Ruben's Writings

Greetings from the Emerald City! I’m continuing to scratch the pandemic travel itch by seeing the sights of Seattle, about four years after Jimmy, Chriss, and I made our own trek up north. While I’m doing a few different activities and have somehow gotten even fatter since then, one thing that remains the same is that I’m not traveling alone. Now that I’m living with my sister, Gabby, we’ve been wanting to take our first vacation as adult siblings. While I suggested my usual “let’s go to like three European countries in ten days” bullshit (I will still be doing that though), Gabby pumped the brakes and asked for somewhere a little less far from home. Seattle was her primary suggestion, so we went.

So far we’ve been to one and a half Boston Red Sox-Seattle Mariners games, watched the Seattle Sounders beat Santos Laguna with a last-second goal, explored the Seattle Aquarium and coastal area, played three games of Mario Kart arcade (a clean sweep by yours truly), ran into the Selfie Museum, eaten a shit ton at Pike Place Market, gone up to the top of the Space Needle, been wowed by the Chihuly Garden and Glass museum, and seen lightsabers, Jimi Hendrix’s guitars, and way too many Alien references at the Museum of Pop Culture. Now, we’re headed to the University of Washington for a campus tour to kill time before our flight home leaves tonight. No, I’m not staying for the Seahawks-Titans game or Washington-Arkansas State game this weekend. I have to work on Final Quarter tomorrow and Gabby couldn’t care less about football. But at least we accomplished the most important task — being in Seattle has given me a perfect excuse for a newsletter theme. 

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (1-0) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

139.64 – 93.44

Last week, I overruled Yahoo!’s grades and gave C’s New Champ Team the Eric DeCosta Award for best draft of 2021. Guess what happened Week 1? Chriss scored the most points out of everyone, at the expense of the guy who’s a fan of the team for which DeCosta is GM. It’s almost like I know what I’m talking about sometimes. Matt Stafford (24 points) lit it the fuck up in his Rams debut, while DeAndre Hopkins (20 points) and Isaiah Simmons (12 points) made mincemeat of the Titans. Dalvin Cook (14 points) did enough against the Bengals, while T.J. Hockenson (17 points) came up huge in Detroit’s near-comeback against the 49ers. As for Three Eyed Ravens, Lamar Jackson (19 points) had a solid day, but lost points turning the ball over against the Raiders (oh you know I’ll have more on that later). Apart from Alvin Kamara (15 points) and DeVonta Smith (13 points), no one else stepped up for Ewing, with Julio Jones and the Chiefs defense disappointing. Given how Chriss did, it likely wouldn’t have mattered. 

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-0) DEF. YEA BABY! (0-1)

136.82- 102.90

The battle of the Austin Powers references goes to Dixie Normous, which is interesting given that joke came from the Austin Powers movie within Goldmember. Another blow to Mike Myers’ career, I guess. Anyway, Nick had arguably the most surprising performance of the entire league, dropping the second-highest point total of the week and dropping more than 130 points in a single game for just the third time since he joined the league. Dak Prescott (28 points) got things going on Thursday, before Tyreek Hill (26) did his usual thing Sunday. Apart from Mike Evans and the Ravens defense, none of Nick’s starters finished in single digits, with Cooper Kupp (16 points) and Darrell Henderson (14 points) standing out as well. Yea baby! meanwhile tried to shake up its luck with a name change. Unfortunately for Arik, he continues to be snakebitten. He didn’t even have a bad week. It’s just that Christian McCaffrey (18 points) and Ty’Son Williams (15 points) weren’t spectacular enough to overcome other poor performances and catch Nick this time. 

GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-0) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (0-1)

121.76 – 60.32

The other most surprising performance of the week was just how awful Jop Suey!!! began its title defense. Apparently Taylor’s going into his scheduled hibernation, only to emerge every five years to claim another championship. To be fair, no one saw the hideous performance of Aaron Rodgers coming — Taylor could claim he should’ve had at least another 25 points. But even then, Taylor still would’ve been this week’s lowest scorer, thanks to snoozers from Allen Robinson, Najee Harris, Tyler Kroft, and the Colts defense. In fact, only two of Taylor’s starters finished with double digits, with Bobby Wagner (12 points) being the highest scorer. By comparison, Gruden Grinders featured four people with 12+ points, including two who doubled that mark. Russell Wilson (27 points) and Amari Cooper (25 points) combined to nearly beat Taylor on their own, while Darren Waller (16 points) and Robbie Gould (14 points) gave Jimmy further boosts. Who knows if Taylor will rebound, but hopefully in my unbiased opinion it happens after this week. 

49ERS (1-0) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-1)

118.06 – 105.66

Ah, Week 1 — when no one really knows what the hell will happen and by far the closest matchup of the week is decided by 12 friggin points. 49ers came out on top in this one, thanks in large part to our first MVP candidate in Kyler Murray (34 points). Joe Mixon (21 points) did his thing as well, although for the most part the rest of Gee’s lineup had an average day. Footballdamus meanwhile had a few more star performances, including Nick Chubb (20 points), Antonio Brown (18 points), Josh Jacobs (16 points), and the Steelers defense (14 points). However, while Riez was let down by some big names — such as Ronald Jones and Kyle Pitts — he was ultimately let down the most by himself. Turns out, this matchup was decided by the Falcons-Eagles game. Riez chose to start Matt Ryan, who failed to crack double digits and ended up like this for most of the day. Jalen Hurts, meanwhile, went the fuck off for 28 points, which went to waste on Riez’s bench. If Riez had made that one change, he would’ve managed to pull off the upset victory.

COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (1-0) DEF. FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (0-1)

117.36 – 97.18

I’ll be honest — it felt fucking weird to be happy when Tom Brady (29 points) scored. But man did he ever score, easily finishing as the top performer for either Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell or Feel the Tanne-thrill. I’m also not sure how to feel about Saquon Barkley’s joke of a performance, since my other two RBs — David Montgomery (17 points) and D’Andre Swift (16 points) more than made up for it. Either way, Kyle may have the bigger concerns moving forward, given that his namesake, Ryan Tannehill, got eaten alive by the Cardinals and Davante Adams had more points than his QB. In addition, Brandon Aiyuk literally did not have a catch and Kyle’s decision to pick up a defense based on matchup didn’t work (the Jaguars got slaughtered), negating nice days from Travis Kelce (19 points), Chris Godwin (15 points), and Kareen Hunt (14 points). If Kyle doesn’t get some more balance into his lineup soon, it could be a while before he feels the “Tanne-thrill,” although his next opponent didn’t exactly light the football world on fire, either.

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

105.68 – 90.38

So after all of the bitching about last year’s technical limitations and all that work to finally let you be able to draft/manage your team, this is what happens, Richard? You do that? The vast majority of the Krispy Kritters’ lineup — Justin Herbert, Derrick Henry, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Raheem Mostert, the Buccaneers defense — all disappointed, with Richard struggling for most of the week. In fact, if not for Tyler Lockett (22 points) and A.J. Brown (12 points), he would’ve been in Taylor territory of disappointing land. It would’ve taken Sleeping Giants literally falling asleep to avoid a loss. Unfortunately for Richard, Dad had his Kermit the Frog with a cigarette addiction-voiced man-crush, Pat Mahomes (33 points), to keep him from completely falling flat. Still, while Adam Thielen (21 points) and CeeDee Lamb (21 points) had great games, the rest of Dad’s lineup was largely subpar. Aaron Jones and Eric Ebron were disappointing, while Jerry Jeudy’s injury is concerning, especially with Trey Sermon’s mysterious absence. Still, a win’s a win.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. C’s New Champ Team (1-0)
2. Dixie Normous (1-0)
3. Gruden Grinders (1-0)
4. 49ers (1-0)
5. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (1-0)
6. Sleeping Giants (1-0)
7. Footballdamus (0-1)
8. Yea baby! (0-1)
9. Feel the Tenne-thrill (0-1)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (0-1)
11. The Krispy Kritters (0-1)
12. Jop Suey!!! (0-1)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. C’s New Champ Team (139.64)
2. Dixie Normous (136.82)
3. Gruden Grinders (121.76)
4. 49ers (118.06)
5. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (117.36)
6. Footballdamus (105.66)
7. Sleeping Giants (105.68)
8. Yea baby! (102.90)
9. Feel the Tanne-thrill (97.18)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (93.44)
11. The Krispy Kritters (90.38)
12. Jop Suey!!! (60.32)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Of all the Cowboys’ biggest names on offense — Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott, CeeDee Lamb, it was Amari Cooper who balled out the most unexpectedly. Cooper contributed 25 points to Jimmy’s campaign, only trailing Prescott (29 points). While Cooper is certainly a good player, he was rated below Lamb on Yahoo!, making his overwhelming performance more surprising.

WORST: I mean it has to be Aaron Rodgers, right? The reigning NFL MVP takes on a team in apparent transition mode and gets absolutely decimated to the point where some are wondering if he’s playing bad on purpose to force a trade. Rodgers ended with barely more points than Amari Rodgers, turning what would have been a loss for Taylor anyway into an embarrassment.

TRANSACTION

BEST: While the Baltimore Ravens have seen RBs drop like flies, someone has to eventually carry the ball besides Lamar Jackson, right? That ended up being Ty’Son Williams, who was the star of Baltimore’s running game to the tune of 15 points. Arik picked him up for the cost of Marlon Mack, who put up a goose egg. Arik may not have won, but it wasn’t Williams’ fault.

WORST: If you’re going to live by the offense and gamble with a defense in free agency, you’ve got to be sure you have the right matchup. Kyle thought the Jaguars defense would dominate the Texans, only for Houston to run wild. As a result, Jacksonville actually took points (three of them) from Kyle. To make matters worse, Kyle cut the Seahawks defense, who put up six points.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: Maybe the shit I gave Ewing for drafting Juju Smith-Schuster actually had some impact. Instead of starting the TikTok taunter, Ewing went with the rookie DeVonta Smith, who put up 13 points — nearly triple Smith-Schuster’s total. It was also more than what Ewing’s other WRs — Justin Jefferson and Julio Jones — did combined. Maybe it’s something to do with the letter “J.”

WORST: It’s not often that you can point to one decision made involving players from the same game as the reason for a loss. But then not everyone is Riez, who made the call to start Matt Ryan over Jalen Hurts in the Falcons-Eagles game. Ryan ended up on his ass all game, while Hurts soared for 28 points. The 21-point difference would’ve been enough to give Riez the win.

LUCK

BEST: I would say finishing without a lineup spot giving you fewer than nine points makes you pretty lucky. Robert Woods had just three catches, but one was a TD. Chris Carson made it past that mark despite not finding the end zone and losing a fumble. The Panthers defense did it despite allowing 14+ points, which is difficult in Yahoo!’s system. Overall, quite a positive day.

WORST: This one goes out to the apparently cursed 49ers RB corps. Dad found out at the last second that Trey Sermon was an apparent health scratch, forcing him to start Michael Carter instead. Then, Richard only got minimal points from Raheem Mostert before losing him for the season with a knee injury. In addition, Dad also lost Jerry Jeudy for several weeks due to injury.

As you could probably tell, this was a new segment meant to go even deeper on our individual performances and focus more on our league while still talking about what happened in the NFL as a whole. Also, it’s more opportunity for me to talk shit and a way to help fill out the newsletter before we start making trades. After all, it’s only been one week…

OH HERE WE GO

Motherfuckers, it’s Week 2 — WEEK FUCKING TWO. How the fuck do you guys feel the need to trade already? It’s not like it’s been consistently proven that people always overreact to what happens in Week 1, which often isn’t an indicator of how the rest of the season will play out. But no, let’s go ahead and lose our minds already. Given that the two sides in this trade were the two participants of last year’s Epic Bowl, I guess I can allow it. Let’s look at who’s up for swapping.

Oh what in the fuck?

You fuckers are trading QBs — YOUR STARTING QUARTERBACKS — after just one week of football? What’s more, those QBs are the reigning MVP and the guy who (after just one week) looks like an MVP candidate. This seems… bold, like a combination of ballsy and incredibly fucking stupid. The word “foolhardy” seems like a good description. This seems like a trade that could define both your season and the overall league as a whole. Not to keep harping on this point, but this is happening AFTER JUST ONE WEEK. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

Selfishly, as the guy who’s playing Taylor this week, I’m more invested in this bullshit than anyone other than the two involved parties (and Dad, who’s playing Gee this week). Instead of having to face Aaron Rodgers (who despite his horrific Week 1 performance always torches the Lions), I have to face Kyler Murray, who dominated an AFC contender and now gets to host the team who just lost to the fucking Bengals. Why do you people do this shit to me?

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

“Felt like I died and woke up. And died. And woke up again. I was like a cat — I had multiple lives.” — Jon Gruden

I was able to watch the first half of the Raiders-Ravens game before I had to leave to go watch the Boston Red Sox lose to the Seattle Mariners. But I was following the game from my seat at T-Mobile Park — I couldn’t believe what the fuck was happening, especially in the 4th quarter and OT. After reviewing the footage when we got back to our hotel, I still didn’t understand how the hell Las Vegas had beaten Baltimore. That was the wildest, stupidest, batshit craziest way to end a game I’ve seen in a long, long time.

First, the positives — starting with the defense. Yeah, I can’t believe I just wrote that. The Raiders defense was the MVP of the game, doing work to keep the shifty Lamar Jackson in check and keeping things within reach until the offense got into gear. Maxx Crosby — who entered the stadium wearing a White Chocolate jersey — harassed Baltimore all night. The defense forced not one, but two key turnovers, including the fumble that swung momentum back in the Raiders’ favor after that WTF INT in the end zone. Yes, the Ravens aren’t exactly the best passing team in the league (our pass defense being the weakest of the weak last year) and Baltimore’s two best RBs literally tore their ACLs. But keeping Jackson under control is always an accomplishment, one that never could’ve been done by last year’s defense. Gus Bradley gets good marks this week.

Shockingly, it’s the offense I suddenly have questions about. Throughout the first half and into the second, Derek Carr did NOT look comfortable behind that offensive line. He was missing throws left and right (and over), trying to force feed Darren Waller. I get that Waller is amazing, but goddamn there are other pass catchers on the team. Maybe it was because of the shifting of the offensive line, but the running game was disturbingly bad for some parts of the game. Then as the second half went on things began to click — Kenyan Drake got more involved to help out Josh Jacobs, Carr threw to people other than Waller, and Las Vegas began to score some points.

I’m not gonna make the mistake I did last year, after the Raiders beat the New Orleans Saints (also on Monday Night Football), when I said things might be finally turning around. That’s not just from PTSD — both the Raiders and Ravens had plenty of question marks surrounding them going into this game. Because of the sheer absurdity of how things went down, there are even more questions. Still, at least the question of “who can suck it?” has been answered — it’s Ewing and his Ravens. Now, the Raiders get to play a damn good Steelers team in Pittsburgh in an early game. Good thing we never lose those…

One last note — holy shit did A.J. Cole punt the everloving fuck out of the ball. With him booming the ball and Daniel Carlson becoming even more automatic, I think it’s safe to say the Raiders have found their new incarnation of Sebastian Janikowski and Shane Lechler. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

Yeah I’m just rubbing more salt in the wound.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 DIVISIONS IN NFL HISTORY

The Las Vegas Raiders’ win capped off a remarkable first week for teams in the West. Of the 16 undefeated teams in the NFL, half of them are in the AFC/NFC West. While every AFC West team won, all of them were fairly close contests (Broncos-Giants aside). Everyone in the NFC West kicked the shit out of 2020 playoff teams (49ers-Lions aside). We knew both divisions were going to be competitive, but holy shit are these division races going to be insane. As a whole, both of these divisions could go down as two of the best in NFL history. Which divisions would they join on that list? Let’s find out.

10. 2008 AFC EAST

The 2008 AFC East was wild. Brett Favre played his lone season in the AFC. An 11-win team missed the playoffs, and the team no one thought would win the division did just that. That would be the Miami Dolphins, who went 11-5 a year after going just 1-15. The Dolphins’ success meant that the New England Patriots, who went 11-5 despite losing defending NFL MVP Tom Brady for the year in Week 1, missed the playoffs in an extremely top-heavy AFC due to a tiebreaker with Miami. Meanwhile, the Favre experiment started strong but fell flat (especially for Jenn Sterger), as the New York Jets finished 9-7. Even the Buffalo Bills weren’t completely terrible, going 7-9. The overall success of the division was hampered by Miami’s ass-whooping in the first round.

9. 2014 AFC NORTH

In 2013, the AFC North produced just one team with a winning record. Naturally, the 2014 AFC North had three ten-win teams. The Pittsburgh Steelers, Cincinnati Bengals, and Baltimore Ravens finished half a game away from each other (thanks to a tie by Cincinnati). Pittsburgh won out with an 11-5 record, although they were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs by the 10-6 Ravens. The Bengals also made the playoffs at 10-5-1, but naturally they failed to win a playoff game. While the Browns finished in the cellar in 2014, it wasn’t a typical season in Cleveland. The Browns were actually 7-4 at one point in the season. However, a five-game losing streak to end the season sunk their playoff hopes and led to a 7-9 record (still very good for Cleveland).

8. 2008 NFC SOUTH

The NFC South is the most inconsistent division in the NFL — the 2008 NFC South is the perfect example. In 2007, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the division at 9-7. The following year, the Buccaneers remained at 9-7 — and finished third and missed the playoffs. The division crown fell to the Carolina Panthers, who finished 12-4 and claimed the No. 2 seed in the NFC. Just behind them were the Atlanta Falcons who — one year removed from the Michael Vick/Bobby Petrino nightmare — stormed to an unexpected 11-5 record behind rookie QB Matt Ryan and new head coach Mike Smith. Even the New Orleans Saints finished at .500. However, both the Falcons and Panthers would see their season end at the hands of another 9-7 team — the Arizona Cardinals.

7. 1998 AFC EAST

Of the five members of the 1998 AFC East, one of them was the Indianapolis Colts, who went 3-13 under apparent rookie QB bust Peyton Manning. The other four teams made the playoffs, which is impossible in today’s NFL and good enough to counter the terrible Colts. The New England Patriots clinched the last playoff spot in the AFC with a 9-7 record. The next two Wild Card spots were taken by the Miami Dolphins and Buffalo Bills (led by Comeback POY Doug Flutie), who faced off in the first round (the Dolphins would win). But the star of that division was the New York Jets, who finished with a 12-4 record and the No. 2 seed in the AFC. Only the eventual champion Denver Broncos could stop the Jets in the AFC Championship Game.

6. 1997 NFC CENTRAL

One year before the AFC East produced four playoff teams, the NFC Central laid the foundation for them. Much like the last entry, the 1997 NFC Central was brought down by one shit team — the 4-12 Chicago Bears. Also like in 1998, all three Wild Card teams were from the same division. Incredibly, that included the 9-7 Detroit Lions, who despite employing co-NFL MVP Barry Sanders would lose to the division rival 10-6 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The 9-7 Minnesota Vikings upset the New York Giants in the first round, only to get stomped by the San Francisco 49ers. But the Central would eventually prevail, with co-NFL MVP Brett Favre and the 13-3 Green Bay Packers rolling over them and into the Super Bowl, where John Elway ruined everything once again.

5. 1999 AFC EAST

Remember how the Indianapolis Colts brought down the AFC East as a whole? Well guess who won the 1999 AFC East? That would be the 13-3 Colts, who saw Peyton Manning make the leap. Their win also spawned the joke that Indianapolis had won the AFC East more recently than the Buffalo Bills (which ended just last year). As for those Bills, they finished 11-5 but fell to the Tennessee Titans via the Music City Miracle. The 9-7 Miami Dolphins did manage to win a playoff game, taking out the Seattle Seahawks. However, all three teams would be demolished by the Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars (who beat Miami 62-7) — the two best teams in the AFC. The other two AFC East teams — the New York Jets and New England Patriots — each finished 8-8.

4. 2007 AFC SOUTH

All anyone remembers about 2007 is the New England Patriots going 16-0 in the regular season. But their success overshadows that of two historically good divisions. The first of those divisions contains the Indianapolis Colts, who went 13-3 and were considered the second-best team to the Patriots. However, they were upset by the San Diego Chargers, preventing an iconic AFC title game. The Chargers also beat the Tennessee Titans, who finished 10-6 and earned the last playoff seed in the AFC. In fact, the only member of the 2007 AFC South to win a playoff game was the 11-5 Jacksonville Jaguars, who upset the Pittsburgh Steelers. To round out the division, the 8-8 Houston Texans made it that every team finished above .500 — a rarity on today’s NFL. 

3. 1984 AFC WEST

It’s one thing for a division to produce multiple playoff teams or 10+ win teams. The 1984 AFC West had three teams win at least 11 games, which is insane. The defending Super Bowl champion Los Angeles Raiders finished 11-5 (just one game worse than the year before), but finished third in 1984 and were eliminated by the 12-4 Seattle Seahawks. The 13-3 Denver Broncos won the division and claimed the second spot in the AFC, only to fall in the playoffs as usual. Even the bottom tier teams weren’t really bottom tier. The Kansas City Chiefs were 8-8, while the San Diego Chargers were the lone losing team at 7-9. However, the Chargers’ AFC West record was 0-8, meaning San Diego was an incredible 7-1 against the rest of the NFL.

2. 2007 NFC EAST

That other incredible division in 2007 was the NFC East, which was outrageous in multiple ways. First, each team in the 2007 NFC East not only finished at least 8-8, but also had a positive point differential (by at least 20 points at that). That is tremendously rare. The bottom of the division was occupied by the 8-8 Philadelphia Eagles that barely lost by three points to the 16-0 New England Patriots. The Washington Redskins finished at 9-7 and made the playoffs, though they lost in the first round. Despite finishing at 13-3 and claiming the top seed in the NFC, the Dallas Cowboys also lost their first playoff game. That came at the hands of the 10-6 New York Giants, who would roll on and win Super Bowl XLII, becoming the “1” in New England’s 18-1 record.  

1. 2013 NFC WEST

The 2013 NFC West didn’t have three teams make the playoffs and had a team finish with a losing record. But take a closer look and you’ll realize the quality of every team. The St. Louis Rams finished last, but managed a 7-9 record despite Sam Bradford tearing his ACL midway through the season. The Arizona Cardinals missed the playoffs, even though they finished with a 10-6 record (equal to or better than two other division winners). But what really cements this division is the two other teams. The 13-3 Seattle Seahawks and 12-4 San Francisco 49ers were the two best teams in the NFL, with Seattle edging out the defending conference champs in the NFC title game before beating the absolute fuck out of the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 16, 1950, the Cleveland Browns played their first game in NFL history, beginning decades of sadness with… greatness? At the time the Browns were in their golden era. They were born in 1945 as a charter member of the All-America Football Conference and filled the void left behind by the Cleveland Rams, who left for Los Angeles the following year. All the Browns did was win the AAFC title from 1946-49, although everyone considered the AAFC vastly inferior to the NFL. The Browns would have the chance to prove how good they were in 1950, when they joined the NFL after the AAFC folded. NFL commissioner Bert Bell (who made the schedule back then) purposely scheduled Cleveland’s first regular season game to be on the road against the Philadelphia Eagles, the two-time defending NFL champs. It was set up to be a clobbering and indeed it was — just not how everyone thought it would go. Otto Graham passed for three TDs and rushed for one more as Cleveland rolled over Philadelphia 35-10. The Browns would finish with a 10-2 record, tied for first in the American Conference with the New York Giants (the only team to beat them that year). Cleveland got revenge in a playoff game, using a late Lou Groza FG to edge out New York 8-5. In the NFL Championship Game, the Browns fittingly faced the Rams — the team that abandoned Cleveland five years earlier. In a back-and-forth affair, another Groza FG with 28 seconds left capped a late comeback to give the Browns a 30-28 win and the NFL title, legitimizing the team as a truly great one.

On September 16, 2007, the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals met for the first Battle of Ohio of the season. The previous week, the Browns began the season by getting their asses kicked 34-7 by the Pittsburgh Steelers, while the Bengals scored a 27-20 upset win over the defending AFC North champion Baltimore Ravens. Cleveland and Cincinnati’s Week 2 clash in the Factory of Sadness appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary, with the Bengals up 7-6 going into the second quarter. But two plays into that quarter, Rudi Johnson fumbled after a long run. The Browns recovered and quickly took a 13-7 lead when Derek Anderson found Joe Jurevicius. That seemingly unlocked the offenses for both squads. Carson would respond with his second TD of the game, hitting T.J. Houshmandzadeh, only for Anderson to find Jurevicius again in the end zone. Cincinnati got the lead back with a Palmer TD to Chad Johnson, but Anderson found Kellen Winslow for his third TD pass of the quarter to send Cleveland into the break up 27-21. The Bengals started the second half with a FG, only for a Braylon Edwards TD catch to give the Browns a ten-point lead. Palmer cut that to three with another TD to Johnson, only for Jamal Lewis (recently acquired from the Ravens) to break free for a 66-yard TD run on the first play of Cleveland’s next possession. Another TD to Houshmandzadeh was answered by another to Edwards, which was followed by a FG to give the Browns a 51-38 lead with less than six minutes remaining. A Glenn Holt TD catch made it a one-score game, but a Leigh Bodden INT with less than a minute left sealed the game for Cleveland. The 51-45 contest remains tied for the ninth-highest scoring game in NFL history. However, it’s not even the highest-scoring Browns-Bengals game ever. That honor belongs to their clash three years earlier that ended in a 58-48 Cincinnati win in the second-highest scoring game in NFL history. Weird.

2021 DUES TALLY

Ruben: $40

Dad: $40

Ewing: $40

Taylor: $40

Gee: $40

Richard: $40

Kyle: $40

Chriss: $40

Nick: $40

Riez: $40

Jimmy: $40

Arik: $40

… wait what? I… I can’t believe it. This may be the first time in league history that all dues have been paid — at the very least the first since we expanded to 12 teams. I’m speechless.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (1-0) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-0)

It’s an early Top 3 showdown as Dixie Normous and Gruden Grinders look for a 2-0 start to the season. Nick will need to be on full throttle again, with guys like Dak Prescott, Tyreek Hill, Mike Evans, Austin Ekeler, and Cooper Kupp likely set for another big day. Defense will likely not be relevant — Nick has the Ravens defense against Kansas City. As for Jimmy, Russell Wilson should be set for another great performance, while Amari Cooper and Ezekiel Elliott could have an impact on Prescott’s point total. Darren Waller should get another 1,000 targets as well.

49ERS (1-0) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (1-0)

Thank god I didn’t write my preview until yesterday, so the pending trade between Gee and Taylor didn’t fuck any of it up. 49ers are praying that Aaron Rodgers will return to his MVP form against the Lions and Najee Harris can find better footing against the Raiders. If not, Joe Mixon and the Broncos defense should provide Gee plenty of points. He will likely need all he can get, because Sleeping Giants boast the likes of Pat Mahomes, Adam Thielen, and the Washington defense. Dad can also get some bonuses from Aaron Jones, who could negate some Rodgers points.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (1-0) VS. YEA BABY! (0-1)

It’s the first place team against the most snakebitten one, so this can only end with bunches of points (and Yea baby! probably losing). C’s New Champ Team rolled with Matt Stafford, Dalvin Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, Robert Woods, and the Seahawks defense — all look primed to give Chriss even more scoring options this week. Arik meanwhile counters with his own arsenal of Josh Allen, Calvin Ridley, Mark Andrews, and the 49ers defense — all primed to bounce back from disappointing performances last week. Arik also has Christian McCaffrey, which is a plus.

COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (1-0) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (0-1)

Can Jop Suey!!! bounce back from… whatever last week was and get in the win column? A lot of that depends on how well the bold trade for Kyler Murray and Myles Gaskin works out. Keenan Allen, Allen Robinson, and Antonio Gibson should at the very least provide Taylor with some sort of backup. As for Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell, last week’s big hitters in Tom Brady, D’Andre Swift, and David Montgomery should do well again, with Stefon Diggs and D.J. Moore looking to do much better. I’m nervous about Saquon Barkley and am eyeing Corey Davis for a start instead.

FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (0-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (0-1)

Feel the Tanne-thrill didn’t exactly… well… feel the Tanne-thrill last week. The bad news: Ryan Tannehill is facing another tough opponent this week. The good news: Kyle has a shit ton of other weapons, including Davante Adams, Chris Godwin, Kareem Hunt, Travis Kelce, and Brandon Aiyuk (assuming he gets off Kyle Shanahan’s shit list, of course). On the other side, the Krispy Kritters could be better than last week showed. Justin Herbert, Antonio Brown, Tyler Lockett, and Rob Gronkowski are locked and loaded, while Derrick Henry TDs can take away from Tannehill. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (0-1)

Both Footballdamus and Three Eyed Ravens fell last week due to bad decisions and bad luck. This week could see more of the same. Success from Lamar Jackson will negate Ewing’s point total from the Chiefs defense — ditto with Riez, Josh Jacobs, and the Steelers defense. Riez also refuses to start Jalen Hurts, relying on the Matt Ryan-Kyle Pitts connection (as well as D.K. Metcalf, Antonio Brown, and Nick Chubb). Tyler has Alvin Kamara and (maybe) DeVonta Smith to fall back on, as well as Justin Jefferson, Julio Jones, and George Kittle (if they all improve).

ONE LAST THING

What’s in a name? Does it represent something close to you or something you believe in? Is it a reference to where you live or grew up? Are you simply trying to make a funny/clever reference? Most importantly, is it good?

While some people change their fantasy football team names every year, the vast majority of people in this league either rarely change their name or have left it the same since joining several years ago. Quite frankly, some of you need a change. But I’m a competitor — I can’t objectively say whether or not your name is trash or not. We need an unbiased expert.

So now, for the first time in newsletter history, you are about to hear from someone other than me, someone who actually has fashion sense and knows what’s cool these days, and someone who doesn’t give a shit about football. I am of course talking about Gabby. I’ve asked her to review all 12 team names and give her honest assessment of where things stand. If you thought I was brutal with my criticism, you haven’t seen anything yet. 

Behold, Gabby’s fantasy football team name review:

Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell — “You’re telling the world you suck ass. Maybe in the future you can call yourself something that doesn’t make you look like a pussy [editor’s note: told you].”

49ers — “Could you not switch it up once in a while? You have the same basic ass name every year, which means you have the same basic ass skills. That doesn’t even make it fun — it’s the same thing every year. Go on an online name generator and hit ‘shuffle.’ That will give you a better name than that.”

C’s New Champ Team — Are you joking? Maybe the [bachelor party] cane was symbolic — having an old ass name makes you look old as fuck. You literally added ‘new,” thinking ‘yes, that will lead me to victory.’ Very creative, Christopher.”

Yea baby! — “I will give you points for combining the team name with your profile pic [editor’s note: she completely ignored that for me]. I like synching up the picture to the name. I get it, but it’s just not a good team name. Like, are you texting your wife or telling me your team name? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dixie Normous — “Dude, are we back in high school? This screams ‘a stupid Kahoot! username’ (look it up). Also, can you add a profile pic that lines up with the name (preferably not of you), instead of some generic football helmet?”

Feel the Tanne-thrill — “You get some points for the pun. But once again it’s not a good team name. It’s more like a slogan. Also, it literally reminds me of something Ruben would say that’s really cheesy and annoying, so I subtract points [editor’s note: what the fuck?].”

Footballdamus — “That’s just stupid.”

Gruden Grinders — “Finally, something that actually sounds like a team name! I like it, but not enough to give you a clean slate. I like comedy, and that’s just not that funny.”

Jop Suey!!! — “Pipe down, Ruben [editor’s note: 😦 ]. Changing/adding punctuation doesn’t make it a better team name. Do better.”

Sleeping Giants — “I like the meaning behind the name, but change it up every once in a while. I’m literally ‘sleeping’ looking at it.”

The Krispy Kritters — “What the fuck does this even mean? Are you high? Probably…”

Three Eyed Ravens — “We have a winner! It’s an actual team name that references multiple things you like — Game of Thrones and the Baltimore Ravens. It’s not funny, but you gave me a Fleetwood Mac vinyl so we’re not gonna talk about it. The rest of you need to step up.”

My lovely, sweet 19-year-old sister, everyone…

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness