Ruben's Writings

For the first time since the pandemic began, things are actually getting better. So naturally, we’re gonna fuck it up. 

Right now, we’re passed the peak and traversing the flattened curve. All of the staying at home stuff worked, but it would be smart to keep at it for a little while longer to make sure the coronavirus can’t get back at it or doesn’t come back with as fierce of a vengeance. But some people can’t handle that and are demanding to go get their hair cut and their drink on. Amid protests for things to get back to normal, states across the country are reopening their economies and letting business begin in varying degrees. Wisconsin for example said “fuck it” and decided to reopen everything, while hair salons are largely forbidden to visit in Pennsylvania (unless Ben Roethlisberger needs a trim). 

Here in California, things are slowly and steadily looking better. Sacramento County just got the okay to move further into Stage 2 of reopening, so things should start looking more normal in our lives. But the biggest announcement in terms of the content in this newsletter was that sports are getting the approval to resume in the Golden State, with no fans in attendance of course. This is huge for the big leagues to get back to normal, especially considering the other major market hit hard during the pandemic, New York, gave a similar green light. Florida and Arizona, two states with facilities capable of holding tournament-style events, also allow for non-fan sporting events. We still don’t know the plans for the NBA or NHL to pick up where they left off, but there have been talks of having a hub at some Disney facilities in Orlando. One of MLB’s plans involved Spring Training sites hosting teams, so these allowances pave the way to at least a few paths of return (if the owners and players can agree on the whole salary thing). While we wait for that train wreck, we can learn more about another thanks to SB Nation’s amazing six-part Dorktown documentary on the history of the Seattle Mariners!

While the biggest of the sports leagues are still weighing their options, we should know the final decisions by the time of the next newsletter. But right now, there are finally live sports being played. It’s a goddamn miracle. 

First came baseball, through a deal with ESPN to televise games from South Korea’s KBO. I’ll get more into the KBO in a little while, but for now I’ll say that despite some pretty good action on the field, ESPN’s broadcasts make it unwatchable. The commentators don’t give a shit and aren’t even talking about the game 60% of the time. Thank god I found a Korean stream. I can’t understand a word they’re saying, but I know they’re at least into the action. Plus, I find it fascinating to watch news programs/commercials from other countries. It’s like a slice of life from far away places. South Korea’s soccer league also returned, but no one really gives a shit about that. In Europe, leagues are taking different paths. Ligue 1 (France) and the Eredivisie (Netherlands) have fully canceled the rest of their seasons. The Premier League (England), La Liga (Spain), and Serie A (Italy) are still TBD, though their is cautious optimism. But the Bundesliga (Germany) is back on track, with the first set of games being played (without fans) last weekend. As much as it was eerie watching an empty Westfalenstadion, it’s always nice to see Borussia Dortmund wail on Schalke.

Here in the U.S., while MLS still has no formal plans to return, the UFC is back in the swing of things (even though one of their fighters tested positive for COVID-19). They’ve held multiple events recently in Florida, with more set to take place at Dana White’s “Fight Island,” which sounds like something out of a Bruce Lee movie (more on that tomorrow). Joining the UFC was NASCAR, which kicked off its jam-packed return to action on Sunday at Darlington Raceway. It was such a big deal that I had to work that day to produce part of an extra long newscast so we could get a piece of those ratings. If we didn’t score well I was gonna be pissed at having a one-day weekend. I mean I’m still pissed, but anyway. As I mentioned before, this next month will almost certainly be when we’ll know if those leagues will keep going or if they’ll be joined by others. All we can do is wait. 

This sucks.

(cue theme music)

WHAT MAY COME

Then we have the NFL. 

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. Right now I’m at a point where I’m sure what I’m gonna talk about or if there will even be much to talk about when it comes to football. In any other year, teams would be getting ready for training camp and there could be so much speculation-fueled content out there. But even then it’s still pretty barren in terms of genuine content until camp begins, unless there’s a major signing or incident (no, whatever the fuck is going on with those DBs I never heard about until now doesn’t count). Throw in the lack of ability to do anything with the whole pandemic thing, and there’s even less to talk about. I mean what the fuck can I talk about, the LA Rams’ new, shitty uniforms? Le’Veon Bell playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate? Huh, who knew he was a Mega Man main?

I know I’ve opened things up to talk more about other sports, but I’d like to stick to our roots and keep this newsletter full of as much football content as possible. This is why I don’t do newsletters in the offseason. There’s nothing happening for like three or four months. The major offseason events are over. I honestly have no idea what my next Raiders Rant will be about. I will try my best to bring in some NFL topics, but it’s no guarantee until training camp begins.

Now I know what you’re thinking. The NFL did release its 2020 regular season schedule not too long ago. There are plenty of potentially juicy matchups to dissect. We’re getting two Tom Brady-Drew Brees duels, the first three QBs drafted (Joe Burrow, Tua Tagovailoa, Justin Herbert) will all play each other, and a bunch of other cool shit will happen. That is… if it happens. There are so many things up in the air right now that I’m just not comfortable sitting here and going through everything knowing full well that the upcoming season isn’t a guarantee. Plus, while I’m not exactly one to shy away from speculating about things to come, doing that for a schedule seems kind of basic. Once we get confirmation that things will be played out as expected (from something other than the endless marching of the NFL’s propaganda machine), it’ll be different. But for now, I don’t see a point in going through any part of the 2020 NFL schedule.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Anyway, let’s go through the Las Vegas Raiders’ 2020 regular season schedule!

WEEK 1: AWAY vs. Carolina Panthers. The Raiders almost always play like hot trash on the East Coast, but it’s early in the season and the Panthers are expected to not be good (unless Teddy Bridgewater says otherwise). I fear Christian McCaffrey, but I predict a win for Vegas.

WEEK 2: HOME vs. New Orleans Saints. My god if football games could actually have fans in attendance I would be at this game so quickly. Unfortunately for the Raiders, the Saints are really damn good. The first ever game in Nevada ends with the first ever (NFL) loss in Sin City.

WEEK 3: AWAY vs. New England Patriots. While I would normally be utterly terrified of a road trip to face the Patriots, that game won’t feature Tom Brady (we’ll get to that bastard later). It may be another East Coast game, but it’s another one the Raiders should win easily.

WEEK 4: HOME vs. Buffalo Bills. I can definitely see a way for Las Vegas to pull this out. I can also see the Bills taking a huge step forward this season and that defense swallowing up Josh Jacobs, forcing Derek Carr to salvage the Raiders. I don’t like our odds in this one.

WEEK 5: AWAY vs. Kansas City Chiefs. Thank god we don’t have to go to Kansas City in the middle of winter again. Still, while the normal weather should increase the Raiders’ chances of pulling the upset, there’s no way Pat Mahomes doesn’t pull his usual bullshit again.

WEEK 6: BYE. Another early season bye. Goddamn it.

WEEK 7: HOME vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Yep, that bastard. In what won’t be covered by the media at all, Tom Brady comes to Vegas as Jon Gruden faces the Buccaneers for the first time. While I’d love nothing more for the Raiders to win this one, I just can’t see it happening.

WEEK 8: AWAY vs. Cleveland Browns. Assuming Baker Mayfield, OBJ, or some other player hasn’t done something to torpedo the Browns’ season, this might be competitive. Even so, I still think the Raiders can pull out what would be a third road victory in four away games.

WEEK 9: AWAY vs. Los Angeles Chargers. Is this really a road game? Do the Chargers even play any home games? Either way, unless Justin Herbert turns out to be the second coming of Philip Rivers, the Raiders should go back home with a win from their old old home.

WEEK 10: HOME vs. Denver Broncos. It took four tries, but I finally see the Raiders getting their first win in Vegas. The Broncos are expected to improve, but we always seem to play them better at home. By the way, can we call Allegiant Stadium the Death Star? I mean look at it! 

WEEK 11: HOME vs. Kansas City Chiefs. And then the fucking Chiefs just come in and ruin everything. Maybe Mahomes has some sort of secret gambling addiction that will impact the game? Either way, they’d still probably win because the Raiders can’t have anything nice.

WEEK 12: AWAY vs. Atlanta Falcons. I have a buddy who’s getting married in Atlanta in September. I was hoping this game would be earlier so I could go, but then I remembered no fans will be able to go to games at all. Anyway, the Raiders will likely lose this one.

WEEK 13: AWAY vs. New York Jets. Remember when the Raiders had an inside track to the playoffs last year, then everything went downhill when we got smacked by the Jets? If that happens again, I’m gonna be pissed. For my sanity, let’s get a win this time around.

WEEK 14: HOME vs. Indianapolis Colts. The Raiders beat the Colts last year when they started the young but mistake-prone Jacoby Brissett. This year, they’re starting the geriatric and mistake-prone Rivers. Let’s send him into retirement with one last ass-whooping, shall we?

WEEK 15: HOME vs. Los Angeles Chargers. Speaking of Rivers’ old team, it doesn’t matter if we play in Los Angeles or Las Vegas. Herbert has to be the difference-maker, or else the Raiders’ improved (please please please) defense will make him look like a rookie again.

WEEK 16: HOME vs. Miami Dolphins. This has trap game written all over it. The Dolphins should still not be good (unless Tua Tagovailoa balls out), so this should be an easy win. These things never are with the Raiders. For once, I’m gonna be optimistic and say we pull it out.

WEEK 17: AWAY vs. Denver Broncos. Oh great, the one place worse than late season Kansas City — late season Denver. The Rocky Mountains are full of pain and suffering for the Raiders, who just like last year will end the regular season with a defeat from a mile high.

I think objectively we can have reasonable expectations for a 9-7 record with improved play from Carr, the WR corps, and the defense. That being said, I’m bracing for a 5-11 campaign where everything’s on fire. Or, as it’s been called for the past 15 or so years, a typical Raiders season.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 SCHEDULE REVEAL VIDEOS

If the Raiders’ schedule release video is any indication, it will not be a pretty debut season in Las Vegas. I get what they were going for with passing around the same football, but the overall poor execution and cheap graphics made the whole thing a huge letdown. 

However, there were plenty of other teams who had some interesting concepts for schedule release videos, not all of them terrible ones! Granted, you had your generic highlight-packed ones that are basic but nothing special. But some teams went all our and truly put together some memorable, creative ways to announce their regular season slate. Let’s go through some of the best ones, and yes I actually looked at all 32 teams. I’ve got a lot of time to kill.

HONORABLE MENTION: HONORING WORKERS

With the whole pandemic thing going on, a few teams — including the Seattle Seahawks, Los Angeles Chargers, and New Orleans Saints — did a noble thing by incorporating local medical workers on the front lines of the pandemic (even making donations). This was a sweet gesture on the part of all teams involved, so kudos for showing what’s really important right now.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: CHICAGO BEARS

Chicago, what the fuck is this? Who took more acid, the creators of that video or the team execs who gave it their seal approval? Are you trying to traumatize Bears fans even more than usual? Those graphics look like they belong at bowling alleys making fun of people for throwing gutter balls, not promoting an NFL team. Somehow, this is still better than their QB situation.

10. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

The Vikings did something pretty interesting by including video and audio from the actual call from the NFL detailing their schedule. It’s cool to see that process play out and watch how team execs initially respond to the matchups (especially the Seahawks one). Because it would be boring to watch a nearly five-minute video of a call, Minnesota incorporates some nice music, funny video clips and gifs, and other flashy graphics into it. While those pieces as a whole aren’t anything too spectacular, the core concept alone pushes it into the Top 10 for me.

9. BALTIMORE RAVENS

Speaking of unique concepts, I didn’t expect the Ravens to go to a game show theme for their schedule release video. There are plenty of inside jokes in there, from shitting on the Steelers’ stadium music to using Chiefs fan Eric Stonestreet’s Who Wants to be a Millionaire? clip for that particular matchup. But it’s held back by it’s ability to induce seizures and constant references to last year’s offensive success in the regular season. Not only is Baltimore talking a lot about 2019 in a video about 2020, but that vaunted offense didn’t do shit in the playoffs anyway.

8. GREEN BAY PACKERS

I’m a sucker for stop motion video, which the Packers used in a creative way for their schedule release. Each matchup was represented by an object or two that came to the center of the screen and sometimes did a thing before leaving for the next one. Green Bay made some clever choices for each team, such as the Motown record for the Lions, barbecue for the Texans, and the crossword puzzle featuring the word “fumble” for the Panthers. It’s a simple concept, but it’s used creatively throughout the video. That’s impressive enough to get on this list..

7. MIAMI DOLPHINS

A lot of teams incorporated things people do to keep themselves busy while stuck at home, including watch TV. The Dolphins had one of the best uses of this idea, flipping through channels to see all of their 2020 matchups. Each channel either had some pop culture reference to their opponent or some actual footage dubbed over to be relevant to the matchup. Miami also gets points for having literally every option be genuinely funny or clever, even throwing in some good subtle jokes in there. Now, if only that offensive line would stop being  joke this year. 

6. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Another big part of quarantined life is Zoom calls, which by the way are only slightly terrible to use for live TV interviews. The Patriots did one big “chat” with all 16 of their opponents using footage of coaches and executives taken from the draft. Or were those cameras they had placed already? Given the timing of everything, it seems New England was able to put together their video the quickest , which is pretty impressive. They also did well to fully embrace the meme and make the MVP of the 2020 NFL Draft, Bill Belichick’s dog, their video screen for the chat. 

5. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

I’ve never seen Westworld, but even I immediately knew what the 49ers were referencing when I saw their schedule release video. San Francisco did an incredibly job putting it all together, with incredibly detailed animations for each team. This would be even higher up had the team thought to include details such as whether or not it was an away or home game, game times, and hell even dates for everything. Maybe they were purposely going the minimalist route with not putting those bits of information in? I don’t know, but hey Marshawn Lynch is in Westworld.  

4. TENNESSEE TITANS

In another stellar example of animation, the Titans put together a series of short skits showing a cartoon titan making his way up Mt. Olympus while battling mascots from other teams. There were a lot of funny, kid-friendly ways the titan won by getting the football from his opponent. This is also one of the honestly few times I’ve ever seen Tennessee take advantage of the mythical elements of its team name. One nitpick: they were a little lazy by not putting multiple skits for the Texans, Colts, and Jaguars, instead opting just to put up a screen of the two mascots.

3. CAROLINA PANTHERS

There were several times when I was watching the Panthers’ schedule release video and had to pause, wondering how the hell they did that. It’s a montage of things to do while bored at home, such as play video games, work out, cook food, and give yourself a trim. Each activity reveals a different matchup in some truly creative ways. Carolina also mixes in a whole bunch of shots and perspectives, yet also somehow makes it seem like this was all shot in one take. Also, the main background music, Sunday Best, slaps hard. Overall, incredibly well executed idea. 

2. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Cat videos are not only the lowest hanging fruit on the internet, but also at least a decade out of style. But somehow the Jaguars pulled off a schedule release video consisting of nothing but clips of feline hijinks. Maybe it was just because I haven’t seen a good cat video compilation video since high school, but most of these clips got a solid laugh from me, particularly the Packers, Steelers, and Vikings ones. Each clip was also relevant got each matchup. I guess Jacksonville had a lot to pick from considering the sheer volume of cat content online.  

1. DETROIT LIONS

The Lions technically did two schedule release videos. The first was this nature video-themed one called Planet Lions. But by far the better one is their Animal Crossing: New Horizons spoof. It’s a little long, but even as a non-Animal Crossing fan was entertained by the whole thing. Each matchup idea was creative and clever, which is impressive considering the limitations of the game. Detroit even included home/away status, dates, game times, and TV networks with each matchup! For once, this team is in first place in a good way, all thanks to Animal Crossing. 

STAT OF THE MONTH

Which QB move was more surprising, Jameis Winston signing with the New Orleans Saints or Andy Dalton with the Dallas Cowboys? I’m not sure, but I think Dalton has now embraced his second career as a serviceable backup QB a little earlier than expected. I still think Winston has a chance to be a successful starter, especially if he learns how not to throw a shit ton of INTS from Drew Brees, who will probably retire in a year or two. As for what happens to Taysom Hill, I’m not sure. It just depends on how successful Winston is as the backup. Then, we’ll know if Hill will sign elsewhere and be a terrible QB or stay with the Saints and be a terrible QB.

By the way, the answer is the Philadelphia Eagles drafting Jalen Hurts.

HEY IT’S SOMETHING

HOLY SHIT BASEBALL IS BACK!!!

I mean yeah it’s baseball from South Korea, but it’s still baseball! It’s live sports! We can watch sports on a daily basis again! I can’t tell if I’m more appreciative for sports thanks to this time without it or am so desperate for anything sports-related I’ll take what I can get.

Asian baseball (along with any other non-MLB organization) gets a bad rap because it’s not Major League Baseball. But trust me this shit is actually fun. As far as quality goes, the Korea Baseball Organization is generally considered the third-best top flight baseball league in the world behind MLB and Japan’s Nippon Professional Baseball. NPB is thought of as somewhere between MLB and AAA, with the KBO somewhere between AAA and AA. 

Being the next best baseball countries and located just a sea apart, South Korea and Japan have a huge baseball rivalry. Both have a huge high school baseball scene and a rabid baseball fan base. I bought a ticket to a Chunichi Dragons-Yomiuri Giants game when I was in Japan and thought it’d be a fun time. But my experience in the Nagoya Dome ended up being my favorite of the entire trip and made me a diehard Dragons fan. (Fun fact: the Dragons are the team featured in the Tom Selleck film Mr. Baseball, which was released just a few months after I was born). The first highlight in this video shows the ending of the game I went to. I’m 90% sure you can see me in the outfield crowd.

What made the game so memorable wasn’t the action on the diamond or Yohei Oshima being a clutch motherfucker. It was the fans. The atmosphere is so much different than the relatively chill, kids playing around while parents drink scene in America. When the home team is batting, fans go absolutely apeshit, putting European soccer matches to shame. There’s constant singing and chanting, with each player having a specific song. I sat right in the middle of the right field bleacher creatures, which amplified the madness. 

That was Japan. From everything I’ve heard, everything about the Korean baseball fan experience is that it’s Japan on steroids. Going to a baseball game suddenly shot to the top of my to-do list whenever I visit South Korea. I say all of this because I feel like what we’re seeing on ESPN is a lesser version of normal action. Now part of this is “no shit,” with no fans being there. But it’s these kinds of games in these kinds of countries that suffer from not having fans in attendance. The fan experience and what it does for the game atmosphere cannot be replicated. 

Now, will I take a slightly watered down version of baseball over having no sports at all? Abso-fucking-lutely! But I also want to have a rooting interest. I don’t have a Chunichi Dragons-esque connection to any Korean team. So I’ve got to pick who I’m gonna bandwagon with science.

10 teams. One winner of the Ruben Dominguez fandom sweepstakes.

First thing’s first. As a Boston Red Sox fan, I can’t root for any baseball team described as the “yankees of (fill in the blank).” This is partially why I picked that particular game to go to in Japan. Yomiuri (which looks just like the San Francisco Giants) is the yankees of NPB, even playing in Tokyo (Japan’s New York City). Their arch rival is Chunichi, which looks like the LA Dodgers. It was some weird pseudo-combination of two of the most famous MLB rivalries, but in Asia. 

Anyway, the team everyone says is the yankees of the KBO is the Kia Tigers, so they’re out of contention. Matt Williams is dead to me now. However, this doesn’t mean their rivals, the Lotte Giants, are a shoe-in. Lotte has been, for the lack of better words, fucking terrible. They finished dead last in 2019, have only made the playoffs once since 2012, and haven’t won a Korean Series title since 1992. Fuck that noise. Also, there are just too many teams (particularly baseball) with the name Giants. I’ve mentioned three top-flight leagues in three different countries so far. Each one has at least one team called the Giants. Where’s the originality?

Going back to my first point about Lotte, I don’t want my team to be humiliating in any way. Let’s eliminate some of those teams right away. The Hanwha Eagles haven’t won a playoff series since 2007 and have only made the postseason once in that time. While the Samsung Lions are one of the historically great KBO franchises, they’re a blue, white, and grey-colored team called the Lions. They have to feel some sort of shame through osmosis with the Detroit NFL team. I’m also eliminating the LG Twins because there’s nothing interesting about them. They have an okay history and a decent logo/uniform scheme, but that’s it. 

While I’m not opposed to rooting for a team with zero championships, I’m definitely avoiding two of them. The KT Wiz are how the Seattle Mariners were as an expansion franchise, not doing jack shit since being born in 2015. What do the Wiz even have for a mascot… OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!?!?!?! While the Kiwoom Heroes have a not nearly as terrifying but still bad mascot, they also have the second-smallest stadium in the KBO and are the only team to not have a big corporate sponsor. While I’m as anti-capitalist as any red-blooded left-wing millennial, I’d also like to have some corporate cash to field a consistent team. The Heroes seem like a combo of the Oakland A’s and Tampa Bay Rays and I don’t have nearly enough passion to stay with a team like that.

(Side note: there used to be a KBO team called the Ssangbangwool Raiders. If they were still around, this would be 1,000% the team I would bandwagon. I also definitely wouldn’t choose the Hyundai Unicorns.)

Now, we’re left with the final three options. Let’s go through the pros and cons.

Doosan Bears

Pros:

• Great, winning history with plenty of trophies
• Won the Korean Series in 2019, so they’re probably gonna be good this year
• Classic color scheme and non-terrifying mascot
• Cap insignia is a “D” in Red Sox colors, so with my last name starting with “D” a hat would become a must-have fashion accessory
• Jamsil Baseball Stadium is one of the best of the entire KBO
• Part of arguably the best rivalry in the KBO, along with the Twins
• Play in Seoul, the capital and most attractive city to visit in South Korea

Cons:

• Just won the title, so I’d look like an extra bandwagon bitch jumping into their fandom
• Have to share that bitchin ballpark with their arch rivals
• While solid, nothing about them screams “spectacular”
• Feel like the St. Louis Cardinals of the KBO
• Will make me go to a game just so I can buy that hat 

NC Dinos

Pros:

• While young, have only missed the playoffs twice in their history
• Called the fucking Dinos
• Have the newest ballpark in Changwon NC Park, which opened last year
• Have one mascot, Dandi, that can breakdance
• Based in Changwon, which is technically three cities merged together. Suck on that, Minneapolis-St. Paul region
• Have another mascot, Sseri, whose name allegedly translates to “Swole Daddy”
• Eric Thames used to play for them
• Seriously, they’re called the Dinos
• Also have a “D” cap insignia as well as an alternate edition that is the sickest baseball hat I’ve ever seen
• Made a Baby Shark spoof about proper hand washing

Cons:

• I’m sorry about subjecting you to that hand washing video
• Lack of history includes zero championships
• Changwon is kind of “meh” in terms of South Korean tourist destinations
• Cap insignia isn’t as cool as Doosan’s

SK Wyverns

Pros: 

• Tied for the best regular season record in the KBO last year
• Called the fucking Wyverns
• I’m not gonna repeat the same joke as before, but know that a wyvern is a badass mythical creature that looks like but isn’t the same thing as a dragon
• Strong and recent history, winning four championships in the past 15 years (much like my beloved Red Sox)
• Munhak Baseball Stadium is the second-largest in the entire KBO
• Boast the longest winning streak in KBO history at 23 games (set in 2010)
• Incheon seems like a cool city to visit
• Did this during Opening Day last year

Cons: 

• Choked away a seven-game lead for first place last year before failing to win a single game in the playoffs
• Probably won’t do as well due to losing some key players
• Still don’t know how to feel about any of their mascots
• Cap insignia does not have a “D” on it

While my initial “point a gun at my head” answer was the Doosan Bears, I can’t get over the fact that I’d be jumping on the defending champs’ bandwagon. That’s how Dallas Cowboys fans were made nearly three decades ago. Also, I wanna have fun bandwagoning a team. Nothing about Doosan seems exciting or eye-popping. I’m still getting that hat, though.

In the end, it comes down to the two teams whose mascots would undoubtedly kick the shit out of every other mascot. There are so many appealing things about these teams that I had to settle it in the only fair manner I knew: let them play it out on the field. This past weekend, the Wyverns hosted the Dinos in a three-game series I dubbed the Ruben Cup. 

Game 1 seemed on track for a Dinos win, with NC up 2-1 in the 9th inning. But the Wyverns loaded the bases with two outs and Im Chang-min walked Kim Chang-pyung, bringing in Han Dong-min to tie the game. In extras however, the Dinos bats woke up with their own two-out rally off SK reliever Seo Jin-yong. With the bases loaded, Yang Eui-ji smacked a two-RBI single into center field to kick off a four-run 10th inning. The Wyverns couldn’t respond, as the Dinos took Game 1 6-2.

Game 2 was all about pitching. Kim Young-gyu only allowed four hits in six innings for the Dinos, though one of those hits was a solo home run to Dong-min. Meanwhile, Kim Tae-hoon was throwing gas for the Wyverns, going seven scoreless innings while giving up just two hits and striking out six batters. But once Tae-hoon was lifted in the 8th, it was a different story. Kim Ju-on allowed a single to Kang Jin-sung, followed by an RBI double to Kim Tae-goon to tie the game. Park Min-ho came in to try to stop the bleeding, but immediately gave up a single to Park Min-woo that brought in Tae-goon. Tae-hoon’s incredible effort on the mound was completely wasted, as the Dinos held on for the 2-1 win to clinch the Ruben Cup (Game 3 was a formality) and my undying bandwagon KBO fandom.

Bang bang Dino Gang, baby!

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY:  

On May 21, 2008, a historic matchup led to one of the most unforgettable finishes in the history of soccer. Entering the 2007-08 UEFA Champions League season, Manchester United and Chelsea were looking for redemption, after both were eliminated in the semi-finals of the previous campaign. After the Red Devils and Blues qualified by finishing 1st and 2nd in the Premier League, respectively, both clubs went unbeaten in the group stage and once again advanced to the semi-finals. There, Manchester edged past Barcelona, while Chelsea got revenge for the previous season and knocked out Liverpool in extra time. This set up the first ever Champions League Final between two English clubs and just the third ever between clubs from the same country. But the significance of the highly-anticipated final went far beyond that. These were arguably the top two teams of the past five years. Chelsea had either finished 1st or 2nd in the Premier League since 2004 and United were two-time defending winners (and would win that year as well). Chelsea was going for its first ever Champions League title, while United was aiming for its third. The timing was also significant for Manchester United for several reasons. 2008 marked the 50th anniversary of the Munich air disaster, when the Manchester plane crashed while trying to take off, killing 23 people on board (including eight players). It also marked 40 years since the club’s first ever Champions League title (the first ever by an English club) and 100 years since its first ever league triumph. To say lot was riding on the outcome of this match is an understatement. Oh and did I mention these two clubs hated each other? 

That was evident from the get-go, with both sides playing physical. In the 21st minute, both Paul Scholes and Claude Makelele were shown yellow cards after a mid-air collision that gave Scholes a bloody nose. Early dominance by Manchester United would be rewarded with a goal by Cristiano Ronaldo five minutes later. After Carlos Tevez failed to extend the lead with a pair of fantastic chances, Chelsea equalized just before halftime on a fluky goal converted by Frank Lampard after a shot deflected off two United defenders. The goal gave a ton of momentum to Chelsea, which had the better opportunities of the second half. Didier Drogba came the closest to giving his club the lead, hitting the post in the 77th minute. The match would go to extra time, where the tension finally boiled over. Chelsea took issue with Tevez’s urgency on a throw-in and the ensuing scuffle saw Drogba slap Nemanja Vidic, with the referee ending his night with a red card. The ensuing penalty shootout started with both clubs making their first two shots. However, Ronaldo had his chance saved, giving Chelsea the advantage. After both clubs made their next two attempts, Chelsea captain and noted asshole John Terry (taking Drogba’s place in the shootout lineup) strode to the spot with a chance to make history. But the rainy weather and slick field saw Terry slip and fall during his attempt, the ball hitting the post and bouncing out, giving Manchester new life. After another successful make for each side, Ryan Giggs (making his record 759th appearance for United), converted his club’s seventh penalty. There would not be a need for an eighth, as Edwin van der Sar saved Nicolas Anelka’s shot to give Manchester United the dramatic victory. Fun fact: I was late for Spanish class because of this match. Worth it. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2017 — Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus performs its final show.
• 2005 — Kingda Ka, the tallest and second-fastest roller coaster in the world, opens.
• 1992 — Johnny Carson hosts his penultimate episode of The Tonight Show, and the last one featuring guests (Robin Williams and Bette Midler).
• 1981 — The New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup in five games over the Minnesota North Stars.
• 1981 — United Artists is sold to Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer for $380M after the box office failure of Heaven’s Gate.
• 1979 — The White Night riots break out after the lenient sentencing of Dan White for the assassinations of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, one of the first openly gay elected officials in the U.S. 
• 1979 — The Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup in five games over the New York Rangers.
• 1976 — The Yuba City bus disaster, which killed 29 people and remains the deadliest highway incident ever investigated by the NTSB, takes place.
• 1952 — The Brooklyn Dodgers score a record 15 1st inning runs in a 19-1 win over the Cincinnati Reds.
• 1951 — The 9th Street Art Exhibition, which put New York City at the center of the modern art world, opens.
• 1934 — Oskaloosa, IA becomes the first U.S. city to fingerprint all of its citizens.
• 1932 — Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.
• 1927 — Charles Lindbergh completes the world’s first solo nonstop flight across the Atlantic Ocean.
• 1904 — FIFA is founded. They would accept their first bribe five seconds later.
• 1881 — The American Red Cross is established.
• 1871 — The first rack railway in Europe, the Rigi Bahnen, opens.
• 1856 — The sacking of Lawrence, KS (a major incident in the Bleeding Kansas saga ahead of the Civil War) takes place.
• 1819 — The first bicycles (called “swift walkers”) arrive in New York City.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1996 — Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills QB.
• 1981 — Josh Hamilton, former AL MVP outfielder.
• 1977 — Ricky Williams, former NFL All-Pro RB and Heisman Trophy winner.
• 1972 — Christopher George Latore Wallace, pioneering rapper best known as The Notorious B.I.G. and Biggie Smalls.
• 1952 — Lawrence Tureaud (otherwise known as Mr. T), the one who pities the fool and actor best known as B.A Baracus on The A-Team and Clubber Lang in Rocky III.
• 1951 — Al Franken, former SNL writer/performer and U.S. senator.
• 1941 — Ronald Isley, lead singer of The Isley Brothers.
• 1941 — Bobby Cox, HOF baseball manager.
• 1934 — Jack Twyman, HOF forward whose No. 27 is retired by the Sacramento Kings.
• 1921 — Bill Barber, the first person to play tuba in modern jazz.
• 1904 — Fats Waller, iconic jazz pianist.

DEATHS:

• 2013 — Frank Comstock, composer who made the theme song for The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends.
• 1996 — Lash LaRue, Western movie star in the 1940’s/50’s who taught Harrison Ford how to use a bullwhip for the Indiana Jones movies.
• 1935 — Jane Addams, activist and important figure in women’s suffrage.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Waitstaff Day! Wait… oh no… oh god damn it. I just gave Dad another excuse to tell his “I used to work at Spaghetti Factory” story

.THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MAN ATTACKS SHOPPER WHO DIDN’T THANK HIM FOR HOLDING OPEN DOOR

LAKELAND, Fla. — A Florida man remains on the run after police say he fought with another man inside of a liquor store allegedly because he didn’t get a “thank you” for holding open the door. 

The incident took place Saturday afternoon at a Publix Liquor store in Lakeland when the suspect allegedly asked the victim “you don’t say ‘thank you’ to people who hold the door open for you?” 

The victim said thank you, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, while the two men continued to exchange words while shopping. The suspect allegedly threatened the victim if he “said another word”, to which the victim said “another word.”

READ MORE

Pandemic or not, Florida Man remains undefeated.

KEEP ON CHUGGING

I can’t say for certain if my love of trains led to my love of Thomas & Friends or if my love of Thomas & Friends led to my love of trains in general. Either way, this series and its cast of characters make up some of my fondest childhood memories.

For those of you who’ve never heard of Thomas & Friends, the series follows the adventures Thomas the Tank Engine, a small blue locomotive, and the other (mostly steam) locomotives on the fictional Island of Sodor in Britain. The concept came from the mind of Reverend Wilbert Awdry, who saw many trains growing up and told stories about trains to his son, Christopher, during a bout with measles. Eventually, Wilbert’s wife, Margaret, convinced him to write a children’s book about those stories. That collection of stories turned into more than two dozen others called The Railway Series, with further books being written by Christopher himself. All of those stories were later turned into a TV show that’s still going today, complete with its own small media empire. But it all started out 75 years ago this month (last Tuesday, actually), when the first of those books, The Three Railway Engines, was released.

Fun fact: Thomas, the main character and by far the most recognizable engine out of all of them, wasn’t included in the first book. The three engines featured in The Three Railway Engines were Edward the Blue Engine, Henry the Green Engine (although he was blue when the book first came out), and Gordon the Big Engine. Instead, Thomas debuted in the second book, Thomas the Tank Engine. I know, Thomas & Friends lore can be confusing at times. 

I honestly had no idea these books even existed until my parents bought me my version of The Bible — Thomas the Tank Engine: The Complete Collection. I still have that mammoth of a book either in my closet or in one of my parents’ closets. No, I was hooked by the TV show, which featured toy models of the engines and narration by (I shit you not) Ringo Starr and George Carlin. Maybe this is why I have an affinity for classic rock and black comedy. Each story took no more than five minutes to tell, but the plot was still entertaining and easy to understand. The settings were beautiful, the models the trains and people were charming, and the music was incredibly catchy, particularly the iconic instrumental theme song (which is surprisingly good for bitchin’ gangsta rap remixes). 

Important distinction: it was around the time they changed the theme to that annoying “They’re two they’re four they’re six they’re eight” bullshit that I stopped watching. I never got close to the current 3D era where their faces are actually animated when they speak. This was partially because I, you know, grew up. But even if I was young enough I would’ve faded away anyway. The new seasons just don’t have that charm the old “outdated” ones had. It’s like how the early seasons of SpongeBob SquarePants and The Simpsons are by far the best and the current editions are utter shells of their past selves.

Much like those two shows, I still have a soft spot in my heart for Thomas & Friends. But even compared to some of my favorite ever shows, Thomas & Friends stands alone as the show I loved and was obsessed with the most by a country mile. Words can’t properly describe what these goddamn trains meant to me as a kid. You Didion boys remember how obnoxiously obsessed with the Boston Red Sox I was in middle school? Bitch, you haven’t seen anything. Combine my current love for the Red Sox, Sacramento Kings, Oakland Raiders, San Jose Sharks, Manchester United, and Georges St-Pierre (future UFC HOFer, by the way), and you might equal the level of love kid Ruben had for the Sodor Railway. I owned (and still have) countless toys and other items featuring those trains. I, at age 27, also still have several strong opinions about my first love.

Despite having his name on every single piece of advertising for the series, I was never the biggest fan of Thomas himself. Sure, he was kinda funny and overall a good guy, but he was also a cheeky little shit who could get a little bit annoying. No, my favorite character was Gordon, the Michael Jordan of the Island of Sodor. Sure, Gordon was brash and talked a lot of shit, but he had every right to. He was the biggest, fastest, baddest engine on the railway and always backed up his boasts. His crashes were the result of taking things too lightly, never of any lack of skill. He’s the one who pulls the Express every day and was the one chosen to pull Queen Elizabeth in the Royal Train. I mean look at this magnificent motherfucker. I owned three different Gordon trains when I was a kid. He’s my guy.

The Scottie Pippen to Gordon’s Jordan was definitely Henry, who could do a lot of what Gordon could, except not as well. Although he usually meant well, Henry could come off as kind of a wuss at times. His crashes and fuck-ups were also among the most legendary of the series. The whole Flying Kipper incident left him needing to be straight up remodeled. Two of my other favorites were Donald and Douglas, the Scottish twin engines. Every time those two would be introduced, this cool music would start to play and you knew some shit was about to begin. Plus, those two were hilarious. I also sort of likes James the Red Engine, who might’ve been a bit of a punk but had a heart of gold. Edward was also kind of cool despite being written as the old fart of the sheds. Toby the Tram Engine and Duck/Oliver the Great Western Engines were neat enough, but they were never among my favorites. I also liked episodes focused in the harbor and quarry areas — with trains like Mavis, Boco, Bill, and Ben — plus those that featured the little railway — with Skarloey, Peter Sam, Duncan, and crew. 

But my god I could not stand Percy. Imagine Eric Cartman but without any of the brains and humor and double the amount of being a whiny little shit. That’s all Percy was. His entire character was based around annoying the other engines and causing trouble for no goddamn reason. Percy has to be the engine with the highest accidents-per-appearance rate of the entire series aside from one-off characters. I think Percy had Napoleon complex or something because it was so easy for the big engines to piss him off. He doesn’t even have six wheels, so who the fuck does he think he is? I welcomed a Percy episode with the same enthusiasm as being given a raisin cookie. I even looked forward to seeing Diesel, whose entire purpose was to be an asshole and cause trouble for steam engines, more than Percy. At least you knew an episode with Diesel would be interesting. 

By the way, the whole steam vs. diesel thing is just one of the many aspects of this series I can look back on with a more questioning eye. Party of Wilbert Awdry’s purpose with these books was to show how fun steam engines were and criticize the real life British Railway’s transition to a mostly diesel/electric fleet (British Railway has since gone to great lengths to preserve its steam engine history). But on the show it was like race warfare. The steam engines thought the diesels were out to get them, which a lot of them actually were. There weren’t too many villains on Thomas & Friends, but they were almost always diesel engines. Part of Mavis and Boco’s whole characters is that they’re two of the few diesels who don’t have a hatred for steam engines.

Another… interesting aspect of this show is that Sir Topham Hatt (the head of the Sodor Railway) does not fuck around. One of the earliest stories is about how Henry doesn’t want to come out of a tunnel, even when he’s pulling a train, because he’s afraid the rain will spoil his coat of paint. After trying to bribe him and straight up pull him out, Hatt just says “fuck it” and literally seals off the tunnel, trapping Henry inside. The episode ends with a soot-covered Henry staring forlorn over a brick wall at the outside world. I don’t care if Henry gets back out in the next episode, that’s some dark shit. Other episodes show how Hatt would take engines who crashed too much and didn’t listen to orders and straight up repurpose them into generators. Search “Smudger” to learn more. The engines have a constant fear of being turned to scrap, with at least one steam engine (Stepney the Bluebell Engine) as well as Trevor the Traction Engine being literally saved from being ripped apart. Hatt demands order and discipline and is way more of a hardass than you’d think. Considering his railway seems to have a crash every goddamn day, maybe he should rethink his approach.

These are things that are a little taken out of context and overthought by a 27-year-old looking back at his favorite childhood show. Thomas & Friends is a fantastic children’s series that’s packed with heart and good humor and provided me with long-lasting memories. I could go on and on about the characters, the books, the show, and anything else from the Island of Sodor. Fortunately, I’m a benevolent commissioner who doesn’t want to completely bore his league members with an elongated rant about a kids show featuring British talking trains. Just know two things are certain for my children: they will play soccer and watch Thomas & Friends.

But then there are some things you only need to watch once.

PROJECT OH MY GOD

(WARNING: Everyone but Ewing will find parts of this section traumatizing and gross. This is the bad version of NSFW. Don’t eat anything while you read this.)

It’s not often I have to put a disclaimer at the beginning of a section in the newsletter, but what happened to Alex Smith is anything but ordinary. I knew Smith had suffered a seemingly career-ending injury with a leg break only Joe Theismann could relate to. I knew that something terrible happened post-surgery that made everything much worse. I knew it had to be especially bad (like what happened to Zach Miller but worse), because he let the hospital a hell of a long time after he was supposed to and everyone considers the fact that he can walk a miracle. But even then I had no idea of the scale of what happened until a few weeks ago.

Earlier this month, E:60 dropped a new feature piece called Project 11, which chronicles Smith’s recovery process since he broke his leg while being sacked against the Houston Texans about a year and a half ago (the reaction from his eight-year-old son was heartbreaking). Smith was immediately rushed to the hospital and into surgery for the compound fracture, which is when the bone breaks the skin. I’m already cringing and we haven’t gotten to the bad stuff yet. After having infinity screws put into his leg, Smith said he felt ready to go home. He had a slight fever, but that was normal… until it wasn’t.

When Smith’s fever got worse, doctors took another look at his broken leg. It had started to turn sickly thanks to bacteria that had gotten inside during the break. It eventually got to the point where he was dealing with sepsis — the bacteria were eating at and killing the muscles in his leg. They had to cut the dead muscle out of his leg, but the infection wouldn’t go away. It was so serious that Smith became basically a zombie and doctors were in “life saving mode, then leg saving mode.” Smith’s wife, Elizabeth, even gave doctors permission to amputate his leg if it meant his survival. Doctors were eventually able to get rid of the infection, but by then the damage was extraordinary.

Throughout the piece, they showed pictures of Smith’s leg during the infection saga. The images of his immediate post-surgery leg were gnarly enough, but then the bacteria began wreaking havoc. Huge spots of Smith’s leg were turned black and swollen, with the rest of it looking sickly. Imagine a badly burned piece of barbecue chicken, except the few non-burned parts are puffed up and yellow/green. That was freaky enough for me. Then they showed pictures of Smith’s leg without skin — muscle exposed. That got a big yikes from me, but the worst was still to come. So much muscle had to be taken out during surgery that what was left didn’t even resemble a leg. It was like a third of a leg at best. It was like a steak bone with a few strings of meat still attached. I actually screamed out loud when I was a picture of that. I know in Ewing’s profession he sees this shit every day and is used to it, but for the rest of us mortals it’s completely jarring. If you search “Alex Smith leg” (or actually watch Project 11) you’ll eventually find the images I’m talking about. But be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart.

Because Smith’s leg was in such bad shape, he was left with two options. He could amputate it or rebuild it using muscles from other parts of his body. Smith chose the latter, with the procedure being successful. But man, Smith’s leg still doesn’t look like a leg. They had to basically Frankenstein’s monster it, leaving the leg looking more like an upside-down moblin club than an actual leg. Somehow, the doctors were able to make it functional and, with a giant circular brace around his lower leg, release Smith from the hospital.

Incredibly, Smith has not gone quietly into retirement. After he got home and healed up enough, he got special permission to visit the Center for the Intrepid, a place for wounded veterans. It wasn’t much of a stretch — Smith’s injury was so bad it wasn’t classified as a sports injury, but a military injury. There, Smith began to throw the football again and regain a shocking amount of his mobility. 239 days after the injury, Smith had a 17th (!!!) and final surgery to remove the brace so he could fully walk again. When he’s not spending time with his family, Smith is doing drills and seriously aiming to return to the NFL. Two weeks ago, Elizabeth posted this video online, showing Smith working out.

There is no way in hell Smith will play again. Even if he gets enough mobility back, there’s no physical way his leg can function as it needs to. I know Smith wants to play out the final three years of his deal, but still. If somehow he does miraculously play in the NFL again, it’s the single greatest injury comeback story in the history of sports. But even if he doesn’t, Smith has basically done the impossible in turning a life-threatening and life-altering situation around and still being able to have a normal life with his family. Alex Smith is a fucking warrior and I gained so much more respect for him by watching Project 11. If you have the chance, check it out. Just don’t do it on a full stomach.

LOST LEGENDS

Not being a Miami Dolphins fan (or a fan of their rivals), I have no emotional connection to Don Shula. But I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the passing of a football icon. I wrote a lot about Shula last November, when the anniversary of his record-breaking 325th head coaching win happened to fall upon a newsletter date. Still, it’s all worth revisiting because what Shula was able to accomplish is beyond the realm of anyone besides Bill Belichick and maybe Andy Reid, John Harbaugh, or Mike Tomlin. 

When the 33-year-old Shula took the reign of the Baltimore Colts in 1963, he was the youngest head coach in NFL history. When he retired after the 1995 season, he had more wins (347) and regular season wins (328) than any other head coach, had won two Super Bowls and four AP NFL Coach of the Year awards, and was a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame. Do the math and you’ll realize Shula coached for a combined 33 seasons (tied with Curly Lambeau for second-most all time to George Hallas’ 40), meaning at some point he had spent literally half of his life as an NFL head coach. That’s fucking incredible, especially when you consider he only had two losing seasons during that time. Of course, one of the other 31 seasons happened to end with the only unbeaten Super Bowl champion in NFL history. I know the 2007 New England Patriots had more wins, but as the Golden State Warriors found out in 2016, it’s not just about wins.

I don’t think another Don Shula situation could happen again in the modern NFL. While Shula won two championships, his teams went to six title games, leaving him tied for the most Super Bowl losses (four) for any head coach. His last Super Bowl appearance came in the 1984 season, more than a decade before his retirement. The Dolphins reached the AFC Championship game the following year, but then they didn’t make the playoffs for four seasons, only finishing above .500 once in that span. Team owners and GMs (Mike Brown and Jerry Jones aside) are so quick to pull the trigger that a playoff drought longer than two years could spell the end for any coaching reign. Hell, Marty Schottenheimer was fired after going 14-2 in 2006. 

Things change as time passes, so anyone who lasts long has to be able to adjust. Shula’s early success came with a run-heavy offense, featuring RBs such as Larry Csonka and Mercury Morris. But he had to change when Miami drafted a guy named Dan Marino. So Shula helped Marino set ungodly passing records which were only broken by QBs in today’s pass-happy NFL. By the way, Shula served on the NFL rules committee and helped chance the game to be more pass-happy. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Shula also kept winning no matter who was throwing the ball, guiding five different QBs to Super Bowl appearances. Throughout his tenure though, one thing did remain consistent: Shula’s teams were always among the least-penalized in the NFL. His military discipline really trickled down to his players.

Shula’s time in football can be defined by ungodly numbers, records that may never be broken, consistent excellence, and winning. I’ll take that resume any day. I would also add that his championship run in Miami was ended by the Oakland Raiders in the Sea of Hands game and two of the only coaches to have a winning record against Shula are John Madden and Tom Flores, but that would be beneath me. Shula simply was the ultimate winner and champion. Consider that Belichick has been an NFL head coach for 25 years and in charge of the Patriots for 20 years, the past 17 seeing them finish with fewer than 11 regular season wins just twice. Belichick is still at least four double-digit win seasons away from catching Shula.

Don Shula is an legend in his profession. I hoped he would be the only legend I’d have to write about in memoriam for this newsletter. Then one day I woke up to hear Jerry Stiller had died.

I’m neither dumb nor blind enough to call Jerry Stiller the Don Shula of TV or anything like that. But Stiller was a comedic titan whose career lasted much longer than Shula’s, and whose legacy will live on just as long.

You all know Stiller through his iconic roles in Seinfeld and The King of Queens. But his career in Hollywood started long before that. The Shakespearean actor had been focused on theater production until 1953, when he met actress and comedian Anna Meara. The two married the following year and Stiller convinced her to form a comedy team. Stiller and Meara were incredibly successful during the 1960’s and 1970’s, making frequent appearances on The Ed Sullivan Show, doing many radio commercials, and even getting their own shows (Take Five with Stiller and Meara and The Stiller and Meara Show). They also had two children, Amy and Ben, the latter going on to do some acting of his own.

Stiller’s career seemed to be on a permanent decline until he was offered a spot on Seinfeld, as George Costanza’s father, Frank. Although he initially refused the role, Stiller eventually accepted. I’d say that was a good decision. Out of 180 Seinfeld episodes, Frank Costanza only appeared in 29. But he was the highlight of every single one, stealing every scene with an unforgettable combination of wit, humor, and anger to deliver some of the show’s most iconic quotes and moments. From being the patriarch of Festivus (“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!”) to his Korean War cooking flashbacks to his constant bickering with his wife, Estelle, to ignoring his son’s (presumed) death to yell at George Steinbrenner (“What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!”) to his constant war with the Seinfelds to rye bread and hens to “SERENITY NOW!!!” to stopping short to manssieres and shoes in the pool, Frank Constanza grew to be one of the most iconic of the show’s several iconic characters.

Stiller’s comedic prowess is best on display in “The Little Kicks,” when near the end he arrives to pick of George from the police station, only to end up fighting Elaine Benes. While the scene is hilarious, the bloopers are even funnier. When Stiller delivers his line, “What the hell does that mean?,” Julia Louis-Dreyfus immediately bursts out laughing while Jason Alexander literally somersaults out of frame. It takes several takes for the scene to be shot because no one can make it through Stiller’s delivery without laughing. That is, everyone but Stiller, who never breaks or even seems to notice the constant laughter. 

Stiller was ready to retire after Seinfeld when he was offered another role as a father of a main character, this time Arthur Spooner in The King of Queens. Kevin James, who played the leading role of Doug Heffernan, helped convinced Stiller to say yes by saying he needed Stiller in order to have a successful show. While I think highly enough of The King of Queens to believe it could’ve been a fine enough show without Stiller, his presence elevated into a higher tier of comedy. Stiller’s portrayal of Spooner, a tamer, more scholarly version of Frank Costanza, was incredible, with him getting to be more in the spotlight as a part of the main cast. The best moments on the show were when they would play on the huge differences between Spooner and his son-in-law, Heffernan, and the petty arguments the two would get into about everything from ordering Domino’s to ketchup to cheese to screwdrivers. 

While Frank Costanza and Arthur Spooner gave us countless laughs, it also allowed Jerry Stiller to get some much overdue success. Through it all, he never stopped being a devoted husband/father and a wonderful friend, as evidence by the touching tributes from co-stars such as Alexander, Louis-Dreyfus, James, Jerry Seinfeld, Leah Remini, and Patton Oswalt. Stiller was a great man and a comedic titan, one we will miss dearly.

(While I don’t put him in the same tier as Shula or Stiller, I also found Fred Willard [Best in Show, This is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, the Anchorman films, Everybody Loves Raymond, Modern Family] to be a fantastic comedic actor. He too will be sorely missed. By the way, his final performance will be on the series Space Force, about establishing the new sixth branch of the armed forces that totally isn’t based off Star Trek at all. I probably wasn’t gonna check it out, but I will now in Willard’s honor.)

GETTING INTO THE GOAT

“Michael Jordan is the only player that could ever turn it on and off… and he never frickin’ turned it off.” — Roy Williams

Of all the countless quotes from the ten parts of The Last Dance, it’s this one from the first half of the first episode I believe best summarizes the documentary’s main focus: Michael Jordan, the Gordon the Big Engine of basketball. Over the past five weeks, The Last Dance has enthralled us with an inside look at the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls season (Jordan’s last with the team) intertwined with a look back at Jordan’s life and NBA career. There was a lot presented in the sheer volume of material, what with the 500 hours of footage and dozens upon dozens of notable people interviewed (including two former presidents). So let’s go through some of the key points.

Jordan is the greatest basketball player to ever live and one of the most iconic athletes in the history of sports, so anything about him is going to be fascinating. It was fascinating to learn more about Jordan’s life growing up and his first few years in the NBA. Seeing a rookie Jordan folding laundry was simply incredible. Seeing him be so candid behind the scenes during the aforementioned “Last Dance” was interesting as well, from his constant shit talking to bets he would make on the golf course to practice scenes to interactions with The Sniff Brothers (RIP John Wozniak). Of course it was also awesome to look back in depth at some of Jordan’s most iconic moments, from The Shot (college) to The Shot (NBA) to the battles with the Bad Boy Detroit Pistons to the Dream Team to baseball adventures to The Last Shot. On a more somber note, it was eerie to see new sound bites from the likes of David Stern and Kobe Bryant. 

I cannot thank ESPN enough for airing an uncensored version. Allowing swearing allowed for more raw moments and some legendary quotes. Scottie Pippen got to explain how he wasn’t “gonna fuck [his] summer up” by recovering from surgery. Ron Harper got to be angry (“Okay. Whatever. Fuck this bullshit.”) about not guarding Jordan during The Shot (and we got to see Jordan tell everyone to fuck off after making it). We got to hear Jordan call Isiah Thomas an asshole and Horace Grant call the Pistons “straight up bitches.” We got to see literally everything Dennis Rodman said or did, including Carmen Electra in her prime (let’s be honest, she’s still in her prime). Also, it was funny to hear Jordan say “fuck” every single time. We’ve gotten enough memes out of this documentary to last well beyond the pandemic.

Now, taking the contents of The Last Dance as gospel would be foolish. Jordan and his production company, Jump 23, had a huge influence on the finished product, so you knew nothing was going in that would tarnish his reputation or make him look bad. Say what you want about Jordan’s gambling habits or the whole “Republicans buy sneakers too” thing, but those incidents haven’t really hampered Jordan’s legacy. For better or worse, the same can be said about Bryant’s rape allegations or James’ comments on China (although the jury is still out on that one). Jordan comes out of this looking somehow even more stellar than before, in part because The Last Dance took some small but significant creative liberties. 

Call me skeptical, but I don’t believe Jordan’s story about the pizza, which he says gave him food poisoning before Game 5 of the 1997 Finals. You’re telling me there was no other place to go in Salt Lake City at 10 p.m. other than a pizza place, one which allegedly sent five guys to deliver the pizza? You’re also telling me that you, as the biggest threat to that city’s home team and recipient of pizza in suspicious circumstances, said “fuck it” and ate it anyway? Did no one think “this doesn’t seem right” and just to go McDonald’s instead? I mean who cares the Flu Game was legit and awesome, but still. I also don’t believe Jordan had nothing to do with Thomas being left off the Dream Team (Jordan said he had influence in the Dream Team documentary a few years ago). In addition, I can’t believe they completely left out the greatest piece of trash talking in NBA history, when Pippen told Karl Malone “the Mailman doesn’t deliver on Sundays.” 

My biggest complaint with The Last Dance is a major lack of Toni Kukoc. The Croatian sharpshooter did get some moments in some of the middle episodes, but that was far from the amount I wanted to hear from him. Kukoc was much more than the basic role player the documentary made him out to be. He was the Bulls’ second-best weapon on offense and had some incredible scoring moments, particularly in the finals. For him to get the backseat treatment and not be featured as much as a genuine role player in Steve Kerr doesn’t sit right with me. This isn’t a dig on Kerr, who had big contributions of his own and an incredible story to tell. But him being on the advertising over Kukoc might just have been for being a bigger name as coach of the Golden State Warriors. I don’t know, maybe Kukoc wasn’t comfortable with it?

Without a doubt the voice who was most missing was that of Jerry Krause, the little devil of a GM who put together those incredible Bulls teams and tore them down even quicker. Krause died in 2017, so there were some obvious limitations to getting his side of the story (they used old interviews as best as they could). Krause was cast as the villain, the executive who wanted too much credit for on-court success and drove Jordan and Jackson away out of spite. While I think a lot of the hate Krause is getting is justified (who the fuck tells the coach of the two-time defending champs that he could go 82-0 and still not come back the following year?), it still doesn’t feel right that he can’t defend himself. Krause’s loss also becomes Jerry Reinsdorf’s gain. The Bulls owner is a notorious cheap ass who had the power to intervene before Krause and Jackson’s relationship passed the point of no return. But like he did with the awful contract he offered Pippen, Reinsdorf looked out for his bottom line when it came to keeping the team together (and going for a seventh ring) and threw Krause under the bus. Also, Krause is Mr. Swackhammer.

But above all the above, the main thing people are going to take away from The Last Dance hearkens back to that quote by Williams, who was pretty much the only person interviewed who actively avoided swearing. Jordan had unparalleled skill and athletic ability, coupled with an indomitable work ethic. But what I believe separates him from everyone else was his motivation, rather how he would find ways to push himself to new heights and do whatever it took to win. Competing was so woven into his very being, he would do whatever necessary to be able to flip a mental switch to not just beat his opponent, but step on his throat. The simplest things, like not saying hi to Jordan at dinner or shaking his hand, would light a fire in him. Hell, he would even make shit up (the LaBradford Smith story for example) to get himself going. 

Before The Last Dance premiered, Jordan said people wouldn’t like him after they saw it. I think what they were referring to was Jordan dogging teammates constantly during practice, picking on Scott Burrell in particular. Jordan it seems didn’t really do this in the beginning part of his career (when he was young and the Bulls were shit), but rather after we won some rings (particularly after his comeback from baseball). Quite frankly, Jordan was an asshole to his teammates. He cursed them out, berated them, and got to the point where some (Kerr) even fought him. The method behind Jordan’s madness was two-fold. Jordan argued that if they couldn’t take the trash talking and physicality in practice, they couldn’t handle the likes of the 90’s New York Knicks or Indiana Pacers or Utah Jazz. Jordan also wanted to do everything he could to bring them up to his level of play, to keep things as different from the beginning of his career as he possibly could. 

Was he right? Yes. You can be an asshole and still be right. Was he successful? Of course. He won. History is written by the victors, and history would’ve been less kind to Jordan if he had gone 5-1 or 4-2 in the finals. But he went 6-0 and went down as the greatest ever. Everyone, from fans to the media to his teammates, can look back at what Jordan did with rose-tinted glasses because he was victorious, even though he may have not been as well-liked as he wanted. Winning, as Jordan says in the documentary, has a price. 

The most defining part of The Last Dance was the final two minutes of the seventh episode, when we really see Jordan’s reasoning behind his attitude. Jordan basically said “I don’t have to explain myself, but I will.” That competitive fire and burning passion to be the greatest and win at literally everything burned him out multiple times and caused friendships to fracture. It also led to him achieving ultimate individual and team glory several times. Jordan was the ultimate competitor — he could never turn it off. But because of that we have the Bulls’ dynasty of the 90’s. We have the greatest player of all time. It was the only way Jordan knew how to play. 

One last thing I want to touch on here: The Last Dance has caused a renewed firestorm over who the true GOAT is for basketball. Let us remember what Bryant said in the fifth episode, about how it made him uncomfortable to talk about comparisons between he and Jordan because he took so much of his game from Jordan. When we pick a side in these arguments, we’re so quick to discount anything the other player achieves, instead of appreciating how amazing it really is. Time passing and rules changing have made players even more difficult to compare. Instead of getting into pointless internet debates, can we not just take a second and marvel at the once-in-a-lifetime feats these players performed on the hardwood?

That all being said, if you think LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan, this is my reaction.

PART 2 COMING TOMORROW