Ruben's Writings

On this day 31 years ago, arguably the greatest dynasty in American TV history began. Given how it started, no one could’ve seen how it ended up today.

The Tracey Ullman Show wanted to use a series of animated shorts as bumpers between sketches. So one of the show’s producers, James Brooks, asked his friend, Matt Groening, for an idea, originally wanting to use Groeing’s Life in Hell comic as a basis. Not wanting to give up ownership rights and fearful poor reception could tank sales, Groening decided to come up with something original. Using the classic idea of an American dysfunctional family, Groening sketched out five family members — a fat father, a mother with big hair, a son with a mean disposition, a daughter with a red dress, and a baby with a pacifier. Those characters were named after Groening’s parents (Homer and Marge), his younger sisters (Lisa and Maggie), and himself (Bart — an anagram of “brat”). He then gave them a family name: the Simpsons.

Shorts featuring the Simpsons debuted on The Tracey Ullman Show on April 19, 1987. They proved to be an instant success, considered more popular than the actual sketches on the show. By the time The Tracey Ullman Show was running out of steam (it ultimately ended in 1990), Fox had ordered a half-hour spinoff show, which was scheduled to debut in the fall of 1989. The first episode was supposed to be “Some Enchanted Evening,” but animation problems led to it being the 13th episode instead. “Bart the Genius” was now scheduled to be the first episode, but the overall delay caused the series premier to be pushed back to the winter. That decision led to another one: a third and ultimately final choice for the premier. With the debut now set for December and the second episode not airing until January, show staff decided to move its Christmas special, “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire” (originally slated to be the eighth episode) to the top spot, taking advantage of the holiday season. That’s how, on December 17, 1989, the world was introduced to The Simpsons.

What happened then does not need explanation. The Simpsons proved to be an instant hit, garnering global popularity. The show has some of the most iconic characters, quotes, moments, and episodes in the history of both TV and comedy. It also has a shit ton of awards, particularly Emmys. The writing (especially in the early seasons) is some of the most God-tier I’ve ever seen, period. Now in its 32nd season, The Simpsons is the longest-running sitcom and the longest-running scripted primetime TV series in American history. It led to a major media empire, spawning a (criminally underrated) film, several video games, and countless pieces of merchandise. While The Simpsons has (rightfully) gotten grief for a decline in overall quality going on for too long, its influence, both in the physical world and in comedy films/shows to come after it, is immense and undeniable. Today, 31 years since the start of an empire, let us all eat donuts and Krusty burgers, slack off at our jobs, and enjoy alcohol, which the show itself describes as the title of this newsletter.

May all of us scream “D’oh!” at least once this weekend.

(cue theme music)

QUARTER-FINAL RECAP

1. 49ERS DEF. 8. DIXIE NORMOUS

147.08 – 83.94

There’s an understanding in football that it’s tough to beat a team three times in one season (two divisional games and the playoffs). Apparently, 49ers didn’t get the memo. Not only did they defeat Dixie Normous for the third time in 2020, but they made it look easy. Gee wasn’t swayed by Nick’s pleas for mercy, adopting to go with persuasion and reason instead. In this case, let’s have persuasion be Tyreek Hill (23 points) and Derrick Henry (34 points) be reason. Gee also has some solid backup arguments in the form of the Rams defense (21 points), Allen Robinson (18 points), and J.K. Dobbins (13 points). Even his mediocre point behind center, Ryan Tannehill (16 points), was more beneficial behind Nick’s. In fact, the only counterpoints Nick could offer — Mike Gesicki (18 points) and the Cowboys defense (18 points) — paled in comparison to the words Gee threw out there. If Gee can keep making such solid, evidence-based points through the rest of the playoffs, he may just steamroll his way to the trophy. 

4. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM DEF. 5. SLEEPING GIANTS

107.00 – 104.92

Naturally, one of the best games of the season (more on this later) led to one of the craziest endings this league has seen, leaving one person feeling shitty afterwards. For the vast majority of the matchup, Sleeping Giants was well ahead of C’s New Champ Team. Pat Mahomes (22 points) overcame a rough start to make a good contribution. David Montgomery (21 points) continued his late season charge. Calvin Ridley (18 points) had his best game in months. But disappointing results from Wayne Gallman, Marvin Jones, and especially Diontae Johnson prevented Dad from taking a bigger lead over Chriss, who only found himself down 28 thanks to Chris Carson (15 points) and the Seahawks defense (12 points). Chriss’ only shot was a big game from Kareem Hunt (23 points), who delivered with a pair of TDs to draw Chriss within a point with a minute to go on Monday Night. Then on the final drive, Mark Andrews caught two passes to push Chriss ahead in front, completing the comeback and pissing Dad the fuck off. 

2. JOP SUEY!!! DEF. 7. FOOTBALLDAMUS

118.86 – 111.00

In what was almost the second incredible comeback birthed by the Monday Night craziness, Footballdamus came up just short in their rally against Jop Suey!!! The reason the deficit was too great to overcome was because Taylor’s roster (for the most part) showed up and delivered. Kyler Murray (18 points) didn’t have his best game, but Mike Davis (21 points), Davante Adams (17 points), and Alvin Kamara (16 points) provided enough support. In fact, eight of Taylor’s ten roster spots produced at least nine points. However, the reason why Riez even had a shot at catching Taylor was because Noah Fant was a late scratch and Robert Woods produced little more than Fant. Despite a great game from Aaron Rodgers (30 points) and superb efforts from Dalvin Cook (17 points) and DeAndre Hopkins (13 points), Riez was let down by an average day from Darren Waller, disappointments from the Steelers defense and Tyler Boyd, and almost nothing from Corey Davis. Gus Edwards (17 points) had an unexpectedly good day, but it just wasn’t enough.  

6. ORCHIDS OF ASIA DEF. 3. EKEING OUT THE WIN

113.24 – 89.06

By a single game, we avoided seeing first round chalk for a second straight year. To the shock of everyone (myself included), it was Orchids of Asia pulling off the lone upset, taking down one of the favorites to win it all in EKEing Out The Win. For the most part, everyone except Austin Ekeler (14 points), Keenan Allen (11 points) and T.J. Hockenson (10 points) failed to perform for Kyle. Kenyan Drake (15 points) may not have been a sleeper agent, but perhaps Deshaun Watson (16 points) was. Plus, Mike Evans, Chris Boswell, and the Panthers defense were huge disappointments. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson (23 points) finally returned to form, A.J. Brown (18 points) continued his own, and the Cardinals defense (18 points) proved to be a savvy free agent pickup (a shocker for my part). Incredibly, I was able to build a big enough lead to not need Eric Ebron or Chase Claypool to do well, which was good because they were shit. All told, the rubber match was a success. Kyle, I’m looking forward to our inevitable playoff matchup next year.

IN MEMORIAM

DIXIE NORMOUS (NICK)

While some might’ve predicted a mediocre season and first round exit for Dixie Normous when the season began, how they got there was anything but usual. Let’s just say Nick went… heavy on RBs in the draft, picking six of them with his first nine selections. Only two of those (James Conner and Todd Gurley) made it to Nick’s playoff roster. Shockingly, Nick lost his first three games, stoking fears of another wasted season. But then things began to unexpectedly come together, with Nick winning five in a row to push him all the way to the No. 4 spot. However, things couldn’t last, with Nick going on another three-game losing streak. During that time, Nick traded away a couple of assets (Keenan Allen and Ronald Jones) in order to beef up other positions and slow the slide. It worked for a little bit, with Nick doing enough to qualify for the postseason. But between a lack of offense and his opponent having literally all of the offense, it was apparent that Nick’s playoff journey would be short. Maybe a seventh RB would’ve helped.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (RIEZ)

Another year, another up-and-down season for Footballdamus. While Arik was stealing the headlines for having shitty luck, Riez was pretty much right there with him. Despite breaking triple digits in six of his first seven matchups (including topping 110 points in each of the first four weeks), Riez stood at 2-5 at the midseason mark. But Riez had a solid core, drafting and holding onto guys like Aaron Rodgers, DeAndre Hopkins, Dalvin Cook, Darren Waller, and the Steelers defense. As those guys continued to succeed, Riez knew he had a chance to fight his way back up the standings. But it was a shocking loss to Richard (the only time Richard won a game all year) that saw Riez take things seriously, making the lineup adjustments needed to win three of his last four matchups and slip into the postseason. Facing one of the top scoring teams in the league in the first round, most of Riez’s lineup didn’t show up. While Gus Edwards nearly pulled off a Monday Night miracle, it wasn’t enough to allow Riez to cause more chaos this year.

SLEEPING GIANTS (DAD)

Oh how Sleeping Giants laughed when they found out they had the first overall pick. It was the perfect restart after last year’s last place finish. But as Dad boasted on draft day, he forgot about the Dominguez curse when it comes to picking RBs with the No. 1 pick. Unfortunately for Christian McCaffrey, he was about to become the curse’s latest victim. Injuries limited McCaffrey to just three appearances all season, teasing Dad each time with 20+ point performances. All Dad had to rely on (besides his new soulmate in Pat Mahomes) was a motley roster of Kenny Golladay, Calvin Ridley, and Diontae Johnson (also holy shit did using his seventh pick on the 49ers defense come back to bite him in the ass). Still, Dad managed to get enough out of McCaffrey and Mahomes (and the supporting cast stepped up) to make the playoffs. He even seemed to have a semi-final spot in the bag. But then Kareem Hunt kicked those chances away for good, leaving Dad with only “what ifs” for what was ultimately another disappointing year.

EKEING OUT THE WIN (KYLE)

You know what’s fucked up? This is EKEing Out The Win’s worst performance since they entered the league. Kyle’s been with us for four years — he previously lost in the first round (as the No. 1 seed), won the title, and lost in the semi-finals. To say that Kyle has been one of the league’s most successful members is an understatement. This year was further proof, as Kyle spent the majority of the season fighting for the top seed, then the rest of it for the No. 2 seed. He lost both, but still. Despite having the second-to-last pick, Kyle scraped together another solid roster with Kenyan Drake, Deshaun Watson, and D.J. Moore, three of the guys who eliminated him last season. Complemented with the likes of Austin Ekeler, J.K. Dobbins, and T.J. Hockenson and beefed up with pickups/tradees like Keenan Allen, Will Fuller, Chase Edmonds, and James Robinson, it seemed Kyle’s lineup would be enough to contend for a title. Sure enough, it was… until it wasn’t. Two shitty weeks in a row spelled the end for Kyle’s promising campaign.

HOLY SHIT WHAT A GAME

Rarely to big, prime time NFL games actually live up to the hype. But in front of a national audience and with huge AFC playoff stakes on the line, the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns managed to exceed expectations, putting on a batshit crazy offensive showcase that was equally as dramatic as it was historic — those teams did things that haven’t happened in nearly 100 years. It also came nearly 25 years after an event that forever linked the two cities (more on that later). In the end, Cleveland’s comeback was thwarted by Baltimore, then the Browns appeared to have sent it to OT, only for the Ravens to win it with seconds to spare. The ensuing shenanigans on the final play even caused both a scorigami and an amazingly bad beat. It was the game of the year and everyone should be talking about both what happened on the field and what it means for the league going forward this season.

Instead, everyone’s talking about Lamar Jackson (maybe) taking a shit.

With his team up 34-20 in the 4th quarter, the Ravens QB suddenly went to the locker room. Jackson ended up being gone so long, Trace McSorely had to fill in on multiple drives. During that time, the Browns roared back to take the lead. On a 3rd and 2, McSorley suffered an injury that left him unable to continue and Willie Snead warming up his arm. But then like something out of WWE, Jackson ran back onto the field, throwing a 44-yard TD pass on 4th and 5 to retake the lead. Jackson would remain out there for the rest of the game.

During Jackson’s absence, after he returned, and ever since the game ended, there has been widespread speculation as to what happened that caused him to leave the game. Jackson and the team insist Jackson was cramping up and that he had to get an IV. But those of a more sceptical nature noticed some inconsistencies. First of all, while cramps can happen in the cold, they’re far more common in warmer weather, which is not what Cleveland has in December. Some have pointed to a bandage on Jackson’s arm that looked to be a “telltale IV sign.” But Jackson was clearly sporting that bandage throughout the game. Then there’s the most damning piece of evidence: the video of Jackson running to the locker room. First off, you don’t run anywhere while battling cramps — you walk slowly and painfully. Second, we all know that kind of walk. It’s certainly not because of cramps.

Thus, the great debate about No. 8 taking a No. 2: did Lamar Jackson leave the game to poop? Nature calls often during sports, including football. Shit happens, literally. Most famously, Paul Pierce admitted his famous wheelchair incident and return during Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals was not due to injury, but to him needing to take a shit. Jackson himself said he “didn’t pull a Paul Pierce” when he wiped away the Browns and even responded to memes by insisting he didn’t take a shit. But when your own teammates say they didn’t know you were cramping up and are even getting in on the meme action, something smells foul. What convinces me more than anything is the vast majority of current and former NFL players, who would surely come to Jackson’s defense if he was telling the truth, are saying that Jackson is full of shit and that he was full of shit during the game. Also, not only are we familiar with that “HOLD IT, HOLD IT” walk, but also that feeling of relief and rejuvenation after a satisfying dump. How else do you explain Jackson immediately throwing a TD pass as soon as he returns? It’s not just because he’s good and the Browns defense was playing like doodoo. I am going on the record with my belief that Jackson is lying. He may have taken an IV while he was in the locker room, but he definitely also took a crap while he was back there. There’s no other explanation for all the evidence. But Jackson and the Ravens won, so quite frankly they don’t give a shit.

Three more observations from this incident: 1. This exposed just how much of the English language revolves around idioms and euphemisms for poop; 2. The fact that this happened against a team called the Browns (as well as during a game featuring a lot of runs) makes this even more hilarious; 3. The real winner of this game is Odell Beckham Jr. Now, he won’t be the first person people think of when they talk about NFL players and shit.

Speaking of playing like crap…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Ladies and gentlemen, the Las Vegas Raiders’ season is officially on life support and could see the plug pulled as early as tonight.

Literally the only silver lining from the Raiders’ demolition at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts is that, for the second straight game, one team’s defensive coordinator was fired afterwards. This time, it was Las Vegas finally — FINALLY — giving Paul Guenther the axe. Who knows how Rod “Head Coach of the 0-16 Detroit Lions” Marinelli will fare as interim defensive coordinator for the rest of the season (especially with seemingly half the goddamn defense injured), but it can’t be worse than what happened on Sunday.

One drive — ONE — ended with an Indianapolis punt. Even that stalled out just beyond the 50 yard line, meaning every Colts drive reached Raiders territory (besides the end of game kneel downs, obviously). To Jonathan Taylor, the Silver and Black defenders offered little more resistance than the blades of grass beneath his feet. Taylor blitzed through the Raiders in the first half, opening up Indianapolis’ passing game. The connection between old man Philip Rivers and T.Y. Hilton was only reached five times, but two of them were for deep TDs. In the second half, Taylor was able to convert those yards into points, particularly that 62-yard burner. 150 yards, 7.5 yards per carry, two TDs.

Thus, the Raiders once again had to rely on their offense in order to stay competitive. For the most part, they were up to the task — the passing game, anyway. A clearly injured Josh Jacobs and the Raiders running game got clamped the fuck down by the Colts defense, which honestly was kind of expected. Derek Carr, Nelson Agholor, and Darren Waller did their part in the first half, with the play that ended up being the turning point of the game not even really being their fault. Kenny Moore straight up made one of the best INTs I’ve ever seen. I can’t even be mad — that was just amazing. The second INT came after the game was over, so I’m not even mad about that either. Honestly the offense would’ve had to play perfect in order to outpace an Indianapolis team that scored their most points in a single game since 2014.

The loss, coupled with the Baltimore Ravens’ win over the Cleveland Browns, leaves Las Vegas in a situation where they no longer control their destiny. In order to make the playoffs, the Raiders will need two of the following to happen: the Browns lose out, the Tennessee Titans lose out, the Ravens lose one of their remaining games, and to themselves win out. That last option includes a win over the Miami Dolphins. At this point, I barely trust the Raiders to beat the goddamn Los Angeles Chargers tonight, let alone the Dolphins. But here we are, in need of a win against our rivals — without Henry Ruggs — to stay alive.

Between the Raiders and my own fantasy projections, it’s probably gonna be depressing as hell to write next week’s newsletter.

STAT OF THE WEEK

The NFC East renaissance is alive and well! That future for the Philadelphia Eagles? It certainly looks like it’s full of potential, with Jalen Hurts showing up and leading the Eagles to a win against the (admittedly Drew Brees-less, but still) New Orleans Saints. No matter what happens during the rest of the season, that game cemented Hurts as the man in Philadelphia going into 2021. It also means we’ve likely seen the last of Carson Wentz with the Eagles. It’s kind of a shame. Wentz lost an MVP-caliber season to injury, saw another guy lead his team to a Super Bowl win, dealt with injuries galore to himself and the rest of the lineup, then regressed beyond anything people thought was possible this year. Due to his bloated contract and inconsistent play, I have no idea how the Eagles would get rid of him or who would be willing to take a chance on him. He’s like a worse, more expensive, less successful version of Cam Newton. But regardless of where he goes, it certainly won’t be behind center with the Eagles.

While Philadelphia is likely too far behind to win the division, the Washington Football Team certainly is it. On the same weekend another sports team joined them in getting rid of their controversial, definitely racist against indigenous people logo/name, Washington won its fourth straight game to take control of the division at 6-7. Despite not scoring an offensive TD, Washington managed to defeat the San Francisco 49ers, thanks in large part to their increasingly terrifying defense (I’m not worried about Russell Wilson this week. Nope. Not at all.). Given the work Ron Rivera has had to due to lead his injured, depleted team to playoff contention, all while battling cancer, he has to be in the Coach of the Year conversation with guys like Kevin Stefanski and Brian Flores. What’s more, not only are they getting healthier (Antonio Gibson should be back this week), but their remaining schedule is certainly not terrible. The Seattle Seahawks are beatable (just ask the New York Giants), while Washington might actually be favorites against the Eagles and Carolina Panthers. There’s a semi-realistic chance the winner of the NFC East, once presumed to finish 6-10 or worse, will have a winning record or at the very least finish 8-8.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 17, 1995, the Browns said goodbye to Cleveland. Going into the 1995 season, the Browns, led by head coach Bill Belichick and players like Vinny Testaverde, Earnest Byner, and Andre Rison, were looked at as a potential Super Bowl contender. The season before, Cleveland had gone 11-5 and won its first playoff game in five years, ironically against the New England Patriots. However, the Browns followed up a 3-1 start by losing three of their next four games, entering a Week 10 matchup with the Oilers at 4-4. Houston smacked Cleveland 37-10, leaving fans to worry about their playoff chances. 24 hours later, their worries would be taken to a whole new level. One day after the loss to the Oilers, Browns owner Art Modell announced he was moving the team to Baltimore, shocking everyone in Cleveland and the NFL. Modell, who had previously vowed to never move the Browns and publicly criticized the Baltimore Colts’ move to Indianapolis, had grown frustrated with Cleveland Stadium and been losing revenue ever since the Indians moved to Jacobs Field (nevermind he had declined to participate in the project that built Jacobs Field and Gund Arena). While the legal issues surrounding the move would be resolved later, the move sent a shockwave through Browns themselves, who only won one more game that season. That came in a Week 16 matchup against the Cincinnati Bengals, which was the team’s last game in Cleveland. Testaverde threw two TDs and Matt Stover kicked four FGs to lead the Browns to a 26-10 victory. But like the Steelers-Jets game from the last newsletter, the action continued after the whistle. Fans began to tear apart the stadium, ripping up bleacher seats and throwing them onto the field. However, the enduring image from that day 25 years ago was the Browns players rushing to the stands, hugging and embracing the fans who had spent the past 50 years cheering them on. For most of those players, the next time they would suit up would be as the first edition of the Baltimore Ravens. Cleveland would get a football team again, with the new Browns debuting in 1999 in a new stadium. But of course, fortunes haven’t been nearly as kind to the Browns (one playoff appearance in 21 years) as to the team that left Cleveland behind (two Super Bowl wins in that same time).

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2014 — The U.S. and Cuba re-establish diplomatic relations after severing them in 1961.
• 2003 — The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is released.
• 1991 — The Cleveland Cavaliers defeat the Miami Heat 148-80, setting the NBA record for most lopsided result (68 points).
• 1957 — The U.S. successfully launches the first Atlas intercontinental ballistic missile.
• 1944 — The Green Bay Packers defeat the New York Giants 14-7 to win the NFL championship.
• 1943 — All people of Chinese origin are again permitted to become U.S. citizens upon the repeal of the Act of 1882 and the introduction of the Magnuson Act.
• 1938 — Otto Hahn discovers the nuclear fission of the heavy element uranium, the scientific and technological basis of nuclear energy.
• 1933 — The Chicago Bears defeat the New York Giants 23-21 in the first ever NFL championship game.
• 1903 — The Wright brothers make the first controlled powered, heavier-than-air flight.
• 1892 — The first issue of Vogue is published.
• 1835 — The second Great Fire of New York destroys 50 acres of New York City’s Financial District.
• 1790 — The Aztec calendar stone is discovered.
• 1777 — France formally recognizes the U.S.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1987 — Chelsea Manning, former soldier, activist, and whistleblower.
• 1978 — Chase Utley, World Series champion and idol of Ronald McDonald.
• 1978 — Manny Pacquiao, boxing icon.
• 1975 — Mila Jovovich, model/actress best known for her science-fiction film roles.
• 1969 — Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell, former UFC Light Heavyweight champion and UFC HOFer.
• 1965 — Craig Berube, Stanley Cup-winning head coach with the St. Louis Blues.
• 1951 — Ken Hitchcock, Stanley Cup champion and the third-winningest head coach in NHL history.
• 1946 — Eugene Levy, actor/director best known for his roles in the American Pie film series, several Christopher Guest films, and Schitt’s Creek.
• 1936 — Pope Francis, the Pope.
• 1935 — Cal Ripken Sr., longtime MLB coach/scout who had a son who played shortstop.
• 1930 — Bob Guccione, photographer and founder of Penthouse.
• 1913 — Burt Baskin, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins.
• 1892 — Sam Berry, one of only three coaches to lead teams to both the Final Four and the College World Series.

DEATHS:

• 2011 — Kim Jong-il, North Korean leader.
• 2009 — Chris Henry, Cincinnati Bengals WR.
• 2008 — Sammy Baugh, HOF QB and icon from the old days of the NFL.
• 2003 — Otto Graham, HOF QB and icon from the old days of the NFL.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Maple Syrup Day! While I absolutely do not regret my trip to Canada two years ago, it did have an unfortunate side effect. While in Toronto, I tried Canadian maple syrup for the first time. It was so goddamn good that I brought like five bottles home with me. I have yet to taste maple syrup that delicious. I have to go back. Goddamn pandemic…

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MAN JAILED AFTER TAKING JET SKI ACROSS IRISH SEA TO SEE GIRLFRIEND

DOUGLAS, Isle of Man –A man who crossed the Irish Sea from Scotland to the Isle of Man “on a jet ski” to visit his girlfriend has been jailed for breaching Covid-19 laws.

Douglas Courthouse heard 28-year-old Dale McLaughlan took four-and-a-half hours to travel from the Isle of Whithorn to Ramsey on Friday.

McLaughlan, from North Ayrshire, made the crossing despite having never driven a water scooter before.

He admitted arriving unlawfully on the island and was jailed for four weeks.

Under the island’s current laws, only non-residents given special permission are allowed to enter the Isle of Man.

McLaughlan, of Warrix Avenue in Irvine, was previously given permission to work as a roofer on the island for four weeks in September and, after isolating for 14 days, met his girlfriend on a night out.

READ MORE

This is either the biggest dick romantic play that will make every woman his girlfriend tells the story to jealous and angry at their significant others or the most desperate simping by a dude looking for love I’ve ever seen, and I can’t make up my mind on which it is.

GOOD FOOTBALL NEWS

This may be the start of a new segment or simply the result of having too much to talk about in such a condensed medium, but there was a bunch of groundbreaking, heartwarming football-related news out there that I needed to make another section just to bring it all to you.

Let’s start with a check-in on our first college football history maker. Vanderbilt K Sarah Fuller, who earlier became the first woman to play in a Power 5 conference game, is now the first female to score in such a game. Fuller, who joined the Commodores due to injuries/COVID-19 situations on the rest of the roster, successfully converted two extra points during Vanderbilt’s 42-17 loss to Tennessee on Saturday, much to the joy of her teammates. Naturally, because there are a lot of misogynistic people in the world, some on social media tried to downplay Fuller’s accomplishment because it was just an extra point and that Vanderbilt used another K to convert a FG later in the game. Those people are cunts. But unfortunately, it seems Fuller’s historic foray into college football has come to an end. Due to not meeting roster size requirements, Vanderbilt’s season finale against Georgia has been canceled. Fuller then announced she was hanging up her cleats for good. Well, her football cleats anyway. Fuller, who will graduate with a degree in Medicine, Health, and Society in the coming months, will transfer to North Texas to continue her soccer career. But she did say she’d step up if the Mean Green came ringing.

That wasn’t the only football history made over the weekend. During Arizona State’s 70-7 utter decimation of rival Arizona (the margin of victory was greater than the over/under), eight different Sun Devils found the end zone (including Folsom High alum Daniyel Ngata). The last of those was Jackson He, who tallied the final points with a one-yard plunge. It may have been a short score, but it marked a massive moment in a long journey. He, who grew up in Shaoguan, China and had never touched a football before coming to America, was sent to the states at age 17 in order to get into a quality school. He discovered football at Lutheran High School near San Diego. He quickly learned the game and was offered a spot at the University of Jamestown in North Dakota. After returning to China for a bit to play club football, he was accepted to Arizona State and walked onto the football team, where he’s been a key locker room guy ever since. He’s apparently hilarious, having chosen the Americanized name Jackson (his real name is He Peizhang) because of a love for Michael Jackson and referring to his offensive line as “The Great Wall.” Now, he’s made history as the first Chinese-born player to score in an FBS game. Also, those characters on the back of his jersey are low key fire.

Finally, we head to the high school ranks for our last story. Because of dwindling roster numbers due to the state’s desire to ignore every health precaution and continue to act like everything’s normal during a pandemic, a lot of teams in Texas decided to switch from eleven-man to six-man football for the 2020 season. That included the Texas School for the Deaf, which as you may have guessed is composed of students and staff who cannot hear or are hard at hearing. Because there aren’t a lot of talented deaf athletes in the world, winning football games can be difficult. Hell, instead of the QB verbally calling out plays, the team uses a drum on the sidelines to sense vibrations and start a play. However, this year was different. The Rangers managed to make it to the postseason, then stormed through their bracket. On Friday, they capped their remarkable season with a 63-32 win in the state championship game, earning the school its first state title in its 164-year history. The players and staff say they hope to be an inspiration for deaf and other impaired athletes across the country. They already are.

Well if those stories don’t put a smile on your face, maybe me being nerdy for a minute will.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MOST ANTICIPATED STAR WARS MEDIA

Late last week, Disney announced a lot of shit. Like… A LOT of shit. That includes two new Pixar films, Chip ‘N Dale: Rescue Rangers and Pinocchio reboots, shows based on Big Hero 6, The Princess and the Frog, Zootopia, and Moana, new looks at several upcoming Marvel movies and shows, and an Alien show on FX I hopes dies in a fire. But what caught my eye were several announcements made about Star Wars. No fewer than ten new projects were revealed, ranging from TV shows to movies to web-related items. Think back to the 1990’s, when there was literally no other official Star Wars content other than the Original Trilogy, a shitty holiday special, and some toys, with all of the extra stories and expanded universe technically being non-canon. Hell, even before the Sequel Trilogy there was nothing else apart from the shitty Prequel Trilogy, a cartoon that just focused on the Clone Wars, and some video games that just retold the old story. The sheer amount of new stuff that was unveiled is fucking mind blowing.

While I will never complain about too much Star Wars content, the volume of announcements means that some likely slipped through the cracks. By some, I mean all, at least for everyone who’s not a gigantic fucking nerd. As a gigantic fucking nerd, I’ve been wanting to talk about everything we found out. So what better way to do both than by examining the ten biggest Star Wars projects, ranked based on their potential and how excited I am for them. Now, these aren’t coming right away — the debut range for everything here is from 2021-23. But that doesn’t mean the hype has to wait. If you have any questions or if I made you confused based on my joy, just google the terms and topics I’m talking about. Granted, this may take you down a rabbit hole on Wookieepedia. Yes, the fan-run Star Wars version of Wikipedia is actually called Wookieepedia.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE MANDALORIAN SEASON 3

Lost among the barrage of news from a galaxy far, far away was the fact that The Mandalorian officially was given a third season. We knew this was coming — the show is doing incredibly well and Disney likes money. The one bard part — Season 3 won’t premier until a year from now. Maybe if the pandemic’s over I can be distracted enough to kill time until the third season.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE UNTITLED FILM

By default, the “untitled feature film” can’t make the list. But that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a ton of talk about it. Literally the only detail we know is that it’ll be directed by Taika Waititi. The dude is a pretty incredible director, whose works include the hilarious What We Do in the Shadows, the colorful and memorable Thor: Ragnarok, and the Oscar-nominated Jojo Rabbit.   

10. A DROID STORY

All that’s known about A Droid Story is that a new hero tags along with C-3PO and R2-D2 on a brand new adventure. I highly doubt anyone would remember this, but that’s also the plot of a mid-1980’s animated show (Star Wars: Droids), which was to put it briefly not good. But even if there wasn’t that dubious legacy, the subject matter wouldn’t be something I’d be particularly excited about. C-3PO and R2-D2 are popular characters, but they’re best in spurts, not as main characters. There’s no way this can be as bad as the old show, but that doesn’t mean I’ll watch. 

9. LANDO

Like other shows on this list, there’s not much we know about Lando. But one major unknown will decide how successful this show will be — who plays the lead, Lando Calrissian. If it’s Billy Dee Williams, who first portrayed Lando in the Original Trilogy (and in The Rise of Skywalker), I don’t have high hopes — he’s too goddamn old. If it’s Donald Glover, who donned the cape(s) in Solo: A Star Wars Story, this could potentially be great. If it’s someone else, all bets are off. But of all the unknowns, this is the biggest, meaning it gets ranked low until we get some answers.   

8. RANGERS OF THE NEW REPUBLIC

While there may not be much we know about the specific plot details right now, we do know what the eventual conclusion Rangers of the New Republic will lead to: a crossover event with The Mandalorian and another show on this list. That means it’ll be essential viewing for fans of the current show. We can guess that the show will center on some kind of peacekeeping efforts in the years following the Original Trilogy. All articles I’ve seen mention Cara Dune. I want that to be true if only to see more of Gina Carano on TV, and in general. Such a smokeshow…  

7. THE BAD BATCH

Perhaps the first spin-off of an animated Star Wars TV series, The Bad Batch draws inspiration from a late arc from the revival season of Clone Wars (which is a criminally underrated show in its own right (as evidenced by its eventual revival thanks to fans). It focuses on Clone Force 99 — a ragtag group of clone commandos, each genetically modified to focus on one particular brand of war (one has marksman eyesight, another great physical strength, another incredible tracking senses). This is giving me vibes of a sci-fi, slightly dark The A-Team and I’m all in favor.  

6. AHSOKA

For those who haven’t seen Clone Wars (or Season 2 of The Mandalorian), Ahsoka Tano was one of the most beloved non-canonical Star Wars characters of all time, until she became canon. The former padawan of Anakin Skywalker who survived Order 66 and a subsequent battle with Darth Vader, Tano made an unexpected return a few weeks ago during The Mandalorian. Now, it appears Ahsoka will chronicle her current situation (if not the past), leading up to a crossover with those shows and Rangers of the New Republic. Plus, Rosario Dawson. Enough said.

5. VISIONS

Three words: Star Wars anime. My collective geekdom is utterly beside itself. Visions is a unique project, not one big story but a collection of ten smaller ones, short films put together by some of Japan’s top anime creators. I have no idea what setting, time period, characters, or tech will be involved with each of these stories, or if they’ll focus on Star Wars as a larger concept and integrate the real world. But either way I’m excited to see something — anything — from the galaxy far, far away translated into anime form. There’s enormous potential to be reached here.

4. THE ACOLYTE

While pretty much everything Star Wars has been from the point of view of the Jedi/good guys, The Acolyte promises to be the exact opposite. Set before any of the films in the High Republic era (the Republic and the Jedi at their primes), the show will be a mystery/thriller that focuses on the emerging dark side powers. A show centered around the Sith would be so fucking cool. Who knows what kind of characters we could introduce — maybe even Darth Plagueis the Wise… or even his apprentice who inspired the tragedy. This could be The Mandalorian of the Prequels.  

3. ANDOR

Rogue One is in my opinion the best Star Wars movie ever made. Anything that dives deeper into the characters of that film is more than welcome. Thus, we have Andor, which focuses on the mysterious rebel spy Cassian Andor, played by Diego Luna. His tragic/eventful backstory was heavily alluded to in the movie, so it’ll be cool to see what unfolds. It doesn’t hurt that Andor is one of the few Hispanic characters in all of Star Wars. Plus, Alan Tudyk is returning as Andor’s partner, K-2SO, by far my favorite droid and maybe my favorite Star Wars character altogether.  

2. ROGUE SQUADRON

When I found out a real life Rogue Squadron movie was in the works, my inner child squealed louder than Dad did when he saw Joe Montana in person. I spent countless hours playing Rogue Squadron for the Nintendo 64 during my childhood/teen years/adulthood. To see that being brought to the big screen is incredible. Imagine your classic war dogfighting movie, filled with shootouts, dramatic aerial sequences, and the best parts of Top Gun. Now imagine instead of planes and bullets, using X-wings and lasers. If that’s not amazing I don’t know what is.

1. OBI-WAN KENOBI

More Obi-Wan Kenobi is always a good thing, especially Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan. A show about Kenobi’s life between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope? Give me all of it. Obi-Wan Kenobi was already the most anticipated piece of Star Wars media before last week. Then, they dropped the bombshell: Hayden Christensen will be returning as Darth Vader. Adding Darth Vader to anything is an improvement, but Christensen’s Vader? That is the dream of Prequel memers. The Christensen redemption is coming in 2022 — and I’m counting down the seconds.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

Riez: $0

SEMI-FINAL PREVIEW

In the decade we’ve been a part of this league, I can’t recall a semi-final pairing featuring projected point totals this far apart. As of this writing, Jop Suey!!! is predicted to defeat Orchids of Asia by 17 points, while 49ers are expected to kick C’s New Champ Team’s ass by 19 points. Sure, this was nothing we didn’t expect — Gee and Taylor finished as the clear-cut highest scoring teams, with Chriss and I ending up in the middle of the pack. Thus, it shouldn’t be a shocker to see Gee and Taylor as the heavy favorites to play for the championship. Indeed, it would be an overall deserving finish to a season to have the Top 2 teams meet for the title. But this is fantasy football, where anything can happen. Not once in the history of our league has the Epic Bowl been between the two top seeds. In fact, the No. 3 seed has historically been the most successful, winning in the past three years. So what am I alluding to? What are the chances this is the year parity ends and the two best teams play for it all? 100 fucking percent.

1. 49ERS VS. 4. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM

When looking at 49ers’ roster, all you see is an embarrassment of riches. Josh Allen, Tyreek Hill, Allen Robinson, Derrick Henry… all going off right now and looking likely to continue to go off this weekend. Even some of the more inconsistent options — Cam Akers, J.K. Dobbins, the Rams defense — are all facing opponents ripe for the ass kicking. Gee seems to be a TE away (I still don’t trust Evan Engram) from having a perfect team. So how can C’s Champion Team possibly counter that offense? For starters, Jared Goff, like Akers and their team’s defense, gets to feast on the hapless Jets. Justin Jefferson and Chris Godwin have shown potential to be explosive. Kareem Hunt is facing a Giants defense that could be exploited by Daniel Jones fuckups, while Ezekiel Elliott is due for a big day against the real life 49ers. Mark Andrews can always score in bunches and both Chris Carson and the Seahawks defense could play up to their potential. For Chriss to pull off the upset, pretty much all of those things need to happen.

2. JOP SUEY!!! VS. 6. ORCHIDS OF ASIA

Jop Suey’s roster is also full of monsters. Kyler Murray is a threat with his arm and legs. Davante Adams is one of the most lethal WRs in the NFL. Robert Woods is also facing the terrible Jets. Alvin Kamara and Mike Davis may be facing tough opponents, but seemingly always manage to find the end zone. Melvin Gordon is a great option in the FLEX, while Darius Leonard and the Colts defense should tear the Texans apart. Taylor looks primed to throw the hammer down. For Orchids of Asia to pull a Captain America and unexpectedly pick it up (and do cool shield and lightning combos with it), a lot has to go right. Russell Wilson can’t go back into his shell against theWashington defense. Both D’Andre Swift and Nyheim Hines have to play good games. A.J. Brown has to keep it up. The Browns defense has to not fuck up against the Giants. T.Y. Hilton has to be another waiver wire steal. Eric Ebron has to do something. But any playoff success for me will be thanks to others fucking up, not me doing well. I don’t see that happening here.

ONE LAST THING

With the extra playoff team per conference this year comes two extra Wild Card playoff games, which also means two extra playoff games to air on TV. Back in the Spring, NBC and CBS won the bidding war to broadcast those games (one each). While it’s unclear if NBC will do anything special for its extra broadcast, they can’t possibly come up with something as desperate and dumb as what CBS is doing.

In addition to its usual broadcast on the main channel and online stream, CBS will produce an alternative broadcast that will air in Nickelodeon (your reminder that Nickelodeon is owned by CBS’ parent company). This version will be tailored towards a younger audience. None of this is new — we first heard these details nearly nine months ago. But what we’re learning now is just how they’re going to modify the broadcast for kids. Let’s just say it’ll look… different.

According to a press release by ViacomCBS, the game will be called by Noah Eagle, who at 23 years old is the radio voice of the Los Angeles Clippers (another reminder we haven’t done anything with our lives). Joining Eagle in the booth will be analyst/former WR Nate Burleson and Gabrielle Nevaeh Green, a 15-year-old actress best known for her work on the Nickelodeon shows All That (the reboot) and Unfiltered. Fellow All That/Unfiltered star and 14-year-old Lex Lumpkin will serve as a sideline reporter. The crew will also take part in pregame coverage, also known as “The SpongeBob SportsPants Countdown Special,” a sports-themed compilation special hosted by Von Miller featuring an appearance by Jim Nantz and Tony Romo. If that doesn’t whet your appetite, then get ready for what’ll happen during the game.

During the broadcast, there will be some graphical additions to try to make the game more entertaining to kids. The end zone will be full of slime whenever a player scores a TD. Replays will include snapchat-esque filters, such as googly eyes on players and Spongebob Squarepants imposed between the uprights. There will be animated highlights from previous games. Various animations and sound effects will take place throughout the game (no word on if Fred the Fish’s iconic “MY LEG!” scream will play during an injury). A trial run took place during the Packers-Eagles game two weeks ago (I was wondering why that game was on CBS). This week, CBS Sports released a montage of clips from that game, with Nickelodeon “flair.”

To best summarize my thoughts on CBS’ plan, it’s one of the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever heard of. It’s the “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme personified in a broadcasting campaign. While I’m about 20 years too late to be in CBS’ target demographic, I highly doubt adding googly eyes and slime to games would’ve gotten me to like football earlier than I did. I’d probably just wonder what the fuck was going on some time. It actually seems insulting to kids, like they can only be bribed with shiny, slimy, Tiktok bullshit to pay attention to anything (to be fair they kind of have a point). It’s the same logic that selling pink, bedazzled jerseys and partnering with the Susan G. Komen Foundation/corrupt organization will better endear the NFL to women, or dressing everything and everyone in camo makes them a proud military supporter, or putting maracas or sombreros on something will make Hispanic people like it (swear to god there used to be a sign at Kaiser South Sacramento that read something like “Spanish Patients” and had a pair of chilis on it). Above all, this reeks of desperation, an out-of-touch team of executives throwing everything that radiates the word “kids” and “youth” out there and hoping something works. 

Do you know when doing something like this would actually make sense? The Pro Bowl. Ratings and attention towards the Pro Bowl have been tanking in recent years. The players don’t give a shit and that makes the game uninteresting. In my opinion, the Pro Bowl needs to be completely revamped. Instead of only having a game where everyone looks like they’re just going through the motions, throw in a shit ton of side contests. The team competitions that lead to dodgeball are a start, but bring back shit like the Fastest Man or Deep Ball competitions. Throw shit in like a lineman sprinting contest or a defensive player throwing battle or have anyone but Ks attempt field goals. Make it fun. Then, get kids involved. Players will be a hell of a lot more willing to interact with the public and do fun shit with children ahead of a game that doesn’t count. Have players appear on Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network or Disney Channel. Bring some popular cartoon characters to the Pro Bowl. Get them invested, then tell them to tune in in a week for the Super Bowl. Don’t go full kid-heavy marketing by compromising a fucking playoff game. Do it for the Pro Bowl. Also, move it back to Hawaii. That was half of the appeal anyway.

One more thing. During halftime, there will be a sneak peek of the first ever SpongeBob SquarePants spinoff show, Kamp Koral: SpongeBob’s Under Years. It’ll follow 10-year-old SpongeBob and his friends [kid versions of every other major character from the show] during summer camp at Lake Yuckymuck. Just a few things I want to note — first off, it’ll be CGI instead of 2D. I’m not saying it looks bad, just unusual. Second, with younger versions of all major characters taking part, there are some logistical issues. One of those characters is Sandy Cheeks, who SpongeBob and Patrick Star supposedly met during the first episode of the show, when they’re all adults. How does that work if they’re now meeting at age 10? Are we really retconning something from Episode 1? Spongebob had also apparently never heard of Plankton until he began working at the Krusty Krab. But Plankton appears to work as a cook at Kamp Koral in the prequel. Then there’s Mr. Krabs, who appears to be some staff member with the camp, which makes sense given his age difference with the rest of the cast. But Pearl Krabs is also listed among the cast. Given that she’s a teen in the main show, shouldn’t she not exist during the prequel? Or is Mr. Krabs raising baby Pearl as a single father during that time? By the way, Mr. Krabs fell in love with Mrs. Puff at first sight during the show. But she’s also supposedly working at the camp. Are she and Mr. Krabs not going to be in the same room or something? Speaking of love, Karen Plankton is also apparently in this new show. Is she gonna be a project Plankton works on throughout the show/marries? She’s also connected to his lab at the Chum Bucket. Is there gonna be some Kamp Koral lab or something. Don’t think just because Spongebob is now old enough to legally drink that we’ve all forgotten some of the show’s essential knowledge. Us diehard fans of the show can see the inconsistencies popping up left and right! Nickelodeon has some questions to answer.

Or maybe the fact that I’ve spent my second-longest paragraph talking about an upcoming kids show featuring talking marine life means it’s time to end the newsletter.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Defending Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness