Ruben's Writings

While I was away, a certain show took over the internet. Now as I’ve mentioned I don’t often get caught up in the wave of popular TV shows — just look at my lack of history with shows like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, You, Orange is the New Black, and The Handmaid’s Tale. But I was waiting for my flight to London at LAX and decided to check out Netflix to pass the time. It was then that I saw a South Korean-based show was in the No. 1 spot. I had previously been captivated by a Korean drama — Hot Stove League (seriously guys watch that fucking show it’s incredible and about baseball). So I read up on this show’s premise and was intrigued, giving it a shot. I then got two-thirds of the way through during my trip and finished it within days of returning to the U.S. Needless to say, I liked what I saw.

I am of course talking about Squid Game.

Squid Game revolves around a secret contest involving 456 players, each vying for a massive cash prize and the chance to repay their enormous debts and reshape their lives. To win, they must complete six children’s games. But should they fail, they will be eliminated — in the most deadly, graphic sense. It’s a fascinating premise and one that brings about plenty of suspense, drama, and shock. It’s a survival horror type of show that doesn’t just rely on gore and jump scares (although there are enough of those). What really gets audiences is the psychological impact — Episode 6 in particular left me fucked up. But it’s quite well done and easily gets my seal of approval.

But don’t just take my word for it — everyone is going insane for Squid Game. Everyone from ordinary people to companies and even sports teams have been posting memes from the show, which is still topping Netflix’s list and could become the most popular show in the site’s history. If you see a bunch of people wearing pink uniforms with masks with shapes on them, or green and white warm-ups, for Halloween, it’s because of Squid Game. If you want to avoid spoilers, don’t go too deep into the internet. I’ve tried to keep most of my memes spoiler-free this week, but I’m not perfect. Anyway, after reading this newsletter go watch Squid Game.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

YEA BABY! (2-3) DEF. 49ERS (4-1)

149.60 – 110.36

We truly have parity this season — after just five weeks, there are no unbeaten or winless teams in the league. It’s all thanks to Yea baby!, who just one week after ending their status as the only team without a victory earned another one last weekend to make sure 49ers weren’t the only team without a loss. It’s not that Gee performed poorly — Aaron Rodgers (20 points) and Najee Harris (20 points) played well. But an overall lack of production from Gee’s WRs (combining for just over double-digits) left the window open. Arik seized the opportunity, with Deebo Samuel, Diontae Johnson, and Chuba Hubbard (13 points each) providing solid production and Mason Crosby (16 points) balancing out Greg Zuerlein (14 points) despite his misses. This was a close matchup going into prime time, but then the final two games happened. Josh Allen (36 points) gave Arik a massive lead and Mark Andrews (30 points) countered a last-minute charge by Gee thanks to Jonathan Taylor (28 points). Everyone can win and lose — this is an exciting season. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-3) DEF. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (3-2)

172.22 – 102.44

Hello everyone! Can you hear me? I am speaking to you from the afterlife — turns out there is one after all! I’m here because Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell got the absolute motherfucking shit kicked out of them by Footballdamus. That’s despite Tom Brady (37 points) going the fuck off and strong games from D’Andre Swift (16 points) and Darius Leonard (13 points). Sure, I got fucked over by Saquon Barkley’s injury (FUCK) and Stefon Diggs, D.J. Morre, CJ. Uzomah, and Corey Davis were disappointing. But honestly it wouldn’t have mattered because Riez decided to morph into the fantasy football equivalent of a supernova. Only two roster spots failed to earn double-digits — half of his lineup surpassed 20 points. Mike Williams (28 points), Jalen Hurts (23 points), Nick Chubb (23 points), Antonio Brown (24 points), and D.K. Metcalf (21 points) were monsters, with Kyle Pitts (17 points) somehow an afterthought. Riez came within a point of the all-time league single-week scoring record and didn’t even get a point from his defense. Jesus fucking christ.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-1) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-4)

120.48 – 88.36

Told you! In the matchup between the league’s highest-scoring team and the lowest-scoring team, the highest-scoring team scored a lot more points than the lowest-scoring team. Who would’ve guessed? It seems Austin Ekeler (27 points) has officially been unlocked, while Mike Evans (23 points) continues to be a favorite weapon for Tom Brady. Throw in another solid day from Dak Prescott and nice production from Darrell Henderson (15 points) and Dixie Normous was in another good position, despite lackluster efforts from the rest of the lineup. If those guys keep up their form and Tyreek Hill and Cooper Kupp get back to theirs, Nick is going to have a scary lineup. Meanwhile, Jop Suey!!! flopped on the floor once again, with only Antonio Gibson (19 points) and Damien Williams (14 points) doing anything at all. I once again must continue to state how bullshit it is that the one time Taylor did well this year (30 points more than his second-best effort) it was against me. I will continue to do so until Taylor actually beats someone else. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (3-2) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-3)

127.18 – 121.38

Holy shit I don’t believe it — an actual close contest that came down to the final game! What a concept! Sleeping Giants vs. Gruden Grinders (yikes — Jimmy you might want to change your name) might go down as the game of the year, although it got off to an auspicious start. Jimmy got dealt a huge blow on Thursday when Russell Wilson got knocked out early with his finger injury. Jimmy was still able to bounce back with Ezekiel Elliott (24 points), Ja’Marr Chase (21 points), and James Robinson (20 points) leading the charge. Dad was barely handing around thanks to the likes of CeeDee Lamb (14 points), but still trailed by a lot going into prime time. Jimmy could’ve put the game away, but Cole Beasley had as many points as vaccine shots and his production went to Dawson Knox (17 points). Throw in Pat Mahomes (20 points) and Dad had a slim (but real) chance of a comeback. It looked hopeless early, but Marquise Brown (24 points) capped off the Ravens’ real life comeback with a surge at the end, giving Dad the frantic win.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-2) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-4)

126.22 – 104.88

Even though the margin of victory between the Krispy Kritters and Three Eyed Ravens was greater than 20 points, the two rosters look remarkably similar. As a whole, the majority of their lineups underperformed. But both Richard and Ewing were saved by fucking incredible efforts by their QBs — Justin Herbert (42 points) and Lamar Jackson (41 points), respectively — and huge efforts by their star RBs — Derrick Henry (31 points) and Alvin Kamara (25 points), respectively. Both had star players — A.J. Brown, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, Juju Smith-Schuster (that one was due to injury), Devin Singletary — contribute virtually nothing. Both got nothing from their TEs and very little from their special teams/defense. In fact, the difference can basically be found in two positions. Leonard Fournette (17 points) was a much better FLEX than DeVonta Smith, while the Buccaneers defense actually gave Richard points, unlike what the Chiefs defense did to Ewing. With the exception of a few points here and there, that was what separated Richard and Ewing.

FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (2-3) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-2)

136.84 – 80.60

Remember when C’s New Champ Team used to win games and actually score a lot of points? Two weeks ago Chriss was in first place — now he’s dropped to halfway in the standings after two lackluster performances. This past weekend, it was due to how lopsided his lineup performed. The top half of the lineup was like a guy who pumps iron every day — Alexander Mttison (19 points), Robert Woods (15 points), DeAndre Hopkins (14 points), and even Matthew Stafford (17 points). But the bottom half was like a guy who never does leg day (ironic given Chriss’ actual athletic ability). The final six roster spots combined for fewer than 15 points. That’s not going to win many games, especially against teams who perform as well as Feel the Tanne-thrill did. Kyle was helped by the crazy ass Bengals-Packers game with Davante Adams (26 points) and Joe Burrow (21 points) and the crazier ass Chargers-Browns game with Kareem Hunt (20 points). Throw in a solid overall lineup (just three spots under double-digits) and Kyle cruised in this one.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (4-1)
2. 49ers (4-1)
3. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (3-2)
4. The Krispy Kritters (3-2)
5. Sleeping Giants (3-2)
6. C’s New Champ Team (3-2)
7. Yea baby! (2-3)
8. Footballdamus (2-3)
9. Gruden Grinders (2-3
10. Feel the Tanne-thrill (2-3)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (1-4)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-4)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (629.22)
2. 49ers (592.48)
3. Yea baby! (572.00)
4. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (569.78)
5. The Krispy Kritters (567.84)
6. Footballdamus (564.40)
7. Sleeping Giants (560.00)
8. Gruden Grinders (558.74)
9. Feel the Tanne-thrill (522.20)
10. C’s New Champ Team (518.28)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (469.60)
12. Jop Suey!!! (440.14)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: I mean this has to go to Footballdamus, right? When someone in the bottom third of the league scoring average comes within inches of breaking the all-time single-week scoring record, that’s pretty unexpected. Mike Williams, D.K. Metcalf, Nick Chubb, Jalen Hurts, Antonio Brown, and Kyle Pitts all put up tremendous efforts to propel Riez to a monster win and cool my jets.

WORST: When Chriss scores fewer points than Taylor, several people had to fuck up. For C’s New Champ Team, the likes of T.J. Hockenson, Chase Edmonds, and Isiah Simmons are to blame. But the two biggest disappointments were definitely Justin Tucker and the Raiders defense, the latter providing some major talking points we’ll definitely address in a little bit.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Honestly there wasn’t really a game-changing transaction, so I’m just going to give this to Ewing for being the recipient of this week’s lopsided trade with Taylor. Jop Suey!!! gave up Mike Gesicki and Allen Robinson (both having good to okay years) for George Kittle, who not only is out for weeks but has no idea who will throw him the ball when he gets back. But that’s not all!

WORST: Follow along for more of Taylor’s terrible transactions. First Jop Suey!!! drops Samaje Perine for Alex Collins, only to add him and cut Jamison Crowder, only to cut Perine again for Kadarius Toney, only to later cut Toney in favor of Crowder. In this game of musical chairs, Taylor for sure lost — Toney (19 points) and Perine (14 points) did much better than Collins and Crowder.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: As much as good luck had to do with Riez’s insane scoring output, there were also some important personnel decisions that paved the way. It might’ve been tempting to send out Derek Carr and Henry Ruggs in a favorable matchup against the Chicago Bears. But Riez stuck with Jalen Hurts and Antonio Brown/Mike Williams, who all went off for Footballdamus’ massive win.

WORST: Hindsight being 20/20, it might be a lot easier to see why Gruden Grinders went for Cole Beasley over Chase Claypool. But given that Beasley (who put up a giant goose egg) was Jimmy’s weakest link in a week where he lost by just six points, Claypool’s 19 points loom large on Jimmy’s bench. Make that one switch and Jimmy wins easily despite Monday’s shenanigans.

LUCK

BEST: Dad definitely caught some fortunate breaks in his comeback against Jimmy. While Cole Beasley did basically nothing for Gruden Grinders, Dawson Know got free unexpectedly for a huge day. Then when it looked like Sleeping Giants were done, Marquise Brown got the ball a lot late in the Baltimore Ravens’ comeback, allowing Dad to make a dramatic surge at the death.

WORST: 49ers performed well and still got destroyed for their first loss. Things would’ve been a hell of a lot closer had Josh Allen (who struggled against the Chiefs in the AFC title game) not enacted some major revenge. Even when Jonathan Taylor gave Gee hope of a comeback, that flame was extinguished by Mark Andrews going the fuck off. Sometimes, it’s just not your day.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

What the fuck was that? What the actual goddamn fucking shit was that?

The Raiders — playing at home against a Bears squad starting rookie QB with a suspect offensive line and without their starting RB — failed to put up even ten points and lost by double-digits.

I repeat — WHAT THE FUCK?!?

While Las Vegas’ rush defense is still suspect, I refuse to hold the defensive unit accountable for this loss. They kept the Raiders in this game. But the offense? Good lord I had to clean up my duplex after coming home — that included plenty of trash, such as the Raiders offense. The running game was once again nonexistent, which given that Josh Jacobs is on the team remains puzzling. It’s almost like randomly deciding to reshuffle the offensive line for no fucking reason during the offseason was a terrible idea. Perhaps it’s because of this that the Raiders have started slowly on offense all year. During the first four (well, really three) games, the passing game eventually heated up and carried the offense. That did not happen in any way, shape, or form. Derek Carr looked like complete shit and at one point was knocked out of the game, bringing the ultimate nightmare — Nathan Peterman at QB — into existence for a few plays. 

The deep ball was virtually nonexistent — checkdown Carr made an unwelcome return in this game, especially when he floated that stupid ass pass to Bryan Edwards that had a zero-percent chance of being completed on 4th and 5. Granted, it was tough for Carr to get a lot going when guys like Khalil Mack, Roquan Smith, and Akiem Hicks were running a train on him all night. It was also tough given that Alex Leatherwood and Brandon Parker had more penalties than successful blocks on Chicago. Seriously, were we trying to break our own record for most penalties in a single game? It’s been a while since I’ve seen the Raiders this undisciplined.

This loss wasn’t just bad — it was alarming, if only for when it happened. Over the past few seasons, the Raiders have put up at least one egg each season. Typically, it’s been the catalyst for the annual second half collapse. We’re just over a quarter into the season and we played like that. This is supposed to be the easy part of the schedule. Suddenly, Sunday’s game against the Denver Broncos has become a must-win if we don’t want the season to go into freefall.

But maybe this season is already lost, for a different reason…

GRUDEN IS GONE

… I hate this fucking team.

Jon Gruden — not Urban Meyer or Matt Nagy or Zach Taylor or even Joe Judge — was the first head coach fired this season. Given that Gruden still had more than half of his ten-year contract remaining, no one expected this. Then again, no one expected Gruden to really have some racist, homophobic, mysoginistic thoughts. But here we are.

“Here” is in the middle of the biggest shitshow the NFL has seen in quite a while. Everything about the email scandal — from what was said to how the news came out to the original reason the comments were discovered to the ongoing fallout — is fucked up. The fact that Gruden seemingly offended every minority group has prompted major outcry — and the sadly predictable response from people against “cancel culture” and “being woke.”

Let me be perfectly clear — what Gruden wrote in those emails was incredibly fucked up, wrong, and damning. In no way, shape, or form should he have been able to keep his job when the details of what he wrote were revealed. Yes, people can grow and change. But Gruden wrote all of that when he was in his late 40’s — those ignorant beliefs are pretty well-instilled within him. Those kinds of beliefs cannot be held by someone who has to be a leader of men, the leader of a group of players of various backgrounds and personalities. While Gruden wasn’t with an NFL team at the time, he had already been part of a locker room with both the Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers — he still had those fucked up thoughts afterwards. The fact that in his statement he said that he didn’t mean to hurt anyone is bullshit. How can those comments have been anything but harmful when he made them? In addition, while Gruden wasn’t employed by an NFL team, try writing those sorts of things about your future employer and boss and see how quickly it takes for them to fire you. That’s just a stupid thing for Gruden to do.

The fact things went from Monday’s breaking news (about the homphobic/misogynistic bits) to resignation so quickly was insane. It also leaves so much more time for reaction and analysis. There are people like Tony Dungy and Tim Brown who were quick to defend Gruden once the racist bits came out, only to have egg on their face following the second report. People have been quick to call this another example of “cancel culture” (it’s not). People have claimed that everyone has said similar things among their friends — while that may be true the vast majority of us haven’t been stupid enough to put that in writing to an NFL executive. People have tried to point out that the NFL has been cracking down on Gruden after blackballing Colin Kaepernick and largely ignoring issues like domestic violence (as if those wrongs mean Gruden should get a free pass). People have pointed out that the Buccaneers have removed Gruden from their Ring of Honor while keeping the likes of Warren Sapp and employing Antonio Brown (and Richard Sherman). While the hypocrisy may be true, it doesn’t take away from the main issue at hand.

The quick response and firing has also allowed the whole issue to circle back to its source. The emails — between Gruden to then-Washington Redskins president Bruce Allen — were part of the NFL’s investigation into the culture of Washington. The NFL released the email referencing DeMaurice Smith, then after the Raiders hesitated on punishing Gruden released the other, way more damning emails. Then suddenly the NFL says no further emails in the investigation (all hundreds of thousands of them) will be released. Is the NFL just picking and choosing who to shine a spotlight on? Was Gruden meant to be the fall guy for everyone? Even Mark Davis basically said the NFL has all the answers when it comes to this whole thing (maybe this incident can help him turn into his father and grow a fucking backbone). Thankfully, most of the people I’ve seen talking about this are pressing the NFL to do more about the original issue in Washington. The fact that Gruden was sent topless photos of the Redskins cheerleaders has seemingly been glossed over, as has pretty much everything that should’ve gotten Dan Snyder kicked out of the league. Now suddenly Adam Schefter is involved and seeing his journalistic credibility slip at the hands of Allen/Mr. Editor? A whole lot more heads — much larger than Gruden’s — have the potential to roll, yet the info is being withheld. To borrow from Among Us, that’s incredibly sus. I guess Mark Davis needed a few more billions to be protected.

Also getting glossed over is the people who will immediately suffer from Gruden’s words and dismissal — the Raiders. I feel so, so fucking sorry for Carl Nassib, who originally received support from Gruden when he came out. Now what the fuck is he supposed to think? I don’t blame him for taking a day off from practice to figure shit out. Anytime he’ll speak for the rest of the season, he’ll have the unwanted expectations of speaking for the entire gay community. Hopefully for Nassib everyone will continue to rally around him and turn this into as positive of a deal as they can. I feel sorry for Darren Waller, who was given a second chance by Gruden and wouldn’t have become the beast he is today without him. I also feel sorry for Derek Carr (his bizarre “love the sinner, hate the sin” comments aside), who was extremely close to Gruden. This is a huge year for him and — as the face of the team and its most scrutinized player — whether or not the Raiders can succeed this season will seemingly fall on his shoulders.

As for the rest of the season, there’s suddenly a massive question mark surrounding it. Let’s not forget that the Raiders are on a two-game slide and just got embarrassed by a rookie QB and a mediocre Bears team. Now, they’ve lost their head coach and with it their overall direction and identity. It’s incredibly likely that the Raiders just fall flat on their face for the rest of 2021 (and quite frankly it wouldn’t be unreasonable). If that fate will be avoided, Sunday’s game is a must-win. Yet, there are some reasons for hope. Rich Bisaccia seems like a goddamn leader of men and someone who can rally a team. Mike Mayock finally has a chance to make key decisions without Gruden’s fingerprints over everything. The next three games are against the Denver Broncos, Philadelphia Eagles, and New York Giants — three easily beatable teams (though that’s what they said about Chicago beforehand).

One last note: it hasn’t been lost on me that Gruden’s last game with the Raiders was a loss to a Bears team featuring Khalil Mack. Mack finally got his revenge on the man who sent him out of the Silver and Black. Just one more kick in the nuts for fans of this godforsaken team…

Jimmy, you should probably change your team name.

STAT OF THE WEEK

That stat doesn’t even include what Rodrigo Blankenship did on Monday Night.

This past weekend was not a good one for the brand. Just a couple of weeks after we saw a literal NFL record-long FG, Ks missed more kicks than I’ve ever seen before. The magnum opus of this special teams chaos was the ending of the Packers-Bengals game. Just look at this…

I know I just rightfully bitched up a storm about my favorite team, but when it comes purely to heart health thank god I’m a Raiders fan — not a Green Bay or Cincinnati fan… or even a Detroit Lions fan.

Or a Cleveland Browns fan.

Don’t let their meteoric rise fool you — the Browns are still the Browns.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 14, 2002, Terrell Owens uncorked one of the most iconic celebrations in NFL history. Owens and the San Francisco 49ers were in Seattle for a Monday Night showdown with the Seahawks. One of the key matchups going into the game was Owens against former Pro Bowl CB Shawn Springs. Before kickoff, Owens spoke with his financial advisor, Greg Eastman (who was also employed by Springs), promising him an autographed football after he caught a TD while being defended by Springs. About halfway through the 4th quarter — with San Francisco trailing 21-20 — Jeff Garcia found Owens (who was being guarded by Springs) for a 37-yard TD. After the score, Owens reached into his sock and pulled out a sharpie, signing the football (which was indeed eventually delivered to Eastman). That would prove to be the game-winning TD in a 28-21 49ers victory. But all anyone could talk about afterwards was the sharpie incident. Owens (who scored two TDs on the night) said he had asked the trainer for a sharpie before that scoring series began and was nervous about falling on the pen during a tackle and injuring his ankle. Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren heavily criticized Owens for the stunt, but the NFL did not punish Owens. However, the league did institute a rule banning players from carrying “foreign objects” onto the field with them. Owens of course had already been known for a celebration (the infamous incident on the Dallas Cowboys’ midfield star) and would go on to become arguably the TD celebration king with the Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles. But many argue that the sharpie celebration may never be topped in terms of creativity and disrespect. 

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (3-2) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (3-2)

Oh shit — it’s that time of year again! The Dominguez Bowl is upon us, with a nearly 15-year-long streak on the line. Every year that Dad and I have played fantasy football together, I have beaten him at least once. Unfortunately, this looks like the year the streak could be broken. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell is hobbled — Saquon Barkley and David Montgomery are injured and Corey Davis has a bye. Meanwhile, Pat Mahomes is bound to go beast mode for Sleeping Giants, while a lot of the other parts of the lineup are in good matchups. It’s been a good run.

DIXIE NORMOUS (4-1) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-2)

This is a bit of an unexpected showdown. Dixie Normous and the Krispy Kritters — two teams who usually barely squeak into the playoffs if they even get in — are now dueling in a Top 5 matchup. Richard boasts a one-two punch of Justin Herbert and Derrick Henry, a likely explosion in the Buccaneers defense, and two stars with question marks in Tyler Lockett and A.J. Brown. Nick counters with the likes of Dak Prescott, Tyreek Hill, Mike Evans, Austin Ekeler, and Cooper Kupp. Defense — the Ravens defense and T.J. Watt — could be a game-changer for Nick.

49ERS (4-1) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-3)

In a matchup of two teams in desperate need of name changes (for vastly different reasons) 49ers look to rebound from their first loss of the season against Gruden Grinders, who could be seeing their season start to slip away. With Russell Wilson out injured, Jimmy is turning to Carson Wentz, who is in a good matchup this week. Jimmy still needs Ja’Marr Chase, Ezekiel Elliott, James Robinson, and Darren Waller to step up big time. Gee meanwhile can rely on Aaron Rodgers, Terry McLaurin, and Jonathan Taylor. A lot of players in the same game here.

YEA BABY! (2-3) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-4)

After starting off 0-3, Yea baby! is now on a roll and something called a winning streak. Three Eyed Ravens meanwhile have been going in the opposite direction, dealing with bad luck and bad performances. Interestingly, Arik and Ewing are about to complete a trade, with the former getting Alvin Kamara and Mike Gesicki in exchange for Mark Andrews, James Conner, and Myles Sanders. Quite frankly I don’t want to analyze these lineups when they’re just about to change, so I’ll just mention Lamar Jackson, Josh Allen, and the possible return of Christian McCaffrey.

FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (2-3) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-3)

Last week, Feel the Tanne-thrill and Footballdamus used unexpected scoring bursts to get back in the win column. This week, they’re facing off to see who can keep that momentum and turn their season around. Kyle should be set for a more spectacular day, with Joe Burrow, Davante Adams, Travis Kelce, and the Steelers defense in enticing matchups. Riez could surprise again with the likes of Jalen Hurts and D.K. Metcalf, though Kyle Pitts is on a bye. Battles between Antonio Brown and Chris Godwin and Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt for points could decide this. 

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-2) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-4)

How the mighty have fallen. C’s New Champ Team and Jop Suey!!! reached the semi-finals last year (with the latter winning the title). Now, Chriss is on a massive slide and Taylor can’t score if he took viagra in a brothel (unless for some reason he’s playing me). On paper, both QBs — Kyler Murray and Matthew Stafford — should put up big games. DeAndre Hopkins, Robert Woods, Keenan Allen, and Antonio Gibson could all shine bright as well. Chriss’ RB situation (Dalvin Cook & Alexander Mattison, plus Chris Carson and Chase Edmonds) will be huge.

ONE LAST THING

TOP 10 COUNTRIES I’VE VISITED

Every time I visit a new country, I order a little flag to keep at my desk to remind me about that country. The two newest flags — for Italy and San Marino — arrived this past weekend. As I added them to the collection, I counted up the total amount of flags and realized something — I have now visited double-digit countries. Allow me to flex and reflect. I guess if you’re thinking about traveling to any of these countries, you can read this and get some advice. I suppose that justifies my bragging.

HONORABLE MENTION: VATICAN CITY

As I mentioned last week, Vatican City is technically the smallest country in the world. However, given that it’s completely within Rome (which is its capital city) and is basically a way for the Roman Catholic Church to do things, it doesn’t really count for me. It literally is just home to the church and a bunch of gift shops — it’s four times as small as the second-smallest country (Monaco) and 120 times smaller than the smallest country on this list (San Marino). Vatican City was cool to visit, but it would feel weird to put it on the list (I didn’t even order a flag for it).

HONORABLE MENTION: ICELAND & SWITZERLAND

What’s your definition of being somewhere, like being in a country of a state. If it’s literally just physically being in the area, I can add two more counties to the list — Iceland and Switzerland. I’ve had layovers in both places, but never left the airport (which I was in for less than two hours each time). To me, that’s not good enough. “How was Iceland?” “It was okay — I never went outside and there were a lot of planes.” I’ve got to get outside, explore the area, and actually experience what it’s like to be there. I plan to return to both places to officially add them to the list.

10. MEXICO

The only reasons Mexico is this far down on the list are technicalities. This is the only country I haven’t been to by myself and as an adult — my family and I went on a cruise when I was 11. The week-long voyage went to a number of places, including Catalina Island. But the most important place as far as this list is concerned is Ensenada, a coastal city in Baja California about 78 miles south of San Diego. It’s also an incredibly popular tourist spot and totally caters to visitors — the only moments I remember from our few hours spent ashore include walking through rows of people lined along dirt-covered roads trying to sell souvenirs (I got a woven bracelet with my name on it). As I mentioned, I was in Mexico for less than a day and as far as I’m aware there are no photos from that part of our cruise that have survived. Some may argue that because of all that, I shouldn’t count Mexico. But I am — not only was I there for around the same time I was in San Marino (which definitely counts), but I literally walked around a foreign country. It counts.

9. MOROCCO

My thoughts on Morocco are… complicated. As part of my (as of now interrupted) quest to step foot on every continent, I had to visit Africa. I ultimately settled on Morocco because it’s one of the most stable, safe countries in the continent and I thought the prospect of seeing the Sahara Desert was cool. I was right — seeing the sun rise in the Sahara is arguably my greatest travel memory. However, that’s not enough to gloss over everything else. Morocco is basically a third world country and I quickly discovered that I prefer to enjoy some basic first world comforts while on vacation. While everyone there was friendly to me, some were a little too friendly — as a whole I have never been as harassed by people trying to sell me something as I was in Morocco. Then of course we get to the elephant in the room — while in Morocco I contracted a cousin of E. Coli. It was probably the sickest I’ve ever been and I spent the next week shitting myself every hour. Despite all of the positives I experienced in Morocco, that last part kind of overshadows things.

8. SAN MARINO

By far the country that surpassed my expectations the most was San Marino. Literally the only reason I even went was because it was completely surrounded by a country I was already visiting. But this tiny little hill/mountain near Italy’s eastern shore that’s more than four times smaller than Sacramento blew me away in several ways. First off, it’s absolutely gorgeous, providing both stunning views of Italy and a picturesque castle area that stands atop its green hills. That castle is home to a surprising amount of history (which definitely appeals to me) and provides plenty of opportunities to feel like you’re stepping back through time. The food and drink (essentially Italian) is also delicious. What keeps San Marino from being ranked any higher is that what I’ve described is basically all San Marino has — the remaining countries have many more positives I have yet to explore. By the way, I had a blast in these upcoming countries — it was quite tough to judge them against each other and there’s not a whole lot to separate them.

7. CANADA

This trip often gets overshadowed — even by me. Right before a move to the morning show and with another, three-country trip looming later in the year, I spent a few days in Canada, mostly in Toronto with a trip to Niagara Falls. This was a total “me” trip — a shit ton of sports (Maple Leafs playoff game, Hockey Hall of Fame, Blue Jays game, Toronto FC game), seeing the city sights (the CN Tower), trying all of the food (maple syrup, poutine, Tim Hortons), and a day trip (the Falls). Canada was super cool and extremely chill — there was plenty for me to have an ice cold experience. I made those puns intentionally — the day before I arrived (in April), an unexpected snow storm hit the area, bringing below freezing weather the entire time I was there. While the ice and snow did impact my trip a bit (the Falls were frozen over and I changed the Blue Jays game I went to because of a piece of ice that fell into the Rogers Centre), complaining about the snow in Canada is like complaining about not making the playoffs as a Sacramento Kings fan.

6. ENGLAND

The only foreign country I’ve been to twice (not counting a layover I had in Italy a few years ago), England has hosted me for a pair of two-day starts to greater trips. The first was in Manchester, where among other things I got to watch my beloved Manchester United play at Old Trafford. Then just days ago I was in London to watch a major soccer rivalry, check out major parts of history, and get my Harry Potter nerd on. Because they, you know, speak English there, England has been the European country where I’m the most comfortable. It also has several strengths that appeal greatly to me — big soccer teams, a shitload of history and cool architecture, and a great public transportation system (seriously it’s insane how bad it is in the U.S. outside of New York City). However, compared to the Top 5 countries England greatly lacks in two major areas — weather (I don’t think I saw the sun once while I was there) and food (self-explanatory). If you don’t mind long sleeves and a lack of adventurous food options, you will certainly love England.

5. SPAIN

Spain should be higher on this list — it even deserves a fair shot at the top overall spot. However, life isn’t fair, otherwise I wouldn’t have been plagued with the shits in Morocco. My illness I mentioned earlier stayed with me through the final country on that trip: Spain. I was severely hampered in terms of mobility and being able to not shit for more than two hours, so I couldn’t explore Spain nearly as much as I wanted. Even while dealing with the pain my face was clearly trying to hide in the above pic, I was able to do enough for Spain to make a fantastic impression. Barcelona was awesome — its food, sports (seeing Lionel Messi play at the Camp Nou was incredible), architecture, and even overall city structure were all awesome. I even got to meet a cousin of mine (who also happened to be in Spain at the time) for the first time. I enjoyed my time so much that Spain shot up past another country on this list to the top of countries I want to visit again. I must go back to La Boqueria and eat the food I wouldn’t have been able to keep down. 

4. FRANCE

I didn’t even have France in mind when I was planning my 2017 trip — it only entered my mind when I realized I wouldn’t be able to get tickets to a Champions League match in Germany, needed an alternative, and discovered Paris was just a four-hour train ride in Munich. What I found out afterwards was that France is like New York state — the biggest city (Paris/New York City) isn’t like the rest of the country, which is much more wide open and less metropolitan. While I do want to go back and scope out the rest of France, I don’t mind only sticking to Paris because Paris is fucking incredible. The city itself is beautiful and full of fun things to do. The metro system may be the best/most efficient I’ve found on my trips. It goes without saying that French food is delicious. Then we have the Eiffel Tower. The first time I saw the Eiffel Tower in person, I was genuinely awestruck, something that almost never happens to me. For that experience alone, France deservedly is the top country in which I spent the minority of my time during a given trip.

3. GERMANY

When it comes to the most popular European countries to go for vacation, Germany often flies under the radar. I kind of get why — it doesn’t have the sexy sights, warm weather, or popular attractions as some of the other countries and any historical areas have quite a dark past. But after spending about a week there, I can say Germany is arguably the most underrated country in Europe in terms of travel. Berlin is one of the most fascinating cities in the entire continent. The sports scene (especially soccer) is more catered to fans than most other countries. There are several small, picturesque towns to spend time in — that includes Hannover, where my good friend Constanze kindly showed me around. I didn’t even get to the winter resort towns of the south. But Germany’s shining star is clearly Munich, which along with Barcelona and Paris is my favorite foreign city I’ve visited. Within Munich is also the main reason I even went to Germany — Oktoberfest, a festival of incredible beer and delicious wurst. Boys, you must go to Oktoberfest.

2. ITALY

Recency bias? Maybe, but I had been wanting to visit Italy for several years and the country did not disappoint. To me, Italy is everything about Europe — its strengths and faults — turned up to 11. The weather was perfect for 99% of the time I was there. Rome — with its insane amount of history living alongside the modern age — is the most fascinating city I’ve ever visited. Rimini and Bologna were two of the biggest surprises of any trip I’ve taken. The food — holy fucking shit the food — was so good I struggle to come up with accurate descriptions. The public transportation was efficient and the train rides let me see the beautiful countryside. Even just roaming through the streets (which I previously mentioned is one of my favorite things to do on these trips — was elevated due to the beauty and old school look of almost everything around me. One more thing — I didn’t know where to put this last week, but Italy has the highest rate of attractive women per capita of any country I’ve visited. If I had any game, that might’ve elevated Italy to the top spot.  

1. JAPAN

You never forget your first — that’s certainly the case with Japan, which was the country that began my solo treks five years ago and the first country I visited by myself. I was interested in Japan for several reasons (not just the fact that flights were significantly cheaper than those to Europe) including its history, culture, and food. Experiencing all of those met my expectations and then some. Given that I was a travel rookie I made plenty of mistakes during the trip, namely carrying everything with me and not mapping out what I was doing each day properly. But even with hindsight being 20/20 and looking back on my past experience, this trip was fucking cool. The food was delicious, the historical sights (even those I hadn’t planned on seeing) were great, the rides on the Shinkansen (bullet train) were interesting, and the temples scattered across the country were fascinating. Tokyo was incredible, Kyoto was lovely, and I wish I spent more time in Osaka. There’s so much more I want to do and I will return to Japan some day and finish the job.

Fuck — the travel bug is back.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness