The current major sports champions in the U.S. may be two teams I hate, one I don’t particularly care for, and one I don’t give a shit about. But leave it to South Korea to prove the sports gods aren’t complete assholes in 2020.
Remember a few months ago, when all sports had been suspended and the world was at a standstill? What was the first league to return to play? That would be the KBO league. Suddenly, the world was fixated on Korean baseball and everyone jumped on bandwagons across the Asian country. I happened to land on the NC Dinos, inspired by their mascot, team name, colors, plucky underdog story, and the fact that they had a “D” in the middle of their hat. Turns out, I made the right call.
First, the Dinos looked to be on pace for a record-setting season. Then they tapered off for a bit, then got back on track, then nearly blew a historic lead that would’ve made all Boston Red Sox fans (myself included) squirm in secondhand embarrassment. But somehow, the Dinos remained on top of the standings all the way through, clinching the all-important bye into the Korean Series. There, they faced off against the Doosan Bears, who had swept the Dinos in their only previous Korean Series appearance back in 2016. After falling behind 2-1, the Dinos pitching and defense stymied the Bears offense, helping win three straight games to close out the series and give the Dinos their first ever championship.
So how did the team celebrate its historic achievement? With a goddamn sword.
Turns out, the Dinos’ owner, NCSoft, is a gaming company that’s behind Lineage, a MMO franchise hugely popular in South Korea. In that game, the Execution Sword is essentially the most powerful item. NCSoft had a real-life replica (similar versions have sold for several hundred thousand dollars) made just for the trophy presentation, completely shitting on the actual KBO championship trophy.
Yep, when all of this is over and I eventually make my way to South Korea, a stop in Changwon is definitely on my list.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
EKEING OUT THE WIN (9-3) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (8-4)
169.92 – 114.50
If this past weekend’s fight was truly for the No. 2 seed, then we have a decisive winner. To be fair, Jop Suey!!! played well enough — 114 points is nothing to slouch at. But peel back the numbers and see how Antonio Gibson (31 points) basically made this semi-respectable. Even if Kyler Murray and the Colts defense hadn’t delivered shitty efforts, it still likely wouldn’t have been enough to win. The Greatest Show on Turf might not have been enough to take down EKEing Out The Win, because holy shit. Kyle must’ve seen that second place spot as shiny as Taylor’s head and pounced with rabid force. Deshaun Watson (33 points), Will Fuller (29 points), James Robinson (21 points), Eric Kendricks (16 points), and the Rams defense (15 points) all went gangbusters, as Kyle not only staked his claim on the second seed, but put the entire league on notice with a nearly record-breaking scoring effort. Kyle has now beaten Taylor twice this season. With a potential trilogy looming, Taylor might be rooting for the No. 7 seed in the playoffs.
SLEEPING GIANTS (6-6) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (5-7)
124.38 – 103.16
Of all the matchups between 5-6 teams (seriously how the fuck were the No. 5 through No. 10 seeds tied on record in Week 12?), this result surprised me the most. Dad, I’m not trying to insult you when I say this. It’s just that you were facing Arik, in control of then-the league’s hottest team and one of the most prolific scorers. Sleeping Giants was on the downturn and once again without Christian McCaffrey. For the sake of his survival, Dad needed his guys to show up. Show up, they did. Pat Mahomes (31 points) was his usual dominant self. David Montgomery (20 points) and Wayne Gallman (15 points) came out of nowhere to contribute. The Dolphins defense (14 points) were back to their usual selves. Darth Raider meanwhile saw great days from Nick Chubb (23 points), Amari Cooper (17 points), and D.K. Metcalf (17 points) wasted thanks to shitty efforts from Cam Newton and Clyde Edwards-Helaire (playing Adrian Peterson and Teddy Bridgewater would’ve netted the win). Arik’s bad luck has picked back up at the worst time.
DIXIE NORMOUS (6-6) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-7)
100.02 – 92.14
Of all the games impacted by the Steelers-Ravens postponement, this was really the only one whose score swayed with the game. Dixie Normous went into yesterday with the lead, but not a big one. Nick’s roster had put together a solid if not spectacular effort, with no one getting fewer than four points or more than 18 points (Taysom Hill). The Packers defense (15 points) and Jaylon Smith (11 points) ended up being two of Nick’s better scorers. As for Footballdamus, Aaron Rodgers (25 points) and Mike Evans (17 points) provided much of the spark, keeping Riez in the contest despite bad efforts from Darren Waller and Tyler Boyd. To close the gap, Riez had to rely on the Steelers defense and Gus Edwards. Pittsburgh, with their defensive domination of the Ravens, thrust Riez into the lead. But a late Baltimore TD and a score by Nick’s sleeper agent Juju Smith-Schuster changed the score for good. The 4th quarter surge gave Nick the chance to snap his streak and send Riez into a must-win situation this week.
ORCHIDS OF ASIA (6-6) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-7)
92.90 – 81.32
Good to see my gamble on keeping Chase Claypool and Eric Ebron in my lineup didn’t blow up in my face, although they didn’t exactly do too much. To be fair, most of the Orchids of Asia didn’t have a spectacular day, especially my once-good pickup in the Browns defense. Russell Wilson had another frustrating effort, though not as frustrating as losing D’Andre Swift to a goddamn concussion again. But Robby Anderson (15 points) and A.J. Brown (21 points) bounced back to carry my offense. Incredibly, this wasn’t only enough to win, but do so by double digits. Gruden Grinders had a disappointing effort altogether, with the exception of Ronald Jones (16 points) and the Saints defense (14 points). Jimmy benched Ben Roethlisberger and went with Daniel Jones, who got injured halfway through his game. Throw in an average effort from Aaron Jones and poor performances from Josh Jacobs, Nelson Agholor, and Tyler Lockett, and Jimmy had an overall mediocre effort. Now, Jimmy’s put in a must-win scenario and I suddenly have high expectations.
49ERS (11-1) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-9)
160.98- 57.34
We gather here today to mourn the loss of Tyler Ewing. Yes, Three Eyed Ravens’ elimination paragraph is coming up shortly. But now we need to add on a funeral for Ewing himself, nuked to death in a classic case of Tyler-on-Tyler crime. Gee is too smart to carry out the murder himself — instead, he hired a pair of thugs from 49ers to beat the living shit out of Ewing. Tyreek Hill (44 points) and Derrick Henry (36 points) were almost enough to beat Ewing’s roster on their own, let alone combined. Oh and in case you’re wondering, Allen Robinson (19 points) and Josh Allen (16 points) drove the getaway car. Still, it’s not like Ewing, whose slim playoff chances relied on him getting a win, put up much of a fight. 57 points in a do-or-die effort? One player (Justin Herbert) putting up double digits? Yeah, Ewing was asking to get his ass kicked. The end result was one of the few times in league history where one team won by triple digits. Ewing got demolished in fantasy football and his real life favorite team is on a losing streak. Not good for the balding one.
C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (7-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-11)
79.12 – 54.80
It takes a surprising amount of time to put together each newsletter, so picking up some kind of habit or game that’s time-consuming is probably a bad idea. So naturally, I recently began to play The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild again. I forgot how in-depth, vast, amazing of a game it truly is. It’s so much fun and actually knowing what the fuck to do this time around is making this playthrough a lot better. But holy fucking shit does it take forever to beat. I’ve spent the past three weekends pretty much just playing Breath of the Wild while not watching football and I’m barely more than halfway through the story campaign. To be fair, I’ve been purposely stalling at some points to build up my heart containers and stamina meter. I’ve even finished both the “Hylian Homeowner” and “From the Ground Up” side quests before taking on the fourth and final Divine Beast (Vah Naboris). I did that one first before and Urbosa’s Fury made the rest of the game so much easier. Anyway, this game is fun as hell and you all should play it.
STANDINGS
GIFT CARD STANDINGS:
- 49ers (11-1)*
- EKEing Out The Win (9-3)*
- Jop Suey!!! (8-4)*
- C’s New Champ Team (7-5)*
- Dixie Normous (6-6)
- Orchids of Asia (6-6)
- Sleeping Giants (6-6)
- Darth Raider (5-7)
- Footballdamus (5-7)
- Gruden Grinders (5-7)
- Three Eyed Ravens (3-9)e
- The Krispy Kritters (1-11)e
* = clinched playoffs
e = eliminated
FREE BEER STANDINGS:
- 49ers (1422.62)
- Jop Suey!!! (1416.02)
- EKEing Out The Win (1352.40)
- Darth Raider (1303.38)
- Footballdamus (1258.82)
- Dixie Normous (1200.72)
- Orchids of Asia (1192.76)
- C’s New Champ Team (1179.78)
- Sleeping Giants (1173.64)
- Gruden Grinders (1158.36)
- Three Eyed Ravens (1078.64)
- The Krispy Kritters (861.98)
IN MEMORIAM
THREE EYED RAVENS (EWING)
Last year, Three Eyed Ravens barely scraped together a first round playoff exit by following the philosophy of relying on Lamar Jackson to do everything. So naturally this year Ewing decided to do the exact same thing, selecting Jackson in the 1st round of the draft. Much like the real life Baltimore Ravens, Ewing’s bunch suffered by Jackson taking a few steps back this year. Up next was Julio Jones, who simply had an unlucky, injury-filled season. Devin Singletary, Jonathan Taylor, Evan Engram, Sony Michel, and Henry Ruggs were not enough to provide enough points week in and week out. That all contributed to an 0-5 start, which was only broken by beating a team whose lineup couldn’t be changed. Ewing tried to make some moves to reverse his fortune, but his decisions ended up being things like dropping Darius Leonard and trading for an injured Michael Thomas. Losing by 103 points to officially secure elimination seems to be a perfect ending for Ewing in a season that’s been nothing short of forgettable and humiliating.
COVID CHAOS
Yesterday, before the Steelers-Ravens game, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, among other things, that the league isn’t planning to hold the playoffs in a single-location bubble, that it’s safe to continue playing, and that the league’s protocols are working. It’s good to know that even in a period of such uncertainty, we can rest easy knowing Goodell is still full of shit.
It’s clear that the NFL has no real COVID-19 plan apart from “just wait it out and hope no one tests positive/the virus goes away.” How else do you explain something like Pittsburgh and Baltimore playing on a goddamn Wednesday? First, fuck Steve Saunders (the Ravens’ strength and conditioning coach and likely source of the team’s outbreak). Second, fuck the NFL. The league is simply hoping to wait out the virus and pray nothing worse comes. The result was a PR disaster followed by a shitshow of a game no one watched.
All of the schedule shifting has made this season feel bizarre, especially after the San Francisco 49ers reveled they would be playing their next two home games at State Farm Stadium (home of the Arizona Cardinals) because new restrictions in Santa Clara County essentially ban organized sports. Now who’s getting shit for rooting for a non-California team, 49ers fans?
Of course, things could’ve been worse. Those teams could’ve suddenly been without their QBs.
Shortly before their game against New Orleans, all four Denver Broncos QBs were ruled ineligible to play because of COVID-19 protocols (thanks Jeff Driskel and the other signal callers for not wearing masks). Thus, Denver had to start a practice squad QB turned WR named Kendall Hinton on 24 hours’ notice. It did not go well, with Hinton completing one pass and the Broncos getting destroyed by the Saints. Denver had lobbied the NFL to get the game postponed, like pretty much every instance before this season. But the league said no, considering that the exposure was limited and not an ongoing outbreak. Sure, it only left one team without someone to play the most important position in the sport, but whatever.
See, what the Broncos didn’t do was be a good team. If Denver had a good record and marketable stars like, for instance, the Ravens or Tennessee Titans, they could’ve had the league bend over backwards to have their game postponed multiple times. The Ravens and Titans probably won’t be punished as badly as teams like the Las Vegas Raiders, who didn’t even have a single game postponed (if anything that game began even earlier than expected). But at least Denver didn’t their postgame, maskless celebration filmed like New Orleans, or else they would’ve been fined for doing the same goddamn thing every team does. Remember when Goodell would suspend players who smoked marijuana for longer periods of time than players who committed domestic violence? This is like that, but in terms of a life-threatening virus that’s led to a pandemic.
Also, fuck Jerry Jones for trying to compare his team’s QB situation with Ben DiNucci to what Denver had to go through… and fuck everything for making me defend the Broncos.By the way, this whole shifting schedules and postponing games is impacting me on a personal level. I couldn’t finish the recaps/previews or update the standings until yesterday, which meant this newsletter got finished hella late. Now, my entire work schedule is being reworked next week. The game between Pittsburgh and Washington (originally set for Sunday) will now be played on Monday before our newscasts, which if it goes long could potentially impact our start time for the special I’m apparently helping put on. Then, the Ravens’ game against the Dallas Cowboys (originally set for tonight) will be on Tuesday night, meaning I’ll have to work late and produce a collapsible show (way more of a pain in the ass to do). This is on top of the usual Thursday night postgame collapsible show I have to do. Yes it’s more football on different days. But I can’t pay as much attention to the game at work, especially if I’m building a show for immediately after.
Get your shit together, NFL.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 MEMORABLE EMERGENCY QBS
The Denver Broncos’ QB situation certainly was the most bizarre of the season, but it’s far from the only time a team has been in desperate need to field a signal caller. Injuries or unforeseen circumstances have taken out all of a team’s available QBs, whether it be before or during the game. We’re not simply talking about a backup or third string QB taking snaps. Those QBs actually practice with the team day in or day out. We’re talking about practice squad QBs, QBs who were barely with the team before starting, or even non-QBs before forced to take snaps. Kendall Hinton certainly falls on the most memorable list, but let’s see where exactly he lands and what other notable names he joins in terms of true “emergency” QBs.
There are a couple of instances on this list where a third string QB is featured, which these days wouldn’t be worthy of a spot on the list. However, there was a period of time — started by one incident on this list and ended by another — where the “Third Quarterback Rule” was in place. Back in the day, teams were only allowed to have two QBs on their active roster for a game. If both QBs couldn’t play, teams would either have to forfeit or use another position player as a QB substitute. With the third QB rule, teams could dress an extra QB in case of emergencies. However, if that third QB came into the game before the 4th quarter, neither the starting or backup QB were allowed to return. That rule was later abolished when gameday roster sizes were expanded from 45 to 46 players, with that extra spot being used for the third-string QB. But before and during the rule’s existence, a third QB would constitute an emergency.
HONORABLE MENTION: DESHAUN FOSTER/DEANGELO WILLIAMS
At one point, the Carolina Panthers lost 17 games in a row in which Chris Weinke started. So with Jake Delhomme injured before a matchup with the Atlanta Falcons in 2006, Weinke may have started, but the offense mostly ran through RBs DeAngelo Williams and DeShaun Foster. The Panthers ran the ball 50+ times, Weinke tossed it just seven times, and Carolina won 10-3.
HONORABLE MENTION: NDAMUKONG SUH
While he didn’t take a snap at QB, Ndamukong Suh did fill in for a spot typically not meant for 6’4″, 315 lb. guys. During a game in 2010 against the New York Jets, the then-rookie Suh stepped up when Detroit K Jason Hanson was briefly injured, attempting but missing an extra point. Unfortunately for Suh and the Lions, that point proved costly, as the Jets won 23-20 in OT.
10. BRIAN ST. PIERRE
Drafted in 2003, Brian St. Pierre was a career backup who didn’t complete his first NFL pass until Week 17 of the 2009 season. In fact, he was out of football altogether until November 11, when he was signed to the Carolina Panthers’ practice squad. But ten days later, after Jimmy Clausen was ruled out with a concussion and with other QBs Matt Moore and Tony Pike already injured, St. Pierre faced the Baltimore Ravens as Carolina’s starter. Despite throwing a then-franchise record (for length) 88-yard TD pass, St. Pierre also tossed two pick sixes in a 37-13 defeat.
9. T.J. RUBLEY
This one is more “infamous” than “famous,” but it certainly belongs here. Late in a 1995 contest against the Minnesota Vikings, the Green Bay Packers — who had already lost Brett Favre to an injury — saw backup Ty Detmer break his finger. In came emergency QB T.J. Rubley, who faced a 3rd and 1 with less than a minute to play in a 24-24 game. Mike Holmgren’s call was for a QB sneak, but Rubley called an audible and promptly threw an INT. The Vikings wound up driving into FG range and winning 27-24. Not surprisingly, that was Rubley’s last game in the NFL.
8. CALEB HANIE
There aren’t a lot of worse times to be forced to use an emergency QB than one game before the Super Bowl. That’s what happened to the Chicago Bears in the 2010 NFC Championship Game, when Jay Cutler and Tod Collins went out with an injury. Caleb Hanie played well enough, but tossed two INTs and the Bears still lost 21-14. There were talks about Cutler returning to the game, but he was unable due to the third QB rule (Hanie came in before the 4th quarter). Before the following season, the NFL abolished the rule and increased the active roster size to 46.
7. FREDDIE SOLOMON
The San Francisco 49ers’ terrible 1978 season came to a merciful end with a 33-14 loss to the Detroit Lions. But the score doesn’t tell the full story. Both Steve DeBerg and Scott Bull injured, the 49ers first turned to DB Bruce Threadgill, who had to have his cast cut off his broken hand. He promptly threw two INTS, so San Francisco turned to WR Freddie Solomon, who actually played well enough, throwing for 85 yards and running for a TD. San Francisco would end up solving its QB position for a while in the following draft, selecting a guy named Joe Montana.
6. WALTER PAYTON
The Chicago Bears do not have a tremendous history when it comes to QBs. With Jim McMahon out of a late 1984 clash with the Green Bay Packers, Chicago was forced to go with Rusty Lisch. However, Mike Ditka was so upset with the way Lisch was playing that mid-game he benched him and put Walter Payton under center, essentially running an early version of the wildcat for the rest of the game. Unlike with running the ball, Payton was not an effective thrower, completing just one pass and throwing an INT as the Bears blew a late lead to lose to their rivals 20-14.
5. KENDALL HINTON
Kendall Hinton’s performance will probably rise in history as time goes on. Honestly it’s just tough to keep track of all the COVID-19 bullshit that’s happened in the NFL so far this season. But one more note on just how poor of a game this was — Hinton’s 0 passing yards were the most out of all QBs in the 1st quarter. Taysom Hill sucked just as much, somehow totaling -8 passing yards in the first 15 minutes. Regardless of how the Saints keep winning, Hill’s mediocre performances surely must have New Orleans seriously considering its future at QB after Drew Brees.
4. TOM TUPA
A dual threat QB/P in college, Tom Tupa’s throwing days were seemingly long in the past by the time the 1999 season began. But then Vinny Testaverde tore his Achilles in Week 1. Bill Parcells had Tupa listed as the Jets’ backup QB to take advantage of an extra roster spot. The third QB rule meant the real backup, Rick Mirer, couldn’t enter before the 4th quarter without New York losing its punter. So Parcells stuck with Tupa, who ended up throwing two TDs in his time under center. Naturally, the Jets still lost 30-28 to the New England Patriots on an Adam Vinatieri FG.
3. BRIAN MITCHELL
Remember the Body Bag game from a few newsletters ago? The Washington Redskins, already without Mark Rypien, saw the Philadelphia Eagles knock out Jeff Rutledge and Stan Humphries. With no other QB left, Washington turned to rookie RB Brian Mitchell to see them through the game. Mitchell did well enough, running for a TD in a 28-14 Redskins loss. However, Mitchell’s debut behind center led to the creation of the third QB rule. Mitchell, meanwhile, went on to become one of the greatest returners in NFL history. No telling if his stint at QB helped.
2. TONY DUNGY
Wanna see something weird? Behold: Tony Dungy with hair. Wanna know something weirder? Dungy is the last player in NFL history to both throw and catch an INT in the same game. That came during the Pittsburgh Steelers’ first clash with the Houston Oilers in 1977. Both Terry Bradshaw and Mike Kruczek were injured during the game, resulting in Dungy being thrust behind center. The DB had already gotten an INT, but gave two more back to the Oilers and also fumbled a snap. But the Steelers were already losing by then, so it was water under the bridge.
1. TOM MATTE
Late in the 1965 season, the Baltimore Colts lost Johnny Unitas and Gary Cuozzo to season-ending injuries. Needing to beat the Los Angeles Rams to force a tiebreaker for the Western Conference title, the Colts turned to RB Tom Matte. In order for Matte to know what to do, Don Shula wrote their plays down on a wristband that Matte wore. It was the first time an NFL QB ever wore a play call wristband. It also worked, with the Colts beating the Rams 20-17, though they lost the tiebreaker the following week. Matte played well, immortalizing himself in history.
CHANGING OF THE PRIDE
Imagine a time where the Detroit Lions weren’t satisfied with being simply above average.
From 2014-2017, Jim Caldwell was in charge of the Lions. He only had one losing season in Detroit (a 11-5 season was among there) and went to the playoffs twice. But then leadership in Detroit said they wanted someone who could take them to the next step, a defensive expert with a professional, championship pedigree. So they hired Matt Patricia.
Nearly three years later, the Lions have yet to crack the six-win barrier and have become one of the biggest shitshows in the league.
Literally everything about the Patricia hire has gone wrong. The former defensive coordinator of the New England Patriots is now in charge of one of the poorest, unable to hold a lead units in the league. Meanwhile, his old defense has gotten better in his absence. On the other side of the ball, Patricia’s offense and play calling has been terrible as well. Detroit can only beat terrible teams, with their few wins per year being the only reason Patricia even lasted this long. Throw in his beef with players (and the media) and the lack of overall ability to pull the trigger and Patricia’s neckbeard ass has consistently been one of the coaches on the hot seat since his hire.
Gone with Patricia is GM Bob Quinn, who hasn’t really been able to bring any notable names or nail a quality draft pick. At this point, it’s clear the Lions needed a restart when it comes to leadership. Hopefully something can be done in time to salvage what’s left of Matt Stafford’s career. Just don’t fuck up D’Andre Swift’s production and we’re cool.
Side note: why the fuck hasn’t some time hired Caldwell yet? He’s been a winner wherever he goes, taking the Indianapolis Colts to the Super Bowl and getting the Lions to the playoffs TWICE. I know he has the personality of a bowl of oatmeal, but the dude can coach. I mean, Adam fucking Gase still has a job. Someone give Caldwell one more chance.
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
DISASTER (noun): a sudden event, such as an accident or a natural catastrophe, that causes great damage or loss of life; an event or fact that has unfortunate consequences. “Man, what a disaster!” Examples: the Chernobyl disaster, Hurricane Katrina, the Camp Fire, the final season of Game of Thrones, the Las Vegas Raiders during their game against the Atlanta Falcons.
Out of everything that could’ve gone wrong on Sunday, all of it did. The shining brown shitty spotlight falls on the offense, particularly the offensive line. Between injuries and COVID-19 issues, the line was dealing with some issues. But nothing is a good enough excuse for letting the Falcons defensive line dominate the game. Atlanta’s typically good rushing defense was stout once again, limiting Josh Jacobs to 27 yards on seven carries and the Raiders as a whole to 40 yards on the ground. The Falcons were also able to get consistent pressure on Derek Carr all game, resulting in three lost fumbles and an INT. Between Las Vegas never being able to get anything going on the ground and turnovers leading to Atlanta points, the Raiders were forced to throw the ball again and again, trying to defeat Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity. Honestly, I can’t even be mad at the defense — they did a decent job to hold the Falcons to FGs until they finally were defeated by field position and time on the field.
I know everyone is expecting me to swear and yell, but believe me I’m trying to hold in my rage and simply articulate my feelings with facts and logic instead of profanity. It’s tough, but I’m determined to do it. I’m not some one trick pony who relies on crude humor and self-deprecation. Plus, it’s not like the Raiders blew an unnecessary game against a team who achieved historic choking marks by a worse score than the Denver Broncos lost Super Bowl XLVIII…
… (eye twitch) welp, I had a good run.
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT ABSOLUTE HORSESHIT?!? THIS is the same team that threw down 40 points at Arrowhead and came less than a minute away from sweeping the defending champs just one week ago? Did we forget the offense back in Nevada? I know this was an early East Coast game, but what the fuck? There is no excuse for this humiliating performance. Do you know how much it hurts watching Pat Mahomes do magic on the field while being sucked off by the announcers, then going back to our wannabe goth QB who fails to complete ballsy plays while making Daniel Jones look like Fred Taylor when it comes to fumbling the ball? Why do the WRs and TEs look like the Greatest Show on Turf one week and the NFC East All-Stars the following week? The defense did okay this week but fuck them for the rest of the season in general. It’s one thing when we get destroyed by teams like the Chiefs or Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But the Falcons? The team where we have a legitimate debate over which of their historic, devastating 4th quarter chokes is worse? Those are the guys who ripped us a new asshole? Get the fuck out of here.
… okay, I’m back in control. Unfortunately, Las Vegas might’ve lost control of their playoff chances. Right now, both the Indianapolis Colts and Miami Dolphins have a better record, meaning the Raiders pretty much need to win both games. The Cleveland Browns are two games ahead, even though Las Vegas owns the tiebreaker. Who knows how else the Baltimore Ravens will be impacted by COVID-19, but their schedule is incredibly easy to end the season. 10-6 would typically be good enough to make the playoffs, but maybe not this year. The Raiders pretty much have to win out in order to ensure themselves of a postseason berth.
You know what’s scary? This exact situation played out last year. The 6-4 Raiders, looking like a potential playoff team, go and play a 3-7 East Coast team and get absolutely destroyed. They then finish the season on a 1-5 streak and end up 7-9. The only difference? This year it was the Falcons who delivered the ass whooping. Last year? It was the New York Jets. Guess who Las Vegas plays this week? The Jets, in an early morning East Coast game. If Jacobs’ injury is serious, I congratulate New York on its first win of the season.
STAT OF THE WEEK
This is either the first time a defensive player has scored TDs on back-to-back plays or the first since like 1948. Either way, congrats to Jeremy Chinn on winning DROY. The last pick of the 2nd round has been killing it this season, another bright spot on what’s been a surprisingly good Carolina Panthers team. Despite their best player missing most of the season (and pissing off Dad in the process) and plenty of holes in a rebuilding roster, the Panthers have been competitive and impressive in pretty much every game. Huge credit to Matt Rhule and most of the offense. It’s unfortunate that Chinn’s effort came in a loss that saw both Teddy Bridgewater and D.J. Moore get hurt. Rhule is building something here. Give Carolina a few years — they’ll be back as a contender before we know it.
A MISSED RECORD
Before we get to this week’s #ThrowbackThursday, I have to acknowledge that I missed one hell of a major moment last week. While researching memorable NFL incidents for November 26, I somehow missed something that was brought up with Tyreek Hill’s performance this past weekend. Hill had 203 receiving yards in the 1st quarter, which brought up questions about the all-time record for a single game. Hill couldn’t keep up that insane pace, finishing with a measly 269 yards on the day. While that is still insane, it ended up being nearly 70 yards short of the NFL record, which took place 31 years ago… last week. So without further ado, let me apologize to a veteran, small-name WR who happens to actually have a great name: Flipper Anderson.
On November 26, 1989, Willie Lee “Flipper” Anderson did something no NFL WR has ever done — barely — seemingly out of nowhere. The all-time NFL single-game receiving yards record had actually been set less than four years prior, when Stephone Paige put up 309 yards to break Jim Benton’s 40-year-old record. No one thought it would be broken — and significantly at that — so soon. But Anderson, who like Paige never even made a Pro Bowl, proved otherwise in just his second season in the league. In Week 12, Anderson’s Rams traveled to New Orleans for a matchup that would end up having playoff implications. The Saints defense got after Jim Everett all day, who didn’t have a lot of targets with starting WR Henry Ellard out with an injury. New Orleans was up 10-3 at halftime, while Anderson had four catches for just 85 yards. While the Saints added another TD to make it 17-3, things began to change for Anderson in the 3rd quarter. After catching a pair of passes for 20 yards each, Anderson hauled in a 50-yard bomb late in the quarter to bring his total to 175 yards. With Los Angeles looking to make a comeback, they went to the air in the 4th quarter, so they went to Anderson. A 46-yard completion to Anderson set the Rams up just outside the end zone, with them scoring to make it 17-10. With Los Angeles trailing late, Anderson helped turn a 2nd and 32 into a 3rd and 2, helping the Rams continue the drive. That drive ended with a 15-yard pass to Anderson, tying the game at 17-17. Los Angeles actually had a chance to win it in regulation, in thanks to another 26-yard gain by Anderson. But Mike Lansford’s kick went wide, sending the game to OT. Anderson, who had 13 catches for 296 yards, took advantage of the extra frame. After drawing a 35-yard pass interference penalty, Anderson caught two additional passes for 40 yards, including a 26-yard catch to take the Rams to the 14-yard line. This time, Lansford didn’t miss, as Los Angeles won 20-17, eventually making the playoffs with a 11-5 record over the 9-7 Saints. But the real story was Anderson, who made history with 15 catches for 336 yards. Counting yardage lost to sacks, Anderson finished with 336 of the Rams’ 415 net passing yards (that adds up to 80%). More than 30 years later, no one has been able to match Anderson’s mark, although there is one giant, 6’5″ asterisk named Calvin Johnson. In 2013, Johnson came by far the closest to breaking Anderson’s mark, finishing with 14 catches for 329 yards in the Detroit Lions’ 31-30 win over the Dallas Cowboys (the game where Matt Stafford looked like he would spike the ball but instead leapt over the goal line). While Johnson finished seven yards short of Anderon’s record, all of his yards came in regulation (Anderson had 40 in OT). But while people can argue whether Anderson or Johnson had the better game, we can at least appreciate the wording of this sentence: in terms of NFL receiving yard history, Megatron can only be beaten by Flipper.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 3, 2015, we witnessed a miracle in Motown. Going into their Thursday Night matchup, the Green Bay Packers and Detroit Lions were going in opposite directions and a whole lot closer than they had been a month ago. Green Bay began the season 6-0, but had lost four of the last five games. On the other hand, Detroit started 0-5, but had won four of its past six games. Those recent stretches included a 18-16 Lions win at Lambeau Field 18 days prior, their first road win against the Packers since 1991. Even so, it was pretty surprising to see Detroit go up 17-0 in the first quarter, shut out Green Bay in the first half (the first time the Packers had a scoreless first half in 56 games, and tack on a FG to go up 20-0 with 8:54 left in the 3rd quarter. But then fortunes began to change, particularly for the Packers. James Starks fumbled on 1st and Goal, but Randall Cobb recovered the ball in the end zone to help Green Bay cut the lead to 20-7. On the next play from scrimmage, Julius Peppers knocked the ball from Matt Stafford and the Packers recovered. Aaron Rodgers found Davante Adams for a TD a few plays later to make it 20-14. Detroit was able to stabilize things for a little while, hitting another FG to go up 23-14 with just over seven minutes remaining. But Rodgers drove the Packers down the field, finishing the drive himself with a 17-yard TD run to make it 23-21 with 3:04 left. The Lions managed to take most of that time off the clock, giving Green Bay the ball back on their 21-yard line with 23 seconds remaining. Two incomplete passes later and with six seconds to go, Rodgers hit James Jones, who began a series of laterals hoping for a miracle. The ball eventually got back to Rodgers, who was tackled by Devin Taylor to seemingly end the game. But the officials threw a flag on Taylor for a facemask. While replays showed the call was at least close and at most controversial, the Packers were given an untimed down from their 39-yard line. On that play, Rodgers danced around in the pocket, rolled out to his right, and heaved the ball into the end zone, where Richard Rodgers leapt in front of several defenders and caught it for the walkoff Hail Mary TD. The incredible 27-23 finish changed the trajectories of both teams. Green Bay went on a winning streak that saw them make the playoffs, where their QB added another Hail Mary to his legacy against the Arizona Cardinals. Detroit, meanwhile, basically had their playoff chances die with the Rodgers-Rodgers TD, finishing 7-9 on the season. Quick personal story from this game: we used to have a director at FOX40 who was a Lions fan. He was working that night — when the Hail Mary happened, he yelled “Are you fucking kidding me?!?” at the top of his lungs, walked out of the newsroom, and didn’t return for 15 minutes. As much as this past loss was a disaster, at least us Raiders fans can take solace in the fact that we’re not Lions fans.
THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:
- 2005 — The first manned rocket aircraft delivery of U.S. Mail is made.
- 1977 — The Golden State Warriors terminate Latrell Sprewell’s contract, following an incident that saw Sprewell choke head coach P.J. Carlesimo.
- 1994 — The Playstation is released in Japan.
- 1992 — The world’s first text message is sent via the Vodafone network.
- 1982 — A soil sample is taken from Times Beach, MO, that will be found to contain 300 times the safe level of dioxin, resulting in the complete evacuation of the more than 2,000 people who live there.
- 1979 — 11 people are suffocated in a crush for seats on the concourse outside Riverfront Coliseum in Cincinnati before a Who concert.
- 1967 — A team at Groote Schuur Hospital in Cape Town, South Africa carries out the first heart transplant on a human.
- 1965 — The Beatles release their sixth album, Rubber Soul.
- 1962 — The Los Angeles Rams select QB Terry Baker with the first overall pick in the NFL Draft, which also saw John Mackey drafted.
- 1956 — Wilt Chamberlain makes his varsity debut for Kansas, scoring 52 points and grabbing 31 rebounds (both school records) in a 87-69 win over Northwestern.
- 1950 — The Cleveland Browns defeat the Philadelphia Eagles 13-7 without completing a pass, the most recent such game in NFL history.
- 1927 — Putting Pants on Philip, the first Laurel and Hardy film, is released.
- 1910 — Modern neon lighting is first demonstrated by Georges Claude at the Paris Motor Show.
- 1898 — The Duquesne Country and Athletic Club defeats an all-star collection of early football players 16-0 in what is considered to be the first pro football all-star game.
- 1818 — Illinois becomes the 21st state.
- 1800 — The Electoral College casts votes for President and Vice President that result in a tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, which would not be broken until the 36th ballot of the contingent election the following February.
- 1775 — The USS Alfred becomes the first vessel to fly the Grand Union Flag (considered the first national flag of the U.S.
BIRTHDAYS:
- 1968 — Brendan Fraser, actor best known as Rick O’Connell in The Mummy franchise.
- 1960 — Mike Ramsey, former NHL player and member of the Olympic gold medal-winning 1980 U.S. Men’s Hockey Team.
- 1960 — Julianne Moore, actress known for a lot of roles.
- 1948 — Ozzy Osbourne, iconic rock musician.
DEATHS:
- 2015 — Scott Weiland, musician best known as the former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots.
- 1894 — Robert Louis Stevenson, iconic writer whose works include Treasure Island and Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!
Happy National Roof Over Your Head Day! Celebrate having a roof over your head while the Raiders’ roof collapses on top of them.
THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW
OLYMPIC LEGEND & AMERICAN HERO RAFER JOHNSON DEAD AT 86
LOS ANGELES, Calif. –Rafer Johnson, who won the decathlon at the 1960 Rome Olympics and helped subdue Robert F. Kennedy’s assassin in 1968, died Wednesday. He was 86.
He died at his home in the Sherman Oaks section of Los Angeles, according to family friend Michael Roth. No cause of death was announced.
Johnson was among the world’s greatest athletes from 1955 through his Olympic triumph in 1960, winning a national decathlon championship in 1956 and a silver medal at the Melbourne Olympics that same year.
His Olympic career included carrying the U.S. flag at the 1960 Games and lighting the cauldron at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to open the 1984 Games. Johnson set world records in the decathlon three different times amid a fierce rivalry with his UCLA teammate C.K. Yang of Taiwan and Vasily Kuznetsov of the former Soviet Union.
Johnson won a gold medal at the Pan American Games in 1955 while competing in just his fourth decathlon. At a welcome home meet afterward in Kingsburg, California, he set his first world record, breaking the mark of two-time Olympic champion and his childhood hero Bob Mathias.
Honestly, the stories in my show were kind of meh this past week. So let me highlight an American legend you may not have heard of. I certainly hadn’t in 2004, when Dad took me to the U.S. Olympic Team Track & Field trials at Sac State. Out of nowhere, Dad shouted, “Holy shit, that’s Rafer Johnson!”. I asked who that was and was promptly told to get his autograph. So I did, having him sign my visor while he regaled Dad with a story. Once we got home, I was able to find out more about Johnson and his achievements, both on and off the track. RIP to a hero.
ANOTHER FEMALE FIRST
Over the weekend, we saw football history. Sarah Fuller, a goalkeeper for Vanderbilt’s soccer team, was offered to help the injured Commodores by filling in at K. Because Vanderbilt’s offense is dogshit, Fuller didn’t even get to attempt an extra point. But she did kick off (and give a fiery halftime speech), becoming the first woman to play in a Power 5 conference college football game. Even better, Fuller is expected to stay with the team through at least their next game.
While Fuller made history on the college side, another woman broke a barrier in the pros. Browns TE coach Drew Petzing had to miss Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars when his wife gave birth to their child. To fill the void, Cleveland’s Chief of Staff stepped up on an interim basis. That chief of staff — Callie Brownson, the first woman to serve as a position coach in a NFL game and thus the highest-ranking female coach in NFL history. On top of that, Brownson’s group also proved effective, with Austin Hooper scoring a TD to help the Browns beat the Jaguars. It’s the kind of history that we never thought would happen anytime soon, but was suddenly made out of nowhere. Congrats to Brownson on being the first.
Brownson and Fuller are the latest in a string of recent female success in the football ranks. Last season, Sarah Thomas became the first female to officiate a NFL playoff game, while Katie Sowers became the first female and openly gay coach in Super Bowl history. Some are crediting this recent rise with the NFL’s Women’s Careers in Football Forum, first held in 2017. Its goal is to connect women working in college football with key leaders in the pro and collegiate ranks. Brownson attended the first forum, proof that this is working.
These are baby steps and it will likely still be a while before we get more women working on a permanent basis in the NFL. But this is a great start — representation matters.
2020 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $40
Dad: $40
Ewing: $40
Taylor: $40
Gee: $40
Richard: $40
Kyle: $40
Chriss: $40
Arik: $40
Nick: $0
Jimmy: $0
Riez: $0
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-7) VS. DARTH RAIDER (5-7)Welcome to the playoffs before the playoffs: win or go home. Whoever wins this matchup of Footballdamus against Darth Raider will go to the playoffs, likely as the No. 7 or No. 8 seed but possibly higher. The loser is straight up eliminated. With the stakes as high as possible, who can Riez and Arik rely on to punch their ticket to the postseason? The QB position could be huge, with Riez getting to trot out Aaron Rodgers. If Arik doesn’t want to hit the waiver wire, he’ll be forced to rely on Cam Newton, who is the definition of boom or bust at this point. But quite frankly any position could be the game breaker, as both lineups feature potentially huge days. DeAndre Hopkins, Dalvin Cook, Darren Waller, Gus Edwards, and the Steelers defense will look to do well for Riez, while D.K. Metcalf, Nick Chubb, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Cooper Kupp, and Amari Cooper will be part of Arik’s last ditch effort. Both Ariz and Riez have been in the top half of all scorers all season. But only one of them will be able to keep fighting for their first title.
SLEEPING GIANTS (6-6) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-7)
The stakes are almost as high in this matchup as well. While Sleeping Giants wouldn’t be for sure eliminated with a loss, they’d have to stay within 14 points of Gruden Grinders to ensure a spot in the postseason. Jimmy meanwhile would be eliminated altogether if he fails to beat Dad. While he probably feels secure enough to put Ben Roethlisberger back in the lineup, Jimmy’s true security blanket and ticket to the playoffs remains his running game. Aaron Jones and Josh Jacobs must do well, while Jimmy must find a replacement for Ronald Jones. In addition, Tyler Lockett and Jonnu Smith must do much better than last week, while the Saints defense faces the same Falcons team that torched Jacobs and Nelson Agholor. But Dad might have the edge this time, even without Christian McCaffrey (again). Pat Mahomes, Diontae Johnson, David Montgomery, and the Dolphins defense are all facing poor defenses this week. No one wants to miss the playoffs twice in a row. The loser of this game probably will face that awful fate.
EKEING OUT THE WIN (9-3) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (7-5)
After a brief stumble, EKEing Out The Win has regained its grip on the No. 2 seed. One more win would clinch that spot, but Kyle’s path isn’t completely free of booby traps. C’s New Champ Team has somehow found a spot perfectly in between the top contenders and the pack of guys fighting each other for a postseason spot. With one more win, Chriss will clinch the No. 4 seed. Can he pull off the upset? Jared Goff will need to be a hell of a lot better than he was last week, while Chris Carson will need to stay healthy. Kareem Hunt, Ceedee Lamb, and Ezekiel Elliott have all been good, but are all facing tough opponents. Justin Jefferson and the Seahawks defense will likely have to play well to give Chriss a boost. Kyle is having to deal with the loss of Will Fuller for the season, but he’s got plenty of weapons to choose from. Deshaun Watson is still amazing, while Keenan Allen, James Robinson, and Kenyan Drake are capable of big days. There’s actually a small chance Chriss and Kyle meet in the playoffs, but honestly probably not.
49ERS (11-1) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (6-6)
The only confirmed playoff seed is the top one, occupied by 49ers. Gee has nothing to play for this week, with the exception of the Free Beer title and ruining Nick’s dreams. Dixie Normous is in a semi-comfortable position, but can’t completely relax. Having to rely on Taysom Hill again is probably not the best idea, while every other lineup spot apart from Juju Smith-Schuster — Mike Gesicki, Giovani Bernard, Brian Hill, DeVante Parker, the Packers defense — appears to have a low floor and high ceiling this week. Even Smith-Schuster can’t be entirely relied on, with so many other weapons on his team. Speaking of weapons, that’s all Gee has in his lineup. Derrick Henry, Tyreek Hill, Josh Allen, Allen Robinson, Raheem Mostert, and the Chiefs defense are just part of the list of dangerous tools ready for Gee’s use. Gee was able to respond to his first loss of the season by putting up 160 goddamn points last week. Now let’s see if the league is truly fucked and if Gee happens to be his full potential at literally the exact perfect time: playoff time.
JOP SUEY!!! (8-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-9)
I just want to make it plain before I start this long-winded joke. Nobody, and I mean nooo-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobody cares about this matchup. Unless Three Eyed Ravens somehow beats Jop Suey!!! just to have Ewing piss Taylor off.
ORCHIDS OF ASIA (6-6) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-11)
If anyone could challenge Katie Nolan as my sports media personality crush, it’s Mina Kimes. I’ve been following her since she was only known for her incredibly well-written articles about everything from Aaron Rodgers to League of Legends to (bringing it back to the theme) KBO bat flipping. Now of course she’s one of ESPN’s brightest TV personalities known as much for her NFL analysis as her ability to be a meme. This past weekend, Kimes made headlines for something that wasn’t her sports knowledge. Celebrity chef and restauranteur David Chang was competing on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? for charity and had gotten to the million-dollar question: which U.S. president was the first to have electricity in the White House? Chang used his “phone a friend” lifeline to call, of all people, Kimes, who managed to narrow down her choice (Benjamin Harrison) as the 30 seconds expired. Chang correctly went with Kimes’ gut and became the first celebrity to win the show. Another reason to live Mina Kimes.
ONE LAST THING
Until the NC Dinos took home the KBO title, I was fully intending on having this week’s theme be “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” For those who don’t know, that’s the name of a song recorded by a group of players from the 1985 Chicago Bears (including Walter Payton, Jim McMahon, Mike Singletary, William Perry, Richard Dent, and Otis Wilson), bragging about how good they are and how they’re going to win the Super Bowl. Although the Bears would in fact make good on their boast and come out on top in Super Bowl XX, this song was interestingly recorded the day after Chicago’s loss to the Miami Dolphins — their only loss of the season. Today marks 35 years since the song’s release, with the Bears becoming the first sports team to make a rap video, being nominated for a Grammy, and inspiring imitators (including the infamous Masters of the Gridiron movie from a few newsletters ago).
Put simply, “The Super Bowl Shuffle” is one of the most famous pieces of NFL-related media ever made. It may not be the best song in history, but it’s become iconic with the Bears, the Super Bowl, and football media in general. To accompany what would’ve been the theme, I began working on a parody of the song for our league, like I did with “This is Halloween” a few years ago. I didn’t want my work to go to waste, so I finished the song and have it ready for you guys. Note: there are 12 members of our league but only ten players who sang. So, I decided to leave out the two people who for sure won’t make the playoffs (Ewing and Richard), reducing them to being the backup members. Don’t like it? Win more, bitches.
Without further ado, let’s get shuffling.
We are the League’s shufflin’ crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we’ll never be good
Blowin’ leads like the Chargers would
You know we’re just playin’ for fun
Fantasy football for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
Well, they call me T-Gee
And I like to trade
Ripping people off is like makin’ lemonade
I’ve had the goal since the draft
To give the rest of the league the shaft
And I’m not doin’ this
Because I’m greedy
The 49ers are doin’ it because I’m needy (for revenge)
I didn’t come here to look for trouble
I just come here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
This is Scoring Taylor, and I’m world class
My guys like runnin’, but they can also pass
I pick guys up all day and make trades all night
I gotta get ready for the Sunday fight
Now I’m as smooth as a porcupine
But it doesn’t matter as long as that trophy’s mine
There’s not one here that does it like me
My Epic Bowl shuffle will set you free
My name is Kyle and I’m as good as gold
Near the top of the standings, big and bold
I’ve been scoring a lot for quite a while
Doin’ what’s right and settin’ the style
Give me a chance, I’ll make sure your season is ended
Unless my players keep getting hurt or suspended
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
We are the League’s shufflin’ crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we’ll never be good
Blowin’ leads like the Falcons would
You know we’re just playin’ for fun
Fantasy football for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
I’m the punky dude known as Commish
When I ask for dues, I’ve got to wish
I just bitch in my newsletter each night
I can’t draft, but I sure can write
I motivate the guys, I like to tease
I play so cool; I make them wheeze
That’s why you all got here on the double
To catch me doin’ the Epic Bowl Shuffle
I’m mama’s boy Chriss, one of a kind
The ladies all love me for my cane and my mind
I’m running around as fast as I can be
Ain’t no sucker gonna get past me
Some guys are jealous of the hole in my chest
That’s why some end up not doing their best
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I’m just gettin’ down to the Epic Bowl Shuffle
They say Jimbo is our man
If Jimmy can’t do it, a lot of people can
I party hard and it’s no wonder
I piss like rain, crap like thunder
So bring on the Chiefs and the rest of the attack
This is for Jacobs and the Silver and Black
But I’m not here to make feathers ruffle
I just came here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
I’m LA Nick and I play it cool
They sneak by me ’cause I’m a fool
I fly up the standings and get on down
Then get on a losing stream and feel like a clown
Who knows if I’ll win on any given day
At least the Dodgers got their way
So please don’t try to beat my hustle
‘Cause I’m just here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
We are the League’s shufflin’ crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we’ll never be good
Blowin’ leads like the Lions would
You know we’re just playin’ for fun
Fantasy football for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
The dark horse is comin’; I’m your man Arik
My team is anything but generic
We can really run, we can also pass
My luck’s just been truly ass
We love to play the team that scores the most
If I catch a break, the league is toast
But don’t get ready or go to any trouble
Unless you practice the Epic Bowl Shuffle
It’s Riez here, and I’m Mr. Inconsistent
They call me the guy who needs an assistant
I beat a bunch of teams who are really great
Then I lose to the guy who’s 0-8
At my peak I can get past anyone
But I’ll probably end up being one and done
Come on everybody, let’s scream and yell
We’re gonna do the shuffle, then ring your bell
You’re lookin’ at Dad; I’m the old man
I may be large, but I’m no dumb fan
You’ve seen me draft well, and make a good pick
It’s just that my luck has been really shit
We can really play, you will see
Hopefully I’ll get back Christian McCaffrey
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
One, two, three, uh
We are the League’s shufflin’ crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we’ll never be good
Blowin’ leads like the Clippers would
You know we’re just playin’ for fun
Fantasy football for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
We are the League’s shufflin’ crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we’ll never be good
Blowin’ leads like your mother would
You know we’re just playin’ for fun
Fantasy football for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Epic Bowl Shuffle
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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