Ruben's Writings

So, that newsletter retirement didn’t last long, did it? Now I know what it feels like to be Tom Brady!

I was truly content to end the newsletter in January. I wasn’t lying when I said it had become a grind and I was looking forward to not thinking about it for once. Then about two weeks after the Super Bowl I suddenly found that I had created two Top 10 lists and put together other segments (including two fictional football tournaments and a roster college) seemingly at random. Call it Stockholm syndrome, call if a problem, call it doing what I love — I couldn’t stop. 

I thought about it for a long time, reflected on the reasons why I had decided to stop the newsletter, and eventually came to a conclusion. Ironically, after pointing out that no one was reading these things anymore and announcing that last year would be the end, the newsletter became more popular than ever. I thought of some of my best ideas, there was great discussion about the newsletters, and most importantly I made y’all laugh and smile. I don’t think, after all of that, I can afford to get rid of the newsletter — at least completely. 

To make it official: the newsletter is coming back, with some conditions.

While I do genuinely enjoy writing these, I can’t get sucked into my free time revolving around them again. Therefore, I’m cutting back the newsletter to a monthly publication. The tentative release schedule for this upcoming season will be Week 1, Week 4/5, Week 9/10, Week 15, and Week 18. I figure this way, I can still scratch the writing itch while making sure things don’t become a constant hassle and ensuring that the newsletter is fresh every time. I’d also like to see that great response and feedback continue and not fade away.

Of course, there are other reasons I’m bringing the newsletter back. I can’t just have the most insane NFL offseason pass by without some kind of reaction, especially when my Raiders made one of the headline moves. There’s also the events happening in our personal lives that need to be discussed. However, there’s also some important league news that I need to share right away, starting with the biggest news of them all: we are currently one member short.

One day shortly after the fantasy season ended and I had texted him about picking up his new last place trophy, Taylor proceeded to get into a lengthy Facebook fight with Dad about football that was so toxic that I literally felt like I was in the famous Community gif upon discovering it. Taylor then proceeded to send me a lengthy response, in which he stated that not only was he not collecting the trophy because he wasn’t made aware about it beforehand (not true) and that he’d been ridiculed all year (true, but he was asking for it and I treat everyone evenly horribly), but he was also quitting the Epic League because he no longer wants to participate in standard leagues anymore. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really fight that hard to retain him and simply wished him well in his endeavors.

So, just to be perfectly clear to everyone: WE HAVE A LAST PLACE TROPHY THAT WILL OFFICIALLY BE AWARDED THIS SEASON, NO EXCUSES. Also, on an unrelated note, that trophy now officially has a name: the Jop. Whoever finishes with the worst record (points scored is the tiebreaker) at the end of Week 14 (the regular season) will claim the magnificent, giant glass L that is the Jop.

However, this of course means that we’re down a member. I’ve been floating around ideas for a potential replacement, including reaching out to Emilio, a former league member who left amicably several years ago. Incredibly, one of the names being considered is none other than Gabby, who suggested the idea herself, if only because she thought the idea of her beating you all in fantasy football hilarious. Unfortunately, she’s going through a lot of personal shit right now and her availability is in doubt. Still, I have no doubt we’ll find a 12th member before Week 1. It’s just a matter of finding the right fit.

Oh yeah and I’m upping the yearly fee to $50 a person, for a total pot of $600. Winner gets $450, second place gets $100, and third gets their money back.

Anyway, there’s plenty more I need to talk about during this newsletter. But today is above all else draft day, so let’s see just how wrong I’m gonna be this year! 

(cue theme music)

MAKING A MOCKERY

This is the most wide open draft I can remember and I didn’t watch a lot of college football this past season. I’m either going to be perfect or 0/32. No in between.  

1. JAGUARS: Travon Walker (DL, Georgia) — While not considered top pick material originally, Walker has surged up draft boards. Sometimes, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. No matter the smoke, the Jaguars will clearly see a potential stud on the defensive line for a decade to come.

2. LIONS: Aidan Hutchinson (DE, Michigan) — A super easy selection for the Lions, who not only get a defensive stalwart with arguably the highest floor of anyone in the draft, but also keep a local collegiate legend in-state. Hutchinson has “future team legend” written all over him.

3. TEXANS: Evan Neal (OT, Alabama) — The Texans need help at pretty much every position, but they also need to give Davis Mills a chance to develop. Adding arguably the best and most flexible OL member available in Neal will go a long way in providing the necessary protection.

4. JETS: Ahmad Gardner (CB, Cincinnati) — With two potential generational talents to pick from, the Jets go with who they hope is a future shutdown CB that could change how they scheme on defense. Gardner had a stupidly successful college career and is primed to thrive in the pros.

5. GIANTS: Kayvon Thibodeaux (DE, Oregon) — The Giants have been lacking a presence at the EDGE position for years, so they can’t ignore a potential great falling in their laps. The talent Thibodeaux has is just too good to miss, even with the other defensive stars in this class.

6. PANTHERS: Kenny Pickett (QB, Pitt) — The Panthers are one of the few teams with a big need at QB and are in prime position to take whoever they want. Pickett should have a long leash and plenty of time to develop, especially if a move for a short-term rental QB is made.

7. GIANTS: Ikem Ekwonu (OT, NC State) — Both in terms of protecting their young QB in a prove it year and getting their superstar RB going again, the Giants need to beef up their line. Ekwonu will go a long way to accomplishing those goals, particularly the latter as a great run blocker.

8. FALCONS: Garrett Wilson (WR, Ohio State) — While they could easily take a QB here, the Falcons have at least a solid option in Marcus Mariota — and plenty of other areas of need on offense. Wilson is arguably the best WR in this class and can fill a Calvin Ridley-sized hole.

9. SEAHAWKS: Malik Willis (QB, Liberty) — Unlike the team above, the Seahawks don’t have a serviceable option to replace the iconic QB they traded away. Fortunately for them, Willis — who some say is the best signal caller in the draft — is still available. They plan for the future here.

10. JETS: Drake London (WR, USC) — The Jets are lacking a true WR 1 and London certainly has the capability to ascend to that role. Plus, adding a shiny new weapon for Zach Wilson, who showed flashes of great ability last season, should positively contribute to his development.

11. COMMANDERS: Kyle Hamilton (SS, Notre Dame) — While Hamilton’s speed has caused some concerns, he can still provide some quality play in the backfield. It’s also fitting that the first pick of the Commanders era has the same last name as a prominent Founding Father.

12. VIKINGS: Derek Stingley Jr. (CB, LSU) — Stingley only played in three games last year, but lit up his Pro Day and has covered guys like Ja’Marr Chase and potential future Vikings teammate Justin Jefferson in practice. He’ll also have a fantastic rookie year mentor in Patrick Peterson.

13. TEXANS: Jermaine Johnson (DE, Florida State) — While the Texans need everything, the defensive line is an especially needy section, with the days of J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney long gone. With Johnson, they can get at least one step closer to their once-dominant state.

14. RAVENS: Jordan Davis (DT, Georgia) — The Ravens are on the clock, so naturally they must fulfil their “enormous fucking monster on defense” quota. Davis has been compared to the likes of Haloti Ngata, which can only make fans excited with the promise of a franchise cornerstone.

15. EAGLES: Jameson Williams (WR, Alabama) — Yes, this would mean the Eagles would use their first pick on a WR for the third year in a row, making Matt Millen jealous. But Williams may have been the first pass catcher taken had he not torn his ACL during the national title game.

16. SAINTS: Charles Cross (OT, Mississippi State) — While it may be smart for the Saints to take a QB for development purposes, the loss of Terron Armstead in free agency leaves a massive hole on the offensive line. Charles Cross has the potential to go early, but could slide to here.

17. CHARGERS: Chris Olave (WR, Ohio State) — I absolutely hate the idea of an explosive WR like Olave being added to an offense with Justin Herbert at QB. But this selection makes way too much sense for the Chargers, who will add more to the Thunderdome that is the AFC West.

18. EAGLES: Trent McDuffie (CB, Washington) — The Eagles have plenty of secondary needs to fill, which is why taking a WR with their first pick would be hilarious. However, they’ll save some of their fans’ sanity by picking for need and taking an instant defensive starter in McDuffie.

19. SAINTS: Treylon Burks (WR, Arkansas) — I went back and forth between Burks and a project QB, but the Saints seem to have already made this a bridge year with Jameis Winston and Andy Dalton. So why not upgrade the weapon room and wait for a better QB option next draft?

20. STEELERS: Desmond Ridder (QB, Cincinnati) — That decision is the Steelers’ gain, as they get to pick the QB with arguably the biggest upside in the draft. Ridder has the big arm and dual threat ability most teams want. He can also hone his skills as a backup for a good team overall.

21. PATRIOTS: Devin Lloyd (LB, Utah) — One of the most athletic, fast, and versatile LBs in the draft, Lloyd is a potentially terrifying weapon in the hands of Bill Belichick. The Patriots’ LB corps needs a good shot in the arm, especially after getting their asses whooped in the playoffs.

22. PACKERS: Jahan Dotson (WR, Penn State) — Given the events that landed the Packers this pick, Aaron Rodgers may literally kill someone if they don’t take a WR here. While the best of the best may already be gone, Dotson is a quality option to still be on the board right now.

23. CARDINALS: George Karlaftis (DE, Purdue) — Speaking of new members of the Raiders, Chandler Jones’ departure has left a big hole on defense for the Cardinals. A high-energy guy like Karlaftis will at the very least help the likes of J.J. Watt wear down opposing offensive lines.

24. COWBOYS: Zion Johnson (OG, Boston College) — The Cowboys have traditionally stocked their offensive lines well. Johnson is a Day 1 starter at OG and can be shifted around to various positions, which may be crucial if they want to revitalize Ezekiel Elliott’s production this season.

25. BILLS: Kaiir Elam (CB, Florida) — While the Bills are pretty solid overall, Tre’Davious White is coming off a torn ACL and Levi Wallace left in free agency. Elam — an excellent cover CB — instantly forms a great partner with White and gives the secondary even more of a boost.

26. TITANS: Kenyon Green (OG, Texas A&M) — Green is arguably the best prospect at offensive line when it comes to run blocking. The Titans employ a RB named Derrick Henry. Filling one of their biggest holes with a guy who will improve their biggest strength is a major win-win.

27. BUCCANEERS: Devonte Wyatt (DT, Georgia) — With the return of Tom Brady, the title window just reopened for the Buccaneers. Adding instant-impact guys like Wyatt — who would beef up a defensive line already touting the likes of Vita Vea — keeps them in the hunt for a championship.

28. PACKERS: Trevor Penning (OT, Northern Illinois) — The Packers have been known to favor offensive linemen early. With Penning — described as “nasty” and a “freak” — somehow still on the board, it’s hard to imagine they don’t just take the best player available at the moment.

29. CHIEFS: Daxton Hill (SS, Michigan) — Part 1 of the Chiefs’ double-dip on defense begins with a potential Tryann Mathieu replacement. Hill will provide a much-needed secondary boost to a team whose defense may be shockingly close to its offense in strength — for better or worse.

30. CHIEFS: Boye Mafe (DE, Minnesota) — With the defensive line now without the likes of Melvin Ingram and Jarran Reed, Chris Jones needs some help. Enter Mafe, an explosive pass rusher who should bring a big boost to the Chiefs defense and make those departures sting a bit less.

31. BENGALS: Tyler Linderbaum (C, Iowa) — The Bengals have done a great job at improving their offensive line so far this offseason. They keep that up by adding Linderbaum — the best C prospect in the draft — and allowing new addition Ted Karras to move to an outside position.

32. LIONS: David Ojabo (LB, Michigan) — Although he tore his achilles during his pro day, Ojabo still has plenty of talen that should translate well to the pros. Plus, the Lions can double-dip on hometown wrecking balls by adding Aidan Hutchinson’s teammate and fellow Michigan man. 

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 CRAZIEST THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED THIS OFFSEASON

Another reason I wanted to bring back the newsletter is the fact that the very NFL offseason following my last newsletter just happened to be the wildest in history. There are at least a few moves that would typically highlight an offseason that many seem to have overlooked. An astounding amount of talent changed teams, with a notable migration (Russell Wilson, Davante Adams, Matt Ryan, Von Miller, Khalil Mack, Amari Cooper, Randy Gregory, Chandler Jones, Robert Woods, La’el Collins, Stephon Gilmore, Raheem Mostert, Ronald Jones) from the NFC to the AFC. At least 3/4 of the AFC could legitimately claim to be playoff contenders, while this upcoming edition of the AFC West might legitimately be the best division in NFL history. 

Incredibly, there are several more major moves to come, especially at QB. Baker Mayfield may be the unhappiest man in Cleveland, so much so that the Browns may have to cut him unless their new QB gets a bad result from one or more of the 22 civil lawsuits filed against him. Jimmy Garoppolo is still a member of the 49ers. Carolina has been a rumored trade destination for both Mayfield and Garoppolo, but the Panthers will likely look to the draft for a future QB regardless. San Francisco meanwhile is now dealing with Deebo Samuel’s trade request, with the New York Jets a betting favorite. Some of these players could change teams tonight, which might invalidate the entire Mock Draft I just did. Hell, Odell Beckham, Jr., Tyrann Mathieu, Jadaveon Clowney, Julio Jones, and Rob Gronkowski are still free agents. While we have our eyes on what could happen next, let’s take a look back at the most batshit crazy things that have already happened in the wildest offseason the NFL has ever seen.

HONORABLE MENTION: BRIAN FLORES SUES THE NFL

Perhaps the biggest testament to the craziness of this offseason can be seen in the fact that a former NFL head coach (and current assistant coach) is suing the league over alleged racial discrimination has become an afterthought. Accusations include everything from ignoring the Rooney Rule to an owner paying $100K per loss to even influencing a potential pursuit of Tom Brady and Sean Payton by the Miami Dolphins, Flores’ former employer. It’s unclear what the verdict will be, but that will sadly likely be the next and last time this lawsuit makes headlines.

HONORABLE MENTION: AARON RODGERS RETURNS TO GREEN BAY

Remember when Aaron Rodgers was going to be the biggest name to change teams and shake up the NFL hierarchy? Such a move was teased for two years — after Rodgers expressed a desire to leave the Packers a year after they drafted Jordan Love in the 1st round. Somehow, all of this hype and anticipation fizzled out when, unlike with the COVID-19 vaccine, Rodgers gave Green Bay another shot and returned to the team. Of course, signing the most expensive per-year contract in the history of North American professional sports might’ve swayed him a bit.

HONORABLE MENTION: BOBBY WAGNER RELEASED

This year saw arguably the greatest player in Seattle Seahawks history leave in an unexpected move that left fans’ hearts shattered. Also, Russell Wilson was traded. While that move (more on that later) may have been expected, no one could have foreseen Seattle releasing Bobby Wagner, who was taken one round ahead of Wilson in 2012 and named to the 2nd-team All-Pro this past season. As Seahawks fans’ died on the inside, Wagner extended the heartbreak by signing a $65M deal with the Los Angeles Rams and guaranteeing another trip to Seattle.

HONORABLE MENTION: CALVIN RIDLEY SUSPENDED

In 2020, Calvin Ridley was one of the most promising young players in the NFL, being named to the second-team All-Pro. Then last year Ridley suddenly stepped away from football altogether for mental health reasons. Little did we know, that would not be the most shocking thing that would keep Ridley off the field. Last month, the NFL suspended Ridley for the whole 2022 season for betting on games, including ones involving Atlanta. Honestly, if Ridley is wagering his hard-earned money that the Falcons will actually win, he should also be sent to a mental ward.

HONORABLE MENTION: A MILE HIGH FIRE

The jokes write themselves. A certain chef cooked too hard. Denver is having a fire sale when it comes to ownership. The Broncos are a dumpster fire. It’s all a result of a massive fire sparked by a welding torch that destroyed several rows of third level seats and fourth level suites at Empower Field at Mile High. While the suites are likely to be repaired in time for the first game of the season (of course they get priority), the seats below may not be, due to the steel risers being damaged by the flames. The fan experience for the first game or two may be interesting.

HONORABLE MENTION: BRUCE ARIANS RETIRES

Everyone thought a major retirement from the Buccaneers was possible. While it did happen (and then, you know, didn’t), no one expected the second major retirement in Tampa Bay. In a move made seemingly out of nowhere, Bruce Arians retired from coaching, moving into a front office role with the Buccaneers instead. On his way out, Arians claimed offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich didn’t get enough credit for the team’s success, which went to himself and Tom Brady. That didn’t exactly quell rumblings of a Arians-Brady feud that led to the former leaving.

10. THE JAGUARS BREAK THE WR MARKET

The Jaguars were the NFL’s biggest circus last season, mostly due to Urban Meyer. But as it turns out, there may be even more clowns in Jacksonville than there were in the stands in the season finale. Somehow Trent Baalke is still employed, but thankfully for the sake of this spot on the list he is. When free agency began, Jacksonville came out swinging with a bold new strategy: throw sacks full of money at everyone available, no matter if they aren’t a top player at their position. That’s how Evan “How the hell did he make the Pro Bowl” Engram got $9M and Zay Jones got $24M despite mediocre-at-best seasons. But the true head scratcher came in the form of the contract handed out to Christian Kirk, who’s never been the top option on a team or had a 1,000-yard season (and whose career high for TDs is just six). Naturally, the Jaguars gave him a four-year, $72M deal. Beyond potentially screwing their own team’s future again, Jacksonville completely broke the WR market, which would lead to multiple later on this list.

9. AMARI COOPER CAST OFF TO CLEVELAND

I think seeing Odell Beckham, Jr. seemingly be proven right in his criticism of Baker Mayfield (and go on to win the Super Bowl with the Los Angeles Rams) might’ve broken the Browns — or maybe it was seeing their rival Ohio team come within a bad penalty call of claiming their first Lombardi Trophy. That’s the only explanation I can see for their big trade. Somehow, this isn’t the big trade I’m talking about, although it is still big. With the departure of Beckham and Jarvis Landry, Cleveland needed a new top WR. So they got a new one in Amari Cooper, sending just a 5th round pick to Dallas while taking on Cooper’s contract. Honestly the real story here is the team that sent Cooper away. The Cowboys have lost significant talent this offseason, including Cooper, La’el Collins, Randy Gregory, and Keanu Neal. Much of this has been blamed on the Cowboys needing to trim wages in order to fulfill Ezekiel Elliott’s enormous contract needs. But then they gave Michael Gallup a five-year, $62.5M deal, so I don’t even know anymore, man.

8. MATTY ICE IN INDIANAPOLIS

If you want football fans to be sad, just name their favorite team’s worst ever moment. For Falcons fans, their team’s worst ever moment is probably the worst among all teams. However, now it may not be what you think. In various comment sections about Atlanta trading Matt Ryan to the Indianapolis Colts, I saw many Falcons fans saying that made them feel worse than 28-3. I didn’t even know that was physically possible. Thinking about it though, it makes sense. Ryan came to Atlanta during the team’s darkest time — one year after the Michael Vick arrest and just months after Bobby Petrino set the bar for Urban Meyer. All he did was put the Falcons on his back, providing by far the winningest and most consistent era in franchise history. The former MVP and should-be Super Bowl champ was seemingly shoved out of the way in Atlanta’s failed pursuit of Deshaun Watson, pissing Ryan off and resulting in his move to Indianapolis. Of course, the Colts only had room at the QB position for Ryan because they got rid of their previous one.

7. MR. WENTZ GOES TO WASHINGTON

Just five years ago, Carson Wentz was getting ready to lead the Philadelphia Eagles to a 14-2 record with an unlikely MVP campaign that was only derailed by an ACL tear. Now, he’s a meme. While not statistically a terrible QB, Wentz has been a part of many uninspired moments on the field and become kind of a locker room cancer. Last year, the Indianapolis Colts hoped he still had some of that 2017 form in him and sent a 1st and a 3rd round pick to the Eagles for him. Wentz only threw only seven INTs to 27 TDs in Indianapolis, but the Colts plunged at the end of the season (losing to the fucking Jacksonville Jaguars in Week 18 to miss the playoffs). Wentz was so greatly disliked in Indianapolis that head coach Frank Reich (Wentz’s former offensive coordinator in Philadelphia) apologized to Jim Irsay for vouching for Wentz. Fortunately for the Colts, the Washington Commanders are fucking idiots, so they were able to get rid of Wentz after just one year. Now we have another reason to laugh at Dan Snyder’s horribly managed franchise.

6. THE OTHER KHALIL MACK TRADE

Now we come to the AFC West portion of the Top 10, which begins with… the Khalil Mack trade? Oh no. Wait a minute, what do you mean there’s ANOTHER Khalil Mack trade? Yeah, my beloved Mack, the defensive stud who should’ve been a Raider for life, is now… a Charger. In a move seemingly out of nowhere that also bumps Los Angeles even higher up my hate meter, the Chargers sent a 2nd and 6th round pick to the Chicago Bears in exchange for Mack’s services. While the Bears are now officially in a new era, with a new GM and head coach trying to rebuild around Justin Fields until it inevitably doesn’t work anymore, Los Angeles addressed its biggest needs on the defensive side of the ball. Mack, along with J.C. Jackson, will make the Chargers much stronger by complementing their already terrifying offense. Hold on — Chicago failed to win a playoff game with Mack and Las Vegas ended up getting Josh Jacobs and Bryan Edwards with the picks they sent to the Bears. Oh my god — the Raiders actually won the Khalil Mack trade!

5. HILL HEADS TO MIAMI

Not satisfied with four straight AFC championship game appearances and seemingly wanting to live in a place filled with snow and racist rednecks, Tyreek Hill was shipped out to Miami, the home of many other rich pieces of shit. Hill certainly qualifies for the first part of that description, with the Dolphins giving him a record four-year, $120M deal with $72.2M guaranteed. In signing that deal, Hill took a big risk by exchanging a future HOFer at QB for an unproven guy already on the trade block. Still, even if this doesn’t work out, Miami can still claim to be happy about this deal because they also cucked the New York Jets (who thought they were going to get Hill) in the process. On the other side of the trade, Kansas City now certainly seems like the only AFC West team to get worse instead of better this offseason. Of course, this is the Chiefs, so they’ll still end up benefiting from some bullshit to win the division. Interestingly, this trade was influenced by two different moves — Pat Mahomes’ mega contract… as well as a deal done by a divisional rival.

4. DAVANTE ADAMS TRADED TO THE RAIDERS

WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS, DAVE ZIEGLER! At first it seemed that despite inking some solid additions and extensions (more on those later), the Raiders were a step behind their AFC West rivals when it came to bolstering the roster. Then, Ziegler launched a goddamn nuke onto the NFL by trading for Davante Adams, then signing him to a five-year, $141.25M deal. When I saw the first report of the deal on Twitter at work, I popped the fuck off and ran around the station. Not only did Las Vegas fill its biggest need at WR, but did so by adding the best WR in football. That player also happens to be besties and college teammates with Derek Carr. As for the Green Bay side of things, the fact that Adams chose the Raiders over the Packers is incredible and also leaves their WR corps thin. Still, Aaron Rodgers will likely pull another MVP season out of his ass en route to yet another playoff loss. This move also officially turned the AFC West into the Thunderdone — who better to come out on top of that than a team from the desert? 

3. DANGER-RUSS IN DENVER

This move was surprising on a number of levels, but not for one reason you might think. QB was obviously the biggest need for the Broncos going into the offseason — they were seemingly a competent signal caller away from being competitive. But the big name linked to Denver was not the one who ended up joining them. It was Aaron Rodgers, with rumors growing even stronger due to the Broncos hiring the Packers’ offensive coordinator, Nathaniel Hackett, as head coach. However, Rodgers resigned with Green Bay and everyone began to laugh at the Broncos. Little did we know that Denver had an ace up their sleeve — a trade that brought Russell Wilson over from Seattle in exchange for a haul of draft picks. While this trade (and releasing Bobby Wagner) marked the end of an era for the Seahawks, it potentially began a new era for the Broncos. That completely depends on whether Wilson can stop that decline he was seemingly on last season. Still, Wilson is certainly at least an upgrade from Drew Lock.

2. THE BROWNS “WIN” THE WATSON SWEEPSTAKES

Oh boy, where do we begin here? After missing all of last season due to disagreements with Texans management and facing 22 lawsuits accusing him of sexual assault, Deshaun Watson was thrust back into the spotlight when a grand jury declined to indict him on criminal charges. Even though Watson is still facing 22 civil suits alleging sexual misconduct and assault, teams seemingly no longer gave a fuck and entered the sweepstakes for this piece of shit. The pursuit of Watson included the Falcons, whose interest ruined their relationship with Matt Ryan to the point where Atlanta had to trade him. Cleveland also pissed off Baker Mayfield, who requested a trade as well. But the Browns “won” the Watson sweepstakes by sending Houston a shit ton of picks, then signing him to a five-year, $230M, fully-guaranteed deal. By making an alleged predator the richest player in NFL history, the Browns also ruined any goodwill they had with their fans. Does Watson make Cleveland a Super Bowl contender? Possibly — but at what cost?

1. RETIREMENT & RETURN

After nearly pulling off 28-3, Part 2: 27-3 in the playoffs, Tom Brady seemingly decided he had finally tortured the NFL enough. After Adam Schefter broke the news of his retirement, Brady at first denied the decision, then finally confirmed it a few days later. Everyone and their mother then paid tribute to Brady, before speculating how the NFL would change now that the GOAT was gone. However, someone must not have driven a stake deep enough in Brady’s heart, used a silver bullet, buried him deep enough below the surface, or performed whatever ritual prevents resurrection. Just 40 days after announcing his retirement, Brady announced that he would instead be returning for his 23rd NFL season. Because the NFL GOAT retiring then un-retiring isn’t crazy enough, since Brady returned his own head coach has retired and rumors have spread that the Miami Dolphins both previously pursued and are currently pursuing a trade for Brady. I’d like to think Brady made this decision to come back just to piss off Schefter. 

STAT OF THE DRAFT

Those eight teams are: the Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns, Denver Broncos, Indianapolis Colts, Las Vegas Raiders, Los Angeles Rams, Miami Dolphins, and San Francisco 49ers. All of those teams have sent those picks away in high profile trades over the past few years, especially this year. It’s a sign that the mindset of GMs is changing, becoming more bold and favoring risk-taking. Just look at the Rams, whose several big moves for high-priced rentals paid off with a Lombardi Trophy. Many of the teams who now have multiple first round picks could begin a deep rebuild with plenty of capital. Others may be in position to make another big move this offseason. If any of these eight teams win a ring or two in the next few years, consider the “making big, bold moves” strategy to be the go-to route for building teams going forward.

Honestly, I’m glad the Raiders are on this list. The Silver and Black have sucked over the past few decades with 1st round picks, finding some of their best talent (like Maxx Crosby, Hunter Renfrow, Bryan Edwards, and Nate Hobbs) in later rounds. While for once I don’t have to worry about which player the Raiders take in the 1st round will inevitably bite them in the ass, I still have a few things to say about my favorite team.

DRAFTLY RAIDERS RANT

To say the last few months have been eventful for the Las Vegas Raiders would be quite an understatement..

First, let’s not forget that the Silver and Black actually made the fucking playoffs for just the second time since 2003 by winning probably the most stressful game I’ve ever watched. The Raiders actually showed up in the postseason too, with a narrow loss to the eventual AFC champs being a noble way to end the season. From there came the big question: what to do at head coach? Rich Bisaccia was certainly not the most tactically sound coach ever and the wins that got the Raiders into the playoffs weren’t exactly impressive. But he actually did the damn thing, accomplishing the incredible feat of reaching the postseason despite going through the most tumultuous year in franchise history. Still, it was understandable when Bisaccia was let go. However, his replacement would come as quite the shock.

I still can’t believe that Josh McDaniels — Josh fucking McDaniels — is the Raiders head coach. The guy who became a whiny laughing stock in Denver and then ghosted Indianapolis is now in charge in Las Vegas. This reeks of the same mindset that brought Jon Gruden out of retirement a few years ago. That being said, there are key differences, namely that Gruden was beyond past his prime (and also a horrible human being) and McDaniels is, at least in theory, young enough to learn from his mistakes and be better, which to his credit McDDaniels exactly acknowledged in his introductory press conference. McDaniels also has the offensive coordinator resume to earn a second chance, with his plans for Derek Carr and the offense being the main reason he was hired. This hiring is a massive fucking risk with a low floor and a high ceiling. Maybe the fact that McDaniels knows this is his last chance at a head coaching gig after royally fucking up and burning bridges with the Broncos and Colts will help out. McDaniels has some work to do so sell me on his worth.

On the other side, I am completely fucking sold on Dave Ziegler, the other half of the coach/front office duo Las Vegas took from the New England Patriots. Needing to address some big needs, Ziegler started off with some solid if not unspectacular moves. Adding Chandler Jones in particular was nice, but if that was the biggest name the Raiders could get it would be disappointing, especially considering the arms race that was brewing in the AFC West. But then Ziegler dropped a fucking atomic bomb onto the NFL by bringing Davante fucking Adams — the best WR in the NFL — and securing his services for the next several years. For once, a Raiders trade left me feeling pumped the fuck up. Even if for whatever reason this trade doesn’t work out, I’m glad Ziegler has the balls to go after something this big and prove that the Raiders are here to compete. Throw in extensions to the likes of Carr and Maxx Crosby (Hunter Renfrow is next in line) and you already have a phenomenal offseason to fall back on even before the draft.

Naturally, the one time I’m excited about a GM making moves is the one time the Raiders don’t have a 1st round pick. Honestly it’s for the best. Given the past 20 years or so of Raiders 1st round picks, it may just be for the best we don’t have one. I’d rather have Adams than the chance to draft a player with the potential to be just as good as Adams. Still, the Raiders do have some shoring up to do for certain position groups. While the Raiders only have five picks overall and won’t draft until the 3rd round, the Silver and Black have been phenomenal at spotting late round talent lately. Maybe it’s all for the best.

Wait a minute, am I actually feeling optimistic about a Raiders season? If I’ve learned anything, it’s to reject all optimism when it comes to the Raiders. I’ll blame McDaniels for it this time. 

Sadly, I can’t end this section without mentioning the passing of a Raiders icon. Daryle Lamonica — two-time AFL MVP, three-time AFL champion, and the first QB to lead the Silver & Black to the Super Bowl — passed away one week ago today at the age of 80. Lamonica perfectly encapsulated the Raiders’ on field attitude during the franchise’s golden age. Nicknamed “The Mad Bomber” due to his love of the deep ball, Lamonica was a true gunslinger who raked up stats, passing titles, and overall success. His career .801 win percentage as a starting QB is only behind Otto Graham as the best in NFL history. The next three best QBs are either in the HOF or are Tom Brady. Some say Lamonica belongs in the “Hall of Very Good,” but I can easily make the argument that he also belongs in the HOF. Unfortunately, Lamonica happens to be a Raiders legend, meaning unless you played in the modern era (AKA after the Raiders won their last Super Bowl) you have to wait until you die to get in. Just ask Ken Stabler or Cliff Branch (who fortunately will finally join the HOF as part of this year’s class). Tom Flores just got in last year at age 84. Dave Casper waited 18 years. Ray Guy waited nearly 30 years, while the late John Madden — whose praises were rightfully sung by everyone during his documentary released just before his death — had to wait 28 years after retirement to be inducted. 

To avoid continuing my usual rant against the NFL and HOF for its anti-Raiders bias, let me just say RIP to the Mad Bomber. Raider Nation will miss you.

Anyway, let’s look back at some previous NFL drafts. There have been four drafts that have begun on April 28 — most recently 2016. There was also 2011, 1987, and…

oh no…

no…..

nonononononononono…….

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:  

On April 28, 2007, the Raiders made quite literally the biggest mistake in franchise history, selecting a player whose name makes me want to throw up, murder someone, and jump off a bridge at the same time. The seeds for this catastrophic fuck up were planted during the 2007 Sugar Bowl, where projected first overall pick Brady Quinn was expected to ball out. Instead, Quinn’s Notre Dame squad was smacked 41-14 by LSU and bowl game MVP JaMarcus Russell. Apart from Russell and Quinn, Oakland had plenty of options with the first overall pick. There was Calvin Johnson, a tremendous WR prospect who new head coach Lane Kiffin was reportedly enamored with, Joe Thomas, a OT prospect hyped up to nearly the level Robert Gallery was a few years earlier, and Adrian Peterson, a RB prospect who could compete with Justin Fargas right away. But given that Andrew Walter was the best QB on the roster, the choice was clear — Al Davis selected Russell, who turned out to be the first draft pick announced by Roger Goodell as NFL Commissioner (that should’ve been the first sign). Russell immediately endeared himself to the Silver and Black by holding out until the second week of the regular season. He didn’t play until Week 13, didn’t start until Week 17, and finished his rookie year with 373 yards, a 54.5% completion rate, two TDs, four INTs, and two lost fumbles.

Things did get better the following season, which began with Russell as the starter. By better, I mean that things weren’t complete shit. Russell could have thrown the ball into the dirt every play. Instead, back-to-back meaningless wins to end the season meant the Raiders finished with a 5-11 record, technically an improvement from 4-12 the year before. While Russell had more TDs (13) than INTs (eight), he failed to throw for even 2,500 yards, saw his completion rate fall to 53.8%, and fumbled the ball 12 times, resulting in seven more turnovers. During this time, Russell’s presence in the locker room did not improve, with major concerns about his ego and weight springing up. At some point, Raiders coaches suspected Russell wasn’t watching game tapes, so they reportedly gave him blank tapes — which he claimed he watched and observed blitz packages. Going into the 2009 season, Russell was reportedly grieving over the loss of two of his beloved uncles, which allegedly impacted his play. Russell was benched a few games into the season and at one point was demoted to third string QB. That season, Russell had the lowest QB rating, completion rate, fewest passing TDs, and fewest passing yards among qualifying QBs in the NFL. Things finally reached a breaking point when Russell showed up to 2010 mini camp weighing 290 pounds, making him bigger than some of his linemen. Oakland would trade for Jason Campbell and, in May, release Russell after just three seasons. Russell drew some interest from other teams, but ultimately never played in the NFL again.

Looking at stats alone — 31 games, a 52.1% completion rate, 4,803 yards, 18 TDs, 23 INTs, one rushing TD, and 25 fumbles (15 of them lost) in just three seasons — Russell is objectively one of the biggest draft busts in NFL history. Throw in his lengthy holdout, terrible attitude, and the fact that he became the first QB to pretty much eat himself out of the NFL (not even Jared “Hefty Lefty” Lorenzen managed that) on top of the fact that he was the first overall pick, and you have a name that makes Raiders fans violent upon hearing it. Granted, a lot of things make Raiders fans violent. But literally all you have to do is say “JaMarcus Russell” and Raiders fans will get triggered faster than San Francisco 49ers fans when someone says “Kyle Williams.” Only Ryan Leaf prevents Russell from being unanimously considered the biggest bust in NFL history. Naturally, you have to look back at what Oakland could’ve done with that pick instead. The team’s biggest issue was QB, but that class was particularly weak. Quinn, the other top prospect, was not good, though he lasted twice as long in the NFL as Russell. Matt Moore, who went undrafted, is by far the most successful QB of the 2007 class. No, what makes the pick even worse is the bevy of non-QB talent available that year. In addition to Johnson (HOFer), Thomas (future HOFer), and Peterson (future HOFer), Patrick Willis, Marshawn Lynch, Darrelle Revis, Joe Staley, Greg Olsen, Eric Weddle and LaMarr Woodley were selected. Hell, even the Raiders did well in non-QB picks, taking Zach Miller with the very next selection after Russell. Still, the ultimate story of the 2007 Draft is the Raiders having a pool of HOF talent to choose from and instead picking the highlight of their abysmal 1st round drafting in the 21st century. I need alcohol now.

To wash the taste of JaWalrus from my mouth, I need to take a look through at least three other drafts. Fortunately for me, there have been three other drafts to begin on April 28. The first of those came in 1987, which if you can’t recognize the guy in the middle was the year that Vinny Testaverde went No. 1 overall to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Whether or not Testaverde is a bust is an interesting debate. While he never reached the highs (both individual and team-based) expected of the top overall pick, he did spend 21 years in the league, being named to two Pro Bowls. Testaverde ended his career in 2007 with the Carolina Panthers, which began play in 1995, Testaverde’s ninth season in the league. Upon his retirement, Testaverde ranked in the Top 10 in career passing yardage, TDs, and completions in NFL history. But his 123 losses are the most for a starting QB ever. Beyond Testaverde, the headliners of the 1987 class include HOFers Rod Woodson (10th overall) and Cris Carter (supplemental 4th round pick). Cornelius Bennett, Jerome Brown, Jim Harbaugh, Bruce Armstrong, Christian Okoye, Rich Gannon, and Jessie Tuggle (who went undrafted) are among the standouts of that year’s prospects. Don “the guy Brett Favre replaced” Majkowski was also drafted, along with John Bosa, father of both Joey and Nick Bosa. But perhaps the most interesting story of the 1987 draft is that of 3rd round pick Stephen Baker. How (and by which team) he ended up selected is both hilarious and fascinating, especially considering three teams were involved. Click here to learn more.

While the 2007 draft was great at pretty much every position other than QB, the 2011 NFL Draft class might end up being the most talented ever when all is said and done. Unlike the Raiders four years earlier, the Carolina Panthers didn’t fuck up with the first overall pick, correctly making the “toughest call in football” by drafting future MVP Cam Newton over the likes of Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker. The latter are the only two players taken in the Top 11 not to make a Pro Bowl during their careers. The next pick after Newton would end up being his tormentor in Super Bowl 50, but the Broncos’ selection of Von Miller was mildly panned at the time. Unfortunately, Miller would prove Denver right with their selection. Julio Jones will end up as the top WR of that class, but he was the second taken off the board. Still, you can’t blame the Cincinnati Bengals for taking A.J. Green. Patrick Peterson, Marcel Darius, and Aldon Smith also make up the Top 10, though arguably the top defensive player in the draft (even including Miller) was taken at 11. J.J. Watt falling outside the Top 10 seems laughable now, but some criticized the Houston Texans for this pick (seriously). While the majority of the big misses in this draft came at QB (Gabbert, Locker, Christian Ponder), Detroit’s selection of Nick Fairley at 13 is notable for who was left on the board. The Lions ended up passing on Robert Quinn, Ryan Kerrigan, Cameron Jordan, Muhammad Wilkerson, and Cameron Heyward. The next round saw Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick selected back-to-back, with other big names like Richard Sherman, Kyle Rudolph, Randall Cobb, Justin Houston, and Jason Kelce going in the later rounds. Even though the Raiders didn’t have a 1st round pick (they used it in the Richard Seymour trade), Oakland still managed to fuck up by using a supplemental 3rd round pick on Terrelle Pryor.

QBs were once again the focus five years later, but the signal callers taken in the 2016 NFL Draft have a complicated legacy. Going into draft day, the two biggest QB prospects were Jared Goff and Carson Wentz. However, the two teams at the top of the draft order didn’t “need” a QB. The Titans had just taken Marcus Mariota the year before, while the Browns signed Robert Griffin III a few weeks earlier. So in an incredibly rare instance, both top selections were dealt. Tennessee sent the first overall pick to the Rams, who — looking for a new face of the team for their return to Los Angeles — selected Goff. Cleveland meanwhile sent the second pick to the Eagles, who drafted Wentz. Philadelphia’s decision would pay off just a year later, when Wentz’s near-MVP level season (only stopped by injury) played a key role in the Eagles winning Super Bowl LII. The following season, Goff and the Rams would reach Super Bowl LIII, only to fall short. However, both QBs’ promising starts soon fell off a cliff. Goff seemed to regress every year until he was traded for Matt Stafford (who would go on to win the Rams the Lombardi Trophy Goff never could), while Wentz has been traded for the second year in a row. Meanwhile, the guy who will likely end up as the best QB of the 2016 class wasn’t selected until the 4th round, after names like Paxton Lynch, Christian Hackenberg, Connor Cook, Jacoby Brissett, and Cody Kessler were taken. It was the Cowboys who likely won the draft by taking Dak Prescott so late, three rounds after taking Ezekiel Elliott 4th overall (if only Dallas had told Prescott to slide earlier). Joey Bosa, Jalen Ramsey, DeForest Buckner, Xavien Howard, Kenny Clark, Derrick Henry, Michael Thomas, Yannick Ngakoue, and Tyreek Hill were also selected in that year. However, we can’t ignore the highlight of the draft — highly-rated OT Laremy Tunsil sliding to pick 13 because of a photo of him wearing a gas mask bong that was posted to Twitter.

LOVE & ALCOHOL

This newsletter serves as a bit of a time capsule. The next time I write to you all — at the start of Week 1 of the upcoming NFL season — one of us will be a married man. That man, of course, is Ewing.

As mentioned during the greatest newsletter I ever wrote, Ewing became engaged last winter (and then nearly crashed the playoff party before choking at the last minute). He’s now officially set to tie the knot in less than a month’s time. While not all of us will attend the wedding, I can give a pretty good summary of what will happen after Ewing says “I do” — alcohol consumption, and plenty of it. How do I know? Well, apart from basic context clues and the fact that Ewing’s involved, it’s because I — along with Jimmy — were lucky enough to attend Ewing’s bachelor party two weeks ago. While I won’t go over everything that happened in San Diego that weekend (some things must remain a mystery), I’ll take you through one particular day (Saturday) and the various shenanigans y’all missed. Also, the day before that can best be summed up as follows: a delayed flight, no fewer than 200 bicycles, and an overall mediocre comedy show with the exception of one memorable Red Sox joke.

Quick context: Ewing’s bachelor party took place in San Diego from April 15-17. There were nine of us — Ewing, myself, Jimmy, Patrick (Ewing’s fiancee’s brother), and five of Ewing’s Redlands buddies (Peter, Casey, Jamie, Kane, and Cody). Cody is the best man and he and Kane organized everything, including the three-story Airbnb we rented for the weekend along Mission Beach. 

I woke up a few hours after Jimmy capped off a lengthy session of shirtless beer pong/poker by finally going to bed. Putting away the pieces of my CPAP machine that for some reason wasn’t working, I joined the majority of the group in waiting for Casey, who had been tricked into making breakfast consisting of bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. I killed some time by walking to the liquor store nearby and picking up some Smirnoff Ices and chips. Once breakfast was complete, we began the official drinking of the day by reaching into a bag and blindly selecting a BuzzBallz cocktail (all of us except Jamie, who went so hard the night before he was basically Voldemort before he came back to life after the TriWizard Tournament. Now full of booze and food, many of us began shouting from the window to the people below about how Ewing was about to get married. During that time, we somehow managed to convince a produce delivery driver named Augustine to come up and take a shot (which ended up being quite more than a shot) with us. Keep in mind, all of what I just said happened before 10 a.m. The morning session was capped off by me turning into William Shakespeare and dishing out a lengthy poem roasting every member of the bachelor party, going over some of Ewing’s old flames, and icing Ewing at the end. Honestly I don’t even want to provide context for why I wrote a poem for a bachelor party — I think it’s funnier this way.

Anyway, before leaving for the trip, we were told to bring golf attire. Cody and Kane told us to get changed and prepare for golf. Now it’s important to note that Ewing was not told to bring such clothes. However, Cody and Kane thought of “appropriate” attire for Ewing to wear — let’s take a moment to admire their handiwork.

Once we were dressed, the penny dropped. As it turns out, we weren’t actually going golfing (admittedly we were a bit disappointed). Instead, Cody and Kane had marked off nine bars/breweries in San Diego as “holes.” We would all order the same beer at each place, with the number of “strokes” we’d get determined by how many drinks it took for us to finish. The last place finisher would have to do something called “icicles,” which made Ewing audibly gag upon hearing. The winner would also decide the punishments for second- and third-to-last place. So basically in order to avoid some terrible punishment, I would have to place no worse than 6th in a drinking contest among six former college football players/frat boys, Patrick (who proved he could more than hold his own the night before), and Jimmy. I needed to step my game the fuck up.

The first hole went well enough, as I applied my strategy of “just keep fucking drinking” even as beer spilled down my shirt. I shot an even Par 2 and the bartender was a Red Sox fan, who told us the place next door was cool. So on the fly we decided to make that Hole 2. Upon arriving, one random patron named Hugh took one look at Ewing’s outfit and decided to buy everyone shots. Therefore, we ended up all taking a +1 for the hole and forsaking the beer we’d planned to drink. Unfortunately, I ran into a major roadblock at Hole 3. The beer of choice was a stout, by far my least favorite kind of beer and one I knew I would struggle with. After one sip I knew there wasn’t any chance I could get this down in fewer than ten drinks. So I came up with the ultimate game plan: forfeit the hole. While I took a +5 for the hole, I didn’t have to force that beer down my throat and I would be one beer emptier than the rest of my competition. I could then rally and make up the deficit at the later holes. That’s exactly what I did, taking only two drinks to finish each of the next three holes to get back under par and in contention for not last. 

However, things were getting complicated. Turns out, a side effect of drinking a lot of beer in a short amount of time makes you really fucking drunk. Therefore, unforseen roadblocks started to pile up. It began to take an eternity to leave each hole because Jimmy needed to spend 15 minutes in the bathroom at each place. Guys began to get rowdier, particularly Ewing, who at one point straight up whizzed in some random house’s bushes. Frustrations grew between Cody and Kane, with a lengthy argument leading to the rest of us being sent to the next bar ahead of them. In their absence, Ewing befriended a random old rich guy who gave us hats and golf balls and tried to join the group. After successfully and peacefully telling him to go his separate ways (and Cody/Kane reuniting with the group), we then decided to skip the new Hole 7 (we didn’t like the vibe) and reverted to the original Hole 7 location. After getting the beer (a red ale) and finishing about a third of it in the first drink, I began to mentally prepare myself to finish the rest in one take. That’s when I saw everyone else besides Jimmy (who had ordered a burger and fries) leave and order an Uber. Turns out, a few of the guys spilled their beers and acted too shitfaced while asking for a refill, so the staff told them they were too drunk to serve and kicked them out. Thus, we went back to the Airbnb and the golf match was called off early, with the scores anticlimactically not mattering in the end.

We decided to rest for a couple of hours, during which time I was woken up twice from a nap only to be iced and Patrick, while getting pizza, got invited to take shots with the employees behind the counter. We then suited up and went for a fabulous steak dinner, during which I made the mistake of ordering another beer. Imagine how much beer I needed to drink in order to be sick of beer. Anyway, at one point Jimmy took such a long bathroom break that Peter, who had woken up from his own nap as we were leaving, managed to finally arrive at the restaurant before Jimmy returned. After the meal, Ewing demanded that we meet up with the bachelorette party (who were also in San Diego), even though he had just seen his fiancee yesterday and the two face-timed so much that Ewing’s phone privileges were taken away (naturally his phone ended up legitimately going missing). One lengthy argument later, we went to a nearby cigar bar and I officially became a man by enjoying my first cigar. Somehow, by pure random luck and happenstance, the bachelorette party crashed the cigar bar and Ewing got his reunion. By the way, I thought we were bad — the girls came in like a fucking hurricane and left devastation in their wake. After they took off, Ewing then wanted to go to a strip club (the first time he’d mentioned it all trip). Given that it was 1 a.m., we managed to convince him to go home. So we did… well half of us anyway. Apparently the Uber Ewing went in made a pit stop at a strip club after all. In the end, everyone made it home safe and Ewing’s phone was found in the grill.

Another reason I wanted to list all of that was to provide context for what Jimmy endured before going on a plane to Las Vegas a few days later and joining some of the other league members in a massive 30th birthday celebration. While this section was meant to end by simply asking how the fuck Jimmy is still alive, something happened in Vegas that cannot go undiscussed.

Nick, apparently seeing the fantasy boost Ewing got after he got engaged, decided to pop the question himself. All jokes aside, major fucking congratulations to Nick and Danelle on their engagement! I knew there was a good reason to rank you No. 3 on my “Epic League Members Most Likely to Get Married” Top 10 list! If only I had bumped you up one spot! Anyway, whoever has to play Nick in the first month of the season should just mark it down as a loss now — Nick’s 4-0 start is guaranteed (let’s see if he fucks it up this year as well). Of course, the people who should feel more nervous are the guys ranked No. 2 and 4 on my list, who just happened to be two of the people holding up the sign in that picture. Both Kyle and Jimmy — along with their girlfriends — were in Vegas for Nick’s proposal. Who knows how long it’ll take before they succumb to the pressure as well? Either way, no matter who gets engaged and eventually married, my ass is going to forever be stuck at the bottom of that Top 10 list.

ONE LAST THING

Last year, I proposed the league head to Dallas to have our draft at AT&T Stadium, a plan which would’ve been successful had the vast majority of you guys not bitched out. This year, I have another proposal, one that is a bit more realistic and has a much more simple premise.

Let’s be rednecks for a weekend.

Also last year, in one of my most unexpectedly popular sections, I wrote about that year’s Formula 1 World Championship and how overall batshit crazy that season had been (Lewis Hamilton was robbed). After the controversial season finale, I spoke with several of you who expressed interest in going to an F1 race this year. I definitely want to go to an F1 race at some point in my life. The Miami Grand Prix is making its debut next Sunday, while the more traditional U.S. Grand Prix will be held in Austin on Oct. 23. There are some international ones, but if you guys don’t have your passports now you’ll never get them in time for the race. 

However, I don’t want to wait that long to go to a race. So what else is available? There’s IndyCar, with several races still on the calendar, including the season finale at Laguna Seca in Monterrey. But I have a feeling IndyCar is towards the bottom of your “To Do” lists. But if not IndyCar or F1, what am I thinking? Surely not NASCAR, right? Not that hillbilly ass “always turning left” sport, right?

….right?

…. okay so hear me out.

Even before this, I’ve said I wanted to go to a NASCAR race at some point in my life (one road course and one speedway) just for the sheer curiosity and love of overall sports. I also have a Laughing Clown Malt Liquor hat I’ve been dying to wear in public since Talladega Nights came out. Anyway, I’ve recently been doing some research (AKA watching a bunch of YouTube videos by NASCAR fans) and I’ve discovered some interesting aspects about the sport. First off, NASCAR itself has a fucking insane history. The whole origin of stock car racing in the U.S. dates back to bootleggers using fast cars to smuggle moonshine by police during Prohibition. Once Prohibition ended, people needed something to do with their fast cars. So racing began, centered in Daytona Beach, FL, where drivers were going to set world land speed records (this is why the Daytona 500 is such a massive race). While the organization of NASCAR was meant to guarantee things like an actual race schedule, winnings paid out, and legitimate competition, the sport has a checkered (and often celebrated) history of cheaters and people who try to cut corners as much as they can, enabling NASCAR to keep that “rebellious” aspect of the sport (I could devote an entire newsletter to that if I wanted).

NASCAR truly went national after the 1979 Daytona 500, often considered the best and most important race in the history of the sport. It kept that popularity over the next couple of decades due to two factors. One of those was speed — at certain courses like Daytona and Talladega, NASCAR machines could reach speeds rivaling F1 cars, even though they weigh twice as much. The dangers of speed, or more importantly what happens when drivers and cars crash and suddenly stop going fast, led to the introduction of restrictor plates, which limit the amount of horsepower engines can produce are still required at major speedways. That solution inadvertently led to the defining aspect of NASCAR: pack racing. Oval-shaped courses and speed limits lead to a bunch of cars gathered together going super fast. This naturally increases the chance of wrecks, and with those wrecks the second factor of NASCAR’s popularity: risk. It’s an unspoken but understood part of stock car racing that drivers risk death every time they step into a racecar. However, when it comes to NASCAR, the shocking death of arguably the GOAT driver Dale Earnhardt in 2001 led to a dramatic overhaul in safety procedures. No driver has died in NASCAR’s major competitions since then, which sadistically has arguably decreased the popularity of the sport. However, some argue it’s also led to a generation of drivers who don’t fear crashing, which naturally leads to more crashes.

Now there are some greater reasons behind the decline in popularity of NASCAR besides driver safety, reduced speed. Of course, there’s the overall shift in culture from arguably NASCAR’s heyday of the 1990’s (there’s a reason it took until 2020 for the sport to ban Confederate flags from its tracks, and why it took until last year for just the second ever black driver to win a race at the top level). But from a pure sporting standpoint, NASCAR is fucking itself up. You know how no one likes the expanded playoffs for the NFL, MLB, and basically every sport? Imagine that on steroids for NASCAR. Before 2004, the driver with the most points at the end of the race schedule won the championship. But that year the “Chase for the Cup” was introduced, resetting the points while only allowing the Top 12 drivers to compete for the title. They’ve kept tweaking it ever since to the point where now they have a playoff system, which about 1% of all NASCAR fans actually like. Then there’s the whole changing of the race point format, which honestly is too complicated for me to even understand. When it comes to determining a champion, shit is overly complicated.

But here’s the thing — when it comes to our goals for watching NASCAR, who cares? 

Allow me to compare NASCAR (something none of us give a shit about) to something we all have at least a strong interest in watching: college football. Both are heavily loved in the south and both are being dominated by teams from that part of the U.S. But those aren’t the only similarities, at least for me. My college, the University of the Pacific, is the last D1 school to get rid of its football team (with the exception of UAB’s brief elimination of its team). Therefore, I have no inherent rooting interest when it comes to college football — I just want chaos. I’m also willing to bet the vast majority of this group also have no rooting interest, at least when it comes to most of the college football we actually watch (D1 — schools with an actual shot to win the national championship). The only teams we’d tend to root for are those with random ties to our favorite NFL teams or whoever’s playing Alabama (by far the most dominant school of our adult lives). This is the attitude we should take when watching NASCAR. We don’t give a shit about who wins. We just want chaos — wrecks and exciting racing. If anything, when I was growing up I’d root for someone other than Jimmy Johnson (by far the most dominant driver of the modern era) to win, if only for parity. Hell, the only driver I wouldn’t be rooting for to win now would be Kyle Larson, even though he’s from Elk Grove (and I guess Denny Hamlin now, too). 

(Side note: yes, there’s a huge at least partially true stereotype about NASCAR and its fans being racist. While I believe the sport itself has taken steps to get rid of that bullshit, I have my reservations about fans. However, I’m not suggesting we invade the Deep South and go to Talladega or Darlington or something. We’ll still be in NorCal, literally less than two hours from our homes. I have a feeling there will be a lot fewer racist people in Sonoma than in Bristol or Martinsville.)

There’s another reason I brought up the college football comparison. Remember back when we had a goal of watching a home game at every member of the Pac-12? That wasn’t just to watch good college football. It was to enjoy the splendors of the tailgating and overall partying/drinking atmosphere of those schools. Well, with all due respect to football fans, there is no other group that can turn tailgating into an art form quite like NASCAR fans. Remember, NASCAR doesn’t roll into a track for just one race. There’s a whole weekend of races planned, meaning NASCAR fans stock up for the long haul. They bring RVs packed with enough meat and beer to feed a small army (considering that’s what they kind of are, it makes sense). The race is only part of their fun — the rest is filled with drinking and partying. This is the essence of my plea to you all — this is why I’d really like to go to a NASCAR race.

As it turns out, we also got lucky in terms of tracks. Sonoma Raceway is different than most NASCAR tracks, most notably because it’s a road course, not an oval. While that does negate some of the pack racing benefits I’ve mentioned earlier, it doesn’t eliminate them completely and also adds some of the danger/different aspects of a more traditional, turn-filled course. But if you think that slows it down compared to other tracks when it comes to off-course activities, you’d be wrong. Inside Tailgating of all sites ranked Sonoma Raceway 4th overall (just behind freaking Daytona) when it comes to the top tracks to party at in all of NASCAR. Just imagine being surrounded by people who want to do nothing but party, drink alcohol, and eat BBQ for an entire weekend. That sounds like a damn good time. What’s more, the campground we’d be staying at opens at 10 a.m. the THURSDAY before the race and closes at noon the day AFTER the race. If NASCAR does anything right, it’s catering to their fans in attendance, whether they be tailgating or at the track. If the vast amount of things to do at camp or at the racetrack itself somehow isn’t enough or doesn’t live up to expectations, we’re still in wine country — we can just fuck off and have a great time.

To cut my rambling short and summarize it all up: let’s go to the Toyota/Save Mart 350 on Sunday, June 11 at Sonoma Raceway, not because we’re big NASCAR fans who care about who wins, but so we can spend a weekend partying, drinking, eating good BBQ, and watching cars go fast and crash. We won’t be the first group of sceptical people to make Sonoma our first NASCAR race and we won’t be the last. But if we’re ever going to attend a NASCAR race, Sonoma is unintentionally the perfect place to get it done. We have a month and a half to plan everything and make it happen. All told, this could be the spark for one of our most memorable weekends as a group we’ve ever had.

Let’s go racing, boys! 

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness