Ruben's Writings

See this guy?

That’s John King. He, not Joe Biden or Donald Trump, is the real winner of the 2020 Presidential Election. King is the CNN anchor in charge of breaking down voting results and trends on a county-by-county basis via a magic wall full of red and blue-colored states. King is incredibly good at his job, so much that he’s earned universal praise for his performance over these past two days. He’s like Adam Schefter mixed with what Mel Kiper and Todd McShay think they are on draft night. Like Scott Hanson during Red Zone, King rarely takes a break yet remains fresh for hours of coverage. He’s become the topic of many memes this week, and for good reason. King breaks shit down to the minute level and has fun doing it, seemingly the only one actually enjoying this stressful as fuck election. King has my eternal respect.

Election coverage is fucking exhausting and difficult. This is our equivalent of the Super Bowl/Battle of the Bastards. What is sleep? What is a normal show? Will we know who won by the end of the week? All of these are questions beyond my current mental capacity.

If any one of you didn’t vote, I’m kicking you out of the league.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-3) DEF. EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-1)

91.76 – 87.26

In what probably won’t be a preview for the only unbeaten team in the NFL, EKEing Out The Win was unable to extend its perfect season start to 8-0. For the majority of the season, Kyle has been able to rack up wins despite not always scoring a lot of points. But over the weekend, all of Kyle’s good luck suddenly evaporated, with six starters (including Deshaun Watson, James Robinson, and Kenyan Drake) either on a bye or injured. Literally everyone that could physically play was inserted into the lineup. To be fair, more than a few players — Joe Burrow (18 points) and Giovanni Bernard (19 points) did well enough. Then you have Rashard Higgins. Incredibly, it looked for quite a while that it might be enough to take down Dixie Normous. But then Nick got some big prime time help, first from the Eagles defense (20 points) then from Tom Brady (19 points). Two of the week’s biggest no-calls — Vinny Curry not being down and the Mike Evans push off — wound up costing Kyle his unbeaten season. That’s just bad luck. 

49ERS (8-0) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-4)

99.36 – 91.44

Who knew the biggest player of this matchup wouldn’t even be in either the 49ers or Orchids of Asia lineup? Thanks to Daniel Jones and his literal inability to not turn the ball over, Gee was able to erase my Monday Night Football lead and remain unbeaten. Not only that, but Jones didn’t have the courtesy to throw his INTs to Lavonte David — only Gee got points for the turnovers. It also didn’t help that Gee got late pushes from Allen Robinson (14 points), Derrick Henry (17 points), and Blake Martinez (11 points), or that Tyreek Hill (21 points) was playing the Jets. Honestly, given the awful efforts from D’Andre Swift, Robby Anderson, and the Bills defense, it’s amazing this matchup was as close as it ended up being. Thank Russell “Future NFL MVP” Wilson (28 points) and Brandon Aiyuk (11 points) for that. I could’ve gotten even more points from the 49ers-Seahawks game, but George Kittle had to go and break his ankle. Somehow, neither Kittle’s injury nor my loss is what I’m most pissed off about this week. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-5) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-4)

86.44 – 76.42

That honor goes to this bullshit right here. Riez, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!? What kind of lineup was that? You leave David Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins (both on byes) among your starters, along with the injured Devonta Freeman, even though you have options on your bench. One of those options was DALVIN FUCKING COOK, who put up 46 GODDAMN POINTS that were wasted on the bench. How do the fantasy football gods punish Footballdamus for those mistakes? By having them WIN by double digits. Jimmy, how in the fuck do you lose to the guy who made the worst lineup fuckup of the season? Was Carson Wents that bad? Do the Gruden Grinders RBs (Josh Jacobs and Jamal Williams) need to put up more than 12 points each? Can the Bears defense get its shit together for one week? I scored more points than both of these fuckers and not only got nothing in terms of a victory, but saw my best non-Russell Wilson player break his fucking ankle and be ruled out for the season. Fuck this gay earth.

JOP SUEY!!! (6-2) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-4)

118.94 – 72.12

Holy shit someone scored more than 100 points! Remember in the last newsletter when I wrote that Jop Suey!!! might be the hottest team in the league? This is what I was talking about. It’s no coincidence that Taylor’s hot streak has mirrored Davante Addams (23 points)’ return to form and having Alvin Kamara (16 points) fall in your lap (you’re welcome). Taylor also somehow got the only positive Rams performance in Robert Woods (21 points) to go with a double dose of Indianapolis domination with the Colts defense (15 points) and Darius Leonard (13 points). All of this was way too much for C’s New Champ Team, which quite simply couldn’t muster enough defense to stop even Ben Dinucci. Ironically, it was Deejay Dallas (17 points) who was one of Chriss’ few bright spots on offense. While Ryan Tannehill (18 points) did well enough, the Titans defense did negatively well in the face of the Bengals. So many single-digit spots in Chriss’ lineup, so much of an ass-whooping delivered by one of the league’s fastest-rising teams.

THREE EYED RAVENS (2-6) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-5)

90.82 – 70.34

Behold, the positives from Sleeping Giants’ performance this past weekend: Pat Mahomes (36 points). That’s it. Yes, Mahomes played out of his mind against the tough and fearsome Jets defense. But that resulted in more than half of Dad’s point total. Only David Montgomery (10 points) joined Mahomes with double-digit points. Calvin Ridley did nothing, Kenny Golladay got hurt, and the 49ers defense literally did worse than zero, both in fantasy football and in Dad’s heart. With that pathetic opposition in front of him, it’s no wonder why Three Eyed Ravens was able to get just its second win of the season. Zack Moss (20 points) alone was the difference (fuck you from taking points away from Devin Singletary). Lamar Jackson (16 points) was decent but hampered by turnovers (Ewing I told you starting Justin Herbert was the best decision). Julio Jones (13 points) and Jared Cook (11 points) also contributed enough production to help Ewing overcome Jonathan Taylor’s poor effort. along with the Chargers defense’s latest choke job.

DARTH RAIDER (2-6) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-8)

88.28 – 58.84

After a lengthy stretch of bad luck, Darth Raider finally got some good fortune in getting to have The Krispy Kritters as an opponent. Arik’s roster was far from perfect, with terrible games from Amari Cooper, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Adrian Peterson, and the Packers defense. But an exceptional effort from D.K. Metcalf (28 points) and decent days from Roquan Smith (14 points) and Cooper Kupp (12 points) were enough to separate Arik from Richard. A lack of Miles Sanders and Terry McLauren ensured Richard could not mount any kind of a response. Now, of course, we’re entering a much different discussion for Richard — the quest for 0-13. Only one team has ever finished winless — the “Ghost Team” that was assembled after the draft during the year that we needed another team at the last minute. Richard is now five losses away from matching that dubious record. Again, I am here to try to help with any tech problems you have. The season’s probably fucked, but at least you can avoid joining the winless club.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (8-0)
2. EKEing Out The Win (7-1)
3. Jop Suey!!! (6-2)
4. Dixie Normous (5-3)
5. Orchids of Asia (4-4)
6. C’s New Champ Team (4-4)
7. Gruden Grinders (4-4)
8. Footballdamus (3-5)
9. Sleeping Giants (3-5)
10. Darth Raider (2-6)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (2-6)
12. The Krispy Kritters (0-8)

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (955.18)
2. Jop Suey!!! (951.24)
3. EKEing Out The Win (871.36)
4. Footballdamus (858.34)
5. Darth Raider (854.32)
6. Dixie Normous (853.26)
7. Orchids of Asia (812.76)
8. C’s New Champ Team (803.30)
9. Gruden Grinders (785.64)
10. Sleeping Giants (770.50)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (769.20)
12. The Krispy Kritters (628.68)

THE WALKING DEAD

I’m not sure when, but I’m going to put together a Top 10 Most Injured Teams in NFL history list. There’s a pretty good chance the 2020 San Francisco 49ers make the final cut.

Wait, let me get my anger over losing George Kittle for the rest of the season out of the way.

…………

Anyway, while Kittle’s potential for points is insane, he wasn’t doing as well for me this year because of injuries, both to him and his teammates. Jimmy Garoppolo has regressed and missed games due to injury. Both of them are out again — Kittle for the rest of the regular season and Garoppolo indefinitely. But if you thought those two joining the seemingly endless list of injured 49ers starters was bad enough, think again.

First San Francisco shut down their facilities after a player (later revealed to be Kendrick Bourne) Then they identified several players who were in close contact with Bourne. Those turned out to be Brandon Aiyuk, Trent Williams and Deebo Samuel, who are now on the Reserve/Covid-19 list and cannot play tonight. At this point, the roster of players who are injured could probably beat the roster of those healthy in an actual football game. The fact that this happened after the 49ers waived Dante Pettis (who was claimed by the New York Giants) is incredible.

But that’s not all for tonight — Packers RB A.J. Dillion tested positive himself, with Jamaal Williams and Kamal Marton being held back due to being in close contact. Couple that with an injury by Aaron Jones, and Green Bay will have to beat San Francisco without a running game. Although perhaps the bigger question is will this game happen at all. Given that my job will be significantly harder today (FOX40 has Thursday Night Football) without a football game on TV, I just hope for something good. I’m honestly what I should spend more time on — the 49ers’ incredibly depleted roster (injuries and retirements) or the NFL’s ongoing issues with the coronavirus (hello, Matt Stafford!). 

Oh wait I just realized I was counting on Aiyuk to pick up the offensive slack with Kittle gone. Now he’s going to be out for at least a week. One more reaction.

…………

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Graupel (noun): granular snow pellets — also called soft hail. In case the broadcast didn’t bring it up enough, that’s the Merriam-Webster definition of the white stuff that fell on Sunday.

The Raiders, playing a morning game on the road in windy and wet weather, only found the end zone once and had just 112 yards passing. Las Vegas won by double digits. I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t watch it happen.

It’s clear the weather was the biggest factor of the game. The wind pretty much took the deep passing game out of the equation, as evidenced by the futile attempts to get Henry Ruggs involved on jet sweeps. But what everyone forgot was that the Autumn Wind is in fact a Raider, and Cleveland’s deep threat was gone as well. Thus, both teams were forced to rely on their running game, which is Las Vegas’ bread and butter. While the Browns were able to shut down the Raiders early, Devontae Booker (I love this guy’s potential) did enough to spark some life back into the offense. Josh Jacobs then went to work, carrying the offense and chewing up damn near the entire second half clock. Derek Carr wasn’t spectacular, but he did what he needed to do given the conditions — dink and dunk and use his legs to pick up first downs. Even though the Raiders officially scored just one TD, they should’ve had three — Ruggs’ foot just barely appeared to be in bounds and Jacobs looked like he got the ball over on 2nd and Goal. Referee fuckery aside, the weather-hampered offense did enough to get the job done (Myles Garrett’s injury didn’t hamper their chances, either).

Now, one might look at the final score, see that Las Vegas only gave up six points, and assume the defense had by far their best game of the season. This is incorrect. The Raiders defenders frequently missed tackles, let Kareem Hunt run wherever he wanted, and leave Browns pass catchers in open space. But two things bailed the Silver and Black out. The first, as mentioned earlier, was the extreme weather that Cleveland should’ve (in theory) been prepared for). The second was the Browns themselves. I lost count of the amount of times Jarvis Landry and David Njoku dropped passes that would’ve either extended a drive or at least given Cleveland better field position. Harrison Bryant’s fumble and Landry’s TD being negated were huge momentum swings. Critics are going to shit on Baker Mayfield for his stat line, but he balled out and did his part to try and keep the Browns in the game. Given the weather and slippery hands of his teammates, Mayfield did enough to alleviate any blame. Credit as well goes to the Raiders running game for keeping the ball out Mayfield’s hands as much as possible.

Regardless of how it happened, this win was huge for the playoff race and potential playoff seeding. According to how the AFC is playing out, the Kansas City Chiefs, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Buffalo Bills have pretty secure division leads. The Tennessee Titans and Indianapolis Colts are neck-and-neck for the AFC South, with whoever doesn’t win looking good for a Wild Card spot. In addition, the Baltimore Ravens and Miami Dolphins are with the Raiders and Browns in the Wild Card race. Cleveland still has to play Baltimore, Tennessee, and Pittsburgh, as well as the tougher than they look Houston Texans and Philadelphia Eagles. The Dolphins could go on a run, but their final month is full of tough opponents (as well as the Raiders). The Colts (also a late season Raiders opponent) have to tangle with the Titans twice, in addition to the Ravens, Steelers, and Green Bay Packers. With so much at stake and plenty of key matchups to come, every win matters, especially with the easier half of the schedule coming up.

That being said, these next three games are anything but a given for the Raiders. Las Vegas now gets ready for three straight AFC West matchups, starting with the Chargers. While they’ve had tough luck all season, Los Angeles has the OROY favorite — Justin Herbert has been lighting it up and appears to be another 13-year thorn in the Raiders’ side. I don’t like the defense’s chances against that cannon of an arm. The Las Vegas offense is going to need to show up big time — this weekend’s game looks like it’ll be a shootout (although the Chargers have been historically terrible when it comes to retaining leads).

But enough about that — I haven’t even mentioned the most important part of this newsletter. During my research, I discovered something amazing about the history of the Raiders’ most recent opponent. I don’t know how I only just found out about this, but I’m so happy that I know about it now. Later on in this newsletter, I will introduce you to the greatest piece of NFL-related media I’ve ever seen. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Rams: 31 1st downs, 92 plays, 340 passing yards, 131 rushing yards, 471 total yards, 36:30 time of possession.

Dolphins: 8 1st downs, 48 plays, 90 passing yards, 55 rushing yards, 145 total yards, 23:30 time of possession.

How in the living fuck did Miami win this game, let alone by double digits? Jared Goff — two INTs and two lost fumbles resulted in so many empty possessions for Los Angeles. Goff made mistakes and the Dolphins defense as a whole played incredibly well. Tua Tagovailoa didn’t impress at all in his debut, but Miami could’ve won with me at QB considering how well the defense and special teams performed. The offense gets the headlines, but defense and special teams win championships.

Need further proof? Check out these strange games where the best statistical offense didn’t win.

2009: COLTS @ DOLPHINS

On the face of the box score, this Colts-Dolphins matchup doesn’t seem abnormal. Indianapolis won 27-23 despite Miami finishing ahead in total yards 403-356. But take a look and you’ll see one vastly lopsided stat: time of possession. The Dolphins had the ball for 45:07 — more than three quarters of game time — compared to 14:53 for the Colts. So how was the score basically even? Indianapolis benefited from great field position and unleashed hell in the passing game (303 yards to Miami’s 183). The Dolphins went run heavy (239 yards to the Colts’ 61) but failed to take full advantage of every possession (settling for FGs instead of TDs). A perfect example of this disparity was the first possession of each team. Miami took 6:06 and nine plays to go 75 yards for a TD. Indianapolis scored their first TD with one play — an 80-yard bomb that took 12 seconds off the clock. The Colts’ game-winning TD drive was the same distance, but instead took four whole plays and only 32 seconds. Peyton Manning was extremely efficient that year.

2002: TEXANS @ STEELERS

This might be the stupidest NFL game ever played. The expansion year Texans were terrible, finishing last in the AFC South at 4-12. The Steelers finished 10-5-1, won the AFC North, and barely lost in the Divisional Round. You’d expect a game between these two teams to be an ass-whooping, and it was. Houston only managed three first downs and a pathetic 47 total yards (including TEN passing yards) on 40 plays across 20:19 of possession. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, had the ball for 39:41, got 24 first downs, and finished with 422 yards (294 of them through the air). The final score? 24-6… in favor of the Texans. Houston’s defense played out of their goddamn minds, scoring all but three of their team’s points. Tommy Maddox had two pick sixes and a lost fumble that was returned for a TD, while Antwan Randle El had two costly fumbles of his own. The Texans even turned the ball over themselves, only for the Steelers to turn the ball over on downs that drive. Don’t worry — I found the highlights from this unbelievable game.

2010: THE CHARGERS AS A WHOLE

The 2010 Chargers are the best team to fail to make the playoffs. San Diego had the No. 1 ranked offense in terms of yards per game, while their defense was also ranked No. 1 in yards allowed. No team before or since has finished first in both categories. So what happened? Blame special teams. An ungodly combination of turnovers, botched kick coverage, and missed FGs led to some insane losses in games where the Chargers dominated statistically. That was especially the case early on — with strange defeats to the Oakland Raiders, Kansas City Chiefs, and Seattle Seahawks. San Diego couldn’t recover from the tough start and finished 9-7, one game behind the Chiefs, a team the Chargers had beaten 31-0 in Week 14 and a team that would go on to get smacked by the Baltimore Ravens 30-7 in the Wild Card round. That was also the year the Raiders went 6-0 in AFC West play and still managed to miss the playoffs. Jon Bois put together a much more in-depth explanation of the 2010 Chargers — check it out if you’re interested.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 14TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 9 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Don’t just mail it in — take care of trades in person.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 5, 1978, John Madden became the 13th (and youngest) NFL head coach to amass 100 career regular season wins. It’s tough to imagine the big, old, grey-haired, goofy former commentator as essentially his generation’s Mike Tomlin/John Harbaugh. But that’s exactly what Madden did — win early at a young age. In 1969, just two years after being plucked from his position as San Diego State defensive coordinator to be the Raiders’ LB coach, Madden became the NFL’s youngest head coach at age 32, replacing John Rauch in Oakland. During his ten years in charge, Madden turned the Raiders into either a Super Bowl favorite or the team you’d have to beat to get to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately for Oakland, it often turned out to be the latter, with six losses in the AFL/AFC Championship Game. Madden was eventually able to shake off the “can’t win the big game” label in the 1976 season, when the Raiders won Super Bowl XI. But just two years later, Madden was feeling burnt out. With a record of 5-4, Oakland had already blown two chances to get Madden victory No. 100, falling to the Seattle Seahawks and San Diego Chargers, the latter being a revenge for the Holy Roller in Week 2. But the Silver and Black finally got the job done in Week 10, using tough defense and a strong running game to score a 20-10 road win over the Kansas City Chiefs. Madden would only get three more victories before the end of the season, just the second to not see the Raiders make the playoffs. During the offseason, Madden announced his retirement at just 42 years old, citing burnout and 

an increasingly deteriorating ulcer condition. In just ten years as a head coach, Madden accumulated 103 regular season wins (the most in Raiders history) and (including playoffs) a .731 win percentage (the third-highest in NFL history). Oakland never had a losing season under Madden and it took until his final season in charge for a team to beat the Raiders twice in one year. But in a cruel foreshadowing of what was to come for his successor, Tom Flores, despite these accolades Madden had to wait until 2006 (?!?!?!?) to be inducted into the Pro Football HOF. You wonder why I keep saying the NFL hates the Raiders. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2017 — 26 people are killed and 20 others injured in a mass shooting at a church in Sutherland Springs, TX.
• 2007 — Android mobile operating system is unveiled by Google.
• 2006 — Saddam Hussein, Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti, and Awad Hamed al-Bandar are sentenced to death for their roles in the 1982 massacre of 148 Shi’a Muslims.
• 1996 — Bill Clinton is reelected President of the U.S.
• 1968 — Richard Nixon is elected 37th President of the U.S.
• 1967 — The New Orleans Saints get their first NFL win, a 31-24 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles.
• 1943 — The Vatican is bombed during World War II.
• 1940 — Franklin Roosevelt is reelected for a third term as President of the U.S.
• 1914 — France and the British Empire declare war on the Ottoman Empire during World War I.
• 1912 — Woodrow Wilson is elected the 28th President of the U.S.
• 1895 — George Selden is granted the first U.S. patent for an automobile.
• 1872 — Ulysses Grant is reelected as President of the U.S.
• 1872 — In defiance of the law, Susan B. Anthony votes for the first time, and is later fined $100.
• 1831 — Slave leader Nat Turner is tried, convicted, and sentenced to death.
• 1605 — Guy Fawkes is arrested for his role in the Gunpowder Plot, the inspiration for what would become Guy Fawkes Night (remember, remember the 5th of November).

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1992 — Odell Beckham, Cleveland Browns WR. Holy shit, I’m older than OBJ.
• 1987 — Kevin Jonas, singer and member of the Jonas Brothers, Gee’s favorite band.
• 1984 — Nick Folk, New England Patriots K.
• 1978 — Bubba Watson, golfer, two-time Masters winner, and member of the Golf Boys.
• 1973 — Johnny Damon, former baseball player and 2004 World Series Champion with the Boston Red Sox who literally went from Jesus to Judas by signing with the yankees.
• 1968 — Sam Rockwell, actress known for a lot of roles.
• 1963 — Tatum O’Neal, actress and the youngest recipient of a competitive Academy Award, for her role as Addie Loggins in Paper Moon.
• 1960 — Tilda Swinton, actress best known her roles of the White Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia series and the Ancient One in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
• 1955 — Kris Jenner, woman who gave birth to a media empire.
• 1952 — Bill Walton, HOF center and iconic commentator.
• 1943 — Sam Shepard, actor best known for his role of Chuck Yeager in The Right Stuff.
• 1941 — Art Garfunkel, singer best known for his partnership with Paul Simon for the rock band Simon & Garfunkel.
• 1931 — Ike Turner, musician/music executive known for his… extensive drug and domestic violence issues.

DEATHS:

• 1971 — Sam Jones, iconic pitcher.
• 1831 — Nat Turner, slave leader.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Love Your Red Hair Day! Fun fact: the color “orange” was named after the fruit of the same name. Before orange was a defined color, there was no word to describe things that were orange. So in a lot of instances, people just called them “red-yellow” or “light red.” That’s why people with orange hair are called “redheads.” Research still has to be done on the whole “gingers not having a soul” thing

.THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

CATS AND DOGS RUNNING FOR “MAYOR”

OAKLAND, Calif. –One of the most contentious and nail-biting election campaigns in the Bay Area is at its peak right now.

But it’s probably not the one you’re thinking about.

This mayoral race features at least four contenders: Wally, Betty, Mimi and Macy. They are well known in the neighborhood, friendly with everyone they meet. They each want the best for their community in North Oakland.

And none of them are human.

These adorable cats and dogs are running to be the mayor of 55th Street in Oakland’s Golden Gate neighborhood.

It all started when a rather official-looking red, white and blue campaign sign popped up in the front yard of a property on 55th and Marshall streets reading: “Re-elect Wally for Mayor of 55th Street” at the top, and “Paid for by the Wally for Mayor 2020 PAC” at the bottom. In the center is a photo of a fluffy orange and white feline.

The sign’s creator, Heather La Mastro, said Wally doesn’t have an official owner. He showed up on her block just west of San Pablo Avenue about four or five years ago, and she and her neighbors all started feeding him. So he stuck around.

“We all love him and take care of him,” she said. “He’s a free spirit who goes everywhere and explores everything … We’ve been lovingly referring to him as the mayor of 55th Street.”.

READ MORE

If I could only focus on these kinds of races, I’d never bitch about having to cover elections again.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 12 CRAZIEST REGULAR SEASON SEAHAWKS GAMES OF THE PETE CARROLL ERA

Much like the real life election, the question I asked at the end of last week’s newsletter had way less than a 100% response rate. But unlike these past few days, this result was clear. Only one person who responded wanted me to elaborate on the Atlanta Falcons’ misery. The vast majority wanted me to instead focus on the batshit craziness of Seattle Seahawks games. Personally, this was the one I wanted to do. I know the history of the Seahawks goes well past the introduction of Pete Carroll as head coach. But it seems that ever since he’s been in charge, Seattle has become the epicenter for insane results. Whether it be letting teams they were blowing out make things competitive again, making their own comeback to cause chaos, or just generally playing up/down to the level of their opponents, the Seahawks seem genetically engineered to never play a boring game. In fact, there were so many that I couldn’t narrow it down to ten — I figured a Top 12 would be appropriate for the Seahawks.

Originally, I said I would not include Super Bowls in this list, because no matter what happens the stakes would automatically make any slightly abnormal game be the craziest (Super Bowl XLVIII’s defensive domination or Super Bowl XLIX’s legendary ending). Now, I’m expanding that rule to all playoff games. The stakes are automatically higher than any normal game, which offsets the point I’m trying to make. Of course any playoff game can be exciting. But for the Seahawks, it doesn’t matter if it’s Week 1, the Wild Card round, or a Week 11 road game on the East Coast. There will be shenanigans. But this means some big games won’t make the cut. 

HONORABLE MENTION: NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME CHAOS

Both of Seattle’s most recent NFC Championship Games have been memorable. In 2014, a back-and-forth brawl with the San Francisco 49ers saw several questionable calls go in the Seahawks’ favor, NaVorro Bowman suffer a serious injury, and Richard Sherman deflect a Colin Kaepernick pass to Malcolm Smith before calling Michael Crabtree a “sorry ass receiver.” The following year, the Seahawks were down 16-0 at halftime and 19-7 with three minutes left against the Green Bay Packers. But Seattle rallied and won the game with a Jermaine Kearse TD in OT.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE BEAST QUAKE

Many people associate the Pete Carroll era with Russell Wilson’s arrival in Seattle. But Carroll was actually in charge for two seasons before Wilson was drafted. One of those saw one of the biggest playoff upsets in NFL history, when the 7-9 Seahawks defeated the defending champ New Orleans Saints 41-36 in 2011. The highlight was unquestionably Marshawn Lynch’s incredible 67-yard TD run that saw him run through like a thousand attempted tackles and caused Seahawks fans to go so apeshit that they caused a literal earthquake during the play. 

HONORABLE MENTION: PATRIOT GAMES BEGIN

All four meetings between the Seahawks and Patriots in the Pete Carroll era have been amazing. The first of these games against New England, which took place in 2012, featured a rookie Russell Wilson and a young Legion of Boom facing the defending AFC champions. Wilson hit Sidney Rice for a 46-yard score with 1:18 left to cap a 13-point comeback and give Seattle a 24-23 win. This was the game that put the Legion of Boom era Seahawks on the map, particularly Richard Sherman, who famously talked shit to Brady after the conclusion of the game. 

HONORABLE MENTION: BIG DAY FOR BIRTHDAY BOY

On his 27th birthday, Russell Wilson gave Seahawks fans some much-needed schadenfreude at the Steelers’ expense. In 2015, Seattle and Pittsburgh faced off in a slugfest that lived up to the descriptions. In a game that saw eight different lead changes, Wilson threw a career-high five TDs, his fourth giving the Seahawks a 32-27 lead. The Steelers kicked a FG with three minutes left, hoping to get another chance. Pittsburgh did get the ball back, but only after Wilson hit Doug Baldwin for an 80-yard score, making it a 39-30 count and putting the game out of reach.   

12. THE FAIL MARY

Now, you may wonder how one of the NFL’s most memorable endings can barely make the cut for even an extended Top 10 list. But that description alone explains its place. The last eight seconds of the 2012 game are well documented for their insanity — a then-rookie Russell Wilson getting intercepted in the end zone, only for the replacement referees to ignore an offensive pass interference action by Golden Tate and rule the Seahawks WR had more possession of the ball than the Packers’ M.D. Jennings. However, what about the other 59 minutes and 52 seconds of game time? Until the final play, the game was fairly mediocre. Seattle hadn’t scored since the 2nd quarter and Green Bay had only managed 12 points (two FGs and a rushing TD followed by a failed two-point conversion). The score was just 12-7 before the last play and 14-12 when all was said and done. The pure insanity of the ending gives it an automatic spot on the list. But this is about the quality of games from beginning to end, not just at its most dramatic moment.

11. JANO > GANO

Just a few years after each team made the Super Bowl in back-to-back-to-back seasons, the Seahawks and Panthers met in 2018 in a rare spot — needing a win to keep pace in the playoff race. Well, Carolina and Seattle certainly played with that kind of desperation, trading blows like a pair of UFC fighters trying to not get cut. Cam Newton went a perfect 14/14 in the first half, while Christian McCaffrey recorded a franchise record 237 yards from scrimmage and became the first Panther to surpass 100 yards in both rushing and receiving. Russell Wilson and Chris Carson helped Seattle keep pace, with the game tied 20-20 in the 4th quarter. McCaffrey put Carolina up 27-20 with under seven minutes left, but Wilson hit David Moore for a 35-yard TD on 4th down to tie the game at 27-27 with 3:26 to play. Newton drove the Panthers into Seahawks territory, but Graham Gano missed a 52-yard FG. Seattle took over and Tyler Lockett caught a 43-yard pass to set up Sebastian Janikowski’s 31-yard FG to secure the dramatic 30-27 victory.

10. THE STOP 2.0

One of the only games in this section where the Seahawks didn’t win, last season’s Week 17 showdown with the 49ers was as close to a playoff game as you can get in the regular season. The winner would win the NFC West and get the top seed in the conference, while the loser would have to go on the road as the No. 5 seed. San Francisco was up by double digits in the 4th quarter, but Seattle fought back twice — both times to cut the lead to five points. After the defense was able to stop the 49ers, Wilson went to work and drove the Seahawks towards the end zone as time ticked down, setting up 1st and Goal at the one-yard line. After three straight stops by San Francisco, everything came down to the last play of the game — 4th and Goal from the five-yard line. Russell Wilson hit Jacob Hollister a yard out from the goal line. However, Dre Greenlaw was able to stop Hollister just short, with the clock hitting zero as the final whistles blew. The stop meant Seattle came up short in a 26-21 loss and the No. 1 seed went to San Francisco.

9. PAINFUL VICTORY

Later in the 2012 season, Seattle traveled to Chicago in search of a rare road win. This game saw each team dominate a particular quarter — the Bears were up 7-0 after the 1st quarter, the Seahawks made it 10-7 at halftime, and the Bears went up 14-10 after the 3rd quarter. The score stayed that way through most of the 4th quarter, until Russell Wilson led Seattle down the field as the clock ran down, connecting with Golden Tate on a 14-yard TD pass with 32 seconds left. Incredibly, Chicago was able to force OT, thanks to a bomb from Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall setting up a 46-yard FG by Robbie Gould. In the extra frame, Wilson marched the Seahawks into the red zone, then found Sidney Rice for a 13-yard TD to win the game. Replays showed that as Rice crossed the goal line, he was knocked unconscious from a hit by Major Wright that also jarred the ball loose. However, the play was reviewed and deemed a successful score, giving Seattle the 23-17 win. Fun fact: this was the last game of Brian Urlacher’s career.

8. HORRENDOUS BUT BEAUTIFUL

2019’s first Seahawks-Rams game featured a uniform matchup best suited for the colorblind. But this eyesore ended up providing some beautiful, entertaining football. The game had everything from exciting moments and incredible plays to awful calls and costly mistakes. Seattle and Los Angeles went back and forth, with the Rams up 20-14 with just over five minutes left in the 3rd quarter. But a ten-yard TD pass from Russell Wilson to David Moore started a series of five straight drives that ended in points for either team. The last of those drives ended with Chris Carson bobbling a 4th and Goal pass from Wilson, before hauling it in to put the Seahawks up by one point with 2:28 remaining (the two-point conversion failed). While Los Angeles’ first attempt at a game-winning drive with an amazing INT by Tedric Thompson, the Rams were able to force a three-and-out by Seattle. Jared Goff drove the Rams to just outside the Seahawks’ red zone, Greg Zuerlein missed a 44-yard FG with seconds left, as Seattle held on for the 30-29 win.

7. THEY CAM-E UP SHORT

The first of three games from this season on this list, the latest Seahawks-Patriots classic might also have been the last great game of Cam Newton’s career. New England, playing without James White (whose father had just died in a crash), scored first on a rare Russell Wilson pick six. But after that, Wilson turned on the fucking jets, unloading deep bomb after bomb en route to five TD passes. Newton and the Patriots came to play, however, responding to each Seahawks score with a productive drive of their own. Still, it appeared Seattle had put the game away with less than five minutes to play, thanks to a Chris Carson TD catch that made it 35-23. But Newton plunged into the end zone just before the two-minute warning and Seattle botched its next drive, giving the ball back to New England. Thanks in large part to a career high 179 receiving yards by Julian Edelman, Newton drove to the Seahawks’ one-yard line with three seconds left. The Patriots called for a QB rush, but Newton was stopped short, as Seattle held on 35-30. 

6. A VIKING FUNERAL

Week 5 of this season is a perfect example of the Seahawks’ inability to play a normal game — a matchup of an undefeated team and a struggling 1-3 squad shouldn’t have been close. To be fair, it wasn’t early — the Vikings dominated the Seahawks, putting the clamps on Seattle’s high-powered offense and taking a 13-0 lead into halftime. But then the Seahawks roared back to life in the 3rd quarter, scoring three straight TDs (the last right after a Kirk Cousins INT) to go up 21-13. Just when it seemed Seattle was in control, Minnesota showed its resolve, cutting the deficit to 21-19 before Cousins found Adam Thielen to make it 26-21 with just over seven minutes left. The Vikings were then given a gift with an INT by Russell Wilson, though they were faced with a 4th and 1 from the six-yard line with two minutes left. Minnesota went for the kill, but could not pick up the first down to seal the game. Wilson led Seattle down the field and found D.K. Metcalf in the end zone on 4th and Goal with 15 seconds left to give the Seahawks a 27-26 victory.  

5. SWALLOWING THEIR WHISTLES

The first Seahawks-Patriots game since Super Bowl XLIX was another epic encounter that came down to a last-minute goal line play. 2016’s showdown began with plenty of offense — including Seattle scoring on four of its five possessions. But the lead over New England was only 19-14 at halftime, despite a Tom Brady INT. After the Seahawks went three and out, the game got wild. A LaGarrette Blount TD was followed by three consecutive FGs, putting Seattle up 25-24. But a Julian Edelman fumble gave the Seahawks an opportunity to put the game away. While Doug Baldwin’s TD made it a seven-point game, Seattle failed its two-point attempt, giving the Patriots the ball for one last drive. A deep pass to Rob Gronkowski put the ball at Seattle’s two-yard line with less than a minute two play. Two stuffed runs and an almost Brady turnover made it 4th and Goal from a yard out. Brady threw a fade to Gronkowski, who got tangled with Kam Chancellor. The pass fell incomplete, but no pass interference was called, as Seattle held on 31-24.

4. JUST PLAIN FUN

My last two main fantasy QBs (Russell Wilson and Deshaun Watson) have only faced off once in their careers — Week 8 in 2017. But goddamn was it an incredible game. The then-rookie Watson and Wilson put on a duel for the ages, one where the defenses largely forgot to show up. I say largely because Seattle’s first score came from a Earl Thomas pick six. After a hot first half saw the Seahawks and Texans tied 21-21, the 3rd quarter was largely cool, with Seattle leading 27-24 going into the final frame. But then things got turned up to 11, starting with a Lamar Miller TD that put Houston up 31-27. Seattle came back with a Jimmy Graham score, but Watson then found DeAndre Hopkins for a 72-yard TD to make it 38-34. That lead lasted until 21 seconds left in the game, when Wilson hit Graham again in the end zone. Watson had no time to respond and the Seahawks held on for a wild 41-38 win. Both teams combined for 988 yards of offense, while Wilson and Watson threw for four TDs each and a total of 854 yards. What a fucking game. 

3. DUEL IN THE DESERT

The most recent game on this list took place less than two weeks ago. But it’s not only deserving of inclusion, it’s high up in the rankings. How can we condense everything that happened into a paragraph? The Seahawks jumped out to an early lead before a 35-yard bomb from Kyler Murray to DeAndre Hopkins gave the Cardinals some life. Hopkins later fumbled the ball, but Russell Wilson threw an INT on the next possession. Budda Baker nearly took that pass to the house, but D.K. Metcalf hawked his ass and wound up preventing a TD. Both Seattle and Arizona traded TDs, then traded turnovers, then traded TDs again. The Cardinals defense of all units got a late stop that allowed Zane Gonzalez to hit a 34-yard FG to send it to OT. Gonzalez was nearly the hero, but his 41-yard attempt went wide. The Seahawks looked primed to steal the game, until Wilson’s third INT of the game suddenly swung things back towards the Cardinals. Gonzalez got another shot at being a hero, converting a 48-yard FG for a stunning 37-34 OT result.

2. MAGNIFICENT MONDAY MATCHUP

Of all the legendary Seahawks-49ers games, this might’ve been the craziest one. Last year, San Francisco was the last unbeaten team in the NFL and got off to a good start against Seattle, jumping out to a 10-0 lead. But then Jadeveon Clowney took things into his own hands with a fumble recovery TD, which gave the Seahawks defense some major momentum. Seattle’s next two TDs came courtesy of Jimmy Garoppolo turnovers (an INT and a fumble). But just when it looked like the game was out of hand, DeForest Buckner got his own scoop and score to cut the lead to 21-18. Rookie K Chase McLaughlin nailed a 47-yard kick as time expired to send the game to OT. Dre Greenlaw appeared to have won the game with an INT and long return, but McLaughlin missed his second 47-yard attempt. That proved costly when Jason Meyers hit a 42-yarder as time expired to give Seattle the 27-24 OT win. Afterwards, Wilson said, “That was the craziest game I’ve ever been a part of.” Sorry Russell, you were almost correct. 

1. DOUBLE CLUTCH FAILURE

So out of all the insane, TD-filled scorefests the Seahawks have played in under Pete Carroll, which game ranks as the craziest? It’s the one that saw both teams combine for half of the points scored in this past week’s Raiders-Browns game. In Week 7 of 2016, both Seattle and Arizona filled up every category of the stat sheets except for one: TDs. A 46-yard FG by Chandler Catanzaro was the only score of the game until late in the 4th quarter, when the Seahawks blocked a Cardinals punt to set up a 40-yard kick by Steven Hauschka that forced OT. Arizona’s first drive ended with a 45-yard FG, but Seattle countered with a 36-yarder of its own. The Cardinals had a chance to win it, but Catanzaro’s 24-yard gimme kick hit the post. The Seahawks drove down to give Hauschka a 28-yard attempt with seconds left, but his kick went wide and the game ended in a 6-6 tie. It was Seattle’s first ever tie and the NFL’s first tie with no TDs since 1972. High-scoring or lacking for points, Seahawks games are never not interesting.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (8-0) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-4)

The next team aiming to end 49ers’ unbeaten run: Gruden Grinders. Can they do it? Probably not. Carson Wentz and Travis Fulgham are on byes. Jamaal Williams is out due to COVID-19 precautions. Aaron Jones is probably out as well. Jimmy’s second RB spot will either be the unproven JaMycal Hasty or La’Mical Perine (who plays for the Jets). Sure, Tyler Lockett is a popular Russell Wilson target and the potential for a Derek Carr-Henry Ruggs connection is huge (especially against the Chargers). But the Bears defense could struggle against the Titans offense and other roster spots have big question marks around them. You’ll have to be perfect to take down Gee, especially this week. Josh Allen will probably bounce back, Tyreek Hill and Adam Thielen are in positive matchups, and Derrick Henry, J.J. Dobbins, and Allen Robinson are seemingly guaranteed to do at least decently every week. Jimmy may need another historic Raiders offensive output (including Josh Jacobs) to keep up with Gee this week.

JOP SUEY!!! (6-2) VS. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-4)

So immediately after losing the best TE in football for the season and one of its best WRs for the week, Orchids of Asia has to face the hottest team in the league? Bull fucking shit. Plus, that’s not even the start of my worries for the week. Russell Wilson should cook as usual, but the end product will fuck up my Bills defense. That’s why I’m going to the (checks waiver wire) Cardinals defense this week. I’m not exactly confident. Robby Anderson, D’Andre Swift, and A.J Brown are up against tough competition. Chase Claypool and Eric Ebron are each capable of big games, but with the Steelers’ loaded offense they could be straight up ignored with no point loss (except for me). Jop Suey!!!, on the other hand, gets to roll out Kyler Murray against the Dolphins and Davante Adams versus the depleted 49ers. But the biggest story in Taylor’s lineup is Antonio Brown, who should make his debut this weekend. Because of my luck, he’ll probably drop 30 points as I contemplate who I pissed off to get the shitty luck I’ve been dealt.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-1) VS. DARTH RAIDER (2-6)

Last week, EKEing Out The Win failed to live up to their name for the first time all season, due to almost every starter being on a bye week. But now, Kyle’s out for revenge, free from the pressure of going undefeated. Deshaun Watson, James Robinson, Chase Edmonds, Will Fuller, and the Washington defense all look ready to deal out the pain, while D.J. Moore, Marquise Brown, and T.J. Hockenson returning in not good but not completely awful matchups. Darth Raider, meanwhile, took advantage of playing The Krispy Kritters to get just their second win of the season. But they’ll be hard pressed to get their third this week, and not just because they’re playing one of the best teams in the league. Ben Roethlisberger will probably tear it up against the Cowboys, but Amari Cooper likely won’t do as well on the opposite side of the ball. Arik has been able to get reliable points from D.K. Metcalf and Clyde Edwards-Helaire, but the rest of the lineup will have to perform unexpectedly well for him to have a chance at the big upset.

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-3) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (2-6)

Three Eyed Ravens is also finally basking in the glory of having multiple wins. Getting win No. 3, however, will not be an easy task. Ewing’s main point-getter, Lamar Jackson, is up against the Colts — arguably the best defense in the NFL. Conversely, Jonathan Taylor gets to play the always tough Ravens defense. Stefon Diggs and Zack Moss should do well against the Seahawks, but the Bills offense has been a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Depending on the day, Julio Jones and Jared Cook can go off or do nothing, while the Chargers defense has to face one of the NFL’s most potentially explosive offenses. All of these inconsistencies are terrifying to consider against the remarkably consistent Dixie Normous. Tom Brady, Ronald Jones, James Conner, Keenan Allen, and the Patriots defense look like they’re in for big days, while D.J. Chark and Jonnu Smith can easily provide the necessary push to put Nick over the top. Nick has won five games and — barring a slip —  could find himself among the title contenders.

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-5) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-4)

Look I’m really fucking tired thanks to these past two days of having to put together nonstop coverage of this godforsaken election. Both Dad and Chriss probably need the win, but won’t perform as well as expected due to injuries. Anyway, here’s the lyrics to the song I used as the theme music. [Cheerleaders, as a cheer:] E-L-E-C-TOR-AL. Electoral College – we’ve got a tale to tell! [Sung by voting box:] So what if we don’t have a football team? At least we never have to write a theme. No classes, no professors, no tuition. Yet we’re the goal of every politician. [With cheerleaders:] ‘Cuz everyone who graduates becomes the president. Ta Da! I’m gonna send your vote to college, when you vote for president. And if you’ll let me share some knowledge, you’ll understand this big event! The folks who wrote our Constitution had the idea for this plan, and it’s been used in our elections since our government began. When you pull down on my levers for the person of your choice, you’re also choosing state electors, who will have the final voice.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-8)

They’re called the electoral college, and they’ll meet to stipulate who the voters have selected to be the winner in each state. Now, the number of electors that your state is going to get is based on total population. That’s a formula that’s set. And when the popular vote is counted to find a winner in each state, each state will pledge all of its electors to choose the winning candidate! [Winning candidate:] I like it! I like it! [Cheerleaders:] E-L-E-C-TOR-AL! Electoral College – and we deserve a yell! And even if the vote is close, and someone wins by just a little, tiny hair. Electors give that person all their votes, and it’s considered fair and square! I’m gonna send your vote to college when you vote for president. And now the electoral college will work the way our founders meant. [Spoken by vote box:] So what if they don’t have a big macho football team? [Sung, with cheerleaders:] It’s every politician’s special dream! [Vote box:] ‘Cuz everyone who graduates, Yes everyone who graduates, Everyone who graduates becomes the president!

ONE LAST THING

We’re less than a month away from an important NFL anniversary: 35 years since the release of “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” That date actually falls on a Thursday and I can’t wait to write that day’s newsletter. The song, performed by several members of the 1985 Bears, became a cult phenomenon after Chicago indeed went on to win Super Bowl XX. It inspired several imitators, including a response from the New England Patriots that probably contributed to them getting pounded by the greatest defense in NFL history. Other teams performed their own songs, none of which ever achieved the popularity of the Super Bowl Shuffle. Maybe it’s because no one thought to go bigger. Well… no one except for one man.

Cleveland Browns C Mike Baab saw the Super Bowl Shuffle and wanted to do something similar. But rather than just do another song, Baab wanted to up the ante. One night while talking with his wife, Lolis (who had done video work), along with a local comedy writer and another guy from the entertainment industry, Baab decided to get some teammates to create a video whose proceeds would go to United Way. As for what the video would be about, Baab went back to something he had fallen in love with in college.

While waiting to get a haircut one day as a student at Texas, Baab picked up a Conan the Barbarian comic book. He was instantly hooked and has remained a fan of the franchise ever since. During his first few years with the Browns, Baab became a fan favorite thanks to his excellent play. He even developed his own following, with a small group of fans dressing up like medieval warriors and dubbing themselves “Baab’s Barbarians.” Baab would often draw an imaginary sword and point it at them, developing the nickname “The Baabarian.” 

With the idea (a charity video) and a topic (barbarians) in mind, Baab, his wife, and their friends put together a script. Baab got about a dozen teammates to participate, which is incredible considering the details of the plot you’ll soon read. They shot everything before the 1986 NFL season, with the finished product transforming from a short video into a 15-minute movie. It was released shortly after the Browns’ Week 9 win over the Indianapolis Colts, which happened 34 years ago this past Monday. I couldn’t find an exact release date, so it may in fact be this exact day. Either way, the world wasn’t ready for Masters of the Gridiron.

Everything about Masters of the Gridiron — the plot, the production, or the fact that a dozen NFL players shot a movie during the offseason — could never happen today. It makes no goddamn sense, but it’s something you have to see to believe. It’s like the NFL’s version of The Room. You can actually watch the entire movie on YouTube — here’s the link. But if you don’t have the ability to watch a 15-minute movie about NFL players in a barbarian world, let me take you through the details of this (using this word hesitantly) masterpiece.

After a surprisingly long opening of Browns players in their locker room getting ready for a game against the Detroit Lions, the film’s plot begins with Baab being knocked unconscious during a play. As teammates and a trainer try to wake him up, we enter a dream sequence in which a now-shirtless Baab encounters a mysterious hooded figure, who tells him he must retrieve a ring from the “Lord of the League” so the “City by the Lake of Erie” can be home to the “Masters of the Gridiron.” Baab blows a horn to summon a team of warriors, including Bynthor (Earnest Byner), Clayrock (Clay Matthews), Golican (Bob Golic), and the Magical Wizard (Ozzie Newsom). After a rousing speech by Baabarian, the group head off to the Lord’s castle.

Once there, the Lord of the League (played by musician Tiny Tim, whose songs include “Livin’ in the Sunlight, Lovin’ in the Moonlight” — which was used during the first ever episode of SpongeBob SquarePants) informs the barbarians they need to fight a group of samurai warriors before he’ll hand over the ring. What follows is a three-minute battle featuring swords and a bear interwoven with a music video for “Hard Die the Heroes” by the Michael Stanley Band and actual Browns game footage. I’m not making this up. Once the battle is won, the Lord appears to surrender the ring to Baabarian. But as soon as he grabs it, the Lord knocks him unconscious. Baab then wakes up from his dream on the Cleveland Stadium field. However, instead of his uniform, Baab is wearing his barbarian getup — and the Masters of the Gridiron ring.

As batshit insane as that sounds, I left out a few incredible details. The battle scene was shot at Squires Castle in Cleveland and included actual axes, swords, sai, and katanas. There were no stunt doubles, so these were the actual NFL players putting themselves in harm’s way. While fortunately no players were hurt, an extra apparently almost lost his finger during filming. I also mentioned a bear. For most of the movie, it’s just sitting there doing nothing. But during a break in filming, Baab randomly started wrestling with the bear. The crew turned the cameras on and spliced that footage into the film. Baab says the Browns organization had no idea about the movie, and would’ve obviously never given permission for their players to play with weapons and wrestle a bear. There was also an unscripted moment where a member of Baabarian’s team trips and falls, after which someone makes a joke about the USFL. Also, I’m pretty sure out of all the fantasy/medieval media ever made in history, this film is the only one to have a character whose role is “ring wench.”

So given this being one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen, how is it I (and most likely you) have never heard of Masters of the Gridiron until now? How did the Super Bowl Shuffle become so popular while a movie starring NFL players as barbarians fly under the radar outside of Ohio? Like for most bad things that happened after 1960, you can blame John Elway.

While it’s unclear if the film’s production inspired the team to grow closer together, the Browns went from 8-8 in 1985 to 12-4 in 1986. That included wins in six out of the seven games after the movie was released, a streak that propelled Cleveland to the best record in the AFC. Although Masters of the Gridiron was only released via VHS in Cleveland and the surrounding areas, Baab’s wife struck a deal to have the film distributed nationwide and overseas, with her husband getting 10% of the total revenue and a $250,000 bonus. That was all guaranteed if the Browns reached the Super Bowl. That seemed inevitable, as the No. 1 seed Browns held a 20-13 lead over the Broncos with just over five minutes left in the AFC Championship Game and Denver on their own two-yard line. But then Elway orchestrated “The Drive,” leading his team down the field and tying the game with 39 seconds left before winning in overtime. That result not only ended the Browns’ season, but ruined the deal to show Masters of the Gridiron across the country. Baab, who didn’t know about the deal his wife had reached until after the game, punched a hole in his car’s windshield when he found out.

Yet another reason to hate Elway and the Broncos.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness