This football season has been fantastic so far. There have been some incredible games that will go down as instant classics (like Vikings-Bills), young and exciting players like Justin Fields, Tua Tagovailoa, and Jalen Hurts are making the leap, and there’s plenty of change across most of the non-AFC West divisions. There’s also plenty more to come — in the next month alone, the Vikings and Cowboys will collide, Mexico City will get a game, Deshaun Watson’s suspension will end, both Mike McDaniel and Tom Brady will return to San Francisco in back-to-back weeks, and we’ll get an AFC title game rematch.
The thing is, for the next month, I’m not going to give a single fuck about football. I’ll be far too busy watching… football.
IT’S WORLD CUP TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
The Super Bowl may be the biggest sporting event each year, but the World Cup is the biggest sporting event in the fucking world. The four-year drought comes to an end on Sunday, as the 2022 edition of the tournament begins. As a soccer fan, there is no bigger time than the month when 32 countries gather in one place to determine the best team in the world. It’s like the first few rounds of the NCAA Tournament on steroids. It’s not just good shit — it’s the best shit, especially since the United States didn’t fuck up this time and actually qualified!
Now, given that the tournament is every four years and I’ve been doing this newsletter for longer than that, some of you eagle-eyed people may be wondering why I haven’t done a World Cup-themed newsletter before. Traditionally (AKA every previous edition), the World Cup has taken place in the summer — usually from June-July — that’s when the world’s biggest domestic soccer leagues are in the off-season. However, this year’s tournament is taking place in Qatar, a place where summertime makes California seem like Buffalo (the average daily high is 108 degrees F). So to ensure that the players don’t literally die on the field, the World Cup is taking place for the first time during the winter, where the average high is a much more bearable 86 degrees F. But this change has pissed off teams and officials from those big domestic leagues, which are being forced to take more than a month off because so many of the better players are off in the World Cup. That’s not the only reason people are upset about Qatar hosting the tournament.
While I’m all about growing the game of soccer and giving non-traditional countries a chance at putting on big events, in a just world Qatar would never sniff the chance at hosting the World Cup. Apart from being the smallest country to host the tournament, Qatar’s soccer team has never actually qualified for a single World Cup (this will be their first time, as hosts automatically get a spot). So why did a tiny country that’s never even made the big show and has such a harsh climate that being host would fuck up the world’s soccer schedule actually get chosen? To put it short, there have since been multiple allegations and investigations into Qatar’s bid that they bribed FIFA officials, several of which have resigned. But asking FIFA to clean up their habits is like asking NFL officials to be held accountable for bad calls, so Qatar got to keep the World Cup. In addition, most if not all of the stadiums that were part of Qatar’s bid had yet to be built, so officials hired a shitload of foreign workers to do so. But these “workers” were basically slaves, with the harsh labor conditions and lack of food and water leading to thousands of them dying during the construction process, effectively turning the World Cup into a blood sport. Then there’s the whole fact that homosexuality is illegal in Qatar, causing gay fans to either not go or face potential arrest if they’re caught doing same-sex things in public. Then there’s the fact that drunkenness and alcohol (two things deeply entrenched in soccer fandom) are heavily frowned upon in Qatar. Altogether, for basically everyone involved, this will be a weird tournament at best and the most glaring example of “sportswashing” at worst. Sadly, all of this has cast a shadow over what’s supposed to be the happiest time to be a soccer fan.
As a result of all of this, many people are rightfully calling for a boycott for the World Cup. I have absolutely no problem with this and quite frankly kind of wish I had the resolve to do so myself. As I mentioned during my Deshaun Watson section of the first newsletter of the season, there’s a much larger dark side to sports than we’d like to acknowledge. At some point, there will be a moment that makes us say “fuck this” and abandon fandom of a player or sport (many are going through this with the likes of Watson and Kyrie Irving). It all depends on what your “breaking point” is. I wish that bribery, thousands of migrant worker deaths, and my potential viewership benefiting a country where people are persecuted for being themselves were my breaking point. But they aren’t. I love this sport too much to let whatever fuckery is being done by those crooks at FIFA and cunts in Qatar stop me from enjoying the sport I love the most in an event I’ve been waiting more than four years for.
So over the next month, I will actually be getting up in the morning. I will watch as many games as I physically can (if not all of them) and cheer for the players and coaches who worked their asses off to get to the World Cup, no matter where it’s held. I’m gonna be a soccer fan. Plus, one silver lining is that, as a football fan as well, I get to experience something I never thought possible: the World Cup and NFL at the same time. I’m going to go crazy from watching sports. No matter which one, football will be all I talk about for the next month.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
COCK COMMANDERS (8-2) DEF. TEAM TBD (5-5)
122.34 – 117.40
Goddammit why can Kyle and I never have a normal matchup? It’s always either incredibly close or with incredibly high stakes. This one was the former, as Cock Commanders and Team TBD dueled until the end of Monday night. Both lineups’ stars came to play, with Saqon Barkley (22 points), Christian Kirk (22 points), Tony Pollard (18 points), and Josh Jacobs (16 points) lighting up the scoreboard. Fortunately, Marcus Mariota (18 points) did an admirable job of filling in for Joe Burrow, while both Pollard and Dak Prescott (21 points) got a little bit of help from OT. I guess I can’t complain, given that Dalvin Cook (21 points) salvaged his performance with an 81-yard TD run. In the end, the late periods of prime time may have been the difference. The 49ers defense and Robbie Gould gave me a surge in the 4th quarter, while the Eagles defense couldn’t stop the Commanders of all teams. I hold on to 1st place for another newsletter, while Kyle benefits from a large group of teams being at .500, thus remaining in the thick of things.
WELL DAMN (7-3) DEF. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (3-7)
139.68 – 68.04
On Tuesday, Argentina (the 3rd ranked team in the world) will face Saudi Arabia (the 51st ranked team in the world) to begin their World Cup campaign. The beatdown the Argentines will inflict upon the Saudis will not be as vicious as Well Damn more than doubling up Already Invested $$. I can’t tell if this is more Chriss being on fire or Emilio being dogshit right now, but it’s probably a bit of both. When it comes to that first point, Chriss’ team is simply kicking everyone’s ass right now (believe me, I should know). To continue the Argentina comparison, Chriss’ version of Lionel Messi has been Justin Fields (40 points), who has been putting up stellar performances lately. This week, Chris got an extra scoop of scoring thanks to Cole Kmet (19 points) being Fields’ favorite target. Don’t look now… uh… me, but Chriss has won five straight and is in 2nd place and closing in fast. As for Emilio, Travis Kelce (14 points) was the only one to show up. A loser of five straight games, Emilio suddenly finds himself tied with Riaz for the worst record in the league.
THREE EYED RAVENS (5-5) DEF. DOMINION WARRIORS (6-4)
110.00 – 99.74
A much-needed win for a team desperate to hold onto hope. A loss that keeps a strong team from cementing itself among the championship contenders (for now). DOMINION WARRIORS vs. Three Eyed Ravens was basically our version of the Dallas Cowboys vs. Green Bay Packers. Two newsletters ago, Ewing was in first place. Suddenly, he’s one loss from being out of the current playoff picture. Fortunately for him, that fate was staved off — at least for another week. While Ewing’s lineup was far from consistent, three 20-point efforts — Josh Allen (23 points), James Conner (20 points), and Jeff Wilson (20 points — and a nice game from Devin White (16 points) were enough to get the job done. For Dad, it was the usual suspects: Pat Mahomes (32 points) and Raheem Mostert (14 points). However, that was pretty much it. An unfortunate injury to Zach Ertz and bad days from Deebo Samuel and Chris Olave spelled doom for Dad. While this isn’t anything to freak out about, this loss may come back to haunt Dad in the playoff seeding.
49ERS (5-5) DEF. THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-5)
86.62 – 67.68
Well, somebody had to win this game. 49ers are certainly glad it’s them, having fought off a rough start to find themselves in a familiar spot — playoff contention. However, despite a nice rebound performance from Jonathan Taylor (22 points) and a savvy pickup of Tom Brady (18 points) paying off, Gee’s win might have been pyrrhic. Cooper Kupp will now miss the rest of the regular season, which is vital for Gee’s postseason hopes. However, given that he just trade raped Nick for Tua Tagovailoa, he may yet end up making it after all. Meanwhile, this loss might’ve been expected for the Krispy Kritters, given that both Lamar Jackson and Joe Mixon were out of action due to the bye week. However, Khalil Herbert is now also on IR and Juju Smith-Schuster got knocked the fuck out, so who knows how he will be impacted? While Richard had been surging in the scoring race, there’s now a bit more space between him and the two competitors ahead of him. Both for his own playoff seeding and the scoring title, points will be at a premium now.
CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (4-6) DEF. HOG WILD (5-5)
95.00 – 85.78
If Hog Wild ends up with a shitty playoff draw or out of the picture altogether, they will look back to this past weekend as the game that fucked them over. Jimmy should’ve won this matchup — Channel 4 News Team didn’t have a good week (outside of D’Onta Foreman [19 points]), with Nick Chubb (12 points), the Titans defense (12 points), and Jordyn Brooks (15 points) salvaging a respectable performance. But Davante Adams (18 points) had another strong week and Jimmy Garoppolo was largely ineffective for Arik. However, Jimmy was struck down by (among other things) two main factors. First, A.J. Brown completely shit the bed as the Eagles allowed the 1972 Dolphins to finally pop that champagne. Most importantly though, Jimmy made a terrible lineup decision, leaving CeeDee Lamb and his 27 points off the bench. Plug Lamb into any lineup spot without Adams’ name on it and Jimmy easily takes home the victory. Instead, the win goes to Arik, who for once gets a bit of good fortune to go his way as he keeps his playoff hopes alive.
FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-7) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-6)
100.16 – 93.70
Well well well, is that Randy Marsh I see over there? Footballdamus, previously winners of just one game, is now on a winning streak and no longer in sole possession of last place. While Riaz still isn’t consistently putting up points, he’ll take any win he can get, even ones that come with some shitty luck for the other team. Dixie Normous definitely had some people show up — Jalen Hurts (22 points), Aaron Jones (21 points), and Stefon Diggs (12 points) all did their part. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, Chase Claypool and Tyler Allgeier each put up a goose egg. Nick can pretty much place the blame squarely on them. That isn’t to say Riaz didn’t hold up his own end of the scoring this time. Justin Jefferson (26 points) went gangster on the Bills, while Aaron Rodgers (19 points) put up a vintage performance. Solid outings by Dalton Schultz and Rachaad White also made up for poor days from Daniel Carlson and the Rams defense. Nick’s loss also puts the second-leading scorer outside the playoff picture with just a month remaining.
STANDINGS
LEAGUE STANDINGS:
- Cock Commanders (8-2)
- Well Damn (7-3)
- DOMINION WARRIORS (6-4)
- The Krispy Kritters (5-5)
- Team TBD (5-5)
- Hog Wild (5-5)
- Three Eyed Ravens (5-5)
- 49ers (5-5)
- Dixie Normous (4-6)
- Channel 4 News Team (4-6)
- Already Invested (3-7)
- Footballdamus (3-7)
PUSH FOR THE POSTER:
- Cock Commanders (1153.64)
- Dixie Normous (1125.96)
- The Krispy Kritters (1063.64)
- Well Damn (1027.80)
- DOMINION WARRIORS (1027.27)
- Channel 4 News Team (1021.80)
- Team TBD (1018.80)
- Hog Wild (996.78)
- Already Invested $$ (986.18)
- Three Eyed Ravens (969.34)
- 49ers (932.12)
- Footballdamus (820.94)
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: Ladies and gentlemen, we have another contender. Chriss has seemingly come out of nowhere to win his last five games and surge into sole possession of 2nd place, beating yours truly in the process. The main catalyst of Chriss’ run has to be Justin Fields, who’s suddenly reaching his potential and, in the last two weeks, has gone Super Saiyan on his opponents.
WORST: I have it on good authority that, in the grand scheme of things, Emilio could not give a flying fuck about how his fantasy football team is doing. Perhaps that’s why his team has gone completely to shit in the past several weeks. Once near the top of the standings, Emilio has sunk into a tie with Riaz for the worst record in the league. A potential Toilet Bowl awaits in Week 14.
TRANSACTION
BEST: One former Dolphins RB goes out, while a new Dolphins RB goes in. After Miami’s RB switcheroo before the trade deadline, Ewing decided to drop Chase Edmonds in favor of his replacement, Jeff Wilson. All Wilson has done is give Ewing an average of 16 points per game since being picked up, while Edmonds has vanished into the black hole that is Denver’s offense.
WORST: Nick, do you WANT Gee to make the playoffs? You clearly want to help him out, or else you wouldn’t have given him Tua Tagovailoa for a shit sandwich. Two TEs and a backup RB (who’s injured) for one of the most promising QBs with arguably the best WR combo in the NFL? Also, by cutting Damien Harris earlier, Emilio effectively traded away Kyle Murray for nothing.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: Could Arik have panicked after seeing D’Onta Foreman and the Panthers be swallowed whole by the Bengals? Yes. Did he? No. As a result of keeping the faith in Foreman — and not falling back on available options like Kareem Hunt and Diontae Johnson (as a FLEX), Arik got the full benefit of Foreman’s 19-point effort, one that allowed him to escape with a kinda close win.
WORST: I was going to go with Kyle leaving Kadarius Toney on the bench in favor of A.J. Dillon, but then I took a look at Jimmy’s lineup. While I’m not suggesting A.J. Brown should have been taken out of the lineup (no one without hindsight could’ve predicted that), I’m saying CeeDee Lamb (27 points) was wasted on the bench in favor of Travis Etienne in a losing effort overall.
LUCK
BEST: So in addition to getting back-to-back 40-point performances from Justin Fields, Chriss also snagged Cole Kmet, who has also put up his two highest point totals this season these past two weeks. Let’s not forget that Chriss also gets a fully unlocked Christian McCaffrey, as a result of him being traded to the 49ers. It seems everything’s clicking for Chriss at just the right time.
WORST: Apparently Kyle can now lose in all sorts of agonizing ways. One week after putting up a pathetic 55 points, his lineup literally doubled their efforts with a 117-point performance, the third-highest scoring output this week. It just so happens his opponent had 122 points (second in the league), which included an 81-yard TD from Dalvin Cook that bailed him out of the dog house.
STATS OF THE MONTH
What happened between the Bills and Vikings on Sunday was nothing short of fucking insane. From Dalvin Cook’s 81-yard TD run to Justin Jefferson’s holy fucking shit catch to Buffalo’s multiple goal line stands to Allen’s fumble in the end zone turned Minnesota TD, this might end up being game of the year when all is said and done. It could also prove to be a major factor in the playoff race. For the Bills (and Allen in particular), this shows that there are still holes in their game and plenty of work needs to be done. Plus, this loss could make that hard-earned win in Kansas City worthless, as the Chiefs are now in the driver’s seat for home field advantage in the AFC playoffs. Further proof is in the fact that Buffalo is suddenly 3rd — yes, 3rd — in the AFC East. For the Vikings, this win proves they’re a legitimate contender and should be taken seriously. Right now, the NFC looks like it will be decided between Minnesota and the Philadelphia Eagles. But others could establish themselves, perhaps like the Dallas Cowboys.
It always seems like two steps forward, one step back for Dallas. Granted, the Cowboys were dealing with injuries and playing in Green Bay, but the Packers suck and had lost five straight games before they beat Dallas. (I will say the no PI call was bullshit). I can’t help but feel like this is another one of those seasons where the Cowboys look like potential contenders but never quite manage to put everything together. A playoff berth is almost certain at this point, especially given the rest of the NFC. With the Eagles and Vikings are on another tier, Dallas and maybe the New York Giants highlight the next level below — possible challengers but too flawed to be considered true contenders. There’s likely another team on that list, but, well…
The 49ers are weird. San Francisco is 2-1 against teams with a winning record and 3-3 against teams under .500. They’ve managed to take down strong teams while having a depleted roster yet struggle to put away lesser teams while fully loaded. The 49ers’ offense is absolutely loaded with names like Christian McCaffrey, Deebo Samuel, George Kittle, and Brandon Aiyuk. But two other names — Kyle Shanahan and Jimmy Garoppolo — have limited those other names with their inconsistent play calling and play making. San Francisco should be at worst 7-2 if not 8-1 (the Chiefs loss was legit), but they’re 5-4 and not even winning the NFC West. On paper, the 49ers should be in one of the top two tiers of NFC contenders, but they lost to the Chicago Bears for god’s sake. Speaking of the Bears…
So… what the holy fuck has gotten into Justin Fields lately? Are we seeing him finally make the leap, with Chicago’s offense leaning into Fields’ skills more and more. Incredibly, we’re seeing rushing QB stats from Fields that we’ve never seen from guys like Lamar Jackson, Michael Vick, and Cam Newton. The Bears’ problem during the early parts of the season had been a lack of offense. Naturally, right as Fields has gone into god mode, Chicago’s defense has gone to shit. After not giving up 30 points in any of their first seven games, the Bears have failed to hold their last three opponents to fewer than 30 points. Unsurprisingly, Chicago has lost each game.
Man, being a Bears fan must be rough. I can’t imagine rooting for a football team that is that maddening, losing in such creative and heartbreaking ways, throwing away multiple leads and wasting incredible talent.
Oh wait, yes I can!
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
The Raiders lost. To the Colts. In Las Vegas.
The Colts… who had lost three straight games… benched their QB in favor of a backup who still has yet to throw a TD pass… and fired their head coach…
The Colts… who made a move that many are calling a “disgrace” and replaced that coach with an ESPN analyst with no previous head coaching experience outside of high school… and who had openly shit on the Raiders in his last social media post before being hired…
The Raiders lost… despite leading with six minutes left in the 4th quarter… and having a literal eternity to recover what might’ve been a game-sealing fumble… while allowing Indianapolis’ previously benched 37-year-old QB to scramble for a run longer than his age…
This loss is the Raiders’ third in a row… following a loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars… in which Las Vegas led by 17 points… and a shutout loss to the New Orleans Saints… who are led by a former Raiders coach… who didn’t let his former team cross midfield until late in the 4th quarter…
The Raiders are now 2-7… despite being a playoff team last season and adding the best WR in football this past offseason…
Derek Carr is literally crying in the post-game press conference… Davante Adams is openly pissed… and Maxx Crosby is apologizing to fans… oh and both Darren Waller and Hunter Renfrow are still on IR…
Yet Josh McDaniels… who backed out of the Colts head coaching job after agreeing to a deal… is still the Raiders’ head coach… Patrick Graham is still defensive coordinator… and Mark Davis is too much of a chicken shit to make the necessary changes…
The Raiders are the biggest laughingstock in football… a great big Silver and Black joke…..
…………………………………………………
…………hehe
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
………..
……….. I suddenly feel like watching a movie. How about Heidi? I heard it’s pretty good.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On November 17, 1968, one of the greatest comebacks and most exciting finishes in football history took place — and millions of people missed it through no fault of their own. Going into the 1968 AFL season, the Oakland Raiders and New York Jets had developed an intense rivalry, with both teams among the best in the league (the Raiders were defending AFL champs and had reached Super Bowl II the previous season). In fact, physicality, high scores, and close contests had become commonplace when the Jets and Raiders collided over the previous two seasons. Both teams were 7-2 when they met in Oakland in Week 11, with the Raiders needing a win to keep up in the AFL West race and the Jets clinching at least a tie for the AFL East title with a victory. It was expected to be an exciting game and indeed was living up to the hype. Oakland was on top 22-19 going into the 4th quarter, but New York quickly went 97 yards in two plays for a TD, then added a FG to make it 29-22. The Raiders tied the game with less than four minutes left, but a FG put the Jets up 32-29 with 1:05 remaining. James Turner kicked off to Charlie Smith, who returned the ball to Oakland’s 22-yard line. As the Raiders prepared to try to at least tie the game, people watching on TV were eager to see how this would end. While many did get to see the ending, many more did not, though they didn’t even change the channel.
It may be tough to imagine , but back in the 1960’s, football games rarely lasted more than two hours and 30 minutes, with a three-hour time slot for broadcasts. So NBC — broadcasting this game — seemingly had little to worry about. In fact, because they expected Raiders-Jets to draw lots of eyes, they scheduled the premier of the made-for-TV film Heidi (about a young girl living with her grandfather in the Swiss Alps) to be right after the game. Because of how time zones and TV work, that only applies to the Eastern and Central time zones, with the movie slated to start ay 7 p.m./6 p.m. CT. Ironically, the two-hour time block was bought by watch manufacturer Timex, which would not allow the film to be delayed or joined in progress. In other words, the football broadcast had to end on time. But, things did not go to plan — there was a lot of scoring, Joe Namath and Daryle Lamonica threw a lot of incompletions, and several injuries and penalties took up time. As the game wound down, it became apparent that the broadcast would not end in time. A decision had to be made — stay put or cut to Heidi as planned. In the end, NBC execs changed their original plan and decided to stick with the game until it ended. However, they were unable to get into contact with those with the power to switch the broadcast. That’s because the switchboards were jammed with viewers calling NBC to either demand they stay with the game or ask if Heidi would start on time. All fuses were blown, meaning the change in plan could not be communicated. So, as Smith went out of bounds for a nice gain, the clock ticked to 7 p.m. NBC signed off and (after a commercial break) ET and CT viewers were introduced to Heidi.
As you can imagine, many bitches were flipped. NBC execs demanded the game be put back on, though at the time that wasn’t technically possible. Thousands of angry viewers called the network to complain, with thousands more seeking help from newspapers to local TV stations to even police in an effort to figure out how the game ended. Once the game did finally end, NBC decided to display a graphic with the final score on screen. In a further display of bad timing, the message came on during an emotional scene when Heidi’s paralyzed cousin, Clara, was trying to walk. Those watching the movie were angered at having a sports graphic ruin a touching moment. Those trying to find out what happened couldn’t believe their eyes — the graphic said the Raiders had won. Indeed — as those at the Oakland Coliseum and viewers in the Mountain and Pacific time zones had seen — Smith had caught a 43-yard TD pass from Lamonica with 42 seconds left to put the Raiders up 36-32. On the ensuing kickoff, Earl Christy was hit by Bill Budness, fumbling the ball. Preston Ridlehuber recovered it for Oakland, running into the end zone to make it 43-32, which would end up being the final score. The Raiders had scored 14 points in about 10 seconds to not only win the game in its final minute, but also beat the point spread, meaning bets thought won had been lost — and most people watching didn’t see it.
The Heidi Game, as it would become known, would have major ramifications on how future sporting events were broadcast. Immediately, NBC installed a special “Heidi phone” as a hotline that wouldn’t be impacted by switchboard meltdowns. In addition, NBC changed its procedures to allow games to finish before other programming began. That would be put into practice four weeks later when a game between the Raiders and San Diego Chargers ran over its allotted time slot and NBC started the next scheduled programming, The New Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, at 7:08 p.m. ET. After it merged with the AFL, the NFL would require networks airing its games to show them to completion in the road team’s TV market (remember, New York was the visiting team for the Heidi Game). Of course, it’s since become standard practice for all live sports broadcasts to finish before going to the next scheduled programming (believe me, I’ve had many of my shows adjusted/canceled due to games going long). As for the teams involved, it turned out the Heidi Game wouldn’t be the most important game for New York that season. Because of the format at the time (the AFL championship game hosts alternated between divisions each year), the Eastern Division-winning Jets got to host the Western Division-winning Raiders, getting their revenge in a 27-23 victory. The Jets would then pull off one of the biggest and most important upsets in sports history by beating the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. As for Oakland, 1968 would be the final year for head coach John Rauch, who left for the Buffalo Bills’ job. The Raiders would take a gamble with his replacement, hiring a 32-year-old LBs coach named John Madden.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2019: Adam Vinatieri breaks the all-time NFL record for most FG attempts, booting his 710th to surpass Morten Anderson’s mark as the Indianapolis Colts defeat the Jacksonville Jaguars 33-13
— 1991: Mike Utley’s career comes to an unfortunate end, suffering an injury to his sixth and seventh cervical vertebrae in the 4th quarter that would leave him paraliyzed from the chest down
— 1985: Ken O’Brien throws for 367 yards and ties the then-team record with five TDs as the New York Jets break the all-time franchise scoring record, beating the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 62-28
— 1940: The Green Bay Packers become the first NFL team to travel by plane, taking to the air in two separate aircraft to journey to New York City, where they would lose to the Giants 7-3
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 GREATEST TIES IN NFL HISTORY
What’s the number one thing football fans complain about when asked about soccer? Besides flopping, the answer has to be that soccer games regularly end in ties. In soccer, a winning team gets three points in the standings, while each drawn team gets on point. While I can see the fairness in giving two teams who play evenly well a tie or reward an inferior team for playing up to their competition and stealing points from a stronger team, I can also see the desire to avoid the most “boring” outcome for neutral fans and acknowledge that many feel that a game ending in a tie ruins the very principle of competition — to see which team is better. I ran the numbers from the most recently completed regular seasons of the top six leagues in Europe, plus the leagues in the two biggest countries in North & South America — USA, Mexico, Brazil, Argentina. As little as 23-24% (Premier League & MLS) and as much as 30-31% (Liga MX & Brazil’s league) of games end with an even scoreline. Obviously you can’t have draws in the postseason, although knockout stage games that go to extra time/penalties are technically counted as such.
Other major sports don’t really have an issue with tying. Basketball and baseball games cannot end in ties, although the latter isn’t true in other countries — this year’s Japan Series saw Game 2 end in a tie after 12 innings (had both teams been tied 3-3, a Game 8 would’ve been necessary). Hockey used to have plenty of ties, until the relatively recent implementation of OT, followed by a shootout (or more OT periods if we’re in the playoffs) — if a team loses in OT or shootout, they’re credited with an “overtime loss.” CFB no longer does ties, with games going to OT periods until there’s a winner, though the format of OT itself has changed. As it turns out, the only other major American sport that even allows a regular season game to end in a tie is, in fact, football.
Ties actually used to be a lot more common (nine ties happened in the 1970 season alone). They ranged from actual scoreless ties in the olden days to more modern shootouts. Then in 1974, the NFL introduced a 15-minute OT in the regular season. From 1974-2011, just 3.4% of all games (17 to be exact) ended in a tie. In 2012, the league modified the rules of OT so a FG couldn’t end the game (unless both teams had a chance to score) — the rate of ties nearly doubled (6.0%) and five games were added to the list. Then in 2017, the OT period would be cut to just ten minutes, which increased the rate of ties to 8.0%. As of this past weekend, six ties have been added since the current format was adopted. That means a total of 28 games have gone through 60 minutes of regulation time and 10-15 minutes of OT without declaring a winner.
(Side note: in case you’re wondering, the NFL team with the most ties is the Chicago Bears, with 42 — all of which came before OT. The Arizona Cardinals [40] and Green Bay Packers [38] have the next highest amounts. The Packers have the most ties since OT began [6], followed by the Philadelphia Eagles [5] and a four-way tie — ha — between the Cardinals, Pittsburgh Steelers, Minnesota Vikings, and Cincinnati Bengals with 4 each. Five teams have tied only once, while the Jacksonville Jaguars are the only NFL team to never play a game that ended in a tie.)
However, just because the overall outcome may not seem as satisfying, doesn’t mean that a tied game is automatically worse than one that ends with a decisive outcome. I’d rather see an incredible, back-and-forth contest end in a tie than an absolute snoozefest that ends in regulation. In the last newsletter, I took a look at the most notable times two teams put in the best position for viewers (prime time) produced the worst results (shit football). This time, in honor of the World Cup and all of the group stage draws that will come over the next couple of weeks, let’s take a look at the best, most insane, incredible shootouts that were so evenly matched, a winner couldn’t be decided. Let’s see which of those 28 ties since OT was implemented were better than most of the other 23,000+ games that ended with a decisive outcome. Also, those eagle-eyed readers may spot an entry from last week making a reappearance, in doing so becoming the first ever entry to be featured in back-to-back Top 10 lists in newsletter history.
HONORABLE MENTION: RAIDERS @ PATRIOTS (WEEK 6, 1964)
This game makes the list despite being pre-OT and not technically an NFL game (this happened in the AFL), because it was insane and remains a benchmark. The Raiders and Patriots tore up Fenway Park back in 1964, with Oakland holding a double-digit lead in the 4th quarter. But, Boston would score 22 points in the final frame, making a two-point conversion while Oakland missed theirs. This would prove crucial, as a late Raiders FG would only end the game in a tie. However, the final tally of 43-43 leaves this game as the highest-scoring tie in NFL history.
HONORABLE MENTION: COLTS @ TEXANS (WEEK 1, 2022)
From a pre-merger tie to the most recent NFL game to end with an even score, this was the Colts’ first tie since 1982 and the first in Texans history. It didn’t appear it would end that way, as Houston had answered a FG with 20 unanswered points and were up 20-3 in the 4th quarter. But Indianapolis would mount a furious comeback, evening the score with just under two minutes remaining. The Colts drove deep into Texans territory in OT, but Rodrigo Blankenship missed a 42-yard FG. The game would end 20-20 and Indianapolis would release Blankenship afterwards.
HONORABLE MENTION: UNCLUTCH KICKERS
Looking over the list of ties, there are many instances of a team missing a FG late in OT or both teams missing FGs in the extra frame. Examples include Jets-Dolphins (1981), Packers-Colts (1982), Browns-Chiefs (1989), Ravens-Eagles (1997), Bengals-Eagles (2008), and Browns-Steelers (2018). That last one gets a shoutout because it ended Cleveland’s 17-game losing streak, but not with a win. There are more games that actually made the list, but they had other great action/special circumstances/stupid shit involved to merit their own, separate entries.
HONORABLE MENTION: OFFENSIVE MISTAKES
There are two other games that certainly weren’t the greatest, but deserve recognition due to some special offensive ineptitude. In 1986, the Falcons had the ball inside the 49ers’ 12-yard line three times in the second half — they got no points. Atlanta did eventually get a 39-yard TD with under two minutes left, but had to settle for a 10-10 tie with San Francisco. In 2021, the Steelers had plenty of chances to put away the 0-8 Lions. But two OT fumbles by a Pittsburgh squad missing Ben Roethlisberger helped Detroit salvage a 16-16 tie and break its losing streak.
HONORABLE MENTION: WASHINGTON @ GIANTS (WEEK 13, 1997)
This game honestly kind of sucked — it was part of 1997’s Sunday Night schedule and almost made the last Top 10. However, I wanted to save it for this week because one moment keeps it in infamy. In the 2nd quarter, Washington QB Gus Frerotte ran into the end zone for a TD — in celebration, he rammed his head against a padded cement wall. As a result, Frerotte sprained his neck and missed the rest of the game, which ended 7-7 thanks to a Giants TD. This tie ended up being crucial, as it meant Washington missed the playoffs and New York got a better seed.
10. SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS (WEEK 7, 2016)
Here’s the history maker! Despite being an objectively bad prime time game, it circles back to being so bad it’s good, especially given how it ended. In case you need a reminder: What little offense Seattle and Arizona produced in this clash in 2016 came slowly and painfully. Seven of the first eight drives ended with punts, with the exception ending with a blocked FG. The Cardinals led 3-0 at halftime — that might’ve been the final score had the Seahawks not blocked another kick late in the 4th quarter and taken advantage of field position to tie the game at 3-3. In OT, things finally kicked up, with each team doubling their score. Then came the stupidity. Arizona drove to Seattle’s one-yard line and went for a FG on 3rd down — the 24-yarder hit the upright and bounced out. Seattle then drove down and went for a 28-yard FG — that went wide left. That’s right, back-to-back game-winning FG attempts of under 30 yards missed in OT. Neither team deserved to win, so the 6-6 tie was quite justified. Man, I should copy and paste more often!
9. GIANTS @ CARDINALS (WEEK 8, 1983)
Speaking of bad games in prime time with unclutch Ks — this was considered perhaps the worst Monday night game ever when it happened (though it has since been surpassed). Plus, both the Giants and Cardinals scored two TDs, though each team had a defensive score. Aside from that, the only offense came from the Ks — New York’s Ali Haji-Sheikh and St. Louis’ (yes, St. Louis) Neil O’Donoghue each made two FGs. The game was even at 20-20 heading into OT, where O’Donoghue — the tallest K in NFL history at 6’6″ — would gain infamy. Three times, O’Donoghue was sent out to kick a potentially game-winning FG in the extra frame. Three times, O’Donogue — who had set the Cardinals record for longest FG the previous week — missed, including twice in the final 1:06 of game time. While O’Donoghue — the NFL’s most recent Irish born player — became the goat for the Cardinals in the 20-20 tie, his Giants counterpart, Haji-Sheikh, would go on to break the NFL record for most FGs in a season in 1983 (which was also his rookie year).
8. RAMS @ 49ERS (WEEK 10, 2012)
Like most games involving the NFC West in the 2010’s, this one was weird and — as it turned out — important for the future. While the 49ers were on top of the division going in, the Rams were near the bottom. However, St. Louis jumped out to a 14-0 lead and was up by ten going into the 4th quarter. Plus, San Francisco had lost QB Alex Smith to a concussion. But Smith’s backup, Colin Kaepernick, helped give the 49ers the lead and — after the Rams scored a TD with just over a minute left — drove them down to kick a FG to send the game to OT. On San Francisco’s first drive, David Akres missed a 41-yard FG. St. Louis then hit a 53-yard FG that appeared to end things. But the Rams were called for delay of game and Greg Zuerlein missed the next attempt, with the game ending in a 24-24 tie. Rams P Johnny Hekker blamed himself, though interestingly he also converted two fake punts that game. Kaepernick would remain the 49ers’ starter for the rest of 2012, leading them to the division title — the tie was the difference in the standings.
7. WASHINGTON @ BENGALS (WEEK 8, 2016)
When the NFL goes to London, the on-field product doesn’t live up to expectations most of the time. However, this 2016 showdown between Washington and Cincinnati was a rare exception. Both teams aired the ball out, with Kirk Cousins throwing for 458 yards, two TDs, and an INT, while Andy Dalton added a TD with both his arm and his legs. The two teams went back-and-forth, with the Bengals taking a ten-point lead in the 3rd quarter, only for Washington to rally and go ahead in the 4th quarter. Another Cincinnati TD made it 27-24, but a FG by Dustin Hopkins evened the score at 27-27 with just over a minute left. The game would head to OT, where both offenses suddenly went cold. Washington eventually broke through, getting into the Bengals’ red zone. However, Hokpins missed a potential game-winning 34-yard FG. Cincinnati fumbled on their next possession, but a short clock and an ill-timed OPI call meant that Washington couldn’t get into FG rage. The 27-27 tie was the first and remains the only international tie in NFL history.
6. LIONS @ CARDINALS (WEEK 1, 2019)
When the 2019 season began, all eyes were on one man — Kyler Murray, the No. 1 overall pick by the Cardinals who spurned baseball for football (sorry, A’s fans). Murray’s first test as a pro would come against the Lions, who quickly proved to be more than a handful, jumping out to a 17-0 lead late in the 2nd quarter. Though Arizona fought back with a pair of Zane Gonzalez FGs, No. 8 overall pick T.J. Hockenson caught his first career TD to increase Detroit’s lead to 24-6 in the 4th quarter. Then, as if a switch had been flipped, Murray woke up. After another Gonzalez FG, Murray got his first career TD with a 27-yard pass to David Johnson. Then, with just 43 seconds remaining, Murray found Larry Fitzgerald and Christian Kirk in the end zone for a TD and two-point conversion to tie the score at 24-24. Both teams made FGs on their first drive in OT, but couldn’t do anything more. Matt Stafford’s deep ball with five seconds left was nearly picked off by Tramaine Brock, but the ball fell incomplete and the game ended in a 27-27 tie.
5. VIKINGS @ PACKERS (WEEK 12, 2013)
In a testament to how weird this 2013 contest was, two different QBs scored for the Packers in this game — none of them were Aaron Rodgers. The usual starter had broken his collarbone three weeks earlier, with Scott Tolzien getting the nod against the Vikings. Tolzien actually started off well, opening the scoring with a rushing TD. But from there it was all Minnesota, who scored 23 straight points to take a 23-7 lead in the 4th quarter. Then Green Bay’s savior arrived — Matt Flynn replaced Tolzien and revived the offense, leading three straight scoring drives. Crucially, one of those drives included a failed two-point conversion, meaning Mason Crosby’s 27-yard FG with 50 seconds left only tied the game. Crosby got another FG in OT, but Blair Walsh answered to even the score again. However, that was all the offense they could muster, with the game ending in a 26-26 tie. Still, this was not the craziest tie between these two teams that decade.
4. VIKINGS @ PACKERS (WEEK 2, 2018)
The first Packers-Vikings meeting of 2018 appeared to be as normal as any other. Aaron Rodgers was back in action and had led Green Bay to a 20-7 lead after the first three quarters. Then the 4th quarter happened. Minnesota scored two TDs, each of which were followed by Packers FGs. Another Mason Crosby FG came after a Kirk Cousins INT, putting Green Bay ahead 29-21 with 1:49 to go. The game appeared to be over with another Cousins INT — however, Clay Matthews was controversially called for roughing the passer, keeping the Vikings’ drive alive. Cousins would hit Adam Thielen in the end zone with 31 seconds left, then find Stefon Diggs for the two-point conversion to tie the game. But Green Bay wasn’t done — Crosby had a 52-yard FG attempt sail wide as time expired. In OT, it was Minnesota’s time to choke, as Daniel Carlson missed two FGs and the game ended in a 29-29 tie. The best thing about this game is Carlson being waived by the Vikings after the game — he was picked up by the Raiders has been amazing ever since.
3. PANTHERS @ BENGALS (WEEK 6, 2014)
The 2014 all-cat showdown between the Panthers and Bengals had everything you’d want in a great football game — plenty of points, some defensive highlights, multiple lead changes, and close scoring — except for a decisive winner, of course. Both Cincinnati and Carolina got started with a long TD drive, before an 89-yard TD run by Giovani Bernard truly got the track meet started. Both teams combined for nearly 1,000 yards, three turnovers, 68 regulation points — 27 of them in the 4th quarter alone. The final frame saw a Cam Newton INT turned into a Bengals FG with just over two minutes left. But Newton and the Panthers answered with their own FG as time expired. Both teams added a FG in OT, though Cincinnati got the last shot to win the game. However, Mike Nugent missed a 36-yard FG as time expired, with the game ending in a 37-37 tie. Not only was this an incredible game that has somehow become a forgotten classic from the past decade, but it’s the NFL’s highest-scoring tie since regular season OT was implemented.
2. STEELERS @ BRONCOS (WEEK 2, 1974)
Just two weeks into the first NFL season where OT was implemented in the regular season (an attempt to cut down on ties), the Steelers and Broncos played to a tie. However, no one was complaining, because no one deserved to lose this game. Both teams got off to a hot start, with Denver taking a 21-7 lead in the 1st quarter. Pittsburgh had somewhat controversially started Joe Gilliam at QB over Terry Bradshaw, with Gilliam (the first African-American opening day starting QB in NFL history) starting slowly. But he eventually heated up, helping the Steelers tie the game early in the 3rd quarter. Both teams traded TDs from there, with Denver’s TD with 7:08 remaining tying the score at 35-35. The score might’ve been even higher had the defenses not done their thing — both secured multiple turnovers. While this was the first NFL regular season game to go to OT, neither team scored, with the game ending in a 35-35 tie. The 1974 Steelers would go on to win the Super Bowl — they remain the last team to record a tie during a championship season.
1. FALCONS @ STEELERS (WEEK 10, 2002)
Welcome to the most batshit crazy game you’ve never heard of. Both the Falcons and Steelers fumbled in the 1st quarter of their 2002 matchup. Then Tommy Maddox went to work, throwing for a then-Pittsburgh record 473 yards and four TDs. Two of those went to Plaxico Burress, who finished with 253 receiving yards. The Steelers led 34-17 in the 4th quarter and were seemingly in control. Then Michael Vick went to work, leading Atlanta to three scoring drives and running in for an 11-yard TD with 42 seconds left to tie the game at 34-34. Then OT began, and with it the real chaos. The Falcons blocked a FG early in the extra frame, then picked off Maddox late to set up a 56-yard FG attempt by Jay Feely. That kick was also blocked, with the clock stopping with one second remaining. Maddox launched a desperation throw towards the end zone — Burress caught it, but was ruled down less than a yard from the end zone as time expired. Despite a combined 1,092 yards, 68 points, and two blocked FGs in OT, this game ended in a 34-34 tie.
26 AMERICANS TO GO QATAR…
There are exactly three people reading this newsletter who will not need to read three of the next four segments. That’s because they’re all soccer-related, meant to help educate the other eight or so of you on what to watch for in the coming month. But even though Richard and Riaz (fellow members of the Kennedy High School soccer team) and Kyle (an Arsenal fan) might also know soccer very well and have their own version of what I’m about to say, it’s still nice to share soccer opinions and encourage discussion on a sport not usually talked about in these newsletters.
In short, I’m going to start talking about soccer a lot. Deal with it. If you don’t know a lot about soccer, these segments are for you to enjoy the greatest sporting event in the world. If you do, then hopefully you’ll appreciate what I have to say and get the jokes.
Let’s start with the men representing our country in Qatar. The United States Men’s National Team is historically full of contradictions, with the current generation being no exception. The U.S. squad is the youngest of all teams at the World Cup (an average of about 24.5 years old). Yet some consider this roster to be the most talented in U.S. history, with a lineup full of young stars playing overseas, sons of former stars, and one player many consider to be the future American soccer GOAT. However, the youth has proven to be inconsistent. During World Cup qualifying, the U.S. was almost unbeatable at home, beating Mexico 2-0 and Panama 5-1. But on the road, their form dipped significantly, tying Jamaica and El Salvador and losing to Costa Rica and Panama. Then there’s the recent loss to Japan and draw with Saudi Arabia, also on foreign soil. There is a major excuse — the projected starting lineup has rarely (if ever) played together due to things like injuries, club commitments, and general lineup experimentation by manager Gregg Berhalter. This overall inconsistency has left people unable to agree on a consensus for how the U.S. will do in Qatar. I’ve seen predictions of a group stage flameout. I’ve also seen predictions of a shock run to the semi-finals. Both results, in my opinion, are realistic.
So who exactly are these guys that make up the youth movement and will be wearing our country’s fucking awful jerseys? If there’s ever been a soccer position where the U.S. can claim equal footing with the rest of the world, it’s goalkeeper. But while Matt Turner, Sean Johnson, and Ethan Horvath are all studs, none of them have really separated themselves as “the guy” like Tim Howard did the previous generation. That being said, Turner and Zack Steffen did get the most playing time and Steffen wasn’t even selected. This means Turner, a member of Kyle’s beloved Arsenal, will most likely be the starter, with him getting valuable experience and staying in form during the team’s European competition. Still, the World Cup will be by far Turner’s biggest test.
As for the men in front of Turner, the defense will be led by a potential future star. At just 22 years old, Sergino Dest has already made waves with both Barcelona and AC Milan. However, Dest has been dealing with injury problems lately and any time he misses could prove costly. On the other side, Antonee Robinson, known as “Jedi,” will likely be another defensive starter and in fact could play every minute of the tournament for the U.S. In the middle, Walker Zimmerman is the clear defensive presence — the real question was who would he pair with. Enter Tim Ream, who at age 35 is by far the oldest player on the roster yet is enjoying arguably the best playing form of his career alongside Robinson at Fulham. Ream will likely start over Aaron Long, who has yet to truly recover his amazing form after rupturing his Achilles tendon last year. In addition to Long, depth on defense will come from the versatile Shaw Moore, the solid Cameron Carter-Vickers, the former starter DeAndre Yedlin, and the 19-year-old Joe Scally.
In the midfield, the U.S. will rely on an acronym more well known in another sport — MMA. That’s the combination of Weston McKennie, Yunus Musah, and Tyler Adams. The young trio have formed a reliable core and will probably be the starters in Qatar. In particular, McKennie has the potential to do spectacularly well if he avoids injury. But don’t discount the other two — Adams has been fantastic at Leeds and Musah has shown consistency and ability beyond his age of 19. Aside from MMA, Kellyn Acosta just had perhaps his best season ever for MLS Cup winners LAFC and Cristian Roldan has anchored the Seattle Sounders’ midfield for decades. Brenden Aaronson (affectionately known as “Medford Messi”) has impressed as well and could be key in a backup role. Luca de la Torre might be the only question mark in the midfield, as his recent injury could leave him on the bench for the whole tournament.
Perhaps no part of the national team has more potential and more question marks than the forward position. Specifically, the biggest weakness for the U.S. could be a lack of a consistent striker in front of goal. Jesus Ferreira will likely be the starter, even though his national team form hasn’t been as consistent as his club form. Josh Sargent and Haji Wright could be solid options off the bench, but may not be able to provide a huge spark. Wright in particular was surprisingly chosen over the talented 19-year-old Ricardo Pepi, though maybe Berhalter knows something we don’t. The U.S. has more options on the wings, where we find two sons of past legends. 19-year-old Gio Reyna, son of USMNT legend Claudio Reyna, has been killing it at Dortmund while Tim Weah (son of Ballon d’Or winner and current Liberian President George Weah) is emerging at Lille. Jordan Morris is another somewhat surprising pick, but he’s been clutch for the U.S. in previous tournaments (shoutout to his game-winning goal in the 2017 Gold Cup Final, which Dad, Emilio, and I saw in person). Last and certainly not least, we have the best and most prolific American soccer player right now — Christian Pulisic, who has the potential to go down as one of the all-time American greats. At age 24 he’s already 7th in U.S. history in goals scored and always improves the quality of play when he’s on the field. More often than not the team’s most consistent goal scorer, the U.S. might just end up going as far as Pulisic takes us.
Another factor in how far the U.S. can go will be Berhalter himself. A former USMNT player, Berhalter certainly isn’t the worst manager the country has ever had. But no one will ever accuse him of being on the same level tactically as the likes of Pep Guardiola or Jurgen Klopp. Perhaps keeping things simple is a good thing, given how young the squad is and how little a lot of the core members have actually played together. Still, it leaves little room for error and a wide array of ways the U.S. would need to adjust, especially while trailing. In the end, while he did a good job of getting the U.S. to the World Cup, the tournament will likely be Berhalter’s last in charge of the national team, with more potential and focus going into the 2026 edition, which the U.S. will host (and hopefully genuinely compete for).
That being said, there’s an opportunity for these young Americans to make some noise, with Group B being one without a completely clear pecking order. England is one of the best teams in the world and should win the group. Wales is solid yet unspectacular, but the U.S. has always found beating European teams difficult. Iran should be a guaranteed win, but they’re great defensively and have already beaten the U.S. once at the World Cup (1998). Given their incredibly inconsistent form, it’s definitely possible that the U.S. loses two or three group stage games and goes home early. Then again, England has never been consistent at major tournaments, I can’t name anyone from Wales outside of Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey, and Iran should be a cakewalk. If the U.S. were to make it out of the group — and even win it — the knockout stage path is surprisingly easy early. The Group B winner will likely get either Senegal, Ecuador, or Qatar — very beatable teams. France could be waiting in the quarter-finals, but given their own inconsistencies, Denmark, Poland, or even Mexico could be there instead. I genuinely don’t think that’s an unrealistic outcome, but it’s one less likely than a group stage crash out.
So how exactly will the U.S. do in Qatar? One thing for certain is that we’ll know early. Our first game is against Wales — a win puts us in the driver’s seat to advance while anything but a loss means our second game (against England) is not a must-win. The third match against Iran will likely end up being just for pride for at least one team involved — hopefully it’s just Iran. Expect plenty of drama, even if there aren’t many goals.
Also, it’s best to have a backup plan.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 TEAMS TO ROOT FOR AT THE WORLD CUP (BESIDES USA)
Despite every positive I’ve mentioned above and the fact that I will be living and dying with how they perform in Qatar, I’m going to say something that may shock you: the United States will not win the 2022 World Cup. I may be wrong (and it would be the most delicious crow I’ll ever eat), but unless we get some fantastic luck or Christian Pulisic actually turns into the American Lionel Messi, the best we can hope for is maybe — MAYBE — a quarter-final appearance. Now this shouldn’t change your rooting interest and we should all be cheering for the red, white, and blue until we get eliminated. But when that does happen, what should those of us who want to have a rooting interest do for the rest of the tournament? Simply put, do something that us Las Vegas Raiders and Sacramento Kings fans have gotten used to when it comes to the playoffs: live vicariously through another fandom.
Every World Cup, I pick another team to root for besides the U.S., someone I think will either go far, win the whole thing, or at the very least be incredibly entertaining. Sometimes I go into the group stage with a second favorite. Sometimes a team peaks my interest during competition. But either way, I get to experience joy (usually) as my country fails yet again at the most popular sport in the world. As a little bonus, because of the nature of this being the World Cup, I get to learn a little more about the country I pick. So given that at least some of you are largely soccer novices, I’ve presented a list of bandwagonable teams for you to make your side piece for when your main squeeze inevitably chokes and dies. Every team in the Top 10 in my opinion has a chance to make the semi-finals (if not win the tournament outright), with one notable exception which I’ll explain when the time comes.
Now, you may look through this list and notice some notable countries are not on it. Perhaps the biggest omission (on paper) is Mexico. The country is right next to the U.S. and I am, myself, half Hispanic. However, Mexico also happens to be the major rival of the U.S. (ask an Argentinian to root for Brazil once they’re country is knocked out and see what happens). I’ve had Mexico fans shower me in beer (not in a good way) at a game their team wasn’t even playing in. Plus their fans regularly throw garbage at players and yell homophobic chants. Mexico (the national team) can get fucked. I’m also not including England (and Wales), even though most basic bitches will end up rooting for them. First off, both are in our group and Wales isn’t good enough to win it all. Plus, in case you don’t know, it’s just not a smart idea to root for England at a tournament. Even if they go far, the journey itself probably won’t be fun. I also like rooting for the underdog, so while there will be former winners on this list the majority of the represented countries will be seeking their first trophy (Germany is not on the list). I was tempted to put Uruguay, but I cannot endorse rooting for a team with Luis Suarez on it. Using similar reasons, even though they have a star-powered squad and haven’t won a World Cup, I cannot root for Portugal. They’re inconsistent, play defensive-minded soccer despite having a bevy of talent on offense, still employ Fernando Santos (the Dave Roberts of national team managers), and most importantly have Cristiano Ronaldo on the team. I would rather watch Adam Schefter’s Kirk Cousins impression on repeat than root for a team with that crying, whining, flopping prima-donna on their roster.
(looks at Manchester United roster)
… well I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.
HONORABLE MENTION: SERBIA
Even though Serbia definitely won’t win the World Cup, they’re a dark horse pick to reach their first knockout stage as an independent nation. Plus, they qualified for the tournament in the most insane fashion — a last-minute away goal against Portugal. The man who scored that goal — Aleksander Mitrovic — is only 28 years old and already has the Serbian goal scoring record.
HONORABLE MENTION: AUSTRALIA
If asked to pick the worst team at the World Cup, I might choose Australia. They might not even win a game. So why the hell are they even sniffing this list? Simple: no one parties quite like Australians. From everything I’ve heard and read online, Aussies are fucking cool and make Jimmy and Ewing look like Emilio and Gee when it comes to drinking and other shenanigans.
HONORABLE MENTION: BRAZIL
While rooting for Brazil may be like rooting for the yankees (replace Aaron Judge with a skinny punk who flops too much), I know you guys and many others will do it anyway. Brazil has won more World Cups than anyone (five) and are in just enough of a dry spell to make people want to see them win again. You can root for Brazil, just know you won’t look or be cool for doing so.
10. POLAND
If anyone can name a member of Poland’s national team, there’s a 100% chance that player is Robert Lewandowski. One of the best players in the world, Lewandowski is entertaining to watch and a sublime talent. The problem for Poland is there’s no one (especially on defense) close to his talent. This means every game will come down to Lewandowski vs. the other team. At the very least, it should be a perfect recipe for high-scoring affairs. Poland will also be representing Ukraine (a geographical neighbor and ally of Poland) with their captain’s armband.
9. FRANCE
Although France loses all underdog points for being the defending champs, the fact they won it in 2018 is kind of incredible. That French side was one of the youngest in the tournament and were thought of as more of a likely winner this year than the previous edition. France is loaded with young talent, including Kylian Mbappe, perhaps the future best player in the world. The thing with France is they’re absolutely inconsistent at major tournaments. The last time they entered the World Cup as the previous winners, France failed to make it out of the group stage.
8. CROATIA
Four years ago, Croatia nearly became the ninth country to win the World Cup, reaching the final but falling just short. While there might’ve been a slight hangover in the aftermath, Croatia appears to have bounced back. All eyes will be on Croatia’s captain and greatest ever player, Luka Modric, who not only remains one of the most universally liked players in the world but is keeping up his world class form even at age 37. Plus, in a world of generic red, white, and blue uniforms, Croatia has an incredibly unique look, proudly rocking the checkerboard pattern.
7. BELGIUM
Plenty of people in this country only remember Belgium as the team which forced Tim Howard to go into god mode at the 2014 World Cup. Eight years later, Belgium remains ranked among the best in the world, yet hasn’t cashed that success in for a major trophy. Now, as their “Golden Generation” begins to reach its older age, this World Cup may be Belgium’s last great chance to earn silverware. If you’re looking for a squad who wants to be a first-time winner, you’ve got a perfect match. The only reason Belgium is this low is because I’m still pissed about 2014.
6. SPAIN
Of all the major soccer powers in the world, Spain may be perhaps the most snakebitten. Considering all the talent they’ve had over the years, Spain can only claim one World Cup title. Granted, that came during a period where they produced perhaps the greatest national team ever assembled. All these years later, Spain is coming into this tournament pissed — they narrowly lost the 2021 Nations League Final due to a goal that should’ve been ruled offside. Spain will be looking for revenge and hoping to avoid the usual upset in the knockout stage.
5. ARGENTINA
For more than a decade, Lionel Messi has been the best player in the world. But while Messi’s won everything at club level, he’s missed out on most of the big prizes with Argentina, most notably falling just short in the 2014 World Cup final. Messi really can’t be blamed for those failures, yet the weight of expectations falls upon his shoulders. Things have changed recently — last year Argentina won its first major trophy (the Copa America) with Messi on the roster. Much of the world will be rooting for Messi to finally appease the ghost of Diego Maradona.
4. DENMARK
Although Denmark doesn’t regularly play in major tournaments, they make headlines when they get there, from winning a tournament they didn’t qualify for to one of their best players nearly dying on the field. They also got good fortune with the draw — they should absolutely advance from their group and have a fair shot at winning it outright. If the latter happens, Denmark could have a sneakily easy path to their first ever semi-finals. Plus, Denmark is wearing a deliberately toned-down uniform to object Qatar being the host and honor the migrant workers who died.
3. SENEGAL
No African country has ever reached the semi-finals of a World Cup. Senegal — the current highest-ranking African squad and reigning African champions — might be the team to finally break through that barrier. This is only the third time Senegal has qualified for the World Cup — they reached the quarter-finals in 2002 (losing on a golden goal in extra time) and narrowly missed the knockout stage in 2018 due to (of all things) fair play points. However, Senegal just got some horrific news — Sadio Mane, their best player, will miss the World Cup with an injury.
2. CANADA
Remember that one team I said had no chance of winning the World Cup yet had to be included in the Top 10? Behold, Canada! Unlike when it comes to hockey, our neighbors to the north are nowhere near our major rivals when it comes to soccer. That’s mostly because Canada has historically been awful. In fact, this is only the second time they’ve qualified for a World Cup. However, this might just be the best squad Canada has ever assembled. Is Canada a real contender to win the World Cup? No. Should we still support them regardless? Absolutely yes.
1. NETHERLANDS
Unquestionably the best soccer nation to never win the World Cup, the Netherlands has won a European title, gave the world Total Football, and produced several icons of the sport, most notably the great Johan Cruyff. But when it comes to the world’s biggest prize, the Netherlands are the ultimate bridesmaids, having reached three finals and five semi-finals (the most of any country to not win the World Cup). Is this the year they finally bring home the trophy? They have a young, talented squad and a meme manager. Plus, a Dutch title win would piss off Mexico.
THIS WEEK’S MATCHUPS
COCK COMMANDERS (8-2) VS. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-6)
In a matchup ten weeks in the making, the top two scoring teams — Cock Commanders and Dixie Normous — meet in a much-anticipated, innuendo-filled showdown. Naturally, both teams will be missing key players — Tyreek Hill, Jalen Waddle, Christian Kirk, and the Buccaneers defense are on byes. Still, between Joe Burrow, Jalen Hurts, Stefon Diggs, Dalvin Cook, Aaron Jones, and Josh Jacobs, there should still be some points thrown in there. At this point, the scoring title race may be between myself and Nick, so this could loom large in several ways.
WELL DAMN (7-3) VS. TEAM TBD (5-5)
Team TBD is down on its luck and needs a big win in order to avoid falling into the bad half of the group of teams currently at .500. Unfortunately for Kyle, he’s facing the hottest team in the league in Well Damn. Justin Fields should be in line for another spectacular performance, while Ja’Marr Chase’s production could be eaten up by Tee Higgins. Kyle had better hope the likes of Saquon Barkley, Dak Prescott, Tony Pollard, and the Eagles defense can build up a big lead, because Chriss will make a late charge with Christian McCaffrey and the Cardinals defense on Monday.
DOMINION WARRIORS (6-4) VS. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (4-6)
While I would say DOMINION WARRIORS is facing a bit of a crisis with Channel 4 News Team boasting the QB of Dad’s real life favorite football team, Dad has already bent over for his crush Pat Mahomes way too many times and has already devoted himself to the QB who made Jimmy Garoppolo and the 49ers his bitch in Super Bowl LIV. While Dad should easily take this one thanks to newly acquired TE Hayden Hurst, Arik’s lineup shouldn’t be taken lightly, even though Dad (at least on paper) should be able to counter some of his opponent’s best weapons.
THE KRISPY KRITTERS (5-5) VS. FOOTBALLDAMUS (3-7)
While the Krispy Kritters are somehow 3rd in the scoring race, Richard’s guys put up a stinker last week when it matters (just like his real life favorite football team). That being said, with Lamar Jackson and Joe Mixon back in the lineup, Richard is primed for a rebound and should get a boost in his playoff positioning. That’s because Footballdamus remains in last place and is easily the lowest-scoring team in the league. But stranger things have happened — Riaz is on a winning streak and would’ve beaten Richard last week also. Can Riaz somehow make it three in a row?
HOG WILD (5-5) VS. 49ERS (5-5)
I like to get this section done in advance and not wait until Thursday, but that means I sometimes miss out on roster moves in my previews. In this case however, I’m throwing my hands up. In 49ers’ quest to rip off Nick, Gee made one miscalculation — Tua Tagovailoa is on a bye this week, as is his current QB, Tom Brady. I don’t know who Gee will pick up, but I can’t write an accurate preview until he does and I don’t want to wait. Funnily, Hog Wild is starting a prize from another trade rape: Kyler Murray. At least there will be plenty of shit talking between Jimmy and Gee.
THREE EYED RAVENS (5-5) VS. ALREADY INVESTED $$ (3-7)
For the two most recently married men in this league, it appears the honeymoon phase is over — I’m talking about for their fantasy football teams, you sick fucks. Both Three Eyed Ravens and Already Invested $$ have dropped from the top half of the standings towards a point where both are fighting for their playoff lives. That’s especially the case for Emilio, who’s fallen into a tie for last place and can’t make many more mistakes. Ewing nearly avoided another rough loss last week and will need his firepower at full strength to prevent it from happening again this week.
ONE LAST THING
So, after all this talk about the World Cup, what do I actually think will happen in Qatar?
Group A has the potential for chaos, especially if the Netherlands falters. However, the Dutch seem to have gotten their shit together and, while perhaps not a tournament favorite, should at least sweep their group. It’s the battle for second which should be the most compelling. Qatar could spark some hope for home fans with an early win over Ecuador. However, Senegal is simply too talented to let Qatar get by them in the second match. Senegal is able to rebound from a loss to the Dutch by beating both Qatar and Ecuador to advance in the runner-up spot.
Group B has all of the political, historical, memeable matchups. Chief among them: England vs. the U.S. While many Americans are hoping for a win over the former colonists, I’m not blind enough to not see England winning that one. However, I can see them fucking up the other games, with Iran doing enough to earn a draw and Wales being enough of a pain in the ass to cause another draw. Therefore, England ends up finishing second while the U.S. fucks up a golden chance, crashing out of the tournament. Wales is left to come out on top of the group.
Group C may be the most predictable of any in this tournament, as long as anyone besides Robert Lewandowski shows up for Poland. Perhaps no game in the group matters more than the Matchday 1 clash between Poland and Mexico — the winner will be the clear favorite for second place. First and last are pretty much set in stone — Argentina should smash everyone, while Saudi Arabia will be the doormat. Even if Poland is iffy, this isn’t exactly the best Mexican team I’ve seen. Poland gets the crucial win over Mexico to advance behind Lionel Messi & Co.
Group D should be pretty clear cut as well — France, Denmark, Australia, and Tunisia should finish in that exact order. However, the French have been anything but consistent in major tournaments. The last time they entered the World Cup as defending champs, France failed to advance past the group stage. I’m not predicting that this time around. However, chaos could come with draws to both Denmark and Australia. Denmark will take advantage and top the group with two wins, while France advances in second place and gets the much tougher draw.
Group E is simple in that we should know which teams should advance — the real question lies in what order they will advance. With all due respect to Japan and Costa Rica, if anyone other than both Germany and Spain reach the knockout stage from this group, it will be a massive upset. The Spain-Germany clash will not only be a contender for best match of the group stage, but also determine who finishes first and second. I’ll give the top spot to Spain — they’ve looked a little better lately and Germany has a tendency to have one kinda crazy group stage match.
Group F is another potential “group of life” where I could see any team advancing. Yes, even Morocco (they got some bad luck in 2018). That being said, the favorites are Belgium (perhaps reaching the end of their golden generation), Croatia (older and worse than when they reached the 2018 final), and Canada (loveable underdogs boasting perhaps their best team ever). While I’d love to see our neighbors to the north make the knockout stage, there’s little chance either Luke Modric or Thibaut Courtois let that happen. Belgium wins the group, with Croatia second.
Group G drama will be exclusively saved for the battle for second place. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since they last won the tournament — Brazil will always be among the contenders for the trophy and favorites to win their group, which they will do once again. Switzerland should be the popular choice for second place, but they’ve been on an awful run of form lately. That being said, I don’t think either Serbia or Cameroon (each of whom barely qualified for the group stage) can take advantage. It may be decided in the third match, but Switzerland survives.
Group H may not be the “group of death” (I don’t think there is one in this tournament), but it should provide plenty of fireworks. Portugal and Uruguay aren’t afraid of getting physical, while Ghana and South Korea may have to resort to physicality to get to the knockout stage. Still, Uruguay and Portugal are the two clear favorites in the group. Uruguay is on an incredible run in 2022, while Portugal has Cristiano Ronaldo. In the end, Portugal wants to get revenge for Uruguay eliminating them in 2018 — they get the first spot, while Uruguay finishes runner-up.
Now you may notice one side of the bracket may seem a bit more stacked than the other. This kind of thing has happened in major tournaments recently and it continues this time. In the “Salty Spitoon” half, England and the Netherlands kick things off with the favorite for “match of the round.” Unfortunately for England, their streak of deep tournament runs ends with a late surge from the Dutch. But at least they’ll see their rivals drop out as well — France’s title defense ends as Argentina gets revenge for 2018 (in the same round as well). Spain eventually breaks down a game but ultimately outmatched Croatia, while a slugfest between South American rivals ends with Brazil edging out Uruguay. On the “Weenie Hut Jr’s” side of the bracket, Senegal and Wales (rightfully) look like they’ve never been this far in a long time. However, Wales has more bottling experience and Senegal moves on. Meanwhile, Denmark wins the battle of red and white European teams over Poland, while the neighborly brawl between Germany and Belgium ends how things usually do historically (Germany winning). Portugal wraps things up by taking down a slowly overwhelmed Switzerland.
For the second time in the past three World Cups, Argentina and the Netherlands meet in the knockout stage. Unfortunately for the Dutch, the usual result remains the same, with Argentina moving on. Meanwhile, we either get the match of the tournament or the most disappointing as Spain takes on Brazil. Ultimately, Brazil fails its first true non-South American test and yet again fails to claim its sixth star. On the other side of the bracket, everything seems to be in place for Senegal to be the first African nation to reach the World Cup semi-finals. However, in tune with the history of African soccer, something will go wrong and Denmark ends up making a surprising semi-finals appearance. Germany puts a nice bow on the quarter-finals by proving once again that they simply have Portugal’s number.
In a matchup filled with storylines that have been building up for decades, Messi’s home country of Argentina takes on Messi’s adopted country of Spain. Home ends up being where the heart is, with Argentina barely escaping in a batshit crazy game. In the less talked about matchup, Denmark bravely fights on as long as they can, but in a late loss to Germany, they go out in the semi-finals for the second straight tournament. The final is set — for the fourth time in history and the second time in eight years, Argentina and Germany meet in the World Cup Final. Unlike after the 2014 clash, Messi does not walk past the trophy in defeat. Instead, he gets revenge for the previous final and lifts the trophy for Argentina’s third World Cup championship. Please. He absolutely deserves this.
Alright, see you boys in a month. Time to dive head first into all things “football.” Let’s go, USA!
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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