The leaves are turning red, pumpkin spice is in the air, school is back in session, and it’s no longer fashionable to wear white. Despite the area just getting through several days of triple digit hell, Fall is indeed upon us, bringing with it the greatest season of them all: football. With all the craziness of this past offseason, we can only hope this NFL season is just as exciting.
A lot has passed since Gee prevented himself from becoming the Epic League version of the Buffalo Bills – and I’m not just talking about all of the trades and transactions I mentioned in this past newsletter. There’s been a change in the roster – out goes Taylor (though his legacy will live on in the form of our last place trophy, “The Jop”) and in comes a returning Emilio to take his place. Perhaps a now-married Emilio can have a bit more success than he had in his previous time in the league. Of course, joining him in the land of legal monogamy is Ewing, who tied the knot this past May in a beautiful ceremony led by an officiant who gave perhaps the greatest speech in the history of weddings. That’s not the only milestone Ewing crossed this year, with him being just the latest in the group to turn 30. At this point I believe Chriss and Richard are the only ones whose age does not begin with a “3” (or a “6” in the case of Dad). Indeed, we have entered or are entering a new era of our lives. It’s more important now than ever to stay connected and keep up these friendships. At the very least we have to keep going until Nick invites us all to his wedding and we can get properly shitfaced.
Hopefully, your summer was eventful and fun. While I only went to San Francisco for the event, Ewing’s wedding kicked off my annual travel period. While I regrettably didn’t venture overseas (due to certain, potentially life-altering circumstances that didn’t end up coming to pass), I still managed to make my way through a surprising amount of the East Coast. I crossed off eight new states (I’m up to 22 total) and found myself in cities like Washington, D.C., Baltimore, and Philadelphia. I made it to the Baseball HOF in Cooperstown, where I watched my favorite player of all time, David Ortiz, get inducted. I also crossed off four MLB ballparks (the most recent one coming just two days ago) and plan to get one more off the list tomorrow night, bringing me to a lifetime total of 18 out of 30.
While I’m on the subject, in case my fellow baseball fiends want some info, here are my small paragraph-long reviews of each ballpark I visited this summer, in chronological order.
Nationals Park:
Great location – near the shore on the southern part of the city and below a fun downtown scene to the north. Nice food choices highlighted by chili, gelato, and a decent lobster roll. Good seats altogether and still somewhat nice and new. But, there’s nothing truly distinct about the venue and it feels a bit too spacious in certain areas. Still, it’s a fun place to catch a baseball game.
Oriole Park at Camden Yards:
Holy fucking shit this place is awesome. Eutaw Street is fun and thriving, with restaurants and shops. The ballpark itself is beautiful, without a single bit of wasted space. The food is delicious (Boog’s BBQ and anything crab-related are must-haves) and there’s not a terrible seat in the house. It opens up to downtown and M&T Bank Stadium. Favorite ballpark not named Fenway.
Citizens Bank Park:
Unlike most other ballparks, it’s located right by the city’s other major sports venues, which is cool. The park itself is perfectly fine and catered to all things Philadelphia. Surprisingly, not a lot of notable food spots besides Tony Luke’s cheesesteaks (which are well worth the line). While there’s nothing exceptional about it, you’ll have a good time and Philly fans are entertaining.
Tropicana Field:
Make no mistake — this is truly a shitty ballpark. It’s old, antiquated, a bitch to navigate, and filled with good but generic sports food. However, there’s a certain charm that makes it endearing. The fact you can visit a pool of stingrays is also pretty cool. Sorry, A’s fans, but this is not the worst ballpark in MLB — the Coliseum is. Better hope that Howard Terminal venue is approved soon.
I’ll provide a similar review of ballpark No. 18, loanDepot Park in the next newsletter.
Now, some of you careful readers may have picked up on something. By mentioning that I just went to my most recent ballpark (Tropicana Field in Tampa Bay) two days ago and I plan to go to LoanDepot Park in Miami tomorrow, I gave away the fact that my current location is not California. I am, in fact, currently in Florida – Orlando to be specific. Now why the fuck am I in the Sunshine State? Last night, Sacramento Republic FC faced off against home side Orlando City of MLS in the final of the U.S. Open Cup, the oldest and most prestigious soccer tournament in the U.S. Only once since MLS formed in 1996 has a lower-division side (the Rochester Raging Rhinos in 1999) won the Open Cup and only twice (1999 and 2008) had a lower-division side even made the final. So the fact that a club from my hometown had accomplished this feat (by beating three MLS clubs – San Jose Earthquakes, LA Galaxy, Sporting KC in the process) was incredible. I had to be there to watch Republic FC take a swing at history. I also wasn’t the only member of the Epic League who felt this way.
That’s right! Kyle and his girlfriend, Alli, joined me on this epic cross-country soccer journey (as well as the Rays-Red Sox game last night). We laughed, we cheered, we cried, we drank a lot of alcohol. While ultimately Sacramento came up short in their quest for the Open Cup, it was still a fun trip that still has some life left (although Kyle is currently trying to drink his sorrows away with me in Orlando, an effort not helped by the fact that I keep giving him shit about Manchester United beating Arsenal on Sunday). Fortunately, he has this newsletter to distract him.
While Republic FC will come home from this trip empty-handed, I did pick up a little something from my travels. While in Washington, D.C., I visited the National Archives, home of the Declaration of Independence, Constitution, Bill of Rights, and Magna Carta. It’s also the home of an exhibit opening later this month about sports in America. As part of that exhibit, there was an item in the gift shop I thought looked interesting. It’s a neat, old school-styled poster displaying the rules of football, a graphic of the field and a play, and a display of the current teams. I brought it home and – like the signed Marshall Faulk mini-helmet from last year – will go to whoever scores the most points during the regular season. As was the case last year, whoever has the best record at the end of the regular season will win free beer of their choosing (or free weed in Gee’s case). Also, the payout for the podium finishers is increased due to the upped buy-in costs, with 1st place receiving $450, 2nd getting $100, and 3rd $50.
Of course, while there’s still plenty of wheeling and dealing when it comes to trades and waivers, the quest for the Epic Bowl begins with a solid draft. How did everyone do when it comes to the draft? Let’s go through each team and – because we’re millennials used to participation trophies – hand out awards for everyone, named after famous Floridians. That’s right, this month’s theme is Florida.
Let’s get weird.
DRAFT RECAP
ROMAN REIGNS “HEAD OF THE TABLE” AWARD:
It’s not every day I agree with Yahoo!, who projects Yea Baby! to finish in first place. However, I think Arik had the best draft overall, putting together an impressive roster headlined by the duo of Tom Brady and Mike Evans. Interestingly, I tried this same strategy several years ago with Brady and Randy Moss, only to lose my QB for the season in Week 1. But even if history repeats itself, Arik has a solid group of Austin Ekeler, Diontae Johnson, Nick Chubb, Adam Thielen, and Kyle Pitts (not to mention Amari Cooper, Tyler Lockett, and Kareen Hunt on the bench) as backup.
RON DESANTIS “MASSIVE PIECE OF SHIT” AWARD:
To be clear, I’m not saying Nick is a piece of shit — his roster is. Rarely is there a consensus pick for “worst draft,” not to mention one that Yahoo! also gives the worst draft grade. But Dixie Normous managed to pull it off. Obviously we can’t blame Nick — a wedding takes precedence over a fantasy football draft and he had to auto-draft. But holy shit did Nick get shafted by the machine this year. Jalen Hurts and Kirk Cousins at QB? Unless both improve, Nick might just finish at the bottom of the standings and take home “The Jop.” Fantasy football is weird, though.
PITBULL “DAY DRINKING” AWARD:
By selecting a defense in the 6th round and a K in the 8th round, Dad not only made some… surprising choices, but also triggered the drinking rules at Jimmy’s Unfortunately, because Dad wasn’t at the party, I had to take the drinks for him. So thanks, Dad! While he was at home, he was still probably drinking while assembling the TEAM DOMINION lineup — how else do you expect the continued devotion to drafting Pat Mahomes early? Did I mention that defense pick came before Dad had a single TE on his roster? How did Dad make the Epic Bowl last year?
DAN MARINO “ALL OFFENSE” AWARD:
This award by any other name would still be given to Kyle, who as usual is putting the gas pedal firmly on the floor. He’s getting a little sloppy though, actually drafting a defense this time (though he did wait until the second-to-last round). Team TBD didn’t draft a defensive player, either. Kyle’s roster is heavily geared towards the Cowboys, with Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott, and Tony Pollard involved. I guess picking the greatest QB for a Florida-based team not named Tom Brady was a smart choice, considering — like Dan Marino — those Dallas players will fail to win a Super Bowl.
BACKSTREET BOYS “EVERYBODY” AWARD:
Backstreet’s back alright, and so is Gee, who’s looking to go back-to-back this year. Gee got a strong boost from the first overall pick, which brought last year’s MVP, Jonathan Taylor, back to the 49ers roster. The rest of the lineup includes Russell Willson and the unusual two-TE set of George Kittle and Mark Andrews (taking a page out of my 2019 title-winning book). To be fair, we can’t make an accurate assessment of Gee’s roster because he still has to make about 1,000 transactions. By the end of the year, Gee will have added pretty much “everybody” at least once.
ACE VENTURA “ASS YOU A FEW QUESTIONS” AWARD:
Of all the rosters in the league, Chriss’ seems to have the most questions and “what if?”s in it. Derek Carr does have Davante Adams to throw to, but does that make him starting caliber? Can Tee Higgins as a No. 2 guy and Terry McLaurin with Carson Wentz as his QB be productive as WRs. Can Leonard Fournette maintain his leading role in the Buccaneers’ backfield? Can D.K. Metcalf thrive without Russell Wilson? Will Christian McCaffrey and Miles Sanders avoid injury? If all of those questions can be answered with “yes,” Well Damn may be a championship threat.
TIM TEBOW “JUST RUN THE BALL” AWARD:
While most teams will be looking to get their points through the air, at the end of the day whoever has their RBs step up the most usually wins. Richard has gone balls deep into this strategy with his lineup, which is led by Joe Mixon and Alvin Kamara. Brandon Aiyuk may be a strong WR, but given the 49ers’ offense he may be used in a lot of designed runs. The Krispy Kritters even fit the mold at QB — Lamar Jackson, who for as good as he is throwing the ball will make his mark with his feet. I’m not comparing Jackson to Tim Tebow — they each have won a single playoff game.
JEB BUSH “PLEASE CLAP” AWARD:
Maybe it’s because he wasn’t actually at the draft party (fucker), but Ewing had a sneaky good draft. Three Eyed Ravens is loaded with guys like Josh Allen, Cooper Kupp, Hunter Renfrow, James Conner, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who will see more action due to the whole “Chiefs trading Tyreek Hill” thing. But there’s another reason Ewing may be a dark horse title contender. Remember how he went on a tear last year after getting engaged? Well he’s married now. Imagine the superpowers he’ll get from that (sorry Nick the statute of limitations has expired).
CROCKETT & TUBBS “VICE” AWARD:
Perhaps it’s the freedom I’ve felt from my recent (and current) vacations, but I was feeling a little risky at the draft, more willing to lean into my vices. Not one, but two Raiders players (Josh Jacobs and Darren Waller) are starters for the Cock Commanders. Leaning into my favorite team is one thing, but taking a player I actively hate (but crucially isn’t on an AFC West rival anymore) in Tyreek Hill is another. Then I have Joe Burrow, who… well I mean just look at him. Maybe I went too far, given that my RBs are Jacobs and Dalvin Cook, who are addicted to getting injured.
UDONIS HASLEM “I’M FUCKING OLD” AWARD:
Not only has a returning Emilio increased the average age in the league, he’s also brought with him some old school thinking not seen since the 2000’s. While Dad may be justifiably getting shit, Emilio has somehow flown under the radar while drafting TWO defenses (back-to-back no less) and TWO defensive players (also back-to-back). That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Funny enough, Already Invested $$ will have to rely on youth — Justin Herbert/Kyler Murray, Marquise Brown, J.K. Dobbins — to get the job done. Also, it didn’t hurt to draft Derrick Henry and Travis Kelce.
DWAYNE JOHNSON “WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING” AWARD:
Every year, Riaz’s lineups seem to be a bit of a mixed bag, yet he’s always somehow in the playoff race until the end. This year, the Footballdamus lineup has a ton of potential. Aaron Rodgers, despite losing his top target, is still the back-to-back MVP. Justin Jefferson and Keenan Allen are studs, while D’Andre Swift and Eli Mitchell have the potential to take the next step up. But look towards Riaz’s bench and you’ll see another name — DeAndre Hopkins. Riaz actually has a plan for later — once Hopkins returns from his suspension, it’ll be a big boost for Riaz.
CARROT TOP “GREAT IN THE PAST” AWARD:
Much like the red-haired comedian this award is named after, Jimmy used to be a consistent title contender. Then something happened and he’s been stuck towards the bottom for the past few years. Does Hog Wild have the roster to finally turn things around? Possibly. Matt Staffoard, A.J. Brown, Davante Adams, and CeeDee Lamb certainly lay the foundation for a promising season for our draft host. But questions remain at RB, where Jimmy is relying on the two most dangerous types of players when it comes to fantasy football: a Patriots RB and a member of the Jaguars.
In case you haven’t seen them, these are Yahoo!’s official projections for how the season will go.
Save it for posterity, whether to laugh at or be amazed at when the season’s over.
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
Of all the NFL seasons I’ve begun as a Raiders fan, I’ve never felt quite the way I do heading into this one, at least for on-field reasons. The whole “moving to Las Vegas” thing a couple of years ago was also pretty notable, although I was able to temper some emotions with mild expectations for wins and losses. But this year is weird. This year, the Raiders are coming off a playoff appearance (after one of the craziest seasons in franchise history) and added the best WR in football. Several pundits are not only picking us to return to the postseason, but also win the AFC West. Somehow, despite everything we Raiders fans have been through over the past two decades, I can’t help but feel genuine optimism… something that’s actually backed up by non-Raiders fans. Is this what hope feels like? Can’t wait to have our dreams crushed by Week 14 or something.
Of course, while the addition of Davante Adams (and guys like Chandler Jones) are positives, there are still a lot of questions surrounding the team. While Rich Bisaccia may not have been the most tactically-gifted coach, he was a true leader of men who actually got this fucking team to the playoffs. Replacing him is Josh McDaniels, whose head coaching resume includes massively fucking up the Broncos (a positive for us, but still) and ghosting the Colts. Has McDaniels truly matured and is he finally ready to be a head coach? How will his offense look, especially with Adams in the fold? Can Jones, Maxx Crosby, and the defense gel enough to not fuck everything up like they did in 2020?
The early results have been promising, with the Raiders winning each of their four preseason games. However, it’s extremely foolish to put a lot of stock in the preseason (let’s not forget the 2008 Lions also went unbeaten in the preseason, while the 2007 Patriots went winless the previous preseason). But goddamn man does seeing frequent images of Raiders victories feel good. Of course, tempering expectations beyond the usual Raiders fan pessimism is the fact that the AFC West is the Thunderdome. The Chiefs may have lost Tyreek Hill, but they’re still loaded on offense and will be the division favorite until they do in fact fall. The Chargers nearly beat the Raiders for a spot in the playoffs and massively upgraded their defense (even adding Khalil Mack of all people). All Denver, a QB away from being competitive, only added Russell fucking Wilson. On paper, all four teams are playoff caliber.
The Raiders won’t have an easy path back to the postseason, especially in the early part of the season, which begins this weekend on the road against Los Angeles. If there is any year Derek Carr will resurrect his 2016 form and people finally start taking the Raiders seriously again, it’s this year. People are saying we won’t suck. Cliff Branch is finally in the HOF. Things are looking to be going in our favor. Of course, this is always when Lucy moves the proverbial football out of our path. But maybe the Raiders will actually be able to kick it this time (after all, we saw what Daniel Carlson did last year).
One thing that will never stop is rumors, such as the one that came out while I was in D.C. During some kind of live online chat thing, Rob Gronkowski and UFC President Dana White alleged that two years ago, White had helped broker a deal that would see both Gronk and Tom Brady head to the Silver and Black. However, former head coach/shadow GM and noted social activist Jon Gruden apparently vetoed the idea and Brady went to Tampa instead. First off, I don’t believe this – why the fuck would White of all people be involved in NFL discussions and why would Brady be interested in the Raiders apart from making infuriating 30 for 30 films about them getting fucked out of a playoff win (and possible Super Bowl)? The team had just collapsed in epic fashion and the only redeemable aspect of the 2019 Raiders defense was that it was somehow better than the year after. Could Las Vegas have gotten an influx of talent like the Buccaneers did after Brady signed with them? Perhaps. But the 2020 Raiders had a lot more holes to fill and the window would’ve been insanely short, especially given Carr and Darren Waller would’ve been lost in the exchange. Also, this report doesn’t mean Carr was “that motherfucker” Brady talked about in that infamous interview (it appears that was Ryan Fitzpatrick). Regardless, fuck Tom Brady, fuck the Chargers, and fuck the haters. The Silver and Black are back.
Well, not everyone is back…
Goodbye you sweet, beautiful prince. I’m so sad Kenyan Drake’s time in Silver and Black is over and overall didn’t go great. Baltimore, take care of my man. Thanks again, Drake — we’ll always have 2019.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On September 8, 2002, the Houston Texans made their NFL debut by winning a game that may still rank as the most important in team history. Even though there have been several relocations of NFL teams since then, it’s been 20 years since an actual brand new team entered the league. That team was the Texans, who in 2002 ended a six-year football drought in Houston that began when the Oilers moved to Tennessee to eventually become the Titans. Houston had actually beaten out Los Angeles to be the home of the 32nd NFL franchise in 1999, with the team choosing the name “Texans” over the Apollos, Bobcats, Stallions, and Wildcatters. Dom Capers (who had previously coached the expansion Carolina Panthers in their 1995 debut) was made the Texans’ first head coach and the team made Fresno State QB David Carr the top pick in the 2002 draft and first pick in team history. The expansion draft saw the Texans fill out their roster with guys like HOFer Tony Boselli (who retired due to injury before playing a down with Houston), current Detroit Lions DC Aaron Glenn, former Houston Oiler Gary Walker, and several members of the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. All told, no expected much from the expansion Texans.
As for the Texans’ Week 1 opponents, they were yearning for the greener pastures they lived in just a few years ago. The Dallas Cowboys were seven years removed from their last Super Bowl title and truly looked like it. Emmitt Smith was entering his 13th season in Dallas, but he was the only member of the “triplets” remaining — Michael Irvin was forced to retire prematurely after the 1999 season and Troy Aikman retired before the start of the 2001 season. Dave Campo was entering his third season as Cowboys head coach, despite many fans calling for his head after consecutive 5-11 seasons. Although the big men would get some focus when the Cowboys became the first NFL franchise to start an all-African-American offensive line, it was another position –QB — that was in the spotlight (and not just because the Cowboys were on Hard Knocks). Quincy Carter had a disappointing, injury-plagued start to his career in 2001 and Jerry Jones had signed Chad Hutchinson — who had spent the last four years in the St. Louis Cardinals’ system as a pitcher — to an expensive backup deal. With expectations low for both teams, there wasn’t going to be a lot to play for — except for Week 1.
Even though Cowboys-Oilers hadn’t been much of a rivalry (they had only met eight times in 37 years), hostility had built after the Oilers’ departure. With Houston finally back in the game, the interstate showdown in a state where football is king had become the must-see matchup of Week 1 (it was on Sunday Night Football, no less). Commissioner Paul Tagliabue called it the “Texas Super Bowl,” and it felt that way when nearly 70,000 fans packed Reliant Stadium to welcome the Texans into the NFL and boo the Cowboys. In a visually unusual matchup (the Texans wore white at home while the normally white-clad Cowboys were wearing blue), Houston came out firing, with Carr’s first career completion being a TD to Billy Miller just 74 seconds into the game. From there however, both offenses struggled (neither QB would complete more than half his throws and each would throw an INT), with each team only adding a FG to their score before halftime. Midway through the 3rd quarter, Michael Wiley broke out a 46-yard TD run to even the score at 10-10. But early into the 4th quarter, Carr launched a bomb to Corey Bradford, who ran the rest of the way in to complete the 65-yard TD. The Texans defense held on from there, sacking Carter in the end zone for a safety to complete the 19-10 win over their Texas rivals and become just the second NFL team to be victorious in their inaugural game (joining the 1961 Minnesota Vikings).
Given the circumstances, you could argue no win has been bigger in Texans history. It was certainly the highlight of the season — Houston would finish 4-12 and Carr would be sacked out of the city a few years later (his legacy would also eventually be overshadowed by his little brother, Derek). It took the Texans until 2009 to compile a winning record and 2011 to earn a playoff spot. While Houston has won four playoff games (all at home), they are the only NFL franchise to not reach the conference championship game. Apart from their debut game, their biggest win was somehow making the Cleveland Browns pay a king’s ransom to take the brunt of the Deshaun Watson scandal. Things haven’t been much better for their in-state rivals, however. The Week 1 loss to Houston set the tone for Dallas, who finished 5-11 for a third year in a row. Campo was fired and replaced by Bill Parcells, who, along with a revived Carter, led the Cowboys back to the playoffs in 2003 (that year Dallas also signed an undrafted free agent QB named Tony Romo). However, like the Texans, they have yet to reach the conference title game in over 20 seasons. The two teams now compete in the Governor’s Cup, which also includes the preseason. While Dallas leads 3-2 when it counts, Houston has the overall series lead at 9-8. The Cowboys will have a chance to even things up when they host the Texans in Week 14. Still, until they actually contest an all-Texas Super Bowl, no game between the two will mean as much as the first one.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2019: In his first NFL start, top overall draft pick Kyler Murray rallies the Arizona Cardinals back from a 16-point 4th quarter deficit against the Detroit Lions, with the game ending in a 27-27 tie
— 2011: Rookie Randall Cobb returns a kickoff 108 yards for a TD as the Green Bay Packers defeat the New Orleans Saints 42-34 in a matchup of the previous two Super Bowl champs
— 1991: Bill Belichick records his first win as an NFL head coach, as his Cleveland Browns defeat (of all teams) the New England Patriots 20-0 on the road
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 SUPER BOWLS I WISH THE OTHER TEAM HAD WON
When the Rams and Bengals advanced to Super Bowl LVI, I was thrilled. For the first time I could remember, I could watch a Super Bowl without fear of having a team I despise win or having a team I was genuinely rooting for lose. It was the polar opposite of Super Bowl LV, when I wanted both teams to get hit by a meteor. While Cincinnati had eliminated my Raiders from the playoffs, they more than made up for it by taking down the Kansas City Chiefs (plus the franchise has been suffering for so long I was okay with it). While overall I’m lukewarm on the Rams, Los Angeles had a bunch of guys like Matt Stafford, Cooper Kupp, Andrew Whitworth, Johnny Hekker who I’d like to see win a ring. I could actually sit back and just watch a good game without any hesitancy.
Two weeks later, after watching that good game (with only Dad and Gee attending my Super Bowl party, you motherfuckers), I was unexpectedly heartbroken. My rooting interest had gradually changed ahead of kickoff for a number of reasons. The pure euphoria of Bengals fans reacting to their unexpected shot at glory, the pure swag of Joe Burrow and the young Cincinnati stars, and the desire to see a non-Chargers team win its first title had fully swayed me. In the meantime, all everyone could talk about when it came to the Rams was just how glamourous Los Angeles was and how a home Super Bowl victory seemed inevitable. I also may have been influenced by some of my San Francisco 49ers fan friends (who hate the Rams) and the fact that I had to take a live reporter hit every day the week before the Super Bowl (which had a Rams bias). I also think that rooting interest was made stronger in the aftermath of the game, when that piece of shit Stan Kroenke lifted the Lombardi Trophy (not that Mike Brown is exactly deserving), when assholes like Jalen Ramsey talked shit (although Joe Mixon and Eli Apple aren’t angels themselves), and when that photographer fell and broke her back (bad look for Stafford). If the Bengals had won, none of those things would’ve happened.
So that got me thinking, which results of past Super Bowls would I reverse given the chance? Not every one of those games in which I had a deep rooting interest went the way I wanted. But I also don’t want to just flip a switch on any game — sometimes, even though I wanted them to lose, the team I hated was by far the better team and objectively deserved to win. I want to pick games that were close, where a few plays — had they gone differently — could’ve changed the outcome. I’ll be favoring teams that don’t win a lot or even at all, and of course looking to take as many championships away from non-Raiders AFC West teams as possible. I also thought about going the other route…
HONORABLE MENTION: SUPER BOWL II/XXXVII
To skip over the Roman calculations, these are the two super Bowls the Raiders lost. Super Bowl II obviously was a long time ago and the Raiders’ loss played a role in the mystique of the New York Jets’ upset win the following year, so I’ll give it a pass. But goddamn it do I wish Super Bowl XXXVII went the other way. What would’ve happened had Barret Robbins not gone AWOL, Rich Gannon actually thrown to someone wearing white, and Bill Callahan not had his head up his ass? Maybe I can settle for simply making the final score respectable instead?
HONORABLE MENTION: SUPER BOWL XXXIX
The 1990’s Buffalo Bills (more on them later) rightfully have a reputation for blue balling their fans by so close to championships, yet falling short. But the 2000’s Philadelphia Eagles did plenty of their own blue balling. Four straight NFC title games (and five overall) only netted one Super Bowl appearance and no victories. Had Super Bowl XXXIX gone differently, Donovan McNabb would’ve gotten the respect he deserves. Also, maybe Andy Reid lasts longer in Philly or retires after his tenure with the Eagles and doesn’t make his way over to Kansas City.
HONORABLE MENTION: SUPER BOWL XXXII
I cringe every time I see the famous “helicopter” play from Super Bowl XXXII, mainly because fuck John Elway and fuck the Denver Broncos. The game was so close, but the Green Bay Packers had their chances to win and blew it. Had the Packers been able to pull out the victory, maybe Elway calls it quits after yet another title game defeat and the Broncos are still chasing their first championship. Certainly Denver wouldn’t have had the mental fortitude to go back to another Super Bowl the following year, which unlike this edition manages to make the Top 10.
10. SUPER BOWL XXXIII
There’s another Super Bowl loss by the Atlanta Falcons I would’ve prefered had gone the other way (spoiler alert), but that doesn’t mean their first title game loss gets to fly under the radar. Unlike in the previous year’s game, first year Falcon Eugene Robinson was poor both on and off the field in Super Bowl XXXIII, giving up a back-breaking 80-yard TD en route to a 34-19 loss to the Denver Broncos. The whole “fuck John Elway and the Broncos” thing applies here as well. But while I would change this game so Denver doesn’t win, it doesn’t mean I would give Atlanta the victory. Instead, I’d change the result before this one, so the Falcons don’t even make the Super Bowl. Atlanta only did so because the 15-1 Minnesota Vikings — considered by many the best team to never play in the Super Bowl — somehow managed to out-choke the Falcons. I believe that Vikings team could’ve taken Denver down, which not only would mean one fewer ring for Elway, but also Minnesota finally ends its own drought and gets a Lombardi Trophy.
9. SUPER BOWL XXVIII
I feel like Super Bowl XXVIII goes under the radar when it comes to “what if?” games. This still remains the only Super Bowl that was a rematch from the previous year. Because it was the final of the Bills’ four Super Bowl losses and in the middle of the Cowboys’ dynasty of the 1990’s (Dallas had beat the shit out of Buffalo 52-17 the year before), many look at the final score of 30-13 and assume it was simply another ass-whooping. However, did you know the Bills were winning 13-6 at halftime? Not only were they in position to get the win, but Buffalo had the ball to begin the 2nd half. Sadly, the Bills went full Bills, with Thurman Thomas fumbling the ball just 45 seconds into the half and James Washington returning it for a TD to tie the game. Imagine if that play doesn’t happen and Buffalo adds to the lead. Considering the three Super Bowls that came before (including one that also makes this list), the Bills being able to come out on top in the end would’ve been the ultimate testament to perseverance and a great finish to that era.
8. SUPER BOWL XXXVIII
This Super Bowl is more known for what happened at halftime (the Justin Timberlake-Janet Jackson controversy) than the end result. While everyone knows about Adam Vinatieri’s game-winning kick, Super Bowl XXXVIII was kind of insane. Both the Patriots and Panthers combined for 868 yards and 61 points, despite neither team scoring in the 1st or 3rd quarters (in fact the game was scoreless with just over three minutes left in the 2nd quarter). The 4th quarter was bonkers, with New England and Carolina combining for a record 37 points in the final frame. Despite failed two-point conversions, all the momentum was with the Panthers, who tied the game with 68 seconds left. That momentum was promptly thrown away when John Kasay booted the ensuing kickoff out of bounds, giving the Patriots prime position to drive downfield for the winning kick. If Kasay doesn’t fuck up, maybe the “Cardiac Cats” keep that momentum and end up winning in OT, not only giving Carolina its first title but taking one away from Tom Brady.
7. SUPER BOWL XL
Perhaps more than any other Super Bowl, Super Bowl XL is remembered more for controversial officiating decisions than anything the players did — with one notable exception. Everyone can recall the Steelers’ gadget play that saw Antwaan Randle El hit Hines Ward for the clinching score in a 21-10 win. But just a few plays later, the Seahawks were down just 14-10 and Matt Hasselbeck had connected with Jerramy Stevens at the one-yard line. However, Sean Locklear was called for holding Clark Haggans (who appeared to be offsides), negating the major gain. Hasselback then threw an INT and was called for a low block of all things to give Pittsburgh an extra 15 yards. Earlier in the game, Darrell Jackson’s TD for Seattle was negated by a weak pass interference call, while Ben Roethlisberger was ruled to have broken the goal line on a one-yard run (despite seeming short on replay). If one or two of those controversial calls go the other way, Seattle likely gets the win and earns its first Lombardi Trophy eight years earlier.
6. SUPER BOWL LVI
I feel this is a good spot to put Super Bowl LVI right now, if only for the fact it just happened. But this won’t likely stay here — it’ll either go up or disappear altogether. All of that depends on whether or not the Bengals can get back to the Super Bowl (and more importantly win). Yes, the core of Joe Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase, and Tee Higgins are young and only getting better (plus the Bengals have plenty of room to beef up their offensive line). But Super Bowls are tough to win. While I hate them, Pat Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, and Travis Kelce are incredible — they have “only” won one Super Bowl. No one apart from Tom Brady makes getting to the big game look easy. The history of the NFL is littered with teams who had potential to do big things, only to fall short. Plus, the AFC is littered with guys like Mahomes, Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Justin Herbert, and other tough teams. There’s no guarantee this young Cincinnati squad will make it back to the Super Bowl. Just remember Dan Marino — he never made it back after his second season.
5. SUPER BOWL 50
In the leadup to Super Bowl 50, so-called Raiders fan Taylor Jopson told me he was rooting for the Broncos to win so Peyton Manning could go out with another ring. That alone cements this game in the Top 5. Throw in the whole “fuck the Broncos” thing and the “team shooting for their first championship” and it’s defniitely worthy of being this high up. Manning put up arguably the worst performance by a Super Bowl-winning QB and only fulfilled Jop’s wish because Denver’s defense was incredible. Yet, the Panthers had their chances. A 24-yard catch by Jerricho Cotchery was incorrectly ruled an incompletion, with Denver getting a defensive TD two plays later. Jordan Norwood took advantage of Carolina confusion to set up one of the Broncos’ FGs. Another kick came right after Graham Gano missed one of his own. A ball bounced off Ted Ginn Jr.’s hands and was picked off. If the Panthers don’t fuck up, they win that game. Sadly, that didn’t happen and Carolina has been strugg-a-ling to get back to the big game ever since.
4. SUPER BOWL XXV
Hate is a strong and crucial part of sports fandom, with watching a rival team lose sometimes feeling just as good as watching your team win. Of course, watching them lose in cruel and unusual fashion is pure schadenfreude. But when these twisted, gut-wrenching losses happen to others, it’s not as funny, especially when it comes against a team who hasn’t won anything and a fan base who doesn’t deserve that. Case in point: the Buffalo Bills. The passionate, lovely Bills Mafia doesn’t deserve to be reminded of going winless in four straight Super Bowls. Let’s take away by far the most heartbreaking one of those losses — Super Bowl XXV. Of course, that was when Scott Norwood’s 47-yard FG sailed wide right, along with Buffalo’s best chance to win a title to date. There needs to be balance — you’ve got to have an incredible win or two to even out the horrific, life-shattering losses. Bills fans have done plenty enough (between the charity stuff and general awesomeness) to generate enough good karma. All that’s missing is a ring.
3. SUPER BOWL LIV
It may be a bit surprising to see Super Bowl LIV this high on the list. But for me this game gets personal for several reasons. First and most important — fuck the Chiefs. Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, and so many other Kansas City players are assholes who don’t deserve rings. This win also put Pat Mahomes at the center of seemingly half of the commercials during NFL games and gave his brother and fiancee a platform to be annoying. Then, I know and am related to several 49ers fans — a San Francisco win would’ve made them happy. But another massive reason this game needed to end in the opposite way is that this game was on FOX40 and I was working that night. Our post-game show would’ve been so much better and we would’ve had so many more viewers had the 49ers won. How do you blow a 10-point lead like that? How do you leave Hill that wide open? San Francisco’s choke job ruined the NFL for the past two years. I suppose we should’ve seen this coming, given Kyle Shanahan’s involvement in another game.
2. SUPER BOWL LI
What hasn’t been said about Super Bowl LI that’s already been spoken, written, screamed out, and thoroughly documented? The Falcons led 28-3 with just over two minutes left in the 3rd quarter, only for seemingly everything to go wrong and the Patriots to make an incredible comeback and win 34-28 in OT. Atlanta had so many chances to seal the game or at the very least not give New England enough time to complete their surge. Devona Freeman’s whiff of a block that led to Matt Ryan’s fumble, Kyle Shanahan refusing to run the ball after Julio Jones’ phenomenal catch, Julian Edelman somehow managing to bring in that pass for his own amazing catch. If just one of those plays has a different result, Atlanta finally gets that elusive Lombardi Trophy. Instead, they have to bear the weight of the worst choke job in all of sports. No matter how great the Falcons become — or even if they actually win the Super Bowl — they will never be able to escape “28-3.” It’s a stain Atlanta will never be able to completely erase.
1. SUPER BOWL XLIII
The Arizona Cardinals have been in existence since 1898 and are one of two charter members of the NFL still in existence (along with the Chicago Bears). During that time, they’ve won two championships, the most recent coming in 1947. Put it this way — the Cardinals have a longer title drought than the Sacramento Kings. Since then, they’ve only even been to one title game: Super Bowl XLIII. Taking on Arizona were the Pittsburgh Steelers, one of the NFL’s winningest franchises (who had just won the Super Bowl three years earlier) and full of notable assholes like Ben Roethlisberger, James Harrison, and Santonio Holmes. Somehow, Kurt Warner (whose own story literally the stuff of movies) and the universally loved Larry Fitzgerald had given Arizona a late lead with a 64-yard TD. However, the Steelers managed to come back with their own miracle play and deny the Cardinals their drought-ending title. This year marks 75 years since the Cardinals’ last title. How I wish their one chance in that time would’ve been successful.
STAT OF THE MONTH
In life, there’s a dark side to pretty much everything. The food you eat is often prepared by terribly underpaid workers and leaves behind a massive carbon footprint just to get to your plate. The car you drive pollutes the environment. The place you work for doesn’t truly care about you and can replace you with relative ease. Pretty much everything you buy is made by a company run by people lining their pockets with your money while using their wealth and influence to pass or change laws which only benefit them and their income tax bracket. The vacation destination of your choice likely screws over the local population to cater to tourists. It’s all kinda fucked if you think about it for long.
The same principle applies to sports. In the vast majority of cases, the team you devote your energy, love, and passion towards doesn’t care about you as an individual. They only worry about public perception by feigning to care about the fan base as a whole in order to prevent damaging their brand. They don’t even really care about their players, even those beloved by fans (the “what have you done for me lately?” point of view). Even those players we idolize are more often than not assholes, gifted athletes who have been told “yes” for their entire lives, building immunity to caring about being too drunk to drive or assaulting women. It’s also impossible for many families to regularly attend games due to the rising cost of everything from tickets to concessions to even getting to the game. Some team owners truly only care about the bottom line – spending as little money as possible while trying to gain as many profits as possible. Don’t like it? Well, they’ll just move the team to a new city unless you spend billions of taxpayer dollars on a new stadium. Those franchises which do care about winning will do so at any cost, whether it be money or morals.
So how do we justify rooting for these teams? Well to start not every owner or team or player fits those descriptors. There are owners who genuinely care about the team and its community. There are players who are wonderful human beings. Privately financed stadium projects have led to great community development. There is also of course the natural human emotion of being proud of where you are, with local rooting interest driving your interest. People who have played those particular sports or are interested in them will be drawn to them. Then there are those who are just looking to blow off some team by watching humans do cool athletic shit.
But I also think there’s a natural ignorance that has to come with rooting for sports teams. Hell, just look at the teams I root for. The Las Vegas Raiders are literally famous for being assholes and breaking the rules. The Boston Red Sox were the last team to integrate and are so worried about spending money they traded a generational talent in his prime for nothing (fuck you, Nick). The Sacramento Kings nearly left and – even though they stayed – are arguably the biggest laughing stock in American sports. Manchester United is owned by some of the biggest assholes involved in sports ownership. But I love them all anyway and am not going to change my rooting interests anytime soon. Plus, no one is perfect. We love our teams fully knowing their flaws. It’s like loving family or a significant other.
However, even with that kind of love, there’s always a line – a line which, if crossed, cannot elicit forgiveness and means cutting immediate ties. Everyone has a line; it’s just a matter of where you draw yours. What happens if your favorite team does something that crosses the line?
I’m not going to write about what Deshaun Watson allegedly did or didn’t do – what he’s accused of doing to those women is unacceptable and more than two dozen allegations don’t come from nowhere. Watson – someone I once cheered for as the QB of the Epic Bowl-winning Orchids of Asia – should no longer be in the league and should be behind bars. But that’s not how life works. I’m also not going to write about the ultimate punishment Watson received from the NFL – a suspension of only 11 games (less than what the NFL originally offered Watson as a settlement), which conveniently ends as the Cleveland Browns face Watson’s old team, the Houston Texans. We all know that decision was horseshit and I’d be pandering to the crowd.
Instead, I’d like to ask a question. Where is your line, your breaking point at which the NFL cannot regain your trust and you ultimately stopped watching football?
Browns fans are asking themselves that question as we speak. It’s kind of incredible – how can you possibly turn perhaps the biggest underdog in American professional sports, a team everyone outside of Southern Ohio wanted to succeed, into a team no one outside of Northern Ohio will ever root for? Trading a king’s ransom of draft picks for a QB accused of sexually assaulting more than two dozen women and giving him the most guaranteed money in NFL history, while at the same time alienating a QB who not only led your team to your first playoff win since the original Browns relocated but also played while injured to try to get your team back to the playoffs, will do that. While thankfully the backlash from non-Cleveland fans has been swift and unanimous, the same can’t be said for all of the Dawg Pound, some of whom are proving to be bigger pieces of shit than Watson himself. There are many who don’t care at this point what it takes to win a championship. I guess we already knew this, because three years ago similar backlash came against the Houston Astros.
But what about the rest of us? While we can all hate Cleveland, what about the league that’s enabling this kind of behavior with a slap on the wrist? As the above tweet shows, this isn’t the first time the NFL’s wheel of discipline has landed on the wrong choice. Numerous players (most notable Josh Gordon) have been handed lengthy suspensions for marijuana use. Those suspensions have sometimes been longer than those who have been busted for PEDs, which can literally help change the outcome of a game. Those have also been longer than many suspensions handed to players guilty of things like domestic violence and sexual assault. The only guy who got (rightfully) blackballed from the league for this kind of issue was Ray Rice, who was the only one unlucky enough to have his punch caught on camera. Hell, look at all the shit Antonio Brown’s done. But god forbid Calvin Ridley gamble less money that’s on my bi-monthly paycheck on his team winning, lest he be indefinitely suspended.
Don’t think the NFL is alone in enabling this kind of bullshit, either – teams are just as responsible. Brown was a known head case and alleged abuser when Tom Brady wanted yet another weapon to throw to, allowing Brown to win a Super Bowl. The Pittsburgh Steelers have regularly allowed Ben Roethlisberger to be a fucking asshole while cutting or suspending lesser players for much lesser issues. The Kansas City Chiefs might’ve traded away one asshole in Tyreek Hill but have a roster plagued with others. I’m not exempt from this, either – my Raiders traded for (then cut) Brown, signed guys like Vontaze Burfict and Richie Incognito, and allowed Tom Cable to coach (lest I forget I also have Hill on my fantasy team). Obviously, none of these past issues have been enough to cross my line, or yours.
However, I can’t think of a prior example of an NFL player accused of such awful crimes as Watson being so handsomely rewarded for his on-field ability by the Browns while his off-field activity is so lightly punished by Roger Goodell, with that punishment conveniently ending at the most profitable point possible for the league (Browns vs. Texans). It’s so blatantly fucked up that is seems the NFL knows they can get away with anything and not lose any fans. It’s like the NFL is Donald Trump and they can shoot someone on 5th avenue, make fun of every demographic that isn’t “rich,” “white,” and “male,” essentially commit treason, and still have a cult following.
Sadly, I know the Watson situation isn’t my line, nor is it yours or that of the vast majority of NFL fans. If it was, I wouldn’t be writing this newsletter or competing in fantasy football. So I ask again, what’s your line, at least when it comes to the NFL? What must the league or your favorite team do to lose your trust, interest, and fandom forever? Believe it or not, I’ve nearly had one league cross my line. When the Kings were nearly about to leave for Seattle, I decided that if the move went forward I would no longer follow professional basketball, instead fully diving into hockey even more so than I already am. Fortunately, the Kings stayed and I still follow the NBA. My reward was seeing my hometown’s only major league sports franchise become a punching bag and the only other Northern California NBA team turn into a dynasty. But I only reached that point because it involved my favorite team moving from my city. It threatened my personal pride in my hometown, not any sort of moral code. Does that make me a bad person? Does following the NFL or other sports leagues (which certainly have their own dark history)? I don’t think so, but then again I’m being asked to judge myself. What about you?
Alright enough of the serious stuff – let’s get back to shitposting.
2022 DUES TALLY
Ruben: $50
Dad: $50
Ewing: $50
Kyle: $50
Chriss: $50
Emilio: $50
Gee: $50
Richard: $50
Nick: $50
Arik: $50
Riaz: $50
Jimmy: $50
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
49ERS VS. TEAM DOMINION
For the past eight months, Dad has been stewing over his Epic Bowl loss to Gee. Now, he gets an immediate chance to redeem himself for that championship defeat. But it won’t be easy. The 49ers lineup once again boasts Jonathan Taylor, along with new additions like Russell Wilson, George Kittle, Mark Andrews, and Javonte Williams. Dad unsurprisingly brings back his dear Pat Mahomes for the rematch, while retooling with the likes of Deebo Samuel and Jerry Jeudy. Najee Harris — on Gee’s team last year but helping out Dad this year — may be the difference.
DIXIE NORMOUS VS. TEAM TBD
Another intriguing rematch, this one may have more bragging rights on the line than the North London Derby. When it comes to Nick and Kyle, all eyes will be on the NFC East. Jalen Hurts and Dallas Goedert go for Dixie Normous, while Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott, and Saquan Barkley roll out for Team TBD. Kyle’s guys also happen to be facing Nick’s Buccaneers defense. Perhaps we should look to Green Bay’s RBs — Aaron Jones (Nick) and A.J. Dillon (Kyle) — for a potential x-factor here. Once (if) Kyle actually adds a defensive player, this should be an even matchup.
YEA BABY! VS. ALREADY INVESTED $$
Welcome back to the Epic League, Emilio! Here’s your first matchup — the guy projected to finish in first place. Arik’s roster certainly looks loaded for Week 1, especially with many of his guys facing teams not known for their defenses. However, not only does the Tom Brady-Mike Evans combo of Yea baby! face Arik’s own Cowboys defense, but Already Invested $$ has their own QB-WR duo in Justin Herbert and Mike Williams. This matchup may come down to the RBs, with Derrick Henry (Emilio) looking to keep up with Austin Ekeler and Nick Chubb (Arik).
COCK COMMANDERS VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
After my beloved Manchester United took care of Richard’s Liverpool, can the Cock Commanders follow up with a win over the Krispy Kritters? As of this writing, this matchup is the most even when it comes to Yahoo! projections. The RB corps in particular are fairly stacked, with Dalvin Cook and Josh Jacobs (me) against Joe Mixon and Alvin Kamara (Richard). Hopefully for Joe Burrow, the Bengals throw it more than run it. All I know is that Tyreek Hill has the perfect chance to piss me off by failing to do anything the one time I’m literally watching him play in person.
FOOTBALLDAMUS VS. HOG WILD
It looks like the Aaron Rodgers-Davante Adams connection still has legs. While Footballdamus has the Packers QB, Hog Wild boasts his former WR who’s now a member of the Raiders. To fill out their top QB-WR combos, both Riaz and Jimmy turn to players familiar with the NFC West — Justin Jefferson and Matt Stafford (not to mention both the Rams and Packers defenses will be in play in this matchup). While the RB showdown of Eli Mitchell and D’Andre Swift (Riaz) vs. Travis Etienne and Damien Harris (Jimmy) may not be sexy on paper, it will likely prove crucial here.
THREE EYED RAVENS VS. WELL DAMN
I labeled both Three Eyed Ravens and Well Damn as potential dark horses going into the season, so this week could be important if they want to live up to that projection. Ewing looks the strongest on paper thanks to Cooper Kupp, Josh Allen, and James Conner (his Ravens defense should also feast on the Jets). But Chriss has a potentially lethal core of Christian McCaffrey, Terry McLaurin, Miles Sanders, and Leonard Fournette. However, Derek Carr could be problematic for Chriss if he targets Hunter Renfrow, which would give Ewing a few points.
Here’s to another tremendous season of fantasy football!
ONE LAST THING
In the immortal words of Dave Grohl, I’ve got another confession to make – before I close this newsletter. Despite my daily social media posts and many Instagram stories highlighting my adventures on the East Coast, there was something I did in Washington, D.C. that has never been mentioned online, at least by me. In fact, there are only a handful of people who even know I took part in what happened. It’s something I never in my life anticipated doing and quite frankly carries a bit of a stigma. But it did in fact happen and – in the event it ever gets leaked – I wanted you to hear about it straight from me. It can also potentially be useful for your own edification.
Okay, here is goes… I attended a WWE event.
The event in question was Monday Night Raw at the Capital One Arena on August 15. Raw is one of the WWE’s two major live TV shows (the other being Smackdown, which airs every Friday) that progresses the overall stories through matches and promos, often building up to the major PPV events (the most recent being Clash at the Castle, which happened this past Saturday). It’s held in a different city each week and, unlike the more traditional house shows just meant to entertain fans, actually counts when it comes to overall results.
So why in the hell did this appeal to me? Well, over the past several months, I’ve become interested in the WWE and professional wrestling in general. Now when I say that by no means am I saying I’m a wrestling fan – quite frankly I don’t give a shit what actually happens in the ring. I’m basically the opposite of Emilio when it comes to being invested in the wrestlers themselves and who wins and loses. What intrigues me is everything that goes into putting on these kinds of shows, especially “sporting events” where the outcome is predetermined. Now while things are decided in advance, this doesn’t take away from the incredible feats of athleticism and stamina put on by the athletes. Also, like any TV show, wrestling needs to constantly keep up a compelling narrative in order to not piss off fans. As a storyteller myself, I’m interested in seeing exactly how they pull this off. It’s also fun to look back at what happened in the previous decades and see why – and how – each decision was made and how greatly it succeeded (or spectacularly flopped). Every sport also has its dark side and learning about the major black eyes on professional wrestling was disturbingly compelling (compared to the WWE’s scandals, the NFL’s scandals meet up for lunch at Weenie Hut Jr’s).
Again, I know none of this is an actual competition. Even though I grew up during wrestling’s biggest ever boom period, I never got swept up in the wave (I do distinctly remember Dad yelling at me for playing a WWE video game with my friend because one of the modes [“Hell in a Cell”] had a swear word in it). I went without giving a shit about WWE for most of my life, even as Smackdown began airing on FOX as the Friday lead-in to my 10 p.m. show. This lasted until in April – when wrestling’s biggest event, Wrestlemania, took place – when I started getting recommended wrestling videos on YouTube. I clicked on one and entered the rabbit hole, even though I still don’t care what happens and I don’t even have a favorite wrestler. But it seemed like fate when Dad and I ended up next to Madison Square Garden while on our way home from Cooperstown in July, on the very Monday that WWE happened to be airing Raw. I thought this would be the closest I’d ever get to attending an actual event.
Then one night as I was looking up things to do in D.C. I saw that Raw was airing live while I was going to be there. I didn’t have anything planned for that night, though I didn’t make any concrete commitments. At work the next day I brought it up with one of our directors, who is a WWE fan. He encouraged me to go and even asked for me to bring him a specific t-shirt of his favorite wrestler. Not wanting to be a dick and honestly looking for an excuse to go, I said yes and bought a ticket. Flash forward a couple weeks and I’m entering Capital One Arena, legs sore from walking around the National Mall and wondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into.
First off, wrestling fans are fucking passionate. About 90% of the crowd had some kind of wrestling gear on (the most common by far being replica championship belts) and many dressed up like wrestlers new and old. Even with the items they already had, they still packed the merch lines before the show, forcing me to just get a beer and find my seats instead. During breaks and even at some points during the action, there would be seemingly random chanting – they even literally hooted like an owl at several points during the evening. Things began at 4:30 p.m., about half an hour before Raw officially goes live on the USA Network. Those 30 minutes saw a pair of matches branded as “WWE Main Event,” which saw a massive human named Shelton Benjamin and a tag team called the Street Profits come out victorious. After a few in-arena advertisements, the main show began.
Now, something interesting happened weeks before this particular Raw. Vince McMahon – the owner and overall chief of everything in WWE for several decades – resigned amid reports he paid millions of dollars in hush money to cover up affairs and harassment claims. Now, this isn’t the first time McMahon has faced controversy (compared to McMahon, Roger Goodell and the non-Dan Snyder NFL owners are boy scouts selling cookies outside of a church). However, in the wake of such solid evidence and the current social climate, McMahon shockingly stepped away, beginning a new era for the company. One offshoot is that there would be someone new making creative decisions; that person is Paul Levesque, a legendary former wrestler known as Triple H who is also married to McMahon’s daughter, Stephanie. Part of the reason WWE and wrestling as a whole has declined in popularity over the years is such creative decisions made by McMahon, who wanted to stubbornly stick to his way of thinking and often when out of his way to not push wrestlers or angles he didn’t intend on becoming popular, even if fans were into them. Wrestlers had to strictly stick to scripted promos, which often sucked. This kind of thinking also unintentionally led to the formation of All Elite Wrestling (AEW), another company that’s created genuine competition for WWE for the first time in nearly 20 years. Many wondered if there could be a revival under Levesque’s leadership. According to fans and critics, things had been good so far, with many saying the latest Raw and Smackdown episodes were a bit of a return to form.
Thus, I actually had a few expectations of being entertained when Raw properly began with the entrance of the Judgement Day, a faction of wrestlers dressed like gothic Ravens fans who cut a promo for a later show. This promo was interrupted by Rey Mysterio, a masked wrestler looking for revenge against the Judgement Day for beating up his son the week before. Mysterio was almost successful until Rhea Ripley, the only female member of the Judgement Day and someone who definitely doesn’t have sexually-charged mentions on Twitter, got involved. Because you can’t hit a woman, Mysterio lost his advantage and subsequently got his shit kicked in.
Then the first proper match got underway – a quarterfinal bout in the tournament to crown the new WWE Women’s Tag Team champs. In an entertaining display, the team of Asuka (a colorful, kabuki Japanese wrestler who may be my favorite wrestler when everything’s over) and Alexa Bliss (a punk rock-dressed woman who definitely doesn’t have any Rule 34 material at all) defeated the team of Nikki A.S.H. (a woman dressed as a superhero) and Doudrop (a heavyset woman who took the fall). The duo – along with Raw women’s champ Bianca Belair – were then confronted by Bayley, Dakota Kai, and Iyo Sky, promoting their match at Clash at the Castle.
A couple of promos later — including one that led to a fight between Theory (a man who has a briefcase and loves taking selfies) and a guy honestly named Dolph Ziggler – and more action was underway when the team of bearded bald man Ciampa and genuine MTV reality TV star (and former Real World contestant) The Miz defeated the team of Mustafa Ali and Cedric Alexander. I did miss about 95% of the match to finally go get the shirt my director requested as well as something to eat. However, I did return in time for the finish, which saw Ali attempt a flip off the ropes, only for Ciampa to knee him in the face and then slam him. So that was pretty neat.
Then came a moment neither I nor any WWE fan in attendance expected. Drew McIntyre – a massive, long-haired, bearded Scotsman challenging WWE Universal Champ Roman Reigns at Clash of the Castle – appeared to cut a promo. This was rare because all WWE talent are assigned to appear only on either Raw or Smackdown, with McIntyre being part of the latter brand. What was even more unusual was that McIntyre’s promo was interrupted by Kevin Owens, an extremely popular former champ and heavyset “prizefighter.” The two then got into an extremely heated war of words that turned into an actual match, which for comic book fans would be like Captain America visiting the DC Universe and getting into a fight with Batman. The McIntyre-Owens match was honestly incredibly entertaining and easily the best part of the evening. The match was ruled a “no contest” after the Usos – the tag team champs and enforcers for Reigns – appeared to rough up McIntyre, only for him to fight them off (but not before Owens had left, setting up a future rematch).
After a squash match between Veer Mahan (who looks like a killer) and Beaux Keller (someone hardcore WWE fans have never heard of) and a promo in which Seth Rollins – quite possibly the most flamboyant and uniquely-dressed man I’ve ever seen – was chased out of the arena by a short shorts and flip-flop-wearing stoner named Riddle (who’s actually former UFC fighter Matt Riddle), the advertised main event took place. In another good show, U.S. Champion Bobby Lashley (a fucking mountain of a man) defeated A.J. Styles (a former WWE champ with a Karen haircut) in a match that saw some shenanigans from both the Miz and Ciampa, as well as a man in a hoodie (later identified as wrestler Dexter Lumis) jumping the barricade as some sort of crazed fan/stalker before being taken away by security. There were a couple more matches – Kai defeated 24/7 champion Dana Brooke and Theory won his earlier-set-up match against Ziggler — before the show wrapped up and I had to walk back to my hotel.
As a whole, my expectations (whatever they were) were honestly met. I was genuinely entertained throughout, even though I had no idea who most of these people were or no interest in what the outcomes were. Apparently I wasn’t alone – fans and critics called this particular Raw one of the best in recent memory and many felt the McIntyre-Owens and Lashley-Styles matches were worthy of a PPV. I may have also gotten a Peacock account so I could watch Clash at the Castle last weekend (I didn’t get to watch the following Raw because I was flying into Florida, but I did see the highlights on YouTube).
So what happens now? Am I a WWE fan (or at least a professional wrestling fan)? Will I go to another show? I still wouldn’t call myself a fan – rather, a casual observer. I’m not aligned with any particular wrestler (perhaps Asuka and a couple others aside) and definitely still don’t care about the results. But honestly I think going into the Raw event with this mindset was a good idea. It’s kind of like watching a movie or TV show you know is going to be bad – you lower your expectations, take the piss out of it, and become genuinely surprised by anything fun that happens. As such, I’d honestly say I would go to a professional wrestling event again, be it WWE or AEW. But I wouldn’t actively seek them out and travel for them, like I do to attend baseball games at MLB stadiums I’ve never visited before. It would have to be convenient or coincidental, like the D.C. event was. Still, I’m honestly glad I went to a WWE event.
I can’t believe I just wrote those words.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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