Ruben's Writings

Greetings from Italy! More on that next week.

Before I arrived here, I spent a couple of days in London — pretty much every flight from the U.S. to Italy had a lengthy delay in either New York or London, so I chose to chill in London. While there, I did as many touristy things as I could, checking out the Tower Bridge, Hyde Park, Shakespeare’s Globe, Royal Albert Hall, about two dozen embassies, and Emirates Stadium (where Arsenal unexpectedly beat the shit out of Tottenham, much to Kyle’s pleasure). But without a doubt the best thing I did was travel a bit north to Watford, where I took the “Making of Harry Potter” tour at Warner Bros. Studios.

It was, to put it mildly, fucking incredible. Literally everything from the Harry Potter film series — costumes, props, sets, concept art, mini-models, vehicles, creatures, special effects — has been preserved and put on display for people to see. This includes 4 Privet Drive, the Hogwarts Express, Gringotts Bank, the Great Hall, all of the various rooms/portraits inside Hogwarts, the Knight Bus, and items like the Sorcerer’s Stone, remembrall, snitch, Triwizard Cup, broomsticks, wands, and horcruxes. All of this is arranged in a three-hour tour that’s as amazing as it is long. There’s also a bar where you can buy butterbeer and a massive gift shop where I somehow avoided spending an entire paycheck on Harry Potter memorabilia. 
You may read that and come to the conclusion that I am a fucking nerd. You would be correct. I have to actively suppress my Harry Potter fandom out of fear I will annoy people to death. But given my recent brush with all things Harry Potter and this being the last year of the newsletter (read: deal with it, bitches), I’m not holding back any more. 
Wingardium leviosa, motherfuckers.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (2-1) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (2-1)

119.08 – 111.42

Of course the week after Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell loses to the last place team they beat the first place team. Dixie Normous has to feel a bit screwed — they scored the third-highest points of anyone in the league, yet dealt their first loss of the season. That’s despite a terrific day from Cooper Kupp (21 points), along with strong efforts by Austin Ekeler (16 points), Melvin Gordon (14 points), and Daniel Carlson (13 points). However, Tyreek Hill went missing again and the defensive side of the ball (the Ravens and Zack Baun, who I’ve honestly heard of before writing this) was incredibly disappointing. But Nick had the bad luck of facing the highest-scoring team in the league, which was… wait a minute. THAT WAS ME?!?! I need to go overseas more often. Tom Brady (28 points) was up to his usual standard, while D’Andre Swift (16 points), Tyler Bass (14 points), and D.J. Moore went off as well. Let’s also give it up for Saquon Barkley (15 points), who finally decided to show up. Dak Prescott (20 points) didn’t do enough to overcome all that. 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-0) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-2)

106.22 – 102.52

The drama at the top means there’s a new first place team — it’s the same team that topped the standings after Week 1. C’s Champion Team didn’t get there easily, as Gruden Grinders gave them a run for their money. Both squads got hot early, with Justin Tucker (17 points) and Alexander Mattison (17 points) raging for Chriss and Ja’Marr Chase (19 points) and James Robinson (19 points) responding for Jimmy. But as the games went on, both guys saw some disappointments. DeAndre Hopkins, Robert Woods, T.J. Hockenson, Darren Waller, the Patriots defense, and Blake Martinez all fell well below expectations. The difference came in the QBs — Matt Stafford (29 points) was spectacular while Russell Wilson (16 points) was nearly outscored by Chris Carson (14 points). Chriss was ahead, but Jimmy had a shot on Monday Night. Ezekiel Elliott (23 points) rose to the challenge. However, a hobbled Amari Cooper didn’t even have an average game. His poor performance ultimately cost Jimmy his chance of pulling off the upset.

49ERS (3-0) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2)

99.14 – 91.44

Flying under the radar a bit are the 49ers, who despite a sluggish week managed to remain among the league’s unbeaten teams. After losing two straight Epic Bowls, maybe Gee paid a sorcerer to grant him immortality this year. How else do you explain a nearly double-digit win when your highest-scoring position is defense? The Broncos defense (19 points) outscored Daniel Jones, who Gee decided to use instead of Aaron Rodgers (I don’t fucking know, man). Apart from them, only Najee Harris (15 points) even finished in double-digits. So how the fuck did Gee win? The Krispy Kritters dropped the ball. The fact that even happened is incredible given that Richard had Justin Herbert (30 points), Derrick Henry (16 points), and Clyde Edwards-Helaire (14 points). However, Richard got nothing from the Buccaneers defense and an injured A.J. Brown. Tyler Lockett, Leonard Fournette, and Rob Gronkowski also had perhaps their worst efforts of the year. Richard’s shortcomings meant Gee got to escape with yet another win. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-1) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-2)

113.70 – 94.08

Continuing to lurk just below me in the standings (get used to it) is Sleeping Giants, who rebounded from a tough loss with the second-best performance of the week. Against Three Eyed Ravens, it was a battle of the QBs who had just squared off on Monday Night. Both Pat Mahomes (24 points) and Lamar Jackson (20 points) did well for Dad and Ewing, respectively. Each side saw their share of nice efforts, as well as disappointments. Aaron Jones (15 points) and Adam Thielen (11 points) did well enough for Dad, though the bigger headlines were the overall mediocre efforts from about half of his roster. Ewing meanwhile saw great days from Justin Jefferson (17 points) and Alvin Kamara (17 points) wiped away by overall poor efforts from the likes of Devin Singletart, Julio Jones, and DeVonta Smith. Ultimately, the difference can be seen in the defenses — the 20-point disparity between the Saints defense (Dad) and Chiefs defense (Ewing) was the margin of victory. Dad had better hope defense wins championships. 

FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (1-2) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-2)

108.88 – 86.84

It’s highly unusual to see Kyle wait until Week 3 to pick up his first win of the season. But here we are, as Feel the Tanne-thrill finally does what their name implies. Ryan Tannehill (24 points) led the squad in scoring, while Kyle also got big boosts from the Cardinals defense (21 points) and Davante Adams (19 points). Despite a couple of stinkers — Damien Harris, Rondale Moore, Chris Boswell — Kyle had decent performances from the rest of his lineup to post a respectable score. Interestingly, it could’ve been even better (just look at how many points Kyle left on the bench). But it didn’t matter in the end, because Jop Suey!!! had no answers. Kyler Murray (19 points) and Antonio Gibson (16 points) did well enough, but Taylor was let down by the likes of Deebo Samuel, Allen Robinson, and Evan Engram. The Raiders defense also didn’t get that many points, although they still did well overall (more on that later). Way to go back down to fewer than 90 points, Taylor, right after you perform unexpectedly well just in time to beat me. Bullshit.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-2) DEF. YEA BABY! (0-3)

101.44 – 90.62

Footballdamus is finally in the win column. Riez took every bit of shit I threw at him last week and gave it right back, so props I guess. Jalen Hurts (22 points) had a bounce back effort, while D.K. Metcalf (16 points) powered through for his biggest effort of the season so far. Despite bad days from Ronald Jones, Kyle Pitts, and the Steelers defense, Riez got more than enough from Mike Williams (26 points) to emerge victorious. But with every winner there must be a loser — in this case it’s Yea baby!, who gets the inglorious honor of being the last team to pick up a win this season. While 90 points is somewhat respectable, Arik’s performance was low key awful. Josh Allen (37 points) going the fuck off is the only reason this matchup wasn’t an utter blowout. Only Mark Andrews also tallied double-digits (and he barely made the mark). Calvin Ridley, Marvin Jones, Myles Sanders, and the Bills defense all turned in poor efforts. To make matters worse, Christian McCaffrey is out for a few weeks. Arik’s nightmarish start to the season marches on.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. C’s New Champ Team (3-0)
2. 49ers (3-0)
3. Dixie Normous (2-1)
4. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (2-1)
5. Sleeping Giants (2-1)
6. Gruden Grinders (1-1)
7. The Krispy Kritters (1-2)
8. Feel the Tanne-thrill (1-2)
9. Footballdamus (1-2)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (1-2)
11. Jop Suey!!! (1-2)
12. Yea baby! (0-3)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (368.52)
2. C’s New champ Team (352.78)
3. 49ers (347.80)
4. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (340.08)
5. Sleeping Giants (330.80)
6. Gruden Grinders (330.20)
7. The Krispy Kritters (321.74)
8. Feel the Tanne-thrill (302.54)
9. Yea baby! (296.98)
10. Footballdamus (294.20)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (279.98)
12. Jop Suey!!! (266.46)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Josh Allen kept things close for Arik, but his effort might’ve been enough to steal a win had it not been for Mike Williams. His 26-point effort was able to give Riez some much-needed room between himself and Arik — it also balanced out bad days from several of Riez’s key roster spots. After last week’s embarrassment, it’s nice to see Riez bounce back — thanks a lot to Williams.

WORST: Jimmy may have gotten a huge help from Ezekiel Elliott, but had Amari Cooper even gotten just over half of his expected point total, he would’ve managed to pull off the upset. Instead, a hobbled Cooper was seemingly the only member of the Cowboys who didn’t run wild over the Eagles. This marks Cooper’s second low effort after his 25-point barrage in Week 1.

TRANSACTION

BEST: With Dalvin Cook banged up, Chriss was in need of a temporary replacement. He didn’t need to look any further than Cook’s own team. Alexander Mattison was quickly snatched off the waiver wire and promptly played well in Cook’s absence, putting up 17 points for Chriss. Given how Chriss barely managed to hold on against Jimmy, Mattison was quite the smart pick-up.

WORST: Nick was tasked with finding a temporary replacement for an injured T.J. Watt. His choice: Zack Baun. Why? I’m not entirely sure — nothing in his history makes him a notable player. Surely there were better options available. Trevon Diggs is one of the names that comes to mind. If Diggs was in the lineup instead, Nick would’ve beaten me. So thanks for that, man!

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: After two weeks of jack and shit, it was tempting for me to sit Saquon Barkley and start someone like Corey Davis instead. However, a combination of my faith in my first round pick and me being on vacation stopped me from making the move. Barkley responded with 15 points — by far his best game of the year — while Davis did nothing on the bench. Good thing I was lazy.

WORST: Kyle may have won, but things could have been even better. I’ve rarely seen such a productive bench in my life. Kareem Hunt (21 points) and Zach Moss (15 points) lead the way, while Christian Kirk, Brandon Aiyuk, and Jamaal Williams each finished with double-digits. Throw in Trevor Lawrence and Kyle left nearly 80 points on the bench. Fortunately, it didn’t haunt him.

LUCK

BEST: As it turns out, Justin Tucker’s record 66-yard FG (more on that later) didn’t just decide the Ravens-Lions game. His kick — helped by a non-call on a delay of game and a good bounce off the crossbar — gave Chriss another five points because it was more than 50 yards long. Flash forward to Monday Night and Chriss beats Jimmy by four. That was quite a fortunate bounce.

WORST: Unquestionably this has to go to Nick, who scored the third-most points out of anyone (and only eight fewer than the top scorer), only to fall because he was playing that top scorer. It was also the way he lost — Saquon Barkley having his best game against Nick, Tyreek Hill not doing shit, the Ravens defense struggling with the Lions — that adds an extra level of shittiness.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Less than two days before I flew to Europe, my friend Mark (the guy Dad and I met when flying home from Cleveland) offered me end zone seats for the Raiders-Dolphins game. I honestly looked into changing my flight and foregoing London altogether. But it would’ve been way too expensive and cumbersome to change my schedule so late (plus the ticket was $400). But even as I sat in my hostel bed after a fun day of exploring the U.K.’s biggest city, I couldn’t help but imagine how I’d have felt watching Las Vegas and Miami go at it in person, getting several heart attacks in Allegiant Stadium instead of watching my screen thousands of miles away.

As for the game itself, I honestly don’t know whether to be happy or angry at the Raiders’ performance. But quite frankly I don’t care. The Raiders are 3-0, with wins over three teams everyone thought would make the playoffs (granted that doesn’t mean a whole lot, but it’s a whole lot better than the Denver Broncos’ 3-0 record for example). The more Las Vegas wins now, the less likely the inevitable late-season collapse will ruin potential playoff chances. 

For now, let’s just relax and enjoy Derek Carr being an MVP candidate and the Kansas City Chiefs being last in the AFC West.  

STAT OF THE WEEK

Adam Gase should never work in football again. Instead, the Sacramento Kings should immediately fire Luke Walton and hire Gase as head coach. Then, after two more years of tanking, fire him and we’ll win the championship. Either way, still fire Walton.

Speaking of terrible coaches…

Matt Nagy needs to be fired.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 WORST DETROIT LIONS REGULAR SEASON LOSSES

Justin Tucker made history on Sunday, nailing a 66-yard FG to set a new NFL record. That kick — which doinked off the crossbar — also came as time expired, allowing the Baltimore Ravens to edge out the Detroit Lions. While Tucker is (rightfully) getting huge praise for his historic kick, he shouldn’t have gotten a chance to kick it from that distance. The referees missed an obvious delay of game on Baltimore the play beforehand, allowing the Ravens to pick up five extra yards (which as it turns out were needed). But it doesn’t matter. Even if it was from 71 yards, the kick still would’ve gone through. Why? Because it’s the Lions. Losing on an NFL-record FG as time expired after a horrific no-call (on a day where another team had a 68-yard FG attempt returned for a TD) is just another day in the office for Detroit. Don’t believe me? I won’t even include this game of even playoff losses. There’s still plenty of options to choose from.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE PLAYOFFS

That doesn’t mean there aren’t any painful playoff losses in Lions history. There was the famous no-call for pass interference against the Dallas Cowboys in 2015, the last-minute loss to the Green Bay Packers (who Detroit had beaten the week before) in 1994 where Sterling Sharpe was left wide open, Eddie Murray’s missed FG that sent the San Francisco 49ers to the NFC Championship Game instead of the Lions in 1983, and the often overshadowed 5-0 loss to the eventual NFC champ Cowboys in 1970. There aren’t many Detroit playoff games to pick from.

HONORABLE MENTION: BARRY SANDERS & CALVIN JOHNSON

Beyond the losses and (lack of) wins, there’s also the overall losing culture in Detroit. Many great players have failed to win with the Lions, none more so than Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson. Both can make the claim that they’re one of the best (if not the best) players in NFL history. Yet, both of them combined to win just one playoff game. We can now add Matt Stafford (who looks like a whole new QB with the Los Angeles Rams) to the list. Someday, the Lions might actually be able to keep a superstar for their entire career without wasting their talents. But not anytime soon.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE OTHER JUSTIN TUCKER KICK

Of course, Sunday wasn’t the first time Justin Tucker hit a 60+ yard FG to beat the Lions. Back in 2013, Detroit held a large lead in the NFC North in the middle of the season. But a losing streak threatened to drop them in the standings. In Week 15, Detroit still held a slim lead when the Baltimore Ravens came to town. The Lions managed to keep Baltimore out of the end zone all game. However, they couldn’t silence Tucker, who hit six FGs. The last of those was a 61-yarder as time expired to give the Ravens a 18-16 win. The Lions would go on to fail to win the division.

10. UN-BEARABLE COLLAPSE

Week 1 set the tone for the Lions in 2020. After a sluggish start, the Lions offense got going in the second quarter to take a 13-6 lead over the Chicago Bears — that grew to a 20-6 lead to begin the second half. Even though the Bears cut that lead to 23-13 early in the 4th quarter, the Lions were still in control with four minutes remaining. Then the collapse began — Matt Prater missed a 55-yard FG, with Chicago taking advantage and getting a quick TD. Then Matthew Stafford’s pass was batted into the air, with the Bears catching the ball. Just a few minutes later, Anthony Miller gave Chicago the lead. Detroit still had a chance to win, getting close to the end zone. However, D’Andre Swift dropped the potential game-winning TD pass, as the Lions fell 27-23.

9. A CHALLENGING THANKSGIVING

The Lions have been a permanent fixture on the NFL’s Thanksgiving schedule, which has led to some incredible turkey-esque behavior over the years. Perhaps there’s no greater example than what happened in 2012. Detroit was leading the Houston Texans 24-14 when Justin Forsett appeared to have been tackled, only to get up and run for an 81-yard TD to cut the lead to 24-21. Because it was a scoring play, it would’ve automatically been reviewed. However, Lions head coach Jim Schwartz threw a challenge flag, which because of stupid NFL rules meant the play couldn’t be reviewed and Detroit got a 15-yard penalty. The Texans would end up winning 34-31 in OT after the Lions missed a FG and dropped a wide open INT on back-to-back possessions.

8. THE OTHER RECORD-SETTING KICK

Justin Tucker’s 66-yard blast was just the second NFL-record FG given up by the Lions. Back in 1970, Detroit was leading New Orleans 17-16 with just two seconds left. Incredibly, the Saints trotted out Tom Dempsey to attempt a 63-yard kick. This was particularly outstanding when it happened, given that at the time the record length for an NFL FG kick was a whopping 56 yards. Adding to the event was that Dempsey had half a foot on his kicking leg, although some people argue this actually helped him out due to being able to strike the ball with a flat surface. As you’ve probably figured out by now, Dempsey made the historic kick (his record stood until 2013) and the Lions lost 19-17. This was also just one of two wins New Orleans would achieve in 1970.

7. THE SYMBOL OF FUTILITY

It was the defining image of the first 0-16 season in NFL history and came to define the Lions as a while — Dan Orlovsky accidentally running out of the back of the end zone for a safety. Detroit would end up losing that game by two points along with the rest of their games in 2008. But the safety only tells part of the story. The Lions missed a chance to extend their lead in the 4th quarter when Calvin Johnson was ruled to have fumbled after a 32-yard catch. Replays showed he was clearly down, though the call stood. Even so, Minnesota was still having a 2nd and 20 deep in their own territory in the closing minutes. However, a pass interference penalty against Leigh Bodden gave the Vikings new life — they kicked a FG with nine seconds left to win 12-10.

6. OH SNAP

While the Lions sat at just 5-8 going into Week 15 in 2004, they still had postseason ambitions — two 8-8 teams would make the playoffs that year. But they had to win their last three games, starting with the Minnesota Vikings. That prospect looked slim when Minnesota took a 28-21 lead with just 1:44 remaining. However, Joey Harrington proceeded to lead Detroit down the field and hit Roy Williams for a TD with 12 seconds left. All that separated this game from OT was the extra point. Rookie LS Don Muhlbach bounced the snap on the ground, with the delay allowing the defense to snuff out the kick attempt and hand the Lions a 28-27 loss. Naturally, the Vikings were one of those 8-8 playoff teams. At least Muhlbach recovered to have a 16-year career in Detroit.

5. PLAYING THE WIND

Soldier Field was being rebuilt in 2002, so all Chicago Bears home games took place at Memorial Stadium (the home of Illinois’ football team). Even more exposed to the Windy City’s elements, opposing teams faced even worse conditions than usual late in the season. That was the case when the Lions came to town in Week 12. But despite the wind, Detroit held a 17-7 lead with less than three minutes left. Naturally, Chicago made a late rally, tying the game with a FG as time expired. Fortunately for the Lions, they won the coin toss at the start of OT. But instead of taking the ball, head coach Marty Mornhinweg picked a side to defend, later saying he was factoring the wind into his decision. It didn’t matter — a Paul Edinger FG gave the Bears a 20-17 OT win. 

4. MERRY CHRISTMAS

On Christmas Eve in 2000, the Detroit Lions had the chance to give their fans a perfect present. With a win over the 5-10 Chicago Bears in the final week of the season, Detroit would go to the playoffs. The Lions jumped out to a 10-0 lead, which they blew. But a Stoney Case TD gave Detroit a 17-13 advantage in the 4th quarter. Then shit got crazy. Case threw a pick six that put Chicago up 20-17. But the Bears fumbled at their ten-yard line, leading to a Lions FG that tied the game at 20-20. A Chicago punt gave Detroit a chance to drive down the field. However, a Case fumble in Bears territory gave Chicago one more shot with less than 40 seconds left. Cade McNown got the Bears close enough and Paul Edinger kicked a FG to complete the 23-20 finish.

3. THE ILLEGAL BAT

Everyone remembers the Fail Mary when it comes to controversial Seattle Seahawks moments on Monday Night Football. But not as many think of what happened in Week 4 of 2015, when the Lions came to town. Surprisingly, Detroit had a chance to beat the defending NFC champs late. Starting at their own nine-yard line, the Lions drove to the Seahawks’ doorstep. Matthew Stafford hit Calvin Johnson, who dove at the one-yard line for the potential winning score. However, Kam Chancellor punched the ball out of Johnson’s arms. As it bounced, K.J. Wright batted the ball out of the back of the end zone, which is illegal and should’ve given Detroit the ball back. But the referees instead called it a touchback, allowing Seattle to run out the clock on the 13-10 finish.

2. WHAT IS A CATCH?

One of the biggest modern day officiating controversies — what exactly defines a catch — began in 2010. Naturally, the Lions were on the business end of the questionable call. Late in their opening game against the Chicago Bears, Detroit trailed 19-14 but was driving for the potential winning score. With about 30 seconds left, Shaun Hill threw a 25-yard pass to Calvin Johnson, who seemingly caught the ball in the end zone to give the Lions the lead. However, the pass was ruled to be incomplete because Johnson did not “complete the catch during the process of the catch.” Detroit would lose the game and the NFL would institute a new rule saying that the player must maintain possession throughout the catch — it’s known as the Calvin Johnson rule.  

1. THE MIRACLE IN MOTOWN

Back in 2015, I had a coworker who was a Lions fan. The team would piss him off every week, but he’d always be back. The maddest I’ve ever seen him was during Detroit’s Week 13 clash with the Green Bay Packers. Incredibly, the Lions had a 17-0 halftime lead that became 20-0 in the 3rd quarter. Then the Packers got hot, eventually trailing just 23-20. They got the ball back with just a few seconds left and seemingly lost when a pass fell incomplete. But thanks to a face mask penalty described as “tacky,” Green Bay got one more shot. Aaron Rodgers unleashed a Hail Mary, which was caught by Richard Rodgers in the end zone. The Lions lost 27-23 and my co-worker yelled “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?” before storming out. I don’t blame him.

Anyway, let’s balance this with a positive Lions memory.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On September 30, 2007, the Detroit Lions made an incredible comeback thanks to the greatest 4th quarter performance in NFL history. After scoring a FG on their opening drive against the Chicago Bears, Detroit went quiet on offense for the next 40 minutes of gametime. Meanwhile, a Muhsin Muhammad TD catch and two Robbie Gould FGs gave Chicago a 13-3 lead going into the 4th quarter, which began with the Lions just outside the Bears’ end zone. The madness began on the first play of the quarter, as Jon Kitna hit Shaun McDonald for a short TD strike to cut the lead to 13-10. On Chicago’s ensuing drive, Keith Smith picked off Brian Griese and returned it 64 yards to the house to give Detroit a sudden 17-13 lead. That lead lasted for less than 20 seconds, during which time Devin Hester returned the ensuing kickoff for a score. Undeterred,Kitna led the Lions back downfield, capping the drive with a TD pass to Troy Walers for the fourth TD in five game minutes. The scoring stopped when Detroit’s defense forced a three-and-out, with the offense trying to run as much clock as they could. The Lions ended up running into the end zone, with Kevin Jones’ score putting them up 30-20 (the extra point was blocked) with just over three minutes left. A desperate drive by Chicago resulted in a Desmond Clark TD catch to cut the lead to three points. On the ensuing onside kick, Detroit didn’t just recover the ball — Casey Fitzsimmons took it to the end zone to snuff out the Chicago comeback. In a game that stood at 13-3 with 15 minutes left, Detroit had prevailed 37-27. Both teams combined for 48 points in the final frame — three times as many as they had produced in the first 45 minutes. The Lions’ 34 4th quarter points remain an NFL record for the final quarter. That win helped Detroit to a stunning 6-2 start to the season, although they collapsed with a 1-7 record down the stretch, although they would wish they could do as well the following season.

On September 30, 2012, the New England Patriots beat up on the Buffalo Bills. While that isn’t exactly surprising (especially given the past 20 years or so), this occasion was historic for what the Patriots did in the second half. After scoring the game’s opening TD, New England’s offense got held in check for quite a while. The Bills took advantage, going up 21-7 with 11:08 left in the 3rd quarter. But just when Buffalo began to believe it could earn a rare win over their rivals, New England did the football version of this meme. In just a few minutes, Tom Brady hit Danny Woodhead to cut the lead to 21-14. Then, after a three-and-out by Buffalo, Brady found the end zone himself to tie the game. The Bills couldn’t get anything going on their next drive and — just as the 4th quarter began — a TD pass to Rob Gronkowski put the Patriots up 28-21. Things fell even further apart for Buffalo when their next two drives ended in turnovers — a Fred Jackson fumble and a Ryan Fitzpatrick INT — and were followed by New England TDs — runs by Stevan Riley and Brandon Bolden. In just a little over 15 minutes of game time, the Patriots had gone from down 21-7 to up 42-21 — and they weren’t done there. Although the Bills fought back with a Brad Smith TD pass, Brandon Lloyd got a TD pass of his own, then Stephen Gostkowski added a FG to put a cherry on top of things.The final score, 52-28, hides the fact that the Patriots scored 45 points in the second half — the first team to do so in a game they were trailing since the New York Giants in 1950. In addition, New England became just the second team to ever finish with a 300-yard passer (Brady), two 100-yard RBs (Bolden and Ridley), and two 100-yard WRs (Gronkowski and Wes Walker). Buffalo, meanwhile, just added onto the sad pile. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 REASONS THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN THE MOVIES

The Harry Potter movies were fantastic and awesome and overall faithful to the books. However, they weren’t without their flaws. For example, the transition from the more childlike Chris Columbus style to the dramatic contrasting shots/everyone bleeding and dying style of David Yates could’ve been handled better. Why does everyone (even while at Hogwarts) dress like either 1920’s gangsters or World War II-era commoners when this story is supposed to take place in the 1990’s? Why do spells look like they’re wet and spewing liquid when they’re being used? Why the fuck are Daniel Radcliffe’s eyes not the same color as that of any of the actresses who played Lily Potter, even though it states clearly in the book that Harry has his mother’s eyes (I actually know the answer, but still).

That last point brings up a common problem faced by people trying to make a movie out of a book — what to include and what can be cut. If everything in the Harry Potter books was also included in films, they would be at least twice as long. This wasn’t a problem for some of the early movies, whose books were relatively short. However, the books soon grew to be quite large, meaning more and more had to be cut out in order to not make these movies longer than Gone with the Wind (bad example — it was also based on a book). In order to stay as close to the main plot as possible, a lot of side plots had to be cut from the later movies. Sadly, that included several scenes which were not only enjoyable but added more depth and complexity to the characters. Here are a few of the biggest pieces I felt the films sorely missed.

HONORABLE MENTION: SUBTLE DIFFERENCES

Overall, there are so many little things that can really only be expressed in writing that are absent from the movies. This goes beyond the “Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?” meme. The overall tone of the story — even in the later, more serious books — is still pretty funny, thanks to the particular wording. The characters also swear (or are interrupted just before they swear) way more than they do in the movies. Chief among them are Harry (who is sassy as fuck in the books) and Ron (who swears all the goddamn time). The little things go a long way in the books.

HONORABLE MENTION: CONNECTION BETWEEN WORLDS

As a whole, the movies do a good job of addressing the need to keep the magic world and muggle world separate. However, there are still several instances where we see the impact of the magic world on the muggle world. This starts in the very first chapter of the very first book, when Vernon ignores various reports of weird shennanigans — including large flocks of owls both in the city and at his home. In addition, there’s a scene in the sixth book where the Prime Minister of the U.K. meets with the Minister of Magic, in order to be informed of the major events of the plot.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE FATE OF THE ELDER WAND

Towards the very end of the final movie, something happens that the fan base did not like. After Voldemort is defeated and Harry, Ron, and Hermione contemplate what to do now — especially with the Deathly Hallows — Harry decides to snap the Elder Wand (the most powerful wand in existence) in half and throw it into the abyss. That inspired this gif, because what happens in the books is that Harry uses that wand to repair his old one (this is the only way it can be fixed). He then decides to keep the Elder Wand and let its power disappear after he dies undefeated.

10. THE MISSING CHALLENGES

In the first movie, Harry, Ron, and Hermione must navigate several obstacles put in place by their professors in order to reach the Sorcerer’s Stone (and prevent Voldemort from getting it). Five of those challenges (Fluffy the three-headed dog, the Devil’s Snare, the flying keys, the life-sized moving chess set, and the Mirror or Erised) were shown in the movie. But there were two more challenges that didn’t make the cut. The first was another troll (like the ony in the girl’s bathroom) that had been put to sleep. The other (and more important) was Professor Snape’s challenge — a logic puzzle involving seven potions. Hermione is able to figure out which one lets her go back to help an injured Ron and which one Harry needs to take to keep going. This scene was likely cut for time, but Hermione still got to shine in the movie by being the one to figure out the Devil’s Snare (Ron was the one who helped Hermione make it through in the book). Also, the number 7 is significant in the magical world, so taking away a huge example of that is fairly noticeable.

9. ARIANA DUMBLEDORE

The last movie briefly — briefly — touches on Ariana Dumbledore, Professor Dumbledore’s late sister. She was traumatized by an attack by muggle boys as a young girl and repressed her magic, which manifested itself in outbursts (including one that killed their mother). With their father in Azkaban for attacking the muggle boys in revenge, Albus had to look after her. But he was young and selfish and ignored her in favor of his friend/lover, Gellert Grindelwald. That (plus his desire to learn about the Deathly Hallows and gain power) led to Grindelwald and Albus’ brother, Aberforth, dueling. Ariana was killed in the chaos, devastating Albus and causing him to come to his senses. When Harry learns all of this in the final book, it causes him to feel greatly hurt, having known little about the man who was arguably his biggest ally against Voldemort. A lot of this backstory is being explained in the Fantastic Beasts series, although let’s be honest that series has done almost as much harm after the main series ended as J.K. Rowling on Twitter.

8. HARRY & GINNY’S RELATIONSHIP

In the movies, Ginny is a hilarious side character whose relationship with Harry gets cranked up to 11 in the sixth film, when they become a couple. In the books, this shit happens way more organically — it’s built up much more beautifully and the payoff is much better. The second film did a good job with portraying how things started, when Ginny literally ran away in fear of her crush being in her home (and then the whole Chamber of Secrets thing). But after that, what the movies don’t show is how close Ginny and Harry get over the course of the next few years — friends, only because Harry is both clueless and has eyes for Cho Chang. But after Harry sees Ginny and Dean Thomas together, those feelings spring up in a funny and relatable way in the books. How they finally kiss — in the Gryffindor common room after a triumphant quidditch march instead of in the Room of Requirement — is different as well. Afterwards, they’re a thing, one whose status actually impacts the plot. Ginny isn’t the only Weasley with a lack of character development.

7. PERCY’S REDEMPTION

As the movies kept going, Percy’s screen time kept shrinking. This wasn’t the biggest concern by fans given that he was both a minor side character and the biggest git in the entire series. But Percy’s story is arguably the largest redemption arc of them all. Percy has always been in love with authority, thriving in his role as prefect and head boy with Gryffindor. That affair continues after he graduates from Hogwarts, during which time he becomes a brown-noser with the Ministry of Magic. It’s this devotion to authority that blinds Percy to what the Ministry is doing — ignoring the threat of a returning Voldemort and trying to exert their authority whenever possible. This causes a huge rift between Percy and his family, particularly his younger siblings. After everything goes to shit and the Ministry is overthrown, Percy realizes his mistake and reconciles with his family — just before Fred is killed. I understand why this (among other side plots) were ultimately cut from the movies. However, it would’ve been fun to see this played out on the big screen.

6. BILL & CHARLIE

Speaking of under-shown Weasleys, the two oldest children — Bill and Charlie — are barely represented in the movies. Bill gets introduced in the last film during his wedding with Fleur Delacour, albeit briefly before we get some scenes at their seaside home. It’s also just glossed over that Bill was attacked by Fenrir Greyback and is now part werewolf. In the books, we get to know a little bit more about Bill before he’s attacked, giving more weight to that moment and what happens afterwards. But at least Bill gets screen time. Apart from an incredibly brief shot of him in a family photo in the third movie during the explanation of the Weasleys’ trip to Egypt, Charlie is never seen in the films — only mentioned. Not only is this sad because it means we don’t get to properly know a Weasley, but Charlie is cool. He works in Romania studying dragons and helps the crew get rid of Norbert during the first book. While he’s probably the least important Weasley when it comes to the overall plot, it still would’ve been nice for Charlie to at least get a line.

5. PEEVES

By far the most prominent Harry Potter character to not appear in the movies was Peeves, who definitely lived up to his name throughout the books. Peeves is a poltergeist — a spirit who’s not a ghost but definitely not alive — whose role is to essentially cause chaos wherever he goes. He’s been a part of Hogwarts since its founding, throwing shit at students, breaking things, and being a source of general tomfoolery. It’s said that Peeves is a manifestation of the students’ mischief. Throughout the books, he constantly serves as an unexpected obstacle at the worst possible times. But even though he’s the epitome of “chaotic evil” he still has some redeeming qualities — not only does he target Dolores Umbridge during her time at Hogwarts, but he joins in the battle against Voldemort at the end. At least one scene with Peeves was filmed for the first movie, but that was cut from the final film and Peeves as a whole was written out of the rest of the series. Again, Peeves wasn’t an essential character, but he was a damn fun one who was missed. 

4. SPEW-ING OVER HOUSE ELVES

While house-elves were included in the movies (Dobby and Kreacher), there were far more of them in the books. One of those was Winky, a house-elf employed by and later fired by Barty Crouch, Sr. Dobby (who had a lot more appearances in between books two and seven) manages to get Winky a job at Hogwarts, working with many other house-elves to clean, cook, and take care of the grounds and students (it wasn’t just magic doing all that work). When Hermione discovers what the house-elves do, she decides to essentially form a student-run union to protect them: Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (SPEW for short). It fails miserably; she not only fails to recruit all but a few members but the house-elves themselves (who actually enjoy their work) see Hermione’s actions as an insult and go on strike. While the cause isn’t for nothing (house-elves are greatly mistreated in society), SPEW and house-elves weren’t big enough to remain in the films. But they do serve to set up one major plot point that had to be changed.

3. THE REAL FIRST KISS

When Ron and Hermione finally embrace their feelings for each other by kissing after destroying Helga Hufflepuff’s cup in the Chamber of Secrets, it was a nice moment and one fans had been waiting seven movies to see. However, that scene was entirely made up for the film — the real first kiss between the two happened in a much different context, thanks to the subjects of the previous paragraph. During the Battle of Hogwarts, Ron and Hermione do in fact use a basilisk fang to destroy the cup, but they don’t kiss in the chamber and instead meet up with Harry. Trying to get out safely, Ron suddenly remembers about the house-elves in the kitchen and instead of recruiting them to fight worries about their safety. Hermione — touched by his unexpected concern — straight up kisses him. Not only does this complete the SPEW/house-elf arc, but the kiss happens right in front of Harry, which makes for some hilarious reactions. Given that Ron was an unexpected witness to Harry and Ginny’s first kiss, it was nice that he got a little bit of revenge.

2. ALL OF THE QUIDDITCH

Quidditch is not only the setting of some of my favorite parts of the books, but it’s also one of my favorite parts of the magical world in general. It was also covered well in the first two-ish movies, particularly the matches between Gryffindor and Slytherin. However, as the books got longer it became necessary to trim more fat from the main plot, with quidditch seeing a lot of the knife through the rest of the story. Remember at the end of the third movie when Harry gets a Firebolt to replace his destroyed Nimbus 2000? Well in the book he puts it to use, kicking Draco’s ass to win Gryffindor the Quidditch Cup. It’s probably the best quidditch match in the series and didn’t even make the movie. There’s also a fantastic subplot in the fifth book where Ron does poorly as Gryffindor’s keeper but later redeems himself in epic fashion. Even the Quidditch World Cup (shown in the fourth film) was chopped up, cutting the dramatic result of the final (and depth to Viktor Krum) as well as Ludo Bagman (and his refusal to pay up his bet with Fred and George).  

1. THE REAL RON WEASLEY

What I am about to say is not a criticism of Rupert Grint, who did a spectacular job of portraying Ron on screen. However, what the writers did to the character of Ron is bullshit. What makes the trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione so great is that they each bring something crucial to the formula. Harry has the main character/power/plot armor, Hermione brings the brains and book smarts, and Ron has the practical knowledge about the magical world (Harry and Hermione were raised by muggles). But in the movies, Hermione has that same practical knowledge without explanation, ruining many of Ron’s contributions. Hermione is also given some of Ron’s best moments — Ron was the one who helped Hermione with the Devil’s Snare (not the other way around) and stepped in front of Sirius to protect Harry, despite his injured leg (Hermione got the honors in the film). Apparently the writers wanted to build Hermione up as a stronger female character, even though she was already loved by readers. They did so by massacring my boy. Ron got fucked over.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-0) VS. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (2-1)

Out of the frying pan and into the frier, eh? After beating the first place team, Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell faces… the first place team. I can’t catch a break. Perhaps Tom Brady exacting revenge on the Patriots will offset the likely downgrade in production from Saquon Barkley against a non-Falcons defense. C’s New Champ Team will have all eyes on the Cardinals-Rams game, with Matthew Stafford, DeAndre Hopkins, Robert Woods, Chase Edmonds, and Isaiah Simmons in play. Chriss is on Vikings RB watch with Dalvin Cook and Alexander Mattinson.

49ERS (3-0) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-2)

The Tyler Bowl is back for another decade! This one could come down to the QBs, with Gee sending Aaron Rodgers out to face a reeling Steelers defense. Ewing meanwhile has Lamar Jackson, who will star in the game that will prove whether the Broncos are legit. Ewing will likely get a boost from Alvin Kamara and Julio Jones, both playing New York teams. But Gee has been on an absolute roll to start the season, with almost every player in his lineup in good matchups. Defense could decide this — will Washington (Gee) or the Chiefs (Ewing) perform worse?

DIXIE NORMOUS (2-1) VS. FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (1-2)

While everyone but me got to watch football last weekend, I had the pleasure of catching one of the biggest rivalries in all of soccer — Arsenal vs. Tottenham. This week, devoted Arsenal fan Kyle faces newly self-proclaimed Tottenham fan Nick. The latter is hoping Dixie Normous doesn’t get smacked around by Feel the Tanne-thrill as badly as Spurs did against the Gunners. To avoid that fate, Tyreek Hill may need to get back up to speed, while Cooper Kupp keeps up his production. Kyle is turning to Joe Burrow in an attempt to capitalize on the woeful Jaguars.

SLEEPING GIANTS (2-1) VS. YEA BABY! (0-3)

With the unfortunate distinction of being the only remaining winless team in the league, Yea baby! now gets the ire from everyone — they don’t want to be the one who finally loses. First up is Sleeping Giants, who aren’t exactly lacking in point potential. Pat Mahomes, Aaron Jones, and the Saints defense are practically guaranteed to go off for Dad, while Tony Pillard, Adam Thielen, and CeeDee Lamb can get hot as well. Josh Allen needs another huge game, while Calvin Ridley, Myles Sanders, Mark Andrews, and the Bills defense need to step up big time for Arik.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (1-2) VS. FOOTBALDAMUS (1-2)

A disappointing start to the season is going to get even worse for either Gruden Grinders or Footballdamus. Riez got off the winless row last week, while Jimmy is dealing with a combination of bad luck and inconsistency. Russell Wilson, Amari Cooper, Ja’Marr Chase, Ezekiel Elliott, Darren Waller, and the Titans defense all have the capacity to go off for Jimmy — but will they? As for Riez, Jalen Hurts is keeping his starting job over Derek Carr. If Hurts falters (and the Steelers defense falls flat again), D.K. Metcalf, Nick Chubb, and Mike Williams will need to help out. 

JOP SUEY!!! (1-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-2)

For as poorly as Jop Suey!!! and the Krispy Kritters have done so far, this matchup has the potential to be explosive. Justin Herbert should do well for Richard, although Keenan Allen can reduce some of the impact for Taylor. Kyler Murray is always a threat, even if it’s against the Rams defense. Tyler Lockett, Derrick Henry, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Rob Gronkowski, Antonio Gibson, Deebo Samuel, and Chubba Hubbard should all put up big numbers. Even the players on defense (Bobby Wagner and Lavonte David) can light it up. This should be a good one.

ONE LAST THING

This weekend, the San Francisco 49ers will host the Seattle Seahawks, adding another chapter to their fantastic rivalry. There will be Seahawks fans who travel to the Bay Area for the game — many of them will likely use BART in some fashion to get to Levi’s Stadium. When they do, they may see something that will remind them of home. It’s that thing that has 49ers fans upset and the Bay Area’s public transit system in hot water.

That something is the color of the seats inside the BART cars. Take a look — it’s easy to see the similarity between the seat colors and those of the Seahawks. However, these have been the seat colors for some time and it’s apparently not the first instance of BART coming under fire. So, they’re getting the word out in advance, tweeting that their colors are not, in fact, those of the Seahawks. Putting the two pairs side-by-side, it’s clear that while they are fairly similar, the seat colors (Pantone 7706 — a medium dark shade of cyan — and Pantone 390 — a medium dark shade of yellow-green) and Seattle’s colors (Pantone 289 — a very dark shade of cyan-blue — and Pantone 368 — a shade of green) are different. If anything, they look like a combination of Seahawks and Rams colors (Los Angeles got roasted in the tweet as well).

So if you’ve ever wondered why BART cars have seats in Seahawks colors, don’t worry — they technically don’t. Just don’t change the green ones to white, or else there will be a horde of San Francisco Giants fans on your ass.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness