Ruben's Writings

It’s finally over. It’s done.

We’re just hours away from the end of 2020, the worst year on record. Soon, 2021 will begin and all of our problems will instantly disappear, at least that’s what I’ve been told. Seriously though, this year has fucking sucked. I’ll go over in greater detail just how bizarre of a year this was both in terms of football and the rest of the world later. But before we can shut the door on 2020, we’ve got a lot to talk about, starting with our new champion.

(cue theme music)

EPIC BOWL X RECAP

2. JOP SUEY!!! DEF. 1. 49ERS

162.48 – 107.08

Alvin Kamara. I mean seriously I can end the recap just by saying Alvin Kamara. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to fill these four paragraphs to recap a game that basically ended on Christmas. Still, they don’t call me long-winded for nothing and I need content to fill the final newsletter of 2020. Anyway, it was simply absurd to see Kamara do what he did. The 40-yard run to open the scoring was one thing. Then there were the two other TDs that followed in the first half. At that point, you’d assume the Saints would just cruise and rest Kamara. But the Vikings kept on scoring (giving Adam Thielen 15 points of his own. So New Orleans kept running it down Minnesota’s throat. The fucked up part is that Kamara should’ve had seven scores — Sean Payton’s love of Taysom Hill allowed the NFL record to stand untouched… at least for a little while. At least Kamara had another chance for six. Taylor had to know the title was his at this point, but probably understandably still nervous Gee would pull off some bullshit or something.

Gee would have to wait two days to get his chance, with the exception of seeing Ryan Succop give him a mild effort compared to what Leonard Fournette (12 points) did for Taylor. However, Taylor still had two big hitters to go before Sunday. Up first was Kyler Murray (16 points), who unlike the weekend before (no I’m not bitter) had a bad day — in fact his second-lowest point output of the season (seriously, Murray’s gotten fewer than 20 points in four of the past five weeks and the one time he did well [34 points] was when I played Taylor in the semi-finals). Murray’s mild point total brought up a glimmer of hope that maybe Taylor’s lineup could have an opening. That hope would be dashed away by Myles Gaskin (28 points) who took advantage of the Raiders’ inability to tackle (oh you bet I’m going to have more on that later) to post by far his biggest point output of the season. If Kamara hadn’t done it already, Gaskin seemingly took Gee out of championship contention like he did with the Las Vegas team he faced in real life.

If Gee was to mount a comeback, there would be two men at the center of it. One was Tyreek Hill, who had once dropped 44 points in a game and had four times topped the 20-point mark. However, the Chiefs’ unexpected struggles against the Falcons meant Hill couldn’t even put up double-digits. Evan Engram, the Bears defense, and Blake Martinez weren’t much help, either. At least J.K. Dobbins (13 points) and Allen Robinson did decently enough. But Gee was running out of bullets, hoping Taylor didn’t have anyone extend his lead much further. To Gee’s relief, that was kind of playing out. The Colts defense suffered a collapse that left them with a goose egg (although Darius Leonard did well enough on his own). Joey Slye basically got nothing, while Dallas Goedert and Robert Woods were far from their usual good selves. With no one on either team playing on Monday Night and both rosters down to their final spots, any hope Gee had of pulling off a miracle laid in the results of two games: Eagles-Cowboys and Packers-Titans.

The fact that Gee didn’t have anyone going on Monday was a bit of a shock, given that Josh Allen is on his roster. However, Gee went with a major gamble and inserted Jalen Hurts as his starting QB. Not that it would have mattered in the end, but that plan definitely did not work out. Hurts (20 points) did okay, but Allen (32 points) continued his “People’s MVP” campaign with another incredible performance. I will fully admit that I was wrong about Gee drafting Allen, but Gee missed a great opportunity to stick the knife in further by benching him in the big game. Still down by a lot, Gee had one more chance, thanks to one of the only players capable of matching Kamara’s production: Derrick Henry. Unfortunately for Gee, El Tractorcito couldn’t get any traction on the Frozen Tundra. But you know who could? Davante Adams (32 points), who allowed Taylor to do the equivalent of what the Bills would do to the Patriot on Gee. Incredibly, Taylor could have benched Kamara, leaving his roster spot blank, and still won his second championship.

STAT OF THE WEEK

What Alvin Kamara did wasn’t just amazing in terms of NFL history, but it rewrote the fantasy football record books. Kamara’s six rushing TDs, 155 rushing yards, and 17 receiving yards came out to 53.2 points. According to every stat page I’ve looked at, Kamara had the second-most fantasy football points (for non-PPR leagues) by any individual player in a single game since the merger and the most since our league began. Only Clinton Portis’ performance in Week 14 of the 2003 season (55.4 points — five rushing TDs, 218 rushing yards, 36 receiving yards) was statistically superior. It’s also worth noting that Kamara just bested Shaun Alexander’s Week 4 effort in 2002 (four rushing TDs, 139 rushing yards, one receiving TD, 92 receiving yards), which equates to 53.1 points. Kamara also joined an exclusive list of players to score 50+ points in a single non-PPR league game. Only eight have done so — (in descending order) Portis, Kamara, Alexander, Jerry Rice, Corey Dillon, Jamaal Charles, Doug Martin, Jerry Butler. 

So yeah, Taylor just got the best luck in the history of fantasy football.

By the way, you might be surprised that no QB has gotten above the 50-point mark. That’s because for QBs, passing TDs only count for four points and each yard is only worth 0.04 points (instead of 0.1 for everyone else). Michael Vick came the closest with 49.3 points in the famous Monday Night Massacre of 2010. Mark Rypien is somehow second with 48.08 points. Three seven-TD performances (Peyton Manning, Nick Foles, Drew Brees) are in the Top 10, while Aaron Rodgers is on there twice. Ben Roethlisberger, Randall Cunningham, and amazingly Mitch Trubisky make up the rest of the Top 10 for QBs. By the way, Kellen Winslow is the only TE to crack 40 points in a single game, getting 44.4 points in Week 12 of 1981. Rob Bironas has the record for Ks with 28 points, just edging Jay Feely in a game where Feely also scored a rushing TD. The rest of the Top 5 includes (trigger warning for Ewing) Billy Cundiff, Cairo Santos, and Stephen Gotskowski, who somehow made it this year despite his whole missing kicks problem.

IN MEMORIAM

49ERS (GEE)

For the second straight year, 49ers walk away from the confetti instead of running into it. After earning the No. 1 seed and losing in the Epic Bowl last year, Gee ran through the 2020 season with a vengeance. He assembled a legion of monsters that included Derrick Henry, Tyreek Hill, Josh Allen, and Allen Robinson. Gee wrecked shit all year, stumbling only once (due to several key players being out that week) during the regular season, claiming another No. 1 seed, and missing out on a second straight Free Beer title by less than ten points. After making mincemeat of Nick and Chriss, it seemed Gee was destined for redemption. However, against a team he had crushed two months earlier, his roster failed to perform again. To be fair, he arguably had the worst title game luck in fantasy football history. But as mentioned before, that didn’t even matter. While I won’t compare him to the 1990’s Buffalo Bills since he’s actually won a title, Gee is starting to resemble another choking team he’s mocked before: the 2010’s L.A. Dodgers.  

IN VICTORY

(cue theme music 2)

JOP SUEY!!! (TAYLOR)

While we’ve been focusing on Gee’s potential redemption story, we missed the real tale being told all along. After a series of bad draft picks and moves left Jop Suey!!! out of the playoffs last year, Taylor revamped himself in 2020 by doing the exact opposite. Taking advantage of my draft day fuckup, Taylor grabbed the eventual 53-point man, Alvin Kamara, along with the likes of Davante Adams, Kyler Murray, and Robert Woods. Although Taylor hit some stumbles in the road and lost his third pick, Odell Beckham, due to injury, he was consistently able to repair the holes and do so while incredibly not making a single trade. The proof is in the consistent scoring, which allowed him to snag the Free Beer honors and establish himself as one of the few teams capable of taking down the Gee juggernaut. After a mild scare in the quarter-finals, Taylor turned it on in the semi-finals (to my displeasure) before riding a historic wave of luck and momentum and becoming just the second person and only current league member to win multiple Epic Bowls.  

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 EPIC BOWLS

Guys, did you know this was the tenth season in league history? For those of us who were there for the beginning, the eight-team, in-person draft with a bunch of college guys — it’s been a wild ride. For those who have joined the party since then, you’ve gotten to experience your own wild seasons and historic results. Ten names (well technically eight names, with two of them listed twice) now adorn the championship trophy. Let’s take a look back through the past decade by ranking the top Epic Bowls, based on competitiveness, scoring, and how late the outcome was decided. Spoiler alert: the majority of these championship games sucked. I guess this is something to work on for the next decade.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE GRIDIRON GANG

Before forming the Epic League, I — along with Dad, Ewing, Jimmy, and Gee — took part in another league, called the Gridiron Gang, which for me at least was my first fantasy football experience. Ewing’s dad, Brian, organized it and his mom, Chris, won the first year (2007). Jimmy and Brian won the following two seasons. But after the 2009 season, the league was not renewed for 2010, which is the most recent year I have not done fantasy football. So I gathered some leftovers, recruited a few more people, and created the Epic League for the 2011 season. 

10. OVER BEFORE THE WEEKEND

I mean… congrats to Taylor and everything, but what do you want me to do? While we have (rightfully) praised Alvin Kamara for his historic, 53-point performance, it also meant that the contest was essentially over before the weekend even began. I mean, how the fuck do you lose when one of your players literally gets 53 points? Hell, I only scored 68 points against Chriss in the 3rd place game, yet would’ve beaten Gee had Kamara been on my roster. If 49ers had somehow found a way to come back and defeat Jop Suey!!!, this would’ve indisputably been ranked No. 1. But that wasn’t going to happen, especially with Davante Adams (32 points) and Myles Gaskin (28 points) having stellar days. It also helped that Gee’s lineup played average, with the exception of Adam Thielen (15 points) and J.K. Dobbins (13 points). Gee’s two heavy hitters, Derrick Henry and Tyreek Hill, both failed to crack double digits. Incredibly, 2020’s Epic Bowl didn’t have the largest margin of victory. This is when the news finally gets good for Gee. 

9. CAPPING A PERFECT* SEASON

Going into his first (and so far only) Epic Bowl in 2013, Dad said he would retire from the league if he managed to upset Gee. Given that he’s still playing (and getting his ass kicked by his son), it’s safe to assume that did not happen. You’d be correct, and it wasn’t even close. 49ers led from beginning to end and dominated Greater Fools to the tune of a 58-point margin of victory, which remains the largest in Epic Bowl history (even after this year’s ass whooping). While Andrew Luck didn’t have his best game, A.J. Green (21 points), Ryan Matthews (17 points), and Demaryius Thomas (18 points) all did enough to make up for it. But it takes two to tango, and none of Dad’s guys showed up. Adrian Peterson, Charles Clay, Danny Amendola, and the Browns defense didn’t do anything, while Cam Newton was lucky to get to double-digit points. In the end, Gee was able to cap an unbeaten season, one that has an asterisk given one of those wins (against Dad no less) came via stat correction and was by less than a single point. That’s not clean enough. 

8. THE START OF A MINI DYNASTY

Before the great Bills renaissance of 2020, there was the season where Buffalo players helped begin a mini-dynasty in the Epic League. 2016 was the first year the league expanded to 12 teams and the first of back-to-back titles for Brian, who primarily used players from his favorite team. While the real life Bills still have yet to win a Super Bowl, Tyrod Taylor (31 points) and LeSean McCoy (20 points) helped propel Brian to an Epic Bowl win. There were also David Johnson (29 points) and Mike Evans (15 points), who helped balance out what was otherwise an inconsistent lineup. Only one player scored more than seven points and fewer than 15. But was it enough for Fred Sanford (Dummy) to win? Yes, because Tony Romo’s Left Nut (like the real QB) choked in the big moments. In what was Nick’s only appearance in the Epic Bowl, T.J. Yeldon, Tyler Lockett, and Rashad Jennings did nothing. Only Aaron Rodgers (37 points), Steve Smith (15 points), and the Eagles defense (13) prevented this from being an utterly major blowout.  

7. TAYLOR VS. GEE PART 1

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before — Gee’s No. 1 overall seed team is upset in the Epic Bowl by Taylor’s squad that outscored him in the regular season. This season was just a sequel, with the original playing out in 2015. Unlike in 2020, there was no one player for Jop Suey !!!!! that broke fantasy football records, although Taylor did get season highs from Jordan Reed (24 points) and Robbie Gould (16 points), as well as another solid day from Todd Gurley (15 points). But while Taylor was held back by poor efforts from Julius Thomas and mediocre days by Antonio Brown and Kamar Aiken, it was nothing compared to Gee’s struggles. Reed alone had more points than anyone on the 49ers roster, including Russell Wilson (20 points). Hee was let down by several key contributors, including Randell Cobb, Gary Barnidge, Mike Evans, and Matt Forte. While Taylor didn’t blow him out of the water, Gee managed to drown at the wrong time. If Gee had scored what he did in either of the previous two playoff rounds, he would’ve won it all .  

6. THE COMMISSIONER GETS HIS MOMENT

Ah yes, now we come to the best postseason in Epic League history. In 2019, three people tied for the No. 1 seed, the Top 4 seeds made the sem-finals for the first and so far only time, and most importantly I won the Epic Bowl. Fun fact: Kyle finished two points back of Gee for the top seed, while I was 23 points back. Had either Kyle or I ended up ahead of Gee in the standings, Arik would’ve won the title. But as Raja Bell once said, “if ifs was a fifth, we’d all be drunk.” On Saturday, the matchup began with both QBs, Deshaun Watson (Orchids of Asia) and Jameis Winston (49ers) facing off and not impressing. But George Kittle (13 points) saved the day, while Christian McCaffrey (17 points) and Mark Andrews (21 points) more than made up for an injury to D.J. Moore. Still, Gee was able to keep pace thanks to Alvin Kamara (23 points) and A.J. Brown (14 points). Fortunately, Ezekiel Elliott, Nick Chubb, and Keenan Allen didn’t do goddamn shit, allowing Kenyan Drake (30 points) to hand me the title and win a nice place in my heart.

5. INTO THE UNKNOWN

Looking back on the first year of the Epic League, it’s incredible how things have changed since 2011. There were only eight teams. I was the No. 1 seed. Gee’s team name was 49ers (wait nevermind that’s the opposite of change). Most importantly of all, Ewing not only made the Epic Bowl, but won it over Jimmy (who was just entering his Wild Hogs days). Team Ramrod came out strong, with great-to-solid performances from Larry Fitzgerald (16 points), Percy Harvin (16 points), Ray Rice (19 points), and Steven Jackson (12 points). Jimmy was able to keep pace with Tom Brady (29 points) and Reggie Bush (13 points) but missed out on big days from A.J. Green and Rob Gronkowski. Ewing was only ahead by four points going into Christmas, but soon got the edge thanks to a bad day for Jimmy’s Packers defense. Drew Brees (27 points) ignored Marques Colston (14 points) enough for Ewing to pull away for the win. It’s fitting that the first Epic Bowl in history gave us an average result to compare every subsequent title game.

4. THE ORIGINAL REDEMPTION ARC

If you can believe it, there was a year when Richard actually (seriously) made the Epic Bowl. I know, right? But don’t worry, he didn’t do anything crazy like actually win the whole thing. That honor went to Jimmy, who became the first person to complete the championship redemption arc. After coming up short in 2011, Wild Hogs made sure to make no mistake in 2012. Jimmy got off to a scorching start on Saturday thanks to Roddy White (27 points) then began Sunday by watching Aaron Rodgers (37 points) go off in the Packers-Titans game that produced this famous screenshot. But Richard would not go quietly, as Dez Bryant (34 points) put Dogpound on his back, while Wes Welker (15 points), LeSean McCoy (12 points), and Knowshon Moreno (12 points) provided plenty of support. With no Monday Night Football that week, Richard led by nine points going into Sunday Night. Unfortunately for Richard, Jimmy still had Marshawn Lynch (25 points) up his sleeve, getting more than enough to clinch his first (and only) Epic League title.  

3. THE TIME CAPSULE

Here’s a fucking throwback for you guys — the 2014 Epic Bowl was contested between Brian and Jake, as in Jake Coyle. I haven’t heard from that dude in at least five years. But his name will forever be a part of our league’s history, because he came out on top in the title game. This matchup was actually the end to a playoff full of upsets, with the Top 3 seeds all losing in the quarter-finals and the bottom two seeds (No. 7 Dragon Oil Changes and No. 8 You Big Dummy) making the finals. Brian got the advantage early thanks to a huge day from Odell Beckham (26 points). Le’Veon Bell (13 points) and DeSean Jackson (12 points) gave Brian a bigger lead, especially after Jamaal Charles, Greg Olsen, and Andre Johnson all failed to deliver for Jake. But poor efforts from Drew Brees and the Bills defense, along with nice efforts from Mike Wallace (17 points) and the 49ers defense (13 points), kept Jake within 24 points going into Sunday Night. That’s when Russell Wilson (36 points) went off, giving Jake the title. He wouldn’t be back.  

2. THE RACE TO TWO

Out of all ten championship games our league has seen, 2017’s was the only one to be decided by fewer than ten points. This one was perhaps the most fitting to end in nail-biting fashion. Brian and Taylor were the two most recent champions, with the winner being the first to multiple Epic League titles. But while the margin of victory indicates a great battle, the brawl between Fred Sanford (Dummy) and Jop Suey!!! ended up being more of a slap fight. This Epic Bowl is the only one to date that saw neither team break triple digits (they didn’t even get above 84). Aside from the Bears defense (14 points), Stefon Diggs (12 points), and LeSean McCoy (14 points), no one did anything on Sunday, which ended with Taylor ahead by 12 points. The title would come down to Juju Smith-Schuster (Taylor) vs. Chris Boswell and the Steelers defense (Brian). Pittsburgh’s domination gave Brian the lead, but a 4th quarter Smith-Schuster brought Taylor to within two points. But his WR wouldn’t catch another pass, as Brian barely hung on to go back-to-back.

1. I DON’T LIKE THIS ONE

THERE! More proof that I am (mostly) unbiased. The 2018 Epic Bowl, which unfortunately I did not win, is the No. 1 spot on this list. While this matchup didn’t crack single digits, it was high-scoring and came down to the final few minutes of Sunday Night. With Cam Newton injured, Wings of Freedom was forced to turn to rookie Baker Mayfield (24 points), who along with Leonard Fournette (13 points) let me keep pace with The Heavy Hitters, who were powered by Robby Anderson (20 points) and Mike Evans (15 points). With Kyle mostly missing in the late afternoon, I hoped to gain a big lead. Thanks to Michael Thomas (16 points), Aaron Donald (18 points), and Jaylen Samuels (12 points) — and no thanks to Tarik Cohen (fuck you Tarik Cohen) — that happened, as I went to bed (I was still on the Morning Show) with a 41-point advantage. But when I woke up, I discovered that Kyle had won thanks to TDs by Chris Carson (23 points) and Pat Mahomes (28 points) in the final five minutes. And now I’m sad all over again. God damn it.

A DECADE OF STATS

Because we’ve hit an even ten-year interval, let’s look back at what we each have been able to accomplish in our time in the Epic League. Admittedly, some of these numbers (particularly with those who’ve been here longer) will be a little skewed. The league started with eight teams, then grew to ten, then briefly shrank back to eight, then expanded to 12, where it remains today and where I’m keeping it for the time being. So when it comes to averages, I’m just gonna keep it simple and use the number they had during each season, even though, for example, 7/8 is technically worse than 9/12. 

These are the numbers that matter. You want to show you’ve won the most in the playoffs or most overall? You want to prove you’ve gotten bad luck by having people score a lot against you? You want to prove you’ve been fucked over by draft luck? Now’s your chance. Click on the attachment and interpret the data below (which took me a metric shit ton of hours to calculate) as you see fit.

GOTTA LOVE HINDSIGHT

Now it’s time for the part of the end-of-season traditions where we look back and pretend we’re smarter than computers while also ignoring the dumb shit we did along the way. Before the season began, Yahoo! projected where everyone would finish based solely on our draft results, which were also graded. Above are the projected standings, which let’s just say are a far cry from what actually happened. Dad and Ewing were the only ones to earn “A” draft grades, with Dad projected to go an astounding 12-1. Of course, Ewing had the second-worst team in the league and Dad right about now is bitching about not having Christian McCaffrey for most of the season. On the flip side, Gee and Chriss rounded out the bottom of the draft grades (both received a “D+”) and the projected standings, with Gee finishing last at 2-11. They laugh in their second and third place trophies. While Yahoo! did call a lot of teams finishing within a game or two of each other, they did have one of those teams be Taylor at 6-7. He laughs at Yahoo! (and Gee and Chriss) with his first place trophy. Most importantly, Yahoo! totally got me wrong. They projected me to go 6-7 and barely miss the playoffs, while instead I went 7-6 and barely made the playoffs. Huge differences there. In fact, the only spot they got right was Jimmy, with his projected record only being off by one game.

But don’t just sit back and be completely judgemental. It’s time for you to get judged (well, if you participated in one of these, anyway). Let’s look back on all of the trades made this year.PLAYERS RECEIVED

THREE EYED RAVENS: Zack Moss

GRUDEN GRINDERS: Henry Ruggs

As usual, Jimmy had his eyes on all Raiders players. So in dangling Henry Ruggs in front of him, Ewing thought he could score a coveted RB in return. When they played well, both Ruggs and Zack Moss played extremely well. Unfortunately, both were also incredibly inconsistent. Ruggs’ team as a whole collapsed as the season went on (more on that in a minute), while Moss (and another RB on this list) basically had their territory taken over by Josh Allen. As far as the trade goes, I’d call it even. Both Jimmy and Ewing got a bunch of unseen potential.
PLAYERS RECEIVED

49ERS: Raheem Mostert

EKEING OUT THE WIN: Will Fuller, Chase Edmonds

I feel honored that both Gee and Kyle reached out to me after making this trade, which was something of a rarity considering it was between two of the league’s best teams. Unfortunately for Gee, much like the one time that played each other, this trade would end up in Kyle’s favor, by a lot. Raheem Mostert, like many real life 49ers players, missed significant time due to injury. Will Fuller was incredibly productive before his suspension while Chase Edmonds was a solid contributor all season long. This was by far the most clear cut trade win for anyone this year.PLAYERS RECEIVED

THREE EYED RAVENS: Michael Thomas, Gardner Minshew

ORCHIDS OF ASIA: Devin Singletary, Sony Michel

Alright so let me finally explain. Michael Thomas was injured/a team cancer and I had limited time to sell while his value was high. I needed a RB and thought Ewing was both desperate enough and needed a WR. I also offered Garnder Minshew because Ewing needed a QB (he ended up picking up Justin Herbert after the trade). I thought Devin Singletary would be the missing piece and Sony Michel would be a viable backup. Obviously, none of those players did anything this season. But I guess I have to call myself the loser given I lost the most overall.
PLAYERS RECEIVED

DIXIE NORMOUS: Giovani Bernard, Marquise Brown

EKEING OUT THE WIN: Keenan Allen

Kyle’s got two trade wins this year, which is more than the amount of postseason wins he got in the end. By giving up a RB on a shitty team (Giovani Bernard) and a streaky WR (Marquise Brown), Kyle got one of the best WRs in the NFL in Keenan Allen. Unfortunately for Kyle, Allen (like all great Chargers players) was nowhere to be found when it came to crunch time (though he did have good regular season numbers). To Nicks’ credit, Bernard began to get on a mild hot streak as the season ended. But by then Nick’s chances at a championship were long gone.
PLAYERS RECEIVED

DIXIE NORMOUS: Juju Smith-Schuster

GRUDEN GRINDERS: Ronald Jones, Jonnu Smith

This one is surprisingly tough to judge. On paper it looks like Jimmy definitely got the better deal. Ronald Jones had a high ceiling and Jonnu Smith was a consistently scoring TE. On the other hand, Juju Smith-Schuster was seemingly the odd WR out on a loaded offense. But Jones like Smith-Schuster was streaky, while Smith dealt with injuries. The Steelers offense calmed down, but Smith-Schuster still got his points. In the end, Nick made the trade to try to make a late push for the playoffs. He accomplished that while Jimmy missed out. Nick gets the win.

2020 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Arik: $40

Riez: $40

Nick: $40

Jimmy: $40

It took until the end of Week fucking 16 and me literally going after people online, but against all odds every single member of the Epic League has finally paid their dues. The final payments fittingly came right after I had dished out the winnings to Taylor, Gee, and Chriss. It was also a reminder of how lucky I had been over the past two seasons, with my fantasy football success meaning I didn’t have to give you fuckers as much money. With everything happening via Venmo, there’s no box I can keep everyone’s dues anymore. So when I get second or win it all, I don’t win $90 or $350. I simply don’t have to give it away, which does take some of the trill out of winning. But fortunately for the three people mentioned above, they don’t give a fuck about that.

Anyway, let’s all try to be a bit more punctual with the payments. How about everyone ponies up before Week 1? Like that’ll ever happen…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

There are no words. I simply have no words. Just kidding, I have plenty of words.

Just when I think I’ve reached the bottom of the pit of despair, when the Raiders couldn’t possibly be a bigger shitshow, they go out and do this. Before the weekend, I was actually planning on skipping the typical recap in favor of a larger look back on the season and list of what needs to happen in the offseason. But then the Dolphins game happened. 

Now, I’ve been pretty restrained with my criticisms and reactions each week. I’ve made my remarks, but backed them up with evidence and language that was (largely) free of swearing. No more. Fuck this fucking godforesaken team.

HOW IN BOTH THE LIVING AND UNDEAD FUCK DO YOU A) NOT JUST TAKE THE TD IN THE FINAL MINUTE, B) PLAY FOR A FG WHEN IT WILL ONLY PUT YOU UP BY TWO POINTS, AND C) LET MIAMI GET INTO FG POSITION WITH LESS THAN 30 SECONDS LEFT ON ONE — ONE — GODDAMN PLAY? WITH OUR SEASON ON THE LINE? AGAINST A BACKUP QB? IN A GAME WE HAD LARGELY BEEN IN CONTROL OF AND HAD PLENTY OF OTHER CHANCES TO WIN? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?

A wise man once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Apparently Jon Gruden has never read a dictionary or heard of Albert Einstein. As has been pointed out by literally everyone over the past few weeks, the Raiders are in the midst of their second late season collapse in as many years. Last year, the Raiders began the year 6-4 with signature wins over the Chicago Bears and Indianapolis Colts. Just when it seeked the Silver and Black were primed to make a run, the Raiders got their asses handed to them by the New York Jets and finished with losses in five of their final six games, including a blown late lead to the Jacksonville Jaguars in the last game in Oakland. I certainly thought I could never be as embarrassed to be a Raiders fan as I was after that loss. I just may eclipse that mark this season. 

The Raiders moved to Las Vegas in 2020, bringing with them a promising offense, a defense with plenty of holes in it, and fears of an improving division. They then honored Al Davis by drafting the fastest WR and making several defensive signings in free agency. While the offense did get better, the defense somehow got even worse. Even so, the offense was good enough to let the Raiders compete with anyone. Despite big losses to the New England Patriots (which has looked worse and worse ever since) and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Las Vegas was seen as a promising team, with wins over the New Orleans Saints, Kansas City Chiefs, and Cleveland Browns. After a domination of the Denver Broncos, the Raiders came within 30 seconds of sweeping the defending Super Bowl champions, though the defense (particularly the secondary) let them down late. This would prove to be a recurring theme for the 6-4 Raiders. 

Since the Denver domination, the Raiders defense has been completely nonexistent, especially late in games. With the offense slowing down due to injuries and inconsistent play, the Raiders’ points could no longer keep up with the opponents’ points. There was the WTF game in the ass whooping against the Atlanta Falcons and the destruction at the hands of Johnathan Taylor and T.Y. Hilton. There was last week’s heart attack of a loss that saw the Chargers hand the Raiders the win multiple times, Las Vegas declining, and Los Angeles going across the field in like three plays to win. I thought it couldn’t get worse.

But then we had Chargers 2.0 against the Dolphins. A close game early followed by a shit ton of late TDs. Our incredibly consistent K, Daniel Carlson, misses an extra point. Las Vegas falling behind by the defense (which to be fair had been playing well so far) forgetting how to tackle The Raiders were the beneficiaries of a bullshit pass interference call (it’s truly a bizarre year when the refs give the Raiders any help) that should’ve helped put the game away. Josh Jacobs gets ordered to NOT go into the end zone (WTF?!?!?!?!? Are we afraid of being the Atlanta Falcons or something)? Miami gets into FG position with just seconds left on one (again, ONE!!!) play thanks to a long pass and a facemask penalty. While the loss to the Chargers didn’t eliminate the Raiders from the playoffs, it all but dashed their hopes. This loss has completely done them in, as the Raiders will wait another year for their first postseason win since 2002. 

The thing is, I no longer have faith in this core of players or coaching staff of management to make it there. Once can be explained — twice is the beginning of a trend. In 2019, the Raiders had a promising offense, bad defense, and ended the season with a collapse after starting 6-4. In 2020, the offense was even better, the defense was somehow worse, and the 6-4 collapse was arguably even more staggering (Las Vegas would be on a six-game losing streak if not for a miracle, last-second TD to beat the winless Jets). The Raiders will probably end the season with a close loss in Denver — JUST LIKE IN 2019!!! This, despite free agency signings and yet another 1st round pick spent on a DB. You can identify the problems, but unless you can find a proper solution, nothing will change.

Since 2013 (and thankfully I’m skipping 2010 and Rolando McClain), the Raiders have spent seven 1st round draft picks on defensive players. Five have been DBs — D.J. Hayden, Karl Joseph, Gareon Conley, Johnathan Abram, Damon Arnette. The first three are no longer with the team. Abram hits like a truck but is as dumb as one and about as good in coverage. Arnette made me ask “Who?” when he was picked and has either been invisible or injured. Players drafted after all of those names include Eric Reid, Desmond Trufant, Xavier Rhodes, Keanu Neal, Tre’Davious White, T.J. Watt, and Budda Baker. Let’s not forget last year’s decision to spend the fourth overall pick on Clelin Ferrell, who, while definitely improved in 2020, isn’t producing like a Top 5 pick should. Josh Allen, Ed Oliver, Devin Bush, Christian Wilkins, and Rashan Gary were all taken shortly after Ferrell. The only defensive draft pick the Raiders haven’t fucked up in the past 17 years? Khalil Mack in 2014. Do not get me started. The point is, while 1st round picks for offense (Amari Cooper, Josh Jacobs, Kolton Miller, Henry Ruggs) have largely been effective, the Raiders have no ability to draft defensive talent unless a Mack truck falls in their lap. I can’t wait to see which DB that won’t be on the roster in three years we take in 2021.

But the problem goes far beyond simply the talent on the field. Gruden could have the 2007 Patriots offense and 1985 Bears defense and still have the most conservative red zone play calling and overall decision making in the league. When the Raiders were good, even with a shit defense, it was because the offense went balls out and took risks. Think about the win at Arrowhead, when deep bombs and the running game reigned supreme, when instead of trusting the defense to stop the most lethal offense in the NFL Gruden went for it on 4th down and got the win. Compare that to the game against Miami. Conservative play calling all game, especially in the red zone. Playing for a FG  instead of going for the TD in the final minutes. Letting the Dolphins throw it deep while literally giving them a hand with a free 15 yards. Blame Derek Carr all you want (and believe me the whole Carr vs. Marcus Mariota debate is an entirely different kettle of fish). But any QB would struggle with Gruden’s game plan. There’s a reason Gruden hadn’t coached in 10+ years — it seems he still hasn’t caught up to the current game.

The problems are apparent, as are the solutions. Having Tyrell Williams will help free Ruggs,  Nelson Agholor, and Darren Waller even more. Josh Jacobs and the offensive line should heal up and be even better. Wade Phillips (and maybe Mike Zimmer) will be available as a defensive coordinator. But between Gruden’s questionable decision making on and off the field, coupled with Mike Mayock’s inconsistent drafting, I’ll continue to approach being a Raiders fan the same way I do being a Sacramento Kings fan: expect no success and be shocked by anything positive.

Honestly, at this point I wouldn’t take the Raiders against any team from the NFC East, even though that dumpster fire is in contention for the worst division in NFL history. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS (AGAIN)

TOP 10 WORST DIVISIONS IN NFL HISTORY

Of all the potential clinching scenarios going into Week 17, the NFC East division title is by far the one I’m most interested in. Despite no team playing like they want to win the division, one of three teams will clinch the division and earn the right to actually host a playoff game. Funny enough, the Philadelphia Eagles (who led the division for a large part of the early and mid-season) are the only team eliminated from contention, although they will play a big role in deciding who ends up with the division crown. Philadelphia ends the season against the current frontrunner, the 6-9 Washington Football Team, while the 6-9 Dallas Cowboys face the 5-10 New York Giants. While Washington would simply be in the playoffs with a win, a loss opens the door for chaos, with either the Andy Dalton-led Cowboys or the 6-10 Giants going to the postseason. That’s right, we still have a shot to see the first ever ten-loss playoff team.

Regardless, the 2020 NFC East will become the third division in NFL history to be won by a team with a sub-.500 record. But does that mean this year’s NFC East is the worst division the NFL has ever seen? How does it compare to the other two divisions to be won by a losing team? What are some of the other notoriously terrible divisions the NFL has ever seen? Finally, why should whoever plays the 2020 NFC East Champion (probably the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) be worried going into their Wild Card showdown? Let’s answer all of those questions, after we get to some division that just weren’t bad enough to be considered the worst of the worst.

HONORABLE MENTION: 2019 NFC EAST

The seeds for this year’s NFC East trainwreck were sown the year before. In their last season as the Redskins, Washington saw poor play from everyone (especially rookie QB Dwayne Haskins) and finished 3-13. Fellow rookie Daniel Jones replaced Eli Manning as the Giants’ QB, offering a brief glimmer of hope before New York ended the year 4-12. The Dallas Cowboys completely collapsed, ruining a 6-4 start to finish 8-8. Thus, the injured to hell and back Philadelphia Eagles were able to win their last four games (all against divisional foes) to finish in first place at 9-7.

HONORABLE MENTION: 2013 NFC NORTH

The Green Bay Packers were clearly the best NFC North team in 2013, but a lengthy injury to Aaron Rodgers left the door open for other teams. The Detroit Lions were 7-5 and in the driver’s seat, but lost their last four games to finish 7-9. The Minnesota Vikings finished 5-10-1 and didn’t win a road game all year. The Chicago Bears ended up climbing to first place at 8-7, setting up a winner-take-all game with the Packers in Week 17. That’s when a returning Rodgers hit Randall Cobb on a 48-yard TD pass with 38 seconds left to give the 8-7-1 Packers the division title. 

HONORABLE MENTION: 2010 AFC WEST

The 2010 AFC West may not have been the worst division in NFL history, but it was definitely the stupidest. The Oakland Raiders swept the division (including smacking the 4-12 Denver Broncos 59-14), but went 2-8 against the rest of the league, missing the playoffs in historic fashion. The San Diego Chargers might’ve been one of the best teams ever, finishing with the NFL’s No. 1 offense and defense. But an amazingly awful special teams group led to the Chargers finishing 9-7. The Kansas City Chiefs won the division at 10-6, but got destroyed in the Wild Card Round. 

10. 2015 NFC EAST

In 2015, the Rex Ryan-led Buffalo Bills were responsible for 21-percent of all wins by NFC East teams that didn’t come against a divisional opponent. In fact, the division had one of the worst records against non-divisional opponents in NFL history. Part of that was because the Dallas Cowboys lost both Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for significant time, going on a lengthy losing streak and turning a 2-0 start into a 4-12 finish. In what would be Tom Coughlin’s last season in charge, the Giants finished 6-10, losing six games in which they were leading or tied within the final two minutes (only one of those was decided by more than three points). Overturn half of those results and New York would’ve won the division. That honor would go to the Redskins, who won their last four games to finish 9-7. That streak included a division-deciding win over the Eagles that saw Philadelphia fire head coach/GM Chip Kelly (who had made many major moves in the offseason, including trading LeSean McCoy). Washington would not win a playoff game. 

9. 1978 NFC CENTRAL

It’s a truly special achievement for a division to have five teams each finish with a negative point differential. That was the case with the NFC Central in 1978. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers more than doubled their franchise win total going into the season, finishing in last place at 5-11. The Chicago Bears won their first three games and four of their last five, but lost all eight games in between to finish 7-9. The Detroit Lions lost six of their first seven games and a late season charge wasn’t enough to avoid a similar 7-9 fate. But the real story was the Packers and Vikings, who finished tied atop the division with 8-7-1 records. Green Bay got off to a 6-1 start, but then went on an awful six-game stretch that included just one win and one tie. That draw came against Minnesota, bringing both teams to a 7-5-1 record. They each won in Week 14 and lost their final two games. The Vikings, with a 1-0-1 record against the Packers, won the tiebreaker but got killed in the Wild Card Round, in what would be the last game of Fran Tarkenton’s HOF career.   

8. 1985 AFC CENTRAL

The mid 1980’s saw arguably the best years in the history of the Cleveland Browns, with the likes of Bernie Kosar, Earnest Byner, and Ozzie Newsom. But in 1985, they were still putting things together, finishing with a 8-8 record and a negative point differential. Incredibly, that was enough to win the AFC Central that season. You could make the argument that either the Bengals or Steelers, who each finished 7-9 and had positive point differentials, deserved to finish first instead. Pittsburgh was in position to win it at 6-5, but lost four of its final five games, giving up at least 24 points each game. Cincinnati, behind new starting QB Boomer Esiason, set a franchise record by scoring 441 points. But the Bengals caught a case of RAIDERS-20, as the defense let them down in their final two games, both losses. So despite getting blown out in two of their last three games (the exception being the division basement dwellers in the 5-11 Houston Oilers) and losing in the Divisional Round, the Browns got an early start to their post-merger golden age.  

7. 2015 AFC SOUTH

2015 is one of two seasons to see multiple divisions on this list, and for good reason. Where the NFC East was riddled by injuries, the AFC South was just straight up terrible. To be fair, the Indianapolis Colts probably would’ve won the division had Andrew Luck not missed significant time due to injury. But the Colts were 4-5 when Luck went down and finished 8-8. The Tennessee Titans started 1-0 thanks to a stunning debut by No. 2 overall pick Marcus Mariota. They then went 2-13 for the rest of the season and won the rights to the No. 1 pick in the following draft (which they traded to the Los Angeles Rams). The Jacksonville Jaguars were just straight up terrible, finishing 5-11 (which incredibly was an improvement from going 3-13 the year before). Thus, the Houston Texans, led by Bryan Hoyer and Brandon Weeden, took advantage, finishing 5-1 in the division and 9-7 overall to claim the crown and a playoff spot. An ass whooping in the Wild Card round made the Texans so desperate, they gave Brock Osweiler a $72M contract.  

6. 2008 NFC WEST

We have now entered “Any Given Sunday” territory, where these divisions are indisputably awful but the champions achieved postseason success. The greatest example of this came in 2008, when the 9-7 Arizona Cardinals made an incredible run to Super Bowl XLIII. The Cardinals got to the postseason thanks to winning their division for the first time in 33 years. It’s a good thing Arizona played in the NFC West, because they went just 3-7 against the rest of the NFL (that includes a loss to the New England Patriots, who would miss the playoffs despite an 11-5 record). So why were the Cardinals able to go to the playoffs? A 6-0 divisional record, that’s why! The San Francisco 49ers were missing Alex Smith due to injury, but somehow finished 7-9 despite playing J.T. O’Sullivan and Shaun Hill at QB. The Seattle Seahawks majorly regressed, finishing 4-12 in Mike Holmgren’s final season in charge. The St. Louis Rams were straight up garbage, going 2-14 and only avoiding the NFL’s worst record because the winless Detroit Lions existed.

5. 2008 AFC WEST

In 2008, the AFC West was so bad that it forced the NFL to change its draft rules. However, it didn’t look like it would make the “worst division” list with three weeks to go. The Denver Broncos were 8-5 and sitting pretty, having already eliminated the Oakland Raiders (who would win the final two games of the season to finish 5-11) and Kansas City Chiefs (who finished 2-14 yet only got the 3rd pick in the draft due to the two teams mentioned in the previous paragraph). Only the San Diego Chargers, who started the season 4-8, were still mathematically alive. Denver would have to lose out and San Diego would have to win out. Guess what happened? Week 17 ended with a Chargers beatdown of the Broncos on Sunday Night Football, giving both teams an 8-8 record and San Diego the tiebreaker. The Chargers would upset the Indianapolis Colts in the Wild Card Round before bowing out to the eventual Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. But like I said the Chargers’ success led to the NFL changing how the draft order is calculated. 

4. 2011 AFC WEST

I’m still pissed about how the AFC West played out in 2011. Three teams finished 8-8, with the Kansas City Chiefs coming in last at 7-9. The San Diego Chargers started 4-1, ended on a 4-1 run, but lost six straight games in between. The Oakland Raiders beat the Houston Texans with the “Divine Interception” a day after owner Al Davis died. The following week, Jason Campbell suffered a season-ending injury, prompting Oakland to mortgage the future in a trade for Carson Palmer. Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos started 1-4 with Kyle Orton at the helm. Tim Tebow was inserted at QB and sparked a run. Despite some late losses, the Broncos and Raiders were tied at 8-7 going into Week 17. Denver fell to the Chiefs (now led by Orton, who the Broncos waived earlier). But the Raiders couldn’t take advantage, losing to the Chargers. Denver, San Diego, and Oakland were all 8-8, but the Broncos won on tie breakers. They then beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Wild Card Round on Tebow’s famous pass to Demaryius Thomas in OT.  

3. 2014 NFC SOUTH

One of my favorite NFL facts is that the Carolina Panthers have never had consecutive winning seasons, yet were the first team to repeat as NFC South winners (and win the division three times in a row). In between getting the No. 2 seed in 2013 and reaching Super Bowl L in 2015, Carolina became the second losing team to make the playoffs. Everyone the division experienced shitty seasons in 2014 (especially the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who finished 2-14). Carolina didn’t win for nearly two months (that stretch included a tie with the Cincinnati Bengals), and were 3-8-1 at one point. Atlanta had a five-game losing streak of its own, while New Orleans suffered from a Raiders-esque defense. All three teams were still in contention in Week 16, when the Falcons beat the Saints and set up a winner-take-all showdown  between the 6-9 Falcons and 6-8-1 Panthers. Carolina won in Week 17, won the division at 7-8-1, and actually won a playoff game (to be fair, they were playing the Ryan Lindley-led Arizona Cardinals in the Wild Card Round).

2. 2010 NFC WEST

Breaking ground in terms of futility, the 2010 NFC West was the first division in NFL history to send a team with a losing record to the playoffs. All four teams were truly terrible, with none posting a point difference better than -39. Despite a 3-2 start, the Arizona Cardinals lost seven straight games and finished 5-11. The San Francisco 49ers began 0-5, but rallied to 5-9 to remain in playoff contention. That’s because the St. Louis Rams and Seattle Seahawks had only put together 6-8 records at that point. In a Week 16 eliminator, the Rams beat the 49ers, who fired head coach Mike Singletary and finished with a 6-10 record. That set up a winner-take-all showdown with the Seahawks, who had lost three in a row (including a defeat to San Francisco) and five of their past six games. Naturally, Seattle beat St. Louis, ending both seasons at 7-9 and winning out on tiebreakers. All the Seahawks did in the playoffs was eliminate the defending Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints with the Beast Quake in the Wild Card Round.  

1. 2020 NFC EAST

I waited until there was no chance of a .500 winner before putting this list together. While the ultimate fate of the 2020 NFC East won’t be decided for a few days, I think it’s safe to put it as the worst division in NFL history. Every team has seemingly been hit by a perfect storm of crucial injuries, terrible play, and meme-able moments. Each also has a signature win (Washington over the Pittsburgh Steelers, New York over the Seattle Seahawks, Philadelphia over the New Orleans Saints) or made a signature comeback (Dallas against the Atlanta Falcons). But what makes the shithousery of this division so special is that it comes in 2020, the biggest clusterfuck of a year on record. How will 2021 begin? Will a nameless team with a cancer survivor head coach and one-normal-legged QB defy the odds and make the playoffs? Will the Andy Dalton renaissance end with a postseason berth? Will Daniel Jones lead the first ten-loss division winner in NFL history? I can’t wait to find out. Also, whoever wins will probably also win a playoff game because why not.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 31, 1967, one of the NFL’s most iconic moments cemented a dynasty and marked the end of an era, all in beyond frigid temperatures. Going into that weekend, everyone considered the NFL Championship Game between the two-time defending champion Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys to be the real Super Bowl. Vince Lombardi’s Packers had edged out Tom Landry’s Cowboys the prior year, before destroying the AFL Champion Kansas City Chiefs in the first Super Bowl. The rematch was to be played in Green Bay, which had some people worried. A cold front was expected and Pete Rozelle considered moving the game back a day. But he was told by NFL executives that the colder weather would be on Monday, not Sunday. However, the cold front came early. The gametime temperature at Lambeau Field was -15 °F, with an average windchill of -36 °F, which remains the coldest for any game in NFL history. It was so cold that the referees couldn’t use their whistles after the opening kickoff, when the metal from the whistle stuck to Norm Schachter’s lips and caused a cut (which froze over instead of forming a scab. For the rest of the game, the referees simply shouted to signal the end of a play of a penalty. To make matters worse, Lambeau’s brand new field heating system (which Lombardi had a hand in bringing in) malfunctioned, leaving moisture on the field when the tarp was removed. That moisture froze up quickly, turning the playing field into an icy surface and giving the game a perfect name: the Ice Bowl. As for the game itself, it became a literal war of attrition. Green Bay took an early 14-0 lead on two Bart Starr passes to Boyd Dowler, while Dallas’ offense struggled to get going. That might’ve been partially Bob Hayes’ fault. It was so cold that on non-pass plays, Hayes tucked his hands into his pants to keep them warm, unintentionally letting the Packers know they didn’t have to cover him. But the Cowboys’ Doomsday Defense lived up to its name, first returning a Starr fumble for a TD then recovering a muffed punt to give Dallas a FG just before halftime. While neither team could get going in the 3rd quarter, the first play of the 4th quarter saw Dallas take a 17-14 lead on a 50-yard halfback option TD pass. The Packers missed a FG, but had one last drive with five minutes remaining. Green Bay went all the way to the one-yard line, but Donny Anderson was stuffed twice in a row. With no timeouts left and just 16 seconds left, OG Jerry Kramer laid a perfect block for Starr to sneak the ball in, giving the Packers a dramatic 21-17 win. Green Bay would go on to win Super Bowl II, ending the Lombardi era. It was also the end of NFL dominance, as the AFL won the final two Super Bowls before the merger. Funny enough, the Ice Bowl isn’t the only legendary NFL playoff game played on New Year’s Eve that was impacted by unusual weather.

On December 31, 1988, an act of god transformed a highly-anticipated grudge match into one of the most memorable playoff games in NFL history. Going into their NFC Divisional Round battle, there was already plenty of bulletin board material between the Chicago Bears and Philadelphia Eagles. The biggest headline was the head coach matchup of Mike Ditka and his former defensive coordinator, Buddy Ryan, who weren’t exactly on Christmas card terms with each other. One example: upon his team’s arrival to Chicago, Ryan had the Eagles’ buses circle Soldier Field while honking their horns to try to send a message (Andy Reid would be appalled). But it was the Bears who started off with a roar, scoring on a 64-yard TD from Mike Tomczak to Dennis McKinnon, which was followed by a missed Eagles FG. While a Tomczak INT set up Philadelphia deep in Bears territory, two penalties by Anthoney Toney forced the Eagles to settle for a FG. Another kick cut the lead to 7-6 in the 2nd quarter, but Chicago answered with Neal Anderson TD. After a punt, a Bears FG made it 17-6 with just about two minutes left before halftime. It was around this time that things began to get a little spooky. Earlier in the quarter, a fog had begun to roll onto the field. At first it was your typical fog, but it just kept coming, enveloping the field in a thick cloud. I did not edit the photo above — that’s what conditions were really like. Think the New England Patriots-Atlanta Falcons fog game from a few years ago, except like ten times worse. Visibility was so bad, the players could barely see each other, virtually nothing could be seen from the sidelines or broadcast booth, and the CBS helicopter providing aerial coverage had to land due to safety concerns. Philadelphia managed to kick a FG to make it 17-9 at the break, but the fog had put the rest of the game in doubt. Because the fog posed no danger to anyone at the stadium, the NFL left it up to head referee Jim Tunney (who also worked the Ice Bowl, along with The Catch, The Fumble, and the Snowball Game) to determine whether or not to suspend the game. Tunney turned to Dikta and Ryan, who were in rare agreement that the game should continue. So for the rest of the game, the Bears and Eagles played in conditions that limited visibility to 10-20 feet at best, with fans and commentators pretty much unable to tell what was happening. Tunney took it upon himself to announce the down and distance before each play. Neither offense found the back of the end zone again, as Chicago held on to win the Fog Bowl 20-12. Randall Cunningham finished as the only QB to throw for over 400 yards and not get a TD in a playoff game since the merger. The Eagles to this day insist they would’ve won without the fog, in spite of their mistakes. In fact, that pesky fog evaporated shortly after the final whistle. But for that brief part of the day, mother nature decided to create an NFL playoff experience that may never happen again.  

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2019 — The World Health Organization is informed of cases of pneumonia with an unknown cause (detected in Wuhan, China), which later turns out to be COVID-19.
• 2017 — The Cleveland Browns lose to the Pittsburgh Steelers 28-24 to fall to 0-16 and become the third winless team in NFL history.
• 2009 — Both a blue moon and a lunar eclipse occur.
• 2004 — Taipei 101, the tallest skyscraper at that time in the world, opens.
• 1999 — The first President of Russia, Boris Yeltsin, resigns from office, leaving Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as the acting president.
• 1992 — Czechoslovakia is peacefully dissolved, resulting in the creation of the Czech Republic and the Slovak Republic.
• 1983 — The AT&T Bell System is broken up by the U.S. Government.
• 1970 — Five people, including Pittsburgh Pirates star outfielder Roberto Clemente, are killed in a plane crash on the way to Nicaragua to deliver disaster aid.
• 1967 — The Oakland Raiders defeat the Houston Oilers 40-7 in the AFL Championship Game.
• 1963 — The Central African Federation officially collapses, subsequently becoming Zambia, Malawi and Rhodesia.
• 1962 — Match Game debuts.
• 1961 — The Green Bay Packers defeat the New York Giants 37-0 in the NFL Championship Game.
• 1955 — General Motors becomes the first U.S. corporation to make over $1B in a year.
• 1946 — President Harry Truman officially proclaims the end of hostilities in World War II.
• 1907 — The first New Year’s Eve celebration is held in Times Square (then known as Longacre Square).
• 1879 — Thomas Edison demonstrates incandescent lighting to the public for the first time.
• 1878 — Karl Benz files for a patent on his first reliable two-stroke gas engine.
• 1857 — Queen Victoria chooses Ottawa as the capital of Canada.
• 1796 — Baltimore is incorporated as a city.
• 1759 — Arthur Guinness signs a 9,000-year lease at £45 per annum and starts brewing Guinness.
• 1600 — The British East India Company is chartered.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1995 — Gabby Douglas, Olympics gold medal-winning gymnast.
• 1981 — Jason Campbell, former NFL QB.
• 1977 — Park Jae-Seng, rapper/singer best known as PSY and the creator of “Gangnam Style.”
• 1977 — Donald Trump Jr., asshole named after his asshole father.
• 1971 — Brent Barry, former NBA player.
• 1965 — Nicholas Sparks, novelist whose romance works (including The Notebook) have been adapted into movies.
• 1959 — Val Kilmer, actor best known for his roles in Top Secret!, Top Gun, Tombstone, Heat, Batman Forever, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
• 1943 — Ben Kingsley, longtime award-winning actor best known for a lot of things.
• 1943 — John Denver, singer/songwriter who is not full of shit.
• 1941 — Alex Ferguson, the GOAT soccer manager best known for his many legendary, title-winning years in charge of Manchester United.
• 1937 — Anthony Hopkins, actor/director best known as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs and Dr. Robert Ford in Westworld.

DEATHS:

• 1990 — George Allen, former NFL head coach.
• 1972 — Roberto Clemente, HOF right fielder.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Champagne Day! This may be a controversial opinion, but I cannot stand the taste of champagne. You know how I never partake in mimosas or do so with a shit ton of orange juice? Yeah, this is why. Don’t worry, Taylor’s popping enough champagne this week for all of us.

THE BEST STORY IN MY SHOW

BROWNS SUPERFAN 1 OF 6 FINALISTS TO BE INDUCTED INTO ‘HALL OF FANS’

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio –Ray Prisby is one of six finalists to be added to the Hall of Fans at the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

It’s a collection of everything that is orange and brown. Prisby has accumulated thousands upon thousands of items.

“Started as a kid collecting football cards,” he said.

His passion was rejuvenated as an adult when he went to a sports memorabilia show.

Prisby’s helmet collection dates back to the original 1946 model and includes the first orange helmet that the Browns were told would show up better on TV when they started playing night games in the ’50s.

Prisby remembers going to the stadium as a kid and games in the 1960s when they would pass out a bobblehead.

“But the thing about those bobbleheads is you would mount them on your dashboard and they would bobble around for a couple weeks and then they would just fall apart,” he said.

Now, he owns every Cleveland Browns bobblehead imaginable, including some 3 feet high.

READ MORE

This poor goddamn bastard. Think about the dedication this guy has shown over the past several decades to the Cleveland Browns. Now imagine the heartbreak and sorrow he must’ve endured watching his team lose, get so close to greatness, leave, return as a shell of itself, and become a whipping boy for their arch rivals (including their former selves). For his sake (and Browns fans in general) I sincerely hope Cleveland doesn’t fuck it up this weekend and makes the playoffs.

All of that said, this dude needs to get laid. There’s no way in hell a woman would let him keep all of that gear, let alone display it throughout the house. This is a clear example of the amount of sports items adorning your shelves and walls being comparable to your overall lack of success with the opposite sex.

(looks at all the sports memorabilia in my room)

Uh… perhaps it’s time for some redecorating… maybe as a New Year’s resolution.

ONE LAST THING

(cue theme music 3)

Someday, if I ever manage to successfully trick a woman into marrying me and having my children, I’ll tell my kids about the horror that was 2020. So much shit happened that we forget even took place. Kobe Bryant and his daughter (and seven others) died in a helicopter crash. There was a presidential impeachment (and acquittal). Australia and California caught fire. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Alex Trebek, and Chadwick Boseman died. Murder hornets arrived. Even the racial justice and police brutality protests that followed George Floyd’s death and the historic, contentious 2020 Presidential Election take a backseat to the pandemic.

I began 2020 with plenty of ambition. After reaching 10 MLB stadiums in 2019, I was dead set on getting to the halfway mark this year, starting in St. Louis on a weekend that also featured marquee NHL and XFL matchups. I was going to end the stadium tour in Atlanta while going to my friend’s wedding (that part was the only thing that actually happened). I was also probably going to attend at least one Raiders game during their first season in Las Vegas. Most importantly, I was going to resume my international voyage, taking in Australia and New Zealand then beginning preparations for South America and Antarctica the following year. Instead, most of that fell completely by the waste side. While I’m hopeful I can at least do the international stuff in 2021, I will forever lament the lost year of adventure, the year I was instead stuck at home, unable to go anywhere or do anything with my friends, unless we were six feet apart or talking over Zoom. The year I was forced to remain stagnant.

Now I know a lot of what was said in that paragraph is a lot of First World problems, which they are. There are thousands, if not millions, of people who lost their jobs, homes, or lives during the pandemic. I’m fortunate to have my health, my family, and my job. However, 2020 couldn’t go away without one last kick in the balls. Yesterday, I was informed that one of my coworkers tested positive for COVID-19. Through contact tracing I was one of the people identified as having possibly been exposed to the virus. I am not allowed to return to work for ten days, or until the second full week of January. During that time, I have to essentually isolate myself in my room, unless it’s to go get tested (which I’m planning to do Sunday). Thus, I end the year that began with so much ambition stuck in my room for a week and a half.

Through all of this, these newsletters have been a fantastic outlet for my emotions and distraction from the challenges of the real world. The sports shutdown was so crazy that I did monthly newsletters in the offseason (spoiler alert: that’s not happening in 2021). There was so much uncertainty surrounding the NFL season that I had to think of a backup plan (that you guys barely voted on). Keeping track of my team and these newsletters over the past four months have given me something to look forward to that’s not going to work or the store, which are like 90% of all the places I’ve been to this year. I started these newsletters as a way to entertain all of you and make this league as memorable as possible. This year, I ended up getting something back that was quite possibly more valuable than the $350 and trophy I got last year. What’s more, you guys actually returned the favor.

No matter what 2020 has brought us, we can get through it as long as we have each other. Thanks for another fantastic fantasy football season. I will bring news of another trophy and last place punishments within the coming weeks. The ambition I began the year with has returned, although in a different light. Let’s make 2021 our bitch. Success will return next year, which will end with me getting my trophy back.

See you all next year!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness