Did you guys know Lindsey Scott started playing college football in 2016? Yep, he redshirted his first year at LSU, then left after Les Miles was fired. He transferred to East Mississippi Community College, where he first lit the world on fire, leading the Lions to the 2017 NJCAA National Championship. He then transferred to Missouri, where he served as the scout team QB until a torn meniscus led to him being granted a medical redshirt season. Scott transferred yet again, this time to Nicholls State, where he sat out the 2019 season due to the transfer. Scott played for the Colonels for the next two seasons, but he wasn’t done. Because that first season was shortened (and played in the spring of 2021) due to the pandemic, Scott was granted an extra season of eligibility. That’s how a 24-year-old Scott found himself in his seventh CFB season, leading Incarnate Word to the FCS playoffs. It was with the Cardinals where Scott accomplished his greatest feat, taking ownership of the Sacramento State Hornets football team (besides the defense, which of course doesn’t exist) in a 66-63 quarter-final win this past Friday.
Seriously, how the fuck did Sac State blow that game? The Hornets used an astonishing 38:28 time of possession to run 109 plays from scrimmage, gaining 738 yards and scoring 63 points. How the holy shit is that not enough to get a win? The fucking Kennedy HS defense could have gone out and given up fewer points than that. What a disappointing way to end the greatest season in school history. Plus, with Troy Taylor immediately bolting to Stanford the following day, it may be a long time before the Hornets ever reach these highs again.
You know the worst part about this loss? We don’t get a Sac State-themed newsletter! I promised that if the Hornets made the semi-finals, I’d make them the theme. However, they fell one win short. If you Sac State grads are pissed, imagine how I feel! I had everything lined up — I was going to compare the eight Epic League playoff members to players on Sac State (I was going to be Cameron Skattebo, Chriss and Dad were going to be Jake Dunniway and Asher O’Hara). Suddenly I had to come up with a good theme in less than a week.
I started to think of some ideas. I thought about everything from rain (it’s been raining a lot lately) to concepts like “moving” (as you know I’m moving to Elk Grove on Saturday) and “day” (I recently moved to the 5 p.m. show, giving myself a normal “dayside” schedule). I almost dedicated the newsletter to Grant Wahl, the iconic soccer journalist whose unexpected death while covering the World Cup in Qatar is at best incredibly tragic and at worst a Jamal Khashoggi-esque controversy. I might’ve done that anyway had this not been the playoff preview newsletter and I wanted things to begin on a positive note.
As it turns out, I merely had to wait a few hours for my inspiration.
Regardless of what happens in the final on Sunday, Morocco’s incredible run has a great chance of ending up as THE story of the 2022 World Cup. Before this tournament, Morocco had only won two World Cup matches in their history. All they did in Qatar was top a group that contained the 2nd and 3rd place teams from the 2018 tournament (beating Belgium in the process), then eliminate both Spain and Portugal (their close neighbors and former imperial rulers) en route to becoming the first African country and Arab country to reach the World Cup semi-finals. While they were thought of by some as a dark horse for a deep run due to their youth and growing talent, no one expected them to do this, all while only giving up one goal (an own goal) on their path to the semi-finals. Although their amazing run came to an end against France (the defending champions), there’s absolutely no shame in their defeat and hopefully the Atlas Lions will receive nothing but praise. These history-makers deserve it.
There’s another reason I wanted to choose Morocco as the theme. It’s technically a repeat theme — I did a Moroccan-themed newsletter back when I visited the country in 2018 (before I nearly literally shit my guts out). However, because of the terrible internet in Morocco and me being on vacation and not necessarily giving a shit, it was kind of a half-assed effort (there weren’t even matchup pictures). So I wanted a shot at redemption. Finally, I get my chance.
Plus, because of Morocco being the first African World Cup semi-finalist, I get to use the GOAT World Cup theme song.
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
COCK COMMANDERS (12-2) DEF. DOMINION WARRIORS (9-5)
111.46 – 102.38
Well, that’s not how I expected the highest-scoring matchup of the week to end. DOMINION WARRIORS needed just over ten points from Rhamondre Stevenson, only to see him leave early with an injury. This followed an injury to Deebo Samuel, a catchless day from Foster Moreau, and having Tyreek Hill (20 points) score a TD against him by literally picking up a fumble and running it into the end zone. I guess it was karma for all of the good luck needed to make Denver’s offense work and spring Jerry Jeudy (25 points) to life. But it was Jeudy, Pat Mahomes (22 points), Tyler Lockett (13 points), and the Bills defense (12 points) who led the way for Dad in this one. While Cock Commanders didn’t exactly play terribly, they needed that big game from Hill, who — along with Josh Jacobs (17 points) — were the only roster spots to excel this past weekend. Still, this solid but not spectacular performance was enough to get it done. Dad will feel snakebitten and a bit upset that he couldn’t pull off the sweep of his son.
WELL DAMN (9-5) DEF. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM (7-7)
115.00 – 95.28
Well damn, this one was weird — right, Well Damn? First, let’s take a look at Chriss’ lineup. Derek Carr absolutely sucked, Tee Higgins showed up for like one play and then was out, and both Tyler Higbee and Leonard Fournette were awful. So how did Chriss even keep this competitive, let alone have the lead going into Monday? Enter Miles Sanders and Christian McCaffrey, each of whom scored 27 points and served as the twin halves of the engine that drove Chriss’ offense. Then we look at Channel 4 News Team, who saw awful efforts from Mike Evans, Nick Chubb, and Michael Gallup. While Austin Ekeler (16 points) and David Njoku (11 points) played well, that doesn’t quite explain Arik’s good performance. For that, we look to Jared Goff (26 points), who went ham on the Vikings and might be playing his best football ever. But the key to Arik’s win was (of all things) the Patriots defense, who took advantage of a season-ending injury to Kyler Murray (of all things) to score 20 points and dominate a depleted Cardinals offense. Like I said, weird.
TEAM TBD (8-6) DEF. HOG WILD (6-8)
111.26 – 81.16
When the Cowboys are rolling, his offense is simply unstoppable. I guess sometimes it pays to be a homer for your favorite team, right Rich–I mean Kyle? That’s right, Kyle might just become a heathen Dallas fan with the way Ezekiel Elliott (15 points) and Tony Pollard (18 points) are running the football. Sure, Dak Prescott didn’t have the best day, but Team TBD didn’t need him to be at his peak. Ja’Marr Chase (18 points) played great and the rest of the roster was solid enough (with the exception of Saquon Barkley) to make it a nice effort overall. As for Hog Wild, Geno Smith (22 points) was definitely the right pick at QB and A.J. Brown (13 points) was his usual productive self. That’s about all of the compliments Jimmy’s roster deserved. Davante Adams was merely pedestrian, CeeDee Lamb didn’t get in on that Cowboys offensive outburst, and the Titans defense actually took points away from Jimmy. Still, based on other results Jimmy was able to sneak into the playoffs. Maybe his team was saving their best for now (fuck).
THE KRISPY KRITTERS (7-7) DEF. DIXIE NORMOUS (4-10)
87.02 – 80.58
As Syrio Forel once said to Arya Stark, “what do we say to the god of death?” Richard, like the young Stark girl, answered, “not today.” I can’t believe I just made a Game of Thrones reference, and that the Krispy Kritters managed to gut out a win and book a spot in the playoffs despite losing Lamar Jackson. Richard can’t even thank Tyler Huntley (who sucked and got injured) or Mike Gesicki (scoreless) for doing so. Actually, apart from Juju Smith-Schuster (14 points), Adam Thielen (12 points), and Roquan Smith (14 points), Richard’s win was arguably due to Dixie Normous completely shitting the bed. I say this of course without including Jalen Hurts (30 points) and J.K. Dobbins (18 points). Apart from them, Nick’s roster was largely shit, putting him closer to last place than the last spot in the playoffs. Indeed, that 200-point effort 12 weeks ago seems like a long-distant memory. While he likely would’ve made it in based on total points scored, Richard now locks up a postseason berth — whether he can win again without Jackson is another matter.
THREE EYED RAVENS (7-7) DEF. I’M QUITTING (6-8)
115.78 – 56.90
Gentlemen, we will officially be crowning a new champion this season. After back-to-back-to-back Epic Bowl appearances and a reign of terror not seen since a Targaryen sat on the Iron Throne (holy shit I did it again), Gee’s reign on top comes to an end like this — getting doubled up by the guy you share a name with and then having to give yourself a whipped cream pie to the face. You know it’s truly the end of an era when Gee finally does away with his longtime “49ers” name in favor of “I’m Quitting.” Even though he had a shot to extend his reign with a win, it looks like Gee put in his two weeks and then straight up bailed (Zonovan Knight [13 points] was his best player). All of this — Gee losing, the whipped cream, a playoff berth on the line, these Game of Thrones references — is music to Ewing’s ears. Jerick McKinnon (25 points), Josh Allen (20 points), James Conner (17 points), D.K. Metcalf (13 points), and DeVonta Smith (12 points) led a Three Eyed Ravens convoy that gave Ewing one last Tyler Bowl win and punched his postseason ticket.
ALREADY INVESTED $$ (5-9) DEF. FOOTBALLDAMUS (4-10)
103.28 – 90.06
For perhaps the first time in Epic League history, we got to witness a true Toilet Bowl — the two worst teams in the league facing off, with the loser guaranteed to finish last. True to form, Already Invested $$ and Footballdamus put on a show, with twists and turns fitting for a game involving much better teams. Emilio got a lot from Derrick Henry (17 points) and most of his AFC West players — Justin Herbert (19 points), Mike Williams (17 points), and the Chiefs defense (12 points). Riaz got a big game from Justin Jefferson (22 points) and Ryan Tannehill (19 points) didn’t do awful. But there were also a lot of gaping holes in the lineups, with stars who greatly underperformed. In the end, it came down to two bad breaks. First, Kyler Murray’s injury limited DeAndre Hopkins’ production and hampered Riaz’s comeback chances. But most importantly, Riaz left Derwin James in his lineup, despite him being injured. Such a perfect example of bad fantasy football management is a fitting way to become the inaugural winner of the Jop.
STANDINGS
FINAL LEAGUE STANDINGS:
- Cock Commanders (12-2)*
- Well Damn (9-5)*
- DOMINION WARRIORS (9-5)*
- Team TBD (8-6)*
- Channel 4 News Team (7-7)*
- The Krispy Kritters (7-7)*
- Three Eyed Ravens (7-7)*
- Hog Wild (6-8)*
- I’m Quitting (6-8)e
- Already Invested (5-9)e
- Dixie Normous (4-10)e
- Footballdamus (4-10)e
* clinched playoffs
e eliminated
FINAL PUSH FOR THE POSTER:
- Cock Commanders (1679.54)
- Dixie Normous (1477.06)
- Team TBD (1467.04)
- Channel 4 News Team (1454.36)
- The Krispy Kritters (1448.72)
- Well Damn (1446.76)
- DOMINION WARRIORS (1446.64)
- Hog Wild (1410.42)
- Three Eyed Ravens (1404.84)
- Already Invested $$ (1389.48)
- I’m Quitting (1269.52)
- Footballdamus (1180.20)
BEST & WORST
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: I hate to have to give this pick to a player on a rival team (who went against me no less), but Jerry Jeudy has to be the call here. Despite the Broncos offense playing like shit, DOMINION WARRIORS stuck with Jeudy. Dad was finally rewarded, as Denver finally woke up and Jeudy finished with 25 points. It likely would’ve been enough for a win, if not for some terrible luck.
WORST: With his back against the wall, the defending champion went out by getting his ass absolutely handed to him. The I’m Quitting roster (minus Zonovan Knight) must’ve taken the team name change to heart, because they failed to combine for even 60 points. The reign of Gee is officially over, with the title holder missing the playoffs by literally and figuratively getting creamed.
TRANSACTION
BEST (NOT): Chriss should’ve had this award locked down twice over. With several players on a bye, Chubba Hubbard and Evan Engram were added to Well Damn. Both choices ended up being wise — Engram got 28 points, while Hubbard had 15 of his own. But, I cannot in good conscience give Chriss the nod because both Engram and Hubbard were left on the bench.
WORST: While this move didn’t exactly mean much in the grand scheme of things, I had to point it out. With Deshaun Watson back, Jimmy had no choice but to cut Jacoby Brissett. However, he had the option to not add the Titans defense and put them in the Wild Hogs lineup. Tennessee got absolutely shellacked to the tune of -4 points, which was kind of a theme for Jimmy’s team.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: Given that Joe Burrow had yet to beat the Browns in his entire career, you could’ve made an easy argument that Channel 4 News Team should’ve started Cleveland’s defense over that of New England this past weekend. However, Burrow finally woke up and torched the Browns. In the meantime, the Patriots gave Arik 20 points (and a win) and moved him up in the standings.
WORST: Despite a shitty day from Derek Carr and a catchless outing from Tee Higgins, Chriss still likely should’ve beaten Channel 4 News Team. How could he have turned around that 20-point margin of defeat? Take a look at the bench, where Evan Engram’s 28-point eruption went to waste. Had Well Damn included Engram over Tyler Higbee, Chriss would’ve gotten the victory.
LUCK
BEST: When Lamar Jackson went down, Richard thought any hopes of a future win were likely dashed. However, when he needed a win to secure a playoff spot, the Krispy Kritters were able to get the job done, despite Tyler Huntley doing jack shit in Jackson’s absence and Mike Gesicki putting up a goose egg. This was largely because Dixie Normous had an extremely shitty week.
WORST: Dad is one of only two people two have beaten me this year and quite frankly should have two victories. However, DOMINION WARRIORS had some extraordinarily shitty luck. Not only did Foster Moreau go without a catch, but both Deebo Samuel and Rhamondre Stevenson left early due to injury. Given the close margin of defeat, Dad can argue he was robbed of a win.
IN MEMORIAM
12. FOOTBALLDAMUS
When asking what went wrong for Footballdamus this season, the short answer is: everything. Let’s start with the draft — both of Riaz’s QBs (Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Tannehill) took a huge step back, Dalton Schultz and Courtland Sutton did largely nothing, and the risk of holding on to DeAndre Hopkins didn’t pay off. Keenan Allen, D’Andre Swift, and Elijah Mitchell would face injuries. Aside from Justin Jefferson, no one on Riaz’s roster was consistently amazing. This led to a seven-game losing streak that followed a Week 1 win, with not a lot of points being scored during this time. Sure, Riaz would get a few wins back towards the end, but that lack of scoring would come back to bite him for the last place tiebreaker. To be honest though, that’s not exactly a tragedy. There were several weeks where Riaz forgot to make crucial roster adjustments, which resulted in either wasted points on the bench or outright victory turning into defeat. When you put it all together, we have a worthy first ever recipient of the Jop and all the horror that comes with it.
11. DIXIE NORMOUS
Flash back to Week 2 — Dixie Normous puts up an Epic League record 200.92 points in a huge statement win over Well Damn. Everyone thought Nick was on his path to a top playoff seed. Even after a couple of losses, halfway through the season Nick was 4-3 and riding a three-game winning streak. However, today he’s finished — separated from last place by a simple tiebreaker. So what the hell happened? Well, while Jalen Hurts was the epitome of consistent greatness, the rest of Nick’s roster kind of fell off. Breece Hall got hurt, Stefon Diggs, D.J. Moore, and Aaron Jones became inconsistent, Jalen Waddle was solid but not spectacular, and the Buccaneers defense fell off a fucking cliff. What didn’t help was Nick’s strategy of hoarding three different starting caliber QBs (Hurts, Tua Tagovailoa, and Kirk Cousins). Cousins was wasted on his bench and the eventual trade return for Tagovailoa was far too little, far too late. Much like his recent golf outing, Nick came out of the gates on fire but collapsed late to finish as the second-worst player.
10. I’M ALREADY INVESTED $$
Welcome back to the league, Emilio! Here’s a season of being snakebitten and narrowly avoiding the bottom of the standings. The story of I’m Already Invested $$ could be explained with two matchups — Week 2 (a loss by .10 points) and Week 4 (a loss despite scoring 140 points). Turn those two results around and Emilio makes the playoffs. However, despite that shitty luck, there were several chances to pick up the necessary victories to still be alive. There was a stretch of eight games where Emilio lost seven times, only topping 100 points twice during that time. The great QB experiment ended with an extremely mixed bag from Justin Herbert and a poor return for Kyler Murray. Derrick Henry and Travis Kelce were great, but Mike Williams and J.K. Dobbins battled injuries, Brandin Cooks and Marquise Brown were largely ineffective, and many of the free agency moves Emilio made didn’t exactly work out. When Emilio’s roster had it together, he was tough to beat. However, there was far too much inconsistency to reach the playoffs after all.
9. I’M QUITTING
So this is how it ends — a run of three straight Epic Bowl appearances (and one victory) comes to a close, not with a bang, but a whimper. I don’t know whether it was bad luck finally collecting its due, the fact that we got him high during the draft, or just simply “shit happening,” but Gee just didn’t have it this year. Someone who is always near the top of the standings hovered instead near the bottom for the entire season. Seemingly sure bets on guys like Tom Brady, Jonathan Taylor, and Mark Andrews didn’t work out. Gee’s usual plethora of moves couldn’t change his trajectory and desperate moves (like trading away David Montgomery, George Kittle, and D.K. Metcalf for Cooper Kupp) backfired spectacularly. Gee’s reign of terror lasted all the way until the end of the regular season, but no further than that. In the end, the one constant about Gee’s Epic League tenure — the name “49ers” — would go as well. As it turns out, “I’m Quitting” wasn’t just something Gee pulled out of a hat — you’ll have to find out more at the end of this newsletter.
OUR ATLAS LIONS
Let’s do that thing where I compare each playoff team to something related to the newsletter theme — in this case, famous Morrocans!
1. COCK COMMANDERS
This is so fucking strange. I’ve never been the favorite, the dominant regular season team. Yet here the Cock Commanders stand, cleaning up the regular season awards and painting the biggest target on their backs for the playoffs. Much like Moroccan legend Just Fontaine — owner of the World Cup record for most goals scored in a single tournament (13 in 1958) — the offensive power of this squad has been on another level. On paper, no one can touch this team. However, championships are not won on paper. There’s a lot of luck that can turn bad — quickly. I just hope my team didn’t peak too early with its wins in recent weeks. I’m bracing for the inevitable early playoff upset and tidal wave of shit talking I’m gonna get from the rest of you. It’ll hurt a lot.
2. WELL DAMN
Perhaps more than anyone in this league, Chriss appreciates that the race for a championship is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m not just saying that because he’s a runner — Well Damn started out 0-2 and on the receiving end of a 200-point outburst. Then, eight out the next nine games turned into wins, with Chriss emerging as a true title contender. Justin Fields can perform at levels not seen since prime Michael Vick, while Miles Sanders and Christian McCaffrey make a terrifying RB duo. As a runner, Chriss knows it’s best to turn on the jets as the race goes on, becoming the best at the end. That’s why it’s a perfect analogy to pair Chriss up with Hicham El Guerrouj — arguably the greatest middle distance runner of all time. That and the fact they’re both runners.
3. DOMINION WARRIORS
Arguably Morocco’s best player during the World Cup, Yassine Bounou — known as “Bono” — has been absolutely immense in goal throughout the tournament. Although they’ve been succeeding, Bounou and Morocco haven’t exactly gotten the sexiest headlines, often being talked about less than the Argentinas and Frances of the world. That (and the fact that Dad played goalkeeper in his adult soccer leagues) makes the comparison with DOMINION WARRIORS all the better. Dad has been consistently chugging along, coming within less than .2 points for the second spot in the standings. However, Pat Mahomes may have to carry the load once again, as Dad is dealing with big injuries to Deebo Samuel and Rhamondre Stevenson (not to mention Darren Waller).
4. TEAM TBD
One of Morocco’s best players during this World Cup has been Achraf Hakimi, an incredible defender and (along with Yassine Bounou) the anchors of the Atlas Lions’ amazing back line. Because he’s not the goalkeeper, his contributions can often go overlooked, much like Team TBD was overlooked after a 2-3 start to the season. However, Kyle’s squad has been among the most potent in the league since then, winning six of its last nine games to not only make the playoffs, but finish in the top half of the standings. Dak Prescott has bounced back nicely, Amon-Ra St. Brown and Ja’Marr Chase have been explosive weapons, and Ezekiel Elliott and Tony Pollard have been rolling along as of late. Kyle can truly beat any opponent who gets in his way.
5. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
What a turnaround for Channel 4 News Team — from 2-5 and a competitor for the Jop to a 5-2 run to end the season and a Top 5 regular season finish. Arik is coming alive at the right time Jared Goff has suddenly become better than he ever was before the trade and Nick Chubb and Austin Ekeler are a formidable RB tandem. But even during his recent winning swing, Arik’s lineup has been a roller coaster — either a lot of offense or none at all. Although I’m not exactly an expert on the subject, Arik’s roster either plays like they’re on cocaine or passed out after snorting cocaine. That reminds me of Karim Kharbouch, AKA French Montana, a rapper who founded Cocaine City Records and Coke Boys Records. Look, finding famous Moroccans to compare isn’t easy.
6. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
While Emmanuelle Chriqui was born in Canada, both her parents were born in Morocco. Chriqui first came to prominence with her role as Sloan McQuewick on Entourage, with her up-and-down relationship with Eric “E” Murphy being one of the longest, most eventful plots in the entire series. When it comes to roller coasters, the Krispy Kritters can definitely relate. Richard’s squad is all over the place, having lost or won in almost every conceivable fashion this season. Once 1-4 and considered an afterthought, Richard won five of his next six games and ended with a winning record. However, that push came at a cost — Lamar Jackson remains sidelined for at least one more game. Can the likes of Joe Mixon, Alvin Kamara, and Jamaal Williams keep Richard going?
7. THREE EYED RAVENS
The only Moroccan to win a Nobel Prize is Serge Haroche, who (along with David Wineland) took home the 2012 Nobel Prize for Physics for “ground-breaking experimental methods that enable measuring and manipulation of individual quantum systems.” If you can tell me what that means, you can probably explain how Three Eyed Ravens made the playoffs. Sure, Ewing began the season 4-0, but five straight losses suddenly put him on the outside looking in. It wasn’t a smooth end to the season — still, Ewing managed to avoid enough losses at the end to sneak in during the last week. Anyone who has the likes of Josh Allen, DeVonta Smith, D.K. Metcalf, James Conner, and George Kittle has the potential to go far. Can Ewing manage to pull it off?
8. HOG WILD
Before you ask, yes, Omri Casspi is from Israel. However, his family history can be traced back to Morocco, so it counts. Much like Casspi — known for his excellent three-point shooting and seemingly random ability to go off on offense — Hog Wild can score plenty of points. However, much like Casspi, Jimmy’s best work is often overshadowed by his opponent or by being stuck with a losing effort. Still, those points mattered in the end, as Jimmy returns to the playoffs with revenge on his mind. Armed with the always dangerous Davante Adams and A.J. Brown, the resurgent Geno Smith, and the likes of CeeDee Lamb and T.J. Hockenson, Jimmy could very well make waves — starting against someone who beat him twice and (probably) won’t do so again.
STATS OF THE MONTH
There is nothing I want to happen at the end of the season than for the Detroit Lions to make the playoffs. After a slow start, Detroit has been on fire recently, with Jared Goff seemingly getting better and better. The Lions are also getting healthier and better — enter Jameson Williams. Goff has had such an up-and-down career that we all believed he would last just a season (maybe two) in the Motor City. But maybe that trade for Matt Stafford will end up being a lot more even than we thought it would be. If the Lions make the playoffs, there’s a good chance they would rematch the Minnesota Vikings, who they just destroyed. But those Vikings make up for a lack of defense with a strong offense, led by a potentially GOAT WR.
What Justin Jefferson has done since entering the NFL is simply fucking absurd. He could go down as one of the best pass catchers in football history. But whenever a young WR gets compared to Jerry Rice (arguably the GOAT NFL player ever), there’s something everyone forgets — the true mark of Rice’s career was how well he performed as he got older. He was putting up incredible numbers when most WRs are falling off the face of the earth. Hell, Rice played for 22 seasons (he was like 43 when he retired). Not to disparage anything that the likes of Jefferson, Ja’Marr Chase, Tyreek Hill, Davante Adams, or any other amazing WR are doing right now. But when you compare someone to Rice, have some perspective.
Speaking of (one of) Rice’s old teams…
MONTHLY 49ERS FUSTIAN
That had to be one of the most cathartic wins in recent 49ers history.
It’s tough to point out anything San Francisco did badly in its complete and utter ass whooping of Tom Brady and the Buccaneers. It was also funny to see all of Brady’s family members pack Levi’s Stadium only to see him get his ass kicked. I can’t believe Tampa Bay will probably make the playoffs — this year’s NFC South might end up taking the title of worst NFL division ever.
If I had to levy criticism against San Francisco, it would be their inability to avoid injury. Seriously, what ancient burial ground did the 49ers build Levi’s Stadium on? That’s the only way I can explain the insane series of injuries they’ve gone through. The latest: Deebo Samuel. Hopefully, the injury isn’t serious enough to keep him out of the playoffs. Although, if the 49ers can avoid playing a team like the Dallas Cowboys in the Wild Card round, they might be able to afford another week of rest for Samuel.
That, of course, depends on whether or not San Francisco can take the NFC West. The 49ers got a big help from — of all teams — the NFC South’s Carolina Panthers, who beat the Seahawks this past weekend. That makes tonight’s showdown in Seattle all the more important. If the 49ers win, the West will be won. The Seahawks need to be victorious in order to stay alive for the division race and quite possibly the playoffs. A lot has changed since Week 2’s ass-whooping at the hands of San Francisco. For one, Trey Lance was the 49ers’ starting QB. Two season-ending injuries later and “Mr. Irrelevant” has become arguably the most important player in a crucial matchup of two of the NFL’s biggest rivals. But Brock Purdy has hardly put a foot wrong and should be good to go tonight. Plus, Christian McCaffrey has been balling the fuck out enough to drag San Francisco to the division title by himself.
Just take care of business tonight and life for the 49ers will be much easier…
… what? Were you expecting something else in this section? Maybe another team?
Well guess what — I’m taking a stand. A certain other, silver and black-colored team has caused me nothing but misery this season. First they lose to a team who just fired their head coach in favor of an ESPN analyst, then to a team led by a QB they signed off waivers two days beforehand. It’s one thing if this team was just shitty — I’ve dealt with that plenty of times before. But the disappointing results combined with the objectively shit coaching and the owner’s apparent refusal to do nothing but put his head in the sand and pretend everything’s hunky-dory give me no hope. I can’t even shitpost a loss or look for other memes — this team is just fucking sad. So what’s it even worth to talk about them? It’s not like they’ve magically turned things around and managed to avoid a situation in which a playoff team from the previous year is suddenly imploding and could be chucked into a rebuild all because of one head coach. Also, my mental health has been so much better now that I haven’t had to talk about this team for a while. No suffering, no heartbreak, no pain. Just water off a duck’s back. If I can avoid even mentioning this team again, it would be nothing but fantastic.
Now then, what to write about for this “#ThrowbackThursday”…
…..no.
It can’t be…
No.
NO.
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
……………….
…………………………….
….. hehe…
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On December 15, 2019, the Raiders played their final game in Oakland. Technically, this was the second “final” game in Oakland. After their relocation to Las Vegas was approved in 2017, the Raiders stated their intention to not see out the final year of their lease at RingCentral Coliseum and would instead leave Oakland after the 2018 season. As shitty as the relocation situation was, the Silver and Black at least seemingly ended their 24-year, second stint in the Bay Area on a high note. On a Christmas Eve edition of Monday Night Football, the Raiders came out on top in a fun 27-14 win over the rival Denver Broncos. It was as perfect as it could get. Naturally, it got fucked up thanks to Mark Davis writing checks his team couldn’t cash. Amid multiple legal battles and despite negotiations with venues like Sam Boyd Stadium (UNLV), Mackay Stadium (Reno), Cal Memorial Stadium, Levi’s Stadium, Oracle Park, and even the Alamodome, the Raiders ended up going back to Oakland — tail between legs — and eventually reaching a deal to play the 2019 season at RingCentral Coliseum. The Raiders would play one more year in a city and in front of fans that had now twice seen a “final” game in Oakland. It was kind of an ugly situation, but perhaps it could be smoothed out once the season finally began, right?
Nope. After a draft that gave the Raiders Josh Jacobs, Maxx Crosby, and Hunter Renfrow (sigh, and Clelin Ferrell and Johnathan Abram) and an offseason highlighted by a little thing called the Antonio Brown saga (I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that), the season itself was a fucking rollercoaster. After a season-opening win against those same Broncos in the same venue as that Christmas Eve classic, Oakland was smacked twice in a row, including a 20-point loss to the Minnesota Vikings. But back-to-back wins, including a London victory over the Chicago Bears (who just the previous year had partnered with the Raiders on a controversial trade I’ve also never mentioned before), followed. While two straight losses put a damper on things, a three-game winning streak (all in Oakland) left the Raiders at 6-4 and ignited hope of a possible playoff berth. Then the wheels came falling off. A 34-3 ass whooping to the New York Jets began a three-game losing streak, with each defeat coming by at least 21 points. At 6-7 and with those playoff hopes hanging on by a thread, the Raiders needed to win out to have a realistic chance. The next game was the last home contest on the schedule — and potentially the last ever in Oakland — with the 4-9 Jacksonville Jaguars coming to town on a five-game losing streak of their own.
While a random afternoon game against a random team from the East Coast was a far cry from the Monday night Christmas Eve showdown with an ancient rival that the previous year’s home finale had been, the Raiders nonetheless got things off right with a 40-yard TD to Tyrell Williams within the first four minutes. That would be pretty much all the offense for the first three quarters, though the leg of Daniel Carlson had given Oakland a 16-6 lead going into the final frame. But then a combination of Garnder Minshew clutchness and Raiders shittiness began to yield results. Minshew drove Jacksonville down the field, hitting Chris Conley for a TD with 5:15 left to cut the lead to 16-13. The Raiders tried to milk the clock and put the game away, and had seemingly done just that when Derek Carr slid for a 1st down with just over two minutes left. However, in classic fashion, the referees fucked over the Raiders by incorrectly ruling that Carr went out of bounds, stopping the clock. What’s more, the confusion over the call resulted in a delay of game penalty, which quite possibly impacted the 50-yard FG attempt by Carlson shortly after. Carlson missed and the Jaguars had great field position. Minshew took advantage, finding Conley in the end zone again with just 31 seconds left to give Jacksonville the lead. The Raiders drove down to the 40-yard line, but in the final NFL play ever at Oakland, Carr’s hail mary pass was knocked away in the end zone, as the Raiders fell to the Jaguars 20-16 in a shocking collapse.
Quite frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever been as pissed off after a football game as I was after this. The combination of the disappointment, disgust, and disgrace I felt after seeing the Raiders say goodbye to Oakland by blowing a 14-point lead to the fucking Jaguars of all teams and all but ending their playoff chances may remain unmatched in my lifetime. But of course, the pain wasn’t over. The official end of an era wouldn’t come until two games later, when a loss in Denver put a merciful end to the 2019 season. The Raiders would then finally pack up their things in Oakland and make the move to Las Vegas, with Allegiant Stadium complete at last. However, because of the pandemic, that choke job against Jacksonville would remain the last Raiders home game with fans in attendance until 2021. Ironically, the first season in Sin City would play out almost exactly how the last one in Oakland did, with the 6-3 Raiders collapsing down the stretch to finish 8-8 (at least they won in Denver to end the year this time). Why am I telling you all this? Why am I rehashing all of this painful history? It just happened — you all saw it happen. What benefit is there to keep talking about this pain? You know what, maybe I just need to let it all out. Maybe that’s the only way for this to properly go away and for the scars to heal as best as they can. In the next newsletter — the last one of the season — it’s time to vent out all the Raiders fan pain.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 2002: Marvin Harrison catches nine passes in the Indianapolis Colts’ 28-23 win over the Cleveland Browns, breaking Herman Moore’s single season receptions record of 123
— 1997: The San Francisco 49ers defeat the Denver Broncos 34-17 on Monday Night Football in a game best remembered for Joe Montana having his No. 16 jersey retired by the 49ers
— 1982: Bill Parcells gets his first NFL head coaching gig, taking over the New York Giants after Ray Perkins left to succeed Paul “Bear” Bryant as head coach of the University of Alabama
— 1946: The Chicago Bears defeat the New York Giants 24-14 to win their fifth NFL title, in front of a then-record 58,346 fans in the final NFL title game played at New York City’s Polo Grounds
— 1935: The Detroit Lions defeat the New York Giants 26-7 to win their first NFL title, playing their part in a stretch of success that would see Detroit dubbed the “City of Champions” (seriously)
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 REASONS THE SAN DIEGO PADRES CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES
Speaking of needing to vent, move over, Houston Astros — I have a new second-most hated MLB team.
HONORABLE MENTION: THEY ALREADY TOOK ORSILLO
For 14 years, Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy were the greatest commentary team in MLB (yes, even better than Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper). Then in 2015 for some inexplicable reason NESN fired Orsillo, who was hired by the Padres a year later. While neither Orsillo nor San Diego were to blame, I’m still sad Orsillo isn’t calling Boston Red Sox games anymore and I miss him greatly.
HONORABLE MENTION: PROXIMITY TO THE CHARGERS
For 47 years, the Padres played in the same city as the Chargers (sharing the same home venue for 34 of those years). During their time in San Diego, at least some of the Chargers’ shittiness must have rubbed off on the Padres, which would explain a lot. While I’m not just talking about their uniforms (literally the colors of piss and shit), there’s still some unique Padre awfulness.
HONORABLE MENTION: CITY CONNECT UNIFORMS
Speaking of uniforms, what in the holy mother of fuck were Nike’s designers smoking when they came up with the San Diego’s City Connect threads? They’re a complete eyesore, though it gives people yet another reason not to watch the Padres. I know these have been generally hit or miss, but this is a bigger miss than Bartolo Colon at the plate (albeit not when he’s playing the Padres).
10. THE SWINGING FRIAR
Speaking of horrifying things to look at, has anyone else noticed the Padres’ mascot is fucking stupid? The Swinging Friar is a fat, grown ass man with a shitty haircut wearing nothing but a robe. That’s supposed to be endearing and popular with kids? Also, take a look at the logo with the Swinging Friar on it. There’s no baseball to be found, so effectively the Friar is swinging at nothing, which is I guess fitting for San Diego. Given the meaning behind what a “padre” is supposed to be, the Swinging Friar might be the worst thing to happen to religion since atheism.
9. THESE FUCKING GUYS
Remember when San Diego beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the playoffs and had America in its corner? Then, this group of Padres fans went on TV and busted out arguably the cringiest, most awful “hype song” in baseball history before Game 1 of the NLCS? Yeah, I didn’t feel bad in the slightest when the Philadelphia Phillies proceeded to beat the fuck out of the Padres, especially when another group made a second song. It’s like when the kid everyone picks on finally gets to perform in front of everyone at the school talent show, then immediately throws up on stage.
8. OVERALL HISTORIC AWFULNESS
Perhaps we shouldn’t blame the fans, given they’ve rarely had successful baseball to watch. Out of all 30 MLB teams, the Padres rank 29th in all-time win percentage with .464. Only the Miami Marlins have a worse regular season tally than San Diego. But when we look at the postseason, the Padres are in fact dead last with a .350 win percentage. How is it physically possible to play that much terrible baseball for 50+ years? Put it this way, until this past season, the Kings had won more playoff series since moving to Sacramento than the Padres had in their existence.
7. PETCO PARK PROBLEMS
Although it will never be better than Fenway Park, Petco Park is objectively one of the best baseball venues in the entire world. Sadly, it’s being wasted in San Diego, where Padres fans rarely pack the house. You may look at MLB attendance figures and see Petco near the top of the list, but don’t be fooled — those numbers are pumped up by opposing fans buying tickets and taking over the ballpark. I guess people who live in San Diego have better things to do than enjoy their city’s absolutely elite baseball facility. Still, it’s not the biggest waste of talent by the Padres.
6. WASTING TONY GWYNN
Tony Gwynn is probably the second-greatest hitter of all-time (behind Ted Williams), has a list of insane stats that can rival Wayne Gretzky, and is considered to be the greatest player in Padres history. In fact, “Mr. Padre” played all 20 seasons of his career in San Diego. Do you know how the Padres rewarded his consistent, legendary play? With three — three — playoff appearances. Two of those led to World Series spots, but we’ll talk about them later. Just know the best modern era hitter (depending on how you feel about Ichiro Suzuki) was completely wasted in San Diego.
5. EMPLOYING MANNY MACHADO
Manny Machado is a bitch who’s made a career out of “unintentionally” injuring people and acting like a dick. After being a punk towards the Oakland A’s and essentially ending Dustin Pedroia’s career with the Baltimore Orioles, Machado was traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2018, ending the season on his knees thanks to Chris Sale and the World Series champion Boston Red Sox. Naturally, the Padres saw this all as good natured fun and gave Machado $300M to come play in San Diego for the next ten years. That burning money can’t warm his cold, dead heart.
4. BEING LA’S LITTLE BROTHER
When the Padres lost in this past NLCS, everyone considered it a successful season. When the Dodgers lose in the NLCS, it’s considered a failure. That’s the difference between the two clubs, and cities. San Diego is often seen as Los Angeles’ little brother — just read this opinion before the (admittedly hilarious) NLDS outcome. Both the Padres and Dodgers spend a shit ton of money to try to win a title. LA’s actually been successful (albeit a Mickey Mouse ring), while San Diego is stuck in second gear. That’s how pissed off I am — I’m actually praising the Dodgers.
3. CONSTANT CHOKING
Going back to the NLCS, the Padres had finally beaten big brother and had home field advantage against a Phillies team who wouldn’t have made the playoffs under the previous year’s playoff format. Naturally, San Diego got smacked around by Philadelphia and lost all momentum. This was just the latest example of Padres choke jobs. Finally get lucky and beat the best regular season team? Spend hundreds of millions of dollars on the best players in baseball? Still find a way to lose. That’s also even if they manage not to fuck it up in the regular season beforehand.
2. EMPTY TROPHY CABINET
Remember how the Padres have only been to the World Series twice? Well, do you know how many games San Diego won in those two Fall Classics? One. Uno. Just once have the Padres ever won a World Series game. Naturally, this means they’ve never lifted the Commissioner’s Trophy. Hell, even the Miami Marlins (the only team with a worse regular season record than the Padres) have won a title. In fact, statistically only Colorado Rockies and Seattle Mariners haven’t gone as far as San Diego in the postseason. More losing stats for an awful, losing franchise.
1. THEY STOLE XANDER FROM THE RED SOX
Flash back to 2019. I was about to attend just my second ever game at Fenway Park. I hadn’t had a favorite baseball player since David Ortiz retired three years earlier. While I’m on the Green Monster during a pre-game tour, Xander Bogaerts (warming up in left field) spots my group and tosses a baseball to an assistant coach, who throws it to our group as a souvenir. I somehow manage to catch the ball and am beside myself. That night, in his first at-bat, Bogaerts proceeds to hit a home run and I lose my goddamn shit. Bogaerts then became my new favorite player.
Flash forward three years later and I’m at home watching SportsCenter, tired after a long day at work and dealing with the prospect of having Aaron Judge in the division for another decade. Suddenly, a breaking news alert flashes on the screen. Highlights of Bogaerts start playing on the TV. As Scott Van Pelt says the words, “former Red Sox shortstop,” a lower third appears on the bottom of the screen, saying that Bogaerts had signed an 11-year, $280M contract with the San Diego Padres. My heart stops, I yell out a piercing wail, and I crumple into a ball of pure shock.
Once that shock wore off, my immediate reaction was pure rage. Fuck the absolute fuck out of the motherfucking Padres. How dare they take my beloved Xander away from me. Objectively, how the fuck do you offer a 30-year-old infielder an 11-year deal at all, let alone one worth that much? I don’t blame Bogaerts for taking that deal — he’d be stupid not to. But how do you throw $280M around for like your fifth shortstop for a team that hasn’t proven it can be consistent? A.J. Preller broke the market — Carlos Correa’s going to get Pat Mahomes money at this rate.
But what I can’t fault San Diego for — despite being so pissed off at the situation that I created a Top 10 list purely out of spite — is trying. This formula of “throw money at everything that moves” probably won’t work out for the Padres like it has historically for another team in pinstripes and (to a lesser extent) the Los Angeles Dodgers. But if you want to make sure you get that special player, sometimes you have to overbid a little bit. This was certainly more than a little bit, but in the end at least Preller and the Padres can say they left nothing on the table to get that ring.
While I’m glad the Red Sox didn’t dish out that kind of contract, there’s no good reason that this situation got to where it is now. Bogaerts had already given Boston a break in his last deal and the Red Sox had a chance to get him signed long term before this past season. However, Boston for some goddamn reason decided to be cheap asses and low-ball Bogaerts, who (as a Scott Boras client) decided to hold out for “fuck you money” in free agency instead. The Red Sox shouldn’t have offered him the deal the Padres did, but they shouldn’t have needed to do so.
Some people may ask how an ownership group that has brought four titles to a franchise that had gone 86 years without a championship can be hated by that fan base. This shit is why and it’s not the first time something like this has happened. Need I mention Mookie Betts? What about Jon Lester or Andrew Benintendi? These young, homegrown players work hard, become loved by fans, and win championships. Then they get told to fuck off elsewhere, whether by trades or in free agency. Just get it over with and have Rafael Devers leave, too. I can’t take any more pain.
The Padres, considered a “small market team,” keep spending big on star talent and pairing them with farm system talent to win now. The Red Sox are in a Top 10 market, yet can’t keep any of their young players and refuse to cut large checks (except for guys like Trevor Story [injured], J.D. Martinez [old], and Chris Sale [both]). There’s no way Boston should constantly be undercut for big name players, whether they be part of the Red Sox or ones they’re trying to get to join. Right now, the only clear star on the roster (besides Devers) is “Sadness” from Inside Out.
Goodbye, Xander. Thanks for everything. Fuck the Padres, and fuck the Red Sox, too.
QUARTER-FINAL PREVIEW
1. COCK COMMANDERS VS. 8. HOG WILD
They say it’s tough to beat the same team three times in one season, especially a team that’s still pissed off about scoring 129 points and losing the last time you faced off. I have a sinking feeling I’m about to find out exactly just how tough it is to do just that. Jimmy will be looking for revenge for how our last matchup ended and he has the weapons to get it done. Davante Adams and A.J. Brown are terrifying, while CeeDee Lamb and T.J. Hockenson are going up against bad defenses. Speaking of defense, Washington should take advantage of the Giants coming off a tough loss to the Eagles, which is good news for Hog Wild. Joe Burrow and Najee Harris should put up good numbers for Cock Commanders, but Tyreek Hill and Josh Jacobs are both dealing with leg injuries and tough defenses. Things will get started right away, with Geno Smith (Jimmy) facing Robbie Gould and the 49ers defense (me). If San Francisco isn’t up to snuff (especially with Brock Purdy’s injury), Jimmy could get the edge he needs for the upset.
4. TEAM TBD VS. 5. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
Two dark horses battle it out to prove who’s the darkest… that was a weird analogy. Anyway, both Team TBD and Channel 4 News Team can score with the best of them — they can also swing and miss like Joey Gallo. But at least this week, both of them appear to be bringing their A game. For Kyle, the dynamic duo of Ezekiel Elliott and Tony Pollard appears ready to roll again, while Amon-Ra St. Brown and Ja’Marr Chase look set to haul in plenty of passes. If Saquon Barkley gets going as well, Kyle will be tough to stop. As for Arik, Nick Chubb and Austin Ekeler form their own tag team of doom, while Mike Evans and Amari Cooper always have potential to score plenty. The Browns defense could also take advantage of an injured Ravens offense. This matchup could come down to QB — currently, it’s Dak Prescott (Kyle) vs. Trevor Lawrence (Arik). Those QBs also happen to be battling it out on the field in real life, so both Kyle and Arik will be glued to that matchup. Only one sleeper candidate will be able to keep their championship hopes alive.
2. WELL DAMN VS. 7. THREE EYED RAVENS
Congrats to Three Eyed Ravens on getting the victory in a “win or go home” matchup — your reward is a date with perhaps the scariest team in the league. If Well Damn is firing on all cylinders, there may not be a team that can keep up with them. Justin Fields may be the most terrifying player in fantasy football right now (although he should face a tough test in the Eagles). Speaking of Philadelphia, Miles Sanders pairs up with Christian McCaffrey to form an incredible backfield. If that’s not enough, Tee Higgins and Terry McLaurin highlight a lineup that puts Chriss among the championship contenders. Ewing, meanwhile, has not been able to consistently score. But when he does manage to get in the triple digits, it’s often well up there. Josh Allen should be right at home in the snow, while D.K. Metcalf, George Kittle, DeVonta Smith, James Conner, Jerick McKinnon, and David Montgomery can go off at a moment’s notice. If Ewing can make it a game, this could be the closest matchup of the whole round.
3. DOMINION WARRIORS VS. 6. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
This matchup will either be completely boring or completely chaotic, with no in-between. During the season, both DOMINION WARRIORS and the Krispy Kritters have been fortunate to receive some incredible luck, while also having to deal with some truly unlucky moments. For Richard, that luck is focused on the QB position. Lamar Jackson remains on the bench, while Brock Purdy may be unable to go at all. That will be the first test of luck for Richard. Others include whether or not the patchwork RB corps of Alvin Kamara, Isiah Pacheco, and Joe Mixon can be the engine that powers his lineup, as well as whether or not Taysom Hill can be a game breaker. On the other side, Dad is hoping Pat Mahomes avoids Juju Smith-Schuster, though he’ll probably score a lot of points anyway. Dad also has his own makeshift RB unit in Rhamondre Stevenson and Brian Robinson, as well as a QB/TE combo in Jeff Driskel. Whether or not Jerry Jeudy and the Broncos offense have finally been unlocked could be the difference in Dad being able to win.
ONE LAST THING
There have only been five people who have participated in every season of the Epic League, including this current 12th campaign. These five have also been playing fantasy football since the Gridiron Gang (which we like to call the pre-merger era) back in 2007 — 15 freaking years ago. These five people — myself, Dad, Ewing, Jimmy, and Gee — have won nearly half the league championships (no thanks to Dad) and made 12 combined Epic Bowl appearances, all while greatly contributing to the discussion, talking points, and memes of the league. Most importantly, they’ve been good people (myself excluded, obviously). However, in an unexpected development, this may be the last year the five of us play fantasy football together.
At the conclusion of this season, Gee will be stepping away from the Epic League. In my conversations with him, Gee told me that fantasy football’s been taking up too much of his time and he wants to take a breather. Knowing that I can’t just give him his spot back unless someone else leaves next year, Gee went through with his decision, giving me permission to make the official announcement. All further questions should be directed to Gee, though.
When speaking on purely statistics and results, you can make the argument that no one in our league has been better than Gee. Despite having a bad season by his standards, Gee is still the defending champion and has made back-to-back-to-back Epic Bowl appearances. In fact, Gee has reached the title game five times (a league record) and won the trophy twice (one of only three people — along with Brian and Taylor — to do so). But even if he’s not in the title game, more often than not Gee’s near the top of the standings, putting the fear of god into whoever he’s playing in a particular week. Regardless, he’s always roaming the waiver wire, competing for the title of most moves made during the season. Though we often give him shit for it, most of the time his strategy works — the high finishes are proof enough.
However, it’s been because of those constant player additions — and his overall success — that Gee painted a huge target on his back. No one likes to see teams like Alabama, the New England Patriots, or the Houston Astros consistently compete for the title year after year. Gee’s consistent top performances have made him perhaps the biggest recipient of criticism in the whole league. Ask yourself, when was the last time you were actively rooting for Gee to win? That’s what I thought. To be fair, Gee hasn’t exactly tried to put out the flames, having delivered some of the worst shit talking I’ve ever seen and executed some of the most stubborn, egregious “refusing to play along with others’ rules” attitude whether he wins or loses. But you have to admit that Gee’s faced more unified opposition than anyone else in this league. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing — in sports, you often need a good heel, a tough villain to help drive the narrative. Also, again, Gee largely brings the heat upon himself with the aforementioned cringeworthy shit talking and shocking unwillingness to play along in what amounts to a fucking game. While of course in real life he’s our good friend and will remain so, Gee will leave a huge hole to fill when it comes to being the league’s bad guy. Whether this absence will be for just a year or much longer, Gee will be missed in the Epic League, whether or not we realize it.
What we won’t miss are the dumbass trades Gee finds himself involved in every year. In fact…
TOP 5 MOST INSANE TRADES INVOLVING GEE
To think, there were the ones that were actually approved by both parties.
5. AN EMPTY KUPP
Trying to turn around a bad start to this season, Gee decided to make a bold move. In Ewing he found someone whose promising start was a faint memory and who needed something to turn it around himself. So the Tylers orchestrated a trade that saw Cooper Kupp go to Gee and David Montgomery, George Kittle, and D.K. Metcalf end up with Ewing. While the trio of trade prospects have been solid (if not spectacular) for Ewing, Kupp would shortly get injured and be lost for the season for Gee. This past week saw Gee’s trade especially come back to bite him in the ass.
4. A CLASSIC SERVING
This 2019 exchange is a classic example of Gee’s trade strategy — offer a pupu platter of mid (at best) talent for a superstar or two. In this case, Richard gave him Alvin Kamara and Christian Kirk for A.J. Green (injured all season), Brandin Cooks (lowest stats since his rookie year), Carlos Hyde (okay at best), Kenny Golladay (the best player sent over), and LeSean McCoy (way past his prime). While Richard’s pool of mediocrity got him nowhere but the bottom of the standings, Kamara and Kirk helped Gee finish first in those same standings and reach another Epic Bowl.
3. A FAILED STRATEGY
This one believe it or not isn’t a burn on Gee — rather, it’s on who he traded with. Nick had been stashing Tua Tagovailoa on his bench (Jalen Hurts rightfully starting) in what I assume was a play for some high quality trade bait. Incredibly, that bait ended up being one of Gee’s patented pupu platters. All Gee had to send to Nick for Tagovailoa was Damien Harris, Kyle Pitts (who would soon be injured), and Gerald Everett. While the trade didn’t do much to change Gee’s fortunes, it’s still an outright robbery and a puzzling example of Gee getting away with this kind of bullshit.
2. 2016 IN GENERAL
This was the year when Gee truly earned his trade reputation. In less than a month’s span, Gee completed four trades with four different people (Emilio, Nick, Riaz, Chriss). There were nearly 20 different players involved in those trades, like Cam Newton, Eli Manning, Darren Sproles, Le’Veon Bell, Kirk Cousins, Keenan Allen, Mark Ingram, Ezekiel Elliott, Rob Gronkowski, and Travis Kelce (who was traded twice). While all of this wheeling and dealing did result in a first place regular season finish, Gee was ultimately upset by Brian in a close semi-final showdown.
1. A HISTORIC OVERREACTION
In the first week of the 2021 season, Kyler Murray balled out and Aaron Rodgers sucked. Then, in one of the biggest overreactions I’ve ever seen, Taylor decided to ship Rodgers (as well as Najee Harris) to Gee for Murray (and Myles Gaskin). While Murray started 7-0, he quickly crashed back down to earth (Gaskin was okay). Meantime, Rodgers rebounded to win his second straight MVP and Najee Harris made the Pro Bowl. Not only did this trade make no sense, it was incredibly influential. Taylor finished in last place while Gee rode Rodgers and Harris to a championship.
Gee’s departure may also continue a rather disturbing trend. Both Brian and Taylor left the league exactly one season after winning their second championship. Should Gee fail to go back-to-back this year, he will join Brian and Taylor in making that exit plan. The only three people to win multiple Epic League crowns would have all retired just a year later. That’s friggin’ weird.
Of course, when one door closes, another door opens. While (unlike others who have left), Gee gave me plenty of time to find a replacement for him, we fortunately already had a name lined up for league membership since May. It’s a name you’re all familiar with — especially Ewing.
That’s right — starting next season, the Epic League will no longer be a complete sausage fest! Aly — Ewing’s lovely wife — will become the first ever female Epic League member and the first female member of our fantasy football league since Ewing’s mother, Chris, in the Gridiron Gang. She’s been demanding a spot in the league since tying the knot with Ewing and has apparently been dipping her toes into fantasy football in another league (and taking it like a fish to water). Because she won’t be an official member until the season ends and Gee’s tenure expires, she’ll have to wait to see her own shitty cropped headshot on poorly edited images. But she’s on the newsletter email list (Hi, Aly!) so she can stay informed on the latest news and results. It will be a tough task to replace an OG league member, but Aly’s up to the task! Plus, Ewing will go from partaking in the annual “Tyler Bowl” with Gee to bringing back the “Ewing Bowl,” this time as the first ever husband-wife showdown we’ve ever seen! I absolutely cannot wait for the shit talking.
But that’s still to come in 2023. We’ve still got 2022 to wrap up. The playoffs are underway! Who will take the trophy from Gee on his way out? It’s been a fun season so far — let’s end it on a high note!
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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