Ruben's Writings

Happy October, everyone!

It was definitely weird to have the past few weeks pass without a newsletter being published. It’s like how I feel whenever the 10 p.m. news is on and I’m not in the booth. But hopefully absence makes the heart grow fonder. It certainly made the last few weeks easier to not have to write like hell every single day to get each week’s edition out on time. It’s kind of a shame, because there have been some things that would’ve dominated conversation and jokes each week. We’ve already had multiple matchups decided by less than a point and the league’s all-time single week scoring record went by the wayside (and the 200-point barrier was broken for the first time). Still, I think I’ve had some good stuff marinating for a few weeks — it’s finally time for them to see the light of day, for better or worse.

One good thing about not doing a weekly newsletter is that I don’t have to pick a theme for every week — the amount of grasping at straws I have to do sometimes is astonishing. Fortunately, I happened to find a good theme that fits perfectly. October 6 is National Coaches Day, which was officially proclaimed by then-President Richard Nixon in 1972. Nixon was a huge football fan and cited football coaches when talking about this new holiday. So yeah, coaching totally works for a fantasy football-themed newsletter. We all think we’re smarter than actual NFL coaches, anyway.

Oh and by the way, I’ve fully decided on a newsletter schedule for the year — including this week and Week 1, there will be six total newsletters this season. I won’t tell you ahead of time which weeks they’ll be published — you’ll just have to wait and see. This schedule also may not be the same in future years. Just know I’ve created this schedule for a specific purpose and no more than four weeks will pass between newsletters. Honestly if you do the math (six newsletters a year and no fewer than four weeks in between), you can probably figure it out. But that would involve you doing math, so have fun with that.

(cue theme music)

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

COCK COMMANDERS (3-1) DEF. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (2-2)

147.98 – 140.70

TALANOA HUFANGA YOU BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH!!! But seriously how the fuck did I win that game? It’s a crime that either Cock Commanders or Already Invested $$ had to lose this past weekend. Emilio and I had already lost a game by less than half a point this season, so when we were both creeping way into the triple digits it became apparent the loser was going to be the top contender for most scorned team. Emilio’s lineup did phenomenally well, with the Broncos defense being the only spot which didn’t produce double digits. That was largely due to Josh Jacobs (29 points), who single-handedly kept me in the game in the afternoon. Rashaad Penny (27 points) allowed me to stay alive while Emilio jumped ahead thanks to Derrick Henry (20 points) and J.K. Dobbins (18 points). When Travis Kelce (15 points) did his thing, I thought I was done. But then the 49ers defense (21 points) came in clutch and landed the final punch. Sorry you had to take an L, Emilio — at least you’re still in 4th place? 

WELL DAMN (2-2) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-3)

104.12 – 102.56

London is a fun and fascinating place. Unfortunately, the Krispy Kritters think London can go fuck itself right now. That’s because the narrow margin of defeat can be blamed entirely on Richard not realizing Alvin Kamara had been ruled out and leaving him in his lineup. Normally, Richard could pick up on a late change. But because Kamara’s Saints were playing in London, he was probably asleep when the news broke. That meant great days from Jamaal Williams (22 points) and Greg Joseph (18 points) — the latter also playing in London — were wasted. Also wasted was another solid day by Lamar Jackson (16 points), though the Ravens know plenty about that. All Well Damn needed were solid outings from Tee Higgins (18 points), Christian McCaffrey (16 points), and the Giants defense (16 points) for Chriss to narrowly avoid defeat. You know what’s the funniest part about this? Alvin Kamara was in the FLEX part of Richard’s lineup. Do you know who Chriss had as his FLEX player? Drake London. LONDON! You can’t make this shit up.

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-0) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-3)

109.22 – 85.56

Remember how, in the Week 1 newsletter, I said Ewing had a sneaky good draft? Well thanks to Three Eyed Ravens for proving me right. Four weeks, four wins, and a chance to sit atop the standings. In that newsletter, I also speculated Ewing might have gotten superpowers after getting married. Well, that might be the case. It certainly isn’t Josh Allen (24 points) balling out every week or Cooper Kupp (12 points) being consistently excellent or Clyde Edwards-Helaire (21 points) benefiting from a more balanced Chiefs offense in the post-Tyreek Hill era. Maybe I should’ve invited Aly into the league instead to counteract Super Saiyan Ewing. Meanwhile, Footballdamus might’ve had a chance at pulling off the upset if they hadn’t had a bad week, Justin Jefferson (21 points) aside. D’Andre Swift was a late scratch and Riaz didn’t adjust his lineup in time. Plus, Dalton Schultz didn’t have a single catch and the Rams defense got trucked by the 49ers. Ewing — a recent San Francisco transplant himself — isn’t exactly complaining. 

DOMINION WARRIORS (4-0) DEF. TEAM TBD (2-2)

110.36 – 87.80

One good thing about the 2022 season so far is that it’s forever put to bed the ongoing joke that Dad has terrible luck. DOMINION WARRIORS are one of just two unbeaten teams in the league, despite being mediocre in scoring. Sure, Pat Mahomes (25 points) is doing Pat Mahomes things, Deebo Samuel (17 points) is a fucking beast, and Chris Olave (12 points) has been a revelation. But Dad has gotten some favorable bounces in his matchups to secure the first four wins of the season. This week, Team TBD was missing Amon-Ra St. Brown and Dak Prescott, with the latter absence forcing Kyle to do something as desperate as starting Carson Wentz in 2022. Chris Godwin was also hobbled and Rashod Bateman did jack shit. Still, these are the kinds of things that add up in fantasy football and you need these kinds of breaks to succeed sometimes. But let’s also not forget that Dad only beat me by less than half a point (not that I’m bitter about it or anyth–I WAS HALF A POINT AWAY FROM BEING 4-0 AND IN FIRST PLACE GODDAMN IT).

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (1-3) DEF. 49ERS (1-3)

127.80 – 63.48

Remember how, in the Week 1 newsletter, I wrote that Arik had the best overall draft? Well thanks to Channel 4 News Team for waiting until Week 4 (and a name change) to stop making me look like a fucking idiot. While Austin Ekeler (28 points) and Nick Chubb (18 points) played huge roles in finally getting Arik in the win column, the real hero here is garbage time — Tom Brady (25 points) and Mike Evans (22 points) got a lot of their production after their loss was secured. Although, you can take both Buccaneers out of Arik’s lineup and he still would’ve gotten the win. Getting doubled up by the team in last place for their first win of the season. This might be an all-time low for Gee. Only Russell Wilson (26 points) and D.K. Metcalf (14 points) showed up for the 49ers, which is just a weird sentence to write in general. But the vast majority of Gee’s lineup completely shat the bed. Out of all the surprises so far, Gee’s struggles might be the most shocking. The defending champ needs to start stringing some wins together before it’s too late.

HOG WILD (2-2) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-3)

108.46 – 96.16

When Nick decided to leave it up to auto-drafting to fill out the Dixie Normous lineup, little did he know that he threw his season into the hands of chaos. How else do you explain these first four weeks? A loss by less than half a point is followed by, of all things, the first 200-point game in Epic League history. Then, after getting a 40-point and 30-point burger dropped on him the week after, Nick loses to Jimmy in a bizarre result. On paper, it looks like your average result, with a comparatively low-scoring day by Jalen Hurts the reason for Nick’s defeat. But take another look at Hog Wild’s lineup. Trevor Lawrence channeled his inner Urban Meyer by putting up the number of the devil and only three of Jimmy’s players put up double digits. However, one of those players was T.J. Hockenson, who somehow threw down 31 points (his previous high this season was seven). When your TE gets more than double what your next-highest performer put up and five times more than your QB, it’s a strange time. Fortunately for Jimmy, it resulted in a victory.

STANDINGS

LEAGUE STANDINGS:

1. Three Eyed Ravens (4-0)
2. DOMINION WARRIORS (4-0)
3. Cock Commanders (3-1)
4. Already Invested $$ (2-2)
5. Team TBD (2-2)
6. Well Damn (2-2)
7. Hog Wild (2-2)
8. Dixie Normous (1-3)
9. The Krispy Kritters (1-3)
10. Channel 4 News Team (1-3)
11. Footballdamus (1-3)
12. 49ers (1-3)

PUSH FOR THE POSTER:

1. Dixie Normous (495.50)
2. Cock Commanders (473.46)
3. Three Eyed Ravens (461.28)
4. Already Invested $$ (443.48)
5. Team TBD (406.88)
6. The Krispy Kritters (405.42)
7. DOMINION WARRIORS (404.74)
8. Channel 4 News Team (399.16)
9. Well Damn (394.72)
10. Hog Wild (378.10)
11. Footballdamus (346.12)
12. 49ers (333.80)

BEST & WORST

UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE

BEST: Week 3, 2022. Remember it well, Nick, because it will go down as the greatest week in your fantasy football career. 200 points. Two hundred. 200 fucking points in a non-PPR league game. That’s unfathomable. Three players with 30+ points. A fourth with 29 points and a fifth with 26 points. Nick somehow captured the perfect week, one he’ll be telling his grandkids about.

WORST: Well this is an unexpected development. After four weeks, Gee — the defending champ and three-time consecutive Epic Bowl participant — is sitting at the bottom of the standings. Last year, we all made fun of the namesake of The Jop for going from first to worst. This year, Gee’s on the path to repeating history. Is this slow start a fluke, or a sign of things to come? We’ll see…

TRANSACTION

BEST: After Dak Prescott went down in Week 1, Kyle needed a new QB. At least for Week 2, he got one of the best options in Carson Wentz, who put up 28 points. That was more than enough for Kyle to turn a potential loss or close contest into a decisive victory. That being said, maybe it’s time to cut bait on Wentz. Ironically, at last check Cooper Rush is still available as a free agent.

WORST: When Tua Tagovailoa went off for 40 points against the Ravens, everyone checked to see who had him. No one did, but the week before his coming out party, Arik dropped him for the Titans defense. If Arik had held onto him and swapped him out for Tom Brady against the Saints, not only would that have given him another victory, but Ewing would not be undefeated right now.

LINEUP DECISION

BEST: There wasn’t a really good option here, so I’m going to shout out Rashaad Penny. I had a few good options at FLEX, especially Mack Hollins, who was coming off a major output. But I decided to roll with Penny, hoping he’d go off against the Lions. Not only was I right (he was by far the best of my options), but I needed every one of his 27 points to get the victory this week.

WORST: So, you didn’t wake up in time to see that Alvin Kamara had been ruled out. England has been kind to Richard in recent years, mostly thanks to Liverpool. But it turns out London is not as nice, especially when the time difference means you don’t adjust your lineup in time and end up losing because of it. Such are the risks with players overseas. Maybe next time, old chap!

LUCK

BEST: I was tempted to put Nick here thanks to his 200-point game (which I still can’t believe happened), but then I checked the overall scoring this season. Dad is in the bottom half of the league yet remains undefeated. Plus, his win over me came during my lowest output by far this season and his margin of victory was less than half a point. Dad has a horseshoe up his ass.

WORST: As mentioned earlier, Emilio earns this spot by virtue of his “victory” in the Bullshit Bowl against me. He’s 2-2 despite being fourth in total scoring. That’s what happens when one loss comes by one tenth of a point and the other comes despite him putting up 140 points. The good news for Emilio is that last week’s scoring outburst means he’s still sitting in a Top 4 position.

STATS OF THE MONTH

One of the best surprises of the season is how fun the Detroit Lions are to watch. Jared Goff — with the likes of D’Andre Swift and Amon-Ra St. Brown around him — is having an amazing start to the season and Detroit genuinely looks like a contender. The problem? The Lions defense is trying to emulate that of the 2020 Raiders. It’s always one step forward, two steps back with the Lions, isn’t it? We all desperately want them to win — maybe they’ll get a real defense one of these days. But they’re not the only team to lose despite scoring a lot.

I’m going to ask a somewhat controversial question — what would it take for John Harbaugh to be on the hot seat? While the Ravens have been one of the more consistent teams in the decade since their last Super Bowl win, there always seems to be a ceiling for the team: a first or second round exit or just missing out altogether. Granted, most teams would kill for that kind of success. But it’s one thing to have that kind of finish when you have a solid defense dragging Joe Flacco to the playoffs. It’s another when you have a generational talent at QB and a defense blowing multiple three-score games. Another common thread in these losses is Baltimore making an unconventional decision when it comes to scoring (kicking an extra point vs. going for two/kicking a FG vs. going for a TD). Seemingly every single one of these decisions, while technically defensible, have backfired. This latest one — not taking the chip shot FG to give your defense a late lead in favor of what turned out to be an end zone INT and a tie game — appears to be the most scrutinized so far. Harbaugh made all of these calls — when are we going to see some sort of punishment? Probably not at all, given the Ravens are extremely conservative with these kinds of moves — Harbaugh has been in charge since 2008 and is only the third coach in franchise history. But sometimes making this kind of move can be the difference in a team reaching its potential or not. Baltimore should probably cut Harbaugh loose — and then the Raiders should immediately fire Josh McDaniels and hire him.

Regardless, the Ravens (who should be 4-0) are 2-2 and facing a possibly crucial matchup with the Cincinnati Bengals this week. The Bengals, having gone from 0-2 to 2-2, should be one of the rising stories in the league. Instead, all anyone can talk about is what happened with the team they just defeated.

So… we have to get serious for a minute.

What happened with Tua Tagovailoa is unfortunate, regrettable, and unnecessary. No one believed that Tua had just a back injury after he got knocked down, got back up, and stumbled down to his knees. Yet he was allowed to stay in the game and risk further injury. Going into the game one week ago, everyone was hoping Tua would stay healthy. Sadly, it took one hit — one that looked ordinary enough — for everyone’s worst fears to come true. Now, who knows how long Tua will be out and whether or not these repeated head injuries will significantly impact his career? But while Tua’s health is certainly at the forefront (I’m not sure what would be worse, the whole “movie on the plane” story being bullshit or Tua actually being forced to watch MacGruber), how he actually is currently has taken a back seat to what his health was.

Obviously Tua was brought back too soon, whether it be because the independent doctor who cleared him was incompetent or purposely declared him okay (at the direction of the team or not). The NFL’s concussion policy needs to be severely adjusted and the health and safety of players needs to be pushed more towards the forefront. But there’s another aspect of this whole incident people are still kind of brushing over, one that was touched on by Tua’s opposing QB in that Thursday night showdown, Joe Burrow. The Bengals QB said that concussions (and other major injuries) are an inherent part of the game, something every player signs up for when they decide to seriously pursue a career in football. Burrow didn’t exactly welcome concussions and talked about the ones he’s suffered during his career. But while what he said wasn’t wrong, it isn’t something that should stay as it is.

Perhaps more than any other kind of professional athlete outside of boxers or mixed martial artists (honorary shoutout to rugby players), we marvel at pro football players, how they’re able to perform incredible feats of athleticism and strength while dealing with injuries that would cripple 99% of the population. We expect these guys to show up and give it their all (especially if they’re on our fantasy team), fighting their way through injuries like broken bones, sprained and torn muscles, and various head trauma. We then see them 20 to 30 years after retirement barely able to walk or talk and thank them for their career while lamenting the brutal nature of the game. That in itself can’t really change, no matter how many flags referees throw for defenders breathing on an offensive player. But it’s the aftermath of that brutality that needs to change. Athletes who suffer devastating injuries — especially ones to the head — need more time to recover and should be given the opportunity to properly heal. Two traditionally understood aspects of football don’t let this happen — 1. These injuries are just part of the game. 2. The NFL is a “next man up” league. This all feeds into the mindset players have growing up from peewee to professional. While coaches and staff can’t outright tell their players to play through injuries, subtext is a hell of a tool if used properly. Hell, we don’t even need to stick with head injuries — tell me you think Justin Herbert should be playing through constant rib pain just to lose to the Jaguars and narrowly beat the Texans. Hopefully one good thing that comes from this whole incident is an overall attitude change when it comes to the need to return from injury/play through it. Players need time to properly heal and prolong not just their careers, but their overall health once they hang up their cleats. At least part of that change needs to come from the players themselves, but we need to make sure they don’t feel weak for caring about themselves. Lord knows the actual NFL teams themselves don’t care about those players.

Anyway, let’s find a stat that won’t make me fucking depressed.

Task failed successfully.

Remember when the New York Jets reached back-to-back AFC title games, with Mark Sanchez being credited for four road playoff wins (over Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, and Carson Palmer)? In the years since then, we’ve seen the Tim Tebow saga, the Butt Fumble, Geno Smith get punched by a teammate, the playoffs missed with a 10-6 record, Adam Gase & Le’Veon Bell, the Sam Darnold mono meme, four seasons with four or fewer wins, and everything in between. Unless Zach Wilson proves he’s the real deal, New York’s drought is going to last, especially with Josh Allen and (hopefully a healthy) Tua in their division for years to come.

BTW since the Phillies made the playoffs, MLB’s new longest drought belongs to the Tigers and Angles (both since 2014).

Oh yeah and for the bit about the Sacramento Kings, my response is simple: you cannot kill that which is already dead. You think my fandom isn’t a soulless husk right now? This is just another excuse to drink during games… and in general, too. But to recap my favorite sports teams on this side of the pond: my NBA team has the longest active playoff drought in North American major sports, my MLB team finished last in the division and ESPN is literally interrupting games to watch our arch rival’s best player try to break a record, my MLS team is last in the Western Conference and I saw my USL team lose the biggest game in club history in person, and my two NHL teams (San Jose Sharks/Philadelphia Flyers) are among the worst in the league.

And don’t even get me started on my favorite NFL team…

MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT

Thank. Fucking. God.

If the Raiders had lost to the Broncos, the season would’ve been 100% over. The season still might be over, even if the schedule gets much easier after this weekend. But 1-3 is better than 0-4, even if it’s fucking sad that I’m resorting to “we’re not 0-4!” in order to be happy. Just know that if Denver had won this would’ve been the most profane, salty newsletter section since the Raiders dropped their final ever game in Oakland to the Jaguars.

There are too many factors and not enough data to definitely blame people for Las Vegas’ slow start to the season. But we’ve got some suspects, chief among them Josh McDaniels. On paper and (in the past) in practice, the Raiders have some of the best offensive talent in the NFL. Davante Adams has been Jesus Christ in WR form. Josh Jacobs has been playing every bit like the scorned RB looking for a payday in a contract year he is. Hunter Renfrow, despite his fumbles and injuries, is still a reliable route runner and pass catcher. How the living fuck can you not get in the end zone consistently with all of that talent? How do drives constantly stall out, especially in the second half? McDaniels was brought into Las Vegas as this supposed offensive genius, yet the Raiders turn into the fucking Bears as soon as they get inside the 20. Each of the three losses have been by single digits (and a combined 13 points) — do you think all of the times the Raiders have been forced to settle for a FG inside the ten could’ve changed that? It baffles me how bad some of the play calling has been, especially when the Raiders either try to get too cute or ignore the one facet of the offense that’s been consistent (the running game) every time. 

Now, to suggest McDaniels is the entire reason for the offensive woes would be (somewhat) erroneous. Some of the blame has to fall on Derek Carr. Going into this season, especially with the addition of Adams, everyone considered this to be the “prove it” year for Carr. This is by far the best offense he’s had since 2016 (the last time he looked consistently good). So far, the results have been disappointing. Sure, there are times where the offense moves down the field with ease (mostly when Jacobs runs a lot or Carr targets Adams). But once they get into the red zone, Carr just kind of throws these 50/50 balls or does that annoying “throw it away or into the ground” thing. Compare this to a QB like Pat Mahomes, who scrambles around and pulls TDs out of his ass so much the play is never over until the ball hits the ground or is caught. Now I’m not saying Carr has the physical tools of Mahomes, but he can certainly make plays with his legs. The fact that Carr gives up on so many plays (even now) is insane. There’s still some of that fear he’s had since breaking his leg. Some have pointed out that Carr may be taking a while to properly adjust to McDaniels’ system. But some of Carr’s mistakes have been basic shit or things that should’ve been addressed with the offseason additions. 

Some of you might’ve noticed that I didn’t include a popular name in that list of offensive weapons for the Silver and Black. That’s because he’s been largely MIA this season and really pissing me off as someone who has him on their team. Darren Waller got a hefty new contract just before the season and is seemingly okay with getting his bag and going home. I’ve never seen Waller drop so many passes or have as little of an impact on the offense as he has this season. He’s been “ironically” a black hole on the field so far. Part of his overall lack of production could be due to the reasons above. But a sizable chunk is definitely on Waller — he’s got to get his head out of his ass or out of the clouds or wherever it is and back in the game.

So let’s look at what happened against the Broncos. For the first time all season, McDaniels gave Jacobs the big spoon. Naturally, Jacobs ate Denver’s defense for lunch, putting up a monster effort. That’s no small task — that defense is good (just ask 49ers fans). There was still the annoying stall in offensive production and settling for three points instead of seven, but it (shockingly) didn’t bite the Raiders in the ass. While Carr made mistakes as usual, you have to give him credit for relying on his legs more and scrambling when needed — that was how the Raiders converted that key 3rd down in the 4th quarter. Waller even caught three whole passes! While some of this can be described as “baby steps,” they’re certainly adjustments and improvements. How much of this is McDaniels, Carr, Waller, and co. genuinely getting better and how much of it was due to Denver not being that good? Time will tell, even if we have to wait until after the Chiefs game to get a fair litmus test. The season isn’t over yet, but the Raiders’ margin for error is significantly smaller than it was four weeks ago.

Before I wrap things up, I have to give a shoutout to the one part of the Raiders that’s been bringing it so far (besides Adams, Jacobs, and the special teams). That’s the defense. For all of the mistakes they’ve made, for all of the time Chandler Jones has been more MIA than Waller, for all of the times Jonathan Abram sucks, the unit as a whole has done what a defense is supposed to do — give the offense a chance to win football games. Maxx Crosby has been virtually unblockable. Nate Hobbs and Trevon Moehrig give me hope for the secondary. Denzel Perryman has been a beast when he isn’t injured. More importantly, the defense has actually been able to make adjustments and get better as the game goes along. The one obvious exception has been the Cardinals game, but honestly what did you expect with the offense doing nothing and leaving them out to try and Kyler Murray turning into Mahomes Jr. Plus, the defense actually scored against the Broncos, breaking a three-year drought. Good luck against Kansas City.

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY

ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:

On October 6, 2003, the Indianapolis Colts pulled off one of the most incredible rallies in NFL history and helped their head coach get a measure of revenge. Tony Dungy was in his second year in charge of the sidelines in Indianapolis and hoped to make the Colts true title contenders for the first time in the Peyton Manning era. The Colts had made the playoffs the year before and added future Pro Bowlers Dallas Clark and Robert Mathis in the draft. But after a 41-0 playoff loss to the New York Jets, everyone in Indianapolis knew they had to step up. So far, things were looking good — the Colts were 4-0 and coming off a 34-point win over the New Orleans Saints. However, they were about to face their biggest test — a Monday Night Football matchup in Tampa Bay. The year before, the Buccaneers had surprisingly fired Dungy, replacing him with Jon Gruden in a trade with fuck you. Gruden then led the team many say Dungy constructed to a Super Bowl XXXVII win over shut the fuck up. Despite a loss to the Carolina Panthers in Week 2, the defending champs were 2-1 and coming off a bye week as they prepared to host the Colts.

Tampa Bay quickly jumped out to a lead in the Florida heat. First, Brad Johnson found Keenan McCardell for a 74-yard TD. Then, after Mike Doss picked off Johnson, Doss himself fumbled, with McCardell picking up the ball and running it in for a 57-yard score. Johnson would redeem himself with a TD pass to Reggie Barlow to make it 21-0, as the Buccaneers defense shut out the Colts in the first half. Manning hit Marvin Harrison for a 37-yard TD to begin the 3rd quarter, but Tampa Bay responded with a 15-yard score by McCardell — his third of the game. Although Ricky Williams (no not that one) cut into the lead with a TD run, Ronde Barber picked off Manning and returned it to the end zone to make it 35-14 with 5:09 remaining, seemingly putting the game away. But Brad Pyatt had other ideas, returning the ensuing kickoff all the way to the 12-yard line. It took until 4th down, but James Mungro ran the ball in to trim the deficit to 35-21. Idress Bashir recovered the onside kick attempt by Indianapolis and Manning went to work, taking just over a minute to find Harrison in the end zone to make it 35-28. After the Colts forced a 3-and-out, Manning drove Indianapolis to the goal line, where Williams’ second score improbably tied the game with just 35 seconds remaining. Despite getting their FG attempt blocked as time expired, Tampa Bay drove to Indianapolis’ 41-yard line. However, the Buccaneers decided to punt. The Colts took advantage, driving down the field and setting up Mike Vanderjagt for a 29-yard game-winning FG (that had its own drama both in the setup and the actual kick). The 38-35 comeback victory was the first time in NFL history a team had win a game after trailing by 21 or more points with fewer than four minutes left to play.

While the Colts (on a short schedule and perhaps emotionally drained) would fall to those pesky Panthers the following week, Indianapolis would indeed ascend to true contender status. Behind Manning’s first MVP campaign, the Colts finished tied with the Tennessee Titans atop the AFC South at 12-4, winning the tiebreaker and the No. 2 seed in the AFC. Indianapolis would reach the AFC Championship Game, where — in Manning’s first ever playoff battle with Tom Brady — they would fall to the New England Patriots, who took care of Carolina in Super Bowl XXXVIII. Meanwhile, Tampa Bay would fail to even make the playoffs, losing their final two games to finish a disappointing 7-9. The loss to the Colts seemed to send the team on a downward spiral, with guys like Warren Sapp and Keyshawn Johnson causing on- and off-field controversy. GM Rick McKay left for the Atlanta Falcons before the end of the season. The Buccaneers would make the playoffs just twice more (with no wins) under Gruden, who was fired after the 2008 season and settled into a life of TV broadcasting, never to return to coaching in the NFL again. 

On October 6, 2013, a decade after the miracle comeback in Tampa Bay, Manning would be involved in another memorable game. After spending 14 seasons in Indianapolis, Manning was in his second year with the Denver Broncos, who were looking for redemption after choking in the playoffs to the eventual Super Bowl XLVII champion Baltimore Ravens. So far, Denver had been accomplishing their goal, jumping out to a 4-0 start and scoring no fewer than 37 points in each game. Their next opponent would be the Dallas Cowboys, who were somehow mired in more mediocrity than they currently are. Dallas had finished 8-8 the previous two seasons and missed the playoffs three straight times. Though they won each of their first two home games, the Cowboys were just 2-2 and coming off a loss to the San Diego Chargers when they welcomed the Broncos into town. Though many expected Dallas to just lay down to Denver, the Cowboys would shockingly keep up with the Broncos’ vaunted offense — and then some.

In fact, it would be Dallas who jumped out to a 14-0 lead early thanks to a pass from Tony Romo to Dez Bryant and (after an Eric Decker fumble) a run from DeMarco Murray. But then Denver woke up, with Decker making up for his turnover and Manning hitting Julius Thomas to cap an 80-yard TD drive in only 50 seconds. After a FG by the Cowboys, it was Decker who caught a TD pass to trim the lead even further. On Dallas’ ensuing drive, it was Bryant’s turn to fumble, leading to another TD pass to Thomas and a 21-17 Broncos lead. Denver’s defense then forced a punt (which would end up being the only one of the game), which led to another TD drive, one that ended in arguably the greatest bootleg of all time. Dallas managed a FG as time expired to make it 28-20 going into halftime. Denver began the 3rd quarter with yet another TD, this one a pass from Manning to Wes Welker. It took just two plays for the Cowboys to respond, with Romo hitting Terrance Williams for an 82-yard scoring strike. Dallas then forced Denver to settle for a FG and Romo hit Bryant to cut the lead to 38-33, but the two-point conversion attempt failed. But then the Cowboys defense picked off Manning, allowing Romo to hit Jason Witten for the TD (and Williams for the two-pointer) to give Dallas a 41-38 lead. The Broncos would respond with a FG, but Romo drove the Cowboys downfield and hit Cole Beasley in the end zone to go up 48-41. Denver would tie the game with a Knowshon Moreno run, setting Romo up for possible late game heroics. Instead, Danny Trevathan picked off Romo deep in Cowboys territory. The Broncos would run out the clock and kick a FG as time expired to win 51-48 — a contest that remains tied for the sixth-highest scoring game in NFL history.

That outpouring of offense would be the summary of Denver’s season, one which saw them finish 13-3, earn the No. 1 seed in the AFC, and set numerous scoring records for a 16-game season. While Manning would get the better of Brady in that season’s AFC title game, things would not fare better in Super Bowl XLVIII, which saw the Broncos be annihilated by the Seattle Seahawks. A great defense would prove to be superior to a great offense, something Denver would reap the benefit of just two years later when the Broncos’ defense carried Manning’s corpse to a Super Bowl L win in his final season. Meantime, despite keeping his team in the game against a superior opponent and putting up better stats than Manning, Romo would get eviscerated by everyone for throwing that late game INT. Things wouldn’t improve on the field either, as the Cowboys finished 8-8 for a third straight season, missing the playoffs yet again. Dallas would rebound the following season and not only make the playoffs, but actually win a game. However, the controversy from that victory would be reversed in the following round, which saw the Cowboys fall to the Green Bay Packers. If you didn’t catch it, it’s okay — Bryant didn’t, either.

OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:

— 1986: Steve Largent breaks the NFL record with his 128th consecutive game with a reception, a streak that would end at 189 (Jerry Rice currently owns the record with 294 games)

— 1985: Joe Montana throws five TDs (including the first of Rice’s career) and Roger Craig tallies a career-high 167 receiving yards as the San Francisco 49ers trounce the Atlanta Falcons 38-1– — 1983: New York Jets owner Leon Hess confirms that the team will leave Shea Stadium after that year and begin play at Giants stadium in the Meadowlands the following season.

THREE STADIUMS, TWO CITIES, AND A LOT OF SWEAT

A month after it was first teased in the opening newsletter, we’ve finally reached my much-anticipated review of a certain sports venue in Miami.

loanDepot Park:

If you manage to make it past the humidity, through the gate, and up the ramps, you’ll find a surprisingly nice place to catch a ball game, albeit one that’s a bit cavernous. Spectacular food options including Cuban sandwiches, Argentinian cuisine, ceviche, and even sushi. It’s like a good nightclub — tough to get into, but a fun (albeit likely expensive) time once you’re inside.

That’s 18/30 MLB Ballparks taken care of — I’m 60% of the way there! Hoping to get to at least 20 if not 21 next year. Definitely looking at Chase Field (it’s the closest remaining and the Red Sox are going to Arizona for a weekend), Coors Field (also close and I’m planning something), and maybe Minute Maid Park (so I can close out the AL West as well). Oddly, not only was my first finished division the AL East, but I have yet to attend a game at an NL Central venue. So far, My Top 5 (in order from top down) is Fenway Park, Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Petco Park, Oracle Park, and T-Mobile Park (Citi Field just barely misses out). 

Now, loanDepot Park and Tropicana Field weren’t the only sporting venues I went to while in Florida. Of course, I crossed off my fourth MLS venue in Exploria Stadium (liked the venue, hated the outcome). But I also got some football action down there. In fact, before I went to the venue you think I’m talking about, I unexpectedly decided to take a tour of Raymond James Stadium (mostly thanks to Kyle, who along with girlfriend and aunts went with me).

It was at the home of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers that I learned a few things. It was during the tour when I first discovered just how fucking hot and humid Florida can be. Everyone was sweating our asses off on this tour — it’s the only one I’ve been on where we got several water breaks. So picture my doing everything I describe for the rest of this segment while drenched in sweat. I also learned the yankees’ Spring Training field is literally right next to Raymond James Stadium. Couple that with the fact that there’s another Jesuit High School a block away (and factor in the heat) and I’m pretty sure this place is literally Hell. In addition, this guy on our tour started clapping when the tour guide spoke about the yankees’ stadium, because he’s a fan of that baseball team. This same man also talked shit to the tour guide because his Dallas Cowboys were opening the season against the Buccaneers, and was wearing a Chicago Blackhawks shirt. I’m 99% sure he’s also a lakers or Warriors fan. So fuck that bandwagoning asshole.

As for the actual tour, it was tough to concentrate on anything besides the heat. But what I do remember was pretty cool. We not only got to go on the field, but also on the pirate ship in the northern part of the stadium. We also got to go into the place where they keep fans who get too crazy, multiple suites, and even the main bar on the club level. Fun fact: if the Buccaneers plan an early game, they keep the bar open for the entire stretch of late games afterwards. One place we did not get to go inside was the Buccaneers’ locker room. We did go inside the visitor’s locker room, as well as the USF home locker room (the Bulls share the stadium with Tampa Bay). Both were honestly kinda shitty, with the only difference being that USF’s was painted green. Of course, we ended at the team store, which was massive. About 1/4 of everything for sale was related to Tom Brady, including an entire section devoted to just him (there were shirts and hats with nothing else but the name “Brady” printed on them). 

Now while I had a good time, I can’t quite give Raymond James Stadium a proper review without actually watching a game there. Using that metric, I have only been to three current NFL stadiums, as well as the Coliseum. However, I have taken a tour of Raymond James and have watched multiple games at Lumen Field (for the Seattle Sounders, not the Seahawks). Can I count those stadiums as well? What about FirstEnergy Stadium, M&T Bank Stadium, and Lincoln Financial Field? I have literally encircled and physically touched those three stadiums. I have technically been to more than 1/4 of all NFL venues. Do I have to catch an NFL game at each one in order for it to truly count? Let me know what you guys think. Also, are NFL stadiums my next conquest once I wrap up MLB ballparks?

Also, I did not miscount when I said I’ve caught a game at three current NFL stadiums. I’ve been to Levi’s Stadium, Allegiant Stadium, and now Hard Rock Stadium.

First off — unless you arrive several hours early, you’re going to have to either sit in god awful traffic or walk half an hour past things like a 24 Hour Fitness and Walmart in order to get to Hard Rock Stadium. Keep in mind the aforementioned heat and humidity and you can imagine how much I’m not kidding when I say I was literally drenched in sweat by the time I walked inside the stadium. Although there was a nice breeze once I arrived, it did little to stop the heat, meaning I had to go straight to the team store and buy a towel to wipe the sweat off me. What the stadium did do a good job of was blocking the sun, with an intended exception of the visiting sideline. Because of the heat, I didn’t want to explore that much — I also left early in the 4th quarter in order to make getting an Uber easier and catch my flight home. That being said, what I got to see of the stadium was pretty nice, especially the architecture and overall aesthetic vibe of the place. Food options were fairly basic (although I know for a fact there’s a Benihana in the stadium) but every order was basically contactless. You could even pre-order food from your seat and pick it up whenever it’s ready.

As for the actual seats, I was pretty high up in the Northwestern end zone. Maybe it was because it was the home opener or because the opponent was a division rival, but Hard Rock Stadium was packed, even in my section. Dolphins fans surprised me with just how loud they got at certain points in the game, especially the end zone INT, defensive TD, and TD right before halftime. There were also a decent amount of Patriots fans, who were loud at the start but got quieter as the game went on and their team kept losing. It was also slightly alarming as someone with Tyreek Hill on my fantasy team to see Tua Tagovailoa fuck up a throw to Hill that would’ve been a 75-yard TD. Fortunately for me (unfortunately for Ewing), it looks like Tua and Hill have worked on their chemistry. Overall, between what happened during the game and the non-sweating experience, I have to say I had a good time! Apparently Hard Rock Stadium got some renovations in recent years. Those have gone a long way to improving the experience. If y’all ever get down to Miami, try to make a Dolphins game (I’m not just saying that to get further in Emilio’s good graces). Just prepare to sweat a lot.

RUBEN’S RANKINGS

TOP 10 NFL TEAM FIGHT SONGS

While at Hard Rock Stadium, I learned the Dolphins have an old school fight song which plays every time they score. I’m used to some random hype music or noises/chanting playing whenever a team scores, so I was a bit caught off guard. But turns out that song is actually catchy and enjoyable. This got me to look up fight songs for various NFL teams — some of those are actual bangers. I didn’t even know many of these songs existed before doing my research. Naturally, I had to compile a playlist for you — in the form of a Top 10 list, of course.

Now, there’s a difference between a fight song and a song that teams just use for celebration. Fight songs have to actually be written about the team, not just used by the team but written by an artist just for their own purposes. Given how old most teams are, these songs are also going to be kind of old school, which is way more of a good thing than a bad one. This list also doesn’t include any of the recent songs written about various teams during that one NFL campaign (like “Raider Nation” by Ice Cube) or written in general like “Black and Yellow” (or “Green and Yellow”). These have to be established and engrained within the team’s history for decades. Also, somewhat controversially, I’m not going to include “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” While definitely a banger and one of the best football-related songs ever, it’s technically about just one version of the Chicago Bears — not the franchise as a whole. The same goes with “Let’s Ram It,” although perhaps the less said about that one, the better.

HONORABLE MENTION: “HERE WE GO“

Created in 1994 by Roger Wood, “Here We Go” has been a fixture at Steelers games ever since. However, the original lyrics referenced that particular era of Pittsburgh football. What saves the song for this list is the fact that it’s been updated multiple times since then. Still, the need for change every once in a while and the fact that it’s kind of long keeps it away from the main list.

HONORABLE MENTION: “GRIDIRON HEROES“

For whatever reason — probably because the Lions don’t win a lot and thus it’s not played often — I had never heard of this song until doing my research for this list. It’s pretty underrated and more people should know about it. That being said, even though Detroit has someone in the stadium to sing “Gridiron Heroes” at every game, videos of the song are scarce. Hopefully it’s not for long.

HONORABLE MENTION: “SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS“

While it’s a bit different from the more traditional fight songs, “San Diego Super Chargers” has a funky disco beat which echoes its 1979 origins. Unfortunately, because the Chargers are now in Los Angeles (not San Diego), Captain QB & the Big Boys’ creation cannot make the main list. However, it’s so unique and sounds so good I had to give it a shout anyway. Speaking of…

10. “SHOUT“

Before you recall that scene from Animal House and claim that the Bills stole the famous Isley Brothers song from 1959, know that this version of “Shout” is technically different from the original. In 1987, Buffalo got Scott Kemper to record a Bills-themed version, complete with altered lyrics. It’s been the team’s fight song ever since, with it being played in bars across Buffalo and at home games to get the crowd pumped up. Oddly, because of a dispute over royalties due to a Polaroid ad campaign, the Bills briefly stopped using it in 1993, opting for another song instead. 

9. “WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN“

Sticking with spoofs of actual songs, “When the Saints Go Marching In” has been around for over 100 years, though it truly came into fame thanks to Louis Armstrong’s 1938 recording. Being so perfect for the football team, Aaron Neville, Steve Monistere, Carlo Nuccio, and a group of actual Saints players recorded their own version in 1983, complete with New Orleans’ famous “Who Dat?” chant woven in. Normally I won’t put a rip-off so high (previous entry aside), but this song is fucking class and fits the Saints so perfectly that I’ll let it slide. Originals from here on out though.

8. “HEY HEY TAMPA BAY“

After being a doormat for their first three seasons, the Buccaneers suddenly reached the NFL title game in 1979. Fortunately, they had a song to go with their rise in popularity. Created by Jeff Arthur that same year, “Hey Hey Tampa Bay” hit the airwaves all over Florida. While it sounds like a fight song, it has that same kind of disco feel mentioned earlier to set itself apart. Back then, the Buccaneers were playing in Tampa Stadium. Though it’s since been demolished, a field north of Raymond James Stadium marks where it used to stand — I saw it during my tour in Tampa Bay.

7. “SKOL, VIKINGS“

Now we’re getting into the classic, tried and true, legendary fight songs. What better way to begin than with “Skol, Vikings” — created by James McLeod in 1961. That was when the Vikings first began their time in the NFL and the “Skol” chant has been part of Minnesota culture ever since. While the song itself is short, sweet, and catchy, the word “Skol” is basically the word for “cheers” or “good health” in Danish/Swedish/Norwegian. It’s mainly used as a salute or toast. The Vikings also have a “Skol chant,” which is basically a rip off of the Iceland national soccer team’s chant. 

6. “GO! YOU PACKERS GO!“

Also called “Go! Pack Go!,” “Go! You Packers Go” has been Green Bay’s fight song since 1931 and might be the oldest fight song in the NFL. Written by Eric Karll and first performed by the Lumberjack Band, the song had a nice, classic beat and a surprising amount of lyrics (about twice that of typical fight songs). However, I was unable to find an example of people singing along with the original beat, so you can look those videos up if you want to hear the lyrics. Regardless, the main part of the song is the ending, when Packers fans shout “Go Pack Go!”

5. “HAIL TO THE [REDACTED]“

Washington has undergone plenty of changes recently, fight song included. While the original song, “Hail to the Redskins,” had been one of the most popular fight songs in the NFL since it was made in 1937 by Barnee Breeskin and Corinne Griffith (wife of franchise founder George Preston Marshall). However, that last word of the song title caused controversy for years, with Washington becoming the Commanders. As such, a new fight song, “Hail to the Commanders,” has been made. While different, the lyrics are largely the same and the beat is still catchy.

4. “FLY EAGLES FLY“

While “Fly Eagles Fly” is thought of as a certified classic today, it almost disappeared entirely. The creation of Charles Borrelli and Roger Courtland in the late 1950’s, the Eagles themselves didn’t start playing it until the 1960’s, with it largely going away until 1997. That’s when Bobby Mansure and his Eagles pep band asked the team to play in the parking lot during games. The song went over so well, the team tweaked the lyrics a bit and brought it back as its fight song for the 1999 season. This song is now a part of Philadelphia culture and blared by Eagles fans everywhere.

3. “MIAMI DOLPHINS FIGHT SONG“

Though it has perhaps the dullest official name, “Miami Dolphins Fight Song” is incredibly catchy and classic in the best kind of ways. Created in 1972 (which according to Dolphins fans is the greatest year ever) by Lee Ofman as “Miami Dolphins No. 1,” the song has a corny little banjo tune throughout. Apparently, once the song got popular, Ofman called a Miami radio station to let them know he was the songwriter. They laughed at him. Angered, Ofman wrote another version of the song for the Houston Oilers, with that fight song becoming a big hit in the 1970-80’s.

2. “BEAR DOWN, CHICAGO BEARS“

In case you wondered why Bears fans say “Bear Down,” “Bear Down, Chicago Bears,” has been the team’s fight song since 1941. The year before, Chicago famously destroyed the Washington Redskins 73-0 (the largest margin of victory in NFL history) to win the NFL title. Inspired by the performance, Al Hoffman (under the pseudonym Jerry Downs) wrote the song, which gets major props for managing to fit “T formation” so naturally in its lyrics. A new version of the song was recorded in 1993 by Bill Archer and the Big Bear Band — that’s the one played at Bears games.

1. “THE AUTUMN WIND“

In 1974, former NFL Films President and co-founder Steve Sabol wrote “The Autumn Wind,” based on Mary Jane Carr’s “Pirate Wind.” When Al Davis heard it for the first time — narrated by John Facenda and backed by the famous theme — he told Sabol it “epitomized everything that the Raiders stood for.” From Oakland to Las Vegas, it’s been the battle hymn of Raider Nation ever since. I don’t care if you think I’m biased or that “The Autumn Wind” doesn’t count as a fight song — it’s one of the greatest pieces of NFL media ever made and the anthem of the Raiders.

THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS

THREE EYED RAVENS (4-0) VS. COCK COMMANDERS (3-1)

We were half a point away from this being a matchup of No. 1 vs. No. 2 (both unbeaten). Still, No. 1 vs. No. 3 is pretty good, especially given it’s me vs. Ewing. Also, Cock Commanders’ Joe Burrow and Three Eyed Ravens’ Ravens defense are facing each other. Players on our fathers’ favorite teams (Josh Allen & the 49ers defense) will play big roles, with the Raiders-Chiefs showdown on Monday possibly deciding things. Ewing’s been unbeatable since he got married. But lest Ewing forget, I officiated his wedding. Hopefully this means I’m immune to his powers.

DOMINION WARRIORS (4-0) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (1-3)

If you’re waiting for the week DOMINION WARRIORS falls from the ranks of the unbeaten, it’s probably not going to be this one, unless Dixie Normous feels like dropping another 200 points. Dad has Pat Mahomes, Deebo Samuel, Chris Olave, Rhamondre Stevenson, and the Bills defense in highly favorable matchups. The one possible weakness may be Najee Harris against Buffalo, but it’s not a big one. Jalen Hurts, Stefon Diggs, Aaron Jones, Jalen Waddle, and the Buccaneers defense will have to do plenty of work for Nick to have any kind of upset chances.

TEAM TBD (2-2) VS. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (2-2)

Here’s an unusual stat — through four weeks, there are only three teams in our league with winning records. The two teams leading the .500 or worse pack should arguably be in the next tier up. Those are both Team TBD and Already Invested $$. I’ve mentioned Emilio’s bad luck already, but Kyle’s had a good squad hampered by injury. Playing through pain will be crucial for Emilio, whose connection of Justin Herbert and Mike Williams could play a huge role here. Kyle is relying on at least one person from every NFC East team, which is an interesting strategy.

WELL DAMN (2-2) VS. 49ERS (1-3)

The 49ers are in last place — savor the flavor because it may not happen again (though we all desperately hope it does). Well Damn can help keep that bad start rolling with a victory this week. Unfortunately for Chriss, three of his key contributors — Derek Carr, Christian McCaffrey, and the Giants defense — are not in good matchups. This isn’t to say Gee isn’t facing any adversity. Jonathan Taylor is out and Russell Wilson and Melvin Gordon are going into tonight’s game with issues. Wilson is slightly hurt (and sucks), while Gordon has an extreme case of butterfingers.

HOG WILD (2-2) VS. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (1-3)

I think there’s a curse involving Lamar Jackson — whatever team he’s on, they (like the Ravens) will struggle despite his brilliance. Such is the case with the Krispy Kritters, who might need another awesome performance to avoid another loss. Either that, or Richard needs to remember to check Alvin Kamara’s status before kickoff. As for Hog Wild, they’ve pulled a complete 180 over the past two weeks, seemingly getting their shit together. If Trevor Lawrence can actually hold onto the ball (and Davante Adams keeps being amazing), Jimmy’s streak can continue.

FOOTBALLDAMUS (1-3) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (1-3)

While Footballdamus and Channel 4 News Team have many similarities — disappointing QBs (Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers), amazing WRs (Justin Jefferson and Mike Evans), and nice yet often injured RBs (Nick Chubb, Austin Ekeler, D’Andre Swift) — they’ve gotten to their 1-3 starts in different ways. Riaz came out swinging in Week 1, but has since been barely able to throw a punch. Arik looked awful for three weeks, but then was amazing last week. Both hope to be 2-3, but each face their own obstacles to get there. You can never have too many early season wins.

ONE LAST THING

Warning: this may be the dumbest segment in newsletter history.

In honor of National Coaches Day, I’m going to revisit a segment I did in a previous newsletter, one which answered a question we’ve all asked at some point. Which NFL head coach would win in a fight? Say something happened like the all-Jim confrontation between Harbaugh and Schwartz a few years ago, or like the Antonio Conte-Thomas Tuchel chaos after Tottenham-

Chelsea in August. Which NFL head coach, inserted in such a scenario, would always come out on top against his peers? Back then I believed Mike Vrabel, being a former longtime NFL LB not too far from his playing days, would come out on top. But I always wanted to do more with this idea, especially given some new coaches who could give Vrabel a run for his money. However, I’m not going to simply limit this to just a fight. Instead, I’m going bigger, more complicated, and infinitely dumber than before.

If all 32 NFL head coaches competed in the Hunger Games, who would win?

Apparently I’m far from the only one who’s wanted to do a Hunger Games “what if?”. This fan-created site allows for simulations of not just the Hunger Games, but other competitions both real and fictional. It also allows me to expand the usual Hunger Games format from 24 participants to 36, so I don’t have to cut any coaches from the competition. However, that leaves another issue — there are only 32 coaches, leaving four extra spots. So I sought other football leagues — current and former — and held their own Hunger Games competitions. Without getting into detail, the winners of the four wild card berths are Jeff Fisher (USFL), Mike Singletary (AAF), Rod Woodson (XFL), and Jim Tomsula (ELF). I thought about making the CFL winner one of my four wild cards, but quite frankly I had never heard of any of the CFL head coaches before, so I didn’t care.

After separating the 36 coaches into 12 districts, ranked from top to bottom based on Super Bowl wins, Super Bowl appearances, playoff wins, playoff appearances, and career wins, we have the final roster going into the NFL Head Coach Hunger Games.

May the odds be ever in your favor!

Right off the bat, we have violence. Kevin Stefanski finds Mike Singletary hiding in the Cornucopia and kills him, Ron Rivera snaps his other ’85 Bears teammate Jeff Fisher’s neck, and Nathaniel Hackett sets off an explosion, killing Rod Woodson. John Harbaugh gets some bad blood off his chest by severely slicing Bill Belichick with a sword. Todd Bowles also stabs Dennis Allen while his back is turned. In a rather bizarre move, Arthur Smith and Matt LaFleur threaten a double suicide. Despite it failing, both of them die anyway. Mike Vrabel shoots a poisonous blow dart into Frank Reich’s neck, slowly killing him. On the non-violent side, Brandon Staley, Kliff Kingsbury, and Zac Taylor form an alliance to get as many supplies as possible, while Kevin O’Connell gathers as much food as he can. Doug Pederson escapes with some throwing knives, Josh McDaniels finds a bag full of explosives, Matt Rhule grabs a shovel, and Lovie Smith takes a sickle. As the other coaches run away, Sean McVay takes a gamble and stays at the Cornucopia for resources. However, that presumed safety is compromised when — while McVay is resting — Vrabel sneaks up and kills him.

Away from the Cornucopia, alliances begin to form. Hackett and Andy Reid put their AFC West differences aside, while Sean McDermott and Jim Tomsula (the final wild card remaining) join forces. Both teams decide to split up and search for resources. Meanwhile, Taylor and Kingsbury betray Taylor, joining with Rhule and Kyle Shanahan to raid Taylor’s camp while he’s out hunting. However, McDaniels, Rivera, Nick Sirianni, and Robert Saleh gang up to hunt for other tributes. All of this is too much for Mike Tomlin, who commits suicide. Meanwhile, perhaps in disbelief from his actions against Belichick, Harbaugh decides to pick some flowers. Sponsors then start to get involved, with Matt Eberflus receiving fresh food and Brian Daboll getting a hatchet. Kevin Stefanski, Dan Campbell, and Kevin O’Connell explore the arena, with Campbell finding a river and O’Connell making it to higher ground. As for the other individuals, Smith tries to spear fish with a trident, Mike McDaniel searches for firewood, Todd Bowles builds a shack, Mike McCarthy makes a wooden spear, Pete Carroll practices his archery, and Pederson simply tries to sleep through the day.

Suddenly, a volcano erupts at the center of the arena, causing immense destruction. Smith and McDermott push O’Connell and Bowles, respectively, into the lava. Campbell, Reid, McDaniel, and Tomsula try similar tactics, but get pulled into the lava by Taylor, Shanahan, Saleh, and Vrabel, respectively, as well. The flower-picking Harbaugh is buried in ash, while McDaniels suffocates before he can get away (McDaniels? Choking? Get the fuck out…). The rest manage to flee to safety. As the survivors take stock of what happened, the cannon sounds a whopping 22 times to mark the deaths of their competitors, including Belichick and Reich, who succumbed to their injuries.

In the night after the eruption, new alliances form and the events of the day weigh heavily on the minds of the 14 coaches still alive. Pederson, Rhule, and Staley talk strategy, including what might happen the next day. As McCarthy gazes up at the night sky, Eberflus falls asleep, while Smith and Kingsbury decide to sleep in shifts. But all is not well elsewhere. Stefanski loses sight of where he is, Rivera questions his sanity, while Hackett screams for help. Carroll, meanwhile, attempts to start a fire, but is unsuccessful. None of this manages to phase the trio of Daboll, McDermott, and Sirianni, who cheerfully sing songs together. 

As Day 2 begins, the events of Day 1 are too much for Carroll and Pederson to bear and they ask Hackett and Kingsbury, respectively, to kill them. However, both requests are refused. As McDermott explores the arena and Daboll builds a shack, Rhule receives a hatchet from an unknown sponsor. However, the overall goal of the Hunger Games comes back to the forefront. Stefanski goes after Rivera, but in a strange display of NFC East unity, McCarthy protects Rivera and kills Stefanski. Eberflus chases after Sirianni, who escapes but sprains his ankle in the process. Meanwhile, Smith begins to stalk Staley. But Staley manages to survive long enough to find McCarthy, who lets him into his shelter for the night. Smith then goes to sleep as Kingsbury receives an explosive from an unknown sponsor. The toll of the games has become apparent — both Eberflus and Carroll suffer infections, which they try to treat. Rivera screams out for help, Rhule tries to sing himself to sleep, while Pederson cries himself to sleep. Then, it turns out the previous night’s singing by Daboll, Sirianni, and McDermott was just a cover for their deteriorating mental state. The trio, along with Hackett, form a successful suicide pact, leaving just nine coaches alive after Night 2.

The coaches wake up to find the Cornucopia replenished with food, weapons, and supplies, along with memoirs from their families. Staley and Rhule don’t take the bait, deciding to stay where they are. But they do come into contact, with Staley diverting Rhule’s attention to escape. Eberflus decides to go to the Cornucopia, targeting Carroll by stealing his memoirs. Carroll, meanwhile, goes to pick berries but is pricked by thorns. Before traveling to higher ground, Rivera sets a trap, which kills Kingsbury. Smith, angry over not being able to take down Staley the day before, gets into a knife fight with McCarthy, throwing him off a cliff. Perhaps weakened from the battle, Smith is unable to win his next fight, with Eberflus severely injuring him and leaving him to die. Pederson also joins the list of the dead, bleeding out from a previous injury. 

As night falls, Rivera, Carroll, and Rhule get into a fight. Somehow, Carroll triumphantly kills them both, leaving him, Staley, and Eberflus as the final three. However, Staley puts out his fire after he finishes his meal. While smart in the sense that the other two can’t spot him, the lack of heat proves to be Staley’s downfall, as he dies from hypothermia. As the last two coaches remaining, Eberflus and Carroll have one last, climactic bout. Eberflus gets the better of Carroll, leaving him to die. As Carroll laments coming a yard away from glory yet falling short (again), he takes his last breath and Eberflus is declared the winner of the first ever NFL Head Coach Hunger Games.

Eberflus finishes as one of five coaches with two kills. However, he not only impressively waited until the end of the competition to attack, but his two kills were two of the other head coaches (Carroll and Lovie Smith) who also recorded two kills. Rivera and Vrabel (one of the early favorites along with Campbell) round out the “two kill” list, while McCarthy, Hackett, McDermott, Stefanski, Harbaugh, and Bowles also have blood on their hands. Perhaps fueled by anger from other coaches over his success, Belichick was the first NFL coach and second coach overall (after only Singletary) killed. The wild cards didn’t do too well, with Singletary, Fisher, and Woodson being three of the first four dead. Surprisingly, Tomsula was the last wild card standing, lasting all the way until the volcano eruption. That eruption was by far the most chaotic event of the Hunger Games, single-handedly leading to one third of the entire competition being killed. The other major events include the four-way suicide pact between Daboll, McDermott, Sirianni, and Hacket and the three-way fight between Carroll, Rivera, and Rhule during the final night. While it’s unclear whether Pederson’s fatal injury came during battle or elsewhere, Harbaugh (volcano), Staley (hypothermia), Tomlin (suicide), and McDaniels (volcano) were the only coaches not to be killed by the competition, with the latter two not killing anyone else. Tomlin was the only suicide while McDaniels was the only one to not kill or be killed by a fellow coach.

What does it mean that a rookie coach won the whole thing? Absolutely nothing. But perhaps Eberflus can take something away from this experiment. Imagine everything he went through during these Hunger Games — the death, fighting, natural disaster, mental anguish, and overall trauma. That’s basically what Justin Fields goes through every game behind the Bears’ offensive line. Eberflus needs to talk to Ryan Poles and get Fields some help before he, too, dies.

BTW if you guys want, I think if you click here you can try the simulation yourself. You may have to play through it once (I think it defaults to the one above) before you get a unique path. Or if it doesn’t work just make your own, you freeloaders.

Now here’s the point where I thought I was done. What happened above was the result of my first and therefore genuine simulation. I wasn’t trying to come up with a funny result or particular outcome (why the fuck would I have Matt Eberflus of all people win if that were the case?). That being said, I did a couple more simulations just for fun. Both ended up lasting a lot longer than the first and honestly would’ve made for less compelling writing. In case you’re wondering, Eberflus nearly won the second simulation, finishing runner-up to Mike Tomlin after asking him to kill him. In the third simulation, Jim Tomsula did some mafia boss shit by (twice) forcing a coach to pick one of two other coaches to kill before winning the whole thing himself. But again, those were just for fun and I believed myself to be done with the NFL Head Coach Hunger Games.

Then the Raiders lost to the Cardinals in Week 2 and I was utterly beside myself. As I did above, I vented about McDaniels’ shitty coaching decisions and how the season was already in jeopardy. Before I went to bed, I decided to boot up the simulator one more time. I didn’t care who won — I just wanted to see the new, creative way McDaniels would (fictionally) bite the dust. I wanted blood. I wanted death.

Guess what happened. 

… are you fucking kidding me? The ONE time I’m actively rooting for McDaniels’ downfall, he actually wins the goddamn thing? He not only survives a massive fire (similar to the event which killed him in the first simulation), but also teams up with Sean McDermott to kill Tomsula and Kyle Shanahan, gangs up with a group to murder Bill Belichick, drowns Andy Reid while hallucinating he’s a shark, and climactically strangles Sean McVay? All while Dennis Allen (a former Raiders coach himself) steps on a landmine to give him the win? 

If only you’d shown that much fight during the second half of Raiders games, McDaniels! Maybe then I wouldn’t be convinced God hates the Raiders, or at least this Raiders fan in particular.

Ruben Dominguez

Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness

2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness