Ruben's Writings

The devil went down to Georgia (fuck, that should’ve been last week’s theme music) and came back without getting burned.

That’s right boys, I somehow survived an entire trip in one of the country’s biggest coronavirus hot spots without catching the damn illness! Now I can look back on my mini vacation without regret. Well, mostly. You see, something happened at my friend’s wedding and it caused me to make a controversial decision, one I didn’t tell him about until after it had been made. I’ll explain later on in this newsletter.

But as far as my time in Atlanta, it was fun! There were limits to what I could do because of the pandemic. I stayed in the same building where CNN is headquartered, but tours were off limits. My hotel was across the street from Centennial Park, which was closed off. There were a number of restaurants with good reviews and delicious food that weren’t open. The fucking Red Sox were even in town to play the Braves, but no fans were allowed inside Truist Park. I had to wear a mask everywhere I did go and got temperature checked at most places. Still, I managed to see some sights. The Georgia Aquarium was fun and the National Center for Civil and Human Rights was powerful. The Atlanta Botanical Garden is simply beautiful and the College Football Hall of Fame is a must-see experience for you guys (I even made a 30-yard FG!). I also tried chicken and waffles for the first time, a moment which can only be described as heavenly. My flight schedule even let me conveniently experience one of life’s greatest pleasures — being in Dallas when the Cowboys lose. 

However, one consequence was that I was not allowed to return to work until I tested negative for the virus. That meant I could be stuck in my house for as much as two weeks. I know people have been stuck in their homes for much longer than that, but I have been able to leave to go to work this entire time. For three days, my privileged ass went into quarantine. Let me tell you, it was fucking boring. Now I anticipated being at home for much longer, but yesterday I got my negative results back. Three days isn’t exactly much to complain about. But because I’d already committed to making “being stuck at home” my theme of the week, we’re rolling with it.

At least we got the biggest test-related news for our league out of the way.

Well… shit.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (3-0) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (1-2)

146.64 – 143.18

After what may end up being the matchup of the year, Darth Raider has to be wondering if this is just one of those years. Despite scoring more points than anyone else, Arik sits at 1-2 and in the 8th seed, thanks to a loss to the only team that scored more points than him over the weekend. 49ers got off to an explosive start, thanks to Josh Allen (32 points), Derrick Henry (25 points), Allen Robinson (18 points), and Mike Davis (15 points). But Nick Chubb (23 points) and Cooper Kupp (16 points) kept Arik in it, while Dak Prescott (29 points), the Buccaneers defense (18 points), and D.K. Metcalf (15 points) brought the score to a virtual tie. In the end, it came down to who would get more production from their Chiefs player on Monday Night. Clyde Edwards-Helaire (13 points) was all over the place, but unfortunately for Arik not the end zone. Meanwhile, Tyreek Hill (16 points) only had five catches, but one was a TD. That was enough to propel Gee to a third win in as many weeks, and make Arik wonder if he may be cursed this season.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (2-1)

113.32 – 102.40

In their first opportunity to match last season’s win total, Sleeping Giants came up short, in spite of a nearly miraculous comeback against Footballdamus. Both Dad and Riez ended up with some unexpected disappointments. Riez got a shocking goose egg from Darren Waller, while John Brown left with an injury before making a catch. Dad got his own scoreless showing from Diontae Johnson, while Leonard Fournette only managed a couple points more. Calvin Ridley and a returning Kenny Golladay (11 points each) had decent days, but no one apart from the 49ers defense (12 points) finished in double digits on Sunday. That, plus excellent efforts from Aaron Rodgers (24 points) and Dalvin Cook (23 points), allowed Riez to build a 55-point lead going into Monday Night. But Dad nearly brought it back, thanks to a whopping 40-point show from Pat Mahomes. However, the usually reliable Harrison Butker missed two FGs and an extra point. Those kicks might have given Dad the win, though it would’ve been close. 

JOP SUEY!!! (2-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-3)

130.40 – 127.78

The only team that can rival the amount of scorn Darth Raider is feeling has to be Dixie Normous, which was denied their first win of the season at the death. Little did Nick know, his fate was sealed when Dallas Goedert left early with a broken ankle, putting up the only goose egg on the lineup. But Nick had to figure that the likes of Tom Brady (23 points), James Conner (20 points), Todd Gurley (14 points), and the Colts defense (26 defense) had done enough to put him in a position to win. Kyler Murray (24 points), Robert Woods (16 points), and Jeff Wilson (18 points) had good days for Jop Suey!!!, but pedestrian efforts from Melvin Gordon, Odell Beckham, and the Chargers defense helped put Taylor in a 29-point hole with one player yet to take the field. Unfortunately for Nick, that player was Alvin Kamara, who went the fuck off on Sunday Night to the tune of 31 points. That was just enough to nudge Taylor ahead of Nick, which redeemed him for a slim loss in Week 1. That’s little consolation for Nick in this heartbreaking result.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (2-1) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-3)

107.52 – 99.08

This karma may fuck me over in this week’s matchup, but I have no sympathy for Three Eyed Ravens’ loss. I’m not sure how Ewing missed out on Julio Jones not only missing practice all week, but being held out Sunday due to injury. If Ewing had taken out Jones and (and avoided his goose egg), the only other option at WR would’ve been Allen Lazard. This unlucky break would have been a master stroke, with Lazard unexpectedly putting up 20 points. Instead of losing by eight points and falling to 0-3, Ewing would’ve won by 12. Although I guess Ewing could’ve gotten the W had his boy Lamar Jackson not shat the bed against his “kryptonite” on Monday Night. So how badly do I want to pile on my best friend and next week’s opponent while ignoring the efforts of the team that actually won? Not enough. Congrats to C’s New Champ Team on being in position to take advantage of Ewing’s mistake. Drew Brees (23 points) had a nice bounce back game for Chriss, who himself got to rebound from Week 2’s hugely disappointing result.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (3-0) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-2)

103.88 – 77.10

I mean, what did you expect? Three of my first four picks (Michael Thomas, George Kittle, A.J. Brown), are still injured. Julian Edelman, Marvin Jones, Robby Anderson, D’Andre Swift, and Jared Cook had season-low efforts. The Bills defense blew a great performance and nearly blew the game against the Rams. Not even Russell Wilson (36 points) continuing his godlike form could do enough to drag Orchids of Asia to a win. What makes this worse is that EKEing Out The Win didn’t exactly light the world on fire. Cam Newton and Marquise Brown were disappointing and the Jaguars defense got shelled by the Dolphins of all teams. But Kyle got some classic Kyle luck with season-best efforts by James Robinson (24 points) and Austin Ekeler (21 points), which propelled him to victory. If both of those guys don’t do as well and I somehow have the foresight to predict Brandon Aiyuk (16 points) having a breakout day, maybe I could’ve cheesed out another win. But honestly I’m not that mad. My luck from last week had to run out eventually.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-1) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-3)

113.90 – 78.42

So Richard, is your email still fucked up? I sent you that link to retake control of the roster to the email you sent me. Are you just throwing the season due to technical problems like Chriss did last year? That’s the only logical explanation for both Saquon Barkley and Le’Veon Bell being in The Krispy Kritters’ lineup. It didn’t help that Michael Gallup (19 points) was the only player to do anything of real consequence for Richard. Even Matt Ryan, who lit up the first two weeks of the season, had nothing this time around. Maybe he’s accepted his team’s futility (more on that later). All Gruden Grinders had to do was not trip over themselves, and they successfully avoided that fate. Tyler Lockett (28 points) and Carson Wentz (25 points) (somehow) were the highlights for Jimmy, who also got good days from Aaron Jones (14 points) and Juju Smith-Schuster (12 points). Jimmy’s had a sort of weird start to the season, having only lost the game where he put up his highest-scoring effort so far. But I’m sure he’ll be happy with his team’s 2-1 record.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (3-0)
2. EKEing Out The Win (3-0)
3. Footballdamus (2-1)
4. Jop Suey!!! (2-1)
5. Sleeping Giants (2-1)
6. Gruden Grinders (2-1)
7. C’s New Champ Team (2-1)
8. Darth Raider (1-2)
9. Orchids of Asia (1-2)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (0-3)
11. Dixie Normous (0-3)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-3)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Darth Raider (385.02)
2. 49ers (377.42)
3. Footballdamus (373.78)
4. Jop Suey!!! (358.64)
5. Sleeping Giants (349.92)
6. Gruden Grinders (336.28)
7. EKEing Out The Win (323.08)
8. C’s New Champ Team (298.10)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (296.24)
10. Dixie Normous (293.12)
11. Orchids of Asia (292.20)
12. The Krispy Kritters (280.34)

(NOT) POSITIVE NEWS

We knew this would happen eventually. There was no way the NFL was going to get through their season cleanly without a bubble format. The only question was when. Turns out, Week 4.

The Tennessee Titans have shut down their facilities until Saturday, after a handful of players and staff members tested positive for COVID-19. It’s unclear when or how they contracted the virus, which has left the players with “flu-like symptoms.” As a result, Sunday’s game between the Titans and Pittsburgh Steelers has been postponed past Week 4, meaning Titans/Steelers players won’t be counted this week. In addition, the Minnesota Vikings (who played the Titans on Sunday) evacuated their facilities through the end of the week, though no one in their organization has tested positive.

Now, we wait to see if this will be the only game impacted by the positive results, or if the impact will spread. A similar situation happened with MLB, when the Miami Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals had several positive tests and had several games postponed. This was largely because baseball games are played nearly every day, meaning there was little time to isolate and get further testing. Fortunately for the NFL, there are a lot more days in between games, so there’s also more flexibility for the schedule. But this is also a double-edged sword — if something like this happens later in the season, that flexibility goes away. Both the league and players/coaches have to be extra careful to not cause any further spread.

Unfortunately, much like MLB, some NFL personnel don’t seem to be taking it seriously. Where MLB had players going out to casinos and restaurants, the NFL has coaches being fined for not wearing masks properly. From Bill Belichick to Sean Payton to Vic Fangio to Jon Gruden, coaches seemingly can’t wear a fucking mask properly. They claim that they can’t properly communicate or be heard wearing a mask, despite it being quieter than usual due to there being no fan noise at the games. It’s incredibly embarrassing for the league to have the simple mask policy being ignored by team leaders who are on camera a lot. 

If the NFL isn’t careful, this could only be the tip of the iceberg. It’s a shocking reminder that the season could be canceled at any time.

FFor those who will lose players because of this, that’s just shitty luck. Also, remember that we decided before the season to simply return everyone’s dues and declare the year null and void if the NFL is canceled at any point. Don’t be influenced by your spot in the standings. That’s why I had you vote in advance. 

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

I was at the mercy of airport TVs (all tuned to the Falcons-Bears game) on Sunday, so I didn’t get to watch any of the Raiders-Patriots game. So it was a shock to see Las Vegas winning after the 1st quarter and only trailing by three points at the half. After that, the wheels fell off the wagon. Turnovers, mental mistakes, and shaky Derek Carr play (which all had been avoided during the first two games) wound up being the downfall. You can’t do that shit against good teams, especially New England, which pounced to pull away in the second half. 

I’m not disappointed with the result — I definitely expected the Patriots to win. But given how well the Raiders played in the first half, this feels like a missed opportunity. Had the Silver and Black been able to limit mistakes and make more offensive plays, this team could’ve been 3-0. I guess this is just part of the learning curve for a young team, which has still not seen a lot of production from the hurt Henry Ruggs. But what I’m worried about is the season mimicking what happened in New England — solid start before everything comes apart.

The Patriots were just the start. This week, the Raiders get to deal with the wild offense and solid defense of the Buffalo Bills. Then, it’s a trip to Arrowhead to face the Kansas City Chiefs. After a bye, Las Vegas gets to host the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Including New England, you can make an argument that the Raiders are in the midst of playing four Top 10 NFL teams in a row. While no one would fault them for losing all of those games, it could be demoralizing to see a 2-0 start lead to a 2-4 record nearing the halfway point of the season. Yes, the back half of the schedule is dramatically easier than the front. But if you’re relying on the Raiders to string together some wins during the playoff race, you’re either an optimist or not familiar with the franchise.

Then again, it could be worse. We could be Falcons fans.

STAT OF THE WEEK

I am simply at a loss of words regarding the Atlanta Falcons. The Cleveland Browns have been the epitome of sadness for years, but they (along with the historically maligned Buffalo Bills) have winning records right now. The Minnesota Vikings and Philadelphia Eagles are awful but nothing but your average bad/injured. The New York Jets and New York Giants are their own special brand of terrible and are clearly the two worst teams in the league. But the Falcons have separated themselves by becoming the laughing stock of the NFL, no small feat considering the other teams I just named.

But that’s what happens when you follow up blowing a 29-10 4th quarter lead by blowing a 26-10 4th quarter lead the following week. Yes, Atlanta was missing Julio Jones and A.J. Terrell. But clearly the first 45 minutes showed that wasn’t too much of a problem. But as evidenced, the worst position for the Falcons to be in is up by 10+ points. I have never seen a team less capable in crunch time than the Dan Quinn-led Falcons. I marveled at how he still had a job last week and I continue to marvel at how he hasn’t been fired yet. Although reportedly Quinn could finally be relieved of duty if Atlanta falls against the Packers. Given that Green Bay has the highest-scoring offense in the league, I don’t like Quinn’s odds.

But the Falcons’ latest collapse may have woken up a sleeping bear (pun intended). The key to Chicago’s comeback was the insertion of Nick Foles into the QB position in favor of Mitch Trubisky. Foles threw three 4th quarter TDs and won the starting job. Big Dick Nick has been streaky across his career, playing either at Titty Kisser level or Super Bowl MVP, with no in-between. In fact, Trubisky had beaten Foles for the starting job in training camp. But if Foles can play up to his potential, Chicago could suddenly be a force. The Bears had been barely winning, mostly thanks to good fortune with their early schedule. Throw in a capable QB and they could jump from simply lucky to genuinely good. 

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 1, 1995, a matchup between two franchises at vastly different points in their history ended with a first achievement for one of them. The Houston Oilers had recently seen the last embers of their championship window extinguish, with franchise QB Warren Moon recently being traded away and owner Bud Adams frequently threatening to move the team. The Jacksonville Jaguars, meanwhile, had no history, entering the NFL in 1995. Jacksonville’s first ever game was at home against Houston, who won 10-3. But the rematch four weeks later at the Astrodome went much differently. The Jaguars jumped out to a 10-0 lead, but the offense stalled after that, allowing the Oilers to rally for 16 unanswered points. Down 16-10, Jacksonville head coach Tom Coughlin swapped out QB Steve Beuerlein in favor of Mark Brunell, who interestingly was part of the first ever trade in Jaguars history. After Houston’s Rodney Thomas fumbled late in the 4th quarter, Brunell led Jacksonville on a late drive, hitting Desmond Howard for a 15-yard TD with just over a minute to play. Mike Hollis’ extra point gave the Jaguars a 17-16 lead, although the Oilers had a chance to win it as time expired. However, Al Del Greco’s 52-yard FG was wide, giving the Jaguars their first ever win in franchise history. After this game, both franchises went in vastly different directions. At the end of the 1995 season, Adams announced he was moving the Oilers to Nashville. That relocation took place after the 1996 season, a year which saw the Jaguars not only make their first playoff appearance, but reach the AFC Championship game thanks to a shocking upset of the No. 1 seed Denver Broncos. Three years later, Jacksonville would return to the AFC title game, this time as the No. 1 seed and with a 14-2 regular season record. However, they would fall short of a spot in Super Bowl XXXIV, losing for the third time to the former Oilers franchise — in their first year as the Tennessee Titans. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2017 — 58 people are killed and 869 others injured in a mass shooting at a country music festival at the Las Vegas Strip.
• 2017 — O.J. Simpson is released from prison in Nevada.
• 2004 — Ichiro Suziki records his 258th hit of the season, breaking George Sisler’s 84-year-old MLB record.
• 2000 — The U.S. defeats France 85-75 to win the men’s basketball gold medal at the Sydney Olympics.
• 1999 — The Edmonton Oilers retire Wayne Gretzky’s #99.
• 1994 — A NHL player lockout begins.
• 1989 — Denmark introduces the world’s first legal same-sex registered partnerships.
• 1984 — Peter Ueberroth replaces Bowie Kuhn as MLB commissioner.
• 1982 — Sony and Phillips launch the compact disc in Japan.
• 1982 — Epcot opens at Walt Disney World.
• 1975 — Muhammad Ali defeats Joe Frazier in the Thrilla in Manila.
• 1971 — Walt Disney World opens.
• 1970 — The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Montreal Expos 2-1 in the final game at Connie Mack Stadium.
• 1967 — Richard Petty wins his record tenth consecutive NASCAR race.
• 1964 — Shinkansen (bullet trains) begin high-speed rail service from Tokyo to Osaka.
• 1964 — The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of the UC Berkeley.
• 1961 — The U.S. Defense Intelligence Agency is formed.
• 1961 — Roger Maris becomes MLB’s all-time single-season home run leader with his 61st long ball. 
• 1958 — The National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics is replaced by NASA.
• 1957 — “In God We Trust” on U.S. paper currency for the first time.
• 1950 — Connie Mack, who took over the Philadelphia Athletics in 1901, manages his last game for the team.
• 1949 — The People’s Republic of China is established.
• 1946 — Nazi leaders are sentenced at the Nuremberg trials.
• 1945 — World heavyweight boxing champion Joe Louis is discharged from U.S. Army after being awarded the Legion of Merit
• 1940 — The Pennsylvania Turnpike, often considered the first superhighway in the U.S., opens to traffic.
• 1932 — Babe Ruth calls his shot, gesturing towards center field before hitting a home run in Game 3 of the World Series.
• 1931 — The George Washington Bridge, linking New Jersey and New York, is opened.
• 1922 — The former Chicago Staleys defeat the Racine Legion 6-0 in their first game as the Chicago Bears.
• 1908 — The Ford Model T goes on sale at a price of $825.
• 1903 — The Pittsburgh Pirates defeat the Boston Americans 7-3 in the first modern World Series game.
• 1891 — Stanford University opens.
• 1890 — Yosemite National Park is established by Congress.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1992 — Xander Bogaerts, two-time World Series Champion shortstop for the Boston Red Sox and my current favorite baseball player. It takes a lot to follow David Ortiz’s place in my heart, but giving a ball to a coach to throw up to a fan (me) on top of the Green Monster then hitting a home run that night will do it.
• 1989 — Brie Larson, actress and Sacramento native best known as Captain Marvel in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
• 1969 — Zach Galifianakis, actor best known as Alan Garner in The Hangover trilogy and the host of Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.
• 1963 — Mark McGwire, former MLB player and steroid user.
• 1947 — Dave Arneson, co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons.
• 1945 — Rod Carew, HOF infielder and legendary hitter.
• 1935 — Julie Andrews, iconic actress who has way too many notable roles to name.
• 1924 — Jimmy Carter, 39th President.
• 1913 — Helio Gracie, martial arts icon and godfather of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
• 1893 — Ip Man, martial arts icon, Wing Chun grandmaster, and Bruce Lee’s sensei. Behold, another excuse to watch this scene from Ip Man again.

DEATHS:

• 2013 — Tom Clancy, author whose espionage and military-themed works have been turned into several movies, TV shows, and video games.
• 1985 — E.B. White, author whose works include Stuart Little and Charlotte’s Web.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Hair Day! Given all of the eccentric personalities in NFL history, there have been plenty of memorable hairstyles, from long locks to afros to dreadlocks to mullets to whatever the hell Cam Newton’s doing right now. To celebrate, let’s look at some of our favorite follicles to ever grace a football field.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 ICONIC HAIRDOS IN NFL HISTORY

This is either going to be one of the best or worst lists I’ve ever made. For the most part, I’m not just choosing one particular hairstyle, but one player who was known at least partially for his hair. I don’t know if the general public was more or less obsessed with hair back in the day, but most of the players on this list are from the modern era, even though most of the hairstyles from like the 60’s and 70’s were probably weirder. Call it ignorance by the younger generation or blame it on the lack of pictures or documented hair love from back in the day. Take this list with a grain of salt — it’s supposed to be one of the funner ones anyway.

HONORABLE MENTION: SHAKE THEM DREADS

I can’t identify who was the first big name player to sport dreadlocks, but I’d be remiss to not mention the ever popular dreads. For current players, I’d have to say DeAndre Hopkins, Richard Sherman, and Larry Fitzgerald are among the most notable with dreadlocks. Shoutout to Steven Jackson, Marshawn Lynch, Rashean Mathis, and the other previous dreadlocked players. 

HONORABLE MENTION: THE WORST

There’s good, there’s iconic, then there’s whatever the fuck George Kittle is trying to do. Speaking of terrible, there’s everything Antonio Brown did (and his hair), whatever Cam Newton is going for, whatever Chris Kemoeatu did, Jeff Reed’s Guy Fieri impression, and Andrew Luck’s balding Abraham Lincoln look. But my pick for the worst hairstyle in NFL history: Antonio Garay. 

10. ANDY DALTON

This may seem like a random pick, but hear me out. While there’s nothing particularly wild about Andy Dalton’s hairstyle, there is one unique aspect about it — it’s bright, fiery orange. Dalton’s gingerness alone sets him apart from virtually every player in NFL history. That alone makes Dalton’s hair iconic. He’s also a QB, which puts him further in the spotlight. Dalton has seized the football redhead market so much that no one gave a shit about Carson Wentz’s hair when he came into the league. Playing for the orange and black Cincinnati Bengals didn’t hurt, either..

9. AARON RODGERS

While Aaron Rodgers doesn’t have one particular style, he has to get a spot due to the incredible variety he’s shown in his career. On top, Rodgers has gone from short to Jon Heder to long locks to short again. But what sets him apart is his facial hair and willingness to rock a number of different styles. Rodgers has sported a soul patch, regular mustache, fu manchu, mutton chops, and a full on beard. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not surprised by anything he does. That doesn’t make Rodgers’ versatility any less amazing. He’s a jack of all trades for follicles.

8. RANDY MOSS/COLIN KAEPERNICK

I could not complete this list without mentioning the afro, and not just because of my own ability to grow nothing but a jewfro. Objectively, afros have to be the hardest hairstyle to cram into a helmet, which makes sporting one all the more impressive. In more recent times, Randy Moss and Colin Kaepernick had some of the most recognizable afros, although they’re far from the only NFL players to rock the huge hair. It was after all the popular style during the time of the NFL-AFL merger. Shoutout to Tiquan Underwood for sporting one of the afroest flattops I’ve ever seen.

7. DOMATA PEKO

While he was a strong to serviceable member of the defensive line for decades, Domata Peko was also the guy with a huge flow coming out of the back of his helmet whose name I never knew until I looked it up a few years ago. Objectively, Peko’s hair — his long locks combined with his impressive beard — should be higher on this list. But unfortunately Peko, who never made a Pro Bowl or All-Pro team, was never a household name. As I mentioned, I had to look up his name because I could never remember it. But I will always remember Peko’s massive mane. 

6. CHARLIE WHITEHURST

Charlie Whitehurst was a career backup QB, starting fewer games than years played in the NFL. However, he managed to gain a significant fan following and one of the best nicknames in sports history: Clipboard Jesus. Why? It’s all because of his long locks and thick beard. Seriously, look at this player profile picture and tell me Whitehurst isn’t the Second Coming. Perhaps he was for Clemson fans — Whitehurst was the first Tigers QB to go 4-0 against rival South Carolina. But Whitehurst’s “best hair on a former Clemson QB” crown could be stolen in the near future.  

5. CLAY MATTHEWS

Clay Matthews (currently a free agent) was one of the best LBs of his generation, winning a Super Bowl and being named to multiple Pro Bowl and All-Pro teams. However, people will either claim that Matthews was either overrated or underrated due to one fact: people were obsessed with his hair. Matthews’ long locks were so popular, they had their own Facebook fan page. It didn’t help that Matthews actively wet his hair and shook it around every time the camera was on him. No matter how good or bad he played, Matthews’ hair always got the most attention.

4. BRIAN BOSWORTH

Iconic doesn’t necessarily mean good. That’s certainly the case with Brian Bosworth, the larger than life LB whose antics and persona often overshadowed anything he did on the field. One part of that persona The Boz always brought with him to the gridiron was his hairdo — a long blonde mullet with some sort of design cut into the sides. While Bosworth (both his play and his hair) arguably peaked at Oklahoma, he still had some notable time in the spotlight in the NFL. Is this the part where I link the video of Bosworth getting run over by Bo Jackson? Yes it is. 

3. JOE NAMATH

Joe Namath may not have won as many championships or thrown for as many yards as some other notable QBs, but he in my opinion was the biggest star the NFL has ever seen. From his playboy lifestyle and off-field shenanigans to his quotable moments and historic Super Bowl III upset victory, Namath did enough to be named the greatest character in NFL history. Any hair Namath had would’ve been memorable, but his flowy locks and occasional fu manchu added even more to his image. While the hair was great, it being attached to Namath was key.

2. ROB RYAN

While I’m nowhere as much of a Rob Ryan fanatic as my girl Katie Nolan, I can’t ignore the long, silver flow sported by the longtime NFL defensive coach. Look at that picture above and tell me the word “magnificent” doesn’t come to mind. This doesn’t even cover his Kenny Powers days from earlier in his career. That mane may be the reason Rob, unlike his twin brother, Rex, never got a head coaching gig. But Ryan has a personal, noble reason to keep growing it out. I was considering making Ryan No. 1, but the other hair was too great to not take the top spot. 

1. TROY POLAMALU

Objectively, Troy Polamalu has the best hair in NFL history, and not just because he’s been able to cash in on his locks and star in Hair & Shoulders commercials. From just a hair standpoint, the long black mane was always on point. But what sets it above was how it played into Polamalu’s image. Anytime you saw that hair poking out from underneath that helmet, you know shit was about to go down. Fear flowed through anyone who saw that flow on the field. Polamalu was one of the best defensive players in NFL history, and sported the best hair in all of football.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

JOE AND JENNIFER MONTANA FOIL ATTEMPTED KIDNAPPING OF THEIR GRANDCHILD

MALIBU, Calif. – Pro Football Hall of Famer Joe Montana and his wife, Jennifer, stopped an intruder from kidnapping their grandchild on Saturday afternoon. The incident culminated with Jennifer Montana pulling the child out of the intruder’s arms.

The 9-month-old child was slumbering peacefully in the living room when a woman entered the Montanas’ Malibu, Calif., house, took the child out of a playpen and held the child in her arms, the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department said in a statement.

The woman, later identified as 39-year-old Sodsai Dalzell, took the child upstairs, where the Montanas confronted her, the sheriff’s department said.

They asked her to give the child back. She refused.

“A tussle ensued and Mrs. Montana was able to safely pry the child out of the suspect’s arms,” the sheriff’s department said.

READ MORE

I didn’t actually booth a show during this past week, but I couldn’t not put this story in here. HOLY FUCKING SHIT this situation is insane. Joe Cool comes up clutch again.

SOUTHERN INHOSPITALITY

So this is what happened during the one moment things didn’t go as planned in Georgia. I want you to tell me if I did the right thing or if there was something I could’ve done differently.

All was well when I got to the Chateau Elan on Saturday. I checked into my hotel, which required people to wear a mask. I got changed into my three-piece suit (which fit a little more tightly than I remembered), complete with a new light green/purple tie and a (somewhat) matching mask. I took the shuttle to the main resort, where most people were wearing masks. Along the way, the shuttle picked up three other members of the wedding crowd, who were all wearing masks. We were driven to the site of the wedding ceremony — a vineyard on the resort. We were the first ones to arrive and I put my wedding gift on the designated table. After that, things got weird.

After everyone got comfortable, the other three people took off their masks. More people — the parents of both the bride and groom along with a group younger than me — arrived. None were wearing masks. Eventually, there were some three dozen people gathered at the ceremony site. Three were wearing masks — myself and a couple who were at minimum in their late 70’s. Some people arrived with masks but took them off. Some of those expressed relief at taking off their masks and were met with cries of “you don’t have to wear a mask here!” from others. None of them said a goddamn word to me the entire time.

The reason the wedding was held in Georgia is that a lot of the bride and groom’s family live in the area. Thus, the majority of people who were invited knew each other. In fact, apart from the bride and groom, I only knew two people (another couple) who were invited. I found out a week before I left that neither would be attending due to fear of catching coronavirus (they live with older, at-risk people). So the only two people I knew in all of Georgia were getting married, and obviously not mingling with the crowd that day. Now, I’ve heard a lot about southern hospitality and it’s generally considered polite to make sure there’s no odd person out at something like a wedding. But at no point while I was there did anyone try to strike up a conversation with me.

I will never know exactly why this happened. I even stood near the groom’s parents for several minutes, with them just standing there and not looking at me. Maybe it was because I was the one unfamiliar face. Maybe it was because that unfamiliar face was partially covered by a mask. I never had a mask problem in Atlanta, one of the more progressive cities in the South. But this was rural, rich white person Georgia, which doesn’t exactly share the same views. I don’t want to accuse people I don’t know of having bias. Still, the circumstances say that it happened. Even the pure curiosity of “who’s that one person we don’t know but somehow got invited to the wedding?” should’ve been enough to at least say hi. Nope.

I had been in a slightly similar situation a few years ago. Some of you may remember my old high school friend Annie, Ewing’s ex-girlfriend who used to attend some of our UFC parties. When she got married in Yuba City, I was there. Because Ewing didn’t go despite being invited, there weren’t a lot of people I knew there. I was also one of two non-white people there and the only one not wearing cowboy boots. But there were some differences — I knew Annie’s parents and could mingle with them. There also wasn’t a pandemic, meaning only social anxiety kept me from mingling with strangers. I eventually overcame that and made some friends, making fun of the fact that I was the only one at my table who wasn’t with a significant other. But the fact that I was still pretty much by myself caused me to make an early exit to my hotel.

Now, in even worse circumstances, I was not about to sit around for several hours during a pandemic in an enclosed space in a coronavirus hotspot with people who didn’t care to talk to me. I stayed for the ceremony (which included multiple prayers and a wine box), shook hands with the groom and congratulated the newlyweds on their big day, and walked about half a mile back to my hotel room, where I remained for the rest of the night (only leaving to pick up a dinner order from a nearby restaurant). I completely skipped out on the reception for the wedding (the main fucking reason I even went to Georgia), turned down a chance to celebrate my good friend’s most joyous day, and passed on a miniscule but nonzero chance to hook up with a drunk bridesmaid due to fears of catching coronavirus and being a wallflower. 

While I was watching Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals in my underwear while eating from Longhorn Steakhouse, I received a call from the groom asking where I had gotten to. Not wanting to make a big deal out of it, I simply told him I was tired and decided to call it an early night. He seemed confused and disappointed, but I assured him all was well, congratulated him on his big day again, and thanked him for inviting me. We were actually supposed to hang out in Atlanta the previous day, for a day trip to the College Football Hall of Fame. But he had to cancel to take care of some last-minute wedding shit. Completely understandable. I don’t know if he felt overly sorry about that, but he texted me on Sunday apologizing for not being able to hang out and thanking me for coming. I responded by again thanking him for inviting me, but I felt worse about what happened and my decision to abandon him the night before.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing? On one hand, this was the biggest day of my good friend’s life and literally the reason I took a vacation during the pandemic. But should he have even held the wedding during a pandemic — and in a major hotspot — anyway? (Side note: his wife’s family is fucking loaded and apparently they didn’t want to waste their reservation at the coveted, fancy as hell resort). Should they have also made it a point for guests to wear masks? Definitely, and not just because it put the fear of God in me to stay six feet away from everyone. That decision (and me wearing a mask anyway) might’ve led to me not talking to anyone, but I’m kind of a loner anyway and didn’t make any effort to talk to anyone. I was honestly scared I would catch COVID-19. As of this writing, I haven’t heard of any positive tests from the wedding. So were my worries for nothing? I did stay for the most important part (the ceremony) and made sure to say hi to the bride and groom before I left. But the reception’s where the real memories are made. Did I skip out on it for no good reason?

One last note about the whole thing. Consider how, regardless of circumstances, I didn’t exactly receive that so-called southern hospitality at the ceremony, whether it be because people didn’t know me or because I was wearing a mask (and therefore a radical commie liberal S.O.B.). Now realize that, when I left the ceremony, this mask-wearing, slightly overweight, California democratic loner was the only person to have put a wedding gift on that table. The only one. Maybe they should call it western hospitality?

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (3-0) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-1)

A potentially explosive matchup with likely a big impact on playoff seeding could get a bit neutered by COVID-19. The uncertainty surrounding the Titans-Steelers game has Derrick Henry (49ers) and Pittsburgh’s defense (Footballdamus) in jeopardy. As mentioned above, both are still set to count for now. But if both are compromised, it seems Gee will feel the loss harder than Riez. Riez also has to watch out for ankle injuries to both DeAndre Hopkins and John Brown, with the latter most likely to miss time. Fortunately, Riez has options on the bench along with skill players like Mike Evans, Dalvin Cook, David Johnson, and Darren Waller (who hopefully has a bounce back game). Having Aaron Rodgers against the woeful Falcons doesn’t hurt, either. Gee’s QB, Josh Allen, may be challenged by the Raiders, though I might be kidding myself. Adam Thielen, Allen Robinson, and Tyreek Hill should continue to tear it up, while Tyler Higbee and the Rams defense get to feast on the terrible Giants. This should be a good one. 

GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-1) VS. EKEING OUT THE WIN (3-0)

It will be boom or bust between Gruden Grinders and EKEing Out The Win this week. The bigger risks appear to be facing Jimmy, and I’m not just talking about Juju Smith-Schuster’s game being postponed. Carson Wentz and the dumpster fire Eagles have to face the wrecking ball known as the 49ers. The Bears will also get a big test against the Colts. But as usual, Jimmy’s fate will likely come down to his RBs. Aaron Jones will probably light it up, mostly because the Packers will destroy the Falcons early en route to Green Bay running the ball to kill clock. Josh Jacobs faces a much tougher task — the Bills. But this all doesn’t mean Kyle’s sitting pretty. Cam Newton will face his toughest test all year against the Chiefs, while Austin Ekeler battles the Buccaneers. Kyle continues his love affair with the Jaguars by having the Jacksonville defense and James Robinson) in action. Kenyan Drake and D.J. Moore happen to be facing each other, although both are playing far below the level they did for last year’s championship-winning team.

JOP SUEY!!! (2-1) VS. DARTH RAIDER (1-2)

After getting blue balled again last weekend, Darth Raider is out for blood this time around. Arik’s roster looks like it’ll help out with his wishes.The Browns-Cowboys game will see Dak Prescott, Amari Cooper, and Nick Chubb in action for Arik, while Cooper Kupp, D.K. Metcalf, and the Buccaneers defense each have mouth-watering matchups. Arik can also likely count on Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Hunter Henry, and Mason Crosby to produce big numbers anyway. There’s a reason Arik has scored more points than anyone else through three weeks. But that doesn’t mean Jop Suey!!! is completely written off. Kyler Murray will look for a bounce back week against a depleted Panthers squad, while Robert Woods and Melvin Gordon look ready to feast. Odell Beckham and Mike Gesicki can also have big days, but odds are they won’t be as productive as advertised. While Taylor does have the human points machine known as Alvin Kamara, he also has the Eagles defense, which is preparing for its scheduled colonoscopy from the 49ers.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (2-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (0-3)

I am officially putting C’s New Champ Team on upset alert. Dixie Normous nearly stole their first win of the season and improved play has them primed to finally get the W this week. Tom Brady will usually do what he does best to the Chargers — carve them up. But that doesn’t mean Keenan Allen won’t get his chances against the Buccaneers. Joe Mixon should make easy work of the Jaguars and (despite a bad matchup on paper) DeVante Parker and Todd Gurley could easily have a breakout game. I do worry about the Colts defense against Big Dick Nick and the Bears, though. Chriss does get the serves of Drew Brees against the Lions and anything Brady throws to Chris Godwin (assuming he plays). Same goes for Chris Carson, which means Ezekiel Elliott and Kareem Hunt will need to do some makeup work and the Seahawks defense will need to put the clamps on Parker and the Dolphins. Of course, if James Conner and Jonnu Smith can’t go for Nick due to their game being postponed, I retract my upset alert declaration. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (1-2) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-3)

Between Orchids of Asia sweeping Three Eyed Ravens during last year’s title-winning campaign and my shit talking of Ewing’s decision making last weekend, I’ve definitely compiled enough bad karma to get fucking destroyed this week. Giving Ewing his first win is something I desperately want to avoid and my injured as hell roster may be getting less so. George Kittle is looking likely to play and Michael Thomas may take the field again as well. Russell Wilson’s cooking show spreads to Miami, while I’m gambling on Chris Carson missing time by putting in Carlos Hyde. If he doesn’t work, at least Mark Ingram should power through Washington. By having the Bills defense, I should set myself up for some happiness either way. Knowing me it won’t happen. Ewing meanwhile gets to trot out Lamar Jackson, Stefon Diggs, Allen Lazard, Devin Singletary, and Darrel Henderson in favorable matchups. Then there’s the potential points from Jonathan Taylor, Matt Prater, and the Chiefs defense. Yeah… I think I may be slightly fucked here. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-3)

This, and apparently every future matchup for the season, seems to be dependent on whether or not The Krispy Kritters is the 2019 C’s Champion Team 2.0. Currently, Richard has Saquon Barkley, Le’Veon Bell, and Jamal Agnew set to put up three goose eggs this week. That would negate any expected production from Travis Kelce, Justin Tucker, and the Ravens defense, along with any potential points from Miles Sanders, Terry McLaurin, and Michael Gallup and whatever Matt Ryan can do before the Falcons blow their latest double-digit lead. All of this is good news for Sleeping Giants, whose Christian McCaffrey-less roster is still terrifying. While Pat Mahomes might not put up 40 points again, he’ll still probably score a lot. Calvin Ridley, Kenny Golladay, David Montgomery, and the 49ers defense should also have excellent days. Throw in some sleepers in Leonard Fournette, Zach Ertz, and Rex Burkhead, and Dad should be in prime position to earn as many victories in four games as he did in 13 games last season.

ONE LAST THING

So, wanna know what it’s like to get tested for COVID-19?

Amazingly, I was able to schedule an appointment for the following afternoon when I got back to Sacramento on Sunday. I went through Project Baseline, where I had to fill out a survey of things like age, symptoms (I said I had coughs and headaches), job-related specifics, and other items. I was eventually approved for a drive-up test at Cal Expo (you have to have an appointment to get tested). This kind of testing is meant to be safe and efficient, so I felt comfortable taking an hour-long break from work to get everything taken care of. Given that I live about 15-20 minutes away from Cal Expo, I had major faith in the efficiency part of that goal. 

For the record, none of these photos are mine — you’re not allowed to take pics due to privacy’s sake. Each of these are from different news outlets, but are of the exact same situations I came across during my test.

I pulled up to the front gate of Lot D and, after showing both my driver’s license and an email confirming my appointment through my rolled up window, was directed towards a pre-made path into the main parking lot. That’s where I joined my first line of cars, this one leading towards a white tens. I had to keep my window rolled down and — following instructions held up on a sign — presented my ID and appointment reference number for a second time. I was then redirected to a dude in military fatigues (one of several on the site), who apparently was in charge of late registers. After presenting my ID and reference number for a third time behind my window, I was approved and directed through what a map of Cal Expo that I googled says is the Blue Gate, into the Expo grounds themselves. That’s where I joined another, longer line of cars and immediately began worrying that this would take a lot longer than expected.

But it turns out that line moved pretty quickly, winding past the water tower and to the back of the pavilion near the racetrack grandstand. That’s where there was another series of tents and, for the fourth time, I presented my driver’s license and reference number from behind my window. However, unlike the other times, I was not simply waved through. A lady in scrubs and a mask placed a small plastic bag beneath my windshield before sending me away. I didn’t have too far to travel — my final destination was the pavilion itself. The giant hanger was empty except for three tables, which were set up next to one of three lanes. Once a lane was open, a guy held up a sign with either the number 1, 2, or 3, signifying which lane to go to. I drew lucky #2.

After putting my car in park and being told to turn off my engine, one of the ladies in masks and scrubs grabbed the plastic bag, pulled something from it, and gave it to the second lady. Then, finally, I was told to roll down my window. I kind of wish I didn’t because of what happened next. The second lady handed me a small, q-tip-like swab and told me to stick it up one nostril, swirl it around ten times, put it in the other nostril, and swirl it around another ten times. I had to lean my head back so the swab got as far up there as possible. To describe this process as painful and uncomfortable would be a disservice to the words “painful” and “uncomfortable.” But that ended up being the final boss, as I put the swab in a tube, gave it back to the lady, rolled up my window, and was sent on my way. I even ended up coming home exactly an hour after I left.

My point: don’t catch coronavirus or else you’ll have to stick a q-tip up your nostrils.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness