Ruben's Writings

The newsletter era is officially reaching its end. Including this one, only five newsletters remain, which means if I want to make certain themes happen, I have to do so now or never. The problem with this is I typically don’t want to force a particular theme unless I have a reason — for example if it’s timely. One theme I have been dying to do for my sheer love of it and the endless potential for memes is Top Gear/The Grand Tour. 

Flashback to the second Pandemic newsletter I wrote last year. In it, I included a Top 10 list of shows/movies to binge watch while stuck indoors, based solely around what I like to watch. At the very top of that list was Top Gear/The Grand Tour. Both shows are up there at the very top of my favorites of all time list. I’ve been in love with the work that Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May have created over the past two decades. I know nothing about cars, but the trio have been able to captivate me with their knowledge and skill as presenters, along with being fucking hilarious. Their work has influenced my own humor and writing (the whole “tease three things that are irrelevant to the main content” thing I do after sending a newsletter was influenced by the Top Gear intros that do the same thing. I just needed things to be timely to get these shows in a newsletter.

Well, guess what’s coming next week?

That’s right, The Grand Tour‘s newest special is coming this month, validating the sole reason I have an Amazon Prime subscription. Now, you might look at the date and realize that I could’ve done this theme next week. I have two responses. 1: I have another theme that also works next week that serves as a better playoff newsletter theme. 2: shut the fuck up and enjoy the memes.

(cue theme music)

Man… this doesn’t feel right without “Jessica.”

(cue alternate theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

SLEEPING GIANTS (7-6) DEF. PLEASE GOD WIN (6-7)

81.96 – 81.90

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Eight years after Dad set a league record by edging Taylor by 0.02 points, that record is nearly broken by Sleeping Giants surviving a Please God Win comeback by just a 0.06 margin. Both Dad and Kyle knew a win would get them into playoff position but apparently both forgot and decided to play like madmen. Kyle left a hole in his lineup by not switching out an injured Kadarius Toney. But then Adam Thielen was injured before he could do anything positive for Dad. CeeDee Lamb (13 points), Tony Pollard (13 points), and Eli Mitchell (14 points) gave Dad enough of a boost, with only Chris Godwin (15 points) promising anything for Kyle. Travis Kelce didn’t do anything, but neither did Pat Mahomes, preventing Dad from putting the game away. That set up a wild Monday night where Damien Harris (17 points) drags Kyle back into it. However, Josh Allen just couldn’t complete one more pass, finishing just short from pulling off the win. Dad’s in the playoffs while Kyle’s nightmare scenario is coming to pass.

DIXIE NORMOUS (10-3) DEF. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (6-6)

104.92 – 100.02

Fuck mother nature. Fuck Buffalo. Fuck the wind. Fuck all of that bullshit that led to that chaos in the sky that turned the Bills-Patriots game into the epitome of anti-passing. Stefon Diggs was severely limited, Hunter Henry did nothing because New England literally only called three pass plays all day, and Tyler Bass missed a FG that would’ve cut into the lead and led to Buffalo only needing another FG (that would’ve won the game for me) at the end. That completely ruined an overall good week from Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell. Tom Brady (29 points) returned to form. David Montgomery (20 points) was tremendous. Van Jefferson did enough to dampen a strong day from Cooper Kupp (18 points) Dak Prescott didn’t do shit for Nick, whose lineup was solid at best and disappointing at worst. But then out fucking nowhere Dallas Goedert (22 points) has the game of his fucking life. I swear to god if I end up missing the playoffs because of Buffalo’s shitty winter weather, I will become the president of the move to relocate the Bills to Austin.

YEA BABY! (9-4) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-8)

118.56 – 90.32

After going nuclear in November and thrusting themselves right back into the playoff race, Three Eyed Ravens began December by returning to form and tallying another disappointing loss. Ironically, Ewing’s worst game in a month came despite Lamar Jackson (18 points) having his best effort in weeks. James Conner (17 points) was the only other player in Ewing’s lineup to reach double-digits. DeVonta Smith, Brandin Cooks, and Mark Andrews were all subpar, while everyone else was solid but unspectacular. That performance could’ve beaten multiple teams this week, but Ewing finally got a matchup problem. Yea baby! has been one of the most consistent teams in the league and has now all but locked themselves into the No. 3 seed. Diontae Johnson (22 points) balled out, Alexander Mattison (18 points) took advantage of Dalvin Cook’s injury, and Sony Michel (18 points) actually did something (thanks in part to Darrell Henderson’s own injury). Ewing now has just one more chance to get into the playoffs.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-6) DEF. HOG WILD (3-10)

89.06 – 58.18

Footballdamus had the second-easiest path to clinching a playoff spot and did not fuck up, easily blowing out an already eliminated Hog Wild. Riaz’s lineup was solid but far from spectacular. Josh Jacobs (15 points) finally had a good game and Mike Davis (12 points) capped a good RB effort overall. But Derek Carr was subpar, Kyle Pitts did basically nothing, and Fred Warner was somehow in the starting lineup despite an injury. Fortunately for Riaz, what might’ve been a loss against better competition was a win thanks to Jimmy’s lineup basically giving up on the season. Teddy Bridgewater was complete ass and somehow led Jimmy’s guys in scoring (only Denzel Perryman [12 points] also reached double-digits). Ezekiel Elliott, Chase Claypool, James Robinson, Ty Johnson, and Jared Cook were awful. Jimmy’s output was so bad that as a result, there’s a legitimate chance he actually ends up in last place. In a way, it’s sad that one of these teams had to win, whereas one of the following had to lose.

JOP SUEY!!! (2-11) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-6)

153.82 – 122.68

The Krispy Kritters had the easiest path to clinching a playoff spot and did not fuck up, easily blowing ou– wait a minute. RICHARD LOST TO TAYLOR?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? To be completely fair, Richard did put together the third-highest score of the week thanks to another great day from Justin Herbert (27 points), along with terrific efforts by Rob Gronkowski (17 points), Leonard Fournette (15 points), Matt Gay (15 points), and Tyler Lockett (12 points). Only two spots in Richard’s lineup produced fewer than eight points. Jop Suey!!! meanwhile heard we were all talking shit and decided to put up 153 points — more than their last two weeks combined. Kyler Murray (30 points) returned to the lineup in stride. George Kittle (30 points) went Beast Mode. The Colts defense (18 points), Antonio Gibson (17 points), Keenan Allen (17 points), and Myles Sanders (14 points) went off. Richard, what was more painful, getting your appendix removed (side note: what the fuck?) or losing to Taylor?

49ERS (11-2) DEF. WELL DAMN (5-8)

138.10 – 91.10

Well, what did you think was going to happen? In a complete shocker, the team atop the standings beat the shit out of a team on the outside looking in at the playoff race. Well Damn had a great opportunity to make up ground with Ewing’s loss. But then there’s really nothing Chriss could’ve done — 49ers were in god mode this time. Gee’s four horsemen were Justin Jefferson (24 points), Jonathan Taylor (24 points), Javonte Williams (23 points), and Kirk Cousins (20 points), who just by themselves could’ve beaten Chriss. Throw in Najee Harris, Greg Zuerlein, and the Buccaneers defense and Gee was straight up rolling over everyone. Chris at least got to see Matt Stafford (24 points) return to form and good days from the Chiefs defense (17 points) and Elijah Moore (14 points). But ultimately there were far too many holes in his lineup to be able to compete with Gee. While Chriss has to hope for a minor miracle this weekend, Gee can all but feel the mini helmet with Marshall Faulk’s signature in his hands.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (11-2)*
2. Dixie Normous (10-3)*
3. Yea baby! (9-4)*
4. The Krispy Kritters (7-6)*
5. Sleeping Giants (7-6)*
6. Footballdamus (7-6)*
7. Please God Win (6-7)
8. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (6-7)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (5-8)
10. Well Damn (5-8)
11. Hog Wild (3-10)e
12. Jop Suey!!! (2-11)e

* = clinched playoff spot

e = eliminated

The scenarios are simple. If Kyle and I win, or Ewing and Chriss lose, we’ll make the playoffs. Ewing needs to win and outscore me by ten or Kyle by 30 assuming either of us lose. Chris would need to have Ewing lose (or outscore him by 25) while outscoring me by 35 and Kyle by 56, assuming loses by both of us. Meanwhile, Arik is virtually locked into the No. 3 seed and Gee can clinch the No. 1 seed with a win (or a loss and Nick not outscoring him by 47. Incredibly, the fight to not finish last is also still alive. Taylor needs to win and for Jimmy to lose, while outscoring him by 78 points. If you don’t think that can happen, remember that it happened this past week.

THE RACE FOR MARSHALL:

1. 49ers (1602.50)
2. Dixie Normous (1555.16)
3. Yea baby! (1437.74)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1388.36)
5. Sleeping Giants (1334.64)
6. Please God Win (1332.62)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (1313.00)
8. Three Eyed Ravens (1303.42)
9. Well Damn (1278.32)
10. Footballdamus (1255.86)
11. Hod Wild (1246.06)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1168.72)

The Race for Marshall has turned into a two-man contest and barely one at that. Gee has a 47-point lead over Nick, who is the only person with a realistic shot at catching him. Regardless of how Gee performs, Nick will have to go Super Saiyan in order to catch up (that can happen — see Nick’s early season results). I’d say if Gee scores more than 105 points, he’ll clinch the helmet.

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Seemingly every week I’ve given Taylor shit — rightfully so as well. But I have to give credit when credit is due. Taylor absolutely balled the fuck out, with great contributions across the board. None of them were as surprising as George Kittle, who put up 30 points, nearly as many as his next best three performances this season –combined. Enjoy your day in the sun, Taylor.

WORST: Most of the time, Travis Kelce puts up a shit ton of points. But there are also times where he seemingly disappears. Against the Broncos, Kelce did the latter, much to Kyle’s chagrin. If Kelce had literally caught one more pass for one more yard, Kyle would’ve been able to earn the victory. By the way, this section is not going to be kind for Kyle — just a head’s up.

TRANSACTION

BEST: With Alex Collins out due to injury, Arik dropped him in favor of Sony Michel, who hadn’t put up a breakout game yet this season. But with Darrell Henderson limited due to injury and facing a shitty Jaguars squad, Michell put up 18 points — by far his best output of the season and as many as he put up in his last four games combined. Definitely a wise investment by Arik.

WORST: Jimmy dropping the Steelers defense (who balled out this past weekend) in favor of Teddy Bridgewater (who did not) was a bad move, but it didn’t change the outcome of his matchup. On the other hand, Kyle dropping the Cowboys defense (who scored 17 points) in favor of the Vikings defense (who lost to the fucking Lions) turned out to be quite the costly mistake.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: Of all the dozens of moves Gee has made this season, it’s somewhat surprising that he’s held onto Javonte Williams this whole time. His patience appears to have paid off, as Williams had his best game of the season in his first real chance to be a starter. Along with Najee Harris and Jonathan Taylor, Williams has emerged to form a three-headed monster at RB for Gee.

WORST: Had Kyle just checked the news and seen Kadarius Toney was out, he would’ve won. He could’ve subbed in Darrel Williams or even Matt Brieda (who didn’t even surpass a point) and made up that .06 difference. Kyle’s still in a relatively good playoff position. But if he somehow misses the postseason, the Toney mistake will go down as one of the worst in league history.

LUCK

BEST: Every year, it seems one team that didn’t deserve to go far makes the playoffs. This year that honor goes to Riaz, who’s barely scored more than Jimmy yet has clinched a postseason berth thanks to having by far the fewest total points scored against him. Riaz is the epitome of the Jack Sparrow “worst pirate I’ve ever heard of” meme — he’s the worst playoff team, but he’s in.

WORST: Literally the only way I couldn’t have gotten 14 points from Stefon Diggs, Hunter Henry, and Tyler Bass was an act of God. WELL GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?!?!? Biblical winds led to not only a crucial missed FG by Bass, but a lack of passing to the extent that Diggs was severely limited and Henry’s Patriots only attempted three passes all game. Fuck you, mother narure.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… this fucking team.

There is a 100% chance that the Raiders get flagged if the situation at the end of the game was reversed and it was a Las Vegas DB grabbing the jersey of a Washington WR. It would fit the formula of both the classic “Raiders vs. Refs” matchup and Sunday’s game, which saw Maxx Crosby get called for roughing the passer for tackling the QB (not to mention the no call on Nate Hobbs getting manhandled on the same exact play) and Johnathan Abram having a sensational defensive play get penalized because of a stupid low tackling rule (the fuck was he supposed to do, get run over by a lineman?). Maybe the NFL looked at last week’s game against Dallas, realized the Raiders (gasp) actually had some close calls go in their favor, and corrected things.

But if you think the reason the Raiders couldn’t take down Washington was the referees, you’re sadly mistaken. Go back to that questionable no-call at the end. Despite the jersey pull, Zay Jones had every chance to catch that ball — it hit him in the fucking head for god’s sake. If Jones’ hands were made out of anything but concrete, he might’ve come down with that (or any other pass Jones had. Go back to Trevon Moehrig dropping a game-sealing INT. Go back to those calls against the Raiders and see how Las Vegas was still in the lead late, when the defense decided to play two-hand touch and let Washington drive down the field lickedy split in crunch time. Go back to how, despite the penalties and last-minute choking, the defense still held Washington to under 20 points and gave the offense plenty of opportunities to put up points. Go back to Derek Carr missing an open Brian Edwards in the end zone and forcing the Raiders to settle for a FG. Go back to the missed two-point conversion that, had it been successful, would’ve meant Washington could only tie the game with a FG. Hell, go back to the first play of the last drive where, needing just a FG, the Raiders went for it all and lost valuable time in the process.

This shit happened with extended rest, too.

If there is somehow any hope of the Raiders making the playoffs, it will be extinguished next week in Kansas City. There is no way in fucking hell this team is beating the Chiefs — look what happened in Las Vegas last month? But I’ve already accepted the inevitable — that was confirmed when Henry Ruggs did what he did. However, one thing that has kept me going is the Coin. I’ve purposely not mentioned the Coin across this year’s newsletters due to fear of jinxing the magic. Before the season, a Raiders fan predicted how the season would go by simply flipping a coin for each game. It predicted the Raiders would winish 10-7 and make the playoffs. Through last week — 13 weeks into the season — the coin was perfect, predicting each win and loss without a mistake. The Raiders subreddit became the church of the Coin and it was the one thing keeping Raiders fans hopeful. Sadly, the Coin had predicted the Raiders would beat Washington. For the first time, the Coin was wrong. 

Fuck you Raiders (and refs) for ruining the Coin. Now we have to wade through Dabo Swinney rumors all week.

Jimmy I hope you at least had fun in Vegas.

STAT OF THE WEEK

Here’s how this works: the Jets missed their first two extra points, then went for two after their third TD and failed to convert. With the Eagles scoring TDs (but making extra points) on their first three drives, New York was down 21-18. From there the Jets did absolutely nothing, as Philadelphia cruised to a 33-18 win behind this glorious motherfucker. Minshew Mania is back and might’ve brought a QB controversy with it.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 9, 1934, one of the greatest championship comebacks in NFL history took place thanks to a particular piece of equipment. Going into the 1934 NFL title game, the defending champion Chicago Bears were 13-0 and riding an 18-game winning streak. Meanwhile, the New York Giants were 8-5 and had lost their last regular season game. The Bears were the heavy favorites, even as weather tried to play the role of equalizer. The night before the game, a freezing rain turned the Polo Grounds field into a sheet of ice. Chicago led 10-3 at halftime, but both teams were struggling to gain footing on the frozen field. In fact, Giants end Ray Flaherty told head coach Steve Owen that sneakers would provide better traction than cleats. Inspired, Owens had his friend Abe Cohen — a tailor who helped out on the Giants sideline — go to Manhattan College to get some sneakers. Cohen spoke with Manhattan’s athletic director, Brother Jasper, who agreed to empty out the lockers of the school’s basketball team. Cohen got back to the Polo Grounds in the 3rd quarter with nine pairs of sneakers. Though the Bears added a FG in that period, there was a noticeable difference in the Giants’ movement. Early in the 4th quarter, Ed Danowski’s pass to Ike Frankian was picked off at the two-yard line. But Frankian then ripped the ball from the defender’s hands and stepped into the end zone, cutting the lead to 13-10. That set off a firestorm of offense for New York, who proceeded to put up 27 points (including two scores from K/FB Ken Strong) in the final frame, an NFL record to this day. Chicago on the other hand was shut out, as the Giants won the championship by a count of 30-13. Ever since the final whistle, those who played in what’s referred to as the “Sneakers Game” credit New York’s footwear switch as the reason for the Giants’ second half dominance. Bears FB Bronko Nagurski simply said, “they just out-smarted us.”

On December 9, 1984, Eric Dickerson reached a magic number on his way to setting another that has yet to be reached. Heading into the 1984 campaign, only one RB had ever eclipsed the 2,000-yard mark in a single season — O.J. Simpson, who rushed for 2,003 yards in just 14 games during 1973. A few years later, the NFL’s schedule expanded to 16 games, but no one had gotten to the double millennium mark since then (only Earl Campbell had even surpassed 1,900 yards). Enter Eric Dickerson, who was just in his second season in the NFL. Dickerson started the season well enough, but was slowed down by a few poor performances, being held to just 49 yards against the Steelers and 38 yards against the 49ers. However, Dickerson caught fire in the second half of the season — starting with a 208-yard effort against the Cardinals, Dickerson went on a streak of six straight games with at least 132 yards on the ground. The last of those was a Week 15 clash with the Oilers in the Rams’ penultimate game of the season. Dickerson was just about 200 yards shy of Simpson’s mark, with everyone expecting him to go for it the following week in a nationally televised game against San Francisco, with Simpson in the announcer’s booth. But Houston made a major mistake — they pissed Dickerson off. Oilers players talked massive shit about Dickerson (who was from the Houston area and didn’t want to get drafted by the organization), saying Los Angeles’ offensive line made him seem better than he was. Dickerson took that personally, having his way with Houston’s defense to the tune of 215 yards rushing. With 3:22 left to play, Dickerson took a handoff, cut to the right, broke multiple tackles, and surpassed Simpson’s all-time mark with a nine-yard gain. Dickerson ended the game — a 27-16 win — with 2,007 yards. He would gain another 98 more against the 49ers to finish the season with 2,105 yards rushing. To this day, that remains the all-time record. Six more RBs have since gone over 2,000 yards, but only Adrian Peterson came close to breaking Dickerson’s record, coming less than ten yards away in 2012. By the way, that 1984 Rams-Oilers game is also notable for being the first game Los Angeles DE Jack Youngblood (who had battled through broken bones, a blood clot, and countless other injuries) missed in his career (and his first since his senior season at Florida) — due to a ruptured disk in his lower back. Youngblood would return for the 49ers game and play through the injury during the Rams’ playoff game the following week. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 MOST MEMORABLE COLD WEATHER GAMES

It had to come to this. There could be no other Top 10 list for this episode than narrowing down the top segments/moments in Top Gear/The Grand Tour history. Anytime I try to tell someone about these shows, they wonder what the hell I’m talking about. So I have to provide an example of something funny that happened involving the trio of Clarkson, May, and Hammond. That’s the approach I took with this list — which instance is going to get the best reaction in terms of awe of humor? But I love these shows so much that it’s like choosing between my own kids. No exaggeration, this was the toughest rankings list to narrow down in the history of the newsletter.

That being said, I was able to eliminate one show entirely. With all due respect to The Grand Tour, which is quality and full of its own memorable, funny moments, Top Gear is where the trio were at their best and funniest. All of these segments come from Top Gear, with most happening in a span of just a few years. 

HONORABLE MENTION: CONVERTIBLE PEOPLE CARRIER

One day, Top Gear wondered why there were convertible versions of hatchbacks, coupes, and supercars — but not vans or SUVs. So they cut the roof off a Renault Espace and made a soft top of their own. Things went terribly wrong when they took it through a car wash. The roof caved in, water poured everywhere,  and somehow the car caused the million-pound wash to catch fire.

HONORABLE MENTION: GOING ELECTRIC

Unsatisfied by the ugly and weak electric cars of the time, the trio decided to build their own. The result was Geoff, a car that looked like a hooptie popemobile. After an accident, Geoff was reborn as the Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust (the same thing with a few modifications). After “completing” tests, they managed to get their creation reviewed by Autocar, who weren’t exactly thrilled.

HONORABLE MENTION: THREE TIMES THE BMW

For any kind of challenge, the trio always pick different vehicles. However, when they were each asked to buy second-hand four seater convertibles for 2,000 pounds, all of them got the same kind of car — a BMW 325i. So they decided to see how different each of the cars were. Clarkson’s had no breaks, May’s was full of scabs and mucus, and Hammond’s had blood and poo in it.

HONORABLE MENTION: CAPTAIN SLOW GOES FAST

Throughout its production, the Bugatti Veyron was beloved by the trio for a number of reasons — most likely because it went 253 mph. Somehow, it was arranged that May — the slowest driver of the trio — would be the one to take it to the limit. May got behind the wheel and reached 253.2 mph. Later, when a special edition Veyron was made, May broke his own record, hitting 267 mph.

HONORABLE MENTION: TALL MAN, SMALL CARS

As the tallest member of the trio, Clarkson was the perfect person to review the Peel P50 — the smallest production car ever made. Clarkson was able to drive the P50 everywhere, including his own offices at the BBC. Somehow, Clarkson wasn’t satisfied, so he created the Peel 45 — an even smaller car that’s essentially a motorized wheelchair with armor. Terrifying, yet hilarious.

10. CALL AN AMBULANCE

Even in their later years, the trio proved they still had magic when each of them were asked to create their own version of a faster ambulance. Clarkson’s was essentially a racecar with a cowcatcher, Hammond’s was painted like a nuclear waste van and fired the patient out of a cannon, while May rather disturbingly built his out of a hearse. Each host had their own moments of hilarity. May had the biggest laugh when his back door failed and he lost his patient. Clarkson got a little too close to his patient (“Trust in me!”). Hammond’s brakes literally caught fire twice.

9. HOVERVAN HAVOC

One day, the trio decided to build something to navigate a flooded town. What they created became a legend. After its initial design didn’t exactly work, the HoverVan 2.0 allowed the trio to skim across the River Avon. No matter where they went, chaos followed. From sending water and wind flying towards an outdoor restaurant to getting caught in a canal lock (and getting Hammond absolutely soaked in the process), the journey finally ended shortly after the trio went down a weir. Naturally, Jeremy’s pursuit of speed and power stubbornly led to the HoverVan’s demise. 

8. SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

One of the more underrated pieces the trio has put together is their quest to replicate what many 17-year-olds have to go through — buying a good car and getting insured. This teenage challenge featured so many hilarious moments, from May’s stereo getting turned against him, Hammond getting a terrible body job and crashing (and “dying”), and Clarkson making up a brand new sentence and then unintentionally crashing his car into a shed. There are some truly funny moments scattered throughout this challenge, which remains one of my favorites. 

7. LORRY LUNACY

While the trio are experts on cars, put them behind the wheel of any vehicle that’s not technically a car and their inner moron begins to show. There was no greater example of this than when they took on the challenge to buy and drive semi-trucks. Getting them moving and hitched was enough of a challenge. Throw in an alpine race that results in a missing car and a trailer catching fire and you have a truly memorable challenge. Things keep going strong until the very end, when the hosts put both their most personal items and even themselves on the line in an effort to win.

6. GOOD DAY, VIETNAM

Of all the special overseas adventures the trio have been on, most believe the objectively best one has been their trip to Vietnam. Riding across the country on motorcycles (or a moped in Clarkson’s case), the trio go through a number of challenges and throw up several hijinks, from painted bikes to annoying gifts to crashes galore and multiple cases of vandalism against helmets. The ending threw me for a surprise the first time I saw it — the finish line isn’t exactly what you’d think and the final leg to get there ends in one of the most genuine bouts of laughter.

5. THE UNKILLABLE CAR

When my future kids become old enough to drive, their first car will be a Toyota Hilux. Why? Because it’s indestructible. The hosts put the car through trials that would certainly kill any other car. They crash it into walls and trees, smash it with a wrecking ball, drop a caravan on it, ram it through a temporary building, set it on fire, leave it in the sea, and even put it on top of a building — that gets demolished. After every single challenge, using only basic tools to repair the engine, the car somehow starts up again. The trio honored the Hilux by hanging it up in their studio.

4. ROLLING A ROBIN

Remember that clip of a funny car falling over I mentioned earlier? This is it! Behold, the segment that got me into Top Gear. Clarkson embarks on a 14-mile journey from Sheffield to Rotherham in a Reliant Robin, a three-wheeled car and one of the dumbest vehicles ever. Many times on the trip, the Robin tumbles over and crashes. Even though it was later revealed that the crew had tampered with the Robin to make it fall over more easily, this still remains hilarious and a classic piece that shines a spotlight on one of the most unusual types of car ever created.

3. GOING FOR A SWIM

One of the trio’s most ambitious challenges actually ended in success. It just took a while. First, the trio created amphibious cars in an attempt to cross a small pond. Hammond’s was an utter failure, Clarkson’s was the best but sunk at the last turn, and May’s technically won (but didn’t). They then tried a more difficult voyage — crossing the English Channel and arriving in France. Even though May’s and Hammond’s cars once again failed miserably, Clarkson’s somehow soldiered on and — against all odds — actually finished the journey in quite a cool moment.

2. THE “BEST” OF BRITISH LEYLAND

Taking a look at one of Britain’s most famous former automakers, the trio took some British Leyland cars through a number of practical — and not-so-practical — tests. Each of these challenges — hell, even getting to them — provides moments of tremendous laughter, both intentional and unexpected. Throw in the fact that these cars are kind of shit and sometimes have a mind of their own, and it’s a perfect recipe for hilarity. From beginning to end, this challenge provides classic moments involving the trio at their best, which is when they’re at their worst.  

1. CAMPERVAN CHAOS

This is peak Clarkson, May, and Hammond. When the trio attempted to each build motorhomes that can work in the U.K., they ended up with equally bizarre and hilarious reflections of their personalities. Laughter is abundant as soon as they hit the highway (thanks to Clarkson’s giant campervan) and lasts throughout the segment. From an eventful few nights at camp to a near disaster at the beach to an actual disaster that creates a jaw-dropping ending, this would likely be the first clip I would show someone who would be interested in getting into these two shows.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

DIXIE NORMOUS (10-3) VS. PLEASE GOD WIN (6-7)

Four teams. Two playoff spots. Let’s work our way down the standings. Please God Win is in the best situation, but they also have the toughest matchup in Dixie Normous. A few games will likely determine this matchup. First, Kyle has both Harrison Smith and the Vikings defense against the Steelers. Then, Bills-Buccaneers will be a battle of Chris Godwin (Kyle) and Mike Evans (Nick), along with Josh Allen. There will be at most four Chiefs players combined against the Raiders. On Monday, Nick has Cooper Kupp and Darrel Henderson against the Cardinals.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-6) VS. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (6-7)

Just beat one of the lowest-scoring teams in the league and I’m in the playoffs. Would that it were so simple. The last time Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell faced Footballdamus, Riaz dropped 172 points on me. I have endlessly bitched about it ever since and now I have a shot at revenge. That would discount all of the bullshit I’ve had to deal with this season, including Monday’s literal act of god. It appears he doesn’t want me in the playoffs — what better way to cement my postseason miss than by having Derek Carr and Josh Jacobs unexpectedly tear it up for Riaz in Kansas City?

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-6) VS. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-8)

If either Kyle or I fall, Ewing is in the best chance to take advantage. Three Eyed Ravens are only a few points back of the final spot, so a loss by their competition and a win by them would have the scoring tiebreaker come into play. However, the latter necessity is far from a certainty. The Krispy Kritters, while generally inconsistent, have topped 120 points in each of the past two weeks. Ewing can match that if he plays like he did in November. But if Richard lives up to his potential, it may not matter if Ewing scores well. Getting the win is absolutely paramount here.

WELL DAMN (5-8) VS. HOG WILD (3-10)

On paper, Well Damn is in the worst spot out of the four playoff hopefuls. But interestingly, Chriss’ biggest problem isn’t whether or not he gets the win needed to keep him alive. That’s because he’s playing Hog Wild — Jimmy is in contention for last place for fuck’s sake. No, the major issue in Chriss’ way is points. Chriss is 25 points back of Ewing, meaning he needs to significantly outscore him while greatly outscoring both Kyle and I. However, stranger things have happened. Chriss was the top team in the league once. If he can find that form, maybe he can make magic.

49ERS (11-2) VS. YEA BABY! (9-4)

You guys have probably seen this, but I wanted to include it just in case. You’ve all seen the gif of the kid giving a side eye while standing in line at Popeyes. Turns out, that kid’s name is Dieunerst Collin and he looks like this now. He’s a senior C for East Orange High School, who just won the New Jersey state championship. Collin is 6’1″, 315 lbs. and a potential college prospect nicknamed “The Killer Whale.” His team also won the title in triple OT after a defender knocked the ball out of the opposing QB’s hands and ran it back 100 yards for a TD. Holy shit!

SLEEPING GIANTS (7-6) VS. JOP SUEY!!! (2-11)

I always bitch about the sadness that comes with being a Raiders fan, but holy shit am I glad to not be a Vikings fan. Minnesota — which has now lost seven one-score games and is just 5-7 despite having a QB (who once lined up under his guard during a late game play) with 25 TDs to just three INTs this season — just lost to the fucking Detroit Lions. That defeat roused former Vikings coach Mike Tice, who reminded everyone that even his “sorry ass” never lost to Detroit (it’s true — he was 8-0). Another Mike, Zimmer, will soon join Tice as a former Vikings coach. 

ONE LAST THING

If you’re looking for something to watch before Sunday’s football slate, after waking up a bit early (or if you’re still up after whatever the hell we do on Saturday), I have an unusual recommendation. It’s the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix — the final race of the 2021 Formula One World Championship. I’ve never watched a Formula 1 race before, but I’m probably going to break that drought this weekend, because this race is going to be fucking incredible.

If you haven’t been paying attention to this year’s F1 season (I’m going to guess that’s everyone apart from Nick), you aren’t aware of how batshit crazy it’s been. In order to understand the circumstances going into Sunday’s race, we have to know the main combatants. 

On one hand, we have Lewis Hamilton, one of the greatest drivers of all time across motorsports. Hamilton has won the past four F1 world titles and already holds the records for most race wins (103), pole positions (103), and podium finishes (181) in F1 history. He is also tied with Michael Schumacher for most F1 world titles — seven — meaning with one more crown he can solidify his case for being the greatest F1 driver ever. Such an accomplishment would be even more notable given that Hamilton is the only black driver in F1 history and has faced hatred for both his race and his outspoken attitude and business practices off the track.

On the other hand, we have Max Verstappen, a prodigy who’s pushing to have the future become the present. Six years ago, a 17-year-old Verstappen became the youngest driver to ever compete in an F1 race and just a year later became the youngest driver to ever win an F1 race. Since 2017, Verstappen has climbed up the rankings, finishing 3rd overall in the final standings over the past two years (Hamilton won both years). This year however has been his breakthrough year, showcasing skills and driving prowess that have many considering him to be the successor to Hamilton as the most dominant driver in F1. 

As Hamilton hopes to make history, Verstappen vies for his turn in the limelight. Whether Hamilton is trying to hold out one more year or Verstappen is trying to kickstart his era one year early, this passing of the torch hasn’t gone as smoothly as some might have hoped. In fact, in a year where five races were canceled in response to the pandemic (making points gathered in the other races all the more valuable), Hamilton and Verstappen have become true rivals and as a result have turned this season into their own personal duel. Given that F1 and its rules and regulations are, in the simplest of terms, “complicated,” this has led to some major controversy.

It began during the first race of the year in Bahrain. Verstappen, who had claimed pole position, had overtaken Hamilton for first with about five laps remaining. However, he was forced to give that position back after it was determined that he had breached “track limits” and completed the overtake by going off the track. Hamilton would go on to win the race, with Verstappen finishing second. However, Verstappen’s team complained that Hamilton had consistently broken those same track limits in that same area. In fact, Hamilton had gained almost three seconds across the race by running wide at least 0.1 seconds per lap. But Hamilton’s camp argued that this was due to confusion over race regulations and stewards’ interpretations of them. To them, only overtaking off-track was not allowed. In the end, Hamilton kept the win due to this “gray area” within the rules.

Hamilton took two of the next three races, including Portugal, where Verstappen’s point he had accumulated for earning the fastest lap was taken away due to track limits. But Verstappen had finished close to the podium every time, meaning when he took first at Monaco and Hamilton finished far behind, Verstappen took the overall points lead. Verstappen kept that lead despite finishing behind Hamilton at Azerbaijan (both ended up outside of the Top 10), then extended it to 32 points with three straight victories. However, Hamilton managed to stop the bleeding with a win at his home track in Britain. Although, the victory was not without controversy. Hamilton and Verstappen collided on the first lap, with Verstappen being forced to call it a day. Hamilton was given a ten-second penalty as a result, but he managed to claw his way back for the win. While Hamilton claimed he did nothing wrong, Verstappen thought otherwise. It’s worth noting that most other drivers claimed that both were at fault and it was just part of racing.

A rainy race in Hungary was disappointing for Verstappen and nearly disastrous for Hamilton, who overcame a pitting problem to finish third, then was promoted to second after Sebastian Vettel was disqualified for post-race fuel issues. Verstappen would respond with back-to-back wins in Belgium (which saw the shortest race in F1 history due to massive rain issues) and the Netherlands. Despite winning his third straight pole position (and his seventh in eight races) in Italy, Verstappen’s momentum was stopped when he and Hamilton crashed, knocking both out of the race. It was a scary crash, with the relatively new Halo device preventing Hamilton from being seriously injured or killed. The stewards found Verstappen to be at fault and penalized him for the following race. As a result, Hamilton was able to keep his edge in Russia, winning the race — his 100th career F1 victory — and getting back the championship lead.

But things would quickly turn sour for Hamilton, who was issued a huge penalty during qualifying in Turkey. Hamilton missed the podium altogether (with some major pitting issues) as Verstappen retook the title lead. That margin was extended with back-to-back Verstappen wins in the U.S. and Mexico. However, a chance for Verstappen to put a stranglehold on the crown was blown thanks to an aggressive Hamilton, who (after trying and failing and getting both of them spun off the track) after multiple tries overtook Verstappen to get a win in Brazil. Hamilton narrowed the gap with another win in Qatar, although the main story was what he wore — a rainbow-colored helmet in protest of the country’s anti-LGBTQ laws. Hamilton wore that helmet once again last week, during the first ever F1 race in Saudi Arabia, the penultimate race of the season. 

While F1 as a whole was dealing with criticism for having a race there in the first place, several new controversies emerged on the track. There were multiple pitting controversies involving Verstappen, questionable practices by the FIA, and multiple incidents where Verstappen was deemed to have gone off the track and forced to give Hamilton his position. It was during that second incident that, in an alleged attempt to slow down to allow Hamilton to pass, Verstappen hit the brakes hard. Hamilton, allegedly not knowing what the situation was, collided with the back of Verstappen’s car. The damage wasn’t enough to impact Hamilton, who managed to win his third straight race (seriously though last week’s race was fucking nuts — read more about it).

Hamilton’s latest win means that everything comes down to this weekend in the UAE. Verstappen and Hamilton are tied with 369.5 points, making this just the second time in F1 history that the Top 2 drivers are even going into the final race. Well, not quite — Verstappen has nine victories to Hamilton’s eight, meaning if both remain even on points Verstappen will win the title on a tiebreaker. But that would honestly be the worst possible ending — it would mean both had to retire early, likely due to a crash. These two need to decide things on the track the right way, with the higher-placing driver winning the title. Hamilton — arguably the F1 GOAT — and Verstappen — possibly the future F1 GOAT — have battled in a wild, controversy-laden campaign that calls back to the iconic Niki Lauda-James Hunt rivalry that was the focus of Rush. This is an absolutely historic motor racing moment and it’s one worth viewing before Sunday football. 

Then again the race does start at 5 a.m. — maybe I’ll record it and watch it later. Not sure how I’ll avoid spoilers, though…

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness