Ruben's Writings

(trying to think of a theme)

Well… I’m excited to see Dune this weekend.

This isn’t a complete ass pull — I’ve been wanting to see Dune for a while now and finally have some free time to do so. Yes I know it’s on HBO Max — I want to experience this on the big screen and help with the theater totals for this film. What Denis Villeneuve and company are attempting to do deserves nothing short of full fan support.

Dune — which began as a novel in 1965 — is arguably the greatest and most critically acclaimed science fiction stories of all time. Yes, I include franchises like Star Wars and Star Trek when making that statement. It’s set in the distant future in outer space, where noble houses control planetary systems. The focus is on Paul Atreides, whose family accepts control of the planet Arrakis, an inhospitable and sparsely populated desert world that’s the only source of melange (or “spice”), a drug that extends life, enhances mental abilities, and is necessary for space navigation. Dune is a complicated yet fascinating story of politics, religion, technology, classism, racism, ecology, and emotion. It’s like Game of Thrones set in space, except more in-depth and insane. I decided to pick it up a few years ago because I needed something to read during my trip to Morocco and I thought it’d be funny to read a story called Dune while in the desert. What an accidentally great decision. Dune is fucking awesome.

So if Dune and its franchise are so beloved and popular in the science fiction community, why haven’t most people heard of it. Well, sadly the most popular way to consume media is through a screen (a TV show or movie). When it comes to the latter, Dune is pretty difficult to do because of just how complicated of a narrative it weaves, which is almost impossible to capture in a movie. In 1984, David Lynch (Eraserhead, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive) attempted the job with a film that included the likes of Patrick Steward, Max von Sydow, and Sting. It was not well received. It was also made into a miniseries in 2000 that was well-received by critics, but wasn’t super popular because it was only on the Sci Fi Channel.

Then came this attempt at telling Dune‘s story on the big screen. Villeneuve is a proven director, with bangers like Arrival, Prisoners, Sicario, and Blade Runner 2049 under his belt. The cast includes the likes of Oscar Isaac, Josh Brolin, Stellan Skarsgard, Javier Barden, Jason Momoa, Dave Bautista, Zendaya, and Timothee Chalamet. Modern technology has also allowed these kinds of stories to be better told (the 1984 movie had some… interesting special effects). Plus, Villeneuve made a wise call by turning this into a two-parter, although it was a ballsy move. Apparently Warner Bros. hadn’t greenlit Part 2 before this film’s release, although the credits apparently refer to it as Part 1. Fortunately, it seems to be doing well financially and critically, because that green light for a sequel has finally been given for 2023.

These guys have seemingly done the impossible — make a good, popular movie adaptation of Dune. I can’t wait to see it.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

YEA BABY! (8-4) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (9-3)

115.38 – 112.00

A matchup that could end up playing a huge role in deciding the top of the playoff standings (and thus the whole postseason) came down to the final seconds of Monday night. What more can you ask for at this point in the season? If you’re Dixie Normous, the answer is probably “Russell Wilson suffering a torn ACL before that last offensive play.” Nick was holding onto a slim lead going into Monday, one that should’ve been larger. While he started strong thanks to great Thanksgiving efforts from Dak Prescott (25 points) and Daniel Carlson (21 points), Nick had some major disappointments from guys like Mike Evans, T.J. Watt, and Dallas Goedert. Good efforts from Austin Ekeler (15 points) and Darrel Henderson (13 points) helped a bit, but Yea baby! stuck around (despite their own poor showings) thanks to Cordarrelle Patterson (21 points), Deebo Samuel (19 points), and Jaylen Waddle (19 points). Alex Collins’ goose egg kept things interesting, but Wilson (19 points) did barely enough at the very end to give Arik the win.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-5) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (6-6)

137.22 – 128.88

For the first time in Epic League history, Dad is actually correct with his favorite excuse for losing. Sleeping Giants put up the second-highest point total of the week (more than ten points higher than the next best), yet lost because the Krispy Kritters put up the most points. Dad has one man to thank for his misery — Leonard Fournette (37 points), who approached Jonathan Taylor levels of dominance. Richard really had a three-headed attack, led by Fournette, the Dolphins defense (23 points), and Justin Herbert (21 points). Throw in nice days by Lavonte David and Rob Gronkowski to make up for Nyheim Hines’ goose edd and Richard laid down the gauntlet. Dad had a more balanced attack, led by Eli Mitchell (22 points) and Nick Folk (21 points) and flanked by Adam Thielen (18 points), Tony Pollard (13 points), and Dawson Knox (15 points). However, Cam Newton’s poor effort meant Dad was only ahead by a slim margin going into Monday. All Tyler Lockett had to do was catch a few passes to get Richard the win.

THREE EYED RAVENS (5-7) DEF. PLEASE GOD WIN (6-6)

115.00 – 78.20

Three Eyed Ravens are a freight train from hell — they’re going straight up the ass of the competition. Their latest victims: Please God Win, who simply did not have the will to win this past weekend. Things started out strong for Kyle, who got a major return to form from Josh Allen (28 points). But it was mostly downhill from there. Only Damien Harris and Davante Adams even reached double digits. Chris Godwin, Evan Engram, and Dustin Hopkins did basically nothing, while Kyle became the second straight fantasy football manager to lose the services of Christian McCaffrey before the end of the season. All of this opened the door for Ewing, who instead smashed it and the surrounding wall to pieces. Joe Mixon (28 points) canceled out Allen’s production, Mark Andrews (16 points) did magic for Ewing’s real life team, and the Patriots defense (14 points) took advantage of a depleted Titans squad. Ewing began 1-7, but four straight wins and convincing efforts have him knocking on the door of the playoffs.

49ERS (10-2) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-6)

113.74 – 57.56

Naturally, in a matchup between the team that broke the single-week scoring record and the team that came within a point of tying the record, one of those teams fails to top 60 points. That, not surprisingly, was Footballdamus, who changes between good and bad like the ball changes hands between the Ravens and Browns (more on that later). For one of the few times all year, Josh Jacobs (17 points) was as productive as advertised. Unfortunately, Jacobs was the only player to top double-digits for Riaz. Nick Chubb, Kyle Pitts, Mike Williams, and D.K. Metcalf were nonfactors, while Jalen Hurts failed to start what should’ve been a quite productive stretch. It probably wouldn’t have been enough to top 49ers. Aaron Rodgers (26 points) toed his way into action, while Javonte Williams (17 points), Jonathan Taylor (15 points), Dalton Schultz (12 points), and the Buccaneers defense (12 points) would have beaten Riaz just by themselves. Gee seems to be on cruise control on the path to securing the top seed for the postseason.

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (6-6) DEF. JOP SUEY!!! (1-11)

90.34 – 75.10

While I was enjoying a nice Thanksgiving meal, Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell was ensuring I had a stressful weekend, even while playing Jop Suey!!! Of my Turkey Day players, only Stefon Diggs (14 points) performed well, with D’Andre Swift getting hurt before doing anything. Things weren’t helped by disappointing days from Tom Brady and Hunter Henry. Fortunately, D.J. Moore kept up his form (and didn’t make me regret benching Hunter Renfrow [13 points]), while A.J. Dillion (15 points) and Darius Leonard (16 points) made my score respectable. Also fortunately for me, Taylor’s lineup didn’t exactly take advantage. Matt Ryan was even worse than Brady, while only Jason Sanders went into double-digits on Sunday. George Kittle, Rashod Bateman, and Jerry Jeudy were all greatly disappointing. Antonio Gibson (16 points) pulled his own weight on Monday, but his effort was too little, too late to save Taylor. All Taylor can do is look at Odell Beckham, Jr. (14 points) and Myles Gaskin (17 points) on his bench and wonder “what if?”.

WELL DAMN (5-7) DEF. HOG WILD (3-9)

104.48 – 62.62

Going into this matchup, both Well Damn and Hog Wild’s championship chances were basically on the line. But in the battle of bad luck, it turns out Jimmy’s is much worse than Chriss’. Out of everyone in Jimmy’s lineup, only Ezekiel Elliott managed to breach the double-digit mark — and that was by less than a point. Ryan Tannehill could do nothing with the depleted Titans offense, Ja’Marr somehow missed out on the Bengals blitz against Pittsburgh, which also left Jimmy’s Steelers defense. Darren Waller and Denzel Perryman got injured. Nothing went right for Jimmy, which was good news for Chriss. Matt Stafford (22 points) returned to form, while Justin Tucker (13 points) and Kendrick Bourne (18 points) combined to nearly beat Jimmy on their own. The rest of Chriss’ lineup was not spectacular, yet only Devin Singletary failed to surpass five points. It was enough to get Chriss above 100 points and much more than enough to get the win. While Chriss’ playoff hopes are still alive, Jimmy’s 2021 season is officially in the bin.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (10-2)*
2. Dixie Normous (9-3)*
3. Yea baby! (8-4)*
4. The Krispy Kritters (7-5)
5. Sleeping Giants (6-6)
6. Please God Win (6-6)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (6-6)
8. Footballdamus (6-6)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (5-7)
10. Well Damn (5-7)
11. Hog Wild (3-9)e
12. Jop Suey!!! (1-11)e

* = clinched playoff spot

e = eliminated

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. 49ers (1464.40)
2. Dixie Normous (1450.24)
3. Yea baby! (1319.18)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1264.68)
5. Sleeping Giants (1252.68)
6. Please God Win (1250.72)
7. Three Eyed Ravens (1213.10)
8. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (1212.98)
9. Hog Wild (1187.88)
10. Well Damn (1187.22)
11. Footballdamus (1166.80)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1014.90)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: One week after Jonathan Taylor made himself king of the RBs, we nearly got a similar performance from Leonard Fournette. With 37 points, Fournette transformed a good day from Richard into the highest-scoring effort of the week. In fact, had Fournette failed to get 30 points, Richard would have lost. Every single TD was necessary to allow Richard to get the victory.

WORST: Leonard Fournette’s massive day might have been for naught had Dad gotten even an average output from his QB. With Pat Mahomes on the sidelines, Dad turned to Cam Newton, who reminded everyone why he wasn’t on a roster at the start of the season by failing to even get double-digit points. Even the inconsistent Mahomes probably would have done better than that.

TRANSACTION

BEST: Once again, I’m slightly grasping for straws when it comes to positive transactions. But looking at Dad’s lineup, it seems he wouldn’t have gotten close to getting his heart broken without Nick Folk, who Dad added in favor of Tyler Conklin. Folk put up 21 points — an incredible amount for a K — and gave Dad a big boost in points that definitely ended up being worth the move.

WORST: It wouldn’t have made a difference in the overall outcome, but Jimmy put together one more bad transaction to honor his elimination. Looking to play the matchup, Jimmy added the Steelers defense, who got fucking anhilated to the tune of a goose egg. The player Jimmy cut to add Pittsburgh — Jarvis Landry — ended up being a solid contributor to Dad’s close loss as well.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: Consider this an extension of the “best transaction” award. In need of a DeAndre Hopkins replacement, Chriss picked up a somehow not used Kendrick Bourne, who put up a stellar 18 points. This doesn’t get the transaction award because Chriss would’ve won had he done nothing and a K getting 21 points is better than a WR getting 18, but it’s still worth acknowledging as well.

WORST: Anytime you lose by three points, your lineup decisions will get scrutinized, fairly or not. In Nick’s case, two players — J.D. McKissic (17 points) and Bobby Wagner (13 points) — stand out as ones he would’ve loved to have in his lineup. Should he have played them over Melvin Gordon and Bobby Wagner, respectively? In hindsight, yes. In foresight… I’ll let you be the judge of that.

LUCK

BEST: Obviously I’m far from experiencing this myself, but I imagine there’s a bit of luck with getting engaged. Once Ewing conquered that realm, he transformed into a fucking monster. In the four weeks since Ewing became a fiance, he’s been legitimately the best team in the league, fighting his way back into the playoff race. Ewing will need more luck to complete the comeback.

WORST: Dad has to get this award — anytime you score the second-most points of the week and lose because you play the highest-scoring team, that’s exceptionally shitty luck. But Nick also has to get this award for how he lost. Nick should’ve lost earlier, but Russell Wilson and Alex Collins did poorly enough to keep Nick in the lead until 15 seconds left, before snatching away the win.

IN MEMORIAM

HOG WILD (JIMMY)

If you look at Hog Wild’s lineup, you’ll find one that on paper shouldn’t be the second-worst in the league. But inconsistency and bad luck struck Jimmy at the worst times. Through the first four weeks Jimmy was 2-2 and had topped triple-digits each week. He then proceeded to tally two of his Top 3 point totals so far, only to lose both times in some exceptionally poor luck. After a win over pre-engaged Ewing, the wheels totally came off the wagon, as Jimmy lost five straight (and seven of eight) to fall out of contention. Why did this happen? Key early contributors like Ezekiel Elliott, Amari Cooper, Russell Wilson, Chase Claypool, and James Robinson either got injured or faded as the season went on. Mid-round picks like Sony Michel, Robert Tonyan, and Marquez Callaway never panned out. Late moves like cutting the Patriots defense and trading Wilson for Ryan Tannehill didn’t pay off. Even a name change couldn’t turn things around. In the end, Jimmy has to simply chalk this up as “one of those years.” At least has Notre Dame to root for… oh wait. 

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… this fucking tea — wait what?

WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS OFFENSE DURING THE PAST THREE WEEKS?!?!?

(whistle) PENALTY — UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT — 15 YARDS

I don’t know what the hell happened — was it the fact that playing on short rest means worse defense? Was it the fact that Dallas was without Demarcus Lawrence and Randy Gregory (not to mention Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb)? Was it simply that the Cowboys were overrated (who loses to the Denver Broncos like that?) and coming off one of their worst performances ever against the Kansas City Chiefs? In their prior three games, Las Vegas scored 43 total points. They dropped 36 on Thanksgiving. Somehow, the Raiders offense finally sprung back to life — just in time for the defense to buckle and this game to go full blown insane.

(whistle) PENALTY — PASS INTERFERENCE — SPOT OF THE FOUL

For the first time since the Henry Ruggs incident, Las Vegas’ offense actually looked good. Derek Carr was hitting his targets and — even after Darren Waller left injured (please oh please be okay) — the WRs actually stepped up. I did nazi DeSean Jackson having his first big impact game here, but he made several important catches. Hunter Renfrow reappeared after conveniently going absent while I was in town. Even Zay Jones came to play. Bryan Edwards was pretty much the only one to not do anything today. While Josh Jacobs once again failed to top 100 yards on the ground, he came through with several big runs (especially in OT) and got back into the end zone. The defensive performance does concern me, especially since Dallas still went off despite being without their two best WRs. But honestly they’ve been playing well enough to have earned a break from my wrath. Then of course you have the man of the hour — Daniel Motherfucking Carlson, who went 5/5, set a new personal record by kicking a 56-yard FG, then came through in the clutch despite whatever the hell that ending of OT was.

(whistle) PENALTY — HOLDING — TEN YARDS

Of course, I’m amazed anyone could make out what was happening with all the laundry on the field. 28 penalties in one game. TWENTY-EIGHT!!! Those were just the ones that were accepted. Now, I will say — a surprising amount of those calls went in the Raiders’ favor, including the Waller fumble that wasn’t (I would’ve been pissed had the roles been reversed) and the pass interference in OT (a correct call, BTW). I’m not going to say there was a bias towards Las Vegas for three reasons. 1: the total number of calls was split down the middle at 14 apiece. 2: what the living fuck was that penalty against Andre James that prevented Las Vegas from icing the game at the end of regulation? 3: we’re talking about the Raiders? When the hell have the referees ever showed any sort of favoritism towards the Raiders? Do you know how much the NFL has historically hated and held the Raiders back on and off the field? If a couple of calls went the Raiders’ way, so what? Any sort of advantage with the officials is at least several decades overdue. Don’t blame the officials for this result, Richard. Your boys lost. Suck it.

(whistle) PENALTY — TAUNTING — 15 YARDS

So, what now? Against all odds, the season is technically still alive. Up next is a long rest that will hopefully see the Raiders (especially Waller) get healthy. Then it’s the Washington Football Team in Las Vegas, which might be our next best chance at a win (depending on how you feel about the Broncos and Cleveland Browns). The AFC is wide fucking open (the entire AFC West is above .500 right now). In theory, there’s still a chance.

(whistle) PENALTY — FALSE START — FIVE YARDS

Don’t do it. Don’t give me hope.

STAT OF THE WEEK

That was one of the best worst football games I’ve ever seen. It was like the Ravens and Browns were trying to lose, with Cleveland using their vast experience to get the edge over Baltimore. That was the real life equivalent of the Riaz-Richard matchup a couple of weeks ago. The fact that the Ravens are now technically the No. 1 seed in the AFC is all you need to know about how wild and unpredictable the NFL is this year. Enjoy this until the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl again and begin another dynasty.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 2, 1985, one of the most anticipated regular season games in NFL history saw one of the greatest football teams ever turn mortal. Everything had come together for the Chicago Bears, whose offense finally became capable of allowing their legendary defense to turn in one of the most dominant seasons ever. Behind that dominant defense, the Bears stormed out to a 12-0 record, with their last three victories coming by a combined score of 104-3. But Week 13 was Chicago’s toughest test — a trip to Miami to face defending MVP Dan Marino and the reigning AFC champion Dolphins. While they were just 8-4, the Dolphins were as dangerous as ever and had extra motivation. Miami’s 1972 team was the only unbeaten team in NFL history and Dolphins fans packed the Orange Bowl to cheer on their team and help protect their franchise’s honor. In a game Mike Singletary would later describe as “like a nightmare,” seemingly everything went wrong for the Bears, who were forced to start Steve Fuller due to an injury to Jim McMahon. Turns out, Marino was one of the few QBs capable of figuring out the Bears defense, being quick enough to get rid of the ball before Chicago could apply pressure and having WRs capable of creating separation off the line of scrimmage. 

Marino’s precision passing — combined with mistakes by Fuller and a blocked punt late in the 2nd quarter — helped the Dolphins storm out to a 31-10 halftime lead. Chicago was so frustrated that head coach Mike Ditka and defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan reportedly got into a fight in the locker room. The second half began with three straight turnovers and a Bears TD to cut the lead to 31-17, only for lady luck to intervene. A pass from Marino deflected off Dan Hampton’s helmet, went over Mike Richardson, and landed in the hands of Mark Clayton, who coasted in for the 42-yard TD. That would be the final nail in the coffin, as Miami ended Chicago’s bid for perfection with a 38-24 victory. That victory would be part of a seven-game winning streak for Miami to end the regular season. However, the Dolphins would be upset in the AFC title game by the New England Patriots. Waiting for them in Super Bowl XX were the Bears who, undeterred by the loss to Miami (they even recorded “The Super Bowl Shuffle” the day after the game), won out to finish 15-1 and won their first two playoff games by a combined score of 45-0. They would more than double their point total against New England, as the Bears smacked the Patriots 46-10 to win their first Super Bowl and complete one of the greatest seasons in NFL history. However, Miami at least still has the only perfect season ever.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MOST MEMORABLE COLD WEATHER GAMES

Over the weekend, I drove up to Mt. Shasta to visit my grandparents. I used to visit all the time as a kid, but I hadn’t been in at least six years. However, my grandparents’ health (particularly that of my grandfather) is declining, so I figured I should go up while I had the chance. While it had been a while since I went to Mt. Shasta, it had been even longer since I was there during winter. Put it this way — many homes don’t have air conditioning because it doesn’t get warm enough even during the summer. But they certainly have heaters — Mt. Shasta is fucking cold. It didn’t even snow or storm during my time there, but I still had to wear multiple layers due to how frigid it was. 

That got me thinking — now would be the perfect excuse to have a Top 10 list about the most memorable cold weather games, after the heavy rain earlier this year led to me doing a Top 10 on the most memorable wet weather games. For this list, “cold weather” refers to games that were notable for the amount of snow that fell on the ground or the extremely low temperatures during the game. Also, when referring to degrees, I’m talking about Fahrenheit, not Celcius. We live in America, with its antiquated measuring systems, after all.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE SNOW GLOBE GAME

Fittingly, we begin at Lambeau Field. In the Divisional Round of the 2007-08 playoffs, the Green Bay Packers hosted the Seattle Seahawks in what would become known as the Snow Globe Game. Weirdly, it didn’t start out snowy — it was cold but dry as the Seahawks stormed out to a surprising 14-0 lead in the 1st quarter. But then a few flakes began to fall, with the Packers offense coincidentally starting to respond. As the snow got rougher, Green Bay got better. At the end of the day, the snow-covered Packers advanced to the NFC title game with a 42-20 victory.

HONORABLE MENTION: A COLD & BITTER END

The very next week, the Green Bay Packers were back home for their first playoff game against the New York Giants since 1962. While there wasn’t any snow, mother nature made up for it by dropping the temperature down to -1 degrees, with a -23 degree wind chill. Tom Coughlin became the face of the weather reaction thanks to his face — which was as red as a tomato due to the cold. The game was also Brett Favre’s last as a Packer, with his last pass being an INT on OT that led to a game-winning FG, as the Giants won 23-20 to advance to Super Bowl XLII.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE BLAIR MISS PROJECT

While U.S. Bank Stadium was being completed, the Minnesota Vikings had to play at TCF Bank Stadium — an outdoor facility. The Vikings’ last game there was the 2015-16 Wild Card matchup against the Seattle Seahawks. Despite Bud Grant dressing like he was heading for a round of golf, the temperature was -6 degrees, making it the third-coldest game in NFL history. While the Vikings couldn’t find the end zone, three Blair Walsh FGs kept them in it. Down 10-9 with just 22 seconds left, Walsh’s fourth attempt — a 27-yarder — went wide, as Seattle held on for the win.

HONORABLE MENTION: FUCK YOU

Whenever the topic of conversation turns to notable bad weather or cold games in NFL history, a certain game between the Oakland Raiders and New England Patriots is often brought up. It happened during the 2001-02 playoffs and is defined by a certain play that should’ve been ruled a turnover, but instead wasn’t, with the Patriots later winning the game and then Super Bowl XXXVI. I am not going to talk about that game, simply because fuck you. It was a completely bullshit call that gets glossed over because Tom Brady won and the Raiders lust. Again, fuck you.

10. THE SNOWPLOW GAME

Of course, the above robbery wasn’t the first time the New England Patriots had won a game on a FG thanks to referees looking the other way. The night before a 1982 battle between the Patriots and Miami Dolphins, heavy rains soaked Schaefer Stadium’s Astroturf surface. The field froze over in the New England winter, which made things worse by throwing in heavy snowfall during the game. As a result, neither offense could get anything going. With under five minutes left in the scoreless game, Patriots coach Ron Meyer had an idea. He told snowplow operator Mark Henderson — a convict on work release — to clear a line for a measurement, but also clear a spot for K John Smith to kick. Henderson did just that, Smith made the kick, and New England won 3-0. Afterwards, Dolphins coach Don Shula tried to get commissioner Pete Rozelle to overturn the result, citing the NFL’s unfair act. While Rozelle said the snowplow gave the Patriots an unfair advantage, he had never reversed a result and would not do so for any reason.

9. SNOW-VERTIME

While Lambeau Field gets the headlines when it comes to cold and snowy weather, Highmark Stadium — home of the Buffalo Bills — is often slept on. Buffalo gets buried under snow in the winter, largely due to its proximity to Lake Erie (and Lake Ontario), resulting in lake-effect snow. That kind of heavy powder once postponed a Bills game against the New York Jets in 2014. But when the Indianapolis Colts came to town in 2017, the game went on despite 16.7 inches of snow falling during the day (half of that alone fell during the game). Strong winds created even worse conditions on the field, where players and coaches had a tough time seeing who was next to them. At one point, both teams used timeouts just to clear snow for their Ks. The conditions ruined the passing game, with both RBs dominating. Even so, the game went to OT with 14 combined points. LeSean McCoy ended things with a TD run with less than two minutes to play, giving the Bills a 13-7 win that would be vital to Buffalo snapping its postseason drought. 

8. ONE COLD COMEBACK

That blizzard in Buffalo wasn’t the first time LeSean McCoy scorched a field covered in snow. In 2013, McCoy and the Philadelphia Eagles hosted the Detroit Lions in a rare game where both teams were fighting for a playoff spot. What made this game ever rarer was the metric shit ton of snow that fell during the game, creating problems for both offenses. One one kick that wasn’t a punt was even attempted (a blocked extra point). Detroit fumbled the ball seven times, losing three of them (two of those came during their first three drives). But the Eagles still couldn’t get anything going. The Lions led 8-0 at halftime and 14-6 going into the 4th quarter, which turned out to be batshit insane. A 40-yard TD run by McCoy gave way to a Lions kick return for a TD, which gave way to a 57-yard McCoy TD. Philadelphia scored 28 points in the final frame to cap a 34-20 comeback win. In addition to being in one of the coolest (pun intended) NFL photos ever, McCoy finished with 217 rushing yards, breaking the Eagles single-game record. 

7. MADE FOR TV

That Philadelphia Eagles rushing record LeSean McCoy broke in 2013 belonged to Steve Van Buren, who took part in the next cold weather game on this list. The 1948 NFL Championship was the league’s first title game to be televised, with a rematch of last year’s matchup between the Eagles and Chicago Cardinals. Naturally, the game had to be delayed half an hour due to heavy snow that hit Shibe Park hard. In fact, the fallen snow made the tarp that covered the field so heavy that the grounds crew needed help from players on both teams to remove it. The snow covered so much of the field that three extra officials had to be brought in to help with out of bounds calls. The offense suffered greatly — both teams combined for five completions for 23 yards and zero points for the first 58 minutes. It took a Cardinals fumble in their own territory to set up Van Buren, whose five-yard TD with 1:05 to play gave Philadelphia the title with a 7-0 win. This game remains the second-lowest scoring playoff game in NFL history — fantastic television!

6. HAY NOW!

Three years before the Philly Blizzard, another NFL title game went into the record books for its cold weather madness. The 1945 NFL Championship Game between the Cleveland Rams and Washington Redskins went beyond cold. The temperature at game time was -8 degrees — a record at the time for an NFL title game. The chilly weather led to fans — and even players on the sidelines — bundled up to the point where they covered themselves in hay that was on the Cleveland Stadium sidelines to try to keep warm. However, the frigid weather wasn’t the only reason this game went down in history. In the 1st quarter, a Sammy Baugh pass hit the goal post (which at the time was on the goal line) and bounced on the ground. Under the rules at the time, the play was ruled a safety for the home squad. Cleveland would go on to win 15-14. The rule would later be changed to declare a pass that hits the post incomplete. This was also the last game in Cleveland for the Rams, who bolted for the much warmer confines of Los Angeles.

5. NO-SHOW IN THE SNOW

There have been a handful of games in NFL history that have seen enough powder to be given the nickname “Snow Bowl.” But the one that finishes highest on this list is the one that caused one of the most unlikely sights the league has ever seen. Packers fans have always packed Lambeau Field on game day, no matter the weather (including games that have been and will be on this list). However, things were different in 1985, when a foot of snow fell before a game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (around five more fell during the game). The visitors — from a warm home and even wearing all white — stood no chance, as the Packers rolled to a 21-0 win. However, not too many people were there to see it. The attendance at Lambeau was barely over 19,000, with more than 36,000 people (the game was sold out well in advance) not showing up,  making it the biggest no-show in Packers history. This was also Steve Young’s second game in the NFL — he finished with just 53 passing yards, threw an INT, and was sacked five times.

4. RED RIGHT 88

While this game is often brought up in terms of Browns collapses or iconic Raiders moments, not everyone remembers that it was played in absolutely frigid conditions. The 1980-81 Divisional playoff matchup between Cleveland and Oakland was played in weather at just 4 degrees, making it the coldest NFL game since the top contest on this list (no spoilers). The Raiders offense was all about speed, which was negated due Cleveland Stadium’s frozen field. Still, Cleveland missed some chances and Oakland did enough to hold a two-point lead with just a few minutes left. However, the Browns had one more drive and battled their way down to the 13-yard line in the final minute. Browns coach Sam Rutigliano decided to take one shot at the end zone, telling Brian Sipe to “throw it into Lake Erie” if no one was open. Instead, Sipe tried to find Ozzie Newsome, only for Mike Davis (RIP) to step in front and record the INT. That sealed the 14-12 victory for the Raiders, who would roll all the way to a Super Bowl XV victory.

3. LEON LETT’S GAFFE

Leon Lett made two of the dumbest plays in NFL history. The first — slowing down before scoring late in Super Bowl XXVII and getting the ball knocked loose by Don Beebe — didn’t impact the end result of the game. That wasn’t the case ten years later, when Lett’s 7-3 Dallas Cowboys hosted the 8-2 Miami Dolphins on Thanksgiving of 1993. It was an unusual day — a rare snow and sleet storm turned the Texas Stadium field into a snow-covered sheet. In an important game for playoff position, Dallas led 14-13 with just 15 seconds left. Miami had a FG attempt, but Pete Stoyanovich’s kick was blocked. As the Cowboys celebrated and the ball rolled towards the end zone, Lett tried to recover it, only to slip and knock it forward. Miami recovered in the end zone, allowing them to get the ball back at the one-yard-line. Had Lett done nothing, Dallas would’ve won. Instead, the Dolphins got a second chance and converted, winning 16-14. Lett ultimately got off the hook again, as the Cowboys won Super Bowl XXVII.

2. THE FREEZER BOWL

In the 1981-82 Divisional Round, the San Diego Chargers outlasted the Miami Dolphins in an 88 degree game that became known as the Epic in Miami. The following week, the Chargers went to Cincinnati for an AFC Championship Game played in much, much different conditions. The air temperature at Riverfront Stadium was a chilly -9 degrees. However, an insane wind chill brought the thermostat down to an inhuman -59 degrees. That, not surprisingly, is the coldest game in NFL history in terms of wind chill. Seriously, look at this shit. That’s a 147 degree difference in just one week. This game was also notable as one of the few to have the same team kick off to start both halves. The Bengals won the toss and elected to kick with the wind at their backs. San Diego opted to receive the kickoff to start the second half, so Cincinnati kicked in the same direction. The decision would prove vital for the Bengals, who survived the elements to win 27-7. Interestingly, Bengals coach Forrest Gregg had played in a game that was pretty much as cold.  

1. THE ICE BOWL

That game was the Ice Bowl — Forrest Gregg was an OT for the Green Bay Packers during the 1967 NFL Championship Game against the Dallas Cowboys. The game time temperature was -15 degrees, with an average wind chill of -48 degrees. It was so cold that the college marching band that was supposed to perform at the game didn’t — the woodwind instruments froze and wouldn’t play, the mouthpieces of brass instruments got stuck to players’ lips, and seven band members were hospitalized with hypothermia. Many Packers players were unable to start their cars due to the cold, so they had to get rides to the stadium. To make matters worse, Vince Lombardi’s new turf heating system malfunctioned, effectively turning the turf to ice. Referee Norm Schachter’s lips got stuck to his whistle during the opening kickoff — the blood didn’t scab, but rather froze to his lip. Somehow, an absolutely epic football game unfolded, with Bart Starr scoring on a QB sneak with 16 seconds remaining to give the Packers the 21-17 victory.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

SLEEPING GIANTS (6-6) VS. PLEASE GOD WIN (6-6)

No matter what, the playoff field will not be finalized until next weekend. That’s because of this matchup, with the loser between Sleeping Giants and Please God Win being forced to fight for their lives. Dad will be looking to let off some steam, after playing literally the only person who could have beaten him last week. Kyle meanwhile has to deal with the permanent loss of Christian McCaffrey and the temporary loss of Davante Adams. Can a returning Pat Mahomes be enough to carry Dad? Maybe not — if his TDs go to Travis Kelce and thus help out Kyle.

YEA BABY! (8-4) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-7)

Three Eyed Ravens have by no exaggeration been the best team in the league over the past month. So close to completing an incredible turnaround, Ewing can’t afford a setback now. But in front of him stands Yea baby!, which looks to continue its own amazing stretch of play (just once loss in Arik’s last nine games). Arik may also get a boost in production from Alexander Mattison, taking over for an injured Dalvin Cook. Ewing meanwhile will be relying on an enemy (Joe Mixon) and a friend (Lamar Jackson). Monday night will see Arik and Ewing’s defenses face off as well.

DIX NORMOUS (9-3) VS. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (6-6)

Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell needs at least one more win to make the playoffs, although I stand less of a chance to get it done this week. Despite their recent slide, Dixie Normous remains one of the best teams in the league, with the likes of Dak Prescott, Cooper Kupp, Austin Ekeler, Mike Evans, and Tyreek Hill. Plus, Nick’s been looking for revenge since I defeated him (before beating Nick was cool). Meanwhile, I have to go into this tense affair without either D.J. Moore or A.J. Dillon due to super late bye weeks (D’Andre Swift will also likely be out with an injury).

49ERS (10-2) VS. WELL DAMN (5-7)

Of all the playoff hopefuls, Well Damn is on the shakiest ground. While Chriss can’t be eliminated with a loss, that result would put him in dire straits. Unfortunately for him, his opponent this week just happens to be 49ers, back in 1st place and looking to remain that way (certain results would give Gee the No. 1 seed). Both of these guys will be missing key players in Aaron Rodgers (Gee) and Dalvin Cook (Chriss). However, Gee does have replacement Kirk Cousins going against the Lions. If Matt Stafford doesn’t have his shit together, Chriss could be in for a long, painful time.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (6-6) VS. HOD WILD (3-9)

Footballdamus is one of the teams in the thick of this playoff race. Fortunately for Riaz, he’s in one of the easiest matchups he could’ve asked for. Hog Wild has already been eliminated and will be without the services of Ryan Tannehill this week. Sure, Jimmy does have Ezekiel Elliott, Ja’Marr Chase, James Robinson, and Chase Claypool. But he’s had them all year and he’s 3-9. Riaz however doesn’t have a clear path forward. Nick Chubb is on a bye and the rest of his lineup has been in great boom or bust form all year. This will be a rout or a nail-biter — ugly either way. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-5) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (1-11)

Of all the teams yet to clinch a playoff spot, the Krispy Kritters are easily in the most comfortable spot. Not only is Richard at least a game ahead of the others, but will earn his postseason invite with just one more win. Fortunately for him, he’s playing the team literally everyone has beaten. Jop Suey!!! does have one thing to fight for — one more loss would clinch Taylor’s incredible first to worst freefall. But given the state of the team and the overall quality of his opponent, any sort of resistance to not finishing in dead last this season is futile. Richard should punch his ticket.

ONE LAST THING

Kept you waiting, huh? It’s one of the first things I learned as a producer — put one of your most teaseable stories at the end of your show, so everyone will have to keep watching to see it.

So Nick posed an interesting question to the group yesterday — if the NFL were to expand and add six new teams, where would they play? I opted to round my answer up to eight teams because logically it makes more sense — 40 is a neater number than can be more easily and evenly divided. It also adds an extra challenge — each one of these new teams will be placed in a current division. All of these have to fit in geographically as best as they can. I’ll be factoring in everything from proximity to other cities with an NFL team (grabbing a new market), the size of and attractions already in those cities, and whether or not putting a team will be feasible. 

Let’s start with the easiest crop to choose from — cities that have recently lost an NFL team. These cities have — at least in the past — proven that they can handle hosting an NFL team and are full of football fans who want something to cheer for. However, two of them are off my list for several reasons. Oakland only really made sense for the Raiders — the tough, gritty, quite frankly terrifying to be present in vibe the city gave off was perfect for the team. Plus, the Warriors have also left and it looks like the Athletics will soon follow suit. Oakland has to get its shit together before we can start thinking about adding another team. Then there’s San Diego. There are so many reasons why this city can be a good host for a team. But the only real factor that matters is the venue. Qualcomm Stadium (when it was still standing) was a shithole to rival the Coliseum. The unwillingness of residents to pay for a new stadium (and rightfully so) saw that fuckhead Dean Spanos pack up the Chargers and move. Given that the Qualcomm site is now being used to build Aztec Stadium (which won’t be up to NFL standards), it would be highly unlikely that a new stadium could be built elsewhere with private funds. Also, even though San Diego is not the same as Los Angeles, everyone just lumps the two together as “SoCal,” meaning any new team in San Diego will be competing with two just an hour north on I-5.

No, there’s really only one former NFL city with a realistic shot at getting a new team.

ST. LOUIS

I’m much more willing to give St. Louis the benefit of the doubt for losing the Rams because Stan Kroenke is a piece of shit. Yes, the Dome at America’s Center will need to be either upgraded or replaced entirely. But St. Louis is already putting together a new soccer-specific stadium for St. Louis City SC of MLS. Missouri fans still care about football — the Battlehawks of the XFL led the league in attendance in terms of average per game (28,541), highest overall game (29,554), and total (57,081) despite playing one fewer game than half the league. St. Louis was also competing with cities like Los Angeles, Seattle, New York City, Houston, and Dallas during that time. This new St. Louis team would be placed in the NFC North due to overall proximity and Midwest-ness.

With our gimme out of the way, we have to get creative. What cities that have never had a modern NFL team could make one work? To narrow it down, we have to look at what markets are available. For this, we have to think about both size and location. While market size certainly is a huge factor, there’s only so many bites you can take of even the juiciest apple. 

Let’s look at some examples. Orlando is the 17th largest market in the country and the biggest without an NFL team. But the city as a whole is kind of a shithole and only meant to attract people to Disney World. The city’s two major teams — the Magic and Orlando City FC — have their own issues. Plus, there are already three NFL teams in Florida. Three teams in one state, let alone part of the same state, is pushing it. Four would be too much for everyone but California and even then it’s a stretch. The only California city I haven’t mentioned that can realistically think about hosting an NFL team is Sacramento (a Top 20 market). But fucking hell we can’t even get an MLS expansion taken care of. How the hell will lobbying for an NFL team work? That would also technically infringe on San Francisco’s market (as you know, there are so many goddamn 49ers fans here). You could make the argument for cities like Raleigh, Memphis, or Columbus. But those have barely been able to support one team at the most and are not from states that typically see more than one big major sports team. The NFL wouldn’t gamble on cities like that. Taking advantage of a market that’s never been picked before is more appealing. Of these next five cities, only one is in a state that currently has an NFL team. 

PORTLAND

For some reason, Portland never gets brought up in these kinds of expansion discussions. But it’s a large, quality city that’s screaming for new blood. Portland is just below Sacramento as the 21st biggest TV market (and the third-largest without an NFL team). It has the capacity to support multiple major sports franchises, with the Trail Blazers and especially the Timbers being among the most fiercely supported teams in their respective leagues. It would also help the NFL finally get a permanent foothold in Oregon. Plus, that new team would instantly have a major hatred with the Seahawks, allowing the NFL to take advantage of the legendary Portland-Seattle rivalry. All of those reasons are why Portland would make perfect sense as a member of the NFC West.

SALT LAKE CITY

Like Portland, Salt Lake City is a major Western market (Top 30) that has proven it can support multiple sports franchises — the Jazz and Real Salt Lake. Like Portland, it’s pretty much the only city in its state that can host an NFL team and would instantly sweep up the surrounding fans. Granted, there are some… off-field reasons why playing in Utah could present some issues (drinking laws, the whole extreme Mormonism thing). But sports fans can still be quite passionate in Salt Lake City (just ask the Chicago Bulls during their NBA Finals battles with the Jazz). Salt Lake City would also be a logical addition to the AFC West, serving as a bit of a bridge between Kansas City and Denver, while also echoing Las Vegas in signalling a more Mountain Time focus.

SAN ANTONIO

Just falling out of the Top 30 market rankings is San Antonio, which is the only city on this list besides St. Louis in a state that already has an NFL team. But Texas only has two — the Texans and Cowboys — and has plenty of football love left over to support a third team. San Antonio meanwhile has proven its great love and support for the Spurs and can easily take on another team, especially an NFL one. The city once hosted the Saints following Hurricane Katrina and has hosted Cowboys and Oilers preseason camps. Plus, San Antonio is the largest majority-Hispanic city in the country — talk about a market to tap into. The most logical spot for a San Antonio team to be is the AFC South. It’s good geographically and breeds a rivalry with Houston.

OKLAHOMA CITY

Texas may get the headlines when it comes to football fandom in the Southwest, but Oklahoma is right on that same level. An extremely competitive high school football scene gives way to a Sooners-led college fandom. Unlike in other college-dominated states like Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas, I believe the NFL could work in Oklahoma. There’s no better spot in the state for that team than Oklahoma City, the most prominent city and home to the Thunder, which has consistently gotten fantastic support from fans since being ripped away from Seattle. I would put an Oklahoma City NFL team in the NFC East, as weird as that sounds, for one major reason: its proximity to Dallas. The Texas-Oklahoma rivalry would add a new chapter featuring the Cowboys.

LOUISVILLE

While Louisville may not seem like the sexiest name on this list (it is in Kentucky after all), the city has a tremendous sports history. The home of Muhammad Ali (the namesake of Louisville’s airport) is also the home of the Kentucky Derby, Louisville Slugger, and the University whose Cardinals have produced NFL stars like Johnny Unitas, Otis Wilson, Tom Jackson, and Lamar Jackson. It may also not be the biggest market (49th overall), but Louisville is larger than New Orleans, Buffalo, and Green Bay. Louisville is also one of the few large cities left in that region of the country that hasn’t been taken advantage of by major pro sports. Interestingly, Louisville would fit the geography of the AFC North pretty well, with it being fairly close to Cincinnati.

For our last two cities, we have to look beyond our borders. The NFL has been keen on expanding its brand overseas to not only create new fans, but explore the possibility of having a permanent team outside of the U.S. While fandom and money are guaranteed, the logistics would also be a fucking nightmare. I didn’t mention Honolulu earlier because, in addition to being a smaller market, having a stadium that’s in a biblical state of disrepair, and natural issues that prevent an NFL team from existing there, the shortest flight to the mainland is at least five hours long. No team, especially on the East Coast, would want to make that trip during the season. It’s also why there would never be a team in London or Germany or elsewhere in Europe. It’s already a metric pain in the ass for teams taking part in one-off games to make it work. How would a team based in London fair having to make at least 16 flights (both there and back) to the U.S. in the span of a few months? Not well. But that doesn’t mean an international team can’t work. We just have to think more inside the box.

TORONTO

If any international city will be successful in hosting an NFL team, it’s Toronto. Canada’s most populous city already has several teams — the Raptors, Blue Jays, Maple Leafs, and Toronto FC — in major sports leagues along with its own football team in the CFL’s Argonauts. The city also has a proven NFL interest, having hosted several Bills games in the late 2000’s and early 2010’s. Toronto is extremely close to the U.S., with visiting fans being able to easily access it both by air and car (you just need a passport card for that one). Toronto is also one of just four North American cities to win titles in five major sports leagues (counting the CFL). Giving Toronto a shot at a Super Bowl — especially as a natural member of the AFC East — feels right and simple.

MEXICO CITY

You guys forgot about this one, didn’t you? Mexico City has not only seen its fair share of NFL games, but it was also home to the first ever regular season game played outside the U.S. The game at Estadio Azteca broke records and the NFL has been staring at that potential revenue ever since. Mexico City is fucking massive and a major cultural and economic place in the region. If it wasn’t lumped in with the rest of Mexico, the city would be the fifth-largest economy in all of Latin America. If the NFL wanted to get a piece of the huge, crazed Latin sports market, it would be wise to start in Mexico City. It would even be easy in terms of travel if a Mexico City team were placed in the NFC South — just go over the Gulf of Mexico and you’re in everyone’s backyard.

Well, that was fun, albeit a bit overdone. Let me know if you guys agree or have some different thoughts on potential NFL expansion!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness