Ruben's Writings

Happy Halloween, bitches!

It feels weird to write that when we’re still a few days away from Halloween. But this is the last newsletter before then and I have to hit the annual theme for the last time. This Sunday’s football games are going to be so full of Halloween puns/gags that I’m going to need all of the candy I planned to give to trick-or-treaters in order to survive.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (6-1) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-3)

124.18 – 76.06

I’m not sure if you guys realize this, but the vast majority of our fantasy football games suck. I can count on one hand the number of matchups that finish with a single-digit margin of victory every year. I know everyone wants to hear about how they did, but it gets difficult to do five different versions of “Team A kicked Team B’s ass” every single week. This week was no exception. Only two matchups were decided by fewer than 20 points and one of them was my loss. I don’t want to talk about that shit. Normally I’d tough it out and just bang these out in about an hour. But this week I’m hella behind (I may have spent quite a few hours playing a new video game I will reveal in a new theme sometime in the next few weeks). I can’t seem to motivate myself to finish this section, largely because of the lopsided results. So with all due respect to the winners (Dixie Normous, 49ers, Yea baby!, Tanne-Thrill’s Last Ride, Gruden Grinders, Footballdams), I’m going to write about a different topic in order to finish this part. 

49ERS (6-1) DEF. COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (3-4)

108.66 – 94.84

I’m going to talk about holidays, centering on Halloween given that this is the theme and it’s one of my favorite holidays. This year, I kind of don’t give a shit about it and I haven’t even started costume shopping (something I often do in September). This isn’t the first time I’ve caught myself not caring as much about certain days. I can’t tell if my feelings on holidays are changing just because that’s what happens when I become an adult, or because of circumstances surrounding my life. It’s typical that interest in things you loved as a child (such as superficial holidays) goes down over time. But I feel like it’s been accelerated for me. I haven’t given a shit about Valentine’s Day for years for obvious reasons, although that’s traditionally been the only holiday I’ve felt that way about. But to me New Year’s has become an excuse to drink and party, I barely remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving is just about food, I always spend a lot of money during Christmas, and even the 4th of July (my favorite holiday) was extremely muted this year.

YEA BABY! (4-3) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-6)

128.24 – 108.84

Part of this growing apathy towards holidays has to be my job. Unlike a lot of other industries, the news does not give one single shit about holidays. While everyone has them off, I have worked every major holiday at least once since I’ve been at FOX40. The news doesn’t stop for holidays, so someone has to be there to help report it. I don’t even know when minor holidays — Labor Day, MLK Day, Presidents’ Day, etc. — even happen because I haven’t been required to have them off in nearly a decade. This doesn’t mean we don’t celebrate them at work — I’ve worked in Halloween costumes, various shades of green, and with my classic santa hat. But over the past few years, my interest has gradually faded. Maybe it’s the whole depression thing rearing its ugly head. Maybe it’s every family-oriented holiday filling me with dread because instead of one, full holidays I get two half-assed versions. Maybe my recent travels have thrown off my sense of timing and anticipation. Maybe I’m becoming even more of a grumpy old man than I realized. 

TANNE-THRILL’S LAST RIDE (4-3) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (4-3)

131.80 – 112.62

I don’t want to feel this way. Hell, I’m planning to go to a Harry Potter-themed Halloween party this weekend and I still can’t get excited about it (side note: if anyone has an orange wig to spare, I’m your Huckleberry). I wish I could feel the same way about these holidays as I did when I was little. I even think I will again some day. But the fact that I don’t know how long that will take is terrifying. Still, I think one light at the end of the tunnel is a lot of these holidays being geared towards more than one person. I don’t know if Gabby and I will get trick-or-treaters this year (we live at the end of a cul-de-sac that doesn’t have a lot of children), but maybe getting to hand out candy to kids who haven’t hit their quarter/third-life crisis yet will do something for me. I talked about spending a lot of money during Christmas. That’s because I take great pride in giving the perfect gift to people I care about. I honestly like it more than getting gifts. If pigs ever fly, Hell freezes over, and I get a girlfriend again, Valentine’s Day is going to be fucking incredible.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-4) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-6)

122.84 – 90.84

I know I’m seemingly making a lot out of something as superficial as holidays, which more often than not are meant for people to spend way too much money on shit they’re told they like or need. But I think my feelings towards holidays are a reflection of my overall attitude and outlook on life. I’ve been truly burnt out by work and have never thought about changing jobs or moving out of town as much before in my life. I’m struggling to overcome many personal challenges that I know if beaten would change my life for the better. However, the good news is that if it is burnout, there will be plenty of opportunities to snap out of it. Even though I’ve just been on a few trips, I’m looking forward to staying at home on weekends to truly recharge my batteries. At the very least I think that I’ve convinced myself to care enough about Halloween to go to the store and buy a shit ton of candy. Anyway, I know I said I would neglect writing actual recaps this week in favor of my convoluted rant on holidays. But there’s one matchup I just can’t ignore. The stench is too great.

GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-4) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-6)

77.18 – 73.58

What we have just witnessed is one of the most insanely idiotic fantasy football matchups I’ve ever seen. At no point in the rambling, incoherent showdown between Gruden Grinders and Three Eyed Ravens did either team put forth anything that could even be considered a rational attempt at playing successful football. Everyone in this league is now worse at fantasy football for having witnessed this complete and utter pathetic display. For Jimmy, his reliance on Sam Darnold nearly doomed him, although he was saved by a tremendous effort from Ja’Marr Chase (26 points). Darren Waller unexpectedly missing the game and Jimmy having half his roster on a bye didn’t help, either. But Ewing was let down by a host of people as well — Allen Robinson, Jakobi Meyers, Myles Sanders (although he was injured), Mark Andrews, and the Chiefs defense all were poor once again for a reling Ewing. I wish I could award losses to both of you. May God have mercy on your souls. I love how I can whip this meme out at least once a year.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (6-1)
2. 49ers (6-1)
3. Yea baby! (4-3)
4. Sleeping Giants (4-3)
5. Tanne-Thrill’s Last Ride (4-3)
6. C’s New Champ Team (4-3)
7. The Krispy Kritters (3-4)
8. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (3-4)
9. Footballdamus (3-4)
10. Gruden Grinders (3-4)
11. Jop Suey!!! (1-6)
12. Three Eyed Ravens (1-6)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (898.30)
2. 49ers (832.94)
3. Yea baby! (818.46)
4. The Krispy Kritters (803.18)
5. Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell (775.80)
6. Footballdamus (767.74)
7. Sleeping Giants (760.72)
8. Tanne-Thrill’s Last Ride (758.94)
9. Gruden Grinders (750.54)
10. C’s New Champ Team (734.18)
11. Jop Suey!!! (636.04)
12. Three Eyed Ravens (617.06)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: With their two starting RBs and starting QB out, not many expected the Browns to win. But it turns out in addition to being a factory of sadness, Cleveland is a RB factory. D’Ernest Johnson — the third-string back — ran tough and well, putting up a 22-point effort. when he hadn’t earned three points combined all year. He might not have led Taylor to a win, but keep an eye on him.

WORST: I’m not a particularly religious man, but I will worship whatever deity I need to in order for Pat Mahomes to continue his terrible form. I can’t remember the last time Mahomes failed to find the end zone or finish with single-digit points. Dad may not enjoy his husband enduring the worst stretch of his career, but I hope Mahomes’ awful run continues for the rest of his career.

TRANSACTION

BEST: While I can’t go into too much depth on Arik’s aspect of the trade (his trade with Jimmy [which technically counts for this week] involves a piece gotten from this trade), I can speak about how much he got robbed by Kyle. This was an amazing trade for Kyle, who now gets to roll out Josh Allen and (when he eventually gets back from injury) Christian McCaffrey in his lineup.

WORST: Jimmy might’ve won, but only because he was playing the last place team. It certainly wasn’t because of his decision to pick up Sam Darnold in place of Carson Wentz. While Wentz did well against the 49ers, Darnold didn’t even register a fifth of Wentz’s total points. Arguably no team is on a slide like the Panthers and Darnold’s play has been a large part of this awful string.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: On paper, given his and his team’s overall shitty slide and the rumors surrounding his future trade, Tua Tagovailoa didn’t seem like the best option at QB. But Arik didn’t give a shit about any of that and played the matchup. He was rewarded with one of the best QB efforts of the entire week (28 points), one that turned what would’ve been a close matchup into a rout.

WORST: EWING GODDAMN IT IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO KEEP KENYAN DRAKE ON YOUR BENCH JUST TRADE HIM TO ME ALREADY. During a weekend where even a mediocre performance would’ve given Ewing the win, Drake (13 points) was left wanting, with Ewing for some reason going with the likes of James Conner over him. You don’t deserve Drake, you bitch.

LUCK

BEST: We’re at the point in the season when bye weeks can fuck you up, especially if you’re already dealing with injuries. That was the case with Jimmy, whose luck extended into the starting lineup with Darren Waller’s injury. So why is Jimmy in the good luck section? He managed to win because he was facing one of only two teams he could’ve beaten. That’s some amazing luck.

WORST: On the other side we have Richard, who was also dealing with a deadly mix of injuries and bye weeks. Unlike Jimmy, Richard managed to get great production from the only players he could’ve gone with, finishing with over 100 points. However, Richard had the luck of facing the highest-scoring team in the league. Richard would’ve beaten over half the league. Tough shit.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

Huh…

After that first Eagles TD and Derek Carr bad luck INT, I was convinced this would be one of those classic Raiders games where we shit the bed against a bad team after a good performance. But then Las Vegas absolutely dominated (apart from Jalen Hurts asserting himself as the new Stat Padford with his garbage time heroics) with some incredible work on both sides of the ball. The defense did great work to contain Hurtz and force some key turnovers. Foster Moreau did an amazing job of filling in for Darren Waller (on National TE Day, no less). But chief among the stars was Derek Carr, who finished with an astounding 91.2% completion rate, which is the second-highest in history (minimum 20 attempts). 

Yes, Philadelphia is a terrible team and Carr (along with the rest of the team) have coincidentally thrived against two awful squads. But this is what good teams are supposed to do against bad ones. I don’t know exactly how much he’s specifically done to help the squad, but Rich Bissacia has these guys playing inspired football. It’s like Dan Campbell, except the Raiders are actually winning. Sometimes you don’t need a coach to dominate the x’s and o’s — just have faith in your players and let them ball out. That’s what Bisaccia is doing and it’s been an amazing response.

For once, I don’t want the Raiders to go on a bye week — I’m afraid we’ll lose the momentum we’ve gathered over the past two weeks. But look ahead at the schedule after the bye — the New York Giants are garbage, the Kansas City Chiefs are on a slide, and the Cincinnati Bengals have to fall off soon, right? Oh god oh no it’s optimism! Quick, hit the panic button!

STAT OF THE WEEK

So… when does Kyle Shanahan’s seat get a little bit hot?

This is Shanahan’s fifth season in charge in San Francisco — only once in the previous four have the 49ers finished above .500. In the regular season, the 49ers are 31-39 under him. Take away the 13-3 season of 2019 and that becomes a measly 18-36. Yes, San Francisco has seen some unfortunate injury luck during those off years, including two season-ending injuries to Jimmy Garoppolo. But if you’re among the camp saying Garoppolo is overrated and Trey Lance should start (like most of the 49ers fan base nowadays), you can’t cite his injuries as an excuse for San Francisco’s poor record under Shanahan. Often considered an offensive genius, some of the 49ers’ biggest struggles have come on offense. Let’s not forget that the great 2019 season ended with San Francisco blowing a double-digit 4th quarter lead in Super Bowl LIV thanks to questionable play calling (that doesn’t even get into what he did as the Atlanta Falcons’ offensive coordinator in Super Bowl LI). This year, with most injuries to non-RBs turned off, the 49ers have nearly blown a Falcons-esque lead to the Detroit Lions, barely beat the Philadelphia Eagles, lost three games in a row to actual good teams (the pre-Russell Wilson injury Seattle Seahawks count), then off a bye lost by double digits at home to the Indianapolis Colts. 

Don’t worry, 49ers fans — that change won’t be coming soon. Shanahan is still basically a golden child in San Francisco, so the team would basically have to go winless in order for the “f” word to seriously be thrown around. But look at the schedule going forward — if the 49ers somehow fall to the Chicago Bears, a rematch with the Arizona Cardinals and a date with the Los Angeles Rams could leave them 2-7 going into their second bye week (Week 11 against the Jacksonville Jaguars). But after that are teams like the Minnesota Vikings, Cincinnati Bengals, and Tennessee Titans, as well as rematches with the (presumably healthy) Seahawks and Rams. This is quickly turning into another lost season for San Francisco

.RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NFL WET WEATHER GAMES

Of course, the whole “dropping to 2-4 while losing to a mediocre Indianapolis Colts team” thing wasn’t the only reason the San Francisco 49ers’ last game was notable. The weekend storm that literally broke a record also sent a downpour onto Levi’s Stadium. Words I’ve only ever heard our FOX40 meteorologists say — like “bomb cyclone” and “atmospheric river” — were used to describe the playing conditions. Replays and close-ups showed just how badly the rain was coming down and soaking everyone in Santa Clara. The rain wasn’t just an effect — it had an impact on the game, with some important plays being influenced by slipperiness.

While Sunday’s rain was some serious weather, it wasn’t even close to the most impactful storm that has ever showered an NFL field. There have been even more incredible rain events, straight up monsoons, and floods that created epically muddy playing surfaces. Let’s take a look at some of the wettest, messiest games the NFL has ever seen. NOTE: when it comes to “wet weather,” I mean rain and mud (the result of rain on a field). Snow/cold weather games aren’t included, mostly because I may be planning on talking about them in a future newsletter.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE FINAL COLLEGE ALL-STAR GAME

Did you know that for decades, the NFL/Super Bowl champion would play a preseason game against a team of college all-stars? These games indeed took place until 1976. That year saw the Pittsburgh Steelers win 24-0 in a game called in the third quarter due to torrential rain, lightning, and fans rushing the field and tearing down the goal posts. This shit was absolutely fucking wild.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE RAVENS DROP THE BALL

If last year’s game would’ve been played in normal conditions, the Baltimore Ravens likely would have curbstomped the New England Patriots. But instead the game was played amid a storm that only grew as the game went on. While the Ravens took an early lead, the wet conditions led to some uncharacteristic mistakes in key situations, allowing the Patriots to earn a shock 23-17 win.

HONORABLE MENTION: SAYERS IN THE MUD

Gale Sayers dominated the San Francisco 49ers in 1965, tying an NFL record with six TDs in a single game. But what many don’t remember about that game is that the field was covered in mud, which some thought would go against Sayers’ graceful running style. Sayers of course proved everybody wrong and turned one of the worst fields he ever played on into a canvas.

10. SLIPPING AND SLIDING

FedEx Field isn’t known for quality turf, so adding a torrential downpour would only make things worse. That was the case in 2019, as the Redskins hosted the 49ers in a contest where there were more players sliding around than points on the board. Robbie Gould converted three FGs (all from under 30 yards) and San Francisco’s defense limited Washington to just 154 total yards. That was enough to give the 49ers an ugly 9-0 win, with the highlight of the game definitely being the celebrations by San Francisco, treating the soaking, slippery field like a giant slip & slide.

9. THE WET TUNDRA

Lambeau Field is known for its cold weather games, but can also provide memorable moments when the thermostat doesn’t dip below freezing. Take what happened in 1996 during the Green Bay Packers and San Francisco 49ers’ clash in the 1996 Divisional Round. Mud and rain made a mess of Green Bay’s offense, which only managed 210 total yards (including just 76 in the air from Brett Favre). But the Packers’ defense and special teams stepped up big time, dominating San Francisco en route to a 35-14 win and their first ever home NFC Championship game. 

8. A MUDDY TIE

Things have to be pretty extreme for a game to earn the nickname “Mud Bowl.” Three games have really earned that title, the first of them coming in 1964 and featuring the New York Giants and St. Louis Cardinals. Rain turned the field into a massive mud pit, with both offenses largely locked down by the playing conditions. In fact, there ended up not being anything between the two teams — the game ended in a 10-10 tie in a result many deemed an upset. The Cardinals were title contenders — this tie led to them finishing behind the Cleveland Browns for first place.

7. THROUGH THE MUD TO THE SUPER BOWL

Perhaps the most significant game to earn the “Mud Bowl” nickname was the 1982 AFC title game between the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets. The first ever clash between these two AFC East rivals was shrouded in controversy, as the Jets complained that the Dolphins didn’t put a tarp over the field the night before the game. That turned the field into a muddy mess, causing New York’s offense to stall before it got going. Miami’s defense forced five INTs from Jets QB Richard Todd and the Dolphins defeated New York 14-0 to advance to Super Bowl XVII.

6. A WET FIRST TIME (NO NOT LIKE THAT)

Even though they had played them for decades, it took until 1989 for the Pittsburgh Steelers to earn their first ever win in Miami. Oddly enough, it happened in conditions seemingly perfect for Dolphins to thrive. Under an incredible downpour that turned the field into a pool, Miami took a 14-0 lead, only for a 23-minute stretch across the 2nd and 3rd quarters to be their undoing. The Dolphins committed five turnovers and the Steelers scored all 34 of their points in that span. Pittsburgh won 34-14, powered by three TDs from FB (and former ESPN analyst) Merril Hoge.

5. RARE L.A. RAIN & MUD

There may not have been a muddier game in NFL history than the 1977 playoff encounter between the Minnesota Vikings and Los Angeles Rams, which also goes by the “Mud Bowl” name. The Rams had finally gotten a home playoff game against Minnesota, but still had to endure harsh weather as a torrential downpour was unleashed. The home team couldn’t overcome this disadvantage, as the Vikings (who had lost to the Rams 35-3 earlier in the season) managed to pull off a mud-soaked 14-7 upset. Fortunately, a late FG wasn’t needed.

4. THE SUDDEN MONSOON

Things started innocently enough during the Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers in 2011, which was billed as a battle of rookie QBs Cam Newton and Blaine Gabbert. But in the 2nd quarter, the sky opened up and unleashed a monsoon upon both teams. So much rain came down that parts of the field became flooded and players slid around for like 15 yards after being tackled. Neither QB played well, with both Newton and Gabbert finishing with fewer than 160 yards. But Carolina scored with just under five minutes left and hung on to win 16-10.

3. MONDAY NIGHT MUD

What happened between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Miami Dolphins during their 2007 clash on Monday Night Football may be considered the worst game in modern NFL history. A deluge of rain had transformed Heinz Field into a mud pit so awful that at one point a punt literally sunk into the field as soon as it hit the ground — without even bouncing. Both teams combined for just 375 total yards and almost finished with the first ever scoreless game in the Super Bowl era. But with 20 seconds left, the Steelers kicked a FG to mercifully end the game and win 3-0.

2. NEARLY SLIPPING AWAY

Just three years after entering the NFL with a winless season, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers had the chance to enter the 1979 playoffs as NFC Central champs. Standing before them was a final day showdown with the Kansas City Chiefs — and a torrential downpour that created a wet, muddy, slippery mess. Several Buccaneers drives ended in fumbles caused by the rain and both offenses struggled, remaining scoreless for most of the game. However, Tampa Bay got a 4th quarter FG and held on for the 3-0 win, clinching the first postseason berth in franchise history.   

1. LAKE ARROWHEAD

Everything seemed normal as the 1998 Sunday Night Football game between the Kansas City Chiefs and Seattle Seahawks began. But right before kickoff, a flood of water fell down from the sky and brought several inches of rain down upon Arrowhead Stadium. The field turned into a lake and the locker rooms even received an inch of water. The game was delayed due to lightning by 54 minutes in the 2nd quarter and halftime was reduced to just six minutes in order to finish the game as quickly as possible. Somehow, the Chiefs did enough to earn a 17-6 win. 

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 28, 2007, the NFL held its first ever regular season game overseas. Before 2007, the NFL actually had an extensive history of playing games in foreign countries. The first — between the Los Angeles Wildcats and New York Yankees (both of the first AFL) — took place in Toronto in 1926. Since then, dozens of games (most of them in the 1980’s and 90’s) had been held in foreign cities, from all over Canada and Mexico to places like London. Dublin, Berlin, Barcelona, and Goteborg (Sweden) to even Beijing, Tokyo, Osaka, and Sydney. However, with the exception of that 1926 game (which wasn’t even technically the NFL), none of them really counted. They were either preseason games or exhibitions between NFL teams and teams from the CFL. Every NFL game that actually counted in the standings remained at home in the U.S. That is until 2005, when the Arizona Cardinals played a Week 4 home game against the San Francisco 49ers at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. The Cardinals won the game (dubbed “Futbol Americano”) 31-14 and apparently the NFL liked it enough to keep expanding into foreign markets. While the Mexico City game was a one-off, the league was quick to implement the NFL International Series, with the goal of playing at least one regular season game in a different country each year. The first game of the series would also make history, as the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins would travel to London for their Week 8 matchup — the first ever regular season NFL game outside of the Americas. However, any hype for the game being action-packed was quickly drowned out by the pouring rain, which turned the Wembley Stadium turf into a muddy mess. Still, the Giants got decent production from Brandon Jacobs, who finished with 135 yards on the ground. But it was actually Eli Manning (who only threw for 59 yards) who scored New York’s only TD — with his legs — as the Giants took a 13-0 halftime lead. While New York’s offense stalled after that, the defense (led by London-born Osi Umenyiora) kept Miami mostly in check. The Dolphins made a late rally, but ultimately the Giants held on for the 13-10 win. While they would stumble for a bit afterwards, New York would go on to rally late in the season, make the playoffs, and pull off the greatest upset in the history of football by winning Super Bowl XLII. Miami (now 0-8) would eventually reach 0-13 before beating the Baltimore Ravens for the one bright spot in a 1-15 season. The NFL of course would continue to schedule more international regular season games, none of which anyone really gives a shit about. 

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

49ERS (6-1) VS. TANNE-THRILL’S LAST RIDE (4-3)

Hot damn this is gonna be a good one. Both 49ers and Tanne-Thrill’s last ride are locked and loaded with some of the best talent in the league. Gee gets to roll out Aaron Rodgers, Jonathan Taylor, Joe Mixon, Najee Harris, and Terry McLaurin, while Kyle counters with Josh Allen, Chris Godwin, Travis Kelce, Zach Moss, and Damien Harris. However, in addition to Christian McCaffrey, Kyle won’t be allowed to play Davante Adams due to COVID-19 issues. Even though Gee has Rodgers, Adams’ absence may fuck over Kyle more and be the difference here.

DIXIE NORMOUS (6-1) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-4)

Footballdamus can put up points with anyone (as I unfortunately discovered), but can also have some terrible performances. Unfortunately for Riez, I don’t think it will matter this week. That’s because Dixie Normous is expecting another fire week, with Dak Prescott and Austin Ekeler back, Tyreek Hill against poor competition, and Mike Evans, Darrell Henderson, and Cooper Kupp in tasty matchups. Nick is expecting another week of many points. Having Nick Chubb back should help Riez’s chances, but losing Josh Jacobs to a bye may be too much against Nick.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (3-4) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (3-4)

While C’s New Champ Team and the Krispy Kritters each currently have a losing record, these two rosters could put up numbers worthy of playoff contenders. Matt Stafford (Chriss) and Justin Herbert (Richard) should be on fire, while names like Derrick Henry, Dalvin Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, Antonio Brown, Tyler Lockett, Robert Woods, Zach Ertz, and Leonard Fournette dot this matchup. Even the two defenses — Buccaneers (Richard) and Bengals (Chriss) — should get in on the action. This is an explosive matchup that could be decided by Sunday night.

YEA BABY! (4-3) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-4)

The biggest question between Yea baby! and Gruden Grinders is, “will these teams stop trading QBs for fuck’s sake?” Days after acquiring Ryan Tannehill, Arik is shipping him to Jimmy of all people for Russell Wilson. Even with Tannehill soon to be in tow, Jimmy will face an uphill battle against Arik, who’s emerged as the next best contender after the Top 2. To add insult to potential injury, Arik is currently going with Daniel fucking Jones as his QB (that will probably change, but there have been so many moves I can barely keep track anymore and I’m fucking tired).

SLEEPING GIANTS (4-3) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-6)

Are… are we on a potential upset alert here? Pat Mahomes has been playing like shit, Aaron Jones hasn’t put up a lot of points (and has a terrible matchup), Eli Mitchell and the Bears defense will negate each other, and Mo Alie-Cox and Tony Pollard are liabilities. That’s bad news for Sleeping Giants, especially because Jop Suey!!! gets Jerry Jeudy back, has Kyler Murray against a depleted Packers squad, and the Steelers defence facing an even more depleted Browns team. I’m not saying Taylor is going to win, but Dad had better watch out this weekend. 

COLE BEASLEY’S BRAIN CELL (3-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-6)

LET’S GO, MOTHERFUCKER! If my winning streak against Dad must end, I’d better keep the one I have against Ewing going! Naturally, Three Eyed Ravens are losing Lamar Jackson to a bye week the one time Ewing would absolutely despise losing. Now he has to rely on Crab Legs to power his squad, which will coincidentally come against Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell’s QB (Tom Brady). I also have seemed to find one of the few teams being fucked over by injury and bye week luck as much as mine. If I lose to the last place team again I’m gonna be fucking pissed. 

ONE LAST THING

Even though the newsletter is ending this year, we may have unintentionally found its spiritual successor. Last night, Nick hosted a Zoom meeting/podcast for us to talk about fantasy football and other bullshit we felt like discussing. The call itself lasted about an hour (I joined halfway through) and we got about half the league to join (sorry about the group text miscommunication, Arik). I’ve got to say this was fun and a great way to chat with everyone through work and other life schedules that don’t often enable us to get together. Thanks to Nick for hosting and uploading our conversation to YouTube (that link will be sent out eventually). I’d love for this to be a more common thing, so sound off if you guys want to do that again!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness