is the longest, most researched piece I’ve ever put together for a newsletter. More words than my Rise of Skywalker review, more in-depth than my all-time NFL snub team, more innovative than the time I made a fantasy football remix of “This is Halloween.”  

Let’s start our journey at home, by taking a look at the Pac-12. 

There are some interesting observations about the non-California teams. There are some shockingly good defensive units in the desert. Tedy Bruschi, Lance Briggs, Terrell Suggs, Mark Gastineau, Pat Tillman, Eric Allen, and Darren Woodson (plus Rob Gronkowski) all went to school in the Grand Canyon state. I also had no idea Cliff Branch went to Colorado or Dan Fouts went to Oregon (beating out Marcus Mariota on the Ducks’ all-time list). Bengals teammates Chad Johnson and T. J. Houshmandzadeh both went to Oregon State, while Utah has a pair of Smiths (Alex and Steve). The Emerald State boasts some low-key good QB history, including Warren Moon (Washington) and Drew Bledsoe (Washington State). However, while these programs boast some notable talent, they can’t hold a candle to the Golden State schools.

Stanford’s QB list can rival anyone in the country. Jim Plunkett doesn’t even get the backup spot — that goes to Andrew Luck, who only trails a literal horse. Imagine John Elway behind center and Christian McCaffrey in the backfield. My regular season fantasy MVP is joined on offense by his dad, Ed, and a number of tough linemen. On defense, the Cardinal has a solid lineup highlighted by guys like John Lynch and Richard Sherman. But their Bay Area rivals might be even scarier. 

In the surprise of the conference, Cal’s all-time lineup is legitimately up there among the best in the country. Helmed by Aaron Rodgers, the Golden Bears’ powerful offense features modern day weapons like Marshawn Lynch, DeSean Jackson, Keenan Allen, and Tony Gonzalez and has an great offensive line anchored by Alex Mack, Tarik Glenn, Ed White, and Mitchell Schwartz. On defense, names like Cameron Jordan, Herm Edwards, Scott Fujita, Ron Rivera, and Nnamdi Asomugha complete a low-key tough unit.

Going down south, UCLA’s lineup has a floor of “very good” and ceiling of “HOF.” Among those HOFers: Troy Aikman, Jonathan Ogden, Kenny Easley, and Jimmy Johnson. Then, you have guys like Randy Cross, Carnell Lake and Max Montoya to compliment modern day talents like Maurice Jones-Drew, Anthony Barr, Eric Kendricks, and Matthew Slater. While not completely star-studded, the Bruins won’t be pushed around.

But then we get to USC. Holy shit are the Trojans fucking stacked. Their backfield features Marcus Allen, O.J. Simpson, and Reggie Bush, with Lynn Swann and Keyshawn Johnson out wide. Apart from TE, USC’s one weakness might be at QB. While the Trojans turn out plenty of great college throwers, their NFL success is… surprisingly lacking. But even if Carson Palmer doesn’t match up to the options other schools have, he has protection from the likes of Anthony Muñoz, Tony Boselli, Ron Yary, and Bruce Matthews. On defense, it’s a who’s who of heavy hitters, particularly the back seven. The LB corps is centered around Junior Seau and includes Willie McGinest and both father and son Clay Matthews. Then there’s the secondary, with safeties Ronnie Lott and Troy Polamalu. Good fucking luck. On the outside, Willie Wood and Jeff Fisher provide plenty of lockdown ability. If we want to include coaches, the Trojans have a pretty good one in Pete Carroll. 

We’re looking for a team stacked with the best of the best. In the Pac-12, that’s clearly USC, which advances to the final bracket. In a close decision, I’m going with Cal over UCLA as the potential Wild Card nomination for the conference.

Before we head east, there’s one more school we should look at. One of the two programs not in a major conference I mentioned earlier is BYU, which has produced a number of HOF players. Steve Young is probably the best player to come from the school, which has also produced Jim McMahon, Todd Christiansen, and Brett Keisel. But most of the Cougars’ top talent has been those players who aren’t quite QBs but also aren’t quite RBs and WRs. Think Taysom Hill. If we’re going pure positions, the top rusher and receiver in BYU history are Jamaal Williams and Austin Collie, who can’t quite compete with the big boys. Also, BYU’s success has come from putting a shit ton of points on the board, not shutting down their opposition. There’s a big lack of defensive prowess for the Cougars. But there’s one position BYU dominates: K. Don’t fuck with Dan Smith, or else you’ll feel the wrath of his rap.

Goddamn if this were a RB competition, the Big XII would be landslide winners. Earl Campbell, Barry Sanders, Gale Sayers, Adrian Peterson, John Riggins, and LaDainian Tomlinson all call the conference home. In fact, pretty much all of these schools are loaded on offense, which I guess isn’t much of a surprise. Mike Singletary (Baylor), Aquib Talib (Kansas), Bob Lilly (TCU), and Adam Jones (West Virginia) are some of the few defensive stars on the list. Most of these schools just have offensive firepower like Pat Mahomes (Texas Tech), Jordy Nelson (Kansas State), and Dez Bryant (Oklahoma State). Then there’s Iowa State, whose honest to god most successful NFL alumnus is Kelechi Osemele. This is why Cyclones fans drink.

But just like with everything else in the Big XII, only Texas and Oklahoma matter. Like they usually do on the football field, the Longhorns and Sooners match up evenly in this contest. Texas features one hell of a RB corps, led by Earl Campbell and backed up by guys like Ricky Williams and Priest Holmes. Out wide, the Longhorns’ biggest threat is Roy Williams, which isn’t saying a while lot. But that defense is nasty, featuring the likes of Tommy Nobis, Brian Orakpo, and Derrick Johnson defending the middle of the field. Behind a defensive line anchored by Steve McMichael and flanked by DBs like Earl Thomas and Raymond Clayborn, the Longhorns are proof the Big XII can actually produce capable defenders.

Then we have Oklahoma, which can match them pretty much blow for blow. The Sooners’ defense is big and powerful up front with Lee Roy Selmon, Gerald McCoy, and Tony Casillas. Brian Bosworth might’ve been baptized by Bo Jackson, but he still was enough of a serviceable LB to anchor this unit. The other Roy Williams and Tommie Harris do their part to hold down a solid DB corps. On offense, Oklahoma’s historic OL prowess shows up with the likes of Lane Johnson, Trent Williams, and Ralph Neely. Adrian Peterson would run for an eternity behind that line, as would Billy Sims, who I’m including even with his short career. Sims was a beast before his devastating knee injury, so much so that no other Lion wore No. 20 until a guy named Barry Fucking Sanders came along.

You might’ve notice I skipped one big position with both teams: QB. Historically, both schools have relied on a power running game and only in the past 15 years or so produced some NFL talent at QB. Even then, while the likes if Vince Young, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, and Baker Mayfield tore up college, they didn’t exactly do well in the pros (the jury is still out on Mayfield and Kyler Murray, obviously). What’s more, the best WR in NFL terms from both schools is Williams, which is not a ringing endorsement for the pass catchers. Ultimately, I give Oklahoma the edge, but I’m not putting then in the playoffs yet. If either team wants to compete with the big boys in this tournament, they’re going to need to do better.

The thing is, I can give Oklahoma a major advantage in this category. Troy Aikman started his college career as a Sooner, but got injured and watched Barry Switzer, Jamelle Holieway, and the wishbone offense win the 1985 national championship. Looking to star in a more QB-friendly system, he bolted for UCLA. Aikman can’t play for both squads, but his presence on the Sooners’ roster might be more impactful than on the Bruins’. However, there can only be one, and I’m drawing the line at which college he finished his career at. This is not the last time we will see this issue come up, but this will be the deciding factor going forward.

One thing we need to immediately establish about the Big Ten: the West Division sucks. Only Iowa (George Kittle, Marshal Yanda, Alex Karras, Dallas Clark), Purdue (Drew Brees, Mike Alstott, Rod Woodson, Ryan Kerrigan), and Wisconsin (Russell Wilson, J.J./T.J. Watt, Joe Thomas) even attempt to put together good teams. Illinois wastes a legendary LB duo in Dick Butkus and Ray Nitschke, while by far the best three players to come out of Nebraska are Roger Craig, Ndamukong Suh, and Will Shields. Minnesota and Northwestern aren’t even trying. Their most notable NFL alumni over the best 60 years are Eric Decker and Steve Tasker, respectively.

No, the big dogs are in the East Division, disregarding Indiana (Antwaan Randle El, Trent Green, Tracy Porter) and Rutgers (Devin/Jason McCourty, Logan Ryan, Ray Rice) of course. Michigan State is led by several modern day stars like Kirk Cousins and Le’Veon Bell, flanked by solid WRs in Plaxico Burress, Derrick Mason, and Andre Rison, and filled in by other notable names such as Morten Andersen, Bubba Smith, Eric Allen, and Billy Joe DuPree. Maryland puts together a surprisingly competitive lineup, featuring HOFers Boomer Esiason and Randy White as well guys like Vernon Davis, Stefon Diggs, Kris Jenkins, Shawne Merriman, and Torrey Smith. But of all 14 schools in a conference with the number 10 in it, three truly stand out.

It’s no surprise to see Ohio State in this discussion. The Buckeyes boast plenty of draftees and stars, particularly on defense. An excellent LB corps of Ryan Shazier, James Laurinaitis, and A.J. Hawk flank a defensive line with a pair of modern day stars: brothers Nick and Joey Bosa. Ohio State’s secondary includes the stellar Malcolm Jenkins, the pioneering Dick LeBeau, and the hard-hitting Jack Tatum, my favorite player of all time. On offense, the Buckeyes also boast lots of talent in Cris Carter, Orlando Pace, Nick Mangold, and Eddie George. However, in the recurring theme of the top school discussion, QB is a huge hole. In Ohio State’s case, it’s a fucking chasm. Seriously, look at the QBs on this list and tell me who’s not complete shit. I have to choose between guys like Art Schlichter, Craig Krenzel, Troy Smith, Terrelle Pryor, and Cardale Jones. Just because of the QB position, I can’t advance Ohio State any further.

Michigan does not have such a problem, thanks to Tom Brady. Giving Brady protection is critical, and Steve Hutchinson, Jake Long, Dan Dierdorf, Tom Mack, and Taylor Lewan can do just that. Even though Brady’s best weapons are Braylon Edwards, Desmond Howard, Tyrone Whealey, and Mario Manningham, he’s done much more with less in his career. Charles Woodwon, Ty Law, and LaMarr Woodley highlight a pretty damn good defense, but one that I don’t think is as good as Ohio State’s. Normally, a good defense and running game would be enough to win in college football. But this is the NFL, and I’d rather have Brady than Dwayne Haskins.

Then, we have Penn State, somehow better, worse, and in between the two big rivals. The QB position is much closer to the Ohio State side of the spectrum than the Michigan side. The best signal caller in Nittany Lions history both in therms of college and NFL is Kerry Collins, not exactly someone to set the world on fire. But while Collins certainly hasn’t been Brady, he’s also had far more success than all of the Buckeyes QBs put together. While the receiving corps of Bobby Engram, Chris Godwin, and Allen Robinson might also be lacking, the power running game isn’t. Behind a solid line featuring Mike Munchak and Steve Wisniewski, Saquon Barkley, Franco Harris, and Lenny Moore had plenty of room to run. As for the defense, while the secondary may be lacking, the front seven are insane. Get through Tamba Hali, Dave Robinson, and Cameron Wake, and you’re facing a LB corps consisting of Jack Ham, NaVorro Bowman, Matt Millen, and Sean Lee. Good luck. 

All things considered, I’m giving Penn State the playoff berth and putting Michigan in Wild Card contention, along with Cal and Oklahoma. But before we go any further east, we have to make a pit stop in South Bend, Indiana.

The other non-power conference school I said I would mention? That would be Notre Dame, the independent powerhouse everyone but Jimmy loves to hate. Love them or not, the Fighting Irish definitely make a better case than BYU. Let’s start with the QB potision, which is filled by the second-greatest signal caller of all time (I love pissing Dad off like that): Joe Montana. It’s safe to say he had a good career, so imagine if he had Tim Brown and Dave Casper to throw to. While some petty 49ers can make the claim that this is actually worse than the real WR/TE combo Montana had in the NFL, fuck you we stan the Raiders in this newsletter. If for whatever reason you don’t want Montana to throw the ball, just hand it off to Jerome Bettis behind a line filled with some modern day behemoths in Quenton Nelson and Mike McGlinchey.  

The Fighting Irish can fight on defense as well. Alan Page, Dave Duerson, Mike Golic, Justin Tuck, Bryant Young, Harrison Smith, and Manti Te’o highlight a solid unit that can provide proper backup to Notre Dame’s stellar offense. Fuck it, throw Rudy Ruettiger and his offsides ass in there, too. While there are admittedly some bigger defensive holes than you’d think, the legendary playmakers on the other side of the ball are more than enough to give Notre Dame a spot in the final bracket. So far, we have three of the 12 teams filled and three Wild Card candidates. We only have two conferences to go, but don’t worry. I saved the best two for last. 

Welcome to the Thunderdome, otherwise known as the ACC.

Let’s get rid of the minnows right away. Duke (Sonny Jurgensen), Georgia Tech (Calvin Johnson), North Carolina (Lawrence Taylor, Julius Peppers), Virginia (Ronde/Tiki Barber), and Wake Forest (Bill George) aren’t worth discussing further. In addition, apart from Bruce Smith, Michael Vick, and Kam Chancellor, Virginia Tech is a decent disappointment. NC State could have Russell Wilson at QB, had he not transferred to Wisconsin. But Philip Rivers is a good second option. Torry Holt, Bradley Chubb, and Mario Williams are also notworthy, but ultimately don’t add enough. Clemson does have some legends like Dwight Clark and William Perry, but most of their big names are young guys in Deshaun Watson, DeAndre Hopkins, and Sammy Watkins. Get back to me in 2030, assuming the virus lets us live that long.

Boston College can put together a good squad, with either Doug Flutie or Matt Ryan throwing behind a rock fucking solid offensive line of Tom Nalen, Ron Stone, Damien Woody, Dan Koppen, and Chris Snee. Luke Kuechly, Bill Romanowski, Mathias Kiwanuka, and B.J. Raji headline a stout defense as well. But there are far too many positions with nothing in them. Louisville has a low-key great QB lineup, with Teddy Bridgewater losing out to Lamar Jackson as the backup to Johnny Unitas. Elvis Dumervil, Deion Branch, Tom Jackson, Bruce Armstrong, Mark Clayton, Otis Wilson, and Joe Jacoby fill out a pretty good roster, but one that ultimately can’t match up to the upper class of the conference.

No one is shocked that Florida State has a good team, one that actually could be even better. Randy Moss started out as a Seminole, but various things happened that ended with him at Marshall. I don’t think Florida State minds too much, as Fred Biletnikoff and Anquan Boldin can hold down the WR corps. Walter Jones and Rodney Hudson highlight an offensive line paving the way for Warrick Dunn and Dalvin Cook. I also get to have Sebastian Janikowski’s name in my newsletter, which is nice. With Jameis Winston at QB, this offense will either be rapidly moving down the field for points or to the sideline after yet another turnover. On defense, Deion Sanders, Derrick Brooks, Darnell Dockett, Xavier Rhodes, LeRoy Butler, Antonio Cromartie, and Peter Boulware are just some of the members of this stacked unit. Also, shoutout to Myron Rolle, who ended his career early to become a neurosurgeon and is now on the front lines of the fight against the coronavirus.

There are two big surprises about Syracuse. The first is that they’re in the ACC in the first place. The second is that they have an incredible team, particularly on offense. Jim Brown and Larry Csonka are the one-two punch of legends, while Donovan McNabb can sling it to the likes of Marvin Harrison, Art Monk, and John Mackey. Walt Sweeney and Jim Ringo help protect them, while Gary Anderson boots the ball through the uprights. Dwight Freeney, Tim Green, and Chandler and Arthur Jones make up a solid Orange defensive line, while Keith Bulluck and Donovin Darius beef up a somewhat thin back seven. But perhaps some coaching from the likes of Al Davis and Tom Coughlin can fix that.

The shock of the entire tournament, at least in my opinion, is just how good Pitt is. Just beating out the legendary Nathan Peterman for the starting QB position is Dan Marino, who has quite the WR to throw to in Larry Fitzgerald. Mike Ditka isn’t a bad option in the passing game, either. If Marino wants to hand the ball off, Curtis Martin, Tony Dorsett, or LeSean McCoy will be willing to take it. They’d have plenty of running room behind a great offensive line in Mark May, Jim Covert, Bill Fralic, Russ Grimm, Ruben Brown, and Jeff Christy. Probably the most terrifying member of the Panthers is Aaron Donald, who by the way has Chris Doleman and Jaball Sheard on the line with him. Rickey Jackson and Joe Schmidt are some solid LBs and Darrelle Revis shuts down one third of the field. Even their P, Andy Lee, is one of the best, though I don’t think they’ll be punting a lot. 

Out of these three, Florida State seems like the most complete team, though Pitt has the biggest upside. Both the Seminoles and Panthers get into the final bracket, while Syracuse is a Wild Card candidate. But as we head south, there’s another team with quite a lot to say.

I feel a hurricane approaching.

Oh. My. God. Miami is fucking insane. This the most stacked team I’ve seen yet and it’s not even close. HOFers, future HOFers, and All-Pros start and back up nearly every position.

Let’s start with the offense, led at QB by Jim Kelly, who’s got plenty of weapons to chose from. It’s not every day you see Reggie Wayne as the No. 3 target, but that’s what happens when you have Michael Irvin and Andre Johnson. Jeremy Shockey, Greg Olsen, and Jimmy Graham are all Pro Bowl TEs, who can both catch and help an offensive line that includes Jim Otto, Bryant McKinnie, Leon Searcy, Eric Winston, and Dennis Harrah block. Behind that line is a treasure trove of RBs, with Frank Gore, Edgerrin James, Clinton Portis, and Willis McGahee. As for special teams, they have Devin Hester returning kicks. Even their P, Jeff Feagles, is a record-holder. Miami’s only weakness is at K, with Dan Miller being only one of a handful of Hurricanes to even kick in the NFL. But I don’t think this team will be settling for many FGs.

It doesn’t seem possible, but the Hurricanes may be even more stacked on defense. Up front, Miami is a brick wall made up of Warren Sapp, Vince Wilfork, Cortez Kennedy, Calais Campbell, and Russell Maryland. The crazy ass LB corps is run by Ray Lewis and Ted Hendricks and flanked by solid pieces in Jonathan Vilma and Jessie Armstead. The ball hawking secondary is led by Ed Reed and filled with the likes of Sean Taylor, Bennie Blades, Brandon Meriweather, Duane Starks, and Ryan McNeil. Throw in Jimmy Johnson as coach, and we have the most complete team in the field so far. Hell, Miami’s backup unit could probably make the final bracket. The Hurricanes aren’t just in, they’re the favorite to be the No. 1 seed.

But there’s still one conference left.

The SEC is pretty much exactly what you’d expect, but with a few surprises. In terms of overall impact NFL players, Auburn is stunningly lacking. Apart from Bo Jackson and Cam Newton, they really don’t have much. Only Vanderbilt (Casey Hayward, Jay Cutler), Arkansas (Lance Alworth,  Dan Hampton, Steve Atwater), and Mississippi State (Fletcher Cox, Dak Prescott, Darius Slay) have undisputed worse lineups. Even Kentucky (George Blanda, Dermontti Dawson, Danny Trevathan, Randall Cobb), Missouri (Justin Smith, Kellen Winslow, John Matuszak), and Ole Miss (Eli/Archie Manning and Patrick Willis) have arguably better players. South Carolina (Jadeveon Clowney, Sterling Sharpe, Jared Cook, Stephon Gilmore, Melvin Ingram) and Texas A&M (Lester Hayes, Von Miller, Mike Evans, Shane Lechler, Martellus/Michael Bennett) have better alumni than you’d think, but ultimately not as good as the better squads.

LSU is about halfway to a super stacked team. Odell Beckham Jr., Patrick Peterson, Tyrann Mathieu, Alan Faneca, Kevin Mawae, and Kyle Williams are studs, but each of their positions are still a bit thin. The RB situation may be set with Leonard Fournette, however let’s see if the Jaguars fuck up his career. As for QB, while Joe Burrow might be the best in 2030, right now we have to go with Y.A. Tittle seeing as Burrow hasn’t played an NFL down yet. Georgia is a bit closer, particularly at the QB (Matt Stafford, Fran Tarkenton) and RB (Terrell Davis, Herschel Walker) positions. The WRs (A.J. Green, Hines Ward) are pretty good as well. Champ Bailey, Thomas Davis, and Roquan Smith make up some nice defensive pieces, but ultimately the unit as a whole (and the offensive line) isn’t up to par with the rest.

Florida, meanwhile, nearly has a complete team. There are plenty of strong defenders, including Jack Youngblood, Wilber Marshall, Reggie Nelson, Kevin Carter, Alex Brown, and Jevon Kearse. But the Gators are particularly loaded on offense. A solid line made up of guys like Lomas Brown and David Williams blocks for a decent RB in Emmitt Smith, plus his backup (Fred Taylor). Florida also has plenty of threats out wide, with Cris Collinsworth, Percy Harvin, and Wes Chandler. Aaron Hernandez is a pretty killer TE as well. But the Gators suffer from Buckeye syndrome, in that they have great talent at every position except for the most important one: QB. Florida’s best three NFL QBs: Steve Spurrier, Rex Grossman, and Tim Tebow. What could have been for the Gators had Cam Newton not stolen a laptop and been a shitty student?

The SEC’s other two big dogs don’t have this problem. Tennessee, for instance, has Peyton Manning — and a whole lot more. That includes a loaded backfield of Arian Foster, Jamal Lewis, and Alvin Kamara, plus Jason Witten as a reliable safety net. Stanley Morgan, Anthony Miller, Alvin Harper, and Cordarrelle Patterson make up an unknown but pretty good WR corps, while Bob Johnson, Raleigh McKenzie, and Chad Clifton highlight a sturdy line. On defense, the Volunteers are led by the minister himself, Reggie White, who shares a line with Leonard Little, John Henderson, Jerod Mayo, and Albert Haynesworth (pre-stomp). Jack Reynolds and Al Wilson are solid LBs, while Eric Berry, Bill Bates, Terry McDaniel, and Dale Carter make up a damn good secondary. Tennessee also has the biggest punting lineage I’ve ever seen. Craig Colquitt and his sons, Dustin and Britton, all have won Super Bowls. Jimmy Colquitt, Craig’s nephew, also made the NFL. Pick your Colquitt here.

Then we have Alabama. Boy are they loaded. The Crimson Tide have three Super Bowl-winning QBs to pick from in Bart Starr, Joe Namath, and Ken Stabler (we’re going with Starr) and two Heisman Trophy-winning RBs in Derrick Henry and Mark Ingram. However, we’re neither going with them nor my fantasy playoff MVP Kenyan Drake, but rather Shaun Alexander. Yeah, remember him? Out wide, Alabama can go to Julio Jones, Amari Cooper, or Ozzie Newsom. They can do it all with protection from Dwight Stephenson, John Hannah, Chris Samuels, D.J. Fluker, and Billy Neighbors. If you can get through a defensive line of Marty Lions, Marcell Dareus, and more, you’ll run smack dab into the likes of Derrick Thomas, C.J. Mosley, Cornelius Bennet, Dont’a Hightower, and Lee Roy Jordan. Holy shit does the Crimson Tide have some good LBs. They also have a youth movement in the secondary with Minkah Fitzpatrick, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Landon Collins, and Kareem Jackson. Just don’t ask about Ks.

Tennessee and Alabama move on to the playoffs, while Florida is among the Wild Cards. But now we’re finally through all the schools! Thank fucking god. Let’s set the bracket.

We have our eight previous qualifiers (USC, Penn State, Notre Dame, Florida State, Pitt, Miami, Tennessee, Alabama) and a host of Wild Card nominees (Cal, UCLA, Oklahoma, Texas, Michigan, Syracuse, Florida, Georgia). I’m gonna give two spots to schools I was genuinely surprised by (in a good way): Cal and Syracuse. Michigan also gets in, because any time you surround Tom Brady with an insane offensive line, you’re going places. For the final spot, I’m going with Oklahoma solely on the basis that it’d be weird to not have a Big XII team in this. Sorry, Florida. Try having better QBs.

The bracket seeds are as follows:

1 Miami

2 Notre Dame

3 USC 

4 Alabama

5 Florida State

6 Tennessee

7 Pitt

8 Syracuse

9 Cal

10 Penn State

11 Michigan

12 Oklahoma

The bracket will be similar to the NFL playoff as a whole, not two separate leagues. The Top 4 schools get a first round bye, but there won’t be any reseeding. Let’s do this.

FIRST ROUND

5. FLORIDA STATE VS. 12. OKLAHOMA: Up against the Seminoles’ stellar secondary, the Sooners’ lack of passing game comes back to haunt them big time. Florida State is able to clamp down in Adrian Peterson and Billy Simms, greatly limiting Oklahoma’s offense. Meanwhile, Jameis Winston isn’t asked to do much, though Fred Biletnikoff and Anquan Boldin can get through whatever the Sooners throw at them. Warrick Dunn is able to run down the clock and lead Florida State to a pretty easy opening round victory. WINNER: Florida State. 

6. TENNESSEE VS. 11. MICHIGAN: Brady-Manning XVIII, baby! The two legendary QBs never played in college, but we can pretend now. Unlike their pro careers, Tom Brady has to do everything himself, while Peyton Manning has the better team around him. The Wolverines’ amazing offensive line is able to give Brady enough protecting to do damage, though Reggie White has his moments. However, it’s not enough to keep pace with the Volunteers’ offense, as Tennessee’s platoon of RBs are simply too much for Michigan. WINNER: Tennessee.

7. PITT VS. 10. PENN STATE: Another first round rivalry game, the Keystone Classic plays out much differently than it does in real life. Whereas the Nittany Lions usually win, it’s the Panthers who dominate this one. Pittsburgh’s offensive line is able to hold off the Penn State to give Dan Marino, Curtis Martin, Larry Fitzgerald and company time to operate. On the other side, Aaron Donald makes sure Kerry Collins does not have a good time and the rest of the Panthers’ defense is able to limit Saquon Barkley, paving the way for a big win. WINNER: Pitt.

8. SYRACUSE VS. 9. CAL: It’s a battle of explosive offenses in this one, as Aaron Rodgers and Donovan McNabb go head-to-head in a matchup that only happened once in real life (McNabb’s Redskins beat Rodgers’ Packers in 2010). However, Rodgers gets his revenge here, torching the Orange defense like they play for the Bears. McNabb is able to plenty on his own, but the Golden Bears’ defense is able to slow down Syracuse’ running game enough times. Cal is able to run out the clock with a lengthy drive at the end, securing a close victory. WINNER: Cal.

QUARTER-FINALS

1. MIAMI VS. 9. CAL: Congrats to the Golden Bears on making to the Elite Eight. But unfortunately, they’re staring in the face of the Hurricanes. While Aaron Rodgers, Marshawn Lynch, and Tony Gonzalez are able to have moderate success, Miami simply has its way on offense, as Jim Kelly is able to pick his spots against the Cal secondary, which simply doesn’t have enough to cover all of the Hurricanes’ options. Through the air and on the ground, the Hurricanes are able to simply cruise into the semi-finals. WINNER: Miami. 

2. NOTRE DAME VS. 7. PITT: While both the Fighting Irish and Panthers have some good defensive pieces, the offenses they’re going up against are simply too great to slow down what becomes a track meet. Joe Montana, Tim Brown, and Jerome Bettis run through Pitt, while Dan Marino, Curtis Martin, and Larry Fitzgerald take Notre Dame behind the woodshed. Defenses are optional and it seems like whoever has the ball last is going to win. Finally, one defense is able to make a couple of stops. But it’s probably not who you think. WINNER: Pitt.

3. USC VS. 6. TENNESSEE: Peyton Manning vs. Carson Palmer isn’t exactly what you’d call an even matchup. But that’s the only advantage (apart from TE) the Volunteers have in this contest. Not that it’s lopsided or anything, but pretty much everything Tennessee has, USC has just a bit better. The Trojans defense is able to shut down Manning and his RBs enough to let USC’s own tandem of Marcus Allen and O.J. Simpson take over behind that incredible offensive line. Manning does enough to keep it close, but not close enough. WINNER: USC.

4. ALABAMA VS. 5. FLORIDA STATE: Now we’ve got ourselves a game. The Crimson Tide and Seminoles are filled with top tier talent and pretty much every position. Alabama’s WRs and Florida State’s DBs duke it out all day, with each side having their moments. In the end, the battle comes down to two factors. First, the Crimson Tide offensive line is able to give Bart Starr protection and the RBs enough space to do their work. Then, Jameis Winston’s turnover factor produces too many times against Alabama’s tough defense. WINNER: Alabama.SEMI-FINALS

1. MIAMI VS. 4. ALABAMA: Not many teams can match the firepower of the Hurricanes. But the Crimson Tide can do just that. The Alabama defense is the first to slow Miami down in any circumstance. Meanwhile, the Crimson Tide offensive line provides enough protection to let Shaun Alexander get some points. But the Hurricanes’ depth proves to be a huge factor, wearing down the opposition on both sides of the ball. Thankfully for Alabama, the game doesn’t come down to a FG. Unfortunately, it’s because Miami has pulled too far away. WINNER: Miami. 

3. USC VS. 7. PITT: No one expected the Panthers to make it into the playoffs, let alone this far into the bracket. Sadly for Pitt, this is where the run ends. While Dan Marino far outclasses Carson Palmer, the Trojans’ defense proves to be the superior unit. Ronnie Lott and Troy Polamalu are able to provide enough help in covering Larry Fitzgerald, while the USC LBs slow down Jerome Bettis enough to stop Pitt in its tracks. On the other hand, Marcus Allen and O.J. Simpson keep the ball rolling and advance the Trojans to the finals. WINNER: USC.FINALS

1. MIAMI VS. 3. USC: After dozens of teams were whittled down, it all comes down to a titanic (and probably brawl-filled) clash between the final two programs. The Trojans can go mano a mano with Miami pretty much everywhere, putting the Hurricanes in by far their closest contest of the campaign. USC needs to be at its peak in order to take down Miami, but unfortunately Carson Palmer finally comes back to haunt the Trojans. The Hurricanes secondary makes some key plays down the stretch to clinch the crown of best alumni squad. WINNER: Miami.

So… that’s it? Miami wins, which you probably could’ve seen coming as soon as I spent like three paragraphs talking about how much more stacked they were than everyone else. This seems like a long walk for a short glass of water, doesn’t it?

Nah, there’s one more challenger. The 2010s All-Decade Team was recently revealed. Let’s see if they have what it takes to knock off the Hurricanes.

Now you might think it’s a bit ridiculous (which to be fair it is just in principle) to compare one collegiate program to the literal hand-picked best NFL players of the past ten seasons. But if you compare the lineups, you’ll realize these teams are actually pretty close. Below I’ve listed the starting lineups, which are based on three conditions. 1. I tried to fit them into exact positions as best I could, despite limitations on both teams. 2. For starters on the All-Decade Team, I deferred to players who were unanimously picked where I could. 3. All Miami alumni named to the All-Decade Team have to play for the Hurricanes. Blood is thicker than water. THUG FINALS

MIAMI VS. 2010S ALL-DECADE TEAM: Miami gets off to a fast start, with the K-Gun offense not allowing the All-Decade Team’s great pass rush to build anything going. Jim Kelly finds Michael Irvin in the end zone and the Hurricanes’ defense is able to slow down the 2010s offense early. After the two teams trade FGs, Warren Sapp gets to Tom Brady for a huge sack on 3rd down. But the Hurricanes are a little too hyped up, with Sapp and Russell Maryland’s celebration being flagged for taunting. The 15-yard penalty gives the 2010s a new set of downs.

That’s when Miami learns you never give Brady an extra opportunity. The extended drive ends with a short TD by Adrian Peterson, but the Hurricanes’ next drive is even shorter with a three-and-out (punctuated by a sack by Khalil Mack). Brady stays hot when he gets the ball back, finding his favorite target, Rob Gronkowski, for a TD to take the lead. Then it’s Kelly’s turn to make a mistake, with Patrick Peterson making a tremendous INT near midfield. Brady goes to work again, hitting Julio Jones for a long TD pass to make it a double-digit lead.

The Hurricanes are able to stop the bleeding with a much-needed TD — a short pass from Kelly to Jeremy Shockey right before halftime. But the second half gets off on the wrong foot. Ed Reed picks off Brady on the opening drive, but Jones manages to free the ball on the ensuing return. The 2010s take full advantage, with Peterson getting his second score of the day. Miami can’t do anything on offense and the All-Decade Team tacks on another FG to their total on the following drive. The Hurricanes get stuffed on their next two downs, seemingly done for. 

Then, with a few minutes left in the third quarter, it happens. Ndamukong Suh, who’s been getting into it with Hurricanes all day, cheap shots Kelly after an incomplete pass. Shockey, who was blocking on the play, swings at Suh, igniting a huge brawl that sees both teams run onto the field. In the end, Suh, Shockey, Irvin, and Earl Thomas are ejected. While Miami loses two big weapons, the fight ignites some energy back into the Hurricanes. Ray Lewis forces a fumble from Peterson, with Frank Gore getting a TD on the ensuing drive to make it a one-score game.

Miami’s defense holds the 2010s to another short drive, handing the ball back to their offense. The Hurricanes storm up the field, with Kelly finding Andre Johnson in the end zone. They go for two, getting it with a catch by Greg Olsen and taking a one-point lead. But the All-Decade Team strikes back. Calvin Johnson hauls in a huge pass to move the 2010s down field, though Miami manages to hold them to a FG. While the offense goes nowhere on the next drive, the Hurricanes defense manages to force a punt, giving Kelly the ball back with just under two minutes left.

Kelly goes to work, picking apart the All-Decade Team defense with short passes. Progress is halted by an Aaron Donald sack, but Olsen converts a key 3rd down to keep the chains moving. A scramble by Kelly and a long catch and run by Gore put the ball at the 2010s’ 29-yard-line with eight seconds left. The game rides on Dan Miller’s foot, and his kick looks good at first. But then it pushes, the ball sailing outside the right post. Kelly wonders what he did wrong in a past life, as Miami finally has a Wide Right go against them. WINNER: 2010s All-Decade Team.

ONE LAST THING

While Ewing might be a dumbass when it comes to fantasy football, it turns out he’s actually pretty smart in real life. I mean, apart from deciding to travel to Europe during a pandemic thing. I’m sure Ewing has no regrets, especially as he’s getting ready to travel for much longer soon. That’s because he’s been accepted into grad school at Rosalind Franklin University in Illinois!

I think I speak for the rest of the league when I offer heartfelt congrats and best of luck to your goal of getting certified! I also speak for us when I say we’re sad that your journey will take you far away from us and to Chicago, where you’ll be moving to next month. You’re in SoCal now and that’s far away, but much closer than the freaking Midwest. But I guess the solver lining is we have free lodging in Chicago for our eventual Wrigley Field/Guaranteed Rate Field trip, providing of course that sports actually goes back to normal in the future. 

The whole social distancing thing makes this hurt even more, because in any other circumstance we’d hit the town for one hell of a send off. But we kinda can’t do that now, with the whole everything being closed thing and needing to stay six feet apart thing. However, the coronavirus will not stop us from giving you a proper farewell. 

Everyone, standby next month. I have an idea.

Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Reigning Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness