Ruben's Writings

Sometimes, ideas for newsletter themes fall right into my lap (Fall Guys, Super Mario, Atlanta). A whole lot of other times, I have to do some work to think of a good idea, or even a serviceable one. Next week’s theme is an example of this. Last year’s ChalkZone theme for Week 15 might be the biggest stretch for a theme I’ve ever done, with theme ideas becoming more scarce as the season goes on. So whenever I can take advantage of a major event and create a theme around it, I go for it. 

Annual themes on holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas) are a given, as is a tribute to major sports champions. This is usually only good for one week, as the only top level sports league to crown a champion during our window of play is MLB (the usual World Series winner one should be coming two weeks from now). I know the MLS Cup is also awarded in our window, but honestly I don’t even give enough of a fuck about that to create a theme around it. Of course, doing a sports theme opens up the possibility of celebrating my favorite team’s success, like the over-the-top tomfoolery that happened after the Boston Red Sox won the 2018 World Series. Conversely, there’s the dreaded potential outcome of a team I hate winning a title, thus forcing me into an uncomfortable position. Fortunately as far as baseball goes, the yankees falling on their face in October (as they did this year) had kept me from this. But then 2020 and its bullshit happened.

Because of the pause and restart of sports leagues due to COVID-19, both the NHL and NBA championship series played out during our window. For me, that’s two extra themes covered! Last week was the NFL, with the Tampa Bay Lightning thankfully being a team I don’t hate and this could properly center a theme around. Unfortunately, this was not the case with basketball. Because of a variety of factors, including injured teams in their path (Trail Blazers, Rockets, Heat), genuine rivals choking in earlier rounds (Clippers, Bucks), and the NBA/referees making sure Kobe Bryant’s old team won after he died because of storylines/ratings, a certain team from Southern California that I don’t particularly care for claimed the championship. 

So for the first time with these newsletters, I am placed in an uncomfortable position. It would be hypocritical of me to completely ignore a theme for a major sports championship when literally every other champion crowned during our window has been honored. But it just so happens that the team in question is tied for my most hated sports franchise overall and was responsible for robbing my favorite franchise of a championship, causing my most traumatic loss of my entire sports fandom. This is truly an unenviable position to be in.

After a lengthy thought process, I came up with a decision. It was tough and the final outcome may be controversial to you members of the league. But simply put, it had to be done…

…..

………….

………

… FUCK THE LAKERS!!!!!

There is simply no way I can devote a single letter of praise to those entitled, spoiled, cheating, lucky, ugly, bitch ass yellow-wearing motherfuckers from Los Angeles. Fans of that team want to complain about their “title drought” that didn’t even last a decade and the “awful days” from the mid 2010’s where you missed the playoffs consistently for the only time in like 40 years? Get the fuck out of here! Go try being a fan of a team that hasn’t even been to the NBA Finals in almost seven decades or hasn’t even won anything in their history. That’s true misery. Those teams have true fans, not the bandwagoners who were big Heat and Warriors supporters not too long ago. Your rebuilding process is never long because you never have to try with free agents, as rich athletes like being in SoCal. The only reason LeBron James found success in the Western Conference is because Anthony Davis was traded to his team, but yellow and purple-wearing nut huggers will rush to claim he’s the GOAT even with a losing record in the Finals. Lebron will never surpass Michael Jordan’s legacy and be the greatest ever. Also yes, I said yellow, not gold. Don’t fucking pretend this shit is gold. That’s canary yellow at best. The New Orleans Saints have proper gold in their jerseys. So do the Vegas Golden Knights. Hell, even the Sacramento Kings’ gold jerseys from the 2000’s (quite possibly the worst uniforms in NBA history) were more gold than anything LA has worn. 

So no, there will be no tribute for the NBA champions. This will be the first time I’ve skipped the crowning of a major sports winner in a newsletter. For those of you who think I’m petty and hypocritical, or are lakers fans bitching that I’m not doing anything nice for their beloved team, I shall respond by quoting the immortal words of Conor McGregor.

But now that I’ve taken the moral high ground, I’m now left without a theme for this week. Or so you thought. To not be a complete ass, I’ll stick to a “basketball” theme, choosing something that makes me laugh instead of cry on the inside. It’s one big part of being a basketball fan that, also being a member of the TV industry, I appreciate even more than usual. It’s something that, due to broadcasting rights, has never itself made an appearance in the NBA Finals. But it deserves to go there more than Chris Paul, James Harden, and Russell Westbrook combined. I’m talking of course about Inside the NBA. 

Inside the NBA is, bar none, the best sports show on TV. Captained by “Elevator” Ernie Johnson, starring Charles Barkley, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and Shaquille O’Neal, and occasionally featuring the likes of Chris Webber, Grant Hill, and (for this past season) Draymond Green, the show features some of the best on-set chemistry of any small screen crew out there. Smith, with his point guard ways, dishes out perfect set-ups for Barkley (the most entertaining figure in the history of sports) and O’Neal (who takes everything to a whole new level). Johnson, one of the straight up best people on TV, always finds the right balance between steering the ship and contributing to the shenanigans. The incredibly creative and hilarious antics these guys have gotten into are the stuff of legends (I’ll be going through some of the funniest moments later) and are what most people remember the show for. But Inside the NBA can also be real and tackle the heavy stuff, touching on everything from Bryant’s death to the 2016 presidential election to the current racial justice movement. Of course, they can also deliver the meat and potatoes as well, providing in-depth, genuinely good basketball analysis.

Inside the NBA is the Top Gear/Grand Tour of sports shows. Me making that comparison alone should let you know just how fantastic it is. It’s time to go inside.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (5-0) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-2)

145.12 – 83.20

If you took the best of 49ers’ and Sleeping Giants’ rosters, you’d get a team that comes close to the league scoring record. Unfortunately for Dad, his only contribution is at QB. Pat Mahomes (31 points) was his usual self during an unusual Chiefs loss to the Raiders (oh you get there’s more on that later). But apart from that, Dad’s roster had as many double-digit efforts (Calvin Ridley and David Montgomery) as negative efforts (Diontae Johnson and the 49ers defense). Dad just didn’t have anything, though even if he brought a lot more Gee probably still would’ve won. While Josh Allen (19 points) looked like his 2019 self, there was plenty of support to make up for the lost QB points. Adam Thielen and Mike Davis each dropped 20-point bombs, with Davis being particularly upsetting to Dad given the whole Christian McCaffrey thing. Derrick Henry (18 points), Tyreek Hill (15 points), Greg Zuerlein (14 points), and the Rams defense (12 points) all piled on to deny Dad in his first effort to finally surpass his win total from all of last season.

JOP SUEY!!! (4-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-3)

105.12 – 102.98

In a matchup that could play a crucial role in playoff seeding, the thinnest margins of victory were more important than ever. Neither Jop Suey!!! or Footballdamus were at their best, which made things even more exciting. Both Taylor and Riez certainly had their ups and downs. Robert Woods (13 points) was solid for Taylor, while Alvin Kamara (somewhat disappointingly), Joey Slye, and Jerome Baker all put up 11 points. But down efforts from Deebo Samuel and Antonio Gibson dampened Taylor’s scoring output. As for Riez, Dalvin Cook (14 points), Will Lutz (15 points), and DeAndre Hopkins (19 points) shone brightly, while most of the rest of the lineup (Tyler Boyd aside) was solid if not spectacular. But at the end of the day, this came down to the most important position in football: QB. Kyler Murray (27 points) was his usual explosive self for Taylor. But with Aaron Rodgers on a bye, Riez had to go with Jimmy Garoppolo, who only put up a single point. Three more points and Riez would’ve won. Maybe if he had C.J. Beathard. 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-2) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (1-4)

122.10 – 80.14

And just like that, the offensive explosion Darth Raider has been known for suddenly vanishes. Granted, some of that was due to the horrific injury to Dak Prescott. But D.K. Metcalf (22 points) got as much production as Amari Cooper, Cooper Kupp, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and Duke Johnson combined. Hell, even a decent day from the Browns defense (13 points) went to waste thanks to the overall putrid output. But even if Arik had gotten his usual production, it still might not have been enough for the win. That’s because C’s New Champ Team had the only two productive Cowboys players — Ezekiel Elliott (22 points) and Amari Cooper (12 points). Chriss also got great days from Kareem Hunt (15 points) — a double blow for the whole Johnson thing — and Chris Carson (13 points), along with a decent effort from Drew Brees (22 points). But while Chriss gets to relax a bit, Arik can likely rest with the fact that this was a fluke. The high-powered offense will likely be back next week against… checks schedule… GOD DAMNIT!!!

DIXIE NORMOUS (2-3) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-3)

113.92 – 80.08

The good news for Orchids of Asia? A.J. Brown (14 points) finally returned and looked good on the field. Russell Wilson (25 points) rebounded from a terrible first half to remain his productive self. That’s pretty much it. Maybe if Jimmy Garoppolo could actually throw a fucking football, George Kittle and Brandon Aiyuk would’ve done a lot more. Maybe if the Bills defense actually shows up, I don’t lose four points for no reason. But at the end of the day Dixie Normous had a very good week, even if Tom Brady (14 points) was far from his usual self and D.J. Chark all but disappeared. Fortunately for Nick, Todd Gurley (21 points), Jonnu Smith (16 points), JAmes Conner (13 points), and Ronald Jones (12 points) had plenty to give to the effort. Nick, what’s it like to actually be able to rely on your RBs for consistent offensive output? Who would’ve thought I’d miss D’Andre Swift during his bye week? I really hope I don’t have any important players on a bye this week as well. See that? That, ladies and gentlemen, is called foreshadowing.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-5)

98.96 – 83.30

What exactly was Three Eyed Ravens’ game plan? Taking a page from The Krispy Kritters’ book, Ewing willingly left three open spots in his lineup. Julio Jones and Darius Leonard were hurt and Ewing — in a fashion Kyle would be proud of — said “fuck defense altogether.” Sure, adding some WRs and a defensive player with late notice may be difficult, but welcome to fantasy football. Plus, Ewing had the Cowboys defense, which would’ve given him nine points. Surely the rest of those positions could’ve made up the remaining six-point margin of victory by Gruden Grinders? Jimmy’s guys — particularly Hayden Hurst, Joshua Kelley, Tyler Lockett, and Juju Smith-Schuster — were overall lackluster. But Jared Goff (25 points), Josh Jacobs (20 points), and Henry Ruggs (17 points) provided enough support to give Jimmy the victory. The success of Jacobs and Ruggs had to feel extra good for Jimmy. But do you know the worst part for Ewing? He could’ve made up most of the deficit by starting Ryan Fitzpatrick (27 points) over Lamar Jackson (14 points).

EKEING OUT THE WIN (5-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-5)

116.66 – 99.24

There was a moment where it looked like the absent-managed Krispy Kritters could actually pull off the huge upset over EKEing Out The Win. Miles Sanders (21 points), Travis Kelce (16 points), and the Ravens defense (26 points) played well. Le’Veon Bell actually played. But ultimately a lackluster day from Matt Ryan and the whole leaving two goose eggs in his lineup thing fucked Richard’s chances up. Kyle’s old playoff demons — Deshaun Watson (27 points), D.J. Moore (15 points), Kenyan Drake (13 points) — helped out the likes of Marquise Brown (13 points), Will Fuller (12 points), and Zach Cunningham (13 points) to give him more than enough of a lead. One thing before I wrap up the recaps: let’s not make one team being a free win due to tech issues be a thing. Do you know what the hell you’re doing? Part of my job as commissioner is to help people out. Richard, I guarantee I can solve whatever bullshit you’re dealing with. I don’t mind you ensuring I don’t finish last, but don’t just give up your season. You could’ve won!

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (5-0)
2. EKEing Out The Win (5-0)
3. Jop Suey!!! (4-1)
4. C’s New Champ Team (3-2)
5. Sleeping Giants (3-2)
6. Gruden Grinders (3-2)
7. Footballdamus (2-3)
8. Dixie Normous (2-3)
9. Orchids of Asia (2-3)
10. Darth Raider (1-4)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (0-5)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-5)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (648.76)
2. Jop Suey!!! (604.68)
3. Footballdamus (593.44)
4. Darth Raider (585.44)
5. Dixie Normous (547.80)
6. C’s New Champ Team (544.14)
7. EKEing Out The Win (510.14)
8. Sleeping Giants (504.96)
9. Gruden Grinders (500.34)
10. Orchids of Asia (480.18)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (455.36)
12. The Krispy Kritters (435.58)

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

…….

…..

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

This is easily the most shocking Raiders win in the past decade. In fact, I haven’t been this 

(happily) surprised at a Raiders scoreline since the Silver and Black took the Denver Broncos behind the woodshed and dropped a 59-14 beatdown on their asses almost exactly ten years ago. Even then, I was more surprised at the margin of victory than the win itself.

The Chiefs had won 13 games in a row. The Raiders had not won in Kansas City since 2012 and had not hung up 40 points at Arrowhead Stadium since 2000. Pat Mahomes had not lost a game by more than seven points in his career. All of those things happened on Sunday.

In the early stages of the game, it certainly didn’t look like any of them would happen. At the end of the 1st quarter and the beginning of the 2nd quarter, there was a three-drive sequence where Derek Carr’s first INT of the season was sandwiched between two Kansas City TDs. The Chiefs were up 14-3 and it seemed they were about to run away with it. But then something happened. I don’t know if that INT snapped something in Carr’s mind, but for the rest of the game he went sicko mode. Carr abandoned all checkdown mindsets and started fucking chucking the ball, which resulted in three straight Raiders TDs — including a 72-yard bomb to Henry Ruggs.

After a 24-24 first half, I expected certain things to happen, including Kansas City to keep piling on the points. What I didn’t expect was the Las Vegas defense, which had predictably been gashed in the first half, saying “now we will try” and shutting out the most explosive offense in the league for the vast majority of the second half. The shocking inability of the Chiefs to sustain a drive led to the Kansas City defense (which had shut out the Raiders in the 3rd quarter) tiring out and the ground and pound attack of Josh Jacobs finally wearing them thin. When Jacobs punched in his second TD following a Mahomes INT (also, holy shit), I still wasn’t ready to believe Las Vegas could pull off the upset. Indeed, when the Chiefs went down the field to cut the deficit in half thanks to the Raiders prevent defense (I can’t believe I wrote those words in relation to a Raiders-Chiefs game), I thought the comeback was about to be on. But then Jon Gruden plopped his massive balls on the table, went for it on 4th and 1, and secured the win.

Of course, not everything was perfect (see the Raiders’ 3rd quarter offense and first half defense) and Las Vegas did get some breaks. Raiders sleeper agent Kelechi Osemele had a holding penalty that negated an early Chiefs TD. The same goes for a Travis Kelce pick penalty in the 2nd quarter. Johnathan Abram got away with pass interference and Sammy Watkins’ absence due to injury was detrimental to Kansas City’s offense in the second half. But to all of the bitching Chiefs fans, please direct any complaints to Mr. Suq Madiq at 1-800-382-5968.

The Raiders offense is officially legit. Not every team goes into Arrowhead Stadium and drops a 40-burger. Once that INT happened, Carr took off the ankle weights and remembered how to throw it deep. This is something I never thought I’d write: Derek Carr outplayed Pat Mahomes. This was unquestionably the best Carr has looked since his MVP candidate 2016 campaign. Fans have been begging for Carr, Gruden, and the rest of the offense to take risks, go for big plays, and reach its potential. With Ruggs as a deep threat and the likes of Darren Waller, Hunter Renfrow, and Jason Witten taking advantage of a more open middle of the field, Carr has the weapons to be the QB he can be. This was the first time I’ve seen Carr fully go ham and it was beautiful. I had my (justified) complaints about Carr in the last newsletter and even claimed there’s no guarantee he’ll be the starter next year. If Carr plays like he did today (along with Jacobs and the offensive line continuing to be a fucking powerhouse), that job will be secured for 2021 and other years to come.

The defense, as usual, had its problems and was dealing with several injuries. The first half was a half to forget, especially with the secondary being bailed out by penalties and no-calls (it feels weird as a Raiders fan to say that). But credit where credit is due — the defense made great second half adjustments and held the NFL’s most potent offense to just eight points and 115 yards (75 of which came on the final drive) over the final two quarters. Part of that was due to the defensive line FUCKING FINALLY getting pressure on the QB. This might’ve been Clelin Ferrell’s best game as a pro — he was constantly harassing Mahomes and stuffing the running game. In fact, pressure from Ferrell on a three-man rush contributed to the INT by Jeff Heath. Maxx Crosby went beast mode again, getting to Mahomes for a huge sack in the second half. Nick Kwiatkoski continues to show his leadership and prove his signing was bigger than we might’ve realized. I never thought I’d be proud of a unit that gave up 32 points (the second-most Las Vegas has allowed all year), but here we are.

This is the kind of statement win that can turn around a team’s fortunes and help a young group reach its potential. The key now is what happens next. The bye week is upon us, an opportunity to heal up, get more in-sync, and prepare for the big stretch. While the second half of the schedule is noticeably easier than the first, there is danger in the immediate future. Up next are Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers — we know that bastard is never an easy out. After that is the Cleveland Browns. What we thought might be an easy win has suddenly turned into a game where the Raiders might be the underdogs. Justin Herbert may be the newest permanent AFC West annoyance and push the LA Chargers up with him. Plus, the Chiefs will be ready for a rematch in just over a month. There’s plenty left to worry about in the near future.

Here’s the thing: I’m not as fearful anymore. I mean, we just kicked the Chiefs’ ass at Arrowhead. This was the best Raiders performance since our 2016 playoff campaign. Having seen the Silver and Black’s potential (at least on offense), I have — wait that can’t be right — confidence (????) in the team. I like Las Vegas’ chances in a shootout, which is what some of these games might come down to. I know the Raiders will probably unexpectedly struggle in the second half of the schedule (capped by a loss to the New York Jets for the second straight year) and fall short of the postseason again. I am always ready for the other shoe to drop. But something feels different this year. Is this… optimism and pride I’m feeling for the Raiders?

Yep, I’m ready to get hurt again.

A DAY OF TRIUMPH AND SORROW

Fate can often be mysterious — and cruel. How else do you explain one QB completing a miraculous comeback from injury on the same day another QB suffers his own horrific pain.

In case you haven’t been reading these newsletters or haven’t seen Project 11, Alex Smith’s gruesome leg break in 2018 was far from the worst part of his recovery. An infection led to a nearly fatal illness and almost resulted in Smith’s leg being amputated. Instead, a metric shit ton of muscle was removed from Smith’s leg, so much so that it resembled nearly de-meated chicken wing than an actual leg. Muscles from elsewhere in his body were transplanted to try to reform his leg, which looks more like a wooden club. The fact that Smith can walk again (and that he’s alive) is a fucking miracle. But Smith wasn’t satisfied — he rehabbed like a goddamn warrior and eventually got enough mobility and shape back to be put on Washington’s 53-man roster. 

If the story ended there, it would’ve still been a tremendous victory. But it didn’t — Washington starter Dwayne Haskins has been demoted due to poor play/attitude and is reportedly on the trading block. With Haskins being sick on Sunday, Smith was the backup QB. But late in the 2nd quarter, Kyle Allen was knocked from the game with a big hit, resulting in Smith — who two years ago nearly lost his leg and died — actually playing in an NFL game. Granted, Smith looked exactly like he hadn’t played in two years — he finished with exactly half as many passing yards as Allen. Plus, Washington’s offensive line was so putrid that Smith was sacked six times by the LA Rams, providing many nerve-wracking tests for Smith’s leg. But while battered, Smith was okay. I mentioned a few months ago that if Smith ever played another down in the NFL, it would be the greatest comeback story in NFL history. Not only do I stand by that belief, I guarantee Smith just locked up the Comeback Player of the Year award.

In any other week, Smith’s return to the field would be the biggest story. Unfortunately, this was not the case. In the 3rd quarter of the Dallas Cowboys’ game against the New York Giants, Dak Prescott suffered a compound fracture and dislocated ankle while being tackled. The replay of what happened is something I am in no way, shape, or form linking in here. Prescott’s ankle looked like Gordon Hayward’s after his injury. It was fucking brutal, especially with Prescott’s reaction as he was being carted off the field. The injury couldn’t have happened to a less-deserving player — Prescott is one of the best guys in the NFL and has already been dealing with the suicide of one of his brothers. Throwing this on him is just cruel. I don’t feel like going into details about how Prescott’s absence will impact the Cowboys on the field. The defense will continue to suck and Andy Dalton will still probably lead Dallas to a playoff berth because the NFC East is a dumpster fire.

But one thing I will talk about is Prescott’s future. Considering the severity of his injury and the long road to recovery, it’s unclear if Prescott will be able to play at his full level. As has been well documented over the past couple of offseasons, Prescott and the Cowboys haven’t been able to come to an agreement on a long term deal. Thus, Prescott was playing on a franchise tag, which deserves its own section on how it fucks over players (to be fair, Dallas offered him a lot of money and Prescott was asking for a metric shit ton of it). How does the injury impact Prescott’s financial future? Does Dallas offer him a reduced deal out of caution and risk being thought of as the ultimate assholes? Will another team even be willing to pay him close to what the Cowboys offered? Even with some of the more… exuberant QB contracts out there, it’s tough to imagine Prescott will get the ultra mega deal he’s been seeking. It’s a shame, because he was balling the fuck out and looking worthy of such a contract. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Are the Pittsburgh Steelers a legit Super Bowl contender? Their defense — one of the best in the NFL towards the end of last season — has been good but not great this year. The difference is Ben Roethlisberger returning to form and the offense catching up, with guys like Claypool adding to the Steelers’ offense prowess. Pittsburgh may be 4-0, but their wins have been solid if not spectacular. However, the combined record of their opponents so far has been 3-15-1. This weekend, the Steelers will face an opponent with more wins than that alone, who naturally happens to be the 4-1 Cleveland Browns. This is easily the most hyped matchup between the two rivals in quite some time. After that, Pittsburgh takes on the Tennessee Titans and Baltimore Ravens. We’ll have a much better idea of what the Steelers are capable of three weeks from now. That is of course if those games are played at all.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Every time I think the New York Jets can’t be even more of a dumpster fire, they do something like this — and totally not redeem themselves. 

After signing Le’Veon Bell (who had sat out the entire prior season due to a contract dispute) to a $52.5M deal with $35M guaranteed, the Jets got fewer than 20 games, 0 100-yard performances, and a slew of injuries related to their superstar RB. Part of that was surely a dip in play from Bell, but it’s not like New York had the offensive line (or quite frankly any other position) talented enough to make it work. But there was still the intrigue of what Bell could do for another team. That made him an intriguing trade prospect.

Then the Jets said fuck that and straight up cut Bell (during the middle of the Titans-Bills game no less). I get that Bell may be damaged goods, but how the fuck can you get nothing for him at all? David Johnson has one of the bigger albatross contracts in the NFL and he was still part of a trade (that netted DeAndre Hopkins no less). Some team would’ve been desperate enough once the trade deadline. Sure, the Jets reportedly had been shopping Bell since last year’s deadline. But I’m more inclined to believe New York management may not be good negotiators.

So now the question becomes, who would be open to taking a chance on Bell? A number of teams come to mind. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs seemingly want to sign every offensive player on earth. With Tarik Cohen out, the Chicago Bears could use another offensive threat to help out Nick Foles. Bell’s shiftier style could be a good complement to either Derrick Henry or Chris Carson. One interesting option — the Miami Dolphins. They really don’t have a RB and are unexpectedly good. Perhaps they could take a flyer on Bell to see if they really can make a surprise playoff berth. Still, with other headaches like Antonio Brown and Earl Thomas still unemployed, it’s not a guarantee.

But what makes people think Bell can turn it around? Simply put, he won’t be playing under Adam Gase anymore. Let’s take a look at some of the names who used to be under Gase’s coaching — Ryan Tannehill, Kenyan Drake, DeVante Parker, Jarvis Landry, Mike Gesicki, Kenny Stills, Damien Williams. When it’s one or two players, it might just be a bad system fit. When it becomes a trend, you have to look at the man in charge. How does Gase still have a job? Bill O’Brien and Dan Quinn got the boot. Are the Jets just willing to tank this season for Trevor Lawrence? Gase or whoever they get to replace him may just fuck him up anyway.

Also, can we give some credit to Mike Tomlin? He managed Bell, Brown, and Ben Roethlisberger all at once. That team was notorious for the drama that happened off the field. But not only did Tomlin consistently have success and make the playoffs with them, they also either went down in production or went up in off-field craziness. There’s a reason the Pittsburgh Steelers go through head coaches less frequently than the catholic church goes through popes.

Speaking of trades…

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 14TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 30 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

The annual reminder returns, as regular as Shaquille O’Neal mentioning how many rings he has, Kenny Smith having trouble moving faster than walking speed, Ernie Johnson wearing a bow tie, and Charles Barkley eating anything.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

October 15 just happens to be the date of two Denver Broncos Monday Night Football moments so memorable I’m literally forced to write about them. I can’t escape highlighting something good that happened to a team I hate. On October 15, 1984, the Broncos hosted the Green Bay Packers in blizzard-like conditions. The cold, wet weather probably played a factor in how the game began. On the first play from scrimmage, Steve Foley recovered a fumble and took the ball into the end zone. The next time the Packers offense had the ball, they fumbled again, with Louis Wright scooping the ball up and scoring a TD. This remains the only game in NFL history where the defense scored on the first two plays from scrimmage. The snow limited play most of the night, with barefoot K Rich Karlis’ 2nd quarter FG proving to be the difference in a 17-14 Denver win. 28 years later, on October 15, 2012, the Broncos were getting their asses kicked by the San Diego Chargers. Denver’s new QB, Peyton Manning, had thrown a pick six and the offense was generally lackluster. Heading into the locker room, the Broncos were losing 24-0. Then two things happened: Denver’s offense woke up and Philip Rivers became a turnover machine. After a Manning TD pass to Demaryius Thomas, Rivers fumbled the ball, which Tony Carter returned for a score. Another Manning TD pass brought the game to within one score. The following three San Diego drives ended with a Rivers INT, the final one being returned by Chris Harris. Another Rivers fumble capped off the Chargers collapse, as the Broncos won 35-24. Fuck the Broncos. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2008 — The Dow Jones Industrial Average closes down 733.08 points, or 7.87%, the second worst percentage drop in the Dow’s history.
• 1995 — The Carolina Panthers win their first game, defeating the New York Jets 26-15.
• 1989 — Wayne Gretzky becomes the all-time leading points scorer in NHL history.
• 1988 — Kirk Gibson hits his iconic walk-off home run in Game 1 of the World Series.
• 1988 — Oklahoma sets the NCAA record for the most single-game rushing yards by one team, running for 768 yards in a 70-24 win over Kansas State.
• 1987 — The NFL Players Association orders an end to 24 day strike.
• 1969 — Earl Weaver becomes the first manager to be ejected in a World Series game in 60 years.
• 1966 — The Black Panther Party is created by Huey P. Newton and Bobby Seale.
• 1956 — FORTRAN, the first modern computer language, is first shared with the coding community.
• 1933 — The Philadelphia Eagles play their first NFL game, losing 56-0 to the New York Giants.
• 1928 — The airship Graf Zeppelin completes the first trans-Atlantic passenger flight.
• 1878 — The Edison Electric Light Company (now General Electric) begins operation.
• 1793 — Queen Marie Antoinette of France is tried and convicted, and condemned to death the following day.
• 1783 — The first manned hot air balloon flight takes place.
• 1582 — The Georgian calendar (the near-universally used worldwide) is adopted.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1989 — Blaine Gabbert, NFL QB who had one of the best accidental hot mic incidents in sports history.
• 1989 — Anthony Joshua, boxing champion.
• 1949 — Sigourney Weaver, actress best known for her iconic science fiction film roles.
• 1959 — Emeril Lagasse, celebrity chef and TV personality.
• 1953 — Tito Jackson, musician and member of the Jackson 5.
• 1945 — Jim Palmer, HOF pitcher and MLB’s winningest arm of the 1970’s.
• 1920 — Mario Puzo, crime author best known for writing a book called The Godfather.
• 1858 — John L. Sullivan, one of boxing’s first ever stars whose career also helped give birth to sports journalism.

DEATHS:

• 2018 — Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft and owner of the Seattle Seahawks and Portland Trail Blazers.
• 1978 — W. Eugene Smith, photojournalist known for his iconic photo essays.
• 1930 — Herbert Dow, founder of the Dow Chemical Company, one of the three largest chemical producers in the world.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National I Love Lucy Day! The iconic TV sitcom I Love Lucy premiered on October 15, 1951 and ran for six years, achieving ratings, critical praise, and awards galore during that time. It was the first show to be inducted into the National TV Hall of Fame and is consistently ranked No. 1 or damn close to it on seemingly every “best TV show ever” list, among the likes of Seinfeld, M*A*S*H, The Honeymooners, The Sopranos, Cheers, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and All in the Family. The episodes “

Lucy Does a TV Commercial” and “Job Switching” are among some of the greatest any show has produced. It somehow gets better with age.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

ENGINEER CREATES THE WORLD’S FIRST RETRACTABLE LIGHTSABER

WATERLOO, Ontario, Canada –It is an elegant weapon, for a more civilized age… and it is also cool AF.

A group of weaponsmiths have built the world’s first fully-functional retractable 4000° plasma blade — in other words, a lightsaber.

The Hacksmith James Hobson unveiled the astounding creation on his YouTube channel on Thursday, a project he has been working on for years, and Star Wars fans have been dreaming about for decades.

“A real, retractable, plasma-based lightsaber: the pinnacle of sci-fi tech, and probably one of the most sought-after fictional technologies, ever,” he said without a parsec of exaggeration.

In the fascinating 18-minute video, he detailed how he and his team built the Jedi weapon that can literally cut through a steel door — and he proves it.

READ MORE

I’ve never felt a greater combination of jealousy, awe, and terror in my life. The Force is strong with this one.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 FUNNIEST INSIDE THE NBA MOMENTS

Going back to my Top Gear/Grand Tour comparison, while there are certainly moments of pure car porn and car talk along with some stunning cinematography, what people remember the most are the laugh out loud moments. A lot of that comes from the chemistry between the hosts — Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May. Hammond is the youngest member and brings a more reckless, naive energy. May is the most down-to-earth member and brings the old timey knowledge/attitude. Clarkson is the leader and brings the noise and brashness. Clarkson can relate to May on age and to Hammond on being cavalier, while May and Hammond are both extremely practical and handy. All three are extremely knowledgeable about their craft and in shit talking. That allows for incredible creativity and variety. But the most important aspect is that all three can not only dish out the punishment, but take it as well. It’s less a car show and more three good friends fucking around in cars.

At many times, Inside the NBA is less a basketball show and four (sometimes more) good friends fucking around while talking about the sport. That’s because of the chemistry between the hosts, though it’s a little bit different in this case. Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Shaquile O’Neal each have a specific role, one they play to perfection. Barkley is the wild card — an unpredictable personality with a loose mouth who’s guaranteed to say something hilarious. O’Neal is the big (figuratively and literally) presence that raises everything up to his height. Smith may not be as notable or formidable as the other two, but he serves as the perfect sidekick — articulate and able to set up jokes and skits perfectly. O’Neal and Smith can gang up on Barkley over the latter’s lack of championships and dumb shit he says. Barkley and O’Neal bond as two former big men and gang up on Smith for being a role player during his career. Smith and Barkley are both from the same era and combine their efforts to gang up on the big target — O’Neal. They goof around so much that people forget that these three have had incredible success at the highest level, with two of them (Barkely and O’Neal) being two of the greatest players of all time.

But overall, there are two major reasons why Inside the NBA is so damn funny. The first is that Barkley is a good sport and allows himself to be the punching bag for a lot of gags. O’Neal can be as sensitive as he is large, often bringing up his rings whenever someone brings up a valid criticism or counterpoint. Smith isn’t exactly any more receptive to tough shots. But Barkley never takes anything seriously, so he laughs off any joke at his expense, which makes him both the biggest target and the biggest star. Barkley allows for some wild shit to happen and whenever he does get the chance to turn it back on everyone else, it’s even more hilarious. But all three of the hosts would be directionless without the second reason: Ernie Johnson, the best host of a sports TV show there is. Amid all the chaos and wildness, Johnson is always there to steer the ship, his calm, articulate presence the perfect foil to the wild guys around him. This isn’t to say Johnson is above jumping into the fray himself, firing his own shots and stirring the pot from time to time.

With all of this, Inside the NBA has the perfect formula to create memorable, fucking hysterical moments of TV. This show has been on for so long and has produced so much laughter over the years that there was plenty to choose from. As far as I can remember, this was the hardest Ruben’s Ranking topic to narrow down to the final list. Instances that just didn’t make the cut (and I highly encourage you to look these up) include Barkley’s Ron Burgundy moment with the teleprompter, the time Shaq wore a white suit, Chris Webber throwing a shoe at Barkley, Johnson and Barkley’s three-point contest, Barkley’s constant battles with foreign names and languages, weight loss/lifting competitions between Barkley and O’Neal, Smith’s jersey “retirement,” Barkley nearly falling asleep on TV, Smith crushing O’Neal with a Christmas tree, Barkley’s Eric Clapton concert story, and the time Smith brought a donkey onto the set that Barkley had to kiss.

HONORABLE MENTION: SHAQTIN’ A FOOL

Shaqtin a Fool is a recurring segment on the show, implemented since O’Neal joined the cast in 2011. Every week, O’Neal presents several humorous mistakes or uncommon plays from the previous week’s slate of games. There are some players who commonly make appearances on the segment, most notably JaVale McGee. In fact, McGee’s mistakes were featured so much that it created a beef between him and O’Neal that involved their moms at one point. The segment has gotten so popular that Shaqtin’ is featured on NBA TV on its own during the offseason. 

HONORABLE MENTION: CHUCK LOVES DOUGHNUTS

Perhaps the most commonly recurring joke on the show is Barkley’s love of food, particularly doughnuts. Anytime each host is parodied for something, you can bet that Barkley’s joke will have something to do with the sugary treat. Barkley’s favorite kind of doughnuts are from Krispy Kreme — he loves them so much that he can identify them blindfolded. He loves them so much that he hears the word “doughnut” when it’s not being said. For his 53rd birthday, the show’s staff surprised Barkley with 53 cases of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, leaving him dumbfounded. 

HONORABLE MENTION: PUNKING SHAQ

While Barkley allows himself to be the punching bag for the sake of a joke, O’Neal is a bit more sensitive and defensive. Although pissing off a guy like O’Neal is never a good idea, sometimes the show likes to poke the big man’s pride. One time, each host was put on their own version of Drake’s album “Views.” O’Neal’s was called “Views from Kobe’s shoulders,” which caused him to “storm off” the set. Another time, the staff created a fake Top 10 Centers in NBA history list for April Fools’ Day, ranking O’Neal ninth, behind the likes of Jack Sikma and Dwight Howard. 

HONORABLE MENTION: WE’RE ALL BLACK FRIENDS

One important aspect of the show that is frequently brought up by even the hosts themselves is that Johnson is the lone non-black member of the cast, including guest analysts. But partially because Johnson fits so seamlessly into the show’s chemistry and partially because Johnson does his research, he’s often thought of not as white, but as light-skinned. From him flexing his rap repertoire to him to his sneaker game to even fan questions, Johnson’s awesomeness defies labels of race. This was even written into a sketch about the show on Saturday Night Live. 

10. NOT THE ANSWER

In 2011, Inside the NBA held a special one-off event in honor of the 60th All-Star Game, which was being held that year. Six analysts/former players — Charles Barkley, Kevin McHale, Reggie Miller, Chris Webber, Steve Kerr, Kenny Smith — held a fantasy draft, with Ernie Johnson serving as the MC. The analysts chose from players who had at least five All-Star appearances (along with a few wild cards) to assemble the best ten-man roster they possibly could. It was an all-time team draft of the greatest players who ever lived. Unfortunately, Barkley didn’t fully understand the goal of the draft, believing instead that it was to put together the best All-Star game team. Thus, with the first overall pick, Barkley did not select Michael Jordan or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Magic Johnson or Larry Bird. He picked Allen Iverson, absolutely stunning everyone else. Once Barkley explained himself, he was then corrected and immediately knew he fucked up. The reaction was priceless. They need to do this again next year for the 70th All-Star Game.

9. TOO STEEP OF A PRICE

Because the NBA broadcasting schedule is more set in stone than others, sometimes networks have to advertise some not-so appetizing matchups. In 2017, one Inside the NBA promo was for a contest between the 22-29 Milwaukee Bucks and the 18-37 LA lakers, which could be seen by buying NBA League Pass for $6.99. While Ernie Johnson was prepared to just read through the promo and move on, Charles Barkley was not. Barkley loudly complained that the matchup was so bad, it wasn’t worth paying seven bucks to watch. That set off a chain reaction of laughter and jokes, including the most bemused/amused look I’ve ever seen from Johnson. As Kenny Smith tried to clarify that the price was not for just the game, but for League Pass as a whole, they tried to roll the next highlight. But as clips from the Houston Rockets-Charlotte Hornets rolled, the crew kept laughing at the Bucks-lakers jokes, with Johnson even exclaiming “You oughta pay me $6.99 to watch that!”. The whole scenario was unexpected, but still hilarious.

8. SHAQ VS. MATH

Shaquille O’Neal has been part of a lot of battles in his life, both on and off the court. But perhaps the biggest battle of his post-playing career is against the concept of mathematics and physics. For a man with his hands in so many business ventures, O’Neal has made some interesting statements involving basic math while on TV. Two instances stick out. The first was when O’Neal wondered how long it takes to fly to the moon. Using the “logic” that he could see the moon from outside the Inside the NBA studio in Atlanta but couldn’t see California (a five-hour flight away), O’Neal calculated that it was a ten-hour flight from Earth to the moon, much to the amusement of the rest of the crew. For the record, it takes three days to get to the moon. A couple of years later, Kenny Smith said he was car shopping, but wanted advice as to whether to get one with a big gas tank or good gas mileage. Enter O’Neal, who unloaded his theory on gas station spending, which you have to hear to believe. O’Neal can never be called “The Big Aristotle” again.

7. KENNY “THE JUMP” SMITH

Remember back in 2008 when that video of Kobe Bryant supposedly jumping over a moving Aston Martin went viral? The debate over whether or not it was fake (it was) was fierce. But for Bryant and Nike (it was a show commercial), they just wanted to create buzz. It certainly helped that Inside the NBA decided to have a little fun with that video. During a postgame interview with Bryant following a LA lakers playoff win over the Denver Nuggets, the crew first talked to him about that viral video. Then, Kenny Smith revealed that he had put together his own video, trying to emulate Bryant’s stunt. The video shows Smith hurriedly putting on a pair of shoes, running out into the street, preparing to jump, and being run over by a speeding car, leaving only the shoes behind. All of this played out live during the interview with Bryant, so we got to see him and everyone else laugh along with us. The cherry on top was when they played “footage” of the driver of the car that hit Smith, revealing him to be none other than Ernie Johnson. 

6. RUN THROUGH THE TAPE

Perhaps the biggest controversy in the history of Inside the NBA came during a special event that had nothing to do with basketball. In 2013, the full crew — Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Shaquille O’Neal, Charles Barkley, and Chris Webber — took part in a 100 meter dash, dubbed “Chariots of Backfire”. It was hyped up across several episodes, but the actual race was not without issues. Everyone but Johnson false started, though the race was not stopped (Johnson was a DNF). Barkley finished a distant 4th and O’Neal did surprisingly well in 3rd. Webber and Smith were clearly ahead of the pack, but Smith had the edge. As they neared the finish line, Smith slowed up to celebrate. Webber sped up and reached his arm out, breaking the tape just before Smith crossed the line. Disregarding the rules of track and field, the judges declared Webber the winner by the slimmest of margins. Smith was so mad that he didn’t even collect his silver medal. To this day, anyone referencing the race quotes Webber’s famous words: “Run through the tape!”.  

5. POLICE PRESENCE

A 2018 contest between the Houston Rockets and LA Clippers didn’t end on the court. The bad blood between the two teams led to a number of Rockets players — including Chris Paul — trying to storm the Clippers locker room to confront Austin Rivers. Reporter Rosalyn Gold-Onwude did a hit for Inside the NBA about the incident, during which she revealed that LAPD had been called to the scene. But coverage of what happened turned from serious to humorous when that detail was reported. As soon as they heard that, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal — two of the most physical players of their much rougher eras — started laughing their asses off. The two of them were beside themselves, amused that instead of welcoming the chance to kick some ass, the players called 9-1-1 to handle the likes of Paul. As Barkley put it, “I’ve been in the NBA for 16 years… This is the first time I’ve ever heard the words ‘police presence.’”. The whole scene, with Barkley and O’Neal laughing for three minutes straight, was fucking hysterically funny.

4. ROASTING THE SUNS

Charles Barkley spent arguably the best years of his career with the Phoenix Suns, being named MVP and leading his team to the NBA Finals in 1993. But any love between Barkley and his former team appears to have vanished. In 2016, while Ernie Johnson was doing highlights of a Phoenix loss to the Houston Rockets, the Suns Ring of Honor member went on an unprompted, five-minute long rant against the organization. Barkley ripped everything from the quality of the team to the parking outside Talking Stick Resort Arena to the food and drinks being served inside (especially the nachos) to even the seats in the building. Johnson and Kenny Smith went from trying to steer the conversation back to the actual highlights to egging Barkley on as the rant continued. Barkley justified his evisceration of the Suns by blaming Phoenix’s poor management for their recent years of struggle, saying the fans in Phoenix deserve better. To be fair, he’s right. But then Barkley mentioned cheerleaders and Smith had to leave the Inside the NBA set. 

3. SAN ANTONIO WOMEN

One of the biggest recurring controversies regarding Inside the NBA is Charles Barkley’s battle with female residents of San Antonio, Texas. While covering a Spurs game in 2014, Barkley claimed that there were “some big ol’ women in San Antonio due to churros being popular in the area. The comments set off a firestorm, but that didn’t stop Barkley from referring to the size of San Antonio women even when they weren’t in the city. Things came to a crescendo when Barkley defended his comments by saying he didn’t call the women ugly, just “big.” Barkley then took things to a whole other level by imitating someone eating churros, which looked like something else entirely. At the end, Ernie Johnson asks Barkley to do an impression of someone eating a churro and drinking a beverage. The result caused gut-busting laughter. The whole saga sort of came to an end when Barkley apologized in 2017, but not because he regretted what he had said. It was because he had finally tried churros and knew how delicious they are.

2. DOWN GOES SHAQ

Some of the most popular “unscripted” moments are often anything but that — they’re carefully arranged to seem accidental. Truly unscripted things are something rare and incredible. That was the case during halftime of a 2015 playoff game between the Houston Rockets and LA Clippers, when Shaquille O’neal tried to race Kenny Smith to the big board. Unbeknownst to O’Neal, his leg had become tangled with a cord, which caused him to trip and fall, losing a shoe and ripping out a monitor in the process. O’Neal claimed Ernie Johnson had tied the cord around him on purpose, which was obviously bullshit. He then tackled Smith, who had walked over to laugh at him, before putting his shoe back on and finishing his sprint to the board. Of course, the internet went ballistic, creating a cascade of memes of O’Neal falling that featured everything from pro wrestlers to Kevin Hart to O’Neal hitting the snooze button. O’Neal and Inside the NBA played along, offering a cash prize to whoever came up with the funniest meme. 

1. THE BRACELET STORY

Charles Barkley is the gift that keeps on giving. He says and does outrageous things, some of those being set up and others being a surprise. But no one could’ve imagined what would come out of Barkley’s mouth when, in 2016, he was asked about a bracelet he was wearing. As Barkley detailed, he spotted the bracelet around the wrist of a man he was sharing a steam room with in Arizona. He sparked a conversation with the man, who eventually gave the bracelet to Barkley as a gift. The crew found every successive detail funnier, especially that Barkley never even bothered to learn the man’s name. The laughter got so contagious, Shaquille O’Neal did a spit take and had to leave the set for a few seconds. What makes this incident stand out is how much it’s referenced to make later hilarious moments (such as the time Barkley took a Spanish test) even funnier. During the pandemic, Inside the NBA created a podcast hosted by Barkley and Ernie Johnson. The name of the podcast couldn’t be more appropriate — The Steam Room.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (5-0) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (4-1)

Another week, another contender trying to take down the top team in the league. So far, no one has been able to come close to 49ers, who have some conflicting interests this week. Two of Gee’s biggest weapons — Josh Allen and Tyreek Hill — play each other, with defense possibly an afterthought in that matchup. It’s the same thing for Mike Davis and Allen Robinson, although they probably won’t be as productive as the first two. Fortunately for Gee, Adam Thielen and Derrick Henry should be in for big games, while the Rams defense might literally kill Jimmy Garoppolo (or whichever QB he gets benched for). Going up against all of this is Jop Suey!!!, who does have some weapons with which to fire back. Kyler Murray gets to rip apart the awful Cowboys defense, while Robert Woods, Mike Gesicki, and Davante Adams (if he’s healthy), are all in favorable matchups. Antonio Gibson and Odell Beckham could be in for rough outings, but perhaps the Cardinals defense can take advantage of a rusty Andy Dalton this week.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (5-0) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-2)

EKEing Out The Win has been living up to its name, finding themselves tied with 49ers despite scoring nearly 140 points fewer. Unfortunately for Kyle, the offense could hit a big road block this week. That Titans team that just kicked the shit out of the Bills? That’s what Deshaun Watson and Will Fuller get to face this week. D.J. Moore and Marquise Brown may also find tougher challenges than expected. T.J. Hockenson is also facing Kyle’s own Jaguars defense. However, Kenyan Drake is playing the Cowboys — the worst defense in football. If Drake can’t get it done, Kyle may have to look at other options down the road. As for Sleeping Giants, Pat Mahomes will likely be pissed off enough to come out of the gates storming. But he may be the only one. Being members of the Falcons, Brian Hill and Calvin Ridley are never guarantees. The 49ers defense will likely get shredded by the Rams and Diontae Johnson has done fuck all these past two weeks. Dad may need some luck to surpass last year’s win total.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-3)

Bye weeks are a bitch, as C’s New Champ Team and Footballdamus are finding out this week. As of this writing, Chriss does not have a QB rostered besides Drew Brees, although I assume once waivers go through I’ll look like an idiot for not including it. Chriss will also be without Chris Carson and the Seahawks defense this week. My guess is he’ll go with Adrian Peterson to complement a boom or bust backfield that includes Ezekiel Elliott and Kareem Hunt. Chriss has to hope his rookie WRs CeeDee Lamb and Justin Jefferson can handle the pressure of providing the passing game offense (or Mark Andrews will just catch everything again). For Footballdamus, the bye has cast off Darren Waller and Bobby Wagner, though perhaps the biggest news will be the health of Dalvin Cook. Fortunately for Riez, Aaron Rodgers is coming back and should be able to combine with DeAndre Hopkins and Mike Evans to power his lineup. But beware potential tough days for Tyler Boyd and the Steelers defense.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-2) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (2-3)

More bad bye luck here, as Gruden Grinders will be without Tyler Lockett, Josh Jacobs, and Henry Ruggs. Jordan Howard, A.J. Green, and whoever else Jimmy picks up may not be able to pick up the slack. Fortunately, Jared Goff gets to face the reeling 49ers, while Aaron Jones is still his productive self. Juju Smith-Schuster and and the Bears defense are also in potentially good, but also potentially bad matchups. There’s a lot of questions around Jimmy’s lineup. But the same can be said for that of Dixie Normous. Keenan Allen is the only bye guy and Nick has plenty of options on the bench. But not only is which option a tough choice, but two of his best weapons — Tom Brady and Ronald Jones — are in a touch matchup. D.J. Chark and James Conner may also not be able to get the points they’re predicted to contribute. However, Todd Gurley has been Nick’s sleeper player, while the Colts defense should be licking their lips at the prospect of taking advantage of the terrible Bengals offensive line to kill Joe Burrow. 

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (2-3) VS. DARTH RAIDER (1-4)

Remember that foreshadowing from earlier? Yeah, turns out that not only is Orchids of Asia the opponent of a predicted Darth Raider resurgence, but I have to go into the weekend without the services of Russell Wilson. I don’t know who will be my QB, but I have a few ideas. I also have to pray to the fantasy football gods that 49ers QBs will be able to complete some passes to George Kittle and Brandon Aiyuk and that the Bills defense won’t get completely torn to shreds by the Chiefs. Mark Ingram, Robby Anderson, A.J. Brown, and D’Andre Swift have all had nice games before, but I need all of them to get it together. Arik meanwhile gets to replace Dak Prescott with Ben Roethlisberger, which seems unfair. Although he does also have to put D.K. Metcalf on the bench this week. Plus, Amari Cooper, Cooper Kupp, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and Duke Johnson are eager to have bounce back games this week. Some worries include a lack of Hunter Henry, as well as Jerry Jeudy and the Browns defense being in some tough matchups.

THREE EYED RAVENS (0-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-5)

For me, any chances of LeBron James being the GOAT died in 2010. That’s when he joined forces with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to win championships with the Miami Heat. He couldn’t do it on his own — he needed help. When he went back to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years later, the team had gotten three No. 1 draft picks, two of which turned into Kyrie Irving and (in a trade) Kevin Love. When LeBron joined the lakers two summers ago, he didn’t have anyone helping him. After LA missed the playoffs, they traded for a Top 5 player in Anthony Davis. Suddenly, everyone wants to pretend LeBron did it all by himself. He spend seven years in Cleveland trying to win. He’s since left three times, with each destination either having star players or about to get some. It may not be as bad as Kevin Durant, but LeBron has chosen the easier path. Michael Jordan stuck it out and turned a franchise with no history into the greatest NBA dynasty since Bill Russell’s Boston Celtics. That’s greatness, not what LeBron did.

ONE LAST THING

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the NFL’s first coronavirus-related casualty. No, I’m not talking about the Pro Bowl (is it bad that I didn’t know it was supposed to be in Las Vegas?). I’m talking about Josh Norman. Playing on Tuesday Night due to COVID-19 related schedule shuffling, Norman’s soul was snatched from his body by a Derrick Henry stiff arm. RIP.

But in all seriousness, it’s clear the NFL has no coronavirus plan apart from moving the schedule back. We’re barely a third of the way through the regular season and shit’s already going haywire. No fewer than ten teams have seen at least one game being changed, with the Tennessee Titans and New England Patriots having the biggest issues. As I mentioned before, MLB had similar positive test and player discipline problems early in their season, with two clubs — the Miami Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals — having the majority of the problems. Fortunately, they were able to figure it out and are closing in reaching the World Series in a bubble. A bubble is the only surefire way to make the season work, but I’m not sure it can be as effective football given the number of players and staff on each team. Maybe if the NFL survives the early Titans/Patriots bullshit and gets to the playoffs, a bubble could happen. But we have to actually get to the postseason first. It seems every day I wake up to more bad NFL coronavirus news. 

That news isn’t restricted to professional football. College football games — like Florida-LSU — are being canceled or postponed due to a shit ton of players testing positive. Now, those infected with COVID-19 include the don of college football: Nick Saban. Even if we get to a CFB Playoff, this year’s champions will have such a big asterisk by their names it might not even be worth it. Other sports are showing vulnerability as well — Cristiano Ronaldo and Dustin Johnson have also tested positive. This doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon.

Please make it stop.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness