Ruben's Writings

Remember last month when I said there might not be enough content (specifically NFL-related topics) to discuss in the next newsletter?

Yeah… we’ve got a lot to talk about.

(cue theme music)

THIS IS A CALL

You know, I wondered what story could possibly overtake the pandemic as the undisputed top story around the world. Then a Minneapolis police officer kneeled on the neck of an unarmed black man for eight minutes and 46 seconds. Now, the country is on fire. 

The death of George Floyd has sparked a nationwide series of protests and push for police reform and eliminating systemic racism. We’ve seen localized demonstrations in the wake of other deaths of black people at the hands of law enforcement (Stephon Clark, anyone?). But something was different this time. Maybe it was simply one use of force too many to take. Maybe everyone was looking for a reason to unleash their frustrations over COVID-19 restrictions. Maybe it was because someone took video of someone abusing their power of authority for no other reason than because they could. Whichever piece of straw was the one to break the camel’s back doesn’t matter. What matters is that this movement brings permanent change.

I know this newsletter in general is supposed to be a strictly sports scene with sprinkles of shit like movies and TV and video games and pop culture. I know this is especially true with these pandemic newsletters, which were created to be a distraction from the awful virus that caused sports to stop in their tracks. But it was the action of the general population to stick our heads in the sand for so long that’s led up to this. Part of it is that race-related issues aren’t exactly popular conversation starters (except for, ironically, racists). But there’s a difference between not shutting the fuck up about something and being willing to listen to people about it. Another part is that quite frankly, unless you’ve experienced systemic racism and other unfortunate side effects of being a color that some people don’t like, you just don’t understand what the big deal is. Even though I myself am a person of color, I certainly can’t say I’ve grown up knowing the harsh realities of racism. I’m light enough to look white and have people say “Wow, really?” in response to me telling them I’m actually Hispanic. I’ve never lived in fear of being pulled over for being dark or had ladies cower away from me while holding their purses. I don’t get it. But that’s exactly why we have to do something about this.

You don’t have to be a conspiracy theorist to realize there’s something wrong with the law enforcement system in our country. While I in no way believe every cop is a bad cop (the good, genuine officers definitely outnumber the bad ones), there are certainly more than just a few bad apples. We’ve seen it in the deaths of Floyd, Clark, Breonna Taylor, Michael Brown, Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, and countless others. We’ve seen it in the way they’ve shoved protesters to the ground and tear gassed/pepper sprayed them (sometimes to let the President have a photo shoot in front of a church). We’ve seen it in the way they arrested Omar Jimenez while he was reporting live on TV or shot Kaitlin Rust and her photographer with rubber bullets while she was reporting live on TV. We’ve seen it in the way most of them have gotten away with it or resigned en masse whenever some of them have been held accountable. Shit has to change, from the way recruits are taught to the responsibilities they carry to the ability for them to be actually responsible for fucking up. This, of course, on top of the regulations that need to be put in place for society as a whole to not be fighting against people of color.

I have two major worries through all of this. The first is that literally everyone, from government entities to businesses to sports groups I’m going to mention in a second, are only going to enact surface level change and hope everything goes away. The second is that the officer whose knee ended Floyd’s life is going to be found not guilty, igniting riots that would make the Rodney King controversy seem like a minor fire. We also may seem small, wondering what we can do to make permanent change. You can march (peacefully of course). You can donate to community businesses and non-profit organizations that help people of color. You can check out this link to support the Black Lives Matter movement. Most importantly, you can work to be a better ally, to listen and learn and help. Black lives matter, and if your response to those three words is “All Lives Matter,” then you’ve got your head so far up your ass it’s a wonder you can say anything other than “Brown Lives Matter.”

Before we get into how our most beloved sport is handling this, let’s give a big shoutout to the sport I never thought would be at the forefront of racial justice: NASCAR. If you had “Woke NASCAR” on your 2020 bingo sheet, you win. The sport with by far the biggest conservative fan base has had the most visible “Black Lives Matter” demonstration, banned the Confederate flag from all races, and joined up with the LGBT “You Can Play” movement. I fuckin love all of this. I never imagined what could possibly turn me into a NASCAR fan apart from Hell freezing over. But goddamn it if this isn’t doing it. I remember liking Jeff Gordon back in the day and rooting for Joey Logano because he liked the Boston Red Sox. So fuck it, Team 22 it is!

