Ruben's Writings

Y’all motherfuckers thought I was done, didn’t you? Well, so did I!

It seemed fitting that during a year that spawned a monthly offseason newsletter series and a historic season to mark the Epic League turning a decade old, I wrap things up with one more edition for the final game of the season. With the pandemic still a thing, we can’t hang out in person together for the big game. I also want to provide another outlet for Raiders fans to voice their frustrations over the two teams who made the championship clash. 

So without further ado, let’s get to the only thing everyone’s talking about: Super Bowl LV.

(cue theme music)

SUPER BOWL LV PREVIEW

After an unprecedented season that many didn’t think we’d make it through, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs square off in a Super Bowl of unprecedented hype. A generational matchup between the reigning GOAT and a young challenger to the throne will either see the NFL’s next dynasty emerge or the first ever team to win a championship in its home stadium. The biggest names and faces battle in a sea of red for the right to…
… man… I can’t do this anymore.

You’ve heard the expression “choosing between the lesser of two evils” before, especially during last year’s election. I feel it’s often used as an excuse by people who have to pick between two things when not completely in love with either of them. There are more likely than not enough reasons to greatly prefer one option over the other. For example, working weekends vs. working overnight. I hate working weekends, but would do so in a heartbeat if I had to pick between that and going back to my morning show schedule. There’s always a way to find the good one way or the other when it comes to these decisions.

However, that’s not the case here. Trying to pick who I’d want to win Super Bowl LV is, for me, trying to decide which is the least worst result. It’s like trying to decide who’s the least offensive third world dictator or whether I’d like to see good things happen to Dolores Umbridge or Nurse Ratched or whether to watch every movie in the Alien franchise or every episode of the Bachelor/Bachelorette on repeat. These are two evils and one of them is going to win the ultimate prize. The reason I feel this way? Simple, I’m a Raiders fan. I fucking hate both of these teams.

In the red corner, we have the Chiefs, one of the Raiders’ three eternal AFC West enemies. With these two teams (along with the Denver Broncos and Los Angeles Chargers) being in the same division since its inception in the AFL. Kansas City however is the only AFC West team to have a winning record against the Raiders, which of course doesn’t help with the hatred. Seeing them struggle to even win a playoff game brought joy to the Silver and Black. Unfortunately, the title drought ended last season, which was bad enough. But with one more win, the Chiefs will pull even with the Raiders in terms of Super Bowl wins. The Silver and Black have had the edge in that category (and thus an answer to the overall win/loss record) for the past 40 years. Losing that will be brutal. It doesn’t help that this version of the Chiefs are turning into assholes, taking after Travis Kelce being the sorest winner in maybe the entire NFL. During the brief moments he’s not being sucked off by every commentator/analyst in the media, Pat Mahomes is appearing in literally every TV commercial. Let’s not forget the fact that Tyreek Hill. Frank Clark, and now assistant coach Britt Reid are genuinely terrible human beings. All of this would make the NFC champion my automatic rooting choice for the Super Bowl. Literally any other year.

In the (other) red corner, we have the Buccaneers, who are seemingly built to piss off the Raiders. The fact that Tampa Bay blew the doors off the Silver and Black with our current (and technically former) head coach is like the last thing on the reasons I hate them, which is insane. The Buccaneers represent two aspects of sports I cannot stand. The first is the players jumping to one particular team just to ring chase. It’s like the Lebron James-Era Miami Heat or anyone who goes to the los angeles lakers. Tampa Bay already had Mike Evans, Chris Codwin, and Ronald Jones. But no, they had to add Rob Gronkowski, Leonard Fournette, and LeSean McCoy, along with some defensive talent as well. All of this to appease Tom Brady, who literally cannot stop reaching Super Bowls and whose entire success was built off being awarded a victory thanks to bullshit refereeing at the expense of the Raiders. The second is rewarding players who are terrible people, but have talent. There is no more perfect example than Antonio Brown, a selfish, sociopathic asshole who may genuinely have brain damage but can catch footballs well. That’s why Brady fell in love with him and insisted on bringing an awful human and proven locker room cancer to his team. Now both are 60 minutes away from winning the Super Bowl.

No matter how much I beg, plead, hope, or lament that the Cleveland Browns couldn’t stop Chad fucking Henne on 3rd and 14 or the Green Bay Packers couldn’t take advantage of three Brady INTs and kicked a FG when down by eight, either the Chiefs or Buccaneers will win the Super Bowl. Assholes will be given jewelry and immortalized as champions. I can’t stand it and I can’t be asked to go in-depth on this matchup. It’s like wiping your ass with sandpaper, except going slowly and analyzing the roughness of the material and how much you’re bleeding. You want some Super Bowl analysis? Here: the game will come down to the Buccaneers’ ability to pressure and get to Mahomes. Whether or not they succeed makes no difference to my mood — I’ll be pissed off either way. No matter what happens on the field, I will hate it.

Now in every other season, I would be able to drink away my sorrows with my fellow Raiders fans at the Super Bowl party. We’d be able to bitch together while still enjoying each other’s company and, most importantly, drinking alcohol. But because of the goddamn coronavirus we can’t hang out in large groups. I also don’t want any of us to get increased exposure. This means literally the one potential positive aspect of the Super Bowl is not an option. So my Super Bowl experience is set to be watching two teams I hate play for a championship while I drink by myself in my room.

When I realized this, I had one reaction: fuck this.

I don’t have a single good reason to watch this game. Yeah, it’s football. But no result will bring me even a shred of happiness. I don’t love football that much. I won’t even be able to see my friends, which takes literally every other positive aspect of Super Bowl Sunday away. I’ve got enough negative shit brewing in my life. I don’t need to add to my misery.

So for the first time since I started following football, I will not be watching the Super Bowl. Super Bowl LV will be the first since Super Bowl XXVI (which happened before I was born) that I will not physically be in the presence of a TV that’s showing the game. I have come to terms with this.

What will I do during the game? I don’t know exactly. What do non-sports fans do? I’ve consulted with people who don’t care about football, who told me I can do things like clean my room, get a head start on my taxes, go to church, volunteer at a non-profit, or make progress on diagnosing and fixing my mental health problems. None of these seem like fun options. I will most likely spend a good portion of the game taking my anger out on the remainder of the fallen branches that litter my backyard with the help of my recently-purchased chainsaw. I also unironically have been looking forward to reading some books I have on my shelf. 

I could also start properly planning my trip to Canton.

ABOUT GODDAMN TIME

WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Pro Football Hall of Fame’s biggest wrong has finally — fucking finally — been righted. After waiting for far longer than he deserved to, Tom Flores has been inducted into the Hall of Fame. When Flores was announced as the sole coaching nominee, I wrote a lengthy piece about why he should have been in decades ago. While I won’t repeat myself, just know that I was far from the only one advocating for Flores’ induction. Raiders fans, Hispanic sports fans, and NorCal sports fans (wow no wonder I love this so much) will all have more representation at football’s hall of fame with Flores involved.

While Flores seemed to be a lock once he was revealed as the only coaching nominee, there was another Raiders icon who seemed to be a lock on his first try. 

While Flores had to wait nearly three decades to be inducted into the HOF, Charles Woodson got in on his first try — and rightfully so. Woodson is one of the most decorated defensive players in NFL history and a man beloved by the Silver and Black. He became one of my favorite players during his first sting with the Raiders and is one of the few athletes whose jerseys I own. I was nervous given the NFL’s hatred of all things Raiders that he wouldn’t make it in right away. But I guess he stayed with the Green Bay Packers long enough to get some of their juju. 

Fun fact: Flores retired from coaching three years before Woodson won the Heisman Trophy. But both getting the call wasn’t even the end of the Raiders’ good news over the weekend. Violator (real name Wayne Mabry), a notable and beloved member of the Black Hole, was inducted into the Ford Hall of Fans and will get his own spot in Canton.

With three inductions set for this summer, Raider Nation is set to take over Canton during Hall of Fame weekend. Between that, other inductees like Peyton Manning and Calvin Johnson, and the fact that due to the pandemic both the Class of 2020 and 2021 will be involved in proceedings, this is going to make for a time unlike any other at the Hall of Fame. I can’t miss that, can I?

That’s right, Dad and I are officially going to Canton for the enshrinement of the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s Class of 2021. What ultimately pushed the decision over the top for me was not just that two Raiders icons are being inducted at once, or that one of them is one of my favorite football players ever and the other is Tom fucking Flores. It’s that Flores is an inspiration to people of color — specifically Hispanic people — and he deserves to be shown that love. Flores is a hard-working, soft-spoken man who doesn’t beat his chest despite his incredible accomplishments. Flores grew up in the Fresno area and shagged fly balls whenever his dad and his friends (including a guy named Ruben Steven Dominguez, whose great-grandson was named after him) played baseball. He graduated from the University of the Pacific (Go Tigers!) and did all of what he did in pro football as a Hispanic man, becoming a cultural icon. Flores never deserved to wait this long for pro football’s highest honor. So when that man — who I see so much of myself in, have a personal connection to, and enjoy the success he had with my favorite team — finally takes the stage, puts on his gold jacket, and gives his speech, I want to be a part of the crowd cheering him on and helping him make sure that wait was worth it.

And so should all of you Raiders fans. This is a call — join me and my dad and go to Canton. Whenever are we going to get another great Hall of Fame weekend for Raiders fans? We’d have to bank on the Raiders somehow getting their shit together and winning a Super Bowl to have several team members get called up. Maybe guys like Josh Jacobs and Maxx Crosby can get in? But even then, they won’t be the primary attraction. It’ll probably be someone like Deshaun Watson, who might not go in as a member of the Houston Texans.

WHAT ARE THE TEXANS DOING?

I was originally going to make this section a “Super Bowl of Sucking” and include the Philadelphia Eagles, who have an expensive and disgruntled QB, and a GM who has somehow survived four different head coaches, and a new coach who physically can’t speak to the media. But even with as much of a dumpster fire the Eagles appear to be, no team can match the sheer raging acridity that is the Houston Texans.

Remember back when I wrote about the Texans shockingly firing their communications chief, who was widely respected by the players and people around the league? Turns out, that was just the beginning of the current nightmare that has engulfed the franchise.

Over the past year, the Texans have blown a 24-0 lead in the AFC Divisional Round (in just one quarter no less), traded one of the best WRs in the NFL for peanuts, fired the head coach/GM who made the trade just four games into the season, had their worst season in seven years (Houston also finished 4-12 in 2017, but lost Deshaun Watson to a torn ACL after a 3-3 record as starter), fired one of the most beloved PR figures in the NFL, seen one of the most reviled and manipulative executives (featured in one of the most shocking and illuminating Sports Illustrated articles I’ve ever read) reach unimaginable power within the organization, piss off the franchise QB to the point of him demanding a trade by hiring a former New England Patriots exec as GM and a first time head coach who’s best known for being the WRs coach of the only team in NFL history to not have a WR TD all season, and become the laughing stock of football (even more so than the goddamn New York Jets). What’s more, their owner believes nothing is wrong. Oh, and their 1st and 2nd round draft picks belong to other teams. 

I do not blame Deshaun Watson for wanting to get the hell out of town, even though he did sign a contract last year (fuck you Brett Favre). Unfortunately, it seems the Texans are content on not trading their franchise QB. What’s more, even if they want to play ball, their insane demands might push away even the most serious of potential partners. The only ones who could potentially offer something realistic are the Jets and Miami Dolphins, who ironically have those Texans picks. Honestly, if anything’s gonna happen, it’s gotta happen before the draft. There’s no way Houston would take anything after that. Here’s hoping Watson gets out of there and goes to anyone but the Denver Broncos.

Man, and I thought the Raiders were a dumpster fire.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

It’s been more than a month since the Raiders concluded their first season in Las Vegas. So far, that month has arguably been a bigger shitshow than the entire second half of the 2020 season.

Ignoring the whole “either one of our biggest rivals or the team that beat us in the Super Bowl and employs both the QB whose dynasty came at our expense and the WR who disgraced himself out of Oakland” thing, the Raiders have done plenty to bring sadness to their fans. Not even one day into the offseason, Josh Jacobs was arrested after a DUI crash after returning from Las Vegas’ season finale win over the Denver Broncos. This was the first ever negative incident involving Jacobs, but it was a bad one. I will never comprehend how star, millionaire athletes refuse to get a team-provided ride or even a goddamn uber and always insist on driving drunk. It’s mind fucking numbing and I can’t believe someone like Jacobs did that. 

Apparently Jacobs wasn’t the only person in the Raiders drunk on the job. After Las Vegas hired Gus Bradley as defensive coordinator, the social media announcement featured an image of Ken Whisenhunt instead. I mean… hey Raiders hire me to run your social media! I promise I won’t make that unbelievable of a fuck up. As for the actual hire, I think Bradley is perfectly mediocre. His time with the Seattle Seahawks put him on the map, but his disastrous tenure in charge of the Jacksonville Jaguars soured many. As the Los Angeles Chargers’ defensive coordinator, Bradley led a team that was good in terms of yards per game but terrible in points allowed. Given how the Chargers were known for blowing late leads, he’ll fit right in. But seriously even though Bradley seems like an average higher at best, I will absolutely take an average defense. If the 2020 Raiders had an average defense, they would’ve finished 11-5 and probably won a playoff game.

But of course the talk of Raider Nation (apart from Colin Cowherd’s trade proposal for Deshaun Watson that’s so absolutely moronic I won’t even link it) is on the locker room atmosphere after the Miami Dolphins debacle. Maxx Crosby (who is a fucking warrior) confirmed a lot of what Vic Tafur reported about Nelson Agholor’s outburst after the game, when he called out teammates who had seemingly given up and urged people to take accountability. I never thought I’d say this, but Agholor was a fantastic signing and I want him back on the team next year. This only adds to that desire, because I love seeing guys actually give a shit about the team. He balled the fuck out in that game as well, so I can understand why he’d be pissed off. Still, this brings back some painful memories and angry writings in newsletters past. 

Anyway, I’m adding “resign Nelson Agholor” to the list of offseason must-do’s for Mike Mayock, along with “spend every draft pick on a defensive player.” But at least the Raiders of all teams will be one of the few not looking to get a new QB… at least I hope. 

REVVING UP THE QB CAROUSEL

Man, this offseason’s gonna be nuts, isn’t it?

Due to a combination of various factors, the majority of teams in the NFL could have a different signal caller under center next season. Two of those QBs are now directly tied to each other, after Matthew Stafford and Jared Goff were traded for each other. To be honest, I believe this is one of the rare win-win trades. Stafford — held back by being a member of the Detroit Lions — has still been one of the better QBs in the league. Now, with a much stronger offense and arguably the best defense in football, we can see Stafford at his full potential. The Rams have suddenly jumped to the rank of Super Bowl contender, with an even tougher Los Angeles team making the NFC West even more insane. As for Detroit, they get to go into rebuilding mode with a pissed off and motivated QB eager to prove himself. If it all works out, the Lions use that draft capital to reload while Goff gets his groove back.

This is extremely unlikely to be the last major deal involving a star QB. Just in the past week, the San Francisco 49ers have reportedly offered Jimmy Garoppolo and multiple picks for Kirk Cousins, the Chicago Bears and Indianapolis Colts are discussing a trade for Carson Wentz (which could see Nick Foles going back to the Philadelphia Eagles for a third time), and there have been a million and a half rumors involving Deshaun Watson (he’s not going to the Raiders) and Dak Prescott. Meanwhile, the Jacksonville Jaguars and New York Jets are expected to take QBs with the first two picks in the upcoming draft, the New England Patriots and Washington Football Team will look different next year, and the Carolina Panthers, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Denver Broncos may be looking to the future. Then, there are the New Orleans Saints.

One of the NFL’s great QB careers appears to have finally reached its end. Drew Brees rarely looked like his old self all season, with the defense (of all things) and running game really leading New Orleans to the No. 2 seed. Brees was a shell of himself against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which more than likely was his last game, as evidenced by Brees giving one last forlorn look to the field and the whole interaction with Tom Brady after the game. With one notable exception, Brees’ best years with the Saints were largely wasted with terrible defenses and little running game. So many playoff choke jobs in recent years have resulted in Brees making only one Super Bowl in his legendary career. Still, five years from now, Brees — like the man he beat in Super Bowl XLIV — will hear his name called for induction in Canton. 

Oh yeah and fuck Philip Rivers.

Anyway, let’s go back to that big game 11 years ago.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On February 7, 2010, the Big Easy completed its incredible rejuvenation with the first ever major professional sports championship in the history of Louisiana. Four and a half years before Super Bowl XLIV kicked off, Hurricane Katrina devastated the Bayou State, killing over 1,800 people and causing $125B in damage. The city of New Orleans was hit particularly hard, with the Saints not escaping the damage. The Louisiana Superdome was so badly damaged, the Saints were forced to play the 2005 season on the road, finishing 3-13. So no one could’ve expected what came in the following season. Led by new QB Drew Brees and new head coach Sean Payton, New Orleans had its most successful season ever, reaching the franchise’s first ever NFC Championship, where they lost to the Chicago Bears. Three years later, the Saints started off 13-0, took the next step, and made their first Super Bowl. Their opponent: the very team that beat the Bears in the big game three years prior. The Indianapolis Colts, led by future HOF QB Peyton Manning, had bested the Saints by starting 14-0 en route to their second Super Bowl in four years. This matchup was hyped up as an all-time showdown between Brees and Manning, but the latter had the edge early. Manning led two scoring drives in the 1st quarter, with a TD to Pierre Garcon giving Indianapolis a 10-0 lead just before the end of the first frame. New Orleans was able to respond with a FG, but their following drive ended with a failed 4th and Goal attempt. However, the Saints were able to keep the Colts from running out the clock, allowing their offense to get the ball back and put Garrett Hartley in position to make it 10-6 going into halftime. Indianapolis was set to get the ball to start the 3rd quarter, but New Orleans decided to execute the most unexpected, ballsiest play in Super Bowl history: an onside kick to begin the second half. The Saints were able to recover the ball and subsequently take a 13-10 lead on a TD pass to Pierre Thomas. Unfazed, Manning led the Colts right down the field, with Joseph Addai answering back with a TD run to make it 17-13. After Hartley made it 17-16, Indianapolis looked prime to respond with a FG of their own. But Matt Stover missed a 51-yard kick, giving New Orleans prime field position. The Saints took advantage, with Brees first finding Jeremy Shockey for a TD, then Lance Moore on a crazy close two-point conversion to put New Orleans up 24-17 with just under six minutes left to play. Manning looked primed to march the Colts down the field and tie the game. Instead, Manning threw an INT to Tracy Porter, who took it back 74 yards for a TD and the game’s second all-time iconic moment. This was too much for Indianapolis to overcome, with New Orleans claiming their first ever Lombardi Trophy 31-17. Brees was named Super Bowl MVP and it seemed the future was full of chances to get another ring. But Super Bowl XLIV would end up being the only title game Brees would ever reach. Still, at least Brees and the Saints can look back fondly on this day 11 years ago. Fun fact: this was the last to feature a unique logo. Every one since then has featured the generic silver logo/number design. I miss these original designs.

THIS DAY IN MUCH LESS RELEVANT NEWS:

• 2016 — The Carolina Panthers lose Super Bowl L, 24-10.
• 2013 — Mississippi officially certifies the 13th Amendment, becoming the last state to approve the abolition of slavery.
• 1998 — The AFC defeats the NFC 23-10 in the Pro Bowl.
• 1998 — The Winter Olympics open in Nagano, Japan.
• 1992 — The AFC defeats the NFC 23-20 in OT in the Pro Bowl.
• 1992 — The Maastricht Treaty is signed, leading to the creation of the European Union.
• 1987 — The AFC defeats the NFC 15-6 in the Pro Bowl.
• 1984 — Astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert Stewart make the first untethered space walk using the Manned Maneuvering Unit.
• 1979 — Pluto moves inside Neptune’s orbit for the first time since either was discovered.
• 1976 — Darryl Sittler sets an NHL record with ten points in a 11-4 win against the Boston Bruins.
• 1962 — The U.S. bans all Cuban imports and exports.
• 1958 — The Dodgers officially become the LA Dodgers.
• 1940 — The second full-length animated Walt Disney film, Pinocchio, premieres.
• 1914 — Charlie Chaplin’s iconic character, “The Tramp” debuts in Kid Auto Races at Venice.
• 1900 — A Chinese immigrant in San Francisco falls ill to bubonic plague in the first plague epidemic in the continental U.S.
• 1795 — The 11th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which restricts the ability of individuals to bring suit against states in federal court, is ratified.

BIRTHDAYS:

• 1990 — Steven Stamkos, Stanley Cup Champion center for the Tampa Bay Lightning.
• 1978 — Ashton Kutcher, actor known for a lot of things.
• 1974 — Steve Nash, former NBA MVP and Brooklyn Nets head coach.
• 1973 — Juwan Howard, NBA champion and Michigan basketball head coach.
• 1965 — Chris Rock, actor/comedian who’s done a lot of stuff.
• 1962 — Eddie Izzard, actor/activist.
• 1962 — Garth Brooks, country music superstar.
• 1960 — Robert Smigel, actor/comedian best known for “TV Funhouse” cartoons on Saturday Night Live and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
• 1960 — James Spader, actor best known for his work in Sex, Lies, and Videotape, Stargate, The Blacklist, and Avengers: Age of Ultron.
• 1812 — Charles Dickens, one of the literary GOATs whose works include A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, David Copperfield, and A Tale of Two Cities.
• 1804 — John Deere, manufacturer and founder of the company of the same name.

DEATHS:

• 2019 — Frank Robinson, iconic HOF outfielder and manager.
• 2015 — Dean Smith, legendary college basketball head coach.

HAPPY [FILL IN THE BLANK] DAY!

Happy National Periodic Table Day! Only three elements truly matter today — Ag (silver, which the Lombardi Trophy is made out of) and Na and Cl (sodium and chloride, which combine to create salt, the thing I have been full of over the past two weeks

.

Let’s switch from hate to love for a moment.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Guys I think I love Tyrese Haliburton.

When we look back on the 2020 NBA Draft in the years to come, let it be known that the Sacramento Kings defied the odds by not only not making a terrible pick, but by benefiting from other teams fucking up and not picking Haliburton. This guy has been a godsend for the Kings and should be the Rookie of the Year (he probably won’t get it because Sacramento used up its luck the year Tyreke Evans won it but still). Haliburton is playing like a veteran, showing poise and coming up big in the clutch. He’s also only going to get better, which makes me feel funny things in my heart and below my waist. Couple his on-court presence with his great off-court personality and seemingly already embracing the city and you have the perfect young player for this starving franchise. Haliburton has helped De’Aaron Fox step up his game and make the leap to All-Star consideration (fuck the NBA if he doesn’t get in). Haliburton, Fox, and Richaun Holmes should be the centerpieces of the Kings going forward. Fuck everyone else — even Buddy Hield. Haliburton is the future. Being a jaded Kings fan, I don’t want to get too attached to players and see them leave and win titles elsewhere. But goddamn it I can’t help falling in love.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 FOO FIGHTERS ALBUMS

Full disclosure: this is one of those “fuck you this is my newsletter and I’ll write about whatever I want” sections. But while nothing in here is about football, it is nonetheless topical. You see, Super Bowl LV is only my second-most anticipated event of this weekend. The first happened on Friday: the release of Medicine at Midnight, the tenth studio album from Foo Fighters. In case you know nothing about me, Foo Fighters is my favorite band of all time. They’re the band I’ve seen in person the most and by far listened to the most. Dave Grohl is a music legend and my favorite artist (who else continues a concert after breaking his fucking leg?). So of course I’m quite happy to hear new Foo Fighters music. Medicine at Midnight was actually supposed to come out last year, but like everything other nice thing it was postponed due to the pandemic. In the end, the music would not be stopped and the album saw the light of day.

Getting to double-digit albums is a pretty impressive feat for any band, especially when they show no signs of slowing down. While it’s unclear just how much longer Foo Fighters have to go before they pull the eventual move of just touring without creating new music, it’s hopefully still decades away. As Medicine at Midnight shows, the band still has plenty left in the tank. In fact, ten just happens to be the perfect number for me to put together a Top 10 list, one I’m both excited and apprehensive to do. The pros: I get to delve into Foo Fighters music. The cons: having to pick between these albums is like trying to decide which of my children is my favorite. Let me make this clear: Foo Fighters have yet to put out a bad album, or even a really mediocre one. That being said, some stand out more than others. So, which foos fight the hardest? Where does Medicine at Midnight initially rank among its brothers?

HONORABLE MENTION: SAINT CECILIA

While there have only been ten straight up studio albums, Foo Fighters have put out plenty of side projects and smaller albums or compilations. Perhaps the band’s best known EP is Saint Cecilia. The titular song is an absolute banger, with the other four songs making for some decent jams. But even though “Saint Cecilia” is damn good, I admittedly have an awkward time singing along to it. I’m not going to say why, but if you know you know. This EP was originally meant as a love letter to the band’s fans, but became dedicated to the victims of the Paris terror attack.

10. ONE BY ONE

If the quality of the first third of One by One stretched out into the rest of the album, this would arguably be the No. 1 spot. Foo Fighters’ fourth studio album kicks off with the thunderous “All My Life,” which according to Dave Grohl is about how much he loves performing oral sex on women (a few years ago, I sent a snap of their performance of this song from a concert I was at to a lady I was seeing at the time, fully knowing the context of the song). “Low” and “Have it All” are pretty underrated. After that comes “Times Like These,” which firmly has a spot in the band’s all-time greatest hits list. It’s a classic not just for the Foos, but for their era of rock. But then there are seven other songs that make up the final two thirds of the album, none of which I can classify as remarkable, especially compared to the band’s best. It’s no surprise that those first four songs were chosen as the singles for the album. The fact that the album starts on such a high only sets up how disappointing the rest of it is. That dip is why this album is so far down on this list.   

9. ECHOES, SILENCE, PATIENCE & GRACE

Fun fact: this was the first Foo Fighters album I bought with my own money. Given that Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace begins with “The Pretender,” that cash was well spent. Regardless of the quality of the rest of the band’s sixth studio album, that song was worth every single cent everyone spent on it. But as for the rest of the album, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. Apart from “Long Road to Ruin,” pretty much every other track (save for “Summer’s End”) sounds like a generic Foos song. Although the quality as a whole is still good and one of those songs are bad or anything, it just seems like the album is basically just that killer first track and nothing else. I think this is a reflection of where the band was at the time. After the highs of their first three albums (we’ll get to those later), the band seemed to have been running out of steam, with the fatigue being felt throughout this album. The band would definitely recover and start producing some of its best ever material, but this album marks the end of their overall weakest era in my opinion.  

8. IN YOUR HONOUR

This was personally the toughest task I had with these rankings. That’s because In Your Honor provided “Best of You,” which not only is my favorite song but has arguably become THE iconic Foo Fighters song. Because the band’s fifth studio album gave me a piece of musical treasure (not to mention a couple of other great tracks in “In Your Honor” and “DOA”), it kills me to rank it so low on this list. But I had to be objective here, especially in comparison to what the Foos have done before. The band tried something new with this album, something that rock bands generally have a tough time doing well: putting together a double album. The first half is all rock songs and would probably rank much higher if it were by itself. But the second half is all acoustic tracks, which while not inherently bad aren’t nearly as memorable. Overall, the tone of the album as a whole is fairly inconsistent. In fact, had those songs from the first half not been as amazing, there would be a legitimate argument for this album to rank at the very bottom of the band’s list.  

7. SONIC HIGHWAYS

A lot of people shit on Sonic Highways, and not completely without merit. Foo Fighters’ eighth studio album is different in a lot of ways from the rest. There are only eight songs, with the band focusing on average song length over number of songs. This was probably because for each song, the band traveled to eight different cities across the country, speaking with the musicians, engineers, and producers about the areas’ music history and using that as inspiration (they also made a HBO series that showcased this process). Each song is supposed to represent that city’s music scene as a whole, with guest performances on every track. But many critics say those songs don’t feel that unique — they feel like typical songs from the Foos. Plus, of the eight tracks, four (50% of the total) are average at best. But then there are the other four. “Something from Nothing,” “The Feast and the Famine,” and “I am a River” will go down as all-time classics, while “Congregation” is also pretty good. Their quality lifts the album up from the bottom for me.

6. CONCRETE AND GOLD

The themes, inspiration, composition, and feel of Concrete and Gold are all unique, even by Foo Fighters standards. According to Dave Grohl, the band’s ninth studio album was influenced by the heated political atmosphere following the 2016 Presidential Election. It was the first album to showcase the Foos in their current, six-man form (Rami Jaffee became a permanent member). It featured guest performances from Justin Timberlake and Paul McCartney (playing drums of all things). Taylor Hawkins even called it the band’s “weird record.” But all of that abnormality ended up translating into some good fucking music that will become even more celebrated in the years to come. “Run” is a riveting track that strikes the line between grunge and psychedelic rock. “The Sky Is a Neighborhood” definitely leans towards the latter, but is still a banger. “The Line, “La Dee Da,” and “Dirty Water” are all enjoyable for different reasons. While the album may not reach the highs of past works, you can make an argument it’s the most solid the band has ever produced. 

5. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE

Following the recording/drummer chaos of their previous album (more on that in a minute), Foo Fighters brought in Taylor Hawkins for There Is Nothing Left to Lose (he’s still hanging around). But that wasn’t the only notable change, with the band’s third studio album being a departure from pure grunge and incorporating more melody. It was also the first to be released by the band’s current label, RCA Records. But while the album was a departure from many things, it didn’t lack any of the quality from the band’s previous efforts. The album is headlines by the legendary “Learn to Fly,” which gave the Foos (AKA Dave Grohl) a chance to show off their hilarious music video skills (with some help from Tenacious D). “Breakout,” “Generator,” “Stacked Actors” (which some believe was a dig at Courtney Love), and “Next Year” are all solid tracks. By the way, it was immediately after this album that the band brought in Chris Shiflett for touring purposes. More than 20 years later, Shiflett is still rocking out as a member of the band.  

4. MEDICINE AT MIDNIGHT

This album is weird — in a good way. It seems like the thought process behind making Medicine at Midnight was to include every subgenre of rock and roll. The Foo Fighters’ tenth studio album has tracks that would fit well on collections by David Bowie, Arctic Monkeys, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, and Queens of the Stone Age. Yet, every song still feels like something the Foos would put together. Interestingly, I’m not sure the album’s three singles — “Shame Shame,” “No Son of Mine,” and “Waiting on a War” are even the three best songs. My immediate favorites right now are “Making a Fire” and “Holding Poison,” though “Medicine at Midnight” and “Love Dies Young” are up there and “Cloudspotter” and “Chasing Birds” are likely to be more largely liked by the consensus of fans. But this was an album Dave Grohl wanted people to dance to, one that sat on the shelves for many months and was released to give us a reason to party during tough times. This album is not only a success on that front, but proves this band still has plenty of life left. 

3. FOO FIGHTERS

How do you cope with the suicide of one of your best friends and the subsequent breakup of the band that brought you international fame? If you’re Dave Grohl, you create Foo Fighters, both the band and their self-titled debut album. Well, by “band” I mean just Grohl, who wrote and recorded 99.9% of the first studio album all by himself. Wanting to put it out there just for fun, Grohl came up with the name Foo Fighters, not thinking it would go anywhere. To his surprise, the album received tremendously positive reviews. “This Is a Call” was perhaps the perfect opening track, while “Big Me” and “I’ll Stick Around” showcase Grohl’s unpolished but powerful singing and playing (he was only the drummer for Nirvana, after all). Even though the Foos were just one Foo at this point, many critics argue the overall quality of this album has yet to be topped. While I won’t go that far, I certainly understand their reasoning. With the album’s success, Grohl had suddenly found himself with a brand new path in music. But first, he needed an actual brand.

2. THE COLOUR AND THE SHAPE

The process of creating The Colour and the Shape can be best described as pure chaos. Dave Grohl had finally formed an actual Foo Fighters band, bringing in Pat Smear, Nate Mendel, and William Goldsmith. But the first recording session was a disaster, with the band discarding most of the work. It didn’t help that Grohl was not in the best mindset, going through a divorce at the time. The Foos eventually regrouped to re-record their second studio album, with one exception: Goldsmith. Grohl filled in on drums instead, having felt Goldsmith’s performance was missing something. Not surprisingly, Goldsmith left the band shortly after. But despite everything that went wrong, the end result was pure gold. “Everlong,” “Monkey Wrench,” and “My Hero” are all-time classics, while “Walking After You,” “February Stars,” and “No Way Home” are damn good in their own right. This album is simply brilliant, reaching a peak that arguably none other from the band has achieved since. It also established the band as a true musical force to be reckoned with.  

1. WASTING LIGHT

Going into 2011, Foo Fighters were at a crossroads. Their recent albums had taken a bit of a downturn. Despite winning multiple Grammys for Best Rock Album, the Foos had yet to have an album debut at No. 1 on the Billboard 200. They had even released a Greatest Hits album two years earlier, which Dave Grohl didn’t want to do. Then Wasting Light happened. The band’s seventh studio album was their first to take that coveted No. 1 spot upon release. “Rope,” which is an absolute fucking banger, becoming only the second song to ever debut atop the Rock Songs chart, spending 20 straight weeks at No. 1 until it was replaced by “Walk,” one of the most inspiring songs the band has ever released. “Bridge Burning,” “Dear Rosemary,” “Arlandria,” and “These Days are also amazing. In fact, top to bottom, literally every single song on the album is at the very least very good (I’ve even come around on “White Limo”). This album’s best can match any other and it’s the best overall album the band has yet to produce in my opinion.

A NEW LOOK AT AL

If you’ve ever wondered why the NFL hates the Raiders — and vice-versa — watch the newest 30 for 30, Al Davis vs. the NFL. The news of the film was a surprise, but a welcome one. It focuses on two of the biggest figures in NFL history — Al Davis and Pete Rozelle — and the legendary legal feud. While they both wanted the league to succeed, both had extremely different views on how it should happen. That contrast came to a head when Davis wanted to move the Raiders to Los Angeles in the 1980’s. The ensuing court battles took years and cost both sides money and pride, with the end result shaping the future of the NFL landscape. 

The story is no great surprise to Raiders fans, although I had no idea the Silver and Black were that close to moving to Sacramento. I also never considered how Mark Davis learned from his father’s feud with the NFL during the process of the Raiders’ move to Las Vegas. While I certainly found myself on Davis’ side during the film (shocking I know), there were parts where I didn’t necessarily agree. I don’t like teams moving cities — it’s one of my least favorite aspects of American sports — and wasn’t a fan of either of the Raiders’ moves away from Oakland, a city that had a large role in shaping the team’s identity. I also sort of understood Rozelle’s point of view when it came to taking care of the league as a whole and having a unified voice that approved major decisions in a clear fashion. But then again the Raiders have been screwed way too many times on and off the field by the NFL for me to have even a shred of sympathy for the league. Still, one thing I think might be lost in all of this was the ultimate respect these two rivals had for each other, as evidenced by Davis’ cancelation of the post-Super Bowl XV locker room prank and his embrace of Rozelle after his retirement announcement.

Unfortunately, one part of the film that will be talked about more than it should and overshadow the story is how it was presented. The film itself is told at the current home of the Raiders — Allegiant Stadium — by both Davis and Rozelle. Now, you might wonder how this could be possible, given that both of them are dead. Well, they decided to pull a move from The Mandalorian and “deep fake” the two of them. By that, I mean they dressed up two actors as Al Davis and Pete Rozelle, then used CGI to put Davis and Rozelle’s faces on them. The end result was… not good. Rozelle’s face looks like it wasn’t sized properly (just grab the bottom left corner and expand it a little), while Davis’ doesn’t even look like him. I have plenty of respect for NFL Films, which was behind the film, but goddamn was that a bad decision.

Still, I highly recommend this film. Just be prepared for a bit of nightmare fuel. 

ONE LAST THING

Even though this is the last newsletter of the season (I’m not doing the monthly updates I did last year), that doesn’t mean I won’t be writing during the offseason. Inspired by a series of football and actual football-related events, I have begun a project unlike most things I’ve ever written. I’m putting together a multi-part series that — when finished — will be the longest thing I’ve ever written. Remember those in-depth deep dives I did in the offseason? Imagine like 20 of those. That’s a conservative estimate of what I’m planning. So what topic can possibly inspire me to write that much?

Soccer, of course.

Now before you close the email, let me explain. This won’t be purely about soccer. It will be a worldwide look at some of the biggest teams and best players, along with those you likely haven’t heard of. But the focus won’t necessarily be on the game itself. It will be on one aspect of the game that fans of all sports — and most people in general — can relate to.

That, of course, is hatred.

Remember how I began this newsletter? How I talked about how much I fucking hate the two Super Bowl participants? It got me thinking about the best sporting rivalries in the world. I then realized that every example I thought of was related to soccer. Why did I go there instead of every other sport played in America? Because everything we know about sporting hatred is basically considered bitch mode compared to the passion and animosity that soccer can bring. When fans fight at NFL games, it becomes a news story. Fan fights are a basic requirement for a typical soccer derby. Don’t believe me? I’m about a quarter of the way through the project. So far, I’ve written about a civil war, multiple bench-clearing brawls where fans invaded the field, a bet involving two fans sleeping with each other’s wives, fans sneaking a pig’s head and a motorized scooter into the stadium, the greatest betrayals in sports history, and a manager getting hit in the face with a slice of pizza. Let me show you the rest. Follow me as I narrow down the best of the best and find the greatest sporting rivalry in the world.

No matter what, I’m going to finish this project because it’s fun. But I would also like to present what I’ve come up with to an audience. If you are interested, I can send weekly updates or something to the league. Let me know what you guys think. It’ll help the NFL offseason go by faster, anyway.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness