Ruben's Writings

It seems like a long time ago that we began this fantasy football season. Maybe that’s because of the extra week to the regular season. Maybe it’s due to the pandemic. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re getting caught up in our real lives and the days just keep piling up without end. Maybe it’s because we’re having so much fun. Either way, we’re here. 12 teams have been reduced to eight in the quest for the championship. But in order to get from eight to one, we have to go on another adventure, the last one that will be chronicled in a newsletter. That last bit makes this postseason seem a bit more epic than before, so why not take inspiration from arguably the greatest series of epic films ever made?

J.R.R. Tolkien created a fucking incredible, deep, diverse fantasy world that not only boasts some of the most iconic moments, characters, quotes, and themes in the history of the genre. You can trace key aspects of everything from The Legend of Zelda to Dungeons & Dragons to Warcraft to The Elder Scrolls back to The Lord of the Rings. The tale of Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and company’s quest to destroy the One Ring and end the threat of Sauron before he takes over Middle Earth is incredibly compelling, rich in everything (especially storytelling), and some of the objectively best work in all of fiction. It seemed to be the ultimate challenge to adapt this story successfully to cinema. But Peter Jackson did it. His The Lord of the Rings film trilogy isn’t only incredibly faithful to the novels, but also is arguably the best adaptation of any fantasy book to movie in history. All three films were nominated for Best Picture, with Return of the King winning that category along with ten others — its 11 total Oscars are tied for the most by any film. Every film won the award for Best Visual Effects, making it the only other film series to achieve that distinction besides the original Star Wars trilogy. Hell, I love these movies and they have giant spiders in them. When I eventually visit New Zealand, going to the Shire is a strong contender to be on my itinerary.

Guess when the first installment — The Fellowship of the Ring — premiered in the U.S.? December 19, 2001 — 20 years ago on Sunday. Good enough for me!

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

PLEASE GOD WIN (7-7) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (10-4)

136.12 – 128.44

If there was going to be a loss to open up the playoff race, it would be Dixie Normous knocking off Please God Win. For a lot of Sunday, it did in fact look like Nick would take Kyle down. Melvin Gordon (23 points) and Austin Ekeler (14 points) gave Nick a nice early lead, while Travis Kelce and Kareem Hunt were surprising non-factors. While another disappointing Dak Prescott performance was the only downer for Nick early on, it looked like Kyle was getting his own QB letdown from Josh Allen, who was getting his ass kicked by the Buccaneers. Then, all of a sudden, things changed. Allen (36 points) led a roaring comeback that ultimately fell short, but still gave Kyle a huge boost. Brandon Aiyuk (12 points) getting that late TD was also clutch. Then came Sunday Night, which was Davante Adams (24 points) time. Despite nice efforts from Cooper Kupp (18 points) and the Packers defense (13 points), Kyle’s late rush had given him too great of a lead to overcome. With Kyle victorious, there was only one chance for chaos.

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (7-7) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (7-7)

119.92 – 66.62

Welp, better luck next year, Chriss and Ewing! Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell was denied the honor of clinching a playoff spot by an act of god last week, this week they brought a god-like amount of revenge upon Footballdamus. Tom Brady (30 points) got to benefit from both the early lead to set up the near-comeback against the Bills, but also the walk-off TD that won it in OT. Hunter Renfrow (16 points) proved to be the only positive from the Raiders game (sadly, I’ll have more on that later). C.J. Mosely (14 points) made a splendid debut. Saquon Barkley (15 points) actually did something! But even with all of that, I was far from perfect. Thankfully, Riaz wasn’t in the same galaxy as perfect. In a literal triple-digit drop from his previous point total against me, basically Riaz’s entire roster failed to show up. When Younghoe Koo (12 points) is your top scorer, you’re going to have a bad time (not to mention starting Derek Carr in that same Raiders game). Somehow, Riaz will get a chance to rebound in the playoffs, instead of two others.

WELL DAMN (6-8) DEF. HOG WILD (3-11)

136.78 – 95.64

I’ll give Well Damn this — they needed to score a shit ton of points in order to have a chance and did just that, coming out swinging on a hapless Hog Wild thanks to a record-setting day by Dalvin Cook (34 points). Interestingly, Chriss’ lineup wasn’t perfect by any means — Zach Ertz, DeAndre Hopkins, and Jamison Crowder each fell flat on their faces. But it’s hard to complain when you get incredible days from Matthew Stafford (23 points), the Titans defense (21 points), and Justin Tucker (12 points). Jimmy meanwhile could only get only one player — Ja’Marr Chase (20 points) — over the teens, with Ryan Tannehill (16 points) Austin Hooper (11 points) being the others in the whole lineup to get into double-digits. James Robinson in particular was disappointing, although that can probably be attributed to the crap ton of shit Urban Meyer has done (late note: hahahahaha!). While Jimmy fades away for good, Chriss at least gets to be carried off on his shield, having dealt with incredible bad luck and fought until the end anyway.

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (8-6) DEF. THREE EYED RAVENS (5-9)

131.40 – 99.08

Am I the only one disappointed that Three Eyed Ravens couldn’t make it over the hump? After being in literal last place, Ewing made the charge of a lifetime to get within one win of a playoff spot, only to falter right at the end. Part of it was definitely bad luck — Lamar Jackson gets injured early and Jermar Jefferson doesn’t even see the field due to missing practice. Those two results — as well as poor days from Marquez Valdes-Scantling and Chris Boswell — negated any good James Conner (24 points), the Cowboys defense (22 points), and Mark Andrews (17 points) did. Then again, it might not have mattered. That’s how well the Krispy Kritters played. In fact, in the same way Ewing came out of nowhere to crash the playoff race, Richard has been performing spectacularly over the past few weeks. Justin Herbert (24 points), Tyler Lockett (22 points), the Chiefs defense (24 points), Leonard Fournette (17 points), and Matt Gay (14 points) all balled out to eliminate Ewing and put Richard up as a dark horse contender for the title.

JOP SUEY!!! (3-11) DEF. SLEEPING GIANTS (7-7)

108.62 – 106.22

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SLEEPING GIANTS LOST TO JOP SUEY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pretty sure Dad hates Matt Prater (14 points) now. Naturally, Taylor ends the season on a winning streak, as everyone predicted.

49ERS (12-2) DEF. YEA BABY! (9-5)

128.14 – 102.50

I will have much more on Urban Meyer’s firing next week, but holy shit I have never seen a head coach that deserved to be fired more than that fucking asshole. In about half a year, Meyer has seen an assistant coach (that he fired) fired for bullying players, been fined $100K for violating offseason team activity rules, started 0-4 in Jacksonville, got caught groping a young woman (who wasn’t his wife) at a bar, sparked much anger with his players and staff, berated his assistants to the point where they had to defend their resumes, and now apparently literally physically assaulted one of his players. How badly do you have to fuck up to get fired less than a year into a five-year deal. What sucks is that while the whole “kicking a player” thing was of course enough to get him canned, it makes me think of all the college players Meyer also likely treated this way, the kids who couldn’t defend themselves. Fuck this metric ton pile of shit. But at least Meyer gave me an idea for a Top 10 list next week — worst NFL head coaches.

STANDINGS

FINAL LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. 49ers (12-2)*
2. Dixie Normous (10-4)*
3. Yea baby! (9-5)*
4. The Krispy Kritters (8-6)*
5. Please God Win (7-7)*
6. Sleeping Giants (7-7)*
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (7-7)*
8. Footballdamus (7-7)*
9. Well Damn (6-8)e
10. Three Eyed Ravens (5-9)e
11. Hog Wild (3-11)e
12. Jop Suey!!! (3-11)e

* = clinched playoff spot

e = eliminated

RACE FOR MARSHALL FINAL RESULTS:

1. 49ers (1730.64)
2. Dixie Normous (1683.60)
3. Yea baby! (1540.24)
4. The Krispy Kritters (1519.76)
5. Please God Win (1468.74)
6. Sleeping Giants (1440.86)
7. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (1432.92)
8. Well Dam (1415.10)
9. Three Eyed Ravens (1402.50)
10. Hog Wild (1341.70)
11. Footballdamus (1322.48)
12. Jop Suey!!! (1277.34)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: If you consider Josh Allen putting up 36 points, that alone doesn’t seem too unexpected. However, it’s how Allen put up those numbers that was truly surprising. With just over 20 minutes to spare, Allen rushed for a TD and threw for two more, turning Kyle’s prospects from a surefire loss into an unexpected victory. The final margin was so slim, every Allen score was necessary.

WORST: Dak Prescott may be the biggest boom or bust QB in the league right now. This past weekend, Nick got the “bust” version. Had Prescott put up just 20 points, Nick would’ve survived Kyle’s comeback and potentially shaken up the playoff seeding. Nick has a lineup capable of winning it all, but that can’t happen without a strong QB. Can Prescott get his shit together?

TRANSACTION

BEST: For once, Taylor’s last-minute tinkering actually paid off. Just before the start of the week, Taylor added both Matt Prater and the Browns defense. Cleveland did unexpected work against the Ravens, putting up 24 points. Prater rode a late Cardinals surge to finish with 14 points. The last of those points came from a late FG and were enough to earn the upset win against Dad.

WORST: When you need to win to have a shot at saving your season, you need to make sure every move you make is good, and at the very least that every one of your players, you know, actually plays. Ewing picked up Jermar Jefferson, not realizing he would miss the entire game due to missed practices/health concerns. That was a goose egg Ewing could not afford to have.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: There were no major lineup genius moves or fuckups this week, so these next two awards are basically Transaction 2.0. In looking to replace the Dolphins defense, Richard played the matchup and played it well, adding the Chiefs defense and the 24 points they would provide. That certainly made up for adding Courtland Sutton, who put up a goose egg on Richard’s lineup.

WORST: While trying to find an Eli Mitchell replacement, Dad picked up Jeff Wilson. But he dropped De’Vondre Campbell in the process. Wilson didn’t do poorly, but Campbell put up 12 points — double the amount of Foye Oluokun (Dad’s defensive player). Had Dad kept Campbell in favor of, let’s say, another new addition in JaMycal Hasty, he would’ve survived Taylor’s surge.

LUCK

BEST: I mean, anytime you get an incredible second half comeback from your QB and a late TD from your top WR to secure your playoff position, that’s some good luck. Kyle had both of those in one day, with Davante Adams’ cherry on top score and Josh Allen’s amazing run. In fact, had it not been for Allen’s run or Adams’ stellar play, Kyle could’ve been outside the playoff bracket.

WORST: Conversely, Dad needed everyone but Kyler Murray, Odell Beckham, and Matt Prater to have great days. Guess what happened? Beckham found the end zone. The Rams relaxed long enough for Murray and the Cardinals to mount a comeback, which was capped by a late FG from Prater that allowed Taylor to edge Dad at the buzzer. Losing to Taylor isn’t fun, is it Dad?

IN MEMORIAM

THREE EYED RAVENS (EWING)

All of that, just to come up short at the end? Although, I guess having Three Eyed Ravens around for an unexpected playoff push did make things more interesting. For the first eight weeks of the season, Ewing was literally the worst in the league — a combination of unfortunate draft picks and worse trades had resulted in just one win and as many times finishing with more than 100 points. Julio Jones, Devin Singletary, and Juju Smith-Schuster didn’t exactly work out, while Alvin Kamara, Justin Jefferson, and George Kittle were traded away before they truly hit their stride. Then something incredible happened. Ewing decided to attempt the rare strategy of getting engaged in order to boost his fantasy football skills. It worked — for a month, Ewing was better than anyone else in the league, putting up his four best efforts of the season in a row as he surged to the doorstep of the playoffs. Unfortunately for him, he would go no further, reverting back to his prior form as the calendar turned to December. No one even held the door for him. 

WELL DAMN (CHRISS)

Well Damn may have just completed one of the worst luck seasons in league history. Buoyed by strong early draft picks like Dalvin Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, and Matthew Stafford, Chriss surged to the top of the standings early, winning his first three games. But then the wheels completely fell off the wagon. Chriss’ roster slowly succumbed to injuries — Chris Carson, Robert Woods, and Chase Edmonds would all be lost for months — if not the season. Cook was sent to the bench due to injury for multiple weeks. Stafford and Hopkins became inconsistent. As a result, Chriss’ place in the standings plummeted. Seven losses in eight weeks — capped off by the indignity of being on the receiving end of the highest-scoring single week in league history — sent him below the cutoff line. While Chriss managed to put up a fight while on the brink of death — two wins in the final three weeks — it was not enough to overcome the deluge. Consider that Chriss was one of two people (Taylor) to have 1,600 points scored against him — no one else even had 1,500.

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE LEAGUE

One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them; In the Land of Fantasy Football where the shadows lie.

Let’s meet the group walking towards Mount Doom.

49ERS (GEE)

For the past three years, Gee has been the best manager in the Epic League. However, he has no hardware to show for it, coming up short in the past two Epic Bowls. One might say he’s the uncrowned king of the league, much like Aragon AKA Strider AKA Estel is the uncrowned king of Gondor and Arnor. This year’s edition of the 49ers has once again slashed their way through the regular season, earning a third straight No. 1 seed. Can Gee seize Anduril and finally claim the throne? Perhaps he can seek help from the Army of the Dead 49ers teams from years past. 

DIXIE NORMOUS (NICK)

Unstoppable. Incredible attack power. Tons of skill. Those were the words used to describe Nick through the first half or so of this season. Those are also descriptions of Legolas, the iconic elf archer and main offensive weapon of the Fellowship. Like Legolas, Dixie Normous was mowing down the opposition, until they just sort of stopped. Three losses in the final four weeks not only knocked Nick off the top of the standings, but also saw him fall behind in the Race for Marshall. While the mini-helmet was taken, the trophy is still up for grabs. All Nick needs is one shot. 

YEA BABY! (ARIK)

Once I saw that mustache in full force, I knew Arik had to be Gimli. It also helps that Yea baby! has been among the three clear best teams all season long, much like how Gimli is clearly among the three best fighters in the Fellowship — ones not powered by literal magic, anyway. If Arik’s lineup plays to its full potential, opponents will get hit with Gimli’s full power. Having also seen Arik’s approach in bars (he just fucking goes for it), Gimli — who literally swings a goddamn axe at the One Ring after learning his has to be destroyed — is even more of a kindered spirit. 

THE KRISPY KRITTERS (RICHARD)

Richard as Gandalf? Let me explain. Gandalf died due to his battle with the Balrog, but was sent back to Middle Earth to finish the quest to defeat Sauron. The Krispy Kritters had their own Balrog — Derrick Henry’s season-ending injury — and at 4-4 seemingly had their season killed as a result. Instead, Richard was reborn and came back more powerful than ever — despite being on the losing end of the worst game in Epic League history. Richard is 5-2 in his past seven games and has scored at least 120 points in each of the last three weeks. That’s a magical performance.

PLEASE GOD WIN (KYLE)

Look, there are nine members of the Fellowship and eight teams in the playoffs. There has to be a double somewhere, so why not make it the hobbits who are seemingly attached at the hip (except for when they, you know, get separated). But Merry and Pippin represent more than just an easy way to get a 2-for-1. They also symbolize the dual nature of Kyle’s team. Please God Win is just as capable of scoring more than 130 points as they are of falling below 80 (both instances have happened twice). Whichever side of the coin fate lands on may seal Kyle’s fate. 

SLEEPING GIANTS (DAD)

Sam is the low-key MVP of the entire Fellowship. From staying with Frodo throughout the journey to Mordor (literally carrying him at one point) to even serving as the ring bearer when Frodo was captured and willingly giving it back, Sam was not only crucial but showed off his heart of gold. That sounds like Dad to me. Maybe this is my personal bias showing, but this whole fucking newsletter is based on my personal bias. Anyway, “Sleeping Giants” sounds like some huge characters from The Lord of the Rings. Dad is hoping his championship hopes wake up at last. 

AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (RUBEN)

Oh give me a break — yes I picked myself to be Frodo, the main character of The Lord of the Rings. You know why? It was he who chose to burden himself with taking the ring to Mount Doom, much like I chose to burden with this fucking newsletter every week. But as much as Frodo is the central protagonist, the whole story allows the entire cast to shine, like I try to do in my writing. Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell has used a whole cast of characters to even get to the playoffs after all of those injuries. Maybe I can use Sting to somehow get out of the first round. 

FOOTBALLDAMUS (RIAZ)

Someone had to be Boromir, who is the only member of the Fellowship who does not survive the first movie. Blame the fact that he was played by Sean Bean, whose character is always killed in movies. Much like Boromir, Riaz is unlikely to survive the first round of action. Of all the playoff teams, Footballdamus was the lowest-scoring group by more than 100 points. Going up against such savage competition in the beginning of the playoffs, Riaz is likely to meet the same fate as Boromir. Upsets can happen, although I will be fucking stunned if Riaz somehow pulls it off.

WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT

… this fucking team.

Most lopsided loss in the history of the Raiders-Chiefs rivalry.

Why don’t you stand on Kansas City’s logo some more, you fucking morons?

If we’re not going to win, why not just tear it all down? I’m sick of sucking, of being mediocre. Fuck it, bring in Dabo. At least if he pulls an Urban Meyer Las Vegas will get a good draft pick. Then again, we’ll probably just fuck that up as well.

We still have another month of this shit, boys.

HONORING AN ENEMY

Being a Raiders fan means I’m obligated to root against the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers, hating anyone who dares to wear their colors. Sometimes it’s easy — Philip Rivers, Shawne Merriman, John Elway, Mike Shanahan, almost everyone currently on Kansas City’s roster. But sometimes, there are players I desperately want to cheer for, who I respect personally and professionally so much that I would support them if they were on one of 29 other teams. Tony Gonzalez, LaDainian Tomlinson, Tim Tebow (not for the religion stuff), Von Miller, Justin Herbert, and yes even Pat Mahomes come to mind when I think about those kinds of players.

Demaryius Thomas was among that group. Yes, Thomas also played for the Texans, Patriots, and Jets. But his legacy will forever be tied to Denver, where he etched himself in NFL history. As a member of the Broncos, Thomas was on the receiving end of one of the most memorable TDs in NFL postseason history. He caught Peyton Manning’s 509th career TD pass — at the time an NFL record. He holds several Broncos franchise records, including most career playoff TDs and receptions, most receiving yards in a single season and game, and most TDs in a season. He was part of some legendary offenses that propelled Denver to two Super Bowls in three seasons, winning Super Bowl 50. He did all of this without generating any on- or off-field controversy, apart from raising anger in me that he was doing all of that for a team I hated.

When I heard about Thomas’ death last week, I was surprised. He was only 33 years old (his 34th birthday would’ve been on Christmas) and he had only been out of the league for less than two seasons. Sadly, given the unfortunate ways young former NFL players have passed away, my first guesses for how he died ranged from car accident to shooting/murder to CTE. Of course, the reality was much different — he was found dead in the shower after suffering medical complications (likely a seizure) from a 2019 car crash (he was doing 70 m.p.h. in a 30 zone, hit a median, and flipped multiple times). It was simply a tragic accident.

It was in the immediate aftermath, as reaction and tributes began pouring in, that I began to realize just how much of an impact Thomas had on everyone. Many of his former teammates — including Manning, Tebow, and even Tom Brady — haven’t just praised him after his passing. They used words and tones I would to describe my best friends and closest family members. Broncos fans reacted like someone in their family had in fact died. The speed and depth to how much the Broncos themselves paid tribute to Thomas themselves on Sunday was also notable. 

But what really made me want to write this piece is how much I learned about Thomas after his death. To say that he experienced adversity in his youth — not just impressively getting drafted in the 1st round despite coming from Georgia Tech’s triple option offense — is a gross understatement. When he was 11 years old, Thomas’ mother and grandmother were arrested during a drug raid (that Thomas was present for) and sentenced for their roles in a cocaine ring. Thomas bounced around from several relatives after that until finally finding a stable home with his aunt and uncle. After several years apart (he was extremely close to his mother growing up), Thomas was able to grow close to his mother again and eventually help get then-President Barack Obama to commute her sentence, as well as that of his grandmother. His dream was to reunite his once broken family on their own ranch back home in Georgia. Just when it seemed like he had arrived at the point in his life he had been long aiming towards, he was gone.

There’s another reason I wanted to touch on Thomas’ passing. Less than six years ago, Thomas was lifting the Lombardi Trophy. Now he’s dead. Even though someone in their 30’s has always seemed kind of old to us, that’s far from the case for everyone. What’s more, as we get older, 33 seems younger and younger (just four years away, baby!). Yes this was something that stemmed from that crash and not just a random medical issue like a brain aneurysm. But 33 is still incredibly young to go. Make sure you treasure every one of life’s moments. If anything, take this as a reason to calm the fuck down on the road (yeah I know I’m really the one who needs to take that advice).

Alright, enough of the somber news. Back to memes and shitting on people while they’re down.

STAT OF THE WEEK

That 33-3 record translates to a .916 winning percentage — by far the highest by a QB against a single opponent with that many games played. In terms of QBs with at least 30 games against a single team, Brady vs. the Bills is the most lopsided rivalry, followed closely by Brady vs. the Jets, which is 29-7 in favor of the former (the Dolphins are 24-12). Ben Roethlisberger is high on this list, with a 24-10 record against the Bengals and a staggering 25-3 record against the Browns. Brett Favre is third all-time (behind Brady and Brady) for most wins against a single team, posting 26 victories in 35 games against the Lions. Favre — and Aaron Rodgers — are both in the Top 10 as well because of their dominance against another foe — the Bears. Favre went 23-13 against Chicago, while Rodgers is an impressive 22-5. That’s 45-18 combined. No wonder Chicago hates the Packers so much.

Oh, and Brady’s three losses to Buffalo came in Week 1 of 2003 (31-0), Week 3 of 2011 (34-31), and Week 17 of 2014 (17-9, but Brady barely played). Brady made the Super Bowl in each of those seasons. God help us all… 

By the way, if you think Bills fans weren’t awesome already, read this. We need some good fan news to balance out what’s to come.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On December 16, 2001, a game between two of the NFL’s worst franchises was decided by one of the most controversial officiating decisions in history, which nearly caused a riot and led to a major change to the in-stadium experience. Heading into their Week 14 showdown with the 4-8 Jacksonville Jaguars, the Cleveland Browns were 6-6 and trying to keep hopes for their first playoff berth since being reinstated into the NFL alive. Jacksonville went up 9-0 in the 1st quarter, but Cleveland struck back with a 97-yard pick six by Anthony Henry to make it 9-7 in the 3rd quarter. After the teams traded a trio of FGs, the Browns found themselves down 15-10 with little time to play. Cleveland managed to drive deep into Jacksonville territory, but was facing a 4th and 2 from the 12-yard line with 1:08 remaining. Tom Couch connected with Quincy Morgan, who appeared to make the catch and bring up a new set of downs. Hurrying to the line, Couch spiked the ball with 48 seconds left. After blowing the whistle to stop the clock, the officials gathered and appeared to be discussing whether Couch double-pumped before the spike, which would mean intentional grounding. However, they instead decided to review Morgan’s catch, which had taken place two plays earlier and technically should no longer be reviewable (referee Terry McAulay told the Cleveland Stadium crowd that the replay booth had buzzed in before the spike snap). It was then determined that Morgan had failed to make the catch, therefore meaning the Browns hadn’t converted the 4th down and the Jaguars could now run out the clock. The call caused the home crowd — including the Dawg Pound — to explode in outrage. Fans began throwing anything they could onto the field, including plastic beer bottles (which the Browns’ beer sponsor, Miller Brewing Company, had introduced to eliminate plastic cups and reduce waste). A few players reported being hit, but there were no serious injuries. Some fans ran onto the field, but were quickly detained. After a few minutes, McAulay made an unsportsmanlike conduct gesture at the crowd and announced the end of the game, despite there being time left on the clock (something never done before in NFL history). Referees, players, and coaches then sprinted off the field, being pelted by objects on their way. Soon, then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue contacted McAulay and ordered him to complete the game. So some players — many who had already undressed and begun to shower — had to go back on the field. More than 20 minutes after the 4th down play, two kneel downs ended the game in a 15-10 Jaguars win. The loss contributed to the Browns missing the playoffs again and became the latest chapter in the franchise’s tortured history. Some fans who took part in the chaos were banned from Cleveland home games for four years. Many stadiums — including Cleveland Stadium — banned plastic bottles for beer, while the incident contributed to the practices of limiting beer purchases to two drinks per person per concession visit, ending alcohol sales after the 3rd quarter, and selling beer in aluminum bottles (with the caps removed), which are harder to throw great distances. But nothing could change the fact that “Bottlegate” had become a dark and infamous part of football history. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 BIGGEST BONEHEADED PLAYS IN NFL HISTORY

Given the inability of the Vikings to play a normal game of football and the Steelers’ extreme volatility this season, it seems silly in hindsight that we didn’t expect the Minnesota-Pittsburgh clash to be memorable. But no one could have foreseen the Vikings jumping out to a 29-0 lead before needing a Steelers drop in the end zone on the final play of the game to avoid blowing that certain victory. Since then, most of the talk has centered around what happened a few plays before Pat Freiermuth couldn’t hold onto the ball. Needing to convert a 4th and 1 with about 40 seconds left, Ben Roethlisberger found Chase Claypool for a nine-yard gain. Instead of immediately rushing to help the Steelers (who had no timeouts) get set to spike the ball, Claypool decided to celebrate and pose with the ball. Trai Turner tried to get the ball back, but in the chaos Eric Kendricks sneakily knocked the ball loose, with it bouncing away. At least five seconds passed between Claypool’s celebration and the Steelers recovering the ball, which meant that Pittsburgh could have run at least one more play at the end of the game — one more shot to tie the score, which was likely given their momentum at the time. Claypool’s dumbass move, which led to former Steeler Ryan Clark ripping him a new one, capped an overall forgettable night that saw Claypool be benched in the 1st quarter for getting called for unnecessary roughness, nearly fumble the ball away, then proceed to whiff a block that could’ve resulted in a 1st down on the very next play. What is it with Pittsburgh and diva WRs lately?

What Claypool also did was provide inspiration for this week’s Top 10 list. What are the dumbest plays in NFL history, where professional athletes who have played football for the vast majority of their lives simply have a complete brain fart and do something so incredibly stupid, you wouldn’t even have thought that could happen beforehand? We’re not just talking about a bad throw or a missed route. These have to be universally acknowledged as completely fucking dumb to the point where even armchair QBs can accurately claim they wouldn’t have done that if they were in the same situation. For this list, I’m sticking solely with instances where players have done something stupid, not coaches. That’s why the list won’t include Washington’s “swinging gate” play (stupid play design by Jim Zorn) or Indianapolis’ famous fake punt (the culmination of a catastrophe of miscommunication by the Colts). Those were more on the coaches trying to overthink the situation. But don’t worry, I still had plenty of material. These plays will be judged based on the context of the moment, whether they had an impact on the final outcome of the game, and just god goddamn idiotic they truly were.

HONORABLE MENTION: BENDING THE KNEE

Let’s start with someone who was involved in Thursday’s chaos — Kirk Cousins. Back in 2015, Cousins was still in Washington and had the Redskins in prime position to add to their 16-10 lead against the Philadelphia Eagles with seconds to go before halftime. All Cousins had to do was spike the ball to stop the clock and let the FG unit do their thing. But instead, Cousins for some reason took a knee, which meant the clock kept rolling until it ran out. Fortunately, Cousins did enough to redeem himself, as Washington still won 38-24 and clinched the NFC East title.

HONORABLE MENTION: JUST KICK IT OUT OF BOUNDS

Punting is often seen as a safe move, unless your opponent has a dangerous return man. Then, it’s best to just kick the ball out of bounds. In 2006, the Cardinals had to punt it back to the Bears, who were in the midst of an incredible comeback. Instead of booting the ball out, Scott Player kicked it to Devin Hester, who took it back for a TD to complete Chicago’s 24-23 win over Arizona. In 2010, Tom Coughlin told Matt Dodge not to let DeSean Jackson return the ball. But Dodge hit it right to Jackson, who ran it back to complete the Miracle at the New Meadowlands.

HONORABLE MENTION: GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

While “using your head” sounds like a smart idea in any other context, when it comes to Gus Frerotte, it’s a callback to one of the dumbest injuries in NFL history. In 1997, the then-Redskins QB had just opened up the scoring against the Giants with a short TD run. Pumped up, Frerotte decided to celebrate by headbutting a padded wall. Unfortunately for Frerotte, there was cement under that padding, which resulted in him getting a sprained neck as a result. With Frerotte out of the game, Washington couldn’t muster any more offense, but still managed to tie New York 7-7.

10. SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE FOOT

Years before he famously actually shot himself in the leg, Plaxico Burress was a rookie WR for the Steelers in 2000. As a rookie, you can’t afford to make many mistakes, especially mental ones. Unfortunately for Burress, he made a memorable one during Pittsburgh’s Week 5 game in Jacksonville. The Steelers were looking to put the game to bed when they faced a 3rd and 13 in the 4th quarter. Kordell Steward found Burress, who fell to the ground after a 19-yard gain. Unlike in college, where the play is blown dead as soon as the ball carrier goes down, in the NFL he has to be touched down unless he goes out of bounds. Burress, used to college rules, spiked the ball in celebration, even though he hadn’t been touched. Danny Clark recovered the live ball for the Jaguars, returning it 44 yards into Steelers territory. Fortunately for Burress, Jacksonville didn’t get any points from his blunder, getting stopped on 4th down in an eventual 24-13 Steelers win. In addition, no Pittsburgh WR has since done something dumb either on or off the field.

9. DROPPING THE BALL

In 2008, no WRs were taken in the 1st round of the NFL Draft — the first time it’s ever happened. What makes this even more interesting is that ten WRs were picked in the 2nd round, two of them being Jordy Nelson and DeSean Jackson. While Nelson didn’t make too much of an impact in his first NFL season, Jackson proved to be an explosive player on offense and special teams, finishing with 62 receptions, 912 yards, and two receiving TDs. It would’ve been three had it not been for a now-iconic gaffe during Philadelphia’s Monday Night Football matchup with Dallas in Week 2. In the 2nd quarter, Donovan McNabb launched a bomb to Jackson, who burned the Cowboys defense for a 61-yard TD. However, upon further review it was determined Jackson had thrown the ball away before crossing the goal line, nullifying the score. While the Eagles did end up scoring on the next play, they lost 41-37. However, Jackson managed to stay away from controversy after that, while no other football players did this exact same premature celebration. 

8. WHEN SCORING IS A BAD THING

Think about the incredible scenario a football team would have to find themselves in where scoring a TD would be a bad thing. Naturally, it would be the Falcons of all teams who would find themselves in that exact situation last season, during their Week 7 game against Detroit. Atlanta was trailing 16-14 with just over a minute to play, but had a 1st and Goal while the Lions had no timeouts. The Falcons planned to run the clock down, take a timeout with a few seconds left, and kick a FG as time expired. Matt Ryan even told Todd Gurley before the play that Detroit would let him score, but to just fall down before the end zone. Naturally, the Lions defense let up, but Gurley somehow stumbled past the goal line anyway. Now, while that wasn’t ideal, the TD still gave Atlanta a 22-16 lead, meaning the only way they could lose was Detroit somehow going down the field and scoring a TD in just over a minute. Guess what happened. If you guys ever have kids (Dad obviously being the lone exception), make sure they’re not Falcons fans. 

7. TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH

Ronnie Brown had a solid if not spectacular NFL career, which lasted ten seasons and saw him accumulate nearly 7,400 total yards and 40 TDs despite injury issues. However, perhaps the most famous play of Brown’s career came when he joined the Eagles in 2011. That was the year Vince Young gave Philadelphia the nickname “Dream Team” due to offseason acquisitions like Brown. However, the Eagles finished 8-8 and missed out on the playoffs and NFC East title by one game to the eventual Super Bowl champion New York Giants. One of those losses came in Week 4 against the 49ers. In the 2nd quarter, facing 3rd and Goal from San Francisco’s one-yard line, Brown got the ball but appeared to be stuffed behind the line. In a desperate attempt to keep the play alive, Brown tried to pass the ball to a teammate, only for it to go right to the 49ers, who recovered it. Had Brown just held on, the Eagles would’ve made an east FG. Philadelphia would go on to lose 24-23 and, to the joy of at least one fan, Brown would not be on the team in 2012.

6. FORGETTING 4TH DOWNHe and the Buccaneers may have gone on to win a Super Bowl later that season, but I’m not letting Tom Brady’s inexplicable mental lapse last year fly under the radar. While questions were still swirling around whether Brady still had it and whether Tampa Bay’s swell of new players would be able to gel, the Buccaneers went to Chicago for a Week 5 

Thursday Night Football showdown. Despite Tampa Bay jumping out to a 13-0 lead, the Bears and Brady’s arch nemesis Nick Foles had battled back and had kicked a FG to take a 20-19 lead with just over a minute to play. But you know how it goes — give Brady any time and he’ll make the comeback. However, the Buccaneers soon faced 4th and 6, with an incomplete pass to Cameron Brate meaning a turnover on downs and a Bears win. Brady seemed confused, holding up four fingers to signal it should now be 4th down. Turns out, Brady had mistakenly thought 4th down was 3rd down, unintentionally throwing away the game on actual 4th down. I bet Joe Montana never did that.

5. MACK & MOORE MADNESS

Being a Raiders fan is a hazard to my health (just look at this season). There have even been times where I swore the Silver & Black were actually trying to kill me. Take 2014 for example, when Oakland started 0-10 yet were somehow leading the 7-3 Chiefs 24-20 with less than a minute to play in their Week 12 Thursday Night Football showdown. A win seemed even more likely when Sio Moore dragged Alex Smith down for a sack to make it 4th and 13. Unaware that the clock was ticking, Moore proceeded to launch into a lengthy celebration, joined by Khalil Mack and Benson Mayowa. As Kansas City scrambled to get set, Mayowa realized what was happening and tried to run back. But Moore and Mack went on to do an elaborate handshake some 15 yards behind where the Chiefs were just about to snap the ball and draw a penalty for offside. Fortunately, Justin Tuck had the presence of mind to call a timeout just in time. The Raiders were able to stop Kansas City on 4th down and Tuck didn’t beat his teammates to death.

4. SAFETY DAN

By all accounts, Dan Orlovsky is a quality analyst for ESPN and is a fantastic supplier of meatballs for Mina Kimes to crush for home runs on Twitter. But I just can’t take him seriously, because of the most famous play of his career and arguably the most famous gaffe in NFL history. As you all know, the 2008 Lions were the first team to finish 0-16 and just the second winless NFL team ever (eventually joined by the 2007 Cleveland Browns). The closest Detroit ever got to a win — both by score and game context — was in Week 6 at Minnesota. Late in the 1st quarter, the Lions faced a 3rd and 10 from their own one-yard line. Jared Allen burst through the line and bolted after Orlovsky, who unintentionally ran out of bounds in the back of the end zone while trying to escape. Despite the most hilarious safety of all time, the Lions actually were winning 10-9 late in the 4th quarter. But then “Mr. Headbutt” Gus Frerotte led the Vikings down the field (thanks in part to a controversial PI call). Minnesota hit a FG to win 12-10 at the buzzer.

3. WRONG WAY, JIM!

Jim Marshall is one of the NFL’s greatest iron men, having set numerous records in terms of starts and overall defensive statistics. He was a great player and narrowly missed being on my “Best NFL Players not in the HOF” list at the start of the season. However, Marshall also made one of the dumbest plays in NFL history, one that for decades made him the poster boy for mistakes on the field. It came in 1964, during the Vikings’ Week 7 showdown with the 49ers. Minnesota was up 27-17 in the 4th quarter, with Marshall having forced a fumble by George Mira that Carl Eller ran back for a TD on the previous possession. On the ensuing drive, San Francisco’s Billy Kilmer caught a pass from Mira, but fumbled the ball. Marshall picked it up and ran 66 yards for what he thought was another TD. However, he was running the wrong way, going into Minnesota’s end zone and throwing the ball out of bounds for a safety. Fortunately for Marshall, the Vikings were able to put away the 49ers 27-22, although no one remembers that.

2. LOSING HIS HEAD

This play goes this high up not just because of the scale of the idiocy, but the absolutely insane context of the play. The 2002 season opener between the Browns and Chiefs was a straight up shootout that was going down to the wire, with Cleveland clinging to a 39-37 lead with just four seconds left to play and Kansas City at their 47-yard line. Trent Green stepped back to pass, but was seemingly brought down by Dwayne Rudd. However, Green had thrown the ball up in desperation, with OT John Tait catching the ball and running with it, before being pushed out at Cleveland’s 26-yard line with no time on the clock. While the game was apparently over, the referees called an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on Rudd, who — thinking he had sacked Green to end the game — took off his helmet and threw it into their air. The premature celebration gave Kansas City one more, untimed play, which allowed Morten Anderson to boot a 30-yard FG to win the game 40-39. Keep in mind, this happened literally the next season after Bottlegate.  

1. LETTING THEM DOWN TWICE

Ah, Leon Lett. Despite winning three Super Bowls and being an important part of the Cowboys’ dynasty of the 1990’s, Lett is best remembered for not one, but two of the dumbest plays in NFL history. The first took place late in the 4th quarter of Super Bowl XXVII, with Dallas in complete control up 52-17. Lett recovered a Buffalo fumble and appeared to be in the clear for a TD, so he slowed down and held the ball out to celebrate. That allowed the Bills’ Don Beebe — who was chasing from behind — to catch up and knock the ball loose for a touchback. While the play prevented Dallas from clinching the record for most points in Super Bowl history, it didn’t impact the outcome of the game. However, the same cannot be said for what happened ten months later, during the Cowboys’ Thanksgiving Day matchup with the Dolphins. A missed Miami FG late in the game was mistakenly bobbled by Lett, who had he done nothing would’ve allowed Dallas to win. Instead, the Dolphins got another shot and made it this time, winning 16-14.

But you know who’s even dumber? Whoever allowed this to happen.

FOOTBALL IN HOLLYWOOD

I’ve been seeing a shit ton of commercials for American Underdog lately. The film, which premiers on Christmas, chronicles the story of Kurt Warner — his rise from grocery store employee to Arena Bowl hero to unexpected Super Bowl champion to Pro Football HOFer. Zachary Levi plays Warner, while Dennis Quaid (Dick Vermeil), Anna Paquin (Brenda Warner), and Chance Kelly (Mike Martz) will see plenty of screentime. From what I’ve seen of the trailers, this film looks like it’s going to be terrible. The costumes, in particular the gear the Rams are wearing, look like they’re from a high school football movie, not the goddamn NFL in the 21st century. The football action shots and lighting look weird and it’s leaning into “having faith” a bit too much. As incredible as Warner’s actual story is, I fear American Underdog will be just as underwhelming.

However, compared to what I saw on Tuesday, American Underdog will win a fucking Oscar.

Turns out, there’s another major football movie being made. It’s called Home Team and it stars Kevin James as Sean Payton. I’m not kidding. Home Team covers Payton’s year-long suspension due to Bountygate, during which time he spent coaching his son’s 6th grade football team. Now I see how this might work — having Payton realize what’s right and taking an emotional reflection on his football career and philosophy while bonding with his son would be an intriguing premise. Here’s how I imagine the conversation went in Hollywood.

Movie Exec 1: So we’re making a serious sports drama about Sean Payton — who by the way is relatively small and skinny — and his role in one of the most violent scandals in football history. Who should we cast as Payton?

Movie Exec 2: I’ve got it — Kevin James! We won’t even ask him to slim down for the role. Also, instead of a serious tone, how about we make it a goofy kids movie where they throw up on their opponents instead of blocking them and one of the kids says “butthole” several times?

Movie Exec 1: … you’re a genius! Let’s celebrate with an early lunch while continuing to not make a good video game movie.

Holy shit Home Team looks fucking terrible. If that description and trailer (and the fact that they cast Kevin fucking James as Sean Payton) wasn’t enough to convince you, remember that not only does this movie include Taylor Lautner, but also Rob Schneider. That’s basically the kiss of death for any film. Even my coworker who’s from New Orleans doesn’t want to see it (he still will because he’s a Saints fan, which makes it even funnier).

This may even be a worse Netflix production than Cowboy Bebop.

QUARTER-FINAL PREVIEW

1. 49ERS VS. 8. FOOTBALLDAMUS

So it begins. In this case, 49ers are the orcs charging at the gate, ready to finally break through and get their hands on something metal and shiny. The first army to meet them will be that of Footballdamus, who some might consider the weakest of the eight playoff armies. But there are some reasons for hope of Riaz pulling off a monumental upset. The main one is Nick Chubb, who will essentially be the only offensive focus for the Browns after the metric shit ton of positive covid-19 tests in Cleveland. If Chubb can’t get anything going, it will be up to Josh Jacobs going up against perhaps a tired Browns defense. Jalen Hurts is back in Riaz’s lineup — he, D.K. Metcalf, and Mike Williams have potential to provide some big sparks (the Cardinals defense also has a mouth-watering matchup with the Lions). Can that be enough to take down Gee’s mighty lineup, headlined by Aaron Rodgers, Jonathan Taylor, Najee Harris, Justin Jefferson, and Javonte Williams? Riaz may need to pull another 172-point effort out of his ass.  

4. THE KRISPY KRITTERS VS. 5. PLEASE GOD WIN

Oh how in the fuck am I supposed to preview this game? The Krispy Kritters and Please God Win are the two most volatile teams in the league, so naturally they’re meeting up in the quarter-finals. I wrote about how Kyle nearly matched his previous two point totals last week alone. Richard meanwhile has scored 130+ points three times, yet this year failed to break 50 by losing the worst game in league history. However the hell this matchup will play out, we’ll likely get a good idea tonight, when the Chiefs and Chargers collide on FOX40 (be sure to watch!). Richard’s allegiance is unclear — he currently has both Justin Herbert and Kansas City’s defense. Kyle on the other hand is hoping for big days from Travis Kelce, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and Dustin Hopkins. Kyle also employs the Vikings defense and Eric Kendricks, along with Chris Godwin, who will battle Richard’s Leonard Fournette and Rob Gronkowski for points. Of course, Kyle still has his one-two punch of Josh Allen and Davante Adams, although he’ll be hoping for less drama around them.

2. DIXIE NORMOUS VS. 7. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL

Playoffs guarantee rematches from the regular season. But here, we have a race instance of two teams facing off for a third time in one season. Way back in Week 1, Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell (back when Cole Beasley was the namesake) edged out Dixie Normous by just eight points. Two weeks ago, Nick got his revenge, taking advantage of Buffalo’s biblical winter weather to top me by four points. I don’t think matchup No. 3 will be as close, nor do I hope it will be, for the sake of Nick’s heart and my own. For Nick, the action also starts tomorrow with Austin Ekeler and Tyreek Hill, then continues Saturday with Daniel Carlson (I’ll also get going with Hunter Renfrow). But Sunday will see the two biggest question marks for both of us face off. Dak Prescott has been wildly inconsistent, but amazing when good. Saquin Barkley hasn’t been amazing in a long time, but he still has that potential. Nick does have an advantage in that if I need Tom Brady to make a late comeback, Mike Evans can throw a wrench in that effort.

3. YEA BABY! VS. 6. SLEEPING GIANTS

As of this writing, both Yea baby! and Sleeping Giants are projected to score 115 points — they’re separated by just .35 points. Looking at both lineups, there’s certainly a potential for both to have an explosion of offense. Dad will be looking for Pat Mahomes to find the end zone a lot tonight, but every time he comes up short Harrison Butker will do his thing for Arik. But perhaps the most intriguing QB in this matchup is Arik’s. Rolling the dice with Tua Tagovailoa, Arik could double dip if Jaylen Waddle (edit: nevermind) can get going (Dad has the Dolphins defense). This matchup is also one of superstar RBs — Aaron Jones (Dad) and Alvin Kamara (Arik) — as well as studly 49ers players who could either get 20+ points or get even more injured — Deebo Samuel (Arik) and Eli Mitchell (Dad). If this battle comes down to the WRs, each have their powerful weapons, with Dad bosting CeeDee Lamb and Marquise Brown and Arik answering with Diontae Johnson and Cordarrelle Patterson. This could end up being the best matchup of the quarter-finals.

ONE LAST THING

FlatStick Pub — a wonderful new bar located right by the Golden 1 Center with several good drink options, a good food menu, and a surprising amount of attractive women. But it also contains two playing fields for competitors to battle it out to be the best at non-real golf.

Six opponents entered the ring on Saturday night — Jimmy, Gee, Nick, Arik, Chriss, and myself. They would compete in two challenges — nine holes of mini-golf and nine holes of duffleboard, which is basically mini-mini-golf combined with skeeball, where you push a ball along a table course with something that looks like a giant, bladeless razor. The winners would not only earn bragging rights, but also free drinks. The losers, meanwhile, would face the ultimate wrath — me talking shit about them in the newsletter (and buying the next round of drinks).

The first challenge was mini-golf, which was slightly slowed down by the fact that the people ahead of us were in a party of ten and played like they’d never even held a golf club in their lives. You can get a good look at the first three holes in the pic above — they spell out “S-A-C.” Arik jumped out to an early lead by earning a 2 on the first whole, while most of the rest of us made it in 4. Jimmy, having seen the other five people go ahead of him, still somehow got a 6. After breezing through Hole 2 (partially because we somehow didn’t see the drop location spray painted on the goddamn hole), I somehow snuck a shot through most of Hole 3, taking the lead with a 2. Chriss would be the one to get a 2 and get ahead on Hole 4, but everyone was still within four strokes of each other going into Hole 5.

It was then we realized what we were in for — Hole 5 would be a one-shot hole, where we had just one stroke to get our ball across the hole and into a section marked with a number, which would be how many strokes we got. Miraculously, most of us survived, with Gee and Grimble landing in the largest numbers. After an easy Hole 6, Hole 7 would reflect upon a rule we made to reduce the maximum number of strokes her hole from 8 to 6. Hole 7 was a volcano hole, which is my nightmare and single handedly knocked me out of the lead. Gee didn’t fare better on this one, racking up his second 6 in three holes. Arik and Chriss were starting to come into their own, however, with Chriss earning a 2 on both Hole 7 and Hole 8 and Arik a 3 on Hole 7 and an incredible hole in 1 on Hole 8 (a feat also achieved by Nick). With Arik getting a 3 on the final hole (and finishing with a 26), Chriss opted to not go for 1 and a tie for first, instead also settling for a 3 (and a final tally of 28) and second place, with Nick barely holding off a Jimmy comeback to finish third with a score of 30.

Then we moved on to the second competition of the game — duffleboard, which most of us had never played before. This round saw basically two different battles — the one to finish first and the one to not finish last. When it came to the former, Chriss had the lead late, but saw Arik and Nick tie the score with holes in 1 on Hole 8. Jimmy also got a hole in 1, then proceeded to score a clutch three-strole Hole 9 to force a four-way tie. Given that we had a spare ball, it was up to Gee and I to choose which hole the playoff would be held in. We chose Hole 3, with Arik setting the pace early with a 3. Chriss and Nick couldn’t match, but Jimmy sent the contest to double OT with a 3 of his own. After Arik missed his second attempt, Jimmy not only chose the smaller hole to aim for, but sunk it to win a dramatic duffleboard result and get free drinks for himself.

As for the latter race, it too was close up until the end. However, the person who finished last was also the same person who brought up the rear in mini-golf. Gentlemen, give it up for Gee!

While the rest of us were drinking and voluntarily reducing our ability to play golf or quite frankly think coherently, you stuck to water, meaning you were sober the entire time. Yet, you STILL managed to come in last both times. You sir truly suck at mini-golf and duffleboard. There is zero excuse for this kind of failure. I lost count of how many drinks Arik and Jimmy consumed. Chriss and Nick kept playing Pokemon Go at FlatStick. Hell, I was more concentrated on eating my quesadilla and birria tacos than actually playing duffleboard and I still managed to get a lower score than you. For all of your fantasy football prowess (which need I remind you has only netted you one piece of silverware in a decade), you suck at real life sports, especially mini-golf. Perhaps the only people you could actually beat are those ladies who went before us and took for-fucking-ever to finish, despite not waiting for the ball to finish rolling before taking their next stroke. I can’t even decide whether to roll right into a joke about you having a stroke on either course or a joke about having better luck stroking off to that gym bae — that’s how terrible you were. The most successful thing you did all night (besides buy us drinks) was manage to find the secret bar in the basement of Koja Kitchen. Even Tiger Woods (immediately after snapping his leg in half) would do better swinging a club than you. A win at mini-golf/duffleboard for Gee is even rarer than a win by the Sacramento Kings (shoutout to unbeaten NBA head coach Doug Christie). For your performance on Saturday night, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. 

See you boys at Topgolf on Saturday!

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness