Ruben's Writings

Greetings from Georgia!

Yeah, that’s the view from my hotel room. 

The reason this was sent so early is that I didn’t want to wait until 1 p.m. here in Atlanta for it to be my usual sending time of around 10 a.m. back home. Jet lag is only kicking in a little bit and I expect it to be much worse tomorrow. I got here last night, so I didn’t really have much time to get first impressions on my first ever trip to the South (not counting my two days in Austin in college or my unexpectedly extended layover in Charlotte).

So why am I in the Peach State, anyway? Well, those of you who attended the Super Bowl LIII party at my old apartment (and if you didn’t fuck you) might remember my friend, Pat, the white dude in the short shorts who I met through my then-roommate, Chris, the hella buff, tattooed Asian dude. Well, he’s getting married on Saturday in Braselton, which is about from Sacramento to Tracy northeast of Atlanta. Both he and his fiancee, Samantha, are from the South and have much more family there than in California (although they live in East Sac). I was fortunate enough to get an invitation, although honestly I’m not sure why they’re not canceling it considering the whole pandemic thing. My guess is that Sam’s family (who is apparently loaded) didn’t want to throw away their reservation at the Chateau Elan Winery, which according to one of my current roommates (who’s been to Georgia several times) isn’t just a place for the wealthy, but for the “elite.” So I guess I’m in for a hell of an experience this weekend. 

Of course, I have my own reservations about the trip. This isn’t one of my typical “Ruben fucks off across the world for two weeks” vacations. I’m taking a couple days off to relax and coming back on Sunday. But goddamn y’all do you know how many days I’ve had off in the past half year? One, which I used to attend Gabby’s high school graduation. I also had to work an extra day to make up for it, so I technically didn’t gain anything. Covering news these past several months — from the pandemic to the protests to the fires to the election and everything in between — has been fucking grueling, by far the toughest stretch I’ve ever had at FOX40. I need to get away for a few days, even if it kills me. 

Yikes, bad joke. 

I am fully aware of the risks of traveling right now, especially to a coronavirus hot spot. I have to get a test before I’m allowed to come back into work. I will be taking every precaution to not catch COVID-19 and if I’m in a situation where I don’t feel safe (even at the wedding), I’m getting the hell out of there and staying in my hotel room until it’s time to go home. If God forbid I happen to become infected, do as I say, not as I do.

That being said, there are a surprising number of things I can do in Atlanta right now (mostly thanks to political and social ignorance, but still). Even though I can’t attend any sporting events, I’ve still got some places to visit, including one I’ll mention specifically later on. I am also looking to try real, delicious Southern food for the first time straight from the source. I’ve never had chicken and waffles, my mouth is watering for some sweet, sweet barbeque, and if I don’t like legit sweet tea then sorry Dad I’m never going to like iced tea.

Now, it’s time to see what the ATL is all about.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-1)

133.68 – 121.88

The league’s top-scoring offense continues to roll. Sleeping Giants is now incredibly just one win away from matching his 2019 total and like two weeks away from maybe not hearing this joke again. Or maybe I’ll keep making this joke again every week. Maybe the loss of Christian McCaffrey (22 points) or like half of his favorite team’s players due to injury will be enough pain. Either way, Pat Mahomes (27 points), Calvin Ridley (22 points), David Montgomery (19 points), and Diontae Johnson (15 points) were all more than enough to power Dad’s attack, even with poor efforts from Mike Williams, Zach Ertz, and the 49ers defense. But that doesn’t mean Gruden Grinders didn’t put up a fight, mostly thanks to another big RB day. While it was Josh Jacobs last week, this week Jimmy had Aaron Jones (41 points) go the fuck off. Jones more than doubled Jimmy’s next-highest scorer, which isn’t exactly good news considering he didn’t get much support from elsewhere. Now we see which RB will give Jimmy a lot of points next week.

49ERS (2-0) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-2)

117.30 – 84.58

Alright so I might’ve been wrong about Josh Allen (34 points) being a liability for 49ers. Sure, he’s been playing terrible teams. But Gee will definitely take the points, especially when he gets a huge day from Tyler Higbee (23 points) and good effort from Tyreek Hill (16 points). This all made up for an overall pedestrian day for Gee’s lineup, with Adam Thielen, Allen Robinson, Cam Akers, and the Saints defense (hehe) each contributing fewer than five points. It also helped that Dixie Normous’ roster did absolutely dick all day. In fact, Nick’s highest scorer, the Colts defense (15 points), would’ve only been Gee’s fourth-highest scorer. Zane Gonzalez (13 points) and Keenan Allen were the only other players to get double-digit points. That list does not include Tom Brady, D.J. Chark, Joe Mixon, Ronald Jones, and Todd Gurley. If all of those guys are going to suck, the chances that Nick will be victorious are pretty slim. Nick has had bad luck facing two of the top teams so far, but he hasn’t done himself any favors as the overall lowest scorer. 

DARTH RAIDER (1-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-1)

135.30 – 126.20

Darth Raider’s keys to victory were players taking advantage of two teams with a cursed past. First, Nick Chubb (25 points) ran over the Bengals on Thursday Night. Then, when it seemed like his team would get destroyed, Dak Prescott (39 points) and the Cowboys’ storming comeback gave Arik an even bigger boost. In addition, Younghoe Koo (17 points) and the Buccaneers defense (14 points) provided more ammunition and only Nyheim Hines put up fewer than five points for Arik’s cause. This was all able to cancel out a balanced attack from Footballdamus, who despite scoring a bunch for the second straight week fell from the ranks of the unbeaten. Aaron Rodgers (18 points), Mike Evans (16 points), Darren Waller (16 points), Dalvin Cook (15 points), John Brown (14 points), DeAndre Hopkins (13 points), and the Steelers defense (13 points) all contributing more than a dozen points. Only three of Riez’s players got in single digits and none of them finished with fewer than five points. It was just shitty luck on Riez’s part.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-1) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-2)

123.72 – 119.72

Orchids of Asia may not repeat as title winners or even make the playoffs. But goddamn it,, I still have the heart of a champion and will NOT go winless. Yes, the Krispy Kritters for some reason had an injured LeVeon Bell and Jamal “Two Straight Goose Eggs” Agnew. But consider that I was missing Michael Thomas, George Kittle, and A.J. Brown. All of that, plus fantastic efforts from Matt Ryan (28 points), Terry McLaurin (18 points), Miles Sanders (18 points), Justin Tucker (16 points), Travis Kelce (15 points), and the Ravens defense (15 points), put me at a seemingly insurmountable 68-point deficit going into Sunday Night. But then the champ did champ shit. First, Russell “Future 2020 MVP” Wilson (34 points) went into god mode, while Julian Edelman (17 points) finished with a career high amount of receiving yards. With Jared Cook’s TD and some good Raiders offense, it came down to the last minute of Monday Night Football. Daniel Carlson (12 points) and his beautiful leg hit the 54-yard FG to complete my comeback.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (2-0) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (1-1)

116.48 – 69.78

I’d venture to say when Kyle was drafting, he picked Cam Newton as a backup for Deshaun Watson and potential trade bait. Little did he know that Newton (35 points) would end up being the early favorite for Comeback Player of the Year). EKEing Out The Win also got contributions from Raheem Mostert (16 points) before he went down, along with Austin Ekeler (14 points) and D.J. Moore (13 points). That made up for overall average days from Marquise Brown, Kenyan Drake, and the Titans defense. But the story of this matchup was C’s New Champ Team, who after scoring 120 points (the second-highest total of anyone) Week 1 put up just over half of that this time around. Part of that was Chriss somehow leaving an injured Chris Godwin in his lineup. But you can’t bounce back from T.Y. Hilton, the Seahawks defense, Mark Andrews, Aaron Donald, and Adrian Peterson putting up fewer than five points. 16-point efforts from Ezekiel Elliott and Chris Carson couldn’t boost him up. Chriss has to hope for better days ahead. 

JOP SUEY!!! (1-1) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-2)

127.94 – 92.06

After losing the closest contest in Week 1, Jop Suey!!! left no doubt against Three Eyed Ravens this time. Despite poor efforts from Austin Hooper and Davante Adams, Taylor got some superhuman performances from Kyler Murray (33 points) and Alvin Kamara (29 points). Throw in some nice days from Melvin Gordon (14 points) and Odell Beckham (13 points), and Taylor was sitting pretty. Unfortunately for Ewing, the same sort of impressive effort didn’t come from his real life team and fantasy team’s QB, although Lamar Jackson (17 points) wasn’t completely terrible. Stefon Diggs (21 points) and Jonathan Taylor (17 points) did well enough, though they were brought down by single-digit days from the likes of Devin Singletary, Evan Engram, Zack Moss, and the Chiefs defense. Darius Leonard got closer to losing his wedding ring by accidentally giving it to a fan than most of those guys got to contributing anything of value. While Ewing slides to 0-2, Taylor and his potent offense threw himself into the contender pool with his win. 

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. Sleeping Giants (2-0)
2. 49ers (2-0)
3. EKEing Out The Win (2-0)
4. Footballdamus (1-1)
5. Darth Raider (1-1)
6. Jop Suey!!! (1-1)
7. Gruden Grinders (1-1)
8. Orchids of Asia (1-1)
9. C’s New Champ Team (1-1)
10. The Krispy Kritters (0-2)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (0-2)
12. Dixie Normous (0-2)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Footballdamus (259.26)
2. Sleeping Giants (247.52)
3. Darth Raider (243.04)
4. 49ers (230.78)
5. Jop Suey!!! (228.24)
6. Gruden Grinders (222.38)
7. EKEing Out The Win (219.20)
8. Orchids of Asia (215.10)
9. The Krispy Kritters (201.92)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (197.16)
11. C’s New Champ Team (190.58)
12. Dixie Normous (165.34)

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Now THAT is how you introduce yourself to a brand new city.

The Raiders’ Las Vegas debut could not have gone any better. Although it certainly didn’t seem that way when New Orleans took a 10-0 lead in the 1st quarter. That’s when Michael Thomas tweeted this. True to his word, things certainly did get ugly… FOR THE SAINTS!

The offense woke up and was damn near unstoppable. Derek Carr snapped out of his early funk and spread the ball around, with Darren Waller proving to be a reliable and popular target. While Josh Jacobs didn’t have his best game, he did enough to sustain a balanced attack. Zay Jones made a nice TD catch and Jalen Richard immediately redeemed himself after his fumble with a score of his own. On the other side of the ball, the defense stepped up big time, shutting out the Saints for roughly 30 minutes of game time. It helps when the Raiders offense has a 36:18-23:42 edge in time of possession. During those minutes, it seemed Jon Gruden finally took the ankle weights off, showing some balls by going for it twice (successfully) on 4th down and trusting Daniel Carlson with the game-sealing (and for me, game-winning) 54-yard FG.

Keep in mind, Las Vegas did this all against the Saints. Sure, New Orleans was without Thomas and Drew Brees looked a little old out there. But the Saints are still one of the best teams in the NFL with a scary defense. The Raiders beat them by double digits. Currently, Las Vegas has the 4th-highest scoring offense and the second-fewest penalties in the league. 

What is happening? Is… is this optimism?

Nope! I know better than that. It was just three years ago that the Silver and Black began the season 2-0 (with a road, then home win nonetheless). What happened next? The Raiders lost their next four games and finished 6-10. Plus, up next is an incredibly tough four-game stretch, starting with THE optimism-killing team — the New England Patriots. Not only do they have Cam “Will Shred the Raiders Because I’m Against Him in Fantasy” Newton, but it’s a morning (for y’all on the West Coast, anyway) game on the road. The Raiders never win those.

Also, two easy wins may have just turned into losses thanks to the most Chargers thing that has ever happened. Tyrod Taylor’s medical mishap may have unintentionally awoken a sleeping giant in Justin Herbert. Another potential AFC West beast may have been unleashed.

Well let’s savor the winning feeling while we can, eh boys?

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY

Turns out, there’s actual use for the preseason after all! It serves as time for players to get used to game speed and tackling again. Also, any injuries sustained during preseason won’t fuck over fantasy football owners who don’t draft early. Guess what happened without preseason?

There were warning signs in Week 1, but nothing could’ve prepared us for the bloody Sunday that was four days ago. There weren’t only a shit ton of injuries, but injuries to some of the biggest names in the NFL. As mentioned earlier, Saquon Barkley’s torn ACL may completely fuck Richard’s season, along with that of the Giants (though it was already fucked anyway). In the same game, David Montgomery left with a neck injury but later returned. The Vikings defense got yet another hit when Anthony Barr went down with a shoulder injury. A similar injury could keep Drew Lock out of the Broncos’ lineup for several weeks. His teammate, Courtland Sutton, tore his ACL. Cam Akers and Byron Jones may also not be okay. The Packers got scares from both Davante Adams and Marquez Valdes-Scantling, while even the reliable and indestructible Christian McCaffrey may miss time with a hurt ankle. Even the Bills-Dolphins game as a whole suffered issues from both not enough electricity and too much electricity.

But no one got bitten by the injury bug as badly as the San Francisco 49ers. Richard Sherman and Deebo Samuel were injured going into the season. Brandon Aiyuk missed Week 1, which is when George Kittle suffered a knee injury that kept him out this past Sunday. That’s when MetLife Stadium turned into a graveyard. Last year’s DROY, Nick Bosa, tore his ACL, as did Solomon Thomas. Jimmy Garoppolo has a high ankle sprain that could keep him out. Both Raheem Mostert and Tevin Coleman were also hurt, with Coleman (and possibly Mostert) out for multiple weeks. While the 49ers are blaming MetLife’s turf for Week 2’s devastation, they can’t change the fact that it happened. Those aren’t just any injuries — they’re key pieces for a team with Super Bowl ambitions. 

Despite all of that pain, San Francisco still easily managed to bitch slap the New York Jets. Sure, the Jets not only suck but also are coached by Adam Gase. But that victory, while pyrrhic, was in fact decisive. That just goes to show you how good the 49ers are at full strength. The problem is that even if they get relatively healthy (minus Bosa/Thomas, obviously) and make the playoffs, they’ll likely barely do it. See: Seattle last season. A fully-functioning Seahawks team with home field advantage may have gotten to Super Bowl LIV. This year, the NFC West is even more stacked. The Seahawks may be the best team in the NFL. The Los Angeles Rams have seemingly gotten their shit together. Even the Arizona Cardinals are on the rise. San Francisco is 1-1 and in last place in the division. They can’t afford too many bumps in the road. Unfortunately, it may already be too late. That’s why you have to take advantage of your chances and not blow double-digit, 4th quarter leads in the Super Bowl.

But when it comes to injury history, terrible luck, and the whole double-digit 4th quarter Super Bowl lead-blowing thing, the 49ers could have it worse.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Falcons…

Dude… WTF, Falcons?

There was one time I was watching a Kings game where Sacramento made a late rally to tie the game with five seconds remaining. Funny enough, I was eating dinner with Pat (Saturday’s groom) at the time and he said he was excited for overtime. I knew better. Sure enough, the other team hit a buzzer beater and the Kings lost. It’s tough being a fan of a team that you know won’t win a close game. It’s another thing to be a fan of a team that blows leads on spectacular fashion.

If the 28-3 game had not taken place during the Super Bowl, this past Sunday would be seen as the bigger choke job. The Cowboys turned it over three times in the 1st quarter, which saw Atlanta take a 20-0 lead. Dallas also failed on two fake punts in their own half. The Falcons did not fumble and Matt Ryan threw 4 TDs and no INTs. Atlanta was up 29-10 at halftime and 39-24 with five minutes to play. How in the literal fuck did they lose that game?

The ending was something to be believed. There was the crucial sack of Ryan on what turned out to be the Falcons’ final drive. There was the incomplete pass to Michael Gallup that couldn’t be challenged due to the Cowboys not having any timeouts, that was then reversed on the field to a completed pass deep in Atlanta territory. But all of that pales in comparison to the onside kick. Seriously, how were there at least five Falcons players just staring at the ball, not making a move to fall on it until after it went ten yards? Did they not know you can pick it up before then? Was this their first time ever on special teams? It’s like they wanted to collapse.

How Dan Quinn was not fired after last season, I don’t know. How Quinn was not fired immediately after Sunday, I don’t know. I’d like to say that the Falcons’ mix of mediocrity and failure will go after he leaves, but that’s not true. The Falcons are only one part of a great evil that plagues the city of Atlanta and the state of Georgia.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 GEORGIA SPORTS CURSE INSTANCES

You’ve heard of the Curse of the Bambino, the Madden Cover Curse, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and the city of Buffalo in general. But did you know that I am currently in one of the most cursed cities in sports? The Georgia Sports Curse is one of the more recent sports curses, but that doesn’t make it any less powerful. While all of Georgia’s major professional sports teams (as well as Georgia Tech) are based in Atlanta, we’re also including the University of Georgia, which is based in nearby Athens. But the majority of teams included in this curse are from Atlanta, as is the cause of the Georgia Sports Curse.

In 1996, Atlanta hosted the Summer Olympics. That’s right, Atlanta of all cities gets to be thrown in with the likes of Athens, Barcelona, Tokyo, Paris, Beijing, London, Rio de Janeiro, Seoul, Sydney, and Los Angeles as Summer Olympic hosts. Compounding the weirdness was the fact that the 1996 games were the first summer games to be held in a different year than the winter ones. Before the current “alternate every two years” system, the Winter and Summer Olympics used to take place in the same year once every four years, with the big change coming after the 1992 editions. While the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer generally crushed it aside from the whole Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan/Oksana Baiul thing, the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta has a whole rockier, controversial history. 

Despite being perceived as a second-class city and its place in the South’s overall racist history, Atlanta was named the host over Athens, Toronto, Melbourne, and Manchester. This was mostly due to infrastructure and private funding. However, record sponsorship deals and some of that funding led to criticism that the games were being overly commercialized. There were also harsh words from European officials over things such as food and transport availability. But by far the most consequential event was not a planned one. On July 27, a pipe bomb placed in Centennial Olympic Park directly killed one person, led to the death of another, and injured 111 others. Incredibly, the bombing would’ve been worse had it not been for the quick actions of security guard Richard Jewell, who himself was deemed a person of interest and became the subject of intense and unfair media coverage before being found innocent. In the end, IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch allegedly told top city officials that Atlanta was a disgrace to the Olympics and publically called the games “most exceptional” instead of the traditional closing ceremony description of “the best Olympics ever.” 

While the games ended up revitalizing the city’s downtown area, Atlanta has since been a part of some incredible clutch failures and “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory” sports moments. The vast majority of the Peach State’s major sports teams and universities have yet to claim a championship since 1996 and have often fallen short in spectacular fashion. The obvious exception is Atlanta United, which played its first official match in 2017 (more than 20 years after the curse began) and won the MLS Cup in 2018. But the rest of Georgia’s teams have only known heartbreak and misery. Let’s look at some of the best/worst moments.

HONORABLE MENTION: EVERYTHING BEFORE 1996

To be fair, it’s not like Georgia had an illustrious sports record before 1996. Despite existing since the 1870’s and boasting some of the best players in baseball history, the Braves have only one three World Series, most recently in 1995. The Hawks have one championship (1958), but that was one while the team was in St. Louis. The Falcons hadn’t even reached a Super Bowl before 1996. Although Georgia Tech was a powerhouse in early college football, their last claimed championship before 1990 was in 1952, while Georgia only has two titles (1942 and 1980). 

HONORABLE MENTION: EUGENE ROBINSON

The night before Atlanta’s first ever Super Bowl, Falcons FS Eugene Robinson was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Glossing over the fact that he had received the Bart Starr Award for “outstanding character and leadership” that same day, the arrest meant Robinson got little sleep ahead of Super Bowl XXXIII. During the game, he gave up an 80-yard TD to Rod Smith and missed a tackle that led to a long run by Terrell Davis. The Falcons ended up losing 34-19 to the Denver Broncos, with Robinson being widely denounced by the press and fans afterwards. 

HONORABLE MENTION: ATLANTA THRASHERS

Did you know Atlanta used to have a hockey team, let alone two of them? After the Flames left for Calgary in 1980, Atlanta had to wait until 1999 to get another one. But the Thrashers were all kinds of terrible. During their 12 seasons in Atlanta, the Thrashers made the playoffs once — they got swept by the New York Rangers in the first round. Perhaps it was a sign when they picked one of the biggest draft busts in NHL history (Patrick Stefan) with their first ever selection. In 2011, the Thrashers relocated and became the second incarnation of the Winnipeg Jets.

HONORABLE MENTION: THREE DREAMY SWEEPS

Not even Atlanta’s female sports teams get a break from the curse. Founded in 2008, the Atlanta Dream quickly rose up the ranks, reaching their first WNBA Finals in 2010. But their dreams were shattered in a sweep by the Seattle Storm. The Dream managed to make it back in 2011, but were swept again, this time by the Minnesota Lynx. After a down year in 2012, the Dream made the Finals in 2013, only to be swept by the Lynx again. That’s zero wins over three Finals in four years. They haven’t made it back since, but have made recent headlines for other reasons.

10. ALL THAT FOUR-NOTHING

In 2015, the Atlanta Hawks had their best season since moving to Georgia. While the lineup of Al Horford, DeMarre Carrol, Paul Millsap, Kyle Korver, and Jeff Teague didn’t exactly have star power, they played great team basketball under Mike Budenholzer and finished first in the East with a record of 60-22. That included a perfect 17-0 stretch in January, for which the Hawks’ entire starting lineup earned “Player of the Month” honors. But injuries proved to be one of their two biggest downfalls. The most significant was when their best defender, Thabo Sefolosha, had his right leg broken during an incident involving NYPD officers, forcing him to miss the rest of the season. Despite that, they reached the franchise’s first ever Eastern Conference Finals, where they ran into their second downfall: LeBron James. James and the Cleveland Cavaliers ended the Hawks’ best season in nearly 60 years with an unceremonious sweep. Still, the Hawks would’ve likely gotten smacked by the Golden State Warriors had they made the Finals.

9. AN ANSWERED PRAYER

Trying to pick just one non-championship heartbreaking loss by Georgia is like detective James Carter trying to choose a massager at Heaven on Earth. There’s the time the Bulldogs lost to Tennessee on a Hail Mary, seconds after completing their own Hail Mary. There are all of the losses to unranked South Carolina in recent years. But we have to go with the game that has a nickname: The Prayer at Jordan-Hare. The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry had perhaps its craziest ever finish in 2013, when Georgia led Auburn 38-37 with 36 seconds left and the Tigers facing a 4th and 18 at their own 27-yard line. Auburn’s Nick Marshall heaved a pass that went over the head of Ricardo Louis and right to Georgia’s Tray Matthews and Josh Harvey-Clemons. However, Matthews and Harvey-Clemons collided, popping the ball into the air for a surprised Louis to catch and run into the end zone. Seriously, look at that picture and realize the guy in blue caught that ball. Auburn won 43-38 and made it all the way to the national championship game.

8. GODDAMN ALABAMA

But then you have Alabama, which has given Georgia its biggest share of painful moments with hardware on the line. We’ll skip the most obvious one for now and focus on the 2012 and 2018 SEC Championship Games. In 2012, a wild 4th quarter saw the lead change three times, with the Crimson Tide taking a 32-28 advantage with just over three minutes left. Aaron Murray drove the Bulldogs to the Alabama eight-yard line with nine seconds to play. Murray threw to the end zone, but his pass was deflected to Chris Conley, who caught it and was tackled in bounds. The clock ran out before Georgia could run another play. In 2018, Georgia led 28-14 with just over three minutes to play. But even with starting QB Tua Tagovailoa injured, Alabama rallied late, scoring 21 unanswered points and winning the game 35-28 on a TD run by Jalen Hurts with just over a minute to play. It was an eerily similar finish to what happened the previous year between these two teams. But that game deserves its own entry, which is definitely coming up later.

7. TEN IN ONE

The most recent entry on this list, this also might’ve been the biggest egg ever laid by a baseball team in Georgia. Last year, the Atlanta Braves went from a promising team to a legit contender, finishing with the second-best record in the National League. They faced the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLDS, winning two of the first three games and holding a 4-3 lead in the 8th inning of Game 4. But St. Louis managed to rally and force a Game 5 in Atlanta. The Braves handed the ball to Mike Foltynewicz, who pitched seven shutout innings in Game 2. However, things did not go as well for him this time, getting just one out in the opening frame. That inning was Murphy’s Law for the Braves, who became the first team to allow ten runs in the 1st inning of an MLB playoff game. That’s right, the Cardinals scored 10 (TEN!!!) goddamn runs before the Braves even got to bat. The game was over at that point, with St. Louis winning 13-1. Yet, this one-inning massacre isn’t the most painful memory involving the Cardinals for Braves fans.  

6. IN(OUT)FIELD FLY

That honor goes to the 2012 NL Wild Card Game, which was notable for many reasons. It was the first ever MLB Wild Card Game and the last game of Braves legend Chipper Jones’ HOF career. But it’s best known for what happened in the bottom of the 8th inning. With runners on first and second base and one out, Andrelton Simmons hit a ball into left field. Shortstop Pete Kozma backed into left field and waved his hands like he’d catch it. However, Kozma backed off, with the ball dropping between him and Matt Holliday. But, umpire Sam Holbrook called Simmons out, citing the infield fly rule, despite the ball landing in the outfield. Cue the insanity. The game was delayed by nearly 20 minutes as players and coaches argued with the umpires and fans threw trash onto the field. Had Holbrook not made the call, the Braves would’ve had the bases loaded with just one out. However, Atlanta failed to rally and was eliminated thanks to one of the controversial calls in baseball history. Objectively, it’s a shame Jones went out like this. 

5. THE COLLAPSE

But at least the Braves made the playoffs in 2012. The previous year, not so much. It seemed a formality that Atlanta, who entered September with a record of 80-55 and an 8 1/2-game lead in the Wild Card race, would be a postseason participant. However, things changed on September 9 against the (you guessed it) Cardinals. With Atlanta up 3-1 in the bottom of the 9th, rookie closer Crag Kimbrel blew his first save in three months, leading to a Cardinals win. St. Louis would sweep the Braves, trimming Atlanta’s Wild Card lead to 4 1/2 games. The Braves only won one series after that, losing the final five games of the season — including the last three to a Philadelphia Phillies team with nothing to play for. Meanwhile, St. Louis won 11 of their final 15 games to finish one game ahead of the Braves for the NL Wild Card. The Cardinals would end up eliminating the Phillies en route to winning the 2011 World Series. By the way, this was the only MLB collapse in 2011. Nothing happened with the Boston Red Sox. Don’t look it up. Please.

4. FOUR IN A ROW

The last non-Atlanta United team from Georgia to win a major sports championship was the Braves, who won the 1995 World Series. Atlanta had another stellar year in 1996, reaching the Fall Classic again. Facing the new york yankees, who hadn’t won a title in 18 years (please God let their current streak surpass this), the Braves took the first two games in the Bronx by a combined score of 16-1. While the pinstripes won Game 3, Atlanta looked like they would take Game 4, up 6-3 in the 8th inning. That’s when Jim Leyritz, who entered the game in the 6th inning as a defensive replacement, hit a three-run HR to tie the game. As you can imagine, the Braves wound up losing Game 4, along with Game 5 and Game 6 and the series as a whole. Atlanta has yet to win another World Series game (they got swept in 1999 by the same team). All told, the greatest era in Atlanta Braves history saw the team reach five Fall Classics in the 90’s. They won just one of them. Even when they do well, the Braves still manage to fuck it up. 

3. VICK & PETRINO

2007 might’ve been the worst year in Atlanta Falcons history. Bobby Petrino was brought in as head coach to help develop superstar QB Michael Vick into a more complete passer. With Vick seemingly secure, the Falcons traded backup Matt Schaub to the Houston Texans. Shortly after, Vick was suspended indefinitely and sent to prison for his role in a dog fighting ring. Now stuck with Joey Harrington, Byron Leftwich, and Chris Redman, Atlanta limped to a 4-12 record. But the final three games were played without Petrino. One day after a 34-14 Monday Night Football loss to the New Orleans Saints and reassuring team owner Arthur Blank that he intended to stay in Atlanta, Petrino accepted the head coaching position at Arkansas, informing his players of his departure with a four-sentence laminated note left at each of their lockers. Let’s just say Petrino’s actions angered the team, including his assistants. At least the terrible season led to the Falcons drafting Matt Ryan and Petrino got fired from Arkansas in disgrace and in a neck brace.

2. OVERTIME HEARTBREAK

After decades of heartbreak and wasted talent, it seemed certain that Georgia would end its nearly four decade-long title drought. The Bulldogs had finally gotten it together, winning the SEC and topping Oklahoma in an epic Rose Bowl. Now, Georgia was taking it to their longtime nemesis in the 2018 CFP National Championship Game, up 20-7 over Alabama midway through the 3rd quarter with Crimson Tide QB Jalen Hurts pulled for backup Tua Tagovailoa. The lead could’ve been greater, had a blocked punt not been nullified by an erroneous offside call. But then both teams played true to history, as the Crimson Tide rallied to tie the game. Alabama even had a chance to win it with a 36-yard FG as time expired, but the kick went wide left. Georgia got the ball first in OT, nailing a 51-yard FG. The Bulldogs sacked Tagovailoa on the next play, setting up a 2nd and 26. But because Gerogia can’t have anything nice, Tagovailoa hit DeVonta Smith for the title-winning TD. It was the state’s second OT championship loss in less than a year. 

1. 28-3

You knew this was going to be No. 1. I don’t even have to come up with a clever name for this entry. Just “28-3” will suffice. That, of course, is the lead the Atlanta Falcons — gunning for the first championship in franchise history — had over the New England Patriots with 2:06 remaining in the 3rd quarter of Super Bowl LI. What happened afterwards defies belief, even more than three years later and knowing about the Georgia Sports Curse. The Falcons offense (aside from Julio Jones) completely shat the bed, with Devonta Freeman, Kyle Shanahan, and Matt Ryan sharing various degrees of blame. Atlanta’s defense couldn’t stop the Patriots, who scored 25 straight points (and got their own miracle catch) to force OT. Once New England won the coin toss, it was academic, as James White’s two-yard TD run capped the greatest comeback in NFL history and completed maybe the biggest choke job in the history of professional sports. In a cursed city filled with choking and heartbreak, this clearly stands alone in Atlanta sports.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 24, 2012, referee incompetence was on full display on Monday Night Football. The Packers were leading the Seahawks 12-7 with eight seconds remaining and Seattle on Green Bay’s 24-yard line. Rookie QB Russell Wilson avoided the rush, scrambled to his left, and heaved a pass into the end zone as time expired. Packers FS M.D. Jennings and Seahawks WR Golden Tate leapt into the air and each had some control of the ball, though Jennings had by far clearer control. As the players fought for possession on the ground, referee Lance Easley signaled TD, while referee Derrick Rhone-Dunn signaled a clock stoppage. After much debate and discussion, Tate and Jennings were ruled to have simultaneous possession (which favors the offensive player), giving Seattle the 14-12 win. This pissed a lot of people off for a lot of reasons. First, most fans and pundits believed Jennings had sole possession of the ball before Tate got his hands on it. Second, Tate shoved CB Sam Shields with both hands, which the NFL later admitted should’ve been called for pass interference and negated the TD. Third, the controversial call was the latest and greatest incident involving referees, none of whom were supposed to be there. NFL referees (who said they would’ve called the play an INT) were in the middle of a lockout, and games were being called by replacement crews. Two days after the Seahawks-Packers ending, dubbed the “Fail Mary,” the NFL and its referees reached an agreement to end the lockout. Commissioner Roger Goodell admitted the negative attention the game drew was a huge factor for ending the labor dispute. That’ll warm the Packers’ hearts, I’m sure. At least Wilson can say he’s thrown the only game-winning INT in NFL history.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2019 — The House of Representatives initiates an impeachment inquiry against President Donald Trump.
• 2017 — NFL players kneel, lock arms, or stay in their dressing room during the National Anthem in protest of comments made by President Trump against players doing so.
• 2005 — Hurricane Rita makes landfall in the U.S.
• 1988 — Carl Lewis wins the men’s 100m dash gold medal at the 1988 Summer Olympics, with a world record time of 9.92 seconds. Ben Johnson was originally declared the winner with a time of 9.79 seconds, but was stripped of his medal after testing positive for steroids.
• 1988 — Jackie Joyner-Kersee wins the heptathlon gold medal at the 1988 Summer Olympics, setting a world record with a score of 7291.
• 1968 — The TV show 60 Minutes debuts.
• 1960 — The USS Enterprise (not that one), the world’s first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, is launched.
• 1957 — The Dodgers defeat the Pittsburgh Pirates 2-0 in their last game in Brooklyn, before their move to Los Angeles.
• 1948 — The Honda Motor Company is founded.
• 1934 — Babe Ruth plays his final game at Yankee Stadium.
• 1929 — Jimmy Doolittle becomes the first pilot to take off, fly and land an airplane using instruments alone, without a view outside the cockpit.
• 1920 — Babe Ruth becomes the first MLB player to hit 500 home runs in a season.
• 1906 — President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower in Wyoming as the first National Monument in the U.S.
• 1890 — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially renounces polygamy.
• 1789 — Congress passes the Judiciary Act, creating the office of the Attorney General and federal judiciary system and ordering the composition of the Supreme Court.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1973 — Eddie George, former NFL All-Pro and Heisman Trophy-winning RB.
• 1971 — Kevin Millar, former MLB player, current MLB Network broadcaster, and member of 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox.
• 1957 — Wolfgang Wolf, former soccer player/coach. He’s not famous or anything, but I love his name.
• 1941 — John Mackey, HOF TE.
• 1936 — Jim Henson, creator of The Muppets.
• 1896 — F. Scott Fitzgerald, novelist best known for The Great Gatsby. What did F. Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

DEATHS:

• 2002 — Mike Webster, HOF C.
• 1991 — Theodor Geisel, author best known as Dr. Seuss.
• 1945 — Hans Geiger, physicist who co-invented the detector component of the Geiger counter.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Punctuation Day! Given my history with writing, I have uncommonly strong opinions about certain types of punctuation. My most passionate example? I will die on a hill defending the Oxford comma, which is when you put a comma before “and” when listing three or more items (i.e. “red, white, and blue” instead of “red, white and blue”). AP style, which we use at work, does not recognize the Oxford comma, which physically pains me every time I have to leave it out of a script. It just makes way more sense to leave it in.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

GUCCI SELLING JEANS WITH FAKE GRASS STAINS FOR $770

If you thought high-end fashion was all diamond-encrusted leather handbags and silk dresses dripping in pearls, think again.

Gucci is selling jeans with deliberate grass stains on the knees for £600 ($770) a pair.

For true denim lovers, the Italian fashion house also has dungarees in the same style for £850 ($1,092).

Both items are in Gucci’s mens ready to wear collection for Fall/Winter 2020, which, the brand says, channels a “grunge vibe.”

READ MORE

I really, really fucking hate rich people sometimes.

GIVING IT THE OLD COLLEGE TRY

One place I will for sure visit while here in Atlanta is the College Football Hall of Fame, and not just because it’s literally next to my hotel. I’ve been to two sports halls of fame (hockey and basketball), so why not add one more before I go to the Pro Football HOF for Charles Woodson/Tom Flores’ induction (please) next year? Although my college does not have a football team (thus leaving me with no rooting interest), I still enjoy watching college football. But it hasn’t taken me long to notice that there are a lot of people here in Georgia who care about college football more than I do. I am in SEC country, after all.

So they’ll probably disagree with me when I say we shouldn’t be playing college football right now.

I know we’re all tired of it, but we are in the middle of a pandemic. COVID-19 has infected over 31 million people and killed nearly a million more. The threat of the virus forced two of the biggest sports leagues in the world (NBA and NHL) to finish their seasons in a bubble. MLB has not allowed fans in stands and will finish in a bubble. The NFL seems to be a bubble waiting to burst due to not having a solid plan. Guess which one college football is modeling itself after? This, of course, doesn’t even take into consideration that the vast majority of universities haven’t allowed students to be back on campus for school (the thing that, you know, college is for). 

So how’s the college football season going so far? There have been mixed results — expected blowouts, unexpected losses, fantastic finishes, and punter fails. But there have also been multiple games canceled/postponed and nearly entire teams that have tested positive. While this has done little to impact the season as a while, it’s not a good sign. What happens if this happens right before the conference championships or playoffs? Even those are gonna be problematic.

As I mentioned before, the decision on whether or not to play was a clusterfuck, with no united front from conferences. The Big XII and ACC began right away, while the SEC is starting up this week. The B1G, which originally decided to wait until 2021, reversed course and is now set to begin play soon. It will likely be the same for the Pac-12, which also decided to postpone play. While it looks like all of the big boys will play ball, the schedule imbalance and mistiming is going to mean hell when it comes down to picking the CFP teams and NY6 Bowl participants.

How does this end? Hopefully pretty much painless like the NHL and NBA. But unfortunately, there’s a greater chance it could end in a mess or with a champion with a MASSIVE asterisk. This could also provide a roadmap for the NFL on what not to do. To the NFL’s credit, there has been little to complain about on the coronavirus front (other injuries on the other hand…). But things could change quickly. Especially if the coronavirus keeps spreading at places like weddings in hotpots like Georgia.

I’m really writing a self-fulfilling prophecy, aren’t I?

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-0) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-1)

Sleeping Giants and Footballdamus are the league’s two highest-scoring offenses and have seen a lot of points scored against them. But if you think that means the TDs and yards will fly, you may be in for a surprise. Both offenses could be hampered to some degree. For Dad, the obvious example is the absence of Christian McCaffrey. Normally, Pat Mahomes would be a shoe-in to fill in the production. But he’s facing the Ravens in a scintillating showdown that may not leave much room for offense. Calvin Ridley could be explosive and Kenny Golladay may return, but they’re both facing teams with a (surprising) 2-0 record. Who knows if Leonard Fournette and Zach Ertz will be impactful? But at least the 49ers defense should tear the Giants apart, if they can stay healthy. As for Riez, if Derek Carr can torch the Saints, so can Aaron Rodgers. But Carr’s main target, Darren Waller, is battling the Patriots, while the surprising David Johnson has to face the Steelers (whose defense Riez has). DeAndre Hopkins and Mike Evans must do work. 

49ERS (2-0) VS. DARTH RAIDER (1-1)

Can the meteoric rise of Josh Allen as a legitimately good QB continue? While 49ers certainly hope so, he’s facing much stiffer competition against the Rams, who may be without Cam Akers due to his rib injury. Derrick Henry and Adam Thielen (whose teams happen to be facing each other) will have to step up for Gee, especially since Tyler Higbee, Tyreek Hill, and the Saints defense are all facing significantly tougher competition this week. Darth Raider, meanwhile, isn’t without their own potential hurdles. Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper are on the road in Seattle, though as the Patriots proved last week the Seahawks defense isn’t impenetrable. The Bills (hopefully) and Ravens defenses may be, which would be bad news for Arik, Cooper Kupp, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire. Though the Buccaneers defense should do well against a Drew Lock-less Broncos offense, having to rely on D.K. Metcalf, Hunter Henry, and Nick Chubb could be risky, especially Chubb, who unfortunately is still a member of the Cleveland Browns.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-1) VS.  EKEING OUT THE WIN (2-0)

What’s the most depressing way to lose all happiness and optimism after an incredible comeback win? How about getting bitchslapped by a team that not only has the QB who’s going to run over your real life favorite team, but also several members of your championship-winning squad from the year before? Welcome to Orchids of Asia. EKEing Out The Win gets to have a pissed off Cam Newton at home on the East Coast against a questionable Raiders defense. My former boys D.J. Moore and Kenyan Drake should do well, as should the likes of Marquise Brown, Austin Ekeler, T.J. Hockenson, and the Titans defense. So what can I do to fight off the oncoming storm? Not a lot, considering I STILL may be without Michael Thomas, George Kittle, AND A.J. Brown. Sure, Russell Wilson will likely keep up his beast mode stretch. But I can’t expect Julian Edelman to keep putting up career numbers. Marvin Jones, Mark Ingream, D’Andre Swift, and the Bills defense are also in tough matchups. Thank God my vacation will distract me.

THREE EYED RAVENS (0-2) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (1-1)

Three Eyed Ravens apparently decided that barely making the playoffs thanks to riding one incredible season from Lamar Jackson was a good enough formula to repeat this year. Unfortunately for Ewing, Jackson and the Ravens have to deal with the Chiefs this week, which is doubly concerning considering Kansas City’s defense is also on his squad. What’s more, Stefon Diggs and Devin Singletary are getting a step up in competition, while Julio Jones continues to have TD opportunities taken away by Calvin Ridley. Of course, Ewing’s chances will ultimately be determined by which C’s New Champ offense shows up this weekend — the one that lit people up in Week 1, or the one that didn’t show up this week. Drew Brees’ time won’t get any easier against the Packers, while Mark Andrews gets himself involved against the Chiefs as well. Considering the Cowboys and Seahawks play each other, having Chris CArson, Ezekiel Elliott, and Seattle’s defense in the same lineup creates a… unique rooting interest for Chriss.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-2)

Two teams with major questions meet at a crossroads, and fate, fate will decide who gets to avoid another L this week. For Gruden Grinders, Carson Wentz (as of this writing) remains at QB. How long will Jimmy keep riding the maligned Eagles signal caller? Considering Wentz is facing the Bengals this week, probably until at least next week. There are also some worries regarding the production of Josh Jacobs and Tyler Lockett, Aaron Jones and Juju Smith-Schuster should still put up nice numbers. The Bears defense might be destroyed by the Falcons, however. The Krispy Kritters, on the other hand, continue to battle the same issue that plagued Chriss last season — technical problems with signing in. That’s probably why both LeVeon Bell and Saquon Barkley remain in Richard’s starting lineup. Hopefully those issues can be resolved soon. Still, Richard should at least get some good production from Matt Ryan and the aforementioned Bears destruction, along with Terry McLaurin and Miles Sanders in appealing matchups. 

JOP SUEY!!! (1-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-2)

I don’t know if I’m ready to call Kyler Murray the steal of the draft, considering Jop Suey!!! picked him in the 5th round. But Murray has provided Taylor with some unexpectedly great production, which should continue this week. That’s not the only favorable matchup in Taylor’s lineup — Davante Adams, Odell Beckham, Alvin Kamara, Melvin Gordon, Mike Gesicki, and the Chargers defense all should provide plenty of points this week. Points have been hard to come by for Dixie Normous this year, although they should put up at least a decent fight. Tom Brady could keep putting up decent numbers, or have his old bones freeze up in the frigid Denver air. Maybe Ronald Jones can provide some relief against the Broncos. D.J. Chark, Keenan Allen, and the Colts defense should also do well for Nick. I would say the same for Todd Gurley and Joe Mixon, but there are too many questions surrounding both their teams and their opponents to place any significant confidence in. Things have to go right, but the upset may be in play.

ONE LAST THING

I thought of a fun challenge that was supposed to be easy, but ended up being way more challenging and confusing than anticipated, leaving me feeling like Charlie after I stubbornly stuck with it and found a solution. Looking back, I’m not even sure if the idea was funny or even worth writing about. Eh, fuck it.

While I was trying to find a place as far from Sacramento as Braselton is from Atlanta, I discovered that I didn’t even need to go that far to travel to Atlanta. Turns out, just east of Manteca is the San Joaquin County unincorporated community of Atlanta. It was founded by Atlanta, GA native Lee Wilson in 1866 and is full of almond, walnut, olive, and cherry orchards. It was also home to the Zinc House, a notable place of trade and commerce in the area. You can get to Atlanta by following French Camp Road out of Stockton. 

Let me tell you something — Wilson was lazy. Instead of coming up with a creative, new name for his new community, he just decided to name it after his home. This kind of laziness can be seen across the country. There are 88 places in the U.S. named Washington, 33 named Springfield, 26 named Oakland, and 25 named Riverside. So that gave me an idea — can I take a round trip, starting and ending in Sacramento, by using common names of places? I’ll pick a place nearby (let’s go with Atlanta, CA), then travel to the more famous area (Atlanta, GA) and repeat. How long will it take me to make it back home? For my max radius of distance, let’s set it to the Sacramento-Atlanta mark, which according to Google Maps is exactly 60 miles. I will also try to stick to cities, towns, communities, and other “unincorporated areas” — not counties or provinces or anything too large. 

So let’s get started and head 60 miles southeast to the community of Atlanta, CA, before teleporting to my current location of Atlanta, GA. Where do we go from here?

We ignore that I could pretty much end this challenge right away by heading to Walnut Grove, GA and instead go north for about 22 miles to Roswell, the eighth-largest city in the Peach State. But while the city has plenty of history, it’s not the most famous Roswell. That honor goes to Roswell, NM, home of the infamous UFO incident and alien/space-themed tourist attractions. 49 miles south of Roswell is the town of Dayton, NM, which will allow us to head to the more famous Dayton, OH. It’s fitting that, after stopping in the place where the Wright brothers invented man-powered flight, we’ll have to use a plane to go across international borders. That’s because about 39 miles south of Dayton is the “City of Sculpture,” Hamilton, OH, which takes us to Canada.

Hamilton, Ontario is home to one of Canada’s largest industrial areas and the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, the CFL team with the longest current Grey Cup drought. It’s also about 25 miles west of Lincoln, Ontario, allowing us to travel to Lincoln, NE. While there’s not much else in Lincoln besides a washed up college football program, it does happen to be 36 miles southwest of Memphis, NE, which funny enough was settled by natives of Memphis, TN. They originally wanted to name the town Owenville, after John Owen, who owned the land. But Owen said no, so Memphis was their backup idea. About 35 miles west of Memphis is the town of Oakland, TN, which statistically is considered one of the safest places to live in the Volunteer State. That’s especially hilarious because Oakland, CA (not a safe place) is our next stop. But we don’t have to stay there long — Richmond, CA is only 12 miles away. Richmond was the most common name I saw during this experiment, but the biggest overall is definitely Richmond, VA. 

From Richmond, we head 47 miles west to Columbia, VA. We then transition to Columbia, MO, and then around 40 miles east to Portland, MO. But before we move on, I need to mention the city of Mexico, MO, which I discovered and allows me to say this hilarious sentence: Tyronn Lue is from Mexico. Keeping things weird and avoiding protests in our next destination, Portland, OR, we then head 59 miles south to the small city of Dallas, OR. You can say things are a little bigger in Dallas, TX, as are the mysteries of Roanoke. No, not Roanoke, TX 32 miles northwest, but the lost colony of what is now Roanoke, VA. Now we’re back in Virginia, our first repeat state since California. But thanks to the town of Glasgow, VA (about 40 miles northeast of Roanoke, we get to go to our furthest destination — Scotland. 

Glasgow may be Scotland’s most populous city, but the country’s maritime museum is housed some 30 miles southwest in the town of Irvine. Thus, we head back to California for the third time to stop in the Golden State’s version of Irvine, before heading to the census-designated place of Bloomington about 40 miles northwest in San Bernardino County. Bloomington, IN is the home of the Indiana Hoosiers, which is a good enough reason to go there. It’s also about 18 miles east of Nashville, IN, allowing us to head to the home of country music, damn good food, and the worst uniforms in all of hockey: Nashville, TN. We can then drive about 37 miles south before pahking our cahs in Boston, TN. We can get our fill of the greatest baseball team in the world in Boston, MA, then feed our football fix by driving 20 miles south to Canton, MA, allowing us to be transported to the Pro Football HOF in Canton, OH.

After checking out the future home of Charles Woodson and Tom Flores (please please please please), we go about 40 miles south to Fresno, OH, which unfortunately means we next have to visit Fresno, CA. Wanting to go somewhere a little less racist, we head 16 miles southeast to Selma, CA before teleporting to Selma, AL. Wanting to go somewhere with worse roads, we go 50 miles west to Providence, AL, then head to Providence, RI. Our next destination is actually 31 miles west — in Connecticut, in a place naturally called Brooklyn. I think Brooklyn, NY has a few more people than that. Keeping the cross-state theme alive, we cross the bridge into the totally underrated New Jersey and the city of Madison 30 miles west from the Empire State. I’ve also heard Madison, WI is nice, but we have to leave there to go 22 miles south to Evansville, WI. The slightly more popular city is Evansville, IN, which just happens to be about 50 miles north of the tiny town of Sacramento, KY. It was the site of a Civil War battle, but for us all that matters is that it means we can come back home and complete this long journey.

That’s 25 different names spread across 50 places in 20 U.S. states and two other countries. There are two lessons we can learn from this. 1. People who name things need to be more creative. 2. I really need a vacation. 

I’m gonna go start that now. 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness