Ruben's Writings

While we are all sports nuts, we each have our own various likes and quirks that influence what we’re interested in. Some people are nerds with intricate knowledge of things like Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. Others may be low-key metalheads who use those kinds of tunes to turn up at work. Others could even be into anime. I may have just described myself with all three examples, but I know other people in this league are into competitive volleyball, want to start their own brewery when they retire, and are even (gasp) a fan of the Dallas Cowboys, as disgusting as that may sound.

The point is, apart from SportsCenter, I’m not confident in saying there’s a single TV show all 12 of us are fans of. Well, there’s one other exception: Pardon the Interruption.

Ever since its inception, Pardon the Interruption (PTI) has become unfathomably popular, spawned many imitators (like Around the Horn and First Take), and even influenced the way SportsCenter is presented (a greater influence on talking head debate and even the introduction of the rundown on the side of the screen). Looking at the show as a whole, it may seem unclear as to why PTI has thrived while others haven’t reached its level of success/universal fandom. The concept is incredibly simple — two people debate various sports topics. The segments (headlines, a five-minute interview, a game-themed debate, and a birthday/anniversary/goodbye bit mixed with little stories) haven’t really changed. So what does PTI have that others don’t?

Simple: Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon. The two hosts aren’t just incredible writers and accomplished journalists, but also vastly knowledgeable when it comes to sports. They also have outgoing personalities that let them show off their intelligence and wit. They’re different (a Jewish man from Long Island and a black man from the South Side), but embrace those differences and use them to further discussion in the show. All of this makes for incredible chemistry between the two hosts, often making the show seem like just two friends having a sports debate, which everyone can relate to. Their chemistry and knowledge allows the show to be so clear cut and simple — just give Wilbon and Kornheiser a platform and let them go. No other sports debate show has that kind of chemistry, meaning they must rely on gimmicks that can often backfire. In fact, I’ve only seen that kind of chemistry in one other show — Top Gear (and The Grand Tour). Maybe that’s why I became such a big fan of that show — Jeremy Clarkson, James May, and Richard Hammond have that same “lightning in a bottle” chemistry as Kornheiser and Wilbon.

So what prompted me to get so nostalgic about a show that’s been on every weekday for a long time? Well, last weekend while visiting Dad I watched PTI20, an hour-long look back at the history of PTI and those who made it big. Given the incredibly creative name ESPN gave the piece, I realized that this was in celebration of PTI turning 20. So I looked it up and wouldn’t you know — tomorrow marks 20 years since the first episode of PTI aired. What a coincidence!

That, gentlemen, is how you get a newsletter theme on a silver platter.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-1) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-3)

144.90 – 126.50

We’re now officially a third of the way through the fantasy football season and can officially say that Dixie Normous’ meteoric rise isn’t a fluke. Nick has now opened up a significant lead in the Race for Marshall and consistently scored a metric fuck ton of points each week (except when he played me, so thanks). Even when facing a high-scoring opponent like the Krisky Kritters, Nick somehow wins comfortably. That’s because Dak Prescott (27 points) got to exploit a vulnerable Patriots team and Darrell Henderson (22 points) and Cooper Kipp (26 points) made up for poor days from the likes of Austin Ekeler and Mike Evans. Even Tyreek Hill (14 points) returned to form. Richard didn’t back down thanks to Leonard Fournette (24 points) and Noah Fant (17 points). But a poor effort from Justin Herbert, Tyler Lockett, and all of the Buccaneers defenders let Richard down to the point where even a monster day from Derrick Henry (33 points) couldn’t close the gap. T.J. Watt (20 points) may have had something to do with that. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (4-2) DEF. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (3-3)

127.68 – 111.68

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. No, the father I’m talking about isn’t my own — I told you Sleeping Giants would win and end my nearly 15-year winning streak against Dad (unless we face off in the playoffs). I’m talking about Kenyan Drake. As everyone knows, I am the founder and president of the Kenyan Drake Fan Club, with him leading me to a championship two years ago. While Ewing poached him from me in this league, I managed to snag him in my other three leagues. Even with byes, I only started him in one of them, cutting or benching him in the other leagues. Of course, Drake reverted to form and had by far his best game of the year. Had I kept the faith, I would’ve won in both of those other leagues (I did win in the league I started him). So consider this my official apology to Drake. What does this have to do with my game against Dad? Nothing, but did you want to read my bitching about all of Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell’s injuries and byes while the Patriots defense allowed CeeDee Lamb (27 points) to go off? Didn’t think so.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-2) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-5)

139.84 – 105.06

Speaking of not hearing me bitch about things, today my complaints over Jop Suey!!!’s unusual scoring output against me will officially end. That’s because Taylor finally managed to surpass 100 points again, with his golden trade bounty — Kyler Murray (25 points) providing the biggest boost. Taylor actually got a fair amount of support from the other side of the ball, with the Colts defense (15 points) and Trevon Diggs (19 points) boosting Taylor’s point total. But apart from Ricky Seals-Jones, no one else on Taylor’s roster (Keenan Allen, Antonio Gibson, Myles Gaskin) managed to surpass double-digits. This was a problem, considering C’s New Champ Team had even more guys well over double-digits. Matthew Stafford (26 points), Dalvin Cook (20 points), and DeAndre Hopkins (17 points) returned to form, while Khalil Herbert (17 points) did well in place of David Montgomery (god fucking damn it). Chriss even got an unexpected boost from Cole Holcomb (15 points). No way Taylor could have scored enough to surpass Chriss’ effort. 

49ERS (5-1) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-4)

131.80 – 112.62

There was no other way this matchup could’ve ended — no way a pissed off 49ers squad would rebound from their first loss with a stellar effort. True enough, Gee returned to form in emphatic fashion, even with nothing gained from Terry McLaurin, Tyler Higbee, and the Broncos defense (oh you know there will be more on that later). Jonathan Taylor (27 points) decimated the Texans, while Joe Mixon (21 points) and Najee Harris (18 points) rounded out a tremendous day on the ground for Gee. Throw in another vintage performance by Aaron Rodgers (23 points) over the team he owns and a nice day from Greg Zuerlein (13 points) and Gee was rolling in this one. Credit to Gruden Grinders (seriously, change your name, man) though — they put up a fight. Even though Carson Wentz (17 points) didn’t perform well, James Robinson (16 points), Matt Prater (15 points) and the Cowboys defense (13 points) did enough for Jimmy to make this competitive. Still, I feel bad for the next person Gee plays. (checks schedule) FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU…

FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (3-3) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4)

110.74 – 80.50

Oh okay, Riez. One week after Footballdamus nearly sets the single-week scoring record while playing me, your roster doesn’t even reach half of that total, barely putting up 80 points against Feel the Tanne-thrill? What the fuck, man? You don’t even check to see that Nick Chubb is out injured? I see — everyone just has to turn up against the commissioner, apparently. Fortunately for Kyle, he is not the commissioner and isn’t subjected to everyone in the league wanting to put their best efforts forth against him. He’s also fortunate that nice days from Joe Burrow (23 points), Darrell Williams (21 points), and Chris Boswell (13 points) overshadowed the fact that his lineup honestly wasn’t much better than Riez’s. It wasn’t terrible, but low key mediocre. Luckily for him, mediocre was good enough. While Jalen Hurts (26 points), Antonio Brown (15 points), and Josh Jacobs (14 points) played well, Chubb’s absence and awful efforts from Mike Williams and the defense sunk Riez. Maybe you could’ve saved some of those 172 points from last week…

YEA BABY! (3-3) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-5)

118.22 – 73.88

One beneficiary of Jop Suey!!!’s terribleness has been Three Eyed Ravens, whose own awful performances have flown under the radar. Not anymore — with Taylor’s triple-digit scoring output and another bad day, Ewing has now officially dropped into last place in the standings. Pretty much all year, Lamar Jackson and his incredible weekly efforts have masked an overall shoddy lineup. But when Jackson only gets 13 points (and is still somehow the highest-scoring player in the lineup), it’s going to be really bad. Mark Andrews (12 points) was the only other player to even breach double-digits. Devin Singletary, Allen Robinson, DeVonta Smith, and Justin Jefferson all shat the bed. All of this was good news for Yea baby!, who after being the last winless team has now climbed back to .500. Arik would’ve been a tough out either way this week, thanks to Josh Allen (29 points), Marvin Jones (16 points), Chuba Hubbard (12 points) and Logan Wilson (12 points). Ewing deserves this for stealing Kenyan Drake (19 points) from me and not starting him.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (5-1)
2. 49ers (5-1)
3. Sleeping Giants (4-2)
4. C’s New Champ Team (4-2)
5. The Krispy Kritters (3-3)
6. Yea baby! (3-3)
7. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (3-3)
8. Feel the Tanne-thrill (3-3)
9. Gruden Grinders (2-4)
10. Footballdamus (2-4)
11. Jop Suey!!! (1-5)
12. Three Eyed Ravens (1-5)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (774.12)
2. 49ers (724.28)
3. The Krispy Kritters (694.34)
4. Yea baby! (690.22)
5. Sleeping Giants (687.68)
6. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (680.96)
7. Gruden Grinders (672.86)
8. C’s New Champ Team (658.12)
9. Footballdamus (644.90)
10. Feel the Tanne-thrill (632.94)
11. Jop Suey!!! (545.20)
12. Three Eyed Ravens (543.48)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Anytime you get four 20-point performances, that’s pretty unexpected. While Darrell Henderson and Cooper Kupp have done well at times this season, both combined for 48 points against the Giants, all of which went to Nick. In addition, T.J. Watt went Super Saiyan against the Seahawks for 20 more points. All of those super efforts were needed for Nick to get the win.

WORST: In the star-studded Ravens-Chargers matchup, it was odd that the two biggest stars (Lamar Jackson and Justin Herbert) had their worst games of the year. The former doing well likely wouldn’t have resulted in a win for Ewing, though it might play huge in the fight to not finish last. But Herbert’s lackluster effort may have been the difference for Richard (more on that later).

TRANSACTION

BEST: While I give Gee shit for making more transactions than Wall Street, his aggressive waiver wire moves can pay off. For example, snagging Bobby Wagner (dropped by Taylor) bolstered an already great lineup. But I’m not even giving Taylor shit for it — he cut Wagner to secure Trevon Diggs, who’s scoring at an insane rate. Both Gee and Taylor got better through different methods.

WORST: A trade that didn’t involve Taylor? The fuck? Arik gets Alvin Kamara and Mike Gesicki, while Ewing gets Mark Andrews, Miles Sanders, and James Conner. Ewing has a lot of holes in his lineup, so this is a hopeful attempt to plug a lot of them. But I just don’t think the sum of the parts Ewing got makes up for the whole lot of talent lost in Kamara, who adds to Arik’s arsenal.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: It might’ve been tempting for Gee to rest Joe Mixon, given how heavily the Bengals have relied on the passing game (including Tee Higgins, who’s also on Gee’s roster). But Gee stuck the course and played Mixon — not Higgins — in the FLEX position. The result was a 17-point swing in his favor, which was crucial in turning what would’ve been a squeaker into an easy win.

WORST: While it might’ve looked insane to replace Justin Herbert with Kirk Cousins, doing so would’ve been an expert example of playing the matchup and given Richard a 17-point boost. Yes, Richard lost by 18. But let’s not forget an injured Lavonte David was left in Richard’s lineup. If he had made the switch and taken care of his defensive player spot, Richard could’ve won.

LUCK

BEST: Alright fine, Dad, I’ll talk about our matchup. Through most of the game, CeeDee Lamb hadn’t done shit. Then in the last 20 minutes Lamb goes for two TDs (including a walk-off bomb in OT) to put up 27 points (by far his highest total this season). I’m not saying those two scores were the difference between us, but I’m not not saying that either. A Cowboy helped you win.

WORST: On the other side, I had to deal with that while my two top RBs — David Montgomery and Saquon Barkley — remain sidelined with injuries. While I could’ve subbed in T.Y. Hilton for a bit more points, my fate was left to the waiver wire gods. I was not successful in picking up the points needed, but honestly there was no one good available. I was basically fucked either way.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Well, that was a much better first step than I anticipated.

Sure, the Raiders weren’t perfect — the late Broncos scores made the game seem a lot closer than it actually was. But I will take a decisive win over a division rival (in Denver no less) any day. Both sides of the ball (especially the offense) got back on form. The team as a whole seemed to truly respond to Rich Bisaccia. Regardless of how it happened, the Raiders — coming off a scandal and dismissal that threatened to ruin team chemistry and destroy a promising season — responded positively and got the victory. No matter how the rest of the year plays out, this team can be proud of how they performed this past weekend.

Now can Las Vegas keep up the momentum? In theory, the Raiders have two easy wins ahead of them against the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Giants, followed by a pair of tough but beatable opponents in the Kansas City Chiefs and Cincinnati Bengals. I can see the Raiders winning all of these games — I can also see them losing every one (yes, even the Giants). I never know what to expect, a position made more apparent by the recent changes.

Either way fuck the Broncos.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Anytime I can incorporate soccer into the newsletter, I’m gonna do it.

Maxx Williams had been having a nice year as the second-best player named Maxx in the NFL, but his injury forced the Cardinals to make a move. Although Zach Ertz is a bit older and has seen his production fade, I would not be surprised if the change of scenery (and overall team upgrade) kickstarts Ertz back to his old form much like J.J. Watt. Ever since Super Bowl LII, Philadelphia has been a beacon of sadness, with the Eagles pretty much seemingly every year. Suddenly Ertz is now on the only unbeaten team in the league and in a much happier, warmer place. Meanwhile, Arizona once again proves to be the NFL’s ultimate retirement home, although it actually appears to be working in their favor this time.

Side note: the Ertz’s and Watt’s kids are going to be superhuman athletic freaks, aren’t they?

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 21, 1973, something happened on an NFL field that never happened before and has yet to happen since. If you’ve ever heard of Fred Dryer, it’s likely not because of his NFL career, although it was a distinguished one. Dryer spent 12 years in the league as a DE, most of them with the Los Angeles Rams, forming a great partnership with Jack Youngblood en route to a Pro Bowl nod, two All-Pro honors (including one first team), and the NFL’s sack title in 1974. But it was in the prior year that Dryer — a first-time starter — made history. During a Week 6 game against Green Bay, the Rams were leading the visiting Packers 20-7 in the 4th quarter. Deep in his own territory, Packers QB Scott Hunter dropped back into the end zone, where Dryer broke through on the right side to bring Hunter down for a safety. On their next possession, Green Bay once again found themselves deep in their own territory. This time, Dryer came up the middle to bring down Jim Del Gaizo (who had replaced Hunter) in the end zone. With the tackle, Dryer became the first player in NFL history to record two safeties in a single game (on back-to-back drives no less). In the nearly 50 years since then, no other player has managed to get two safeties in one game. In spite of this achievement, Dryer isn’t largely known for his football heroics. Dryer and teammate Lance Rentzel pretended to be reporters ahead of Super Bowl IX and asked coaches ridiculous questions — this inspired the various eccentricities Super Bowl media day has become famous for. After a stint as a commentator for CBS, Dryer turned to acting, where he had a surprisingly successful career. Dryer starred as Sgt. Rick Hunter in the TV series Hunter, also securing leading roles in the show Land’s End and the movie Death Before Dishonor. But Dryer nearly had a much larger role — he was one of the finalists to play Sam Malone in Cheers. While the role went to Ted Danson, Dryer still appeared in several episodes as sportscaster and Malone’s former Boston Red Sox teammate Dave Richards. Dryer’s acting credits include appearances in CHiPS, Justice League, NCIS, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NFL “HOT MIC” MOMENTS

This past weekend, we saw arguably the greatest piece of shit talking in NFL history. As he rushed for a TD against the Bears, Aaron Rodgers looked into the Chicago crowd and yelled, “I still own you!” — an outburst that was caught on what’s called a “hot mic” in the broadcasting business. This was far from the only time a profane remark was accidentally recorded for all to hear — here are some of the best hot mic moments in an NFL game.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE VARIOUS SWEARS

Unless it happens during your show, unintentional swearing on TV is hilarious. There have been a large number of random F bombs or other words that have made broadcasts, but it takes something special to stand out. Take for example someone on the Bears yelling, “Fucking shit” after a flag or Aaron Rodgers screaming, “Ah fuck” after a bad snap. Those are golden moments.

HONORABLE MENTION: WATCH THIS

When this happened, it was one of the coolest things anyone had ever seen. Cam Newton called out Clay Matthews’ defensive audibles, remarking, “You’ve been watching film too, huh? That’s cool — watch this” before scoring a TD. However, its coolness — much like Newton’s career as a whole — has faded in recent years. It’s still interesting, but it’s not even carried by swearing.

10. FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER

Bernard Pollard is known for many things, most of them injuries inflicted on various New England Patriots players. But Pollard also has one of the loudest, most profane hot mic moments in NFL history. During the first game of the 2010 season, Pollard pushed Reggie Wayne out of bounds after a short gain, yelling, “Get your ass out of bounds” in the process. Wayne fired something back, prompting Pollard to get in his face and scream — for the world to hear — “Fuck you, motherfucker” twice in a row. It’s great because it involves four clear as day F bombs at once.

9. THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT

The ending to the Patriots-Panthers game in 2013 was controversial to say the least. Tom Brady’s last second throw into the end zone was picked off, but pass interference  on Rob Gronkowski was called on Luke Kuechly. However, the officials talked it over and picked up the flag, declaring the game over. An irate Brady spent a few seconds not bitching at the referees before running over to them and asking what happened. Brady was clearly not happy with the explanation and was clearly heard yelling, “That’s fucking bullshit.” Oh, poor Tom Brady…

8. THAT’S NOT FUCKING HOLDING

Trailing in the 4th quarter against the Cincinnati Bengals in 2011, the Rams went to the ground game to pick up a 1st down. However, the play was called back due to a holding call on Harvey Dahl. As the call was being announced, Dahl was picked up on the mic saying “I know you didn’t just call holding.” Still not knowing he was hot, Dahl added, “That’s not fucking holding.” That tacked on another 15-yard penalty, this one for unsportsmanlike conduct. Apparently, the PA staff in St. Louis played “Fuck You” by Cee Lo Green afterwards, which is straight up fucking hilarious.

7. HIS HAND WAS GOING FORWARD

This instance was set up by a bizarre play between the Seahawks and Jets. Ryan Fitzpatrick was hit and lost the ball, though everyone thought it was an incomplete pass. That is, everyone but Charone Peake, who picked the ball up and ran into the end zone. The referees naturally went to review, but while announcing the initial ruling they were interrupted by Earl Thomas, who loudly explained that “[Fitzpatrick’s] arm was going forward” and thus threw an incomplete pass. Sadly for Thomas, the referees disagreed and the TD stood. I can imagine how Thomas felt afterwards.

6. TELL MIKE I SAID FUCK HIM

Jay Cutler and Mike Martz did not have a good working relationship. Martz’s schemes often left Cutler open to getting sacked, with Cutler never being allowed to even audible into another play. Things came to a head in 2011, when Cutler finally had enough and decided to call his own play. Knowing that Martz word object, Cutler turned to the Bears’ sideline and yelled, “Tell Mike I said fuck him.” Even though they won the game, Chicago only went 8-8 that year and missed the playoffs, with Martz being dismissed from the team. So as it turns out Cutler probably had a point.

5. I’M NOT THE MIKE

Tony Romo is a pretty smart guy — watching any game’s calling will provide enough proof. But some people think they can outsmart him. Consider Jameel McClain one of those people. During a Cowboys-Giants game, Romo was calling out the reads at the line of scrimmage and correctly identified McClain as the middle LB (known as the “Mike”). While McClain didn’t backpedal or attempt to hide his coverage, he did try to trick Romo by simply responding, “I’m not the Mike.”. Incredibly, Romo wasn’t fooled, but McClain’s lie provided a spectacular football on TV moment. 

4. GOD DAMNIT, DONALD

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a close game or lopsided in a particular direction — if you fuck up, Peyton Manning will let you know. Such was the case during a postseason game against the Baltimore Ravens, when Manning apparently called for Donald Brown to block pressure coming from the left side. Donald for whatever reason went to the right, forcing Manning to improvise. During the scramble, Manning was heard yelling out, “God damnit, Donald” before sliding for a loss of a few yards. This was also the first hot mic moment I personally caught, so it’s special.

3. WHOA THERE, MOTHERFUCKER

Blaine Gabbert is known for three things. The first is being a major NFL draft bust and the second is riding Tom Brady’s coat tails for a Super Bowl ring. Those two make the third thing even more hilarious. During a game against the Texans, Gabbert scrambled for a few yards and — just as he was going out of bounds — avoided a hit by Houston’s Brian Cushing. It was a late hit and pretty unnecessary, which fits Cushing’s m.o. But then Gabbert turned around, looked directly at Cushing, and yelled out, “Whoa there, motherfucker.” It was quite unexpected and fantastic.

2. GET FUCKING SET

This is my personal favorite — Matt Ryan yelling, “Get fucking set” at Mohammed Sanu at the line of scrimmage. It’s brilliant for many reasons, including the fact that it came from Ryan of all people. It was also so clear and concise — there was no hiding what he said. The pause after the words were broadcasted (to a huge Monday Night Football audience no less) only added to the hilarity. It was brief but incredibly effective. I’m assuming this was the work of some Atlanta Falcons fan, but someone made a remix of Ryan’s yell as a rap song and it low key slaps.   

1. I STILL OWN YOU

I know this literally just happened, but it’s fucking perfect. Chicago started the shit talking by mocking Aaron Rodgers’ belt celebration. It seemed inevitable that Rodgers would get the last laugh, so when he torched the Bears with his legs and busted out the belt again, we thought it was done. Then the yelling — “I own you. I still own you.” What makes this shit talking stand out is that it’s true — just look at Rodgers’ record and overall statistics against the Bears. The best kind of insults are the ones that can’t even be argued. Chicago has to just say, “yeah, he’s right.”

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (5-1) VS. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-2)

This is the week where byes really start to become a pain in the ass. Take this matchup for example. Dixie Normous is without Dak Prescott, Austin Ekeler, and T.J. Watt, while C’s New Champ Team loses Dalvin Cook and Emmanuel Sanders. Nick is resorting to Mac Jones at QB, so you know things are getting desperate. Even so, Nick is still heavily favored over Chriss, who despite a 4-2 record needs this win a hell of a lot more. Chriss has to bank on recent signings overperforming expectations in order to cool off the first place team (albeit not at full strength).

49ERS (5-1) VS. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (3-3)

…UUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell, like its real life counterpart, is battered, beaten, and on a bad streak. Now I get to face the second-highest scoring team in the league without Saquon Barkley, David Montgomery, and Stefon Diggs. 49ers meanwhile know no such hardships (Najee Harris aside) and get to use Aaron Rodgers, Jonathan Taylor, Joe Mixon, and Bobby Wagner. At least any success by Taylor will come at the expense of Gee’s favorite team — the real 49ers. That’s a moral loss, right?

SLEEPING GIANTS (4-2) VS. FEEL THE TANNE-THRILL (3-3)

An intriguing matchup between two squads that could be on the precipice of something great. Another win would mean Feel the Tanne-Thrill has officially turned its season around, while Sleeping Giants would officially join the league’s elite. Both are dealing with absences — Kyle is without Kareem Hunt and Zach Moss, while Dad loses Adam Thielen, CeeDee Lamb, and Dawson Knox. The headline games will definitely be Chiefs-Titans (Ryan Tannehill and Pat Mahomes) and Packers-Washington (Davante Adams and Aaron Jones) for this matchup.

YEA BABY! (3-3) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-3)

Yea baby! and the Krispy Kritters have established themselves in solid position thanks to bold moves and roster decisions. But I never could have predicted what I saw when I went to write the preview for this matchup. Richard is without Justin Herbert and Kirk Cousins, so he’s going with Matt Ryan of all people. But if you think that’s surprising, get a load of what Arik did. Without Josh Allen, Arik is riding with Tua Tagovailoa, the apparently soon-to-be-former Dolphins QB. The Falcons-Dolphins game of all games will see both QBs in this matchup square off. What a world.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (2-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-5)

Holy shit I thought I had bad luck with player absences, until I looked at Gruden Grinders. Jimmy not only has an injured Russell Wilson, but is losing Ezekiel Elliott, James Robinson, Amari Cooper, Cole Beasley, and Chase Claypool to the bye. That also means Jimmy has no room to drop the Cowboys defense (on a bye), Jarvis Landry, and Devontae Booker. That is some impressively awful luck. All Three Eyed Ravens have to do is show up to get the win, although given how Ewing’s season has gone so far it wouldn’t be shocking if he still fucked it up. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (2-4) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-5)

(Looks at standings) How the fuck have I lost to both of these guys? I’m too pissed to give an honest preview so allow me to just repeat something we all agree on. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE ASTROS. FUCK THE HOUSTON ASTROS. 

ONE LAST THING

Something happened to me this past week in one of my other leagues that I need to talk about and only you guys will truly understand. 

Some background: this league is weird. I was dragged into it by one of my coworkers, whose boyfriend (also a coworker) has been a part of this league for years. They needed two replacements for departing players, so they picked the girlfriend and (upon her recommendation) me. I figured it would be fun and the $50 buy-in was enticing. Then the draft process began and I realized the bizarro world I had stepped into.

Turns out, the draft order is determined by where you finished in the previous season (you know, like the actual draft). The girlfriend and I were given the middle spots (7th and 8th, respectively) as newcomers. However, that’s not the order in which we draft — it’s the order in which we pick where we draft. The first person in the order gets to pick where in the draft (1-14) they select, then the next person and so on. I was flabbergasted upon realizing this and then flabbergasted again at what was left over by the time my choice (the 8th in order) was up. The 2nd overall pick was still available. Literally half the league looked at the 2nd pick being up for the taking and said “Nah, I’m good.” Even more unusual — the 3rd pick was taken. So anyway I chose the 2nd pick and drafted Derrick Henry. 

That was not the last case of people doing too much in this league. Each player gets 10 (TEN!) Injured Reserve roster slots and is limited to seven player adds per week. In addition, instead of having waiver priority be determined by order of record, everyone in the league is given $100 (in fictional money) to put on their claim. The person with the highest bid gets the player. It’s like a silent auction but for nerds. 

To top it all off, if you think I go over the top with writing a newsletter every week, these motherfuckers HAVE A WEEKLY PODCAST. I have never listened to it (I’m not even in the group text — everyone else has an iPhone and those elitist pieces of technology won’t allow my android access to their conversation), but apparently my team was the subject of shit talking for literally random reasons. The other league members apparently don’t like my team or how it was constructed. They can go fuck themselves — I’m currently sitting in a playoff spot.

But the weirdest thing of all happened this past week. I was trailing by a lot going into Monday Night but had Josh Allen, Derrick Henry, and Emmanuel Sanders up my sleeve (my opponent had Cole Beasley). My guys got me back in it and I was only a few points behind going into the Bills’ final drive. The lead had shrunken to just half a point when Buffalo was faced with 3rd and 6. Allen scrambled for the 1st down, but could only pick up five yards. Still, that was half a point for me — it was all even. Literally one more passing or rushing yard and I would win. But then Allen got stuffed on 4th and 1 for no gain and the game was over.

Once I had stopped being in disbelief over how the game ended (why the fuck would you not just kick a FG and go to OT?), the realization of what it meant began to seep in. I checked my score to see if Allen would get a fraction of a point taken away or added. But the score did not change, just the status of the matchup — it was final. The score: 104.52-104.52. Somehow, in this bizarro ass league with so many added rules and a scoring system that includes the hundredth decimal, I had managed to tie a fantasy football game.

I’ve never recorded a tie in fantasy before. I’m a fan of soccer — ties (draws) happen all the time and are an accepted part of the sport. Even in hockey a team who loses in OT or a shootout gets credited with a tie in their record. But in fantasy football? It felt weird and unclean (it didn’t help that my opponent’s logo was Klay Thompson as Patrick Star). The group chat apparently blew the fuck up at this result. If I don’t face this guy in the playoffs, he will go down in history as the only person I’ve ever played in fantasy sports that I didn’t either beat or lose to. 

My question for you all: what would you do if you finished in a tie in fantasy football? Don’t say it will never happen — I’m living proof that a tie can exist.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness