Ruben's Writings

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Yes, I know it’s still only Christmas Eve, but the next time I write to you we’ll be counting down the hours until the end of this godforsaken year. So let’s celebrate the holiday season that feels like none that have come before. The pandemic has certainly taken some of the usual cheer out of December, as it has done the past several months. But at the end of the day we’re all still here, with our health and ability to talk shit about fantasy football. Well, at least two of us have that right anyway.

(cue theme music

SEMI-FINAL RECAP

1. 49ERS DEF. 5. C’S CHAMPION TEAM

129.96 – 98.56

Another week, another dominating offensive performance for 49ers. If only the real life 49ers could do so this year, then Gee would be having a spectacular year. Unlike San Francisco, Gee’s guys have made it back to the championship game, thanks to something the actual 49ers needed in Super Bowl LIV: stellar QB play. Gee’s offense was not led by Tyreek Hill (who had an average night) or Derrick Henry (23 points), but by Josh Allen (37 points), who I definitely didn’t say was a terrible pick after the draft. I totally praised Gee for taking him. Don’t look at previous newsletters, just trust me. It’s Allen’s surge into an MVP-caliber QB that’s given Gee yet one more point-scoring juggernaut. C’s Champion Team team could’ve fielded 2019 Lamar Jackson and still been blown out. In fact, Chriss’ guys were one unexpectedly amazing game from Devin White (25 points) away from being totally and utterly annihilated. In the end, it’s not Chriss’ fault. Gee’s roster is just that much better than every other in the league — except for maybe one.  

2. JOP SUEY!!! DEF. 6. ORCHIDS OF ASIA

140.74 – 89.94

That roster belongs to Jop Suey!!!, who managed to hold onto its end of the bargain to set up the Epic Bowl showdown we’ve been waiting for. What Taylor also did, to the joy of literally everyone else in the league, was end the reign of Orchids of Asia. What a perfect time for no one in my lineup to show up, except for D’Andre Swift (18 points) and Brandon Aiyuk (13 points). Russell Wilson put up his second-lowest point total of the season. T.Y. Hilton and Nyheim Hines did jack shit. Eric Ebron got injured. But even if they all had played well, I probably wouldn’t have even sniffed a win. Kyler Murray (34 points) did what Wilson should’ve done. Robert Woods and Alvin Kamara each provided 15 points. Leonard Fournette (18 points) proved to be a superb waiver wire pick up. Put it this way, Davante Adams and Mike Davis combined for just ten points. Taylor still friggin put up 140 points on me. Taylor completely validated his scoring title, cementing what should be a wild fight to crown a new champion. 

IN MEMORIAM

ORCHIDS OF ASIA (RUBEN)

Huh… so this is how it feels to write your own eulogy? To be honest, I had a feeling there would be no repeat this year after the draft. Given Alvin Kamara’s contract uncertainty at the time, I went with what I thought was the safest WR in Michael Thomas, which set off a chain of events that led to me spending my third pick on Mark Ingram. Before the playoffs began, two of my Top 3 picks were no longer with Orchids of Asia (the Thomas trade netted me absolutely nothing) and the third was the injured Georgia Kittle. Given that Kamara’s contract issues were resolved just days after the draft, I knew I had fucked up early. Still, Russell Wilson proved to be an elite QB… until he trademarked “Let Russ cook” and fell off a fucking cliff. D’Andre Swift, Robby Anderson, and Brandon Aiyuk were all solid, productive picks… that often dealt with injuries or COVID-19. In the end, it’s kind of amazing that I not only made the playoffs, but reached a third straight semi-final round. But where my drafting was my key to a title last year, it was my doom in 2020.  

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (CHRISS)

Let this be a reminder of what happens when Chriss actually tries (hence the new name “C’s New Champ Team”). Last year’s Richard (giving up early in the year after not being able to fix his lineup due to technology issues), Chriss made sure he didn’t fuck up during the draft… at least in terms of logging in. Most of Chriss’ early picks — Ezekiel Elliott, Chris Carson, Chris Godwin, T.Y. Hilton, Drew Brees — battled everything from injuries to below expected play to a migration of new players to their position to an extremely slow start. But Chriss went full GM mode and managed to assemble a decent roster every week. It wasn’t always the prettiest job, but it was a job done nonetheless most of the time. Behind the top contenders yet above the rest of the pack, Chriss was the comfortable No. 4 seed. He even got a rare semi-final berth due to an incredible comeback courtesy of Kareem Hunt and Mark Andrews. But even though he came up short, Chriss can be happy with a much, much better performance this season than last year.  

DO NOT GO WINLESS INTO THAT COLD NIGHT

I’ll be honest, I thought the Jets were doomed to go 0-16. I thought New York’s once chance at victory had come and gone with Henry Ruggs’ last-second TD. Especially after their beatdown at the hands of the Seattle Seahawks, I considered the Jets dead men walking. But then I forgot about the one NFL team more inconsistent than either the Raiders or Seahawks: the Rams.

Fresh off their domination of the New England Patriots, Los Angeles came home and proceeded to shit on the floor against the only winless team in the league. At one point, the Rams were down by 17 points. Despite an attempt at a comeback, Los Angeles couldn’t get back in front and New York avoided joining the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 2008 Detroit Lions, and 2017 Cleveland Browns as the only winless teams in NFL history. 

Let’s start with the team unexpectedly in the loss column. If anyone could be expected to lose to a desperate winless team, it’s a team with a slightly less shitty record, not a division-leading team battling for the top seed in their conference. This year, the Rams have beaten the Seahawks, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Arizona Cardinals and nearly beat the Buffalo Bills. They have also lost to the injured to hell and back San Francisco 49ers twice and now the Jets. For the remainder of the Sean McVay era, no one will take the Rams seriously. Suddenly, both the Rams’ final games (against the Seahawks and Cardinals) are must-wins in terms of the NFC West and playoff standings as a whole. 

Then there are the people even more pissed off about this result than Rams fans: Jets fans. You’d think a team would be happy to avoid the forever stench of going winless. But there was much more at stake, thanks to the Jacksonville Jaguars. While the Jets had gotten all the headlines for shittiness, the Jaguars have been right behind them, having lost every game after Week 1. Due to strength of schedule, Jacksonville now owns the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s draft, which will undisputedly be Trevor Lawrence. Usually, even a one-win team would easily clinch the top overall pick. Few times in history have there been multiple one-win teams. It just so happens the shittiest Jets season in memory is one of those. Still, I’m happy for the 53 men in that locker room who don’t have to be attached to 0-16 for the rest of their lives.

Also, at least the Rams didn’t lose a game they had to win to a divisional rival at home in heartbreaking and infuriating fashion…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I described being a Raiders fan as an existential experience? Yeah… I wasn’t exaggerating. The worst part was that my work was impacted by this game — I had to wait for this bullshit to end before my show could begin. My coworkers heard me swear even more than usual and make noises they’ve never heard come out of my mouth.

So… where the fuck do I begin with this one?

Let’s start with what may be the biggest story going forward: the health of Derek Carr. Scrambling early in the game, Carr tweaked something in his groin and left the game. I think I said “fuck” about 12 times in a row when the injury happened. This makes it twice I’ve seen Carr suffer a major injury at work, following the infamous broken leg in 2016. While Carr’s future is now in doubt, I’ll save the more in-depth QB future discussions for next week. But it was at that point when I knew Las Vegas was going to lose that game. However, I thought it would be because there would be no way the offense could keep up without Carr. I was wrong.

Literally the only positive thing to take from that game was the play of Marcus Mariota. All through training camp and practices, we’ve heard nothing but stories of regression and playing nearly as bad as Nathan Peterman. But goddamn Mariota can still sling the ball, as evidenced by that dime to Darren Waller. 226 yards and a TD in tha air, along with 88 yards and a TD on the ground, are way better than anyone could’ve expected for someone making their season debut in Week 15. Yes, there was… that pass that ruined a potential game-sealing drive by being picked off. But even for his mistakes I refuse to fault Mariota at all. In the end, it doesn’t matter how many yards Carr or Mariota throws for or how much of a baller Waller is or how well (or in this case how poorly) Josh Jacobs runs over people. No offense can consistently play well enough to bail out this fucking dumpster fire of a defense.

Yes, Las Vegas was playing on short rest and had several defensive starters out with injuries. No, I don’t care. This might be the worst Raiders defense I’ve ever seen, which is insane considering the free agents signed in the offseason. Of particular concern is the secondary, which may as well be filled with turnstiles covered in yellow flag magnets at this point. Instead of counting sheep, I can fall asleep by counting the amount of 3rd and longs the Raiders give up each game. While there were some bullshit penalties against the defense (and one fucking awful no-call on the play where the Chargers did a drive-by shooting on Hunter Renfrow), commiting fouls was seemingly the only way Las Vegas could get a stop. Literally the only way Los Angeles didn’t win this in regulation was because Michael Badgley did his best Dan Bailey impression.

(Side note: what the everloving fuck was that sequence to end the game. A 4th down sneak that leaves just a few seconds on the clock? Not attempting to pick up a few yards with a quick sideline pass? Not going for a Hail Mary and instead sending Daniel Carlson out to attempt what would be the longest FG in NFL history? Having that attempt not even come to pass by A.J. Cole dropping the goddamn snap? Let’s just say, as a Raiders fan with Carlson on his fantasy team, I was in a glass case of emotion in the 4th quarter.)

So given the defensive struggles and the need for the Raiders to win the game, why in the fuck did Jon Gruden do what he did in OT? Apart from every 1st down being a Jacobs run, Gruden has shown creativity when it comes to play calling. But as soon as Las Vegas gets inside the ten-yard line, all that imagination simply evaporates. Gruden refuses to call anything other than inside runs to Jacobs, fades to Waller or Nelson Agholor, or ill-advised plays to Alec Ingold. A 1st and Goal from the four-yard line ends in a FG attempt from five yards out. That is fucking pathetic. While I was happy to get three more points from Carlson, I was frustrated in Gruden’s lack of balls. I also knew the Chargers would at least kick a FG to tie it up. Five plays and 75 yards later, Los Angeles decided to win the game instead.

I have rarely been as frustrated and disappointed in a sports team as I am now in the Raiders. I’ll go into more details about this next week, but once is an outlier; twice is the beginning of a pattern. Two straight years of collapses after promising starts is extremely worrying. Since demolishing the Denver Broncos 37-12 in Week 10 to go to 6-3, the Raiders have gone 1-4, giving up at least 28 points each game and going a Hail Mary against a winless team away from having that mark be 0-5. This is why I can never get my hopes up as a Raiders fan. As soon as I do, they shit the bed. Regardless of Carr’s injury, this was a game Las Vegas had to win and could’ve won at several points. Instead, the wheel keeps spinning and the season is all but over.

At least we get to see the Hawaii Bowl between Mariota and Tua Tagovailoa this weekend.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Pain. That is all that Falcons fans know, all that encompases life as an Atlanta sports fan. This is also the team that fucking demolished the Las Vegas Raiders a few weeks ago. Yet, I would much rather remain a Raiders fan than ever cheer for the Falcons.

On another note, I would like to retract a previous statement, when I said Atlanta’s new uniforms were trash. There is one exception: the combo the Falcons wore on Sunday. Black helmets, jerseys, and socks, with white pants. That looks so goddamn good, much better than the all-black/red gradient look. At least the Falcons had a win in that category…

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 24, 1994, the NFL said goodbye to Los Angeles for 22 years. Yep, another week, another anniversary of the last game played in a certain city by a certain team. In this case, we get a two-fer. Going into the 1994 season, the Los Angeles Rams were dwindling — both on and off the field. Despite having future stars like Jerome Bettis and Isaac Bruce and NFL record-holder Flipper Anderson, the Rams could not get crowds to come to Anaheim Stadium. It didn’t help that ownership was openly threatening to relocate, negotiating with both Baltimore and St. Louis. The ongoing controversy and lack of fan support caused the season to spiral. The Rams were 4-11 heading into their season finale against the Washington Redskins on Christmas Eve. In a wild game that featured a pick six, punt return TD, and 31 2nd quarter points, the 3-12 Redskins pulled out the 24-21, pulling the plug on the Rams’ time in SoCal. Before the 1995 season, the Rams moved to St. Louis, where they would stay for more than two decades. But something weirder and with greater stakes was happening just down the road that Christmas Eve. The 9-6 Los Angeles Raiders were hosting the 8-7 Kansas City Chiefs with a playoff spot on the line. In front of a shocked crowd at the LA Memorial Coliseum, the Raiders offense was held in check by the Chiefs, who — in Joe Montana’s final regular season game, came out on top 19-9, clinching the final AFC Wild Card spot. Despite the loss, no one thought that would be the Raiders’ last game in SoCal. In the offseason, the NFL announced its support for a plan to build a $200M stadium in Inglewood for both the Raiders and UCLA football. But Al Davis balked over a stipulation that a second NFL team would call that stadium home in a few years. One month later, Davis signed a letter of intent to move the Raiders back to Oakland, a city the team had abandoned for Los Angeles 13 years earlier. Just like that, the City of Angeles was the city who went from two football teams to none in a matter of months. Of course, the Rams would return in 2016 and are now playing at SoFi Stadium, which was built on that same Inglewood land. The Raiders, meanwhile, are now in Las Vegas and still finding incredible ways to lose to division rivals and ruin their playoff chances.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 1973 — District of Columbia Home Rule Act is passed, allowing residents of Washington, D.C. to elect their own local government.
• 1968 — The crew of Apollo 8 enters into orbit around the Moon, becoming the first humans to do so.
• 1961 — The Houston Oilers defeat the San Diego Chargers 10-3 to win the AFL Championship.
• 1950 — The Cleveland Browns defeat the Los Angeles Rams 30-28 to win the NFL Championship.
• 1943 — General Dwight D. Eisenhower is named Supreme Allied Commander for the Invasion of Normandy.
• 1906 — Reginald Fessenden transmits the first radio broadcast, consisting of a poetry reading, a violin solo, and a speech.
• 1851 — The Library of Congress burns.
• 1818 — The first performance of “Silent Night” takes place in the church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.
• 1814 — Representatives of the U.K. and the U.S. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1990 — Marcus Jordan, former basketball player who has a father named Michael.
• 1974 — Ryan Seacrest, TV and radio personality best known as host of American Idol and Live with Kelly and Ryan.
• 1973 — Stephenie Meyer, author best known for unleashing the plague of the Twilight series upon the world.
• 1971 — Ricky Martin, iconic Latin pop star.
• 1962 — Kate Spade, iconic fashion designer.
• 1946 — Jeff Sessions, former U.S. Attorney General and senator.
• 1945 — Steve Smith, actor best known as the co-creator and star of The Red Green Show.
• 1945 — Ian Fraser Kilmister, musician best known as Lemmy, the lead singer of Motorhead.
• 1940 — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and the face of the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic.
• 1905 — Howard Hughes, businessman, pilot, film director, and person with an all around “holy shit” life that was the subject of The Aviator.
• 1809 — Kit Carson, frontiersman and Army officer who had some shitty school in East Sacramento named after him.

DEATHS:

• 1967 — Burt Baskin, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins.
• 1914 — John Muir, iconic naturalist, author, philosopher, and “Father of the National Parks.”
• 1873 — Johns Hopkins, entrepreneur and philanthropist and the namesake of the world famous hospital and university.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Eggnog Day! I’ve had blue-colored beer in Japan and taken a shot with Italian and South Korean guys in England, but have never taken one sip of eggnog. It’s not that I’m opposed to the beverage or anything. I actually think I’d like it. I’ve just never gotten around to trying it. Maybe when this is all over next winter I’ll give it a shot at a sweater party or something.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

MCDONALD’S SERVING SPAM BURGER WITH OREO CRUMBS IN CHINA

BEIJING, China –Just when we thought we couldn’t possibly be shocked by yet another bizarre fast food chain restaurant offering — remember Domino’s bubble tea pizza? — McDonald’s China has proved us wrong.

For one day only this week, diners were invited to gobble up Spam and Oreo burgers.

The latest food mashup offered by the chain featured two extra-thick slices of Spam — canned, cooked pork made by Hormel Foods Corporation — topped with Oreo crumbs and the brand’s classic burger sauce.

The announcement on McDonald’s China’s website described the taste of the Oreo and Spam burger as “tender and juicy,” “full of meatiness” and with “a hint of sweet aftertaste” that amounts to “an unimaginable double surprise.”

“Luncheon meat is a trending food among youngsters nowadays,” Abbie Xie, communications manager of McDonald’s in China, told CNN Travel. “It has a very strong meaty and satisfying texture.

“The flavorful and crispy Oreo, on the other hand, is a snack youngsters are familiar with. By creatively combining the two foods, it doesn’t only showcase the collision of tastes and textures, it is also quite topical socially.”

READ MORE

I’ve seen a lot of weird food stories during my seven-and-a-half years at FOX40. This might take the cake as the most disgusting one. This might be the only way I would refuse Oreos.

AS GOOD AS GREENE

Out of nowhere, the NFL lost one of its best defenders. Kevin Greene, HOF LB, passed away Monday at age 58. 

You probably wouldn’t recall Greene when thinking of football’s best ever defensive players, even though he ranks third in NFL history (behind only Bruce Smith and Reggie White) in career sacks. But during his playing days, he was simply unforgettable. Greene first tried to walk onto Auburn as a P before making the team as a defensive player. In 1984, Greene only started the last four games, yet led the SEC in sacks. Taken in the 5th round in the 1985 NFL Draft, Greene put together a 15-year career. During that time, Greene coupled tremendous success on the field (although he only made one Super Bowl appearance) with the classic macho man personality (cultivated with his long hair and wrestling appearances) to become a popular player. He then went on to become a coach, playing a key role in the Green Bay Packers’ Super Bowl XLV win. 

To be honest, I don’t really have any strong feelings towards Greene one way or another. Dad insists Greene was kind of a dick and must’ve taken steroids during his career. There’s also the fact that a cause of death hasn’t been released. Was it due to a condition caused by drug usage or CTE? Still, I can’t help but feel sad for his loss. Objectively, he was an amazing football player and one of the best defensive players to ever play football. Then, talk to former teammates or players under his care (like Aaron Rodgers or A.J. Hawk), and they have nothing but good things to say about him. In the end, this is a tough loss for the football world. RIP, Mr. Greene.

THE GOAT DEBATE

As I’ve discovered as I get older, there will come a certain point where you will find yourself defending the abilities of athletes from your era to the youth, who never saw them play and thus don’t have the perspective to compare people from different generations. We see this all the time with the NBA, especially while The Last Dance was airing and the Jordan-LeBron debate was at an all-time high. While the vast majority of the arguing is being done by butthurt fanboys on the internet, it becomes bigger news when former players get involved, whether it be the older players saying the modern game is too soft (and they had to play while going uphill in the snow both ways) or the newer players arguing their era is better because athletes as a whole are in better shape (ignoring James Harden) and the sport is more competitive (although it still takes players forever to break records despite there being more offense/games played).

In the NFL, the GOAT debate usually centers around the QB position, with most people debating Tom Brady vs. Joe Montana and others throwing in names like Peyton Manning, John Elway, Aaron Rodgers, and Dan Marino because they like to be wrong. But last week, it was the GOAT WR at the center of discussion, brought about by one of the names involved. During an appearance on Terrell Owens’ podcast, Randy Moss proclaimed he, not Jerry Rice, was the best WR ever, with Owens ranking second and Rice “third or fourth.” Moss’ argument was to “not live by” statistics and championships (he says “that’s all political“) and instead focus on who dominated and changed the game. Moss and Owens both agreed defenses weren’t as complex in Rice’s heyday as they were during their careers, while Owens’ co-host, Matthew Hatchette, said Moss and Owens’ ability to jump over defenders contributed to their greatness. Since then, Rice has responded, claiming stats and championships do actually matter, while one of the game’s best (sorry I mean fastest) WRs, Tyreek Hill, further abused logic by agreeing with Moss that he is the GOAT WR.

For the majority of football fans, Moss is generally considered Top 5 if not Top 2-3 greatest WRs of all time. A lot of football fans also think Rice is Top 5, if not Top 1 among the greatest PLAYERS in NFL history. When Moss says to throw out the statistics, he means to get rid of the evidence that Rice’s legacy kicks his ass. Rice currently holds the NFL career records for receiving yards (22,895), receptions (1,549), and receiving TDs (197). Larry Ftizgerald is second for yards (17,464) and receptions (1,426), while Moss is second in TDs (156). Look at the separation Rice has from everyone else. for receiving yards, the distance from Rice to Fitzgerald is about the same from Fitzgerald to Jason Witten, who ranks 19th (13,034). For receiving TDs, it’s the same from Rice to Moss as Moss to Antonio Gates in seventh place (116). While Rice isn’t as far ahead in receptions and isn’t even in No. 1 in more modern, pass-heavy stats like yards per game (he’s 10th with 75.6), he’s still way ahead of Moss in that category (23rd with 70.1), receptions (15th with 982), and receiving yards (fourth with 15,292). Then there are the stats Moss really wants everyone to ignore. Rice has four Super Bowl appearances, which netted him three rings and a Super Bowl MVP. Moss has been to two Super Bowls and lost them all.

But here’s where Moss is right: the stats don’t tell the whole story… or do they? Obviously, Moss played in much fewer games than Rice and thus ranks pretty far back in statistical categories. Those kinds of stats reward longevity, like Frank Gore having the third most rushing yards in NFL history. Obviously, Frank Gore is not the third best RB of all-time, though he is going into the HOF some day. Stats don’t show the pure freak athleticism and skill that Moss had, the ability to blow by any defender and have the ball seemingly stick to his hands. Moss is indisputably one of the best WRs ever to lace them up. So why isn’t he the best? Simply put, Moss had a terrible attitude and work ethic that created off-field drama and led to him becoming a locker room cancer, someone no one wanted on a team no matter how good they are (think Antonio Brown before Brady’s influence overruled common sense). Not to mention he would openly quit on teams during the season (cough Oakland Raiders cough). He, like Shaquille O’Neal (going back to the basketball analogy), had the tools, physical attributes, skill, and potential to become the GOAT. But he didn’t. For basketball, that honor goes to Michael Jordan. For football, it’s Rice.

Like Jordan, there’s no wasted potential in Jerry Rice’s career. Rice was a physical freak who to this day has the most legendary workout in NFL history. He worked hard to be in the best shape possible (he looks like he could still play today) and stay in the game as long as he could. For someone who wasn’t as naturally gifted, that work ethic could make someone like Gore or Curtis Martin or Isaac Bruce or Steve Smith. While we remember Moss for being a physical freak, we forget that Rice was as well. Rice had arguably the best route-running ability in NFL history, the power to take hits while at the same time running away from everyone, and of course the hands to catch anything thrown his way. Someone with those gifts or someone with that work ethic would finish high in the NFL’s record books. Someone who has both shatters the record books, putting miles between himself and everyone else. Rice so thoroughly outclasses any other WR that it’s like comparing Wayne Gretzky to any other hockey player. Sure, you could argue Mario Lemeiux, Gordie Howe, Maurice Richard, Mark Messier, or Bobby Hull deserve a conversation. But in the end, Gretzky is The Great One. Rice is the GOAT.

So Randy Moss, do the world a favor and shut the fuck up.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 SUPER BOWL MATCHUPS THAT NEVER HAPPENED

For once, we’re getting exactly what we objectively want in the Epic Bowl — the two highest scoring and overall best rosters squaring off for the title. The chances for an exciting matchup are extremely high, which is nice considering most of the Epic Bowls have been terrible (more on that next week). Championship games don’t often provide the best results. The same can be said for the Super Bowl. While we remember classics like Super Bowl XLIII, XLIX, LI, and LII, there are plenty of clunkers — Super Bowl XLVI, XLVIII, L, and LIII. The majority of title games have not been close. That doesn’t mean the potential hasn’t been there, at least going into the playoffs. There have been many times we’ve wanted to see a particular matchup, only for a loss or two to prevent the dream from coming true. It’s always interesting to take a look at alternate history, so let’s dive into the title games that could’ve been.

Now, there are some limits to what I’d be willing to change. I’m not going to make any changes to injuries or seeding that took place during that season. I’m avoiding going with a generic matchup (i.e. 49ers vs. Steelers) and sticking with specific matchups. I’m also not willing to go before the Super Bowl era — it’s the past 54 seasons or nothing. I’m also not going to be selfish. On top of how great I think these games would’ve been and the storylines that would’ve made the buildup even better, I’m also taking into account the game it would replace. For example, it would’ve been cool to see Brett Favre and Peyton Manning duke it out in Super Bowl XLIV, Joe Montana facing Dan Fouts instead of Ken Anderson in Super Bowl XVI, and the last remnants of the 80’s 49ers engaging in an offensive slugfest with the 90’s Bills in Super Bowl XXV. But that also means no surprise onside kick and pick six of Manning by the Saints, no Dan Bunz making “The Stop,” and no Scott Norwood setting the standard for heartbreaking losses. We want to get rid of bad matchups as badly as we want to find good ones.

HONORABLE MENTION: AARON RODGERS VS. TOM BRADY

It’s incredible we have yet to see a Tom Brady-Aaron Rodgers Super Bowl showdown. Rodgers and the Packers won Super Bowl XLV the year Brady’s top seed Patriots were upset by the New York Jets in the Divisional Round. The next year, it was No. 1 seed Green Bay being upset in that round by the New York Giants, who would beat New England in Super Bowl XLVI. The closest call came three years later, when an incredible comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game against the Packers prevented a Brady-Rodgers duel in Super Bowl XLIX.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE MANNING BOWL

Peyton and Eli Manning each won two Super Bowls, including twice in a row in XLI and XLII. But the brothers never faced off in the title game. The closest we would get would be the year Eli’s Giants ended the Patriots’ perfect season. In the regular season, Peyton’s Colts (the defending Super Bowl champions) played New England in a 24-20 Patriots win. Everyone was anticipating a rematch in the AFC Championship Game. But Indianapolis was upset in the Divisional Round by a San Diego Chargers team that was missing both Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson. 

10. THE EXPANSION BOWL

In 1995, the Carolina Panthers and Jacksonville Jaguars both joined the NFL as expansion teams. One year later, both were one game away from Super Bowl XXXI. Behind stellar play from Kerry Collins, Kevin Greene, and Eric Davis, Carolina improved from 7-9 to 12-4 and won the NFC West thanks to a season sweep of the San Francisco 49ers. The No. 2 seed Panthers hosted the Dallas Cowboys in the Divisional Round, knocking out Michael Irvin early and picking off Troy Aikman three times in a 26-17 win. Jacksonville went from 4-12 to 9-7, but needed a last second missed FG by the Atlanta Falcons in the season finale to make the playoffs. The Jaguars upset the Buffalo Bills in the Wild Card Round before shocking the No. 1 seed Denver Broncos the following weekend. Unfortunately for both cat teams, the ride would end in their conference title games. The Panthers lost an early lead to the eventual Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers, while the Jaguars lost four turnovers in a defeat to the New England Patriots. 

9. THE BATTLE OF PENNSYLVANIA

We’ve come close to an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl several times, but none more so than Super Bowl XXXIX. The 2004 season saw the Philadelphia Eagles finally break through, after three straight NFC Championship Game losses. New addition Terrell Owens helped propel an offense featuring Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook to even greater heights. The Eagles finished as the NFC’s No. 1 seed, defeating the Minnesota Vikings and Atlanta Falcons to reach the big game. They were expected to face the Pittsburgh Steelers, who had to turn to rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger after a Week 2 injury to Tommy Maddox. All Roethlisberger did was win 13 straight games, including back-to-back wins over the then-unbeaten Eagles and New England Patriots, and lead the Steelers to a 15-1 record. But in the AFC Championship Game, Pittsburgh faltered, losing 41-27 in a rematch with New England, who would go on to defeat Philadelphia 24-21 in what was a mediocre title game. The Battle of Pennsylvania would’ve been much better.   

8. THE ONE WE WERE ROBBED OF

Of all the matchups on the list, this is one of the closest to have happened and the one that fans feel they were robbed of. In 2018, both the Kansas City Chiefs and New Orleans Saints used their high-powered offenses to finish as the No. 1 seed in their conferences. After dispatching the Indianapolis Colts and Philadelphia Eagles, respectively, in the Divisional Round, the Chiefs and Saints were in position to win both conference title games. Up 28-24 late over New England, a potential game-winning INT for Kansas City was wiped out by a neutral zone infraction. The Patriots would end up winning 37-31 in OT. New Orleans was also in position to win late, deep in Rams territory tied at 20-20. But an extremely controversial no-call for pass interference prevented the Saints from running out the clock. Los Angeles would force OT and win it 26-23. A game with Drew Brees, Pat Mahomes, Alvin Kamara, Travis Kelce, Michael Thomas, and Tyreek Hill would’ve been infinitely better than the snoozefest we got in Super Bowl LIII instead.  

7. THE FAMILIAR BREES

Before the 2006 season, the San Diego Chargers and their All-Pro QB, Drew Brees, couldn’t come to terms on a deal. Brees ended up signing with the New Orleans Saints and the Chargers turned to Philip Rivers at QB. Both teams unexpectedly thrived that year, with Brees returning from a torn labrum in better shape than ever. The Saints, returning to New Orleans for the first time since Hurricane Katrina, had their best season at that point in franchise history and earned the No. 2 seed in the NFC. In San Diego, while Rivers did well, it was LaDainian Tomlinson’s legendary, record-setting MVP campaign that led the Chargers to a 14-2 record and the No. 1 seed in the AFC. Thoughts turned to a potential grudge match between Brees and the Chargers in Super Bowl XLI. Instead, San Diego was upset by the New England Patriots in the Divisional Round, New Orleans was blown the fuck out by the Chicago Bears in the NFC Championship Game, and Rex Grossman’s ineptitude helped Peyton Manning win his first ever title.  

6. THE ULTIMATE GRUDGE MATCH

You could make the argument this matchup belongs to Super Bowl XXVIII, which the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers each came one game from reaching. But I like it for Super Bowl XXIX the following year, because it actually happened that season. In Week 2 of 1994, Joe Montana faced his old team, the 49ers, for the first time since being traded to the Chiefs the year before. Kansas City’s defense kept Montana’s successor, Steve Young, in check, as the Chiefs pulled off a 24-17 win. But after that, each team’s fortunes went in opposite directions. The 49ers went 12-2 the rest of the year en route to the NFC’s No. 1 seed and an MVP for Young. Injuries and a lack of production from Marcus Allen hampered Kansas City, although they snuck into the playoffs with the win against the Los Angeles Raiders mentioned earlier. Montana’s career would come to an end the following week with a loss to the Miami Dolphins in the Wild Card Round. San Francisco would not only reach the title game, but win it 49-26 over the San Diego Chargers.

5. THE MISSED CONNECTION

Despite appearing in nine of the first 18 Super Bowls and winning a combined eight titles overall, the Raiders and Cowboys have never played each other in the big game. It nearly happened in Super Bowl II, but the Green Bay Packers took care of both teams. Ten years later, we came close to seeing a much better contest. Oakland entered the 1977 season as the defending Super Bowl champion and played like it, finishing 11-3. However, the Denver Broncos wound up 12-2 and got to host the AFC Championship Game. Denver took advantage of Oakland turnovers and barely won 20-17 to advance to Super Bowl XII. Waiting for them was Dallas, the best team in the NFC who had cruised past the Chicago Bears and Minnesota Vikings. The Cowboys destroyed the Broncos, which while not a bad thing did bring up thoughts of what could’ve been. The wild and brash Ken Stabler against the militaristic and disciplined Roger Staubach. The high-powered Raiders offense against the Cowboys’ Doomsday Defense. It would’ve been a fun one for sure.

4. THE OFFENSIVE FIRESTORM

In 1998, the Denver Broncos were the defending champions and John Elway, in his final season, led his team to a 14-2 record and the No. 1 seed in the AFC. But all of the hype, as well as the NFL’s best record, belonged to the 15-1 Minnesota Vikings. With rookie phenom Randy Moss and the ever reliable Cris Carter catching passes from a resurgent Randall Cunningham, as well as the NFC’s top rusher in Robert Smith, the Vikings scored a single season record 556 points. Minnesota’s defense, led by John Randle, was also pretty damn good. A date between Denver and Minnesota in Super Bowl XXXIII seemed all but certain. The Broncos cruised past the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets, while the Vikings crushed the Arizona Cardinals. But things hit a snag in the NFC Championship Game, as Gary Anderson, who hadn’t missed a kick all season, went wide on a potential game-winning FG. The Vikings would lose to the Atlanta Falcons 30-27 in OT, allowing Elway to exit his career without facing arguably his biggest ever challenge.  

3. THE LEGENDARY CONTRAST

In 2000, the Baltimore Ravens assembled one of the greatest defenses in NFL history, one that allowed them to overcome having Trent Dilfer at QB. Led by DPOY Ray Lewis, Baltimore held three of its four playoff opponents to single digits, including the New York Giants in a 34-7 rout in Super Bowl XXXV. Other than the Oakland Raiders (who saw Rich Gannon knocked out by a dirty hit from Tony Siragusa), none of those teams had much of an offense. But what if the 2000 Ravens had to face a strong offense, like the Greatest Show on Turf? The defending champion St. Louis Rams started 6-0 but lost Kurt Warner for much of the season due to a broken hand. Marshall Faulk went gangbusters in his effort to drag the Rams to the playoffs without Warner, winning MVP in the process. But in the Wild Card Round, Warner turned the ball over four times and Az-Zahir Hakim muffed a punt to doom St. Louis in a 31-28 loss to the New Orleans Saints. If the Rams held onto the ball, we could’ve seen an incredible contrast in styles in the Super Bowl.  

2. THE FORBIDDEN FANTASY

Every single NorCal football fan has dreamed of a Raiders-49ers Super Bowl matchup. It almost happened in the 1983 season, if not for the officials. In Los Angeles, the Raiders largely rolled through their schedule, earning the AFC’s No. 1 seed and rolling over the Pittsburgh Steelers and Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs. San Francisco didn’t have its best regular season, but still managed to get the No. 2 seed and advance to the NFC Championship Game thanks to Eddie Murray’s missed FG for the Detroit Lions. Against the defending champion Washington Redskins, the 49ers trailed 21-0 in the 4th quarter. But Joe Montana led San Francisco back with a wild rally to tie the game at 21-21. However, Washington’s next drive was aided by two controversial (read: utter bullshit) penalties, allowing Mark Mosely to kick the game-winning FG with 40 seconds left. The 49ers may not have fared better than the Redskins, who got annihilated by the Raiders in Super Bowl XVIII. Still, a Raiders-49ers showdown would have been awesome either way.

1. THE REMATCH

The 1985 Chicago Bears are among the greatest teams in NFL history. They might be considered No. 1 if not for the “one” in their loss column. Chicago’s lone blemish came in a Monday Night contest in Miami, as Dan Marino and the Dolphins used some magic to come out on top 38-24. The Bears responded by dominating everyone else they played, becoming the first NFL team to shut out its first two playoff opponents (the New York Giants and Los Angeles Rams). Bears fans were dreaming of a chance to avenge the loss in Super Bowl XX. But Miami didn’t hold up its end of the bargain. After escaping the Cleveland Browns 24-21 in the Divisional Round, the Dolphins were upset by the New England Patriots 31-14 in the AFC Championship Game. Chicago would run roughshod over New England 46-10, completing their run of dominance. But many wonder what would’ve happened if the Bears and Dolphins had their epic rematch — another chance for Marino to get a ring and one final test for the best defense in NFL history. Sadly, it was not to be.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $40

Nick: $0

Jimmy: $0

EPIC BOWL X PREVIEW

1. 49ERS VS. 2. JOP SUEY!!!

Nearly four months after we began this uncertain year of fantasy football, we’ve actually made it to the end. With the NBA and NHL in a bubble and MLB having every other game be impacted by COVID-19, the NFL season was so up in the air that for the first time we had to decide on a backup plan in case the season was canceled. While the coronavirus has certainly had a role in these first 15 weeks, it’s a testament to the NFL’s bullish stubbornness to put a product on the field (regardless of quality) that it looks like we’ll get through 2020 by declaring a champion in the proper way. It seems kind of incredible that in a season where we’ve seen games played Tuesday and Wednesday, no fans in the majority of stadiums, teams lose entire position groups less than 24 hours before kickoff, and the Cleveland Browns win double digit games, the Epic Bowl will feature each of the top two seeds for the first time ever. Naturally, a year of chaos and confusion is the only one to end with chalk for the championship. That’s fantasy football for you.

Just like last season, 49ers are one win away from capping a dominant campaign with a title. To my benefit, Gee tripped at the finish line in 2019. This year, he’s assembled an Avengers-like group of players to not only make it over this time, but go scorched earth on the land where the line once stood. Gee has not only gotten to enjoy the statistically best WR this season in Tyreek Hill, but also that of the biggest wrecking ball since Earl Campbell in Derrick Henry. Both forces don’t seem like they’re going to stop producing anytime soon. Allen Robinson would be the No. 1 WR on virtually every other team and he’s Gee’s No. 2. The No. 2 RB to Henry has changed often, but J.K. Dobbins and Tony Pollard seem reliable. The Bears defense has been amazing and will likely eat the Jaguars apart. But the biggest question this week comes at QB. Things can change between now and Saturday, but Gee currently has Jalen Hurts in his lineup over MVP candidate Josh Allen. This may seem odd, but Gee’s made all the right moves so far.

Gee would’ve run away with the scoring title had it not been for one other team, the very one he’ll be facing for the title. Jop Suey!!! has been the surprise of the season, with Taylor’s slick drafting and mid-season moves creating a juggernaut. Kyler Murray has been a boom or bust at QB, but one who’s mostly boomed. Davante Adams has been one of the most explosive WRs in the NFL. But his fate will be tied to whichever Aaron (Rodgers or Jones) shows up the most for the Packers. Robert Woods is a solid if not spectacular No. 2. Alvin Kamara (who should’ve been mine) has always been spectacular, with Mike Davis benched this week in favor of Melvin Gordin and Leonard Fournette (we’ll see if Antonio Gibson can make it back from injury). An underrated part of Taylor’s success has been the combo of the Colts defense and Darius Leonard. With the freefalling Steelers in town (seriously fow in the living fuck did they lose to the Bengals?), it should be another field day for arguably the best defense in football this year.

When these two teams met in Week 6, Gee came out on top in a 105.18-88.62 affair. Both rosters look a lot different now (Davis was on Gee’s team back then), and have since gotten used to scoring a lot more points. Both were easily the highest scoring teams in the league in 2020, so if any Epic Bowl matchup should deliver the championship game fireworks we’ve been desperate for, it’s this one. This Epic Bowl will be the tenth in history, closing the chapter on the first decade of our league. In that time, only Brian Ewing has won multiple league titles, going back-to-back from 2016-17. Either Gee or Taylor will join him as the only people to win more than one championship in league history. Gee’s only win came in dominant fashion, with almost equal dominance being shown in his campaign for redemption after coming up just short last year. Taylor won his title as an underdog, which he will be once again despite his scoring ability. Only one will leave the worst year in recent memory as champion. This should be legendary.

ONE LAST THING

I usually avoid talking about college football in these newsletters, mostly because this is a NFL fantasy football league, not a CFB one. I’ve made it a special point to continue the tradition this year, given the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic. While I’ve given the NFL shit for its stubbornness and lack of an overall plan for dealing with COVID-19, the league looks like birthday boy Dr. Anthony Fauci in comparison to CFB.

Where do I even begin? There was the point where nearly half of all schools in the country opted out of the 2020 season. There was also a point those schools included the Pac-12 and B1G. There was the point where the SEC, ACC, and Big XII (whose schools are in states full of people who think COVID-19 is a hoax and President Trump won the election) decided money was more important and went on with the season. The B1G almost immediately reversed course, with the Pac-12 joining them later. Then there was the season itself, which was full of cancelations, suspensions, nearly every school and half of all major figureheads in the sport testing positive, imbalanced schedules, virtually worthless rankings, and inconsistency across the board. In fact, one of those positive tests directly led to one team making the CFP.

That brings me to my point this week, the point where I couldn’t hold back my confusion and anger about what was happening. If there was ever going to be a year where the hierarchy was shaken up, it was 2020. With cancelations and weird schedules abound, there was surely plenty of opportunity for teams to make a rare move up the standings. True to form, we saw some fun storylines. Northwestern and Indiana surprised the hell out of the B1G. Cincinnati rose up to become the top G5 school and finish 9-0. Coastal Carolina came out of nowhere to finish 11-0 and present its case for a shot at the big boys. Only two Power 5 teams finished unbeaten, with the Pac-12 and Big XIII each having two-loss champions. Surely, this was enough to bring in some new blood to the top of the rankings.

Instead, we got a CFP of Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State, and Notre Dame. Texas A&M just missed out, while a two-loss Oklahoma was No. 6. 

In a year seemingly tailor-made for the committee to get creative and bring in new blood, the committee instead proved just how much it’s willing to bend over backwards to suck the dick of the blue bloods. The CFP committee might as well have told G5 schools to go fuck themselves and that they’ll never be taken seriously. How else do you expect people to interpret an unbeaten Cincinnati sliding down the rankings during these past few weeks to the point where they’re behind both a two-loss Oklahoma and a three-loss Florida in the final standings? I can forgive what the committee did to Coastal Carolina, but what happened to Cincinnati is fucking disgraceful. It’s official: unless most of the Power 5 schools fall off the face of the earth or they’re competing with a Pac-12 team, the G5 might as well start their own playoff, with blackjack… and hookers. In fact, forget the playoff.

Meanwhile, let’s be honest: Notre Dame didn’t deserve to make it. Jimmy and the rest of the Fighting Irish diehards can bitch at me all they want, but you know I’m right. For the most part, they just beat up a low key weak ACC. Their claim to fame was defeating a Clemson team that was missing its future No. 1 NFL Draft pick QB and starting a freshman in his stead… at home… in double OT. The Tigers proved that loss was a cluke by dominating the Fighting Irish in the ACC Championship Game. So after getting smacked by a playoff team, Notre Dame is still worthy to make the CFP? It’s a joke. The amount of destruction Alabama will lay upon them may be even greater than the Crimson Tide’s demolition of the Fighting Irish in the title game nearly eight years ago. I’m not saying Texas A&M (who got smacked by Alabama and would’ve played them in a rematch) or Oklahoma (lol) were more deserving. You know who was in fact deserving of the final playoff spot? Unbeaten Cincinnati.

I will continue to say this until they actually change it up: we need an eight-team playoff. The system as it is right now is inherently flawed. You have five Power 5 conferences and only four playoff spots. If each conference produces a dominant, unbeaten champion, one will be left out no matter what. The CFP is setting themselves up for that scenario, which is bound to happen eventually. Why not avoid that risk, along with the debate over whether to put in a one-loss team from a better conference over another conference champion, by expanding the playoff? That way, you get each Power 5 conference with at least one member and the three other spots can be wild cards (one of them for the top G5 school). If that situation would’ve played out this year, we would’ve gotten a first round of Alabama-Cincinnati, Clemson-Florida, Ohio State-Oklahoma, and Notre Dame-Texas A&M. I honestly wouldn’t have had a problem with that, although I personally would’ve swapped out Florida with Oregon. There will of course be bitching about No. 8 vs. No. 9, but there will be bitching about who deserves the final spot no matter how many teams compete.

More than anything, I’m incredibly disheartened for the future of college football. While I (like everyone else on the West Coast) watched USC’s 2005 season with great interest and mildly followed what was happening in 2006, the first year I truly paid attention to college football as a whole was 2007. That was the year of the impossible and absurd, the most chaotic season in CFB history. An utterly insane amount of Top 25 (particularly Top 5) upsets happened. A two-loss LSU won the title. Kansas finished as the only one-loss Power 5 school. I fell in love with the chaos. Having gone to a school with no football team (and I’m not just talking about Kennedy), I still don’t have a dog in the CFB fight. So I root for chaos, the fun and memorable upsets that cause change and present us with something we’ve never seen before. Now, in the most chaotic year CFB has ever seen in terms of real life events, we got the most predictable results. 

With the rich continuing to get richer and the powers that be continuing to protect the blue bloods, I unfortunately don’t see anything changing in the near future, pandemic or not.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

Former Champion :(, Epic League of Epic Epicness