Ruben's Writings

Despite working in television and watching a lot of TV in general, there aren’t a lot of TV shows I particularly watch. Chances are, if there’s a popular TV show or even something on networks in the evenings, I’ve never seen a single episode. From Breaking Bad to Game of Thrones to The Americans to Atlanta to BoJack Horseman to This is Us to The Walking Dead, I’ve seen about three episodes of these shows combined. All of those were Game of Thrones episodes Ewing and Emilio forced me to watch (I will say “Battle of the Bastards” was bad fucking ass). Long gone are the days where I diligently waited for new episodes of The Office, Survivor, and Modern Family. Obviously there were the cartoons I used to watch on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and Disney Channel. But in terms of my adult age, the diversity of shows has greatly diminished — and yes, that’s even counting anime.

So what shows do I watch while I’m not producing the news, catching a game, or watching a metric fuck ton of YouTube? I’ve prayed at the altar of Top Gear/The Grand Tour for many years, even enjoying its various spin-offs (like Our Man in Japan and Clarkson’s Farm). I’ve themed previous newsletters around Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Rick & Morty. I also plan to add Ted Lasso to my collection as soon as someone can give me Apple TV+ login info (I’m not paying for that shit). I may have to get on that quickly, considering my short list of TV shows I actively watch has gotten even smaller.

One week ago, Brooklyn Nine-Nine aired its series finale, to the great sadness of many (including myself). While I feel like there was some material left on the board, at least the show didn’t go out far later than it should, well past its prime. The show may not have fittingly ended in its ninth season (there have been eight seasons total) and the finale may not have even aired on 9/9 (the two-part finale was on 9/16), but it ended on the right note. It was total fan service in the best possible way and I’m happy with where the main characters ended up. Brooklyn Nine-Nine definitely stuck the landing when it comes to the ending — unlike How I Met Your Mother, Lost, Seinfeld, or… you know… Game of Thrones. But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss all of the quick-witted writing whose cleverness is masterfully hidden beneath the stupid jokes/puns (which I appreciate), the surprisingly deep themes and plots, the under-appreciated diversity and stereotype-defying moments, and most importantly Captain Raymond Holt, one of the greatest characters in the history of comedic TV. Thanks for all the laughs.

One more time — NINE NINE!!!!!!!!! 

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (2-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-1)

120.28 – 105.92

Uh guys… I don’t want to alarm you, but Nick is in first place. Nick — Nick Perez — is on top of our fantasy football standings. I know this is only Week 3, but I fear God has truly abandoned us. Dixie Normous didn’t just win, they won while getting single digit points from Dak Prescott and as many points from Tyreek Hill as Dallas Goedert (and not in a good way). The hero of the day was Cooper Kupp (27 points), who led a prolific day from the supporting cast featuring the likes of Mike Evans (19 points), Daniel Carlson (17 points), Darrell Henderson (14 points), and Austin Ekeler (13 points). By contrast, Gruden Grinders’ big points came from the big names — Russell Wilson (23 points), Ezekiel Elliott (15 points), and the Patriots defense (19 points), who were after all playing the Jets. But Jimmy was let down by Amari Cooper, Darren Waller, James Robinson, and Chase Claypool, who combined for just about 20 points. Anyway, Nick’s squad is on fire — I feel bad for the poor bastard who’s next. Wait a minute… (checks schedule) FUCK!!! 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (2-0) DEF. YEA BABY! (0-2)

106.62 – 103.96

Seriously, did Arik make a deal with the devil or something in a past life? That must be the only explanation for how frequently he gets fucked by the fantasy football gods. The latest painful loss for Yea baby! came from one of the few productive players for the Lions — T.J. Hockenson (12 points) — who got just enough on Monday to push C’s New Champ Team into the lead for good. Granted, you could make the argument that Chriss should’ve been in the lead already. A massive collapse by the Seahawks defense took away several points, putting a damper on strong days from Chris Carson (15 points), Dalvin Cook (14 points), and DeAndre Hopkins (11 points). Plus, Matt Stafford (18 points) didn’t have his best game. But you can also make the argument Arik should’ve had an even bigger lead, especially since Josh Allen, Miles Sanders, and Mark Andrews also had disappointing days. Christian McCaffrey (19 points) couldn’t carry Arik to the finish line alone, as his squad is the only one to be winless despite scoring more than 200 points.

JOP SUEY!!! (1-1) DEF. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (1-1)

119.30 – 103.64

The close proximity of the Gee-Taylor trade to the date of last week’s newsletter prevented me from giving my full perspective. But now, especially having faced one of the teams involved in the transaction, I can present my complete analysis — WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Who the fuck makes this kind of trade that quickly into the season? You’re literally trading QBs (I know there were other players involved, but quite frankly who gives a fuck) after just one game. Everyone and their mother knows not to be too reactionary after just one week. But y’all just go and swap your fucking QBs anyway. Now instead of having to face Aaron Rodgers (who still did well against the Lions), I suddenly have to deal with Kyler “Early MVP Favorite” Murray, who got ten more points than Rodgers. Throw in a literal career performance from Bobby Wanger of all people (who got almost as many points as Tom Brady during a five-TD performance) and there was literally nothing I could do. I was fucked, all because of a trade that objectively makes no fucking sense. 

49ERS (2-0) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (1-1)

131.10 – 111.42

Seriously, think about making that trade from the perspective of those involved. If you’re Taylor and you watch the defending league MVP have quite possibly the worst game of his career, there’s some logic in being concerned. But again, it’s just one week. Rodgers still has 16 games to fix things (judging by last weekend he’s well on his way), including six guaranteed dickings of the rest of the NFC North. You’ve got to have more faith in your QB, unless you can get someone widely considered to be better. That’s where Gee comes in, making a trade that makes even less sense from his perspective. Buying low on Rodgers stock would make sense if you have 2/3 of the league’s QBs. But you have Kyler Murray, someone universally ranked higher than Rodgers in fantasy. Gee put up one of the highest point totals in Week 1 (thanks to Murray’s 34 points) and thought, “you know what, I want the QB who put up three points instead.” The worst part is that Gee still has a strong team and won’t be punished as he should be for this moronic logic. 

THREE EYED RAVENS (1-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-2)

92.46 – 87.10

Turns out, Lamar Jackson (34 points) can lead a team to a win by himself — that team just has to be playing someone who puts up a pathetic amount of points. That team was Footballdamus, who disappointed in a number of ways. Jalen Hurts (21 points) played well enough, while Nick Chubb (16 points) and Mike Williams (15 points) provided decent support. But shockingly bad performances from D.K. Metcalf, Antonio Brown, Ronald Jones, and the Steelers defense sunk any potential of a good week. Having J.D. McKissic (15 points) in the lineup instead of the bench would’ve helped, but Riez still was in good position because Three Eyed Ravens were somehow having a worse week. Devin Singletary (15 points), Justin Jefferson (12 points), and Julio Jones (12 points) did well enough, but Alvin Kamara and George Kittle combined for fewer than five points, while Jason Sanders put up a goose egg. It would’ve taken a heroic effort by Jackson for Ewing to make up the difference. That’s exactly what happened, to the great chagrin of Riez.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-1) DEF. FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (0-2)

139.92 – 97.42

Remember that whole “God had abandoned us” thing I mentioned earlier? Here’s further proof of the Apocalypse. The Krispy Kritters — historic soft scorers — put up 139 friggin points — without the aid of a defensive player. That led to an absolute ass-whooping of Feel the Tanne-thrill, marking the first time in probably his entire life that Kyle has failed to top 100 points in back-to-back weeks. Kyle’s namesake, Ryan Tannehill, had a pedestrian effort and was still the second-highest scoring player (behind Travis Kelce’s 17 points). Despite Devante Adams, Chris Godwin, and Damien Harris each contributing a dozen points, Kareem Hunt and the Cardinals defense disappointed and kept Kyle at a smaller, but still respectable, score. However, that did not matter in the slightest. Another Titan — Derrick Henry — got back to form with a 41-point domination. Tyler Lockett (23 points), the Buccaneers defense (19 points), and Rob Gronkowski (15 points) added plenty more firepower. Savor the flavor, Richard — this was a legendary performance.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (2-0)
2. 49ers (2-0)
3. C’s New Champ Team (2-0)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1-1)
5. Gruden Grinders (1-1)
6. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (1-1)
7. Sleeping Giants (1-1)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (1-1)
9. Jop Suey!!! (1-1)
10. Yea baby! (0-2)
11. Feel the Tenne-thrill (0-2)
12. Footballdamus (0-1)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (257.10)
2. 49ers (249.16)
3. C’s New Champ Team (246.56)
4. The Krispy Kritters (230.30)
5. Gruden Grinders (227.68)
6. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (221.00)
7. Sleeping Giants (217.10)
8. Yea baby! (206.86)
9. Feel the Tanne-thrill (194.66)
10. Footballdamus (191.76)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (186.90)
12. Jop Suey!!! (179.62)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: With all due respect to Roquan Smith and Bobby Wagner, who each put up 20+ points as defenders, this honor has to go to another man. After a horrific Week 1 performance that left some claiming he was washed, Derrick Henry reminded everyone who’s the true RB king by throwing down a 41-point effort, single handedly turning a win for Richard into an absolute rout.

WORST: There were plenty of players who made some dramatically bad swings from Week 1 to Week 2 — Tyreek Hill, Amari Cooper, Alvin Kamara, etc. But for this particular honor, I’m going with Chandler Jones. After getting five goddamn sacks and thrusting himself to the top of DPOY talks, Jones put up a goose egg — not even a tackle. That wasn’t why Dad lost, but it didn’t help.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Despite his overall bad luck, Arik continues to prove he has an overall good football sense. Take for example his move to pick up Tim Patrick, who recorded a TD reception. Since the start of the 2020 season, no one on the Broncos has caught more TD passes. With Jerry Jeudy out for a while, Patrick could be the sneaky reason Arik gets a win — assuming his luck finally changes.

WORST: Chriss may have won this past week, but it wasn’t because of defense. After seeing them do a mediocre job against the Colts, Chriss added the Seahawks defense, who collapsed against the Titans. To bring on the Seahawks, Chriss had to cut another defense — that of the Panthers, who dominated the Saints for 12 points and are on the rise in rankings everywhere.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: With big names already entrenched in his WR spots and other options on both his bench and free agency, Nick kept Cooper Kupp in the lineup as his FLEX player. That proved to be quite a good decision, as Kupp put up a spectacular 27-point effort. After taking a backseat to the likes of Robert Woods for years, this year may be the time Kupp finally emerges as the Rams’ star.

WORST: Riez made not one, but two good transactions, adding both J.D. McKissic and Derek Carr. However, both players remained on Riez’s bench during a loss. While Carr’s improvement over Jalen Hurts wouldn’t have been enough to overturn the result, putting McKissic in for guys like Ronald Jones would’ve done the job and prevented Lamar Jackson’s miracle comeback.

LUCK

BEST: I’ve said a lot about Taylor replacing the guy who put up the worst performance of his career with someone who may win MVP. But as much as that bullshit helped him out, it wasn’t the only stroke of luck for Taylor. Despite the Seahawks defense’s overall poor effort, Bobby Wagner put up a franchise record 20 tackles. Wagner and Kyler Murray gave Taylor some great luck.

WORST: While I gave him shit for his lineup decisions, Riez also faced some really shitty luck. How the hell do D.K. Metcalf, Antonio Brown, and Ronald Jones fail to tally up double digits combined? Who could’ve predicted the Steelers defense would only contribute two points at home against a team who traditionally struggles on the East Coast? About that particular team…

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

We’re two weeks into the season. The Las Vegas Raiders are 2-0, with wins over playoff teams in the Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers. Those wins have come through strong defensive performances and despite a mediocre running game. The Raiders and Denver Broncos are leading the AFC West as the only two unbeaten teams in the conference. Derek Carr is a dark horse MVP candidate, while Maxx Crosby is in the early DPOY discussion.

What the fucking hell is going on?

That win over the Steelers was shocking, not only because a combination of offensive power (despite not having Josh Jacobs) and defensive stability produced a two-score win over a playoff team on the road in an early game on the East Coast. Oh wait, that’s exactly why that win was shocking. Most people predicted Baltimore and Pittsburgh would derail the Raiders’ season early and lead to a terrible year. Instead, Las Vegas is among the surprises of the early season and looking for even more early success. 

The possibility exists — just look at the next several games. Up next are the Miami Dolphins, who are without Tua Tagovailoa (yes, Carr is “questionable” but I doubt he misses this game). While Week 4’s opponent — the Los Angeles Chargers — scares me, the following four opponents — the Chicago Bears, Denver Broncos, Philadelphia Eagles, and New York Giants — do not. It’s not inconceivable that the Raiders could be anywhere from 8-0 to 6-2 halfway through the season, which is simply remarkable.

Of course, this also means I’ve stupidly forgotten the lessons being a Raiders fan has taught me over the past several years. We’re still in the first half of the season, meaning the Raiders can probably beat the 1972 Dolphins in their prime. Of course, the second half of the season Raiders would probably get slaughtered by the 2008 Detroit Lions. I want to believe this year is different, that this is the year the defense finally backs up the offense and the Raiders don’t have an epic second half collapse. But I know better. I can’t even celebrate this early, unexpected success properly in fear of the other shoe dropping. That foot will fall — it’s just a matter of when.  

STAT OF THE WEEK

The next best team has seven games. It’s insane just how dominant the Baltimore Ravens have been when it comes to rushing the ball, especially during such a pass-happy era. But what they’re doing this year may be the most impressive feat of them all

Look at the total rushing stats over the first two weeks. Not surprisingly, Baltimore leads the league with a whopping 440 yards (220 yards per game). The second place team, the Philadelphia Eagles, have 324 — 116 yards behind the Ravens. In fact, the gap between first and second place is greater than the gap between second and 20th (Washington, with 213 yards). The 116-point gap is also greater than the total amount of yards (114) the last place rushing team has gotten so far. To put the cherry on top, that team is the Pittsburgh Steelers.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 ROOKIE QB SEASONS EVER

Good news for Chicago Bears fans — they’ve got their wish! With Andy Dalton injured (ironically against the Cincinnati Bengals), Justin Fields will make his first career start this weekend. Fields relieved Dalton last week and looked, well, like a rookie QB. At least, how rookie QBs have traditionally been. Over the past decade or so, we’ve been spoiled by several QBs who have performed unexpectedly well, setting records and the league on fire. This year, it seems like we’re getting closer to how things have been. Trevor Lawrence and Zach Wilson have seen rough goddamn starts to their careers, while Mac Jones (on a better team) has not been terrible. That shouldn’t mean fans should give up hope — the likes of Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman have been horrible as rookies, only to turn around and produce HOF careers. But fans are hoping for instant success, just like for these QBs.

HONORABLE MENTION: JOE FLACCO/MARK SANCHEZ

Both Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez were thrust into the starting role as rookies and not only saw their teams thrive, but win playoff games. But as good (Flacco) and mediocre (Sanchez) as their careers ended up being, let’s be honest. Both got carried hard by a strong running game and defense as rookies, leading them being labeled “game managers” for the rest of their careers.

HONORABLE MENTION: GREG COOK

Meet one of the biggest “what ifs” in football history. Greg Cook torched the AFL as a rookie starter, leading the Cincinnati Bengals to a 3-0 record before injuring his shoulder. Despite this, Cook put up insane numbers and won OROY. However, offseason surgery revealed a torn rotator cuff and a partially detached biceps muscle. Cook’s career was basically over after that point.

HONORABLE MENTION: DIETER BROCK

Dieter Brock torched the NFL in his rookie season, leading the Los Angeles Rams to a 7-0 start, the NFC’s No. 2 seed, and the NFC Championship Game (only the 1985 Chicago Bears took him down). But Brock’s circumstances were a bit different than other rookie QBs — he was 34 years old, having spent the previous decade playing in the CFL, where he was twice named MOP.

10. MATT RYAN (2008)

Rarely has a QB been put into quite a position as a rookie as Matt Ryan. Taken third overall in 2008, Ryan was the new face of an Atlanta Falcons franchise that had just gone 4-12 after losing Michael Vick due to the dogfighting scandal and Bobby Petrino due to being an asshole. Imagine what Falcons fans were thinking as Ryan stepped back for his first ever NFL pass… and threw a 62-yard TD to Mochael Jenkins. That was a sign of things to come, as Ryan finished with 3,440 yards, 16 TDs, 11 INTs, and a 61.1% completion rate — good enough to take home NFL OROY honors. That powered one of the greatest single-season turnarounds in NFL history, with Atlanta finishing 11-5 and reaching the playoffs. Ryan has since proven that wasn’t a flash in the pan.

9. ANDREW LUCK (2012)

One of the most highly-touted QB prospects ever, Andrew Luck lived up to the hype after being taken first overall in 2012 (there are more QBs from this class still to come). In another terrific turnaround, the Indianapolis Colts went from 2-14 to 11-5 and reached the playoffs, where they fell to the eventual Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. That was in large part due to Luck, whose 4,374 passing yards remain a rookie record to this day. While his 23/18 TD to INT ratio and 54.1% completion rate aren’t terribly impressive, Luck also did a lot on the ground, adding another five TDs with his legs. On multiple occasions, Luck led the Colts to last-minute comeback wins, showing off a clutch attribute that he would carry for the rest of his much too short career.

8. BAKER MAYFIELD (2018)

Before Baker Mayfield, the Cleveland Browns had just completed the third winless season in NFL history and had yet to solve their decades-long QB crisis. In 2018, Tyrod Taylor led the Browns to an 0-2 start before being injured in Week 3. In came Mayfield, who brought Cleveland back to capture the franchise’s first win in 19 games, throwing for 201 yards (the first QB to throw 200+ yards while coming off the bench in a victory in his debut since Fran Tarkenton). While the Browns didn’t reach the playoffs, Mayfield took them back to respectability thanks to a then-rookie record 27 TDs (broken just last year) to 14 INTs, along with 3,725 yards and a 63.8% completion rate. Mayfield should get much more props for this, especially because he’s a Brown.

7. BEN ROETHLISBERGER (2004)

The great QB OROY trend began in 2004, with Ben Roethlisberger of all people. Roethlisberger wasn’t supposed to start, but was thrust into a late Week 2 loss to the Baltimore Ravens thanks to an injury to starter Tommy Maddox. The job was his for the rest of the season, during which Roethlisberger played okay, throwing for 2,621 yards, a 66.4% completion rate, 17 TDs, and 11 INTs. But most importantly, Roethlisberger didn’t fuck up, which is how the Pittsburgh Steelers finished the season with 13 straight wins — by far the most consecutive victories to start a rookie QB’s career. The Steelers earned the No. 1 seed, but fell in the AFC Championship Game to an opponent who would haunt Roethlisberger for the rest of his career — the New England Patriots.

6. RUSSELL WILSON (2012)

The next member of the 2012 Draft class and the one no one expected to have the most prolific career, Russell Wilson won the starting job over the highly-paid free agent signee Matt Flynn with a terrific preseason performance. Wilson justified the Seattle Seahawks’ faith in him by throwing for 3,118 yards, a 64.1% completion rate, 26 TDs, and just ten INTs. Four more TDs came on the ground, as Wilson proved his dual threat ability. Behind Wilson, the Seahawks finished 11-5 and made the playoffs, where they scored a win in the first round (over another QB on this list) and choked away another potential win in the next round. Wilson, not surprisingly, was named OROY and has kept his job ever since. Not bad for a 3rd round pick taken after Brandon Weeden.

5. CAM NEWTON (2011)

A top overall pick coming off a historic Heisman and national championship-winning season, Cam Newton somehow lived up to his lofty expectations. Although the Carolina Panthers finished 6-10 and failed to make the playoffs, Newton absolutely lit up the scoresheet. Newton showed off his gunslinger attitude, throwing for 4,051 yards (a then-rookie record) and 21 TDs — albeit on just a 60.0% completion rate with 17 INTs. However, where Newton truly made a difference was on the ground, where he racked up another 706 yards and an astounding 14 TDs. Not only would that total end up being a career high for Newton, but those 14 rushing TDs were the second-most by a single player (just behind LeSean McCoy with 17) in the NFL in 2011. That’s fucking incredible. 

4. ROBERT GRIFFIN III (2012)

The final member of the 2012 Draft class on this list is the one with the biggest “what if” marks surrounding him. The second overall pick that year was Robert Griffin III, the first NFL player to wear a Roman numeral on his jersey and the first starting QB born in the 1990’s. Griffin repped 90’s kids well, absolutely dazzling the league with his arm and feet. His 3,200 yards weren’t a whole lot, but his 65.6% completion rate and 20/5 TD to INT ratio were incredible. Throw in another seven TDs and 815 yards on the ground and Griffin was a phenom. However, a knee injury late in the season flared up in the Washington Redskins’ first round playoff game, ending Griffin’s season. Griffin would never be the same, though he remained in the league until 2020.

3. JUSTIN HERBERT (2020)

If all had gone as planned, Justin Herbert would’ve never made this list. The plan was for Herbert to ride the bench and learn from Tyrod Taylor, who led the Los Angeles Chargers to a Week 1 win in 2020. However, in one of the most bizarre incidents in NFL history, Taylor’s lung was punctured by a team doctor, forcing Herbert into the starting role against the defending champion Kansas City Chiefs. Herbert (who found out he was the starter 30 seconds before the game) performed beyond expectations and kept the job, putting together 4,336 yards (just behind Andrew Luck’s rookie record), a 66.6% completion rate, 31 TDs, and just 10 INTs. Despite being named OROY, Herbert was fucked on the field and in the win-loss record by being a member of the Chargers.

2. DAK PRESCOTT (2016)

While a back fracture suffered in the 2016 preseason wound up ending Tony Romo’s career, it did send him into the world of broadcasting, where he’s more beloved than he ever was as a player. It also paved the way for Dak Prescott to take the Dallas Cowboys’ starting job. While Prescott definitely had some bad moments, altogether he put up a staggeringly strong rookie campaign. Through all 16 games, Prescott finished with 3,667 passing yards, a 67.8% completion rate, and an amazing 23/4 TD to INT ratio. That ratio (as well as Prescott’s passer rating) remain rookie records, which don’t take into account his six rushing TDs. With Prescott, the Cowboys finished as the NFC’s top seed at 13-3, but were eliminated when Aaron Rodgers went Super Saiyan.  

1. DAN MARINO (1983)

Despite all of the historic rookie QB years since the turn of the millennium, no one has been able to surpass what Dan Marino did in 1983. Sitting behind David Woodley for the first five games of the season, Marino was handed the reins of the Miami Dolphins in Week 6, lighting up the stat sheets in a 38-35 loss to the Buffalo Bills (a lack of defensive help would be a theme across Marino’s career). Marino only lost one more game as starter and led Miami to a 7-2 record as a starter (and a 12-4 record overall). That was good enough for a playoff appearance, though the Dolphins would lose in the first round. Despite a 58.4% completion rate, Marino threw for 2,210 yards and 20 TDs, versus just six INTs. Marino was also named a second-team All-Pro.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 23, 2012, the craziest ending to a game in NFL history — that no one remembers — took place. With just over three minutes left in the 4th quarter, the Tennessee Titans and Detroit Lions were tied at 27-27 (having gotten to that score through a Lions TD and two-point conversion, followed by a Titans kickoff return for a TD). That’s when Nate Washington made an incredible catch (pictured above) and broke away for a 71-yard TD that gave Tennessee a 34-27 lead. Detroit drove to tie the game, only for Alterraun Verner to literally rip the ball away from Brandon Pettigrew and return it 71 yards for the TD. That not only made the Titans the first team ever to record five TDs of 60+ yards in a single NFL game, but seemingly put the contest away with the score at 41-27 with just 1:16 remaining. The Lions had even been forced to insert Shaun Hill in at QB due to a Matt Stafford injury. Hill managed to lead Detroit downfield, only to throw an INT to Verner in the end zone with less than 30 seconds remaining. However, roughing the passer was called, keeping the Lions alive. The very next play, Hill found Calvin Johnson to cut the deficit to 41-34 with fewer than 20 seconds left. Knowing the onside kick from Jason Hanson is coming, the Titans still somehow fuck it up, with the Lions recovering the ball. Still needing to travel 46 yards in 16 seconds, Detroit does exactly that, with Hill launching a bomb that Akeem Ayers knocks down — right into the hands of Titus Young, who falls into the end zone to unbelievably force the game into OT, tied 41-41. In the extra frame, Tennessee went back up with a FG. On Detroit’s ensuing drive, they moved the ball to the Titans’ seven-yard line — less than a yard short of a first down. Instead of going for a FG to tie the game, the Lions tried to move the chains. However, Hill’s QB sneak was stuffed and — after forcing a seemingly impossible OT and being given a chance to further extend the game — Detroit still managed to lose to Tennessee in the end, 44-41.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (2-0) VS. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (1-1)

Dixie Normous is on a roll — players like Dak Prescott and Tyreek Hill should bounce back, while Mike Evans, Cooper Kupp, and the Ravens defense should keep performing well. Nick may have to worry about T.J. Watt, although his overall success shouldn’t be too impacted. Meanwhile, Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell needs another great Tom Brady effort — as well as strong games from David Montgomery, D’Andre Swift, Stefon Diggs, and D.J. Moore — to keep up. I would also appreciate it if Saquon Barkley could finally play like a first round pick for once.

49ERS (2-0) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-1)

Lost in the fact that Nick is in first place is that Richard is in fourth, despite Antonio Brown, Justin Herbert, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire not quite living up to standard. However, Derrick Henry and Tyler Lockett have done phenomenally well for the Krispy Kritters, who face a daunting task. 49ers boast a solid lineup whose players are in 50-50 battles — they could just as easily keep killing it as well as they could fall flat. Chief among them is Aaron Rodgers, whose performance against the real life 49ers could play the biggest role in deciding who emerges victorious.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (2-0) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-1)

A classic Raiders fan matchup only features one player from Las Vegas — Darren Waller (Gruden Grinders). Jimmy is instead likely relying on a pair of Cowboys — Amari Cooper and Ezekiel Elliott — along with Russell Wilson. C’s New champ Team meanwhile is rooting for a pair of NFC West teams — the Rams (Matthew Stafford and Robert Woods) and Cardinals (DeAndre Hopkins, Chase Edmonds, and Isaiah Simmons) — to get the job done. Chriss and Jimme each have some other good weapons, although these are the biggest headliners for this weekend.

SLEEPING GIANTS (1-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-1)

Ah, two teams whose managers have unfiltered, passionate, unbreakable love for their QBs, who actually faced off last weekend. Both Pat Mahomes (Sleeping Giants) and Lamar Jackson (Three Eyed Ravens) are expected to light it up once again, though there are plenty of other interesting position battles. Adam Thielen (Dad) and Justin Jefferson (Ewing) will battle for points, while CeeDee Lamb (Dad) and Julio Jones (Ewing) will fight for their own catches. As for RBs, Aaron Jones and Tony Pollard (Dad) and Alvin Kamara and Devin Singletary (Ewing) are ready to roll.

FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (0-2) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-1)

Kyle is staring at a potential 0-3 start, which would be absolutely shocking. Standing in front of Feel the Tanne-Thrill is Jop Suey!!!, the defending champ given a whole bunch of momentum thanks to the stupid ass Kyler Murray trade. Unfortunately for Taylor, Keenan Allen, Allen Robinson, and Antonio Gibson face tough matchups, while Elijah Mitchell is among the shit ton of injured 49ers RBs. This is all good news for Kyle, who still has the likes of Davante Adams, Chris Godwin, Kareem Hunt, and Travis Kelce to help him. A potential x-factor: the Raiders defense. 

YEA BABY! (0-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (0-2)

Not only did the names Yea baby! and Footballdamus get roasted by Gabby, but both are also starring in the only matchup of winless teams this week. Arik has been snakebitten all season, but Riez may be facing worse odds. Antonio Brown has COVID-19, while Ronald Jones, D.K. Metcalf, and Kyle Pitts haven’t done as well as predicted. Arik sports the likes of Josh Allen, Calvin Ridley, Christian McCaffrey, and Miles Sanders, so if he manages to lose against the last place team he might just straight up rage quit the fantasy season out of pure frustration.

ONE LAST THING

If for whatever reason the next two newsletters are either lacking in content or straight up not in existence, it’s because I’m on vacation. Yes I’ve been to Cleveland, Detroit, Canton, Dallas, and Seattle in recent weeks. But this is my first true “fuck off for a few weeks” trip in two years. Guess where I’m going. The winner might get something from my trip. Anyway, later, bitches!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness