It’s a testament to the best laid plans of mice and men that the one year I decided to not publish a newsletter every week, the newsletter technically goes longer than it ever has. Super Bowl-specific newsletters aside, this is the latest in a season and latest in January that I’ve published one of these. I can’t call it the Week 18 Newsletter because Week 18 has come and gone. There is no Week 19 (at least not yet — you know the NFL), yet it would’ve felt weird to put “Wild Card Newsletter” because it would’ve assumed the publication of another Super Bowl newsletter (which unless something extraordinary happens I don’t plan to do). Yet looking back at it, perhaps “Wild Card” is the best name for this newsletter, given the wild, unpredictable nature of what happened over the past week and a half.
The NFL is a machine — huge, relentless, and unmoving. Seemingly every sport or every event will bend to the NFL’s whim or go out of its way to not get left behind by the massive TV viewership the NFL draws. Put it simply, the NFL doesn’t stop. When the players literally said they wouldn’t play, teams brought in replacements to keep at least some of the season going. Global conflict — even World War II — didn’t stop the NFL from being played. NFL games go on no matter the weather — scorching heat, well below freezing cold, or torrential storms. When the world itself shut down in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic, all other sports had abridged, altered seasons — the NFL played a full schedule. Sure, no fans were in attendance. But the game went on. It always goes on, even when players suffer career-ending injuries, become paralyzed, or (in the case of Chuck Hughes) even die. The NFL never stops.
Ten days ago, the NFL stopped.
I didn’t see what happened when it happened — I had just come out of the booth to find out that the game had been stopped for several minutes. I saw the replay of Damar Hamlin taking a hit from Tee Higgins en route to both hitting the ground, then Hamlin getting up, then Hamlin suddenly collapsing to the ground. I had seen similar things sadly happen before — just look at what happened with Tua Tagovailoa earlier this year. But this felt different, with those feelings growing stronger and stronger as the game remained stopped. As the night unfolded, I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing. Eventually, it became clear that, at least for that night, the game could not be finished. For the next week, Hamlin’s condition and the impact of what happened were all the sports world could talk about. I even dedicated part of my show for the rest of the week to the latest Hamlin updates. Eventually, it was decided that Bills-Bengals would not be rescheduled and would instead be counted as a “no contest.”
Before this happened, could you ever have imagined a scenario in which an NFL game would be declared null and void? Hell, during the 2020 season the Ravens and Steelers played a game on a WEDNESDAY just so things could keep rolling on. The fact that the NFL was drastically altering everything, including potential playoff standings and AFC title game venues (I swear to fucking god if the Chiefs end up winning the AFC/Super Bowl because of this I’m gonna be pissed), is so out of character that it actually puts into context just how serious this was. All those times I’ve mentioned when the NFL kept going in spite of challenges, perhaps they should’ve stopped. This was the one thing that finally made them halt. Maybe that’s what led to what happened next.
When it comes to the average football fan, people are fucking stupid. Just go on any online discussion pattern or talk to a handful of football fans and you’re guaranteed to find at least one utterly moronic opinion. Just look at the stupid shit that happens at every football game. Hell, some of it isn’t even stupidity — it’s people being assholes. Hell, remember those Browns fans who openly supported Deshaun Watson and wore/posted/displayed some pretty fucking sexist material? These are the people I’m referring to when I say the NFL community (at least partially) restored my faith in humanity. Bet you didn’t have that on your 2023 bingo card, huh? Well, that’s what happened when I saw the overwhelming wave of support in the aftermath at the stadium and the hospital, all 32 teams changing their profile pics to Hamlin’s jersey number, and people shitting on Skip Bayless for his poorly-worded, timed, and thought up tweet. Then of course you have the incredible story of everyone donating to Hamlin’s charity toy drive, which originally asked for just $2,500. At last check, more than $8.7M has been raised, with donations coming from the likes of the Colts, Patriots, Browns, Buccaneers, Texans, Commanders, Matthew Stafford, New Era, Sean McVay, Tom Brady, Russell/Ciara Wilson, Underdog Fantasy, Luke Bryan, Davante Adams, Mike Evans, Sauce Gardner, Robert Griffin III, Bill O’Brien, Rich Eisen, Jeannie Buss, Andy Dalton, and Rob Gronkowski (who of course donated $6,900). That Dalton donation also brings everything full circle when it comes to the fanbases for the Bengals and Bills, with members of Bills Mafia donating $17 in droves when he threw a game-winning pass to Tyler Boyd to beat the Ravens and send Buffalo to the playoffs for the first time in 17 years.
All of this is just one reason we can look back at what happened with a sense of relief. The other, most important reason is of course that Hamlin — awake and back in Buffalo — will be okay. At least, even though he’s not out of the woods yet, it looks like things will work out in the end. That’s what this was all about anyway — the health of a nice young man who plays a dangerous game and just happened to unfortunately be hit in the perfect place at the perfect time. There are plenty of questions still left unanswered. How will the Bills (and Bengals for that matter) fare in the aftermath of what happened? How will the no contest ultimately impact the AFC playoffs? Will what happened lead to a decline in youth participation due to health concerns? How will the NFL respond to try to make the game safer? All of those will be answered in time. For now, the ultimate question — Hamlin’s personal health — appears to have a popular answer.
Of course, this situation came during the single most important game of the fantasy football season — the final game of championship weekend. It would be one thing if that game was Texans vs. Falcons, with little to no fantasy implications. But it just so happened to be arguably a Top 5 matchup with at least one player on both Epic Bowl participants involved in that game. The uncertainty of the status of Bills-Bengals, combined with the overall tone and concern over Hamlin’s health, meant that I had to push the newsletter back a week. Even though many have already sort of moved on, I still feel like I have to put a bow on the season somehow. Sure, it’s weird and no matter what would not end in the best circumstances. But shit happens and this season needs to have an ending. Plus I’d already done too much fucking writing to not have this get published. So let’s see what happens — hope you all like what I’ve come up with.
EPIC BOWL XII RECAP
7. THREE EYED RAVENS DEF. 4. TEAM TBD
72.20 – 70.18
For a pair of teams that went on the runs of their lives to make it to the Epic Bowl, both of them sure left a lot to be desired during the actual title game. That trend started off during the final Thursday game of the season, as Team TBD’s recent reliance on Cowboys players didn’t go exactly to plan. Sure, Ezekiel Elliott got a TD and Dak Prescott (16 points) was respectable, but both left a lot of potential points on the table. Meantime, Tony Pollard — arguably Kyle’s most consistent RB — was out injured. A.J. Dillon (ten points) filled in well, but Kyle was going to need the rest of his lineup to shine. Apart from the Eagles defense (ten points), no one really did. Ironically, while both the Lions and Giants topped 35 points apiece, Amon-Ra St. Brown and Saquon Barkley failed to get past the seven-point margin. Include average efforts from Greg Joseph and Nick Bolton and Kyle was on his worst scoring pace since Week 9 (couldn’t have done that in the semi-finals, you prick?). Kyle needed Ewing to also fuck up to have a chance.
Incredibly, that’s kind of what happened. But whereas Kyle’s roster was basically average all around, Three Eyed Ravens were either hit or miss. Oddly, the Epic Bowl MVP goes to (of all people) Jerick McKinnon (17 points), who unexpectedly led the matchup in scoring. That effort also made up for a shocking goose egg from D.K. Metcalf and a mediocre day from David Montgomery (for once Gee’s trade bait failed to yield true production). To be fair, George Kittle did decently enough, while both DeVonta Smith (11 points) and James Conner (11 points) came through and did their jobs. Ewing even got some help from the NFC South in the form of good (but not great) days from Younghoe Koo and Devin White. However, what appeared to be an insurmountable lead going into the final two games of the week was heartbreakingly (for Ewing) cut into thanks to the Ravens offense letting down their defense against their arch rivals. While Ewing had a slim lead, stranger things had happened before — this title game wasn’t over.
Then, suddenly, it was. Going into that fateful Monday night matchup, Ewing had Josh Allen, while Kyle had Ja’Marr Chase and Dawson Knox. Sadly, we will never know exactly how things would’ve gone. Sure, Ewing was favored to not only hold onto his lead, but increase it (which is ultimately what I think would’ve happened). But nothing’s a given in fantasy football and we can’t answer with 100% certainty. Fortunately, both Kyle and Ewing had the proper perspective on what happened — fantasy football pales in comparison to the health of an athlete who appears to also be an upstanding gentleman. Both Ewing and Kyle were understanding and agreed to go with whatever Yahoo! decided — none of them bitched about it, merely remarking that a great season had an unfortunate ending. Ultimately, once the NFL decided not to replay the game, we had no choice to call it as it was — Ewing was winning going into Monday and was on top when the game was paused. Therefore, Ewing ends the drought and wins the title.
BEST & WORST OF THE SEASON
UNEXPECTED PERFORMANCE
BEST: For as well as my lineup did all season, I have to give this honor to the true star: Josh Jacobs. After the Raiders declined to pick up his 5th year option, Jacobs basically gave every team (including Las Vegas) the middle finger, led the NFL in rushing, and was the highest-scoring non-QB in fantasy football. Jacobs was my rock and the reason I went 12-2. I will miss him.
WORST: Who else truly deserves this award? After making three straight Epic Bowls and consistently finishing near the top of the standings, the defending champ completely fizzled out in his (as of now) final season. Gee had some bad injury luck, and also made unwise picks and executed some dumbass trades. No one saw Gee missing the playoffs, but few are complaining.
TRANSACTION
BEST: Apart from what I’m going to write below, Ewing’s two biggest moves that earned him the title were free agency pickups. In September, Ewing added DeVonta Smith (dropped by Emilio). Two months later, he also picked up Jerick McKinnon (dropped by Gee). Both McKinnon and Smith balled out during the playoffs and were absolutely crucial in Ewing’s championship run.
WORST: The move that epitomizes the past two paragraphs was the infamous Tyler Trade from October. In exchange for Cooper Kupp, Gee sent Ewing George Kittle, D.K. Metcalf, and David Montgomery. Kupp ended up with a season-ending injury and Gee missed the playoffs. Kittle, Metcalf, and Montgomery (mostly Kittle) killed it for Ewing, who beat Gee to make the playoffs.
LINEUP DECISION
BEST: Honestly I wasn’t sure what to put for this one, so I went back to the options I picked for this section throughout the season. Multiple times, Arik was the one who got the call, for several reasons. Given that, were those decisions reversed, Arik would’ve missed the playoffs, this kind of makes it clear. But maybe it should be whatever Nick did to get to 200 points that one time.
WORST: Remember when Richard didn’t take an injured Alvin Kamara out of his lineup? The Saints were in London and thus the game started earlier. Well, if that happens, Richard beats Chriss, who finishes 4th instead of 2nd. With the bracket rearranged, I beat Chriss in the semi-finals and Ewing in the final. Basically, if Richard woke up in time I would’ve won the league.
LUCK
BEST: Ironically, the reason Richard gets this good luck-related honor is because of his worst luck of the season: Lamar Jackson’s injury. Everyone (including Richard) assumed he was done once Jackson went down. But somehow, the Krispy Kritters wound up in the postseason, even if they didn’t do much once they got there. Let’s see if Jackson’s real life team does the same.
WORST: You’re telling me the team that scored 200 points more than anyone else in the league and had a month-long stretch where 120 points was the floor suddenly decides to have arguably its worst week ever in the semi-finals? That is some bullshit. Cock Commanders will go down as perhaps the best team never to win the Epic League. Lady luck absolutely screwed me here.
I guess this is a good enough point to look back at the awful Yahoo! predictions from before the season. This was how the system believed the season would play out after draft day.
So to recap, the person projected to finish first finished last, the top regular season team and the eventual runner-up were both projected to miss the playoffs with double-digit losses, and the person with the third-fewest wins was projected to get the third-most wins. That being said, Yahoo! wasn’t completely terrible. Nick did finish tied for the worst record, Dad and Richard’s records were correct, and Gee’s exact placement (and him not making the playoffs) were called correctly. Still, given the overall projections and draft ratings, it’s fair to say Yahoo! knows nothing.
THE EPIC LEAGUE AWARDS
1. THREE EYED RAVENS
While I would normally say the No. 7 seed winning the championship would’ve come out of nowhere, that’s not really the case. Lest we forget, Ewing was 4-0 and in first place after the first month of the season. Then, his wedding officiant came calling and sent him on a five-game losing streak. It somehow took until the last week of the season for Three Eyed Ravens to finally get their shit together, with them doing so in the form of another four-game winning streak. The last three games just happened to be in the playoffs, which was good news for Ewing. There’s no more fitting honor for Ewing than the “Minnesota Vikings Purple Team Jumps Out of the Gate, Stumbles a Little Bit, but Still has an Unexpectedly Successful Season” award. None at all.
2. TEAM TBD
Every year, the talk is always around the likes of Pat Mahomes and Josh Allen among the best QBs in the league. But for the past few years’ there’s been a disruptor — Joe Burrow has gone under the radar a little bit, though if he continues to lead the Bengals further into the playoffs maybe he’ll finally join that duo. This year, while all of the talk was around the Top 3 teams, there was a fourth that managed to find its way above the middle of the pack. Team TBD had a mixed regular season, but there was always the threat of Kyle putting things together and making a deep run. That’s exactly what happened and it took a ring off my finger. Kyle gets the “Joe Burrow Disrupting the League Hierarchy” award — also because, like Cincinnati, he lost in the title game.
3. COCK COMMANDERS
God fucking damnit. I fucking dominated — DOMINATED — you motherfuckers for the entire season. Seriously, look at how well Cock Commanders performed compared to everyone else. Just thrice all year, I finished with fewer than 100 points. Naturally, one of those times was the semi-finals. Despite having one of the best teams in league history, I am now living proof that the regular season doesn’t matter and winning the championship is pure luck. I now know how Packers fans have felt over the past two seasons. The “Aaron Rodgers Dominating the Regular Season Only to Fuck Up in the Playoffs” award is now mine. Oh yeah, at least I don’t have to buy anyone beer and get to keep that football poster I got from the National Archives this summer.
4. DOMINION WARRIORS
Throughout the season, Dad truly embodied his favorite team’s motto — keep winning despite getting injured to hell and back. I don’t call it the “49ers Great Team Hampered by a Shit Ton of Injuries” award for nothing. Like San Francisco, DOMINION WARRIORS compiled a great regular season in spite of the several injuries their roster saw. Jerry Jeudy, Zach Ertz, Deebo Samuel, Chris Olave, and Tyler Lockett all missed significant time this year, with only Jeudy being able to suit up for Dad’s semi-final loss. Throw in bad luck with RBs (Cam Akers and trading away Najee Harris) and it was a lot for Dad to navigate. In all fairness, he did just that, getting lucky with the standings tiebreaker as well. Still, that only ensured him one playoff win, which is more than zero.
5. HOG WILD
There are two franchises which have been shitty for several years, hoped a name change would turn around their luck, and somehow fought their way to playoff contention. In the Epic League, Jimmy takes the cake here. For the first time since 2019, the recently renamed Hog Wild made the postseason, despite several ups and downs and inconsistent play. While Jimmy didn’t do anything in the playoffs (you’re welcome), it was a bit of a throwback to see him make his long-awaited playoff return. So what’s the NFL equivalent? I mean, which other NFL team recently changed its name? Jimmy earns the “Washington Commanders Old/New Name Returns to “Playoff Contention Despite an Overall Erratic Season” award in commanding fashion (heh).
6. WELL DAMN
No one expected much of Chriss’ team to begin the season. Then, Well Damn suddenly caught fire behind the unexpected birth of fantasy football god Justin Fields. Chriss quickly rose up the ranks thanks to Fields’ point scoring ability and ended up finishing second. However, that point scoring surge stopped towards the end of the season, with Chriss falling out of the playoffs in the first round. That scoring even took away a playoff win — Chriss finished second by just .12 points. Had he been in third instead, Chriss would have reached the semi-finals. In the NFL, there was an unexpected high-scoring contender who fell off when its QB play declined after carrying the team. The “Geno Smith Flame-Throwing Start Fizzles Out” award is oddly fitting for this scenario.
7. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
In the last newsletter, I said that Arik’s team plays like they’re either on cocaine or passed out after having too much cocaine (or something similar). While that was the best way to describe Channel 4 News Team during the regular season, the playoffs were a much simpler story. Arik’s roster didn’t play like shit — they just got matched against slightly better teams. If I had to pick an NFL team that could fit the mold of this team — an up-and-down group which rarely plays up to its potential yet still makes the playoffs (but not much else) — there’s only one that works. The “Los Angeles Chargers Incredibly Inconsistent Team that Puts it Together Enough to go to the Postseason but Gets Bounced in the First Round” award sadly has to go to a Raiders fan here.
8. THE KRISPY KRITTERS
After stumbling out of the gate, Richard seemed like he was in for another rough year. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the Krispy Kritters got, well, crispy… after catching fire. Richard went on an absolute tear, winning four out of five games and threatening to make the scoring race and the top of the standings more interesting. Then, Lamar Jackson got hurt and Richard’s legs were cut out from underneath him. No backup QB would suffice and the rest of the lineup couldn’t make it work in the playoffs. It’s a similar fate to that of the Jets — New York’s unexpected run near the top of the standings ended with injuries to the likes of Breece Hall and Mike White. I don’t like giving out the “New York Jets Injuries Ruin a Potential Run” award, but it fits here.
9. I’M QUITTING
This is Gee’s last season and his last newsletter — lord knows no one expected the defending champ to go out like this. A horrible year of bad drafting (Russell Wilson), bad injury luck (Javonte Williams, Jonathan Taylor), and even worse trades (already mentioned in the last newsletter) led to a typical contender failing to miss the playoffs and I’m Quitting doing just that. If only there was a proper NFL comparison to a former champion and final boss of the league retiring after one of the shittiest seasons of his career. So anyway, that’s how Gee gets the “Tom Brady Great Player Going Out Like a Bitch” award. It’s also fitting because Gee’s attempts at trash talking in the group chat are about as effective as Brady and the Buccaneer’s offense has been this season.
10. ALREADY INVESTED $$
Let’s make this perfectly plain — when I give Emilio this particular award, I’m not comparing any action he did to what the namesake of this award did. The idea was just too funny not to execute. Anyway, this was Emilio’s return to the Epic League after several years away. There were some incredibly maddening losses (despite scoring 140 points and by .10 points), a lot of injuries, some truly inconsistent play, and one really bad trade in Already Invested $$’s season. That reminds me of the Cleveland Browns, whose season had pretty much the same type of bullshit, which in their case was self-inflicted. So, Emilio gets the “Deshaun Watson Welcome Back to the League, Now Fuck You” award. Again, the only thing Emilio did wrong was have a Browns-esque season.
11. DIXIE NORMOUS
Remember back in Week 2 when Nick set the league’s single-game scoring record by dropping 200 points? Four months later, Nick narrowly managed to finish one spot above last place (which he would also do in another competition I’ll talk about in a minute). Dixie Normous had an average 4-3 record halfway through the season, though given their 200-point performance carried an aura with them. Then Nick proceeded to lose his last seven games and became an afterthought. While the Titans didn’t exactly get off to a hot start, they were still atop a division and seemingly headed for the playoffs. One losing streak later and Tennessee is in a must-win scenario. Nick, the “Tennessee Titans Fuck up a Golden Playoff Chance” award is yours.
12. FOOTBALLDAMUS
One year after sneaking into the playoffs and nearly pulling off one of the greatest upsets in Epic League history, Riaz took a huge step back this season. Amazingly shitty play and key self-inflicted wounds left Footballdamus at the bottom of the standings as the first ever winner of the Jop. He also won the “Justin Fields Happy Despite a lot of Losing” award. Riaz basically did what the Bears did — go from an unexpected playoff spot to being one Houston Texans away from the worst team in the NFL. But amazingly, Bears fans are optimistic — Fields was the one player to ball out and they have great draft capital to rebuild. Riaz had one player (Justin Jefferson) ball out for him all season and will end the newsletter with a smile on his face — read on to see why.
A little over halfway through the season, we decided to incorporate another “award” or sorts. Thanks to a brilliant idea from Ewing, the Epic League implemented a rule that the lowest-scoring team of the week had to consume some sort of alcohol chosen by the highest-scoring team. In case you don’t remember, I’ve tallied each result, as well as what the results would’ve been had we started this side bet at the start of the season.
Week 1: Ewing (139.98) –> Arik (77.98)
Week 2: Nick (200.92) –> Jimmy (69.88)
Week 3: Richard (121.32) –> Gee (72.26)
Week 4: Ruben (147.98) –> Gee (63.48)
Week 5: Ark (131.84) –> Richard (76.26)
Week 6: Kyle (130.64) –> Riaz (58.04)
Week 7: Ruben (126.24) –> Riaz (67.92)
Week 8: Richard (148.22) –> Ewing (70.02)
Week 9: Jimmy (137.30) –> Kyle (55.60)
Week 10: Chriss (139.68) –> Richard (67.68)
Week 11: Ruben (131.50) –> Riaz (74.88) [New Holland Dragon’s Milk White Stout]
Week 12: Ruben (128.80) –> Richard (83.06) [Casillero del Diablo Carmenere]
Week 13: Jimmy (129.38)* –> Gee (78.10)** [Weed]
Week 14: Ewing (115.78) –> Gee (56.90) [Whipped cream to the face]
Week 15: Ewing (152.16) –> Jimmy (80.62) [Sizeable shot of Fireball]
Week 16: Kyle (121.18)*** –> Richard (92.60) [Device Kid Casual]
Week 17: Arik (153.30) –> Ruben (89.88)**** [High Water Campfire Stout]
* Ruben had highest score (154.14) but passed on right to choose punishment
** Emilio had the lowest score (71,50) but had opted out of eligibility
*** Ewing had highest score (141.88) but passed on right to choose punishment
**** Kyle had the lowest score (70.68) but Ruben volunteered to drink instead due to the impact of the Bills-Bengals situation on Kyle’s total
Now, you’d think the premise and rules of the side-bet were simple enough for everyone to follow along. But goddamn you motherfuckers are stupid. Multiple times, there were questions and violations of the rules, with the mind-numbingly dumb takes coming from some of you making me regret implementing this rule in the first place. Granted, a lot of the issues were due to some of those who opted out of drinking (one person in particular) finishing as the person who had the lowest score. I don’t want to look back at the specific issues for multiple reasons — it makes my head hurt and one league roster swap will largely eliminate those issues. However, we need to make things extremely clear in the off-season, which I can’t believe I have to say about such a simple, intended to be fun side bet.
But for the record, the rule is what I said above — the results aren’t official until I declare the winner and loser, and the winner makes his/her selection. The lowest scorer can’t do a punishment until it’s been specifically chosen by the highest scorer. You can opt out before the season, but not during. Due to him being objectively old (and generally not a drinker), Dad is the only one automatically out. Let’s see if Emilio opts out again, but I have a feeling Aly will be up to the challenge (unlike the person she’s replacing).
STATS OF THE MONTH
I mean, come the fuck on. This is just a script at this point. The Buffalo Bills are either winning the Super Bowl or losing in a fashion even more heartbreaking than last season.
I think we’re low key in for a great round of playoff football. As for who will win each of these rematches, I think the teams who won in the regular season will win again, except for the Dolphins (who went 1-1 against the Bills, so someone had to lose) and Jaguars. I’m happy Jacksonville made the playoffs, but there’s no reason to trust a team that does this in a must-win game.
(seriously, how bad are the Tennessee Titans?)
I know the Chargers could very well Charger, but I don’t think that’s going to happen this time. Still, it’s nice that the one year I go to Florida, all three Florida teams (Miami, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay Buccaneers) make the playoffs for the first time. Somehow, the Jags got in over the likes of the Green Bay Packers, whose loss to the Detroit Lions was hilarious for a number of reasons. The first: Detroit is actually legit and they might be terrifying next season. Then, Aaron Rodgers’ career in Green Bay ending the same way Brett Favre’s did (an INT in a home loss to a blue and white team in January) would be hilarious. By the way Rodgers reacted after the game, this may be the last time we see Rodgers (and apparently Allen Lazard) in green and yellow. Finally, the Packers’ loss is the Seahawks’ gain, as Seattle officially wins the Russell Wilson trade in as lopsided fashion as possible. Plus, it keeps Seattle’s own playoff streak intact (as well as their losing streak to the San Francisco 49ers in all likelihood). As for another NFC West team…
Here’s an honest question: what is the worst NFL team of all time? Given their longevity and incredible lack of success, it has to be the Arizona Cardinals, right? This is why I had Super Bowl XLIII as my No. 1 title game to be reversed. I mean, just take the head coach stat and compare it to a team like the Pittsburgh Steelers, who saw Chuck Noll take over in 1969. Noll is one of just three head coaches in Steelers history (Bill Cowher and Mike Tomlin, who still hasn’t had a losing season) in the past 54 seasons. The Cardinals meanwhile have had 17 (soon to be 18) coaches in that span (four [soon to be five] since Tomlin took over in Pittsburgh). This stretch also includes their Top 3 winningest head coaches of all-time (Bruce Arians, Ken Whisenhunt, Kilff Kingsbury). Arizona is in a big rut right now and may be down there for some time. While DeAndre Hopkins’ prime may be wasted in Arizona (or not), at least one other future HOFer is getting out of there.
J.J. Watt’s retirement announcement kind of came out of nowhere and it’s clear that he can still be productive. However, good on him for prioritizing his health and going out on his own terms. Prime Watt is one of the most terrifying football players I’ve ever seen, with his frightening skill and power contrasted by his incredible personality and humanitarian work off the field. One of the best players to never even make a conference championship game, Watt’s presence will definitely be missed around the league. Incredibly, Levi’s Stadium was the one current NFL venue Watt hadn’t played in before, so naturally it’s where his career came to an end. Good job to 49ers fans for making sure his send-off was a great one. At least fans of some teams in our league have a reason to be happy.
MONTHLY RAIDERS RANT
A few months ago, Dad was visiting an old friend of his, someone who’s a massive Raiders fans. In fact, this friend was such a big fan that not only did he have a fuck ton of Raiders merch, he actually had too much — he was complaining to Dad that he needed to get rid of some of it. Dad mentioned that his son was also a Raiders fan who wouldn’t mind taking some merch off his hands. So he gave Dad an item, which he then gave to me the next time I came over to his house. Any guesses as to what that piece of merch was?
Why, it was a Derek Carr Funko Pop!
I’m like 90% sure I’m cursed or something.
After nearly a decade as the unquestioned face and leader of the Silver and Black, during which time he broke pretty much every major passing record in franchise history, it appears Derek Carr’s time with the Raiders is finally over. If he does end up traded or cut this offseason, Carr’s last pass as a Raider will be that game-losing INT against the Pittsburgh Steelers. It’s a sad, sad way for an all-time franchise performer to go out — and I’m not just talking about that throw.
Lord knows myself and every writer for the Raiders has spilled thousands of words talking about Carr — just how good is he, is he the best Raiders QB or all-time, why hasn’t the team done better under him? The answer to those questions is like my work/relationship status when I started dating a co-worker, then was told by her that it wasn’t working out, then got moved to the morning show shortly after — it’s fucking complicated. Is Carr statistically a franchise great? Of course — he’s got the records to prove it. Is he the best QB to wear the Silver and Black? No. For a franchise that believe it or not had championship pedigree, having zero playoff wins will get you nowhere. But is that necessarily his fault. Carr led the Raiders to the playoffs twice, the first time as an MVP candidate in 2016. Then he broke his leg and never really was the same QB. There was something a little off about his play — he was less of a risk-taker and more of a diet Aaron Rodgers in terms of accuracy. Carr was never a truly elite QB after 2016. Then again, he never really got the same chance other QBs did. The weapons around him changed constantly, shuffling from Amari Cooper to Michael Crabtree to (in the preseason anyway) Antonio Brown to Tyrell Williams to Darren Waller to Henry Ruggs to Zay Jones to finally Hunter Renfrow and Davante Adams. Then there’s the whole defensive side of the ball. Carr has never had a defense that ranked better than 20th in the league and no team has given up more points per game since the merger than the Raiders under Carr. Throw in all of the head coach and coordinator changes and Carr never truly got the chance to thrive in a truly friendly environment, unlike pretty much every other good QB during his tenure. While he never cooked up anything truly special under center, Carr at least made chicken soup more times than he did chicken shit.
Regardless of what you think about Carr’s playmaking abilities, you can never question his off-field intangibles — his leadership, image, and standing in the community. Carr was pretty much a perfect team leader off the field and assumed more responsibility than anyone in the organization — even Mark Davis. Through the near-decade of ups and downs, wins and losses, achievements and controversies, Carr has been there as the voluntary face and mouthpiece of the Raiders. From answering about personnel and staffing changes to on-field mistakes and off-field drama, Carr has been a model citizen. Hell, just look at the utter fucking batshit insanity that was last season — Carr’s leadership was arguably a major reason why the Raiders incredibly made the playoffs. No matter what happened, Carr was always a pro, which is why the (seemingly) end of his time in Las Vegas is a fucking crime.
The decision to bench Carr in favor of Jarrett Stidham for the final two games of the season didn’t make any competitive sense — the Raiders were still in the playoff hunt and should’ve started their best players. Sure, Stidham balled the fuck out against San Francisco, but apparently not even prime Peyton Manning could’ve powered enough offense to keep up with what the defense was giving up. Instead, Josh McDaniels basically throws Carr under the bus and all but ensures the season is fucked. I’m not saying the Raiders would’ve won had Carr remained the starter. But he sure as hell deserved more than to just literally go quietly into the night. Plus, it’s not like Carr was totally terrible this year. Put him in as Lamar Jackson’s injury replacement and the Ravens win the AFC North. Substitute him with any QB on the 49ers (I don’t care how well Brock Purdy’s doing) and San Francisco is 17-0. Carr won’t win games by himself, but put him on a good team for once and he’ll thrive. I can’t wait to see him take the Jets or Buccaneers or Panthers or Commanders to the playoffs while the Raiders continue to suck next year.
Now, who the fuck knows who’s going to be under center for the Raiders next year? The reason I never truly bitched about Carr was because I knew we could do a hell of a lot worse. The stability at QB Carr provided has made Raiders fans forget the days of Andrew Walter, Carson Palmer, Aaron Brooks, Jason Campbell, Bruce Gradkowski, Josh McCown, Kerry Collins, Terrelle Pryor, and… well you know who I’m talking about. I doubt the Raiders will stick with Stidham as a starter anyway, which immediately directs us to the draft. Right now, every mock draft I’ve seen has Will Levis going to Las Vegas at No. 7, but that’s before any team in front of the Raiders makes a move. You’ve got to think Bryce Young and C.J. Stroud will be gone, especially with the Texans and Colts on the clock. Should another team trade up with the Bears or Levis is gone earlier, will the Raiders go for the likes of Anthony Richardson or Hendon Hooker (or god forbid Stetson Bennett)? Regardless, the Raiders will likely look to free agency to bring in a big name replacement. Rumors have everyone from Aaron Rodgers to Jimmy Garoppolo being involved. Of course, the one rumor everyone can’t shut up about is the one bringing Tom Brady to Las Vegas. Tom Brady — the soon-to-be 46-year-old who’s been the source of the Raiders’ misery for most of the past two decades. This would be like post-Achilles tear Kobe Bryant joining the Kings or current age Derek Jeter joining the Red Sox. It would be absolutely fucking disgusting. If Tom Brady joins the Raiders, I might need to take a step back and re-evaluate things.
No matter what happens, the simple fact is this: the Raiders should absolutely not be dealing with these kinds of problems last season. Let’s not forget that at this time last year, Las Vegas was gearing up for a playoff game (despite losing a head coach due to scandal, having our best WR literally kill someone, and every other horrible thing that happened), one which they would narrowly lose on the road to the eventual AFC champs. Then, in the off-season, the Raiders added arguably the best WR in football. So how the fuck does 10-7 + 17 = 6-11 in 2022? One name sticks out like a sore thumb. I was against McDaniels’ hiring from the beginning and he’s done nothing but prove me right. After blowing a 6-0 start and trading away his star QB (sensing a trend?) in Denver and ghosting everyone in Indianapolis, how did McDaniels fare in the first year of his undeserved second chance? Apart from showing he truly knows how to make the Broncos lose, he blew countless double digit leads, became the first and only coach to lose to Jeff Saturday, got shut out by one of the worst coaches in Raiders history, was gifted a win over his former employer by a bad call and possibly the dumbest play in NFL history, and boasted a defense so poor teams can literally play Ring around the Rosie before scoring a TD. In short, he took a tight-knit team that won a lot of close games (and added Davante fucking Adams) and turned it into a team that loses close games (and games that shouldn’t have been close), all while refusing to take responsibility and making it seem like this was his plan all along. I’m not saying Rich Bisaccia was the right guy, but he sure as hell wasn’t the wrong one.
The most fucked up part of all of this is that it’s not just McDaniels who’s shifting blame. Before and during this season, Mark Davis said this wasn’t a rebuild (not that it should have been — we were a fucking playoff team last season). Then suddenly he acts like this step back was expected and it’s time to retool the roster (which, again, is one year removed from the playoffs). How is it that everyone knew McDaniels would be a shitty hire, yet the one person with faith in him is the one who hired him? This year, Davis has soared up the rankings of shitty owners. The worst aspect of this is that he has to double down on McDaniels because he can’t afford to fire him, thanks to the money he still owes Jon Gruden, who should never have been fired in the first place. I had faith in Davis, but it appears that this is one apple who fell far, far from the tree. How else do you explain McDaniels, Gruden, and even the move to Las Vegas itself (plus the haircut, if we’re being honest)? Davis wants to move the franchise from Oakland (one of the most intimidating playing environments in football) to Las Vegas (literally the tourism capital of the country) and then complain about not having a home field advantage? All while displaying a shitty, inconsistent product and throwing out fans who complain? Perhaps whatever winning the Raiders have done since Al Davis’ passing has been in spite of his son.
(Honestly right now I can’t even properly get into the fact that we’re going to lose Josh Jacobs, who won the rushing title after the Raiders declined his 5th year option. While I plead with the football gods to let us keep him after all, I’ll write about his inevitable exit during the draft newsletter or next year’s Week 1 newsletter — whenever it happens)
With the conclusion of this season, it will officially be 20 years since the Raiders last won a playoff game. Given how last year went and the potential of this season, many fans expected this to be the year the team finally snapped the drought. Nope — same old Raiders. Given the situation before, during, and now in the immediate aftermath of what happened, this has to rank among the most disappointing, saddening seasons in Raiders history, especially in that two-decade (and growing) gap between playoffs wins. I mentioned last week that this was the week to properly vent our Raiders fan frustrations. Well, I’m not done yet. Not even close. As disappointing as this year has been, it’s got a lot of competition from the past 20 years of Raiders football. Let’s go back — all the way back — and relive the hurt. One name I will not mention is Antonio Brown, simply because I’m tired of talking about him. In the end, it’s a good thing that cunt never played a down for the Raiders. Fuck him now and forever.
TOP 10 MOST DISAPPOINTING, HEARTBREAKING RAIDERS MOMENTS OF THE PAST 20 YEARS
This is going to be absolutely, positively fucking painful.
HONORABLE MENTION: RANDY MOSS
Has your favorite team ever traded for one of the greatest WRs of all time, seen his production dip to historic lows, shipped him off for a 4th round pick, then immediately see him break many WR records as part of arguably the greatest team to never win a Super Bowl? Well, that’s what happened with the Raiders and Randy Moss. Did I mention that the pick Oakland sent to the Minnesota Vikings for Moss could’ve been used on Antrel Rolle or Carlos Rogers, instead of Fabian Washington — the Raiders’ later 1st round pick, one selection before Aaron Rodgers?
HONORABLE MENTION: THE 2017 SEASON
Coming off an unexpectedly good season the year prior, the Raiders actually had expectations going into the 2017 campaign. However, despite brushes with brilliance (including a thrilling Thursday night win over the Kansas City Chiefs), Oakland couldn’t really get everything on track, finishing 6-10 thanks to a six-game losing streak. The lowlight of the season had to be the Sunday night loss against the Cowboys, which saw Gene Steratore use a piece of paper to give Dallas a late 1st down and Derek Carr dive and fumble the ball out of the back of the end zone.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE COACHES
Looking at the list of Raiders coaches over the past 20 years is like looking at the waiver wire in a 16-team league — a lot of terrible names with little to get excited about. Bill Callahan only lasted one season after Super Bowl XXXVII. After him, the Raiders’ head coach list looks like this (in order): Norv Turner, Art Shell, Lane Kiffin, Tom Cable, Hue Jackson, Dennis Allen, Tony Sparano, Jack Del Rio, Jon Gruden, Rich Bisaccia, Josh McDaniels. That is… not good. By far the best and most productive coach on that list got canceled for basically being a Trumper.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE 2013/14 SEASONS
While Raiders fans knew these seasons weren’t going to end well (tanking and letting the picks taken thanks to that tanking get accustomed to the NFL), there were still plenty of lowlights in each of those two years to make them worth mentioning. Oakland ended 2013 on a six-game winning streak, gave up seven TDs in a single game to Nick Foles, and gave up 56 points at home to the Kansas City Chiefs. A year later, the Raiders started the season 0-10, got smacked by the Miami Dolphins at Wembley Stadium, and lost 52-0 to the eventual 6-10 St. Louis Rams.
11. THE 2021 SEASON
I was going back and forth with whether or not to include last season, with my late decision to do so resulting in this technically being a Top 11 list. While Las Vegas ended with a winning record and made the playoffs thanks to an all-time win over a division rival, the road to the postseason was basically this gif played out over 18 weeks. When you’re forced to release one of your 1st round picks after he made death threats on social media — and it’s maybe Top 3 in terms of craziest shit that happened that year — you know you’ve gone through one of the most insane seasons in sports history. I don’t need to go in depth in how head coach Jon Gruden was forced to resign after racist, misogynistic, homophobic emails of his were released, or how the Raiders’ other 2020 1st round pick, Henry Ruggs, killed a woman and her dog while driving drunk. Just know that there was enough pain, regret, negative publicity, and overall bullshit to prevent the feeling of just the second season in 20 years to end in a playoff berth being “good.”
10. THE 2010 SEASON
On paper, 2010 seems like a somewhat disappointing but overall okay season, especially given the Raiders finished with a non-losing record for the first time in eight years. After all, this was the year Oakland beat Denver 59-14, giving birth to one of the greatest memes in Raiders history. However, it was that win over the Broncos — along with five of Oakland’s eight victories that year — that bring the pain when looking back on the season. This was the year when the Raiders did something they hadn’t done in a long time — sweep the AFC West. That’s right — it may seem impossible , but just over a decade ago the Raiders went 6-0 against the Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, and San Diego Chargers. You’d think a team like that would coast to the playoffs. However, Oakland finished 8-8 and missed the playoffs, losing the division by two games to a team they beat twice. This is where the pain comes from and a theme emerges. The Raiders don’t just disappoint — they find new, creative, unique ways to make their fans suffer.
9. THE 2003 SEASON
This was the year the wheels fell off the wagon for the Raiders and the 20-year playoff win drought began. Coming off an appearance in Super Bowl XXXVII, Oakland was expected to at least be a contender to return to the title game. However, things went in the opposite direction. Defending MVP Rich Gannon gut hurt after a 2-3 start and the offense completely sucked shit. A five-game losing streak (which included defeats to the Lions, Browns, Jets, and Bears) sunk any chances of a return to the playoffs. The Raiders finished 4-12, which was tied for the worst record in the league. The team would soon be unrecognizable. Head coach Bill Callahan was fired. Tim Brown would be released, with Gannon and Jerry Rice also leaving Oakland soon. Taking their place was every negative Raiders stereotype over the past 20 years — the losing, the terrible drafting, the “dumb” mistakes. The only things keeping 2003 this far down are the drafting of Nnamdi Asomugha and playoff success actually being fresh in fans’ memories for once.
8. THE 2006 SEASON
Of all the bad seasons, terrible football, awful performances, and piles of losses, none of the past 20 years have been as statistically bad as 2006. Despite the aforementioned Randy Moss in the lineup, the beloved Art Shell returning as head coach, and Oakland’s defense genuinely being one of the best in the league, the Raiders’ putrid, butt trash offense dropped the team to lows not seen since 1962. With a QB room of Marques Tuiasosopo, Andrew Walter, and Aaron Brooks, the Raiders scored just 168 points all season, the fifth-fewest in a 16-game schedule. Losing streaks of six and eight games led to a 2-14 finish, the second-fewest wins in franchise history and easily the worst record in the league. Of all the bad Raiders football I’ve watched, this team is on a whole other level of shit. 2006 also capped a 15-49 stretch over the past four years. Shell was fired, Moss was traded, and it was clear the Raiders were in need of a rebuild. This process could begin in the 2007 Draft, which… we’ll definitely talk about that later, even though I don’t want to.
7. THE KHALIL MACK & AMARI COOPER TRADES
Oh god no Ruben’s about to talk about the Khalil Mack trade! Look, it’s been a while since my last rant about this, so things will be (slightly) softer, if only because a lot of that anger has been replaced by sadness. Just a year after reaching the playoffs for the first time in 14 seasons, the Raiders fired Jack Del Rio and gave Jon Gruden a ten-year deal, with Mike Mayock installed as a puppet GM. They then traded young defensive stud Khalil Mack (who was holding out) to the Chicago Bears for several picks. To see the young leader of the defense go just before the year began was stunning. Then, six games into 2018 and following an ass whooping by the Seattle Seahawks, the Raiders doubled down on surprise trades by shipping young star WR Amari Cooper to the Dallas Cowboys. While the impact of the trades will be debated for years, the fact that two promising players were traded within weeks was a huge gut punch. Plus, only one pick (Josh Jacobs) actually turned into anything, though Jacobs is likely gone in the offseason.
6. BACK-TO-BACK COLLAPSES
Even though the aforementioned Antonio Brown saga meant the Raiders’ biggest weapon was lost for 2019, they still managed to do well. In fact, they were 6-4 with a real chance to close out the Oakland era with a playoff berth. Then the Raiders lost 34-3 to the New York Jets and the wheels fell off the wagon. A 1-5 finish to the season ended the Bay Area era with a whimper. That would’ve been enough for its own entry, but now I have to lump 2019 together with 2020. That’s because despite the team moving to Las Vegas, retooling the roster, and not playing in front of fans, the following season played out in pretty much the same fashion. The Raiders beat the goddamn Kansas City Chiefs in Arrowhead and were 6-3 — then came the collapse. Losses in five of their final seven games meant a 8-8 finish and another missed opportunity. Lowlights include a 43-6 loss to the Atlanta Falcons and two of the most embarrassing choke jobs I’ve ever seen back-to-back at home against the Los Angeles Chargers and Miami Dolphins.
5. A FAREWELL TO OAKLAND
I already wrote about this in the last newsletter. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Fuck this game.
Remember when I said we’d talk about the 2007 Draft? Well, did you know the Raiders actually made a good pick and took Zach Miller in the 2nd round? Granted, before that happened the Raiders looked at a draft class full of future (and one current) HOFers, All-Pro members, and Pro Bowlers and decided to take JaMarcus Russell, who has only Ryan Leaf to thank for not being unanimously considered the biggest draft bust in NFL history. Like Leaf, Russell pissed off teammates and coaches with his questionable work ethic (the infamous blank tape story being a prime example), all while holding out into Week 1 until he signed a six-year deal with $31.5M guaranteed. Then he proceeded to play like absolute dogshit for three years, balloon in weight to the point where he was literally bigger than some members of his OL, and be cut before the start of the 2010 season. Russell’s career stats: 31 games played (25 started), 4,803 passing yards, a 52.1% completion rate, 18 TDs, and 23 INTs. He simply got paid and stopped caring.
3. DRAFTING
JaMarcus Russell is the best example of perhaps the Raiders’ biggest problem over the past 20 years: the sheer inability to draft well with their top picks. Since 2003, the Raiders have had 21 1st round draft picks, including nine in the Top 10 and 13 in the Top 15. Let’s name off some of the illustrious picks — Robert Gallery, Fabian Washington, Michael Huff, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Rolando McClain, D.J. Hayden, Karl Joseph, Gareon Conley, Clelin Ferrell, Alex Leatherwood. Not exactly elite talent, is it? That’s not even getting into the 1st rounders from 2020 (Henry Ruggs/Damon Arnette). It’s not just the list of shitty draft picks, but also the often elite talent that the Raiders pass up right in front of them. I can think of exactly five good 1st round picks in this time: Nnamdi Asomugha (great player wasted on a shit team), Khalil Mack, Amari Cooper (both traded on their rookie deals), Kolton Miller, and Josh Jacobs (likely gone after this year). So even when the Raiders manage to pick a good player, they don’t stay on the roster for long.
2. THE 2011 SEASON
For as much as he can be blamed for a lot of the losing over the past 20 years, Al Davis is the most iconic Raider ever and is largely responsible for every success the franchise had. Davis passed away in 2011, leaving a massive hole both metaphorically and physically within the organization. While Davis’ death was of course incredibly sad, it truly hurt after Jason Campbell suffered a broken collarbone during Week 6, with the Raiders at 4-2. In Davis’ absence, future 0-16 head coach Hue Jackson decided to trade a large chunk of Oakland’s draft capital for Carson Palmer. After a rough start, Palmer started to find his footing, with the Raiders at 7-4 and needing just two more victories to claim a terrible AFC West. Oakland went 1-4, finished 8-8, and missed the playoffs, a scenario that likely doesn’t happen if Campbell stays healthy. The Raiders also wouldn’t have made the trade with the Cincinnati Bengals, which has since gone down as one of the most lopsided trades in recent memory. Surprisingly, Jackson was fired not long after.
1. THE 2016 SEASON
This was the year. In 2016, everything finally came together for the Raiders. The young offense of MVP candidate Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, Michael Crabtree, and Latavius Murray absolutely caught fire, torching the league with the help of arguably the best offensive line in football. Khalil Mack became a god, being named DPOY. Oakland had by far its best season since 2002, with a 12-4 record earning a playoff berth. But one play changed everything. With the Raiders on their way to an eighth win in nine games, Carr broke his leg while being sacked, ending his season and effectively killing any hope Oakland had. A potential AFC West title and first round bye turned into a Wild Card loss to Brock Osweiler and the Houston Texans. Carr would never be the same and the other stars would leave soon. These Raiders were like the 2021 Cincinnati Bengals — a young, flawed, but talented squad that went on a run. With a healthy Carr, that could’ve happened to the Raiders. Alas, hope was ripped away in the most painful fashion possible.
If you think Ewing benefited from the Bills-Bengals no contest, just you wait…
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
On January 12, 2013, a miraculous play led to the demise of a Super Bowl favorite and helped an elite playoff run continue on to a title. That favorite was the Denver Broncos, who were coming off an insane season that saw their own incredible play — Tim Tebow to Demaryius Thomas in OT of the postseason. Not satisfied with Tebow at QB, Denver dropped a nuclear bomb on the NFL by signing Peyton Manning, the Indianapolis Colts icon who had been cut after missing the 2011 season following multiple neck surgeries. Though no one knew how he would bounce back from those procedures, Manning set the league on fire, breaking multiple records as the Broncos ended the season on an 11-game winning streak, which propelled them to the No. 1 seed in the AFC. Manning’s first playoff game in Denver would be against the Baltimore Ravens, who had been one of the better teams since Joe Flacco took over as QB in 2008. But, Baltimore hadn’t been able to get over the hump, notably losing in the previous season’s AFC championship game when Billy Cundiff’s chip shot FG sailed wide with seconds to play. While the Ravens already had motivation going into this season, former owner and Cleveland’s public enemy No. 1, Art Modell, died just before Week 1. While the Ravens rolled out to a 9-2 record, a 1-5 end to the season (including a 34-17 loss to the Broncos in Baltimore) led many to be down on their chances going into the playoffs. Leave it to team icon Ray Lewis to announce, before the Wild Card, that he would retire at season’s end. In Lewis’ final home game, the Ravens dominated the Colts 24-9 to punch their ticket to Denver, where many expected their season (and Lewis’ career) to end.
Ironically, the fact that this game was in Denver might’ve hampered Manning — the 13-degree kickoff weather (the coldest playoff game at Mile High) forced him to wear gloves. The Broncos still started hot, though it wasn’t due to Manning — Trindon Holliday returned the first punt of the game 90 yards for a TD. However, three plays later the game was tied, with Flacco finding Torrey Smith for a 59-yard TD. Baltimore then went up 14-7 thanks to a pick six by Corey Graham on the Broncos’ next possession, though Manning responded with a drive that ended with a TD pass to Brandon Stokley. A 14-yard TD pass to Knowshon Moreno gave Denver a 21-14 lead, one that threatened to increase with just over a minute left in the half. But Matt Prater missed a 52-yard FG, with the Ravens taking advantage and tying the score at 21-21 with a 32-yard score by Smith. Holliday gave Denver the lead just 13 seconds into the second half, returning the kickoff 104 yards for a TD. Late in the 3rd quarter, Manning fumbled while being sacked, with Paul Kruger recovering it for the Ravens. Five Ray Rice runs later, the score was tied 28-28. Midway into the 4th quarter, the Broncos took the lead again, this time with a 17-yard pass to Thomas. Baltimore drove the ball to Denver’s 31-yard line, but turned it over on downs with 3:16 left. The Ravens were able to force a punt, but got the ball back with just 1:09 to play. An incomplete pass and a Flacco run for seven yards later, Baltimore faced 3rd & 3 from their 30-yard line.
Facing pressure in the pocket, Flacco stepped up and heaved it down the right side of the field. Tony Carter failed his assignment on Jacoby Jones, who had broken free on that side. Expecting a shorter pass, Rahim Moore and Jim Leonhard got caught out of position. The ball sailed over Moore’s outstretched hand and right to Jones, who caught it and sprinted into the end zone for the 70-yard, game-tying TD. With 41 seconds left and two timeouts, Broncos head coach John Fox controversially decided to have his team simply kneel down to send it into OT, the second playoff game in a row in Denver to reach the extra frame. After three straight punts to start OT, Denver got a promising drive going, only for Manning’s pass to Stokely to be picked off by Graham (his second INT of the game) at the Broncos’ 45-yard line. As the final seconds of OT ticked down, Rice broke an 11-yard run that got the Ravens into FG range. Four plays later (and now in double OT), rookie Justin Tucker kicked a 47-yard FG to give Baltimore the incredible 38-35 victory, sending them back to the AFC title game and ending Denver’s season. This game — dubbed the Mile High Miracle — remains the most recent NFL playoff game to end in double OT. One of six to do so, it was the first since 2004 (and second since 1987), and at a total length of 76:42 is the fourth-longest game in NFL history. It was ranked by NFL.com as the #1 NFL game of the 2012-13 season and is considered one of the best games of the 2010s, if not ever.
As for the participants, Baltimore would carry that momentum and (in a rematch of the previous AFC title game) stomp the New England Patriots 28-13. In the final game of Lewis’ career, Flacco continued his elite play, Jones scored twice (and booked himself a spot on Dancing with the Stars), and head coach John Harbaugh ensured awkward family dinners forever by winning Super Bowl XLVII 34-31 over brother Jim Harbaugh’s San Francisco 49ers. As defending champs, the Ravens were scheduled to host the 2013 Kickoff Game. But due to a scheduling conflict with the Baltimore Orioles, the Ravens were forced to begin the ensuing season on the road. Naturally, the season opener would take place in Denver, where a pissed off Broncos beat the fuck out of the Ravens 49-27, behind seven TDs from Manning (who would win MVP). The Broncos would put up one of the greatest offensive seasons in NFL history en route to an appearance in Super Bowl XLVIII, where they would get smacked by the Seattle Seahawks (Denver’s defense would carry Manning’s corpse to a title two years later). Meantime, Baltimore would miss the playoffs, but returned the following year. The Ravens have won just two playoff games since their Super Bowl run, but have a chance to add to that total this weekend. Also, before I had to move back the newsletter, this section was going to be about the legendary Wild Card game between the 49ers and New York Giants. Somehow, Ewing wins again.
OTHER NOTABLE HAPPENINGS:
— 1997: The Green Bay Packers and New England Patriots defeat the Carolina Panthers and Jacksonville Jaguars (both in their second year of existence) to reach Super Bowl XXXI
— 1992: The Buffalo Bills defeat the Denver Broncos to reach Super Bowl XXVI (their second straight), as do the Washington Redskins, who defeat the Detroit Lions (their first NFC title game)
— 1986: The Chicago Bears and New England Patriots advance to Super Bowl XX (the first for either franchise), dominating the Los Angeles Rams and Miami Dolphins, respectively
— 1975: The Pittsburgh Steelers win their first championship (and first of four in six years), defeating the Minnesota Vikings (their second Super Bowl loss in a row) 16-6 in Super Bowl IX
— 1969: In a game that had absolutely no implications on NFL history, the New York Jets upset the Baltimore Colts 16-7 in Super Bowl III, becoming the first AFL team to win the Super Bowl
— 1946: The defending NFL champion Cleveland Rams are granted permission to move to Los Angeles, becoming the first professional sports franchise to be located west of Kansas City
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 GOAT GOATS
For the third and final time this season, I must mention the 2022 FIFA World Cup. It’s not just because it was the greatest World Cup final ever, but because I actually got a prediction right. Two newsletters ago, I said Lionel Messi would finally lift his first world championship trophy and give Argentina its third star. That’s exactly what happened (ignore the fact that I also predicted Germany would reach the final and not go out in the group stage like they actually did). Winning the World Cup was the one major accomplishment Messi had yet to achieve. His trophy cabinet is insane — several UEFA Champions League, La Liga, Copa del Rey, and individual player of the year awards. Throw in this World Cup trophy and the Copa America he won with Argentina last year and there is no notable piece of hardware Messi does not own. Add on his statistics (goals and assists for club and country) and incredibly effective style of play and, for many, Messi has solidified himself as the GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) of soccer.
But for as incredible Messi’s career has been, that case is not 100% foolproof — not for anything he hasn’t done, but for the cases others could make. While the likes of Johan Cruyff, Alfredo di Stefano, Ronaldo, Ferenc Puskas, Bobby Charlton, and (fine) Cristiano Ronaldo have their own compelling cases, in my opinion only three players can truly lay claim to being the soccer GOAT. Messi of course is one of them. Another is the man whose ghost hung over Messi’s head even before he actually died — Diego Maradona. The Messi before Messi, Maradona was a small yet phenomenal player who fucking dominated everywhere he played. Like Messi, Maradona went 1-1 at World Cups. Although he never won the Copa America or Champions League, Maradona’s fame and legacy had an arguably bigger peak than Messi, at least in part due to Maradona’s legendary off-field escapades. The other player is, of course, Pele. While Pele never won the Copa America and never played in Europe (making club trophy comparisons difficult), he dominated in his native Brazil, helped spark the first soccer boom in the U.S., owns the official world record for most goals scored, and is the only player to have won three World Cups. For me, it’s so difficult to separate Pele and Messi at the top (Messi still hasn’t retired, so he could add even more to his legacy). My personal rankings see Pele and Messi tied at the top, with Maradona at a close third. But even then, things could change — Messi won that World Cup despite the best efforts of Kylian Mbappe. Arguably the future GOAT, the 23-year-old has already won a World Cup and scored a hat trick in the final. He has more than a decade to add to that already incredible list of statistics, both internationally and at club level.
Soccer, of course, isn’t the only sport with a GOAT debate. When it comes to the other football (football), the sheer differences in position roles have names like Jerry Rice, Jim Brown, and Lawrence Taylor among the football GOAT considerations. But for many, that honor goes to the man who supplanted the past GOAT, Joe Montana, as the best QB ever — Tom Brady. This season might be Brady’s last (please oh please of please), but given his whole temporary retirement debacle last season the tributes that will flow after his eventual permanent retirement will be weird. If this is Brady’s last season, it will be one shitty way to go, given how his team’s playing. Another popular GOAT debate centers around basketball. With all due respect to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Wilt Chamberlain, and Bill Russell, the basketball GOAT debate centers around Michael Jordan and LeBron James. To be honest, I don’t know why — for as amazing as James is, Jordan is clearly a step ahead and the order is Jordan on top, followed by James at No. 2. When it comes to the baseball GOAT, I’m not sure we’ll ever get a solid answer. Is it a stellar pitcher like Nolan Ryan, Greg Maddux, Randy Johnson, or Sandy Koufax, an everyday player like Mike Trout, Reggie Jackson, Ted Williams, Willie Mays, or Mickey Mantle, or someone shrouded in controversy like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, or Alex Rodriguez (fuck A-Rod)? Honestly, despite the wide spectrum and long history of MLB, you can probably just say Babe Ruth and most people will agree with you.
This got me thinking, who are the GOAT GOATs, the people who were so unquestionably dominant at their particular sports that no one else can claim that title? Forget even having a GOAT debate about their sports — these people were so incredible at what they did best that their only competition when it comes to legacy is other people who were as dominant at what they did best. Because of the fact that there even is competition for their titles, everyone in the sports I’ve mentioned above does not qualify. Other notable sports like boxing (Muhammad Ali, Rocky Marciano, Sugar Ray Robinson, Floyd Mayweather Jr [fuck him]), tennis (Roger Federer, Raphael Nadal, Novak Djokovic, Serena Williams), golf (Tiger Woods, Jack Nicklaus, Riaz Ahmed), and racing (Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt, Jimmie Johnson, Lewis Hamilton, Michael Schumacher, Ayrton Senna) don’t quality for those same reasons. There are some other popular sports, but a lot of these are fairly specific and to be honest stretch the limits of the word “sport.” But once you see the batshit crazy stats and accomplishments they’ve put up, you’ll know why I had to include them. Shoutout to Ingemar Stenmark (alpine skiing), Usain Bolt (spriting), John Tavares — no not that one — (box lacrosse), and Georges St-Pierre (MMA [fuck you this is my list]), who just missed out on the final cut.
HONORABLE MENTION: PHIL TAYLOR (DARTS)
If you visit Phil Taylor’s Wikipedia page, you have to scroll about five full times in order to get through his list of accomplishments. The best darts player of all time, Taylor owns the record for major tournament wins (85) and world titles (16) by wide margins. He’s also the richest darts player ever and was named one of the Top 10 greatest British sportsmen of the past 35 years in 2015. The one thing keeping the 61-year-old Taylor (who retired in 2018) from the final list is Michael van Gerwen — who at just 32 years old is threatening to stake his own GOAT claim.
HONORABLE MENTION: ALADAR GEREVICH (FENCING)
Often regarded as the “greatest Olympic swordsman ever,” Aladar Gerevich won seven gold medals in six straight games from 1932-60 (the 1940 and 1944 editions were canceled due to World War II) as a member of Hungary’s fencing team. That last title — 28 years after the first — almost didn’t happen, because Hungary’s fencing committee told a 50-year-old Gerevich he was too old to compete. Enraged, he challenged every member of that team to an individual match, beating all of them and earning a roster spot. Gerevich even has an asteroid named after him.
HONORABLE MENTION: JOEY CHESTNUT (EATING)
In 2007, Joey Chestnut won the most prestigious eating competition — Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest — for the first time, shattering the record with 66 dogs and buns consumed. Since then, he’s tallied 15 yellow mustard belts (losing only once) and upping the record to 76, equivalent to eating over 7 1/2 hot dogs a minute. But Chestnut isn’t just a one-food performer. He’s set the world record in 55 disciplines, including eggs, donuts, gyros, twinkies, pastrami, gumbo, funnel cake, Philly cheesesteak, pierogi, and 11 different kinds of sandwiches. He also did this once.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE GREAT GAMA (PEHLWANI)
Spoiler alert: there will be another wrestler on this list. But I felt compelled to include Ghulam Mohammad Baksh Butt (known as The Great Gama) because of what he achieved during his career, which spanned the early days of wrestling before different disciplines were truly formed. Gama — who used the Pehlwani style based in South Asia — is recognized as the only wrestler who remained unbeaten across his 52-year career, including decades after winning India’s heavyweight title in 1910. Gama was also only 5’7″, which makes his feat even more amazing.
HONORABLE MENTION: JOHN BRZENK (ARM WRESTLING)
John Brzenk was an arm wrestler, but his legacy is giving birth to the legend of John Brzenk, Jr. The younger Brzenk took after his father, arm wrestling as a youth and breaking his arm while facing a friend of his father. However, he says the break actually increased his tendon strength tremendously. As a pro, Brzenk won dozens of competitions and championships, with his first world title coming at age 19. He retired at age 51, only to return six years later and become ranked No. 1 in the 225-pound division again. Naturally, Brzenk made a cameo in Over the Top.
T10. KELLY SLATER (SURFING)
This past February, Kelly Slater turned 50. Just days earlier, Slater won the Billabong Pipeline Masters for a record eighth time (twice as many as the next best), beating 24-year-old Seth Moniz — son of his former rival, Tony — in the final. 30 years earlier, Slater won that competition for the first time, becoming the youngest ever surfing world champion. These are the kind of stats Slater has racked up in his legendary career, which has left him as the undisputed GOAT of surfing. Slater has 11 career World Surf League championships (by far the record), including five in a row (also a record) from 1994-98, and the most career event wins. Most of those titles came before Slater’s current competitors in the water were even born. Even in old age (for surfers), Slater made history. In 2005, he became the first surfer to be awarded two perfect scores in the two-wave system — he would do it again eight years later. Slater is also the oldest surfer to perform a ten-point ride in WSL competition, doing so in 2019 — at the age of 47.
T10. EFREN REYES (POOL)
When he was five years old, Efren Reyes moved in with his uncle, who owned a pool hall in Manila. Reyes would develop a love of pool, cleaning the hall, sleeping on tables, and standing on an empty soda case to play. After dominating his native Philippines, Reyes moved to the U.S. and began a tenure of hustling people, once reportedly winning $80K in a single week under the alias “Cesar Morales.” Eventually, Reyes started dominating the best of the best, winning the U.S. Open 9-Ball title in 1994 (becoming the first non-American to do so). The next year, Reyes lived up to his nickname, “The Magician,” by executing his famous “Z Shot” — considered the greatest shot in pool history — to beat Earl Strickland. In 1997, Reyes and Strickland competed in a three-day event named after The Color of Money with a $100K winner-take-all prize (still the largest for a single match in pool history). Reyes came back from down 17 racks to win the event. Reyes’ accomplishments and vision make him the pool GOAT.
9. HAKUHO SHO (SUMO)
The GOAT of sumo wrestling — arguably the most traditionally Japanese sport in existence — isn’t even from Japan. Hakuho Sho, born in Mongolia as Mönkhbatyn Davaajargal, reached the highest rank in sumo, yokozuna, in 2007 and retained that title for a record 14 years (ending with his retirement in 2021). He picked up several more records during that time, including most career championships (45 — the second-most, 32, was the record for 44 years), unbeaten titles (16 — double the next mark of eight), wins (1187 — 100 more than second), top division wins (1093 — 200 more than second), and most wins in a year (86 — he did it twice). Hakuho’s last title came in 2021 in what in terms of injury recovery was basically sumo’s equivalent of Tiger Woods’ 2019 Masters win. What’s incredible is that Hakuho isn’t the biggest, strongest, or fastest wrestler — he’s technically astounding and a great anticipator. Upon his retirement, a Washington Post columnist even called Hakuho the “greatest figure in sports, maybe ever.”
8. JAHANGIR KHAN (SQUASH)
When talking about GOATs, the conversation often turns to the peak of their dominance — just how badly they fucked up their competition in their prime. In this instance, few can ever claim to have been as dominant as Jahangir Khan, the GOAT of squash/Pakistani Uncle Rico. In 1981 — two years after becoming the youngest ever World Amateur Individual champion at 15 — Khan became the youngest ever World Open winner at 17. That kicked off an unmatched run of dominance — Khan would not lose again for another five years, accumulating an amazing 555 consecutive victoriesin that time. That included the first five of his record ten straight British Open title wins, four more of his six total World Open wins, and a tournament run where he didn’t lose a single game. Khan’s greatest strength was his fitness — he simply ran opponents into the ground, like when he won the then-record longest ever squash match (two hours, 46 seconds). Not bad for a guy born with a double hernia and told to avoid serious exercise.
7. MICHAEL PHELPS (SWIMMING)
It’s one thing to dominate your respective sport, like Michael Phelps did with swimming — the swimming GOAT has more FINA World Aquatics Championship medals (33) and gold medals (26) than anyone else by far, eight World Swimmer of the Year honors, and the 400M individual medley world record (he also previously owned three other world record). But it’s another to dominate the most prestigious athletics competition in the world. Phelps’ career haul at the Olympics is otherworldly — 23 gold medals (second place has nine) and 28 overall medals (ten more than second place). Four times in a row, Phelps won more gold medals and total medals than anyone else at the Olympics. The 2008 games were his crowning achievement, breaking the record for most gold medals at a single Olympics with eight. Phelps’ lengthy dominance is even more incredible considering that swimming is dominated by young people (teens to early 20’s) and Phelps was 31 in his last Olympics (he won five gold medals and a silver medal).
6. EDDIE FEIGNER (SOFTBALL)
If Eddie Feigner wasn’t the softball GOAT, he’d still be one of the most interesting people you’d ever heard of. Then you throw in his softball skills and he becomes the Dos Equis guy. Feigner could throw the ball at over 100 mph from a variety of windups, including behind the back, between his legs, and from second base. He was so good he was banned from competing in the National Softball championship. So he took three of his friends and began what would become a worldwide tour, challenging the best softball teams on the planet. Over the next 50+ years, Feigner’s team (nicknamed “The King and his Court”) played in over 11,000 games as softball’s Harlem Globetrotters, scoring 9,743 wins. Feigner was unhittable on the mound, recording 141,517 strikeouts (8,698 of them while blindfolded) and throwing 930 no-hitters and 238 perfect games. During one charity game, Feigner struck out Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Brooks Robinson, Roberto Clemente, Maury Wills, and Harmon Killebrew — all in a row.
5. ESTHER VERGEER (WHEELCHAIR TENNIS)
When she was a small child, Esther Vergeer suffered a series of strokes and other brain issues due to a vascular myelopathy around her spinal cord. She had the abnormality removed, but was left paralyzed below the waist. During rehabilitation, Vergeer learned how to play tennis and discovered she had a knack for the game. She turned pro in 1995 and retired in 2013 — during that time, she became arguably the most dominant player in professional sports. 21 major championships, 14 Masters titles, 27 doubles major titles, and eight Paralympic medals (seven gold, one silver) only begin to describe Vergeer’s incredible skill. She became the No. 1 ranked wheelchair player in 1999 and (for the most part) kept that rank until her retirement. On January 30, 2003, Vergeer lost to Daniela di Toro, with her record a still amazing 225-25. But then she didn’t lose again, literally — Vergeer won the final 470 matches of her singles career. During that streak, she did not lose a game 95 times and lost just 18 sets. Absolute dominance.
4. MARION TINSLEY (CHECKERS)
Derek Oldbury, considered the second-greatest checkers player of all time, once described Marion Tinsley as “to checkers what Leonardo da Vinci was to science, what Michelangelo was to art, and what Beethoven was to music.” Tinsley, a mathematician and professor who had a secondary gig as a lay preacher, had a hobby of playing checkers and was so good he’s by all acclaim the checkers GOAT. In fact, “good” doesn’t get close to describing his skill. From 1950 to his death in 1995, Tinsely won nine world championship titles and lost zero matches, only dropping seven total games in that 45-year span. Five of those losses were to humans — the only thing that could take multiple games off him was Chinook, a computer program specifically made to play checkers. But even then, Tinsley was still able to win the match with an incredible comeback that Chinook’s creator claimed was due to Tinsley being able to see 64 moves ahead. Sadly, a rematch between the two was interrupted by Tinsley’s fatal cancer diagnosis.
3. DON BRADMAN (CRICKET)
In cricket, batting average relates to the average number of runs a batter scores before they are called out. World class players at their peak typically have an average of around 50. Adam Voges is currently second all time with a batting average of 61.87. The top spot belongs to Don Bradman, with an average of 99.94. That is, to put it mildly, fucking astounding, considering teams generally score 300-400 runs every match. In fact, Bradman’s batting average in test matches has been described by some as the greatest achievement by any sportsman in any major sport. Incredibly, Bradman’s average was actually 101.39 going into his final career at-bat, but he got out after just his second ball, dropping to 99.94. In the 1930’s, the English team developed a tactic called “bodyline” just to counter Bradman’s skill — it was so controversial that it threatened diplomatic relations between Australia and England. In Australia, Bradman is Babe Ruth combined with Michael Jordan. He’s the Australian sports icon and the cricket GOAT.
2. WAYNE GRETZKY (ICE HOCKEY)
While he was average in terms of size, speed, power, and handling, Wayne Gretzky had no peers when it came to anticipation, vision, and fitness. That’s how Gretzky broke hockey. Stats about Gretzky are some of my favorite in all of sports, because they’re just plain stupid. Gretzky finished his NHL career with 2,857 points (goals and assists) — more than 900 above second place. If you take away Gretzky’s 894 goals, he’d still be the NHL’s all time points leader (not to mention he’d still have 11 straight 100-point seasons and four scoring titles). Divide his career numbers in half and he’s still No. 17 on the points list. Gretzky is the only player to record 200 points in one season — he did it four times. I could go on listing insane Gretzky stats — read through these comments to continue to have your mind blown. But maybe the most incredible Gretzky fact was that at his peak, you couldn’t draft him in fantasy hockey. Instead, you had to either draft Gretzky (goals) or Gretzky (assists). He broke fantasy hockey. The hockey GOAT truly is “the Great One.”
1. ALEKSANDR KARELIN (WRESTLING)
Wrestling has several disciplines and weight classes, so you’d think it’d be tough to nail down a wrestling GOAT. But Aleksandr Karelin has my vote — for good reason. Representing Russia from 1987-2000, “The Experiment” compiled a 13-year unbeaten run and stunning record of 887-2 — both losses coming by a single point. An absolute fucking monster, Karelin never lost a world championship match, winning nine gold medals. Karelin also won 13 European titles, including in 1996, when he competed with a torn pec (then won his third straight Olympic gold medal three months later). Four years earlier, Karelin won his second Olympic gold medal — his matches lasted a total of seven minutes. Going into the 2000 Olympics, Karelin wasn’t just unbeaten — no one had even scored a point on him in over six years. Then, in the gold medal match, a combination of luck, defensive strategy, and a controversial rule saw him lose to Rulon Gardner in a massive upset on par with the Miracle on Ice and Mike Tyson-Buster Douglas.
FEARSOME FORE-SOMES
For nearly as long as we can remember, every Thanksgiving, we’ve gathered together to play an early morning football game. It’s a chance to see everyone, catch up, and have some fun. Over the last few years however, due to a combination of people not being able to make it, people we’ve brought in taking things way too seriously, and our aging bodies not exactly being able to take a tackle, that tradition has sort of died. But, wanting to keep Thanksgiving hangouts going, this year we opted to play a round of golf that morning instead. It had been a while since some of us had played, but we all had fun and nice memories were made. However, for Jimmy, a seed was planted, an idea for a new tradition.
A couple of weeks and one more round of golf later, Jimmy had put together plans for a Christmas Eve golf event at the world-renowned William Land Golf Course. Dubbed the “Double Bogey Open,” eight players would be split into four teams, paired up into two foursomes. They would be competing for two prizes — best individual score and best team score. Because Jimmy was organizing the event, it had more rules regarding alcohol consumption than actual play. On top of the drinks we could have during play, each pair would provide a beverage for all us to consume on a specific hole, with us alternating between non-drinking and drinking holes. Naturally, because this is an event involving this league, not everyone could make it — in fact, there were seven of us (Jimmy, me, Ewing, Arik, Richard, Riaz, and Nick). Also naturally, Jimmy had a backup entrant — his brother, Thomas. After an elaborate, professionally put-together draft (sponsored by Fireball and Coors Light), the teams were set. The first foursome would consist of Arik and Riaz (Team Angry Birdies) and Nick and I (the Mookie Men), while the second foursome would be Jimmy and Ewing (the Boozesome Twosome) and Richard and Thomas (I don’t think they actually came up with a team name).
Of course, there was some official business to take care of before the first group teed off. I had been holding onto the Jop ever since it had been made. Finally, with last place decided and Riaz actually showing up to something, the league’s newest trophy could finally be awarded.
As you could probably see in the background of that picture, it was pretty fucking foggy on Christmas Eve morning. Given that we’re not exactly PGA Tour (or LIV, for that matter) quality players, adding the issue of not being able to see where your ball lands had the danger of making this a bigger shit show than it was going to be. Factor in the (more than usual) drinking and the second foursome looked like the definition of pure chaos. Fortunately for me, I would be playing ahead of them. Still, while Nick and I had our own known chaos, the unknown combo of Riaz and Arik threatened to throw its own spin onto proceedings.
The literal first shot of the Open seemed to be a sign of things to come. Nick’s drive sailed left and (despite having a bright red ball) he couldn’t find it, forcing him to take a drop on the first hole (the ball was later found on the fairway of the second hole). My shot sailed slightly far, while Riaz and Arik broke out a “slow but steady” approach, although Riaz was a little more steady. Two bogeys and two double bogeys later, the four of us had somehow finished the easiest hole on the course. After letting the second group know we were done (they literally couldn’t see us in the fog), we collected the Hole 2 drinks provided by Thomas and Richard (mini bottles of peanut butter whiskey) and the Double Bogey Open was truly underway.
Despite not being able to see the second flag, we fired our second tee shots into the abyss. Interestingly, Nick and I played through the right side of the hole, while Riaz and Arik took a while to navigate the left. Incredibly, I bogeyed the second hole as well and hit my third tee shot onto the green. This might’ve been the best start to a round of golf I had ever had. Naturally, my putter hit the ground before hitting the ball, fucking up my short game and resulting in me getting a double bogey — that was one fewer than Arik, whose first shot didn’t make it past the kids tee box. My woes would continue on the fourth hole, and not just because I was forced to consume Ewing and Jimmy’s alcohol choice (a mini bottle of Fireball). My tee shot grazed off a tree and I couldn’t get any air under my shots. Meanwhile, Riaz would actually finish on par — the only time anyone in our group did so all day. Naturally, when he went to tee off on the next hole, Riaz managed to grab his pencil instead of a tee.
Things got more interesting on Hole 5. Riaz (after finally finding a tee) almost killed a goose, Arik and Nick sliced their shots into the trees, and I managed to get my drive back. But because of the course layout, this hole ran directly alongside the one we had just completed, meaning for the first time since we teed off all eight of us would be able to interact. Nick and I decided to swing our cart back to the previous hole and fuck with the second foursome — I stole one of Thomas’ clubs as we drove by before handing it back to him. Perhaps it was because they had just downed their mini Fireball bottles, but that group seemed to be feeling it more than we were. In a bit of karmic retribution, my shots then proceeded to slice right and barely get off the ground. After getting in and out of a bunker (and drastically fucking up my putts), I walked off the fifth green with an embarrassing 11 strokes (the worst hole in our while foursome) added to my score.
I needed something to turn my luck around. Unexpectedly, that something came in the form of a bottle of Bravacha Horchata Peppermint Cream Liqueur — the drink Nick and I provided for Hole 6. I had never had it before but Nick and I wanted to be festive and Danelle spotted it while the two were at Total Wine & More. It is now my new favorite alcoholic beverage. Holy shit it tastes like the best parts of Christmas. It was so good, the four of us collectively decided to take a second shot. We would’ve had more had we not realized there was less than a third of the bottle left and we were obligated to provide the other guys with this alcohol. After wrapping up Hole 6 (and unloading our bladders in a discrete location) Nick and I drove back to deliver the goods.
Had I not been in such a good mood, my reaction to what I saw at the fifth green would’ve been much more severe. I hate to point out a controversy in what should’ve been a 100% fun day. As we pulled up, Thomas attempted to chip his ball onto the green. His shot was way too strong and appeared to be on its way off the other side of the green, when Ewing (who was holding the flag) reached out with his foot and stopped the ball right by the hole. This clear collusion and chicanery did not go unnoticed and all of the scores for the second foursome (at the very least Thomas’) must have an asterisk next to them.
Nick and I rejoined Riaz and Arik on Hole 7 and (after a quick piss from Nick) got our balls in the hole, although it took Riaz a few putts (and a “are you too good for your home?” lecture to his ball). As we circled back around to Hole 8, we heard an anguished scream from Ewing on the sixth green. I don’t know what happened, but given what happened on the previous hole I expect it was the golf gods getting back at them. Anyway, it was time for Arik and Riaz to dish out their drinks — bottles of 805/Michelob Ultra. However, they had started drinking that supply beforehand and only had one beer to spare. Fortunately, I had brought a bunch of lemonade seltzers and had enough left over to fill out the order for the second foursome. We left the bottles/cans in the used tee box and shouted at the other group to let them know. However, given that they each had just shotgunned a beer, they had no idea what the fuck we were saying.
After texting a picture to the group chat instead, we teed off on Hole 8. Although Nick (after a quick piss) and I got off to decent drives, our mid and short games were all over the place. Arik and Riaz meanwhile kept things slow and steady and finished with respectable scores. As we approached the ninth and final hole (where a guy was picking up the shit his dog just took), we realized none of us had used our mulligans (we were each given one to use during the round — and only after a drive). This came up clutch for me (I sliced the living shit out of my drive), Nick (ditto, after taking a quick piss), and Riaz (whose ball landed right behind a tree). Both second attempts were much better and all of us were able to get onto the green and wrapped up in due time, after another bathroom break by Nick (seriously, he peed on the course like five times during the final four holes).
It was then time to sit back and wait for the second foursome to finish. But as they moved up Hole 9, we didn’t expect that we would be in the line of fire. Despite standing closer to the clubhouse than the green, both Jimmy and Thomas sent their shots along the cart path. They each were able to get on the green and (after some close missed putts) everyone had finished. We then went to the tables outside the clubhouse and began to calculate who won.
When it comes to individual performances, Richard (68) and Nick (66) brought up the rear. After that, it was a four-way tie for third place, as Arik, Jimmy, Ewing, and Thomas each finished with a 58. In an incredible turnaround, despite finishing in the double digits on two holes, I managed to finish second with a 57 (and beat Ewing and Jimmy in golf for the first time ever). But in the surprise of the competition, Riaz — on the same day he received the Jop as a result of finishing last in fantasy football — smoked the competition on the course, winning the inaugural Double Bogey Open with an incredible score of 51! Going back to the third place tie, given that Thomas’ chip on the fifth hole was controversially aided by Ewing, I have no choice but to add a stroke to each score as punishment, meaning Arik and Jimmy share the bronze. As far as the team competition goes, Team Angry Birdies (Arik and Riaz) easily took home the win with a combined score of 109. The Boozesome Twosome (Ewing and Jimmy) ended up second with 116, while the Mookie Men (Nick and I) edged out Richard and Thomas for third, 123 to 126.
More than any score and placement, what really mattered was that the Double Bogey Open was fucking fun. There was plenty of drinking, plenty of golf, and plenty of hanging out with good friends. While I’d like to see us go out and play golf more often (and somewhere other than Land Park), I’d also like to keep the Double Bogey Open going as a new annual tradition. Props to Jimmy for organizing this and thanks to everyone who showed up. For those who couldn’t make it out, we’d love to have you for the 2023 edition and feel free to join us on the course as we train for the next competition (that includes you, Aly!). While no one expected me to type this out at the beginning of the season — Riaz, you have a title to defend!
ONE LAST THING
What a weird and wild year it’s been! Of course I’m not talking about 2023, which just started (though given the celebrity deaths, insane weather, and other batshit crazy news that’s already taken place, maybe I should). On and off the fantasy football field, it’s been an unusual but fun season. Well, I say fun, but actually for me it was fucking stressful. This was by far the best I’ve ever done in the regular season and turns out I don’t like being the favorite. I got put in the classic “do great in the regular season then lose in the playoffs thanks to a random shitty week because fantasy football” position. I wished I could’ve had my revenge against Chriss (the only person I didn’t record a win against this season), but I’m sure Chriss is focusing on his own playoff choking. At least I actually got a trophy I’ve never earned before. This was the first time I’ve finished 3rd in this league — it’s either been 1st, 2nd, or (mostly) 4th. Plus, I got to at least not buy anyone beer and keep the football poster I got from the National Archives. Also, I finally got back in the win column against Dad and even won the three-game series to prove I’m the superior Dominguez. Interestingly, I looked back and realized this is actually the second time I finished atop the regular season standings — the first was the inaugural Epic League season. You know who won that season? The same person who won this year.
Yes, just when I thought I had fully countered Ewing’s Super Saiyan transformation (via marriage) by virtue of me officiating his wedding, he fires back with the “Ruben is first in the standings, so I must win the championship” rule. I should’ve known I was in trouble (I also lost in the semi-finals that season). Indeed, while Tyler didn’t repeat as champion, Tyler ended up winning it all, which is especially fitting given that it was Ewing vs. Gee for a playoff spot on the last day of the regular season. With Gee gone and Ewing in marriage mode, we might have a new unstoppable force on our hands. Unless, somehow the source of his powers were to join the league herself…
… oh yeah, right.
With Gee’s departure, Aly officially becomes the first female member of the league! Welcome, and please kick Ewing’s ass while you’re here. Actually, come to think about it, what do we call Tyler Ewing now? The reason I called him Ewing was to differentiate between him and Gee (who of course are both named Tyler). But Ewing could also refer to Aly, given that’s her legal last name as of May. So… I guess this means Ewing is officially Tyler from now on? It feels weird, but honestly the fact that you and other friends of mine are married now is still a little weird. But maybe that’s because I’m single as fuck.
Plus, we may have another potential inheritor of marriage superpowers. Nick is set to tie the knot this year. Maybe he won’t actually collapse after scoring 200 points again? Arik is probably wondering when his own marriage superpowers are going to kick in (at least when it comes to this league, it might not be a guarantee — just ask Dad). While Emilio is also married, I think his window to get fantasy football marriage superpowers passed him by. Maybe 2023 will be the year Jimmy and/or Kyle (or hell, even Chriss) gets some sort of power boost through their own engagements? Could Riaz get his own upgrade through the power of golf and his own championship victory? Will Richard’s new job and beer access give him any kind of edge?
At the end of the day, we’ve got a lot of time to answer those questions (11 1/2 months, to be exact). For many of us, 2022 was a year of personal growth. For the rest of us, we’re hoping 2023 can be that bounce-back year. As I mentioned earlier, I will not be doing a Super Bowl newsletter this year unless something earth-shattering happens. The next newsletter will (at the latest) arrive on the day of the 2023 NFL Draft. As for the regular season, I’ll be keeping the new schedule of six newsletters per season in place. They may not be the same weeks as this year, but Weeks 1, 15, and 18 are pretty much guarantees. In between then and now, there’s still a lot to do. First and foremost, we have to figure out who’s hosting the Super Bowl party this year. I did it last year (even though only Dad and Gee came), so I’m ineligible, especially since I just moved. By the way, thanks to those who helped me move and have sent well wishes during the recent storms. Fortunately I’ve been just northwest of the major flooding/evacuation zones. Anyway, let’s figure out the hosting situation ASAP.
As for what I have planned in the coming year, there’s a lot I have scheduled and a lot to be figured out. I want to see three new MLB ball parks this year and I have two planned out. The Red Sox are coming to Arizona the last weekend in May, so that’s Chase Field off the list. Meantime, Boston will be going to Kansas City the first weekend in September (right before Dad’s birthday), so a family trip to Kauffman Stadium is likely on the list. I’m not sure which will be the third ball park, but I’d like to pair that with a short trip of some sort this April. Of course, World Cup fever won’t be going away — Gabby and I are going to Australia and New Zealand for the Women’s World Cup this summer (spoiler alert: Australia/New Zealand will be the theme of the Week 1 Newsletter). I may also find next year’s top points prize overseas.
As far as any close stuff, I have a proposal for you guys, one which you will probably reject (but here me out anyway). Remember how I went to a WWE show last year and slowly started following pro wrestling? Well, there’s another company, basically the second-biggest wrestling brand in the world, called All Elite Wrestling (AEW). The stars aren’t as widely known but the actual wrestling is better and the organization has none of the McMahon family bullshit attached to it. This year, they’re making their first West Coast swing and are set to have their first major show on the West Coast, Revolution, on March 5 at the Chase Center. Tickets are about what I paid for the regular WWE show and will at least be worth the entertainment. If that’s not enough to interest you, AEW will then be taping one its weekly shows, Dynamite, at the Golden 1 Center on March 8. I will probably be going to both of these anyway and think at least some of you guys would enjoy it as well (at least help me not feel like a loser by going by myself).
Huh, the last newsletter of the season ends with me asking you guys to attend a professional wrestling event? Who had that on their 2023 bingo card?
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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