Ruben's Writings

Alright, time for another newsletter. Hold on — it’s a text from one of the guys…

“Hey Ruben, when’s the trade deadline?”

Not again…

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

When’s the trade deadline?

“Hey Ruben, when’s the–“

OH I’LL FUCKING TELL YOU WHEN IT IS!!!

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

You think you fuckers know how to shitpost? I’ll show you shitposting.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

DIXIE NORMOUS (9-1) DEF. 49ERS (8-2)

118.04 – 99.48

As it turns out, this year’s Epic Bowl preview went pretty much how last year’s Epic Bowl went — with 49ers getting their asses kicked. After appearing somewhat mortal the week before, Dixie Normous reminded everyone exactly why they’ve been the dominant force this season. Nick got a bounce back effort from Dak Prescott (26 points), a return to form from Tyreek Hill (20 points) courtesy of the Raiders defense, solid efforts from Mike Evans (12 points), Cooper Kupp (12 points), and Austin Ekeler (11 points), and an unexpected shutout from the Packers defense. While Nick’s lineup wasn’t perfect, it was more than enough to take down Gee’s lineup that, while not bad, didn’t live up to expectations. Aaron Rodgers had a rough return from his vaccine-less bought with COVID-19, while the majority of the back half of the roster was mediocre. Jonathan Taylor (18 points), Najee Harris (13 points), and Justin Jefferson (13 points) weren’t enough to overcome that. Honestly though, this loss isn’t the worst Gee could’ve had.

THREE EYED RAVENS (3-7) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-9)

142.12 – 87.54

Well the Toilet Bowl turned out to be Three Eyed Ravens ripping the toilet out of the floor and beating the shit out of Jop Suey!!! with it. Put it this way — Ewing got almost nothing from Le’Veon Bell and still topped 140 points for the second straight week. Seriously what the fuck has gotten into Ewing over the past two weeks? Since getting engaged Ewing’s guys have become the 1985 Bears mixed with the 1972 Dolphins. Production has also been coming from different sources — this past week it was Devin White (24 points), Rhamondre Stevenson (23 points), and DeVonta Smith (19 points). Even when Lamar Jackson is mediocre, he’s still one of the nine members of the lineup to finish with double-digit points. Taylor, meanwhile, would kill for that kind of scoring spree from his lineup. While Jackson was mediocre, he still outscored everyone on Taylor’s lineup, with only Taylor Heinicke and D’Ernest Johnson even coming close. This loss also means Taylor is on the verge of completing the ultimate fantasy football humiliation: first place to last.

PLEASE GOD WIN (5-5) DEF. YEA BABY! (6-4)

122.54 – 87.64

For the first time since the chaotic standings from the first few weeks, two members of the Top 3 tasted defeat. Footballdamus’ last loss came back in Week 3, when Arik started the season 0-3. It was a hell of a run, but Please God Win had to live up to its namesake. In order to do that, Arik’s lineup had to fall completely flat. Somehow, a 35-point loss isn’t reflective of how badly this loss was. Deebo Samuel (25 points) was by far Arik’s most productive player and he played on Monday. Russell Wilson, Cordarrelle Patterson, Alex Collins, and Mike Gesicki all fell flat. Kyle had none of those problems. Josh Allen (21 points) bounced back well, while Darrel Williams (20 points), Eric Kendricks (15 points), and Christian McCaffrey (17 points) all had terrific efforts. More importantly for Kyle, this win not only keeps him in the playoff hunt, but moves him up towards the top half of the standings. Meanwhile, for several weeks, Arik has been all by himself, just below the Top 2 in the standings. But, with this loss another team has crept up to reach a tie. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (6-4) DEF. WELL DAMN (4-6)

120.94 – 79.52

That team happens to be Sleeping Giants, who’ve been a sleeper team all season and may finally be reaping their reward. Dad pretty much had the best weekend out of all of us — not only did he get to watch his 49ers beat the shit out of the Rams in person, but he got to bask in beating the shit out of… well damn Chriss actually changed his name after all. Well Damn is a pretty apt description of how Chriss’ past few weeks have been. A 3-0 start has given way to six losses in the past seven weeks, including four in a row. Matthew Stafford has not been playing like an MVP lately, with goose eggs from T.Y. Hilton, Russell Gage, and T.J. Hockenson not exactly helping matters. In fact, Chriss was basically one incredible effort by the Cowboys defense (23 points) away from getting even more destroyed. Believe it or not, Dad didn’t exactly have a good effort, although Pat Mahomes (36 points) got back to his old self. If Mahomes gets back to his own MVP level, Dad may officially join the list of true contenders for the title.

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (5-5) DEF. GRUDEN GRINDERS (5-5)

96.40 – 93.98

Well goddamn that was a hell of a lot closer than it needed to be. Thanks a lot, Rams. Although honestly I could’ve prevented a lot of the drama simply by playing A.J. Dillon (24 points) over Adrian Peterson. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell desperately needed this win to stave off other teams — like Gruden Grinders — from taking playoff position. Unfortunately, Tom Brady didn’t do much for me, although Ryan Tannehill wasn’t much better for Jimmy. While Ezekiel Elliott (22 points) finally returned to form, so did Stefon Diggs (22 points), who was the only player in this matchup to surpass 20 points. Jimmy’s great rushing attack of Elliott, Michael Carter (14 points), and James Robinson (14 points) was countered out by Diggs, Hunter Henry (15 points), and D’Andre Swift (13 points). Of course I still almost lost despite being in the lead on Monday and Jimmy without and active players because the fucking Rams for some reason have a crippling weakness of all things 49ers. But a win is a win is a win — any one of those is valuable around this time.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-5)

58.32 – 45.20

Alright time for the last recap of the week… OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!? What kind of putrid, terrifying, inhuman, obscene, awful abomination of a matchup happened here? I can’t even use my usual “Everyone in this room is now dumber” reaction to this horrible display of fantasy football. That doesn’t describe what Footballdamus and the Krispy Kritters secreted onto our poor league. Remember when during the podcast I talked about the lowest-scoring games in league history? Turns out, we only had to wait a few weeks. Riez and Richard just put up the lowest-scoring matchup the Epic League has ever seen — only 103.52 combined points — when both teams score. Once in 2012 one guy forgot to set his lineup. Even then, the other team put up 97 points — only six fewer than Riez and Richard combined. This season, every one of us (even Taylor) has individually put up more than 103.52 points at least once. I truly wish I could award both teams losses for this. Get this matchup out of my sight — I need some eye bleach.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Yep.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Dixie Normous (9-1)*
2. 49ers (8-2)
3. Yea baby! (6-4)
4. Sleeping Giants (6-4)
5. Please God Win (5-5)
6. The Krispy Kriters (5-5)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (5-5)
8. Footballdamus (5-5)
9. Well Damn (4-6)
10. Gruden Grinders (3-7)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (3-7)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-9)

* = clinched playoff spot

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. Dixie Normous (1239.00)
2. 49ers (1161.56)
3. Yea baby! (1112.58)
4. Please God Win (1056.86)
5. Sleeping Giants (1044.10)
6. The Krispy Kritters (1033.58)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (1033.56)
8. Gruden Grinders (1028.44)
9. Footballdamus (1012.66)
10. Well Damn (983.96)
11. Three Eyed Ravens (972.26)
12. Jop Suey!!! (864.34)

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Why am I doing this?

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: It’s not just that Ewing has unexpectedly won two games in a row while topping 140 points each time. It’s that he’s gotten these dominating victories with help from all of his lineup. This past week, it was Devin White and Rhamondre Stevenson of all people who led Ewing in scoring. I didn’t think I’d be writing this two weeks ago, but Ewing somehow isn’t out of the playoff hunt.

WORST: I’m still pissed at Riez and Richard. I don’t exaggerate when I say that their matchup was objectively the worst in Epic League history. Combined, their rosters only produced two players who finished with double-digit point totals — Jalen Hurts and Justin Herbert. 13 of those 20 roster spots finished with fewer than five points. Both of you, think about what you’ve done.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Of those two players who led Ewing’s charge, one of them wasn’t on his roster until the day of his 23-point performance. Rhamondre Stevenson was a last-minute replacement for Julio Jones, who continues to deal with injury problems. This late move may end up being a blessing in disguise for Ewing, as Stevenson is part of a Patriots team that, like his own, is fighting back.

WORST: Taylor dropping Jeff Wilson for Taylor Heinicke doesn’t seem like the worst move ever. He needed a QB with Kyler Murray out again, Heinicke was solid, and none of it mattered when Ewing kicked Taylor’s ass. But in dropping Wilson, Taylor unknowingly lost out on potential points if Elijah Mitchell is unable to play with a broken finger. It’s too late — Gee scooped Wilson up.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: In what world is keeping Pat Mahomes in the starting lineup even a question? With the way Mahomes had been playing, it was actually a question some — even Dad — had been asking. Dad even stocked up on some backup QBs — Cam Newton and Baker Mayfield. But then Dad remembered Mahomes was playing the Raiders and didn’t do anything dumb, profiting greatly.

WORST: Even though I managed to get the win, it was in spite of my own dumbassness. I bit hard on Adrian Peterson, who didn’t do shit after getting bailed out with a late TD last week. As a result, A.J. Dillion and his 24 points were left on the bench, which turned out to make what should have been an easy victory turn into a nail-biter. I will not let the Quadfather down a second time.

LUCK

BEST: Lost within a dominant performance are a few plays where Gee could’ve turned things around against Nick. For example, Pat Mahomes could’ve been picked off multiple times, wiping away chances for Tyreek Hill to score. Of course, there’s Aaron Rodgers failing to score a higher total than his jersey number, which rarely happens. Nick did well, but dodged a few bullets, too.

WORST: What has happened to such a promising season for Chriss? It’s been dick punch after dick punch, especially this past week. First, Robert Woods is lost for the season with a torn ACL. Then, Woods’ replacement — T.Y. Hilton — is one of THREE players to finish with a goose egg. That, combined with a slumping Matt Stafford, doomed Chriss to a fourth consecutive defeat.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… this fucking team.

Yes I kept that from last week. It will remain until no longer relevant.

The thing about this hellspawn of a season is that I can’t tell if the Raiders are collapsing due to the whole Jon Gruden, Henry Ruggs, and Damon Arnette controversies or simply because that’s what they’ve done over the past two years. Las Vegas has become the team which allows opponents to become revitalised. Take Kansas City for example — the Chiefs offense is stagnant and their defense has the tensile strength of tissue paper? Just play the Raiders — Pat Mahomes will turn into God and throw for all of the TDs and no INTs, even though the Raiders have their hands on like four passes. You don’t have to respect the defense — go for it on 4th down as much as you want and convert every time (even on a fake punt). We’ll even throw in an arm punt from Derek Carr and a whatever the fuck that was from DeSean Jackson. 

The most embarrassing play I’ve ever seen the Raiders make is actually from the one Raiders game I’ve ever attended. During the 2014 home opener against the Houston Texans, James Jones caught a 26-yard pass before being hit and fumbling the ball. Jones managed to pick the ball back up and run another 15 yards before being hit and fumbling again, with the ball being picked up by the Texans this time. I had not seen another play as emblematic of the Raiders until the Jackson fumble — fucking up a potentially huge step forward by doing dumb shit.

So this is the Raiders team I get to watch in just my second in-person Raiders game ever, as well as my first since the move to Las Vegas. I get to watch my team’s third straight collapse back beneath .500 until God knows when. Please just give me one bright moment in the miserable season. I can’t get up at 4 a.m. twice in a row for this shit.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

The Raiders have made some truly shitty trades in their time, most recently the whole Antonio Brown fiasco. That gives me an excuse to share this video.  

STAT OF THE WEEK

If you need a lesson in perseverance, there’s no better player to learn from than Jakobi Meyers.

Lost in New England’s blowout win over the Cleveland Browns was what happened during the Patriots’ final TD — an 11-yard pass from Brian Hoyer to Meyers. For Meyers, that catch and run ended the biggest blue balls run in NFL history. Meyers has been in the NFL since 2019 and been a consistent, reliable target for the Patriots since then. However, for some reason he could never find the end zone. Before that 4th quarter pass on Sunday, Meyers had made 134 receptions and for 1,560 yards — both records to begin a career without scoring a TD. He even threw for two TDs last year, but had yet to catch one in the endzone. That finally changed on Sunday and explains why the entire Patriots sideline went apeshit over a garbage time score. 

There’s a self-deprecating joke to be made in comparison to Meyers involving blue balls and myself, but frankly I’m too sad to find the connection.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Now I know what you might be thinking — because the NFL trade deadline happens earlier in the year , surely there won’t be a trade anniversary I can meme into the next section. You underestimate my power!

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN WORLD HISTORY:

On November 18, 1993, the House of Representatives approved the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA). The creation of a North American free trade zone began in 1988, when the leaders of the United States and Canada signed the Canada-United States Free Trade Agreement (CUSFTA) and began the phasing out of several trade restrictions between the two countries. Almost immediately after, discussions began to include Mexico in this great continental trade bloc that would promote economic growth by easing the movement of goods between the three countries and create millions of new jobs. After several years, officials from all three governments were able to hammer out a deal that would become known as NAFTA and submit it to their respective capitals in late 1992. But there was significant opposition to NAFTA, particularly in the U.S. However, the deal won out — the U.S. Senate passed the bill just days after a similarly close vote in the house, while things went a bit smoother in Canada and Mexico. All three heads of state signed NAFTA into law in 1993, with changes taking effect in 1994. For the next 26 years, NAFTA guided one of the largest trade blocs in the world when it comes to gross domestic product. However, wanting to put his name on something that seemed large in scale, then-President Donald Trump led negotiations for a replacement for NAFTA. In 2018, the three countries reached a deal on the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement (USMCA), which went into law in 2020 and replaced NAFTA. However, the USMCA involved only small changes and is sometimes referred to as “NAFTA 2.0.” Now before you do some fact-checking, know that different sources say the House’s approval came on either the 17th or 18th (my theory is that it happened after midnight on the East Coast). However, I could have focused on then-President Ronald Reagan’s speech on the 25th anniversary of the U.S. Trade Representative Office, which was made on November 18, 1987. I was getting my trade meme in either way. Anyway, back to football!

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

Today marks the anniversary of two of the most gruesome injuries not just in NFL history, but the history of sports. On November 18, 1985, Joe Theismann’s playing career ended in a snap (too soon?). Theismann’s Washington Redskins were hosting the rival New York Giants on Monday Night Football, with both teams thick in the playoff race. With the game tied 7-7 in the 2nd quarter, Washington called a flea-flicker, with Theismann handing the ball off to John Riggins, who lateralled it back to Theismann. However, the Giants defense saw through it, with Lawrence Taylor getting to Theismann. As Taylor pulled the QB down, his knee drove straight into Theismann’s lower right leg, fracturing his tibia and fibula. Taylor saw Theismman’s leg and immediately waved over to Washington’s sideline for the trainers. Despite the graphic nature of the injury, ABC kept showing replays of what happened, a decision that remains one of the most controversial ever in an NFL broadcast. The compound fracture led to insufficient bone growth, with Theissman’s right leg now shorter than his left. Theissman was forced to retire, although he still remained active in football. On November 18, 2018 — 33 years to the day after his injury — Theismann was in attendance for Washington’s home game against the Houston Texans (another matchup of playoff hopefuls) when history repeated itself. Midway through the 3rd quarter, J.J. Watt and Kareem Jackson brought down Alex Smith, snapping Smith’s right tibia and fibula in the process. Unlike Theismann, Smith’s immediate post-injury time was serious. After initial surgery, Smith developed life-threatening necrotizing fasciitis that resulted in sepsis. Amputation was heavily discussed until doctors ultimately performed skin grafts and transferred muscle from his left quadriceps to save it. Over the next nine months, Smith would undergo 17 surgeries — including eight debridements — over four separate hospital stays. Smith would wear an external fixation device for nearly a year. However, also unlike Theismann, Smith would unbelievably play football again, taking the field in 2020 and helping lead Washington to the NFC East title. Smith obviously won Comeback Player of the Year (the award should be named after him at this point) before retiring this past offseason. Naturally, people have compared Theismann and Smith’s injuries, noting several uncanny similarities between the two. Whoever is playing QB for Washington on November 18, 2051 should probably be placed in bubble wrap.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Basically…

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MOST IMPACTFUL MID-SEASON NFL TRADES

While I can’t quite rate each trade in our league just yet (because the season isn’t over and — as I’ve pointed out — the trade deadline hasn’t passed yet), I can say this year’s NFL trade deadline sucked. Very few notable names changed teams (the biggest — Odell Beckham Jr., DeSean Jackson, etc. — were releases/signings). The most notable player many thought would be traded — Deshaun Watson — stayed put, perhaps because of the nearly two dozen sexual assault allegations against him. By far the biggest name actually traded was Von Miller, sent to the Los Angeles Rams for a 2nd round draft pick and a 3rd round pick. Miller (and OBJ) represent the modern day Rams philosophy of “fuck draft picks, just get big names,” which they hope will lead them to a Super Bowl win (a task made more difficult with the loss of Robert Woods).

The Rams are far from the first team to make a mid-season trade in order to improve their championship chances. But more often than not, those kinds of transactions don’t work out. Either the impact wasn’t as great as expected or the move completely backfires. Other times it does work out and that team gets the extra piece they need. Other times it’s the team that traded away a big name that walks away more improved, using the acquired draft capital to rebuild their roster. These are the mid-season trades that most impacted each team involved — for better or worse — whether or not those teams accomplished their goals.

HONORABLE MENTION: JALEN RAMSEY

One of the best DBs in the NFL today, Jalen Ramsey has become the symbol of two different eras in two different franchises. Once the star of the Jacksonville Jaguars’ incredible defense, Ramsey essentially refused to play once the Jaguars regressed, with Jacksonville eventually sending Ramsey to the Los Angeles Rams for two 1st round draft picks and a 4th round pick in 2019. The Jaguars have been terrible ever since, with Ramsey a reminder of what could have been. Ramsey is also emblematic of the Rams’ strategy of trading picks for superstar players.

HONORABLE MENTION: KYLE VAN NOY/JAY AJAYI

Looking to bolster their defense in 2016, the New England Patriots sent a 6th round draft pick to the Detroit Lions in exchange for LB Kyle Van Noy and a 7th round pick. Van Noy went from little-known player to defensive standout in New England, becoming a cornerstone of a Patriots team that went to three straight Super Bowls, winning two of them. It would’ve been a clean sweep if not for the Philadelphia Eagles, who sent a 4th round pick to the Miami Dolphins for RB Jay Ajayi. Ajayi gave the Eagles’ running game an extra edge, which proved key to winning Super Bowl LII.

10. BOOGER MCFARLAND

Before becoming a meme by introducing the “Booger Mobile” and being an awful broadcaster, Anthony “Booger” McFarland was actually a pretty good player. Drafted by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1999, McFarland starred as a DT for nearly eight seasons, winning a Super Bowl during his time in Tampa Bay. However, in 2006 the Indianapolis Colts — led by Tony Dungy (who was Tampa Bay’s coach when McFarland was drafted) — needed defensive line help badly. The Colts ranked last in run defense and had just lost DT Corey Simon to a season-ending injury. So, Indianapolis sent the Buccaneers a 2nd round pick in exchange for McFarland. Although the Colts’ run defense didn’t improve in the regular season, McFarland helped them flip a switch in the playoffs. None of the Colts’ first three postseason opponents finished with triple-digit yards rushing. In Super Bowl XLI, McFarland finished with a sack as Indianapolis beat the Chicago Bears 29-17. Fun fact: Tampa Bay used that 2nd rounder on WWE wrestler Tino Sabbatelli.

9. ROY WILLIAMS

With a terrible season underway in Detroit and the presence of Calvin Johnson making him expendable, Roy Williams found a new home in Dallas midway through the 2008 season. The Cowboys had been trying to get the Pro Bowl WR for years, finally completing the deal by sending the Lions a 1st, 3rd, and 6th round draft pick. Dallas thought they had acquired another No. 1 WR, pairing Williams with Terrell Owens. In addition, Roy Williams joined Roy Williams (the SS) as players with identical names on the same team. However, for a multitude of reasons, Williams the WR never had the same success with the Cowboys as he had with the Lions. Dallas would fail to make the postseason that year and only won one playoff game with Williams on the roster before his release in 2011. Meanwhile, the 0-16 Lions would take Matthew Stafford first overall in the 2009 draft, before spending the 1st round pick they got from the Cowboys on Brandon Pettigrew. Stafford and Pettigrew would become key members of Detroit’s rebuild. 

8. JIMMY GAROPPOLO

Four years ago, the San Francisco 49ers set the NFL ablaze by sending a 2nd round draft pick to the New England Patriots for Jimmy Garoppolo. While everyone thought Garoppolo would eventually take the reins from Tom Brady in New England, he instead got the chance to shine in San Francisco, turning a lost 2017 season into one that sparked promise by winning all five of his games as a starter. The following year, a cold bucket of water was poured on the fiery hype when Garoppolo tore his ACL in Week 3. But he returned strong in 2019 to lead the 49ers to a 13-3 record and a Super Bowl appearance. However, San Francisco was actually being led by a tremendous run game and Garoppolo was seen as more of a game manager. Since then, Garoppolo has been injured and inconsistent, so much so that the 49ers drafted Garoppolo’s presumed successor, Trey Lance, this year. By the way, the Patriots traded the pick they got to the Detroit Lions, who took Kerryon Johnson one spot before the 49ers drafted Dante Pettis. 

7. CARSON PALMER

Sigh… yeah we have to talk about Carson Palmer. Once the star QB of the Cincinnati Bengals, Palmer had requested a trade following the 2010 season, citing the fact that he was sick of losing and even threatening to retire if his demands weren’t met. But the Bengals, who started 2011 6-2 under Andy Dalton (Palmer’s replacement), had little reason to listen to him and simply waited for some poor sap to make them an offer. That fool turned out to be Hue Jackson, who had been making key decisions for the Oakland Raiders since Al Davis’ death ten days earlier. Oakland, who had just lost Jason Campbell for the season, sent Cincinnati a 1st round draft pick and a conditional 2nd round pick for Palmer. The Bengals used those picks on Dre Kirkpatrick and Gio Bernard, bolstering a consistent playoff-caliber roster. Palmer meanwhile would revitalize his career and win a playoff game… with the Cardinals. Palmer never found consistency or success with the Raiders, who shipped him to Arizona for late round picks that didn’t amount to much.

6. MARSHAWN LYNCH

After starting his first two years in the NFL strong, Marshawn Lynch had seen his numbers decline in 2009 and the first part of 2010. He had also run into some minor trouble with the law during his time in Buffalo. It seemed Lynch needed a change of scenery, which was made after the Seahawks came calling. Seattle sent the Bills a 4th round draft pick and a conditional pick that became a 5th rounder. Buffalo didn’t do much with those two picks, which was expected. But no one could have foreseen what a phenomenon Lynch would turn into in Seattle. While the Seahawks finished just 7-9 in 2010, it was good enough to win the NFC West. In his first playoff game, all Lynch did was record arguably the greatest run in NFL history — the Beast Quake. That was just the beginning — Lynch would be a fixture in Seattle for several years, helping the Seahawks win Super Bowl XLVIII and reach the following title game, all while being impossible to tackle and creating endless memes. This was a true franchise-altering trade for Seattle.

5. BOBBY LAYNE

Have you ever wondered why the Detroit Lions are the sad sack of a franchise they are? Look no further than Bobby Layne. At the time, Layne was perhaps the best player to have ever suited up for the Lions, who won the NFL Championship in 1952, 1953, and 1957. That last year, Layne broke his leg in the second-to-last game, with backup QB Tobin Rote stepping up to help Detroit win the title. Perhaps thinking they had the next big thing at QB, the Lions shipped Layne to the Pittsburgh Steelers after just two games in 1958 in exchange for Earl Morrall (who had arguably the most interesting career in NFL history) and two draft picks. Layne played well in Pittsburgh, but never took a snap in the playoffs again. However, the most notorious impact was on the Lions. Upon being traded, Layne allegedly said the Lions would “not win for 50 years.” Detroit has won just one playoff game since and in 2008 (the 50th year) went 0-16. That same year, the Steelers won their second Super Bowl in four years, with the previous victory coming in Detroit.

4. JOHN HADL

Get ready to learn about the worst NFL trade you’ve never heard of before. After a lengthy spell with the San Diego Chargers, QB John Hadl experienced a resurgence after being traded to the Los Angeles Rams in 1973. Less than halfway through the following season, the Rams got a call from the Green Bay Packers, who were 3-3 (one of those wins coming against Los Angeles) and looking for a spark. Packers coach Dan Devine believed they needed a veteran QB and offered a treasure trove of draft picks — two 1st rounders, two 2nd rounders, and a 3rd rounder — for Hadl. Even Hadl himself was surprised, saying, “I really didn’t believe it… I didn’t think anyone would be that desperate.” The Rams, of course, accepted. Green Bay finished the year just 6-8, Devine left in the offseason, and Hadl (who threw just nine TDs to 29 INTs as a Packer) lasted just one more year. Los Angeles meanwhile used those picks to load up a roster that dominated the NFC West for the remainder of the decade and reached Super Bowl XIV.

3. ERIC DICKERSON

Now for the insane trade involving the Los Angeles Rams that everyone knows about. After Eric Dickerson balled the fuck out over his first four seasons, the Rams offered him a contract extension he found insluting. So he began to sulk and his performance slumped, forcing Los Angeles to shop him around during the strike-shortened 1987 season. At the same time, the Indianapolis Colts had gone just 12-36 since moving from Baltimore and needed something to energize the franchise. So the Colts put an offer together for Dickerson that was so complex, a third team — the Buffalo Bills — got involved. Incredibly, this ten-player trade can be argued as an ultra rare win-win-win for all involved. Dickerson saved the Colts’ season, powering them to the AFC East title and injecting new life into Indianapolis. The Rams — who received two players and six draft picks — retooled and made the playoffs the next two seasons. Even the Bills did well, receiving LB Cornelius Bennett, who would be a key member of their 1990’s squads.

2. MIKE HAYNES

Let’s flash back to 1983, when the Raiders were not only based out of Los Angeles, but were also good and made good personnel decisions. Despite a promising start, the Raiders needed some defensive help. So they went after Mike Haynes — a star CB for the New England Patriots who wanted out and had been effectively holding out all year. Haynes had also sued the league to go to a new team. To resolve the lawsuit, the Patriots accepted a 1st round draft pick and a 3rd round pick from the Raiders in exchange for Haynes’ rights. Haynes immediately paired with Lester Hayes to form arguably the greatest CB tandem in NFL history, reigniting the Raiders’ season, which ended with them winning Super Bowl XVIII (Haynes recorded an INT, two pass breakups, and a tackle in that game). New England meanwhile did get some good out of the deal. The picks given to them by Los Angeles were used to move up and draft Irving Fryar. Just two years after the trade, the Patriots found themselves in the franchise’s first ever Super Bowl.   

1. HERSCHEL WALKER

Of course it had to be the Herschel Walker trade — not only is it still the largest trade in NFL history in terms of players, but it has its own Wikipedia page. About a third of the way through the 1989 season, the winless Dallas Cowboys believed only a blockbuster trade could get them the draft picks needed to turn the franchise around. The only player capable of getting a big return was Walker, arguably the best RB in football at the time. The Minnesota Vikings believed they were just a RB away from a Super Bowl run and entered negotiations with Dallas. A third team (the San Diego Chargers) had to get involved for it to work. But in the end, Walker and a few picks were sent to the Vikings in exchange for four players and a plethora of better picks. While Minnesota’s Super Bowl run never materialized, Dallas either used or moved their picks to select players like Emmit Smith, Russell Marylnd, Darren Woodson, Clayton Holmes, and Kevin Smith — all key contributors to the Cowboys’ three Super Bowl wins in the 1990’s.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (9-1) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (3-7)

Normally, a battle between the first place team and the second-to-last place team wouldn’t be the first preview I’d go into. But even with Dixie Normous remaining on top of the standings, Three Eyed Ravens has been the best team over the past couple of weeks and with another great performance could pull off the upset. Nick will be slightly weakened this week with the loss of Cooper Kupp and Darrell Henderson, while Dak Prescott is facing a streaking Chiefs squad. Ewing needs Lamar Jackson to actually come through to keep his remarkable comeback going.

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (5-5) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-5)

This matchup could play a huge role in the playoff picture. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell and the Krispy Kritters are separated by literally just .02 points in the standings and 6-5 sounds a hell of a lot safer than 5-6 regarding playoff position. But there won’t be any drama — I know exactly what’s going to happen. It’s the same thing that happened when I got 172 points thrown at me by Riez and became the one win on Taylor’s record. No matter how shitty my opponents play before, they turn it up for me. Richard (who scored just 45 points last week) will simply add to that pattern.

SLEEPING GIANTS (6-4) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (5-5)

Believe it or not this is the only other matchup (along with the one above) between two teams currently in the playoffs this week. But if other pieces fall into place, Footballdamus could find themselves on the outside looking in next week. Sleeping Giants meanwhile can’t afford to lose any ground in their pursuit of the No. 3 seed. A big question for Dad will be the health of Elijah Mitchell and whether or not Pat Mahomes’ performance was just a benefit of playing the Raiders. Riez meanwhile needs Josh Jacobs to get his shit together to have a fighting chance.

49ERS (8-2) VS. WELL DAMN (4-6)

Well Damn is a pretty apt new name given how Chriss’ season has gone over the past couple of months. But despite his slump, Chriss is still within striking distance of a playoff spot. Sadly for him, his next opponent is a pissed off 49ers squad looking to rebound from a rare loss. Aaron Rodgers is also looking to rebound against the Vikings, who could also give Gee a boost with a good performance by Justin Jefferson. Gee’s Buccaneers defense could play a huge factor in deciding this matchup, since with Matt Stafford on a bye Chriss is turning to Daniel Jones.

PLEASE GOD WIN (5-5) VS. GRUDEN GRINDERS (3-7)

Despite consistently putting up solid if not spectacular numbers, Gruden Grinders have been dealt some overall bad luck this season. Now, Jimmy is not only seeing his playoff hopes fade, but is in danger of falling behind Ewing in the standings. Unfortunately for Jimmy, he’s facing a Please God Win squad that may finally be assembling its doomsday machine. Josh Allen, Chris Godwin, Davante Adams, Christian McCaffrey, Travis Kelce, and the Chargers defense are all in position to score a shit ton of points for Kyle. Jimmy’s playoff hopes are wavering as we speak. 

YEA BABY! (6-4) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-9)

You know how this all started, don’t you? Several years ago one of you couldn’t make a trade because the deadline had passed and got mad at me for not letting them know when it was. So I began reminding you all each week as the deadline got closer, only for “when’s the trade deadline?” to be mockingly turned on its head and agonizingly spewed at me. Now I must kill the meme the only way I know how — by beating it into the ground so far we reach the Earth’s core. From now on, remember: I’m not your mother. Keep track of the trade deadline yourself.

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

This kind of shitposting takes a lot of work, but…

ONE LAST THING

Remember when the Sacramento Kings played in the Power Balance Pavillion, which was rightfully ridiculed as one the dumbest venue names in all of sports? Well all those laker fans who made fun of us are now about to eat crow tenfold.

In case you missed it, Singapore-based cryptocurrency website Crypto.com has agreed to take over naming rights to the Staples Center in Downtown Los Angeles. For a reported $700M, one of the most iconic venues in sports will be renamed the Crypto.com Arena starting on Christmas. Regardless of your thoughts on the lakers or cryptocurrency in general, we can agree this is one of the stupidest fucking names for a sporting venue in history. The fact that it’s also happening to a legendary venue in one of the biggest cities in the country is even more insane. But while it’s the newest and now biggest example of stupid names, it’s far from the first example of shedding history and dignity for the almighty dollar.

Long gone is the era of names that are short, sweet, and actually mean something to the history of the city/team besides the corporation with the most money to spend. Madison Square Garden, Fenway Park, Lambeau Field, and the Rose Bowl are a few examples remaining from the times of places like the Boston Garden, The Forum, the Astrodome, and even Yankee Stadium (the new Yankee Stadium is a corporate shithole). Now the vast majority of venue names are corporate sponsors who while not terrible don’t exactly inspire the same magic as Wrigley Field.

But then there are names so terrible that Crypto.com arena might not even be the worst upon its christening. Guaranteed Rate Field (Chicago White Sox) comes to mind, as does the Smoothie King Center (New Orleans Pelicans), LoanDepot Park (Miami Marlins), Climate Pledge Arena (Seattle Kraken), and Ball Arena (Denver Nuggets/Colorado Avalanche). There’s even a cryptocurrency name in existence —  FTX Arena, home of the Miami Heat. But the real cream of the crop comes up in MLS, with names like Exploria Stadium (Orlando City), TQL Stadium (FC Cincinnati), and DRV PNK Stadium (Inter Miami). However, the undisputed worst venue name in the top leagues of North American pro sports has to belong to the Columbus Crew’s new home, one which replaced an iconic soccer stadium (the first specifically made for soccer in the U.S. and the de-facto home of the U.S. Men’s National Team) and whose existence is the main reason the Crew are still in Columbus. Gentlemen, I give you: Lower.com Field. It’s fucking awful, right? Not even Crypto.com Arena is as bad as that.

The sad part is, while there are seemingly just as many iconic names (Soldier Field, Dodger Stadium, Arrowhead Stadium) as dumb ones (PPG Paints Arena, TIAA Bank Field, Footprint Center), the vast majority of them are just boring. Progressive Field, SAP Center, Levi’s Stadium, Chase Center, Minute Maid Park, State Farm Stadium, and even Golden 1 Center are all your basic, fill in the blank corporate names. Take a look at Little Caesars Arena — the relatively new home of the Detroit Pistons and Red Wings that replaced two iconic and awesome-named venues — the Palace of Auburn Hills and Joe Louis Arena. Even the iconic names like Staples Center have only become that way because of the teams who play there, not the name itself. We’re not going to the Palace or the Garden or the Forum to watch a game — we’re going to Crypto.com Arena. I guess this sort of change was inevitable, but it’s sad nonetheless.

At least we have another way to make fun of the lakers.

Oh yeah and one more thing…

ATTENTION, MORONS!!!

WE ARE TWO DAYS AWAY FROM THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHICH IS NOVEMBER 20TH. I REPEAT: THE TRADE DEADLINE IS SATURDAY! DO YOUR STUPID TRADES BY THEN AND DON’T BITCH THAT I’M NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THE DEADLINE! 

Fuck you all and your trade deadline spam.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness