Ruben's Writings

Fucking 2020. Can’t you let us have just one day of happiness without something terrible happening immediately afterwards? Saturday saw America flip blue, plenty of great CFB action, and news that the Foo Fighters are releasing a new album in February (their new single, “Shame Shame” is already out). It was altogether a damn good day. I woke up on Sunday ready for some RedZone and beer, only to see the news that Alex Trebek had died.

Trebek is a television legend, known primarily of course as the host of Jeopardy!. Trebek took over hosting duties in 1984 and held on for the rest of his life — 36 years and nearly 7,000 episodes later. During this time, he became a familiar, welcome fixture in millions of homes across the country — and other places around the world. Trebek brought smiles to every one of the show’s viewers through his wit and humor, which was always a treat to see spring forth from his gentlemanly persona. Trebek could take it as well as dish it out, which worked either way because of his soothing voice. He was the consummate professional — a perfect host.

Whether it be his actions on the show or his charity and hard work off set, Trebek showed time and time again just how good and pure of a person he was. It’s the kind of person who became like family to his viewers. You saw it when Trebek was diagnosed with cancer last year, with an outpouring of support and well wishes. You saw contestants throw away winnings just to show Trebek how much he meant to them. You saw it the night before he died, when a contestant revealed Trebek was the reason he learned English.

Before I really got into sports, I would spend a lot of time watching game shows. Match Game, Family Feud, Press Your Luck, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire were among my favorites, as was Jeopardy!. Trebek was my favorite host out of all of them. Occasionally at work — before the 7 p.m. show became a thing, anyway — we would tune into Jeopardy! for a fun distraction. Just last month, I ran a story about a young boy who dressed up as Trebek for Halloween and got a heartwarming response from the host himself. Although I obviously never met him or was even in the same place as he was, I always got a smile on my face anytime I saw or ready something about Trebek. There were only two exceptions — when I learned about his cancer diagnosis and when I heard he had died.

RIP to a legend, the GOAT Alex Trebek. At least you and Sean Connery can go at it again.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-8) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-6)

82.66 – 80.10

Even if the Jets would’ve held on to beat the Patriots, this still would’ve been the undisputed upset of the week. The Krispy Kritters, literally unable to change their lineup, did something they’ve been unable to do all season before: win a game. This, despite Saquon Barkley being out for the season, Miles Sanders being on a bye, and goose eggs from both Jamal Agnew and Le’Veon Bell. Matt Ryan (23 points) played well enough, while Terry McLaurin (17 points), Travis Kelce (15 points), and the Ravens defense made the final total at least respectable. So how did Richard finally get in the win column? He met someone with even worse lineup management. Footballdamus wasted good efforts from Aaron Rodgers (28 points), Younghoe Koo, and Fred Warner (12 points each) with poor performances from DeAndre Hopkins and David Johnson. Riez also left Tyler Boyd (bye) and Davonte Freeman (injury) in the lineup, while for the second week in a row Dalvin Cook (37 points) rode the bench. No sympathy for Riez on this one.

DARTH RAIDER (3-6) DEF. EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-2)

125.26 – 103.94

EKEing Out the Win is probably thankful for Footballdamus’ failure against The Krispy Kritters, or else all eyes would be on their own upset loss to Darth Raider. However, if we ignore the records, was this really an upset? Kyle has been winning despite not always scoring in bunches, while Arik has gotten rotten luck, having been scored on by far the most out of anyone in the league. This time, the shoe was on the other foot. The top and middle of both lineups pretty much matched up evenly. Deshaun Watson (Kyle) and Cam Newton (Arik) each put up 24 points, while each manager had two skill position players go off — D.K. Melcalf (16 points) and Jerry Jeudy (18 points) for Arik and James Robinson (15 points) and Will Fuller (16 points) for Kyle. But what separated these two was Kyle’s one weakness — defense/special teams. Jason Sanders (14 points), Roquan Smith (15 points), and the Giants defense (13 points) put Arik over the top and dealt Kyle something he’s not used to having: a losing streak. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-6) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (5-4)

89.70 – 81.76

What a weekend it was — the bottom three teams in the standings had won a combined four games going into the most recent matchups. They each won this past week. Three Eyed Ravens capped off the revolution with a performance that wasn’t their best, but was good enough. Ewing may continue to ignore my advice and start Justin Herbert (23 points) over Lamar Jackson (16 points), but it will hurt him some day. Jackson was the only player to do better than average, but even he failed to match expectations. No, the story of this one was Dixie Normous being dealt completely shitty luck. Ewing had only one player remaining going into Sunday Night, while Nick only needed to make up a 16-point deficit with Tom Brady and Ronald Jones still to go. Ewing’s player (Jared Cook) didn’t do anything, but Nick didn’t count on Brady having the worst game of his career and Jones being ineffective as well. Nick had one more chance with the Patriots defense, but an unexpected push from the Jets sealed his unlikely loss to Ewing.

JOP SUEY!!! (7-2) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-5)

120.52 – 94.10

So this basically sums up Orchids of Asia’s week. George Kittle is out for the season and Brandon Aiyuk misses his game due to being in close contact with what was later determined to be a false positive test. Then, I bench the Bills defense (which had been shredded recently) against the Seahawks, only for Buffalo to play its best game of the season to the chagrin of my QB, Russell Wilson (25 points). But you know what the most fucked up part of this is? None of it mattered, which I figured would happen as soon as Davante Adams (23 points) gave Jop Suey!!! a huge early lead. Darius Leonard (17 points) went beast mode against the Ravens and Kyler Murray (37 points) went gangbusters to pull Taylor away from me as Sunday afternoon ended. Even though the rest of Taylor’s lineup was average to weak, those three players did more than enough to put him over the top. I keep mentioning Taylor as having one of the hottest rosters in the league. I can tell you from experience, he does — check the Free Beer standings.

SLEEPING GIANTS (4-5) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-5)

101.58 – 77.92

Sleeping Giants have been slipping down the standings for several weeks, waiting for a hero to lift them to success. Finally, Dad’s Superman arrived — with a vengeance. Christian McCaffrey (27 points) made his long-awaited return from injury to great effect. That game also saw Dad get another heaping pile of points from Pat Mahomes (30 points). While the rest of the lineup wasn’t exactly up to par, the fact that Dad not only won but one big is a testament to how potentially good his offense could be while healthy. Of course, it’s also a testament to how poorly C’s New Champ Team performed. Brandin Cooks (14 points) did well enough, but it’s not a good sign when he gets as many points as Ryan Tanneheill. Devin White was the only other player on Chriss’ roster to even put up double digits, with poor efforts from Ezekiel Elliott, Mark Andrews, the Texans defense, and Chris Codwin not exactly helping. While Dad was able to snap his streak of poor performances, Chriss’ tough streak continues for another week.

49ERS (9-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-5)

104.50 – 82.70

With The Krispy Kritters’ first win of the season, there is only one “0” remaining in the Epic League. I speak of course about 49ers’ unbeaten record, which extended to nine wins over the weekend. Overall, Gee’s lineup didn’t give their best effort, but it didn’t matter thanks to two massive performances. Josh Allen (36 points) and Tyreek Hill (24 points) provided Gee more than half of his total offense, easily making up for poor efforts from the likes of Adam Thielen, J.K. Dobbins, and the Buccaneers defense. Gruden Grinders’ point total was a little more spread out, with Juju Smith-Schuster (15 points), Jason Myers (13 points) and Josh Jacobs (12 points) all having good days. But none of them were spectacular, while Derek Carr (14 points) was nowhere near as productive as Jimmy needed him to be. As Jimmy’s offense falters again, Gee gets another victory. More than halfway through the season and Gee has yet to falter. But while this week may be a wash, I’ve got my eyes on a salivating Week 11 showdown.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (9-0)*
2. Jop Suey!!! (7-2)
3. EKEing Out The Win (7-2)
4. Dixie Normous (5-4)
5. Orchids of Asia (4-5)
6. C’s New Champ Team (4-5)
7. Sleeping Giants (4-5)
8. Gruden Grinders (4-5)
9. Footballdamus (3-6)
10. Darth Raider (3-6)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (3-6)
12. The Krispy Kritters (1-8)

* = clinched playoffs

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Jop Suey!!! (1071.76)
2. 49ers (1059.68)
3. Darth Raider (979.58)
4. EKEing Out The Win (975.30)
5. Footballdamus (938.34)
6. Dixie Normous (935.02)
7. Orchids of Asia (906.86)
8. C’s New Champ Team (881.22)
9. Sleeping Giants (872.08)
10. Gruden Grinders (868.44)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (857.40)
12. The Krispy Kritters (711.34)

THREE TIMES THE BLUE BALLS

Halfway through the season, I’d say the most shocking upset is either the Cincinnati Bengals taking down the Tennessee Titans or the Minnesota Vikings running over the Green Bay Packers. This past weekend, we nearly got three different results that would’ve jumped to No. 1 on the list, only for each to slip by in heartbreaking fashion.

First, the Carolina Panthers nearly pulled a Las Vegas Raiders and outshot the Kansas City Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium. Carolina was up early thanks to a steady diet of giving Christian McCaffrey the ball, but Kansas City took the lead and threatened to pull away. But Teddy Bridgewater straight up balled the fuck out to keep the Panthers involved. In the end, Carolina’s final drive didn’t go far enough, with Joey Slye’s would-be game-winning 67-yard FG sailing just wide (incredibly it looked like it had the distance). Although it didn’t look like it early in the season, the Panthers are an incredibly competitive team with an outside shot at the playoffs. A lot of credit has to go to Bridgewater, along with Matt Rhule. Both have promising futures in the NFL.

Then, the NFL’s only undefeated team nearly lost to the worst defense in the league. For the first three quarters, the Dallas Cowboys were able to completely stifle the explosive Pittsburgh Steelers offense, while AAF veteran Garrett Gilbert gave his team a double-digit lead. But in the 4th quarter, Pittsburgh’s high end talent began to bail them out. The Steelers scored 15 unanswered points to end the game, although the final drive was aided by a somewhat controversial roughing the passer call. Credit to Pittsburgh for winning every game so far, but they are far from perfect and quite frankly haven’t been convincing in pretty much all but one of their wins so far. They’ve got a lot to get right before the playoffs, and not just their health.

Finally, Monday Night should’ve been the piece de resistance of schadenfreude against the New England Patriots. Facing the only winless team in the league, the Patriots instead got handled by the New York Jets early on. Joe Flacco continued to be a thorn in Bill Belichick’s side, while the Jets defense kept Cam Newton and company in check for most of the game. But then New York went ice cold in the 4th quarter, running only four plays in the final frame, one of them being an INT. The defense simply ran out of gas (the 12 men on the field penalty didn’t help, either). In the end, New England was able to do enough to get out with a last-second win, leaving the Jets still looking for their first victory of 2020 (please don’t let it be against the Raiders).

Speaking of the Raiders and near upsets…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

It’s been five days since the Raiders-Chargers game ended and I think my heart has finally stopped pounding. Jesus fucking Christ that shouldn’t have been as close as it was. I can’t believe there’s a team worse in the clutch than us. I can’t believe how cursed the bolts are.

Las Vegas did everything in its power to fall in this trap game. Derek Carr was decent enough and the combination of Josh Jacobs and the emerging Devontae Booker powered the offense to be powerful as usual. But the play calling was extremely questionable — an unusual misstep for a typically good offense. The defense was extremely good — during 1st and 2nd down. But Los Angeles was seemingly able to convert every single 3rd down, no matter the distance. Mike Williams was literally uncoverable, Keenan Allen completed slant routes for days, and the Chargers running game did what our offense usually does to everyone else — control time of possession. When Las Vegas had to settle for a FG towards the end of the game, I thought for sure this was the setup for a classic Raiders heartbreaking loss.

But then something more powerful took over — the Chargers’ ability to choke. While the Raiders did everything in their power to give this win away, Los Angeles decided to give it back. It was set up by Justin Herbert and the Chargers offense taking way too long to drive down the field on their final possession — way too many throws up the middle. Sure, they had plenty of time and all three time outs. But Los Angeles was way too far from the goal line until Williams made another out of nowhere big gain. That set up the most amazing part of the game — Isaiah Johnson, in defiance of Paul Guenther and God himself, actually made not one but two incredible defensive plays. Johnson first denied Williams a chance to end the game (and somehow knocked him out in the process), then somehow did enough to lodge the ball from Donald Parham’s grasp on the final play. Turns out, maybe Johnson had help from above, after best friend and former Houston teammate Ka’Darian Smith was killed last week. Good for Johnson to come up clutch after going through that kind of horrific tragedy. By the way, I have no idea why the Chargers didn’t go to Allen on either of those plays. 

We’re halfway through the schedule and the Silver and Black are 5-3. I will absolutely take that. Up next should be an easy opportunity for win No. 6 against the lowly Denver Broncos. But as we know, anything could happen as long as AFC West fuckery is present. Plus, there’s a decent chance the Raiders get at least partially punished for looking ahead a week to a Sunday Night Football showdown with the Kansas City Chiefs. First thing’s first — take care of the donkeys.

STAT OF THE WEEK

There’s an old saying that a righteous person doesn’t find joy in the suffering of others. Turns out, I’m not very righteous, because I got sadistic joy from watching Tom Brady and the Buccaneers get absolutely smacked by the Saints. Everything that could go wrong went wrong for Tampa Bay. Brady looked every bit his age, missing targets, throwing up ducks, and failing to communicate with his targets (in particular Antonio Brown [fuck him]). New Orleans capitalized on everything and even got a goal line stand to nearly pitch a shutout, which was ruined by the Buccaneers bitching out and kicking a FG just to score once. It’s the first time Brady has ever been swept by a divisional opponent — that’s what happens when you can’t feast on the AFC East. Seeing Brady get his ass kicked is so goddamn cathartic for everyone, but one person in particular.

Imagine how Jameis Winston felt Sunday night. The only franchise he’s ever known gets rid of him to get their hands on a washed up goat. He then resigns himself to being a backup and heads to a divisional rival. Then, after beating his old team in Week 1, he heads back to his old stadium for a rematch in prime time. His new team so thoroughly dominates his old team that he gets to go in the game during garbage time. Finally, before heading into the locker room to take part in an epic postgame dance, he stops by the TV cameras to eat a W. Winston’s gone through the whole redemption arc (for on-field performance anyway) in just a few months.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE PROBLEMS

Life as a Houston sports fan is not good right now. The Astros failed to pull a 2004 Boston Red Sox in the ALCS and are the most hated team in baseball thanks to their cheating scandal (happy anniversary, by the way). Russell Westbrook apparently wants out of the Rockets, who could potentially see the second-best player in franchise history, James Harden, move as well. Hell, even the Dynamo have the fewest points out of any MLS Western Conference team. 

Then we have the Texans, who may just be in the shittiest position of them all. In the past year, they’ve blown one of the biggest playoff leads in NFL history in spectacular fashion, traded away several notable names (including DeAndre Hopkins in a deal that will be made fun of for decades to come), and let go of the guy who was both their head coach and GM. Now, in the middle of what at best can be described as a disappointing season, the Texans are back in the news for yet another questionable decision, although in a much different light.

Yesterday, the Texans fired Amy Palcic, their VP of Communications, in what was reportedly a decision based on “cultural fit.” The problem? Seemingly no one had a problem with her. Palcic was named to her position in 2017, becoming the first and only woman to have full PR responsibilities (including communication with members of the media) for an NFL team. That same year, she and the Texans won the Rozelle Award for best PR staff, becoming the only person to claim the honor in their first year on the job. She apparently hadn’t gotten worse, with countless members of the national NFL media expressing their shock and displeasure at her dismissal. Like a shit ton of people.

So what gives? Why would Houston make this strange decision seemingly out of nowhere? It’s unclear, although some have speculated that politics were a factor. After Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were declared the winners of the presidential election, Palcic made several tweets in support of the Democratic ticket, particularly regarding Harris. Before his death, former Texans owner Bob McNair was a notable supporter of the Republican party, making several financial contributions to GOP politicians and policy efforts, including President Trump and Mitch McConnell. Texas is a red state. Maybe the whole “cultural fit” was red vs. blue, which is ironic given that those are the team’s two main colors.

It’s also ironic that Houston made this major move in favor of “culture.” The Texans are a losing team with no permanent head coach or GM, but a reputation of making dumb trades and blowing leads. Given that Palcic had been doing an amazing job, maybe her being good didn’t fit into the team’s culture of failure, whatever “culture” it actually has. That “culture” may soon get worse. Not only is the media pissed, but so are members of the team. J.J. Watt sent out a huge tweet praising Palcic. Watt, who was the subject of trade talks, may be on his way out of Houston. 

Over the past several years, the Texans have emerged as a contender, but fallen short in the playoffs. Given the sorry state of the current team, the lack of immediate draft capital, injuries, and now the continued befuddlement of the front office, and Houston’s championship window may have been shut for many years. I feel sorry for what Deshaun Watson is going to endure over the coming decade.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 14TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS 2 DAYS FROM NOW! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

It’s Final Jeopardy time — don’t guess wrong.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 12, 1990, one of the biggest physical beatdowns in NFL history somehow lived up to its pregame hype. Despite a 13-7 loss to the Redskins less than a month earlier, Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan was confident in Philadelphia’s chances in a rematch on Monday Night Football. Before the game, Ryan told reporters the Eagles would beat the Redskins so badly that Washington would “

have to be carted off in body bags.” What happened on the field was pretty much exactly that. Nine Redskins players had to leave due to injuries, with one Eagles player reportedly reacting to one such injury by saying “Do you guys need any more body bags?”. Two of those injuries were to the only active QBs on Washington’s roster (Jeff Rutledge and Stan Humphries), forcing them to end the game with rookie RB Brian Mitchell (who would go on to become one of the greatest returners in NFL history) behind center. As for the actual football being played, Philadelphia took control with 21 points in the 3rd quarter, pulling away for a 28-14 win. But the score didn’t matter — the pregame comments and the game’s physical nature gave this contest one of the best nicknames ever — the “Body Bag Game.” However, what happened on the field that day only tells part of this story. The Eagles used momentum from this win to finish strong at 10-6, good enough to host a Wild Card game. Their opponent — none other than the Redskins, who managed to recover and fight to a 10-6 record of their own. In the playoff rubber match, Washington exacted revenge, winning 20-6 and forcing Philadelphia into its third straight first round playoff loss. Although they would lose the following week, Redskins players and coaches say the Body Bag Game brought them together, laying the foundation for Washington to win Super Bowl XXXVII the next season. Meanwhile, frustrated at a lack of postseason success, the Eagles fired Ryan after the 1990 season. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2019 — The Athletic publishes an article by Ken Rosenthal and Evan Drellich in which pitcher Mike Fiers reveals the Houston Astros used a video camera to electronically steal signs from opposing teams, beginning the Astros sign stealing scandal. Yes, I will address the Alex Cora rehiring in this newsletter.
• 2019 — Disney launches its on-demand streaming service, Disney+.
• 2003 — Shanghai Transrapid sets a new world speed record (311 mph) for commercial railway systems.
• 1997 — Ramzi Yousef is found guilty of masterminding the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
• 1990 — Tim Berners-Lee publishes a formal proposal for the World Wide Web.
• 1981 — The Space Shuttle Columbia becomes the first manned spacecraft to be launched into space twice.
• 1980 — NASA space probe Voyager I makes its closest approach to Saturn and takes the first images of its rings.
• 1979 — In response to the hostage situation in Tehran, President Jimmy Carter orders a halt to all petroleum imports into the U.S. from Iran.
• 1970 — The Oregon Highway Division attempts to destroy a rotting beached Sperm whale with explosives, leading to the now infamous “exploding whale” incident.
• 1969 — Journalist Seymour Hersh breaks the story of the My Lai Massacre.
• 1958 — A team of rock climbers led by Warren Harding completes the first ascent of The Nose on El Capitan in Yosemite.
• 1954 — Ellis Island ceases operations.
• 1946 — The controversial, racist Walt Disney movie Song of the South is released.
• 1936 — The San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge opens to traffic.
• 1931 — The Chicago Blackhawks defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs 2-1 in the first game played at Maple Leaf Gardens.
• 1920 — Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis becomes the first MLB Commissioner.
• 1892 — Pudge Heffelfinger becomes the first professional American football player, participating in his first paid game for the Allegheny Athletic Association.
• 1439 — Plymouth becomes the first town incorporated by the English Parliament.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1988 — Russell Westbrook, Houston Rockets point guard.
• 1985 — Arianny Celeste, iconic UFC Octagon Girl.
• 1982 — Anne Hathaway, actress known for a lot of things.
• 1980 — Ryan Gosling, actor known for a lot of things.
• 1970 — Tonya Harding, former figure skater involved with a minor controversy surrounding her rival, Nancy Kerrigan.
• 1968 — Sammy Sosa, former MLB slugger linked to steroids and corked bats.
• 1945 — Neil Young, musician best known for a lot of things.
• 1944 — Al Michaels, iconic sports broadcaster and current play-by-play announcer for Sunday Night Football.
• 1889 — DeWitt Wallace, co-founder of Reader’s Digest.

DEATHS:

• 2018 — Stan Lee, creator of the Marvel Comics universe.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National French Dip Day! This day only became a thing two years ago, created in 2018 by Cole’s Pacific Electric Buffet in honor of its 110th anniversary. Cole’s is one of two Los Angeles restaurants — along with Philippe’s — that claim to be the inventor of the French dip. Evidence in favor of Philippe’s: not only was the restaurant’s founder French, but the name itself is a sort of double entendre about French women that only a Frenchman would make. Evidence in favor of Cole’s: the name comes from the type of bread, not the country of origin of the founder, and a chef was actually the first to dip the sandwich in au jus, after a customer with sensitive teeth asked for a way to soften his food. Pretty much every source I’ve found in my five minutes of research sides with Philippe’s, not just with origin but in quality of product. One big difference: the sandwich is served how you’d typically expect (with the au jus on the side) at Cole’s, while at Philippe’s they dip the bread in au jus before serving. The French dip definitely ranks high on my all-time sandwich tier, but I’ve never had it the Philippe’s way. I’m definitely intrigued, though

.THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

YOUTH BRINGING BACK ‘MULLET’ HAIRSTYLE

ABILENE, Texas –The Hockey Cut, Bi-Level, Tennessee Top Hat, no matter what you call it, the mantra was the same.

“It’s business in the front and it’s party in the back,” said George Levesque.

For teenagers in the 80s and 90s like Levesque, the mullet was the haircut to have.

“I thought, ‘That guy’s hair is cool and it’s this long. I’m going to be an inch longer and then I’ll be an inch cooler,’” said Levesque.

For some, the style is buried deep in a photo album, but for others it’s the hit of their Instagram page.

“I’ve always had longer hair and they just said, ‘Go for it,’” said Wylie Sophomore Carter Beard.

READ MORE

To be honest, I did not run this story in my show — I would’ve been crucified. But I happened to see one of our affiliate stations do this story, which ended up being a two and a half-minute long package. I couldn’t not talk about a nearly three-minute long story about mullets.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 GREATEST GAME SHOWS

During my pre-sports obsession summer vacations, I developed a love for game shows. Although it has waned somewhat, I still have a soft spot for these ridiculous shows and their over-the-top hosts/guests. Some I never particularly cared about, but others — including many that were at that point purely a collection of reruns — were still fun as hell for even my small(er) brain to comprehend. Naturally, I developed a list of favorites. In honor of Alex Trebek, let’s take a look back down memory lane.

My one qualification: I must have seen at least two episodes of a show for it to make the list. This means a lot of older favorites from the black and white days — What’s My Line?, To Tell the Truth, You Bet Your Life — unfortunately don’t quite cut it. This also somewhat controversially means The Gong Show is also left off. I’ve never seen a single episode. In addition, I’m not including any shows based on physical competition and obstacle courses, such as Wipeout, or any where something other than cash prizes are up for grabs, like The Dating Game or Love Connection. I consider those to be a different breed. Only shows set in studios with gameplay based purely on wit, knowledge, and luck are eligible. 

HONORABLE MENTION: PRESS YOUR LUCK

Press Your Luck might be my favorite game show ever, if only for the visual gags. Contestants must do well with trivia to earn spins on the prize wheel and luck to avoid hitting the “Whammy” — a red cartoon devil-looking creature that steals your money. While I’m a fan of the luck-based gameplay, I’m more partial to the animations that play when someone lands on a Whammy.

HONORABLE MENTION: PASSWORD

The first of the many shows in this section to feature celebrity guests, Password has famous people and normies team up to try and guess mystery words based on one-word cues. It’s a simple premise, but one that’s turned out both drama and laughter in spades. However, it’s that simplicity that keeps it from the Top 10 for me, unlike one of its more flamboyant cousins. 

HONORABLE MENTION: DEAL OR NO DEAL

This was probably the most recent game show to achieve major popularity. Deal or No Deal, with Howie Mandel directing contestants to pick between dozens of briefcases held by beautiful models, each containing a sum between one cent and a million dollars (the cases, I mean). This one was purely luck-based, which increased the drama throughout each game being played. 

HONORABLE MENTION: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER?

As much as this was seen as more of a Jeff Foxworthy (and later John Cena) vehicle, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? was nonetheless an intriguing concept that managed to string together some genuine laughs. Watching contestants struggle to go toe-to-toe with mere children proves how little we retain any of the essentials needed to pass elementary school.  

10. HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

Boasting a setting where the actual game was second fiddle to the comedy, Hollywood Squares had a format that could be summed up as “ad-lib.” Contestants play tic-tac-toe, using boxes occupied by celebrities, each being asked a question by the host. But in order to get the square, you need to determine whether or not the celebs are answering truthfully. While the stars had been prepped with bluffs before the show, they were being asked and responding to the questions for the very first time, with the novelty often leading to some quite hilarious moments.

9. THE NEWLYWED GAME

Has there been a better recipe for entertainment than watching relationships fall apart in person because the pair don’t know each other as well as they thought they did? That’s The Newlywed Game in a nutshell. Newly married couples are pitted against each other, with the goal of answering personal questions about each other for cash prizes. Because of the relationship of the contestants, sex was often brought up as a topic. Although since this was the 1960’s and 70’s, they had to refer to it as “making whoopee,” which is hilarious to look back on now.

8. PYRAMID (SERIES)

There have been several different versions of the Pyramid game, usually differentiated by the grand prize value (the highest being The $100,000 Pyramid). But regardless of the amount of money up for grabs, the premise remains the same. Teams of two try to guess a series of words or phrases using hints, with the final round showing the topics in a pyramid format. The style of this display made it so as each game wound down, it was easy to track how far contestants had to go. It made things exciting towards the end, with games often decided at the last second.

7. LET’S MAKE A DEAL

There’s playing the game against others or against a system. Then there’s playing the game against yourself. That’s what Let’s Make a Deal is all about. Contestants are given a prize, but also an option for a different prize. However, they don’t know what that prize is — it could be even better than what they have or virtually worthless (“it could even be a boat“). Each new deal is presented in a higher stakes and crazier fashion. Making this more surreal is the fact that the audience dresses up in elaborate costumes in order to increase their odds of being chosen. 

6. WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE

The first game show I really got into, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire took the classic quiz setup and elevated it to new heights. Contestants answer a series of progressively harder questions, working their way up to the literal million-dollar multiple choice question. The three lifelines (phone a friend, ask the audience, eliminate two wrong answers) not only made the game better, but even made their way into popular culture. Host Regis Philbin, who also passed away this year, was the perfect amount of charming and cool, endearing himself to the viewers.  

5. MATCH GAME

Arguably the best game show of the 1960’s and 70’s, Match Game used to be perfect. Host Gene Rayburn guided contestants to fill in the “blank” in random sentences, hoping to get the same answer as the celebrities in the six-person panel. Of course, the celebrities would steal the show with their humor and… interesting answers. Richard Dawson, Brett Somers, Betty White, and the GOAT Charles Nelson Reilly were the ingredients to make the perfect amount of chaotic goodness. The current show hosted by Alec Baldwin is a farce compared to the old days.

4. WHEEL OF FORTUNE

Wheel of Fortune isn’t as much a game show as it is an institution. The show, which celebrated its 45th anniversary in January, is one of the longest-running syndicated game shows in the U.S., with more than seven-thousand episodes. Since the early 1980’s Pat Sajak and Vanna White have watched thousands of contestants spin the wheel for potential prizes, then try to solve word-based puzzles by filling in missing letters. Many people have dreamt about getting the chance to have their spin at the wheel, which would probably end by landing on the “bankrupt” wedge. 

3. THE PRICE IS RIGHT

The ultimate tribute to American capitalism, The Price Is Right has contestants battle it out over who knows the prices of various products the best. Another show with a huge history, there have been more than nine-thousand episodes since its debut in 1972. You need a good host to last that long, so enter Bob “The Price is Wrong, Bitch” Barker, who became arguably the most beloved old man in the world. Barker, who must be protected from 2020 at all costs, retired in 2007 and was replaced by Drew Carey, who’s managed to steer the ship well in his place.

2. FAMILY FEUD

No matter the era and no matter who’s the host, the Family Feud formula has proved to be a guaranteed success over the past several decades. Two families compete to guess the correct responses to a random survey, filled with all sorts of questions. Although you could call the Richard Dawson era the show’s golden age, there’s been a revival over the past decade with Steve Harvey in charge. There’s seemingly a monthly incident where a contestant accidentally says something inappropriate — just ask the NFL’s all-time sack leader, Bruce Smith. 

1. JEOPARDY!

Of course it had to be Jeopardy!. While most other game shows are based on luck or beating the system, this show requires its winners to be smart. It’s why its winners are perhaps the most celebrated game show winners out there. Anyone who gets an answer correct while watching feels like a genius. It’s also a competition format, with contestants able to pick from various topics and change the game based on how much they wager. Of course, the cherry on top was the incredible Alex Trebek. His presence can never be replaced and he will be dearly missed.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

JOP SUEY!!! (7-2) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (4-5)

Jop Suey!!! is officially the league’s hottest team, having risen to the top of the Free Beer standings. But Taylor has bigger goals — 2nd overall playoff position and a chance to avoid 49ers until the Epic Bowl. Taylor will need to keep scoring to get there and it seems like he’ll be able to do just that. Kyler Murray is on fire and the Bills defense, while they did well against the Seahawks, still let Russell Wilson get plenty of points. Davante Adams and the pissed off Packers are all set to roll over the Jaguars. Robert Woods, Alvin Kamara, Melvin Cordon, and Antonio Gibson look ready to explode. Darius Leonard and the Colts defense are seemingly always good for a point rush. Standing in front of them is Gruden Grinders, who will nervously rely on the Raiders (Derek Carr, Josh Jacobs, Henry Ruggs) to put up points. Tyler Lockett and Aaron Jones have also been known to get Jimmy plenty of points, though he’ll probably need a lot more from Juju Smith-Schuster and the Bears defense to get the win this week.

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-3) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (4-5)

Just when it seemed like Sleeping Giants would start to get back on track, bad luck strikes again. Christian McCaffrey is likely out with a different injury, while Pat Mahomes is on a bye. In their place, Dad is sending out Tua Tagovailoa and Jordan Wilkins. Not exactly MVP material. That being said, David Montgomery, Diontae Johnson, and Marvin Jones all have big play potential. It’s just a matter if those big plays will be enough to stop Dixie Normous, looking for redemption after several spots in the lineup failed to perform. Tom Brady will look to rebound from the worst game of his career, while Keenan Allen will hurt Dad’s Dolphins defense with every catch. D.J. Chark and Ronald Jones should be in for bounce back weeks, while James Conner and Joe Mixon will take turns running up the points for Nick. The Eagles defense returns this week with a chance to collect even more turnovers from the Giants offense. Nick’s lineup will come ready to play. It’s just a matter if Dad can keep up with the scoring.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-6)

So it appears Footballdamus finally has an updated roster and Riez may finally have removed his head from his ass. His reward? Getting to play one of the top teams in the league in EKEing Out The Win. However, Kyle is on a bit of a downward trend, which is reflected in his lineup. D.J. Moore and Marquise Brown have been disappointing, while Deshaun Watson, James Robinson, and Will Fuller are in tough matchups this week (bold of Kyle to place like half of his eggs in the Texans basket). Still, there’s little reason to not expect Kyle to put up points. The same can be said for Riez, who finally put Dalvin Cook and Gus Edwards back into the lineup. Throw that in with potential boom players like Aaron Rodgers, DeAndre Hopkins, Darren Waller, and the Steelers defense, and Riez may be ready to go toe-to-toe with Kyle. This matchup is significant for two different playoff races. Kyle needs to protect his position near the top of the standings, while Riez needs to seriously worry about getting in the playoffs at all.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-5) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-5)

Over the past two weeks, Orchids of Asia has lost two straight matchups and gone from 6th to… 5th place. Yep, I somehow get a small nibble of luck from the fantasy football gods. But that luck is now over — I have to win in order to keep what playoff standing I have. This is concerning because I have no fucking clue what to expect from my team anymore. Can Russell Wilson put points without the turnovers? Can A.J. Brown and D’Andre Swift keep producing? Will Chase Claypool, Robby Anderson, Devin Singletary, and Eric Ebron produce at all? What the hell can I make of the Bills defense? I’d better figure it out, because C’s New Champ Team is coming in locked and loaded. Drew Brees, Kareem Hunt, Chris Carson, Mark Andrews, and the Saints defense all seem primed for big weekends. Justin Kefferson and Christian Cook are sleepers to perform well. Chriss is only a handful of points behind me in the standings. If Chriss can win, not only will his footing be more secure, but I may suddenly be in a world of pure shit.

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-6) VS. DARTH RAIDER (3-6)

Once left for dead, Darth Raider and Three Eyed Ravens have suddenly roared back to life, each winning two straight to put themselves on the border of a playoff spot. Unfortunately, their roads to the postseason now cross, meaning either Ewing or Arik could fall back permanently with a loss. Arik has always been able to score, thanks to the likes of D.K. Metcalf, Cooper Kupp, and Jerry Jeudy. But Teddy Bridgewater, Rob Gronkowski, and the Giants defense haven’t always been reliable, while Nick Chubb may not even play, let alone be productive. This could open the door for Ewing, assuming Lamar Jackson can undo the Greg Roman curse. Stefon Doggs, Zack Moss, and Jonathan Taylor have been solid, while Ewing is also activating his secret weapon (you’re welcome): Michael Thomas. If Thomas can reach the production he’s been known for, this could give Ewing the edge for an unlikely playoff berth. But it may not matter if Arik can score at his usual hectic rate. The big question: can Ewing keep up in this must-win showdown?

49ERS (9-0) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-8)

What the fuck were the Boston Red Sox thinking in rehiring Alex Cora? Naming a guy who had just spent the past year out of baseball as punishment for his role in the biggest scandal the sport has seen since the Chicago Black Sox manager, then trying to slide the decision through during a Friday news dump during a presidential election, is shady as fuck. While I’m forever thankful to Cora for the success of 2018. But what he did with the Houston Astros violated the rules and ethics of the game — that can’t be forgiven. I have enough trouble trying to (rightfully) explain that Boston’s rules violations were a far cry from what the Astros did. But to openly invite Cora back into the fold (coupled with the Detroit Tigers hiring A.J. Hinch) only serves to try to make Houston’s bullshit slap on the wrist by Rob Manfred seem legit. Plus, it’s not like Cora was the reason the Red Sox won in 2018. The offense isn’t as good as before, the pitching is hurt and atrocious, and Mookie Betts isn’t in the lineup. I do not support this decision.

ONE LAST THING

Are you ready for the dumbest MLS story of all time?

Over the weekend, the Philadelphia Union defeated the New England Revolution 2-0 to win the Supporter’s Shield, which is awarded to the Major League Soccer team that totalled the most points/had the best record in the regular season. It’s a big honor for every team, but especially so for the Union, which had never before won a trophy in their history. However, there was a problem. Before the game began, Philadelphia learned that the trophy — which was won by LAFC last year — would not arrive from Los Angeles in time.

Now you might look at the photo above and wonder how that can be true if they’re holding a trophy. Well, this is the Supporter’s Shield. Look back at the picture and notice something’s slightly off with the trophy. So if that’s not the Shield, what exactly are they holding? Well, they were still holding a shield.

In what is one of the weirdest “I know a guy” stories I’ve ever seen, the Union web manager said his fiancee’s sister’s boyfriend had a shield. As a matter of fact, it was a legit replica of Captain America’s shield, which was part of a costume. Once he agreed to let the team borrow it, they drove across state lines to his home in New Jersey and used a heat gun to stick a vinyl print of the Supporter’s Shield onto it. They then gave that shield to their players to hoist up and run around and celebrate being the best team in the league.

To recap: the top soccer team in the U.S. used a replica Captain America shield they hot glued vinyl over as a substitute for a trophy to celebrate their biggest accomplishment ever. I can’t remember hating and loving a story this much at the same time. This is why the rest of the world will never take American soccer seriously.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness