I saw Spider-Man: No Way Home over the weekend. Because I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone (I’m giving you all until the next newsletter), I can’t really go into detail in a review. However, the image below is pretty reflective of how I feel.
Also, the film is good because it gives me a free idea for a newsletter theme!
QUARTER-FINALS RECAP
1. 49ERS DEF. 8. FOOTBALLDAMUS
105.72 – 105.54
Goddamn it we were so close… so close to the greatest upset in Epic League history! While 49ers were expected to roll over Footballdamus, Gee instead came within minutes of game time from pulling a 2007 Dallas Mavericks. Aaron Rodgers (23 points) and Jonathan Taylor (23 points) may have been their usual selves, but poor efforts from Najee Harris and Tee Higgins left the door open for Riaz, who nearly seized the opportunity with a late push from Jalen Hurts (28 points) and Nick Chubb (15 points). Unfortunately, that push ended up not being enough. You could point to a number of “what ifs” that may have changed the outcome — one pass from Russell Wilson to D.K. Metcalf that wasn’t underthrown, the fluke INT by Hurts that bounced off Dallas Goedert’s heel, Taylor’s massive late run, Mike Williams bobbling two TDs in the 1st quarter, the Cardinals defense shitting the bed against the Lions of all teams. But all we can do is lament the history nearly made by Riaz, who came agonizingly close to creating chaos.
5. THIS W’S FOR GODWIN DEF. 4. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
109.20 – 69.64
Even though This W’s for Godwin had the easiest time out of anyone this past weekend, Kyle may feel the worst out of the semi-finalists. First, the good news — Travis Kelce (31 points) basically ended the matchup early, with Josh Allen (21 points) and the Vikings defense (15 points) adding nearly enough points to beat the Krispy Kritters by themselves. Richard’s lineup, after putting up stellar totals over the past few weeks, chose the worst time to completely shit the bed. Only Justin Herbert (24 points) did anything noteworthy — literally everyone apart from Matt Gay did jack shit to improve Richard’s point total. Now, the bad news for Kyle. Kelce — whose performance was so great that it masked an overall mediocre performance by the rest of Kyle’s lineup — is now among the shit ton of NFL players on the COVID-19 list. As if that weren’t bad enough, Chris Godwin is now out for the year with an injury. Kyle may have won and secured a spot in the semi-finals, but some people would consider this a pyrrhic victory.
2. DIXIE NORMOUS DEF. 7. AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL
115.28 – 85.66
There are many reasons I hate Tom Brady. There’s the whole Tuck Rule thing, the winning a lot while being a part of multiple cheating scandals thing, the getting every single call while bitching up a storm whenever he doesn’t thing, and the general weird dude who open-mouth kisses his son and advertises pseudoscience fitness methods (and supports Donald Trump) thing. But now I have a whole new reason. Even though Brady is evil, I still dabbled in the dark arts by taking him as Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell’s QB. Through 14 weeks, that looked like a good move; Brady led the league in passing yards and TDs. But when I needed him in the playoffs to give me some breathing room against Dixie Normous, he put up arguably the worst performance of his career (FIVE FUCKING POINTS!!!) and gets shut out for the first time in 15 years. Perfect fucking timing! Sure, Cooper Kupp (25 points) and Tyreek Hill (20 points) made sure Nick would’ve likely won anyway. But that doesn’t take the knife out of my back. Fuck Tom Brady.
6. SLEEPING GIANTS DEF. 3. YEA BABY!
94.30 – 78.44
Turns out, I wasn’t the only one to get screwed by players who typically did well in the regular season. Yea baby! was carried all season by a strong running game, with Alvin Kamara and Cordarrelle Patterson in particular providing the power. But this time Arik would be left out to dry. Patterson was repeatedly stuffed and did nothing, with Arik’s best player — Deebo Samuel (14 points) — being a better RB. In fact, apart from Tua Tagovailoa (15 points) and Devante Parker (13 points), no one else gave Arik double-digits. Incredibly, that’s still more than the entire Sleeping Giants roster. Dad only had two players get more than ten points, but he made sure they counted. Pat Mahomes (31 points) finally returned to form, while Aaron Jones (13 points) made his presence felt. Even so, Arik was still within striking distance late. However, for the second time in as many recaps, a star player in the Saints-Buccaneers game (Kamara) failed to live up to expectations. As a result, Dad moves on, while Arik doesn’t feel good, Mr. Stark.
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: While Travis Kelce always has the potential to go off, he hasn’t met those expectations in most weeks this season. But when Kyle needed him most, Kelce came through, putting up a whopping 31 points to give Kyle instant breathing room. Kelce’s production — as great as that of Pat Mahomes — could be missed should he be forced to sit out this week due to positive tests.
WORST: Huh, who could this award possibly go towards? Maybe it’ll be the literal MVP front runner who picked the worst possible time to completely shit the bed and get shut out for the first time in 15 years. Tom Brady is a bitch — he has forever been a bitch and will continue to be a bitch even well after retirement. Why don’t you go pout and throw some more tablets? Asshole.
TRANSACTION
BEST: Even given my actual favorite team, I’m glad I’m not a Bears fan. Needing big points from David Montgomery, I was forced to watch a shit show of offensive ineptitude put in by Chicago. Minnesota would take advantage in the form of several turnovers and key stops. Those points by the Vikings defense would all go to Kyle, who picked them up and dropped the Bengals defense.
WORST: Given that Dad has Eli Mitchell, he should know who will replace Mitchell while he’s injured. That turned out to be Jeff Wilson Jr., who had a fantastic 17-point day. However, Wilson was nowhere to be on Dad’s roster, having been cut for a player who — if I have my way — will not be inserted into the lineup. In fact, that player is now at the center of a potential league scandal.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: Once again, no major good or bad decisions this week. So I’ll use this section to address an unusual move. Chriss, why the fuck did you drop Matt Stafford for Baker Mayfield? From a pure football standpoint, dropping a potential MVP candidate for a player on COVID-19 protocol is strange enough. But there’s another reason why this move doesn’t work: you’re eliminated.
WORST: The whole point of eliminated teams not adjusting their rosters is so people don’t just release their best players, who will get picked up by the lower waiver wire teams and as a result sandbag the rest of the playoffs. I’ve instructed Dad (who picked up Stafford) not to play him at all, or else these entire playoffs could get thrown into chaos (if they haven’t already been).
LUCK
BEST: In order to pull off an upset, you need some luck to go your way. For Dad, that luck began with a late rally that saw three TDs by Pat Mahomes in the final 15 minutes of game time. It ended when Alvin Kamara couldn’t get a damn thing going (not to mention the worst game of the season for Cordarrelle Patterson happening at the same time). Dad didn’t take the biggest punch.
WORST: Seriously, think about how you would feel as the lowest playoff seed to come up fewer than .2 points away from upsetting the top seed. Now imagine the bullshit like Mike Williams’ drops by the end zone, the overthrows of D.K. Metcalf by Russell Wilson, and the Jalen Hurts INT that literally bounced off someone’s heel. One fewer bad bounce and Riaz would’ve pulled it off.
IN MEMORIAM
FOOTBALLDAMUS (RIAZ)
Not once during the season did Footballdamus have any sort of consistency, unless you consider that they were consistently inconsistent. It began with the draft, where despite making good choices like Nick Chubb, D.K. Metcalf, Jalen Hurts, Kyle Pitts, and Mike Williams, Riaz became the meme of the day by picking J.K. Dobbins in the 5th round, just hours after it was revealed Dobbins tore his ACL. Injuries and other nonsense would also impact guys like Josh Jacobs, Antonio Brown, and Ronald Jones. For pretty much the entire season, Riaz alternated between good & respectable performances and poor and questionable efforts. Riaz won a game while scoring 172 points — he also won a game while scoring 57 points. Through the uncertainty, Riaz found one constant — getting lucky enough to have by far the fewest points scored against and thus make the playoffs. Even though the wheel landed on “do well,” Riaz’s effort in the quarter-finals wasn’t enough. The pendulum would’ve swung back around in the semi-finals anyway.
AARON RODGERS’ BRAIN CELL (RUBEN)
Whether being named after a dipshit Bills WR or a conspiracy theorist Packers QB, Aaron Rodgers’ Brain Cell was doomed by the biggest issue facing fantasy football title hopefuls — inconsistent RB production. That began during the draft, when I risked it all by taking Saquon Barkley. The next four picks? Austin Ekeler, Jonathan Taylor, and Najee Harris (and Davante Adams). Swing and a-fucking miss. Even though David Montgomery and D’Andre Swift were productive, injuries to them and Barkley threw my lineup into chaos during the middle of the season. More injuries to Logan Thomas and Corey Davis didn’t help, either. However, my WRs and defense (back when the Rams were good) helped carry my offense, along with the QB who through Week 14 had more TDs and passing yards than any other this season. Tom Brady was definitely my regular season MVP. The problem? Brady was the Brutus to my Caesar, stabbing me in the back in the quarter-finals and rendering any chance I had of an upset win totally null.
THE KRISPY KRITTERS (RICHARD)
After a year of being forced to watch the Krispy Kritters nearly go winless while being unable to login and adjust his lineup, Richard came back with a vengeance. Derrick Henry, Clyde Edwards-Helaire, A.J. Brown, Tyler Lockett, and Raheem Mostert were all solid picks and provided some production. Unfortunately, they all missed significant time, with the majority of them currently out for the regular season. The worst hit was Henry’s season-ending injury, which seemingly was going to end Richard’s season along with it. However, Richard actually had a better win rate without Henry than with him in his lineup (although one loss was in the worst game in Epic League history and another was to Taylor of all people). In fact, Richard had one of the more solid performances going into the playoffs, with three straight games with at least 123 points going into the quarter-finals. However, Rochard came out completely flat, putting up just 70 points. It was only the second time all season Richard failed to score more than 90 points — that’s bad luck.
YEA BABY! (ARIK)
Fantasy football gods: “Hey, do you want some bad luck?” Arik: Yea baby!” (sorry that was bad and I feel bad). But yeah Arik faced some truly shit fortune this season. Second pick Calvin Ridley straight up noped out of the season, while injuries to Miles Sanders and others slowed him down as well. Then we have Christian McCaffrey — the No. 1 overall pick being taken out early for the second year in a row. But unlike Dad last season, Arik wasn’t doomed by McCaffrey’s injury, thanks to some clever maneuvers. Getting rid of Ridley in exchange for Deebo Samuel, adding Cordarrelle Patterson and (eventually) Russell Wilson for McCaffrey and Josh Allen. That, combined with other solid draft picks, not only kept Arik alive, but also in one of the top positions all season. However, Arik unexpectedly fell flat during the playoffs when the win was there for the taking. One of those trades — that saw Alvin Kamara added in exchange for James Conner and Mark Andrews — unknowingly might’ve turned the tide of that battle in favor of Arik after all.
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
The Raiders almost lost to an XFL team — that’s basically what the COVID-19 depleted Cleveland Browns were on Monday. Let’s just move on with the knowledge we narrowly avoided a legendary pissed off rant from yours truly.
Congrats to Maxx Crosby, Denzel Perryman, and A.J. Cole on making the Pro Bowl! Daniel Carlson should be joining them.
STAT OF THE WEEK
I am truly, truly fucking cursed. Fuck you, Tom Brady.
The NFL is scripted. We’re living in a simulation. Can’t wait to see this happen again on December 16, 2058 (which is a Monday, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility).
Also, it’s insane how poorly some people have a grasp on when to go for it and when to take the points. The key: don’t be a fucking idiot.
Of course there’s a useless but timely stat for Spider-Man week.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 23, 1962, the longest championship game in professional American football history played out between two Texas teams who no longer call the Lone Star state home. The Houston Oilers had won the first two AFL championships and were looking to complete the three-peat in the 1962 title game. They were up against the Dallas Texans, the second team to have that name (another Dallas Texans team had gone 1-11 in the 1952 NFL season before folding entirely). Both Houston and Dallas ran through their respective divisions and had split their regular season series. The rubber match started fast, with the Oilers running down to the Texans’ four-yard line. But a George Blanda INT and return to near the goal line resulted in Houston drawing first blood with a FG. After a missed Blanda FG, the Texans increased their lead to 10-0 with an Abner Haynes TD. Another Blanda INT led to another Haynes TD to make it 17-0 just before halftime (during which Texans QB Len Dawson was named Player of the Year and given a Mercury S55 convertible. Undeterred by the picks, Blanda came out throwing in the 3rd quarter, hitting Willard Dewveall to cut the lead to 17-7. The teams traded turnovers before a near-fumble by Houston prevented a TD, but couldn’t stop a FG to make it 17-10. Charlie Tolar later tied the game at 17 with a short TD run and Blanda had a chance to win it with his leg, but his kick was blocked. Even though Haynes fucked up the OT coin toss, neither team could get anything going on offense in the extra frame. Then, with 48 seconds left in OT, Blanda was picked off one more time. After a few plays to advance the ball, Tommy Brooker kicked a FG 2:54 into double OT to clinch the title for the Texans, 20-17. Two other pro football games have since lasted longer than this, but neither came in a championship game. After this game, both teams would go in opposite directions — quite literally. Despite winning the title, the Texans decided Dallas couldn’t support two football teams (don’t forget about the Cowboys), so they moved to Kansas City and renamed themselves the Chiefs. The Oilers would never win another title and left Houston in 1996, becoming the Tennessee Titans. Of course, when the NFL came back to Houston in 2002, the new club took inspiration from the Oilers’ former title game foes and called themselves the Texans. Now, you may say this game is technically AFL history and not NFL history — you’d be right. However, the only significant historical NFL moment that took place on December 23 is not one I will be mentioning anytime soon. Let’s just say it has a name that rhymes with “Ejaculate Deception” and it can go fuck itself.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 WORST HEAD COACHES IN NFL HISTORY
After the debacle that has been the Jacksonville Jaguars season, many are putting Urban Meyer up with the worst coaches in NFL history. But is he really? (Spoiler alert: yes) But where does he fit among his terrible peers? That takes a bit to answer, especially because of the treasure trove of horrific hires I discovered during my research. Even though I limited my bad coaching search to the Super Bowl era, I still had plenty of material to work with. From the obvious choices to the old favorites to names you’ve never heard of (for good reason), NFL history is full of truly shitty coaching. That’s why there have to be some conditions. First, mostly terrible jobs can be spared from this list with even one goodish season. Steve Spagnuolo was awful for the Rams, but that one 7-9 season elevates him above other names just by being less shit. Rich Kotite was legendarily terrible for the Jets, but he had two winning seasons in Philadelphia. Adam Gase — enough said. But somehow Gase does have a playoff appearance on his resume, so he skips the list. In addition, one name I’m simply not sure about is Steve Wilks — he did only last one season in Arizona, but most coaches on this list would kill for the three wins Wilks got for the Cardinals. I’m also giving some leniency to coaches who were in charge at the start of an expansion franchise’s life. Were Norb Hecker and Chris Palmer awful coaches, or would even Vince Lombardi (who was offered the Falcons job) and Bill Belichick (a former Browns coach himself) have struggled in the first years of Atlanta and Cleveland? It’s too close to call. Similarly, teams who struggle for a long time and go from coach to coach like they’re changing pairs of underwear make it tough to determine how bad a coach truly is. Trust me, I’m a fan of one of those teams.
HONORABLE MENTION: LANE KIFFIN/DENNIS ALLEN
Given New Orleans’ shutout of Tom Brady and the Buccaneers (still bitter), many are putting Dennis Allen’s name in the mix of potential coaches for next season. Let Allen’s back-to-back 4-12 finishes as Raiders head coach (and 0-4 start in Year 3 before his firing) serve as a note of caution for prospective GMs. Then of course we have Mr. Meme himself, Lane Kiffin. Make no mistake, the Lane Train went off the fucking rails in Oakland. However, Kiffin’s 5-15 record isn’t that bad compared to others on this list, especially given he was working with… him (shudder).
HONORABLE MENTION: RICK VENTURI
Rick Venturi technically was never a permanent NFL head coach. He twice held interim roles, being in charge of the Colts in 1991 and the Saints in 1996. Even with the interim label, Venturi was appalling, finishing with a combined 2-17 record in charge of an NFL team. If you think that’s bad, wait til you see what Venturi did as the head coach of Northwestern. In three years in charge of the Wildcats, Venturi went 1-31-1, with no wins in 27 games against opposing Big Ten schools. Venturi now works as a broadcaster — I can’t believe anyone takes what he says seriously.
HONORABLE MENTION: DAVE SHULA
Even being related to football royalty doesn’t guarantee you success as a head coach. Take Dave Shula — son of the late icon Don Shula — for example. Shula was just 32 years old when he took over the Bengals (even younger than his dad was [33] when he got his first head coaching gig]). But unlike his dad, Shula never got close to any such success in Cincinnati. Shula had a measly 19-52 record in just under four-and-a-half years with the Bengals (how did he last that long?). After Shula was fired, Cincinnati finished the 1996 season on a 7-2 run under his successor.
HONORABLE MENTION: ROD DOWHOWER
Speaking of following football royalty, Rod Dowhower was Bill Walsh’s successor at Stanford after the latter left for the 49ers. Dowhower soon left to become an NFL assistant before getting his own head coaching gig in Indianapolis. To say Dowhower’s tenure with the Colts didn’t go like Walsh’s in San Francisco would be an understatement. After finishing 5-11 in Dowhower’s first season, Indianapolis started the following year 0-13 before pulling the plug. Incredibly, you can make the argument Dowhower wasn’t the Colts’ worst coach in the previous five years.
HONORABLE MENTION: FRANK KUSH
That’s because the previous non-interim head coach in Indianapolis was Frank Kush, a legend at Arizona State. Kush guided the Sun Devils for over 20 years, but was fired after tampering with an investigation into actions against players. Kush had a militaristic style (blamed on a Napoleon complex), which caused John Elway to not want to play for the Colts. It may not have mattered if Kush was a good coach. But he went 0-8-1 in his first season, then 7-9 in the Colts’ last year in Baltimore, then left Indianapolis one game early in 1984 (and a 4-11 record) for a USFL job.
10. GUS BRADLEY
Like several people on this list, Gus Bradley has seen great success as an assistant coach, namely helping establish the Legion of Boom in Seattle and somehow turning the Raiders defense into a respectable unit. But a head coach has to have a handle on all sides of the ball, not just one. Granted, Bradley had a tough job to do in turning around the Jaguars after arriving in Jacksonville in 2013. But Bradley was also given plenty of time to accomplish that goal. He even had a hand in selecting the franchise’s new QB — Blake Bortles. That decision was even worse than his overall record in Jacksonville, which was 14-48. Not once did Bradley win more than five games while in charge, including in his last season of 2015, which saw him fired with two games to spare and Jacksonville at 2-12. What damns Bradley even more is that a year after the defensive-minded coach was fired, the Jaguars went 10-6 and made the AFC championship game, led by their ferocious defense. At least Bradley was able to win the 2014 Senior Bowl.
9. LOU HOLTZ
One of the greatest college football coaches in history, Lou Holtz made one foray into the NFL. It did not go well. In 1976, the Jets made Holtz their head coach over guys like Johnny Majors (who would win the collegiate national title with Pittsburgh that season) and Marv Levy (who would lead the Bills to four straight Super Bowls). If you think the whole “hokey guy with a lisp in charge of a New York team” thing seemed weird, wait until you hear about the college traditions Holtz tried to bring to the NFL. At one point, Holtz lined up players according to height and — after the Jets’ first win — handed out cards with lyrics on them and tried to get the team to sing a fight song. There wasn’t that much winning, with the Jets going 0-9 against teams with winning records and only beating the 2-12 Bills and 0-14 Buccaneers. Holtz, like a certain someone lower on this list, left New York early with a 3-10 record to take the head coach job at Arkansas. When he left, Holtz said, “
God did not put Lou Holtz on this earth to coach in the pros.”
8. ROD RUST
Rod Rust had a lengthy career that spanned more than 50 years and included head coaching gigs in the CFL and college. He also appeared in Super Bowl XX as the defensive coordinator of the Patriots, getting destroyed by the ’85 Bears. A few years later, Rust would return to New England, this time as head coach. However, while the Patriots still had several key pieces from their run to the Super Bowl, they were all old and past their prime. While New England started 1-1 (that victory by just two points), they ended the season on a 14-game losing streak and with a -265 point differential (the worst of any NFL team in the 1990’s. The season was also marred by a scandal in which several players sexually harassed a female reporter in the locker room (how did I not hear about that before?). Unsurprisingly, Rust was let go less than a week after the season ended. Unlike many of these coaches, Rust only got one season in charge of an NFL team. But given that it was a 1-15 season, I had no choice to put him in the Top 10, like the next coach.
7. CAM CAMERON
Across both college and the NFL, Cam Cameron has helped players achieve their best efforts on offense. However, two things always drag down his legacy. 1: After he was fired as the Ravens’ offensive coordinator in 2012, Baltimore went on to win Super Bowl XLVII. 2: Cameron is by far the Dolphins’ worst coach of all time. That’s even considering Nick Saban, who Cameron replaced in Miami after he bounced for a shot at turning around Alabama’s football program (I wonder how that went). As for Miami, the 2007 season did not go well. An offseason that saw several players arrested, Joey Porter get into a fight with a Bengals player in Las Vegas, and the failed trade/waive of Dan Wilkinson. Then the games began and the losses piled up, including a historic loss to the Giants in the first NFL regular season game played outside of North America. It took an OT win over the Ravens in Week 15 to avoid the first 0-16 season in NFL history. However, 1-15 wasn’t a whole lot better, with the Dolphins firing Cameron quickly after Week 17.
6. ROD MARINELLI
The second current Raiders assistant coach to appear on this list, Rod Marinelli may be the best defensive line coach in NFL history. However, history will remember him for what he did with the Lions. Marinelli’s first season in 2006 ended with a terrible 3-13 record. However, Detroit bounced back in 2007 with a 7-9 record, which was still disappointing given the team had started 6-2. Now while a 7-9 record might take most head coaches off this list, Marinelli earns this spot for what happened in 2008. After going unbeaten in the preseason, the Lions proceeded to do the exact opposite during the regular season, becoming the first NFL team to finish 0-16. I don’t give a shit about any previous success — you go winless, you get on this list (John McKay gets a pass because the 1976 Buccaneers were an expansion team and Tampa won a playoff game a few years later). Now, while he was certainly awful and went winless during his final year in charge of the team, you can make the argument that Marinelli isn’t the worst coach in Lions history.
5. MARTY MORNHINWEG
Among the awful head coaches in Lions history, there’s a special chapter dedicated to Marty Mornhinweg. Only Dan Campbell has a lower winning percentage in charge of Detroit in the Super Bowl era than Mornhinweg, with the margin between the two being just .002%. Yes, even Rod Marinelli, tanking his record with a winless season, has a higher winning percentage than Mornhinweg. In his first year in 2001, Detroit began the season 0-12 and finished just 2-14. The following year saw the slimmest improvement to 3-13, with the Lions ending on an eight-game losing streak. One of those losses came in Week 12 to the Bears, a game that went to OT. Despite winning the coin toss, Marinelli declined to receive the ball, deciding instead to choose the side of the field with the favorable wind conditions instead. Chicago proceeded to march down the field and kick the game-winning FG. Shockingly, Mornhinweg was fired after the season, compiling a measly 5-27 record and reaching a new level of pathetic with the Lions.
4. HUE JACKSON
Of all the coaches on this list, Hue Jackson is the only one to achieve a .500 record or better in a single season. However, that accomplishment in Oakland is marred by the fact that — in the wake of Al Davis’ death (and Jason Campbell’s injury) — Jackson orchestrated a disastrous trade for Carson Palmer that not only fucked the Raiders over for years to come, but didn’t even result in winning the most wide open AFC West race of all time. Then we get to Jackson’s time in Cleveland. Oh boy… Jackson took over in 2016 and lost his first 14 games, with a late win over the Chargers preventing the Browns from finishing winless. Jackson then said he’s jump in Lake Erie if the Browns finished 0-16 in 2017. Guess what happened — Jackson did indeed wade into the frigid waters after Cleveland put up just the third winless full season in NFL history. Somehow, Jackson stayed on to start 2018 before being fired with a 2-5-1 record. That “improved” Jackson’s overall record with the Browns to 3-36-1 — a .088 winning percentage.
3. BILL PETERSON
By the time he took the Oilers’ head coaching job in 1972, Bill Peterson was already a football icon. Peterson is credited with bringing the pro passing game to college football, achieving a lot of success in 11 seasons at Florida State. He also mentored several future coaching legends, including Bobby Bowden, Joe Gibbs, and Bill Parcells. His impact on the English language, with sayings like “”pair off in groups of threes, then line up in a circle,” echoed that of Yogi Berra. After a year with Rice, Peterson moved on to coach Houston’s pro football team. Results were as bad as Peterson’s locker room speeches — highlights include a 34-0 loss to the Raiders in which the Oilers totaled -1 passing yards and a 61-17 home loss to the Bengals. The Oilers’ victory in Week 3 of the 1972 season would be the only one of Peterson’s tenure in Houston. Peterson was fired after a 0-5 start to the 1973 season. Peterson’s 1-18 overall record translates to a .053 winning percentage — the worst of any coach who lasted a full season since the NFL/AFL merger.
2. BOBBY PETRINO
Sometimes, it isn’t just about the bad performance on the field — it’s about how you act as a head coach. Such is the case with Bobby Petrino, who left Louisville in 2007 (less than six months after signing a ten-year contract) to coach the Falcons and superstar QB Michael Vick. To be fair to Petrino, Vick would be arrested on federal dogfighting charges before the season began and Joey Harrington, Byron Leftwich, and Chris Redman aren’t exactly adequate replacements. But that still doesn’t justify shaking Falcons owner Arthur Blank’s hand and telling him “you have a head coach,” then leaving Atlanta for the Arkansas coaching job less than 24 hours later (before the season ended and with a 3-10 record) while not speaking with his assistants and simply leaving a four-sentence laminated note in each of his players’ lockers. To say this was a piece of shit move would be an epic understatement, which makes what happened to him at Arkansas cathartic justice and the fact that he still gets employment opportunities all the more disgraceful.
1. URBAN MEYER
So how do you out-piece-of-shit Bobby Petrino? Have one of your first assistant hires be fired for racism and bullying allegations, be fined $100K for violating offseason practice rules, bring in one of the biggest media circuses of all time to try out at TE (and fail spectacularly), openly admit you factored vaccination status into roster decisions, confess to opposing coaches that you underestimated the difficulty of the NFL, fly back home without your team while getting caught on video groping a young woman who’s for sure not your wife, constantly belittle your assistants to the point where they actually have to defend their resumes, and finally verbally and physically assault your special teams players. Throw all of that in with causing general chaos in the locker room of the worst team in the league (a 2-11 record), with players openly questioning your decisions, and you get Urban Meyer’s tenure in Jacksonville. Who could’ve predicted this being a dumpster fire? Oh right, literally everyone after the Jaguars fired Meyer.
SEMI-FINAL PREVIEW
1. 49ERS VS. 5. THIS W’S FOR GODWIN
Guys, you’ll never guess what happened? Kyle changed his name (explanation here). Totally shocking, I know! This latest incarnation — This W’s for Godwin — is meant to inspire and give the lineup a late motivation, a final push to the title. But can that be enough to overcome the firepower 49ers have to offer, especially without some key players. As reflected by the name change, Kyle will be without Chris Godwin due to injury and possibly Travis Kelce due to COVID-19 (we’re also still waiting for Tyler Lockett’s updated status). Kyle may also be taking advantage of another injury in Leonard Fournette by putting Ronald Jones in. Regardless, Josh Allen, Davante Adams, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire will likely need to come up big. Meanwhile, fresh off his brush with death in the quarter-finals, Gee also has his eyes on Kyle’s lineup. Adams could take away some impact of Aaron Rodgers, while Najee Harris will face those same infected Chiefs. Pay attention to the two J’s — Jonathan Taylor and Justin Jefferson.
2. DIXIE NORMOUS VS. 6. SLEEPING GIANTS
Despite the names I mentioned above, Dixie Normous might be the most impacted by player health going into the semi-finals. Tyreek Hill is also on the COVID-19 list, as is Austin Ekeler, potentially robbing Nick of two key reasons why he beat me in the quarter-finals. Throw in Mike Evans being injured, because why not? One of the other reasons for Nick’s success — Cooper Kupp — may need to pick up the slack. However, Nick may also see some improvements in play, with the biggest “what if?” being Dak Prescott and the disappearing Cowboys offense. Prescott could also be key for Sleeping Giants’ potential success, with CeeDee Lamb being one of his top targets (not to mention Tony Pollard’s potential). While Hill is also one of Pat Mahomes’ top targets, Dad’s QB has other ways to score. Adam Thielen should make a return to the lineup, while Aaron Jones and the Dolphins defense will need to be productive. Of course, Dad has the ultimate motivation here — avenging his son, who was stabbed in the back by Tom Brady.
ONE LAST THING
In 1985, the Kings arrived from Kansas City and began 36 years of giving Sacramento basketball fans depression. One year before that, a man arrived from Wisconsin and began a 37-year reign as the GOAT of the Sacramento sports media world.
I’m talking of course about Jim Crandell, the longtime Sports Director at FOX40. Jim has served a number of roles at the station over the past several decades, from sports reporter to even regular news anchor to his most prominent role as the head of FOX40’s Sports Department. As I mentioned, Jim’s arrival predated that of the Kings, so pretty much every major sports moment in our city’s history has been covered by him. Jim has reported from several Super Bowls and World Series (including the game where Kirk Gibson walked off the Oakland A’s), traveled to Seattle during the Emerald City’s failed effort to steal the Kings, been everywhere from training camp to spring training, covered the grand opening of both Arco Arena and the Golden 1 Center, and all of the drama surrounding Republic FC. He also became a mainstay of high school football coverage, starting up Final Quarter and eventually bringing in one young punk to help him produce the show (I’m not sure he was expecting that when he played a big role in me landing my internship with FOX40 back in 2013).
When he’s not bringing us the latest and greatest in the sports world, Jim is always looking out for his fellow FOX40 employees. From the other anchors and reporters to us plebs behind the camera, Jim has treated everyone the same — with absolute kindness and grace. At least once a week, we have been able to enjoy some form of sweets Jim brings into the newsroom. He’s also someone anyone can go to for advice, whether it be for a story or shot to how copy should be worded to larger situations with their lives or careers. Jim has mentored countless people during his years in Sacramento, myself definitely included. Over time, simply seeing Jim in the newsroom became a source of calmness and joy. He and Lonnie Wong — a reporter with a legendary personality (and Halloween costume ideas) who was one of the few who could rival Jim in kindness — were the pillars of FOX40. A few months ago, after a tenure in Sacramento that lasted even longer than Jim’s, Lonnie retired from news. Now, Jim has joined him.
Yesterday was Jim’s last show, as he enters a well-deserved retirement. I knew this for a while, even before he made the official announcement to the newsroom while I was in Italy (I literally woke up to like a dozen texts from people freaking out). But he wanted to keep everything under wraps until he was ready to make the announcement, which turns out was yesterday. Holy shit, the amount of people who responded to wish Jim well — Gary Gerould, Grant Napear, Kayte Christensen, Carmichael Dave, Sam Amick, David Lloyd, Scott Moak, Deuce Mason, and even Sac State — was incredible. Yesterday was one of the most emotional days I’ve ever had at work. The last pre-show meeting with Jim, ordering Jim’s favorite pizza (Roma’s) and dessert (cupcakes) for a newsroom meal, getting the graphics and video set up for Jim’s goodbye, and finally watching Jim say farewell from the booth — all of it caused the waterworks to flow. I don’t know how I’m going to react to seeing the empty sports office when I get to work today. This shit sucks. It’s understandable and I’m happy for Jim, but I miss him already.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
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