Ruben's Writings

Congrats to the Atlanta Braves on winning their first World Series since 1995 and — more importantly — denying the Houston Astros a legitimate championship. The Braves also broke the Atlanta Sports Curse and provided some much-needed relief for a city denied joy over and over again. The roster is loaded with likeable talent and — given their injuries they somehow overcame — should mean the Braves will be contenders for years to come.

The Braves are also now the face of my theme problem.

With the exception of holidays, I’ve tried to avoid repeating themes for newsletters. As soon as the four LCS teams were decided, this practice was under direct threat. I wouldn’t have given a shit if my Boston Red Sox had managed to win it all — I would’ve taken joy in rubbing it in all of your faces just like I did in 2018. I also did a Houston theme when the Astros cheated their way to a piece of metal in 2017, but even if I hadn’t there was no way I would’ve honored those motherfuckers. Last year I did a Dodgers theme when they won the title, but was dreading doing another one if Los Angeles repeated. Finally, I also did an Atlanta-themed newsletter last year when I went to the city for Pat’s wedding. 

So… what do I do? Do I stop being stubborn and just give Atlanta another theme week? Of course not! I’ll just do what I usually do when I have work to do — play video games. 

There have been two video games I’ve been looking forward to playing since I came back from Italy. The first was Super Monkey Ball Banana Mania, a remake/collection of the first Super Monkey Ball games, which I have always enjoyed playing. The second was a game with a whole lot of history in a long-dormant franchise I’d never even tried.

Metroid Dread is the latest installment of the Metroid franchise, starring Samus Aran — intergalactic bounty hunter and badass. If you’re familiar with Samus, it’s likely for the same reason as me — you’ve played Samus in Super Smash Bros. But Samus and Metroid have contributed a lot to gaming history. The series’ style of gameplay — known as Metroid-vania (the Castlevania series does this as well) — involves re-exploring old areas after gaining new abilities and unlocking whole new parts of the game. The major reveal at the end of the original Metroid game in 1986 — that Samus was female — remains one of the biggest twists in video game history and cemented Samus as an icon for female gamers. The setting of the franchise — in space on various ships and alien worlds — has allowed Nintendo to go into unusually dark themes and create scary, memorable villains like the Metroids, Ridley, Mother Brain, Kraid, Dark Samus, and the X parasites. The music and themes have also been spectacular.

However, for a long time the franchise had been in a sort of standby state. The last original 2D game — Metroid Fusion — came out in 2002 and the last original 3D one — Metroid Prime 3: Corruption — was released in 2007. There was Metroid: Other M in 2010, but the vast majority of Metroid fans like that game as much as the 29 other MLB franchises like the Astros. Since then, there have only been two games — Metroid Prime: Federation Force (a spin-off that was pretty much as well-received as Other M) and Metroid: Samus Returns (a remake of the series’ second game, Metroid II: Return of Samus). Basically, for the past 15 years Metroid fans have gotten jack shit. Several years ago, Nintendo announced Metroid Prime 4, but the project has since been scrapped and restarted, with no timetable as to its official release. As for 2D games, more time had passed since the release of the Fusion than had passed between the release of the original Metroid and Fusion.

Ever since the mid-2000’s, rumors had spread of a new, fear-based 2D Metroid game, which was apparently called Dread. Samus would be hunted by an unknown enemy on an unfamiliar planet. Twice Nintendo tried to have Dread developed for the Nintendo DS, but Metroid producer Yoshio Sakamoto believed the technology of the time was too limited to properly execute his vision. The game was then thought to be in “development hell,” with rumors floating around every once in a while and the game frequently appearing on “games everyone wants but will never get” lists. Then this past June — seemingly out of nowhere — Nintendo’s E3 Direct included a trailer for Metroid 5 — the fifth 2D Metroid game. The title: Metroid Dread. At long last, the most mysterious Nintendo game ever was finally going to see the light of day. The hype was so great and the trailer looked so good that I got swept in and decided that I would finally pop my Metroid cherry by playing Dread.

I chose wisely. Holy fucking shit is Metroid Dread a phenomenal game. Even with no prior practice with playing a Metroid game, I loved nearly every second of it. The controls were easy enough to figure out and the movement was incredibly fluid. The combat was unique and I finally realized how cool the Metroid-vania style is. The game itself is beautiful — everything from the animations to the backgrounds to even the boss fights. The music was full of bangers. The game is also properly challenging — this isn’t your typical Nintendo hand-holding. After beating the game, I quickly checked to see if I was alone in my thoughts because I was a Metroid newb. Turns out, Metroid fans loved it even more, with most of them thrilled that their beloved franchise not only returned, but with an incredible game. In fact, many are ranking Dread alongside Super Metroid and Metroid Prime as the best games in the entire franchise. 

If you have a Switch and haven’t bought Metroid Dread, do it now. You won’t regret it. Of course, buy it after you’ve finished reading the newsletter.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (7-1) DEF. PLEASE GOD WIN (4-4)

107.76 – 100.32

Holy shit Kyle I feel your pain — I fucking hate the Kansas City Chiefs and could not believe you couldn’t get enough points from their biggest receiving threat to make the comeback. 49ers got off to a bad start with a mediocre day from Aaron Rodgers (more on him later), But a fantastic effort on the ground by Joe Mixon (21 points), Najee Harris (18 points), and Jonathan Taylor (18 points) put Gee back in command, even though guys like Terry McLaurin and Dalton Schultz failed to put Kyle away. Josh Allen (29 points), Chris Godwin (20 points), and Damien Harris (14 points) kept him in it, even though Zach Moss and the Chargers defense definitely left points on the board. Still, Kyle just had a 22-point margin to overcome on Monday Night, with three players left in the lineup. Darrell Williams (11 points) did his job, though Kadarius Toney did not. However, it was Travis Kelce of all people who put up a shocking goose egg, preventing Please God Win from living up to their name/request and allowing Gee to escape with the victory.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-4) DEF. C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-4)

92.66 – 88.80

Do my eyes deceive me — is that a SECOND, genuinely close game that was decided by single-digits? This league has truly been blessed and all it took were the vast majority of teams playing like utter shit. You can’t really blame The Krispy Kritters or C’s New Champ Team for their low scores though — Richard and Chriss just had to deal with the bad luck and survive the roller coaster that was last weekend. Richard got great production from A.J. Brown (21 points), but it’s another Tennessee Titan — Derrick Henry — that will give him grave concern for the rest of the season (more on that later). Tyler Boyd (14 points) and Randall Cobb (13 points) did enough to balance out a meh effort from Justin Herbert, but Rob Gronkowski’s sudden scratch and the Buccaneers defense’s poor performance left Richard vulnerable. Matt Stafford (24 points) and Robert Woods (17 points) did their part for Chriss, but the rest of the lineup (especially Emmanuel Sanders) fell flat. Dalvin Cook had a chance to get Chriss the win, but couldn’t do enough.

YEA BABY! (5-3) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-5)

119.68 – 100.20

In fantasy football, the name of the game is consistent production. You don’t need to be carried by two or three explosive players — if your roster is balanced, you can win any game you enter. Take Yea baby! and Gruden Grinders for example. Both did well as a whole, but Ariks was much more proficient in scoring. That’s despite Jimmy having the Top 2 highest-scoring players in this matchup. Ryan Tannehill (23 points) and Amari Cooper (18 points) balled out, while Devontae Booker (13 points) and the Seahawks defense (13 points) were great as well. But Jared Cook, James Ribonson, Matt Prater, and honestly Ezekiel Elliott were disappointing (there was also Michael Carter [23 points] being left on the bench, but we’ll talk about that later). Meanwhile, Arik’s best performers were Daniel Jones (17 points) and Deebo Samuel (17 points). But a whopping seven of Arik’s ten roster spots put up double-digits, while an eighth came damn close. The math doesn’t lie — the more double-digit scorers you have, the better your chance to win. 

DIXIE NORMOUS (7-1) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-5)

136.78 – 77.72

Then again, consistently putting up a fuck ton of points is always the best way to win at fantasy football. Dixie Normous seems to have figured out how to do that and is starting to pull away in the Race for Marshall. Nick had eight of his ten lineup spots finish in double-digits, with his lowest total from one position being seven points. Most teams would kill for that. Darrell Henderson (21 points), Austin Ekeler (18 points), Cooper Kupp (17 points), Tyreek HIll (15 points), and Nick Folk (15 points) all went off. Nick could’ve started an injured Dak Prescott over Mac Jones (the only disappointing part of the lineup) and still won by nearly 50 points. Granted, that point disparity was also because Footballdamus fell flat again — Michael Pittman (20 points) and D.K. Metcalf (16 points) aside. Riez didn’t even move Josh Jacobs from his lineup, which honestly didn’t matter given how the rest of his roster stunk. Oh and in case you were wondering, yes I am getting more pissed off about that 172-point display with each passing awful performance, Riez.

SLEEPING GIANTS (5-3) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-7)

96.40 – 66.76

Speaking of bad teams who for some vengeful fucking reason decided to have their best games of the season against me, has there been such a disappointing, Epic Bowl hangover-filled season by a defending champion as the one Jop Suey!!! is having right now? Nothing is going right for Taylor — not the trade for Kyler Murray, not George Kittle’s injury status, not players like Jerry Jeudy, Myles Gaskin, and Robby Anderson drastically underperforming. Now, Taylor’s also dealing with losing two WRs — one because he’s taking a much-deserved mental break from football (Calvin Ridley), one because he can’t get along with any team he plays for (Odell Beckham, Jr.). Taylor would be a shoe-in for the “bad luck” award this week if not for the fact that his team just sucks overall and these pieces of news are just cherries on top of a shit sundae of a season. Oh yeah don’t worry Dad I’ll talk about your team — Sleeping Giants survived another bad day from your husband Pat Mahomes and still managed to beat a Top 2 worst league team.

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (4-4) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-7)

82.70 – 66.64

How in the fucking hell did Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (Kyle isn’t the only one who can do a mid-season name change — try it out, Jimmy!) win? Oh right, I was playing Three Eyed Ravens. The season from hell continues for Ewing, who honestly had every chance to win this game if any other player besides Carson Wentz (20 points) and James Conner (14 points) did anything. DeVonta Smith, Devin Singletary, Allen Robinson, and the Browns defense all completely shit the bed, while Justin Jefferson’s awful performance Sunday Night all but cemented my victory. Ewing had better not give me any excuses that Lamar Jackson and Mark Andrews were out — I’ve been missing Saquin Barkley and David Montgomery for weeks. If Tom Brady (27 points) hadn’t gotten his shit together in the second half (fantasy-wise, anyway), I might’ve actually lost, given how terribly the rest of my team played. Thank god I was able to beat Ewing. If I had lost to both him and Dad in the same season, I might’ve jumped off a bridge or something.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (7-1)
2. 49ers (7-1)
3. Yea baby! (5-3)
4. Sleeping Giants (5-3)
5. The Krispy Kritters (4-4)
6. Please God Win (4-4)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (4-4)
8. C’s New Champ Team (4-4)
9. Gruden Grinders (3-5)
10. Footballdamus (3-5)
11. Jop Suey!!! (1-7)
12. Three Eyed Ravens (1-7)

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (1035.08)
2. 49ers (940.70)
3. Yea baby! (938.14)
4. The Krispy Kritters (895.84)
5. Please God Win (859.26)
6. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (858.50)
7. Sleeping Giants (857.12)
8. Gruden Grinders (850.74)
9. Footballdamus (845.46)
10. C’s New Champ Team (822.98)
11. Jop Suey!!! (702.80)
12. Three Eyed Ravens (683.70)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Before last weekend, Randall Cobb had scored more than three points exactly once and accumulated only 11 points in the other six combined weeks. But against the Cardinals of all teams, Cobb stepped up and put up 13 points. While it happened on a Thursday and overall wasn’t a lot compared to others, Cobb’s effort was enough to push Richard to a close victory.

WORST: When Kyle was imagining his potential comeback, he had to think he’d get at least seven points from Travis Kelce. But instead, Kelce put up arguably the worst performance of his career (he even fumbled) against a shitty Giants team. It’s usually a guarantee Kelce gets into double-digits. Now, we’re not so sure. Unfortunately for Kyle, he had to find out the hard way.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Given that Richard picked up Randall Cobb off waivers, I kind of have to give him this award as well. But Richard deserves this honor for another reason. He also dropped Matt Ryan in favor of Tyler Boyd, who put up a season-high 14 points. Richard basically did the same thing twice and it got him a win. There had better be some more major up Richard’s sleeves this year.

WORST: I’m starting to lose track of these trades, but from what I can gather Arik has given up Josh Allen, Christian McCaffrey, and Ryan Tannehill for Russell Wilson and Kenneth Gainwell? I don’t get that logic at all, but Arik’s winning so quite frankly who cares? BTW I was looking back at some of the earlier trades and I’m gonna have some HOT takes a few weeks from now.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: There wasn’t really a game-changing lineup decision that hasn’t been discussed already, so let’s give this one to someone dealing with a first world problem: which stellar QB do you start each week? Kyle has been able to pick between Josh Allen, Joe Burrow, and Ryan Tannehill smartly this season. Tannehill is gone and with Allen starting, Burrow has become juicy trade bait.

WORST: Even with hindsight, starting Michael Carter over James Robinson may not seem like the best decision. But I can’t look at the 32-point advantage Jimmy’s bench had and not think about “what if?”. Had Jimmy gone with Carter over Robinson, that would’ve resulted in a 19.70-point swing in his favor. Jimmy lost by 19.48 points. Those decisions can make or break seasons.

LUCK

BEST: I’ll be the first to admit that I got incredibly lucky by playing Ewing this past week — 2/3 of the league would’ve kicked my ass. I know what’s wrong with my team. There’s just not a lot I can do right now to fix it other than wait for people to heal up. But how many losses must I endure before my RB corps returns to greatness? Thanks to matchup luck, it’s one fewer than I thought.

WORST: Even though Richard won the battle, he may have just lost the war. Derrick Henry — the undisputed rushing king and NFL unicorn — may be out for the rest of the season, a blow that’s honestly more significant than the Christian McCaffrey or Saquon Barkley absences. With his best player sidelined, Richard may need to make a move to keep his championship hopes alive.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… shit.

I mean, that’s all we can kind of say at this point, right? This is straight up a shitty situation for all of those involved — chief among them the 23-year-old woman who lost her life and her grieving family dealing with unimaginable tragedy.

On Monday, Henry Ruggs was a young, improving NFL star with a bright future ahead of him. Less than 24 hours later, Ruggs had another person’s death on his hands, was no longer on an NFL roster, was facing multiple years in prison without being able to care for his young daughter, and had become the latest example of why you should never drive under the influence. We can safely assume Ruggs had no intention of crashing his car into another and killing someone. But goddamn man how can you be that fucking stupid? This is someone whose TD celebration honors a friend who died in a car crash in high school, whose teammate (Josh Jacobs) was involved in his own early morning crash earlier this year, who surely was lectured about the dangers of drunk driving upon entering the NFL (and could use several other former players as an example of what not to do), and who definitely had the ability to get wherever he wanted, no questions asked, 24/7. Still, despite all of those and other reasons to not drink and drive, Ruggs did what he did. I’ll never be in the shoes of a young, incredible athlete with riches beyond my wildest dreams. But I still can’t comprehend why Ruggs and others continue to make these completely unnecessary mistakes that destroy and end lives.

The loss of one life and ruin of another are obviously the most important pieces of this story. What we’re going to talk about now is nowhere near as valuable to human life. But because this is a football newsletter and this story does involve a football player, the football ramifications of what happened will be discussed.

While Ruggs wasn’t the best WR in the world, his speed and deep threat ability greatly expanded the Raiders offense and forced opposing defenses to respect the long ball. That whole part of the field has now been made more of a liability. Bryan Edwards and Zay Jones will need to step up, which I’m not entirely sure they can do. WR now becomes an immediate need in the offseason, with the Raiders pretty much needing to sign Davante Adams in free agency or spend the 1st round pick in next year’s draft (held, naturally, in Las Vegas). Speaking of the draft, Ruggs now becomes the latest member of the Raiders 1st round draft pick bust club, although in much different circumstances than the rest.

Imagine having your head coach resign mid-season due to a scandal involving racist, homophobic, mysogynistic emails… and that being the SECOND-WORST thing to happen to your team in the season. What the actual fuck, man?

At this point, no one knows what will happen to the Raiders? We’re back to exactly where we were after Jon Gruden’s resignation — dealing with a massive, unexpected controversy that led to the departure of a key figure in the locker room — except somehow worse. I can’t even imagine what the players must be going through right now. Both personally and schematically, this is a big blow to the team. If this season went down the tube, no one would be angry or looking to blame anyone on the roster or staff. If the Raiders can somehow pull themselves together — again — and respond to further adversity by winning and somehow making the playoffs? Keep everyone on this goddamn roster. Give Rich Bisaccia COTY honors. Build a fucking statue.

Ten games will determine how this season is remembered. Let’s look at the challenges ahead.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 TOUGHEST GAMES LEFT ON THE RAIDERS’ SCHEDULE

I did this last year and greatly underestimated the amount of collapsing the Raiders would do in the second half of the season. Hopefully I’m wrong.

10. WEEK 13 VS. WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM

Washington has to be one of the more disappointing teams in the league this season, especially given their downgrading performance on defense. The Football Team just lost to the Denver Broncos and nearly list to the New York Giants and Atlanta Falcons. Washington seems like the perfect barometer for teams — if you lose to them you’re truly shit and if you beat them you’re at the very least respectable. At this point I think the Raiders are at the very least respectable and should easily take care of Washington, especially at home (unless the collapse happens again).

9. WEEK 16 VS. DENVER BRONCOS

With the trade of Von Miller to the Los Angeles Rams, the Denver Broncos have officially given up on the season. The Raiders already beat the shit out them in Denver, so by the time the Broncos come to Allegiant Stadium in Week 16, all of the shit remaining in their system should be beaten out of them already. The only reason I rank them ahead of Washington is that AFC West battle should never be taken for granted and assuming a win over a divisional opponent is easy is foolish. I don’t care how terrible the Broncos are — the AFC West has seen some crazy shit. 

8. WEEK 9 @ NEW YORK GIANTS

While the expected move of not returning Saquon Barkley will definitely hurt my fantasy team, it will probably be the smartest thing for the New York Giants to do. If that means losing in the short term (especially given the already long list of injuries they’re dealing with), then so be it. Given that losing in the short term would also be beneficial for the Raiders, I’ll take it! What keeps the Giants above Washington and Denver is these rankings is that this game will be in New York. Early games on the East Coast have been thorns in the Raiders’ side for decades.

7. WEEK 15 @ CLEVELAND BROWNS

Going into the season, I would’ve had this game much higher on the list. But then the Cleveland Browns did what they’re best at — play below expectations and disappoint their fans. Injuries have also been a negative influence on the season, the Baker Mayfield and Nick Chubb not living up to their usual standard. Still, Cleveland has an incredible running game (which the Raiders have still struggled to defend against) as well as a highly respectable defense. I would typically also take away points due to Cleveland weather, but given the Raiders won the Graupel Game, I won’t.

6. WEEK 10 VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

What the hell is going on with the Kansas City Chiefs right now? Their previously terrifying offense is playing like absolute ass, especially Pat Mahomes. Unless the New York Giants defense is actually good, Monday Night’s performance is unacceptable for the ridiculously high standards ungrateful Chiefs fans have for their offense. With the way both teams are playing, the Raiders should be the favorites going into next week’s matchup. However, this Chiefs team is capable of flipping the switch at the drop of a hat, so I won’t be comfortable until the game’s over.

5. WEEK 11 VS. CINCINNATI BENGALS

If not for the Cincinnati Bengals, the Raiders might be the most surprisingly good team in the AFC. Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase are becoming the next Joe Montana and Jerry Rice, while the defense is stepping up big time against QBs not named Mike White. But there’s another reason for the Raiders to be fearful of this game: the Curse of Ruben. It’s time for the big reveal: I have been gifted tickets to the Raiders-Bengals game and will be attending my first ever contest at Allegiant Stadium! Knowing my luck, this is all the ammo the Raiders need to lose.

4. WEEK 17 @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

While last year’s loss to the Atlanta Falcons shocked me, it was the ass-whooping at the hands of the Indianapolis Colts that painted the picture of the Raiders’ inevitable downfall. That loss still haunts me — while this Colts team is different than last year’s, it still has plenty to be afraid of. Carson Wentz can throw a dumb INT as easy as a mega bomb, Jonathan Taylor is scary, and the defense can still create turnovers. Indianapolis has already beaten or at least hung with some good teams this year and could still be very well in the playoff discussion by Week 17.

3. WEEK 12 @ DALLAS COWBOYS

The Dallas Cowboys are by far the only NFC East team that’s actually good, which presents a whole list of problems for the Raiders. In addition to the whole facing a competent team thing, the Raiders will also be taking on Amari Cooper, who will be looking to have a statement game against his old team. Dak Prescott has returned to form and the Cowboys offense as a whole should give the Raiders defense fits all day. This is also a Thanksgiving game, something Dallas is used to dealing with, while the Raiders aren’t. Turkey Day could mean a lot of trouble.

2. WEEK 14 @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t trust that the Kansas City Chiefs are dead until they mathematically can’t win the Super Bowl any more. That’s especially true when the Raiders play at Arrowhead, which has become the place of nightmares in recent years (except for oddly last year, when a defeat to the Raiders in Kansas City was the Chiefs’ only regular season loss). Divisional games — especially ones on the road — always have the chance to see some crazy shit happen. While it’s not a December game, the November contest should also bring some nasty weather along.   

1. WEEK 18 VS. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS

While the Los Angeles Chargers have been playing like absolute shit as of late, when they have everything going their way, they’re terrifying. As the Raiders themselves found out a few weeks ago, Justin Herbert, Austin Ekeler, Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, and Jared Cook combine to form a terrifying offense. Joey Bosa anchors an improving defense that can hold most offenses down. The Chargers have dealt the Raiders by far their most decisive loss of the season and a potential AFC West title decider in the final week of the season will be an absolute nail-biter. 

STAT OF THE WEEK

In addition, the two QBs included in these records might be the most red headed QBs ever.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 4, 1934, an NFL record was set, one that has surprisingly not been surpassed to this day. 1934 was a year of major change for the Portsmouth Spartans, who moved to Detroit, changed their colors to baby blue and grey, and renamed themselves the Lions. The changes apparently did wonders for the team — in their first year as the Lions, they won their first ten games. The first seven of those victories were shutouts, but it was the eighth where history was made. While the Pittsburgh Pirates managed to put up seven whole points, they could not stop the Lions’ rushing game, which powered Detroit to a 40-7 win. Along the way, the Lions put up a whopping 426 total rushing yards, which remains an NFL single-game record for one team. Even considering the modern emphasis on passing, the fact that this record still stands nearly 90 years later is incredible. What’s not surprising is that 1934 also saw the first instances of the Lions choking. Despite the 10-0 start, Detroit finished runner-up in their division after losing their last three games (each by a field goal), including two in a row to the unbeaten Chicago Bears . Interestingly, the 426-yard total isn’t the most prolific rushing record set on November 4.

On November 4, 2007, Adrian Peterson broke an NFL record that was only four years old by the smallest of margins. That’s about as disparaging as I can be about one of the NFL’s most amazing performances. 2007 was Peterson’s rookie season, which was already turning heads. Just three weeks earlier, Peterson had rushed for a then-Minnesota Vikings record 224 yards and set an NFL rookie record with 361 all-purpose yards against the defending NFC champion Chicago Bears. That rushing record wouldn’t last long — Peterson absolutely ran over the San Diego Chargers three weeks later, finishing with 296 yards (on 30 carries) and three TDs in a 35-17 Vikings win. Amazingly, Peterson had just 44 yards at halftime, meaning the final 252 yards (on 16 carries) came in the second half. All of that was just enough to beat out Jamal Lewis (who rushed for 295 yards in a 2003 game) for the NFL single-game rushing record. In addition to that historic rushing mark, Peterson became the first rookie to rush for 200+ yards twice and (in going over 1,000 yards on the season) set a rookie rushing record with 1,036 yards in just eight games. While Peterson’s performance grabbed many headlines 15 years ago, it wasn’t even the biggest NFL news story that day.

On November 4, 2007, arguably the most anticipated NFL regular season matchup actually lived up to the hype. The year before, the Indianapolis Colts had defeated the New England Patriots in a wild AFC Championship Game en route to winning Super Bowl XLI. Going into the following season, both teams were seen as being a class above the rest of the league. Everyone was awaiting the teams’ Week 9 clash in Indianapolis. Both sides lived up to their end of the bargain, each entering the game unbeaten (the Patriots were 8-0 and the Colts were 7-0). This marked the latest into an NFL season two unbeaten teams had faced off. The Colts defense held strong in the first half, while Peyton Manning’s 73-yard TD pass to Joseph Addai just 13 seconds before halftime gave Indianapolis a 13-7 lead going into intermission. The Patriots cut the lead to 13-10 before a Manning rushing TD of all things put the Colts up by double-digits with fewer than ten minutes remaining. But then Tom Brady did what Tom Brady did a lot in 2007 — throw TDs. Scores by Wes Welker and Kevin Faulk were enough to give New England the 24-20 win in what many had dubbed “Super Bowl 41.5.” After the final whistle, everyone began looking forward to “Super Bowl 41.75” in the AFC title game. But the Colts were upset by the San Diego Chargers, who were dispatched by the Patriots. Two weeks later however, it was another Manning — Eli Manning — who helped end the then 18-0 Patriots’ unbeaten bid in the actual Super Bowl.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (7-1) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (5-3)

In this Top 4 battle, all eyes will be on the QB position. Dak Prescott should return from injury this weekend. But if he doesn’t, Dixie Normous could be exposed to Mac Jones again. For Sleeping Giants, Pat Mahomes has been strug-a-ling, but perhaps playing the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers can do him some good. It could also impact Dad in another way — Aaron Jones’ production — as well as Nick, who has the Packers defense. Nick has a hell of a lot of other weapons at his disposal, so Dad’s lineup must step it up big time for him to pull off the upset.

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (4-4) VS. YEA BABY! (5-3)

So let me get this straight — I’m still missing David Montgomery and Saquon Barkley (who just for another kick in the dick also tested positive for COVID-19), Corey Davis is likely out as well, and now the only reason I’ve been competitive this year (Tom Brady) is on a bye (as is D’Andre Swift)? Congrats on the free win, Arik. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell has been forced to call in the likes of Tua Tagovailoa, A.J. Dillon, and Van Jefferson to fill in the gaps. At least I won the Adrian Peterson sweepstakes? As long as Yea baby! takes care of business, that’ll be my only victory.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (4-4) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-5)

So how does the first game post-Derrick Henry injury look for the Krispy Kritters? In two words, not well. In addition to Henry, Richard will be without the services of Leonard Fournette, Tyler Lockett, Rob Gronkowski, and Noah Fant. This rough start could be exactly what Gruden Grinders need to snap out of their own funk. Having Darren Waller and the Raiders defense against the Giants should help Jimmy, but Ryan Tannehill is facing stiff competition. Ja’Marr Chase, Amari Cooper, Michael Carter, and Ezekiel Elliott will have to bring their A game.

C’S NEW CHAMP TEAM (4-4) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-5)

Both C’s New Champ Team and Footballdamus need this win like a… (I’ve already used too many metaphors about my dry spell)… like a fantasy football manager in charge of a slumping team needs a win (nailed it). Chriss may have the better outlook thanks to guys like Matt Stafford, Robert Woods, Dalvin Cook, Zach Ertz, DeAndre Hopkins, and Chase Edmonds. But if all of Riez’s roster plays up to their potential, there’s a chance for what according to the standings would be an upset. Josh Jacobs and Bryan Edwards are two of the biggest names to watch.

49ERS (7-1) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-7)

These two matchups are going to be ass-whoopings, so who cares? Now that I’ve officially been inducted into the Metroid fandom, I don’t know where I should go next. Metroid isn’t like The Legend of Zelda, which is basically the same story retold in different ways. Metroid has a story that progresses, so I’m gonna miss vital portions depending on what happens next. Then again, I was able to thoroughly enjoy Metroid Dread without knowing the plot. From my research, the two games I’ll likely go to next are Super Metroid and Metroid Prime, but either will take some work. 

PLEASE GOD WIN (4-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (1-7)

Meantime, I’m also considering some other franchises I had previously ignored. The first that comes to mind is Kirby, especially with Kirby and the Forgotten Land coming next year. But I may not want to wait that long and honestly Kirby is more of a game for Gabby. There’s always Star Fox, although I’m already a fan of one dead franchise in F-Zero. I could do a Mario spin-off, something like Donkey Kong or Wario. I could even go super crazy and get into something like Fire Emblem. Actually, forget Fire Emblem — I’m nowhere that much of a weeb to play that. 

ONE LAST THING

“Immunized,” huh?

The news of Aaron Rodgers’ positive COVID-19 test and subsequent revelations about his vaccination status may barely be 24 hours old, but the ramifications are only just beginning to be known, both on and off the field.

Let’s start with the immediate future — goodbye to any and all momentum the Green Bay Packers have built during their seven-game winning stream. Jordan Love is getting thrown to the wolves and try as he might, the Packers will likely falter. Given how crowded the top of the NFC is, one or two losses right now could prove painful come playoff seeding time. If Love somehow plays well and wills Green Bay to some wins (no way Rodgers is out just one game), then not only are the Packers definitely trading Rodgers in the offseason, but Rodgers could find himself Favred. If Love completely shits the bed, Green Bay will be shitting itself because the future will involve subpar QB play for the first time in nearly 30 years.

Then we have the off-field implications. There’s no way in hell the Packers didn’t know about Rodgers’ actual vaccination status. There’s also no way (especially given the events of the past offseason) they had the balls to tell Rodgers to follow proper protocol. How else would you explain Rodgers being allowed to ignore rules like wearing a mask when speaking to the media? There’s also no way the NFL didn’t know this was going on, but in order to save face there’s a great chance they come down hard on the Packers. Just how hard? On a scale of Dan Snyder to Jon Gruden, I’m leaning towards the former given how beloved Rodgers is to the league. Also, it’s unlikely Green Bay is the only team being a little bit lax with protocol (remember the chaos that unfolded last year, especially with the Las Vegas Raiders and Tennessee Titans?). 

Of course, things could be impacted by Rodgers himself not being so beloved anymore. There had been moments throughout his career — the whole family drama, certain comments some considered questionable, and even some stuff with Shailene Woodley/the mud eater — that made some people question Rodgers personally. But he’s been too good and too funny and too likeable and too much of a media personality to be hated. However, this may change things. When you can’t play due to not being vaccinated and trying to get the league to approve your idiotic alternative methods to be healthy, that changes things. Rodgers’ reputation is going to take a big hit, though not enough for people in the red state of Colorado to give a shit when he’s eventually traded to the Denver Broncos. Tom Brady may have his TB12 voodoo and Russell Wilson may have his concussion water, but Rodgers is now king of bullshit mountain.

Who’s more desperate about their new QB — Packers fans with Love or Gee with Taysom Hill? 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness