Welcome to a new era of the Epic League!
Think that’s a bit dramatic? Consider the following: all but one of us are now in our 30’s, as of next weekend half of us will have been married, and Dad will soon not be the only member of the league who’s, well, a dad. We’re so old the reaction to Aly joining the league is much less, “OMG guys a girl is playing with us” and more of, “finally we’re properly integrated — it’s only 2023!” In fact, I’m much less worried about that whole dynamic of Aly’s membership and much more concerned about the seismic amount of shit she’s going to talk towards all of us, especially Ewing (yeah I can’t bring myself to call you Tyler, even in writing). You all simply aren’t ready for what she’s about to throw down. As for the league’s top prize, we’ve finally filled out the plates on the trophy, so I’m going to have to Stanley Cup the whole thing after this season. Most importantly, I actually grew a legit beard (which I have since shaven off, but still).So yeah, I think “new era” qualifies.
But no matter how old we grow, how many kids we have, how many of us get married, or how far we move, I’m thrilled that we’ve been able to stay in touch together through the power of friendship. By that, of course, I mean talking shit to each other, with only some of that being about fantasy football. Although we’re still about four months from the actual fantasy football portion, the upcoming season properly gets underway tonight with the start of the 2023 NFL Draft, where the seeds are planted for the future of football and everyone laughs at the Raiders. Because I haven’t learned my lesson, let’s see how many draft picks I can get wrong this time!
MAKING A MOCKERY
Reminder: there will only be 31 picks in the 1st round this year due to the Miami Dolphins forfeiting what would’ve been the 21st overall pick (plus their 3rd round pick next year) for violating the NFL’s anti-tampering policy while talking with Tom Brady and his agent (who’s also Sean Payton’s agent). I knew the curse of me visiting Miami would strike at some point.
1. PANTHERS: Bryce Young (QB, Alabama) — There are plenty of, admittedly, valid questions regarding physical attributes — namely height. Still, the talent is undeniable. Just ask Carolina, who traded up to pick No. 1, and Houston, who tried to tank for No. 1 until Lovie Smith happened.
2. TEXANS: C.J. Stroud (QB, Ohio State) — Speaking of Houston, there have been rumblings lately that another QB prospect — or even another position — could go off the board with this pick. However, QB remains the biggest need and there will be no one better available after pick No. 1.
3. TITANS (TRADE): Anthony Richardson (QB, Florida) — Malik Willis didn’t exactly impress in his rookie season, leaving Tennessee worried about the post-Ryan Tannehill era. Trading up for a QB with tremendous upside and plenty of work needed could work out perfectly in this scenario.
4. COLTS: Will Levis (QB, Kentucky) — There’s only one top QB prospect left, with Indianapolis taking what they can get at this point. Whether the coffee/mayonnaise-pairing, banana skin-eating prospect is the one to finally end the post-Andrew Luck QB carousel remains to be seen.
5. SEAHAWKS: Jalen Carter (DT, Georgia) — Yes, there are some legitimate off-field concerns here. But sometimes the talent is too off-the-charts to ignore and Seattle has a history of making draft reaches (at least seen that way at the time) and making them work out for them in the end.
6. LIONS: Devon Witherspoon (CB, Illinois) — Three years after taking the top-ranked DB prospect in the Top 3 (and after trading him away this off-season), Detroit suddenly has a need at CB. Taking the biggest, most hyped prospect in the Top 6 this time around will hopefully work out.
7. RAIDERS: Will Anderson (EDGE, Alabama) — Do I think the best, most solid defensive option will really fall into Las Vegas’ lap? No. Have I predicted the Top 6 picks in the only way this could happen? Yes. I’m just manifesting this for the vibes. Please draft defense and not QB here.
8. FALCONS: Bijan Robinson (RB, Texas) — Atlanta has drafted offensive playmakers in the past couple of years — nothing changes this year. With the NFC South wide open, a team with this many skilled options should at least contend for the playoffs, no matter the situation at QB.
9. BEARS: Peter Skoronski (OT, Northwestern) — With Justin Fields locked in as Chicago’s QB of the future, all efforts must go to helping him thrive. With moves already made to acquire skill position players, Fields just has to survive long enough to find them. This pick will help with that.
10. EAGLES: Tyree Wilson (EDGE, Texas Tech) — Philadelphia beefs up an already impressive defense (that somehow didn’t show up in the Super Bowl you motherfuckers how could you let the Chiefs win that game damn it) by loading another amazing prospect into the defensive line.
11. CARDINALS (TRADE): Christian Gonzalez (CB, Oregon) — Despite trading down and not getting a few elite defensive prospects, Arizona still lands a solid piece with arguably the best DB in the whole draft. With everything seemingly needed on that side of the ball, any position works.
12. TEXANS: Nolan Smith (EDGE, Georgia) — Houston has been searching for the next J.J. Watt ever since their greatest ever player left for an even shittier franchise. I’m not saying this pick could turn into an icon, but a solid and reliable piece of the line seems like the floor here.
13. PACKERS: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (WR, Ohio State) — Could you imagine if — after years of failing to spend high draft capital on a skilled position during Aaron Rodgers’ tenure — Green Bay finally drafts a WR in the 1st round as they ship him to New York? That would be hilarious.
14. PATRIOTS: Broderick Jones (OT, Georgia) — Mac Jones took a bit of a step back last season. New England is hoping to reverse the trend by not only firing Matt Patricia, but also by finding the future at OT, with both current starters each above 30 — what ancient people, right?
15. JETS: Paris Johnson Jr. (OT, Ohio State) — New York is looking to beef up its offensive line, especially with a certain “immunized” QB apparently on his way in the near future. There are multiple solid prospects available, but this particular pick also brings some flexibility as well.
16. COMMANDERS: O’Cyrus Torrence (OG, Florida) — Washington is trying to move on from the disastrous Carson Wentz experience with a new, young QB. Between him and a strong running game, it would make sense for them to invest in beefing up their offensive line here.
17. STEELERS: Joey Porter Jr. (CB, Penn State) — This is just too perfect here. I know a lot of these scenarios never play out in real life, but Pittsburgh has some kind of insane ability to have these kinds of things happen. Why do you think Mike Tomlin’s .500 and above streak still stands?
18. LIONS: Lukas Van Ness (EDGE, Iowa) — Detroit doubles down on defense here, this time focusing on the defensive line. This versatile pass rusher should find a natural partner in Aiden Hutchinson and beef up the one side of the ball that kept this team from the playoffs last year.
19. BUCCANEERS: Darnell Wright (OT, Tennessee) — Although Tampa Bay has invested in its offensive line recently, changes on both the line and at QB mean it’s time for another upgrade. Tristan Wirfs is already a long-term piece of that line, with hopefully another being found here.
20. SEAHAWKS: Myles Murphy (EDGE, Clemson) — Two picks after Detroit double dipped on defense, Seattle gets a second helping as well by adding another important piece to its line. This pick adds to the likes of Boye Mafe and Dre’Mont Jones in the new, rebuilding Legion of Boom.
21. CHARGERS: Jordan Addison (WR, USC) — Los Angeles needs to keep adding pieces around Justin Herbert, if for no other reason than their current weapons keep getting hurt and aren’t getting any younger. They gain a great route runner and keep the local boy in SoCal.
22. RAVENS: Quentin Johnston (WR, TCU) — Baltimore has reached the point where they must upgrade their WR corps, if not to extend an olive branch to Lamar Jackson than to make sure Tyler Huntley doesn’t shit the bed. Odell Beckham Jr. was a start — this pick continues the trend.
23. VIKINGS: Deonte Banks (CB, Maryland) — Minnesota’s defense turned to Swiss cheese at crucial points during last season, especially the playoffs. DBs might be the biggest area of need in that defense, which makes having a top prospect available right here incredibly convenient.
24. JAGUARS: Bryan Bresee (DL, Clemson) — After making a surprise playoff run last season, Jacksonville needs to keep the progress going by focusing on defense. Jacksonville takes a big step towards becoming Sacksonville again by beefing up its defensive line one more time.
25. GIANTS: Emmanuel Forbes (CB, Mississippi State) — While size concerns could keep this prospect from being taken in the 1st round, this is definitely a pick of need. New York finished tied for last in INTs last season, so upgrading the secondary is a must to keep improving this year.
26. COWBOYS: Michael Mayer (TE, Notre Dame) — With Dalton Schultz moving across the Lone Star State, Dallas for once is lacking at the TE position. There are two top TE prospects, but they go with arguably the better blocker, who will help both Dak Prescott and the running game.
27. BILLS: Zay Flowers (WR, Boston College) — Buffalo needs to do two things to finally get over the hump: stay healthy on defense and add offensive firepower. While only the football gods can help with the former, a compliment to Stefon Diggs being available here will help the latter.
28. BENGALS: Dalton Kincaid (TE, Utah) — Can Cincinnati’s offense get even more potent? Of course — here’s how. TE is one of the few weaknesses on the roster and adding one of the top two prospects at the position (one who’s really more of a WR) will do much to solve that problem.
29. SAINTS: Adetomiwa Adebawore (DL, Northwestern) — New Orleans needs some help along the defensive line and there should be a number of solid prospects available here. I wasn’t sure who to ultimately put here, but I chose the guy who allegedly has the most versatility.
30. RAIDERS (TRADE): Hendon Hooker (QB, Tennessee) — This pick relies on two factors to work out: whether the prospect’s knee can heal properly and whether Jimmy Garoppolo can stay healthy long enough to help him develop properly. Let’s see Las Vegas take a bit of a risk here.
31. CHIEFS: Anton Harrison (OT, Oklahoma) — With the loss of Orlando Brown Jr. in free agency, Kansas City is looking for a new piece to keep its golden goose protected. Naturally, this pick will end up being a future HOFer and these motherfuckers will win the next five Super Bowls.
STAT OF THE DRAFT
We’re now five games into a (hopefully longer) playoff run. The regular season ended weeks ago. Several major awards have been handed out. We’re closer to the Finals than the All-Star game. Yet, I still can’t believe how this NBA season has gone.
Specifically, I still can’t believe the Sacramento Kings are good again. Not just good, either — 3rd in the Western Conference guided by two All-Stars (one of them the first ever Clutch Player of the Year) and the first ever unanimous Coach of the Year. I guess that second honor shouldn’t be surprising, given that the Kings ended the longest playoff drought in North American major pro sports history en route to these achievements.
The last time my favorite sports team — my hometown team — had a winning record and made the playoffs, I was 13. Today, I’m just over two months away from those numbers being reversed. For the better part of the past two decades, I’ve had to endure shitty basketball and the mockery and shame that comes with one’s favorite team being terrible. If it were just limited to that, it would be bad enough. But during that time, the Kings were nearly taken from Sacramento several times, made some of the most baffling and terrible draft choices in basketball history, and overall became so awful that they were labeled by other teams as “basketball hell.” Meanwhile, your most hated team wins three championships (following the one they won by eliminating your team in the most bullshit way imaginable) and the closest geographical team to you becomes a dynasty. Oh, and you’re surrounded by countless bandwagon fans of those teams.
Last year, the Kings finished 30-52, fired their head coach in November, and traded away a popular, promising young star. The trade didn’t get the team anywhere, the new head coach was someone who had last led a team in 2014 (and who many claimed had been carried by LeBron James), and a meme was born in the preseason when a fan sarcastically got excited about Sacramento potentially winning 40 games. Oh, and the cautious optimism of the new season was dampened when the Kings started 0-4, becoming the final team to win a game.
So if you would’ve told me that coach would become the most loveable sports figure in Sacramento, that acquisition would team up with the overlooked, disgruntled superstar to become seemingly the next Stockton and Malone, and the Kings as a whole would become one of the greatest offensive teams in NBA history en route to a 48-34 record, the No. 3 seed in the West, and the first Pacific Division title in 20 years, I would’ve been absolutely fucking gobsmacked. Several times throughout the season, I had to pinch myself to see if this was really happening, that the Kings were actually good. I kept wondering when the other shoe would drop and Sacramento would go back to being bad. It never happened.
Of course, going out to that geographically close team — one whose fans willingly throw themselves behind the dirtiest little bitch in the league (someone who literally sucker punched a teammate in practice and got away with it without showing remorse) — in a closely contested series where you still had a chance until your best player suffers a crucial injury in a fluke play may seem like that other shoe finally dropping. But for as bitter as this likely first round exit will be, it shouldn’t take away from the fact that for the first time in nearly 20 years, the nightmare appears to be over. We finally have a good basketball team again. This young roster got some incredibly valuable experience and will only get better as time goes on. The renaissance of purple and pride that showed throughout the city as the season went on will continue.
While I’m old enough to remember not just the last time the Kings made the playoffs, but also the several years where Sacramento was a consistent playoff contender, not everyone in my family is. Gabby was three years old during the last playoff appearance, meaning she has no earthly recollection of the Kings being good before 2023. Seeing her truly fall in love with the Kings for the first time, become invested in her hometown team, and talk about and watch games with her has been awesome. Even if the Kings go down, we’ll be back, for once optimistic about the future. It’s a future where Gabby and I and every other Kings fan won’t have to wait another 17 years for the next playoff experience.
Getting back to football, if there’s been any NFL team that can match the Kings in terms of pure idiocy and awfulness during their playoff drought, it’s the New York Jets. That streak was almost broken last year, as New York was merely an average QB away from the postseason. So naturally, the Jets traded for Aaron Rodgers. Behind “Throw Rogan,” even in arguably the best division in the NFL, New York should be not just a playoff participant, but a Super Bowl contender. Still, it’s the Jets, so anything can happen. I’m hoping the Jets make the playoffs, if only because that would mean the NFL’s longest playoff drought would then belong to the Denver Broncos.
At least the trade gave us this gem, with the NFL Live crew recreating what the room was like as I was in the middle of my poem at Ewing’s bachelor party.
#THROWBACKTHURSDAY
ON THIS DAY IN NFL HISTORY:
There are only two NFL drafts which began on April 27. The drafts were more than a quarter century apart and on paper don’t have a lot in common. But take a closer look and you’ll find some interesting similarities.
On April 27, 1982, the NFL kicked off what was — at least on paper — a letdown from the previous draft and nowhere near as anticipated as the following draft. 1981 had seen the likes of Lawrence Taylor, Ronnie Lott, Kenny Easley, and Mike Singletary taken. 1983 would go on to be one of the most legendary draft classes in NFL history. But the 1982 Draft seemed destined to fly under the radar. Of the first five picks, only two even made a Pro Bowl. The New England Patriots used the top overall pick on Kenneth Sims, a solid if not spectacular DE. Johnie Cooks was taken second overall by the Baltimore Colts, though he would most notably help the New York Giants win Super Bowl XXV. The New Orleans Saints originally had the third overall pick, but forfeited it to take Dave Wilson in the previous year’s supplemental draft — Wilson would wreck his knee in a preseason game and never be the same. The actual No. 3 pick went to the Cleveland Browns, who selected Chip Banks, an actual Pro Bowler. The Colts were back on the clock at No. 4 and took Art Schlichter, who they believed to be their QB of the future. Instead, Schlichter lost the starting job to Mike Pagel (the Colts’ 4th round pick) as Baltimore went 0-8-1 in the strike-shortened season. Schlichter had a gambling problem and was out of the league in just a few years, with his NFL legacy being the biggest non-Ryan Leaf/Jamarcus Russell QB bust in history. He would find redemption in the AFL, where he was named MVP en route to winning ArenaBowl IV. Still, as far as the NFL goes, this is a mediocre draft.
That would change with the fifth overall pick, where the Chicago Bears were (shockingly) looking for a QB. Their choice would change the course of their franchise, with BYU’s own Jim McMahon being selected. During his seven years in Chicago, McMahon often clashed with coaches and management, had several notable incidents with the media, and spent a lot of time on the sideline injured. However, McMahon is arguably the best QB in Bears history and was a key factor in the team’s Super Bowl XX triumph. Chicago wasn’t the only team to score a franchise icon in the Top 10. With pick No. 8, the Houston Oilers drafted Mike Munchak, one of the greatest linemen in NFL history and a future HOFer. Two picks later (right after the Atlanta Falcons took Gerald Riggs and three picks after the Minnesota Vikings selected Darrin Nelson), the Oakland Raiders made Marcus Allen the third RB chosen in the draft. Unlike Riggs and Nelson, Allen had a legendary career, helping the Raiders win Super Bowl XVIII the following season en route to a HOF career. Interestingly, Allen would be the final 1st round pick by Oakland in more than a decade — the Raiders would relocate to Los Angeles the following month. As far as the rest of the draft goes, there’s not really much to tell (except for one bit I’ll get to soon). Apart from Munchak and Allen, the 1982 NFL draft only produced two other HOFers — Andre Tippett and Morten Andersen. The other notable K with a similar name — Gary Anderson — was also taken this year. Another K who would miss a crucial FG, Scott Norwood, went undrafted, while those who had their names called included Miami Dolphins iconic WR Mark Duper and Utah RB Del Rodgers, who now works as the Sports Director of the second-best TV station in Sacramento. Also, shoutout to Pacific’s Mike Merriweather, drafted in the 3rd round by the Pittsburgh Steelers.
On April 27, 2017, the NFL produced one of the most loaded draft classes in recent memory, although one with several similarities to one of its least loaded, from 35 years prior. Cleveland held the top overall pick and, like the Patriots in 1982, went defensive, taking Myles Garrett. The Browns, like the Colts from years gone by, would go winless that season. However, like New England back then, Cleveland would prove to be a team on the rise, with Garrett and fellow top overall pick Baker Mayfield leading the Browns to their first post-expansion playoff win a few years later. There would also be some swings and misses in the Top 5, which included Solomon Thomas, Leonard Fournette, and Corey Davis. But perhaps the biggest bust was once again by a QB. Unlike 35 years earlier, Chicago’s gamble on a franchise QB backfired spectacularly, as the Bears traded up to take Mitch Trubisky second overall. At least Trubisky can say he made a Pro Bowl, which is something the three others picked right after him can’t. Jamal Adams would break that streak when the New York Jets took him with the sixth pick. In another similarity to the 1982 draft, the two best picks may end up being the players chosen at No. 8 and 10. The former saw the Carolina Panthers draft Christian McCaffrey, who seems bound for the HOF, assuming he can stay healthy. The latter saw the Kansas City Chiefs traded up with the Buffalo Bills (ironically) to take Pat Mahomes. Fuck the Chiefs.
Unlike the draft from 35 years earlier, the 2017 Draft ended up being much more loaded after the Top 10. While these players are far from finished with their careers, it’s pretty safe to assume some of these guys will be calling Canton home in a few years. T.J. Watt (1st round), Cooper Kupp (3rd), and George Kittle (5th) are just the headliners. Then we have the 12th overall pick, Deshaun Watson. To say Watson has become a controversial figure is an understatement to say the least. Interestingly, he may end up having the biggest impact out of any pick in this draft not named Mahomes. Other notable players taken in this draft include Marshon Lattimore, Marlon Humphrey, Tre’Davious White, Budda Baker, Dalvin Cook, Joe Mixon, Alvin Kamara, Juju Smith-Schuster, Chris Godwin, Kareem Hunt, Matt Milano, James Conner, Tarik Cohen, and Aaron Jones. Special teams also take a spot here, with both Jake Elliott and Younghoe Koo (undrafted) were on the list in 2017. To draw one more thread, we have to once again look at the Raiders, who added another awful name to the list by taking Gareon Conley. This would be the third-to-last NFL draft with a team from Oakland — the Raiders’ move to Las Vegas would come three years later.
THE WORST DRAFT PICK YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF
There’s another reason the 1982 NFL Draft is historically significant. It contains possibly the greatest, most impactful draft pick fuck-up in NFL history. You’ve heard of Ryan Leaf and JaWalrus Russell. You’ve heard about the Minnesota Vikings missing their pick in 2003. You’ve heard about the various legends passed up by teams whose decisions cause a massive butterfly effect. But have you heard about the time all of this happened at once?
Although the 1982 Draft didn’t have the star power of the draft classes around it (Munchak, Allen, etc. aside), it did have some solid pieces floating around. For example, with the 16th overall pick, the St. Louis Cardinals selected Luis Sharpe, a 13-season veteran who made three Pro Bowls and started nearly 200 games. Up next, at pick No. 17, were the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. After surviving an 0-26 start to their existence, the Buccaneers had made the playoffs in two of the past three seasons. However, their 38-0 defeat to the Dallas Cowboys in the Divisional round exposed the holes of the roster, namely defense and offensive line (the latter to protect their rising star at QB, Doug Williams). Fortunately for Tampa Bay, the chance to address one of those areas was right in front of them. Team officials had identified two players they liked the most at pick No. 17. The first was Sean Farrell, a teammate of Munchak along the Penn State offensive line and a solid, pro-ready prospect. The second was Booker Reese, an immensely talented and freakishly athletic, yet incredibly raw DE prospect from Bethune-Cookman. Fortunately for Tampa Bay, both Farrell and Reese were both available by the time they were on the clock. However, their seemingly good fortune would turn out to be the setup for a historic nightmare.
Buccaneers officials on the draft room floor in New York had two cards ready — one with Farrell’s name and one with Reese’s (the name, not the candy). As the debate in the war room back in Tampa raged on, the clock ticked down further and further. With about a minute remaining, the Buccaneers made their decision — they were going with Reese. However, communicating that choice to New York turned out to be tougher than expected. Back then, the team used speaker phones to communicate with each other. However, not only could the message sound garbled on one end, but any kind of background noise made it tough to hear on the other end. Unfortunately for Tampa Bay, the Giants had the next pick, with local fans starting to get vocally impatient as time ticked down. All of this meant team officials in New York heard a fraction of the first part of the message from Tampa (they weren’t going with Farrell) and none of the second part (pick Reese now). Because they only heard Farrell’s name, the staff in New York assumed that’s who the team wanted to pick and turned in that card. All of this resulted in Buccaneers staff in Tampa believing they had selected Reese, only to watch their pick be announced as Farrell on TV a minute later.
Now, shitty technology and poor communication resulting in a team picking the wrong player would already qualify as a legendary fuck-up. But we’re just getting started.
After the blunder, Tampa Bay didn’t simply give up. While officials unsuccessfully pleaded with the NFL to reverse the pick, late in the first round, the Buccaneers noticed that Reese was still available. Team officials realized they might be able to get both of the guys they wanted after all, though Reese might not last long in the second round. The problem: Tampa Bay didn’t have a second round pick. After calling half the league, the Buccaneers eventually found a partner in the Chicago Bears, who sent them the 32nd overall pick (5th of the second round). However, it cost Tampa’s first round pick in the following draft, which team officials figured would be high due to their perceived success (we’ll come back to this later). When the Buccaneers got back on the clock, they at long last drafted Reese, seemingly filling both of their big needs going into the offseason.
Except, they didn’t. Reese ended up being a massive disappointment, with his physical attributes doing little to help him mentally adjust to the NFL. A combination of naivete, lack of financial intelligence, and issues with alcohol and drugs would tank any chance Reese had of success. With just two sacks and two INTs to his name, Reese lasted just two seasons with the Buccaneers and was out of the league shortly after. In fact, Reese would spend more time in the Okaloosa Correctional Institution for drug possession than in the NFL as an active player.
Farrell, meanwhile, would spend 11 seasons in the NFL, accumulating a solid if not unspectacular career. However, the majority of those seasons would be spent outside of Tampa Bay. The Buccaneers were largely terrible during Farrell’s tenure, with him famously requesting a trade in front of a group of fans at a holiday booster event in 1986. Ironically, the three draft picks the New England Patriots would end up trading for Farrell were likely more valuable than the 1st or 2nd picks spent on Farrell and Reese.
Now, chasing an eventual mega bust while ostracizing the solid player you accidentally picked instead of him would compound the historic fuck-up even further. Somehow, this gets even worse.
Incredibly, the Buccaneers returned to the playoffs (albeit in the strike-shortened format of 1982), once again losing to the Cowboys (albeit by a much closer margin). However, the wheels completely fell off the wagon in 1983, with Tampa finishing 2-14. This was largely due to a massive downgrade at QB. Doug Williams — the unquestioned team leader — got into a bitter contract stalemate with Buccaneers owner Hugh Culverhouse, resulting in the QB’s departure to the USFL. Had Tampa managed to re-sign Williams (who would later win Super Bowl XXII in Washington), perhaps this slide could’ve been avoided. However, the bigger mistake happened a year earlier, when the Buccaneers sent Chicago that first round pick in order to re-enter the Reese sweepstakes. As I mentioned in the previous section, the 1983 NFL Draft is regarded as the greatest of all-time, with picks even as high as Tampa’s providing value. With the 18th overall pick (that would’ve been Tampa Bay’s), the Bears selected Willie Gault, a speedy offensive threat who played a role in their Super Bowl XX triumph two seasons later. But had the Buccaneers held onto that pick, they would’ve been looking for a QB. Maybe they would’ve taken Ken O’Brien, who the New York Jets infamously selected with pick No. 24. Or, perhaps they would’ve ended the slide of another highly touted prospect much earlier than the Miami Dolphins did at pick No. 27. Maybe, instead of being the king of South Florida, Dan Marino is chosen to represent Tampa Bay instead. It’s not hyperbole to say the Buccaneers’ decision to select Booker Reese in 1982 cost them one of the greatest QBs of all time.
Here’s what actually happened. Not learning from their other first round pick trade, Tampa Bay sent another first round pick (this time in 1984) to the Cincinnati Bengals in exchange for backup QB Jack Tompson. Unsurprisingly, Thompson absolutely sucked in Tampa Bay — the Bengals would trade that first round pick (1st overall) to the Patriots (who took future team legend Irving Fryar) and end up picking their next QB of the future (Boomer Esiason) in the second round. Meanwhile, the Reese debacle kicked off a decade-long stretch of some of the worst draft decision-making in NFL history, which included wasting the first overall pick on Bo Jackson (who never played for them) in 1986. Seriously, even Matt Millen and the 21st Century Raiders look at the Buccaneers’ draft disaster list from 1983-93 with disgust.
Things would eventually turn around in Tampa Bay once Tony Dungy took over. But the Reese debacle remains a fascinating look at how quickly and crazily a team’s fortunes can change, thanks to bad luck and even worse decision-making. Click here for a much better, more in-depth look at what happened.
Speaking of those Raiders…
DRAFTLY RAIDERS RANT
HOLY FUCKING SHIT Y’ALL I MET TIM BROWN!!! I MET THE GREATEST WR IN RAIDERS HISTORY!!!
Apparently Brown was at the station to shoot a segment with Studio 40 to promote a charity event he was taking part in that weekend. I was in the break room heating up my lunch when our sports director, Chris Tavarez, passed by while talking with him in the hall. Chris came back a few minutes later to ask if I wanted to talk to him. Of course I said yes, though I admittedly got a bit of stage fright. After introducing myself, I apologized for interrupting his plans and told him that, as a massive Raiders fan, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least say hello. Brown said he wasn’t bothered at all and asked if I wanted a picture with him. After nodding profusely and getting that photo, I shook his hand and thanked him before getting back to work, although I could barely concentrate afterwards because I had just met Tim fucking Brown.
Anyway, my feelings about that surprise encounter with a Raiders legend are basically the opposite of how I feel about how the Raiders have done so far this offseason.
To say the off-season has been eventful for the Raiders would be a massive understatement. Sadly, we knew the Derek Carr era was coming to an end, which it officially did when Carr signed with the New Orleans Saints of all teams. I was going to comment about how weird the Saints roster looks and that they won’t likely make the playoffs and have Carr rub it in our face, but the NFC South is terrible and New Orleans might actually win that division.
The real question — and key to the entire off-season plan — centered around who would replace Carr at QB. The answer, as it turns out, was… Jimmy Garoppolo? The much more handsome and fragile version of Carr without a deep ball? Now all of the 49ers fans we’ve made fun of over the years are turning the tables on us. Still, Jimmy G is a solid option who gives the Raiders a chance when healthy (a worry, given that he may literally drown in women in Sin City). Like San Francisco, if you build the right offense around him, he will succeed. So, how have the Raiders done with that?
Well, keeping in mind that Jimmy G doesn’t really have a deep ball (and the Raiders have the best deep threat in the NFL in Davante Adams), Las Vegas should probably make sure the TE position is solid, given that George Kittle was his favorite target. It’s a good thing the Raiders have Darren Waller… and they traded him to the New York Giants. Hmm… okay. What about Foster Moreau? He had to step away from football to fight cancer? Kick its ass, Foster! Maybe their replacements can be good — we got Austin Hooper and O.J. Howard. Well… maybe the Raiders can shore up the receiving corps a little bit. I know, let’s sign the WR who made arguably the dumbest play in NFL history — against Las Vegas, last year, no less! Great plan. One thing that helped Jimmy G in San Francisco was a strong running game, so it’s a good thing Josh Jacobs is still on the roster. I mean we franchise tagged him and he’s not happy about it, and Adams was traded after having the tag placed on him last season, so that’s concerning. Still though, it’s important to remember Jimmy G’s injury history and have some solid backup QBs ready to go. So who are the backups for the Raiders? Brian Hoyer and Chase Garbers. Fantastic.
I swear to god if the Raiders take Will Levis or any non-defender with pick No. 7, I will scream in rage.
Perhaps the biggest news surrounding the Raiders isn’t even related to the NFL. Much to the chagrin of Mark Davis, he’ll soon have a new, familiar neighbor in Las Vegas.
What has happened with the Oakland A’s is quite possibly the clearest, most despicable example of one of the dark sides of sports that we just ignore: the vast majority of the time, those in power get what they want. To be fair, Oakland as a whole has too many problems to just drop all of this money on a new stadium and the new regime of city officials were much less willing to put time and energy into defending their team (now seemingly the third major pro sports team Oakland has lost in the past few years). But a city shouldn’t have to have literally the perfect person to lead the charge (i.e. Kevin Johnson in Sacramento) or a historic grassroots movement that draws national attention (i.e. “Save the Crew” in Columbus) to stand a chance against the might of the machine when that machine decides to scam a new city into bending over for a new stadium.
Just a few years ago, the A’s were a playoff team drawing mass numbers and a ravenous crowd. Now, they’re a shell of themselves. This is 1,000% on ownership — they gutted the team, selling off the star players to negate the product on the field. They refused to put effort into fixing the beyond past its prime ballpark they play in. Then they go to Las Vegas wearing the lowest-cut blouse and shortest skirt in order to get the city to build them a brand new ballpark. No wonder why fans stopped showing up! The plan worked perfectly, and now Rob “Worst Commissioner in Sports” Manfred is citing the poor attendance figures as a reason he’s behind the move.
We often joke that sports is such a “what have you done for me lately” business. Turns out, it’s not just the players who get screwed by teams the second they stop being productive. The A’s have been in Oakland since 1968 and have become a key part of the city’s culture. Four World Series championships were won in the Bay Area. But for as much success as the A’s had in the 20th century, Oakland went 30 years (1990-2020) without winning a playoff series. During that time, they also stopped spending money, famously breaking the mold as the first “moneyball” team. But despite that drought, despite the ever-worsening conditions inside the ballpark, fans kept showing up. That’s loyalty. When the shoe is on the other foot, it’s the A’s who run away to another city.
The worst part is, it didn’t have to be this way. I’m not just talking about teams forcing cities to build stadiums using public funding, instead of their insanely rich owners doing it themselves or selling to someone else who can. I’m talking about Oakland specifically. In 2005, Joe Lacob was looking to get into sports ownership and went after the A’s. In fact, Lacob says everything was a done deal. Instead, then-commissioner Bud Selig nixed the deal in favor of the pair of John Fisher and Lew Wolff, the latter being Selig’s frat brother at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Lacob did get a team a few years later — the Golden State Warriors, who only became a basketball dynasty. Even with the nepotism behind the A’s transaction, the team doesn’t have to constantly battle with the Tampa Bay Rays to be the lowest spenders in MLB. John Fisher just barely falls out of the top half of the league in terms of richest MLB owners, but does finish ahead of the likes of Thomas Ricketts (Chicago Cubs), Peter Angelos (Baltimore Orioles), and Jim Crane (Houston Astros). Fisher just does not give a shit, though you could’ve looked at his tenure in charge of the San Jose Earthquakes to realize that.
The good news is that while this move appears likely, it’s not a done deal. First off, the A’s in Las Vegas just seems like a weird fit. Baseball isn’t exactly football in terms of drawing power, meaning the stadium could be largely empty during the season. That stadium itself won’t be ready until 2027 at the earliest, which leaves the team in an incredibly awkward scenario for several years. Plus, Las Vegas itself isn’t exactly welcoming the A’s with open arms. Both in terms of the city itself and its government, Sin City seems overall lukewarm about the idea. What’s more, seemingly every media outlet has correctly sniffed out the bullshit and is calling out the move for what it really is. For the sake of A’s fans, I hope they can somehow stay in the Bay Area, preferably without Ficher in charge (give him an expansion team or something).
It’s funny, because the slogan the A’s used when they were good just a few years ago was “Rooted in Oakland.” I guess it’s pretty easy to cut off those roots, as long as there’s enough money involved.
Oh, and as for Mark Davis’ comments about not being happy with the A’s move to Las Vegas and the baseball team messing with the football team’s efforts to get a new stadium built in Oakland, I don’t care. Who does Davis think he is? His dad moved the Raiders out of Oakland, then moved them back, then turned the team into a shell of itself, and he still had enough built up goodwill to go down as a beloved figure. Davis doesn’t have a fifth of the goodwill his dad does and has turned the franchise into a joke, partially because of the shiny new Las Vegas stadium that (while admittedly fucking amazing) attracts throngs of away fans and has cost the Raiders their legendary home field advantage. Shut the fuck up, Mark — fire Josh McDaniels, sell the team, and get a better haircut and maybe I’ll listen to what you have to say. Until then, you’re exactly what your name is — a mark.
RUBEN’S RANKINGS
TOP 10 BIGGEST TAKEAWAYS FROM THE NFLPA TEAM REPORT CARDS
Remember when, nearly two months ago, the NFL Players Association put out an incredibly in-depth report card on all 32 NFL teams when it comes to facilities, weight rooms, staff, locker rooms, and treatment of families, and it was a thing for a week before everyone seemingly forgot about it? I remember.
HONORABLE MENTION: OVERALL STATISTICS
This list was put together by the NFLPA to give free agents better information before choosing where to sign, but it also highlighted that the league as a whole isn’t quite up to modern standards. Out of the 32 teams, three close their cafeteria for dinner, six don’t put their players in first class for flights, seven make players have a roommate on the road, and 14 don’t offer a family room for players’ families in the stadium on game day. While most of the grades given were positive (thus making it hard to separate the teams at the top), there were quite a few awful bits of feedback, which will make up a good portion of this list.
HONORABLE MENTION: WASHINGTON IS TERRIBLE
To the surprise of no one, Washington finished dead last in the overall rankings, with either a “D” or “F” in six of the eight categories. In fact, perhaps the biggest shock of the entire list was that the Commanders actually got an “A+” in something — Strength Staff, of all things. If I were running an NFL team, I would start scouting those strength coaches before any players on the Commanders’ roster. So why isn’t this horrific display of an NFL organization even in the Top 10? As I said in the beginning, no one was surprised to see Washington finish 32 out of 32. Besides stating just how terrible they are, there’s not much else I can do.
HONORABLE MENTION: MORE TRAINING ROOM, PLEASE
There’s not too much to say about the 49ers, who finished with one of the best report cards overall (7 out of 32). San Francisco earned either an “A” or “B” in seven of the eight categories, with the eighth and final category being a fraction of a grade away from that margin. However, that category, hilariously, happened to be “Training Room,” with a “significant number of players” feeling that the 49ers training room is small and needs more tables. I have to imagine it’s actually a normal-sized training room, except because of the sheer volume of injuries on San Francisco’s roster every year, players think it’s crowded by the end of the season.
10. HELL IN THE CITY OF ANGELS
Los Angeles is home to two NFL teams and boasts one of the newest (and most expensive) stadiums in the entire league. You’d think with all of the money and resources put into the Rams and Chargers, they’d rank pretty high on the list. You’d be wrong. The Rams are in the bottom quarter of the entire league, with twice as many “D” grades as “A” ones. In fact, there are only two categories where the Rams get anything above a “B+” — Strength Coaches and Training Staff… and they’re tied for first in the league. Then we have the Chargers, who are the overall third-worst team in the rankings and compiled just two grades above a “C-” (and one above a “B”). A lot of the negative feedback was about the training room, with many players calling the hot and cold tubs “gross.” In fact, the Chargers are one of just two teams (along with the Houston Texans) to neither offer a steam room nor a sauna. To be completely fair, both the Rams and Chargers are still operating in “temporary” facilities, with permanent facilities under construction and expected to be completed by next year. Though those grades will likely rise, it’s incredible how low they are at the moment.
9. GOOD GRADES IN SIN CITY
Like everyone else when they first heard about these report cards, I immediately clicked on my favorite team to see how it compared to everyone else. To my pleasant surprise, the Raiders had six “A” grades (four of them “A+” and two “B” grades, which adds up to third place in the entire league. A PODIUM FINISH, BABY! WOO!!! The team’s strengths come from categories like “Locker Room,” “Weight Room,” and “Team Travel” — areas which you’d think would rank high thanks to the move to Las Vegas. There were only two places where the Raiders finished outside the Top 5: “Treatment of Families” and “Training Staff.” The former can basically be summed up by the team not offering daycare at the stadium. The latter was graded a “B+,” which ranks so low (22nd in the NFL) because most teams rate their training staffs highly. However, the lowest ratings (which don’t show up in the main categories) were given to the coaching staff, with the report saying Josh McDaniels is “less likely to listen to his players” and “keeps them for longer hours than other head coaches.” Wait, McDaniels is one of the worst parts about the Raiders? I’m truly shocked.
8. SURPRISES AT THE TOP
What kinds of teams would you think would be at the top of these kinds of report cards? You’d have to think they’d have some fancy new facilities, be run by good and solid ownership, and generally operate without controversy. Well consider the Raiders are in the Top 3 and you’d already be wrong about the last two areas. Further evidence: the Texans just missed the podium in 4th place. All around, Houston got good grades, with few areas of truely elite results but no finish outside the Top 10 in any category. Right behind them are their fellow Lone Star State neighbors. The Cowboys are at least tied for 1st place in a staggering six categories and have just two grades outside of “A.” However, what brings Dallas down is “Team Travel,” with Jerry Jones cheaping out to the tune of a “C-” and a 22nd place finish in that area. Although the Packers have old facilities and are publicly owned, Green Bay still finishes 6th overall, getting an “A” or “B” in each category. Then we have the Dolphins, who came in 2nd place and have seven “A” grades. But Miami’s Achilles heel was “Treatment of Families,” with the team limiting the number of passes to the postgame area.
7. ALL HAIL THE VIKINGS
But above everyone else, the team that finished in 1st place in these report cards was… the Minnesota Vikings? Really? I don’t know why I’m so surprised. Maybe it’s because the Vikings just don’t stand out when it comes to categories outside of “Disappointing Your Fan Base” and “Choking in the Playoffs.” But the proof is in the pudding, and players gave Minnesota “A” grades in every single category (the lowest being “A-” in “Food Service/Nutrition”), with the team finishing at least tied for 5th in each. There were little to no issues raised about things like the cafeteria, weight room, strength coaches, training room, steam rooms/saunas, tubs, locker room, training staff, and team travel. Throw in the fact that Minnesota has one of the newest and nicest stadiums in the NFL and, at least when it comes to off-field concerns, the Vikings seem to have the perfect setup. If only they could get their shit together on the field (at least during the postseason). If all of this isn’t good enough for free agents when they’re deciding where to sign, they should also keep in mind that Minnesota is more than willing to back up the Brinks truck for those they really want (just ask Kirk Cousins).
6. LITERALLY HOW
Okay enough with the positives — from now on, this list is all about the negative results of these grades. Given that they finished in the Top 10 overall, you may be surprised to see the New Orleans Saints in the area where the bad stuff starts to get highlighted. To be fair, the Saints rank in the Top 10 in seven of the eight categories, finishing tied for 1st in “Team Travel.” However, the Saints are also one of the few teams to receive an “F” grade in any category, which for them is particularly shocking given which it is: “Food Service/Nutrition.” The Saints get an “F-” due to not providing dinner (and only a late lunch sometimes), having a smallish cafeteria, and serving food ranked 29th out of 32 teams. The Saints — based in New Orleans — suck at food quality. How is this physically possible? They live and operate in one of the most renowned culinary cities in the entire world. The food is so legendarily tasty, New Orleans is on my short list for my own bachelor party (if I ever stop being single as fuck, of course). The Saints not being able to provide good food in New Orleans is like Jimmy G not being able to get laid in Las Vegas: it should be impossible.
5. NON-FAMILY FRIENDLY
Speaking of food, the Cincinnati Bengals also didn’t score highly in that category (which actually makes sense, given the whole Skyline chili thing). Cincinnati got an “F-“, although it wasn’t in the shameful way New Orleans did. The Bengals are one of three teams that don’t provide dinners for players, one of two teams that don’t provide vitamins, and the only team that doesn’t provide supplements. Cincinnati also scored an “F” in “Treatment of Families.” One of the more underrated ways a team can sway a free agent is to go beyond how they will be treated and also show how their family will be taken care of. No wonder why the Bengals have historically found it tough to sign top stars. Cincinnati is one of 14 teams to not offer a family room and one of 11 to not offer daycare. While that as a whole seems like more of a league-wide issue, one excerpt from the Bengals’ report is particularly damning. The report says there’s no safe or warm place for mothers and children to go during games and breastfeeding mothers have sat on the public restroom floor to nurse their babies. It’s not surprising, given it took until last year for Cincinnati to build an indoor practice facility.
4. OH, RATS!
Another team that scored low in the “Treatment of Families” category was the Jacksonville Jaguars, who — like Cincinnati — had breastfeeding mothers sitting on the floors of public restrooms. The Jaguars also got dinged for their weight and training rooms, although the report notes that the team is in the process of building a new practice facility, which should resolve some of those issues. However, there’s one particular problem in Jacksonville that stood out above pretty much everything else any other team faced. .Turns out, for about three to four weeks this past season, there was a rat infestation in the locker room and laundry hampers. I repeat, the Jaguars were dealing with a rat infestation for about a month. Interestingly, the NFLPA report card was published on the heels of a report that there were dead rats found in the concession stands of TIAA Bank Field. In perhaps the least surprising result of the entire report card, the rat situation was the unanimous No. 1 problem Jaguars players wanted changed. Apparently, the issue didn’t come as a surprise to some Jaguars executives, who are banking on the new facility to solve some big problems.
3. NOT PLAYING TO STRENGTHS
Across the board, the one category players gave the best overall grades in was “Strength Staff.” In fact, if a team was given an “A-“, this would put them in the bottom half of the rankings. 27 teams got a grade in the “A” range, while three (the New England Patriots, New York Jets, and New York Giants) finished in the “B” range. The Atlanta Falcons got a “D-” (their worst overall grade in any category), which I guess explains the reason they can’t hold onto a lead. But by far the worst grade in this lay-up category — an “F-” — was given to a surprising team: the Baltimore Ravens. Particular scrutiny fell upon strength and conditioning coach Steve Saunders, who was fired in February. Since Saunders took over in 2018, the Ravens have been consistently ranked among the most injured teams each season (Saunders was also suspended for violating team COVID-19 policy in 2020, a year when Baltimore had the league’s largest COVID-19 outbreak. Two former Ravens — Matthew Judon and Derek Wolfe — have publicly criticized Saunders, while several more endorsed Baltimore’s terrible grade on social media after the NFLPA report came out.
2. CARDINALS CRUCIFIED
While we all knew the Commanders would finish at the bottom of this list, it was a race to see who would finish second-worst overall. That honor went to the Arizona Cardinals, whose only “A” grade came in the easiest category: “Strength Coaches.” Their next best grades came in “Training Staff” and “Team Travel,” where the Cardinals got a “B+” in both (maybe the travel bit was due to players being excited to get out of there). But in an astonishing display of awfulness, Arizona was given either an “F” or “F-” in the remaining five categories, finishing last or tied for last in each. That includes “Weight Room,” with players describing it as a “health and safety risk just to walk through” and complaining about uneven flooring. The locker and training rooms were also a source of criticism, with only 30% of players feeling like they have enough space and several complaining about them being outdated. Another area of criticism was the food, with the Cardinals being the only team that deducts dinner charges out of players’ payroll. They’re also the only team to charge for every meal eaten at team facilities during the off-season. Their new uniforms suck, too.
1. NONE OF THIS MATTERS
As mentioned earlier, this report card was put together by the NFLPA to give players a better idea of where to sign and where they’ll be best taken care of. In theory, this list should be a reflection of the best NFL teams. But by and large, this isn’t the case. The Top 5 teams were the Vikings (postseason chokers), Dolphins (no titles in 50 years), Raiders (lol), Texans (double lol), and Cowboys (stuck in the 90’s). None of these teams have even been to a Super Bowl in 20 years, with Dallas being the only one to win one in the past 30 years (and they barely qualify). Meantime, while the bottom is rightly filled with teams like the Commanders and Cardinals, the Chiefs ranked 29th overall, the Rams finished 25th, and the Buccaneers ended up 26th. Those teams — each in the bottom quarter of the rankings — have won the past four Super Bowls. Meanwhile, other contenders like the Bengals (27th), Eagles (14th), Chargers (30th), and Ravens (17th) finished low to mid tier at best. While these categories may be important to some, it appears the biggest factors for free agents remain tried and true: “Money” and “Quality of On-Field Product.”
GRIDIRON GANGSTERS
The most despised owner in the NFL may finally soon be out of the league. After decades of turning one of the most revered franchises in all of football (one that represents the nation’s capital no less) into one of the biggest jokes in sports, Dan Snyder has reportedly reached a deal to sell the Washington Commanders. As I mentioned in Part 1, the Commanders have become the least attractive franchise in the league, with most (if not all) or their problems brought upon or ignored by Snyder. All it took was $6 billion that he doesn’t deserve.
Until the deal is finalized and approved, I don’t want to close the book on Snyder just yet. Hopefully Josh Harris is in charge in Washington by Week 1, so I can go more into detail then. Plus, Snyder may also have company, as a storm is beginning to swirl around Arizona Cardinals owner Michael Bidwill. However, this news allows me to bring back a segment I had previously gotten rid of.
Back in October, another damning report about Snyder was published by ESPN, which claimed that Snyder told an associate that the NFL is a mafia and that, “all the owners hate each other.” Another owner refuted that claim, instead saying that all the other owners hate Snyder. But the mafia bit stuck with me. I imagined a world where the NFL owners were all mob bosses — specifically, fictional ones — and thought of which famous mafia characters would best represent each owner. I didn’t just think of gangster films — any fictional character portraying at least a somewhat high-level mafia, gang, mob, or criminal organization was eligible. However, that edition of the newsletter ended up being too long and I had to cut this section as a result. But all these months later, I discovered that I had in fact saved my work. Now, with the latest news about Snyder, I have a fitting occasion to bring it back to life!
Without further ado: NFL owners if they were fictional mob bosses.
Mark Davis: Fredo Corleone — the son of one of the greatest dons ever, he can’t measure up and is useless. Also, both Davis and Fredo were heavily influenced by the allures of Las Vegas.
Dean Spanos: Jabba the Hutt — Both are gigantic slimeballs who live in the desert. Plus, Jabba’s life came to an end at the hands of a woman. So too might Spanos’ team ownership.
Clark Hunt: Nucky Thompson — Beloved by the community they lead, both Hunt and Thompson have a death grip on their cities’ politics and vices and do some shady behind-the-scenes stuff.
Rob Walton: Wilton Fisk (Kingpin) — While Kingpin is the physically largest fictional mob member, Walton is the wealthiest NFL owner by far. Hopefully Walton isn’t also a Mets fan.
Robert Kraft: Frank Costello — Costello and Kraft pretty much own Boston, ruthlessly push for more success, and have avoided most trouble thanks to one man (Colin Sullivan/Tom Brady).
Woody Johnson: Tommy DeVito — Hot tempered, belligerent, and constantly making enemies, DeVito and Johnson have made some funny moments. Funny how? Like a clown, amusing us.
Terry Pegula: Marlo Stanfield — Not well-liked by most outside their organizations, Stanfield and Pegula are hell bent on shaking up the pecking order and ending up at the very top of it all.
Stephen Ross: Avon Barksdale — Once living the life of luxury, Barksdale and Ross have been caught and arrested/suspended, though they’re still running their operations from afar.
Art Rooney: Michael Corleone — Both Rooney and Corleone have followed in their late fathers’ footsteps and continued the good fortunes of one of the most successful empires in their field.
Mike Brown: Fat Tony — One of the most cartoonishly bad owners in the league, Brown is all about the money, just like Tony. Also, each of them has a liking for orange and black cats.
Jimmy Haslam: Marsellus Wallace — Despite having the riches and ruthlessness to get what they want, Wallace, Haslam, and Haslam’s Browns end up getting fucked in the ass a lot.
Steve Bisciotti: Stringer Bell — With his team trying to be the rebound this year, Bisciotti wants people to put the word out that they back up. Just remember — Bell gets shot in the end.
Jim Irsay: Tony Montana — They say to never get high on your own supply. Both Montana and Irsay have made that mistake and paid dearly for it. I wonder if Scarface had a lot of guitars…
Shahid Khan: Paulie Gualtieri — Emotional and known to make rash decisions when it comes to killings/signings/coach hirings, Gualtieri and Khan manage to stand out thanks to their hair.
Amy Adams Strunk: “Big Mom” Charlotte Linlin — One of, if not the most powerful, woman in the NFL, Strunk is affectionately known to Titans fans as “Mom,” which is also Linlin’s nickname.
McNair Family: Proposition Joe — Laid back and preferring non-violent/religious solutions, Joe and the McNair’s are nonetheless willing to be deceitful and ruthless to get what they want.
Jed York: Tony Soprano — Both Soprano and York came into power at a young age, have a vulnerable side, aren’t the smartest people, and employ(ed) a man synonymous with “pussy.”
Paul Allen Trust: Thomas Shelby — Well-respected by their community and peers, Shelby and the late Allen suffer from PTSD (Shelby due to World War I and Allen due to Malcolm Butler).
Stan Kroenke: Emilio Barzini — Ruthless and generally evil (even compared to other mobsters), Barzini and Kroenke make a lot of headway despite being despised by pretty much everyone.
Michael Bidwill: Oswald Cobblepot (The Penguin) — Despite their riches and love of bow ties, Bidwill and Cobblepot have had little success (when’s the last time the Penguin beat Batman?).
Virginia Halas McCaskey: Aku — Seemingly around since the beginning of time, McCaskey is perceived to be as evil as Aku by Bears fans and has seemingly also ruined the future.
Sheila Ford Hamp: Janine “Smurf” Cody — Seemingly legit and nice ladies, the cold-blooded Hamp and Cody have a warped hold over her family. Plus, smurfs and the Lions are blue.
Zygi Wilf: Wario — I don’t care that this is a mafia-themed comparison. Wilf looks exactly like Mario’s old enemy. Plus, Wario has more than enough money and Italian-isms to qualify.
Packers Fans: Hydra — Cut one head off and two more will appear. Hydra and Packers fans will not stop until they’ve spread their influence of evil and cheese across the entire world.
Arthur Blank: Carmine Falcone — While Falcone is one of Batman’s sleaziest villains, Blank appears to be one of the nicest owners in sports. But goddamn they look exactlyalike.
David Tepper: Jimmy Conway — May seem like a nice guy and good friend, but Conway and Tepper are both kind of a dick and only truly care about making as much money as possible.
Gayle Benson: Helena Ayala — It took the death/incarceration of their husbands, but Ayala and Benson transformed from a wife not familiar with the business to a powerful leader.
The Glazer Family: Vincent Corleone — Both achieved success thanks to an old man. Also, I wish The Godfather Part III didn’t exist and the Glazers didn’t own Manchester United.
Jeffrey Lurie: Vito Corleone — Both Corleone and Lurie have guided their groups to previously unforeseen success and are among the most-well liked and respected of their peers.
Jerry Jones: Vigo Tarasov: Jones and Tarasov can thank one man (Herschel Walker/John Wick) for their greatness. Both have idiot sons and get owned by one man (Aaron Rodgers/Wick).
John Mara/Steve Tisch: Henry Hill — Hill always wanted to be a gangster, while Tisch’s father bought his way into football. Hill rats out his mob family, which I could totally see Mara doing.
Dan Snyder: Sonny Corleone — Hot tempered, ruthless, and quick to violence, Corleone feeds the flames of fighting and helps ignite a mob war. Kind of like what Snyder’s doing, huh?
Roger Goodell: Tom Hagen — While not technically a member of the family, Hagen and Goodell speak for everyone when it comes to legal matters and acts as the face of the business.
MORE LOVE & EVEN MORE ALCOHOL
For the second straight draft day newsletter, football discussion must make room for love… and drinking… a lot of drinking.
Last year, Ewing’s bachelor party recap was one of the highlights of the draft newsletter. This year, it was Nick’s turn to invite a bunch of guys to celebrate bachelorhood ahead of his wedding the following month. You can say this segment was planned a year in advance, given that Nick had proposed just before last year’s newsletter was released. That may not happen next year, given that no one stepped up and got down on one knee this time (looking at you, Kyle, Jimmy, and Chriss). We still have a year, though, so chop chop, everyone! Lord knows I’m not gonna be able to have a bachelor party for a while…
As far as Nick’s bachelor party goes, it was a wild, five-day affair spanning multiple states and countless amounts of alcohol (although the fifth day was pretty much just cleaning up the Airbnb and driving home. But rather than do what I did last year and recap one full day of shenanigans at Ewing’s party, I’m gonna do something a little different and rank some of the best moments which were spread across this near week-long adventure. Some of these moments will be a little skewed, given that I naturally couldn’t be present for everything that happened (one of our Airbnb rentals was literally in half. But still, I think I’m hitting the major moments.
TOP 10 MOMENTS FROM NICK’S BACHELOR PARTY
For context: there were six total people from the Epic League at the bachelor party — Nick (obviously), Kyle, Chriss, Jimmy, Ewing, and myself. In addition, five other guys — Gabe, Oscar, Nephew (Nick’s actual biological nephew [despite being just a few years younger than him] who’s also named Nick), Brian, and Sam — were also present. The trip lasted from Wednesday, April 12 to Sunday, April 16. The first night took place in San Francisco, before we drove to Reno, where we spent the next three nights. Ewing could only make the Bay Area portion of the trip, while Sam could only make the Reno portion. Keep this all in mind as you read the following.
HONORABLE MENTION: THE GREATEST UBER EVER
I was not personally a part of this moment, but I have seen pictures and heard stories about what happened. The first night we were in Reno, several guys decided to continue the drinking we had begun in the Airbnb inside a nearby casino. They called an Uber to get there, but certainly didn’t expect what arrived. Their ride was lit up in rainbow colors along the rims and undercarriage. The inside was like a nightclub, with bright lights decorating the underside of the roof. I think I can safely claim that the ride to the casino will rank among the greatest Uber calls for all involved.
HONORABLE MENTION: NOT SO SHRIMPY
I’ll go into more detail on the immaculate Friday night dinner later, but I want to highlight two small parts of the meal. Actually, the first isn’t exactly small, which is why it’s so memorable. Nick ordered the chef’s special, which included some shrimp. However, this was the biggest shrimp anyone of us had ever seen — it was seriously the size of a first. Nick didn’t even finish it, taking one big bite before packing the rest up to go. The second part came after Nick had just been served his dessert. We all spontaneously decided to sing “Happy birthday,” even though it wasn’t.
HONORABLE MENTION: A MUCH-NEEDED ESCAPE
Friday night, about half of the bachelor party went on an excursion I will go into more detail on later. But those of us who stayed behind (Kyle, Gabe, Sam, and myself) knew those who went wouldn’t wake up for quite a while the following morning. While Sam elected to stay at the Airbnb to start Saturday, Kyle, Gabe, and I realized we were all really good at escape rooms and there happened to be a highly-rated one nearby. So we went. After successfully getting out of a sinking German U-boat, we came back just in time for most of the other part of the group to wake up.
HONORABLE MENTION: AN UNEXPECTED MOVIE WATCH
Looking back, one of the last things I would’ve expected to happen while we were in Reno was someone leaking Down in the Valley — the 2015 “30 for 30” documentary about the fight to keep the Kings in Sacramento, which was never officially released due to sexual assault allegations against then-Mayor Kevin Johnson — on YouTube. During a planned break in the schedule, I downloaded and then watched the movie. It was extremely well done and incredibly emotional, with seeing it right before Game 1 against the Golden State Warriors making it even sweeter.
10. TAKING IN A RIVALRY
While the Reno portion of the trip will naturally take up the majority of this list, I’d be mistaken to not spotlight the reason we went to San Francisco to start everything: Nick’s beloved Los Angeles Dodgers were in town to face the rival Giants. The fun began at New Belgium, where cameos by all three Ewings (including Aly and birthday girl Marin) and plenty of beer got things started on the right foot. The game itself was also incredibly fun, with everyone excited to see one of the biggest rivalries in baseball in person. The Giants jumped out to a 3-0 lead early, before the Dodgers came roaring back to tie the game on a Max Muncy home run. Then came the 6th inning, which saw an amazing 15-pitch at-bat end in a bases loaded walk, sparking a five-run surge for Los Angeles, capped off by another dinger by Muncy. San Francisco made a small rally late, but ultimately fell 10-5, much to Nick’s delight (also, Clayton Kershaw started for the Dodgers). Most importantly, Ewing and I got to have another Crazy Crab sandwich, which was delightful.
9. WHERE’S BRIAN?
Surprisingly, the most exciting part of the game didn’t happen on the field. Once we all got into Oracle Park, Brian (who had put down more than a few beers at New Belgium) just decided to take off and do his own thing. He didn’t even arrive where we were seated, even though the section, row, and number of our tickets had been sent to the group chat. Periodically, we would get some messages from Brian, who had made his way into the second deck and was apparently watching the game from a different seat. At one point, Brian actually moved down to right below our section, having paid $35 for the seat upgrade (he never did make it up to where we were sitting). The fun didn’t stop after the final out, which saw Brian apparently head straight for New Belgium, which was closed. Between the chaos of exiting the stadium and the drunkenness of Brian, it took us almost half an hour to finally find him outside the ballpark, after which we were finally reunited. No one has gotten an answer as to why Brian just decided to fuck off.
8. THE GREAT SHOPPING FIASCO
Upon everyone arriving in Reno, the first order of business was to buy a shit ton of beer/alcohol, as well as groceries, so we could all make some cheap breakfast at the Airbnb each day. Jimmy, Chriss, and I were sent on the mission, which could’ve gone better. We went to the closest shop on the GPS, which turned out to be a Hispanic market. A lot of stuff was expensive in bulk, so we checked our map one more time, only to realize there was a Costco nearby (Chriss is a member). After sheepishly putting most of our cart back (and a technical error at the self-checkout delaying us even more), we finally arrived at Costco and got most of the stuff. However, we were missing ping pong balls. The search was surprisingly difficult, with store closures and empty shelves leaving Jimmy legitimately the most pissed off I’ve ever seen him. We finally picked some up at a Dollar Tree, arriving back at the AirBNB at least half an hour later than we should have and with everyone else having finished their share of the pizza they had ordered for the first night.
7. SWITCHING IT UP
After we were all full of pizza, we began the first night in Reno by getting into the drinking portion of the trip. But after a round of Chandelier (which I won) and a couple of boat races, the boozy competition turned to another kind of game. Kyle had brought his Nintendo Switch and a bunch of controllers, so naturally the first thing we did was fire up Mario Kart 8 Deluxe and play drunk driving (you had to finish a shot of beer/seltzer before crossing the finish line). While I held my own after a brief stumble, Kyle and Chriss were among the upper echelon, with Nephew taking the top spot in the end. Fortunately, the next game would be Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Playing a five-man free-for-all with items, with the winner staying on (and drinking to make things more even), I dominated the first three matches while playing a different character each time. Then Kyle stepped up and did the exact same thing. Naturally, we had a one-on-one match with no items to determine the champ. I’ll leave it a mystery as to who won (shut the fuck up, Kyle).
6. TAKING A SWING AT THINGS
What bachelor party could be complete without a round of golf (or “golf” in Ewing’s case)? Only seven of us actually played, though we still had plenty of entertainment. The threesome included Brian (the only actual golfer), who played badly for his standards but still dominated en route to a 93. Nick had more pee breaks than double bogeys on the course, while Kyle’s up and down day led to him finishing just short of the podium. As for the foursome, Sam (who never plays golf despite working for a golf course) came last overall, while Chriss had an eventful day. Between chasing balls well into the brush and at one point crashing into the back of me and Jimmy’s cart, Chriss somehow managed a par 3, though he still finished in the bottom half of the standings. As for Jimmy and I, it seems we are destined to duel forever. We were even through the front nine and after trading scores across the back nine (including a par 4 for me), were tied going into the 18th hole. Alas, my drive was shit and Jimmy finished second by two strokes, while I got third.
5. A TALE OF THREE IRONS
Another unexpected event that happened during Nick’s bachelor party was the solving of a mystery that had been around for several years. Before getting back into the swing of things over the past few months, I hadn’t played golf in years. When I began playing again, I noticed something odd about my clubs — I had two 3-irons, one of which wasn’t the same brand as the rest (I have Callaways). I brought this up to the group, which included Jimmy, who mentioned he hadn’t had a 3-iron of his own in years. Somehow, neither of us connected the dots until this month, when on Hole 15 in Reno I hit a bad shot with the rogue 3-iron. I bitched about the dual clubs again and Jimmy finally asked what brand the other club was. I looked and saw it was Nickent Rafale, then looked at Jimmy’s clubs and saw they were all Nickent Rafale. Somehow, I had Jimmy’s 3-iron for years and neither of us realized it. I guess he had accidentally put his club in my bag and it went undetected. At long last, Jimmy finally has a full set of golf clubs again.
4. A FEAST FIT FOR KINGS
After golf, some of the group went to Jimboy’s ahead of dinner. That turned out to be a mistake, because the food at the Atlantis Steakhouse was absolutely sublime. Arguably the fanciest meal I’ve ever had started off with the bougiest bread basket in history, a wine list on an iPad, and an amuse-bouche (a spoonful of spicy crab and cucumber). It concluded with chocolate coconut truffles, a slice of coffee cake in a to-go bag, and warm, damp towels. In between was some of the best food I’ve eaten, with the filet mignon being cooked to perfection, the steak fries being some of the tastiest I’ve ever had, and my first ever taste of bone marrow being… interesting. But honestly my favorite part of the meal might’ve been the red pepper seafood bisque soup we had before the main course. Holy fucking shit that mean literally melted in my mouth. Between that and watching Nick order his massive shrimp, a cocktail that required a literal fire to make, and his flaming desert, we got quite an impressive show to go along with that truly amazing meal.
3. LATE INTO THE NIGHT
After we got back from dinner, four of us decided to call it a night and stay at the Airbnb. But Nick, Jimmy, Chriss, Brian, Oscar, and Nephew decided to keep the party going, heading back around a little after midnight. Because I wasn’t there for what happened next and there was a copious amount of alcohol consumed by those who were, I don’t have too many details about these events I heard about second-hand. But what I do know is that the group went to a bar called Shooter’s, where a lot of alcohol happened and Jimmy gave himself a pep talk. At some point, the group decided to head to a… gentlemen’s institution… which unfortunately caused some issues with the female partners of the bachelor party group (there was apparently a debate over whether or not the women would be cool with their men going to a strip club). Apart from Chriss trying to practice his flirting game, I’m not sure what else happened, but what I do know is that everyone managed to make it home by (wait for it) 7:30 a.m. Yeah, everyone was fucking dead afterwards.
2. ALL ACES FOR RIVER CATS
Unless I go viral for doing something incredibly stupid, the closest I’ll ever come to being a celebrity is at Greater Nevada Field, during that Saturday’s game between the Sacramento River Cats and Reno Aces. The group (minus Sam [who went home to Portland] and Oscar [who was still dead from the night before]) showed up to the game wearing matching shirts that said “Beer Squad” on the front. Everyone we passed dapped us up, especially when we inevitably went to get beer. We got seats right behind the River Cats’ dugout, which came in handy at the end of the 1st inning when a Sacramento player threw the ball over the mesh net and I reached out and grabbed it. We also immediately bonded with one Aces player — first baseman Seth Beer. As for the game itself, the River Cats absolutely whooped Reno’s ass, going up 15-1 at one point due to the Aces literally being unable to stop walking and hitting the opposing batters. Despite suffering the absolute dumbest 9th inning I’ve ever seen in person, the River Cats hung on to win 15-6.
1. LIGHT THE BEAM
The River Cats game wasn’t the one we cared about that night. Around the 6th inning, Nephew pulled up a stream of Game 1 between the Sacramento Kings and Golden State Warriors on his phone. Once the baseball game ended, we hurried across the street and found a sports bar, which was playing the game. We basically took over a corner of the bar and ordered drinks and food. But for the only time during the entire bachelor party, the drinks and food were consumed slowly and infrequently. That’s because we were so focused on what was happening on the court, we only felt comfortable eating or drinking during a break in the action. Even then, we were all wondering whether each bite or sip would be our last, because playoff basketball games are incredibly fucking stressful. We were living and dying with each shot — when the last shot by the Warriors missed and the Kings officially won, we all screamed at the top of our lungs (and then breathed a massive sigh of relief). It was the perfect cherry on top of a fantastic overall trip.
A MANIACAL YEAR
I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, both good and bad, but one description that’s stuck with me is “anomaly.” For many, I could see that being an insult. But I don’t, especially because it’s kind of true. I’m a Hispanic man who doesn’t like beans and can’t roll his r’s. When I wanted to take my first solo vacation (having never been further than Hawai’i), I naturally decided on a ten-day excursion to Japan. Name one other person who can name every major sports team in America, say the alphabet backwards, roll through all the engines on the Island of Sodor, and recite the entire script of Tommy Boy — all by heart. Hell, how many people write a 10,000-word fantasy football newsletter every week (only just changed to every month)?
Here’s another fact to throw in the “anomaly” pile: despite growing up during the Attitude and Ruthless Aggression Eras (the points when professional wrestling was arguably at its most popular and highest quality), I never got into it. I’m not entirely sure why, though I distinctly remember my dad yelling at me when my friend brought over a WWE video game and selected “Hell in a Cell” mode. Even without my dad’s dislike, I didn’t really vibe with the overall theme of the Attitude Era and when the Ruthless Aggression Era began I had already been thinking, “you know, this stuff seems kind of fake.” Whenever wrestling-related items got big enough to make it mainstream (Cena-Rock, the CM Punk pipebomb, the formation of AEW, pandemic-related news), I would read about them, scoff slightly, and move on. I rooted heavily against Brock Lesnar when he competed in the UFC. Wrestlemania 31 was held within a two-hour drive of my hometown and I barely batted an eye. Hell, Smackdown even became the Friday night lead-in program for the show I was producing and I still didn’t pay attention. Last year, as I approached my 30th birthday, I could maybe name five pro wrestlers, one being the aforementioned Cena, who was at the tail end of his career.
So how the hell, one year later, did I find myself taking a day off work to attend Night 2 of Wrestlemania 39 in person — my third in-person major wrestling show in a month’s span?
I guess if you wanted to simplify it, you could just blame Pat McAfee. During my illustrious, single-season football career, I was the team’s placekicker (my 15 years of playing soccer translated to something else). But it gave me a lifetime appreciation for special teams, so when a former NFL punter suddenly became the host of the hottest show in sports media, I eagerly supported and watched along. Still, when I found out McAfee was a WWE commentator, I didn’t tune in. I also tuned out when McAfee interviewed the likes of Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, and even Vince McMahon. Skipping the latter is how I didn’t find out that McAfee had a match at Wrestlemania 38 until after it happened. When McAfee talked about the match the following day, I decided to check it out. I found a video of the match and, after it was done, decided to take a cursory glance at the recommended videos, which were naturally all about wrestling. While there were several videos about Roman Reigns, Bianca Belair, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and even Johnny Knoxville, the majority of the recommendations were about a wrestler I didn’t recognize. Still, the vast amount of videos reacting to his Wrestlemania 38 appearance intrigued me enough to seek out an answer to my question.
“Who the fuck is Cody Rhodes?”
Unbeknownst to me, that decision also doubled as me jumping off the edge of the normal sports world and diving into the massive chasm that is the world of professional wrestling.
As I read more about Rhodes — his family legacy, his path from the WWE to the indies to AEW and back — I got more interested in the history of both major organizations and wrestling as a whole. But before I could really indulge myself, I had to answer the big question: how can people be this passionate about a “sport” that’s clearly fake? The answer, I eventually learned, was pretty simple, made more so by realizing that everyone knew the results were predertimed (thank you, Curtain Call). We know movies and TV shows and plays are fake, yet some have legions of fans waiting on every word and scene. It comes down to things like good writing, acting, special effects, drama, and the ability to make viewers suspend their disbelief. Sure, there are some fans that care way too much about wrestling and take it way too seriously. There are also some that glorify the brutal, bloody, and sexualized aspects of it way more than they should. Plenty of pieces of entertainment have a lot of the former and sports has a heaping pile of the latter, so it makes sense that sports entertainment has a larger, more vocal group of these kinds of fans than most. Still, you never judge something by the worst part of a fan group. The majority of wrestling fans I’ve met are cool people who know this is just entertainment. They also know that wrestling as a whole can be pretty fucking stupid (albeit an endearing kind of stupid). But when it’s at its peak, wrestling can be more entertaining than most other avenues. In fact, the knowledge that it is staged can add to the action, with some of the most iconic moments and storylines blending fiction and reality masterfully. This aspect appears to be unique to pro wrestling alone.
Once I understood all of this, it’s like a dozen different switches clicked on at once. As someone who worked in the TV industry, I can appreciate the work it takes to produce an entertaining product on a consistent basis. I’ve been deep into fandoms of fiction media (and have enough memories of Harry Potter cosplay to cringe at for eternity). Obviously, I know a bit about sports and have played more than a few in my day. But even without that, my functioning eyes and brain can appreciate the level of athleticism needed to put on a wrestling match, especially while NOT trying to injure your opponent. Plus, while most of what happens is done as carefully as possible, there are some times where you straight up jump off a ladder and into a table. That shit hurts, and I appreciate the effort to deal with the pain for our entertainment.
Having finally opened myself up to understand pro wrestling, I now had two paths to go down. The first was, for me, the easiest — dive into the history of the industry and, with hindsight being 20/20, find out how and why what happened ended up happening. As a history buff (and sports history buff), this was easy, especially with there being a seemingly endless amount of material on the matter. The second was a little more tricky — follow the modern day stuff as it was happening. I wanted to have the proper background and knowledge beforehand, so I actually understood what I was watching. By the time I knew I was ready to actually watch wrestling, there was a PPV event ready to go that weekend, one that just happened to include Rhodes. Finding out my sister’s friend had accidentally left her Peacock account logged in on our TV, I tuned in to watch my first ever live wrestling show: Hell in a Cell (sorry, Dad).
Throughout the evening, I saw action that ranged from great (the triple threat for the Raw Women’s title), to good (Judgement Day vs. A.J. Styles, Finn Balor, and Liv Morgan), to meh (Bobby Lashley vs. Omos/MVP). Then the main event happened. Seth Rollins came out with his Dusty Rhodes “tribute,” Cody followed, and the match was set to begin. Only, Rhodes still had his jacket on. Just before the bell, Rhodes finally disrobed and revealed his grotesquely purple, bruised arm and chest, the result of a torn pectoral muscle. My jaw hit the floor — this lunatic was really going to wrestle a match in that kind of condition. Well, Rhodes didn’t just wrestle. He and Rollins put on a legitimate classic, with Rhodes getting the win. Despite my recency bias, I knew I had seen something special, which has since been confirmed by basically everyone in the wrestling world. Wrestling had previously had my curiosity — now it had my attention.
The problem was, it had to keep my attention. With Rhodes having to miss time to repair that injury, I had to look to other parts of the industry to find something to follow. Fortunately, it seemed 2022 was the craziest year in recent wrestling history, with that month of June being perhaps the biggest part of that. Days before Hell in a Cell, MJF had dropped his own version of the pipebomb, throwing AEW into chaos as they were dealing with a legendary injury bug that threatened their historic collaboration with NJPW for Forbidden Door. Sasha Banks and Naomi had already walked out on WWE and the impact was certainly being felt. But of course, the biggest piece of news that month (and maybe all of wrestling history) was soon to follow.
Incredibly, the majority of my time as a wrestling fan has been without Vince McMahon steering WWE’s creative direction. Just weeks after Hell in a Cell, the first reports of hush money payments surfaced, with McMahon stepping down soon after. Then, the following month, McMahon announced his retirement (which lasted for about six months). Still, the fact that McMahon was no longer running the ship sent shockwaves through the wrestling industry, with all eyes on WWE to see how things could play out. I knew enough at the time to recognize that McMahon’s outdated views and creative mindset had set the product back, resulted in many missed opportunities, and even indirectly led to the formation of AEW. So what would happen when someone else — Paul Levesque — had creative control? The first few RAW and Smackdown episodes post-McMahon were well-received, with much-appreciated changes being made. There was finally buzz around WWE’s weekly programming again.
This just so happened to play perfectly along my growing wrestling fandom. While I was watching the product now, I had yet to go to a show. However, I had been planning a long-awaited vacation to Washington, D.C. to visit some friends and finally see the capital city. I have a goal of seeing a game at every Major League Baseball venue, so I picked a week where not only the Washington Nationals were in town, but also the nearby Baltimore Orioles and Philadelphia Phillies. During the days leading up to the trip, I was looking for some last-minute things to do. Then I noticed something — Raw was scheduled to be in town the day of my arrival in D.C. It was too much of a coincidence — I bit the bullet and bought a ticket. Never would I have predicted I would spend part of a trip watching pro wrestling, but it was set.
Despite feeling the effects of cross-country jet lag, the epic Drew McIntyre-Kevin Owens promo and match, the first ever Styles-Lashley encounter, and the women’s tag team title eliminator involving my new love Asuka were more than enough to keep me entertained. I had actually gone to a wrestling show and left the building wanting more. But the D.C. wrestling experience wasn’t over. Two days later, I decided to spend my last full night in the nation’s capital watching AEW’s Dynamite for the first time. CM Punk and Jon Moxley nearly killed each other during their promos, Bryan Danielson and Daniel Garcia had a fantastic two out of three falls match, and the Gunns betrayed their father, only for the Acclaimed to make the save and reunite with Billy Gunn. Oh yeah — and this happened. Yep, I was in.
For the next several months, I kept following the wrestling world, catching live TV when I could but gathering knowledge of the history of the industry. During this time, I — like millions of wrestling fans — became engrossed in the Bloodline storyline, with this level of writing and drama legitimately making me want more. As 2022 turned into 2023, excitement was building for the Royal Rumble, with rumors swirling that the Rock could make an appearance and set up a match with Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania 39. But there was another person I was hoping would finally return to the ring.
Cody Rhodes was the reason I even began looking into pro wrestling and his story had left me incredibly impressed. The son of one of the most beloved and influential wrestling figures (yet someone who never won the biggest championship in the industry), Rhodes was a blue chip prospect who seemingly was improving on his own. But poor creative decisions led to Rhodes floundering in the midcard. So he did something incredibly risky — he left WWE and bet on himself to become a major star. All he did was become one of the biggest names on the independent circuit, join the most popular faction in wrestling, and eventually create the biggest rival to WWE since WCW. Now, not only was he back in WWE, but as the star character he had become on his own. The Wrestlemania 38 moment and torn pec match had only shot his popularity even further skyward. In fact, dare I say, Rhodes had become my favorite wrestler, for his real life story as much as his great in-ring work and mic skills. But there was no way Rhodes would return and win the Rumble, right?
Well, that’s exactly what happened. Rhodes booked himself a shot at Reigns at Wrestlemania 39 and — despite a white hot Sami Zayn not getting that spot — still remained incredibly popular with fans and became integrated into the Bloodline storyline naturally. It then dawned on me — Wrestlemania was going to take place in Los Angeles. It was in the opposite half of my state, but it would be in California, nonetheless. I could make that work. I looked at tickets for Night 2 and saw they were insanely expensive. So, thinking of the logistics involved, I didn’t pull the trigger. But those thoughts of going to a major show were still floating around in my head. Fortunately, there was an event that could satisfy my desires.
During the Levesque era, WWE’s creative works had seemingly drawn even with that of AEW, if not surpassed it. While WWE had created plenty of hype around their PPV events, AEW had little to no build around their first major event of 2023, Revolution. That being said, once AEW announced the Dynamite after Revolution would take place in my hometown of Sacramento, I bought tickets. But then I began to take another look at Revolution, which was set for San Francisco. It would be a Sunday, which would make one-day travel potentially difficult with work the next morning. Plus, I couldn’t convince anyone to go with me. However, I had pulled these kinds of one-off events before — I managed to drive down to Los Angeles, watch my beloved Boston Red Sox win Game 5 of the 2018 World Series (and clinch the title), and fly home within a 24-hour span. Maybe I could pull off something similar. So, I bought a seat three rows below the top of the Chase Center, drove to the Bay, and sat down for my first major wrestling event.
I wasn’t sure what to expect that night, but Revolution blew everything out of the water. There was not one single bad match on the night — even the pre-show match was a banger. Getting to see Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks wrestle was a privilege and their trios title match with the House of Black was a whole lot of fun. Jon Moxley and “Hangman” Adam Page literally tore off pieces of each other in the ring. Then, you had the 60-plus minute epic between MJF and Danielson — even as a rookie fan I knew had seen something special. I knew Revolution was a great event, but having only watched old AEW events in the aftermath, I didn’t know enough to put it in perspective. So the fact that most experts rated Revolution 2023 among the company’s best ever shows and MJF-Danielson among its best ever matches was validating. Throw in the fact that I made it home before 11 p.m. and it was a good decision all around.
Three days later, I was in the Golden 1 Center — this time with a couple of friends (including Chriss) — as AEW made its Sacramento debut. Four hours of wrestling later and I was happy to have seen another good show (albeit a little tired with a combined eight-plus hours of wrestling in a span of a few days). That being said, there was a fire in me to see more. I had now seen two minor shows and one major show — each of them had been good, with the latter being legendary. Sheer coincidence had played a big role in what happened, but I still had to go with the flow and take advantage of my opportunities. I thought again about Wrestlemania 39, about the chance to see a potentially great card headlined by a legendary moment: the potential fall of the Tribal Chief. What’s more, my favorite wrestler — and the reason I was even a wrestling fan — was all set to be the one to do it. No matter what, this was going to be a legendary wrestling moment. Beyond the satisfaction of seeing another one of my favorites win a championship in Los Angeles, I would get to see one of the industry’s greatest all-time happenings. So I went back and — after a lot of digging and effort — managed to secure a ticket for Night 2 of Wrestlemania. I paid a bit more than what I had hoped and the seat wasn’t exactly close to the ring, but all I wanted was to be in the building and see the action.
One year to the day that Rhodes made his WWE return at Wrestlemania 38 — and unintentionally sent me down the rabbit hole of professional wrestling — I walked into Sofi Stadium to take in the final night of an event I never saw myself attending: Wrestlemania 39. Los Angeles had been turned into a wrestling’s fan’s paradise, with signs about the show plastered across streets and an entire section of the LA Convention Center turned into a WWE shop (which was admittedly pretty cool). The entire plaza around Crypto.com Arena (which I made sure to flip off) was advertising a comedy show by the now-retired Undertaker. From the airport to the city to my hotel and everywhere in between, wrestling fans were gathered as far as the eye could see. The number of fans only increased when I got to the stadium, joining what would be eventually revealed to be a crowd of 81,000+ people eagerly awaiting the wrestling. I can only imagine how much more special being there would’ve felt had I been a wrestling fan for more than a year. It kind of makes me want to go to the Super Bowl Experience (and the game itself) someday.
(Side note: technically this means I’ve been to another NFL venue, with Sofi hosting the Rams and Chargers. To give a quick review, it’s absolutely massive and absolutely stunning. I didn’t get to see a whole lot, but what I saw was amazing. It’s a little jarring to see a giant mechanical halo scoreboard above the field/ring, but you get used to it. Getting around is a little confusing but the food and drink options were nice. They also give everyone an aluminum cup, which you can put in a special machine to recycle it afterwards. I may be biased, but for as incredible as Sofi was, for my money Allegiant Stadium is better. That’s not really an insult, given they’re the two newest NFL stadiums and are already considered Top 5 across the league.)
Minutes before the in-ring action began, a pregnant woman sitting two seats away from me suddenly threw up all over the aisle. While I wasn’t in the splash zone, it took at least 15 minutes before staff members showed up to clean it up, which admittedly took away from the experience. But once things got rolling, the sports entertainment was ramped up to 11. Brock Lesnar vs. Omos was exactly what I thought it would be (not a bad thing), the women’s tag showcase was fun, my beloved Asuka and Bianca Belair put on a show that sadly Belair won, and Edge and Finn Balor had incredible entrances (their match was good, but was negatively impacted by Balor needing to be treated for a nasty cut he received during the action). The Intercontinental title match between Gunther, McIntyre, and Sheamus was absolutely phenomenal and (according to pretty much everyone) in contention with MJF-Danielson and a couple others as the match of the year so far. I also never thought I’d see a returning Shane McMahon follow his dad and tear his quad in the ring, only for Snoop Dogg to hit the People’s Elbow on the Miz. Then came the main event, what I was there for. Rhodes’ entrance was predictably epic, while Reigns was all of the domineering presence a double champ could be. Their match was fantastic, with memorable spots and great in-ring storytelling. There were also plenty of shenanigans, with Solo Sikoa being sent backstage by the ref and Zayn and Owens battling the Usos. Right when the match hit its crescendo, everything was in place and Rhodes appeared set to finally win the belt…
… except he didn’t. Despite being ejected earlier, Sikoa snuck back to the ring and hit Rhodes while the ref was distracted, allowing Reigns to hit his finishing move and get the pin to retain the titles. The main event of Wrestlemania 39 ended just like Reigns’ matches always do — bullshit interference to retain and send the crowd home sad.
Sad didn’t exactly describe how the crowd felt after that finish. All of the excitement was completely killed. You could hear a pin drop as people walked out of that arena. Needless to say, I was stunned and pissed, with that walk back to my hotel not exactly feeling fun. It was basically like the ending of Super Bowl LVII — a legendary game overshadowed by its deflating ending. I could go over why it wasn’t just me being an angry Rhodes fan, but objectively it being one of the more bizarre booking decisions in WWE history. Just know I’m not alone.
Over the next 24 hours, more news began to break that appeared to shed some light on the situation, and it wasn’t good. The day after Wrestlemania, news broke that WWE had been sold to Endeavor, the parent company of the UFC. All across the networks and websites reporting the sale, one figure was front and center: Vince McMahon. Over the past few months, it had been reported that the once-departed McMahon had been back behind-the-scenes, although he allegedly had no role in creative decisions. The sale seemed like that would change, and that somehow McMahon had come back from damning sexual assault allegations (and much worse) to not only become billions of dollars richer, but return to a position of power in WWE. That night saw the first Raw after Wrestlemania, typically one of the most watched and eventful episodes of the year. It was universally panned, with the reception not helped by the news that McMahon was reportedly behind a number of last-minute rewrites and cut segments that night. Wrestlers were also apparently not happy with the changes and WWE fans’ worst fear: Vince was back and the renaissance in quality under Levesque was over.
The weeks since Wrestlemania have calmed things down — at least a little bit. McMahon apparently only had a hand in that episode of Raw, with following episodes of both Raw and Smackdown returning to form. The prevailing thought about Reigns retaining his titles is that the WWE wanted stability during the sale and can make a lot of money once Reigns hits 1,000 days as Universal champion, which will happen exactly one month from now. Rhodes is set to battle Lesnar at Backlash next month, with the Bloodline having a few more months to progress, especially with the Usos losing the tag team belts to Zayn and Owens. The hope among fans and experts is that Rhodes will face Reigns again at SummerSlam (considered WWE’s biggest non-Wrestlemania event), with the American Nightmare actually winning this time. The feat is all of this continues for another year until Wrestlemania XL. I do think Rhodes will eventually beat Reigns and become champion — WWE isn’t dumb enough to pass on all of the money and good attention a Rhodes championship reign would bring. But you never know. A lot could be made clear tomorrow, when the WWE Draft begins and wrestlers get shuffled around the various brands. Seeds of eventual storylines could be planted.
Interestingly, the one company who’s more on fire after a record-breaking Wrestlemania is actually AEW. Two days after Raw after Wrestlemania flopped, Dynamite was incredibly well-received. Jay White — one of the top wrestling stars overseas — was revealed to have signed with AEW and formed a new faction. The Outcasts story in the women’s division got more attention. The Blackpool Combat Club kept its destruction going, with an inevitable clash with the Elite and “Hangman” Page in the future. MJF stole the show with his celebration, which was interrupted by three young stars who he will likely have a fatal four-way title match at Double or Nothing — “Jungle Boy” Jack Perry, Sammy Guevara, and Darby Allin. The popular FTR won back the tag team titles from the despised Gunns. But most importantly, AEW announced its biggest event ever: All In, set for August at Wembley Stadium in London. It will also take place two months after the second Forbidden Door event — a collaboration between AEW and New Japan Pro-Wrestling. As a whole, AEW seems to have found its groove and created a lot of hype around itself. Now let’s see if they can capitalize.
As for myself as a wrestling fan, where am I after Year 1? Well, I’d say “cautiously optimistic.” I’d be lying if I denied that the ending of Wrestlemania 39 didn’t leave me a little sad and disappointed, that I had been taken advantage of a little bit. I also recognize that Rhodes losing was always a possibility and the fact that obviously he had to be in on it (as all parties were) softened the blow. I share the same fear as the majority of WWE fans about McMahon’s influence and potential reluctance to take the belts off Reigns in the foreseeable future. On the other hand, I’m excited to see what AEW can do with a full, healthy roster and several ambitious events in the future. CM Punk could be coming back as a planned new live show is introduced, so who the hell knows how that will end. While I’m still following WWE, it’s in more of a passive way than before Wrestlemania — I’m just kind of waiting for Rhodes to get the belts (which will eventually be split) before I get more invested. Meanwhile, I had overall more fun and enjoyed the product more at the AEW events I went to, so I’ll be more active following them. As a whole, my overall thoughts on wrestling remain that it’s stupid and niche and athletically impressive at its worst, but some of the best entertainment I’ve ever seen when it’s firing on all cylinders.
I guess it really doesn’t matter what I think, though. It’s all fake, anyway.
MY JOURNEY INTO HELL
You’d think when I mentioned going to Hell in Part 1, I was referring to trying to look out for a drunk Dodgers fan at Oracle Park or being surrounded by tens of thousands of wrestling fans who are also probably lakers fans as my favorite wrestler lost in bullshit fashion or even my two-plus hour delay in LAX the following day. But actually, it turns out that Hell is a large room off Franklin Blvd. near Broadway in Sacramento. Also, turns out Gee is the devil.
Let’s flash back to last December, when the great drinking side bet controversy was at full force. By this, I mean when Gee was being a bitch and refusing to do anything but smoke weed as punishment for being the lowest scorer, even though Ewing (the highest scorer) gave him plenty of safe options that didn’t involve drinking. I called Gee in an attempt to solve this, with him finally agreeing to do one of Ewing’s suggestions. However, this came at a personal cost — Gee only agreed to the punishment if I would attend a yoga class with him in the future. Not knowing the hell I was in for (and having never taken a yoga class before), I agreed, figuring Gee was just trying to help me get in shape/introduced to women in a typical awkward, roundabout way.
Two months later, Ewing and Ali paid a visit to Sac, with several of us (including Gee and I) going out to meet them. It was during this gathering that Gee reminded me about my promise, which I intended on keeping (if only to finally tie up all loose ends and shut him up). The following day, he texted me and suggested a class for one week later. I agreed, although I told him I was a little nervous — I’m not exactly in shape and have never been flexible even in my best days. Gee told me not to worry and that this would be easy and fun. Spoiler alert: he was lying.
The following Sunday, I drove down to the studio — The Space Social Wellness Studio. Imagining a beginners class where I would struggle with the more advanced stuff, but still keep pace and work up a nice sweat, I wore soccer warmup pants and a t-shirt. I had also brought a six-pack of bottled water, one of which I took inside with me. I happened to get there as the same time as Gee and we both walked in. As Gee signed me up for the class, he chatted with the attractive female desk attendant, recapping his recent “date” with a tennis instructor and complaining about how many women don’t want to commit to a relationship. Trying to avoid eye contact with him and keeping my best neutral attitude, I completed the registration and walked over to the lockers. Gee kept introducing me to more people as I put my shoes and water away. As I grabbed my rental yoga mat and walked to the studio with the rest of the class (about 80% fine looking women and 20% dudes in way better shape than me), I noticed that I was the only person not wearing shorts. In hindsight, this should’ve been my first clue something was wrong. I didn’t have to wait long for the next one.
As we stepped into the studio — a large room with open windows — I noticed several machines placed around the floor and ceiling. After a few quizzical seconds, I realized they were space heaters. As the instructor got ready, she turned on some mood lighting — red lights. As she shut the windows, every other guy, including Gee, began to take off their shirts. The room started to get a little toasty and the truth finally hit me. Gee had not taken his incredibly reasonable and out of shape friend who had never taken a yoga class before to a relaxing, beginner’s course. He had taken me to a hot yoga class. Bastard.
As my cold sweat quickly warmed, I could only quickly take off my shirt and scrunch up the legs of my warmups to above my knees before the instructor began. Over the first few minutes, we did some simple stretches and warmup exercises and I actually had hope that this wouldn’t be that bad. That hope would evaporate in the ever-warming studio, as the instructor began calling out various poses, whose names sounded like a foreign language to me. I could barely react to what was being called out (largely by watching what everyone else was doing and trying to copy them) before another position was named. As the amount of sweat exuding from my body began to reach Sean Miller levels, the speed of the position changes increased. I could barely keep up, then I realized I wasn’t keeping up, with my lack of athleticism and flexibility (and familiarity with these positions) causing me to fall further behind. I was concentrating so hard on not dying that I couldn’t even enjoy looking at the ensemble of attractive women in spandex around me — it’s not like I was impressing them with my desperate flailing anyway.
As I flopped around in a pool of my own sweat in this unfamiliar, scorching room bathed in red light, being forced against my will to respond to commands being belted out in a tongue both foreign and frightening, I began to wonder if I was actually in hell.
I reckon I got about 25 minutes into the session when I hit the wall — I needed to stop or else I would collapse. Not wanting to bitch out in front of these people who were way more in shape than I was (even though the instructor had mercifully said anyone who needs a breather can just lay down on their mat), I looked around to see if anyone else had failed. To my relief, there were a couple of women who had taken that offer, so I did as well. It took about another five minutes of lying in my own sweat to catch my breath, at which point I attempted to join back in. After a few more minutes of struggling, the instructor called out “Halasana” — where you lie on your back and throw your legs over your head. I had actually done this earlier in the class, so I tried to make it work. My first attempt failed, so I threw everything into the second attempt to swing my legs back. This was a mistake, as something popped in my left shoulder and I couldn’t physically support myself on my left side anymore. I was actually fucked.
I lay there catching my breath and wondering what the fuck to do, before deciding that I didn’t want to just rest. I’d gotten this far — I might as well do some exercising. Completely ignoring what the rest of the class was doing, I decided to do a series of leg lifts at various heights. I guess I looked like I was just sitting there because soon after, the assistant instructor came over. That’s when the most unexpected thing happened — she knelt down behind my head, leaned over, and began massaging my upper body. I had no idea what was happening, but I soon found myself not knowing where to look, given that her… personality was hovering inches above my face as she was rubbing my arms and chest. I ended up just closing my eyes and thinking about math equations to distract myself, even though I doubt I could’ve risen up to the challenge if it were just the two of us and she had different intentions.
Once she left, I pretty much gave up on yoga and just kind of sat there for the next 10-15 minutes, observing what was happening around me. A few more people had also tapped out, with some of them getting massages as well. But something else I noticed was that Gee was struggling towards the end of the class. That pissed me off more than anything. If Gee himself struggles during the class, how could he possibly think that someone who had never taken a yoga class and was in much worse shape than him could keep up? I would’ve probably smacked him had I been physically able to lift my arms.
When the class crossed the hour mark, my nightmare mercifully came to an end. The final 15 minutes were spent with the lights and heat off, with the once again opened windows helping everyone cool down and stretch. I managed to sit up and take part in the stretching, which ended with a meditation for about five minutes. During this time, the instructor slowly (think Stevie Kenarban from Malcolm in the Middle levels of speech) told us a story about a short film she had seen about a military veteran whose PTSD causes him to plan a mosque bombing, only to befriend the community after going inside to properly plan his attack. I’m not making that up.
Thankfully, the end of the meditation was also the end of the class. As I stumbled out the door and the rest of the class walked out, I spotted another group of people waiting for the next class. I noticed some of them were wearing sweaters and became visibly confused as to how they could wear such warm clothing to a hot yoga class. Gee explained the following class was a different intensity. I thought nothing of it at the moment. As Gee tried to talk with classmates who looked like they just wanted to leave, I grabbed my things and headed for the door. Gee then offered to get a sweet drink at a shop near Curtis Park — in my shattered emotional state, I agreed.
I drank half of the six pack of water on the ten-minute drive on the way to the shop. As I began to down the lemon drink I had bought, Gee explained how he hadn’t just bought me a one-time session. He had actually gotten me a month’s pass for however many classes I wanted. He had me download an app and showed me the schedule for the place. As we looked at the night’s list of classes, I focused on the descriptions. The hell Gee had put me through was called “Power Flow”… with participants being pushed to their limits and knowledge of sun salutations (whatever the fuck those are) being recommended. But the class immediately following ours was called “Yin Yoga,” with the description including phrases like “little muscular effort,” “practice relaxing,” and “cool with dim lighting.” It even said “it may just be the best nap you have ever had” and recommended participants bring things like blankets and pillows.
That sounds a hell of a lot more enjoyable than sweating half my body weight and throwing out my left shoulder in the middle of an inferno! I asked Gee why — with his full knowledge of both classes and my lack of experience — would he choose to put me through hell instead of throw me a bone and gently introduce me to the hobby he clearly wanted me to be a part of. His answer was something along the lines of, “I thought it would be more fun for you.” At that moment, I genuinely thought about inflicting enough sadistic pain on Gee to have me charged with capital murder. While cooler heads prevailed, my eyes probably could’ve bored a tunnel into his skull.
We went our separate ways with him asking me to let him know about the next time I wanted to do yoga again, reminding me about the one month limit. This may surprise you, but I have yet to speak to Gee since then and I let the one month pass expire without taking another class. It’s kind of a shame because Yin Yoga genuinely sounds fun and a good way to calmly improve my flexibility and social skills, I was too spiteful over being set on fire to give Gee the satisfaction of going to another yoga class on my free will. Maybe I’ll take it up again in the future, once I eventually stop being sore from the last time. Also, my shoulder is fortunately fine.
But seriously though, fuck hot yoga and fuck Gee.
ONE LAST THING
When I started this newsletter… six years ago (holy shit), I wasn’t exactly sure how it would end up. The first issue looks little like how it does now, with it evolving over the years into what it is now. But one of the longest-lasting aspects actually started just a few weeks into the newsletter’s life — matchup pictures with our pictures edited onto them. It was kind of a last-minute decision, so I just social media stalked everyone until I found a good enough picture. I say good enough because some of you didn’t have a clear, large face shot. Gee’s was small, meaning his face was usually pixelated in the edits. Kyle’s has a completely different hairstyle than his current one. Nick’s has a fucking Santa hat. Richard’s has part of a finger in it. The point is, none of these are perfect, but I’ve rolled with them out of a combination of history/convenience/laziness.
That is, until now. I’m still doing the matchup picture edits, but I’m hitting the reset with the pictures of you guys I use. If you like the picture I already use of you (included above), then either tell me you’re good or just don’t say anything. But if you want a specific headshot of yourself you want me to use instead, please let me know and provide such a photo. But it can’t just be any photo where you think you look good — it specifically has to be large enough to where your face won’t be stretched out during the edits. Also, make sure your face is clear — nothing else in the photo matters but the face. Not that you all have faces I want to look at, anyway.
Speaking of not looking at faces, helmets do a pretty good job at that. They also make nice trinkets to have if, for example, you score the most points in the regular season of your fantasy football league. I mentioned in the wrestling section above that WWE took up an entire room at the LA Convention Center to sell merch. That’s just a drop in the bucket of the gear available online, especially the Wrestlemania-themed items. One such item sparked my interest.
Lady and gentlemen, I present this year’s top point scorer prize: a Wrestlemania 39 mini-helmet.
So concludes this PSA. We still have like four months left in the offseason. God help us all.
Ruben Dominguez
Commissioner, Epic League of Epic Epicness
2019 Champion, Epic League of Epic Epicness
Ruben's Writings 
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