OPEN FOOT, INSERT MOUTH

This is a segment from what I wrote about Colin Kaepernick’s workout fiasco last year, copied over word for word:

“You know what’s the most fucked up part of all of this? Police brutality and the oppression of minorities, the very causes Kaepernick championed, haven’t really changed. While no one thought a football player kneeling would change the basic fabric of American society, there are still unfortunate incidents of people of color dying at the hands of police officers (accidentally and maliciously). The most notable example for us — the death of Stephon Clark — happened a year and a half after Kaepernick first took a knee. Not only were the insane protests that followed notable in their own right, but jack shit happened to the officers who shot and killed Clark. The larger issue hasn’t stopped.”

It was in the Week 12 newsletter. Look it up as further proof that I fucking called it. 

One aspect of the fallout from George Floyd’s death is that it solidifies that Kaepernick actually had a goddamn point when he started kneeling during the National Anthem four years ago. He was protesting police brutality and systematic racism. God if only he had done this four years later, he would’ve gotten a 500-million dollar deal instead of being blackballed by the NFL. 

Funny enough, the NFL has suddenly decided that it suddenly likes it when people support social justice on the field! A week after apologizing to players for not supporting their cause back before it was popular and convenient, Roger Goodell is encouraging teams to sign Kaepernick as a free agent. While I’m not exactly confident in the sincerity of Goodell’s words, it’s still comforting to see Kaepernick actually get endorsed by the NFL commissioner. After all that’s happened, this has to be the way to put a cap on this saga. Actually, there’s only one true way for this to end: Kaepernick signs with New England. The image of Kaepernick in a red, white, and blue uniform with the word “Patriots” in big bold print would be the definitive non-COVID moment of 2020.

That probably won’t happen for several seasons, including the fact that when Patriots owner Robert Kraft is not doing things that inspired my fantasy football team name, he’s supporting his buddy President Trump, who shockingly isn’t one of Kaepernick’s allies. Maybe it’s because of the growing support of the current movement combined with everyone’s overall diminishing opinion of the President due to his fucking up of the protest aftermath and the coronavirus response (along with literally everything else that’s happened over the past four years) that’s led to people giving much less of a shit about his current temper tantrum over kneeling during th anthem. Only by giving into their most blindly nationalist instincts can anyone fail to see that kneeling during the anthem isn’t about the flag (just ask the Green Beret former NFL player who inspired Kaepernick’s idea in the first place). Especially if you’re in the NFL, you’d have to be awfully close to the president to think this way, right?

Drew Brees, you motherfucking idiot.

In what might’ve been the biggest failure at reading the room I’ve seen in a long goddamn time (and yet also the second-dumbest thing someone in sports did related to the protests), the Saints QB stated that he felt would “never agree” with protests during the anthem and went rah rah military with regards to the flag. What then commenced was Brees’ public tarring and feathering by damn near the entire sports world (except for Jake Fromm). From fellow New Orleans teammates Malcolm Jenkins, Michael Thomas, and Alvin Kamara to other NFL players in Josh Jacobs, Richard Sherman, and Jamal Adams to fucking LeBron James, so many athletes came out against Brees’ statements. Even Aaron Rodgers threw some shade in saying that it wasn’t about the flag. Brees quickly responded with a series of public apologies, saying he now realizes he was in the wrong mindset regarding the protests.

Like with Goodell, you have to wonder if Brees’ apology is sincere or an attempt at saving his public image. Personally, I think Brees’ reversal is in fact genuine and he is truly remorseful about what he did. Before all of this happened, everyone would put Brees at the top of their lists as who they thought was the straight up best dude in the league. That’s why his comments cut to the core of so many players. Not only is he this nice person, but he’s been in those locker rooms and should understand where the protesting players are coming from. Does this excuse his comments or his absolutely moronic decision to make them? No way. All of this considered, you have to wonder how this will impact New Orleans this coming season. This is either going to galvanize the Saints into Super Bowl champs or cause them to crumble. Or maybe they’ll lose another heartbreaking playoff game to the Minnesota Vikings.

But as Brees and the Saints try to respond to this and other dumbass Ezekiel Elliott recovers from COVID-19, we can actually anticipate sports again.

THEY’LL BE BACK

Remember when people were protesting about hair cuts? Hopefully the government will listen to the current protests as much as they did those ones, considering things are continuing to reopen despite new spikes in coronavirus cases in several states. We are a nation of impatient idiots, about to actually blow a 28-3 lead because we want to pass the ball instead of running it. Instead of hunkering down for just a little longer, we must have life go back to normal, in spite of the fact that the deadly virus that caused a pandemic is still very much out there. Hell, we may still be in the first wave, let alone the second. But oh no if people can’t go shopping or go to a restaurant. It’s with that mindset and into that world that we start to welcome back sports.

Of course, I’ve already seen my favorite sport come back, mostly because many of the countries where soccer thrives are run by competent leaders. The Premier League, Bundesliga, La Liga, Serie A, and other leagues are back, with the Champions League returning soon. Now, Major League Soccer is getting back into the action with an MLS is Back tournament that will also count towards regular season standings. But fuck that noise, the NHL has somehow made me even more excited about playoff hockey. The league approved a return straight into the playoffs, with 12 teams from each conference competing for the Stanley Cup.

Alas, I know none of you give a shit about soccer and hockey, so let’s just get to basketball. The NBA is inviting 22 teams to Disney World for a series of games and eventual playoffs, from which a champion who totally won’t have an asterisk will be crowned. Teams within six games of the No. 8 seed will compete for the final playoff spot in each conference. Of all of the sports that are now coming back, I give the least amount of shits about basketball. But as I’ve come to realize in my soon-to-be 28 years of existence, I’m not like everyone else. That can be a good or a bad thing. I feel like I’m one the good, nice end of the unusual scale. Basically, the polar opposite weirdness level of whatever Kyrie Irving’s on.

In his latest quest to be rebelliously woke, Irving is leading a group of players who do not want to restart the season, because it would take away from the George Floyd situation. While I can understand wanting to keep the spotlight on the social reform movement, I (not for the first time) have issues with Irving’s logic. First, this issue is not going to stop for a long time. There’s no magic button to delete racism. These are huge changes that will need to be made over the course of at the very least many months. If you want to wait for the world to change, you’re gonna be waiting a while. But maybe Irving should be that change. Professional athletes have a huge platform and a legion of impressionable fans. Remember when the LA Clippers had their silent protest during the Donald Sterling incident? That was pretty damn effective. Given Adam Silver is the most progressive commissioner of the major sports, there’s no way he wouldn’t let his players make statements of their own. It seems Irving is trying to come up with a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. Also, shut the fuck up I want basketball back damn it.

Because all of these sports will either have just begun or will be about to begin by the time the next newsletter will come out, I’ll go into further detail in July. I will say this though, the Sacramento Kings are somehow close enough to be given a pass to Orlando and a shot at breaking the 14-year playoff drought. I give no shits what everyone else thinks. If we somehow make the playoffs, this absolutely counts as breaking the streak. Do I expect the Kings to actually do something positive and get there? Fuck no. Why would I ever be optimistic about the Kings? They can’t have anything nice. For example…

IF YOU DON’T LIKE THAT…

When the Sacramento Kings do take the court again, they’ll do so without a voice they’ve known for several decades.

Grant Napear, KHTK radio host and Kings play-by-play announcer since 1988, is no longer with the team or station. This came after former Kings center DeMarcus Cousins tweeted at him asking him his thoughts on the Black Lives Matter. In what was the dumbest thing someone in sports did related to the protests, Napear fired back with the ultimate Karen response: All Lives Matter. Two days later, he was fired from the radio station and resigned from his position with the team. It was shocking, yet not surprising.

Before all this went down, if you would’ve asked me to describe Grant Napear in a sentence, I’d probably say something like: “a major asshole who happens to be a great announcer.” There are many ways you’d arrive at the conclusion that Grant is a prick, from observing his petty responses to players and viewers who disagreed with him to his scathing rants on anything he didn’t like or anyone who looked at him the wrong way to simply listening to him speak. He’s had plenty of notable wars of words with players, including Cousins (who isn’t exactly himself), as well as his own fair share of controversies. Napear got into hot water for somewhat defending then-LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, saying he can’t be racist because he employs a black coach and GM. Given the lack of logic with that line of thinking, it’s easy to see how Napear decided to take Cousins’ Twitter bait, read the room worse than Drew Brees, and swan dove into the trap. Between Grant’s past issues and the suggestions of racist actions from players like Cousins, Matt Barnes, and Chris Webber, this feels less like what Napear did was inexcusable and that this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Napear gave them the excuse to fire him.

All of that being said, it’s going to be weird to watch Kings games without hearing Napear. While he may be an asshole, that asshole’s voice is lodged in so many memorable moments for my favorite sports team. We’re never going to hear “If you don’t like that, you don’t like NBA basketball” again. The big and suddenly pressing question now: who steps in on the mic with Doug Christie. My heart says Jim Kozimor, while my head says Jason Ross. Given that this is the same team who chose Luke Walton and Marvin Bagley III over Dave Joerger and Luka Doncic, they’ll probably go with someone I’ve never heard of who sucks.

Can any of my sports teams have something nice?

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!

At least Las Vegas is gonna host the Pro Bowl! I highly doubt anyone from the Raiders will even make the Pro Bowl, but still.

STAT OF THE MONTH

Six more years of opportunities to blow double-digit leads in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl!

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY:  

On June 18, 1960, Arnold Palmer pulled off a record comeback at the U.S. Open. Going into the final round, Mike Souchak was leading the pack at -5, two strokes ahead of Jerry Barber, Julius Boros, and Dow Finsterwald. Also in contention three strokes back were nine-time major winner Ben Hogan and a 20-year-old amateur named Jack Nicklaus. Even eventual nine-time major winner Gary Player had a chance five strokes back. No one was thinking about Palmer, who was seven strokes behind Souchak entering the final day. But Palmer went gangbusters on the front nine, starting by driving the green to set up a birdie on the first hole. After chipping for a birdie on the second, he nearly got an eagle on the third before settling for a birdie, which he also got on the fourth by sinking an 18-foot putt. In total, Palmer recorded birdies on six of the first seven holes and seven birdies for a round of 65 (-6), putting him on top the leaderboard at -4. While Souchak (+4 on the final day) and others faltered, Nicklaus and Hogan put up a fight. Hogan was tied for the lead with two holes to go, but found water on both holes and finished ninth at E. Nicklaus was in the lead going into the back nine, but poor putting led to him finishing second at -2. Still, while the day belonged to Palmer and his incredible comeback for what would be his only U.S. Open win, Nicklaus recorded the best amateur showing at a U.S. Open in 27 years. Plus, Nicklaus would end up winning the 1962 U.S. Open for his first major victory.

On June 18, 2000, Nicklaus (now an 18-time major winner) played in his final U.S. Open. The previous year’s winner, Payne Stewart, had died in a plane accident, so Nicklaus was asked to take his place in the grouping of reigning champions for the first two rounds. While Nicklaus ended his U.S. Open tenure by missing the cut, the event was remembered for a whole different reason. Where Palmer’s first U.S. Open win came out of nowhere in dramatic, record-breaking fashion, Tiger Woods’ first U.S. Open title was a record mark of its own. Woods finished day one in the lead at -6, one stroke ahead of Miguel Angel Jimenez. But then weather conditions and the Pebble Beach course began to eat everyone alive. Everyone except Woods, that is, who finished the second round at -8, six strokes ahead of second place. While Woods didn’t improve his score in round three, simply not fucking up was amazing, as Ernie Els sat in second place at +2. Already ahead by double digits, Woods didn’t relent on the final day, going four under to finish at -12, which considering Jimenez and Els tied for second at +3 is fucking incredible. The 15-stroke victory still stands as the widest margin of any major championship and is regarded by many as the greatest performance in the history of golf. It was also the first of four straight major wins for Woods as part of his “Tiger Slam.” Afterwards, Els remarked, “We’ve been talking about him for two years, I guess we’ll be talking about him for the next 20.” Looks like he was right. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2009 — The Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter is launched.
• 1995 — Jonah Lomu baptizes Mike Catt en route to scoring four tries in New Zealand’s Rugby World Cup semi-final win over England.
• 1995 — Norway defeats Germany 2-0 to win the Women’s World Cup.
• 1992 — The NHL expansion draft sees the Ottawa Senators and Tampa Bay Lightning fill out their first rosters.
• 1991 — Former pitcher Dave Dravecky’s cancerous left arm is amputated.
• 1983 — Astronaut Sally Ride becomes the first American woman in space.
• 1981 — The Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk, the first operational aircraft initially designed around stealth technology, makes its first flight.
• 1976 — Commissioner Bowie Kuhn voids the Oakland Athletics’ sales of Joe Rudi and Rollie Fingers to the Boston Red Sox and Vida Blue to the new york yankees.
• 1975 — Fred Lynn gets a Boston Red Sox record 10 RBIs in one game in a 15-1 win over the Detroit Tigers, highlighting a season that ended with him being the first ever rookie recipient of the MVP award.
• 1972 — West Germany defeats the Soviet Union 3-0 to win the UEFA European title.
• 1967 — Don Wilson no-hits the Atlanta Braves 2-0.
• 1953 — The Egyptian revolution of 1952 ends with the overthrow of the Muhammad Ali dynasty and the declaration of the Republic of Egypt.
• 1948 — Columbia Records unveils the first ever LP record album.
• 1940 — Winston Churchill and Charles de Gaulle deliver their iconic speeches to the people of the U.K. (“Finest Hour”) and France (Appeal of 18 June), respectively.
• 1928 — Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly in an aircraft across the Atlantic Ocean.
• 1873 — Susan B. Anthony is fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election.
• 1858 — Charles Darwin receives a paper from Alfred Russel Wallace that includes nearly identical conclusions about evolution, prompting Darwin to publish his theory.
• 1815 — The Battle of Waterloo results in the defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte, forcing him to abdicate the throne of France for the second and last time.
• 1812 — The U.S. declaration of war upon the U.K. is signed by President James Madison, beginning the War of 1812.
• 1429 — French forces under the leadership of Joan of Arc defeat the main English army at the Battle of Patay, turning the tide of the Hundred Years’ War.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1980 — Antonio Gates, former TE.
• 1976 — Blake Shelton, country music singer.
• 1963 — Bruce Smith, HOF DE and the NFL’s all-time leading sack leader.
• 1942 — Paul McCartney, Beatle.
• 1942 — Roger Ebert, iconic film critic.
• 1939 — Lou Brock, HOF left fielder who has more stolen bases than anyone in MLB history other than Rickey Henderson.
• 1936 — Barack Obama Sr., father of a former Chicago resident.
• 1924 — George Mikan, HOF center.
• 1913 — Robert Mondavi, pioneering vineyard operator.
• 1908 — Bud Collyer, iconic game show host.
• 1901 — Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia, the youngest daughter of Tsar Nicholas II and subject of the animated film Anastasia.
• 1854 — E. W. Scripps, founder of the broadcasting company of the same name.

DEATHS:

• 2018 — Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy, rapper known as XXXTentacion.
• 2003 — Larry Doby, HOF center fielder.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Career Nursing Assistants Day! 

There’s no joke here. Keep up the good work on the coronavirus front lines!

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

HIDDEN TREASURE CHEST FILLED WITH GOLD AND GEMS IS FOUND IN ROCKY MOUNTAINS

SANTA FE, N.M. — After sitting undisturbed for more than 10 years, a treasure chest holding gold nuggets and precious gems has been found in the Rocky Mountains. The box was hidden by millionaire art dealer Forrest Fenn; his only clues included a map and a poem. But after countless quests, the search is over.

“The treasure has been found,” Fenn wrote in a statement to a blog run by Dal Neitzel for discussions among Fenn treasure seekers.

“It was under a canopy of stars in the lush, forested vegetation of the Rocky Mountains and had not moved from the spot where I hid it more than 10 years ago,” Fenn said. “I do not know the person who found it, but the poem in my book led him to the precise spot.”

The successful seeker has not come forward.

“The guy who found it does not want his name mentioned. He’s from back East,” Fenn told The New Mexican in Santa Fe. The find was confirmed by a photograph, he added.

The search for Fenn’s hidden treasure became a sensation, luring tens of thousands of people to try to decipher the clues and embark on what they hoped would be a life-altering hike in the wilderness. But for years after the first clues appeared in Fenn’s self-published book, The Thrill of the Chase, no one could find the right spot.

For some, it became a dangerous obsession: In the process of looking for the trove that was said to be worth as much as $2 million, at least four people have died.

READ MORE

I’m so happy I got to use the words “Hidden Treasure” in my show, and not as a metaphor for some stupid scavenger hunt or friendship.

RETCONNING MY CHILDHOOD

I never thought I’d be talking about a kid’s cartoon featuring sea creatures and a magic-themed young adult media franchise in regards to sexuality. I also never thought we’d get the plague, race riots, almost WW3, a helicopter crash that killed a sports icon, half a country going up in flames, murder hornets, and an election between the rich, racist, naricistict, dictator version of Colonel Klink and the physical embodiment of the “Old Man Yells at Cloud” meme all in the same year. But here we are.

June is National Pride Month, which means businesses, sports teams, shows, and everything that can be described as an entity and not homophobic is putting out rainbow graphics showing their support for the LGBT community (sincerely or not). That includes Nickelodeon, which put out a pro-LGBT tweet with pictures of three characters. There was Korra (from Avatar: The Legend of Korra), who is bisexual. There was Schwoz Schwartz (from Henry Danger), whose actor, Michael Cohen (no not that one or the Didion one), is transsexual. Finally, there was SpongeBob Squarepants. That was the one which sent people into a frenzy and spawned a shit ton of articles asking “Has SpongeBob been confirmed to be gay?”. 

I have some issues with this, none of which is the fact that a cartoon character can be gay. I give no fucks about that, have no problem with it, and believe you should be whatever sexuality you need to be to be happy. As far as the sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea, if there was any cartoon character who, if asked, I thought was gay, my answer would 100% be SpongeBob. I mean, have you watched the show? But even my “no shit” response has to be shortened to “no” because of the man behind the sponge. The late Stephen Hillenburg (who created the show) was asked about SpongeBob’s sexuality in 2005, basically saying that as a cartoon sponge, he was asexual. So why is this being brought up now?

Before we answer that, let’s talk about how 2019 me would possibly imagine hating J.K. Rowling while loving NASCAR. Rowling, creator of the Harry Potter franchise, has stayed far from silent since the last of the books and movies based on books have come out (heh). First through interviews to websites like Pottermore and now by simply tweeting things out, Rowling has sprinkled little extra details about characters. The problem? These were details no one asked for, with some of them contradicting things that were in the books. The biggest bombshell came right after the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, when she said Albus Dumbledore was gay. She kept bringing it up for years after this, but now it’s a different kind of sexuality that’s landed her in some hot water.

Recently, Rowling has made a series of tweets and statements many have perceived as transphobic, including defending Maya Forstater, a tax specialist who’d lost her job for what were deemed “transphobic” tweets. Basically she was seen as being so feminist that she doesn’t think trans women are women. It seems a weird topic for Rowling to go into depth about and a weirder hill to die on, but here we are. People got fucking pissed off at her comments, with the actors who played the three main Harry Potter characters — Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson — all speaking out against Rowling’s comments. Now, I’m not going to pretend I understand the emotions and biology that go into transitioning sexes or how doing so impacts one’s identity. That is a bucket of worms I neither can nor want to dive into. All I will say is that I’ll address and identify you as whatever you want to be. Just be comfortable in your own skin.

But this (and the SpongeBob thing) are part of a larger problem for those in charge of major media franchises. They can’t leave well enough alone. If you keep trying to fix something that isn’t broken, you’re going to break it eventually. Who gives two shits what SpongeBob’s sexuality is? It has never once driven the plot or created major character development (not that characters in the show have development anyway). People loved Dumbledore because he was a wise, caring father figure for Harry Potter, not because he was/wasn’t gay. Maybe it’s my growing skepticism from work, but I doubt this kind of backtracking is done to genuinely add something new for artistic merit, but rather instead to seem like you’ve always been on the right side of an issue. Shows like The Legend of Korra and Steven Universe and Adventure Time had major LGBT moments that were and still are impactful because they happened organically, not because they wanted to say “oh yeah us too” like some kid who wanted to seem cool.

Also, this is all about fucking cartoons and fictional characters we grew up with. Stop fucking with my childhood! If I want to talk prolongedly about fiction, I’d do some stupid debate about whether or not Super Mario of The Legend of Zelda has the best games.

Wait a minute…

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MARIO AND ZELDA GAMES I OWN

Last July, I did something you’d figure a Nintendo fan would’ve done before they got into middle school: play my first Legend of Zelda game. I got Breath of the Wild for my 27th birthday, spent several weeks straight playing through it with a somewhat worrying obsession, and wondered why the hell I never got into Zelda before then. I thought I might want to try other games in the franchise, only to learn that Breath of the Wild was so drastically different than any other Zelda game that it pretty much can only be called such because Link, Zelda, and Ganon are the main characters. So I shelved the idea for the time being. 

Then the pandemic hit and I found myself mind-numbingly bored when I wasn’t either at work or working on one of my long, in-depth newsletter pieces that maybe three of you read. I picked up Breath of the Wild again, fucked around for a bit, then wondered if it was finally time to expand my horizons to games where Link actually wears a green outfit. But I wasn’t sure which to play first or how many I should play for my Zelda litmus test. For the latter, I decided on four because combined with Breath of the Wild it would add up to five Zelda games. That’s coincidentally the same amount of Super Mario (a franchise I have longtime love for) games I own and have thoroughly played (64, Sunshine, Galaxy, Galaxy 2, Odyssey). As for which four I should play, I chose a list based on system diversity, ease of attainability, and good reviews.

My first plunge into the “pure” Zelda titles was A Link to the Past, which not only is an iconic member of the franchise but established some key aspects in Zelda lore. Going from a groundbreaking 3D open-world game to a 2D top-down one was a little bit jarring, but the game was so good I got up to speed pretty damn quickly. It was convenient that I could get this game for free on the Switch’s SNES channel thing, as well as that A Link to the Past‘s sequel, Link’s Awakening, had just gotten a remake for the Switch. Just when I had beaten my second 2D Zelda game and wondered if the dimension thing was the reason I was liking these so much, my new copy of The Wind Waker arrived in the mail. I soon realized regardless of dimensions, literally every Zelda game I’ve played has been amazing. For my final choice, I made the seemingly wise decision to go with Ocarina of Time, considered one of the greatest games ever made. Unfortunately, the copy that arrived in the mail has refused to start for my N64 (what a waste of $35) and the earliest a potential replacement or alternate game could arrive was tomorrow. Thus, my adventure came to a sudden end.

Still, I definitely learned a lot about the rest of the Zelda franchise, which has yet to produce a game I have played and would call inferior (notice I didn’t choose Skyward Sword, The Adventure of Link, or Four Swords Adventures). I get the appeal of the exploration, mystery, and hidden detail of the franchise. I was introduced to the concept of actual dungeons, which seemingly go on increasingly forever as the game goes on. I appreciated the subtle differences between retellings of the “Link saves Zelda from Ganon” trope (Link’s Awakening aside, obviously). I’ve also gained an appreciation for just how much Breath of the Wild shook up the formula. However, I’m not quite sure my new love for Zelda could surpass my Mario affection.

That being said, personal bias may be one thing, but objective quality is another. Comparing Mario and Zelda games might be as close to comparing apples to oranges as the original metaphor. Still, these are two of Nintendo’s biggest franchises and put out new titles damn near every year. Both appeal to my heart in different ways, though one is my childhood love and another is a new, sweeping romance. I also now own ten Mario and Zelda games combined (convenient for my Top 10 list), nevermind that I’ve only played nine of them. I’ll make it work.

10. SUPER MARIO GALAXY 2

There’s nothing terribly wrong in terms of Super Mario Galaxy 2‘s design and gameplay, per se. The levels carry the charm seen in the original with some new additions (particularly my man Yoshi). But it’s literally just Super Mario Galaxy with a couple of changes and an even more linear progression. Seriously, they literally just retell Galaxy‘s story, shoehorning in Rosalina (the major character introduced with a lengthy backstory in the original). I don’t care how lovely it looks or how awesome the music is. I’m not going to praise Nintendo for copying and pasting.

9. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME

Had I been able to actually play it, I’m sure The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time would probably rank in my Top 5. Literally every Zelda game I’ve played has been fantastic and Ocarina of Time has been universally lauded as one of the greatest video games of all time (even though the graphics might not hold up today). That being said, because of my bad luck, I can’t in good faith put Ocarina of Time and higher than this. More than a statement on how good this game is, this ranking is more of a testament to how mediocre I think Super Mario Galaxy 2 is.

8. SUPER MARIO GALAXY

Super Mario Galaxy is arguably the most overrated major Nintendo game of all time. I didn’t particularly enjoy the whole gravity gimmick, the Wiimote controls are weird, the hub world sucks and is unnecessarily laborious to explore, the levels themselves are mostly meh (Freezeflame and Toy Time Galaxies aside), and the difficulty was laughably easy, even for a Mario game. Pretty much the only thing I don’t find annoying is the music, which is up to Mario standards. It’s incredible how this is the only main 3D Mario game that’s gotten a straight up sequel.

7. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE WIND WAKER

How the hell did people not like The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker‘s design upon release? The art style is lovely and playful, while still keeping that traditional Zelda feel. The story is greatly enjoyable and the combat system is fantastic. The music is also killer. But I do have problems, particularly with the control scheme, beginning segments, and just how fucking long the endgame drags on. Then there’s the fact that most of the game has you sailing through a big blue void. In no point was I motivated to explore the islands that weren’t required to visit for the story. 

6. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: A LINK TO THE PAST

It came out on the SNES and was the first non-Breath of the Wild Zelda game I’ve played. Yet I was still blown away at how good The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past looked, played, and sounded. It also gets props for being the first to include such things as the Master Sword and parallel worlds. A Link to the Past is also old school, which means it’s definitely yet satisfyingly difficult (I may have used the rewind feature on the Switch’s SENS player more than a few times). It’s also fair, except for those fucking beamos and fireball cannons. Fuck those things.  

5. SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE

You may be surprised to find Super Mario Sunshine this high up, with it being arguably the least platformy Mario game and an overreliance on water. But I really enjoy this game, the hot mess that it is. Sunshine may not be a difficult Mario game and can be quite frustrating at times. But each of the worlds have their own charm and Delfino Plaza is the best hub world the franchise has ever seen. Between the fun controls, exploitable water mechanics, and banging soundtrack, you can spend plenty of time exploring the areas or just screwing around in general. 

4. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: LINK’S AWAKENING

Attention, Super Mario Galaxy 2: this is how a sequel should be. Following up A Link to the Past, The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening is generally the same, good gameplay while set in a new and interesting world. I played the new remake, which is so fucking beautiful and charming. The updated graphics also make it easier to navigate the world and see cracked walls than it did on the Game Boy. We even got some Mario enemies and platforming, so it’s like the best of both worlds. The music is also sublime (not the band). Fuck the Trendy Game, though.

3. SUPER MARIO 64

Mario‘s first steps into the realm of 3D still stand strong 24 years later. Super Mario 64 pretty much nailed everything (except for the camera controls) in terms of level design, movement, difficulty, worlds, enemies, music, and overall feel. While it may seem simple in comparison to future Mario titles, the fact is that 64 is so good that all following games have to introduce a new gimmick (F.L.U.D.D., gravity/spinning, Cappy) because there’s no way to improve on the base game of 64. It’s a shame I still can’t play its fellow trailblazer, Ocarina of Time. 

2. SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY

Super Mario Odyssey represents the best of Mario games past and present. The innovations that Odyssey brings to the table, such as Cappy and the overall movement, are incredibly well done. The worlds are unlike anything we’ve seen in a Mario game, beautiful and with the best sounds in the entire franchise (shoutout “Jump Up, Super Star”). It also wonderfully incorporates nostalgia by weaving 2D segments into its levels. Love and passion is clearly crammed into every nook and cranny of Odyssey. If we got Galaxy 2, we’d better fucking get Odyssey 2 soon.  

1. THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: BREATH OF THE WILD

Where Super Mario Odyssey was the pinnacle of innovation for the Mario franchise, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild completely reinvented the Zelda franchise and blew everything out of the water. From its stunning setting to its fun combat system to its encouragement to explore to its nonlinear gameplay, it’s received well-deserved universal praise. Breath of the Wild isn’t just a landmark title for Zelda and Nintendo, but for open-world gaming in general. I’m not sure how it can be topped, but the sequel Nintendo’s working on has the promise to do just that. 

Now, if you remember the many sports I went through at the beginning of the newsletter, you may recall I didn’t mention baseball. That will change tomorrow.

PART 2 COMING TOMORROW