Ruben's Writings

Damn, I missed Sundays. Sure, they happen literally every week. But this past Sunday was a different Sunday, especially during the pandemic. This past Sunday was something truly special, something we’ve been looking forward to for a long time. Anyone familiar with me and these newsletters knows this is about the time I throw in some classic misdirection. Well, here it is.

Sunday marked 35 years since Super Mario Bros. was released to the public (in Japan, anyway — it would be released in North America the following month). I really shouldn’t have to describe the aspects of Super Mario Bros., but imagine a world where you don’t jump on platforms and battle giant, fire-breathing lizards as a mustachioed plumber with a red hat. That was the world before September 13, 1985. But ever since that fateful day, the Mushroom Kingdom has expanded into the world’s greatest video game empire.

To say Super Mario Bros. was well-liked and made an impact on the industry might literally be the biggest understatement of all time. It’s the sixth-best selling video game of all time (more than 48 million copies), with only one other game in the Top 10 (Pac-Man) being released earlier. As the iconic 2D platform game, it revolutionized video games as a whole, with everything from its level design to its controls to its soundtrack being studied and copied by everyone who came after. It got its own animated TV show and live action movie (we never talk about those). But of course, the biggest impact is the massive video game franchises it spawned. 

Super Mario Bros. and some of its immediate sequels — Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World — are considered among the greatest video games ever made. Super Mario 64 is not only also in that discussion as well, but is also the pioneering 3D video game. Super Mario Sunshine, Super Mario Galaxy, and Super Mario Odyssey continue to astound and draw in fans, while the New Super Mario Bros. series and Super Mario 3D World carry on the legacy of the OG games. With each game, more characters are getting their own franchises, such as Luigi, Wario, Donkey Kong, and my boy Yoshi. Mario himself has also been the star of several sports games (Mario Golf, Mario Tennis, Mario Strikers), party games (I am genuinely unbeatable at Mario Party 3), and racing games (which self-respecting millennial doesn’t own a copy of Mario Kart 64?). He’s also been a part of Nintendo’s iconic Super Smash Bros. series. Altogether, the Mario franchise as a whole is the best-selling video game series ever, with the Super Mario series being the third-best on its own. Given how many of these games I’ve played and owned, I probably contributed a significant amount to those totals. To think it all was set into motion 35 years ago today.

… oh yeah and football happened on Sunday.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-0) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (0-1)

113.74 – 106.54

After a whole year of shitting on Sleeping Giants, I guess they deserve to get the first recap of the new season. Both they and Darth Raider started off strong, though Clyde Edwards-Helaire (19 points)’s debut pretty much negated Pat Mahomes’ (20 points) production. But then Dad was introduced to the pleasures of having Christian McCaffrey (25 points) on your team. He also introduced us to the wonders of Calvin Ridley (24 points), who combined with McCaffrey made up for the lack of production from Diontae Johnson, the injury to Marlon Mack (at least for the week), and the disappointing day from the 49ers defense. Arik hung around though, mostly thanks to D.K. Metcalf (15 points) and the Patriots defense (11 points). However, poor efforts from Nick Chubb and James White put Arik in a big hole going into Sunday Night. Much like Cowboys fans everywhere, he needed more from Dak Prescott (17 points). That, combined with poor results from Cooper Kupp, was not enough to prevent Dad from incredibly having a winning record.

49ERS (1-0) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

113.48 – 105.10

The year’s first Tyler Bowl proved to be an exciting one. Where else can Josh Allen match Lamar Jackson (28 points each)? I can’t tell if this is a sign of things to come or if the Jets/Browns are that terrible. It’s probably both. 49ers also somehow got great production from Adam Thielen (26 points), the only person in the Vikings who actually did anything against the Packers. I guess it made up for poor days from Cam Akers, Tyler Higbee, and the Eagles defense. Apart from Julio Jones (15 points), most of the rest of the Three Eyed Ravens roster had solid if not spectacular performances. It was good enough for Ewing to have a 15-point lead going into Monday Night. That deficit was almost destroyed entirely by Blake Martinez (12 points) doing well and Evan Engram throwing up a goose egg. From there, Ewing was clinging to a slim lead, hoping Gee didn’t have anything left in the tank. Unfortunately for him, Gee had Derrick Henry (13 points) whose decent day was able to cap off Gee’s impressive comeback to start the year. 

EKEING OUT THE WIN (1-0) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-1)

102.72 – 100.30

Kyle’s newest team name happened to be accurate this week, as EKEing Out The Win lived up to its motto. Things looked lopsided in Kyle’s favor early on for two reasons. The first — Deshaun Watson and Raheem Mostert (21 points) whooped ass and were complemented by nice days from Kenyan Drake and T.J. Hockenson (12 points each), enabling Kyle to build a nice lead. The second — a lot of Jop Suey!!!’s lineup was being saved for Monday Night. But apart from Jared Goff, most of Taylor’s Sunday players — Davante Adams (27 points), Alvin Kamara (18 points), Robert Woods (11 points) — had good to great efforts. Odell Beckham Jr. certainly had a shitty day, which I hope will be the end of the poop jokes. But Taylor still had Melvin Gordon (12 points) — along with Chris Boswell and Eric Ebron (who didn’t do that well) — to go on Monday Night. Meanwhile, Kyle’s lone Monday roster spot — the Titans defense — only got three points. As you math majors can point out, Kyle won by two points. It was just enough to get it done.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-0) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (0-1)

100.50 – 91.38

Well… talk about laying an egg, huh? I’m not sure Orchids of Asia could’ve gotten off to a worse title defense. Yes, Russell Wilson (31 points) played like a man possessed and I managed to get a combined 32 points from my defense and special teams. But overall, my key players did not show up. Michael Thomas, George Kittle, and Mark Ingram (my first three picks) combined for fewer than ten points. I left Robby Anderson (19 points) on the bench. I saw a second TD from D’Andre Swift fall from his hands. I also saw Aaron Jones (13 points) get a garbage time TD for Gruden Grinders, but that’s not the RB who tore me up. Holy shit Josh Jacobs (31 points) I love you but why did you have to do that to me? Jacobs also made up for negative points from the Vikings defense. In the end, it came down to Juju Smith-Schuster (Jimmy) vs. A.J. Brown (me) on Monday Night. Guess who won? Come on, Jimmy. I defeat Richard so you can make the fantasy baseball playoffs and THIS is the thanks I get? This is gonna be a long season, isn’t it?

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (1-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

120.80 – 82.20

It’s an encouraging sign for the league that only two Week 1 games were true ass whoopings. Unfortunately for The Krispy Kritters, they were on the receiving end of one of them. It didn’t help that Miles Sanders didn’t play, Jamal Agnew didn’t do shit, and both Le’Veon Bell and Saquon Barkley had disappointing efforts. Great days from Matt Ryan (24 points), Travis Kelce (11 points), and the Ravens defense (15 points). But whatever Richard did didn’t matter, because C’s New Champ Team (jeez don’t get too creative with the name change) played like they were pissed off after not being able to make lineup changes for an entire season. Even with a mediocre day from Drew Brees, Chriss had plenty of firepower to secure the win. Ezekiel Elliott (24 points), Chris Carson (18 points), and Mark Andrews (17 points) combined for nearly 75% of Nick’s point total alone. The rest of Chriss’ lineup provided solid support, with every single spot contributing at least six points. The scariest part? This wasn’t even Chriss at his full power. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-0) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-1)

134.26 – 80.76

New season, same outcome — Dixie Normous failing to put up points and getting destroyed. Tom Brady (22 points) and Todd Gurley (11 points) were the only ones to put up double-digit points for Nick. Keenan Allen, Joe Mixon, James Conner, and the Colts defense all had pedestrian efforts at best. But let’s save some lines for one of the least-talked about teams from all of last year: Footballdamus. It appears Riez came to fucking play, as did Aaron Rodgers (30 points). Dalvin Cook (20 points) tore up the place, while DeAndre Hopkins and David Johnson (the key cogs of the infamous Texans-Cardinals trade who each put up 16 points) showed they can still perform despite switching teams. When John Brown (13 points) is your fifth-highest scorer, you’re gonna have a good time. While Riez did have one player (Darren Waller) score fewer than five points, only one other roster spot (Mike Evans) gave him fewer than eight points. Sure, this was Week 1. But a 54-point victory to start off the season might be a sign of things to come.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Footballdamus (1-0)
2. C’s New Champ Team (1-0)
3. Sleeping Giants (1-0)
4. 49ers (1-0)
5. EKEing Out The Win (1-0)
6. Gruden Grinders (1-0)
7. Darth Raider (0-1)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (0-1)
9. Jop Suey!!! (0-1)
10. Orchids of Asia (0-1)
11. The Krispy Kritters (0-1)
12. Dixie Normous (0-1)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Footballdamus (134.26)
2. C’s New Champ Team (120.80)
3. Sleeping Giants (113.84)
4. 49ers (113.48)
5. Darth Raider (106.54)
6. Three Eyed Ravens (105.10)
7. EKEing Out The Win (102.72)
8. Gruden Grinders (100.50)
9. Jop Suey!!! (100.30)
10. Orchids of Asia (91.38)
11. The Krispy Kritters (82.20)
12. Dixie Normous (80.76)

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Josh fucking Jacobs. Give him all of the carries. Give him the MVP award. Give him a blank check. Give him everything he needs to make him a Raider for life.

The first game of the Las Vegas era was fittingly a wild shootout, except on the ground (like we all were during Emilio’s bachelor party). Because it’s a win, let’s start with the positives, AKA the offense. Jacobs and the offensive line were phenomenal. Not only did Jacobs have plenty of room to do whatever he wanted, but Derek Carr had plenty of time in the pocket. Even with Jacobs (deservedly) getting the ball a lot, the offense still managed to spread the ball around, with Devontae Booker, Darren Waller, Hunter Renfrow, and even Nelson Agholor getting meaningful touches. Henry Ruggs looked good and fast as hell, though I’m still worried about his injury. Hopefully there won’t be any negative impact for next week.

Now for the defense… which I could’ve sworn made an appearance in Carolina. Although I think the Panthers offense was underrated going into the season, the Raiders made them look top tier. Christian McCaffrey was godlike as expected, but either Teddy Bridgewater’s a legit starting QB or we’re in for a long season. Injuries may also fuck us on this side of the ball, but there was one return from injury that made an immediate impact. Johnathan Abram played like a man possessed out there, even sticking it to McCaffrey a few times. 

But at the end of the day, a win is a win. It’s much better to be 1-0 than 0-1, right 49ers fans? Oh wait… I forgot you guys lost at home to a midget baseball player and a coach who dresses like J.P. from Grandma’s Boy. 

Sunday’s Silver and Black performance is even better when you consider this: zero sacks given up, zero turnovers made, only three penalties committed. I can’t remember the last time I saw those kinds of numbers by a Raiders team. Let’s see if this can continue against the…

(checks schedule)

… god damn it.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 WORST THINGS SKIP BAYLESS HAS SAID

There are two people whose opinions I never take seriously and who I actively try to not include in the newsletters — Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless. Smith has for some reason become a prominent, multi-sport analyst despite only being good for shouting a lot and reaction gifs. Bayless is a relentless troll who seemingly takes pride in being as wrong as possible. Together, the former First Take colleagues represent everything wrong with sports media today: an emphasis on pointless debate, gossip, and shouting rather than informative discussion. They’ve gotten their enormous fanbases even with opinions that aren’t worth shit.

But when one of them uses their platform to say something not just incorrect — but heartless, rude, and potentially dangerous — I have to say something. I am of course talking about the comments made by self-proclaimed Dallas Cowboys fan Bayless about his team’s QB, Dak Prescott. Last week, Prescott revealed he got help for the anxiety and depression he’s suffered as a result of his brother’s suicide. It was incredibly brave of Prescott to open up about what has to be one of the worst moments of his life, and followed examples set by athletes like Kevin Love in being more open about mental health struggles. Everyone applauded Prescott… except for Bayless. Instead of offering up condolences or sympathies, Bayless said Prescott shouldn’t have said what he said because he’s showing weakness, which is harmful to his leadership abilities as an NFL QB. Bayless is getting rightfully ripped apart from his insensitive and horrible remarks, especially after he essentially doubled down on them. FOX Sports themselves condemned what he said (yet they still haven’t fired him). If Bayless somehow survives this, he’s never getting fired. 

I’ve always wondered what kind of a man takes absolute pride in being wrong and contrarian for the sake of being wrong and contrarian. Bayless himself has a history of contrasts in his life. He was the only one of his cooking/restaurant-focused family to not be interested in food. He was named after his father, John, an alcoholic who forcefully poured liquor down his son’s throat. It’s not only why Bayless is sober, but also legally changed his name to Skip after his father died. When asked, every close friend describes him as quiet and soft, quite the opposite of his TV persona. Bayless himself says he never acts out of character or pushes a sports opinion he doesn’t believe.

But while Bayless’ own personal problems and family life should’ve led him to be sympathetic to Prescott, he somehow continues to stay on the asshole side of the debate. While this may have been the worst thing he’s ever said, it’s far from the only contender. Allow this to showcase why no one should listen to or be a fan of Bayless, and why I never poison these newsletters with his presence (and hopefully never will again).

HONORABLE MENTION: BROTHERS BAYLESS

Skip Bayless has a brother, one who’s nearly as famous as him, albeit in a different circle. Rick Bayless is a celebrity chef, having won the first season of Top Chef Masters. Rick isn’t interested in sports and Skip isn’t interested in food, so they don’t talk a lot. But there’s no evidence of bad blood between the brothers. I just thought this was interesting and I couldn’t fit it elsewhere.

10. EVERY SINGLE SPORTS TAKE

While I’m focusing on more serious subjects, it’s important to point out just how incredibly wrong Skip Bayless is on a major, constant level. Some of my favorites: his love of Tim Tebow (better than a healthy Peyton Manning and more clutch than Aaron Rodgers, Von Miller is overrated, Josh Freeman over Cam Newton, coach Derek Fisher over coach Steve Kerr, Manti Te’o will be the next Ray Lewis, Brandon Weeden being the biggest draft steal, and (last but certainly not least) Johnny Manziel will be a more beloved figure in Cleveland than LeBron James.

9. JOHNNY ALCOHOL

When it comes to the subject of that last take, even when Skip Bayless is right, he’s in the wrong. In December 2014, Bayless said Johnny Manziel was an alcoholic and needed to get some help. ESPN later backed up Bayless, citing his sources within the Cleveland Browns and his own familiarity with alcoholism in his family. Of course, Manziel would soon be out of football, thanks to a mix of declining ability and off-field issues, which included alcohol. However, this doesn’t excuse Bayless for going there. As The Dude said, “you’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.”

8. BIRACIAL ANGEL ALLEGATIONS

While many people were enjoying a bit of a Derek Jeter renaissance in 2012, Skip Bayless was not one of them. Bayless looked at Jeter’s age (38 at the time) and increased production from the following season and all but outright alleged he was using PEDs for no real reason. Steroids have been a problem in baseball for decades, with skeptics (read: assholes) claiming anytime a player does better that PEDs were to blame. For the record: Jeter has never tested positive or been associated with steroids. Fuck Skip Bayless for making me defend Derek Jeter. 

7. A LOT OF SELF LOVE

While criticizing Russell Westbrook in 2012, Skip Bayless tried to lend credence to his argument by claiming he was a star player for his high school basketball team. Turns out, that was a lie. Bayless, as it turns out, was only a star JV player, rode the pine his junior year (when his school won the state title), and averaged just 1.4 points per game. But this was far from the last time Bayless stroked his own ego. When he’s not working out or bragging about his “jacked” physique, Bayless is praising himself on social media (while forgetting to use his burner account).  

6. THE TROY AIKMAN STUFF

Remember that stuff about Troy Aikman I mentioned Skip Bayless wrote in Hell-Bent? While Bayless never explicitly made these claims, he nonetheless wrote about “the rumor” that Aikman was gay, which was heavily specilated in the Dallas area (keep in mind, this was the 90’s). There were also rumors that Aikman called a teammate the n-word and took a dive in a game against Washington. All of these came from “the [Barry] Switzer camp.” Aikman (who works for FOX Sports) hates Bayless so much he said this when Bayless was hired there in 2016. 

5. CAN’T GET A BREAK

When Gordon Hayward suffered a horrific ankle injury in the 2017 NBA season opener, everyone offered him well wishes. That included Skip Bayless, who called the injury “JUST AWFUL.” But less than ten minutes later, Bayless tweeted speculation that Hayward’s injury would make LeBron James’ “path to losing a sixth finals” easier. He couldn’t even wait ten minutes before turning a potential career-threatening injury into a shot at LeBron. Everyone from fans to NBA players rightfully went on social media to criticize Bayless’ cold (on many levels) take.

4. WHITE MEN CAN’T BE DRAFTED

Now we’re getting into the race-baiting portion of the Skip Bayless controversy. Ahead of the 2012 NBA Draft, Bayless said he was totally against any team selecting any “American-born white players.” Putting aside the problems with characterizing people based on the color of their skin, a bust is a bust — regardless of race. It’s not like Larry Bird, Kevin Love, J.J. Reddick, and Kyle Korver (not to mention mixed-race players like Blake Griffin and Brook Lopez) have had success. But Bayless would end up doubling down on a similar issue a few weeks later.

3. FOR THE BLACK GUY

The QB controversy between rookies Robert Griffin III and Kirk Cousins got an unnecessary dose of gasoline thanks to Skip Bayless, who speculated that the race dynamic between Griffin (who is black) and Cousins (who is right) played into fans’ perception of everything. Trying to make himself seem like the good guy, Bayless added, “I’m for the black guy” and condemned the racial element of the QB duel he himself added months earlier. Unfortunately, this instance wasn’t even the most controversial race-based incident involving RG3 that Bayless was a part of.

2. NOT HELPING THINGS

In December 2012, Robert Griffin III said he didn’t want to be perceived as solely a black QB. Guest analyst Rob Parker made a series of fucked up comments, wondering if Griffin was a “cornball brother,” questioning his white fiancee, and wondering if he was a Republican. While Stephen A. Smith denounced what was said and Cari Champion immediately questioned Parker on his words, Skip Bayless asked Parker if Griffin’s braids did anything to soften his concerns. While Bayless didn’t make the dumbass remarks, he certainly didn’t do anything to help.  

1. DAK AND DEPRESSION

Not that any of these Skip Bayless takes are defensible, but the recent comments about Dak Prescott and his brother’s death have to be the least defensible yet. There’s no humanity in what he said or his (lack of an) apology. Not how many of the above instances came in 2012. How the hell did he not get fired that year? Hell, it’s 2020. How the hell is this race-baiting, selfish, idiotic, heartless intentional/unintentional troll still employed by a major network? It’s beyond time for Bayless to go, so it won’t be a surprise to me if Bayless survives like the cockroach he is.

STAT OF THE WEEK

“Fuck your tank.” — Gardner Minshew, probably. 

Also, Garner Minshew in 2020: 1-0. Leonard Fournette’s “first real QB” in 2020: 0-2.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 17, 1920, the NFL was founded. Yeah, it’s kind of tough to find a moment in NFL history more significant than this one. Professional football first began in 1892, when former Yale OG William “Pudge” Heffelfinger was paid $500 to play a game for the Allegheny Athletic Association. In the 22 years that followed, problems such as team stability, travel, salary, level of play, and scheduling plagued the game. So owners of some of the more prominent teams at the time decided to form a league to make sure proper rules were uniformly in place. Those discussions culminated 100 years ago today in Canton, Ohio, at the Hupmobile showroom of Ralph Hay, owner of the Canton Bulldogs. At this meeting, the league’s name (American Professional Football Association), president (Jim Thorpe), and first several members were officially decided. The entry fee was $100. The first game featuring an APFA team was played nine days later, with the first all-APFA game happening the following week. The Akron Pros were the first champion, but didn’t get the last laugh. Of the 14 original NFL teams, only two remain in existence — the Decatur Staleys (now the Chicago Bears) and the Chicago Cardinals (now the Arizona Cardinals). Staleys head coach George Halas was at that famous meeting.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2013 — Grand Theft Auto V is released, becoming the fastest-selling entertainment product in history with $800M earned in its first day.
• 2011 — Occupy Wall Street movement begins in Zuccotti Park, New York City.
• 2001 — The New York Stock Exchange reopens for trading after the September 11 attacks, ending the longest closure since the Great Depression.
• 1996 — Hideo Nomo no-hits the Colorado Rockies.
• 1988 — The Summer Olympics open in Seoul.
• 1983 — Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America.
• 1976 — The Space Shuttle Enterprise is unveiled by NASA.
• 1968 — Gaylord Perry no-hits the St. Louis Cardinals.
• 1967 — The New Orleans Saints play their first game in the NFL, losing 27-13 to the Los Angeles Rams.
• 1961 — Fran Tarkenton becomes the first QB to throw four TDs in his first NFL game.
• 1961 — The Civic Arena, the world’s first retractable roof stadium, opens.
• 1954 — The novel Lord of the Flies by William Golding is published.
• 1950 — The San Francisco 49ers play their first game in the NFL, losing 21-17 to the New York Yanks.
• 1941 — Baseball legend Stan Musial makes his MLB debut.
• 1925 — Frida Kahlo suffers near-fatal injuries in a bus accident in Mexico, causing her to abandon her medical studies and take up art.
• 1908 — Thomas Selfridge becomes the first person to be killed in a plane crash.
• 1862 — More than 22,000 Civil War soldiers are killed in the Battle of Antietam, the bloodiest day in American military history.
• 1849 — Harriet Tubman escapes from slavery.
• 1787 — The U.S. Constitution is signed.
• 1776 — The Presidio of San Francisco is founded.
• 1630 — Boston, Massachusetts is founded.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1983 — Alexander Ovechkin, legendary hockey player, sniper, partier, and Russian machine who never breaks.
• 1979 — Tramar Lacel Dillard, rapper best known as Flo Rida.
• 1975 — Jimmy Johnson, racing icon and seven-time NASCAR Cup Series champion.
• 1974 — Rasheed Wallace, NBA champion and technical foul god.
• 1965 — Yuji Naka, video game programmer who made the Sonic the Hedgehog series.
• 1955 — Charles Martinet, iconic voice actor best known as the voice of Mario in the Super Mario video game series. Holy shit what a coincidence. He also voices characters like Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi. 
• 1945 — Phil Jackson, HOF basketball coach.
• 1941 — Bob Matsui, namesake of the courthouse in Sacramento and late congressman whose wife, Doris, now sits in his seat.
• 1937 — Orlando Cepeda, HOF first baseman.
• 1927 — George Blanda, HOF QB/K.
• 1923 — Hank Williams, iconic country music singer/songwriter.
• 1879 — Rube Foster, baseball HOFer known as the “father of black baseball, for founding the Negro National League.
• 1859 — Billy the Kid, iconic Old West outlaw and gunfighter. 

DEATHS:

• 1997 — Red Skelton, radio and TV entertainer.
• 1996 — Spiro Agnew, former U.S. Vice President.
• 1908 — Thomas Selfridge, pilot.
• 1858 — Dred Scott, slave who was the focus of the famous Dred Scott case.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Monte Cristo Day! The Monte Cristo has to be the most delicious, unhealthy, batshit crazy sandwich considered normal and common by society (apart from the Francesinha, obviously)

. A variation of the croque-monsieur, it’s an egg-fried ham and cheese sandwich covered with sugar and served with jelly. This reminds me — Ewing we need to make a return trip to Pea Soup Andersen’s.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

PAUL RUDD SAYS MASKS ARE “TOTALLY BEAST” IN MILLENNIAL-FOCUSED CORONAVIRUS PSA

NEW YORK, N.Y. –Ant-Man star Paul Rudd teamed up with First We Feast and the state of New York to bring a COVID-19 message to millennials.

“A couple of days ago I was talking on the iPhone with my homie Governor Cuomo and he’s just going off about how us millennials need to wear masks ‘cuz get this, apparently a lot of COVID is transmitted by us millennials,” said Rudd.

In the informative video, posted Monday, the actor and “certified young person” caters to the cool millennials of New York and shares that Cuomo enlisted his help to urge the New York residents to wear masks when they’re in public. Wearing a matching yellow sweatsuit and headphones around his neck, Rudd sprinkles all the popular internet slang, from, “stan” to “vibe check,” into his PSA.

“Masks? They’re totally beast,” the actor says before shredding a double-necked guitar.

READ MORE

Everyone talks about Keanu Reeves being immortal, but Paul Rudd may be the GOAT of looking the exact same. He’s 51, looks younger than me, and hasn’t aged since the early 90’s.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 SUPER MARIO GAMES

Because I need something to go in this spot, want to talk more about Super Mario Bros., and don’t want this week’s Top 10 to be about some old asshole, let’s take a trip down Mario lane. I included some of these games in a previous Top 10 list, but I’m going to be more objective this time — personal preference AND overall critical/fan reception will be taken into account. I’m also sticking to purely Super Mario Bros. games, and none of the sports/party/racing/fighting spinoffs.

10. NEW SUPER MARIO BROS.

The first 2D Mario game in over a decade, New Super Mario Bros. proved that the old school side-scrolling method still has plenty of juice. It successfully injected new power-ups, mechanics, and graphics into the old formula, to great results. It also was the first in a series of four games released in a short amount of time that really didn’t have a lot different and made the Madden franchise look innovative by comparison. Still, these games are a big chapter of the Mario series, so let’s reward the first (and therefore most original) one from the new millennium.

9. SUPER MARIO MAKER 2

This one is sort of weird. While Super Mario Maker 2 has its own story mode and therefore can be considered its own game, the vast majority of its content calls for players to make their own Mario levels. A treasure trove of areas, power-ups, obstacles, enemies, collectibles, and other fun items are available for people to make their dream levels come true. Nintendo is secretly evil and genius for coming up with this concept. They don’t have to come up with a new 2D Mario game — the fans will make their own, especially with the patch that included worlds.

8. SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE

While it may be the most polarizing 3D Mario game, I am firmly in the camp that Super Mario Sunshine is fun as hell and a breath of fresh air to the series. The mechanics and level design may take away from the traditional platforming elements, but that still doesn’t mean the water-based gameplay isn’t enjoyable in its own right. The soundtrack is full of absolute bangers and the overall aesthetic has yet to be matched by any of its successors, 2d or 3D. Although, I must admit this game has the single easiest boss fight in the history of Super Mario Bros. 

7. SUPER MARIO 3D WORLD

Coming right after the New Super Mario Bros. series, Super Mario 3D World probably had the most underwhelming trailer in franchise history when it was released at E3. But a second trailer promptly restored the hype and its release confirmed it to be a new classic. The game blends 3D elements perfectly into 2D gameplay, making it unique in the Mario series. Plus, this is one of the few Mario games where Bowser DOESN’T kidnap Princess Peach. However, I must take away some points for the introduction of the cat suit, which is both OP and fucking creeey.  

6. SUPER MARIO GALAXY

I know I ranked Super Mario Galaxy below Super Mario Sunshine in a previous Top 10. But like I did several times with my sports movie deep dive, I had to reign in my own personal preferences and take the consensus opinion into consideration. Plus, this game is objectively great. While a bit too easy and with a gimmick that’s overrated, you can’t doubt the beautiful levels, incredible music, and (comparatively) difficult boss fight. It’s quite memorable and greatly expands the scale of the franchise. There’s a reason this is the only 3D Mario game to get a direct sequel. 

5. SUPER MARIO BROS.

There’s also a reason this game spawned a video game empire. Super Mario Bros. is arguably the most classic video game of all time. It introduced so many elements to the franchise that are still in place to this day. It’s obviously the simplest in terms of gameplay and variety, but it still holds up 35 years after it was released. It’s impact on Nintendo, video games as a whole, pop culture, and society can’t really be put into proper context. This game is the reason clueless grandparents call any video game they see their grandchildren playing a “Mario” game.

4. SUPER MARIO 64

Just as Super Mario Bros. broke ground for 2D games, Super Mario 64 was a pioneer for the 3D realms. With video games as a whole struggling with the added dimension, Nintendo promptly set the tone for the next few decades with this. Although it’s rough around the edges (especially with its mechanics, camera control, and overall design), it still holds up great to this day and is the most popular game to speedrun today. While I can’t remember the first video game I ever played, this is definitely in contention. Holy shit this game was released when I was 3. I’m old.

3. SUPER MARIO BROS. 3

After Super Mario Bros. 2 went in a vastly different direction than its predecessor, Super Mario Bros. 3 went back to the old formula, but brought plenty of innovation. This was the first Mario game to include a world map, feature Bowser’s children (and have him with red hair), and the Tanooki suit. It was also the only game I know of to be officially introduced to North America through an actual movie. While the film got some pretty negative reception, it did nothing to impede the success of the video game it was promoting, or its outstanding legacy.

2. SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY

My personal favorite Mario game and in my opinion the best 3D Mario game of all time, Super Mario Odyssey blends the best elements of the franchise into a perfect showcase. It has the best movement in any Mario game, is the best looking, and has the best soundtrack. The levels are more interesting and unique than any game before it — taking Mario out of his own universe. The capture mechanic is a fun gimmick. 2D elements are incorporated wonderfully. I have fewer complaints for this game than for most video games in general that I’ve ever played.  

1. SUPER MARIO WORLD

While Super Mario Bros. might be the classic 2D Mario game, Super Mario World is the pinnacle of what a 2D Mario game can be. Graphically superior to its predecessors and complete with a whole new list of mechanics, enemies, power-ups, and obstacles, it simply makes the most out of the resources at the time. It’s also arguably the last truly difficult Mario game, which if anything makes it more beloved and endearing. Most importantly, this game introduced the GOAT Mario character — my motherfucking man Yoshi. How can this game be anything but No. 1?

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (1-0) VS. EKEING OUT THE WIN (1-0)

This isn’t just a battle of the two people wearing shades in the picture above — it’s perhaps an extremely early playoff preview. It’s also going to be full of bittersweet rooting interests. C’s New Champ Team should get a strong bounce back from Drew Brees against the Raiders, although it’ll kill Chriss on the inside. If EKEing Out The Win wants to get more from the Titans defense, it’ll have to be at the expense of Kyle’s man crush, Gardner Minshew. Kyle also has to see his fantasy QB, Deshaun Watson, get eaten alive by the Ravens. Still, nearly every other player (except for Austin Ekeler) has a good matchup. D.J. Moore, Kenyan Drake, Raheem Mostert, and Marquise Brown should all do well this week. For Chriss, Ezekiel Elliott gets to run through the same Falcons defense Chris Carson torched last week. Carson and the Seahawks defense do have to contend with the Patriots this time around. Perhaps Chriss will need the extra boost from Mark Andrews, although the Texans defense is much tougher than the one in Cleveland. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-0) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-0)

Last year, the thought of winning consecutive games was inconceivable to Sleeping Giants. Now, Dad has a chance to achieve this in the first two weeks of the season. He earned a victory last time despite average showings from Pat Mahomes and a disappointing effort from the 49ers defense. Both should be on the rebound this week, although Christian McCaffrey and Calvin Ridley could be in for a rougher time. Maybe David Montgomery can get back to form against the awful Giants. Standing in Dad’s way is Gruden Grinders, hopeful for a 2-0 start and for some key players to have bounceback games of their own. However, Carson Wentz and Tyler Lockett are facing stiffer competition. As for some of Jimmy’s star players from Week 1, Juju Smith-Schuster may keep up his pace against the depleted Broncos defense. While Josh Jacobs probably won’t do as well against the Saints defense, Aaron Jones should be able to make Swiss cheese of the Lions, although it’s unclear if he’ll get significant scoring opportunities in that offense.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-0) VS.  DARTH RAIDER (0-1)

The highest scoring team of Week 1 against the highest scoring team who didn’t win to start the season. This should be a good one — at the time of this writing, Yahoo!’s projections for Darth Raider and Footballdamus are less than 0.2 points apart. Riez’s offense shouldn’t slow down too much, with David Johnson being the only one of his main contributors facing a tougher task this week. Aaron Rodgers, DeAndre Hopkins, Dalvin Cook, and John Brown should get plenty of scoring opportunities. Mike Evans should also have a bounceback week against the Panthers. Arik has to hope for a similar rebound from key contributors like Dak Prescott, Nick Chubb, and Cooper Kupp, while finally inserting Amari Cooper into the starting lineup. Meanwhile. D.K. Metcalf is facing stiffer competition and the Chiefs have so many weapons that it’s still unclear whether Clyde Edwards-Helaire can get consistent production like last week. If he can, Arik should get a boost to try and catch (through Week 1) the best offense in the league.

49ERS (1-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-1)

Dixie Normous is looking for a rebound in the worst kind of way, like a man desperate for the touch of a female after ending a long-distance relationship with a woman who had cut off pre-marital sex for the previous four months. No I don’t have any experience in that kind of situation shut the fuck up go away. Anyway, some of Nick’s key players — like Tom Brady, Joe Mixon, Ronald Jones, and Todd Gurley — should be in for a better showing than last week. But at the same time, D.J. Chark and Keenan Allen are against tough competition, meaning Nick’s WR production could be limited. Unfortunately, he happens to be facing a 49ers lineup ready to explode. Literally every matchup for Gee is favorable, from Josh Allen to Tyreek Hull to Adam Thielen to Derrick Henry to Cam Akers to Allen Robinson to the Saints defense to even Blake Martinez is facing mid to bottom tier opponents. It’s simply a perfect storm to see move Gee to 2-0 and to keep Nick’s miserable fantasy football luck going for at least another week. 

JOP SUEY!!! (0-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

Two teams who probably feel a bit snakebitten from last week enter. One team leaves with a 0-2 record and feeling even more downtrodden. Both Jop Suey!!! and Three Eyed Ravens look like they’re ready to fight to the death to not be that team. Ewing gets to trot out Lamar Jackson for another 25+ points, while Julio Jones and Stefon Diggs should be productive as well. Devin Singletary and the Chiefs defense look to improve against easier competition, although Evan Engram and Jonathan Taylor still have question marks surrounding them. Taylor meanwhile has some surefire contenders for big points in Kyler Murray, Davante Addams, Alvin Kamara, Robert Woods, and the Cardinals defense (goddamn it feels weird to include that last one). However, Odell Beckham Jr. and the Browns have yet to prove they’re anything greater than dogshit (nope the poop jokes are still coming). Still, Benny Snell could prove to be the difference maker. In the end, I think Ewing has fewer potential holes in his lineup, but you never really know.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (0-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

To recap: my first four draft picks combined for less than 13 points, Michael Thomas is out for multiple weeks, George Kittle might be injured as well, and all of my RBs might be mediocre at best. Not a good past few days for Orchids of Asia. However, if I am able to get back on the horse, it’ll be this week. Russell Wilson may not play out of his mind again, but he always gives the Patriots trouble. A.J. Brown and Mark Ingram simply cannot have that low production again. Jared Cook should exploit the Raiders’ weakness of not being able to cover a TE, the Bills defense should feast again, and D’Andre Swift and Marvin Jones should get some garbage time points. In addition, The Krispy Kritters have some tough matchups (Travis Kelce, Emmanuel Sanders, and the Ravens defense aside). Matt Ryan has to tango with the Cowboys, Saquon Barkley has to face another tough defense in the Bears, and Miles Sanders literally might not play again. Things are looking good for me, which means Richard will probably win.

ONE LAST THING

While I was researching notable events that took place on this date (September 17), I came across an interesting item. It turns out that on September 17, 1992, the NFL decided to temporarily suspend the World League of American Football (WLAF). I know a decent amount about old, defunct football leagues, so I was surprised to come across one I never heard of. Turns out I was wrong… kind of.

The WLAF was the early incarnation of NFL Europe, which was how the league was rebranded when it returned in 1995. NFL Europe (later NFL Europa) was a spring league that served as an unofficial minor league for the NFL. From 1995-2007 (when it folded due to financial problems), NFL Europe was a way for younger, more project players to get more game experience and coaching. Players such as Kurt Warner, Adam Vinatieri, William Perry, Fred Jackson, and James Harrison (as well as Old Spice spokesmen Terry Crews and Isaiah Mustafa) got to suit up for teams in the U.K., Germany, Spain, and the Netherlands. The league was also the testing ground for things like the two-point conversion, helmet-mounted cameras, and one-way radios were developed before they were implemented in the NFL.

But while a lot of football fans may know about NFL Europe, not many knew that it spent its first two years in existence (1991 and 1992) as the WLAF before its two-year hiatus and rebrand. What you also may not know is that those first two years featured teams from the U.S. and Canada, with one of those teams winning the championship, the World Bowl. What you probably didn’t know was that team was from Sacramento.

I’ll bet you didn’t know about the Sacramento Surge.

The Surge, who featured a disgusting aqua, light gold, and white color scheme, were one of the founding members of the WLAF. They played at Hughes Stadium and were led by former Buffalo Bills head coach Kay Stephenson. On his staff was former Oakland Raiders defensive coordinator Charlie Sumner and future New Orleans Saints head coach Jim Haslett. Jack Youngblood was in charge of marketing and Ronnie Lott helped call games for KARK (now KHTK). Just take all of that in for a second. Anyway, the Surge’s first season in 1991 was nothing to write home about. With a 3-7 record, they were the second-worst team in the league. 

But in 1992, things got weirder and better, with the team moving to Hornets Stadium at Sac State. The Surge got more accustomed to Stephenson’s offense and added players like David Archer (who got an unflattering Sports Illustrated article written about him), current Monday Night Football announcer Louis Riddick, and Bill Goldberg. Yep, former WWE World Heavyweight Champion and wrestling icon Goldberg played minor league football for Sacramento. The Surge also featured investment guru and CNBC contributor Pete Najarian at LB. Showing much improvement on both sides of the ball, Sacramento finished 8-2 and in first place in the WLAF North American West Division. In the semi-finals, the Surge edged out the Barcelona Dragons in front of what remains the largest crowd to attend an event in Hornet Stadium (26,445 people. They then capped off the dream season in World Bowl II in Montreal’s Olympics Stadium, just a month before I was born. Down 17-6 in the 4th quarter, the Surge scored 15 unanswered points to defeat the Orlando Thunder 21-7 and claim the trophy, which was literally a crystal globe. Sacramento would end up the only U.S. team to ever win the World Bowl.

I fucking love shit like this. Minor league sports are fascinating in general, with football leagues especially so considering they look like an alternate universe NFL. Trying to imagine a WWE champion and MSNBC financial analyst running around in aqua uniforms playing against teams from London, Barcelona, and Frankfurt with HOFers on the sidelines and organization feels like an acid dream. Now imagine this all happened in your hometown, and that the team won a fucking championship. I mean look at this.

That’s Al fucking Davis standing with Sacramento Surge owner Fred Anderson inside Hornet Stadium for a football game between a team with Goldberg on it and a team from London. This is a thing that actually happened. I have photographic evidence. This is fucking incredible.

Now of course all good things have to come to an end. When the WLAF went on hiatus, it was decided there would be no more North American teams in the league, only Europe. But it just so happened that when one door closed, another opened. Surge ownership was approached by the Canadian Football League, which was looking to expand into the U.S. A lot of Surge coaches, players, and personnel joined the first ever American CFL expansion team, the Sacramento Gold Miners, which began play in 1993. Two days after my first birthday, Hornet Stadium hosted the first ever CFL game played on American soil (which the Gold Miners lost to the Calgary Stampeders 38-36). The team’s success in the WLAF didn’t translate to the CFL — financial problems and mediocre on-field results led to the team moving to San Antonio in 1995, the final year before the CFL exited the American market. Still, for five years in the 90’s, Sacramento was home to international football history and championship-level play. Crazy, isn’t it?

Also I didn’t know where to put this, but while searching for Sacramento Surge photos I somehow stumbled upon this hilarious photo of Buddy Hield. Enjoy.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness