It was already a shitty Tuesday. Two days earlier, I started coughing and sneezing and expelling enough mucus to fill a small pool. I tried to tough it out at work on Monday but I knew I had to call out on Tuesday. I also knew I likely didn’t have COVID-19, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t infect my coworkers and decided to get tested. I picked the Cal Expo drive-thru site because I had been there multiple times and had gotten in and out without any hassle. Such was not the case on Tuesday. I don’t know if it was because of travel, Omicron, or both, but the parking lot was fucking packed. There were at least 200 cars in front of me, snaking their way up and down the lot. The line was so long and slow, passengers in some cars got out and walked their dogs or walked to Arden Fair Mall and back, returning with Starbucks drinks. From the time I pulled into the lot to the time I finally got tested, 3 hours and 5 minutes had passed (Kyle, who believe it or not was in that line as well, waited 3 hours and 15 minutes). Not only did I have to wait in my car for three hours while sick, but I didn’t have anything to eat before so I was famished.
It was about two hours into my sick, hungry, frustrating wait that I learned John Madden died.
To call Madden’s loss devastating and gigantic is an incredible understatement. The impact Madden left on the game of football — from on-field history to broadcasting the game to millions to getting future generations interested in football — cannot be overstated. You can make the argument that few — if any — were more important to the history of the NFL than Madden. While that may be some of my Raiders fan bias showing, many — including Al Michaels — have said something similar about Madden in the past. One thing is for certain: Madden loved football more than most people have loved anything. That was apparent across his lengthy, incredible life spent in many roles across the sport.
Madden was born in Minnesota but quickly moved to Daly City with his family early in his life. A big guy and star OT, Madden earned a scholarship to the University of Oregon, but left after a knee injury resulted in surgery. Madden bounced around before landing at Cal Poly, where he revived his career by winning all-conference honors and being drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1958. However, Madden’s pro career would be over before it began, as another knee injury (to his other knee) forced him to retire. At just 22 years old, Madden found himself in unknown territory, unable to play the game he loved. But it was during his rehab that he found another calling. Norm van Brocklin would watch highlights and explain what was happening to Madden, who enjoyed the lessons. That, combined with a love for teaching (he earned a degree in education while at Cal Poly), merged into a desire to be a coach.
That coaching career began as an assistant with Allan Hancock College in 1960. Madden would soon move up to head coach before becoming defensive coordinator under Don Coryell at San Diego State. In 1967, Al Davis made Madden the LB coach of the Oakland Raiders, who made it to Super Bowl II that season. In 1969, head coach John Rauch left to take the same position with the Buffalo Bills. Davis’ choice of replacement was Madden, who at age 32 and less than a decade into his coaching career, found himself in charge of the Silver and Black. Madden would remain the Raiders’ head coach for the next ten seasons, during which time Oakland was one of the best teams in football, with a record of 112-39-7. Madden’s .759 winning percentage is the highest in NFL history for coaches who have been in charge for at least 100 games. He also holds a winning record against teams coached by Don Shula, Chuck Noll, Tom Landry, and Bud Grant. The Raiders had a winning record in every season under Madden, winning the division seven times and the AFC/AFL title game eight times. A major factor in Madden’s coaching success was his laid back style, letting the players — some of the most… “interesting” in NFL history — be themselves and gel as a unit. Incredibly, even though the Raiders were one of the most disliked teams in the history of football, Madden (who made no effort to appear polite and nice himself) was universally beloved. That’s why the image of Madden smiling atop his players’ shoulders — after achieving his ultimate victory in Super Bowl XI, the Raiders’ first ever championship — is one of the most iconic images in league history.
However, less than two years after winning the Lombardi Trophy, Madden concluded his coaching career. Complaining of a deteriorating ulcer condition and burnout, Madden resigned as Raiders head coach, stating that not only didn’t he feel like coaching, but he would coach for no other team but Oakland. Unsure of what to do, Madden was convinced by his agent to give TV broadcasting a shot. It turned out to be a wise decision. Madden joined CBS in 1979, being elevated to the main commentary team with Pat Summerall two years later. Together, Madden and Summerall became arguably the most iconic broadcasting duo in sports history, with Madden’s glowing enthusiasm for whatever was happening on the field (and just in general) being a highlight of each game. Madden’s goofy personality and great sense of humor — particularly when using the telestrator — created many memorable on-air moments during his decades on TV (a particular favorite of mine is him literally giggling at how badly Larry Allen was dominating the Indianapolis Colts’ defensive line). Madden also gets credit for bringing the turducken into popular culture. Madden even turned one of his weaknesses — a fear flying so great it resulted in panic attacks — into a part of the broadcast. He had a custom-made RV (dubbed the “Madden Cruiser”) that he used to travel to each game. Madden also holds a unique distinction — he is the only broadcaster to call NFL games for all four major networks (NBC, FOX, ABC, CBS). That also included at least one Super Bowl per network, with the last game of his broadcasting career being Super Bowl XLII in 2009.
Of course, many people outside of football know Madden for one particular venture. In the mid-1980’s, Madden began talks with EA to create a football video game. While there had been several such games in the past (including the popular Tecmo Bowl), Madden wanted to create something different, a tool to teach football to a wider audience by drawing up a vast amount of plays. Only once this agreement had been made did Madden agree to lend his name, image, and personality to the game. The first game of the series — John Madden Football — debuted in 1988, eventually coming to be just known as “Madden.” While the quality of modern Madden games has objectively decreased in recent years, the core aspects Madden desired — a vast selection of plays and a way for non-football fans to get into the sport — remain, with the Madden franchise being among the most popular in all of video games. Of course, video games were far from the only business venture Madden entered. Madden was the pitch man for various products (“BOOM — tough actin’ Tinactin“), appeared as himself in The Simpsons, Little Giants, and The Replacements, and even hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live.
Three different, diverse careers — HOF coach, legendary broadcaster, video game icon. Three different generations and groups of fans that came to love John Madden. Madden was a free spirit who simply stopped doing things when they stopped being fun. He retired from coaching just two years after winning the Super Bowl. He retired from broadcasting after almost exactly 30 years in TV. Just a few days after a lovely documentary, All Madden, debuted on FOX this Christmas, Madden is gone. But he will never be forgotten, as will his love for life and the game.
“If you think about it, I’ve never held a job in my life. I went from being an NFL player to a coach to a broadcaster. I haven’t worked a day in my life.” — John Madden
RIP, Coach. Thank you for all you’ve done for the game. Football is better because of you.
SEMI-FINALS RECAP
1. 49ERS DEF. 5. THIS W’S FOR GODWIN
140.48 – 118.96
Even with the bad luck, even with both Travis Kelce and Kareem Hunt on the sidelines, This W’s for Godwin had the opportunity to take 49ers down. But unfortunately for Kyle, those chances were also on the sidelines. Amazing days from Joe Burrow (38 points), Damien Harris (28 points), and A.J. Brown (20 points) were wasted on Kyle’s bench in what may be the worst collective lineup decision in the history of fantasy football. Kyle makes those changes and he, not Gee, is in the Epic Bowl. As a result, incredible days from Josh Allen (30 points), Davante Adams (23 points), and Rashad Penny (19 points) also went to waste. But this entire matchup might’ve been different had it not been for Gee’s latest random source of power — Tee Higgins (31 points). That spearheaded an overall amazing effort that not only had no lineup spot finish below eight points, but only two finish under double-digits. When you come at the king, you best not miss. That’s two swings and misses in a row — one more and Gee will strike out the league.
6. SLEEPING GIANTS DEF. 2. DIXIE NORMOUS
117.72 – 78.10
Really, Nick? One week after putting up 115 points to defeat me, you go ahead and pull this shit? The second-highest scoring offense in the whole league picks the worst time to fail to even crack the 80-point margin. Dak Prescott (31 points) finally showed up and the Packers defense (13 points) kept their roll going, but Melvin Gordon, Darrell Henderson (due to injury), Tyreek Hill, and Van Jefferson all completely shat the bed for Dixie Normous. Now, Nick could’ve won the matchup — or at the very least made this respectable — had he not left Rex Burkhead (26 points) on the bench. All the more to benefit Sleeping Giants, whose lineup as a whole wasn’t too much better. CeeDee LAmb, Adam Thielen (injury), and Tony Pollard were all disappointing. However, not only did Dad get a big boost from Pat Mahomes (22 points), but also from defense — the Dolphins defense (25 points) and Foye Oluokun (17 points) did work for Dad. For the first time in a while, a low seed has won two playoff games, with defense playing a huge role.
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: Even given the major lineup fuck ups by Kyle, Gee still may have fallen had it not been for an unexpected firestorm. Tee Higgins had the game of his life, catching two TDs and the majority of Joe Burrow’s 525 yards en route to a whopping 31-point performance. Higgins’ amazing effort is just the latest sign that Gee’s title victory is as inevitable as the heat death of the universe.
WORST: Where do you want to begin with Nick’s lineup? One week after conveniently carrying Nick to a win against me, Tyreek Hill and Dallas Goedert did fuck all the next time around. Throw in yet another Darrell Henderson disappointment along with a goose egg from Melvin Gordon and Cooper Kupp not going Super Saiyan and you get a shocking performance from the No. 2 seed.
TRANSACTION
BEST: The extra fucked up part about Nick not starting Rex Burkhead is that he picked him up just a few days earlier. Starting him would’ve been the solution for Nick, but for some reason Burkhead was left on the bench in favor of Darrell Henderson. Then again, Nick had other places to put Burkhead, including the FLEX. I think I’ve discovered the reason Nick made this decision.
WORST: Just before this past weekend’s games were set to begin, Nick spotted Van Jefferson among the available players and decided to pick him up, thinking he would take advantage of the Vikings defense. Instead, Jefferson did nothing in the FLEX, a position where Rex Burkhead could’ve thrived. You can probably figure out where this is all going in the upcoming section.
LINEUP DECISION
WORST: I mean what do you want me to do? If Nick starts Rex Burkhead over Van Jefferson (or Darrell Henderson or Melvin Gordon), he’s inches from the Epic Bowl. I’m beating a dead horse, but this may be the most impactful lineup fuck up this season. But that’s just because this was only one lineup decision. For the bigger fuck up, we have to go even further during this section.
EVEN WORSE: Kyle’s bench included two players out with COVID-19, yet still nearly outscored his starting lineup. First was A.J. Brown’s 20-point performance going unused. Then it was regular starting Damien Harris and his 28-point effort wasted. Finally, Kyle can’t even feel good about Josh Allen’s 30-point game because Joe “Untradable” Burrow put up 38 points as well.
LUCK
BEST: Over the past two years, the guys who’ve beaten Gee in the playoffs got amazing efforts from unexpected sources (Kenyan Drake, Alvin Kamara). This postseason, it’s Gee who seems to be getting these random performances from seemingly any spot in his lineup. When you combine good luck with an already good roster, you have something that may be unstoppable.
WORST: Yeah, Kyle can bitch all he wants about the fact that he scored 118 points yet still got eliminated (while someone who’s done worse these playoffs will fight for the title). Remember 2019, when Arik scored 145 points in the semi-finals yet still lost because Gee dropped 159? He didn’t bitch about it and neither should Kyle. Yes this is shit luck, but it’s also just fantasy football.
IN MEMORIAM
THIS W’S FOR GODWIN (KYLE)
Even though they finished as a semi-finalist (pretty much an average finish at this point), this was an unusual year This W’s for Godwin. First off, there were like five different names before they reached their current moniker. Then there’s the fact that Kyle had way more losses on his record than usual, finishing 7-7 overall. Despite an overall solid lineup featuring the likes of Davante Adams, Travis Kelce, Chris Godwin, Brandon Aiyuk, Damien Williams, Kareem Hunt, and Ryan Tannehill, Kyle could never find true consistency, even though his lineup had the potential to truly wreck shit. Even after trading Tannehill and Cordarrelle Patterson for Josh Allen and Christian McCaffrey (which half worked), Kyle still had issues. But he appeared to get everything in order come playoff time, with his lineup putting up consistent, good point production. Unfortunately for Kyle, he couldn’t figure out the proper lineup order, leaving a whopping 96 points (from just four players) on the bench in the semi-finals. That catastrophe will sadly be this team’s legacy.
DIXIE NORMOUS (NICK)
Dixie Normous made it all the way to the semi-finals — their second-best finish ever and by far their best in recent years. So why does it feel disappointing that Nick didn’t go further? For about 2/3 of the season, Nick had the best team in the league, starting out 9-1 and storming out to the lead in the Race for Marshall behind a strong lineup of Austin Ekeler, Tyreek Hill, Mike Evans, Cooper Kupp, Melvin Gordon, and Dak Prescott. But perhaps that strong start may have doomed Nick, who was content to not make a trade and didn’t really tinker with his lineup. Then again, it would’ve been pretty tough to see Prescott’s inconsistency, Hill’s poor play and battle with COVID-19, or Evans’ injury. Despite losing three of four to finish the season, Nick still managed to win a playoff game (although that was largely due to his opponent getting stabbed in the back by his QB). But in the semi-finals, pretty much everyone but Prescott failed to show up. At least Nick has set up a North London Derby showdown for 3rd place, which is more fitting for both clubs.
STAT OF THE WEEK
Overshadowed by John Madden’s death, ESPN’s Chicago Bears beat reporter, Jeff Dickerson, also passed away on Tuesday due to complications from colon cancer. The 44-year-old leaves behind a son, 11-year-old Parker Dickerson, who also lost his mother to cancer a few years ago. While there’s nothing we can do to erase the pain of losing both parents before becoming a teenager, there is a way we can help Parker out — a GoFundMe page has been established to raise funds for him. Heartwarmingly, the $100,000 goal has been smashed, with funds as of this writing sitting at around $830,000, a testament to Jeff Dickerson’s work and the rare good nature of social media. Let’s pile onto this fund, boys!
WEEKLY RAIDERS RANT
The Raiders literally cannot have a comfortable win, can they? Even though Las Vegas came away with the win, they literally should’ve had double the amount of points they actually put up against Denver. I would’ve bet anything this would’ve been one of “those games” at halftime, after back-to-back turnovers by Josh Jacobs and Derek Carr gave the Broncos the lead and nearly gave me an aneurysm. But then the Raiders did something I never could’ve predicted — they made adjustments, shut out Denver for the whole second half (even making up for another Carr turnover — seriously dude, hold onto the fucking ball), and controlled the rest of the game through power running. Seriously, how long has it been since the Raiders just ran the ball down someone’s throat? That felt good — exactly how the offense operated last year. Let Josh Jacobs do his thing and mix in some nice passes to guys like Hunter Renfrow, who I’m officially dubbing “The Slot Machine.”
Now don’t get any foolish ideas. Yes, this wasn’t just an important win — it was against the Broncos (fuck the Broncos). However, Denver is terrible, so it would’ve been bad if the Raiders hadn’t looked decent against them. Plus, this victory only feeds into the false hope that the Raiders have a shot at the playoffs. In order for that to happen, Las Vegas basically has to win its final two games, which are against the Colts and Chargers. True, Indianapolis will likely be without Carson Wents and Darius Leonard due to their unvaccinated asses having COVID-19 (although maybe not because the NFL doesn’t want the Raiders to have any kind of advantage) and Los Angeles somehow inexplicably lost to the fucking Houston Texans. But you know both of those teams will beat the shit out of the Raiders to end the year. It is the way.
(Side note: the Chiefs were beating the Steelers so badly that the broadcast cut to a “more competitive” game in Raiders-Broncos, only to see Las Vegas take three knees before cutting back to Pittsburgh-Kansas City.)
One quick thing. I know next year’s draft is in Las Vegas and we’ve got the Super Bowl coming up in 2024, but I just remembered that the Pro Bowl is at Allegiant Stadium this year (February 6 to be exact). I know it’s not exactly the most exciting event in the world. But it’s still an All-Star game and there will be at least three Raiders participating. Plus, it’s an excuse to go to Vegas. Can we put together a guys trip in about a month?
THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
Because I am a petty asshole and honestly have no other good NFL history alternative, I’m just going to keep shitting on the Broncos. On December 30, 2008, Denver fired longtime head coach Mike Shanahan. The Raiders in fact were the team that gave Shanahan his first head coaching position in 1988, although petty feuds within the organization and Shanahan being a little bitch led to his dismissal from Los Angeles after just 20 games. But Shanahan got another chance in 1995 in Denver, where John Elway carried him to back-to-back Super Bowl wins. After Elway’s retirement, Shanahan’s Broncos were not bad but never truly competitive again. From 1999-2008, Denver went to the playoffs just four times, winning only one postseason game. Shanahan’s end came after the 2008 season, one that saw the 8-5 Broncos lose their final three games and thus the AFC West title (capped by a humiliating 52-21 defeat to the San Diego Chargers in Week 17). The collapse cost Shanahan his job, although he wouldn’t be out of work for long. After a year out of the league, Shanahan was hired by the Redskins as both head coach and VP of football operations. Washington went 11-21 in Shanahan’s first two seasons, but improved to 10-6 NFC East champs the following season. However, Shanahan was once again carried by a star QB, Robert Griffin III, who Shanahan controversially brought back early from a serious knee injury. Griffin re-aggravated that injury during Washington’s playoff loss to the Seattle Seahawks and his career would never be the same. The Redskins struggled the following season, finishing just 3-13. On December 30, 2013, Washington fired Shanahan, who became one of if not the only head coach in NFL history to be fired twice on the same day (five years apart). In Week 6 of this past season, Shanahan was inducted into the Broncos Ring of Fame during Denver’s first game against the Raiders. Just like this past weekend, the Silver and Black came out on top, spanking the Broncos 34-24.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 SPIDER-MAN FILMS
Alright, it’s been two weeks since Spider-Man: No Way Home hit theaters. I’m going to talk about spoilers. I wanted this Top 10 list to go into the previous newsletter, but I needed to give everyone time to see the movie. If you want to avoid spoilers, just scroll to the next section.
Now I know what you might be thinking — there are only nine Spider-Man movies. Not so fast, my friends…
HONORABLE MENTION: THE AVENGERS MOVIES
While he technically made his debut in Captain America: Civil War, Tom Holland’s Spider-Man has a much more prominent role in Avengers: Infinity War, gaining the Iron Spider suit and contributing to the fight against Thanos on Titan. But as well as the character did in the film(s), we can’t count them because they’re not strictly Spider-Man movies, but rather ensemble films.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE VENOM MOVIES
Venom is arguably the most iconic Spider-Man villain, which explains why he got a solo movie — and a sequel — before the others. Even though Venom and Venom: Let There Be Carnage aren’t the best superhero films ever made, I like how Tom Hardy’s Eddie Brock and the titular parasite are being developed. Still, Spider-Man isn’t the main focus, so the parasite films don’t count.
10. THE 1970’S FILMS
Before the Sony/Marvel takeover of all things Spider-Man in the 2000’s, there was a live action Spider-Man TV show in the 1970’s. The show starred Nicholas Hammond — who I shit you not played Friedrich von Trapp (the oldest male child of the von Trapp family from The Sound of Music) — and also led to three different films, which were basically serial summaries of the show. There was also a Japanese live action Spider-Man film, starring Shinji Todo as Takuya Yamashiro (Japan’s Peter Parker). Apparently Yamashiro will be in the upcoming Across the Spider-Verse.
9. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2
The chemistry between Andrew Garfield’s Spider-man and Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy was brilliant, paying off during the heartbreaking failed rescue at the end of The Amazing Spider-Man 2. However, pretty much everything else about the movie was a swing and a miss. Jamie Foxx’s Electro performed well but looked weird (both before and after the eels), while Dane DeHaan’s Green Goblin was bad on both ends. Perhaps the film’s biggest flaw is trying to do too much, introducing many characters for a greater story, but failing to ultimately get the franchise there.
8. SPIDER-MAN 3
You know the three-headed dragon meme, where two heads are menacing and the other is goofy? That’s Sam Raimi’s trilogy, with Spider-Man 3 being the head on the right. It didn’t have to be that way — Raimi wanted to just have Sandman and Harry Osborn as villains. But executives forced him to include Venom as well (not to mention Gwen Stacy). The beloved villain could’ve been handled much, much better. All of the memes came from what they made Tobey Maguire do while under Venom’s control, from the stupid emo haircut to the awful, embarassing dance.
7. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2
Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man, in my opinion, is the best and most accurate portrayal of Peter Parker out of the three. However, Garfield got hoed by some awful writing, starting with The Amazing Spider-Man. The story kind of bounced around and had some plot lines that some felt were underdeveloped, with the news coming out later that there were several deleted scenes. While the film did have its good points (particularly Parker getting his powers and learning), those scenes had already been done — and done well — in the previous Spider-Man movie series.
6. SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME
Sorry Taylor, I don’t care how good your boy Jake Gyllenhall did as Mysterio. Spider-Man: Far From Home is the lowest-ranked Tom Holland Spider-Man film. It’s not for anything Holland did — his work, especially during scenes with Zendaya (MJ) and Jacob Batalon (Ned). But honestly what makes this film rank below the others is that this felt like less of a Spider-Man movie and more of an epilogue for The Avengers after Endgame. In this sense, connecting Spider-Man to a larger universe didn’t pay dividends. Also, the Happy Hogan-Aunt May romance is weird.
5. SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING
One of the few first-of-its-character films where the titular superhero isn’t making their big screen debut, Spider-Man: Homecoming has less of its immediate successor’s fatal flaw in making it less about Spider-Man and more about the Avengers. Iron Man plays a huge role in the film, although it’s not as great as Nick Fury in the other film. Plus, the fact that the Vulture’s abilities rely on the Chitauri technology helps bridge the gap a bit. Tom Holland does well in his Spider-Man debut, playing the in-over-his-head high schooler well and Michael Keaton is as good as he always is.
4. SPIDER-MAN
Let’s get this out of the way — no one believed Tobey Maguire or Kirsten Dunst or James Franco were high schoolers during Spider-Man. Everyone looks too old for their actual characters. But quite frankly who cares? This film was tremendous. Maguire is excellent as Spider-Man and delivers some impressive lines. The movie is still completely stolen by Williem Dafoe, whose performance as Green Goblin is so iconic it’s never been topped in Marvel history. Then you have J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson, perhaps the most perfect casting in all of cinema.
3. SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME
It’s the film all three Spider-Man franchises have technically been leading up to, and what a payoff! Everyone was on their A game, especially William Dafoe and Alfred Molina. It also has some incredible emotional weight, which shifted the franchise in a different — yet familiar — direction. But easily the best part of Spider-Man: No Way Home was the chemistry between the Spider-Men. Tom Holland truly earns his role, while it was lovely to see Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield put on the mask once again. I also love how they leaned into the memes.
2. SPIDER-MAN 2
Spider-Man 2 has no right to hit as hard as it did. But hit hard it did, rolling out an incredible and captivating story that remains a blueprint for many superhero movies that followed. Alfred Molina somehow follows up William Dafoe’s Green Goblin with an amazing Doctor Octopus. Tobey Maguire is as good as ever, especially during the train scene. But the movie’s strength is its story, weaving a tale of Peter Parker dealing with emotional struggle, quitting as Spider-Man, and finally reclaiming the mask after some conscience clearing. It’s one of the best superhero films.
1. SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE
Unlike these other films, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is not live action. It also focuses on six versions of Spider-Man who have never been featured in mainstream film before. So how the fuck is it top of the class? Because it’s fucking incredible. It’s gorgeous — beautifully animated in a style I’d never seen before but want to see again. The story is well done and has a strong emotional undertone (Spider-Man actually dies!). It’s got a killer soundtrack as well. No Way Home had a fantastic multi-Spider-Men plot — Into the Spider-Verse did it even better.
EPIC BOWL XI PREVIEW
1. 49ERS VS. 6. SLEEPING GIANTS
Redemption is the name of the game, which also goes by Epic Bowl XI. For the third straight year, 49ers are on the precipice of a second league championship. Unfortunately for Gee, that means the last two years have been unsuccessful. But again, Gee regrouped, drafted well, and once again earned the No. 1 seed. But even the guarantee of winning at least $90 for the third year in a row or even the Marshall Faulk mini-helmet isn’t enough to erase the threat of being our league’s 1990’s Buffalo Bills. Only a title win will do that — Gee is once again one win away.
Standing in front of him is the one man who’s managed to do the impossible — lose to Gee in the Epic Bowl. Sleeping Giants were on the receiving end of an ass-whooping in Epic Bowl III. It’s taken eight years for Dad to earn another opportunity to put his name on the trophy, though he won’t be the first Dominguez to do so (sorry not sorry). Eight years ago, Dad claimed he would retire from the league if he managed to win the championship. We’ll cross that bridge if we get there, although actually winning the title will be a hell of a bridge to cross this season.
On paper, Gee should absolutely roll in this game. Just look at his lineup — Aaron Rodgers, Justin Jefferson, Jonathan Taylor, Najee Harris, Javonte Williams, Tee Higgins, Dalton Schultz, and the Buccaneers defense. If even half of those guys have good days, it may be too much to overcome. That being said, Dad does have some pieces that can go toe-to-toe with Gee’s best. Pat Mahomes, Aaron Jones, Eli Mitchell, Antonio Brown, CeeDee Lamb, and the Dolphins defense are all capable of scoring points in bunches. Dad will need all of them to do just that.
Another good word to describe this matchup is “legacy.” Gee is pretty much considered the best player in the league, although he can never really claim that with people winning more titles than him. Once again, Gee can join Brian and Taylor as the only two-time Epic League winners. As for Dad, he’s the only person to play in the league every year and not win the title. With a loss this weekend, he’ll also become the only person to go winless in multiple Epic Bowls. Either Gee or Dad will get to extinguish the stench of failure from their resumes. Who will get it done?
ONE LAST THING
One thing I’ve consistently heard you guys ask for over the past couple seasons is a trophy for the last place team, an award no one would want to win. Given that we were entering our second decade as a league, I figured it would be a good time to finally get it done. I got in touch with a trophy company — the same one that I used to update the engravings on our championship trophy — to create one. By the time this year’s draft rolled around, they had sent over a concept design, which I teased in the draft day newsletter (so you can’t say you didn’t see this coming). However, for some reason the project got delayed, delayed, and delayed some more. I didn’t get an update from the company for months and was getting ready to pull a Karen and ask to speak to their manager. But finally, late last week, I received word that the trophy had finally been completed. I picked it up yesterday and it was everything I could’ve asked for.
Without further ado….
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…BEHOLD!!!
Beautiful, isn’t it?
The first thing you’ll notice is the giant L that takes up just under 2/3 of the entire trophy. That’s because whoever finishes last deserves to hold a massive L. You’ll also notice that instead of a place for the names of each “winner” to be engraved, there’s a caption. That’s because losers don’t deserve to be remembered; only champions get that honor. That’s why the championship trophy will continue to add layers and grow, while this trophy will forever be a curse the “winner” will have to wait at least a year to remove. Also, in case you can’t see it, the caption reads:
“The holder of this massive L is inept in many diverse ways, passionately cheers for Tom Brady, believes Bill O’Brien is a genius and O.J. Simpson did nothing wrong, insists the “Tuck Rule” game and 2002 NBA Western Conference FInals were officiated correctly, argues that Troy Aikman was better than Joe Montana, wants to be one of Philip Rivers’ children, is the world’s biggest supporter of the new york yankees, often favorably compares the 2020 Raiders defense to that of the 1985 Bears, loves the Los Angeles Rams’ bone uniforms, deserves to get stiff-armed by Derrick Henry, admires Cristiano Ronaldo, enjoys the NFL offseason, hates having pineapple on pizza, and most importantly SUCKS AT FANTASY FOOTBALL.”
I had to go diverse in order to make sure everyone in the league got pissed off at least once while reading it.
Now as for who gets to be the first recipient of this trophy, we have to check the standings. While both Jimmy and Taylor finished with a disgraceful 3-11 record, Taylor scored fewer points (the tiebreaker), had the longest overall losing streak (10 games), and lost to Jimmy head-to-head (a 121.76-60.32 defeat in Week 1). One year after celebrating his second championship trophy, Taylor now claims another, less distinguished piece of hardware. Until next year’s last place loser is determined, Taylor must hold this L. While he actually failed to pick up his championship trophy this year (despite multiple invitations from me to do so), I will make sure this gets into your hands. There’s no bitching your way out of this one.
Thinking about it, this is probably the most appropriate use of the word “last” in the “One Last Thing” section of the newsletter. It also comes with just one more to go.
Holy shit, there’s only one more newsletter left.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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