Ruben's Writings

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Although 2020 has certainly sucked, we’re all still kicking. Let’s be thankful for what we have, mostly the ability to watch football. Stay safe while eating, drinking, and being a lazy ass today, boys!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

EKEING OUT THE WIN (8-3) DEF. 49ERS (10-1)

117.86 – 109.50

Things EKEing Out The Win is thankful for:

• Deshaun Watson finally returned to God mode
• Keenan Allen has Justin Herbert for a QB
• Not playing Kenyan Drake or Chase Edmonds came back to bite them in the ass
• The Rams actually showed up and sunk the Buccaneers defense
• Kyle has likely avoided a rematch with Gee until the Epic Bowl

Things 49ers are thankful for:

• Derek Carr was a good choice for replacement QB
• The Buccaneers defense falling apart means Tom Brady lost
• Adam Thielen and Derrick Henry are helping Gee keep the Free Beer race competitive
• The one loss didn’t come in the playoffs
• The No. 1 seed is still pretty much theirs, barring an epic collapse

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (6-5) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-6)

127.50 – 98.08

Things C’s New Champ Team is thankful for:

• The loss of Drew Brees still hasn’t been felt
• This was the most consistent performance across the whole roster all season
• Ezekiel Elliott finally had a good game
• Justin Jefferson is one more torn ACL away from winning OROY
• Chriss has some separation from the pack in the playoff race

Things Gruden Grinders are thankful for:

• They still have the best RB corps in Josh Jacobs and Aaron Jones
• The Saints defense was a smart pickup
• T.J. Watt can’t play worse than that
• Henry Ruggs runs really, really fast
• Jimmy gets to finish the season against the inconsistent Dominguez boys

DARTH RAIDER (5-6) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (5-6)

115.80 – 69.94

Things Darth Raider is thankful for:

• Scoring remains consistent and plentiful
• Clyde Edwards-Helaire made a fantastic return to the lineup
• Cam Newton did well in a loss
• With Gee’s loss, they’re not the hottest team in the league
• Arik will likely clinch a playoff spot with one more win

Things Dixie Normous is thankful for:

• They (likely) cannot play worse than that
• Taysom Hill was a good pickup… that was left on the bench
• Nick built up enough collateral to still be in the hunt despite a three-game losing streak
• Their fate is in their hands
• At least the Dodgers won the World Series

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (5-6) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (5-6)

99.38 – 77.52

Things Orchids of Asia are thankful for:

• Russell Wilson’s second-worse performance was much better than his worst
• The Browns defense was the pickup of the week
• A.J. Brown is a goddamn beast
• I’m somehow still alive for the playoffs
• The streak live  

Things Sleeping Giants are thankful for:

• Pat Mahomes can put up points for days
• Amazingly this loss could’ve been worse
• Christian McCaffrey should return… which only matters if Dad makes the playoffs
• Their fate remains in their hands
• Another loss to me means fantasy football skill is still in the Dominguez blood lone

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-6) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-8)

114.64- 83.64

Things Footballdamus is thankful for:

• They’ve seemingly gotten their shit together
• Aaron Rodgers and Dalvin Cook are on the team
• The Steelers defense faces turnover-happy teams coming up
• They put up a lot of points despite some horrible individual efforts
• Riez will likely make the playoffs

Things Three Eyed Ravens are thankful for:

• The real live Ravens lost in solidarity
• Alcohol exist
• Still won the Michael Thomas trade
• Somehow technically alive for the playoffs
• Ewing is doing amazingly well in literally every other facet of life

JOP SUEY!!! (8-3) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-10)

123.06 – 68.14

Things Jop Suey!!! is thankful for:

• Successfully redeemed their cupon for a free win
• Kyler Murray and Davante Adams are cheat codes
• The battle for 2nd place should be amazing this weekend
• Taylor has also likely avoided a date with Gee before the Epic Bowl
• They’re in the driver’s seat in the Free Beer standings

Things The Krispy Kritters are thankful for:

• The season is almost over
• Somehow they actually won a game this year
• Imagine if this team was healthy
• Alcohol and weed exist
• Richard can simply enjoy football without worrying about his fantasy team

STANDINGS

GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (10-1)*
2. Jop Suey!!! (8-3)*
3. EKEing Out The Win (8-3)*
4. C’s New Champ Team (6-5)
5. Darth Raider (5-6)
6. Footballdamus (5-6)
7. Dixie Normous (5-6)
8. Orchids of Asia (5-6)
9. Gruden Grinders (5-6)
10. Sleeping Giants (5-6)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (3-7)
12. The Krispy Kritters (1-9)e

* = clinched playoffs

e = eliminated

FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Jop Suey!!! (1302.02)
2. 49ers (1261.64)
3. Darth Raider (1198.72)
4. EKEing Out The Win (1182.48)
5. Footballdamus (1165.68)
6. Dixie Normous (1099.10)
7. C’s New Champ Team (1097.16)
8. Orchids of Asia (1093.36)
9. Gruden Grinders (1077.54)
10. Sleeping Giants (1048.76)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1019.30)
12. The Krispy Kritters (807.18)

WILL THE “0” GO?

While our two nominees for a perfect/imperfect season recently won (Richard) and lost (Gee) for the first time, we still have hope for history in the NFL. With both the Steelers and Jets having played ten games and gotten the same result each time, it’s time we take a look at the chances of either team finishing with a “0” in their record at the end of the season.

Let’s start with Pittsburgh, who was originally going to be part of the only good game on the NFL’s Thanksgiving calendar. But then a shit ton of Ravens got COVID-19 and forced the game to be postponed to Sunday. The Steelers, who’ve already had their schedule adjusted due to other teams catching the virus, are understandably pissed. However, this is pretty much the only thing that’s gone wrong for Pittsburgh all season. Though they’ve certainly not been perfect in their performance each week, the Steelers have managed to come away with wins each time. Turns out, their schedule ended up being incredibly fortunate. Pittsburgh has only played three teams with a winning record — the Cleveland Browns (who have only beaten one such team this season), Baltimore Ravens (who are on a decline and currently ravaged by the coronavirus), and Tennessee Titans (who came within another Stephen Gostkowski blown FG of forcing OT). Those other seven wins include the injured and terrible Denver Broncos, the massively regressed Houston Texans, the woeful Cincinnati Bengals and Jacksonville Jaguars, and three members of the NFC East (and they needed an incredible comeback to beat the Dallas Cowboys).

So can the Steelers take advantage of a fortunate schedule for their final six games? Two should be at minimum blowout wins — a potential NFC West sweep against the Washington Football Team and a rematch with Cincinnati. I also think they’ll finish the AFC North sweep against the declining Ravens (sorry Ewing) and the unproven Browns. But Pittsburgh’s two other games have the biggest question marks. I believe the Steelers’ unbeaten start will come to an end in Week 14, at the hands of the Buffalo Bills. Josh Allen and Co. will still be in the midst of a competitive division and playoff race in general, having plenty to play for when Pittsburgh comes to town. Buffalo definitely has the offense to keep up with Pittsburgh and the defense to take advantage of their mistakes. If the loss doesn’t come in Week 14, then for sure it will in Week 16, when the Indianapolis Colts come to Pittsburgh. That Colts defense is something fierce and has the experience of beating proven teams to get the job done.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have the New York Jets. “Woeful” can’t hold a candle to how the season’s gone so far. The Jets have dealt with injuries, seeing their best player be traded, and having Adam Gase as their head coach. This is a team who’s lost to the Broncos and the Los Angeles Chargers, a team that got blown the fuck out by a San Francisco 49ers team that suffered injuries to their starting QB, RB, and two members of their defensive line, and was already without their starting TE and key WRs. But this doesn’t mean New York hasn’t had its chances to get in the win column. The Jets somehow kept the Bills in check for most of the game, only for their offense to fail to take advantage. They were up by double digits in the 4th quarter against the New England Patriots, only to lose on a last second FG. Last week against the Chargers was also close, but New York still managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

So how do the final six games of the Jets’ schedule look? Up next is the Miami Dolphins, who despite just losing to the Broncos should be good enough to get the win. They’ve also got the likes of the Los Angeles Rams and Cleveland Browns, who will be fighting for playoff positioning at the time. I think New York’s best chances at victory will be Week 17 in a rematch with the Patriots and Week 14, surprisingly, against the Seattle Seahawks. New York’s defense isn’t completely terrible, while Seattle’s offensive line is complete trash. Plus, it seems written in blood that every Seahawks game must be competitive. It would also take place during Week 14, our first round of the playoffs, when (if I make it) I would need Russell Wilson to come in clutch. Wilson and Seattle shitting the bed in my hour of need totally seems like something that would happen to me. Of course, there’s also the terrifying prospect of the Jets defeating my real life favorite team. Let’s not forget that the 6-4 Raiders came into New York on a three-game winning streak last season and promptly got curb stomped by the 4-7 Jets 34-3 in the worst performance I’ve seen in years. I am fucking terrified of history repeating iteself in Week 13. I guess this piece can be summed up as a plea for Las Vegas to not fuck it up again, especially after they came within seconds of sweeping arguably the best team in the NFL.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Yeah, the Derek Carr face that became a meme is how I felt after Sunday Night.

The Raiders had them — we fucking had the Kansas City Chiefs by the balls. Las Vegas was less than a minute away from pulling off the shocking season sweep against the defending champs. All that was needed as a defensive stop. Given that it was our defense against the best offense in football, it’s no surprise what happened. Pat Mahomes drove the ball right down the field and hit Travis Kelce, who was wide open because Johnathan Abram decided to leave him alone to protect against a QB running the ball down the middle of the field with no timeouts left. Carr then had perhaps the worst throw during a desperation drive I’ve ever seen, cementing the loss. At least we know Andy Reid’s guys would never do something so brash and selfish as driving the team bus around the stadium after the game.

Despite the stats not being in their favor, the Raiders should’ve won this game. Derek Carr continued his streak of proving me wrong, tossing three TDs and helping the Las Vegas offense go toe-to-toe with Kansas City despite the fact that Josh Jacobs, who did find the end zone, only finished with 55 rushing yards. Sure, there were one or two drives that should’ve ended with more points than what they got, but it’s hard to fault an offense that turned the ball over only once and scored 30+ points. Once again, we’re forced to look for moral victories because the Raiders defense is hot trash and Paul Guenther is still employed. I knew that recent defensive streak was a mirage, hidden underneath terrible weather conditions and shitty opponents. I mean hell Wade Phillips is twiddling his thumbs at home. Even his old ass could turn Las Vegas’ defense into something at least respectable. Instead, we’re forced to once again look for moral victories in a season where actual victories are needed in the AFC playoff race.

Despite the loss, the Raiders are still in a playoff position and have a favorable schedule. While there are at least two games I’m worried about, the focus is on what’s directly ahead. Before the aforementioned trap game against the winless New York Jets, the Raiders next head to Atlanta. I don’t need to tell you about the misery that has been the Falcons’ season this year, completed by their recent loss to the rival New Orleans Saints and their backup QB. That being said, even a somewhat healthy Falcons offense is a scary opponent for the Raiders defense. However, the Las Vegas offense should do enough to secure the win, even if it is an early game on the East Coast. Plus, even if the Raiders find themselves behind late, it’s not like the Falcons have a history of improbably blowing leads this season.

Speaking of those Saints…

KEEP ON MARCHING

It would be the most Raiders thing ever for Las Vegas to miss the playoffs despite defeating the best teams in each conference (the Kansas City Chiefs and New Orleans Saints). Surprised at the Saints praise? Don’t be.

Think back to Week 3, when New Orleans had just lost a close contest to the Green Bay Packers. Drew Brees was washed. The defense had taken a huge step back. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were about to seize the NFC South. What’s happened since then? Oh, just the Saints winning their next seven games and going to the No. 1 seed in the NFC. Granted, only two of those wins have come against teams with winning records and a lot of those victories were in close, high-scoring affairs. But the Saints have recently started turning those close calls into blowouts and appear to be turning a corner. Let’s not forget the epic, 38-3 demolition of those Buccaneers in what became the worst loss of Tom Brady’s career. That is the Saints at full power. That is terrifying for any opponent.

But what seems to be the most impressive part of New Orleans’ streak is how the defense has improved. While the “38” part of 38-3 could be expected from a high-powered offense (now featuring a finally healthy Michael Thomas), it was the defense who forced Tampa Bay to settle for a lowly FG to avoid a shutout. It’s also been the crucial factor in the team’s most recent victories. Brees was knocked out of the game against the 49ers after suffering a collapsed lung and breaking literally almost half of his ribs. I didn’t know Brees had volunteered to be Saints’ human voodoo doll this season. Jameis Winston did enough to hold the lead and the defense kept San Francisco’s own depleted offense in check to secure the win. Last week, it took Taysom Hill some time to get comfortable in his first career start. But that defense was there again, holding the potentially potent Falcons offense in check and allowing Hill to get hot and put the game away against Atlanta. 

During this seven-game winning streak, the Saints have proven they can win in every kind of way — shootouts, blowouts, and defensive struggles. That’s a huge boost of confidence with only one game against a team above .500 on the schedule. Sure, that game happens to be against the Chiefs (hopefully Brees is back for that one). But I’m gonna call it now — pencil in New Orleans as the NFL’s No. 1 seed with a 13-3 record. Let’s hope I didn’t put my own voodoo curse on the team, or they won’t suffer yet another painful playoff loss.

STAT OF THE WEEK

This was a cool moment. Representation matters.

Interestingly, the game they worked — Rams-Buccaneers — featured three of my favorite stats of the season. The first has to do with Sean McVay’s insane anti-lead blowing ability. The second involves Tom Brady doing his best Jameis Winston impression. The third features an incredible connection between Brady and one of his interceptors — other than the fact that they played for rival schools. What else can you expect from a game involving two teams whose ceiling is the Kansas City Chiefs and whose floor is the New York Jets?

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 26, 1990, the Buffalo Bills fell to the Houston Oilers 27-24, as Warren Moon outdueled Jim Kelly on Monday Night Football. Apart from the fact that the Oilers snapped the Bills’ eight-game winning streak, the game itself was unremarkable. However, it’s what that game completed that was historic… maybe. Going into Week 12 of the 1990 season, the Bills were leading the AFC East. The other division leaders at the time were the Los Angeles Raiders, Cincinnati Bengals, New York Giants, Chicago Bears, and San Francisco 49ers (this is back when there were only six divisions and the “Central” existed). All five were in action the day before the Bills-Oilers game. Derrick Thomas wreaked havoc on the Raiders, as the Kansas City Chiefs narrowly topped Los Angeles 27-24. The Bengals couldn’t stop Jeff George and Eric Dickerson, losing to the Indianapolis Colts 34-20. The Giants and Bears got unexpectedly smacked by rivals, with the Philadelphia Eagles defeating New York 31-13 and the Minnesota Vikings walloping Chicago 41-13. Finally, the 10-0 49ers suffered their first loss of the season, as the Los Angeles Rams got revenge for the previous season’s NFC Championship Game and won 28-17. Throw in the Bills loss the following day, and you have all six NFL division winners losing in the same week. Now despite my research and various attempts at verifying this claim, I cannot say whether this was the first, last, or even only time this has happened in NFL history. This was the first time I had personally ever come across something like this happening, even during the first few weeks of the season when 1-0 or 2-0 teams could’ve lost or something. However, I still thought this was a unique enough occurence to talk about. Plus, this happened in Week 12 — when the division leaders are actually good teams and didn’t just get lucky early in the season. Plus, not only were the Bills, Raiders, Bengals, Giants, Bears, and 49ers alone atop their divisions at the time, but they all would rebound to win those divisions in the end, with Buffalo, Los Angeles, New York, and San Francisco reaching their conference championship games. So all of those teams losing in the same week is remarkable all the same. 

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2011 — The Curiosity rover is launched to Mars.
• 2000 — George W. Bush is certified the winner of Florida’s electoral votes, going on to win the U.S. presidential election, despite losing in the national popular vote.
• 1983 — 6,800 gold bars worth nearly $34.5M are stolen from the Brink’s-Mat vault at Heathrow Airport.
• 1977 — The first major TV broadcast interruption takes place, with an unidentified hijacker named Vrillon, claiming to be the representative of the “Ashtar Galactic Command”, taking over Britain’s Southern Television for six minutes.
• 1975 — Boston Red Sox center fielder Fred Lynn becomes the first rookie ever to be named American League MVP.
• 1970 — In Basse-Terre, Guadeloupe, 1.5 inches of rain fall in a minute, the heaviest rainfall ever recorded.
• 1965 — France launches Asterix, becoming the third nation to put an object in orbit using its own booster.
• 1942 — Casablanca, the iconic movie starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, premieres in New York City.
• 1922 — The Toll of the Sea debuts as the first general release film to use two-tone Technicolor..
• 1922 — Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon become the first people to enter the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun (King Tut) in over 3000 years.
• 1917 — The National Hockey League is formed — the Montreal Canadiens, Montreal Wanderers, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, and Toronto Arenas are the teams.
• 1863 — President Abraham Lincoln proclaims November 26 as a national Thanksgiving Day, to be celebrated annually on the final Thursday of November.
• 1842 — The University of Notre Dame is founded.
• 1825 — A group of college students at Union College in Schenectady, NY form the Kappa Alpha Society, the first college social fraternity.
• 1789 — A national Thanksgiving Day is observed in the U.S. for the first time, as proclaimed by President George Washington at the request of Congress.
• 1778 — Captain James Cook becomes the first European to visit Maui.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1975 — Khaled Mohamed Khaled, AKA DJ Khaled, rapper/producer who yells his name and “another one” a lot.
• 1972 — Chris Osgood, former great NHL goaltender.
• 1969 — Shawn Kemp, former NBA power forward and thunderous dunker.
• 1956 — Dale Jarrett, HOF NASCAR driver and commentator.
• 1946 — Art Shell, former Raiders OT and head coach and one of the greatest offensive lineman in NFL history.
• 1922 — Charles Schulz, cartoonist and creator of the comic strip Peanuts.
• 1895 — William Wilson, AKA Bill W., co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

DEATHS:

• 2018 — Stephern Hillenburg, creator of SpongeBob SquarePants.
• 1883 — Sojourner Truth, abolitionist and women’s rights activist.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Cake Day! The other day, Dad was randomly craving a cake with white/yellow cake and chocolate frosting. Well if there’s ever an excuse to satisfy that craving, here you go. Also, there’s a Reddit joke to be made about “cake day.

“THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MAN RESCUES PUPPY FROM ALLIGATOR

LEE COUNTY, Fla. –A Florida man is drawing praise for valiantly saving his puppy from the jaws of an alligator.

Richard Wilbanks, 74, was just enjoying the sun when he heard his new puppy, Gunner, crying. An alligator in the backyard pond at his Lee County home had grabbed the dog and pulled it into the water.

Wilbanks, an avid hunter, reacted quickly, jumping into the pond, grabbing the small alligator and pulling its jaw open, so Gunner, a three-month-old Cavalier King Charles spaniel, could escape, surveillance video of the rescue shows.

“It was just a shock, it happened so fast,” Wilbanks told NBC Fort Myers affiliate WBBH. “Instinct just took over and adrenaline kicked in and I just went right into the water after the gator and Gunner.”

READ MORE

Behold: the perfect news story. It involves a puppy, incredible life-or-death footage, an animal fight, an old person being a badass, and a nice ending. You bet this got some goddamn mileage in the news this week. The best part: the man never drops his cigar the entire time.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NFL HEAD COACHES WHO WOULD WIN A FIGHT

There is no beef quite as tasty as that between NFL head coaches. Such beef was stirring before the Ravens-Titans game, when a bunch of Tennessee players were doing some sort of pregame ritual on Baltimore’s logo. John Harbaugh took exception and got into a heated argument with the players and eventually Mike Vrabel, with the two coaches having a bit of a dispute. After the game, it appeared that Harbaugh waved off Vrabel’s attempt at a handshake, although that claim was disputed by both coaches. But this was still the biggest on-field coach beef since Harbaugh’s brother shook Jim Schwartz’s hand a little too hard. It also could add fuel to an emerging and hopefully long rivalry between the Titans and Ravens.

But what this beef also did was reignite a debate that changes every year and is always on the minds of football fans: which head coach would win in a fight? Imagine all 32 head coaches are locked in an area, Hunger Games style, until just one is left standing? Whose coach could kick all the other coach’s asses. I’ve thought of this before and now am finally putting my thoughts into writing. Mano a mano, which coach would win in a fight? Because I have to have some sort of rules, I’m limiting my options to full-time head coaches. That means no assistant coaches, like San Francisco 49ers defensive coordinator Robert Saleh, as well as no interim head coaches, like the person below.

HONORABLE MENTION: RAHEEM MORRIS

If interim coaches were allowed, Raheem Morris would absolutely make the list. At 44, he’s one of the league’s youngest head coaches (four years younger than Mike Tomlin). He’s also a former collegiate DB who looks like he’s still in great shape. Maybe if the Atlanta Falcons do well enough to close out the year, Morris will be offered the full time job and easily make this list next year.

HONORABLE MENTION: MIKE ZIMMER

While he may be 65 (the fifth-oldest current NFL head coach) and average height/weight, Mike Zimmer has something that simply can’t be taught: fucking insane rage. Seriously, have you ever seen Zimmer angry? This is the same guy who openly (rightfully) called Bobby Petrino a “gutless motherfucker.” At his feistiest, Zimmer may be leveled up enough to crack the Top 10. 

HONORABLE MENTION: ADAM GASE

Hear me out — while Adam Gase has none of the physical tools to take on the toughest of his peers, he does have the highest x-factor. By that, I mean he’s fucking crazy. Remember how he began his introductory press conference with the New York Jets? There’s some pure drugged out/psychotic rage hiding underneath that face, though the drug part isn’t hidden that well. 

10. MATT NAGY

Given the Chicago Bears’ terrible offense, this will likely be Matt Nagy’s final appearance on this list. But that doesn’t mean he deserves to be here. The bald head and gray facial hair hide his relative youth — he’s just 42 years old. A former player (a QB, but still), Nagy remains in decent physical shape and has the overall toughness playing football gives you. Plus, all of the rage that’s been pent up due to the various offensive ineptitudes is just waiting to explode into a force of fury. Nagy’s that quiet guy you underestimate at the bar, only to get knocked out by him.

9. MATT PATRICIA

This one I feel can go either way. On paper, Matt Patricia has all of the physical tools necessary to take on any of his peers. He’s a big dude (former collegiate offensive lineman) who’s on the right side of 50. However, I’m not entirely sold that Patricia can properly use his physical gifts. Patricia seems like he could be the kind of neckbeard who talks shit but folds like a lawn chair when dealing with an actual confrontation. That’s the kind of guy who criticizes reporters’ posture during press conferences. Still, his size and youth make him a tough out. I’ll give it to him.

8. JOE JUDGE

On top of being young (just 38 years old), a former collegiate player (special teams), and in decent shape, Joe Judge simply does not give a fuck. During a game against Alabama, Judge came to the defense of a teammate by flipping an Alabama defensive lineman over his own bench. Judge’s disregard for lineman apparently carried into the NFL, when he fired assistant coach Marc Colombo, who’s 6’8″ and 330+ pounds. The two reportedly fought, with Judge not surprisingly coming out the loser. But someone who would square up with a giant is legit.

7. SEAN MCVAY

For as much as Sean McVay’s age has become a meme, it’s by far his biggest asset when squaring off with his peers. McVay is — by a large margin — the youngest head coach and full of youthful energy, which would prove to be quite useful when trying to outlast guys nearly twice his age. He’s also no physical slouch himself — he’s a former collegiate WR who gets so amped up during games that the Los Angeles Rams employ a coach just to hold him back on the sidelines. What McVay lacks in size and strength he more than makes up for on quickness and stamina. 

6. RON RIVERA

Any other year, Ron Rivera would be an easy lock for Top 5, if not higher. A former All-American LB, Rivera clinches a spot on the list simply because he’s a member of the 1985 Chicago Bears. He’s also a big dude who is tough as hell. Sadly, the biggest proof of his toughness is also the reason Rivera ranks this low. Thankfully, Rivera was able to beat cancer. However, it’s unclear just how much the treatment impacted his physical ability — he had to get IVs while coaching during his treatment. Plus, Rivera is getting up there in age — he’s nearing 60 years old.  

5. ANTHONY LYNN

Even though the former NFL RB last played more than 20 years ago, if Anthony Lynn shaved and got rid of the gray beard he would look like he could still suit up today. Seriously, Lynn was 48 when this picture was taken three years ago. He might be one of the best physical specimens currently roaming the sidelines, though he just went on the rough side of 50. However, one thing that worries me is Lynn seems like a gentleman who’s rational and only gets angry at real life social issues. While it makes him a great person, I’m not sure how it’ll serve him in a fight.

4. MIKE TOMLIN

Although he doesn’t stand out in any particular category, Mike Tomlin still checks off all of the boxes. Tomlin is still relatively young (48 years old) and a former collegiate player. He seems to be in good shape and looks like Omar Epps. But while there’s no definitive proof of his physical prowess, if we look below the surface we can make a good guess. Tomlin has had to deal with guys like Ben Roethlisberger, Antonio Brown, Le’Veon Bell, James Harrison, and more, all while never losing the locker room and finishing with a losing record. He’s got an edge for sure.

3. SEAN MCDERMOTT

But it’s Mike Tomlin’s college teammate, Sean McDermott, who lands one spot above him in what might seem like a surprising choice. Don’t worry, I have my evidence. McDermott was a safety, a position only filled by guys who want to hit WRs. While in college, he received accolades from the National Strength and Conditioning Association. Before that, he was a two-time national prep champion wrestler. At 46, McDermott is a young head coach and has already shown to have a fiesty temper. McDermott has the physical tools, skills, and accolades needed to kick ass. 

2. BRIAN FLORES

A relatively new yet likely long-lasting member of the list, Brian Flores would probably qualify just because he looks like Terry Crews. While he was also a LB, Flores (unlike Crews) never made the NFL due to injuries. But Flores still looks like he could suit up at any point. He still has the size and shape of your typical LB and hasn’t even crossed the four-decade mark in terms of age. With the way he’s turned the Miami Dolphins around, Flores may be a part of lists like this for years to come. All I know is I wouldn’t want him yelling at me after I fucked up a call.

1. MIKE VRABEL

I mean come on who else would it be? A three-time Super Bowl champion LB who is still a mountain of a man, Mike Vrabel is clearly the most intimidating head coach in the NFL. The dude also has a crazy side, what with the whole almost fighting John Harbaugh/offering to cut off his dick/having the most bizarre at-home war room. But perhaps the most terrifying fact about Vrabel is that he’s the only coach on this list to have won a playoff game against Bill Belichick. That means Vrabel will likely have a job for a while, locking down the top spot for the near future.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

JOP SUEY!!! (8-3) VS. EKEING OUT THE WIN (8-3)

It’s not often that two teams play each other three times in a season. But with Jop Suey!!! and EKEing Out the Win facing off for the second time this weekend and both teams likely locked into a potential semi-final showdown, it could happen this year. Barring a huge upset next week, this week’s showdown will likely determine whether Taylor or Kyle will be the No. 2 seed going into the playoffs. Taylor has been the highest scorer so far this season and it’s looking like there will be another point barrage this week. Kyler Murray, Davante Adams (led by a pissed off Aaron Rodgers), Robert Woods, Alvin Kamara, and Antonio Gibson look set for big weeks, while Mike Davis and the Colts defense could be x-factors once again. As for Kyle, Deshaun Watson and Will Fuller are heating up at the right time and facing a weak Lions defense. But as of this writing Kyle still has Duke Johnson in the starting lineup instead of either Kenyan Drake or Chase Edmonds. That mistake nearly cost him last week, and it could do so this time.

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-6) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-6)

If you haven’t paid attention to the standings, you might’ve missed that there are SIX teams with 5-6 records. All six are playing one of their counterparts this weekend in matchups that will be huge in determining the final playoff spots. Dixie Normous was sitting pretty above the pack just a few weeks ago. But a three-game losing streak has thrown Nick right into the thick of things. It’s gotten so desperate that (as of this writing) Nick is going with Taysom Hill at QB and riding the Eagles defense against the Seahawks (please don’t make this line bite me in the ass). Nick is also hoping for another big day from Juju-Smith Schuster and a return to form for guys like D.J. Chark, Todd Gurley, Giovani Bernard, and Mike Gesicki. Meanwhile, Footballdamus has seemingly turned the corner and looks to cement its status as a playoff team. A pissed off Aaron Rodgers, DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Evans, Dalvin Cook, Darren Waller, and the Steelers defense are all facing vulnerable opponents this week. Riez may likely be eating a W this weekend.

DARTH RAIDER (5-6) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (5-6)

With 49ers’ loss, Darth Raider is officially the hottest team in the league. Arik has surged from the basement to a potential finish in the top half of the playoff bracket, with little confusion as to how he got there. Always one of the better scorers this season, Arik has the likes of D.K. Metcalf, Nick Chubb, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Amari Cooper, and Cooper Kupp going against vulnerable opposition this week. Arik is also gambling that the Giants defense can take good advantage of the Joe Burrow-less Bengals and Cam Newton continues his mini-renaissance against the Cardinals this week. On the other hand, Sleeping Giants are fighting for their playoff lives, with Dad being the second straight Dominguez boy to drop from 5th to 10th in just one week. This, despite good production from Pat Mahomes, Diontae Johnson, a healthy Calvin Ridley, and the Dolphins defense. But the likes of David Montgomery, Austin Hooper, and Wayne Gallman have to step up this week if Dad wants to end his postseason drought.

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (5-6) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-6)

Much like food on Thanksgiving, some people have a bountiful roster full of players who could have a big week, while others are struggling to put a productive lineup out there each week. Such is the case with this matchup. Between injuries and COVID-19, Orchids of Asia have exactly two healthy bench players, potentially one if D’Andre Swift is ruled out for today’s game. I really don’t want to have to rely on Devin Singletary. Regardless of if he plays or not, I’ll certainly be relying on Russell Wilson to not play down to competition and kick the Eagles’ ass, Chase Claypool to continue his impressive campaign, the Browns defense not to fuck up against the Jaguars, and A.J. Brown and Nyheim Hines to be involved in a shootout. Claypool (and Eric Ebron) would also hamper the Gruden Grinders, who have the likes of Ben Roethlisberger, although Tyler Lockett could do the same to me. Jimmy also rolls out his impressive running game of Josh Jacobs, Aaron Jones, and Ronald Jones, while the Saints defense will likely feast on the Broncos.

49ERS (10-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-8)

Behold, the one scenario where Three Eyed Ravens makes the playoffs: Ewing, Dad, Riez, and I win out, while Arik and Nick lose out while scoring nearly 200 points fewer than Ewing. It seems the biggest challenge of them all in that instance is for Ewing to win out, especially considering he’s got 49ers on deck. Gee is looking for redemption after his unbeaten start was stopped last week and hoping to officially secure his second straight No. 1 seed with a win this week. To that end, Gee is getting Josh Allen and Allen Robinson back from the bye week, while the likes of Tyreek Hill and Derrick Henry are always dangerous (even if they play good defenses this week). However, there is potential for Leonard Foutnette to throw a wrench in Gee’s plans and wreck the Chiefs defense. For Ewing to take advantage, he has to hope for Lamar Jackson to get his shit together (or at least play at this rate), Michael Thomas and Julio Jones to ramp up production, and some form of success from Jonathan Taylor, Darrell Henderson, and J.D. McKissic.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (6-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-10)

For those who don’t know who soccer icon Diego Maradona was, imagine Kobe Bryant mixed with Jesus Christ. That’s the level of adoration he has in places like Argentina and Italy, where the 5’5″ Maradona overcame physical disadvantages to find success across the board, winning the World Cup in 1986 and several club competitions during his time with Barcelona and Napoli. Maradona’s vision, dribbling, and ball control were simply on another level, with his creativity and “creativity” leading to him scoring two of the most famous goals in soccer history (the “Hand of God” and “Goal of the Century“) in the same game. Of course, much like Bryant, Maradona in death is complicated to mourn, with a… let’s call it “interesting” personal life off the field. But similar to the other late sporting legend, the good memories are mostly coming to the surface in the wake of Maradona’s death. Pele would be the unanimous soccer GOAT if not for Maradona, and the Brazilian legend is joining those paying tribute to Argentina’s late Golden Boy.

ONE LAST THING

BANG BANG MOTHERFUCKING DINO GANG!

Looks like I’ve got one more championship team-themed newsletter to write.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness