Ruben's Writings

Remember what I said about things getting better? I really need to stop making predictions. Because we were too eager to get back to normal and our government didn’t do enough to help out people and businesses who are struggling with closures, we reopened way too soon. Now we’re seeing more cases than ever before, forcing things to lock up once again. There will be people being pissy about this, but fuck them. They’re the reason we’re in this shitty situation in the first place. Damn near every other country did the right thing, but we fucked up to the point where the impact will continue to be felt for months even if we all suddenly take this 100% seriously right now. Wear a mask, you fucking idiots.

Having learned nothing from all of this, greed is proving to be the deciding factor once again. See: sports coming back despite the ever-rising amount of coronavirus cases and deaths. League plans are pressing forward despite more and more problems emerging. While the NHL has been by far the most stable, players have still tested positive and there remain big questions about playing on the ice this late in the summer. The NBA tried its best to set up a bubble, but its players might end up fucking it up by doing something stupid like crossing the border for some food (why can’t the Sacramento Kings have anything nice?). That, or it’ll because players like Russell Westbrook keep testing positive. MLB is only going for a 60-game season, but from players testing positive (Freddie Freeman) to players opting out (Buster Posey, David Price, Nick Markakis) to there being no centralized hub (with games in hot spot states still on the schedule), there are plenty of hurdles.

To be honest, I think at least one — probably two — major sports will not finish their seasons. If I had to put money on one of them being safe, it’s the NHL. I think either one of the NBA and MLB will have too many positive tests or have someone fuck up, leading to an aborted season. I just hope the NFL won’t be among them and can learn what not to do in the two months until Week 1. We’re not even bringing college football into consideration. Given the restricted schedule changes and the uncertainty of having students on campus in general, I predict there won’t be a college football season in the fall, with a spring season a hopeful possibility.

But regardless of my expectations for every sport to actually finish the season, sports are finally coming back. The UFC, MLS, NASCAR, and golf have been going for a bit, with the MLB, NHL, and NBA starting up in a couple of weeks. The start dates are before an August newsletter would be due and play should last until the NFL’s projected opening day. I began these offseason newsletters with the promise of going until either sports returned or the NFL season began. Well, sports are back. Mission accomplished. This will be the last newsletter until after our draft. I’ve had fun doing this and I hope you’ve enjoyed these attempts and humorous discussion and normality. But it’s time to bring it to a close, at least until kickoff.

Let’s end the offseason with a bang, shall we?

(cue theme music)

HAIL TO THE [BLANK]

After decades of defiance and stubbornness, arguably the most racist team name in all of sports is finally being deleted. The Washington Redskins are retiring the Redskins part of their name, following waves of backlash amid the push for racial and social justice. Well, that’s not entirely why. Sure, people with brains have been demanding the team change its names to something not racist for decades. Sure, these protests have brought about so much demand for change that it seemed this would finally be the straw that broke the camel’s back. But let’s not forget what made Dan Snyder do what he’s spent years trying to show was unnecessary and saying he would never, ever do — money.

This time, instead of just an angry legion of fans voicing their outrage, 87 shareholders and investors sent a letter to the team, NFL sponsors Nike and Pepsi threatened to drop their support, and FedEx (who owns the naming rights to their stadium and whose CEO is a minority owner of the team) said they would cancel their agreement. Snyder, realizing he finally would actually lose money from being a stubborn asshole, finally relented. Need further proof? Look at their press release about the name change. Sponsors are listed before fans and community in terms of being made happy. Let’s not be so quick to pat Snyder on the back for only being motivated to do the right thing because of a potential bank account hit.

But however it came about, let’s be thankful this is finally happening. For teams with indigenous names — Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs, Chicago Blackhawks — it’s a constant debate over if they’re honoring the people who got genocided by Americans or continuing the humiliation of their culture. I can understand both sides, although I really hope the Braves and Florida State Seminoles do away with the tomahawk chop chant (racist and annoying). Then we have the Cleveland Indians, whose name without a doubt needs to be changed — getting rid of Chief Wahoo was not enough. But for my money Redskins was always the worst offender. Good riddance. Just don’t change the color scheme.

This all being said, there will soon be some other Washington news coming soon. Front office members Alex Santos and Richard Mann II were fired over the weekend without an explanation. Larry Michael, the team’s longtime radio play-by-play guy, abruptly retired yesterday with no fanfare or statement from the team. Rumor has it the Washington Post is about to drop a bombshell today about serious allegations throughout the organization. Naturally, they would do this the day the newsletter comes out so I can’t have any time to react to it and will be behind the news no matter what. Fucking assholes. We’ll just have to watch and wait.

Anyway, the new Washington team name is apparently close to being revealed. But that doesn’t mean we can’t speculate. I’ve certainly got some ideas.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NEW WASHINGTON NAME IDEAS

Full disclosure: suggestions 6-10 are taking the piss out of Washington, while 1-5 are the ones I can actually see being the new name. Enjoy.

10. AMERICANS

Instead of sticking with the name that racistly references the indigenous people of the country, why not have one that references the people who commited genocide against them and forced them off their land? Sure, naming a team based in the U.S. the “Americans” may seem a bit redundant and a bit dumb. But there’s also a team called the Houston Texans, which is like if the Kings were the Sacramento Californians instead. Plus, the Americans would instantly develop the most red, white, and blue rivalry in sports history with the New England Patriots.

9. SNYDERS

If Paul Brown can name his sad sack franchise in Cleveland after himself, why can’t Dan Snyder do the same with his own? Snyder has refused to listen to reason for many years regarding the openly racist nature of his team’s name before. Perhaps the only way he can finally be forced to make the change is to do so with his own fat stamp of approval. I know the Buffalo Bills aren’t named after a guy named Bill, but the name may be confusing enough to help warrant Snyder’s ultimate selfish goal, one that would literally etch his family name in NFL history.

8. GENERALS

On the surface, the Generals seems like a powerful, relevant, very D.C. name for a team. But anyone who’s ever heard of the Harlem Globetrotters has heard of the Washington Generals before. The Generals are the Globetrotters’ most common opponent, spending the vast majority of their time on the court getting punked and dunked on. They’ve beaten Harlem an average of less than once a decade, so they’re already got that part of the Redskins tradition down. They’d apparently be willing to sell the name to Snyder, too! It’s a match made in losing heaven.  

7. REDSHIRTS

If the Generals are the LeBron James of losing, Redshirts are Michael Jordan. For those who aren’t familiar with Star Trek, each crewmember has a different colored shirt based on their rank. For the most part, red shirts are assigned to the lowest ranking crewmembers, the ones who are played by no name actors and get killed to establish the threat of the antagonist of each episode. A redshirt dying is as reliable as a stormtrooper missing a shot. Plus, not only is “redshirt” a football term, this would also let Washington keep the “Red” part of the old name.  

6. SENTINELS

Of all the names I know will never happen, this is the one I want to happen the most. “Sentinels” sounds badass and very D.C./American. I don’t even want to acknowledge the possibility that anyone in the league hasn’t seen The Replacements, where the Washington Sentinels were an actual team. But honestly the fictional team is probably more popular in the D.C. area than the Redskins themselves. I’d take Shane Falco, Clifford Franklin, Walter Cochran, Brian Murphy, the Jackson Brothers, Danny Bateman, and The Leg over anyone on the roster. 

5. MONUMENTS

There are many military/D.C. related name possibilities out there, but I like this off-the-cuff one the most. We don’t have to limit the name Monuments to just the main one named after our first president. There are plenty of old symbols of our nation’s history littered across the capital, which could be rotated out for mascots/mascot races. The Monuments also sounds so much more dignified and unique than many of the names I’ve seen up for discussion. Plus, the Washington Monument looks like a giant dick, which is pretty symbolic of Redskins ownership.

4. HOGS

Back in their heyday of the 1980’s, the Redskins boasted a big and strong offensive line, which was affectionately nicknamed the Hogs. Perhaps even more famous was the group of middle aged white dudes who dressed in drag, wore pig snouts, and called themselves the Hogettes. Idk man white people do weird shit sometimes. Anyway, the Hogs would be a homage to Washington football history on multiple levels. If they don’t want to go for Hogs straight up, they can throw in an adjective to spice it up. Something like the Wild Hogs? Jimmy definitely approves.

3. WARRIORS

While Warriors can be a call to indigenous culture (which Washington says won’t be a part of their new identity), there are ways to make it not do that. Just look at the Golden State Warriors, whose fans would probably be pissed if Washington did make that change (a point in its favor). In addition, there’s the allure of alliteration with the dual Ws. But even with all of this in the positive category and there only being one major franchise with the name, Warriors still feels a little bland and generic. They’d be ignoring all potential unique options and playing it safe. Lame.  

2. RED WOLVES

While not among the immediate contenders when the name change news came out, Red Wolves has suddenly become the favorite, including among Redskins players. The mascot would be the animal of the same name, which is an endangered species whose native territory includes the D.C. era. Washington would get bonus points for shining a light on their plight. Red Wolves is also the name of a U.S. Navy Reserve helicopter squad, so that fulfills the military requirement. If I were a betting man, I would put my money on this being the eventual choice. 

1. REDTAILS

While Red Wolves is a great name, Redtails is perfect. The pioneering Tuskegee Airmen were nicknamed the Redtails for their planes’ color scheme. That not only checks off the military box, but also would immediately transform Washington from the most racially insensitive name to one which honors iconic soldiers of color. Talking about going from an F to an A in an instant. If you want a mascot, you could go for an airman or a red-tailed hawk (shoutout Lisbon). If all is right in the world, the Washington Redtails will become reality. But it probably won’t happen.

Still, even if Washington fucks up their rebrand, it’ll only be the second-dumbest mistake made by someone in the NFC East.

I DID NAZI THIS COMING

At this point, I’m going to need to make a Top 10 list of the dumbest things said and done by NFL players during the offseason. Even though this is usually the time for professional athletes to do dumb shit, this year’s been on a whole other level. I certainly didn’t think anyone would top Drew Brees’ utter failure to read the room on the whole national anthem thing, much less doing so less than a month later.

Then DeSean Jackson posted a quote attributed to Adolf Hitler on Instagram. 

What the actual fuck is going on right now?

There’s a lot to take in about what’s happened since Jackson’s post, but it’s basically devolved into the second race war in as many months. The quote Jackson posted was not actually from Hitler, but still contained a number of ridiculous and offensive conspiracy statements about Jewish people (such as they’re blackmailing America and black people have to be woke to prevent them from taking over the world) and included the phrase “Hitler was right.” Jackson followed that up by posting several quotes from Louis Farrakhan, the head of the Nation of Islam who’s been described as anti-semitic, homophobic, and a black supremacist (among other awful things). Those quotes accuse Dr. Anthony Fauci and Bill Gates of desiring to “depopulate the Earth” with a coronavirus vaccine. I don’t even have to explain how fucking stupid that is.

Jackson, while extremely fast and talented, has never been thought of as the sharpest tool in the shed. But it takes a FOX40 caller level of mentally challenged to see a quote attributed to Hitler and followed by the phrase “Hitler was right” and think “this would be a great thing to post to social media.” The only quote with the word Hitler that should be publicized is one that follows his name with “was one of the most despicable human beings of all time whose ideas should forever be condemned and whose followers should never be allowed to breed.” Keep in mind, the owner and GM of the Philadelphia Eagles are Jewish. Jackson sort of apologized, saying he was only trying to support black people, which is like saying I was trying to support Kosovo’s chances of making the World Cup by murdering all of the other Western European teams. Jackson has since been seemingly more apologetic, talked with a rabbi and offered to visit a holocaust museum. 

Now, if all of this was all simply tied down to Jackson’s moronic ass, there would be much less to talk about. Sadly, this isn’t the case. Kevin Durant liked Jackson’s post, once again confirming that he is a bitch. Jameis Winston commented in support of Jackson, while Marquise Goodwin saw the backlash Jackson was getting and commented that he wished people would get this worked up over the Black Lives Matter movement. Stephen Jackson, who was a vocal part of the sports world’s response to George Floyd’s death, has defended Jackson’s post and Farrakhan’s message, quadrupling down on his ignorance and stupidity since then. Ditto with Malik Jackson and Shannon Sharpe and Allen Iverson. In fact, do some googling and you’ll find a scary amount of celebrities who don’t exactly oppose Farrakhan.

Perhaps the loudest thing in all of this controversy is the deafening silence from the vast majority of the NFL community. When Floyd was killed and the protests began, there was a widespread outcry for social and racial justice — and rightfully so. Those causes should continue to be fought for — just like Kenny Stills is rightfully doing. Those few who voice an All Lives Matter/Back the Blue/Karen opinion were condemned and shunned — and rightfully so. Players, teams, sponsors, and the league as a whole committed to doing better for racial justice, specifically the black community — and rightfully so. But after someone posted a fake Hitler quote against Jewish people (one of the most anti-semetic things you can do), the public outcry in comparison to the above situation is like a toddler who just learned to walk racing Usain Bolt. Virtually no teams (certainly not the NFL itself) and few players have come out against Jackson’s actions, with the majority of those being Jewish themselves (notably Julian Edelman and Geoff Schwartz). Hell, even the Eagles only fined Jackson for what he did. 

So what gives? The answer is somewhere between unmentionable and uncomfortable. Jewish people are commonly lumped in with white people (even though, because it’s a religion and not a race, there can be colored Jewish people). Making fun of white people, calling them crackers and bad dancers, and blaming them for the sins of their ancestors is totally cool in mainstream America. Like Asian-Americans (as I described in last month’s newsletter), they’re often seen as doing well in society and not living in poverty. Their problems aren’t as big as the ones facing communities of color, which is both a correct and incorrect statement. Perhaps the biggest reason is one of the biggest problems with the mentality of some people fighting for equality — they only want equality for their people. In the same way nationalism is viewed as patriotism to some, so has black supremacy to black power. The same can apply to other races. 

Such is the case with Malcolm Jenkins, another strong voice in the NFL community’s support of the Black Lives Matter movement and racial justice. Being chiefly in the “silence is violence” camp, Jenkins was perhaps the most vocal response to Drew Brees’ comments on the National Anthem, telling his teammate to “shut the fuck up” at one point. But in response to the fallout over Jackson’s post, Jenkins said it was a distraction, pushing to continue seeking justice for Floyd and Breonna Taylor while adding “Jewish people aren’t our problem, and we aren’t their problem.” On a similar note, let’s not forget LeBron James, who has been a champion of the black community and similarly shat on Brees for his remarks, remained silent on this controversy in an eerie parallel to refusing to criticise China over the whole Hong Kong situation.

One of the biggest problems I’ve noticed with these discussions and controversies is that there always seems to be a “who’s been oppressed the most” contest, as if only the racism targeting people who’ve been hated the most is valid. Jenkins wants people to focus on the black community’s (rightfully important) issues while ignoring hate directed at another group of people (perhaps it’s because a member of his race spewed that hate). People don’t want to see Jackson kicked off the team for his anti-semetic post involving Hitler because Riley Cooper used the n-word a few years ago and got away with a slap on the wrist. Both actions were reprehensible. One punishment should not have impacted the other. Both deserved to be cut. Two wrongs do not make a right. 

Both the black and Jewish communities (and in fact literally all walks of life) have faced different forms of discrimination and hatred, in ways that can’t really be compared. Instead of comforting their brothers and uniting to fight all injustice, people are actively trying to see who can be the biggest victim, like how kids try to one-up each other by making more and more outrageous claims. Black people can be racist against white people, just like white people have been racist against black people. Racism isn’t just a white person thing. (Lost in all this is the fact that the one group of people you don’t want to get into a “who’s been oppressed more” contest with is Jewish people. See: all of human history).

People should be outraged at Jackson’s comments and light punishment. They should also be outraged at what happened to Floyd, Taylor, Stephon Clark, and to the other people of color who’ve died at the hands of police officers. They should be outraged at the treatment of immigrants at the U.S.-Mexico border, COVID-19-related racism against Asian-Americans, the ways the rich and politically-connected can skirt around the judicial system, Turkey turning the Hagia Sophia from a church into a mosque, China’s oppression of both the people of Hong Kong and Uighur Muslims, and the fact that neither of the heads of the Democratic or Republican party truly have the best interests of the people at heart. Whenever race or religion or class or anything that can be used to divide society is brought into the spotlight, most think it’s often a (no pun intended) black and white issue. Quite simply put, injustice against one of us is injustice to all of us. Never forget that.

Man, even in a section of life that thrives on rivalries and shit talking, this has been an offseason unlike any there’s even been. Players and fans have gone from yelling at each other over games and plays to deadly viruses, wearing masks, police brutality, racism, patriotism, nationalism, and now anti-semitism. Can’t we just go back to more normal, wholesome reasons for hating, like being pissed that the New England Patriots replaced a former MVP QB with a former MVP QB?

OF FUCKING COURSE

God fucking damn it.

I hate how perfect of a situation this is. Cam Newton’s past couple of seasons have been injury-ridden and overall terrible, abandoning his fantasy football owner before the championship game in the process. So given the many questions surrounding his health and ability, a one-year “prove it” deal was the most logical option. The New England Patriots just lost their franchise QB and were facing the prospect of starting Jarrett Stidham. So why not take a chance on a potential new face of the team? Newton has proper motivation to show everyone that he’s still got it. If he does, he gets one more big contract, probably from the Patriots themselves. If he doesn’t, New England can get rid of him and frolic in the right to pick Trevor Lawrence first overall in next year’s draft.

But the big question remains — does Newton still have it? He’s clearly a game changer when he’s fully healthy, which is not often. He’s 31, so biologically he’s nearing the tail end of his prime. While he’s not too old to come back from a big injury, he’s been injured a shit ton. Newton seems to be the second-most injured QB out there, behind only Ben Roethlisberger. Actually, Big Ben might be somewhat of a roadmap for how Newton can navigate the back half of his career (being a major fucking asshole aside). Like Big Ben, Newton is, well, big. While he’s never gotten the accolades Newton has for his agility, Big Ben has a talent for just not going down in the pocket. But while Newton’s legs have been used much for running (a shocking concept, I know), he may have to be more restrictive and use them to just stay upright behind the line of scrimmage. We’ve seen QBs (Kurt Warner, Jim Plunkett, Michael Vick, Rich Gannon) reinvent themselves and their playstyles later in their careers. Maybe Newton can do the same.

The reason I’m leaning towards “yes” as my answer to the above question is the team he’s now a member of: the Patriots. Bill Belichick has constantly used voodoo magic to find key role players and morph his team into whatever style they need to succeed. The early dynasty years weren’t productive solely with Tom Brady’s arm — they relied on a strong running game and defense. As Brady ascended into a QB deity, New England became more of a passing offense with the likes of Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and Julian Edelman. But since Super Bowl LIII, Brady’s kind of sucked, which Belichick did his best to overcome by crafting arguably the best defense in the NFL right now. A lot of that defense is still there, along with weapons like Edelman and the plethora of RBs who will either get 40 yards a game or score four TDs, infuriating their fantasy owners to no end.

If there’s any team that can properly utilize Newton (or what’s left of him), it’s the Patriots, who also have as much motivation as their new QB to prove themselves. While we’ve come to expect the Patriots to be soulless robots, you can bet they’ve heard every bit of the Brady vs. Belichick debate and how Brady and Gronk will lead the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the playoffs, as New England sucks harder than a college girl celebrating her 21st birthday at a frat house exclusively made up of football and basketball players. They want to keep their streak of success going with their shiny (well not too shiny) new former MVP QB. At 100%, Newton is one of the most dynamic weapons in all of football. Now, he’s in the hands of the NFL’s smartest schemer. If Newton is indeed back to full power, god help us all.

Sorry, Buffalo Bills, but I think you’re going to have to wait at least another year to knock New England off the top of the AFC East.

THE FIRST NAIL

The NFL has already felt the impact of the coronavirus pandemic. Travel restrictions and hospital issues have caused some delays to free agency and players getting physicals. Scouting potential draft picks was understandably more challenging. The draft itself was held virtually, a first and hopefully last occurence of its kind, unless ESPN finds another way to bring up how many family members of a certain player have died. But all of these things ended up happening. Sure, they didn’t happen exactly as they traditionally have. Happen they did though. As every other sport has been forced to cancel weeks of games and may not be done (more on that later), the NFL’s plan has remained steadfast and intact. Until recently, that is.

The first nail has been nailed into the 2020 NFL season’s coffin. The Hall of Fame Game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Dallas Cowboys has been canceled, along with this year’s Class of 2020 enshrinement ceremony (it’ll take place along with the 2021 class’ ceremony). In addition, the preseason has been shortened from four games to two, with the first games set to begin on August 20. There are two reasons why this has largely flown under the radar. 1. The regular season is still a couple of months away, so all of the focus is on the other sports’ comeback attempts. 2. It’s the preseason, so no one gives a shit. 

But it’s still pretty significant. This is the first part of an official NFL schedule to be outright canceled since the 2011 lockout, which also happens to be the last time the Hall of Fame Game wasn’t played. Despite watching other sports deal with mass cancelations and positive test after positive test, the NFL has remained stubbornly steadfast in its confidence of a full 16-game season and playoffs. Of course, we all want this to happen — I don’t want the Kansas City Chiefs to be champions anymore and you don’t want me as reigning Epic League champion for any longer than necessary. But what happens when the first positive tests during training camp, preseason, or the regular season become reality? Fortunately for football fans, the NFL can afford to wait and watch what the other sports do. Though this doesn’t mean the NFL isn’t taking precautions, albeit fucking stupid ones.

To try to stop any unnecessary contact and thus the spread of the virus, the NFL has banned players from swapping jerseys with each other on the field after the game. The logic behind this is, quite frankly, not there. God forbid these players who’ve just spent the past three hours tackling and hitting each other hang out for a minute on the field after the game. Maybe it’s an image kind of thing, where the NFL doesn’t want to encourage any kind of contact that isn’t necessary. But even then we get into “is playing football necessary?” territory. I bet the NFL doesn’t give a shit if the players do it inside the stadium or have equipment staff send a jersey over to the other team’s locker room. Banning jersey swapping because players could get COVID-19 while letting them smash into and jump on top of each other makes the same sense as letting a convicted felon serve his time in house arrest because of virus concerns while pushing for kids to go back to school in person even though cases are skyrocketing.

Players, naturally, have not taken the news of the new rules well. I don’t blame them, and I don’t see any reason for this not to create mistrust and anger in future player-owner negotiations. If MLB didn’t exist, the NFL would be the worst-run major American sports league by far. Public perception of the NFL’s stupid governing might also be higher if we weren’t all so blinded by our love of football. It’s actually impressive just how out of touch the league has been with its players, being once again only beaten by MLB in that department. I’m not sure what we know less about, the coronavirus or what the fuck a catch is anymore? While I’m hopeful this rule gets rescinded, I’m much less optimistic in the NFL not doing anything else stupidly, in addition to the whole full season being played thing.

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Because I became a Raiders fan after the team’s Super Bowl XXXVII appearance, there has been little for me to be proud of, apart from the history, color scheme and passionate fanbase. I’ve been proud of the Silver and Black when they pulled off some upsets and beat our AFC West rivals. I was extremely proud of the 12-4 squad from a few years ago before Derek Carr got hurt and his career plummeted. I was proud to boast defensive studs like Charles Woodson, Khalil Mack, and Nnamdi Asomugha. But like overall success with the squad, those players would eventually leave the team in some form or another. There’s been nothing from the current Raiders to sustain pride for more than a year or so. That’s probably going to change.

Remember when you walked into the Golden 1 Center for the first time and, having only known the outdated and falling apart Arco/Sleep Train Arena for your whole life, were blown away by the Sacramento Kings’ new spaceship of an arena? “Holy shit, my basketball team plays here?!?” I’m probably gonna get that same feeling when I walk into Allegiant Stadium for the first time (assuming fans ever get to attend sporting events in America again). Don’t get me wrong, the Oakland Coliseum certainly had its… charm. It was our shithole, but it was still a shithole in the end. In contrast, Allegiant Stadium looks like the fucking Death Star. 

All of us Raiders fans have been following the stadium’s progres since ground was broken in 2017 (I’ve seen it in person during my two trips to Las Vegas since then). Each time, I’m amazed by just how fucking cool it looks. Don’t just take my word for it — Jon Gruden agrees. I simply can’t believe we’re going from decades of playing on dirt for half the season in a concrete arena to playing in a technological thunderdome. For the past few years, I’ve felt uneasy with the move to Vegas — the glitz and glamor of Sin City don’t exactly match up with the rebel image of the Silver and Black. But honestly seeing how sick our new stadium looks is making me feel better. I’m excited to see what this thing looks like when it’s complete and full of Raiders fans (myself included). Just gotta wait until 2021, I guess.

Plus, Allegiant Stadium only cost less than four Pat Mahomes to build!

STAT OF THE MONTH

Fuck Pat Mahomes and fuck the Kansas City Chiefs 503 million times.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY:  

On July 16, 1950, one of the most infamous, monumental upsets in the history of soccer left a nation in utter agony. The 1950 World Cup Final in Brazil capped off a bizarre, but much-needed tournament. It was the first World Cup in 12 years, with the 1942 and 1946 editions being canceled due to World War II. Qualification was a shit show, with many countries unable or unwilling to qualify, with many countries getting an automatic bid as a result. But even so, only 13 of the 16 qualified countries ended up participating, three of them having withdrawn. One of those countries was from a group of three, meaning two teams only had to play one group stage match. Two-time defending champion Italy was eliminated in the group stage, although most of their starting lineup had died in the Superga air disaster. England, thought of as the best team in the world, lost 1-0 to a United States team made up of part-time players (though this isn’t the major upset I mentioned earlier). That upset came in what was essentially a “de facto” final. This was the only World Cup where the final wasn’t just one match. Instead, the four group winners (Brazil, Uruguay, Spain, and Sweden) faced off in a round-robin format, with the team with the most points being crowned champions. On the final day, the only two countries with a shot were Brazil and Uruguay. But whereas Brazil had beaten Spain and Sweden by a combined 13-2, Uruguay had drawn 2-2 with Spain and narrowly topped Sweden 3-2. Uruguay needed to beat Brazil to win the World Cup, while the host nation needed only a draw to claim its first title. These two countries had played in the previous year’s Copa America, with Brazil winning 5-1. Needless to say, Brazil was the resounding favorite in the final match. 

In fact, celebrations had already begun before kickoff at Rio de Janeiro’s famous Estadio do Maracana. An impromptu carnival was held the day of the match. Brazilian midfielder Zizinho said he signed autographs by writing “Brazil, champions of the world.” The newspaper O Mundo’s matchday edition had a picture of the Brazilian team on the front page with the caption, “These are the world champions.” This all pissed off Uruguay so much that captain Obdulio Varela gathered as many copies as he could, then had the team urinate on them in the locker room. To the surprise of many, the first half of the match ended scoreless. But just two minutes into the second half, Friaca gave the hosts a 1-0 lead and seemingly set them on their destined path to victory. But Uruguay would not give up, as Juan Alberto Schiaffino tapped in an equalizer in the 66th minute. Still needing another goal, the visitors pressed on, their hard work finally paying off in the 79th minute. That’s when Alcides Ghiggia snuck a low shot under Brazilian goalkeeper Moacir Barbosa to make it 2-1. Uruguay held on to secure the monumental upset, but their World Cup triumph was overshadowed by the stunned silence that surrounded them. Dubbed the Maracanazo, the loss sent shockwaves through Brazilian soccer, leading to a complete overhaul of everything, including the uniforms. The white and blue kit was replaced with the iconic yellow, green, and blue design we know today, and Brazil would win three of the next five World Cups. But they didn’t win in 1950, thanks in part to Ghiggia, who interestingly died five years ago — 65 years to the day of his country’s triumph. To quote Ghiggia himself, “Only three people managed to silence the Maracana: Frank Sinatra, the Pope, and me.”

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2017 — Jodie Whittaker is announced as The Doctor, becoming the first female to play the leading role of the iconic TV show Doctor Who.
• 2012 — The world premiere of The Dark Knight Rises is held in New York City.
• 2004 — Chicago’s Millennium Park is opened to the public.
• 2004 — Martha Stewart is sentenced to five months in prison plus five months in home confinement for lying to federal investigators.
• 1999 — John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, die in a plane crash off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard in the Atlantic Ocean.
• 1979 — Iraqi President Ahmed Hassan al-Bakr resigns and is replaced by Saddam Hussein.
• 1969 — Apollo 11 is launched from the Kennedy Space Center.
• 1956 — Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus closes its last “Big Tent” show in Pittsburgh, with all future shows taking place in arenas.
• 1951 — The iconic novel “Catcher in Rye” by J. D. Salinger is published.
• 1948 — The cockpit of the Miss Macao passenger seaplane is stormed, marking the first ever aircraft hijacking of a commercial plane.
• 1945 — The U.S. successfully detonates a plutonium-based test nuclear weapon near Alamogordo, NM, beginning the Atomic Age.
• 1941 — Joe DiMaggio hits safely for the 56th consecutive game, the last in his MLB-record hitting streak.
• 1935 — The world’s first parking meter is installed in Oklahoma City.
• 1861 — Union troops begin a 25-mile march into Virginia for what will become the First Battle of Bull Run, the first major land battle of the Civil War.
• 1790 — The Residence Act is signed, establishing the District of Columbia as the capital of the U.S.
• 1769 — Father Junipero Serra founds California’s first mission, Mission San Diego de Alcala, which would evolve into the city of San Diego.
• 1661 — The first banknotes in Europe are issued by Swedish bank Stockholms Banco.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1989 — Gareth Bale, avid golfer who occasionally plays soccer.
• 1987 — Knowshon Moreno, former NFL RB with massive tear ducts.
• 1982 — Carli Lloyd, American soccer icon, two-time Women’s World Cup champion, scorer of hat tricks, and maybe future NFL K.
• 1968 — Barry Sanders, HOFer and arguably the best RB who ever lived.
• 1967 — Will Ferrell, iconic comedian and actor who’s been in way too many hilarious movies to name. By the way, have any of you seen his new movie with Rachel McAdams, Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga? It’s on Netflix. I’ve heard mixed reactions, although those have been better than the ones for Ferrell’s most recent movies. It seems stupid as hell, but I might check it out anyway.
• 1965 — Claude Lemieux, former NHL player and noted asshole whose hit on Kris Draper sparked the legendary Detroit Red Wings-Colorado Avalanche rivalry.
• 1963 — Phoebe Cates, actress best known as Linda Barrett in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, during which she performed the most memorable bikini drop in cinema history (you can Google that yourself, you pervs).
• 1959 — Gary Anderson, former K, the first South African NFL player, and two-time All-Decade Team member who wishes he was more accurate in the 1998 NFC title game.
• 1946 — Ron Yary, HOF OT.
• 1943 — Jimmy Johnson, HOFer and champion coach of both pro and college football.
• 1907 — Orville Redenbacher, founder of the popcorn company of the same name.
• 1887 — “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, iconic outfielder who was banned from baseball as part of the Black Sox Scandal.

DEATHS:

• 2017 — George Romero, iconic filmmaker best known for pioneering zombie horror films with Night of the Living Dead.
• 2015 — Alcides Ghiggia, soccer player who scored the winning goal for Uruguay in the de facto 1950 World Cup Final. 
• 1999 — John F. Kennedy Jr., lawyer and son of President John F. Kennedy.
• 1981 — Harry Chapin, Grammy-winning singer/songwriter and philanthropist.
• 1882 — Mary Todd Lincoln, First Lady.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Personal Chef Day! Did you know there’s a difference between a personal chef and private chef? The latter works exclusively for one client and typically lives where they live, whereas the former can have multiple clients and their own business.

I may need to hire a personal or private chef soon. It would probably be cheaper than the takeout I keep ordering.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

DANCING ROBOTS REPLACE FANS AT BASEBALL GAME IN JAPAN

FUKUOKA, JAPAN — The Coronavirus pandemic has put a large number of restrictions in our daily lives. It has been a difficult phase for all of us since March. One of the restrictions includes banning fans from going inside the stadium to watch a match.

One of the most successful Japanese baseball teams, Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks came up with a creative idea to cheer and motivate their players in their Nippon Professional Baseball (NPB) match against Rakuten Eagles on Tuesday (7/7).

They deployed dancing robots as cheerleaders. There were two types of robots around 20 in total, who danced to the team’s songs on the podium. Some of them wore Hawks caps and waved flags supporting the team.

READ MORE

I was leaning towards a different story, but then Mythbusters Build Team member, Hollywood robotics stud, and all around great dude Grant Imahara passed away from a brain aneurysm. I fucking loved Mythbusters growing up, with segments featuring Imahara, Kari Byron, and Tory Belleci (who also worked together on White Rabbit Project) sure to be interesting and hilarious. But his work behind the scenes was arguably even more impressive. Imahara operated R2-D2 in the Star Wars prequel films, worked on the Matrix, Terminator, and Jurassic Park franchises, built Craig Ferguson’s robotic Late Late Show sidekick Geoff Peterson, and even did some crucial hardwiring for the Energizer Bunny. Beyond all of that though, Imahara was a nice person who was an icon in geek/tech culture. 49 is way too young to go, especially for someone like that. Thanks for all the laughs and learning. Here’s a story about robots in your honor.

Also, once again, you all thought I was done talking about baseball in Asia. Bitches, I’m just getting started.

FIELDS OF DREAMS

With my NC Dinos continuing to light up the KBO and my Chunichi Dragons… well… let’s just ignore the Dragons, Asian baseball remains a common fixture in my lockdown life without most American sports. But while on-field activity remains my main focus until the MLB season begins, I’ve also suddenly been thrust into the fictional aspects of baseball in Asia. To summarize, I stumbled upon a drama show and a TV documentary, was ordered to watch a movie, and had an anime recommended to me. All of this happened within the past few weeks and all of the media was about baseball, mainly the kind taking place in Asia. Because I need something lighthearted in this newsletter to counter the pandemic and racism monologues, let’s lump all of these new experiences into one big review/recommendation piece.

The first item I watched was the only nonfictional one on the list. I mentioned in the last newsletter how the Hanshin Tigers’ ballpark, Koshien Stadium, is arguably the most sacred sporting facility in all of Japan, hosting the final round of the country’s annual high school baseball tournament. While this year’s edition was canceled due to the pandemic, ESPN once again came up clutch with Koshien: Japan’s Field of Dreams, a documentary about the history of the tournament. Cameras follow two teams — Yokohama Hayato HS and Hanamaki Higashi HS — as they vie to qualify for the 2018 edition, which happened to be the 100th tournament. To make it to Koshien, schools must win a tournament featuring all schools in their prefecture. You can become a hero for life based on your performance in the tournament — just ask Shohei Ohtani and Yusei Kikuchi, two MLB players featured in the film.

But if you’re expecting some good rah-rah cheering moments, you’ll be lacking in the end. Japan has a martial arts focus towards their sports — it’s more of a “life or death” kind of thing. That’s why the practices and preparations shown in the documentary are so intense. Imagine Hell Week but literally nonstop, and you get the idea. To be honest, none of the players even looked like they were having fun, except for the moments they could bond off the field. The pressure to succeed and do your job as part of a team reflects the overall work and company-oriented culture of Japan as a whole, with the differences between there and here being quite stark. The film also touches on the downsides to all of this and doing away with some of the old, military-like traditions. Japanese high school baseball is in many ways a reflection of Japan itself.

This is a fascinating look at a familiar yet strikingly different sports world. If you can’t catch a repeat on ESPN, find a way to watch it. I definitely recommend it.

My next adventure was also in Japan, but focused on the professional side of things. In this case, it was the 90’s baseball comedy flick Mr. Baseball, which Dad put on when I came to visit him a couple of weeks ago. The movie stars Tom Selleck as a washed up, arrogant MLB player whose only chance to revive his career comes when he’s unexpectedly traded to a team in Japan (my Dragons, to be exact). Selleck’s character has to navigate being a giant fish out of water and try to do well enough to make it back to the big leagues. While not exactly as revered as Bull Durham, The Natural, Field of Dreams, or in fact any film that made my baseball list, Dad insisted I watch it due to being about baseball in Asia. So I didn’t protest.

The plot is your classic sports film journey of a disgruntled athlete refusing to adapt to change and his new environment not doing him any favors as well. But in the end he does in fact change his ways, the team improves and takes lessons from him as well, and he even gets a lady. But even with such a predictable plot, the film does stand out in a number of ways. I like how the baseball scenes are shot, particularly at night. The enormous Selleck does a great job of playing the oddball American. I enjoyed the subtle displays of Japanese culture. There were even some genuinely funny moments throughout. While some critics liked the film, it holds a putrid 13% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s certainly no Citizen Kane, but it’s definitely not that awful.

Would I go back and add it to the baseball list if I could? No way. Would I recommend it? Well… (remembers who my audience is)… yeah what the hell.

While shopping for Dinos gear, I happened to see a section for something called “Stove League.” A quick Google search informed me that this was about Hot Stove League, a Korean drama show about the offseason operations of a fictional professional baseball team:, the Jaesong Dreams. The Dreams are like the Baltimore Orioles mixed with the Seattle Mariners — they’ve finished last in their league for the past four years and are the laughing stock of Korea. A new GM, Baek Seung-soo, is brought in to turn things around. While Seung-soo has never been in baseball before, he’s led handball, wrestling, and soccer teams to championships. The catch: all of those teams folded after winning the title. As Seung-soo looks to change the Dreams’ fortunes and his image, he has to deal with the traditional baseball offseason challenges, as well as things like a steroid scandal, threats of violence from a star player, corruption, and ownership with sinister motivations. I’ve heard about the rabbit holes things like K-Pop and K-Dramas could lead me down, but was too intrigued by the premise to ignore this show. I’m so glad I didn’t. 

This show is so fucking good. It’s like Moneyball combined with every sports-themed HBO show ever. Seung-soo is a complex and fascinating character, but he’s far from the only memorable member of the cast, each of whom have done a superb job in this series. None of these people are perfect, with their own unique motivations that shows there is nothing that doesn’t have a grey area. Even some of the bigger antagonists get moments of redemption. The writing is fantastic, with twists and turns I honestly didn’t see coming. Stakes are raised and conflicts are resolved, just before stakes are raised again. There were even a few Game of Thrones (Seasons 1-6)-esque moments thrown in there. Even though we as baseball nutters will enjoy the baseball aspects of this show, there’s plenty for non-baseball fans to fall in love with. You can still enjoy it even if you don’t like the sport. I do, and enjoyed immensely more because of it.

Streaming anything beyond the first episode is gonna involve getting a substriction or visiting popup ad-filled websites. But you have to find a watch to watch it. 100% recommend.

The last piece of media is the one I know the least about, which might seem odd because it’s an anime and set in Japan. Ace of Diamond was recommended to me by a member of the league who shall remain anonymous (though hopefully he actually pays attention to defense this year). The show follows Eijun Sawamura, a pitcher with an unusual type of pitch who’s given the chance to play for the prestigious Seido HS. As part of a cast of talented yet… interesting players, Sawamura must prove his worth and lead the team to glory.

Sadly, this section must now come to a somewhat anticlimactic ending. You see, I’m only a few episodes in right now. There are 126 episodes in all, with 52 more in Act II. There’s no way I could’ve finished them all in time for this newsletter. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve liked what I’ve seen so far and will probably give a full recommendation once I’m done with it. But I just can’t do that, having only watched so little of it. Still, it’s giving me something to do as I wait for MLB and the rest of American sports to return.

Speaking of…

SHORTENED PREDICTIONS

Let’s presume all sports leagues will finish their seasons. How will everything play out? 

MLS: In a time of such uncertainty and with a league as full of parity as MLB, I have no fucking clue who’s gonna take the title. But there’s some consistency within the league — Toronto FC and the Seattle Sounders have faced off in three of the past four MLS Cups. Let’s make it four out of five, with the Sounders repeating as champions. Given the many questions surrounding the situation of the country right now, I’m gonna lean heavily on experience for these predictions, even if they may seem to be a little bit boring and risk-free. Just trying to be smart.

NHL: I am so looking forward to this 24-team tournament, especially because the Philadelphia Flyers are getting a first round bye. But I’m not dumb enough to bet on them to continue their hot streak four months later. Even though I don’t like them, the Boston Bruins have been one of the top teams in the league for years, came within a game of winning the Stanley Cup last year, and are full of players with championship experience. They’re probably gonna finish the job. I’ll take it though as long as the fucking Pittsburgh Penguins don’t end up winning it all.

NBA: Let’s get one thing out of the way — the Sacramento Kings are more likely to lose every single game than make the playoffs. Never expect anything nice to happen to this God-forsaken team. Unfortunately, LeBron James has proven that he can carry teams single-handedly in the playoffs, so his team will probably go far. But hell will freeze over before I even write his team name and “will win the championship” in the same sentence. Please, lend the Greek Freak your prayers so he and the Milwaukee Bucks can beat LeBron in the Finals.

MLB: This will be by far the hardest league to predict, given the shortened season, depleted rosters, and universal DH and extra inning gimmicks thrown in. In the end, I’m going with a team full of talent and experience that also has one thing most others do not: a chip on their shoulder. The LA Dodgers were robbed in 2017 (and not in 2018, unlike what some stubborn, spiteful, idiots want you to believe) and now they know if. The Dodgers revenge tour is in full swing, if only because they won’t have time to collapse with fewer games. Just win it for Mookie.

ONE LAST THING

Bruce Smith was a fantastic NFL player and the best ever at sacking the QB. However, he also happens to be terrible at giving answers under pressure, as evidenced by his hilariously x-rated fuckup during the final round of Family Feud. It’s an all-time WTF answer that provokes another legendary reaction from Steve Harvey. I’ll never look at Captain Hook the same way again.

On that note, see you at the draft, boys!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Reigning Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness