Ruben's Writings

The Week 14 newsletter — the one right before the first round of the playoffs — is always the toughest to do each year. On top of the recaps, previews, features, and usual shenanigans, I’ve got to say goodbye to each team that didn’t make the postseason, while recapping every team that did. It’s still fun to do, but it’s definitely a challenge, an inevitable mountain I have to climb. 

In terms of fantasy football, it’s inevitable that anyone who plays it comes across The League. For those who don’t know, The League was a sitcom that debuted in 2009, airing on FX and FXX, with a focus on a group of six friends who participate in a fantasy football league. The show, especially in its early seasons, featured some fucking hysterical improvisational humor and memorable one-liners. It introduced Mr. McGibblets, fear boners, Yobagoya, rosterbating, Taco Corp, and of course Shiva blasting into popular culture. Guest stars included names like Will Forte, Brie Larson, Rob Riggle, Seth Rogen, and Jeff Goldblum. It also became popular enough to attract regular cameos from NFL names, ranging from Terry Bradshaw, Deion Sanders, Jim McMahon, and Jerry Jones to Maurice Jones-Drew, Chad Johnson, Antonio Gates, Marshawn Lynch, and Adrian Peterson to Matthew Berry, Rich Eisen, and Jay Glazer. This show is something everyone in this league, or anyone who plays fantasy football, should watch at some point in their lives. 

Given that this is such an easy topic to center a theme around, it would be way too easy to simply pull this out at any time. There has to be a good reason to make The League my newsletter theme, the start of the playoffs not being enough on its own. Fortunately, I happen to have such a reason this week. Yesterday marked five years since the final episode of The League aired. But unlike the final fantasy football season in the show, ours will not end with a coin being declared the winner. There may, however, be some deadly surgery, sex concussions, and beer miles involved.

IT’S TIME FOR THE PLAYOFFS, SHIT SIPPERS!!!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-7) DEF. DARTH RAIDER (5-8)

155.60 – 92.26

How fitting — a season defined by exceptionally terrible luck ends with the worst possible luck for Week 13. After battling back to be in playoff position, all that was standing between Darth Raider and an unlikely playoff berth was Footballdamus. What happened? Most of Arik’s lineup completely shat the bed, while Riez put up the highest score of the week. It’s a fitting, perfect harmony of awfulness. Only Cam Newton (23 points), Nick Chubb (16 points), and Jason Sanders (14 points) showed up for Arik, the fifth-highest scoring team in the league. But even if there had been more support, it likely wouldn’t have mattered. While much of the focus has been on Arik’s scoring prowess, let’s not forget that Riez finished above Arik in the Free Beer standings. That’s thanks to a huge day from Darren Waller (32 points), Corey Davis (24 points), and Aaron Rodgers (23 points) along with solid efforts from Dalvin Cook (17 points) and Tyler Boyd (14 points). That’s how Riez completed his own unlikely run to the postseason. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (7-6) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-8)

138.82- 77.30

Speaking of being just a short distance away from the playoffs, all that stood in between Gruden Grinders and a spot in the postseason were two people with the last name “Dominguez.” After coming up empty last week, Jimmy still had a shot against Dad, needing to beat him by at least 15 points. Not only did that not happen, but it was Sleeping Giants who not only won, but by four times that amount. The team who got the No. 1 overall pick has finally been playing like it recently, capped by this past weekend’s playoff-clinching effort. While Pat Mahomes (19 points) wasn’t his usual explosive self, Dad’s supporting cast of David Montgomery (23 points), Marvin Jones (17 points), Harrison Butker (18 points), the Dolphins defense (14 points), Diontae Johnson (13 points), and Wayne Gallman (13 points) were more than enough to push him over the finish line. Meanwhile, only Aaron Jones (20 points) and Ben Roethlisberger (19 points) showed up for Jimmy, whose attempt at redemption came to an end before it really began. 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (8-5) DEF. EKEING OUT THE WIN (9-4)

100.40 – 84.48

Some say EKEing Out The Win was simply resting their starters to get ready for the playoffs and give Taylor false hope. Others say C’s New Champ Team simply wanted to fuck with my chances to be the No. 4 seed. Either way, we end up with one more upset to close out the regular season. Kyle, who scored over 160 points the week before, tallied just over half of that this time around. That was partially due to late, unexpected injuries to Chris Boswell and Eric Kendricks. But that doesn’t account for poor days from Keenan Allen and the Bears defense, or Deshaun Watson (20 points) missing out on one more potential score by fumbling the ball. With Kyle’s lineup looking mighty mediocre (James Robinson’s 16 points aside)… it was up to Chriss to take advantage. Kirk Cousins (22 points), Justin Jefferson (18 points), and a resurgent Chris Carson (17 points) got the job done. I just feel sorry for the poor sap a pissed off Kyle is going to face in the first round. Wait… (checks playoff bracket) SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!!!  

JOP SUEY!!! (9-4) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-10)

117.02 – 68.46

Jop Suey!!! saw the opportunity shining as bright as any light reflecting off Taylor’s head — the No. 2 seed and the scoring title within his reach. Taylor more than got there, thanks to one more explosive effort from his guys. Kyler Murray (17 points) was not exactly his spectacular self, but Davante Adams (24 points), Alvin Kamara 15 points), Myles Gaskin (12 points) and the Colts defense (12 points) provided more than enough support to push Taylor to victory. It also helped that Taylor was facing a hollow shell of a team in Three Eyed Ravens. Ironically, once Ewing finally willingly started Justin Herbert over Lamar Jackson, it was when the former had the worst game of his young career and the latter returned to form. Having Jonathan Taylor and his 19 points in the lineup instead of Zack Moss probably would’ve helped as well. But in the end, Taylor would’ve had too much firepower for Ewing to deal with. As Ewing’s season mercifully ends, Taylor goes into the playoffs as the No. 2 seed. But what about that whole free beer thing?

49ERS (12-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (6-7)

103.40 – 82.78

Even though 49ers had nothing to play for, locked into the No. 1 seed, there was still the chance for free… let’s call them “mind numbing substances.” To do that, Gee would have to not get outscored by Taylor seven or more points. It was in this endeavor that Gee’s reliable scorers — Derrick Henry and Tyreek Hill –remained mostly silent, save for a backflip from the latter on a TD that got overturned that made him look like an even bigger jackass. Josh Allen (30 points), Adam Thielen (13 points), and J.K. Dobbins (13 points) did their part, but ultimately Gee’s point total failed to come within single digits of Taylor’s, meaning Gee falls just short of repeating as Free Beer champion. Of course, the overall win wasn’t in question — Dixie Normous stood no chance. Great games from Taysom Hill (23 points) and Mike Gesicki (14 points) were ruined by poor efforts from Giovani Bernard, Brian Hill, Juju-Smith Schuster, and DeVante Parker. Despite the poor result, Nick had managed to do enough earlier to hang on to the final playoff spot..

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (7-6) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-12)

90.82 – 73.52

So at what point do the NFL’s COVID-19 policies become a complete joke, or have they already reached that mark? After last week’s Ravens-Steelers game was postponed several times due to positive tests, Baltimore was back in the news again. Just before kickoff against Dallas, WR Dez Bryant was told he tested positive and would not be playing. Good to get the guy who tested positive out of there (even though it sucks for him and he’s going to sit out the rest of the season as a result), but what about the rest? Bryant, who was about to face his old team (the Cowboys), was shaking hands and hugging several Dallas staffers, not to mention his own teammates he was warming up with. Are they not at risk of being exposed? Or did the NFL simply say “fuck it” because it was so close to game time? That phrase — “fuck it” — seems to be the NFL’s official stance on coronavirus precautions throughout the season. They’ve been lucky so far overall. They’d better hope “fuck it” can work for everything during the playoffs.

STANDINGS

FINAL GIFT CARD STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (11-1)*
2. Jop Suey!!! (9-4)*
3. EKEing Out The Win (9-4)*
4. C’s New Champ Team (8-5)*
5. Sleeping Giants (7-6)*
6. Orchids of Asia (7-6)*
7. Footballdamus (6-7)*
8. Dixie Normous (6-7)*
9. Darth Raider (5-7)e
10. Gruden Grinders (5-7)e
11. Three Eyed Ravens (3-9)e
12. The Krispy Kritters (1-11)e

* = clinched playoffs

e = eliminated

For the second straight year, Gee has won a gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings. Unlike last year, he doesn’t have to share the honor with anyone. Now to wait for a time to actually use it…

FINAL FREE BEER STANDINGS:

1. Jop Suey!!! (1533.04)
2. 49ers (1526.02)
3. EKEing Out The Win (1436.88)
4. Footballdamus (1414.42)
5. Darth Raider (1395.64)
6. Sleeping Giants (1312.46)
7. Orchids of Asia (1283.58)
8. Dixie Normous (1283.50)
9. C’s New Champ Team (1280.18)
10. Gruden Grinders (1235.66)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1147.10)
12. The Krispy Kritters (935.50)

We have a new winner of free beer — congrats to Taylor on killing it the most consistently this season! Let me know what kind of beer you want! Now, after some consideration, I’ve decided that Taylor won’t be the only one getting beer this year. The point of these standings was to get some kind of reward for scoring, no matter the overall record. This year, no one personified the spirit behind this award more than Arik, who finished in the Top 5 in scoring yet somehow always found himself matched up against someone who happened to score more, ending up with the most total points scored against — by far. I must be sympathetic in this case. As a consolation prize, Arik will also get free beer. As with Taylor, let me know what kind you want.

IN MEMORIAM

WILD HOGS (JIMMY)

To describe the Wild Hogs’ season as “up-and-down” would be a disservice to the term. I mean, Jimmy’s first eight matchups went as follows: win, loss, win, loss, win, loss, win, loss. But as the season went on, another trend began to emerge. After hitting triple digits in each of his first three games, Jimmy only did so twice across the rest of the season. Part of that can be explained by injuries. Aaron Jones and Josh Jacobs are as powerful as a RB tandem as any. But both dealt with injuries and other setbacks, while injuries ended Courtland Sutton’s season injury. Tyler Lockett and Juju Smith-Schuster also dealt with being on offenses with several weapons. Another reason for the decline was a lack of a superstar QB. Put it this way, Jimmy had to rely on Carson Wentz for most of the year. Jimmy made a number of moves and trades to try to fix things, but those just ended up being band-aids at best. Jimmy’s offense just disappeared, as he lost four of his five final matchups to fall  out of contention and end his season earlier than expected.

DARTH RAIDER (ARIK)

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Epic League’s version of the 2010 San Diego Chargers. For all intents and purposes, Darth Raider deserved to make the playoffs, and finish in the top half of the standings at that. Arik hit on most of his draft picks and moves. But what he couldn’t plan for was exceptionally shitty luck. Arik finished with double digits just four times all season, the third fewest total in the league. He was also the only team to lose multiple times while scoring 120+ points, including a defeat in which he finished with 143 points (by far the most in a loss by anyone). It seemed that Arik always faced one of the few people (or the only person) who happened to score more than him each week. Arik also had to deal with a number of injuries, including losing Dak Prescott for the season and Nick Chubb for several weeks. Clyde Edwards-Helaire’s sudden nosedive didn’t help, either. Of course, Arik had to win four straight to put himself one victory away from the playoffs. That’s as close as he would get. Objectively, you have to feel bad for Arik.

THE LAST OF THE LEAGUE

13 weeks and countless stupid decisions later, we’ve finally whittled down the league to the final eight playoff teams. Given that the league in The League only has eight players, we’ve pulled even in terms of space. But then again I find 12-team leagues to be perfect, so I’ll take where things are at. Still, the number does give me a chance to compare our league members to those of the fictional league.

1. 49ERS

After coming so close to winning it all last season, 49ers are back with a vengeance and an even better record (the fictional 49ers, anyway). Gee is once again the favorite to take the crown, though I fear what will happen once he gets full power. I had been going back and forth between Andre and Ruxin for Gee, but we’ve seen what happens when Ruxin gets a whiff of success. That is exactly how I picture Gee behaving should he get his hands on the trophy once again. We’re just hoping Gee can outkick his coverage when it comes to the female department.

2. JOP SUEY!!!

Yes, I chose Andre for Jop Suey!!! to make yet another bald joke (although the hair Andre grows out during Sacko punishment looks awfully like Kyle’s current hairdo). But Taylor’s team bears a resemblance to Andre, also a former league champion. Despite being himself, Andre has scored himself a well-paying job, a nice condo, and some sexy time with several women, including Shiva herself. Taylor was the highest scoring team in the league, although we’ll have to see whether he starts a wine bar, runs a marathon, or cries while watching Jumanji (and it wasn’t allergies).

3. EKEING OUT THE WIN

Once again a contender for the title, EKEing Out The Win has had their ups and downs this season. But Kyle certainly has the firepower to win it all. His consistent success is like that of Pete, who similarly is able to “trade rape” his friends. The question is now if Kyle’s success will be like Pete winning three titles in four years during the early years of the league (does interrupting that streak make me Taco?), or like Pete coming up short in the Shiva Bowl several times before winning his first ever Sacko Bowl and retiring from fantasy football with $1m and a beach house.

4. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM

Look, someone had to be Jenny. Here’s why I think she fits C’s New Champ Team best of all. While overall boring and unrelatable to us man-children, Jenny’s knowledge and success often fly under the radar. When she finally joined the league, she found instant success, making it to the Shiva Bowl in her first season. Think of Chriss coming back from his technology-hampered 2019 with a successful, playoff-bound campaign this season. All he has to do is figure out if winning the trophy is worth having a kid, or if that pain he’s experiencing is simply a chest in his hole.

5. SLEEPING GIANTS

Full disclosure: after I got through the six main characters and Rafi, I had no idea who to go with to be the eighth character. Whoever it would’ve been was going to represent Sleeping Giants, and therefore Dad. It couldn’t be too awkward or irrelevant, which doesn’t sound like too much of a challenge. But it surprisingly was. So I thought it’d be funny to have Dad be the lone child for once and made him Ellie. At least he’s got the potty mouth to match. Dad also went from worst to favorite to make the semi-finals, so he’s got that going for him besides this dumb comparison.

6. ORCHIDS OF ASIA

This was by far the easiest one. Kevin is the league commissioner, so that’s Orchids of Asia taken care of. Like me, Kevin used to be the commish who couldn’t win it all — lamenting all he did for the league with no reward. Then, again like me, he finally broke through, although unlike me there was no league-wide draft collusion to put an asterisk on the season. Also, to be clear, I have never claimed to have been working in the World Trade Center during the 9/11 attacks. My title reign may only last another few days, but at least I defended my crown in the playoffs.

7. FOOTBALLDAMUS

You’d need as much weed as it takes to get Taco high in order to comprehend the ups and downs of Footballdamus’ season. Despite being one of the league’s highest scorers, Riez was near the bottom of the standings at the midway point. He was even the only one to lose to Richard all season. But somehow Riez found success, winning three of his last four to make the playoffs. Taco, while extremely confusing, has managed to find success with Taco Corp., the ladies, and fantasy football. Maybe this will be the year Riez finally joins the elusive champions’ club.

8. DIXIE NORMOUS

Rafi works so goddamn well here. “Loose cannon” is nowhere near enough to describe Rafi or all the deranged, batshit insane stuff he gets into. Dixie Normous’ name alone is something Rafi would totally come up with, although he might not be as subtle with a sex joke. Much like Rafi, Nick’s season has been unpredictable, going from a three-game losing streak to a five-game winning streak to another three-game losing streak. But the potential for success is there. Rafi was the breakout character of the show, so many Nick can have similar luck in the playoffs.

THE EAST WILL RISE AGAIN

If you had to pick, what could be the most 2020 ending possible for this season? For me, it would be the NFC East — in contention for the worst division in NFL history — suddenly getting its shit together and the division winner making a run. Incredibly, we may be getting at least the first part.

This past week was by far the most successful for the division as a whole in 2020 (given that the teams in the division went 2-2, I guess it’s fitting). While it was ugly, the NFC East secured two of the biggest upsets this season, and with it potential momentum — seriously.

The highlight of the week was undoubtedly the Washington Football Team ending the Pittsburgh Steelers’ unbeaten season with a 23-17 comeback win. Washington trailed by 14 points at one point — 78 of the past 80 teams to go down by that much at Heinz Field had lost. Washington had also lost Antonio Gibson to a toe injury and saw Alex Smith suffer another gross leg injury. But Smith, Ron Rivera, and others on that team are fucking warriors who’ve dealt with much more than football. The defense clamped down on Pittsburgh’s formidable attack, Smith led some scoring drives, and Washington had themselves the upset of the season.

While much is being said about the Steelers and the whole “worst 11-0 team ever” thing, I’d like to instead heap praise on Washington. Given the shitty state of the team last season and the whole name controversy that saw the team become the lightning rod of the football world, Rivera and company have shown tremendous poise and leadership. This team is injured to hell and undermanned, but they’re fighting and now tied for first place in the division. If Smith, who has the biggest lock on the Comeback Player of the Year award in history, can lead Washington to a few more wins and a playoff spot, it’s one of the greatest stories in league history. Honestly, even if they lose out from now on, they’ve still done a remarkable job given the setbacks they’ve endured. There’s some true talent on this team, which will be successful in the future.

Of course, Washington wasn’t the only NFC East team to get a glimmer of hope in Week 13. The New York Giants pulled off perhaps the second-biggest upset of the season, going into Seattle and topping the Seahawks to go to first place in the division. The Giants, without Saquon Barkley, Daniel Jones, or an offensive line, instead had to rely on the likes of Colt McCoy and Alfred Morris to get the job done. Of course, a huge part of it was the defense, which is legitimately one of the best units in the NFL. New York shut down Seattle’s high-powered offense (much to my chagrin) and may have the inside track to the playoffs. While there are some big holes (RB) and question marks (QB) with the team, Joe Judge appears to be doing some terrific work.

As for the Philadelphia Eagles, they did not get the win on Sunday. However, they might’ve gotten something as important: hope. After weeks of terrible play and being killed by opposing defenses, the Eagles finally pulled the trigger at QB, swapping Carson Wentz for Jalen Hurts. While Hurts didn’t do enough to make the comeback, his play did provide a notable spark to the offense. Now, he’s getting his first career start against a New Orleans Saints defense that has balled the fuck out recently. It may be a major “throw him to the wolves” moment, but if Hurts can even look competent, there’s legitimate excitement in Philadelphia. This team may not be good enough or healthy enough to win right now, but Hurts is the future. We may get a glimpse of that future.

Then there are the Dallas Cowboys.

Anyway, for the first time all season, there appears to be legitimate cause for optimism in the NFC East. Will it last? Probably not, but it’s good to have hope. Plus, at least even Dallas can say they’re not the New York Jets.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

(me during the entire 4th quarter, at various pitches and tones)

The Raiders aren’t simply a football team. They are an experience, an experiment in existentialism to see just how much losing, playing down to competition, and terrible defense a fan base can take. Las Vegas can’t ever win a game comfortably or live up to expectations, unless those expectations are being terrible. 

It doesn’t matter, for example, if the Raiders are fighting for their playoff chances and facing the only winless team in football. I expected Las Vegas to at the very least struggle against the Jets, not just the Raiders hadn’t won this matchup in New York since 1996 (including an ass whooping loss last season). No, it was because the Raiders, who had just been on the receiving end of a different ass whooping last week, can’t win comfortably. Once I saw Josh Jacobs was going to miss the game with an injury, I predicted to my co-workers that the Jets would win.

My prediction seemed on point when New York’s opening drive TD was followed by a Las Vegas INT. But after the second TD, the Jets began to Jets, turning the ball over on three straight possessions (thanks in part to Clelin Ferrell literally having the best game of his career) and allowing the Raiders to get the lead with a pass to Darren “Absolute Unit” Waller. With another Raiders TD on a play that will give any fan PTSD — Derek Carr lunging for the corner of the end zone — it seemed to the untrained eye that Las Vegas had done the job.

Then the 4th quarter happened. The Raiders defense showed their inner Paul Guenther, giving up two straight TDs sandwiched around a Las Vegas fumble. But with multiple timeouts remaining and plenty of time on the clock against a winless team, it seemed the Raiders had a great chance to steal the win. Nope. Carr went full noodle arm as the offensive line couldn’t get enough protection. Las Vegas was stopped just short of goal to go, needing to rely on the defense to make one more stop. Incredibly they did, with the referees somehow allowing the clock to continue to run despite Ty Johnson being tackled out of bounds. The final drive featured a play that lost half of the remaining clock and Carr missing a wide open Nelson Agholor. Thus, the Raiders had just 19 seconds to go 46 yards and avoid the franchise’s most embarrassing loss in the past 20 years.

Then something incredible happened. Remember the whole “Raiders experience” brand of chaos and the sense of losing I mentioned earlier? That suddenly ran into another existential force, something bigger and beyond anything we’ve experienced: the Jets. As miserable and ill-fated the Raiders have been over the past two decades, New York has 30 more years of experience. How else do you explain Greg Williams taking the literally unprecedented action of sending a blitz on a Hail Mary, leaving his CB, Lamar Jackson, alone against arguably the fastest WR in football. That’s how Henry Ruggs, who was responsible for the INT and 4th quarter fumble, found redemption on the game-winning TD with five seconds left (although I could’ve done without the Raiders fucking up a squib kick and giving the Jets a shot at the end zone).

I have never felt a sense of relief, elation, anger, and frustration quite like I did when Ruggs caught that TD. This play, along with the Hail Murray, will go down as one of the most memorable of the year if not the decade. I don’t want that. I want to forget this game ever happened. Every time this play is brought up, so will the fact that the Raiders took advantage of an inexcusable defensive play call to beat a 0-11 team on a Hail Mary. Imagine winning on a 46-yard TD pass with five seconds left and not wanting to celebrate it. Don’t get me wrong — thank fucking god it happened. I would much rather be pissed off at narrowly winning against a winless team then be pissed off at losing against that team. Pour one out for Jets fans and Trevor Lawrence.

Now it’s time to get our shit kicked in by the Indianapolis Colts defense.

STAT OF THE WEEK

It’s also the biggest blowout in franchise history. It’s comforting to know that as a fan of such a chaotic team as the Las Vegas Raiders, I have something to rely on that’s as consistent as the misery and suffering of the Los Angeles Chargers.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 10, 1983, two eras came to an end. For the vast majority of their existence, the New York Jets had called Shea Stadium home. Although the fans and the team loved being there, Shea Stadium’s primary owner didn’t enjoy sharing with the Jets. The New York Mets made the Jets such a bitch in the stadium lease that the Jets weren’t allowed to host a home game until the Mets’ season was over (imagine the Raiders having this relationship with the A’s while in Oakland). Before 1983 (the last year of the deal), the Jets tried to renegotiate terms, but were unsuccessful. So they decided to move to Giants Stadium in New Jersey, home of the New York Giants and a place where the Jets had been able to play early season home games. Despite having slim playoff chances going into their Week 15 showdown against the Pittsburgh Steelers, everyone knew this would be the Jets’ last ever game at Shea Stadium (the scoreboard read “N.J. Jets” for the game). But no one knew that the Steelers would experience a “last” of their own as well. Terry Bradshaw had undergone elbow surgery on his throwing arm before the season, prompting concerns about his future. Despite this, Chuck Noll wanted to rebuild the defense, so they took DT Gabriel Rivera over local QB prospect Dam Marino in the 1983 NFL Draft (Rivera started well but became paralyzed in a car crash while driving drunk in October). Bradshaw didn’t play during Pittsburgh’s first 14 games, though his team started off with a strong 1992 record. But going into Week 15 the Steelers had lost three straight games, opening up the door for the surging Cleveland Browns to possibly win the AFC Central. So, Bradshaw sucked it up and returned to the lineup for the first time all year. After the first drive, the offense began to click, with Bradshaw finding Gregg Garrity for a 17-yard TD to go up 7-0. Another Jets punt was followed by another efficient drive from the Steelers, ending with an 11-yard TD pass from Bradshaw to Calvin Sweeney. But as Pittsburgh fans celebrated, their QB grimaced in pain. Bradshaw said that he “heard a pop” as he threw the pass, went to the sidelines, and told the trainer he “was done.” Done he was — that pass would be the last of Bradshaw’s career. In spite of the injury, Bradshaw had done enough, as the Steelers easily won 34-7, securing the division title and a playoff berth. As for Jets fans, the party was just getting started. After the final whistle, fans went apeshit, grabbing everything from seats to signage to even bits of the turf to take home as a keepsake. Just two weeks later, Bradshaw’s career and the Steelers’ season would officially be torn to shreds as well, as Pittsburgh was eliminated in the Divisional Round 38-10 by the eventual Super Bowl champion Oakland Raiders

.THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2019 — Democrats in the House of Representatives announce formal charges against President Trump that accuse him of abusing power and obstructing Congress, making him only the fourth U.S. president in history to face impeachment.
• 1968 — Japan’s biggest heist, the still-unsolved “300 million yen robbery,” is carried out in Tokyo.
• 1922 — The Canton Bulldogs officially win the first ever NFL championship.
• 1901 — The first Nobel Prize ceremony is held in Stockholm.
• 1884 — Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published.
• 1868 — The first traffic lights are installed, outside the Palace of Westminster in London.
• 1861 — Kentucky becomes the 13th state of the Confederacy.
• 1817 — Mississippi becomes the 20th state.
• 1768 — The first edition of the Encyclopædia Britannica is published.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1996 — Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals QB.
• 1985 — Matt Forte, former Pro Bowl NFL RB.
• 1957 — Michael Clarke Duncan, late actor best known for his role as John Coffey in The Green Mile.
• 1927 — Bob Farrell, founder of Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour.
• 1851 — Melvin Dewey, inventor of the Dewey Decimal system.

DEATHS:

• 2005 — Richard Pryor, iconic actor/stand-up comedian.
• 1977 — Adolph Rupp, iconic college basketball coach.
• 1967 — Otis Redding, iconic soul/blues musician.
• 1946 — Walter Johnson, HOF pitcher.
• 1896 — Alfred Nobel, chemist/inventor and namesake of the Nobel Prize.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Lager Day! Lord knows I’m gonna need one when I get home from work tonight. It’s gonna be a long night. In fact, it’s been a long week… and a long month… and a long year. And it took me forever to put together this fucking monster of a newsletter. You know what, let me go check my refrigerator…

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

WILLIAM SHAPESPEARE RECEIVES COVID-19 VACCINE

COVENTRY, England – An 81-year-old man became the second person to receive a COVID-19 vaccine in the U.K. on Tuesday, but he gained worldwide attention over his name: William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare, who hails from Warwickshire, the county where the famous English poet was born, got his shot at University Hospital Coventry. Shortly after receiving the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine, Shakespeare said it was “groundbreaking” for him to be getting one.

“It could make a difference to our lives from now on, couldn’t it?” he said. “It’s started changing our lives and our lifestyle.”

The first 800,000 doses of the Pfizer vaccine in the U.K. are going to people older than 80 who are either hospitalized or already have outpatient appointments scheduled, along with nursing home workers. The U.K. is getting a head start on the project after British regulators gave emergency authorization on Dec. 2 to the vaccine produced by U.S. drugmaker Pfizer and Germany’s BioNTech. The first recipient was grandmother Margaret Keenan, who turns 91 next week.

READ MORE

So if Keenan was Patient 1A, was Shakespeare Patient 2B or not 2B? Did one of the two Gentlemen of Corona exclaim, “Is this a needle which I see before me?” during the vaccination? Did he get two doses, both alike in quantity? Hopefully this helps people who are more concerned about the taming of the flu realize the pandemic isn’t much ado about nothing. All’s well that ends well. Tired of these Shakespeare puns? Well, a plague on both your houses.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 “JORDAN VS. PIPPEN” MOMENTS

Today also marks the anniversary of something relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of sports history, but something that’s still notable nonetheless. On December 10, 2002, Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen faced off for the only time in their careers. It goes without saying these two are the greatest teammates in basketball history, with the GOAT and GOAT wingman combining to win six NBA titles with the Chicago Bulls. But things don’t always end in perfect fashion. Jordan’s last memory wasn’t silencing the Delta Center crowd with “The Last Shot,” but instead floundering past his prime on the Washington Wizards. Pippen (for financial reasons) left the Windy City for one dysfunctional year with the Houston Rockets and the chance to be part of one of the biggest collapses in NBA history while simultaneously ensuring the Shaq-Kobe era doesn’t die before it begins with the Portland Trail Blazers. At that point in their careers, both were old and often injured, not to mention playing in different conferences. But for one day, the stars aligned to give us one of the most cursed images the sport of basketball has ever seen. It also gave us a fittingly disappointing finish to a much-anticipated matchup. Jordan and Pippen each finished with 14 points as the Trail Blazers won 98-79.

This easily could’ve just been another one-line note in the “This Day in Much Less Relevant News” section. But it got me thinking about whether we’d seen something like that in the NFL — two players who were highly successful as teammates facing off during the twilight of their careers. Turns out, there are just enough relevant examples to fill out a Top 10 list. Now, there have been plenty of examples of legends playing their former teammates — Brett Favre against Aaron Rodgers, Joe Montana against Steve Young/Jerry Rice, Peyton Manning against Reggie Wayne. However, all were examples of those legends facing their old teams as well. I’m talking about two players who made sweet music together on one team battling each other on two other teams while (mostly) past their prime. There also aren’t examples on the scale of Jordan-Pippen. Most players on the greatest NFL dynasties (the 60’s Green Bay Packers, 70’s Pittsburgh Steelers, 90’s Dallas Cowboys) played their entire careers with those teams, with those who spent time elsewhere pretty much never having their timelines match up with another teammate who left. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen — especially if we get head coaches involved.

HONORABLE MENTION: MARCUS ALLEN VS. TOM FLORES

As the star RB and head coach, respectively, of the Los Angeles Raiders, HOFer Marcus Allen and (hopefully future HOFer) Tom Flores made sweet music together. That was never more apparent than the 1983 season, which saw the Silver and Black go on one of the greatest playoff runs in NFL history on the way to a Super Bowl XVIII victory. Ten years later, both would end up on other AFC West teams, with Flores helming the Seattle Seahawks and Allen running for the Kansas City Chiefs. In four Seahawks-Chiefs matchups, Allen came out with a 3-1 record.  

HONORABLE MENTION: BRETT FAVRE VS. MIKE HOLMGREN

Did anyone but Dad know Mike Holmgren won two Super Bowls as the San Francisco 49ers’ offensive coordinator? Most know Holmgren for his time in charge of the Seattle Seahawks. But in between those destinations, Holmgren was the head coach for the Green Bay Packers when they won their first post-Vince Lombardi Lombardi Trophy. The star of that team was undeniably Brett Favre, one of the greatest QBs of all time. During Favre’s one season with the New York Jets in 2008, he fell 13-3 to his former coach in Holmgren’s final home game in Seattle.  

10. BERNIE KOSAR VS. EARNEST BYNER

The last time the Cleveland Browns were genuine playoff contenders (before this year anyway), Bernie Kosar and Earnest Byner led the team’s high-powered offense. Kosar set playoff passing records, while Byner provided an explosive ground element to make the offense even more deadly. Twice, they led the Browns to the AFC Championship Game, only to fall to the Denver Broncos each time, the second ending with Byner’s famous fumble near the goal line. Two years after his fumble, Byner was traded to Washington, where he won Super Bowl XXVI and made the “70 Greatest Redskins” list. Byner came back to Cleveland in 1994, but by then Kosar had left, first going to Dallas before ending his career with the Miami Dolphins. Kosar’s one year as a Cowboy was also Btner’s last in Washington, with the two Browns greats facing off twice. Byner’s team won 35-16 in Week 1, but Kosar had the last laugh, not only winning 38-3 in Week 17 (during which he saw playing time) but going on to win a ring of his own in Super Bowl XXVIII. 

9. JIM MCMAHON VS. WILLIAM PERRY

The 1985 Chicago Bears weren’t just one of the best teams in NFL history — they were larger than life. The Bears’ roster was full of exceptionally talented excentrics, all of whom had some… interesting personalities. Apart from head coach Mike Ditka, perhaps the two most famous people (in terms of everything but their play) were Jim McMahon and William Perry. McMahon, the QB who met George Halas while drinking a beer, was a good enough thrower when healthy to lead a team to success. Perry, the rookie who tackled snacks harder than he hit opponents, garnered the nickname “Refrigerator” and a cult following. But by 1994, both were near the end of their football careers. McMahon was a 3rd string QB for the Arizona Cardinals, while Perry was holding on with the Philadelphia Eagles. While Perry couldn’t sack his former QB, his Eagles did get the 17-7 win. 1994 was Perry’s last year in the NFL — he played in the WLAF in 1996. That year saw McMahon retire after winning another Super Bowl — with the Green Bay Packers.   

8. JOHN LYNCH VS. WARREN SAPP

While I don’t like talking about the 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers for obvious reasons, their defense was nonetheless one of the best in NFL history. That defense was littered with all-time talent, including five All-Pros. Two of those players — Warren Sapp and John Lynch. Sapp was the centerpiece of Tampa Bay’s fearsome defensive line, while Lynch was part of the ball hawking secondary. But less than two years after they saw their ultimate triumph in Super Bowl XXXVII, both Lynch and Sapp were no longer Buccaneers. Sapp decided to join the very team Tampa Bay curb stomped in the Super Bowl, spending the final four years of his career with the Oakland Raiders. Lynch joined him in the AFC West, opting instead to head to the Denver Broncos. Both Sapp and Lynch retired after the 2007 season (though Lynch spent the 2008 preseason with the New England Patriots). Unfortunately for Raiders fans, Lynch’s Broncos mostly got the best of Sapp’s team, with Denver winning six of the eight meetings in which both were rostered.  

7. RICHARD SHERMAN VS. EARL THOMAS

Speaking of legendary defensive units, the Legion of Boom not only led the Seattle Seahawks to a Super Bowl XLVIII win (and a questionable play call away from another win the following year), but cemented themselves as one of the most infamous groups in NFL history. They could hit opponents and prevent them from scoring, while not shutting the fuck up the entire time. Seattle’s secondary was the key group, anchored by Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas. Not surprisingly, a group filled with talented, egotistical trash talkers couldn’t last forever. Sherman marched away to join the rival San Francisco 49ers in 2018, with Thomas heading to the Baltimore Ravens one year later. Their lone matchup came last season, when the Ravens edged the 49ers in what many (except funny enough for reasons that are hilarious Thomas) thought was a Super Bowl preview. But Sherman had the last laugh, as he’s still on an NFL roster (though maybe not in San Francisco for too long), while Thomas is still a free agent after being cut before this season.

6. EARL MORRALL VS. JOHN MACKEY

Earl Morrall had one of the most interesting, bizarre, successful careers in NFL history. He was traded to Detroit in 1958 in the famous Bobby Lane deal, in which the Lions legend allegedly cursed his former team to “not win for 50 years.” A decade later, Morrall, now with the Colts, filled in for an injured Johnny Unitas, was named NFL MVP, and led Baltimore to Super Bowl III. Two years later, he replaced an injured Unitas again in Super Bowl V, which the Colts won. Two years after that, Morrall was claimed for $100 off waivers by the Miami Dolphins. That year, Morrall replaced an injured Bob Griese for most of the season, as Miami went 17-0 and won Super Bowl VII. It was during that perfect season that Morrall faced off against an old friend, John Mackey. One of the greatest TEs in history, Mackey had also been on those Colts teams. But in his final season, he had moved to the San Diego Chargers. Their Week 5 matchup happened to be the very game where Griese got injured, paving the way for Morrall to further etch himself in history.

5. MARK RYPIEN VS. ART MONK

Washington has won three Super Bowls in its history, all three with Art Monk on the roster. One of the most underrated WRs of all time, Monk was one of the most reliable pass catchers of all time, at one point holding the NFL record for both receptions in a season and in a career. During the season Mark won his second Super Bowl, Mark Rypien was Washington’s backup QB. By the time 1991 rolled around, Rypien had won the starting job and led his team to a 14-2 record, ending the season as Super Bowl MVP. Just three years later, Rypien was out of Washington, having been replaced by Rich Gannon due to injury. Turns out, Rypien was done as a starter, as he signed with the Cleveland Browns as a backup. Washington was also done with Monk, who signed with the New York Jets. In 1994, Rypien watched from the sidelines as his Browns topped Monk’s Jets 27-7. Monk did come back for three more games with the Philadelphia Eagles in 1995, but didn’t sign in time to face Rypien — now with the St. Louis Rams — one more time.  

4. PEYTON MANNING VS. DWIGHT FREENEY

While the Indianapolis Colts only won one Super Bowl during the 2000’s/early 2010’s (to be fair they did reach a second title game), they were still one of the most dominant teams of that era. On offense, they were led by Peyton Manning, who at some point has held pretty much every NFL QB record. Indianapolis also had an underrated defense with several notable names, the biggest being DE Dwight Freeney. One of the best defensive lineman since the turn of the millennium, Freeney set multiple franchise sack records. But in time, both would leave the Colts and head to the AFC West. Manning went first, signing with the Denver Broncos in 2012 after being dumped for Andrew Luck. A year later, Freeney signed with the San Diego Chargers. Freeney, who sat out all of 2013, said sacking his former teammate was greatly on his mind. Unfortunately for Freeney, he never got that elusive sack, as Manning and the Broncos won both 2014 matchups. Manning retired after the following season, with Freeney doing so in 2018.

3. KURT WARNER VS. TORRY HOLT VS. ISAAC BRUCE

During their time with the St. Louis Rams, Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, and Marshall Faulk combined to form the “Greatest Show on Turf,” one of the most lethal offenses the NFL has ever seen. While Faulk retired in St. Louis, the other three Super Bowl XXXIV champs didn’t. Declining play and injuries led to Warner leaving for the New York Giants in 2004, before finding the fountain of youth in Arizona and having a renaissance with the Cardinals. Bruce stuck around until 2008, when he signed with the San Francisco 49ers. That was the first year Bruce faced off against his former QB, with Warner’s Cardinals winning both matchups en route to Super Bowl XLIII. The following year, Holt got in on the action, signing with the Jacksonville Jaguars, who had both the 49ers and Cardinals on their schedule. Unfortunately for Holt, his Jaguars got smacked by both of his old teammate’s squads. Bruce was the overall winner of 2009, with San Francisco sweeping Arizona. But at least Warner made the playoffs, where he got hit so hard he retired.  

2. KEN STABLER VS. DAVE CASPER

The year the Raiders last won a Super Bowl, two Silver and Black icons — twice removed as teammates — faced off in a bizarre showdown. Ken Stabler and Dave Casper are two legends, combining to guide the Raiders to postseason success — including Super Bowl XI and the famous “Ghost to the Post” game. Both of their tenures in Silver and Black came to an end in 1980, when Stabler and Casper each signed with the Houston Oilers. Their time in Houston wasn’t as successful as it was in Oakland, with Stabler leaving for New Orleans. He became the starter for the Saints when longtime QB Archie Manning was traded to, of all teams, the Oilers. Midway through the following season, Manning and Casper were sent to the Minnesota Vikings, just in time for a showdown with the Saints. Casper was ineffective and Stabler threw three INTs, but New Orleans managed to hold on for a 17-16 victory. Stabler lasted just one more year with the Saints before retiring, while Casper returned to the Raiders for one final season.

1. JOE MONTANA VS. ROGER CRAIG

Look, Gee and Dad, if I have to see my favorite team’s legends in other uniforms, you do too. I don’t need to explain to anyone the impact Joe Montana, arguably the GOAT QB (yeah I just keep pissing off 49ers fans), had while in San Francisco. One of his most productive teammates was also one of the most underrated players of all time. Roger Craig was the primary backfield star for the 49ers during their era of dominance, playing a crucial role in three Super Bowl triumphs. But as this list proves, there are plenty of perfect situations that don’t end that way. Craig signed with, of all teams, the Los Angeles Raiders in 1991, then headed to Minnesota, spending the final two years of his career with the Vikings. 1993 also saw Montana depart for the Kansas City Chiefs following a QB controversy in San Francisco. Craig didn’t do much in his team’s Week 17 showdown against Montana’s Chiefs. But the scoreline still read 30-10 in favor of the Vikings, as Craig got to retire with one win over his fellow 49ers legend and former GOAT QB.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

QUARTER-FINAL PREVIEW

1. 49ERS VS. 8. DIXIE NORMOUS

Well, here we go again. Given that 49ers and Dixie Normous played each other just last week, you can just look at last week’s preview again. Although, I guess there are a couple of changes. Notably, Gee has the opportunity to make Nick his total and complete bitch by beating him three times in one season — the maximum amount of beatdowns any team can deliver to another. There’s also the whole playoff thing as well, I guess. One legitimately big change — Gee is making a QB change, going with Ryan Tannehill over Josh Allen. Along with Derrick Henry, Gee is definitely hoping for a better offensive performance from the Titans this week. But even if that doesn’t happen, Adam Thielen, Tyreek Hill, J.K. Dobbins, and Allen Robinson are all likely to do well once again. Nick meanwhile counters with Tom Brady, Juju-Smith Schuster, Todd Gurley, and Mike Gesicki. Given James Connor’s status, it’s also unclear whether his play will be impacted by his health scare. This lineup has to hit hard for Nick to stand a chance.

4. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM VS. 5. SLEEPING GIANTS

While the other quarter-final matchups have their clear favorites, this matchup is fairly wide open. Either C’s New Champ Team or Sleeping Giants will be thrilled to make the semi-finals, especially after both of their disastrous 2019 campaigns. As always, the biggest question for Dad is whether or not his first overall pick will get to play. Christian McCaffrey has only been in three games this season, and gotten 20+ points in all three contests. That’s a game changer. Paired up with guys like Pat Mahomes, Diontae Johnson, and a suddenly revitalized David Montgomery, McCaffrey’s presence would mean Dad can genuinely go far in the playoffs. As for Chriss, the dynamic duo of Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson has been key to recent success. The health of Chris Carson is also a big factor, as he and the Seahawks defense get to feast on the Jets. CeeDee Lamb and Ezekiel Elliott are also getting ready to feast on the Bengals. Get ready — this could genuinely be the most exciting matchup of all in the quarter-finals.

2. JOP SUEY!!! VS. 7. FOOTBALLDAMUS

If you’re looking for points, you’ll find them here. Jop Suey!!! and Footballdamus go head-to-head in the only matchup of Top 4 scoring offenses in the playoffs (at least for this week). Taylor does have a couple of concerns going into the weekend. Kyler Murray, who got bottled up last week, is up against the same Giants defense that clamped down Russell Wilson. What’s more, Antonio Gibson’s status is still uncertain. But Taylor does have plenty of RB depth, along with an ace up his sleeve. Aaron Rodgers has been killing it for Riez, mostly with passes to Davante Adams. Guess who has Adams — Taylor. Sure, Riez also has DeAndre Hopkins. But Hopkins hasn’t been as big of a target for Murray as Adams has been for Rogers. Riez will likely need a pick-me-up from Corey Davis, Dalvin Cook, the Steelers defense, and Darren Waller. The latter would do wonders for Taylor personally but not for Taylor when it comes to fantasy football. Waller and the Raiders are going up against Darius Leonard and Taylor’s productive Colts defense.

3. EKEING OUT THE WIN VS. 6. ORCHIDS OF ASIA

Is EKEing Out the Win-Orchids of Asia becoming the Clemson-Alabama of the Epic League? This will be the third straight year Kyle and I have faced off in the playoffs, with the victor winning the championship that same season. Given that the No. 3 seed has won the past three titles, Kyle has to be feeling pretty good about his chances. James Robinson has been arguably the best pickup of the season, while Keenan Allen and Mike Evans are point machines in waiting. What’s more, Kyle gets to get his revenge on me using key pieces of my championship team from last year. Deshaun Watson and Kenyan Drake were my heroes. Now, they’re about to be my undoing. That is, unless Russell Wilson gets his shit together, D’Andre Swift returns alongside Nyheim Hines to solve my RB problems, I finally get my WR selections right, and the Bills defense finally lives up to last year’s potential. In truth, this will likely be my last correspondence as defending champion. Can’t wait for next year’s eventual playoff showdown with Kyle.

ONE LAST THING

ESPN continues to battle with Nintendo for the title of “Company I Used to Love When I was Younger but Now Keeps Doing Evil Things.” Following their recent round of job cuts, ESPN announced that longtime radio host and TV personality Dan Le Batard would be leaving the company in January. If you would’ve told me this years ago, my reaction would’ve been somewhere between “meh” and “good.” Now, not so much.

Le Batard first came into my world during a guest hosting appearance on Pardon The Interruption. I forget who he was filling in for, but his soon-to-be signature “BAM!” catchphrase meant either Tony Kornheiser or Mike Wilbon wasn’t going to be on the show, which sucked. It always seemed that Le Batard would find a way to be contrarian with whatever Kornheiser or Wilbon were saying. That frequently made him annoying to me. I couldn’t believe he had his own radio show and was getting his own show, Highly Questionable. Who would want to listen to this guy? Also, why is his elderly father on TV? It thought it was all stupid.

Then I grew up. Rather, I began to think for myself more, partially influenced by my own career in journalism. While I still think PTI is an amazing show, I no longer take Kornheiser’s or Wilbon’s words as gospel. Quite frankly, both can be old blowhards a lot of the time. I also realized that while Le Batard, like other personalities, would often spew loud and contrarian opinions, he was the only one not taking himself seriously. I began to appreciate his self-deprecating humor, his deep ties to and roots in Miami, and the way he did things differently. I watched Highly Questionable more and more and began to realize how fucking hilarious it was. It’s one of the few shows on ESPN where guests like Katie Nolan, Pablo Torre, Mina Kimes, Bomani Jones, Sarah Spain, Israel Gutierrez, and Domonique Foxworth can be themselves and fully express their valued opinions. Also, Papi is the fucking man.

I also began to appreciate what Le Batard was doing and why he was being so different. He wasn’t afraid to think outside the box and challenge beliefs and systems he thought were dumb. One of his biggest controversies came in 2014, when it was revealed that he was the member of the BBWAA who gave his Baseball Hall of Fame vote away to Deadspin, allowing them to give viewers direct input on the ballot. Le Batard did so because he was critical of the entire voting process, how some voters would completely misuse their ballots, and the focus on players involved with performance-enhancing drug scandals. All of those are true problems for the baseball Hall of Fame, which as we all know has many, many issues. As a result, he was stripped of voting privileges for life. 

Le Batard, a fluent Spanish speaker and son of Cuban exiles, has never been afraid to talk about race when it comes to sports. He was invited to speak on Fox News about the impact of race in the Michael Vick case, only for him to call out the hosts for only inviting non-black people to speak on the subject. He also criticized President Trump’s comments towards four minority congresswomen, in which he told them to “go back” to the “crime-infested places from which they came.” Le Batard blasted the president (always a win in my book) and called ESPN’s policy of avoiding politics “cowardly.” He missed several days of segments due to private bullshit corporate discussions over his comments. 

But the straw that finally broke the camel’s back was the recent job cuts made by ESPN. Those cuts, which came last month, included Chris Cote, a key producer of The Dan Le Batard Show With Stugotz. Le Batard was incensed, saying he was “blindsided” by the news and calling not being informed about Cote’s dismissal beforehand the “greatest disrespect of my professional career.” But rather than get mad, Le Batard got even, hiring Cote as his personal assistant, paying him out of his own pocket and even giving him a raise. That is fucking awesome.

Unfortunately, it seems that saga made the rift between Le Batard and ESPN too big to cross. Given Le Batard’s talent and fan base, it’s not a question of if he’ll be heard from again, but where, when, and in what capacity. For the sake of sports media, I hope that gets figured out soon. I don’t agree with nearly everything Le Batard says, but sports media needs more people like him. He’s a rare breed. Hopefully, his old school brand doesn’t become history.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness