Ruben's Writings

So, who wants to feel old?

The world premiere of Toy Story was 25 years ago today.

Back in 1995, animation (particularly 3D) was in its rough stages, Pixar was a fledgling studio hoping to find some success, and no one had ever wondered what their toys do while they’re gone. But then Toy Story happened, spawning a media empire that would become arguably the most profitable unit in the Disney armada. While the 3D animation is rough in some places and it’s clear where leaps and bounds have been made, the quality still holds up incredibly well. It’s also a heartwarming story filled with humor, betrayal, forgiveness, and creativity. It’s one of the few movies to currently have a 100% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It remains one of my favorite movies of all time and one of the first I plan to show to my children.

Yeah, when a theme idea this obvious smacks me in the head, I have to run with it.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-6) DEF. EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-3)

113.70 – 88.82

Naturally, after losing to the only winless team in the league, Footballdamus beats one of the teams tied for second place. Naturally. What happened was that Riez finally changed his lineup and his players actually produced. Funny enough when Dalvin Cook (11 points) is finally back as a starter, he’s not even in the Top 4 of Riez’s scorers. That honor goes to Aaron Rodgers (26 points), Mike Evans (13 points), the Steelers defense (12 points), and DeAndre Hopkins (19 points) and his Hail Murray (more on that later). That was more than enough to eke out a win against… EKEing out the win. Deshaun Watson (14 points) did largely nothing, as everyone apart from D.J. Moore (16 points) and Chris Boswell (14 points) made mild contributions. For Kyle, this season is starting to turn into a concern. Kyle has lost three straight games, going from tied for first to potentially the middle of the pack. While he’s still got some breathing room, Kyle’s next two opponents are the only two teams ahead of him in the standings.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-5) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (7-3)

111.02 – 107.20

I found the one QB Taylor hates more than Pat Mahomes — Kirk Cousins. His mistakes were enough to power the Bears defense, giving Gruden Grinders the last-minute edge over Jop Suey!!!. The Monday Night comeback put to waste an incredible effort by Kyler Murray (30 points), as well as Alvin Kamara (27 points). But what those two performances mask is an overall mediocre effort by most of the rest of the offense. Robert Woods, Melvin Gordon, and Mike Davis in particular did a whole lot of nothing. To be fair, Jimmy’s entire lineup didn’t set the world on fire. Carson Wentz finished in single digits, while the Bears defense also had to help overcome goose eggs from Jimmy Graham and Travis Fulgham. But as usual, Jimmy’s strength came from his running game, with Josh Jacobs (25 points) and Ronald Jones (23 points) providing enough early momentum to keep pace until more relief could come in. For someone who’s had trouble scoring, Jimmy managed to get himself a heaping pile of points at exactly the right time.

SLEEPING GIANTS (5-5) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (5-5)

99.16 – 96.24

It’s incredible how the middle of the lineup can either make or break a team. Take this matchup for example. Sleeping Giants was without Pat Mahomes and Christian McCaffrey, while Tua Tagovailoa only managed 15 points. However, Dad was able to get good help from Diontae Johnson (17 points), Marvin Jones (15 points), Tee Higgins (15 points), and Boston Scott (14 points), allowing him to post a respectable score, one that was in fact good enough to secure a victory. Meanwhile, Dixie Normous missed out on a great opportunity to catch the two closest teams in front of them, despite a terrific, 31-point day from Tom Brady. Mediocre performances from D.J. Chark, James Conner, Giovanni Bernard, and DeVante Parker dragged Nick’s score down, with Danny Trevathan unable to do enough to mount a Monday Night comeback and prevent another upset. Fun fact: the No. 2, No. 3, No. 4, and No. 5 seeds all lost this past weekend! Gotta love it! Wait a minute… (checks standings) SON OF A BITCH! 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (5-5) DEF. ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-6)

91.94 – 87.12

With all due respect to C’s New Champ Team (congrats on the much-needed win, Chriss), I’m gonna focus this recap on Orchids of Asia QB Russell Wilson. Russ, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! I got the biggest break (no pun intended) ever when Drew Brees missed the entire second half due to injury. But instead of scoring to give me as much of a cushion as possible, you give me ELEVEN GODDAMN POINTS — that’s ten fewer than your previous low this season. If you throw so much as one — ONE — TD, I probably win. But instead you prefer to ignore wide open receivers and turf so free of defenders that you could probably run untouched into the end zone in favor of chucking the ball to defenders. You know what happened, Russ? You got too big for your britches, which is impressive given your stature. You’ve become so focused on getting money for “cooking” you’ve neglected to make sure your dishes aren’t worthy of Gordon Ramsay’s biggest tongue lashing. Get your shit together for the playoff push.  

DARTH RAIDER (4-6) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-7)

104.84 – 80.26

Uh oh. We might’ve let the dark horse into the playoffs. Despite never being above .500 all season and at one point posting a 1-6 record, Darth Raider has consistently been able to put up points — they’re currently third in the Free Beer standings. Arik just needed some not completely shitty luck to turn things around. It appears he’s gotten just what he wanted. Arik has now won three straight and crept into the final postseason spot, thanks to some unconventional methods. Teddy Bridgewater (20 points) was a sneaky good move, while Roquan Smith (17 points) let Arik pull away on Monday. It also helped that Nick Chubb (18 points) returned from injury. Chubb’s anti-TD at the end didn’t matter, despite a lack of production from the rest of Arik’s skill positions. That’s because Three Eyed Ravens had an even worse day from their guys, J.D. McKissic and Stefon Diggs aside. Ewing may be trying to get into the playoffs with only Lamar Jackson (22 points) again. But this loss has put him on the outside looking in — at least for now.

49ERS (10-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-9)

92.46 – 27.70

Fortunately for my sanity and your ability to beat a dead horse, this is the first newsletter after the trade deadline. Usually, I’d include my initial review of all the trades made in the league. But this year I figured I’d save my trade reviews for the final newsletter, when I make my final views known. It’s just too much work that I deem unnecessary. Plus, it gives me more to talk about for a newsletter where I’ll need the extra content, especially with the few last-minute trades made in the past few days. However, one segment will be making a return today — the “In Memoriam” section. That’s right, The Krispy Kritters have finally run out of chances. The best Richard can finish is 4-9, which is worse than what the seven of the Top 8 teams can do. In addition, two of the three teams tied for 8th place — Darth Raider and Footballdamus — play each other in Week 13, meaning the worst either can finish is 4-8-1. While “In Memoriam” won’t be back for at least a couple of weeks, Richard can take “pride” in being the first to start planning for 2021.

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (10-0)*
2. Jop Suey!!! (7-3)
3. EKEing Out The Win (7-3)
4. Dixie Normous (5-5)
5. Gruden Grinders (5-5)
6. C’s New Champ Team (5-5)
7. Sleeping Giants (5-5)
8. Darth Raider (4-6)
9. Footballdamus (4-6)
10. Orchids of Asia (4-6)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (3-7)
12. The Krispy Kritters (1-9)e

* = clinched playoffs

e = eliminated

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Jop Suey!!! (1178.96)
2. 49ers (1152.14)
3. Darth Raider (1084.42)
4. EKEing Out The Win (1064.12)
5. Footballdamus (1052.04)
6. Dixie Normous (1031.26)
7. Orchids of Asia (993.98)
8. Gruden Grinders (979.46)
9. C’s New Champ Team (973.16)
10. Sleeping Giants (971.24)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (937.66)
12. The Krispy Kritters (739.04)

IN MEMORIAM

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (RICHARD)

How does the team with the second overall pick in the draft end up being the first team eliminated from playoff contention? Bad luck and an inability to fix it. For some reason, Richard couldn’t get into his fantasy football page on Yahoo! and thus couldn’t alter his lineup. After a couple of losses he stopped trying altogether. But even if he couldn’t get into his roster, there’s still a chance to get lucky. Hell, Chriss almost made the playoffs last season while dealing with the same problem. Unfortunately, the Krispy Kritters lineup wouldn’t be as lucky. Richard’s best chance at a win before Riez out-technology problemed him was Week 2, when I made that incredible, nearly 70-point comeback. Then the roof fell on top of Richard when Saquon Barkley went down. Miles Sanders has also been an injury machine and Le’Veon Bell has been… inconsistent. Only Matt Ryan, Terry McLaurin, Travis Kelce, and the Ravens defense have been remotely productive. Richard has had his eyes on 2021 all season. Now, he can officially start planning for next year.

DELIRIUM IN THE DESERT

2020 has been a bizarre year, but even more so for the state of Arizona. First, the Coyotes not only made the playoffs, but won their qualifying series against the Nashville Predators. Then, the Grand Canyon state turned blue for the first time since 1996. Now, more than halfway through the NFL season, the Cardinals are in first place in the NFC West. 

This is surprising, to say the least. The Cardinals are leading a division that includes the past two Super Bowl runners-up and the team with the MVP of the first half of the season. They’re also doing it without any semblance of defense. Kyler Murray is becoming a force of his own and a dark horse MVP candidate of his own. It helps that Bill O’Brien was willing to part with arguably the best WR in football without getting even a 1st round pick in return. DeAndre Hopkins has been a godsend in Arizona, even before what happened last weekend.

That Hail Mary — since named “Hail Murray” — was fucking incredible. Having already come back from a double-digit deficit, the Cardinals were now trying to come back after giving up a TD with just over 30 seconds left. Murray got them near position for a reasonable attempt before being forced to dodge, dip, dive, duck, and dodge, then throw a prayer into the end zone. With Murray needing to look to the big board to watch what happened, Hopkins somehow fought off three defenders to pull down the ball with one second to play. It was simply insane. 

Fans and pundits alike have been going apeshit over this play since then, with good reason. It was an absolutely incredible play, one that will go down in history (and not just because it already has its own Wikipedia page). But I’ve been doing some research and looking at other Wikipedia pages. Turns out, this is far from the only miraculous, amazing, legendary football moment that’s happened in Arizona — specifically, the home of the Cardinals.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 INCREDIBLE MOMENTS AT STATE FARM STADIUM

Since it opened in 2006, State Farm Stadium (also known as the Big Toaster) has been one of the premier sporting venues in the country. $455M got a seating capacity of 63,400 (expandable to between 72,000 and 78,600), no obstructed views, 88 luxury suites, the NFL’s first removable field, and the first ever retractable roof built on an incline. It’s still a state-of-the-art venue nearly a decade and a half later, so it’s no reason that its use hasn’t been limited to just Cardinals games. State Farm Stadium is the current home of the Fiesta Bowl, has been the site of two Super Bowls (and will see a third in 2023) and three college football national championship games, and even hosted events like the NCAA Final Four, the CONCACAF Gold Cup, and the Copa America Centenario. Not only have those events been for the highest stakes, but many of them also happened to live up to the hype, producing some of the most memorable moments in their sport’s history. This venue may have all others beat in terms of sheer craziness.

HONORABLE MENTION: MOST SEAHAWKS GAMES

Remember in a recent newsletter when I went through some of the batshit crazy Seahawks-Cardinals games that have taken place in Arizona? Yeah, those don’t even make the list in this case. While those games were some of the most memorable in the regular season, it takes something truly extraordinary to be on the list. Seattle does make some appearances, though.

HONORABLE MENTION: DOS A CERO

I love it when the U.S. beats Mexico in soccer, especially when it’s done by the famous 2-0 scoreline. That exact scenario played out in 2007, when these two rivals squared off in the first ever soccer game held at State Farm Stadium. In fact, Mexico was so pissed after losing this game by the “Dos a Cero” score that they refused to shake hands with the U.S. afterwards. 

10. BEAST QUAKE 2.0

Nearly four years after unleashing arguably the greatest run in NFL history, Marshawn Lynch did it again. But while the fans in Arizona weren’t as excited as those in Seattle, the run was almost as impressive. Starting at the Seahawks 21-yard line, Lynch took the handoff and broke a tackle on his way to the right side of the field, where he broke even more tackles by Cardinals players before jumping over the goal line. The 79-yard run was the longest of Lynch’s career. Amazingly, just a few weeks later Lynch wouldn’t be called upon to get one more yard (more on that later).

9. LET OFF THE HOOK

The first ever Monday Night Football game at State Farm Stadium saw one of the most incredible comebacks and memorable rants in NFL history. The 1-5 Cardinals were leading the 6-0 Bears 20-0 at the half. But then Chicago’s non-offense went to work, scoring on two fumble recoveries and returning a punt for a TD to take the lead. Arizona still had a chance, but missed a late FG as Chicago won 24-23. Of course, the game is best known for Cardinals coach Dennis Green’s legendary postgame tirade, during which he confirmed they were who they thought they were.

8. THE SHOOTOUT THAT SPARKED A RIVALRY

State Farm Stadium played host to the second ever CFP National Championship Game, one that saw the birth of a historic rivalry. No. 1 Clemson and No. 2 Alabama combined for 85 points and 1,023 yards in the highest scoring title game in CFB history. The Crimson Tide managed to hold on 45-40 to win the championship, but it was not the last time they had to tango with the Tigers. Clemson and Alabama would play each other in the next three playoffs, twice in the title game (both wins by the Tigers). But all of that began with this historic shootout in the desert.

7. HAIL MURRAY

This may obviously be the newest addition to the list, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve to be here. A rally from down two scores. A presumed game-winning TD with 34 seconds left. An actual game-winning Hail Mary pass with a second to go. This was an incredible game, one that has a nonzero chance of getting a runback in Super Bowl LV (or maybe even the next few). But in the contest of this list, such a spectacular result can only go up so high. In fact, the play of the 2020 NFL seasons so for isn’t even the most amazing Hail Mary to be featured on this list. 

6. WILD ENDING IN THE WILD CARD

This is one of the more forgotten playoff classics in recent memory. The Cardinals and Packers put on a show in the 2009 Wild Card round, setting numerous offensive records in what remains the highest scoring playoff game in NFL history. But for all the offense between Green Bay and Arizona, it was a defensive play that won it, as Michael Adams knocked the ball from Aaron Rodgers, with Carlos Dansby taking it into the endzone for a 51-45 Cardinals OT win. Still, insanely, this isn’t even the highest-ranked Packers-Cardinals playoff game on this list.  

5. HAIL MARY, BUT THEN LARRY

That honor — for both the Hail Mary and Cardinals-Packers playoff battles — goes to this 2015 Divisional Round clash. Down 20-13 with less than a minute left, Aaron Rodgers connected with Jeff Janis twice — first on a 60-yard pass on 4th and 20 (at Green Bay’s four-yard line), then on a Hail Mary as time expired to force OT. But neither would touch the ball in the extra frame, as Larry Fitzgerald put Arizona on his back. A 75-yard scamper by Fitzgerald to start OT set up the game-winning TD pass two plays later, with the Cardinals pulling off the stunning 26-20 win.

4. WAS HE DOWN?

The last BCS National Championship Game held at State Farm Stadium featured one of the most bizarre, controversial endings in title game history. With No. 1 Auburn and No. 2 Oregon tied 19-19 late, Michael Dyer appeared to have been tackled for a decent gain. However, Dyer fell on top of a defender without his knees or elbows touching the ground, so he got back up and ran for 30 more yards. Later in the drive, Dyer appeared to have scored, but was ruled down just before the end zone. That let the Tigers wind the clock down and kick a FG to win 22-19 as time expired. 

3. THE BUTLER DID IT

Here’s the good thing about Super Bowl XLIX — we hoped the ending wouldn’t erase the memory of Jermaine Kearse’s insane bobbling on the ground catch that put the Seahawks in position to win the game. Fortunately, every time this game is brought up I see at least one person mention Kearse’s catch, which is heartwarming. But in the end, we all know the bigger moment happened two plays later when Seattle neglected to give Marshawn Lynch the ball and Malcolm Butler got his famous INT to steal victory from the jaws of defeat and give the Patriots the 28-24 win.

2. HOOK, LADDER, STATUE, PROPOSAL

It’s a good sign for the future of your venue when the first ever Fiesta Bowl played at State Farm Stadium happened to be arguably the greatest CFB game of all time. No. 8 Boise State led No. 10 Oklahoma 28-10 late in the 3rd quarter, but the Sooners rallied to tie it at 28-28 before a pick six made it 35-28 in their favor. But then the Broncos sent it to OT on a hook and ladder play with seconds left. The game would be decided with a two-point conversion attempt in OT, with Ian Johnson scoring on the Statue of Liberty play before scoring a wife with a postgame proposal. 

1. THE HELMET CATCH

So what could top this list of iconic football moments? How about the greatest upset in the history of the sport? What else would you call the wild card Giants taking down the 18-0 Patriots thanks to an all-time play. With New England defenders draped all over him, Eli Manning escapes and launches the ball to David Tyree, who pins it to his helmet to secure the catch. New York would take the lead just a few plays later and hold on for the 17-14 Super Bowl XLII win. Both Super Bowls at State Farm Stadium have been instant classics. Can’t wait for Super Bowl LVII in 2023!

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

“The Raiders can never win a game comfortably.”

“Las Vegas’ defense is fucking terrible.”

“The Broncos will probably win because of AFC West fuckery.”

Well I guess we couldn’t complete the weirdness of 2020 without the Raiders winning a game in dominant fashion thanks in large part to their defense. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time this happened. I’m still in shock.

It certainly didn’t look like we were headed for a blowout at halftime. With the exception of the first drives for each team (Denver doing nothing and Las Vegas marching down the field for a TD), the first 30 minutes were the epitome of frustration for Raiders fans. The defense only prevented a 3rd and long conversion in the red zone, forcing the Broncos to settle for two FGs. The offense and special teams were hampered by penalties, including one that negated a Hunter Renfrow punt return TD. Las Vegas could’ve built a bigger lead early, if Henry Ruggs, Nelson Agholor, and Darren Waller remembered how hands work. It seemed like Denver was all set to take a halftime lead with a Drew Lock TD scamper, only to amazingly be bailed out with an unnecessary holding by Noah Fant. The very next play, the defender being held by Fant, Jeff Heath, came up with his second INT of the game in clutch fashion, giving the Raiders much-needed momentum.

Then the second half happened and everything was magical. Behind the dynamic duo of Josh Jacobs and Devontae Booker, the Raiders offense ran all over the Broncos, with only two 2nd half possessions (one of them being the kneel down to end the game) not resulting in points for Las Vegas. The Denver defense was gassed by the end of the game because they couldn’t get off the field, both due to the Raiders’ running game and their own ineptitude on offense. Before their final two possessions (one of which ended in an INT), the Broncos had run nine plays for two yards and two turnovers. For the first time pretty much all season, Las Vegas was able to get consistent pressure on the QB, making Lock uncomfortable and forcing him into making even more mistakes than usual. Heath in particular had Lock’s number and would’ve had a third INT if not for Nick Kwiatkoski’s insane one-handed snag on the same play.

As much as I (reasonably) want to put this all on just how incredibly terrible/injured the Broncos are, I will give credit where credit’s due. I’ve given the Raiders defense shit all season long. This was by far their best performance of the season. It doesn’t matter if the opponent wasn’t at their A game — you can only beat the team in front of you. Thanks to the Silver and Black defense, we got to kick Denver’s ass, something I’m always up for. 

This is going to make the inevitable Week 17 loss at Mile High even more heartbreaking, isn’t it?

With the Raiders at 6-3 and in the thick of things, next week’s matchup has even more drama behind it. Just when we get some nice momentum, here comes Kansas City. For the third straight year, the Raiders will be the Chiefs’ first opponent after their bye week, because the NFL wants us to suffer. This Las Vegas-Kansas City showdown will be on Sunday Night Football, could either bring us one game closer to a playoff berth/the division lead or fuck us in the postseason chase, and will see the Raiders go up against the QB I will be facing in fantasy (Pat Mahomes). Also, the Las Vegas defense might not be allowed to play. 

No I’m not nervous about this why do you ask of course I’m not nervous you’re the one who’s nervous fuck you why can’t I stop shaking.

Even if we can somehow sweep the season series against the Chiefs, the Raiders would still be far from certain to make the playoffs. This is the same franchise that went 6-0 against AFC West opponents and missed the postseason in 2010 (finishing third in the division no less). This year, the Silver and Black’s fate may be determined by events beyond our ability to fuck up.

THIS IS ABOUT TO BE MADNESS

This is what I’m talking about. The one year (ignoring 2016) the Raiders are good and each conference gets an extra playoff berth, the AFC is historically competitive.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Right now, I believe we can put two teams in the playoffs as division winners. The Pittsburgh Steelers seem to have too big of a lead to blow in the AFC North, while the Kansas City Chiefs will likely hold on in the AFC West (even I’m not that delusional to think Las Vegas is ready to take it yet). That leaves five remaining spots — the AFC East winner, the AFC South winner, and three Wild Cards. At 7-3, the Buffalo Bills have a half-game lead over the Miami Dolphins in the East, while the Indianapolis Colts have a head-to-head tiebreaker over the Tennessee Titans (both are 6-3) in the South. In addition to Las Vegas, Miami, and Tennessee, the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns are also sitting at 6-3 in the Wild Card Race. That’s five teams (not counting the two others currently leading their divisions) battling for three playoff spots. All have the same record. 

Incredibly, the Raiders are currently the No. 5 seed, while the Dolphins are No. 6 and the Ravens are No. 7. But things could certainly change as the season goes on. Las Vegas will have to play both Miami and Indianapolis, which will give us full rooting interest in the other divisional races. If the Raiders can beat the Dolphins, we’ll be rooting for Buffalo to win the East (thanks to their win over Las Vegas). If they can’t, it doesn’t matter. It’s the same logic if the Raiders beat the Colts (prefer the Titans to win the South) or lose to them (the reverse). As far as Miami’s schedule goes, they have an easy next three games (Broncos, Jets, Bengals) but end the season against the Chiefs, Patriots, Raiders, and Bills. Buffalo has to play the Steelers, but should win even the tougher games against the 49ers and Patriots. In theory, Tennessee has the toughest schedule, having to play the Packers, Ravens, Browns, and Colts again. Indianapolis has Green Bay and Pittsburgh, in addition to Las Vegas. Baltimore has a rough two-game stretch next, facing the Titans and Steelers. But apart from Cleveland, the Ravens can cruise against the Cowboys, Jaguars, Bengals, and Giants. The Browns get to play the Jets and Giants, as well as the Eagles and Jaguars. But Cleveland also has to battle Pittsburgh and Baltimore again, as well as face Tennessee. Do you see why I’m freaking out?

The thing is, each of the playoff contenders has looked amazing and terrible at certain points in the season. With so many games against each other left, there’s plenty of uncertainty to look forward to. But as for the Raiders, the path is simple. All the Silver and Black have to do is follow the words of the late Al Davis — just win, baby!

STAT OF THE WEEK

Life as a Chargers fan is pain. By the way, who’s the only team to beat both Los Angeles and the Kansas City Chiefs this season?

THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

Yay — another double feature! November 19, 1978, football fans at the New Jersey Meadowlands witnessed a miraculous finish between the Giants and Eagles. New York was about to secure an upset victory, up 17-12 with less than 30 seconds left. Philadelphia did not have any timeouts and were powerless to stop the Giants from running out the clock. Keep in mind — the rule allowing for QBs to kneel with the ball had not yet been created. So instead, QBs would take the snap, run to the side, and fall down, which is what happened on 1st down of that drive. But coaches didn’t like doing that, so New York called a running play to Larry Csonka that gained 11 yards on 2nd down. But Csonka protested when the call for one last running play came in. Confusion among the Giants (more info here) nearly led to a delay of game, so Jim Clack snapped it before Joe Pisarcik was ready. Pisarcik managed to grab it, but turned for the handoff and hit Csonka on the hip instead. The ball came loose and Herm Edwards, who was rushing in as part of an all-out 11-man blitz, picked it up and ran it in for a 26-yard TD, stunning everyone who saw it. The Miracle at the Meadowlands ended with a 19-17 Eagles win, but the impact went far beyond the final score. In addition to the eventual QB kneeling rule, the ending led to the creation of the “Victory Formation” to account for any fumbles or misplays. Philadelphia used the positive momentum from the win to make the playoffs, and would build upon it to reach the franchise’s first ever Super Bowl two years later. As for New York, the game sparked an insane amount of outrage from fans, who were already pissed off at a lack of success over the past 15 years. As a result, the Mara family, who had run football operations themselves, hired George Young as general manager. Young would go on to draft players such as Phil Simms and Lawrence Taylor. Ray Perkins was also brought in as head coach, though he would leave after the 1982 season. However, he was replaced by the man he hired as defensive coordinator: Bill Parcells. 
From a game only remembered for the ending to one remembered for everything but the finish.

On November 19, 2018, the Rams and Chiefs took part in one of the best, craziest, offensively dominant games in NFL history. The highly-anticipated Monday Night Football matchup between Kansas City and Los Angeles was supposed to take place at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. But due to heavy rains and a heavier event schedule, the field was deemed not sufficient for play, so the game was moved to LA. Not only would this be the Rams’ first Monday Night game in the City of Angels since 1979, it would be the first time these former interstate rivals had faced off since the Rams left Missouri for SoCal three years earlier. However, the area was reeling from both the Thousand Oaks shooting and the Woolsey Fire, so people were looking for a distraction. Both teams obliged, putting on a goddamn show. For three quarters, the Rams and Chiefs went back and forth, putting up TD after TD (even some defensive ones) and racking up a metric shit ton of yards. LA was up 40-30 going into the 4th quarter, where the game somehow became more insane. Both teams combined for 35 points and four of the game’s six lead chances in the final frame. The Chiefs appeared to have won it with a Chris Conley TD with 2:47 left, only for Jared Goff to hit Gerald Everett with a 40-yard bomb in the end zone less than a minute later. Kansas City actually had two drives after that, but both ended in Pat Mahomes INTs, as the Rams held on to win a 54-51 shootout. Actually, the word “shootout” falls short when talking about the insanity of this game. The Chiefs and Rams combined for 1,001 yards, 13 TDs, and 105 points. This remains the highest scoring Monday Night Football game ever, the third-highest scoring game in NFL history, and the first NFL game where both teams scored 50+ points. T

o date, it’s the only regular season game to be profiled in the ongoing NFL Films series “NFL’s Greatest Games.”

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2019 — Google launches its cloud gaming service Stadia.
• 2010 — Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 is released.
• 2006 — The Nintendo Wii is released.
• 2004 — The Malice at the Palace, the worst brawl in NBA history, takes place.
• 1998 — The House Judiciary Committee begins impeachment hearings against President Bill Clinton.
• 1995 — The Baltimore Stallions become the only American team to win the CFL championship, defeating the Calgary Stampeders 37-20 in the Grey Cup.
• 1989 — The U.S. beats Trinidad and Tobago 1-0, qualifying for the World Cup for the first time in 40 years.
• 1985 — Pennzoil wins a $10.53B judgment against Texaco, the largest civil verdict in U.S. history.
• 1975 — One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is released.
• 1969 — Pele scores his 1,000th career goal.
• 1955 — National Review publishes its first issue.
• 1916 — Samuel Goldwyn and Edgar Selwyn establish Goldwyn Pictures, which later becomes Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (the one with the roaring lion).
• 1863 — President Abraham Lincoln delivers the Gettysburg Address at the dedication ceremony for the military cemetery at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
• 1794 — The U.S. and Great Britain sign the controversial Jay’s Treaty, which tried to resolve problems left over from the Revolutionary War.
• 1493 — Christopher Columbus goes ashore on an island called Borinquen, naming it San Juan Bautista (later renamed again Puerto Rico).

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1985 — Alex Mack, Atlanta Falcons C and member of the 2010s All-Decade Team.
• 1983 — Adam Driver, actor best known as Kylo Ren in the Star Wars sequel trilogy.
• 1976 — Jack Dorsey, co-founder/CEO of Twitter.
• 1962 — Jodie Foster, actress best known for a lot of things.
• 1961 — Meg Ryan, actress best known for roles in romantic comedy films like When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle.
• 1958 — Michael Wilbon, ESPN writer/commentator and co-host of Pardon the Interruption.
• 1949 — Ahmad Rashad, NBA reporter/analyst and former NFL player.
• 1942 — Calvin Klein, fashion designer and founder of the company of the same name.
• 1938 — Ted Turner, media mogul and founder of CNN and TBS/TNT.
• 1936 — Dick Cavett, iconic talk show host.
• 1933 — Larry King, iconic TV and radio host.
• 1831 — James Garfield, 20th President.

DEATHS:

• 2017 — Charles Manson, criminal and cult leader.
• 2005 — Steve Belichick, former NFL coach who had a son named Bill.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Carbonated Beverage With Caffeine Day! This is one day I won’t be participating in. Of course, the most popular carbonated, caffeinated beverage is soda. I have not voluntarily consumed soda in what will be 15 years in January. Lord knows just how overweight my lazy, fat ass would be if I didn’t decide to cut out soda from my diet when I was 13.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

FLORIDA MAN CAUGHT WITH STOLEN UTILITY POLE STRAPPED TO CAR

TAMPA, Fla. –A driver looking to make some quick cash caused quite the spectacle on Interstate 4 through Hillsborough County Monday.

Florida Highway Patrol said a driver picked up a downed metal utility pole, strapped it to the roof of his 1997 Toyota Camry, and planned to sell it to a scrapyard. He didn’t get too far.  

Just after 10 a.m., FHP got a call from someone who witnessed another driver loading the pole onto his roof on the outside shoulder of I-4 west at mile marker 9, just east of I-75. The witness followed at a safe distance until a Trooper made a traffic stop at 50th Street North and Adamo Drive in east Tampa.

The driver, 71-year-old Douglas Hatley of Lakeland, said he was trying to turn in the pole as scrap metal for cash and that he didn’t know it was illegal to remove the pole, even if it was broken or had fallen.

READ MORE

Who steals a goddamn power pole, honestly? Florida Man, apparently.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (10-0) VS. EKEING OUT THE WIN (7-3)

Three weeks ago, this would’ve been like seeing the 1985 Bears against the 2007 Patriots. Now, not so much. Don’t get me wrong — this matchup between 49ers and EKEing Out The Win could very well be an Epic Bowl preview. But Kyle’s three-game losing streak has put a damper on things. That, and Gee has some unfortunate roster decisions to make with Josh Allen and Allen Robinson on byes. Into the lineup goes Jameis Winston, who Gee rode to the Epic Bowl last season. He also still has the likes of Tyreek Hill, Adam Thielen, and Derrick Henry, so hope is far from lost. However, of all the teams in the league, Kyle certainly has the firepower to take down the top team in the league. Deshaun Watson and Will Fuller look likely to rebound from a poor week. James Robinson may get shut down by the Steelers defense, but D.J. Moore, Keenan Allen, and the Vikings defense look primed to take advantage of favorable matchups. This was last year’s Epic Bowl that wasn’t (you’re welcome). What will happen this weekend?

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-5) VS. DARTH RAIDER (4-6)

For the first time in a long time, Darth Raider is sitting in a playoff spot. From the looks of Arik’s lineup, he’ll fight tooth and nail to stay there. While Teddy Bridgewater may be out this week and Adrian Peterson may be on his way out, Cam Newton and Clyde Edwards-Helaire are quite serviceable replacements. Throw them in a lineup with guys like Nick Chubb, D.K. Metcalf, Cooper Kupp, Rob Gronkowski, and Jerry Jeudy, and you have a roster that can put up plenty of points. Unfortunately for Arik, Dixie Normous can do so as well. Nick has been sitting pretty in 4th place for a while now, but his position is being threatened. One more loss and he’ll be in the middle of the pack, or worse. Nick does have the likes of Tom Brady, but he’s facing the same defense that just shut down Russell Wilson (grumble grumble). A steady running game of James Conner and Todd Gurley, along with standout efforts from Juju Smith-Schuster and DeVante Parker may have to carry Nick this week and slow down the oncoming Arik storm.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-5) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (5-5)

With the craziness about to happen across the middle of the pack, one more win for Gruden Grinders and C’s New Champ Team could be enough to clinch a playoff spot. While the Yahoo! prediction heavily favors Jimmy, things could go against him. Jimmy’s anchor has been the power running game of Josh Jacobs and Aaron Jones. However, both they and team newcomer Ronald Jones are up against stout defenses this week. Not able to rely on Carson Wentz any more, it seems Jimmy is going to Ben Roethlisberger to get the job done, while hoping Tyler Lockett and T.J. Watt have good days (he also needs to add a defense). Granted, it may not matter if Chriss’ Drew Brees replacement can’t get it done. Who’s Chirss going with? Joe Flacco? Seriously? In 2020? You know Ryan Tannehill, Jared Goff, and Kirk Cousins (he’s playing the Cowboys) are available, right? With Chris Carson potentially out for another week, Chriss may have to rely on his skill positions if he wants any chance of victory.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (4-6) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (5-5)

According to Yahoo!, I’ve been playing fantasy football since 2007. During that time, I’ve faced Dad at least once in every season we’ve played together. I have defeated him at least once every single year — he can’t say the same. Unfortunately, with it unlikely that both of us will make the playoffs, this looks to be our only matchup of 2020. The 13-year streak has never been in greater danger of being snapped. Who knows how Russell Wilson will look this week, especially on short rest? Will the addition of Nyheim Hines finally complete the Orchids of Asia backfield? Can Eric Ebron and Chase Claypool give me consistent production? Of course, none of this will likely matter, given that… he is on Dad’s roster. Pat Mahomes, the nightmare of all Raiders fans, is not only playing Las Vegas this week, but he’s Sleeping Giants’ QB. There is no better formula for my defeat than mixing fantasy pain with real life pain. At least Christian McCaffrey is out again. I don’t think I could’ve taken the pain of my MVP of last season knocking me out of contention.

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-7) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-6)

Even though there’s still plenty of chaos to play out above them, we’re getting dangerously close to Three Eyed Ravens’ last stand. Lamar Jackson got him to the playoffs last year, but I don’t think he has enough to make it happen for Ewing by himself this season. It’s not like Ewing has a QB that’s been statistically better than Jackson who’s been stubbornly kept on the bench (though perhaps he’ll be cursed by his new haircut). But if Ewing is indeed going to sneak into the playoffs again, the Michael Thomas trade will have to pay off and the likes of Julio Jones, J.D. McKissic, Jonathan Taylor, and the Rams defense come to play this weekend. Unfortunately, a stacked Footballdamus lineup stands in Ewing’s way. Aaron Rodgers may be facing tough opposition, but Riez also has the likes of DeAndre Hopkins, Dalvin Cook, Gus Edwards, Darren Waller, and the Steelers defense on his side. It’s been notoriously difficult to predict how Riez will fare week to week. But if there’s any time for consistency, it’s definitely the push for the playoffs.

JOP SUEY!!! (7-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-9)

I didn’t watch a lot of college basketball this past season, so I had little idea who most of the top players were. So when I saw “point guard” listed by the 12th selection in the NBA Draft, I was extremely confused. The Kings have a point guard, a very good one named De’Aaron Fox. What the hell was Sacramento doing? But then I actually did research and discovered that the Kings — get this — made a fantastic draft choice. Tyrese Haliburton can play both point and shooting guard, giving Fox an ideal partner and backup. Plus, he was the best player still on the board, projected by some to go in the Top 5. Sure, I’m not looking forward to tall teams being able to dunk all over us again. But when a guy that good is available that far down, you have to take him. I can’t remember the last time I saw the Kings unanimously get an “A” draft grade or be sorted as a draft “winner.” It’s weird. At the very least it distracts us from whatever is going on with Bogdan Bodganovic or what’s eventually going to happen with Buddy Hield.

ONE LAST THING

The internet is a powerful thing. It can often lead to good things, but for many the thing they want to see most is chaos. Mostly chaotic good, but chaos nonetheless. Such is the case with Ravens DE Yannick Ngakoue. Ngakoue started 2020 as a member of the Jaguars. But in August, Jacksonville traded him to Minnesota, who shipped him off to Baltimore last month. The terms of the Vikings-Ravens deal don’t impact the agreement between the Jaguars and Vikings, which was Ngakoue for a 2nd round draft pick and a conditional 5th round pick. 

Voting for the Pro Bowl, which will take place virtually on Madden 21 (they somehow made the Pro Bowl worse), recently got underway. Although he’s had a mediocre season by his standards, Ngakoue is garnering a cult brigade of voters. Most of these voters are Jaguars fans, which you might find odd given that Ngakoue is no longer on the team. You’d be right — there are ulterior motives at play in Jacksonville. 

As part of the deal with Minnesota, that 5th round pick becomes a 4th round pick should Ngakoue make the Pro Bowl (that pick would then become a 3rd rounder if the Ravens win the Super Bowl, which won’t happen given Lamar Jackson would need to win a playoff game). Now, you might not think there’s a lot of difference between a 4th round pick and a 5th round pick. But when you’re trying to rebuild your franchise like Jacksonville is, you need all the help you can get. So a bunch of Jaguars fans on Reddit are stirring up support for a bunch of Ngakoue votes. The funniest part? They’re recruiting Packers, Bears, and Lions fans because they want to spike the Vikings. That’s divisional pettiness on a whole new level.

I’m not sure how long the fan vote has been able to influence Pro Bowl selections, but I’m a little surprised something like this hasn’t happened before. We’ve seen fans of certain teams stuff the All-Star ballot boxes before (remember the mid-2010s Kansas City Royals?). But this is the first I’ve seen where there’s been a draft pick at stake. This is petty and unnecessary and I am 100% on board with it.

See, GOP? The real election cheating was happening in Florida the whole time!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness