Ruben's Writings

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! In between bites of turkey and glances at the football games on TV, be sure to acknowledge the people and things you’re thankful for. They won’t always be there. Thanks to you all for another promising season — let’s finish strong! By that, I mean please oh please let me end up making the playoffs.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

49ERS (9-2) DEF. WELL DAMN (4-7)

189.10 – 98.78

Things 49ers are thankful for:

• The all-time Epic League scoring record wasn’t actually 190.00
• Jonathan Taylor exists and is basically God
• Aaron Rodgers remembered how to throw the football
• Justin Jefferson cannot be covered
• Thanks to the result below, Gee is back in first place
• You cannot legally be charged with murder in a fantasy football matchup

Things Well Damn are thankful for:

• Three players scored 19 points or more
• The Daniel Jones decision wasn’t the reason Chriss lost
• They have a VERY appropriate name
• They’re technically still alive in the playoff hunt
• Ewing has to slow down eventually, right?
• I’m probably gonna fuck up, so as long as they win they have a shot

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-7) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (9-2)

125.84 – 99.24

Things Three Eyed Ravens are thankful for:

• A strong second half of the season can overcome a rough first half
• The Patriots have made the Falcons their bitch
• Joe Mixon played the Raiders
• Chase Edmonds has not been missed
• Maybe the pain of losing to me actually motivated Ewing to go on a revenge tour
• The whole getting engaged thing

Things Dixie Normous is thankful for:

• Nick isn’t behind first place by a lot
• They’re still going to the playoffs
• Austin Ekeler prevented this from being embarrassing
• The Chiefs continue to roll, which is good news for Tyreek Hill
• Dak Prescott playing that poorly meant the Cowboys lost
• Has the chance to redeem themselves against another contender

YEA BABY! (7-4) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-10)

91.22 – 75.46

Things Yea baby! is thankful for:

• Won the battle of teams with exclamation points in their names
• Managed to win without Alvin Kamara and Cordarrelle Patterson
• Made the right decision to start Tua Tagovailoa over Russell Wilson
• Arik is back in third place by himself
• Won despite getting a goose egg from Chuba Hubbard
• Got a free win from their trade bitch

Things Jop Suey!!! is thankful for:

• It’s almost over
• Can enjoy Thanksgiving football without pressure of staying alive for playoffs
• Still have a few more weeks to brag about being the champion
• Myles Gaskin finally had a good game again
• Kyler Murray will play again, right?
• Will probably beat me again this week because God hates me

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-5) DEF. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (5-6)

93.88 – 89.08

Things the Krispy Kritters are thankful for:

• Justin Herbert exists
• The Steelers defense is trash
• Pat Freiermuth did literally just enough to fuck me over
• Somehow have a winning record since Derrick Henry’s injury
• Buccaneers players can’t catch everything Tom Brady throws at them
• I fucking told you Richard would beat me

Things Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell is thankful for:

• Fuck you
• Unlike my WR decision, I didn’t fuck up my RB decision
• Aaron Rodgers once again provided meme material thanks to my namesake
• I don’t work until Sunday
• Luke Walton and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer got fired
• Um… I got a new haircut?

PLEASE GOD WIN (6-5) DEF. HOG WILD (3-8)

115.66 – 96.82

Things Please God Win is thankful for:

• Has a winning record since the name change
• Davante Adams is Top 2 and he ain’t No. 2
• Josh Allen did well enough despite getting smacked
• Christian McCaffrey is officially back in form
• Just saw a Champions League match in person
• Kyle’s in France with his girlfriend right now so he doesn’t care about fantasy football

Things Hog Wild is thankful for:

• Finally changed their name (and it’s actually good)
• Not in last place
• Denzel Perryman is a fucking animal
• Darren Waller finally did well again
• Won’t have to deal with Amari Cooper having a revenge game against the Raiders
• Just win one more game and Taylor can’t catch you

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-5) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (6-5)

96.58 – 79.70

Things Footballdamus is thankful for:

• Made up for that embarrassment last week
• Jalen Hurts is good and has a juicy stretch ahead of him
• Nick Chubb returned to form
• Mike Williams helped Riaz pull away with a late TD
• Has somehow won three games in a row
• Gee can’t score 189 points again, right?

Things Sleeping Giants are thankful for:

• Pat Mahomes is on a bye
• Cam Newton may actually have been a good pickup
• Eli Mitchell and Aaron Jones will come back eventually
• Got to see the 49ers win in person
• Dad is likely still making the playoffs
• I’m coming over in a few hours

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (9-2)*
2. Dixie Normous (9-2)*
3. Yea baby! (7-4)
4. Please God Win (6-5)
5. The Krispy Kritters (6-5)
6. Sleeping Giants (6-5)
7. Footballdamus (6-5)
8. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (5-6)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (4-7)
10. Well Damn (4-7)
11. Hog Wild (3-8)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-10)e

* = clinched playoff spot

e = eliminated

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. 49ers (1350.66)
2. Dixie Normous (1338.24)
3. Yea baby! (1203.80)
4. Please God Win (1172.52)
5. The Krispy Kritters (1127.46)
6. Hog Wild (1125.26)
7. Sleeping Giants (1123.80)
8. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (1122.64)
9. Footballdamus (1109.24)
10. Three Eyed Ravens (1098.10)
11. Well Damn (1082.74)
12. Jop Suey!!! (939.80)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: At this point, it’s not unexpected for Jonathan Taylor to have an excellent game. But there’s a difference between “good” and “Top 10 fantasy football performance of all time.” By reaching 50 points, Taylor became part of a legendary fantasy fraternity. In fact, Taylor finished with only three fewer points than Alvin Kamara had in the Epic Bowl. Finally, a great Taylor day is good for Gee.

WORST: Could Nick have avoided the upset against Ewing? Perhaps not, but one of his usually reliable players didn’t really give him a chance. For the second time in four games, Dak Prescott laid a massive egg on the field, failing to do anything against the Chiefs defense or even put up more than five points. This is not the time for Nick to start trailing in the Race for Marshall.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Lost in the fact that he got fucking annihilated was that Chriss made one of the best pickups of the season. While dropping the injured and inconsistent T.Y. Hilton, Chriss added Elijah Moore, who was spectacular in putting up a season-high 21 points. While it didn’t really matter in the short run, Moore’s addition may be crucial in Chriss’ quest to avoid elimination.

WORST: Taylor doesn’t get that many chances to win, so when Arik only drops 91 points that means opportunity is abound. However, Taylor fell short thanks to one player in particular. When new addition Justin Fields left with an injury, he had only given Taylor three points. Had he been able to stay in or provide 20 points (average for a QB), Taylor would’ve gotten the win.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: This one is reserved for all of the decisions Gee made in order to assemble his lineup of doom. This performance not only shattered the single-week scoring record for our league, but flipped the entire battle for first place, with Gee taking the top spot in the standings as well as pole position in the Race for Marshall. Was this a flash in the pan, or a sign of things to come?

WORST: Six weeks. SIX GODDAMN WEEKS it had been since D.J. Moore finished with double-digit points. Seeing this trend, I opted to bench Moore for Hunter Renfrow, who had scored in back-to-back games. Naturally, Moore found the endzone and got 11 points, eight more than Renfrow. I lost by four points. Fuck this godforsaken, bullshit-ridden earth and everyone on it.

LUCK

BEST: Even with my D.J. Moore/Hunter Renfrow fuckup, I still should’ve beaten Richard, whose lineup was mediocre as a whole. But then Justin Herbert just had to put up LITERALLY HIS BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE SEASON and single-handedly give Richard the win. If I miss the playoffs because of Herbert (and his late TD to Mike Williams), I’m gonna be quite pissed.

WORST: Remember all of those things that Chriss had been dealing with that I wrote about last week? Well now, we can add “literally going against the greatest offensive performance in league history” to the list. Most of the time this season, Chriss would’ve gotten the win with how well he performed. Now Chriss knows how I felt when Riez randomly dropped 172 points on my ass.

IN MEMORIAM

JOP SUEY!!! (TAYLOR)

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Jop Suey!!! — the last team standing in 2020 — is now the first team to be officially eliminated from playoff contention in 2021. How did things go so wrong for Taylor? First was an extremely hit or miss draft, which saw the top half of Taylor’s picks include the likes of Antonio Gibson, Allen Robinson, Mike Davis, and Odell Beckham, Jr. There were some hits — Najee Harris, Aaron Rodgers, Keenan Allen, and Deebo Samuel spring to mind. But Taylor’s tinkering led to trades that sent all of them away. After just one week, Rodgers and Harris were shipped off for Myles Gaskin and Kyler Murray (who while good has not stayed healthy). Samuel and Chuba Hubbard were traded for Ty’Son Williams and Calvin Ridley. Then there were the constant waiver wire pickups and drops that quite frankly didn’t make sense at times. There were players Taylor would pick up, drop, and pick up again in a matter of days. Put it all together and you have by far the worst team in the league. Someone besides me lose to Taylor, please!  

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… this fucking team.

This might’ve been the final nail in the coffin. Hope you guys enjoyed Sunday — it might’ve been the last time the Raiders enter a game with a record above .500 for a while.

Goddamn that was so frustrating. It was a classic Raiders loss where the team hangs in there for most of the game, only to completely fall on its face at the end. The three classic problems — bad officiating, offensive mistakes, and the inability to stop opponents on 3rd down — bit Las Vegas right in the ass.

Yes, two horrible calls directly led to more Bengals points (not to mention Cincinnati only got called for one penalty all game). There was the bullshit unnecessary roughness penalty where Joe Burrow got nominated for an Oscar that led to a FG, followed by the bullshit unnecessary roughness penalty that led to a Joe Mixon TD shortly before halftime (there was also the bullshit unnecessary roughness call on Josh Jacobs, but the game was over by that point). However, there were several other opportunities to stop Cincinnati, particularly on 3rd down, that were either blown by stupid, legitimate penalties or poor coverage. Granted, the defense did enough to put the offense in position to make some noise (let’s not forget the sack fumble to begin the game). But it’s no wonder the defense eventually broke — the Bengals nearly doubled the Raiders in time of possession (37:20 to 22:40). 

Why did that happen? Because the offense once again shit the bed. Right after getting the ball with goal to go to start the game, Las Vegas ran three straight plays in which the ball never even entered the end zone. Seemingly every drive after that began with a huge run or pass, followed by three plays (often involving stupid screen passes or ticky tack bullshit) that would lead to a punt. The one exception was that glorious drive where the Raiders went 75 yards in three plays (all passes to TEs). But that only served to highlight the fact that the WRs couldn’t do jack shit all game. Once the Raiders were forced to gamble while down late, Derek Carr proved every hater right by first throwing a stupid INT that all but killed the game, them by officially killing the game with that fucking fumble. 

Was Henry Ruggs really that important to the offense where the Raiders can’t fucking score without him? I find that hard to believe, yet the results in front of me suggest so. Again, I can’t necessarily blame the team for this slide given all of the issues brought by Ruggs and Jon Gruden and everyone else. But I can be pissed that the Raiders are losing on mind-boggling decisions and stupid mistakes. I also know at this point Rich Bisaccia isn’t the answer. I can’t for the life of me understand why you would burn all three timeouts while down by multiple scores with just over a minute remaining, only to then call two running plays to end the game? Is that some kind of ego thing where you want to end the game on your terms?

The season isn’t technically over, but with so many losses to teams in the AFC playoff hunt it’s tough to imagine a path forward without serious help or wins, starting today against the Cowboys. At this point, I don’t know what has to change, but it’s time to go down swinging. Let the offense loose again. Give the defense some help. Hell, I’m even up for benching Carr and his Marv looking haircut for Marcus Mariota. Anything to finally get another win…

Then again, maybe the Raiders will win because I won’t be in Dallas.

A TRIP TO THE DEATH STAR

Oh yeah, I guess I have this to be thankful for.

Several weeks ago, Dad got into contact with an old friend (who actually helped introduce Dad and Mom in college). She had recently gotten tickets to the Raiders-Bengals game for her and her daughter. However, the guy she bought them from had an extra, so she mentioned it to Dad. Inspired, Dad decided to give me an early Christmas present by not only getting that ticket for me but also arranging flights to and from Las Vegas, along with a hotel room to stay the night. I was flabbergasted and somewhat skeptical until I got the actual ticket. Then I was fucking hyped. 

I had only been to two NFL games before — Raiders-Texans in Oakland in 2014 (the James Jones double fumble game) and 49ers-Bengals in 2015 (my own Christmas present to Dad). Now I was going to a game in Las Vegas, years before I thought I would ever make the trip. Part of the reason I felt like it was a dream was because — due to my sleep schedule and the fact that my outgoing flight left Sacramento at 6 a.m. — I literally hadn’t slept and was running on pure adrenaline on Sunday. Still, I had an incredible time and have enough info to provide a Las Vegas scouting report for any Raiders fan looking to make the journey to the desert.

LOGISTICS

As I mentioned, I flew into Las Vegas on Sunday and left on Monday. My Dad’s friend and her daughter flew into Vegas and back to Sacramento all on Sunday. If you’re looking to spend the least amount of money, their route is the way to go. However, be prepared to be extremely tired or at the very least rushed. They had to wake up at 3 a.m. to make the flight on time and didn’t get home until 11 p.m. You could probably arrange for flights to arrive a bit later and get home a bit earlier, but then you’ll feel like you’re barely in Vegas. In addition, every casino we went to after the game had lines for taxis stretching from the entrance to well past the lobby — every single Raiders fan it seemed was flying out on Sunday. I can’t speak for airport traffic on Sunday night, but it must’ve been insane. If you feel you can handle the insane travel and crowds, be my guest. 

Personally, I prefer the way Dad picked — anyone who actually could have slept the night before would have been able to have some fun in Vegas on Sunday night before flying home on Monday. But in a perfect world, I think the ideal trip would be staying an extra day — Saturday. That way you have plenty of time to get acclimated to Vegas and enjoy time there. In addition, one experience I didn’t get to do was take a tour of Allegiant Stadium, something they don’t offer on game days. If you can only spend one day in Vegas, I would go the way I went (Sunday/Monday) instead of traveling Saturday and returning Sunday. I wouldn’t know where you’d put your luggage after needing to check out of your hotel before the game. Maybe you can work out a deal at your hotel. But I wouldn’t count on it.

PREGAMING

There isn’t a great amount of parking around Allegiant Stadium, especially towards the north, where I approached from. That naturally severely limits the amount of tailgating that can be done. Now, I did see a good amount of people around their cars, grilling, drinking, and getting crazy. But honestly what I saw couldn’t hold a candle to what happened in the parking lot at the Coliseum. It all felt kind of corporate and safe, which is the last word I would typically use to describe a Raiders home game. 

Of course, there are different ways to pregame. If you’re simply looking to get fucked up and party before going to the game, Las Vegas is quite frankly the perfect spot to do so. It’s the city that never sleeps and always serves drinks. My two compatriots and I found a restaurant inside the Mandalay Bay and quickly I was eating a chicken sandwich and drinking a beer at 8:30 a.m. Given how much gambling is a part of Vegas, literally every TV inside a casino is tuned to a football game, which certainly helps with the pregame efforts. For a lot of people, being able to gamble, then drink, then watch football while making a bet, then doing any other activity you can only do in Las Vegas, then go to a football game is fucking incredible. You don’t even have to bounce around that much — it’s all available at a single casino.

GETTING TO THE GAME

Allegiant Stadium is located to the west of the Las Vegas freeway — nearly every single major casino in Vegas is located to the east of the freeway, with many of them being between the freeway and the Las Vegas strip. To help with pedestrian traffic, multiple overpasses (including Hacienda Avenue, which I used) are closed to road traffic before, during, and after the game. You simply walk from the strip over the freeway to the stadium. Because there’s no better place to mention it, I have to tell you that at the bottom of the overpass were two women posing for pictures with people. They were dressed like showgirls, with the exception that they were topless, with Raiders logo pasties covering their nipples. No, I did not get a picture.

Anyway, if you’re staying along the strip south of Tropicana Avenue (that’s where T-Mobile Arena, the Excalibur, New York-New York, and the MGM Grand are), you have an easy walk. I was staying at the Signature at MGM Grand, which by the way is right by the Topgolf Jimmy, Emilio, Chriss and I went to during Emilio’s bachelor party (and the place Henry Ruggs was driving from when the deadly crash happened). I had to walk through the MGM Grand (which is fucking huge) and then down the strip before I could get to the stadium. It was about a 40-minute walk — not bad, but I definitely felt it. By far the best two places to stay if you’re going to a Raiders game are the Mandalay Bay and Luxor. They’re right by the stadium and have by far the shortest walk to and from the game. I’d go with the Mandalay Bay because it has cooler shit inside.

ALLEGIANT STADIUM

Holy fucking shit. Boys… holy fucking shit. Allegiant Stadium truly is the Death Star. This place is fucking incredible. I remember how it felt stepping into the Golden 1 Center for the first time after so many years at Arco Arena — it was like entering a spaceship compared to the old, antiquated arena. Comparing the Coliseum to Allegiant Stadium is like comparing a station wagon to the USS Enterprise. It’s a massive, state-of-the-art facility that has a genuine claim to being the best in all of football. It’s beautiful and amazing and I can’t fucking believe that the Raiders — my favorite team — calls this place home. My jaw was on the floor as soon as I stepped through the entrance and I had a tough time picking it up. I then lost all control when I realized I had end zone seats, which I honestly just wanted to sit in the whole time (it didn’t hurt that they were playing RedZone on the big screens). But of course I had to do the stadium walk-around.

Each length-wise corridor of the first floor has its own exhibit. One side has a mural showing the history of Las Vegas; the other has a mural showing the history of the stadium’s construction. The second floor is dedicated to former Raiders players who are in the HOF. I didn’t see much of the third floor, although there were elevators to get fans to their seats easily. Annoyingly though, there weren’t any downward escalators until after the game, meaning the only way down was through the stairs or elevator. Dotted throughout the concourse are activities like a virtual fan experience and plenty of shops. I also caught a glimpse of some of the stuites, which are massive and look like Japanese business rooms. Twitch is a fucking sponsor, with live chats being broadcast in certain areas. It’s also pretty clean, which I guess is largely due to its newness.

As far as food and drink, you truly have the pick of the litter. Allegiant Stadium offers an incredibly diverse selection of food. You have your typical sports game affair — burgers, hot dogs/sausages, nachos, chicken, fries, pizza, etc. But there’s so much more. There are plenty of BBQ and Mexican food stands, as well as multiple Japanese food offerings including something I got — teriyaki steak skewers on top of a bed of jasmine rice. Who would’ve ever thought I could get such a thing at a football game? Of course, they’re practically giving alcohol away. There are so many beer, wine, and alcohol stands in the stadium that the lower bowl could probably be filled by the total amount of liquid. The big, main bar surrounds the Al Davis torch, which is pretty badass to see in person. Of course it’s all expensive, but you have to expect that.

GAME EXPERIENCE

The team has done everything they can to make it feel like a Raiders game, although it’s still a bit unusual. The hype video featured Raiders players — in full uniform — rising like zombies out of the desert sand. Almost every chance they get, they play “The Autumn Wind,” which isn’t a bad thing. The front of the stadium — near the torch — is where the Vegas spin really shows. That’s the side which has the end zone featuring a club and also plays host to the Raiders’ jazz band, something I didn’t know existed until Sunday. It’s also where Sammy Hagar performed at halftime. 

But the main attraction was the fans, who were loud and fired the fuck up the whole time. It was great to see the opposite of what it was the week before against the Kansas City Chiefs. Sure, there were a lot of Bengals fans there. But they were far outnumbered by the home crowd. Some of the prominent Black Hole members — like Gorilla Rilla and Violator — were present, as were many people covered in skulls or dressed as Darth Vader/Kylo Ren. Everyone was shouting and standing up on 3rd down. Only when things got out of hand did the crowd finally start to wind down and pack up to go to a casino. 

As far as my viewing experience goes, it was amazing. The seats were fantastic and I had a great view of the action. It was cool to be among a crowd of Raiders fans again and go apeshit whenever Las Vegas did something good on the field. Given how massive the stadium was, I’m glad I got tickets in the lower level — honestly I don’t even know if second level and above is worth it. Everything looks like ants from up there.THE VIBE

Even though 99% of my description of Allegiant Stadium and my overall experience has been positive, there was something I couldn’t shake the entire time it was there. Perhaps it was because I’m from the general area the Raiders called home for the vast majority of my life. Maybe it was due to everything still being relatively new. But it just felt weird being in Las Vegas and watching a Raiders game of all places. The Raiders now play in a dome in the middle of the desert. There are silver and black outlines of Nevada on banners in the stadium — the state flag flies at the very top. The whole sand intro thing was kind of weird. 

Call it nostalgia, PTSD, or Stockholm Syndrome, but there’s something about the shittiness of Oakland and the Coliseum that fed into the Raiders’ identity. Where’s the chain link fence that surrounded the bridge you use to get from the BART station to the stadium? Where’s the Denny’s you’d eat and pregame in before ducking under the hole in the fence to avoid paying for parking? The Raiders traded the hardcore, gritty, salt of the earth vide they had in Oakland for the glitz, glamour, and modernity Vegas has provided. In some respects, I think that’s a mistake.

There was a moment after the game when a group of eight or nine Bengals fans came hooting and hollering into the end zone section where we were, shouting, “Who Dey?,” taking pictures, and generally kind of talking shit. If this game happened in Oakland, that would be eight or nine hospitalizations with major injuries at best and fatalities at worst. Opposing fans used to fear for their lives when entering the Coliseum. Shit, I was a little afraid at the game I went to and I’m a Raiders fan. But that’s not the case in Vegas, where I also saw Browns fans, Packers fans, Steelers fans, Patriots fans, and even Broncos fans wearing gear at the game. Have you ever seen a third party fan wear a jersey at the Coliseum? You’d barely see any away fans repping their teams out of fear for their own lives.

Is that necessarily a good thing to get rid of? I don’t know. Sporting events should be able to be enjoyed without fearing for your safety. But more often not the ones you truly remember have that extra bit of danger. Think about Ewing getting peer pressured to take off his red shirt at the Cal-Stanford game or Jimmy leading a group of A’s fans in a West Side Story-style confrontation in Seattle. That’s the shit you tell your grandkids about. Did that edge ever give the Raiders an edge on the field. For the vast majority of their time in Oakland, no. But it was what we clung to as the team put together shit effort after shit effort on the field.

Here is the best description I have of Allegiant Stadium — it’s the perfect home of the Las Vegas Raiders. But when it comes to the Raiders as a whole, there’s still a feeling out process. I don’t want to take away from how magnificent the stadium is or my overall experience — I had a tremendous time despite the loss and would eagerly return. But I’m no longer the average Raiders fan. Those are now the people of Las Vegas, who more than anywhere else are outnumbered by visitors, which include me. It was a perfect trip for me because I made it a weekend — go see my favorite team play and then go home. 

What does that sound like? It’s the mindset of a visiting fan — fly in to see my favorite team play and enjoy a weekend before going home. No wonder there was a fear of visiting fans taking over. Whereas people from across California could drive to Oakland for a Raiders game, Vegas is in the middle of the desert. It’s basically live there or fly there and those who live there have an uphill battle to make it their own. Can it happen? Absolutely — look at the Vegas Golden Knights. But they also made the Stanley Cup Final in their first year. It’ll be a while before the Raiders reach the Super Bowl again.

But anyway 10/10 experience would definitely go again. One thing I had forgotten but was reminded of over the weekend — Las Vegas is hosting the next NFL Draft in April. Road trip?

STAT OF THE WEEK

In addition, all four INTs came within a span of just under 11 minutes in the 4th quarter. It’s the first time a team had three different QBs throw an INT in the same quarter since Craig Erickson, Steve DeBerg, and Casey Weldon of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were all picked off in the 4th quarter against the Chicago Bears in 1993.

I know I’m probably biased due to watching Secret Base’s documentary on them, but the Atlanta Falcons must have a genuine claim to have the most tortured fan base in all of football. 28-3 might be the thing that puts them over the edge, since people go out of their way to find stats that include the numbers 28 and 3. Some of them are even out of this world.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On November 25, 2001, Jim Mora unleashed one of the greatest post-game tirades in the history of sports. Mora was in his fourth year in charge of the Indianapolis Colts and had recently overseen an incredible turnaround from 3-13 to 13-3, thanks in large part to a young Peyton Manning and Edgerrin James. But after a 10-6 finish in his third season as head coach, Mora and the Colts were struggling in 2001, sitting at just 4-5 going into their Week 11 home matchup with the 7-2 San Francisco 49ers. Indianapolis completely shit the bed, losing 40-21 in a game where the Colts committed five turnovers, four of them INTs by Manning (one returned for a TD). To make matters more embarrassing, the 49ers’ defensive coordinator was none other than Mora’s son — Jim Mora, Jr. As the post-game press conference began, Mora immediately relieved the defense of blame, ripping into the Colts offense for those turnovers and claiming college and high school teams could have beaten Indianapolis that day. Mora also threw in his first golden nugget quote, stating that the Colts couldn’t do “diddly poo” on offense. Then came a question from WRTV reporter Tim Bragg, who asked Mora about the Colts’ chances of reaching the playoffs. Mora didn’t hear him the first time and asked Bragg to repeat the question. Once Bragg said the word “playoffs,” Mora reacted as if a skunk had just sprayed in the room, looking disgustingly inquisitive and spewing out the following in response: “Playoffs? Don’t talk about—playoffs?! You kidding me? Playoffs?! I just hope we can win a game! Another game!” Just like that, Mora was inducted into the sports meltdown HOF, paving the way for the likes of Dennis Green, Mike Gundy, Allen Iverson, and Herm Edwards. It has been referenced countless times, including in spoofs such as this Coors Light commercial. Mora’s pessimism regarding his team’s playoff odds was correct — the Colts would finish with a 6-10 record and miss the postseason. Mora was fired that offseason and replaced by Tony Dungy, who would take Indianapolis to the playoffs a lot. Mora apparently hadn’t even watched the video of his infamous press conference until around the 10-year anniversary in 2011. In an interview with ESPN, Mora said he regretted throwing Manning under the bus and that he didn’t feel like what he said was a rant, but rather a “simple reaction to what [he] felt was not a very smart question.” Don’t worry, Jim — the similarly-named member of this league would probably say the same thing if you asked him about his own playoff chances.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 BIGGEST TURKEYS IN THE NFL

The word “turkey” has a surprising amount of definitions. Of course, the most common definition is that of a kind of bird that dreads this time of year. It’s also the name of a country that I’d love to visit someday but is also governed by a madman. A turkey is what happens when you get three strikes in a row in bowling (I will do it someday goddamn it). “Turkey” was also the nickname of Joe Jones, a former DE who famously threw Terry Bradshaw down late in a play many consider among the dirtiest in NFL history. But the word has another definition that’s the focus here.

“Turkey” is also used to describe something that is “extremely or completely unsuccessful.” It essentially means a fuck-up or dissapointment, and a particularly embarrassing one at that. I’ve often seen articles in the past list the “Turkeys of the Year,” showcasing the celebrities, officials, or big names that have royally fucked up. With this being the last Thanksgiving newsletter of mine, I figured there wouldn’t be a better time to take a look at the biggest turkeys in the NFL.

One quick note before we begin — Henry Ruggs will not appear on this list. Ruggs definitely did something bad and disappointing, with his stock dropping greatly from where it was going into the season. But, like, he killed a woman and a dog in a DUI crash. That’s way too fucked up and serious to throw into a list like this. What Ruggs did goes far beyond turkey behavior. That’s like putting Kyle Rittenhouse on a turkey list (although the judge could probably make the cut).

HONORABLE MENTION: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Yes the Seahawks have been hit hard by injuries — Russell Wilson missed a notable amount of time and Chris Carson was just lost for the year. But Seattle has been something I’ve never seen during Pete Carroll’s tenure: toothless. The offense was shut out for the first time in the Wilson era and their wins have come against mediocre teams. Seattle’s heading for a last place finish.

HONORABLE MENTION: ZACH WILSON

Rookie QBs are expected to struggle and we knew the Jets would be terrible, but holy shit has Zach Wilson played poorly. Wilson has set INT marks no one wants to reach, throwing a pick in each of his first five games and still being in the Top 5 for INTs (with nine so far in fewer than 200 passes) despite being out for the past four games. The whole Mike White thing doesn’t help.

HONORABLE MENTION: SAM DARNOLD

Zach Wilson’s predecessor on the Jets, Sam Darnold, was expected to make the most of his opportunity in Carolina. However, it turns out it wasn’t New York causing Darnold to struggle — he was just shit. After starting 3-0, Darnold and the Panthers have fucking collapsed, with Darnold seeing literal ghosts, being replaced by Cam Newton. Darnold’s career as a starter is likely over.

HONORABLE MENTION: UNVACCINATED PLAYERS

Regardless of your stance on getting the COVID-19 vaccine, as a professional athlete not doing so not only puts your health in jeopardy, but also your career and the success of your team. Kirk Cousins, Amari Cooper, and Joe Flacco are just some of those players. Of course, other players aren’t just unvaccinated, they’re incredibly fucking annoying about it — like the following example.

10. COLE BEASLEY

How do you go from lovable player on an underdog team to a social pariah? If you’re Cole Beasley, you go public with your thoughts on not getting the vaccine (just because you don’t like being told what to do), threatening to retire if forced to be actually immunized. You then follow it up by getting into Twitter fights with everyone from Mark Cuban to your own teammates, violate COVID-19 protocol, and criticize Bills fans for booing you, assuming it’s for being unvaccinated. There’s a reason I named my team “Cole Beasley’s Brain Cell” at the beginning of the season.

9. MIAMI DOLPHINS

Remember when the Miami Dolphins were everyone’s dark horse playoff pick? Now, there’s an argument that Miami is the most disappointing team in the league. The defense has taken a huge step back (don’t tell the Ravens), Tua Tagovailoa hasn’t shown any progress when healthy, and Brian Flores has made the situation worse with some questionable roster management. Then of course there’s the whole publically trying to put together an incredibly ill-advised trade for a QB who’s facing nearly two dozen sexual assault allegations. Oh, speaking of Deshaun Watson… 

8. HOUSTON TEXANS

Don’t think we forgot about your dumpster fire, Texans! While Houston’s front office apparently still demands the moon for Deshaun Watson, the team actually playing has been trash. After getting a win over the Jaguars in Week 1, the Texans dropped nine games in a row, the vast majority of them by lopsided scores. However, things aren’t looking completely grim in Houston — for once in their lives, the Texans will actually have a 1st round pick to spend in next year’s draft. That is, unless it’s thrown away in whatever deal they get for Watson or something. 

7. MATT NAGY

Matt Nagy has to be the next coach fired, right? Justin Fields is looking like the best QB in his class so far, yet risks being killed every single game behind Nagy’s offensive schemes that leave him exposed or running for his life. Aside from one fluke year with Mitch Trubisky, Nagy has done  jack shit in Chicago. Now, with the Bears slumping, time is short for Nagy to turn things around and get his team back to the playoffs. Nagy may not be a bad coach per se, but his bizarre post-game sound bites and lack of offensive prowess have been grating for Chicago fans for years.

6. DETROIT LIONS

I mean… no one expected the Detroit Lions to be anything but bad this season. Still, if you’re winless by Thanksgiving, you get a spot on the turkey list, no matter how much effort you’re putting in or how many bad breaks you’ve gotten. From getting blue balled with a failed epic comeback against the 49ers to losing on a literal record kick by the Ravens to having the Vikings actually make a game-winning FG against you to failing to beat a Steelers team pretty much giving you the win, the Lions don’t have a lot to be thankful about in the 2021 season.

5. URBAN MEYER

Immediately after Urban Meyer was hired by the Jaguars, everyone knew his tenure would go either extremely well or quite poorly. So far, Jacksonville is 2-8 (and one of only two teams the Texans have beaten) in a season that has seen Meyer hire an assistant who was accused of racism and bullying (he later resigned), the Jaguars fined $100K for violating practice rules, and of course Meyer be caught getting handsy with a woman who wasn’t his wife after a loss. Meyer would indisputably be the biggest head coaching failure this season had it not been for, well…

4. JON GRUDEN

Yeah… you knew this was coming eventually. This year, Jon Gruden didn’t even get the chance to lead a second half collapse. Five games into the season, Gruden resigned for misogynistic, homophobic, racist emails he wrote while working for ESPN. Gruden might’ve been on this list for his coaching problems alone, but leaving not even halfway through a 10-year contract is some legendary fuckup-ery. Even though I don’t condone what Gruden wrote at all, I hope his lawsuit against the NFL eventually takes down whoever needs to be removed from power.

3. THE NFL & OWNERSHIP

There was absolutely no goddamn way the thousands of emails analyzed in the Washington Football Team investigation only detailed Jon Gruden being guilty or wrongdoing. Yet, the NFL refuses to make the findings public or punish anyone else involved, despite the incredibly fucked up shit we knew went down in the organization. Instead, Dan Snyder continues to go unchallenged and keeps running Washington into the ground. Why? It’s a boys club. Money. Fuck you we’re the NFL. Take your pick — Roger Goodell and the owners will stick with it.

2. AARON RODGERS

Over the past seven months, no one in the NFL has created more drama than Aaron Rodgers. We thought the worst was over when, despite a metrick fuck ton of speculation, Rodgers wasn’t traded from Green Bay. However, one positive test changed everything. Well, one test and one of the most bizarre, ridiculous, insane interviews of all time. When you reference Martin Luther King, Jr. and Joe Rogan within minutes of each other, piss off everyone on the political spectrum, and get uncovered as an alternative science-believing nutjob, you deserve to rank high on this list.   

1. THE COMPETITION COMMITTEE/REFEREES

I can’t remember a new rule condemned so universally so soon as the new taunting rule that went into effect this season. The emphasis on tampering taunting and the willingness of officials to throw the flag for doing something as heinous as staring menacingly at the other team is honestly ruining some games (Bears-Steelers comes to mind). This wasn’t even a problem at all before this season, so what gives. Maybe John Mara (who became the face of the new rule this offseason) and the rest of the old, rich, white men needed to justify their great pearl-clutching.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (9-2) VS. YEA BABY! (7-4)

For the first time in a long time, Dixie Normous is no longer in first place. What’s more, Nick faces a tough contender in his bid to remain even with Gee. Yea baby! has been sitting in third for a while and finally gets another crack at one of the two teams above it. Both Arik and Nick will be looking to their QBs — Russell Wilson and Dak Prescott — to perform much better than they did last week. Still, both rosters are full of supplemental pieces that could make or break this matchup. Given the projected standings, this could be a potential semi-final preview.

PLEASE GOD WIN (6-5) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (4-7)

Where the hell have Three Eyed Ravens come from. Just three weeks ago, Ewing was tied with Taylor for last place. Suddenly, Ewing has won three straight (scoring well each time) and finds himself on the verge of playoff position with just three weeks to go. Standing in his way is Please God Win, who righted their own tough start earlier this year and is trying to fend off any possible slip ups back down the standings. Both Kyle and Ewing’s rosters have been potent in recent weeks. The battle of hot streaks could weigh heavily on the battle for the last few playoff spots.

49ERS (9-2) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-5)

Despite not playing up to potential, Footballdamus has managed to string together three wins and has reached a slightly comfortable spot in the playoff race right now. But Riaz has to keep winning, a task made all the more difficult by the team standing in front of him. 49ers turned into God last week, setting a new single-week scoring record in the Epic League in the process. You’d have to figure Gee’s performance will suffer some regression this week. The big question is whether it’ll be big enough for Riaz to take advantage of and keep his winning streak alive.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (6-5) VS. SLEEPING GIANTS (6-5)

Right now, the Krispy Kritters and Sleeping Giants are in decent position in the playoff race. But taking out the immediate competition — like the person right next to you in the standings — is one way to solidify your status. Dad will look to do this despite some questions around his lineup. Pat Mahomes is on a bye — can Cam Newton pick things up? The health of CeeDee Lamb and Eli Mitchell will also be huge factors. Meanwhile, Richard will be hoping for a repeat performance from Justin Herbert, who — considering he’s facing the Broncos — could light it up once again.

WELL DAMN (4-7) VS. HOD WILD (3-8)

The fates of two teams hang in the balance in this matchup. For Hog Wild, one more loss would surely spell the end of their season — potentially three games of the playoffs with two weeks to play. A win is the only way to ensure survival. It could also spell doom for Well Damn, who needs a win desperately to avoid falling further in the standings. Right now, it looks like both Chriss and Jimmy will be missing key contributors for what is basically a must-win matchup. Today’s games will provide answers (especially for Jimmy) as to who will be grasping at straws come next week. 

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (5-6) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-10)

Jop Suey!!! has nothing to play for — they’re all but secured to finish last and have already been eliminated from playoff contention. Hell, I wrote their obituary in this newsletter. But all that means is this is the perfect time for Taylor to strike, especially since Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell is already the 1 in his 1-10 record. I’ve been staving off Chriss but now have Ewing breathing down my neck — one more loss and I’m likely out of the playoff picture. By all accounts, I should get my much-desired win. But the fantasy football gods hate me and will punish me with a loss.

ONE LAST THING

There are plenty of debates surrounding NFL head coaches. Many argue who is best or worst or deserves to be fired the most. After the 2020 draft, there was a debate over which coach had the best house/draft day war room. Last year I had one Top 10 list of the head coaches who would most likely win in a fight. Well this is another debate, one that I never thought would make it here.

A few days ago, this guy posted on Reddit, saying he consults with a major marketing research company. One day, he slipped a particular question into a poll specifically targeted at women: how hot would you rank [insert person]?” He then put in names and images of each NFL head coach, essentially turning this into a matter of ranking each coach on a scale of 1-10 in terms of attractiveness (10 being the highest). He then collected the data and gave us the first ever scientifically calculated list of the hottest head coaches in the NFL.

The winner, which may come as no surprise to some, was Matt LaFleur, who finished with the highest average rating of 8.49 out of 10. Up next may be somewhat of a surprise — Brian Flores, finishing in a close second at 8.43. Robert Saleh was third, proving that there is hope for you bald fucks after all. Kliff Kingsbury and Mike Tomlin round out the Top 5 and are the only other coaches with an average rating above 8. Sean McVay missed out by .01, finishing sixth with a 7.99 rating. Mike Vrabel, Kevin Stefanski, and Kyle Shanahan are also in the Top 10. But for me the most surprising result was Bill Belichick finishing ninth overall with a 7.37 average. This poll must’ve been conducted in New England.

Other surprises include Pete Carroll narrowly finishing outside the Top 10, Bruce Arians making it in the Top 15, John Harbaugh being in the bottom half of the list, and Sean Payton landing in the last quarter overall. To somewhat of a surprise, Rich Bisaccia was the highest placing AFC West coach at 5.77 — just ahead of Brandon Staley (suck it, Chargers!). In case you’re wondering, the Bottom 5 is, in descending order, Mike McCarthy, Mike Zimmer (who is literally dating a supermodel), Ron Rivera (I call bullshit on that), Matt Rhule, and finally the ugliest head coach in the NFL — Vic Fangio. 

Anyway, do what you want to with that information. Thank god Jon Gruden is no longer with the Raiders — he’d find a way to finish with a negative rating.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness