Ruben's Writings

Twitter is the weirdest social media platform. It’s the least complicated and is generally where a lot of shit starts. The whole “trending” topics thing is particularly interesting, because you honestly never know what will be trending on any given day. Sometimes it’s one of those little one-day challenges or questions only meant to be popular for like a day. Having an average of one tweet and one retweet per year, I never take part in these. But I almost did — once.

About a month ago, I saw “movies” trending and clicked. Turns out, it was over a challenge asking people to post stills from “four movies [they’re] pretty sure [they] like more than anyone else [they] know.” For some reason, I was intrigued by the question. This wasn’t just a question about your favorite movies — rather, movies you like more than anyone else, at least among your friends, family, and coworkers. The movies don’t even have to be good, just something you like. I thought about the question and even went as far as to pick out a still from each of the four movies. But I didn’t actually make the tweet — I’m not a regular person, after all.

Let’s see if you guys can guess which four movies I believe I like more than anyone else I know, including you neanderthals. One should be obvious, one should be slightly obvious, one may be somewhat of a surprise, and I’ll be surprised if you know the last one. I’ll give you a minute.

(It’s not this movie, but I like the “waiting” joke)

If none of you guessed Tommy Boy, you are either stupid, forgetful, or not my real friends. It is my absolute, unquestioned favorite movie of all time — one that happened to turn 25 years old this year. I love it, I quote from it frequently, and will probably name one of my sons Thomas Callahan Dominguez. The other one that’s at least somewhat obvious is Miracle. As stated in my massive sports movie newsletter, that is my favorite sports movie. Being by far the biggest hockey person among my immediate friends and not knowing the movie preferences of my former Stockton Thunder coworkers, I have to assume I am the leading fan here. The one that may be a little surprising is Pacific Rim. It may seem like an odd pick, but this movie brings out my inner 9-year-old in the best way. It’s giant robots fighting aliens with incredible music and cinematography. Plus, there’s one part where a robot fires rockets from its elbow to make a punch land even harder, right before it uses a cargo ship like a baseball bat to smack another alien in the face. I don’t give a shit how much of a cinephile you are — that is fucking awesome.

As for the fourth and final movie, I will be genuinely shocked if anyone guesses it correctly, even if I have dropped at least one reference in every newsletter. In fact, you guys see a reference every time you visit the league’s Yahoo! home page. It’s celebrating its 10th anniversary this year, which is partially why I decided to highlight it. The film features an ensemble cast, including Chris Evans, Brie Larson, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Michael Cera, Brandon Routh, Jason Schwartzman, Allison Pill, and Macaulay Culkin’s younger brother. It’s based on a graphic novel I’ve never read that’s set in Canada. I also just love this quote.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World may seem like an odd pick for me, so get ready for this — it’s on my Top 10 All-Time Favorite Movies list. In case you don’t know anything about it, Cera stars as Scott Pilgrim, a slacker guitarist who falls in love with a woman named Ramona Flowers (Winstead). But before they can date, he must defeat her seven evil ex-boyfriends in an escalating series of fights filled with video game-esque shenanigans. Along the way, he’s forced to face his bad habits and realize what matters most in life and love. It’s an incredibly unique premise with even more unique visuals by director Edgar Wright (best known for the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy). 

I love the story, the way it’s shot, the music, the incorporation of video game elements/graphics, the writing, and the deadpan writing/visual humor. In fact, I love it so much that I named our fantasy football league after the tagline on one of the posters. This poster, to be exact. BOOM — big reveal! I wanted to honor the film on its 10th anniversary, which was after my July pandemic newsletter came out. So I decided to hold off until Week 7 due to the whole “seven evil exes” aspect of the film. 

Fuck you, coming up with a theme each week is hard.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (6-0) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (4-2)

105.18 – 88.62

This matchup can be summed up in two words: Derrick Henry. 49ers had him on their roster. Jop Suey!!! didn’t. For the most part, Taylor’s lineup outplayed Gee’s, with only a couple of major pitfalls. Mike Gesicki literally did nothing, while Odell Beckham didn’t do much better. But the same can be said for Tyreek Hill, Evan Engram, Greg Zuerlein, and the Rams defense. Not even Josh Allen (16 points) was his usual productive self. But Gee didn’t give a shit, because Henry (38 points) is a human freight train capable of ripping off 90-yard runs as easily as he can send defenders to the shadow realm. Henry put up more than a third of Gee’s total points, more than enough to bring his total to a respectable amount. That was good enough to top Taylor’s below average effort, Kyler Murray (28 points)’s too little too late effort aside. Maybe Gee could’ve been topped had Henry not gotten another chance in OT (more on that later) and Gesicki had actually caught a pass or two. Regardless, Gee and his workhorse remain on top of the league.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (6-0) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-3)

126.70 – 90.70

It may have taken a few weeks, but EKEing Out The Win finally understood the full firepower of the players who helped end their season last year. Kyle had been impatiently waiting for Kenyan Drake (28 points) to do something, while Deshaun Watson (32 points)’s performance validated Kyle choosing him over Cam Newton this week. It helped that a lot of Watson’s targets went to Will Fuller (18 points). The rest of the lineup was solid if not spectacular, but those three gave Kyle more than enough, especially as Sleeping Giants simply couldn’t put up enough offense to keep up. It’s weird to consider a 20-point performance to be average, but that’s the standard Pat Mahomes is held to. Calvin Ridley (12 points) had a nice day and Tee Higgins (13 points) did unexpectedly well. But the rest of Dad’s lineup was pretty mediocre and he didn’t have that one player (or two) that could help him hold his own in a shootout. If only Dad had someone like that, for example a RB who’s pretty much considered White Jesus in the Charlotte area. 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-2) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4)

106.66 – 77.80

Footballdamus’ lineup produced one of the weirdest performances I’ve ever seen. Riez’s highest-scoring player was Younghoe Koo (20 points), who did extraordinarily well for a K. Second-highest was the Steelers defense (18 points), followed by David Johnson (12 points). If those abstract names killed it, how did Riez’s big guns do? Not well. Mike Evans, David Njoku, and John Brown combined for fewer than two points. Then we have Aaron Rodgers, who was torched so badly by the Buccaneers that he finished with fewer points than Tom Brady has rings. This set the stage for C’s New Champ Team to tear them a new one, which they did, although it wasn’t by as much as it could’ve been. CeeDee Lamb, Ezekiel Elliott, Kareem Hunt, Mark Andrews, and Chris Codwin all scored fewer than seven points, what Robbie Gould got. Fortunately for Chriss, Justin Jefferson (30 points) and Ryan Tannehill (29 points) dropped goddamn nukes on Riez. The Dolphins defense added 15 points of their own to help Chriss rise in the standings.

DIXIE NORMOUS (3-3) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-3)

90.94 – 78.32

Don’t look now, but Dixie Normous is on a three-game winning streak and back at .500. Those wins might not be the prettiest in the world (especially Week 5 — fuck that week), but a victory is a victory. This was the case last week, when Nick happened to be less shitty than the opponent in front of him. That was Gruden Grinders, whose hits weren’t that hard but whose misses were Grand Canyon-sized. Keelan Cole (14 points) and Travis Fulgham (13 points) were great, but they nearly caught up to Jared Goff (15 points). Had Jimmy instead put in Carson Wentz and his 29 points, he’d be in the victor’s seat. But he had to settle for Juju Smith-Schuster and Eric Ebron giving him goose eggs, while Dan Bailey didn’t get him much better. Nick’s lineup, while filled with holes, didn’t have nearly as low of a floor. Tom Brady (14 points) and Ronald Jones (24 points) helped Nick take advantage of the aforementioned Packers ass-whooping, while James Conner (16 points) made a nice contribution of his own. Gotta love those good breaks.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (3-3) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (1-5)

128.22 – 104.68

It’s official — I don’t understand my fucking team. In the first six weeks of the season, Orchids of Asia has scored 91, 123, 77, 107, 80, and now 128 points in order. Not surprisingly, I’m 3-3. What makes this even more shocking is that I was without Russell Wilson. Thankfully, garbage time exists, or else Gardner Minshew (18 points) wouldn’t have done shit for me. It was at least much more than what Ben Roethlisberger did for Darth Raider. Cooper Kupp and Jerry Jeudy also had poor efforts for Arik, which shockingly I can’t say for most of my team. D’Andre Swift (24 points) not only had his best game ever and helped offset Mark Ingram’s injury, but also doubled up Adrian Peterson’s production for Arik. Chase Claypool (14 points) proved me right with my addition, while George Kittle (16 points) and A.J. Brown (17 points) showed me exactly what I was missing while they were injured earlier in the year. Can’t wait to see everyone do nothing next week to keep my up-and-down pattern going. Congrats — checks schedule — Riez!

THREE EYED RAVENS (1-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-6)

117.44 – 94.74

Ah yes, the rare Toilet Bowl that takes place during the first half of the season. Someone had to finally get their first win of the year. Shockingly, it was the team whose manager could actually log in to their account (or be motivated enough to figure out what’s going on). That doesn’t mean Three Eyed Ravens had an easy victory. Ewing was best helped by his beloved Ravens, with Lamar Jackson (28 points) balling out and the defense doing enough to drop their point total for The Krispy Kritters without blowing the win. It was also a good time for Julio Jones (25 points) to finally show up, which was good for Ewing and Matt Ryan (31 points), but bad for Richard. While Justin Tucker (16 points) and Travis Kelce (16 points) did enough to keep Richard’s hopes alive, Michael Gallup needed to do work to make this a close contest. Instead, the Cowboys (and their defense) completely shat themselves, doubling Richard’s pain. While Ewing finally gets in the win column, Richard wonders why Le’Veon Bell’s return couldn’t have come a week earlier.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (6-0)
2. EKEing Out The Win (6-0)
3. Jop Suey!!! (4-2)
4. C’s New Champ Team (4-2)
5. Dixie Normous (3-3)
6. Orchids of Asia (3-3)
7. Sleeping Giants (3-3)
8. Gruden Grinders (3-3)
9. Footballdamus (2-4)
10. Darth Raider (1-5)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1-5)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-6)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (753.94)
2. Jop Suey!!! (693.30)
3. Darth Raider (690.12)
4. Footballdamus (671.34)
5. C’s New Champ Team (650.80)
6. Dixie Normous (638.74)
7. EKEing Out The Win (636.84)
8. Orchids of Asia (608.40)
9. Sleeping Giants (595.66)
10. Gruden Grinders (578.66)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (572.80)
12. The Krispy Kritters (530.32)

MY TWO (POINT) CENTS

It’s something you’ve seen in several games this season, but may not have noticed is happening at a record pace. I’m talking about the two-point conversion, the famous post-TD wild card and key to scorigami success. Across the first six weeks of the NFL season, there have been 58 conversion attempts — the most by this point in any NFL season since the two-point try was reintroduced in 1994. Half of those have been completed, slightly more than the historical NFL average going into the season. But you wouldn’t know that, given how going for it put some coaches in hot water this past week.

Twice a coach decided to pass up the normal extra point attempt in favor of securing a victory. Twice, they came up short. Twice, that team wound up losing the game. 

Let’s start in New York, where the Giants were holding onto a 20-13 lead over the Washington Football Team. With just over 36 seconds left to play, Kyle Allen hit Cam Sims for a 22-yard TD. Instead of kicking the extra point to all but ensure OT, Ron Rivera elected to go for two points and the win. That failed and Washington fell to the previously winless Giants 20-19. This was the least surprising two-point try in my opinion. Yes, New York hadn’t scored on offense in the second half. However, Washington had barely done anything either, except for being responsible for the Giants’ late lead thanks to a fumble by Allen that was returned for a TD. With that lack of offense, it’s not a given that they’d get a better or even as good of a chance to score in the extra frame. Plus, Rivera is nicknamed “Riverboat Ron” for a reason. If you look at the play, it looks like Allen had a chance to run the ball in before pulling back. Why trust Allen to make the play? Well, why trust Allen in OT at that point? I don’t fault Rivera for going for it there.

Another two-point try that backfired happened in Nashville. The back-and-forth barn burner between the Titans and Texans was somehow going in Houston’s favor. Already up 30-29, Deshaun Watson found Brandin Cooks for a short TD (on 4th and Goal, nonetheless) to go up 36-29. An extra point would make it so the Titans would need to go for two to send the game to OT. But Romeo Crennel went for the throat and a chance to go up by two scores with less than two minutes remaining. Watson’s ensuing pass was blocked and Tennessee got the ball back trailing by a TD. They got that score thanks to A.J. Brown on a questionable call (but for my fantasy team’s sake I’ll take it), kicking the extra point to head to OT. That’s when Derrick Henry went full Titan mode to secure a 42-36 win. Like Rivera, Crennel is getting some shit for going for two. But I don’t understand why. You can make the argument his situation was more clear cut than Rivera’s. The Texans not only had a chance to all but win the game, but wouldn’t have automatically lost had they failed. They were still up by a TD, one they were likely to and in fact did give up. No one was stopping either offense — Henry in particular. If the Titans needed to make a two-point conversion, they would’ve just given it to Henry. He was that unstoppable. This also doesn’t mean I think Mike Vrabel should’ve gone for two as well. You just stopped a two-point try. Don’t tempt the football gods. Vrabel chose to hold the momentum until OT, a decision which clearly paid off.

There were two other games which were impacted by two-point conversion attempts. Midway through the 4th quarter and the Patriots trailing 18-3 to the Broncos, Cam Newton plunged into the end zone to make the score 18-9. Bill Belichick decided to go for two points to make it a seven-point game, but failed. To me, this is the least defensible of the decisions mentioned in this section. Cutting the deficit to one score is the most important outcome, one which would’ve happened with an extra point. Yes, New England would still have to make a two-point conversion to tie the game. But that’s a better prospect than a nine-point deficit and not worth the benefits of being down by seven instead. Being down by two scores forced the Patriots to settle for a FG before giving it back to Denver to run down the clock. Hell, New England might not have even gotten the ball back had Drew Lock not decided to channel his inner Jameis Winston. The push came too late, as the Patriots fell 18-12.

Then there’s the Eagles, who looked dead to rights against the Ravens. Baltimore was up 17-0 at halftime, 24-6 going into the 4th quarter, and 30-14 with just over seven minutes to play. But somehow they barely escaped with a 30-28 win. Going back to Philadelphia’s first TD, Doug Pederson decided to go for two, even though there was still plenty of time left in the game. That conversion failed, though the Eagles made up for it by succeeding on their next try. With the deficit at 16, Philadelphia needed and got another two-point try on their next TD. After finding the end zone yet again, the Eagles needed two more points to tie the game. They couldn’t get them. While some are (rightfully) criticizing the play call, others are yelling at Pederson for going for two after the first TD. I don’t understand the hate there. Sure, if that conversion goes in, the Eagles could’ve in theory gone for the winning extra point after their last TD. I’m also not defending Pederson’s call to go for two immediately. But that bad call was canceled out by the ensuing two-point conversion. If Pederson elects to kick the extra point the first time around, he would’ve likely done so the second time as well. Either way, it still would’ve been 24-14. The Eagles went for two the last two times because they were suddenly down by 16 instead of ten. Looking at the scoring plays as they are, you’d judge Philadelphia for going for two after all four TDs. But the last two were necessary and the second was only attempted because the first one failed.

I love it when coaches grow some balls and go the unconventional route. Sometimes it works. Other times, you get flamed on Twitter. What causes me to lean one way or another with these decisions is the timing. I’m not a fan of randomly going for two early on in the game, unless you have a chance to tie. I know the percentages may say there’s a greater overall chance of team success by going for it early, but that seems more on the bullshit side of Moneyball to me. Going for it late in the game when the chips are on the table and thoughts of OT are dashed away for a chance at victory? That’s the good shit. Coaches need to do that more. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

As a fan of a team that’s had exactly one winning record during that time, I feel no sympathy for the Patriots whatsoever. Given they lost to a 1-3 Denver Broncos team that didn’t score a TD and tried to give the game away at the end, New England certainly looks like a team that only had two days of practice in the past two weeks. But in typical Patriots fashion, they’ll probably go 11-0 to close out the regular season en route to an AFC Championship Game appearance.

GONE TOO SOON

In a classic case of “post-coach firing boost,” the Atlanta Falcons torched the Minnesota Vikings for their first win of 2020. On any other occasion, this would be a call for plenty of celebration and a venting of frustrations. But this victory was bittersweet, because a key component of the typical Falcons postgame scene was not present.

Last week, Vaughn McClure, ESPN’s Falcons reporter, died at his home near Atlanta. McClure was only 48 years old. As of now, no cause of death has been reported for McClure, whose father passed away earlier this year. While it’s certainly tragic to see someone pass away so young (even more so for me as a fellow member of the media), it seems the loss is being felt across multiple fields around the country.

McClure, a Chicago native, joined ESPN in 2013 after covering the Bears and Bulls for the Chicago Tribune. Before that, the Northern Illinois University grad covered Notre Dame football for the Chicago Sun-Times and Fresno State basketball for the Fresno Bee. At every stop, McClure exhibited nothing but professionalism and passion for sports. That comes from countless reporters and former colleagues, who have taken to social media to post their memories of McClure in the wake of his death. From fellow football writers to ESPN executives and even fellow Fresno Bee alums like Adrian Wojnarowski and Jeff Passan, words of McClure’s sincerity, hard work, enthusiasm, and general niceness have been spread. 

But while earning that much respect from your coworkers and peers is great enough, it’s a whole other level to see tributes pour in from the teams you cover. The Falcons, along with several players, posted kind words about McClure, while the Vikings (Atlanta’s opponent on Sunday) left a seat open in their press box for him. The same goes for Notre Dame, while former Bears figures Brian Urlacher and Lovie Smith posted their own condolences. 

I never knew about McClure and honestly can’t say I’ve read an article from him or watched one of his TV hits. But that doesn’t mean his impact, and his death, mean anything less to me. It seems the sports journalism world (and the football world as a whole) lost a good one.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Ready for the biggest Raiders game in four years?

I’m not exaggerating here — Sunday Night’s showdown with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Las Vegas could not only be a huge point for the season, but also for this young Raiders core. The Silver and Black are coming off a shocking, signature win on the road against the defending Super Bowl champions. The most important piece of the roster — Derek Carr — played as well as he did during his 2016 MVP campaign year for the first time since then. Josh Jacobs was a wrecking ball. Henry Ruggs went fast and opened up the field. The defense shut down arguably the best offense in football for nearly the entire second half. While there was plenty of (deserved) celebration after that, the big question — “What next?” — is about to be answered.

Should the Raiders pull off another upset, they’d officially be on the map. I don’t think you could rank Las Vegas outside the Top 10 with a win on Sunday. Of course, it would be even better if that victory came with Carr and the offense balling the fuck out again. Doing so would prove several things — the offense is among the best in the NFL, Carr may be back, the defense doesn’t have to be at its best to win, the future could be now. But a loss, while not necessarily putting the nail in the coffin to all of that, casts enough of a shadow to create some serious doubt. Plus, consider the stakes. It’s a chance to take down Tom Brady, whose rise came at the expense of the Raiders. It’s a grudge match against the team that beat the Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII. It’s Jon Gruden’s first game against his old team. There’s a lot riding on this game beneath the surface. Also, to come out of the toughest stretch of the season with a 4-2 record would be neat.

Or, you know, our entire offensive line (and Johnathan Abram) could have COVID-19. Whatever, man. It’s not like I had hope anyway.

Now… about that schedule.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 TOUGHEST RAIDERS GAMES

Before the season, I identified the second half of the Raiders schedule as by far the easiest. I stand by that, but things have changed. I, the ever pessimistic fan, sense danger around every corner. Let’s go game-by-game, looking at Las Vegas’ most difficult matchups ahead.

HONORABLE MENTION: WEEK 13 @ JETS

Until the New York Jets resemble something similar to a football team, I’m predicting they lose every game from here on out. The Jets have only lost one game by fewer than ten points — to the Drew Lock-less Denver Broncos. That was also the only time they’ve scored more than 20 points. I’m more afraid of the MetLife Stadium turf than the Jets. So naturally, we’ll lose in New York. 

10. WEEK 10 VS. BRONCOS

Yes, the Broncos just beat the Patriots. But New England had like two days of practice and still almost won thanks to Drew Lock’s turnover factory. Denver still has a nasty defense, but I don’t believe it can be enough to stop the Raiders offense. Las Vegas may have some trouble with the occasional Jerry Jeudy big play of Melvin Gordon DUI — I mean big run — but the Las Vegas defense should have enough to make enough stops. If not, I’m sure Vic Fangio will pull another incredibly atrocious display of clock management out of his hat yet again in Sin City.

9. WEEK 15 VS. CHARGERS

These games against the Chargers are going to be fucking shootouts. Justin Herbert looks likely to not only win OROY, but be a thorn in the rest of the AFC West’s side for the next decade. But while Los Angeles can maybe put up enough offense to match the Raiders, their defense is not up to par. Yes, they too have shut down the Kansas City Chiefs for a long period of time. But that also came on a day when the offense didn’t have it together. Plus, even if Las Vegas is trailing late in the game, they’ll still probably win, as the Chargers love blowing 4th quarter leads.

8. WEEK 12 @ FALCONS

Speaking of blowing late leads, no one loves to choke into a painful death more than the Falcons. Now, it must be said that the Atlanta team Las Vegas will play will be under an interim coach, who guided the Falcons to a blowout win last week. But keep in mind, that win came against the hapless Minnesota Vikings, who managed to score late to keep things somewhat close. The late lead blowing gene is still deep within the Falcons’ blood. It will probably be another shootout, but I would be shocked (but sadly not surprised) if the Raiders didn’t leave Georgia with a win.

7. WEEK 9 @ CHARGERS

Yeah, these guys again. What sucks about the pandemic is that I can’t make the same joke about Chargers not having fans in the stands, although Los Angeles is probably best suited to playing in the coronavirus era. I put this one higher simply because Las Vegas will be on the road in this instance. While the Raiders certainly have some great history (especially recently) of winning on the road against their longtime rivals, the new addition of Justin Herbert and the ever-terrifying presence of Joey Bosa should be enough to keep the visitors from getting too confident. 

6. WEEK 14 VS. COLTS

Plenty of that aforementioned history comes against the shot put-throwing, baby-making machine known as Philip Rivers. Now in Indianapolis, Rivers’ arm looks as shot as it did last season. But he does happen to have an emerging running game with Jonathan Taylor to compliment him, along with the Colts’ terrifying defense. This will definitely be a “strength vs. strength” showdown for the Raiders, with the Las Vegas offense against Indianapolis’ defense. Let’s hope Rivers has as little success against the Raiders this time as he did during his last few games in SoCal.  

5. WEEK 17 @ BRONCOS

You might be wondering why the rematch of the lowest ranked non-Jets game is so much higher than its counterpart. It’s all because of where it’s being played: Denver. Strange, terrible things happen in Mile High and I do not fuck with it. The Broncos can keep getting injured and Drew Lock can continue to underperform expectations. But I will never feel like the Raiders will have a safe, secure victory playing in Colorado. I hope John Denver never had a lot of shows in Las Vegas, because he’s as full of shit as any Raiders player not taking this game seriously.

4. WEEK 16 VS. DOLPHINS

Now this wasn’t a game I expected to be up this far. That’s the power of Fitzmagic for you. The Dolphins have given damn near everyone unexpected fits, keeping things close with the Buffalo Bills and Seattle Seahawks, while blowing out the New York Jets (expected) and San Francisco 49ers (not so much. Of course, things could change with how new starter Tua Tagovaila (more on this next week) performs. Las Vegas could take advantage of the rookie’s inexperience or get torched in Herbert fashion. Or the Raiders will have to face the Fitzmagic once again. 

3. WEEK 8 VS. BROWNS

Another surprisingly tough matchup, the Browns have been one of the NFL’s biggest surprises at 4-2. Now, it must be said that the majority of Cleveland’s victories have come against terrible teams, while they’ve been curb stomped by the only two good teams they’ve played (depending on how you feel about the Indianapolis Colts). If the Raiders can jump ahead early, the Browns can implode like no other team in the NFL. But if Cleveland’s offense can get going and Baker Mayfield actually hits his WRs, Las Vegas could be in for a long day of shootout football.

2. WEEK 7 VS. BUCCANEERS

Yeah, the Buccaneers’ decimation of the Green Bay Packers has me terrified. When Tampa Bay is operating at full capacity, it’s damn near impossible to beat them. Not only will Tom Brady, Mike Evans, and Rob Gronkowski present plenty of problems for the defense, but Tampa Bay’s own front seven could slow the Raiders on offense. Las Vegas has to play a nearly flawless game. The Buccaneers defense is good enough to pounce on even Aaron Rodgers’ mistakes, while that bastard Brady can pick apart any 11-man unit in front of him. This will be a tough one for sure. 

1. WEEK 11 VS. CHIEFS

Yes, the Raiders just beat the Chiefs in Kansas City. But that was as shocking as any win Las Vegas will ever get. Pat Mahomes is still Pat Mahomes. The loaded Chiefs offense now has Le’Veon goddamn Bell. The defense continues to be underrated. Andy Reid continues to fog up face shields. Not only are all of these statements true, but Kansas City will enter Sin City out for blood and revenge. Facing the Chiefs is one thing — having to play a motivated, pissed off Chiefs team is damn frightening. This is by far the toughest game still remaining for the Raiders.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 14TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 23 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Don’t bitch about trades, or I will punch the highlights out of your hair.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 22, 1950, the Los Angeles Rams became the second NFL team to score 70 points in a game and the first to do it in the regular season. The Rams got started early, with Glenn Davis hitting Elroy “Crazylegs” Hirsch for a 58-yard TD. While the Baltimore Colts responded with a 55-yard TD of their own, Vitamin Smith (I love old timey names like that) returned the following kickoff to the end zone to make it 14-7. Both teams traded one-yard TDs, but then Los Angeles took over. Two more rushing TDs put the Rams up 35-13 at halftime. When the 3rd quarter kicked off, LA’s young future HOF QB Norm Van Brocklin took over, throwing two TD passes to increase the lead to 49-13. The Colts finally scored again after that, but then the Rams tacked on two more TDs. Baltimore tried to salvage something with a late score, only to see Bob Waterfield put the cherry on top with a 63-yard TD pass to Bob Boyd. The Bob-Bob connection cemented the final score as 70-27, one of the biggest ass whoopings and offensive outputs in NFL history. Three different QBs threw TD passes for the Rams that day. After the game, both franchises took drastically different paths. The Rams stayed explosive the following week, beating the Detroit Lions 65-24. For those keeping score, that’s the third-most and sixth-most points ever scored in a NFL game in back-to-back weeks, combining for 135 points and 1,029 total yards. LA would reach the NFL Championship game that year before winning it all in 1951. Also, they still exist. The same can’t be said for the Colts, who finished their only NFL season 1-11 before folding. Now, you might look at the Indianapolis Colts today and wonder how that last sentence makes sense. Well, this Baltimore Colts franchise began in 1946 as the Miami Seahawks (seriously), a charter member of the All-America Football Conference that moved to Baltimore in 1947. In 1953, Baltimore was granted an NFL expansion team that revived the Colts name. That is the franchise currently playing in Indianapolis. The old NFL was weird.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2005 — Tropical Storm Alpha forms in the Atlantic Basin, making the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season the most active season on record — with 22 named storms (it would finish with 31).
• 2001 — Grand Theft Auto III, one of the most popular, critically acclaimed, controversial, genre-defining video games of all time, is released.
• 2001 — Pardon the Interruption debuts on ESPN.
• 1997 — Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet, is knocked unconscious and requires two stitches after plexiglass falls on her while watching a game.
• 1982 — Action film First Blood is released in theaters.
• 1972 — The Oakland Athletics defeat the Cincinnati Reds 3-2 in Game 7 of the World Series, claiming the franchise’s first championship in the Bay Area.
• 1968 — Apollo 7 safely splashes down in the Atlantic Ocean after orbiting the Earth 163 times.
• 1966 — The Supremes become the first all-female music group to attain a No. 1 selling album (The Supremes A’ Go-Go).
• 1966 — Hockey legend Bobby Orr scores his first NHL goal.
• 1964 — The design of the current Canadian flag is selected.
• 1962 — President John F. Kennedy announces that U.S. reconnaissance planes have discovered Soviet nuclear weapons in Cuba, and that he has ordered a naval “quarantine” of the Communist nation (part of the Cuban Missile Crisis).
• 1957 — The U.S. suffers its first casualties in Vietnam during the Vietnam war.
• 1939 — NBC broadcasts the first ever televised NFL game, a 23-14 Brooklyn Dodgers win over the Philadelphia Eagles.
• 1934 — FBI agents shoot and kill notorious bank robber Pretty Boy Floyd.
• 1884 — The International Meridian Conference designates the Royal Observatory, Greenwich as the world’s prime meridian.
• 1883 — The Metropolitan Opera House in New York City opens with a performance of Faust.
• 1836 — Sam Houston is inaugurated as the first President of the Republic of Texas.
• 1797 — Andre-Jacques Garnerin makes the first recorded parachute jump.
• 1746 — The College of New Jersey (later renamed Princeton University) receives its charter.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1975 — Jesse Tyler Ferguson, actor best known for his role as Mitchell Pritchett on Modern Family.
• 1973 — Ichiro Suzuki, future baseball HOF player and international hit king.
• 1964 — Drazen Petrovic, pioneering European NBA player and three-point shooter who was killed in a car crash.
• 1952 — Jeff Goldblum, actor best known for being Jeff Goldblum.
• 1949 — Arsene Wenger, soccer manager known for his time in charge of 1. Nancy, 2. Monaco, 3. Nagoya Grampus Eight, and 4. Arsenal.
• 1939 — Tony Roberts, actor best known for his roles in Woody Allen movies.
• 1938 — Christopher Lloyd, actor best known for his role as Dr. Emmett Brown in the Back to the Future trilogy and Jim Ignatowski in the TV series Taxi.
• 1929 — Lev Yashin, soccer legend and arguably the greatest goalkeeper of all time.

DEATHS:

• 2007 — Eve Curie, writer/pianist and daughter of pioneering scientist Marie Curie.
• 1992 — Red Barber, iconic baseball and football play-by-play announcer.
• 1934 — Pretty Boy Floyd, notorious bank robber.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Nut Day! This is about the fruit (yes nuts are technically fruits), you sick fucks

.THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

LEMUR STOLEN FROM SAN FRANCISCO ZOO FOUND IN PARK

DALY CITY, Calif. –Maki, a ring-tailed lemur stolen from its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo, was found Thursday in Daly City, police said.

Daly City police said they received a call around 5 p.m. reporting the lemur was in the playground area of the preschool at the Hope Lutheran Church. Officers responded to the area after a child initially saw the animal. Police contained him until zoo staff were able to retrieve the lemur.

Parent Chris Lee was in the parking lot to pick up his daughter from preschool when he heard one of the kids yell “lemur,” and he immediately knew it was the one that was missing.

Maki was first spotted by one of the kids in front of Lee’s car, apparently eating from a bush.

“I was not anticipating he would show up at a school, but when you think about it, Daly City and the San Francisco Zoo are pretty close,” Lee said.

READ MORE

Who steals a goddamn lemur, honestly? I love this story because I got to write the phrase “lemur on the lam” in a script.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (6-0) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-2)

Another week, another contender trying to take down the top team in the league. I may feel like starting every 49ers matchup preview with that line until they finally lose. This time, it’s C’s New Champ Team with lofty ambitions. Last week, both Gee and Chriss had big-point efforts from some players that hid how overall meh their lineups performed. Fortunately for both, some of their big names should bounce back. Josh Allen gets to explode against the Jets, while Ezekiel Elliott should run wild over Washington. However, those same players who nuked the opposition last week will not have as big of an impact this time. Derrick Henry is facing his biggest test in the tough Steelers defense. The same goes for Ryan Tannehill, though he’s been benched by Chriss in favor of Drew Brees. Still, no Justin Jefferson this week. But at least Chriss gets Chris Carson back from his bye. One potentially major negative impact could come with Allen Robinson’s production leading to Gee’s Rams defense not doing well, or vice-versa.

JOP SUEY!!! (4-2) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-3)

Calling it now — this is a playoff preview. I believe Jop Suey!!! and Sleeping Giants will end up being the 4/5 matchup when the season is over. So, what can we expect to see this week? Unfortunately for Dad, not Christian McCaffrey, who will likely miss another game and further devalue the first overall pick. Throw in Zach Ertz’s own injury and Dad is straight up not having a good time (especially that his son is higher than him in the standings). That all being said, Pat Mahomes, Calvin Ridley, and Kenny Golladay should do well, while David Montgomery and the 49ers defense could follow suit (or could crash and burn). That New England-San Francisco game will also have Taylor’s eyes on it for his own defense. He’s also eyeing better weeks from the likes of Davante Adams, Robert Woods, and Odell Beckham. Taylor also has to hope Alvin Kamara can come back from the bye week strong and Kyler Murray can produce against the Seahawks. If he gets that, Taylor can prevent Dad from matching 2019’s win total.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (6-0) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-5)

Congrats to Three Eyed Ravens on their first win of the season! Now, getting more than one win will be a bit more of a challenge, especially this week. Lamar Jackson, Jonathan Taylor, and Rodrigo Blankenship are all on byes. It doesn’t matter that seemingly every other player — Stefon Diggs, Julio Jones, Devin Singletary, and the Cowboys defense (seriously) — is in at the very least a savory matchup. EKEing Out The Win may not have to… well… eke out a win if Ewing doesn’t fix the holes in his lineup. Last week aside, Kyle has been able to stretch out his undefeated start despite scoring at best an average amount of points. This may be the case this week, with Deshaun Watson, Will Fuller, D.J. Moore, Kenyan Drake, James Robinson, T.J. Hockenson, and even the Washington defense in matchups I can’t really predict. They could all do extremely well or poorly. How the hell should I know? But it doesn’t really matter — Kyle will go to 7-0 because his opponent can’t provide a legit challenge. If only Ewing had a QB…

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (3-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4)

Given all that happened to my roster during the early part of the season, it’s astonishing that Orchids of Asia has a chance to get above .500 past the halfway point. The good news? I get Russell Wilson back — and against a terrible Cardinals defense. Robby Anderson, D’Andre Swift, and the Bills defense are all facing vulnerable opponents. But this doesn’t mean victory will be easy. Chase Claypool and George Kittle are up against rock solid defenses and Mark Ingram’s absence means I have to start — checks free agent list — Jalen Richard. There really aren’t any good RBs available. In addition to that constant thorn in my side, there’s a terrifying opponent in my way: a pissed off Aaron Rodgers. I get to look forward to Rodgers piling up the points for Footballdamus, along with DeAndre Hopkins and Mike Evans. Riez’s Steelers defense can also shut down A.J. Brown, while I’m sure David Johnson, Devonta Freeman, John Brown, and David Njoku have been waiting until they’re against me to throw up season high point totals.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-3) VS. DARTH RAIDER (1-5)

Pay attention to any prime time game of hyped up matchup this week and you’ll find something critical to the showdown between Gruden Grinders and Darth Raider. Thursday Night, Jimmy trots out Carson Wentz and Travis Fulgham against Arik’s Giants defense. Clearly, there are differing opinions on which shitty NFC East team to take advantage of. Then on Sunday, the big Steelers-Titans game sees Arik’s QB, Ben Roethlisberger, as well as T.J. Watt for Jimmy. Things will go bad for both if Tennessee somehow kicks Pittsburgh’s ass. On Sunday Night, Josh Jacobs returns to Jimmy’s lineup for a showdown with the Buccaneers. Arik doesn’t have anyone in this game, but his heart lies with the Raiders (hence his team’s name). Finally, Monday Night will have a focus on defense — specifically, Jimmy’s Bears defense. But in an interesting twist, Jimmy’s points could be compromised by Roquan Smith, who happens to be in Arik’s lineup. These prime time players shine some light on what is otherwise a meh matchup this week.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-6)

So who am I going for in the World Series? While I don’t particularly care who wins, I’m going to have to piss off Nick and choose the Tampa Bay Rays. Not only have they never won a title in their history, but this year the Rays took care of both the hated New York yankees and cheating Houston Astros. That service to society erases any negative feelings I have towards them as a fan of a division rival. Fuck the Astros for not only cheating, but daring to enter the conversation of the 2004 Boston Red Sox in coming back from a 0-3 deficit. Thankfully, Tampa Bay didn’t completely choke away the ALCS. But this all doesn’t mean I’ll be pissed if the Dodgers win. Los Angeles has been one of the best teams in baseball for decades, but failed to win the Fall Classic multiple times (especially in 2018). Them winning it all would be a well-deserved reward for their consistent, terrific play. That being said, I will stab the next person who mentions that the Red Sox traded Mookie Betts the Dodgers. I’m tired of crying whenever I watch him play.

ONE LAST THING

Last week, the first trailer for Sylvie’s Love was released. It’s part romance, part musical — the focus is on a married woman who, years after having a summer romance with a rising saxophone player, reconnects with him and discovers their feelings have not diminished. The film, which apparently wowed crowds and critics at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, will be released on Amazon on Christmas Day. As of this writing, it has a 100% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with critics heaping praise on the performances of and chemistry between the two leads — Tessa Thompson (Dear White People, Selma, Creed, Thor: Ragnarok, Men in Black: International) and Nnamdi Asomugha. 

Yes, that Nnamdi Asomugha. 

For those who don’t remember, Nnamdi Asomugha is arguably the greatest Raiders player since the turn of the millennium. That includes Charles Woodson, Khalil Mack, Rich Gannon, and Shane Lechler. Drafted by Oakland with the 31st overall pick in 2003, Asomugha suited up for the Silver and Black for eight seasons. During that time, he became one of the best shutdown CBs in the NFL, being named to three Pro Bowls and four All-Pro teams (two First-team, two Second-team) as well as both the USA Today and Fox Sports NFL 2000s All-Decade Team. He even collected a “Whizzer” White NFL Man of the Year award to go with several awards within the team. Then in 2011, Asomugha signed a five-year, $60M deal with the Philadelphia Eagles and fell off a cliff. His form in Philly was nowhere near where it had been in Oakland and he was released after just two seasons. He signed with the San Francisco 49ers for one year, but was waived before the end of the season. Some say had he stayed in Oakland, he would’ve been a member of the HOF. Three years after being considered one of the best — if not the best — DB in football, Asomugha signed a one-day contract to retire a Raider. Then he got into acting.

Asomugha’s acting adventures actually started while he was still in Oakland. He appeared in one episode of The Game, Friday Night Lights, and Leverage before landing his first film role in Fire with Fire. In addition, he made cameos on Funny or Die and Kroll Show. The latter happened the same year he married Kerry freaking Washington (they have two children). He got a nice spot as an executive producer for the critically acclaimed Beasts of No Nation. But his breakthrough came in 2017, when he produced and co-starred as Carl King in Crown Heights. Asomugha was nominated for several awards for his performance and named one of the breakout actors of the 2017 Sundance Film Festival. He’s also found success on Broadway, earning praise for his role as Private First Class Melvin Peterson (a role Denzel Washington originated in 1981) in the Pulitzer Prize-winning play A Soldier’s Play. 

Now, it seems Asomugha is set to reach a whole new size and audience with Sylvie’s Love. The film certainly has star power — along with Thompson (who has a legion of fans from her Marvel movies), Eva Longoria and Lance Reddick are also in the cast. It’s being distributed by Amazon and released on a major holiday — perfect for families wanting to watch something new from the comfort of their home. The film should also get plenty of attention for its great critical reception so far. Amazon will definitely market the hell out of it. 

If all goes well for the film, this could be the start of something big for Asomugha. To more than hold his own among those names in this kind of movie could lead to even bigger roles in the future. It’s clear that Asomugha has acting chops — now his career in entertainment could even surpass his football career, which would be insane.

I’ve never been a rom-com kind of person, but I’m definitely giving Sylvie’s Love a shot, if only for my boy Asomugha — one of the few bright spots during the Raiders’ dark age (which let me remind you is still going on).

Also, during my research I came across this photo from Asomugha’s retirement announcement. Look at the greatness on display — one HOFer in Willie Brown, one future HOFer in Charles Woodson, and one could’ve been HOFer in Asomugha. Give the Raiders all the shit they deserve, but the Silver and Black can produce some badass motherfuckers at DB. Let’s hope Johnathan Abram can join the Raiders’ iconic secondary list.

Speaking of Brown, yesterday was the one year anniversary of his death. In his honor, let us cry out “Old man Willie!” for old time’s sake.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness