Ruben's Writings

CHASING THE GOAT

A few weeks ago, LeBron James revealed the logo and title for the long-rumored and finally confirmed sequel to the cult classic 1996 film Space Jam. Like it or not, Space Jam: A New Legacy will be releasing July 2021. Like its predecessor, it will involve basketball and the Looney Tunes cast. I have a few problems with all of this already, but I’m going to try to be objective.

Let’s start with what this movie has done right so far and how it could succeed. James knows about legacy, considering he’s forever chasing Michael Jordan’s and has put the word “legacy” in his film’s title. Like he wants to be seen as better than Jordan on the court, James will do everything he can to ensure his outer space cartoon basketball film is better than Jordan’s. That includes getting Sac State alum Ryan Coogler to produce it and co-write the script. Coogler (Fruitvale Station, Creed, Black Panther) has literally never been part of a bad movie. James himself seems to be a better actor than Jordan, as shown by his surprisingly good performance in Trainwreck. Technology has also advanced, which should make the animation much better than in the first film. In addition, we’re living in the peak of 90’s nostalgia, so this film is sure to make a metric fuckload of money from ticket sales and merchandising to both grown-ups who saw Space Jam as kids and current LeBron nut-huggers.

However, I’m not sure that what made that Space Jam so popular back then can work now. Space Jam is, objectively, not a good movie. But it didn’t have to be. The Looney Tunes’ slapstick comedy and and cartoon plot were perfect for the 90’s, with fan response being the reason the film isn’t relegated to the pile of mediocre sports movies. It was just the right mix of target audience, plot lines, timing, and inclusion of Bill Murray, Wayne Knight, and the greatest basketball player to ever live. It also predicted the current shutdown of the NBA due to health and safety concerns and had a killer soundtrack featuring “I Believe I Can Fly” (fuck R. Kelly) and an iconic theme song by Quad City DJ’s. When Hollywood does its soulless remakes and reboots (too many to list), they neglect these kind of factors in hopes that nostalgia and new technology can bring in audiences. 

To James’ credit, I don’t think James just wants to make a quick buck — he actually wants to make a good movie. But based on some things that have come out, I’m concerned he’s going too far. A while back, footage from a reported wrap party for Space Jam: A New Legacy leaked online. In addition to the Looney Tunes, major characters from a lot of Warner Bros.’ properties are somehow going to feature in the film. We’re talking about The Joker, Lord Voldemort, the Wicked Witch of the West, and The Mask. If these leaks are real, how in the living fuck are they going to make all that work? This reminds me of how Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, the long-awaited sequel to one of my favorite movies ever (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy), was basically just trying to cram as much of what made the first film funny. It ended up being way too over the top, even for a modern Will Ferrell movie. They could’ve made it work, but instead the sequel ended up being mediocre at best. 

I’m afraid this is what’s going to happen with Space Jam: A New Legacy. This movie will no doubt make a lot of money. But just like James to Jordan, it will be second fiddle to the original.

Now if you think that’s all I have to say about sports movies, you’ve got another thing coming.

BEST OF THE BIG SCREEN

It’s something any sports fan has either asked or been asked: what’s your favorite sports movie? Answers are as various as the amount of sports teams in existence. Some people love the inspirational comeback or underdog stories. Others love to see the dramatic showdown for all the marbles. Others like the funny spoofs or romantic tales or biographical, historic adventures. There are different strokes for different folks, which makes the “What’s the best sports movie?” question incredibly subjective. People are into different sports and want to see different things in films. Not only is there really no objective way to answer that question, but it’s been asked so often that it’s become boring clickbait to answer.

However, there’s a similar but different question we can ask that not only isn’t asked nearly as often, but is easier to objectively answer. Behold our prompt for the vast majority of this newsletter: “Which sport has the best collection of movies?”

Obviously, there are a metric fuck ton of sports movies out there. So to help narrow things down, we’ll be looking at the best of the best for each sport. I will select ten films for each sport based on personal preference, general acclaim, and critical ratings. We’ve also got to be as well-rounded as possible, so those ten movies will be divided into five comedies and five dramas. Once we’ve picked each sport’s lineup, they will be seeded based on overall critical rating (so I can be objective as possible) before going head-to-head in a bracket until we have our winner. There are 12 sports categories I’ve selected and will go through one by one. Be warned, I may have taken some creative liberties in order to fill out some of the lineups.

One type of film we won’t be seeing in this list: documentaries. Because documentaries use archive footage and interviews, they’re much different than your typical Hollywood film with actors and fake scenery. It would be comparing apples and oranges. I love documentaries (have you not seen my push for 30 for 30 films or my review of The Last Dance?), but they don’t belong here. That’s show businesses…

Now without further ado, lights… camera… action!

When I first thought of the “All-Time Alumni” section featured in last month’s newsletter, my initial inclination was that Miami would win. Then I looked at the rosters and saw how deep the Hurricanes were, affirming my belief in them. After all was said and done, Miami had indeed emerged victorious, Thug Finals not included. Throughout the process, the Hurricanes were at the top, threatened at times but never beaten by their peers.

Let’s see if I’m right again. Here’s this month’s Miami.

As you might expect, baseball has a treasure trove of incredible films. If you’re naming your Top 10 best or Top 10 favorite sports movies of all time, there will be at least two or three baseball ones on the list. America’s pastime is the favorite to take the crown. While some sports struggle to put together five movies for each genre that aren’t terrible, the real drama comes from who doesn’t make the starting lineup. Keep in mind, it’s not just fan support that plays a factor, but critical reception as well. That’s why films like For the Love of the Game, Rookie of the Year, 61*, Angels in the Outfield, Mr. Baseball, 42, Little Big League, The Rookie, and Trouble with the Curve don’t quite make the starting lineup. 

Then, we have one of the three personally difficult but necessary moves of this section: omitting Fever Pitch from the discussion entirely. As a proud Red Sox fan, I’d love to throw in a film about a guy who likes Boston slightly more than I do. But I can’t. Throughout this section, we’re gonna run into several sports-related rom-coms that blur the lines between sports movie and chick flick. I’d like to keep all of these as purely about sports as possible, though some inclusions will be unavoidable. My general opinion is that it’s a lighthearted sports movie if it involves an athlete or the central focus remains on playing sports, with the romance as a side plot. If the romance becomes the central plot point or if it’s more about sports fans/non-athletes, it’s a chick flick. Thus, Fever Pitch is a chick flick, not a sports movie. Don’t worry, this is far from my only hot take you’re about to read. 

COMEDY: Baseball starts out with arguably the best sports movie of all time: Bull Durham. Not enough for you, meat? Try Major League on for size. Rick Vaughn, Pedro Cerrano, and Willie Mays Hayes too wild for you? Let’s go with A League of Their Own. Too much crying in baseball for you? We can go with The Bad News Bears. No matter where you look, baseball can throw out one iconic, classic film after another. We have to complete the quintet with another banger, but this presents us with a dilemma. The obvious choice is The Sandlot, beloved by everyone. That is, except critics. The Sandlot only has a 61% approval on Rotten Tomatoes, by far the lowest of the five films. We can easily substitute that for Everybody Wants Some!!, a good movie that has an 87% rating. It would be the statistically correct thing to do and propel baseball to a near insurmountable lead. However, not putting The Sandlot on this list feels like sacrilege, no matter what consequences this could have on the seeding. The critics play ball like a girl.

DRAMA: If Bull Durham is the Michael Jordan of baseball movies, The Natural is Scottie Pippen, one of the best ever and a film that many people underrate and overrate at the same time. Field of Dreams is another one beloved by fans and critics, although in my research I uncovered some of them coming around to actually say it’s terrible. I can’t find anyone saying that about Eight Men Out, and for good reason: it’s fantastic. Then we get to the final tough but necessary decision. The Pride of the Yankees is objectively one of the best baseball films ever made and sports a 93% approval rating. But look at that name and the subject matter! It burns at my soul. Hell, this is the first time I’ve ever capitalized the word “yankees” in any newsletter. Unlike with The Sandlot, there’s only partisan outrage fueling my dislike of it. I have to leave it in. I can get some redemption with Moneyball, which ends by saying how the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series (after coming back from down 0-3 in the ALCS against New York). Ah, memories.

Basketball is one of the more interesting sports on this list. I definitely had to do more work than I was expecting to assemble a quality starting five for each category. In the end, basketball has one of the strongest drama sections on this list, but a questionable comedy rotation. More than any other sport, basketball is full of sillier comedies geared towards kids rather than genuinely funny movies with great writing. Think Teen Wolf, Like Mike, and Air Bud. While films like Semi-Pro and The Air Up There may have special places in our hearts, critics don’t like them. I had to play the numbers game for comedy, putting one film in the lineup I in no way expected. But as you’ll soon see, basketball also gets bitten on drama.

COMEDY: I don’t give a fuck what the critics say, Space Jam is making this lineup. It may tank the rating, but much like The Sandlot last section, Space Jam is an eternal classic. Another classic, one that actually is objectively great, is White Men Can’t Jump, which ends up powering this category. But it’s not alone — during my desperate attempt to not have to put Like Mike on this list, I uncovered One on One, a 1977 teen comedy/drama with a stunning 88% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Alright, Dad might’ve actually told me about it, but still. I’m also putting Fast Break on here, even though there’s no critical consensus and I either have to use the audience score or fuck myself over during the seed calculation process. You know the perfect example of this stupid sport’s weirdness during this process? The final spot goes to Uncle Drew, the stupid old man movie based off a Pepsi Max commercial with Kyrie Irving. It just has the best rating left. Basketball, much like in real life, only brings me pain and suffering in making this list.

DRAMA: Now we’re getting somewhere. I actually have to make some cuts instead of looking to fill roster spots. Basketball gets started off with a one-two punch of Hoosiers (one of the best and most beloved sports movies ever) and He Got Game (one of the best and most visceral sports movies ever). This category also gets a rare boost from a 2020 film, the solid Ben Affleck flick The Way Back. Adding some variety is the equally rare good sports romance movie, Love & Basketball. It’s when we get to the final spot that things get tricky. Films I thought would contend like Blue Chips and Glory Road have surprisingly low ratings from critics, so low that I can’t bring them on. Then we have films like Finding Forrester and The Great Santini, greatly reviewed but a little too much of a drama movie than a sports one in my opinion. In the end, I went with a film that is definitely a sports movie, doesn’t have the best ratings, but is better reviewed than the other pure sports options. I don’t think anyone will complain about Coach Carter here.

Although I thought Miami would win the All-time Alumni contest, I also thought there were three schools that could beat them: USC, Alabama, and Notre Dame. The Fighting Irish got upset early, which might happen to basketball. But the other two definitely pushed the Hurricanes to the brink of defeat. 

If we have to assign one school to be football in this metaphor, it’s fitting enough that it’s the Crimson Tide. Football has no weaknesses, with each entry in the lineup a certified banger (though you might not have heard of one movie). That isn’t to say there wasn’t any drama with making the selections and having common sense battle comically wrong critical reception. The Replacements, The Blind Side, Little Giants, and We Are Marshall were among those starting lineup cuts. Then, we have a film at the center of a major, timeless debate.

Jerry Maguire is the ultimate “sports movie of chick flick?” film. For a sports film, the focus has to be on the overall sport and be driven plot-wise by the actions on the field. In a rom-com, the romance has to be focus, with sports as a side plot. But Jerry Maguire has both! The titular character is a sports agent and so much of the plot is centered on keeping his only client, Rod Tidwell, happy while proving himself capable as an agent. The very thing that kicks off the movie (Jerry quitting SMI) also ends up sparking the romance when Dorothy Boyd leaves with Maquire. Both sides also get in some iconic lines — “Help me help you.”, “Show me the money!”, “You had me at hello.” Even the Wikipedia entry lists it as a “romantic comedy-drama sports film,” so even if I call it a sports movie do I put it in comedy or drama? Ultimately, I think the question can be answered with another question: If we have to go to great lengths to prove that is a sports movie, is it really a sports movie?

COMEDY: Jerry Maguire is not a sports movie, but it’s sports enough to count and get into the comedy range. There are also some quasi-sports movies at best that make it later, so I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Plus, it’s not like football is lacking firepower here. When you can trot out films like The Longest Yard (the original) and Heaven Can Wait, you’re in a pretty good position. North Dallas Forty can either be labeled a comedy or drama, but we’re going with comedy because I wouldn’t call a movie with a guy sitting in a giant cowboy cleat and pouring beer on his head on the poster a drama. The same can be said with Big Fan, the surprisingly good Patton Oswalt flick showcasing the true life of New York Giants fans. But sadly, it’s more of a drama, which simply has no room for it despite the 86% Rotten Tomatoes rating. Speaking of ratings, The Waterboy unsurprisingly only has a 35% approval from the critics. But if you think I’m leaving it off this list, you’re crazy. Plus, the real controversy is coming up in this next section.

DRAMA: Oh boy, we have some here. Some of the most iconic sports films of all time call this category home. You’ve got an immortal TV movie (Brian’s Song), a movie so good they made a (somehow better) TV show out of it (Friday Night Lights), a movie that sprung a million calls for “Sunshine! (Remember the Titans), and the most overrated movie about a short guy who lined up offsides (Rudy). Four absolute no-doubters right there. The thing is, I thought I had a fifth. I was ready to cement Any Given Sunday in the final spot when I discovered, to my utter shock, that it only had a 52% approval rating. What the hell is up with these critics? I also discovered a replacement with an 88% approval rating: Knute Rockne, All American. It would be a tough yet totally legitimate call. The thing is, would Dad disown me if I dropped one of his favorite sports movies ever in favor of a black and white film about Notre Dame starring Ronald Reagan? The answer is yes, and I value both his cooking and my life. Any Given Sunday is in.

Out of the “Big Four,” hockey is definitely has the least prestigious movie collection. But that’s not much of a criticism considering how stacked the other three are. Despite the comparatively low numbers, some of the all-time classic sports films are about hockey, including a few of my undisputed favorites. However, there is one hockey movie you all know that may be my most controversial snub of this entire section.

I cannot stand The Mighty Ducks. As a kid who knew nothing about hockey (AKA the film’s target audience), I thought it was stupid. As an adult who knows a hell of a lot more about hockey, I still think it’s stupid. Gordon Bombay is an overrated coach and a terrible main character. The plot lines are moronic, even for a Disney movie, that you really, really have to suspend your disbelief. The only saving grace is the child actors, who aren’t even that good. The “Quack” chant is corny and annoying. It’s basically a much worse version of The Bad News Bears with a minute fraction of the wit and charm. Even so, audiences loved it, with the movie’s success led to an animated TV series and to Disney founding an actual NHL team called the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. As a San Jose Sharks fan, I’m legally obligated to hate the Ducks. It also led to a sequel that is so goddamn awful I can’t even put into words. Fuck The Mighty Ducks. This is one of the few times I overwhelmingly side with the critics over the fans. But don’t worry, I’ve got a replacement.

COMEDY: Right away, we’re talking about an all-time great. Slap Shot is probably the best critically-received pure hockey movie, with an 85% Rotten Tomatoes rating and a cult following. The modern day cult hockey movie, Goon, is another violent comedy that’s gotten a strong fan base among actual hockey players. If I could have any fictional athlete’s jersey, it’d be Marco Belchior. Just stay away from his fucking Percocets. We’ll throw a couple of decent flicks in with the criminally underrated Mystery, Alaska and the rom-com The Cutting Edge, a representative for the surprisingly common hockey/figure skating movie mix. To round out the comedy quintet, we have our Mighty Ducks replacement: Inside Out. Now you might be wondering how a Pixar masterpiece about emotions can be a hockey movie. A big part of Riley’s sadness over moving away from Minnesota was leaving her hockey team. One of her mind’s islands is about hockey. The movie ends with her happily playing hockey in San Francisco. It counts, damn it!

DRAMA: This category is definitely top-heavy, but what a Christina Hendricks-esque top it is. Miracle, the story of Team USA’s monumental upset over the Soviet Union at the 1980 Winter Olympics, is one of my favorite movies of all time, period. Just listen to Kurt Russell’s Herb Brooks speech and tell me otherwise. But apart from Miracle, the other hockey dramas are kind of meh. There’s Youngblood starring a young Rob Lowe, a pair of biopics in The Rocket and Mr. Hockey: The Gordie Howe Story, and some other decent ones. Still, that’s kind of it, apart from one notable exception. I want to draw your attention to Sudden Death, which features an insane plot even for 90’s action movies. It stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as a former firefighter who must save the kidnapped Vice President and thwart a bomb threat during Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Of all the crazy moments, the most batshit scene has Van Damme fighting a terrorist disguised as the Pittsburgh Penguins’ mascot, Iceburgh. Gritty has nothing on this!

Ah, now we get to my sport. Be honest, the only soccer movies you guys can name off the top of your heads is Kicking & Screaming and maybe Bend it Like Beckham. All I can say is that y’all are missing out on some good flicks. Well… that’s actually not all I can say.

COMEDY: While Kicking & Screaming is likely the most well-known seemingly the best-liked film of the sport, it actually has a surprisingly low rating on both Rotten Tomatoes (41%) and IMDb score (5.6). This is kind of a theme along Will Ferrell movies, but I happen to be a fan of the guy. That other notable movie, Bend it Like Beckham, is pretty good for a rom-com and deservedly earns its spot. But the best-received soccer comedy in terms of critics, fans, and myself is Shaolin Soccer, a Chinese film about a group of monks who use their kung fu skils to form a formidable soccer team. This sounds like the dumbest premise of all time, but I swear it’s fucking hilarious. Stephen Chow, the guy who made Kung Fu Hustle, is behind this one. Another hidden gem is Mike Bassett: England Manager, a mockumentary that follows a well-meaning but incredibly out-of-his-depth skipper of the England national team. The final spot in the comedy starting five goes to Early Man. What can I say? I’m a sucker for stop-motion films.

DRAMA: What better way to start this section with a Hogan’s Heroes/The Longest Yard mashup starring Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine, Max von Sydow, and Pelé? That’s Escape to Victory, arguably the most popular old soccer movie, for you. One of the most popular newer movies is Goal! The Dream Begins, which had a surprisingly large impact on my middle school years. One interesting subgenre of soccer films is those about fan hooliganism and the violence that it brings. While Green Street is the most popular movie in the U.S. and The Football Factory is the most popular in the U.K., the best overall is the made-for-TV flick The Firm, starring Gary Oldman in arguably his best performance. Looking for Eric is a different, fascinating take on fandom, like Fever Pitch mixed with a bit of Being John Malkovich and Jojo Rabbit. Speaking of Fever Pitch, like the American baseball remake, the original soccer version doesn’t make the cut. Don’t worry, The Damned United is more than suitable to round out the soccer lineup. 

This is the most disappointing sport on this list. I expected golf to have a much better collection considering it’s age and history. Yes, it has three of the most memorable sports films of all time. But apart from that, there are a hell of a lot of movies that are much further in the rough than they are on the fairway. While I uncovered some pretty good comedies to round out the list, they’re in black and white. I had to do some serious digging to find five dramas that weren’t completely mediocre, but even then I have my gripes. I’ll explain in a bit.

COMEDY: Behold, the holy trinity of golf movies: Caddyshack, Tin Cup, and Happy Gilmore. I don’t even have to explain these to you guys. If those aren’t the first three options you think of when asked to name golf films (or at the very least three of the first four), you know much more about golf than I do (which to be fair isn’t that much of an ask). While you don’t have to be a golf fan to love these three, you’d have to be a critic to hate them. As much as these films have become classics, none of these three boast a Rotten Tomatoes score above 74%. That’s fucking incredible. As far as critical response goes, the two aforementioned black and white films end up doing the heavy lifting. In 1952, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy starred in the rom-com Pat and Mike, which you can sort of argue is also tennis movie. A year later, Rat Pack partners Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis combined to create The Caddy. Fun fact: the film also featured the debut of Martin’s iconic single “That’s Amore.” Several points there for sure.

DRAMA: Golf is gonna be brought down heavily by this section. For each film, fans either loved it while critics hated it or both hated it. There’s no true winning here. For example: The Legend of Bagger Vance only has a 43% rating yet remains a favorite of golf fans. Because I haven’t seen it, I can’t pull a Mighty Ducks and overrule the people. See, I’m not a complete tyrant! For some perspective on where golf is at, the two best reviewed dramas I could find were the HBO flick Dead Solid Perfect and From the Rough, starring Taraji P. Henderson, Tom Felton, and Michael Clarke Duncan in one of his final roles. If you’ve heard of either film before now, I’ll give you $10. To round out this section, we have to go old school with films about the early history of the game. The Greatest Game Ever Played and Tommy’s Honour are solid at best and mediocre at worse. However, they’re also the best when it comes to the remaining gold dramas. Who’d have thought so much would be riding on the performances of Shia LaBeouf and Jack Lowden?

I don’t know if you guys are aware, but cars are a pretty big deal in movies. Car chases are some of the most iconic and climatic parts of film, with arguments to be made that those can be races in some form or another. So when it comes to the category of motorsports, it’s important to establish guidelines. Like the martial arts category, only movies that are centered on racing vehicles for sport or end with a vehicular race for sport can be considered. It doesn’t strictly have to be a professional or league race, but it does have to be sporting in nature. This category isn’t restricted to cars, either. Any type of race involving a vehicle or method of transport other than humans or animals [insert horsepower joke here] is fair game.

While this all means that movies about street racing are eligible, none ended up making it on the list. Of all the street racing movies, none are more iconic as those in the Fast & Furious franchise. Remember, before we had cars flying out of buildings and submarines and superhumans, these films had a lot of straight up street racing, which was dope. Canonically, the series’ focus shifted from racing to action/spying/heists with the fourth film, Fast & Furious. Thus, only the first three movies can be considered for this category. Unfortunately, while they might be popular with fans, the trilogy isn’t exactly popular with critics. The highest-rated of those (the original The Fast and the Furious) has a 53% approval on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s the only one above 40%. That’s why arguably the most iconic car franchise in cinema has no representation on this list.

COMEDY: An iconic member of the sports comedy genre, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is insanely quotable, utterly hilarious, and the highlight here for motorsports. The sport also has an iconic comedic franchise in Cars, with the original movie being the highest-rated and in my opinion best. One film with a surprisingly high rating (not that high, but still) is The Love Bug, which was the first to feature the famous VW bug Herbie. No word on emission standards, but we’ll count it. When it comes to comedy, car movies are arguably the silliest in all of sports. It’s in this spirit that there must be a “wacky races” kind of movie represented here. The problem is they’re all terrible. They’re supposed to be goofy and fun, quality of plot and writing be damned. We’ll go with The Cannonball Run in honor of last month’s newsletter. Also because it includes Burt Reynolds, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jackie Chan, Roger Moore, and Terry Bradshaw. I’m capping this list with Speed Racer because I will love Speed Racer forever.

DRAMA: Now we get to motor sports’ strength. There’s just something about these machines that adds to the the drama of usual sports films. Take a couple of recent films in Ford v Ferrari and Rush, both of which play upon the “mano a mano” aspect of the sport. Even one of the movies that isn’t as well received by critics, Days of Thunder, still captures that intense, hardcore showdown feeling that gets audiences’ blood pumping. There are also some old school movies I didn’t even know about that are simply remarkable. Take Grand Prix for example. The 1966 film won three Academy Awards and has a 100% Rotten Tomatoes rating. The Godfather has a 98% rating. We would also add the Steve McQueen film Le Mans, but we’ve already got a film about that race. The final spot could easily go to films like The Last American Hero and Death Race 2000, but I’m going off the grid and putting in Redline, an anime film. This movie is basically Hot Wheels meets heavy metal, with awesome music, visuals, and action. Watch it yourself.

There’s something about boxing that makes it, and thus movies about it, different than the rest. At its very core, boxing might be the purest sport besides wrestling and running. When you play most other sports, you need some kind of equipment — a ball, a stick, a hoop. But for boxing, you don’t need anything. Strip it down to its basic elements and you don’t even need gloves or a ring. You just need two fists and the ability to take a punch. It’s two people trying to punch each other in the face, with the winner being the last one standing. It’s not so much a sport as it is a primal act of combat or self-defense. But while it’s so simple, it’s arguably the most complicated to master and perform at the highest level. All of the feints and movements, the exact form you need to use to get the most power in your punches, the speed you need in your legs, the ability to fake out your opponent or know what they’re going to do. It’s a simple formula: fighter vs. fighter. Yet it’s so much more complex than that. There’s a reason they call boxing “The Sweet Science.”

This is all shown in boxing movies, which when done right are simply astonishing. The violence on its own is enough to draw eyes in. Then, you find out more about those people getting punched in the face. It takes a certain kind of crazy and talent to get into the ring for a living, let alone succeed at it. These people are literally fighting for their livelihoods. They’re interesting by definition. Plus, everything that goes into the fight — agreeing to fight, the intense training camp and weight cutting, injuries, weigh-ins, walking into the ring, then staring down your opponent as the bell rings. Each fight plays out completely like the plot of a film. Boxing, as you will see, has gifted us some of the most iconic movies not just for sports, but all of cinema. This is the USC of this section. But like the Trojans and their QB situation last month, boxing has a weakness that could put it down for the count. 

COMEDY: This is it. While all of what I listed above — violence, attrition, punishment, self-sacrifice — can make for a great film, this doesn’t translate too well to comedy. There have been some attempts, but a lot of them are just awful. I mean, what do you think of when asked what’s the iconic boxing comedy? I could only think of one comedy in general: The Hammer, an underrated, heartwarming flick starring Adam Carolla. It’s a good movie, but it’s not a good sign when the first adjective I can think of for the first boxing comedy is “underrated.” Nevertheless, I did end up putting together a good starting five, albeit after some deep digging. Snatch, much more of a crime movie, is enough of a boxing movie to work here. The same can be said for Let’s Do It Again, although it was good enough for The Notorious B.I.G. to adopt the nickname Biggie Smalls from one of the characters. Then, I had to go way back for both The Milky Way and Battling Butler, which is a fucking silent film by Buster Keaton. Yeah, I dug pretty far.

DRAMA: But then we have drama. Sweet, sweet drama. This is the most stacked section we have, by far. No other comedy or drama section has each movie rated above 80% on Rotten Tomatoes. No film in this section has a rating below 90%. Two of these films — Rocky and Raging Bull — are simply immortal, legendary sports movies. Two more — The Fighter and Million Dollar Baby — are modern day classics whose quality is indisputable. I can’t put another Rocky movie or a Creed movie in the final spot due to my “one per franchise” rule, but honestly I don’t need to. There is such a trove of boxing drama movies it’s fucking incredible. Cinderella Man, Somebody Up There Likes Me, Ali, The Hurricane, Champion, Southpaw — all would be shoe-ins in any other sport. But not this one, not the one where I had to turn down multiple movies with 100% ratings for the remaining spot. One such film, Fat City, did end up as the final one in this section. What put it ahead of the others? It’s set in Stockton and has a character named Ruben.

So… this is where things get complicated.

There are a few great martial arts sports films that deserve to be in this contest. The UFC is one of the biggest sports league and, thanks to Florida, the only major sport happening in the U.S. right now apart from competitive 30 for 30 watching. Seems simple, right? Well, mixed martial arts has only been in the mainstream for a couple of decades, far fewer than these other sports. This means there are fewer MMA films to pick from, and even fewer ones that are actually good. But martial arts isn’t just all of them rolled into one. There are countless different martial arts styles and films made about them. I should have a lot to pick from… but I don’t.

This is by far the grayest area of the entire piece. Martial arts films are their own genre. Whereas boxing evoked a simple primal action, martial arts is straight up a way of life and has been a crucial part of several cultures for thousands of years. Sports is just one of many ways you can go with making a martial arts film. Most are about action and fighting for honor or for fighting’s sake. I can’t just put Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or Kung Fu Panda on here. I want to keep this as much of a sports category as possible, meaning the main plot has to revolve around some form of competition or tournament. Fortunately, there are a good amount to choose from.

Unfortunately, most of them are fucking awful. I don’t mean, “I want something with more than a 60% Rotten Tomatoes rating.” I mean, “I want something that doesn’t completely suck.” There are so many generic, predictable, forgettable martial arts tournament films out there. The amount of terrible Jean-Claude Van Damme movies I’ve had to scroll through is staggering. While I was able to find enough to put together a strong drama section… let’s just say you’re about to see me take a lot of creative liberties.

COMEDY: Remember how I said finding good comedies about the brutal sport of boxing was difficult? Turns out, that was just a warm-up. You want me to list the honest to goodness pure sports-related martial arts comedies I found? Here Comes the Boom. That’s the list. Kevin James as a UFC fighter is the only legitimate movie in this section. What the fuck, martial arts? The problem now is that I have the majority of films I need for the whole sport picked, but literally nothing to fill the rest of this section. Well… almost nothing. Prepare to watch me jump through more hoops than [insert political joke here]. Thunderbolt, starring Jackie Chan, is technically about a racing car driver, but there’s some fighting involved. Speaking of Jackie Chan, one of the twins in Twin Dragons is a street racer! Another good way to go fast? Skateboarding, which happens in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Surfing is a similar extreme sport, and there’s plenty of surfing in Surf Ninjas! There, five films! That’s enough to justify a first round exit.

DRAMA: That is, if this section doesn’t have anything to say about it. I didn’t have to look too hard to put enough drama together, and these films certainly can bring it. The Karate Kid is an iconic martial arts movie that ends with a legitimate sports tournament (and a badass crane kick). Enter the Dragon may go on to involve murder and covert operations, but whole thing starts off with and follows a martial arts competition. Ip Man 2 is the highest-rated film in the Ip Man franchise, as well as the most sporty — the climax is a fight with a boxing champion. Also, I wanted an excuse to watch this scene from the first film again. Then, we have some actual modern MMA in the mix! Redbelt is a criminally underappreciated film, while Warrior is an amazing, powerful, bloody spectacle that might end up being the best film in this section. Maybe if we revisit this in a decade’s time, martial arts will have more of a fighting chance. However, at the moment it looks like whoever faces martial arts is getting a free first round win.

How can we talk about sports movies without mentioning the biggest sporting event in the world? The Olympics bring together the best athletes from around the world every two years (alternating between summer and winter each time). Unless of course there’s a pandemic, in which case everything you know and love is canceled. Anyway, something that happens each year is that, for two weeks, we care about certain sports more than we ever do before forgetting they exist until the next games. In this section, they get another chance to shine. For a film to qualify for this category, it either has to be about an Olympian/Olympians or about a sport that really only matters during the Olympics. 

Now, there are some movies — namely Miracle — that are in other sports but could easily fit here. The line I draw is that they are about sports which are strong enough and have enough movies to stand up on their own. There aren’t enough figure skating or bobsledding or track and field movies to be by themselves. Besides, if you’re saying Miracle doesn’t deserve to be a hockey movie, I will kick your ass harder than the Soviets did with every team other than the Americans at the 1980 winter games. 

COMEDY: “Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time!” Cool Runnings has some of my all-time favorite sports movie quotes and gets a well-deserved spot on the list. That includes asking “Sanka, ya dead mon?” to any of my hungover friends. Speaking of quotable movies, Blades of Glory gets in not just on the basis of being fucking hilarious, but also quite pleasantly well-reviewed. Men with Brooms might not be too well liked by the critics, but it’s a funny, charming movie I randomly came across a few weeks ago. Also, I wanted a curling movie to make the cut. There’s an argument to be made about Eddie the Eagle actually being a drama, but there’s a film on that list that can arguably be a comedy as well. Everything evens out. Come to think of it, all but one film in this section is about a winter sport. The only one that takes place during the summer is the rom-com Walk, Don’t Run, which might be the only film in the history of cinema to cover the single stupidest Olympic sport ever conceived: racewalking.  

DRAMA: On the opposite end of the spectrum is running, arguably the simplest and oldest sport in the world. It also has one of the most celebrated sports movies there is in Chariots of Fire, which of course has that iconic theme, Vangelis. It’s joined on this list by fellow running film Without Limits, which I chose over Prefontaine in the “best movie about long distance runner Steve Prefontaine” debate. By the way, that debate I mentioned in the previous paragraph about the movie being a comedy or drama? That would be I, Tonya, which I’m leaving here because there’s no way I can associate the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan incident with humor other than the sheer absurdity of the situation. Sticking with the true crime theme, Foxcatcher is another recent film to make the cut, in part because Steve Carell is honestly unrecognizable in his role. Seriously, how did the same actor play this guy and this guy? The final film is Downhill Racer, a downhill skiing flick starring Robert Redford I definitely knew existed before now. 

Now we get to the Hufflepuff of the competition. These are the sports that can’t fit into any other section and have really only one or two good films to call their own. Together, they team up to get their revenge on the other sports. But there are some rules to this “best of the rest” group. Like Nymphadora Tonks (one of the best Hufflepuffs), we’re going to keep on changing. In this section, only one film per sport is allowed, partially because it demonstrates that most of these sports are one-hit movie wonders, and partially because I want to challenge myself. Also, movies about things like pool, poker, and darts are not allowed. Those are not sports, but rather games. While there’s plenty of skill involved with sinking a shot in the corner pocket or using a certain hand to your advantage, there’s no athleticism at all. Also, while the wrestling that takes place in the Olympics was included in the section above, pro wrestling (WWE shit) is not included. While it may at times look cool, it’s not a sport. Deal with it.

COMEDY: This category comes out firing, not with wrenches but with dodgeballs. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story leads this pack of ochos into battle along with the somewhat underrated roller derby flick Whip It. Now, you might not think of Kingpin as underrated and instead rightfully as a comedy classic. But it only has a 50% approval rating (WTF, Rotten Tomatoes?). But I don’t care, the bowling movie is in. Surfing movies are mostly either terrible or mediocre. Even so, it may surprise you that the best one is an animated mockumentary about penguins starring Shia LaBeouf. Hey, that’s Surf’s Up for you! I had to do some digging for this last one, but I was decently surprised by what I found. Breaking Away, starring a young Dennis Quaid, Daniel Stern (Marv from Home Alone), and Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen), is a story about a group of high school grads who form a cycling team. It was nominated for four Academy Awards and won one, along with the Golden Globe for Best Film! I’m watching this later.

DRAMA: Of all the sports in this section, horse racing has the best case to be its own category. Unfortunately, it just can’t stack up when you put everything together. I’m going with Seabiscuit because I don’t want to glorify horse girls (looking at you, National Velvet) and because I’ve actually seen it. Tennis is another one you’d think would have more films, apart from a bunch of shitty rom-coms with cheesy slogans with the word “love” in it. But Battle of the Sexes is more than suitable for this list. Although the Olympics section has two running films, cross-country technically isn’t an Olympic sport, so I’m allowed to put the surprisingly good McFarland, USA on here as well. I wish there were more rugby movies (and that the sport was more popular. I can’t leave it out — fortunately, Invictus can justify my feelings. For the final spot, we have to travel to India, because where else can you find a nearly four-hour-long movie about cricket? Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India is a deserved choice to cap off our film selections.

Humans can make up amazing stories involving real sports, so it’s no surprise some have taken on the challenge of making up completely new sports. These efforts have resulted in… varying degrees of success. It makes sense that these completely new athletic competitions don’t stack up to the timeless classics people, you know, actually play. None of these are Calvinball, after all. Still, this is a fun discussion and I need a 12th option to make it an even tournament format, so let’s do it. It was difficult to find ten distinct made-up sports and only like two of these films can be called pure sports movies. Hell, some of these might not be considered sports, especially with the drama section. I’ll explain in a minute.

COMEDY: One of the most well-known fictional sports, baseketball combines America’s pastime with shooting hoops in the driveway. South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone show it off in full glory in BASEketball. But baseketball isn’t even the silliest sports combo on the list. That goes to skeet surfing, introduced in the opening scene of Top Secret!. While Fantastic Mr. Fox certainly isn’t about sports, it does feature a sort of cricket knock-off in whack-bat that the titular character is a legend in. You’d also be hard pressed to justify any of the Harry Potter movies as a sports flick, even though the franchise gives us arguably the most popular made-up sport: quidditch. While most of the books feature a decent amount of quidditch, the movies sadly cut a lot of it out. The highest rated film with some quidditch action was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (90%). Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace has another neat made-up sport in podracing. But why is this a comedy? Because the prequel trilogy is laughably bad.

DRAMA: By far the most depressing section of this entire list, every sport featured in these five films either has a notable mortality rate or is literally about killing people. Why does Hollywood feel that every made-up sport that isn’t in a comedy has to be about death? Probably something involving metaphors. Anyway, probably the purest sport of these is rollerball from Rollerball (the 1975 classic starring James Caan, not the shitty 2002 remake). It’s the only one where death isn’t strictly required, only a possibility. You could make the argument that the battle room in Ender’s Game doesn’t involve death (tell that to Bonzo Madrid). But it’s also literal practice for war. While the running man (seen in The Running Man and set in the dystopian future of 2019) is literally life or death for its competitors, it’s sport for those who watch it. The same can be said for the Hunger Games (Catching Fire is the most favorably reviewed Hunger Games film). We’re capping our lineup with Tron, because light cycle batting is by far the coolest fictional sport.

Alright, anyone still following along at this point? Good, because we’re only through part one. Now, it’s time to determine the bracket. Each of the 120 films (ten films each for 12 sports) will now be subjected to what I’ve found to be the top four most consistent, popular, thorough, and trusted movie review websites out there: IMDb, Metacritic, Roger Ebert, and Rotten Tomatoes. Since both Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes use a 100-percent system, we’ll bring the other two up to scale. 

IMBb’s ten-point system will be multiplied tenfold (i.e. a 6.5 becomes 65%) while Roger Ebert’s four-star system will be translated into fractions (a two-and-a-half star rating becomes 62.5%). Some older movies may not have a score on certain sites, but that’s okay. They just won’t count for their sport’s score for that site. In the end, we’ll average out each site score per sport, then add all four of them together. The maximum any final score per category is 400 points (or 400%), with a maximum total score of 800 points (or 800%). 

Example: underwater basket weaving’s five comedies have a total IMDb rating of 36.3, Metacritic score of 321, 11/20 stars from Roger Ebert, and a 334% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That averages out to 7.26, 64.2, 2.2, and 66.8, respectively. We multiply the IMDb score by ten (72.6) and the Roger Ebert score by 25 (55) to bring everything up to scale. Add 72.6 + 64.2 + 55 + 66.8 and we get the overall comedy score of 258.6. Combine that with the drama score of 293.7 for a final total score of 552.3. 

The sports will be seeded based on those scores. Again, whoever gets the highest score is not the overall winner, just the first seed in the final tournament. Let’s see the results!

When it comes to comedy, baseball is king, being the only sport to eclipse the 300-point mark in this category. Other is somewhat expected to do well, considering it’s a “best of the rest” collection. Fictional is surprising to be near the top, especially with a Star Wars prequel in the mix. Hockey and soccer did great, but two of the bigger sports had disappointing results. Basketball was kind of expected, but I thought football would be near the top instead of in the middle. Also, golf’s big trio of comedies were not well liked by critics as I would’ve imagined. To no one’s surprise, motorsports and martial arts are bringing up the rear. Boxing and Olympics did meh, but they’re going to need their big drama sections to come through. 

Well… they came through, especially boxing. Holy shit boxing’s drama category is by far the best out of any sport’s. In addition to all five films being above 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, three had an IMDb rating above 8 and four had four-star reviews from Roger Ebert. As for Olympics, a second-place finish here isn’t anything to sniff at. Other had another nice surge while martial arts rallied from seemingly nowhere to finish above freaking baseball in this category. Let’s see if this can offset its terrible comedy score. Plus, baseball can take pride in the fact that it’s the only sport to finish above the 300-point threshold in both comedy and drama. Basketball was the other one to go above three bills, giving football another shocking setback. Football’s going to finish in the middle of the pack and possibly get fucked in the bracket. Just warning you ahead of time. Motorsports and golf again finished relatively low, while hockey and soccer’s low ratings might negate any positives they got from comedy. 

Put it all together and what do you get?

Controversy, apparently. Let’s go through some key points.

• The race for first came down to the wire, with the top two seeds being separated by less than a point and third being fewer than two points behind. Boxing’s insane drama category proved to be just enough to get the top overall seed, narrowly edging baseball. Other, meanwhile, was by far the most consistent sport, finishing in the Top 3 of both comedy and drama. These were the only three sports to reach the 600-point plateau.
• Two other big drama surges finish out the Top 5. While Olympics gets the final first round bye, basketball has a seemingly guaranteed spot in the quarter-finals.
• Yep, football got fucked by critics big time. The sport this newsletter is based on has a hell of a path to even making the semi-finals ahead of it. Would things have changed had I substituted Knute Rockne, All American for Any Given Sunday? Probably, but only slightly. Football would still be in the middle of the pack, with some sports you wouldn’t think would do well ahead of them. Speaking of…
• SOCCER HAS A HIGHER SCORE THAN FOOTBALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
• Both fictional and hockey’s awful drama categories brought them down big time, going from Top 4 to Bottom 5 just like that. Both barely finish above motorsports, which is the epitome of meh in both categories.
• How in fuck’s name did martial arts not finish last? Even with its stellar drama category, its horrendous comedy finish should’ve guaranteed it the lowest seed. But no, golf just had to keep being awful as the only sport with Bottom 3 finishes on both categories. I’m not mad, just disappointed.

Now then, after all of that research and calculating and agonizing over ratings and scrolling through countless Wikipedia pages, let’s finally do the damn thing.

I’ll be going through each matchup by comparing the sports’ comedies and dramas. Each category will end in one of three ways. If I feel the two sports are pretty much in a dead heat, I’ll mark it “EVEN.” If I feel one group of films is better than the other, I’ll mark it “EDGE: [SPORT].” If I feel one group of films is so superior to the other that it’s a joke to compare them, I’ll mark it “MAJOR EDGE: [SPORT].” Whichever sport has the better advantage over the two categories moves on. Example: Sport A has an edge in comedy, but Sport B has a major edge in drama. Therefore, Sport B moves on. However, if both sports are even, we go to a shootout. Each sport will dish out their next best five films, regardless of drama. Whoever has the advantage wins.

FIRST ROUND

5. BASKETBALL VS. 12. GOLF

COMEDY: If golf has any chance of making it out of the first round, their holy trinity needs to do major damage. Realistically, the only basketball comedies that can compare to Caddyshack, Happy Gilmore, and Tin Cup are White Men Can’t Jump and maybe One on One. As much as I love Space Jam, anyone who wasn’t born in the 90’s would probably prefer one of the other golf comedies. But honestly, not by that much, given the age of the older golf films. The remaining basketball comedies do enough to keep golf from getting the blowout. EDGE: Golf.

DRAMA: This is why golf needed a major edge in comedy: basketball blows them out of the fucking water. The Legend of Bagger Vance is cliche and boring. Objectively, the best golf drama is The Greatest Game Ever Played. The only basketball drama it could possibly be better than is Coach Carter, and that’s a big maybe. Hell, Hoosiers is better than the entirety of golf dramas combined. It’s early to claim this is the most lopsided categorical matchup of the tournament, but it’ll definitely be up there when all of this is said and done. MAJOR EDGE: Basketball. 

WINNER: Basketball

6. SOCCER VS. 11. MARTIAL ARTS

COMEDY: Remember the last paragraph? Yeah, that except even more here in this case. Soccer has a hell of a comedic lineup filled out with a surprisingly good rom-com (Bend it Like Beckham), good kid (Early Man) and family (Kicking & Screaming) movies, and two hilarious films (Mike Bassett: England Manager and Shaolin Soccer) you guys probably never heard of but should definitely check out. The only movie that could be realistically called a martial arts sports comedy is Here Comes the Boom. It’s absolutely no contest here. MAJOR EDGE: Soccer.

DRAMA: Martial arts needs to strike back here, and it has the firepower to do so. Blending sport with the general martial arts films leads to movies like Ip Man 2, Redbelt, and Enter the Dragon supporting the classic sports film The Karate Kid and the stellar modern flick Warrior. But is it enough to knock out soccer? No. The Damned United and The Firm are good enough to kick it with their opponents. Throw in some variety with Looking for Eric and soccer is able to prevent this from being a blowout and move on to the quarter-finals. EDGE: Martial Arts.

WINNER: Soccer

7. FOOTBALL VS. 10. MOTORSPORTS

COMEDY: Yeah, I definitely didn’t expect to be talking about football so soon, let alone having it in the bottom half of the seedings. Football’s got a long journey ahead, starting with a decent challenge in motor sports. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is by far the best comedy for motor sports and might be the best one on the board. But football is all around notably better, thanks to classics like The Longest Yard and Jerry Maguire. While football doesn’t totally blow motorsports out of the water, it still earns a clear comedic victory. EDGE: Football.

DRAMA: Both sports definitely step up their game here. Motorsports rolls out great movies like Ford v Ferrari, Rush, and Redline, plus a classic in Days of Thunder. But it’s going up against football’s list of all-timers like Rudy, Remember the Titans, Brian’s Song, and Friday Night Lights. It’ll be tough for any sport to take down football’s dramas. Motorsports simple doesn’t have the horsepower to truly compete. Honestly, had motorsports gotten a better matchup, it might’ve advanced to the next round. But that’s just how the motor oil spills. EDGE: Football.

WINNER: Football

8. FICTIONAL VS. 9. HOCKEY

COMEDY: Slap Shot is a classic, Goon is one of my favorites, and Inside Out, while not a pure sports movie by any means, is terrific. So how do the best fictional sports compare to hockey’s funniest? While quidditch bewitches the mind and ensnares the senses, most of the other films aren’t my cup of tea. I’ve never been a big Wes Anderson guy, so I’ve never had an interest in Fantastic Mr. Fox even with its stop motion animation. BASEketball is fun but stupid and don’t get me started on Episode I. Also, see Top Secret!. It’s really damn funny. EDGE: Hockey.

DRAMA: Hockey has Miracle and fictional has Rollerball. Both are the cherry on top of their sport’s mediocre drama sundae. The rest of hockey’s dramas are either not good, so bad they’re good, or among the dozens of generic athlete biopics out there. Fictional has its own pair of films that don’t age well and two mediocre movie versions of terrific books. Seriously, go read the book Ender’s Game is based on. It’s quite entertaining. Anyway, somehow the worst rated drama category is able to pull out a win and move hockey into the next round. EDGE: Hockey.

WINNER: Hockey

QUARTER-FINALS

1. BOXING VS. 9. HOCKEY

COMEDY: So what does hockey get for its first round upset? A showdown with the top overall seed. Unlike the strategy employed by the characters of Slap Shot, it’s best for hockey not to start throwing haymakers. Sure, boxing really only has The Hammer to swing back with (although Snatch is a great Guy Ritchie film), but still. Hockey’s underrated films balance out boxing’s old gems to score a win, albeit not a convincing one. If hockey wants to pull off this massive upset, they’ll have to be ready to take boxing’s ultimate counter punch. EDGE: Hockey.

DRAMA: Turns out, it can’t. I mean, hockey was the worst-rated sport for drama, while boxing was by far and away the highest-rated sport for drama. So it’s no surprise that this is no contest. As much as love Miracle, objectively it’s the only one that can even hold a candle to the likes of Rocky, Raging Bull, Million Dollar Baby, and The Fighter. I mean come on. Hockey has one drama that’s considered among the best sports movies ever. Boxing has at least four that are some of the most iconic films in the history of cinema. MAJOR EDGE: Boxing. 

WINNER: Boxing

2. BASEBALL VS. 7. FOOTBALL

COMEDY: Wow. This is a matchup worthy of the finals. But thanks to the stupid ass critics one of baseball and football won’t even make the semi-finals! These sports are so close. For comedy, they both boast some funny ass flicks. The Longest Yard and The Bad News Bears are a neat comparison, while Bull Durham, Heaven Can Wait, A League of Their Own, Jerry Maguire, and The Sandlot offer something for everyone. Ultimately though, as both pure sports movies and great comedies, I have to give the slightest of nods to baseball here. EDGE: Baseball.

DRAMA: Just when I think things can’t get any closer, we go to drama. Both have their slightly overrated classics (Field of Dreams and Rudy), newish hits (Moneyball and Friday Night Lights), cliche but awesome flicks (The Natural and Remember the Titans), and solid stories of old (Eight Men Out and Brian’s Song). I can’t pick a winner here, which is bad news for football. While the bracket may have been seeded differently without Any Given Sunday, this matchup was coming eventually. While football’s out a little too early, it was going out regardless. EVEN.

WINNER: Baseball

3. OTHER VS. 6. SOCCER

COMEDY: On paper, these sports are dead even. Soccer’s versatility, which was on display in the first round, is matched by other well. From its family friendly comedies (Kicking & Screaming) to rom-coms (Bend it Like Beckham) and straight up laugh out loud films (Shaolin Soccer and Mike Bassett: England Manager), soccer is matched by other (Surf’s Up, Whip It, Dodgeball, Kingpin). However, the difference is simple. I don’t have to explain how good other’s films are, while I have to convince people to watch soccer’s. If it’s good, it should be obvious. EDGE: Other.

DRAMA: While soccer has just as much versatility in the drama category, only some of its films (The Damned United, The Firm, Looking for Eric) pack the punch needed to take on other. While some can argue just how good Battle of the Sexes and Seabiscuit are, Invictus and McFarland, USA are great films. Also, I’m not about to watch nearly four hours of people playing cricket in India (though that’s probably shorter than an actual cricket match), but I’ll take everyone’s word that Lagaan is damn good as well. The best of the rest move on. EDGE: Other.

WINNER: Other

4. OLYMPICS VS. 5. BASKETBALL

COMEDY: Basketball’s biggest strength is its drama section, so it can’t afford to get beaten up in comedy. Fortunately, One on One and White Men Can’t Jump are able to prevent this from being a blowout. However, it was only by the skin of its teeth. Olympics boasts a much better rounded list of comedies, from classics like Cool Runnings and Blades of Glory to modern day hits like Eddie the Eagle to a nice old school film in Walk, Don’t Run. It’s a decisive but not dominant win for Olympics, putting the ball in basketball’s court in the final category. EDGE: Olympics.

DRAMA: With its tournament life on the line, basketball comes out hot with the likes of Hoosiers, He Got Game, Love & Basketball, and The Way Back. Unfortunately, Olympics is one of the few sports that can match basketball’s dramatic prowess. Chariots of Fire has one of the most memorable scenes and sounds in sports movie history, while recent gems in Foxcatcher and I, Tonya have catapulted Olympics to even greater heights in the past few years. While neither sport gets the edge here, Olympics moves on with the aggregate victory. EVEN.

WINNER: Olympics.

SEMI-FINALS

1. BOXING VS. 4. OLYMPICS

COMEDY: Styles make fights, but so does what fighters are made out of. Boxing’s one weakness is comedy, so a well-rounded sport can take advantage. Olympics does just that, with its wide array of diverse comedic films making it the clear winner here. However, a potential finals berth due to a major edge in this category is denied thanks in part to Olympics itself. Boxing’s biggest comedy, The Hammer, is about boxers trying to qualify for the summer games. It can fit in both sports, but its placement ends up giving boxing a way to fight back. EDGE: Olympics.

DRAMA: Fight back boxing does, throwing its best shots, which as we’ve discussed are some of the best shots in all of film. This doesn’t even mention one of the few perfect ratings on any sport’s roster: Fat City. However, it’s not a complete and dominating victory. When Without Limits and Downhill Racer are your weakest films in a category, you’re doing pretty well. That’s the case with Olympics, which gets knocked down but not out for drama. Both sports get a victory, but none decisively. Gentlemen, we’re forced to go to our first shootout. EDGE: Boxing. 

EXTRA: Boxing rolls out Creed, Cinderella Man, Ali, Champion, and The Hurricane. That lineup might be the second-best out of any quintet of all sports, yet it’s boxing’s second string. Olympics goes with Richard Jewell, Race, Personal Best, Jim Thorpe — All American, and The Swimmer. Altogether, this a nice group of five that are solid if not spectacular. Unfortunately for Olympics, you need to be much better than “solid” and “nice” if you want to beat boxing. While this matchup may have gone to a shootout, that’s where all of the drama went away. EDGE: Boxing. 

WINNER: Boxing

2. BASEBALL VS. 3. OTHER

COMEDY: The top two sports for comedy duke it out for a spot in the finals. Both have their critically underrated choices (The Sandlot and Kingpin), laugh out loud classics (The Bad News Bears, Major League, and Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story), films with heart (Surf’s Up, A League of Their Own, and Whip It) and overall just good goddamn movies (Bull Durham and Breaking Away). I can’t pick a winner here. But while it’s even on the scoreboard, other’s resilience has put baseball on the back foot for the first time all tournament. EVEN.

DRAMA: Just like with comedy, these two go back-and-forth in drama. Put baseball and other’s dramas together and there’s not a weak option in the bunch. However, there is a difference. Other’s lineup is one of if not the youngest out of any one category, with the oldest film, Lagaan, debuting in 2001. While other’s dramas may be overall great, none have gotten the chance to stand the test of time. That’s not the case with baseball, with classics like Field of Dreams and The Natural entertaining generations. That’s enough to give it the win. EDGE: Baseball.

WINNER: Baseball

FINALS

1. BOXING VS. 2. BASEBALL

COMEDY: Boxing has come to the doorstep of ultimate glory despite having a bottom half comedy roster. Unfortunately, now is when it finally comes back to bite it in the ass. The Hammer has carried boxing here, but it would only be like the ninth-best baseball, which is absolutely loaded with all-time classic comedies and some of the most celebrated films in sports cinema. Not only does baseball take this category, it does so in convincing and dominant fashion. Once again, boxing has to rely on its strength force a shootout. MAJOR EDGE: Baseball.

DRAMA: There’s no doubt boxing wins this category. Drama has basically been boxing giving every opponent the finger so far. But now, baseball’s giving it right back. With films like The Natural, Field of Dreams, Moneyball, and Eight Men Out, not only does baseball not get blown out, but it actually keeps it close. Baseball has faced a murderer’s row of contenders in this competition. But after beating the disrespected juggernaut, the best of the rest, and the top overall seed, baseball rightfully ends up with the championship. EDGE: Boxing. 

WINNER: Baseball

At the end of the day, America’s pastime is king of sports cinema. Baseball has the best collection of movies out of any sport. As for a complete ranking of each sport, we also have our Top 10. I’m taking out other because it’s not just one sport, but a collection of sports, as well as fictional, because only like two of those movies are even about their sports.

1. Baseball

2. Boxing

3. Olympics

4. Football

5. Basketball

6. Soccer

7. Hockey

8. Motorsports

9. Martial Arts

10. Golf

Also, just for fun, here’s my own Top 10 list.

Ruben’s Top 10 Favorite Sports Films

1. Miracle

2. Bull Durham

3. Remember the Titans

4. The Sandlot

5. Rocky

6. Caddyshack

7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

8. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

9. Goon

10. Space Jam

What can I say? I like comedies.

Before we wrap things up, I’d like to give a shoutout to a man whose name I saw many times during this process.

As I skimmed through nearly 200 movies, I noted several actors who starred or at the very least appeared in multiple prominent sports films. We’re talking about people like Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Dennis Quaid, Kurt Russell, Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Tom Hardy, Denzel Washington, Robert Redford, and more. Each have been a part notable films, some with a wide range of roles and others leading movies in multiple sports. But no one has been in so many quality sports films and had such a diverse range of characters as Kevin Costner.

Costner’s foray into sports cinema began in 1982 with the film Chasing Dreams, about a farm boy who discovers he has a talent for baseball. Costner wasn’t that boy — rather, he played his older brother. But soon it would be Costner’s turn to shine with a starring role in the underrated 1985 cycling film American Flyers, in which he has a mustache. While Costner didn’t have enough star power to reel in audiences then, that was different three years later. That’s when Bull Durham hit theaters, followed by Field of Dreams a year later. Imagine not only starring in arguably the two most iconic baseball movies of all time merely a year apart. Oh, and Bull Durham was a year after The Untouchables and No Way Out while Field of Dreams came out a year before Dances with Wolves. Needless to say, this was peak Costner.

That peak sort of ended with back-to-back box office bombs in Wyatt Earp and Waterworld. However, Costner bounced back with a performance in arguably the best golf movie ever made: Tin Cup. Not a bad way to rebound! A few years later, Costner went back to baseball, this time heading to the mound in For Love of the Game. While that film wasn’t quite as successful, he still kept his baseball swagger even in not sports films, playing another (former) Detroit Tigers player in The Upside of Anger. It took a while before Costner returned to sports, this time taking on football with Draft Day. While he was moderately successful, Costner then surprised everyone by helping turn a run-of-the-mill plot about a high school cross country team into a damn good film in McFarland, USA. Even in his 60’s, Costner’s still got it.

Kevin Costner is the greatest actor in sports cinema history. He’s starred in three all-time classics which are arguably the best ever films for their respective sports. He’s also been in at least four other good-to-great sports films, including a recent soaring success. All of this is stretched across five different sports. Altogether, no one else has put together a filmography of such quality and diversity when it comes to sports. My point is, when you speak of Costner, speak of him well.

ONE LAST THING

They say in life you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Such is the case with the greatest facial hair in NFL history. There have been spectacular mustaches, beards, and goatees. But there has never been anything like what’s growing on Steve Underwood’s face.

Two weeks ago, Underwood announced he was retiring as President/CEO of the Tennessee Titans, a position he held since March 2015. Underwood has spent 40 years with the team, with his past few overseeing a solid rebuild and run to the AFC Championship Game. He has a long, proud legacy in football, but who gives a fuck. Look at that facial hair!

Only a team as forgettable as the Titans could hide such glory for so many years. I didn’t know the Lorax took up residency in Tennessee! I mean this dude straight up has a beak made of hair! I don’t even know what exactly to classify Underwood’s facial hair as, but it probably serves as a living quarantine mask. The best I can do is “double mustache beard,” which sounds impossible and spectacular.

This isn’t just the best facial hair in the NFL, but some of the best face follicles I’ve ever seen period. It gets even better when you see it in action. It looks like a living thing. Most of my coworkers aren’t big sports fans, but I had to show them everything I knew about Underwood. His face mask of hair ended up being the talk of the day in the newsoom.

Here’s to you, Steve Underwood! Congrats to you and your facial hair on a lengthy career and a hopefully enjoyable retirement. Please never shave.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epicness

Reigning Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness