Ruben's Writings

For the majority of league members, it seemed like an inevitability only delayed by hilarious incidents of choking. For San Francisco Giants fans, it was the hell that they feared. But for one of us — just one — it was the dream finally realized. 

Congrats, Nick. Your Los Angeles Dodgers have finally won the World Series.

The Dodgers have been the best baseball team for the better part of the past decade (the part that wasn’t dominated by the Giants). They’ve made three of the past four World Series, seen multiple players win awards like MVP and Cy Young, and were the top seed in the National League for a while now. But where it be because they happened to run into a team on a historic run (2016 and 2018), get screwed by cheaters (2017), encounter the team of destiny (2019), or get bad karma for purposely injuring one of their opponent’s best players (2015), the Dodgers always seemed to come up short. Of course, uncharacteristic mistakes (both on the field and in the dugout) contributed to those losses. But it always seemed like Los Angeles made too many smart moves, had too much talent, and spent too much money not to eventually win it all.

So what was different this year? There were some roster changes of course, although I can’t recall any notable trades the Dodgers pulled off that brought in MVP-level talent. Nope, can’t think of a single one. Not a one. At all. Anyway, those new additions provided the extra power to push Los Angeles past points where they would’ve crumbled in the past. Old Dodgers teams might’ve folded while down 3-1 against the Atlanta Braves or given into the momentum the Tampa Bay Rays got from the insane ending in Game 4 or failed to overcome the questionable decisions made by Boston Red Sox legend Dave Roberts. It seemed the Dodgers refused to lose, especially after what happened in 2017 and the lack of proper punishment against the Houston Astros. LA was on a mission and they succeeded. 

If I’m not mistaken (and if we don’t have any heathen lakers fans in our ranks), this is only the second newsletter that honors a league member’s favorite team winning the championship. The first was, of course, when my beloved Red Sox took it all against the Dodgers in 2018. I was in Los Angeles to witness it in person, terrified of becoming the next Brian Stow at the hands of unruly Dodgers fans. To my surprise, every Dodgers fan I interacted with was courteous and respectful, even after seeing their team lose the title. The Dodgers gained a special place in my heart that night. Even if I said I prefered a Tampa Bay Rays victory, I’m happy for those (recently) long suffering Dodgers fans to finally win it all. As a baseball fan, I’m also happy for guys like Clayton Kershaw, who can finally shed their (mostly unfair) labels as postseason chokers. It was a deserved triumph by a deserving team.

I truly wish I could end it there. I really do. But I can’t. While most Dodgers players and their fans deserve to have the focus solely be on the on-field accomplishment, all that anyone can talk about is what happened after the final out.

It was quite the shock to see FOX’s postgame coverage begin with a somber news alert, that Justin Turner had tested positive for COVID-19. The Dodgers found out during the game and pulled Turner from the lineup after the 7th inning, or according to Kyle as soon as Los Angeles was ahead enough to ensure victory. Turner, who was apparently told to remain isolated, even tweeted his displeasure at not being able to celebrate with his teammates on the field. However, that proved to not be accurate. Turner was, in fact, out on the field during the celebrations. He was running around — often maskless — hugging his teammates, touching the piece of metal being passed around by everyone, and posing next to his at-risk manager who battled his own health issues. All of this, by a guy who had literally just tested positive for coronavirus.

Am I taking crazy pills? Is this real life? Did this actually fucking happen?

The absurdity, ignorance, selfishness, and stupidity of what happened is simply beyond belief. That’s coming from a guy whose job forces him to find stories of coronavirus-related incidents. Turner was told to do the right thing and isolate, limiting the possibility of the virus spreading. It’s no different than what MLB has asked players to do all season, especially as the league moved to a bubble format for the playoffs. But because his team won and he had nothing left to lose, Turner decided to be selfish and do what he wanted, damn everyone else. The Dodgers let him run around and do normal things, despite, you know, having COVID-19, because they had been around each other for weeks and nothing bad had happened. Like so many before them, Los Angeles couldn’t see the potential consequences of their actions beyond their own desires.

This isn’t just about the Dodgers players, all of whom undoubtedly interacted with Turner after his positive test. It’s about the staff members and clubhouse workers who had no choice but to be exposed to someone with coronavirus. It’s the spouses, children, and other family members of Dodgers (and Rays) players who were exposed (a Tampa Bay player’s wife has already tested positive as well). It’s the fact that both teams are currently back in their home cities (because no one in baseball apparently knows what an incubation period means), meaning the World fucking Series has potential to be a superspreader event. They say baseball is America’s pastime, but I’d argue it’s a current reflection of America. There’s a reason we’re the country with the most infections and deaths, the only ones who were still dealing with the first wave when the second wave started, the only place where people refuse to wear masks, confusing minor inconvenience for enslavement. It’s because, for a hell of a lot of people, what matters to them is the only thing that matters. As long as they get what they want, everyone else can go to hell. 

Now, there are a number of questions. While the NHL and NBA bubbles were impenetrable, MLB’s bubble burst at the last moment. But what if it wasn’t? What if the Rays had won Game 6? Would Game 7 have been suspended, and if so for possibly weeks? How many people — players or not — will test positive (or worse) because of the Dodgers’ ignorance? What kind of discipline will Turner see for his rule breaking? It’s ironic that the Dodgers and their fans, who have spent the past year (rightfully) bitching about the Astros getting a light punishment for cheating the game, now are hoping for leniency for something they did that in my opinion is worse, something that went beyond the game. 

What should’ve been a seminal moment for the Dodgers and for baseball has become tainted by an inconceivable act of selfishness and ignorance. It’s a fitting way to end the 2020 season.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (7-0) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-3)

101.88 – 80.63

While Gee and other San Francisco Giants fans get to cry about the LA Dodgers winning the World Series (when their team has won three in the past 11 seasons), at least his fantasy football team didn’t disappoint him. The 49ers didn’t bring their A-game, but then again neither did C’s New Champ Team. Drew Brees (23 points) and Kareem Hunt (16 points) did well enough, but they ended up providing half of Chriss’ point total. That’s what happens when Chris Godwin and his 14 points are left on the bench in favor of CeeDee Lamb and his goose egg, Anthony Firsker’s hot hand goes cold, and Chris Carson gets injured and misses a significant portion of the points showcase that was the Seahawks-Cardinals game. Again, Gee’s roster wasn’t spectacular — Matt Prater (16 points) tied with Josh Allen for Gee’s most productive player. But Gee didn’t have to be perfect — the Rams defense (15 points), Derrick Henry 13 points), and Tyreek Hill (11 points) did enough to get him over the hump this week. 

JOP SUEY!!! (5-2) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-4)

137.00 – 104.50

Don’t look now — Jop Suey!!! is the hottest team in the league, closing the once-mighty gap between them and the top of the scoring race. Taylor’s guys were on fire once again this past weekend, with two particular standouts. Kyler Murray (38 points) and Davante Adams (31 points) dropped nukes on Sleeping Giants’ chances of winning and were far from the only heavy hitters. Antonio Gibson (18 points) and Alvin Kamara (14 points) provided solid support on the ground. Taylor had as many guys score 14+ points as he did score in single digits, putting up nearly 140 points despite Odell Beckham’s season-ending injury (although that may fuck him in the long run). Dad didn’t exactly have a terrible showing, either — the 49ers defense (17 points), Calvin Ridley (14 points), Harrison Butker (14 points), and Tee Higgins (13 points) did well enough. But when Pat Mahomes (12 points) didn’t go gangbusters, it was clear Dad was not going to win this one. Dad’s bad luck continues, while Taylor looks to be a contender. 

EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-0) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-6)

147.76 – 105.38

For those who didn’t pay attention to the transaction section or the group text, there was some bad blood going into this matchup. Kyle had been begging me to trade him Michael Thomas, but instead I sent him to Ewing, unaware that Three Eyed Ravens were playing EKEing Out The Win this past week. Apparently I pissed Kyle off, because his guys put up the highest point total any team has gotten so far this year. I also don’t know what’s more fucked up: Ewing ignoring the QB I sent him in the trade (Gardner Minshew) to pick up Justin Herbert, that decision ending up being the right one, Thomas not even playing again due to injury, or none of it mattering because Kyle laid absolute waste to Ewing’s lineup? Herbert (38 points) was Ewing’s only player to post double digits, which was the opposite problem Kyle had. James Robinson (27 points), Deshaun Watson (24 points), D.J. Moore (21 points) the Football team defense (17 points), and Giovani Bernard (15 points) outscored Ewing by themselves. Kyle was out for blood and he got it.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-3) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-5)

112.92 – 100.56

Despite the final score being a double digit difference, this one was by far the biggest nailbiter of the week. Footballdamus got off to a rocky start with Devonta Freeman’s goose egg, which ended up being negated by Chase Claypool’s negative contribution to Orchids of Asia. Riez had an unexpected boost from Tyler Boyd (17 points), but that was followed by A.J. Brown (21 points) going off — and knocking down the Steelers defense’s point total — and the Bills defense (14 points) getting its shit together towards the end. However, Riez jumped into the lead thanks to Aaron Rodgers (27 points) returning to form and solid efforts from David Johnson (12 points) and Darren Waller (11 points). It came down to Sunday Night, with Riez slightly ahead and DeAndre Hopkins still to play. Hopkins (14 points) played incredibly well. But in the end, Russell Wilson (32 points) is both my and the NFL MVP so far and got me my first winning streak this year. It’s a good thing Riez left the Chiefs defense (24 points) on the bench, or I’d have been fucked!

GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-3) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (1-6)

130.56 – 75.92

Man, what the hell has happened to Darth Raider? Back then, Arik’s guys were putting up a fight in spite of the unfairly potent offenses they were facing each week. Now? They just lay down and die. So was the case this past week, when only Ben Roethlisberger (15 points) and Clyde Edwards-Helaire (12 points) bothered to show up. Almost everyone else was a disappointment, although it probably wouldn’t have mattered. Once again, Arik was up against one of the week’s highest-scoring lineups, in this case Gruden Grinders. Jimmy threw Carson Wentz (28 points) back into the starter’s role and was rewarded. Jamaal Williams (17 points) did well in Aaron Jones’ absence. Both the Bears defense (11 points) and T.J. Watt (12 points) had some solid contributions. But of course the big story was Tyler Lockett dropping a 38-point bomb out of fucking nowhere. Lockett alone scored more than half of Arik’s total points. That’s not good news for a team that was once high-scoring and now may already be getting too far behind.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-7)

122.76 – 39.52

Well, it seems Nick’s probably walking around right now like he’s got a dick the size of the strike zone while the Dodgers are pitching. His favorite team won the World Series and Dixie Normous beat the absolute living fuck out of The Krispy Kritters. But the latter is like making a better managerial decision than Dave Roberts (still love you for the steal in 2004). It’s so easy to do you should be slapped if you fail. Hell, Richard had six guys put up goose eggs (four of them were not playing). Nick could’ve sat Tom Brady (38 points), Todd Gurley (20 points), and Zane Gonzalez (16 points) and still won by around ten points. But before I go spreading negativity like Justin Turner is probably spreading COVID-19 to his teammates, I must acknowledge what has come to pass. I have (mostly rightfully) given Nick plenty of shit over the years. But today is his day — his winning streak and baseball team’s success have him on Cloud 9. Instead of the usual meme, I will simply place a picture of Clayton Kershaw holding up a piece of metal below.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (7-0)
2. EKEing Out The Win (7-0)
3. Jop Suey!!! (5-2)
4. Dixie Normous (4-3)
5. C’s New Champ Team (4-3)
6. Orchids of Asia (4-3)
7. Gruden Grinders (4-3)
8. Sleeping Giants (3-4)
9. Footballdamus (2-5)
10. Darth Raider (1-6)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1-6)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-7)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (855.82)
2. Jop Suey!!! (830.30)
3. EKEing Out The Win (784.10)
4. Footballdamus (771.90)
5. Darth Raider (766.04)
6. Dixie Normous (761.50)
7. C’s New Champ Team (731.18)
8. Orchids of Asia (721.32)
9. Gruden Grinders (709.22)
10. Sleeping Giants (700.16)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (678.48)
12. The Krispy Kritters (569.84)

END OF AN ERA (FINALLY)?

Have we finally reached it? Is this finally the moment we’ve been waiting 20 years for? Can we finally, finally say it? 

The New England Patriots are… bad?

They certainly didn’t look good on Sunday, when they were dominated by a depleted San Francisco 49ers squad on their own turf. In his fifth game as a Patriot, Cam Newton threw for fewer than 100 yards while recording three INTs. Tom Brady had two such games in his 20-year tenure in New England. It got so ugly, Newton was replaced by Jarrett Stidham, who completes a pass about as often as Stephen Gostkowski makes FGs. The defense also lost a lot of talen in the offseason — those losses are starting to become noticable. The Patriots are 2-4, two games under .500 and closer to the 0-7 New York Jets than the AFC East-leading Buffalo Bills.

So what the hell happened? Newton went from being able to go toe-to-toe with Russell Wilson to being unable to outscore a team that couldn’t get into the end zone. Is it his past injuries coming back to bite him? Is it some new injury we don’t know about? I say it’s a bit of both, but not how you’d think. As we all know, Newton contracted COVID-19 a few weeks ago. He’s since been cleared and has played without more positive tests. But not testing positive for coronavirus doesn’t mean the virus is no longer impacting you. Jacksonville Jaguars RB Ryquell Armstead was placed on the reserve/COVID list in the offseason. Since then, he’s dealt with respiratory issues, been hospitalized twice, and looks like he will miss the rest of the season. I don’t think Newton has fully recovered from the virus. There’s a lot we still don’t know about COVID-19, but long-term effects definitely appear to be a bitch. This is legitimately the only way I can account for the drastic drop in Newton’s play.

But even if Newton was balling the fuck out, he’d be single-handedly draffing the Patriots to success. At the end of Sunday’s game, New England’s offense was without both its starting OGs and N’Keal Harry. The Patriots’ usual RB committee is being more mediocre individually than usual. Ever since setting a career high in receiving yards against the Seattle Seahawks (thanks for helping me get the win that week), Julian Edelman has been a shell of his former self — it’s clear he’s nursing at least one injury. The defense no longer has the depth to make up for the depleted offense as it had done over the past couple of years. 

At 2-4, it doesn’t look like the remaining schedule will be kind to the Patriots. Up next are the Bills (who will be out for blood) and — after a bye week against the Jets — the Baltimore Ravens. The Los Angeles Rams, Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Chargers, and Bills (again) are also on the calendar. It’s not only possible for New England to finish with fewer than ten wins for the first time since 2002 (Jesus fucking Christ), but for them to record double digit losses for the first time in 20 years. For the first time in recent memory, the Patriots are not a good football team.

Let’s be honest, the Patriots haven’t looked good since their last win more than a month ago. It was also their only win by more than ten points all year. What kind of sorry ass team gets their ass kicked by this overcooked New England squad? 

Who the fuck do you think? 

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

That’s what we do coming off a bye week? Really?

While the final score doesn’t exactly show how close of a game it was, the contest wasn’t as close as the four-point 4th quarter deficit showed. Turns out, Tampa Bay has a really good defense, good enough to completely shut down the Raiders’ running game. For Derek Carr and the passing attack to keep Las Vegas in it was completely admirable, especially since the Buccaneers got tons of pressure on the QB. But whether it was due to Tampa Bay’s legitimately stout defense, an off day for the running game, or the whole Trent Brown/COVID-19 shit/injuries thing, Josh Jacobs was nowhere to be found. Jalen Richard’s 24 yards in garbage time were good enough to lead the Raiders in rushing. Carr had the second-most with 19 — two more than Jacobs. Las Vegas had 76 total rushing yards. That’s not going to win a lot of games.

That’s especially true with the utter dogshit defense dressed up in Silver and Black. There have been injuries and this unit wasn’t particularly top-rated before. Whatever ability Paul Guenther had as the Cincinnati Bengals’ defensive coordinator has either completely eroded or been overpowered by the lack of any non-Maxx Crosby player getting pressure on the QB. It’s time for him to go and it’s beyond time for the Raiders to actually draft a good defensive lineman (I’m not including Clelin Ferrell because he was a reach and a half — we could’ve had Ed Oliver or Devin Bush or Christian Wilkins). Las Vegas is through the toughest part of their schedule — although the Browns may have extended that stretch (we’ll see how Odell Beckham’s season-ending injury will impact their potent offense). Cleveland is the exact kind of team the Raiders are fighting against for a spot in the playoffs. But until the defense actually holds opponents to under 30 points in a game, I’m not holding out much hope.

Fuck the Buccaneers. Fuck Tom Brady. Fuck Antonio Brown. 

RIGHT TUA, WRONG TIME?

I can’t remember a hypothetical moment that has been predicted and hyped up as much as Tua Tagovailoa becoming the starting QB for the Miami Dolphins. Miami has been terrible for the past couple of years, during which time Tagovailoa became one of the best QB prospects in the country, only beaten out by a guy who literally had the greatest season by a QB in college football history. Remember “Tank for Tua”? It was only because of Joe Burrow that the Dolphins’ unexpected winning towards the end of last season didn’t fuck over their multi-year mission to get Tagovailoa on the team. 

After taking Tagovailoa fifth overall in April, Miami seemed to have set up the perfect scenario to develop the young QB, who was recovering from a major hip injury. Tagovailoa got to heal up while sitting behind one of the smartest QBs ever in Ryan Fitzpatrick. What’s more, Fitzpatrick has unexpectedly led the Dolphins to become a surprising force, going toe-to-toe with the Seattle Seahawks and Buffalo Bills while beating the living shit out of the San Francisco 49ers. Miami suddenly had an outside shot to make the playoffs, which would give even more time for Tagovailoa to learn and rest up. In fact, the Dolphins used the garbage time of the 49ers ass whooping to give Tagovailoa some playing experience.

Well, that must’ve been the best 2/2, nine-yard passing performance in NFL history, because Miami decided to make the future the present and promote Tagovailoa to the starter’s role. His first game at the helm will be on Sunday against the Los Angeles Rams.

No, I don’t get it either.

It’s clear that the 22-year-old Tagovailoa — not the 37-year-old Fitzpatrick — is the franchise star and will be for years to come. It’s clear that a plan to name Tagovailoa the starter during the bye week (to give him an extra week to prepare) was formed before the season started. But what’s also clear is the Dolphins not expecting Fitzpatrick to ball the fuck out or coronavirus-related fuckery to move their bye week from Week 11 to Week 7. Still, Miami is sticking with their plan, choosing the dangerous option to fuck with a hot team with good chemistry. Sure, Tagovailoa has the higher ceiling and could put them over the top. But he can also have typical rookie struggles and wreck a promising season, destroying locker room chemistry in the process.

That last bit may already be happening, at least with the former starting QB. Apparently, Fitzpatrick wasn’t expecting to be benched and found out about the move from his sons (who saw it on social media), not from head coach Brian Flores. Fitzpatrick said he was “heartbroken” about the demotion, giving a surprisingly candid and open interview for someone with his experience and reputation. Fitzpatrick has a point — he’s pretty much been as good as he possibly could be and got benched anyway in the middle of a winning streak. 

There are also questions related to Tagovailoa’s first opponent. It’d be one thing if the Dolphins were facing the New York Jets or Cincinnati Bengals. But the first defense Tagovailoa and his recovered hip will be facing as a starting QB will be that of the Los Angeles Rams, who are coming off a beatdown of the Chicago Bears. The Rams have already proven they don’t care about feel good stories, having sacked Alex Smith six times after he returned to the field for the first time since his life-threatening broken leg/infection. Aaron Donald’s lone goal will be making Tagovailoa’s life a living hell. Even if Tagovailoa somehow lives, Miami won’t likely win, meaning the confidence of the team will be shaken.

Tagovailoa is the future of the Dolphins and clearly has the higher ceiling. But one too many road bumps in his early career could cut the height of that ceiling. Miami has done such a good job of providing their young star the perfect learning opportunity. It seems like this move could potentially threaten all of their hard work and years of sucking. Don’t fuck it up when you’re so close to the finish line!

Of course, Tagovailoa could ball the fuck out and make all of this a moot point. Fitzpatrick still got done dirty, though.

STAT OF THE WEEK

I’m waiting until the end of the year to see how the NFC East finishes, but the season’s final newsletter will include a Top 10 list of the worst divisions in NFL history. History is often quickly forgotten, so the 2020 NFC East isn’t a lock for No. 1. But goddamn is it a contender. The Philadelphia Eagles — injured to complete and utter hell apart from Carson Wentz — will likely hobble their way to a home playoff game against a 10-win team (please please please let it be the Chicago Bears). The Washington Football Team could threaten for the title if Kyle Allen somehow can play consistently well and their defense could stop killing QBs (shoutout to Ron Rivera for kicking cancer’s ass). The New York Giants, with their injured star RB and fast but clumsy QB allegedly partying during the pandemic, are somehow in the thick of the race. The Dallas Cowboys — by virtue of their injured QB(s), terrible locker room situation, and defense that somehow makes the 2020 Raiders look like the 1985 Bears — may be the only team you can count out at the moment. Even their defensive coordinator is getting his ass kicked by tabasco sauce. We’re just under halfway through the season. I can’t wait to see the NFL’s first double digit-loss playoff team.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN THREE WEEKS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 14TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 16 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

You won’t be able to dodge this ray of sunshine. Ruben, remember to change this to sometime team-specific so you won’t look like a fucking idiot.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 29, 1979, the Seattle Seahawks made their Monday Night Football debut, facing the Atlanta Falcons in a forgotten classic filled with trickery and chaos. Both teams were 3-5, but the Falcons were favored, and not just because Atlanta had just been named the homicide capital of the country (the city’s 200th murder happened just hours before kickoff). The Falcons looked like they would prove everyone right early — Lynn Cain broke off a 35-yard TD run and Rick Byas took a blocked Seahawks punt back to the end zone to put Atlanta up 14-0 early in the 2nd quarter. Seattle’s next drive ended with a 4th and 5 at Atlanta’s 34-yard line, but there was no punt or FG. Instead, Jim Zorn took a QB draw untouched into the end zone to make it 14-7. After a Falcons punt, the Seahawks tied the game with a short pass to Sherman Smith. No one expected what happened next — an onside kick from Efren Herrera that Seattle recovered. On the ensuing drive, the Seahawks lined up for what looked like a 55-yard FG attempt. Instead, Herrera, all 5’9″ 185 lbs. of him, faked his kick and was on the receiving end of a 20-yard pass that produced a 1st down. Dan Doornick capped off the drive and its crazy bullshit with a TD run to put Seattle up 21-14 going into halftime. After a 3rd quarter that featured a Herrera FG (and a failed fake punt from the Seahawks), the Falcons fought back thanks to Steve Bartkowski TD pass to Billy Ryckman. But even after a fumble by Zorn, Seattle’s defense held strong and Doornick added another TD to make it 31-21 with two minutes remaining. But the craziness wasn’t over — Atlanta cut the lead to 31-28 with another Bartkowski-Ryckman connection and 

Tim Mazzetti’s own onside kick gave the Falcons an unexpected chance. With 33 seconds left, Atlanta had marched down to Seattle’s three-yard line. But in true Falcons fashion, Bartkowski was picked off in the endzone by Keith Butler, giving Seattle the win. The Seahawks being unable to play a normal game and the Falcons choking — some things never change. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2014 — The San Francisco Giants defeat the Kansas City Royals 3-2 in Game 7 of the World Series, earning their third title in five years.
• 2008 — Delta Air Lines merges with Northwest Airlines, creating the world’s largest airline.
• 2008 — The Philadelphia Phillies defeat the Tampa Bay Rays 4-3 in Game 5 of the World Series to win just their second title ever. The Rays, as it turns out, had to wait 12 years to get their first. This was the only game in World Series history to be postponed (it began two days earlier) due to weather.
• 2004 —  Al Jazeera broadcasts an excerpt from a video in which Osama bin Laden admits direct responsibility for the September 11, 2001 attacks.
• 1998 — Hurricane Mitch, the second deadliest Atlantic hurricane in history, makes landfall in Honduras.
• 1998 — John Glenn becomes him the oldest person to go into space.
• 1991 — The Galileo spacecraft becomes the first probe to visit an asteroid.
• 1972 — The three surviving perpetrators of the Munich massacre are released from prison in exchange for the hostages of hijacked Lufthansa Flight 615.
• 1971 — Duane Allman, founder and leader of the Allman Brothers Band, is killed in a motorcycle accident.
• 1969 — The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet.
• 1961 — Syria exits from the United Arab Republic.
• 1960 — An airplane carrying the Cal Poly football team crashes on takeoff in Toledo, killing 22 people — including 16 players.
• 1960 — Cassius Clay wins his first professional fight.
• 1929 — The New York Stock Exchange crashes on “Black Tuesday,” beginning the Great Depression.
• 1923 — Turkey becomes a republic following the dissolution of the Ottoman Empire.
• 1922 — Benito Mussolini is appointed Prime Minister of Italy.
• 1921 — In one of the biggest upsets in college football history, Centre College ends Harvard’s 25-game winning streak with a 6-0 victory.
• 1901 — Leon Czolgosz, the assassin of President William McKinley, is executed.
• 1792 — Mount Hood in Oregon is named after Samuel Hood, 1st Viscount Hood.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1988 — Janoris Jenkins, New Orleans Saints CB.
• 1987 — Andy Dalton, Dallas Cowboys QB (still feels weird to say).
• 1972 — Gabrielle Union, actress best known for being the wife of Dwyane Wade (who is apparently the power bottom in the relationship).
• 1971 — Winona Ryder, actress best known for a lot of things.
• 1970 — Edwin van der Sar, decorated former soccer player whose save won the 2008 UEFA Champions League for Manchester United.
• 1961 — Randy Jackson (not that one), singer and member of The Jackson 5.
• 1953 — Denis Potvin, four-time Stanley Cup-winning defenseman and hockey legend.
• 1947 — Richard Dreyfuss, actor best known for his roles in several hit movies during the 70’s and 80’s.
• 1942 — Bob Ross, iconic painter and TV host.

DEATHS:

• 1971 — Duane Allman, founder and leader of the Allman Brothers Band.
• 1911 — Joseph Pulitzer, newspaper publisher whose endowment to Columbia University led to the creation of the Pulitzer Prizes.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Cat Day! It’s the perfect excuse to look at a bunch of cute cat photos, watch some funny cat videos, and reflect on how you’re all a bunch of pussies

.THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

WOMAN CREATES BABY YODA FROM 451-POUND PUMPKIN

DUBLIN, Ohio –Maki, a ring-tailed lemur stolen from its enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo, was found ThursNow in her 32nd year of creating giant celebrity pumpkins, artist Jeanette Paras, of Dublin, Ohio, decided to venture this Halloween to a galaxy far, far away.

On her pumpkin porch this year is “Baby YodaKin,” based on Baby Yoda, or The Child, from the Star Wars spinoff Mandalorian.

Paras steered away from spotlighting political figures during an election year. She said that Baby Yoda, like the wise Jedi master Yoda, represents tranquility in a world roiled by a pandemic and seemingly endless bad news.

“I want people to look at Baby YodaKin, smile, appreciate his cuteness and enjoy a moment away from everything going on in the world today,” Paras said in a news release. ”To me, Baby YodaKin represents the mental-health break we need.”

Paras said she also considered “pumpkinizing” the coronavirus, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Anthony Fauci, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and others.

READ MORE

THE MANDALORIAN SEASON TWO HYPE!!! Cannot fucking wait.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 “SCARIEST” NFL UNIFORMS

Given this year’s World Series schedule, this week’s theme had to be about baseball’s champion. Given that the election is next week, the upcoming theme has to be about that. Unfortunately, this means one newsletter tradition won’t make it to its usual glory. For the first time ever, there will not be a Halloween-themed newsletter. It’s a necessary decision, but a sad one for sure. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and generally a fun topic to throw onto some football.

But just because Halloween isn’t the theme doesn’t mean it can’t be part of the newsletter. Each Halloween, I focus on a certain aspect of the spooky season. Two years ago, it was horror/horror films. Last year, it was monsters. This year, I’ve decided to take a look at costumes — perhaps my non-candy favorite thing about the holiday. When it comes to football, costumes are a huge part of everyday action. Wearing a certain type of jersey or uniform combination can be intimidating or at least aesthetically pleasing. The Baltimore Ravens’ all-black getup is a classic. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ new uniform design (especially the all-pewter look) is going to be remembered for a while. Of course, when it comes to beauty and intimidation, the Las Vegas Raiders have all other football teams beaten. 

Then, there’s the other kind of scary uniforms — the ones you never want to look at again. Any graphic designer or fashion critic looking at these will run away in fear or throw up in disgust. These are the ones that pop up once and never come back, the ones you swear were just an urban legend. But then you see a photo of them and are reminded of the horror. Prepare for a lot of throwbacks, color disasters, and stuff from 1994 and 2009. These are the ugliest, worst, most disgusting, scariest uniforms to ever grace a NFL field.

HONORABLE MENTION: DOLPHINS ORANGE TOPS

I’ve never been a big fan of the Miami Dolphins’ color scheme, but they usually work if the blue or white are emphasized. When orange is the focus, it’s never a good look. The orange jersey, white pants combination is never a winner, but it’s leagues better than the all-bright orange look the Dolphins put together on a Color Rush night. Just stick to white and aqua blue every time.

HONORABLE MENTION: COLOR RUSH EVERYTHING

In general, Color Rush was a good idea which was badly executed. Occasionally there would be something good, but usually it was awkward color emphasis or all-white combos that looked like regular away uniforms. It didn’t help that the teams couldn’t change helmes, meaning the teams rarely were able to completely match everything, defeating the whole purpose of Color Rush. 

HONORABLE MENTION: RAMS 2020 REBRAND

How do you fuck up a white uniform? It’s technically “bone,” but the team patch is white, creating an unnecessary contrast. Screwing up the most basic look just scratches the surface of how badly the Los Angeles Rams did with their 2020 rebrand. One of the NFL’s most historic teams (in the second-biggest U.S. market) plays in something better suited to being practice uniforms. 

10. BUCCANEERS CREAMSICLES

There’s been a bizarre attempt to rewrite history when it came to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ original look. Some people are saying the bright orange, red, and white was actually good all along. Don’t let this propaganda sway you away from the truth: these uniforms are trash. It doesn’t help that these uniforms are forever associated with futility. The Buccaneers went 0-14 in 1976 and 0-26 to begin their history in these threads. It seems the franchise’s fortunates finally began trending upwards as soon as Tampa Bay threw the “creamsicles” in the trash.

9. SEAHAWKS LIME GREEN VESTS

Because they’re different and therefore better than everyone else, the Seattle Seahawks like to flash the lime green part of their logo. They’ve recently given “Action Green” it’s own Color Rush-style uniform, which looks like three shades different based on how you look at it. All of these bright, nuclear waste-colored atrocities deserve their own special place, but the spoiled cream of the crop goes to the 2009 edition, which honored the MLS expansion Seattle Sounders’ look. I guess that explains why it looked like they were wearing lime green vests. But it still sucks.

8. RAVENS MUSTARD PANTS

It’s astounding how the Baltimore Ravens, home of some of the most aesthetically pleasing uniform combinations in NFL history, decided that gold/mustard-colored pants were a good idea. The Ravens only wore the pants for one game in 2015, but they’ve made a lasting impact on uniform aficionados ever since. They just look so bizarre in contrast to the traditional black and purple colors for the team. At least the Ravens realized they fucked up. Aside from sweeping the Pittsburgh Steelers, 2015 was a year to forget for Baltimore — dijon mustard pants included.

7. JAGUARS COLOR RUSH

If you wondered how those pants would look like as a full uniform, look no further than that same season, when the Jacksonville Jaguars trotted out an “all-gold” Color Rush getup. The fact that Jacksonville’s questionable gold/black gradient was the least offensive part of this combination is frightening. Seriously, could the Jaguars have chosen a color that didn’t look like the dark shade of urine that indicates someone is dehydrated? I think the fact that this uniform was worn by the Blake Bortles-led Jaguars adds even more meme-ability to this awful fashion disaster. 

6. BRONCOS AFL THROWBACKS

In 2009, the Denver Broncos honored the 50th anniversary of the AFL by bringing back their original uniforms. Unfortunately for literally everyone, those uniforms were brown and mustard yellow with striped socks. The color and design match my general thoughts of the Broncos. I’m not sure which was worse, the yellow or white combination. Fun fact: when Denver originally changed to an orange and blue scheme, the team burned their brown and yellow equipment. Why the Broncos decided these were worthy of replicating is honestly well beyond me.  

5. STEELERS BUMBLEBEE THROWBACKS

The Pittsburgh Steelers have one of the iconic uniform designs in sports and have put forth some awesome throwbacks in the past. This was not the case in 2012, when the Steelers decided to mark their 80th anniversary by honoring the 1934 Pittsburgh Pirates football team. Unfortunately for everyone with eyes, that meant creating a uniform with black and yellow jail stripes and squares to fit every additional number. It was just a huge collection of bad decisions. Incredibly, these fucking ugly jerseys aren’t the worst throwback choice Pittsburgh has ever made.

4. STEELERS 1994 THROWBACKS

That honor goes to… whatever the fuck this was. To mark the NFL’s 75th anniversary, several teams created special throwback uniforms. The Pittsburgh Steelers instead decided to make some striped abomination that looked like European soccer jersey mixed with the NFL’s version of MLB’s Turn Ahead the Clock campaign. The weird thing that looks like a demon prince’s face is actually the Pittsburgh city crest. Why they decided to surround that with unusually-angled stripes and thought this was all a good idea are questions that will never be answered. 

3. BEARS 1994 THROWBACKS

Somehow, some way the Chicago Bears saw the uniforms above and thought “we can do worse.” The two jerseys are remarkably similar, with their bizarre stripe pattern and jersey number on the right shoulder. But the Bears get the ugly nod for some small differences. Whereas the other jerseys had a crest in the middle, Chicago’s don’t, giving no reason for why the jersey number can’t be front and center like every other uniform. Plus, orange and blue don’t go nearly as well together as black and yellow. The Bears’ QB history is less disgusting than these jerseys.

2. PACKERS THROWBACKS ALTOGETHER

The Green Bay Packers have put together several different old school throwback ideas in recent history. Almost all of them have missed the mark. There was the yellow shoulder and helmet combo, which has been used in a few separate ways. There were the brown helmet ones that paid tribute to the “leatherhead” era. But for me, the worst combination the Packers have put together was the 2001 throwback (pictured above) that looked like a poor ripoff of Notre Dame. This is a placeholder for any time Green Bay deviates from the iconic green and yellow look. 

BONUS: NO. 2 MEETS NO. 3

While researching this list, I came across might be the aesthetically ugliest game in NFL history. In 1994, on Halloween of all days, the Chicago Bears (in their god awful throwbacks) and Green Bay Packers (in a somehow worse version of the yellow shoulder jerseys) squared off in a rare battle of teams wearing canvas pants. The fact that it was rainy and muddy didn’t help much (at least it covered up the uniforms a little bit). The Monday Night Football showdown was ugly all around, as the Packers used a strong running game to roll all over the Bears 33-6.

1. EAGLES 2007 THROWBACKS

The Philadelphia Eagles’ Kelly green jerseys are in my opinion the best non-Raiders uniform in NFL history. The Eagles’ 2007 baby blue and yellow throwback jerseys are in my opinion the worst uniform ever put out on a football field. The colors looked terrible together and generally made it tough to make out the numbers and names on the jerseys. Eagles fans may have a soft spot for these, but I think they’ve taken one too many batteries to the head. Quickly, someone fetch a picture of those sexy Kelly green uniforms to make me forget about this nightmare.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (7-0) VS. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-3)

So, who’s the next sucker to try and fail to take down the top team in the league? It’s — checks schedule — oh god damn it. Well, for Orchids of Asia to be the one in a potential 7-1 record for 49ers, a few key matchups will have to play out in certain ways. One such game is Bills-Patriots, with Josh Allen (Gee), Devin Singletary (me), and Buffalo’s defense (me) all in action. For my lineup, the 49ers-Seahawks tilt will also be crucial, with Russell Wilson, Brandon Aiyuk, and George Kittle needing to be key contributors. Then there’s the pair of Titans — Derrick Henry (Gee) and A.J. Brown (me) — who will look to roll over the Bengals. Of course, it all starts tonight with Falcons-Panthers, which will see Robby Anderson (me) and Mike Davis (Gee) fight for production, a battle which could potentially include Christian McCaffrey. But it won’t end until Monday Night, when Lavonte David is my lone warrior in Buccaneers-Giants, while Gee has Tampa Bay’s defense, Evan Engram, and Blake Martinez. I’ll be glued to the TV for sure.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-3)

EKEing Out The Win has been, well, eking out wins all season long. But Kyle’s perfect start has all the makings of ending this weekend. An insane combination of luck has Kyle’s additions coming back to haunt him. The players on Kyle’s roster who are on a bye this week include Deshaun Watson, Kenyan Drake (who’s also injured), Chase Edmonds, James Robinson, and Will Fuller. Trying to fill those holes are the likes of Joe Burrow and Giovanni Bernard, both going up against one of the top teams in the league. Yahoo! predicts Kyle to only get just over 80 points, which if anything is good luck considering how wrong the predictions usually are. But then there’s the Dixie Normous lineup, consisting of Tom Brady, Ronald Jones, Keenan Allen, Jonnu Smith, Todd Gurley, and the Eagles defense — all in tasty matchups. What’s more, Nick also has Joe Mixon, the starter who will get more carries than Bernard. While it’s always foolish to pick against Kyle, I would be astounded if his winning streak continues into November.

JOP SUEY!!! (5-2) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-3)

Has anyone else noticed that the six teams in the top half of the standings are playing each other this weekend? Jop Suey!!! and C’s New Champ Team complete the schedule with a matchup that could determine who has an easy road to the postseason. However, both Taylor and Chriss’ lineups won’t be at full strength. Both will be missing their starting QBs, with Chriss replacing Drew Brees with Ryan Tannehill and Taylor swapping Kyler Murray for Teddy Bridgewater. But even considering how important the QB position is, it’s likely that the middle of the lineup will play the biggest factor. Davante Adams is coming off a huge game, one Taylor would love for him to replicate, especially with Alvin Kamara against one of the best defenses in football. The Patriots defense could also be in trouble against the Bills, while Chriss’ Titans defense shouldn’t have a problem against the Bengals. But Chriss can’t afford another bad game from Ezekiel Elliott, especially with questions surrounding some of his other players.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-5)

Given that the Top 6 teams are facing each other this weekend, the same must also be true for the Bottom 6 teams. Given their record, it’s kind of unfair for Gruden Grinders to be put down there. But you have to score points, something that could be a challenge for Jimmy again this week. Josh Jacobs and Henry Ruggs were disappointing last weekend and the Browns are no slouch. The Bears defense will be tested by the Saints’ strong offense. Tyler Lockett will go into by far his toughest matchup of the season. It’s tough to count on anyone in the NFC East to do something special, even Carson Wentz and Travis Fulgham going up against the Cowboys. As for Footballdamus, Darren Waller faces the same question as Ruggs and Jacobs, while the Steelers defense could be challenged by the Ravens. Mike Evans and Aaron Rodgers should do well for Riez, though. This matchup could also be swayed by two RBs who have at least a nonzero chance of returning from injury — Aaron Jones (Jimmy) and Dalvin Cook (Riez).

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-6)

Both Sleeping Giants and Three Eyed Ravens need some breaks to turn around their season, but they also need to take some risks. Dad could get his biggest break yet if Christian McCaffrey finally returns to the lineup tonight. If he doesn’t, Dad will likely be forced to rely on Alexander Mattison (who will be on Dalvin Cook watch) or Leonard Fournette (part of a backfield by committee). Dad will also have to hope Pat Mahomes can torch the Jets as expected, the 49ers defense can contain the Seahawks’ red hot offense, and Diontae Johnson finally gets consistent production. As for Ewing, Lamar Jackson finally returns from a bye. But I wonder, given that Jackson is in a tough matchup against the Steelers, would Ewing be better served by riding the hot hand of Justin Herbert against the Broncos? There’s no way Ewing would sit the reigning MVP and his own team’s starting QB in a rivalry game. But those few extra points Herbert could get may prove to be the difference between his season officially sleeping away or not.

DARTH RAIDER (1-6) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-7)

What in the everloving fuck was Kevin Cash thinking taking out Blake Snell during Game 6? I know the Rays have prided themselves in trusting analytics and going to the bullpen ahead of the third time through the lineup. But this isn’t even about analytics — it was just fucking stupid. Snell, a Cy Young-winning pitcher, was absolutely dealing and had only given up two hits and thrown 73 pitches. Historically, he’s been as good or better during the third time against the first three batters, who were 0-6 against him that day. A.J. Hinch took out Zack Greinke too early last year and promptly lost the World Series. Joe Maddon nearly blew it by taking Kyle Hendricks out too early in 2016. Cash replaced his ace with a guy who had given up at least one run in his last six appearances and promptly gave up Tampa Bay’s lead. This is the worst managerial decision since Grady Little left Pedro Martinez in too long in 2003 and Dusty Baker gave the game ball to Russ Ortiz in 2002. We need more pitchers doing deep into games in the playoffs.

ONE LAST THING

Remember how I ended the “On this day in NFL history” section about the Seahawks-Falcons game from 1979? “The Seahawks being unable to play a normal game and the Falcons choking — some things never change.” Guess what? I wrote that before this past weekend’s games, which saw Seattle lose a batshit crazy game to the Arizona Cardinals and Atlanta find an innovative way to blow a late lead to the Detroit Lions. I want to talk about both of these true stereotypes so much more, but I’m running out of room in this newsletter. I really want to go in-depth on the absurd games the Seahawks seemingly always find themselves in (especially under Pete Carroll) and the Falcons’ long history of heartbreaking losses (especially within the past five years). But I don’t know exactly which one to pick.

That’s where you lovely ladies come in. I have no idea what I’m going to do for my “Ruben’s Rankings” Top 10 list next week. I can’t predict what the coming week will bring us (except for likely one of the two scenarios described above). I could base it on the theme of the week, but given that it will be “election” due to the 2020 Presidential Election happening Tuesday (VOTE, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!) I can’t imagine coming up with something not controversial. So I thought I’d plan ahead. 

My Top 10 list next week will either be about the abnormal Seahawks or the choking Falcons. But it will be up to you to pick which one. Yes, I am once again asking for your help with newsletter content. I know this request will probably go about as well as Bernie Sanders’ 2020 campaign (that made me sad), but I am what you would like to call “stubborn.” Go into the group chat and let me know by the end of Sunday night which Top 10 list you want me to make — just text either “Falcons” or “Seahawks.” 

One thing about each choice — I will not be including Super Bowls. That means 28-3 will not be on the list of Atlanta choke jobs (it too easily would be named No. 1 and I already went through it in Week 3) and neither Seattle’s absurd blowout of the Denver Broncos nor their failure to give Marshawn Lynch the ball on the one-yard line will be on their list. I’ve got to give myself some sort of challenge, plus it will uncover some history you may have forgotten or not know about. I guess this is our own election, after all.

This is going to go horribly, isn’t it?

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness