Ruben's Writings

We have (mostly) made it through a quarter of the NFL regular season. Unfortunately, there may not be much more of the season left.

The NFL’s coronavirus situation is getting worse. The chief offenders are the Tennessee Titans, who have seen nearly two dozen players and staff test positive for COVID-19. But the bigger news breaking this week is that, after the team’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers was postponed and facilities were shut down again, several players (including Ryan Tannehill) held an unsanctioned workout at a school in Nashville. Players have also allegedly not worn masks properly at team facilities and attacked the reporter who broke the story on social media. Now, there’s speculation the Titans’ game against the Buffalo Bills could be in danger, with the Titans taking the brunt of the punishment and straight up forfeiting. To give some perspective on how massive that would be, there has never been an official forfeited game in NFL history. If that were to happen, the Bills would officially win by a 2-0 score. Of course, there would be chatter about the Steelers deserving a forfeit win as well, creating a new wrinkle for this potential nightmare. Other, “historic” punishments could come as well. All of this of course has to happen to arguably the best team in Tennessee history.

While the Titans are in the deepest shit by far, they’re far from the only ones smelling stinky. The New England Patriots, who were rocked by the sudden positive test of Cam Newton last weekend, now have to deal with reigning NFL DPOY Stephon Gilmore testing positive as well. While the on-field impact of Gilmore’s potential absence may even be as big as Newton’s, there’s a much bigger issue at hand. Gilmore, who reportedly had dinner with Newton the night before the QB’s positive test, was seen hugging and talking to Pat Mahomes after the game against the Kansas City Chiefs. Apart from being the NFL’s biggest star (seriously how many fucking commercials did Mahomes take part in this offseason?), Mahomes has a pregnant fiancee. That is much more important than anything. Fortunately, he’s tested negative so far. But Mahomes and the Chiefs/Patriots are far from being out of the woods.

Then, unfortunately, my team is also getting in the coronavirus news, and not because Jon Gruden refuses to wear a goddamn mask properly (seriously how fucking hard is it?). Maurice Hurst tested positive for COVID-19, though the result didn’t mean the Las Vegas Raiders shut down team facilities for some reason. While there hasn’t been any chatter of the Raiders’ game against the aforementioned Chiefs being postponed, we still have several days before kickoff. This comes after several players — including Derek Carr, Jason Witten, and Foster Moreau — were fined tens of thousands of dollars for not wearing masks at a charity event held by Darren Waller, who himself was fined $30,000. Although the event was for charity, there was a clear lack of responsibility taken by the organizers and players in attendance to maintain social distancing and stay masked up. This is as inexcusable as anything the Titans did. 

Right now, the NFL is continuing on its “Super Bowl or bust” push. But the coronavirus problem and a clear lack of appreciation for the dangers of the virus is growing larger. MLB faced this exact problem and was eventually able to get around it, but I’m not sure the NFL can. They have to come through by throwing the fucking hammer on the Titans and making sure all over teams and players know to take this seriously or there will be consequences. Scaring everyone straight may be the only way this season can be saved.

Or, maybe the NFL can take some inspiration from leagues that have successfully completed their seasons.

The NHL suspended its season on March 12 and took more than two months to put together a finalized plan to resume play. Over a nearly two-month span, 24 teams were able to play out training camp. warm ups, play-in and seeding games, and full playoffs while staying inside “bubbles” inside two hub cities — Toronto and Edmonton (Canadian cities were picked pretty much because that country is actually taking the pandemic seriously). Only players, coaches, and essential staff were allowed inside. Anyone who made physical contact with the outside world had to self-isolate for 15 days. Players and teams took this seriously, stayed safe, and sucked it up for a couple of months. In total, the league administered more than 33,000 coronavirus tests — none came back positive. Thus, the NHL became not only the first major U.S. sports league to resume play, but to finish the season and crown a champion. 

In what will likely be the last Stanley Cup Finals played at the home of the Oilers for a long time, the Tampa Bay Lightning outlasted the Dallas Stars to win the Stanley Cup. Fun fact: this Finals matchup was the southernmost geographically when it came to the two teams (Dallas, TX and Tampa, FL). Despite that, it was played in Edmonton, the northernmost city in the NHL. 2020, man. Anyway, the Lightning’s victory shouldn’t have come as a shock to anyone — Tampa Bay has been one of the best teams in the league for years. Over the previous six seasons, the Lightning have made the playoffs five times, winning the Atlantic Division twice, reaching the Eastern Conference Finals three times, and making the Stanley Cup Finals in 2015 (they lost to the Chicago Blackhawks — you’re welcome, Ewing). But all that success had yet to bring home any hardware, coming up short in the postseason. The most notable example was the 2018-19 season, when Tampa Bay finished with a whopping 128 points, becoming just the second team in NHL history to win 62 games and easily collecting the franchise’s first Presidents’ Trophy. But the Lightning’s season came to an abrupt end with arguably the biggest upset ever seen in the Stanley Cup playoffs, a first round sweep at the hands of the Columbus Blue Jackets, the only franchise at the time to have never won a playoff series. Thus, they became the first team to win the Presidents’ Trophy and fail to win a single postseason game.

Do you remember the story of Virginia, the great college basketball regular season dynasty and guaranteed NCAA Tournament failure? In 2018, the top overall seed Cavaliers fell to UMBC, becoming the first No. 1 seed ever to lose to a No. 16 seed and completely fucking up my bracket in the process. They then proceeded to immediately redeem themselves the following year, winning the NCAA title and fucking me out of nearly $300 in bracket contest prizes (side note: fuck Virginia). Well, the same thing basically happened with the Lightning this year. After their historic playoff choke last year, Tampa Bay went on a revenge tour, which began with a rematch against the Blue Jackets in the first round. After exercising some demons winning a 5OT Game 1 and eventually eliminating Columbus, the Lightning then dispatched the defending Eastern Conference champion Boston Bruins in the next round. After getting past the tough and gritty New York Islanders in the conference finals, they capitalized on key mistakes by the Stars to win the franchise’s second Stanley Cup.

To pay tribute to their long-awaited and well-deserved triumph (and because I never get to do hockey-themed newsletters), let’s honor the Tampa Bay Lightning, the first champions of the post-pandemic sports age. Of course, the NHL isn’t the only league that adopted a bubble format to finish the season. The NBA is nearly done with its playoffs in Orlando, so I get to honor that champion in next week’s newsletter. I haven’t looked at the standings since the Sacramento Kings were predictably eliminated from playoff contention, so I wonder who’s in the Finals…

… oh no.

MIAMI FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING DECENT IN THIS UNIVERSE PLEASE MAKE A COMEBACK!!!

(cue theme music)

BTW this is the Lightning’s official goal music.

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (4-0) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-2)

126.32 – 116.68

In what was the only matchup decided by fewer than ten points that wasn’t total dogshit, 49ers held on to remain undefeated thanks to what some would call a lucky break. This doesn’t mean Gee didn’t perform well — only two players (Tyler Higbee and Greg Zuerlein) finished with single digits. Josh Allen (25 points) continued his torrid pace. Adam Thielen (18 points), Mike Davis (17 points), and Allen Robinson (16 points) provided great contributions. Tyreek Hill (12 points) provided enough Monday Night contributions to allow Gee to hang on for the win. Despite early bombs from Dalvin Cook (26 points) and Mike Evans (18 points), as well as a late push from Aaron Rodgers (29 points), Footballdamus fell short of the victory. But there’s one glaring spot on Riez’s lineup — defense. Due to the Tennessee Titans catching COVID-19, the Steelers defense was put on an early bye. Riez did have a backup defense, but it was the Cowboys, which might be the worst defense in football. It would’ve been a 12-point loss had they been in there.

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-3) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (2-2)

140.76 – 123.94

After coming achingly close to win No. 1 last time, Dixie Normous would not be denied again. Nick got a pair of massive outputs and a clutch Monday night effort to earn his first victory of 2020. The second half proved to be extremely beneficial, as Joe Mixon (36 points) and Tom Brady (33 points) provided Nick a ton of points early. While Nick definitely had the bigger contributions, Chriss had the overall more solid output, with only three players finishing in single digits. Chris Carson (22 points), CeeDee Lamb (20 points), Mark Andrews (17 points), and Jerick McKinnon (15 points) all had excellent efforts, but C’s New Champ Team might’ve been done in by a mediocre performance by Drew Brees (16 points). A normal point total would’ve widened the gap Chriss had over Nick going into Monday Night (instead of it being just a point), but it still might not have mattered. That’s because Todd Gurley (18 points) had his best game of the season, easily putting Nick over the top and into the win column for the first time. 

JOP SUEY!!! (3-1) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (1-3)

140.82 – 120.28

How pissed off must Arik be? Nearly a third of the way through the regular season, the top scoring team in the league (Darth Raider) has by far the most points scored against and is currently out of a playoff spot. This is why I created the Free Beer prize. Once again, Arik came up short despite another strong offensive output, including huge games from Dak Prescott (38 points) and Amari Cooper (22 points. Unfortunately, Nick Chubb’s injury limited his production and potentially changed how the Browns targeted Odell Beckham (33 points). Unfortunately for Arik, OBJ is on Taylor’s roster, as is Kyler Murray (23 points), Melvin Gordon (23 points), and Alvin Kamara (17 points). Unlike their opponent, Jop Suey!!! got some good fortune from what happened over the weekend, seeing the real life 49ers lose to benefit their Eagles defense (18 points). Taylor may have had more “bust” players, but his “boom” players far exceeded the production of Arik’s best guys. Maybe Arik will have better luck this week? Maybe?

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-4)

108.90 – 76.82

Now you see why I’ve been bitching about my early season injuries. Orchids of Asia got ONE of its THREE injured stars back, and look what happened. George Kittle (25 points) had the second-highest output of any player in this matchup, even more than the superstar QBs who highlighted the rosters. Lamar Jackson (26 points) did bounce back well for Three Eyed Ravens and both Devin Singletary (13 points) and Stefon Diggs (11 points) predictably torched the Raiders. But apart from that, the rest of Ewing’s lineup was pathetic, particularly Julio Jones, Logan Thomas, and Darrell Henderson. Darius Leonard getting hurt also didn’t help things. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson (21 points) had by far his lowest output all season and Marvin Jones gave me a big fat goose egg. But unexpectedly solid days from my RBs (Mark Ingram and D’Andre Swift), along with a pair of 13-point efforts from Daniel Carlson and Lavonte David, gave me more than enough cushion to achieve one of my main goals going into this season: kick Ewing’s ass.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (4-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-2)

70.40 – 65.10

What we have just witnessed is one of the most insanely idiotic fantasy football matchups I’ve ever seen. At no point in the rambling, incoherent showdown between Gruden Grinders and EKEing Out The Win did either team put forth anything that could even be considered a rational attempt at playing successful football. Everyone in this league is now worse at fantasy football for having witnessed this complete and utter pathetic display. Only four players between Kyle and Jimmy’s rosters put up double digits, with two managing more than 15 points and one (Deshaun Watson) getting above the 20-point mark. Twice as many players finished with fewer than five points total. The highest-scoring players on each roster (Carson Wentz and Robert Tonyan) were left watching this putrid performance from the bench. I cannot fucking believe I’ve lost to both of these teams, both of which finished with a lower point total than I had when I was defeated by them. I wish I could award losses to both of you. May God have mercy on your souls.

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-1) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-4)

71.84 – 56.00

What we have just witnessed is one of the most — fuck I can’t make this same joke twice, as much as this matchup deserves the Billy Madison treatment as well. While both Sleeping Giants and the Krispy Kritters should be ridiculed for what they put forth, both teams technically have some excuses for being that bad. For Richard, either the same technological problems and/or stubbornness persist, because how else do you explain Saquon Barkley, Le’Veon Bell, and Jamal Agnew still being in the lineup? Had Richard been able to or felt like switching Matt Stafford, Damien Harris, and Emmanuel Sanders into the lineup, he would’ve actually, genuinely won a fantasy football game. But Dad gets to avoid that fate by sheer luck. Sure, his lineup is filled with injuries (his bench only put up three points combined). Still, a goose egg from Calvin Ridley capped off a pathetic offensive display from everyone not named Pat Mahomes and Kenny Golladay. But hey, at least you’ve finally matched your total win output from last season!

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (4-0)
2. EKEing Out The Win (4-0)
3. Jop Suey!!! (3-1)
4. Sleeping Giants (3-1)
5. Footballdamus (2-2)
6. C’s New Champ Team (2-2)
7. Gruden Grinders (2-2)
8. Orchids of Asia (2-2)
9. Darth Raider (1-3)
10. Dixie Normous (1-3)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (0-4)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-4)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Darth Raider (505.30)
2. 49ers (503.74)
3. Jop Suey!!! (499.46)
4. Footballdamus (490.46)
5. Dixie Normous (433.88)
6. C’s New Champ Team (422.04)
7. Sleeping Giants (421.76)
8. Gruden Grinders (401.38)
9. Orchids of Asia (401.10)
10. EKEing Out The Win (393.48)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (372.06)
12. The Krispy Kritters (336.34)

THE FIRST FIRING

Has anyone had a more miserable past nine months than Houston Texans fans? 

After making a great comeback (capped off by a miracle play by Deshaun Watson) to beat the Buffalo Bills in the Wild Card round, the Texans incredibly found themselves up 24-0 in the 2nd quarter against the Kansas City Chiefs in the Divisional Round. I wouldn’t wish what happened since then on my worst enemy. Houston, of course, blew that lead before halftime thanks to more than one questionable coaching decision en route to being outscored 51-7 to end the game. Texans ownership then decided it would be a good idea to let the coach in charge of the worst blown lead since The Comeback also be the team’s general manager. That coach GM then traded arguably the best WR in the game (DeAndre Hopkins) to the Arizona Cardinals, not getting a 1st round pick but one of the worst contracts in football (David Johnson) in return (although maybe the Texans’ owner had more to do with that than we realized). Because of a trade for Kenny Stills and Laremy Tunsil, Houston didn’t have a 1st round pick in the 2020 Draft. Still, they were able to sign Deshaun Watson to the second-most expensive contract in NFL history. All of this in some way contributed to the Texans starting the season 0-4, though three of those losses came against three of the top teams in the league.

So while Bill O’Brien’s firing is not exactly undeserved, it’s still somewhat surprising. While O’Brien’s decision making has been terrible both on and off the field, this is the guy you committed to as GM. Getting rid of the guy you allowed to make so many widespread changes to the organization only four games into the season doesn’t seem like a smart move, with regards to the team’s structure both before and after the season. Sure, the Texans are 0-4. But three of those losses came against the Chiefs, Baltimore Ravens, and Pittsburgh Steelers — not exactly bottom feeders. Surely even O’Brien deserved a longer leash than that. If you were that unsure about him, why even let him coach at all? Don’t get me wrong — O’Brien deserved to be fired at some point (maybe J.J. Watt hurried up the process in practice). But four games seems a little harsh, especially since you can definitely make the argument that other coaches were more deserving of the axe.

The shiny, smelly turd on top of the pile of coaching mediocrity is Adam Gase, whose decision making has arguably ruined the franchise QB and overall turned the New York Jets into an even bigger dumpster fire than usual. Maybe his record with the Miami Dolphins and players like Ryan Tannehill and Kenyan Drake showing major improvement since they left his team should’ve been clues as to not give Gase a second chance. There’s also Matt Patricia, who took a team disappointed with finishing 9-7 and turned it into a perennial Top 5 pick machine and master of blowing 10-point leads. Speaking of blowing leads, I’m shocked Dan Quinn still has a job. Vic Fangio, Zac Taylor, and Matt Nagy haven’t shown much, while Joe Judge and Mike McCarthy haven’t exactly done a great job in their first year in charge of their teams. Yet it was O’Brien who became the first head coach to be given the pink slip this season.

But if you think O’Brien’s firing solves Houston’s problems, think again. The Texans remain 0-4 but are now without a full-time head coach and GM. Watson’s contract will continue to hamper the team with regards to cap space and free agency. The draft won’t provide an immediate fix, because the Miami Dolphins own the Texans’ 1st and 2nd round picks in 2021 thanks to the Stills/Tunsil trade. 

If you know a Texans fan, check in on them. Between the Texans and the Las Vegas Aces getting smacked in the WNBA Finals, Shea Serrano doesn’t deserve this shit. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Is… is it finally happening? After years of memes and misfortune, do the Cleveland Browns finally have hope for turning their franchise around.

After the Browns got blown out by the Baltimore Ravens in Week 1, we assumed it would be the same old story. But then Cleveland’s offense suddenly woke up, scoring at a rate not seen since before the NFL-AFL merger. Granted, their last three opponents have been the terrible Cincinnati Bengals, the chaotic Washington Football Team, and the Dallas Cowboys (more on them in a bit). But you’d also typically throw the Browns in there with those bad teams in most years. These are the kinds of teams any aspiring squad should easily beat, which Cleveland is doing. 

Given the history of the Browns, it’s less than certain this good fortune will last. Cleveland’s next two contests are against two tough defenses (the Indianapolis Colts and Pittsburgh Steelers). But with three wins already in the bank, some of the Browns’ remaining opponents are the Bengals (again), Houston Texans, Philadelphia Eagles, Jacksonville Jaguars, New York Giants, and New York Jets. That alone would give Cleveland nine wins, which could be enough for a playoff spot in this new expanded format. Any other upsets would put them deep in playoff contention (I’m not nervous about  Week 8 — not at all). 

While the Browns being 3-1 certainly is a surprise, the Cowboys being 1-3 may be an even bigger one. Dallas came into this season with huge expectations under Mike McCarthy. Their offense certainly has showed up, with Dak Prescott putting up absolutely insane numbers. Granted, a good amount of those stats have come while the Cowboys have trailed by at least two scores, which is a lot of the time considering Dallas’ defense has been absolute trash. In their past three games, the Cowboys have given up 39, 38, and 49 points. These games have still been close because Prescott and the Cowboys offense are taking advantage of teams taking their foot off the gas when being up by like 20 points. 

Dallas is one Atlanta Falcons special team fuck up from being 0-4, yet is still in the playoff race. That’s because the NFC East is a tire fire the likes of which most football seasons have never seen. The injured to hell Eagles are in first place at 1-2-1, with their one win being a huge upset against the equally injured San Francisco 49ers. Washington is a trashy enigma dealing with forces greater than the players on the field. The Giants are the reverse Cowboys — surprisingly good defense let down by a putrid offense. One of these teams will get to play in the postseason. It’ll probably be the Eagles.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Goddamn it we could’ve won that one.

I don’t know where I suddenly got expectations for the Raiders. Maybe it was because Las Vegas started 2-0 and looked competitive against New England until the wheels fell off. Maybe it’s simply the optimism I have failed to beat into submission boiling up to the surface. But this game, as close as it was, gave me reasons to not have much more optimism.

There are two areas that cost the Raiders the win on Sunday. The first, most clearly, is defense. I know there have been injuries aplenty, but holy lord is the defense terrible. Through four games, Las Vegas has given up at least 30 points three times, surrendering 24 in the other game. Part of this is because the Raiders simply cannot generate pressure on the QB. That leaves the already vulnerable secondary even more exposed. I don’t think the secondary (minus guys like Erik Harris) are complete trash. Plus, Damon Arnette was injured and unable to play Sunday. But better defensive coordinators than Paul Guenther have done more with less in the past. Guenther’s seat has to be getting hotter as the dumpster fire keeps growing.

The second area that cost the Raiders was mistakes. During the wins, Las Vegas kept things mostly penalty-free and limited turnovers. That has not happened over the past two weeks. Darren Waller’s fumble killed major momentum in the second half, while Derek Carr, after doing whatever the fuck this was, fumbling late in the game killed any realistic hopes the Raiders had of winning. Penalties also didn’t help with the whole momentum killing, especially that bullshit unnecessary roughness call on Josh Jacobs one play before Carr’s fumble. Give plenty of credit to the Buffalo Bills defense here. They made the key plays and minimized mistakes, while Las Vegas did the exact opposite.

So who does the depleted defense and suddenly mistake-prone offense face next?

The Kansas City Chiefs. At Arrowhead Stadium.
Like I said earlier, the Raiders are halfway through their stretch from hell. It’s highly likely that the next two games will be losses, which won’t necessarily be something to be ashamed about. The back half of the season is laughably easy on paper. But a rough early stretch means the Raiders will have to play lights out down the stretch, which is something I’m not at all confident in. Any sort of positives the team can take from this rough patch are needed, which makes seeing this winnable game slip through the Raiders’ hands all the more painful.
But at least there was one positive, I think.

THE REAL CARR VALUE

It didn’t happen on a game-winning play, or cap a remarkable rally, or even put the finishing touch on a dominant victory. Instead, it was the last desperate gasp in a failed comeback attempt. Nevertheless, it happened, bringing change to Raiders history.

With around 90 seconds left in Sunday’s game, Derek Carr found Nelson Agholor on 4th down for a seven-yard TD. That was the 151st TD pass of Carr’s career, giving him more than any QB in Oakland/Los Angeles/Las Vegas Raiders history. Carr had come into the weekend one TD behind Ken Stabler and one ahead of Daryle Lamonica, two of the greatest QBs ever to wear the Silver and Black. Carr is also creeping closer to the 160 mark, which would double the amount Jim Plunkett put up as a Raider The passing TD record is Carr’s latest conquest of Raiders records, having already gotten to the top in categories such as passing yards, completions, and completion percentage (minimum ten starts). While Carr also has by far the most passing attempts in Raiders history, he also has the lowest INT percentage, with only Rich Gannon in the same stratosphere. Statistically, you can make an argument Carr is the greatest QB to ever suit up for the Silver and Black.

That argument, of course, has about as much merit as Adam Gase being the best coach in the history of the AFC East. 

Now, let’s not pretend the Raiders have complete and utter QB royalty. I love Stabler, but he and Lamonica were the epitome of “fuck it, chuck it deep” before Rex Grossman even thought of playing QB. Stabler finished with nearly as many INTs as TDs and a completion percentage below 60%. Plunkett did have more INTs than TDs. Gannon’s greatest success is tainted by laying the biggest egg ever in Super Bowl XXXVII and falling off a cliff afterwards. Hell, other members of the Raiders’ Top 10 passing TD list include names like Marc Wilson, Kerry Collins, Jeff Hostetler, and Jay Schroeder. But some of those stats can be deceiving. There’s no pretending that the NFL hasn’t transitioned into a pass-happy league, with a much greater emphasis on throwing the ball and rules limiting what defenses can do. It’s like the NBA’s increase in scoring and three-point shooting and MLB’s growing love affair with home runs. 

But even in this emphasis on offense, Carr has struggled to thrive. It didn’t used to be this way, with Carr fucking slinging the ball in 2015 and 2016. But then Carr broke his leg and seemingly broke his deep throwing ability. While his yards per completion rate has barely gone down, a lot of Carr’s throws have been checkdowns or short tosses with plenty of YAC. Carr has also developed an annoying tendency to give up on the play and throw the ball away too quickly. It’s part of his game plan to not make mistakes. While it’s led to incredibly low INT rates, it also means the big play threat is diminished. Of the Raiders’ Top 5 passers, Carr has the lowest TD percentage on throws and is the only one with fewer than seven yards on their average pass attempt. Now compare Carr’s stats to other young QBs who have thrived in today’s pass happy NFL, including Pat Mahomes, who has already reached more than half of Carr’s passing TD total (not counting his rushing TDs) in one third of the total games played. There’s also the whole fumbling problem, which has cost the Raiders in multiple games. Carr even has more fumbles this year than Daniel Jones.

So considering all of this, where does Carr rank among the greatest passers in Raiders history? Personally, I put him one place lower than his jersey number, with the whole Top 5 as follows:

1. Ken Stabler

2. Jim Plunkett

3. Rich Gannon

4. Daryle Lamonica

5. Derek Carr

This isn’t meant as a dig at Carr or necessarily to praise him. As mentioned earlier, the Raiders’ QB is definitely notable, though without the one big all-timer that franchises such as the New England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers, Green Bay Packers, or Indianapolis Colts have. It didn’t take a herculean effort to put his name atop the Raiders record books, but give Carr credit for playing well enough to do so. But to really become Silver and Black royalty, you need to win. All four other QBs made at least one Super Bowl. Two of them won it. Three also won a league MVP award. Sure, you can make the argument Carr has never had as good of a team around him as those four (of course I also think about what could’ve been for the 2016 team and cry). But Stabler, Plunkett, Gannon, and Lamonica had that x-factor, an ability to bring his team back into a game, no matter how badly they had been playing. I haven’t seen that same ability from Carr since his broken leg.

Also, it’s far from a certainty that Carr will be back as Raiders starter next year. Unless Las Vegas makes the playoffs or comes damn close, Carr’s job is far from secure. Hell, I had the Raiders taking Jordan Love in the spot they used to pick Damon Arnette. Sure, we got to make fun of the Packers for picking Love, but that doesn’t mean the Silver and Black won’t take a flier on a particular prospect. That’s something you shouldn’t say about a supposed franchise QB entering what should be the prime of his career. 

Please Carr, prove me wrong.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 8, 2018, the NFL’s current passing king claimed his throne. Heading into a Monday Night Football matchup against the Washington Redskins, Drew Brees was just 201 yards behind Peyton Manning for the most passing yards in NFL history. Manning had retired three years earlier, leaving behind a mark of 71,940 regular season passing yards for a career. But Brees’ stat padding ass was hot on his trail, closing the gap and setting up a historic night in the Superdome. Brees, who only needed just over 200 yards to break Manning’s record, had 250 at halftime. A pair of 20+ yard completions on the first drive was followed by a lengthy drive that saw Brees complete his first TD pass of the night, to Josh Hill. On the Saints’ third drive of the night, Brees hit Cameron Meredith for a 46-yard gain to set his team up for an easy score. After New Orleans went up 20-6, Washington went three and out, giving Brees back the ball with just over two minutes left in the half and just over 30 yards short of the record. It took Brees one play to take the crown, connecting with Tre’Quan Smith for a 62-yard TD and first place on the all-time passing list. The game was briefly stopped as Brees took off his helmet to salute the crowd, hug his family (who were on the sidelines), and give the game ball to Pro Football HOF president David Baker. The Saints completed the memorable evening with a 43-19 victory, with Brees going 26/29 for 363 yards and three TDs, even catching a deflected pass for his eighth career reception. While he has a long time to go to reach that particular record, Brees has been able to extend his passing yardage mark to over 78,000, though Tom Brady is lurking less than 3,000 yards behind. It’s worth noting that if playoff yards were included, Brady would be the leader with over 86,000 yards, more than 3,000 ahead of Brees. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2018 — Brock Holt becomes the first player to hit for the cycle in MLB postseason history, as the Boston Red Sox defeat the yankees 16-1 in Game 3 of the ALDS, their largest playoff loss ever. Boston would, of course, go on to win the World Series.
• 2001 — President George W. Bush announces the establishment of the Office of Homeland Security.
• 1995 — Edgar Martinez hits a game-winning double as the Mariners eliminate the yankees in Game 5 of the ALDS, which effectively saved baseball in Seattle.
• 1982 — Cats opens on Broadway, beginning a run of nearly 18 years.
• 1974 — Franklin National Bank collapses in what was the largest bank failure in U.S. history at the time.
• 1956 — Don Larsen pitches the only perfect game in World Series history.
• 1944 — Captain Bobbie Brown plays a crucial role during the Battle of Crucifix Hill in World War II, for which he receives the Medal of Honor.
• 1939 — Western Poland is annexed by Germany in World War II.
• 1921 — Pittsburgh defeats West Virginia 21-13 in the first live radio broadcasted college football game.
• 1918 — Corporal Alvin York kills 28 German soldiers and captures 132 more (for which he received the Medal of Honor) during World War I.
• 1871 — The Peshtigo Fire (the deadliest wildfire in recorded history), the Great Chicago Fire (one of the most notable fires in history), and the Great Michigan Fire all break out on the same day.
• 1828 — Stephenson’s Rocket wins the Rainhill Trials, a major moment in the early history of locomotives.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1985 — Peter Gene Hernandez, Grammy-winning singer better known as Bruno Mars.
• 1983 — Travis Pastrana, motorsports competitor and extreme sports icon.
• 1970 — Matt Damon, actor best known for… a lot of goddamn things.
• 1960 — Reed Hastings, co-founder and CEO of Netflix.
• 1955 — Darrell Hammond, actor best known for his time on Saturday Night Live.
• 1950 — Robert “Kool” Bell, musician and co-founder of Kool & the Gang.
• 1949 — Sigourney Weaver, actress best known for her iconic science fiction film roles.
• 1943 — R.L. Stine, author best known for the Goosebumps series of children’s books.
• 1941 — Jesse Jackson, civil rights activist and minister.
• 1939 — Paul Hogan, actor best known as Michael “Crocodile” Dundee in the Crocodile Dundee film series.
• 1938 — Walter Gretzky, hockey coach who had a kid named Wayne.
• 1920 — Frank Herbert, author best known for the iconic science fiction novel Dune and its five sequels.

DEATHS:

• 1869 — Franklin Pierce, 14th President.
• 1793 — John Hancock, Governor of Massachusetts and President of the Continental Congress best known for his large signature on the Declaration of Independence.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Fluffernutter Day! Fluffernutters are peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches, which sounds like the most fatass white trash yet delicious combination of spreads. I’ve never heard of a fluffernutter before this, but I had to put it in because the word “fluffernutter” is hilarious and a prime candidate for the “most dirty-sounding word that’s actually innocent” award.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

JAILERS FACE CRUELTY CHARGES FOR ALLEGEDLY MAKING INMATES LISTEN TO ‘BABY SHARK’ ON LOOP

OKLAHOMA COUNTY, Okla. – Any parent would agree — being forced to listen to the viral children’s song “Baby Shark” countless times, on repeat, could be described as cruel and unusual punishment. Now, two ex-jail guards and their supervisor have been charged with several crimes for allegedly subjecting some prisoners to that exact punishment.

Christian Miles and Greg Butler Jr., who were formerly employed at Oklahoma County Detention Center in Oklahoma City, were charged on Monday with misdemeanor offenses of cruelty to prisoners, corporal punishment to an inmate and conspiracy, for allegedly making inmates listen to hours upon hours of “Baby Shark.”

According to probable cause affidavits obtained and reported on by BuzzFeed, Miles and Butler left four inmates in a room on various occasions in November and December 2019 while “Baby Shark” played loudly. The men were ordered to stand with their hands cuffed behind them and attached to a wall, and at least two of the men were subjected to the “inhumane” treatment for two hours straight.

The affidavits claim that Miles and Butler turned the song on as a “joke” and that the overall incident was meant to “teach the inmates a lesson” following their disorderly conduct. However, investigators argued that they put “[‘Baby Shark’] on a loop to play repetitively aloud…thus putting undue emotional stress on the inmates who were most likely already suffering from physical stressors.”

READ MORE

It’s official: listening to “Baby Shark” more than once is a form of torture.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MEMORABLE STANLEY CUP CELEBRATIONS

After being trapped in the bubble for several months, the Tampa Bay Lightning emerged with the Stanley Cup and went into party mode once they got back into the real world. The team turned the traditional parade through the city into the smallest, happiest navy ever, with players and coaches showing off trophies on boats and jet skis while riding on the Hillsborough River and the Tampa Bay itself. It was a total Florida move and honestly pretty cool. One could say the Lightning took to the water to keep their social distance and encourage fans to do the same. You’d be wrong, as not only did players and coaches not wear masks, but the team also hosted a gathering where fans were allowed to drink from the Cup. In the age of COVID-19, this is a big no-no. Despite the Lightning technically not breaking any laws due to Florida going YOLO and eliminating all coronavirus restrictions, the NHL still admonished Tampa Bay for the event.

While you might (rightfully and correctly) think the Lightning’s decision is crazy, this doesn’t even cover the tip of the iceberg of hockey celebrations. The Stanley Cup is not only the largest and heaviest trophy in major U.S. professional sports, but is also unique in that it’s not kept forever by the winning team. While NFL, NBA, MLB, and MLS champions get to put their trophy in a case (with another being made for the next season), the Stanley Cup is the only one in existence. It’s THE Stanley Cup. That doesn’t diminish any celebrations, especially because every member (player, coach, staff member) of the championship team is entitled to one day with the Cup, getting to take it wherever and do whatever they want with it. Given that the Stanley Cup has been awarded for more than 100 years, this trophy has seen some shit. Here are some of the most memorable, famous, and infamous celebration stories.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE PRICE TO PAY

It takes everything to win the Stanley Cup, and a lot of money to cover the celebrations after that. Example: after their 2011 victory, the Boston Bruins racked up an astounding $156,679.74 bar tab. Here’s the receipt. The massive tally includes a $100K bottle of champagne, 136 Bud Lights, 35 Jager Bombs, 67 Fiji waters, and my personal favorite item — one bottle of Corona at $6. 

HONORABLE MENTION: HORSING AROUND

I’m not sure what it is with New York teams, animal food, and the Stanley Cup, but they’ve seen the most notable four-legged meal incidents. First was Clark Gillies who, after winning with the Islanders in 1980, let his dog eat from the Cup. Then in 1994, several Rangers players took the Cup to Belmont Park, filled it with oats, and let Kentucky Derby winner Go for Gin eat from it. 

10. FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Phil Kessel has been one of the biggest meme players in hockey, partly because he looks like a cross between Didion’s Michael Cohen and Ham from The Sandlot and partly because he’s had weight issues across his career. After being traded from the Maple Leafs to the Penguins, members of the Toronto media reported Kessel liked to snack on hot dogs. When Pittsburgh won it all in 2017, Kessel brought the Stanley Cup to the golf course, at one point using it as a hot dog holder. This all led to the creation of arguably the greatest player card in hockey history.

9. UNEXPECTED DENTIST APPOINTMENT

One of the greatest hockey players of all time, Maurice Richard won eight Stanley Cups during his illustrious career. But after the Montreal Canadiens won the title in 1957 (their second of five straight championships), the Cup decided to bite back at The Rocket. When Richard went to take a drink from the Cup, he somehow chipped both of his front teeth on the bowl. Considering the damage done to the Cup by players before and after Richard (which will be detailed on this list), I think it’s fair to let it have some revenge against the happy players who managed to win it.

8. NO CUP LEFT BEHIND

33 years before Richard lost part of his teeth, his future team lost the Stanley Cup, literally. The Canadiens won the championship in 1924, clinching the Cup at a game in Ottawa. They decided to drive back to Montreal to celebrate with the team owner, but the car carrying the cup got a flat tire. The players took the Cup out of the trunk to alleviate some of the car’s weight. Tire fixed, the players got back in and made it to Montreal. But when they got there, they realised they had left the Cup behind. They went back and incredibly found the Cup exactly where they put it.

7. OLD TIMEY SHENANIGANS

Even when hockey was in its infancy, Stanley Cup shenanigans were afoot. In 1905, a member of the Ottawa Senators attempted to dropkick the Cup across the Rideau Canal, an attempt that failed. The Cup was not plucked from the canal (which was frozen at the time) until the next day. One year later, members of the Montreal Wanderers accidentally left the Cup at a photographer’s studio. Week’s later, they discovered the photographer’s mother was using the Cup to plant geraniums. It sort of helped that the Cup was much smaller than its modern day version. 

6. MARK MESSIER VS. THE CUP

Mark Messier won six titles in his career. Each time he got his hands on the Stanley Cup, it seemed he was trying to inflict as much damage as possible. The most notable year was 1987, when Messier took the Cup to his favorite club in his hometown of St. Albert, Alberta and let fans drink out of it. The Cup was dinged up all over afterwards, but Messier had a backup plan. As he had done twice before and would do twice more, Messier took the Cup to a local auto repair shop, where it was fixed up before being flown back to the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto.  

5. TESTING ITS BUOYANCY

After Pittsburgh’s victory in 1991, Penguins players decided to test the Stanley Cup’s buoyancy by tossing it into Mario Lemieux’s pool. Turns out, it sinks to the bottom. No one told the Montreal Canadiens, who in 1993 celebrated by tossing the Cup into Patrick Roy’s pool. Same result. Perhaps wanting to warn future Cup winners with pools, the Lemieux pool incident became part of the title of a book about the crazy shit that goes on during Cup celebrations. No one told Dominik Hasek, as the Red Wings goalie tried the same thing after Detroit’s 2002 victory.

4. BAPTISMS & BATHROOM BREAKS

One surprisingly popular thing to put in the Stanley Cup? Babies. After the Colorado Avalanche won it all in 1996, Sylvain Lefebvre became the first person to have his child baptized in the Cup, which has happened multiple times since. It wasn’t exactly holy water in the Cup in 1964, when Red Kelly of the Toronto Maple Leafs picked his infant son up and discovered he had peed in the Cup. But Kris Draper’s newborn daughter topped them all in 2008, when she shat in the Cup. The Detroit Red Wings player thoroughly cleaned the Cup and even drank out of it afterwards. 

3. FROM CELEBRATION TO CURSE

1940 was a major year for the New York Rangers. Not only did they win the Stanley Cup, but the mortgage on Madison Square Garden was finally paid off. To celebrate, Rangers management burned the mortgage papers in the Cup, which many fans claimed “desecrated” the sacred trophy. Thus, the Curse of 1940 was born. It took 54 years for the Rangers to win another cup, during which time every single major sports team based in New York City, as well as every other Original Six NHL team and four post-1967 expansion teams, won at least one championship.

2. TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE?

Perhaps the infamous Stanley Cup celebration story depends on who you believe. In 1999, the Dallas Stars’ party was hosted at the home of defenceman Craig Ludwig and Pantera drummer Vinnie Paul. Guy Carbonneau allegedly attempted to throw the Cup from the upstairs deck into the Crown Royal-shaped pool below. Carbonneau’s throw was a bit short, with the Cup being dented on the lip of the pool. However, Mike Bolt, a Keeper of the Cup, claims none of this ever happened, and that the Cup was dented during a locker room celebration the day before. 

1. EVERYTHING ALEX OVECHKIN DID

After years of being one of the best players in the NHL and coming up short in the playoffs, Alex Ovechkin finally led the Washington Capitals to the Stanley Cup in 2018. All of Ovechkin’s pent up frustration was then released in the single greatest post-championship bender I have ever seen. The Cup seemingly didn’t leave Ovechkin’s side during the whole offseason, with the Russian Machine’s non-stop celebration even spilling into the streets of D.C. several times. A local TV station even put together a Top 10 list of just Ovechkin’s celebrations alone.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (4-0) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-1)

While Sleeping Giants may have finally reached last season’s win total, surpassing it may be a bit of a bigger challenge. Standing in front of that goal is the current top team in the league, 49ers, which are doing a hell of a lot better than the real Niners at bouncing back from a title game loss. But the Titans-Bills game is in jeopardy, potentially leaving both Josh Allen out of Gee’s lineup. Given Gee doesn’t have a backup QB and his backup RBs are non-starters, this could be a problem. What’s more, Adam Thielen and Allen Robinson are facing tough matchups. Gee may have to rely on Tyreek Hill, Mike Davis, Tyler Higbee, and the Rams defense for big points this week. Hill also provides a bonus of taking away from Dad’s biggest weapon, Pat Mahomes. Calvin Ridley is coming off a WTF week, David Montgomery and Zach Ertz are facing tough defenses, and the depleted 49ers defense is against a Dolphins squad that’s given a challenge to everyone they’ve played. Good news all around in this matchup. 

JOP SUEY!!! (3-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-2)

After getting fucked over by an unscheduled bye week last week, Footballdamus is now preparing for a morning pegging by the first anticipated bye week of the season. Riez is losing the services of Aaron Rodgers, with his only backup (of this writing) being Jimmy Garoppolo, who hasn’t been cleared to play. Riez also has to watch out for the Bills-Titans cancelation and the potential loss of John Brown. Given Dalvin Cook and Darren Waller are in tough matchups, Riez can’t afford too many bad breaks. Fortunately, DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Evans, David Johnson, and the Steelers defense shouldn’t have too much trouble putting up points this week. Unfortunately, any Hopkins points will get somewhat diluted by Kyler Murray being on the Jop Suey!!! Roster. That lineup also features the likes of Robert Woods, Alvin Kamara, T.J. Watt, and the Cardinals defense in juicy matchups. Taylor will also probably be the recipient of an unexpectedly good game or two from Odell Beckham, Melvin Gordon, or Mike Gesicki.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (2-2) VS. DARTH RAIDER (1-3)

After several weeks of unlucky results, Darth Raider is about ready to do what Darth Vader did to the rebel soldiers at the end of Rogue One to whoever’s in their path. Unfortunately for C’s New Champ Team, they’re in that slot. Chriss gets to face a lineup of Dak Prescott, Amari Cooper, Cooper Kupp, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, James White, Hunter Henry, D.K. Metcalf, and the Patriots defense, all of whom have tasty matchups. If you look closely, that’s mostly everyone Arik has ready to go. Oddly, as of this writing that does not include a K, although Jason Myers is on the bench. Anyway, to counter all of that potential offense, Chriss has the likes of Drew Brees, the Seahawks defense, Ezekiel Elliott, Chris Carson, Mark Andrews, CeeDee Lamb (which would counter points by Prescott for Arik), Justin Jefferson (which would hurt his own Seattle defense), and Kareem Hunt. On paper, that could be enough to take Arik down. But would the fantasy football gods really be that cruel to Arik again?

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-2) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-3)

Through the first two weeks of the season, I figured Dixie Normous would be one of the few easy wins on Orchids of Asia’s schedule. Now, I feel a foreboding sense of doom. Nick’s lineup has been steamrolling through opponents lately, unlucky to be just 1-1 in that time frame. That’s probably because Tom Brady has regained his old form, Keenan Allen and D.J. Chark have been their usual explosive selves, Todd Gurley has been in a resurgence, and the Colts defense may end up being one of the best in the entire NFL. While Nick has to contend with Joe Mixon facing the fearsome Ravens, he does have Ronald Jones and James Conner. As for me, I get to trot out a guess in Malcolm Brown and a hope that Mark Ingram gets some of Lamar Jackson’s carries. At least I can count on Russell Wilson and (surprisingly) Robbie Anderson to be consistent. I’ve also moved Brandon Aiyuk into the starting spot to compliment George Kittle. This should be good unless I lose my Bills defense due to coronavirus. Then I’m definitely fucked. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (0-4) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-2)

Perhaps no team could potentially be more fucked this week than Three Eyed Ravens. Ewing has already started out 0-4 with a loss to his best friend (hehehe), but now gets to lose the services of the Packers defense and Matt Prater due to the bye week. Plus, if the Bills-Titans game does get postponed, Ewing also loses out on Stefon Diggs and Devin Singletary. I’ve checked Ewing’s lineup and he does not have much else to pick from. Still, Lamar Jackson is always due for a boatload of points, especially against the hapless Bengals. Julio Jones, Darrell Henderson, Jonathan Taylor, and Logan Thomas might actually have to do something this week. At least one bit of good news (for Ewing anyway) is that he’s not the only one missing key talent due to a bye. Gruden Grinders will be without their most productive player: Aaron Jones. What’s more, some of Jimmy’s bigger contributors (Josh Jacobs, Hayden Hurts, the Bears defense) will be up against steep competition. At least Jimmy has Tyler Lockett and Jared Goff?

EKEING OUT THE WIN (4-0) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-4)

Unless something changes with the Krispy Kritters’ lineup/login ability or EKEing Out The Win has another catastrophic meltdown, this matchup between Kyle and Richard should be pretty set in stone. So instead, I’m going to talk about something else that’s completely different. I don’t know if you noticed, but I started going this last year as the season went on for matchups that didn’t really matter in terms of standings or simply weren’t interesting to me. I usually just went on rants about whatever the theme was that week, something I mentioned earlier, or a separate topic altogether. I imagine some may have felt slighted by this, but honestly if your team was managed better or didn’t suck as much, I wouldn’t struggle so much to write something about and have to resort to rambling on about something entirely different. Anyway, I’m going to bring this practice back this year when needed, limiting it to one matchup preview per week like it was last year. Anyway, here we go – oh fuck I’ve already run out of room.

ONE LAST THING

Nine years ago today, the Raiders lost the most important person who’s ever been affiliated with the Silver and Black. On October 8, 2011, Al Davis died from heart complications at the age of 82. To summarize the impact the only person who’s ever been a head coach, general manager, and league commissioner had on football, let alone the one organization he spent the vast majority of his career serving, would be a monumental task. Simply put, Al Davis was the Raiders. For better (the Super Bowl-winning era of the late 70’s and early 80’s) or worse (the late 00’s and early 10’s), Davis alone guided the Raiders’ football fate. For as much as he was (rightfully) criticized for some of his later decisions and for looking like the fucking crypt keeper, his pioneering legacy of success is one that quite frankly will never be matched by anyone.

The Raiders of Al Davis’ legacy are certainly different than the team his son, Mark, currently operates. To go from the definition of badass with the sunglasses and Silver and Black tracksuit to a guy with the worst haircut in football who openly brags about going to Hooters is definitely a rough transition. Yet Mark Davis replicating his dad’s decision-making in similar, yet different ways. While Al Davis moved the Raiders (twice) simply because he could, it was the financial lacking of both Mark Davis and the city of Oakland that saw the Raiders relocate to Las Vegas. Mark Davis has also dipped into the last of his father’s glory days in bringing back Jon Gruden as coach. He even took a page out of his dad’s playbook when the Raiders drafted the fast as fuck guy (Henry Ruggs) over the more proven, well-rounded alternatives (CeeDee Lamb and Jerry Jeudy). While we’re only in Year 1 of the Vegas era and many more from completing Mark Davis’ legacy, he’s got a hell of a way to go before he catches up to his dad. Of course, anyone would have a tough time matching what Al Davis did.

To the current Raiders, I have but one request. We are playing a hated rival who happens to be undefeated and at home this week. No one is giving us a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning on Sunday, and for good reason. But when has that ever stopped the Silver and Black before? As the calendar shifts well into October, there’s an Autumn Wind in the air, one that yearns for a team that pillages just for fun, that knocks people around and upside down and laughs when it’s conquered and won.

For Al Davis, I have one request: just win, baby.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness